Archive for 2007

Thanks, Dad.

45-year-old man: … And since I’m on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that’s nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you’ve got a big butt and you’re tax deductible. That’s how I like them.

–Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St

Headline by: Snark Sloper

· “Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1″ – Works For Me

· “Baby Got Back. — Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27″ – chris
· “Monica Lewinsky
: This Sounds Familiar…” – D. Kareem

· “Until She Capital Gains All That Weight” – Vasyl

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Take the Dirt-Road Detour

Teacher: No butt-fuck guys, no butt-fuck.

–Hunter College High

Overheard by: citysnidget

Hot chick: … And so I was thinking, You’re thinking about my brother while you’re fucking my ass? No response necessary.

–32nd & Broadway

Cuban guy to Russian girl: All Russian girls I’ve ever met love anal sex. No, seriously, they are all into that shit — and pomegranate.

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Asmar

Jock: … And he was sodomizing a jaguar.

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: impossible

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Exhausted executive: Woman, I am telling you — it is Friday, and what I’m saying to you is, all I need is some alcohol and some stuffed mushrooms. Do you hear me?

–Grand Central

Old lady, screaming: It’s not the quiche, Harry, it’s the whole seven years!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Rowanhood

Creepster: I’d like to spread Jessica Fletcher and Rose Nylund on a cracker and down ‘em with a shot of Ensure!

–81st & Madison

Man: I don’t trust upstate food anymore.

–Cab line, JFK

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Budding entrepreneur: You mean, I can copyright the sandwiches I make? Put them in an envelope and mail them to myself?

–Stanton & Attorney

It’s Not You — It’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: It was right after I said Greg broke up with him ’cause he didn’t know where Darfur was.

–8th & Broadway

Woman over loudspeaker: You don’t even miss me! You don’t even have the decency to miss me!

–Whitehall St station

Overheard by: G

Hysterical girl in stall on cell: Why the fuck did she post ‘Thanks again for that chicken parmigiana X-X-O-O’ on your MySpace page?! What the fuck does that mean?! X-X-O-O?! And why did you buy her chicken parmigiana?! We just broke up three days ago and you’re buying some other bitch chicken parmigianaaa?! Do you want to be with me or not?!

–Ladies’ room, Bar

Black chick on cell: Okay, fine, we can break up! But dammit, I need fucking directions!

–Atlantic & Flatbush

Overheard by: Mike N

You Can’t See the Forest for the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: I got out on the wing and said, ‘I’m not going.’ He said, ‘I paid 10 grand to fuel this jet!’ and he pushed me off… Well, I didn’t control it too good. I wound up in a tree and it took three hours to get me down… I was just all cut up by the branches…

–Bagels Supreme, Brooklyn

Woman to boyfriend: I didn’t know you could see individual leaves on a tree.

–A/C/E train

Overheard by: Monica

Dude: What’s beer without a Christmas tree?

–5th Ave

Woman on cell: I saw her sitting in the litter box, and then she looked at me and she shot it up into the plants!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Beck

Tourist mom to daughter with camera: Look, a tree! A tree! You can tell everyone you took a picture of a tree in Central Park!

–Central Park

Lady on cell: What did I do yesterday? Well, I finally took down the Christmas tree.

–Continental Ave, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Dandelion Isafleur

Don’t Run with Wednesday One-Liners

Mini yuppie: No way. I’d put the knife down and walk away. You never run.

–9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Old man tourist: He’s drawin’ a sword outta her, an’ she’s havin’ a sexual fantasy.

–New Greco-Roman galleries, the Met

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Yuppie to two girls: Yeah, but it’s more personal if you stab them with a knife.

–Prospect Park West, Park Slope

Overheard by: diane

Kid to father: I’m sick of swords! My head is full of swords!

–Arms and Weapons wing, the Met

Overheard by: e.Beth

Girl struggling with knot: Do you have anything sharp? Like a sword? Wait a minute, I have a sword! [She pulls out a sword.]

–51st & 5th

Dad to rambunctious young sons: No! We are not getting swords out!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Tempo