Archive for 2007

Hamilton Was Cute, but I Hear Lincoln Had a Giant Cock

White teen girl, about statue of Alexander Hamilton: Look at him! I mean, he’s such a dreamboat… That’s why he’s my favorite federalist.
Mom: And what did your class call him?
White teen girl: Hammy! And he was big pals with B-Frank, and Johnny Ads, and G-Dubya, and J-Marsh, and… And… And I can’t remember any more founding fathers, but of course they all had their own gangsta names, too. They were big pimpin’ over there in Independence Hall. The only things they were missing were the hos… And that’s why Abby A. wanted them to remember the ladies.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: That other girl

The Circle of Life

Panhandler: I scored 50 bucks off those assholes today.
Drug dealer: Sweet. You wanna buy some pot?
Panhandler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.

–St. John’s Pl & Underhill Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: someone who always suspected this

In Which Case He Should Be Euthanized

Rushing dad dragging kid along: Well, most super guys are good guys.
Four-year-old son: No, some super guys are bad.
Rushing dad: What would make a super guy a bad super guy?
Four-year-old son: Well, he might suck. Like, if he couldn’t walk fast…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: klutch

Any Excuse for Balloons

Teen #1: Yo, I think Johnny graduated high school this year!
Teen #2: Are you sure, yo? That don’t sound like him.
Teen #1: Yeah. I walked by his house the other day and there were balloons and shit.
Teen #2: Shit, that don’t mean nothin’. That nigga always be celebratin’ somethin’.

–Port Authority

I Just Won’t Date a Girl Who Smells Worse Than Me

Chick: Are you sure you’re not gay?
Hipster dude: Yes.
Chick: But you’re so picky and shallow about girls.
Hipster dude: No, I’m not.
Chick: You said you wouldn’t date Kelsey because she has dirt under her nails.
Hipster dude: Well, yeah!
Chick: See?
Hipster dude: No.


Too Bad We Can’t Say the Same for You

Drunk boyfriend at party: Babe, get me some chicken on a stick.
Annoyed girlfriend: Get it yourself.
Drunk boyfriend: But I might make a mess and embarrass you…
Annoyed girlfriend: I don’t care anymore.
Girl passerby, handing him chicken on a stick: Here, have some chicken!
Annoyed girlfriend: Maybe you should date her.
Male passerby: Yeah, she seems like a keeper.

–Gibson Studios, W 54th, between 9th & 10th