Archive for 2007

Cut Your Losses and Run!

Girl: Oh my god! That guy over there across the street — I went out with him last Saturday! We made plans for this weekend, and when I asked him what was up he told me he had to go home to Long Island ’cause his grandmother was sick.
Guy friend: The one with his arm around that girl? Clearly, he was lying.
Girl: No shit. C’mon, let’s cross the street. They cross the street. Girl: Oh my god! Alex*! Wow, this is funny.
Alex: Oh… Jenny*… Hi… What are you doing here? Introductions are made all around. Jenny: So, how’s your grandmother? I take it you saw her this weekend?
Girl with Alex: Yeah, Alex, how is your grandmother? You saw her two weekends in a row? You are quite the devoted grandson.
Jenny’s guy friend: Dude, you are so fucked. –Lower East Side

Wednesday One-Liners Fire Their Publicist

Homeless man sitting on ground holding up peeled banana: … And now for my John Wayne Bobbit imitation… Aaauuuggghhh! –38th & Lex 20-something girl: Oh my god! I just realized how much Darth Vader sounds like Ralph Nader! –8th St & Broadway Overheard by: EJ Little boy: Oprah, save me! –1 train Overheard by: amused tourist Hot Asian chick: I want to go, but do we have enough David Hasselhoff shirts to last us the whole weekend? –140th & Broadway Overheard by: Shringle Guy chatting up girl: Yeah, this is a real celebrity hangout. There are probably famous people in here right now, we just don’t know who they are. –The Spotted Pig

The Urban Renewal of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: I’m interested in what’s now — that’s why I live in Williamsburg. –Court & 3rd Pl Overheard by: imitation rastaman Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus… It’s like a microwave — what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to ‘Harlem.’ Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to ‘B6 Limited’ and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.] –B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay Overheard by: tanechka Smart guy: There is no West Side. There’s only Zabar’s. –New York Palace Hotel Overheard by: Emily Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It’s getting whiter. –Union Square Old lady to another: Yes, she’s still alive. She’s living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn’t go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats. –22nd & 1st Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District! –N 4th St & Bedford Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Shit You Not

Dad to two little kids: Hurry. Hurry! Daddy just crapped himself! –27th & 7th Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sample too many… –In front of Brooklyn Academy of Music Overheard by: TMI College dude to girlfriend in loud whisper: I took such a good shit today. [Girlfriend smiles and kisses him.] –PATH station, 14th St Overheard by: Abby Girl: So I woke up the next morning, looked over, and there was a human shit a foot away from my head. –Purity Diner, Park Slope Guy: That Mary Poppins… she’s a spoonful of shit! –Times Square

Real Wednesday One-Liners Have Curves

Fat chick to fatter chick: You know, I just can’t eat as much as I used to. –Cold Stone Creamery, W 42nd St Overheard by: Kilroy Big lady: Sit? Nah, I’m fine standin’. These people have been workin’ hard all day, they don’t need no big fat lady sittin’ next to them. If some big fat lady sat next to me, I’d be mad as a bitch. –F train Overheard by: Alex And Ra Queer to another: Honey, with all the food you’ve been eating recently you don’t even need a coat. –20th & 8th, Chelsea Dude: I’m too fat to be seen with her. –C train, between 23rd & 34th Overheard by: Father to 10-year-old son: She likes ziti, french fries, pizza, and cake? Do you know what she’s going to be in high school? Fat. Never date a girl that likes to eat more than two things. First rule in life. –Gennaro restaurant Overheard by: Aislinn

The Greater Wednesday One-Liner Co-Prosperity Sphere

Guy on cell: I could get better numbers if I beat up an Asian kid! –42nd & 5th Overheard by: ericaS Crazy guy to mailman: Look, maybe you don’t understand what I’m asking. All that I’m saying is that I’ve noticed a lot of mailmen are Asian, and I was wondering if you knew why. –33rd & 30th, Astoria Overheard by: Jeffrey Chick on cell: I found, living in Japan, that it’s very Asian. –28th & Lex Overheard by: Cheryl Teen girl on phone: Yeah, I wouldn’t mind if he said that to an Asian… but only an Asian! –86th St Overheard by: Lotte Japanese boy to Korean girl: Koreans generalize a lot. –Broadway, near NYU Overheard by: Daniel Korean-American: In Korea, Koreans run everything. There, Jews are just nice people. –Dean & DeLuca, University Place

Wednesday One-Liners Are Made of Meat

Man on cell: Dude, don’t worry about it — your urethra is only two inches long. –St. Mark’s Place Overheard by: LC Skinny, sour-faced guy: Would you mind not clapping so loud? It hurts my ears. –Big Apple Circus Overheard by: Susan Volchok College guy to friend: It’s just your body saying no, but after a while it stops. –NYU dorm 20-something dude: My parents don’t think I am responsible enough to move to the city ever since I cut my fingers off. –28th & 3rd Conductor: I can’t move this train if you hangin’ halfway out of it. Move all the way in when the doors close. [Doors start to close, fail.] All the way in means no legs, arms, or asses be hangin’ out no doors! –6 train, 77th St stop

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device

Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn’t know… –6 train Overheard by: 21 and knows better Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania? –Broadway & Bond Overheard by: the bfd Dude: What? You’re not from Illinois, you’re from Chicago! –Cheesecake Factory Female tourist: Where’s Chicago, again? Oh, that’s here in New York, right? –Outside Yankee Stadium Overheard by: Genissimo Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state! –Outside Javits Center Overheard by: Tara Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast? –Max Brenner, Union Square

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome! –Brooklyn-bound Q train Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right? –Hunter College Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this! –Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk. –Times Square Overheard by: Stina Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen! –Grand Central Overheard by: Philip Niosi Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz. –The Village, near Mulberry Overheard by: DC Diva