Archive for 2007

But My Bench Press Is Up 50 Pounds!

Girl #1: Are you going to call me on my birthday? Huh? Huh?
Girl #2: What is it, the 23rd?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Oh, the 24th.
Girl #1: Yeah.. If my friends don’t blindfold me and get me wasted…
Girl #2: Oh… Yeah, I will call you. Listen, I’m sorry I’m not more chatty. I just got out of the hospital and the doctors put me on steroids, which have the unfortunate effect of turning me into a total cunt.

–Olive Garden, Times Square

This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken

Waiter: Excuse me, sir — can you finish up your coffee? We’re closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It’s only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.

–Coffee shop, 20th & 1st

Overheard by: PJ

He Knows

Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he’s cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You’re kidding, right? You’re so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we’re fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn’t work.

–W train

Overheard by: green with envy

Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!

Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!

–Cypress Hills, Brooklyn

Overheard by: punkee

Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?

–Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick

Student: Baby, baby, baby — I swear to God, yo — swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.

–Outside Midtown High

Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.

–Tavern on the Green

Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners

Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple… Then I got these sneakers!

–6th Ave & Central Park South

Boy: … And then he said I was wearin’ my mama’s sneakers, and I said, ‘That’s a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.’

–Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Yuppie to another: They’re not only taking his money, they’re going after his wife’s shoes!

–Equinox, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: wolf

Plump European woman: I still think of her… She doesn’t believe in shoes.

–Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Dasha

Girl: If I don’t get the Tory Burch flats, I’m going to cut someone.

–"7th on Sale" Sample Sale

Pepé Le Pew’s Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good — like Campbell’s soup!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emily

Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.

–39th & 5th

Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!

–N train

Overheard by: Lauren

Chick to friend: Shut up, or I’ll sniff you in a minute!

–Central Park

JAP: Ew, like — I like, washed my hair, like, this morning… Why does it, like, smell? Ewww… That’s sooo bimmey!

–1 train

Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!

–L train, Bedford stop