Archive for 2007

You Ghetto-of-the-Ivy-League Poser

Columbia student: Do you go to NYU?
NYU student: Yes, how did you know?
Columbia student: I could tell by your dirty shoes. NYU gets their students from the homeless shelter.
NYU student: Excuse me?
Columbia student: I’m your biggest enemy.
NYU student: What?
Columbia student: I go to Columbia.
NYU student: Can you leave me alone?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Cooper Union Student

When Swarthy Met Sallow

Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don’t know, I don’t have your skin color.


Headline by: TM

· “Here’s a box of crayons, be creative!” – Steve
· “Neither do I, that’s what the bronzer’s for.” – Dave
· “Or an IQ over 64………” – Cooter
· “The customer is always irrelevant” – Janet E.
· “Why training videos aren’t made on Fridays anymore” – so pale
· “Zombies are so hard to work with” – TP

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Take That, You PC Fucks!

Chick #1: So, this black girl goes–
Chick #2, looking around: –You know, you really should say ‘African American’ these days. It’s less, you know…
Chick #1: Fucking please. How do I know she’s from Africa? My cousin, Maria, from Puerto Rico — she’s black like a boot. You call her ‘Africa-anything,’ she’ll fucking kill you.

–3 train to 14th St

You Promised Us ‘Goddamn Lovely’

Lady hobo: Y’all got some money up in here?! [Long pause] I’ll take some food… A fruit, a coke, a twizlah, a bag of chips, a hair comb. I will eat anything you give me! I ain’t ashamed! [Longer pause] Shoot. Aight. I’ll sing. I’ll goddamn sing y’all a song. Any of you object to this? Anyone object to me singing a goddamn lovely song? ‘Cause I’ll do it. Sir, sir, you object? Miss? [Passengers begin to laugh.] Okay, this is the last call for anyone who objects. One, two, three… [Starts singing old southern tune].
High school thug: Yo, is this shit too late to object to? Shut the fuck up.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: CrappedMyPantsOut

Cut Your Losses and Run!

Girl: Oh my god! That guy over there across the street — I went out with him last Saturday! We made plans for this weekend, and when I asked him what was up he told me he had to go home to Long Island ’cause his grandmother was sick.
Guy friend: The one with his arm around that girl? Clearly, he was lying.
Girl: No shit. C’mon, let’s cross the street.

They cross the street.

Girl: Oh my god! Alex*! Wow, this is funny.
Alex: Oh… Jenny*… Hi… What are you doing here?

Introductions are made all around.

Jenny: So, how’s your grandmother? I take it you saw her this weekend?
Girl with Alex: Yeah, Alex, how is your grandmother? You saw her two weekends in a row? You are quite the devoted grandson.
Jenny’s guy friend: Dude, you are so fucked.

–Lower East Side

Wednesday One-Liners Fire Their Publicist

Homeless man sitting on ground holding up peeled banana: … And now for my John Wayne Bobbit imitation… Aaauuuggghhh!

–38th & Lex

20-something girl: Oh my god! I just realized how much Darth Vader sounds like Ralph Nader!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: EJ

Little boy: Oprah, save me!

–1 train

Overheard by: amused tourist

Hot Asian chick: I want to go, but do we have enough David Hasselhoff shirts to last us the whole weekend?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shringle

Guy chatting up girl: Yeah, this is a real celebrity hangout. There are probably famous people in here right now, we just don’t know who they are.

–The Spotted Pig

The Urban Renewal of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: I’m interested in what’s now — that’s why I live in Williamsburg.

–Court & 3rd Pl

Overheard by: imitation rastaman

Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus… It’s like a microwave — what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to ‘Harlem.’ Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to ‘B6 Limited’ and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.]

–B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: tanechka

Smart guy: There is no West Side. There’s only Zabar’s.

–New York Palace Hotel

Overheard by: Emily

Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It’s getting whiter.

–Union Square

Old lady to another: Yes, she’s still alive. She’s living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn’t go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats.

–22nd & 1st

Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District!

–N 4th St & Bedford Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Shit You Not

Dad to two little kids: Hurry. Hurry! Daddy just crapped himself!

–27th & 7th

Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sample too many…

–In front of Brooklyn Academy of Music

Overheard by: TMI

College dude to girlfriend in loud whisper: I took such a good shit today. [Girlfriend smiles and kisses him.]

–PATH station, 14th St

Overheard by: Abby

Girl: So I woke up the next morning, looked over, and there was a human shit a foot away from my head.

–Purity Diner, Park Slope

Guy: That Mary Poppins… she’s a spoonful of shit!

–Times Square