Archive for 2007

But My Bench Press Is Up 50 Pounds!

Girl #1: Are you going to call me on my birthday? Huh? Huh?
Girl #2: What is it, the 23rd?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Oh, the 24th.
Girl #1: Yeah.. If my friends don’t blindfold me and get me wasted…
Girl #2: Oh… Yeah, I will call you. Listen, I’m sorry I’m not more chatty. I just got out of the hospital and the doctors put me on steroids, which have the unfortunate effect of turning me into a total cunt.

–Olive Garden, Times Square

This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken

Waiter: Excuse me, sir — can you finish up your coffee? We’re closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It’s only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.

–Coffee shop, 20th & 1st

Overheard by: PJ

Why They Make Children’s Chewable Lithium

Three-year-old boy: One of my friends died.
Mom: Wait — what?!
Three-year-old boy: Yeah, one of my best friends died in a car crash when your friend died in a car crash.
Mom: Huh?
Three-year-old boy: Yes, we were flying in a plane and suddenly another plane came from behind and crashed into us. I ran away, but she got hurt. And died.
Mom: What? Huh?
Three-year-old boy: I’ll tell you more later… These trains have ears.

–6 train

Overheard by: impressed with todays youth

He Knows

Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he’s cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You’re kidding, right? You’re so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we’re fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn’t work.

–W train

Overheard by: green with envy