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January 2007 Archives
Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I'm hungry.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you're drunk.
--University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn't what I should be having for breakfast.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
--Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who's the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
--115th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Fail English? That Unpossible.
Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don't know why for she call you... Just to be talkin' shit... You know how I be is...
--Bed-Stuy
Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I'd be there right now!
--West 7th & Avenue T
Man leaning into friend's car window: Nah, she aight... Nah, she aight... Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight... Nah, she aight...
--150th & Macombs
Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked.
--14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: off white
Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: She wasn't kidding, and no one laughed
Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature...
--Starbucks, Union Square West
Overheard by: Benjamin
Thug: Yo, nigga, don't make me yo' escapegoat!
--4 train, Bronx
Overheard by: charles elliot
Wednesday One-Liners Know Best
Woman on cell: My father is, like, my retarded child.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Rick
Chick on cell: My father's sister moved there. Then my aunt went.
--29th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don't even want to think about it!
--Far Rockaway train
Overheard by: Liz
Little tourist girl: A lot of people are wearing black today, Daddy.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Scarfish
Woman to another: Every time I get pregnant, I always worry, 'Who mah baby daddy?'
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy to friends: So, you didn't fondle her dad's belly?
--Columbus Circle
Student on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son.
--NYU Law
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It's just never come up, I guess. So I think, 'Okay, I'm not that young anymore -- I'll take what I can get...' and it was going fine, but then I didn't know you're not supposed to shove it in that fast...
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It's not a dildo, it's a back massager from Duane Reade.
--Christopher & 7th
Girl: I've got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I'm all set!
--Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
--6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
--Victoria's Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I'm tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
--56th & 9th
Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly
Man in Rangers shirt: ... And that's when we realized that she married Satan.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: rosemary's baby
Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.
--E/V station, 53rd & 5th
Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It's not a voluntary love-fest.
--Silver Center, Washington Square
Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase... And I would know, right? No, I'm telling you, he's just confused... He's a kid! And anyway, he's married now... No, he'll be fine.
--Citarella, W 9th St
Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.
--Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Wednesday One-Liners Remember the Little People
Ghetto guy: Yo, I gotta be careful and hurry up and catch this midget before she leave me.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Wonkanobi
Short lady: And I told him, 'I may be an ugly midget, but at least I'm not a Neanderthal.'
--Outside Starbucks, Court & Dean St
Little girl watching midget walk by: Look, Mommy! Mini-Me's wife!
--91st & Broadway
Man to son: ... And that's because New York was founded by midgets.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nina Milnes
The Original Ray's Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: We can eat pizza and watch people's faces get cut off!
--Nassau & Humboldt, Greenpoint
Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It's the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma'am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city. [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.] God, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: d f
Tourist: Oh, Ray's Pizzeria - I've seen that pizzeria before! I think I've been here before!
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Guy: Oh my god, I totally need a hammock made of pizza.
--ACE station, 42nd St
Overheard by: Janet
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience
Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.
--Incoming flight, LaGuardia
Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay -- the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
--JFK
Overheard by: geico lizard
Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we're asking for two volunteers to... Damn, bitch!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: jaybrrd
Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue... This is JetBlue, right?
--JetBlue flight leaving JFK
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there's no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.
--JFK
Overheard by: mrmcd
Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops... Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.
--JFK
Overheard by: babs standigio
Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we're here.
--LaGuardia
Wednesday One-Liners, Your Guides to the Underworld
Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice.
--Manhattan-bound C train
Overheard by: Fish
Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]
--Crowded F train, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jas
Conductor: Go on, now -- walk out the door. Just turn around now... Last stop.
--LIRR
Overheard by: not welcome anymore
Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that -- just stay still for, like, five seconds... God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don't stop doin' things, I'm gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little-- [mic turns off].
--F train, East Broadway
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we're stopping, but I'm not opening the doors!
--njt
Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck.
--6 train
Hemorrhoidal Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.
--Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel
Girl to friends: There's this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it's spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E... His mama named him Asshole!
--Bus, between 77th & 76th
Overheard by: It's a Jersey thing
Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he'll know I'm near.
--Franklin & Broadway
Hobo: It doesn't take a genius to see it. He's a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.
--Times Square
Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes
Man to friend: He's a fuckin' asshole... Even in a wheelchair he's a fuckin' asshole!
--9th St & 2nd Ave
Chick: Oh, he's much better than any other guy I've dated... He's not an asshole, he's not Type A... My only problem with him is that he's not depressed enough.
--Amore's Pizza, 14th St
Overheard by: dues
Wednesday One-Liners' Little Helper
Old crazy guy to little kid: Hey, you want a Vicodin? It's just like your Ritalin, but stronger. No? Okay, then how about a donut?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 66th & 1st
Overheard by: Alec
20-something hipster girl on cell: Prozac! Send me my Prozac!
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: josh
Waiter to bartender: She was taking a lot of Vicodin. You can't drink Hennessy with that.
--Village Restaurant
Overheard by: Al Key Hall
Girl, after friend gives her a gift: Awww, you're the sweetest friend ever! You almost made me cry, except that I can't cry -- I'm on Effexor! Awww!
--Crepe place, St. Mark's
Girl on cell: It's gross! It's sick! I'm not asking anyone for Viagra for my dad! It's sick!
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
30-ish blonde screaming into cell: Doctor, I'm so glad you called back. No, the girl here won't give me my pills! She says my insurance won't pay for any more... Okay, so maybe I lost track of how many Vicodin I've been eating -- I've been busy! Whatever!
--Drug store, Battery Park
Overheard by: embarassed for her
Man on cell: I love Ambien more than I love my wardrobe. Good-bye.
--Angelika Theater
Overheard by: Nora
An Unindicted Coconspirator
Student #1: Mister, what are some jobs I could look into if I got a Math major?
Teacher: Oh, there's lots of options! You could be an engineer... an accountant...
Student #2: ... A wizard...
--Stuyvesant High School
And I'm a Cute Little Fixer-Upper
Yuppie #1: Dude, my new girlfriend is really hot.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, but what's her personality like?
Yuppie #1: Well, she's an interior decorator...
Yuppie #2: Oh.
--4 train
Overheard by: Steve
It's Tentatively Titled Bride of Cluckie
Drunk Irish man: So, your screenplay is about a paralyzed chicken?
Blonde tween: No, it's about a boy who makes his whole family paralyzed, including his chicken.
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Soiled Eve
The Country Wakes Up with a Sore Ass and a Bad Taste in Its Mouth
Girl: Isn't Rumsfeld gay? I mean, isn't he, like, a known closet queen?
Queer: I don't... Is he? Is my 'dar off?
Girl: I think so.
Queer: No, I don't. I can't imagine any gay man would be self-hating enough to fuck Donald Rumsfeld.
Girl: Oh, please. Gay men have been self-hating enough to kill other gay men.
Queer: Yeah, but killing someone and fucking Rumsfeld are two very different things.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: I'd rather kill someone
It's a Nice Haircut, Too
Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don't call her that -- 'pretty' is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don't take it out on me, but at Dave's birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: ... I'm gonna kill Dave. Why didn't you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What's her phone number? I've got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.
--D train
Goat-Eating Doesn't Even Raise Eyebrows Anymore
Queer #1: He wasn't that bad!
Queer #2: Honey, he was a T-R-O-double-L troll, okay?! An under the bridge-living, billy goat-eating mon-stuh!
Queer #1: Hahahahaha!
Queer #3: That was pretty harsh.
Queer #2: You're new here. I can tell.
--Outside Splash Bar, 17th St
Usually Found in a Bush
Boy: Mommy, what's a vah-jay-jay?
Mom: A bird, sweetie! A wonderful bird.
--Wall St
Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own
NYC woman: We're here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are -- this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown...
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!
--Canal St
Overheard by: The Wizard
Bulimia Gets a 'Neutral' This Week
Queer #1: Skinny is out. Fat is in.
Queer #2: Skinny is never out. Anorexic... is out.
--TJ Maxx, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ferris
And It Was a Tragedy
Comedy promoter guy: Gentlemen, are you interested in seeing some comedy?
Guy: I've already seen your shitty show!
--78th & Broadway
Or at Least Give You a Series of Ineffective Time-Outs
Kid yelling: What are we doing after dinner? [Parents ignore him] What are we doing after dinner?!
Mom, calmly: Stop yelling, or I'll have to kill you.
--10th St, between Broadway & University
Overheard by: Calling the Morgue
The Ultimate Anarchist Heads to Work
AM New York hawker: Have a fantastic morning!
Embittered commuter: Stay away from me!
--7th Ave, E/B/D station
Overheard by: Jatmos
Consider Making Your Greeting Less Specific
Homeless guy sleeping in cart wakes up at eight a.m.: Good noon! ... Is it noon yet?
Passerby: Not yet, but you're very close.
--West 4th St
Amelie Finally Decided to Feel Flattered
Handsome thug: Damn, girl, you catch a nigga lookin' like that.
Confused white hipster girl: Um, thanks?
--Fulton St, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Bed-Stuy Do or Die
Well, I Might As Well Go for It Now
College kid #1: So, dude, are you going to do it?
College kid #2: No! I am not going to have sex with my sister! [People waiting in line turn around to look] Awww, fuck.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: B-rett
Like the '60s, but Not So Fake
Teen latina #1: ... And I asked this boy's name and he was like, 'Renaissance.' And I was like, 'Is that the name your mama gave you?' And he was like, 'Yeah, Renaissance.'
Teen latina #2: What's his name?
Teen latina #1: Renaissance. You know, like... Renaissance. Like... Renaissance. Ren-aissance. Like, when there used to be princesses and shit. Like, they'd dress all... You know, the Renaissance.
--1 train, 103rd St
Overheard by: EthanK
M.E.: I'd Say She's Been Dead All Weekend
Guy #1: Dude, are you going to that party this weekend?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend has been sick all week. She was, like, throwing up and coughing up a lung yesterday. I told her, 'You better not get me fucking sick. I am not missing this party. I will seriously kick your ass if you get me sick.'
Guy #1: What did she say?
Guy #2: I don't know. She fell asleep or something.
--Lincoln Center
Like the Time I Made Out with a Hungry Kirstie Alley
Hipster girl #1: Are those ginger Altoids? I've never had those before.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, they're my favorite. Would you like one?
Hipster girl #1: Okay. [A few minutes later] These are really strong! They kind of burn.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah! I love them because it's like my tongue is being mauled by a bear! Rawr!
Hipster girl #1: Rawr!
--D train
Do You See Any Use of the Palette Knife?
Six-year-old boy: Look, Daddy -- another Picasso!
Father: No, it isn't. You know better than that.
--Modern Wing, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Jim W.
How She Keeps Him to Herself
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #2: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #3: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #4: [Shakes head.]
Black lady #1: You don't wanna know that mothafuckah -- that is one nasty-ass nigga.
--Flatbush Ave-bound 4 train
Have You Thought about Giving Up Catholicism?
High schooler #1: I want to give up something for Lent, but I'm not sure what.
High schooler #2: Why don't you give up TV?
High schooler #1: What?! Are you crazy? I would just die! Especially in the winter months -- my face would just melt off.
--BX10 bus, Bronx
Overheard by: Princessbeena
I Just Like Getting On My Knees Five Times A Day
Hairdresser #1: So, you're a practicing Muslim?
Hairdresser #2: Yep.
Hairdresser #1: So, do Muslims pray to God, or Mohammed, or both?
Hairdresser #2: I don't really get into the details.
--East 19th St & Ave R, Brooklyn
Overheard by: brooklyn blonde
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "I pray to Allah Updo and Crewcut Christ" - katcob
· "I'm just into the hating Jews part." - DaveO
· "I'm more about the accessories" - Ty
· "Islam is in-er than Thai ladyboys this season." - eyp
· "Neither does the President." - Becca
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Now Don't We Wish They Hadn't?
Teen #1: It's one word!
Teen #2: No it ain't, it's two!
Teen #1: No, it's one word!
Teen #2: Two!
Teen #1: One!
Teen #2: 'MySpace' is two words!
Teen #1: No it ain't -- it's 'MySpace' -- it's a compount word. They made it up!
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: JHA
Hell Is This Other Person
Blonde: I hate waiting for people! It's so boring!
Brunette: Well, what do you think I was doing for the past 40 minutes?
Blonde: Oh, wow! Sitting outside?!
--Outside I.S. 34, Staten Island
Okay, Like Some Horrible Hybrid
Chick #1: Jessica, I'm not kidding, he looked like a beaver!
Chick #2: Christine, that's vulgar!
Chick #1: No, but seriously -- like a chipmunk!
Chick #2: But why wouldn't you say 'chipmunk' instead?
Chick #1: Because he seriously looked like a real beaver!
--77th & Madison
This Girl on the Titanic: Yeah, He Said the Ship Hit an Iceberg. So Anyway...
Crazy guy gasps: Help! [No one moves.] I said, 'Help'!
Chick on cell: He said, 'Help.'
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Nicole
And, by the Way, You Have No Idea How Loud I Can Be
Chick #1: So, what are we doing tonight?
Chick #2: I don't know... Wanna go down on me?
Chick #1: Jesus Christ, Chelsea, can you be a little louder?
Chick #2: So, is that a 'No'?
--Central Park
Overheard by: emily
Just Lips and Hooves, Honey
10-year-old girl: Mom! My hotdog has chunks of fat in it!
Mom: What are you talking about? There ain't no fat in a hotdog!
--Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: clancy
It's Important to Have Witnesses
Dude #1: Yo, I really gotta stop whackin' off.
Dude #2: Nah, chill. I do it all the time, man.
Dude #1: Like, at home?
Dude #2: Nah, in the school bathroom.
--Union Square
Now's Probably Good
Prep #1: They made a list of the most important people ever, and you know who they named number one? Johannes Gutenberg!
Prep #2: Who's that, again?
Prep #1: The printing press guy! I mean, I know he's important, but he's not that big of a deal.
Prep #2: Don't they not even know when he was born?
Prep #1: Well, no. I mean, they know within a year or two.
Prep #2: If they can't even figure out when exactly you were born, you can't be that important.
Prep #1: Yeah, and you know who was number two? Isaac Newton! What did he really do other than give something for my math teacher to talk about? My math teacher sweated Newton hardcore. It was all 'Newton, Newton, Newton.'
Prep #2: You would think that if they were going to rank the most important people of all time, they would research it a little better and include the really important people.
Prep #1: And if it's of all time, wouldn't it make more sense for them to wait until right before the end of time?
--Metro North train entering Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Regardless, It's a Great Country Western Song
Woman #1: Wait... So what happened to her?
Woman #2: Well, first she got pregnant, then she got divorced, and then she died.
Woman #1: Oh... Really?
Woman #2: I think...
--Union Square
And Our Black Market Yield Will More Than Make Up for That
Scene girl: I don't understand why your mother doesn't like me...
Scene boyfriend: You stole my grandmother's medication.
Scene girl: She'll be dead in a week. Chill out.
--Central Park
Meet Refried Jean
Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too... just not people ordering it while they're having sex with me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
If You're So Smart, Explain the Wax
Buff dude #1: Hey, guy.
Smart guy: What's up?
Buff dude #1: Can you settle something? Is Portugal in Europe or South America?
Smart guy: Uh, it's in Europe.
Buff dude #1: See?
Buff dude #2: Okay, okay. But, like, the Portuguese they speak in South America -- that's not the same language as they speak in South America, right?
Smart guy: Actually, it is. Brazil was settled by the Portuguese, and the Spanish got the rest of South America, which is why they speak Spanish in the other countries that aren't Brazil.
Buff dude #2: Oooh! Look who passed his geography class!
--Exodus Gym, Union & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
Shhh! Gwen's in Disguise
White thug: Awww shit, it's raining out? This shit is ridiculous!
Passerby: This shit is bananas!
White thug: Fuck you.
--34th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: the phantom listener
Besides, We Have No Guarantee Her Super Powers Will Be Used Only for Good
JAP #1: Besides, you can't fit a pancake in a hole that size.
JAP #2: Well, what if Hillary runs for President?
JAP #1: Yeah, like a Nazi Feminista president can bend the laws of physics.
--53rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Matt Chancellor
It Was Laundry
Large, dreadlocked homeless guy to man with over-stuffed backpack: Yo, what you got in that big-ass bag?
Backpack guy: Nothing good.
Large, dreadlocked homeless guy: Got any marijuana? [As backpack guy nears] Damn, whiteboy! You kinda big... I ain't gonna fuck with you!
--Near subway entrance, NW Union Square
Overheard by: matt
Here's My List of Things It's Okay to Eat...
Chick: Don't eat that!
Guy: Why? What did you do to it?
Chick: Nothing! It's just been all over the table!
Guy: [Silently eats it.]
Chick: Oh my god. I'm never hooking up with you!
--Palladium Dining Hall, 14th & 4th
Overheard by: Emily
Actually, I'd Butt-Fuck Him Right Now for Some Raw Cookie Dough
Friendly male barista: Hi, what can I do you for?
Stoner #1: I'm not a fuckin' queer, man.
Stoner #2: Yeah, man. And even if he was, he'd be mine!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: The girl in line behind this guy
And It Was Robby Krieger!
Girl: So, did he even tell her?
Guy: Of course not! What would he say? 'Well, you see, Raya, this one time... I fucked a door'?
--Q train
Overheard by: shawn
Hollywood Exec: Say That Again!
60-ish mother to two kids: There are two movies playing we should go to before they stop showing them -- Casino Royale and Apocalypto Now.
Kid #1: Uh, yeah, Mom.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Serene Demeanor
... Before It Stopped Touring
Friend #1: Can you believe that? I never heard from her again!
Friend #2: Well, at least you got to see her vagina.
--48th & 10th
If Only I'd Brought My Gangsta-Hipster Dictionary
Gangster: Get yo' nasty-ass skips the fuck outta here.
Hipster chick: Oh my god, why is he so mad at me? And what are skips?
--A train
Overheard by: Fultron-a-thon
What They Don't Love: Heat and Dignity
Girl: Did you just litter?
Friend who just dropped Starbucks cup: Yeah, but it's okay. The homeless love to clean up trash. They get money for it.
--7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JB
At Least the Turtlenecks Hide My Hickies
Nanny #1: So, he is four years old and totally into Scooby Doo -- games, toys, DVDs, vitamins, pajamas... He has everything.
Nanny #2: That is so cute.
Nanny #1: Not really. He always wants to be Daphne. And the worst part is that I always have to be Velma.
--A train
Overheard by: Jim
I Could Sell It and Buy Me Some Body Parts
Man to fat lady holding up traffic on the stairs: Excuse me, ma'am. Do you need a hand?
Fat lady: Do I need a hand? Yeah, I need a hand, a foot, an arm, a leg... Shit, nigga, I need a mink coat!
--Subway exit stairs, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Um, Saratoga? -- Hellooo, It Was Ancient Rome!
Teacher: Where was the Battle of Saratoga fought?
Student #1: South America?
Student #2: No, you idiot, it's in Russia!
--NYC High School
That's Why She Got the Job As a DoD Intelligence Analyst
Girl #1: Why don't you know these things?
Girl #2: Because I don't read.
--123rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
They've Got Their 'Good Barista / Bad Barista' Act Down to a Science
Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don't get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don't get no fuckin' milk! Order a fuckin' latte, and then I'll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don't get none of this milk!
Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.
Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain't Valentine's Day -- don't you get emotional. It's some other holiday. Hell, it's Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!
--Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave
And Try to Ignore Their Faces
Drunk guy #1: Remember, this train is going to be full of pickpockets, so remember their faces.
Drunk girl: And hookers! It'll be full of hookers, too!
Drunk guy #2: Nice! So, we should find out how much!
--4 train platform, 161st St
Overheard by: sooooo, how much?
At Thirty? Amazing?
Ghetto girl: So, what are you doing Saturday?
Ghetto guy #1: I've got probation.
Ghetto girl: What? Man, you gay! When? 3:30?
Ghetto guy #1: Three.
Ghetto girl: ... Thirty?
Ghetto guy #1: No, three.
Ghetto girl: ... Thirty?
Ghetto guy #2: So, she was a virgin?
Ghetto guy #1: Yeah!
--6 train
Oddly, You Just Became Hot to Me
Chick: Are you hitting on me?
Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?
Chick: Do you know Eric Thompson*?
Guy: Nah, is he your boyfriend?
Chick: It's complicated. Whatever, I'm gonna go pee [leaves].
Guy, reporting to group of friends: Yo, so I'm hitting on this girl, right? And then she stops me and is like, 'Yo, are you hitting on me?'
Chick, opening bathroom door: Asshole, I hear you taking about me.
Guy: Shut up and go take a piss, bitch.
--Party, 116th & Broadway
Fucking Opportunist
Hobo: Could you please spare some change for Christmas? Merry Christmas?
Yuppie: I have something for you, my friend! I have some fruitcake!
--West 4th St
Overheard by: Liane Graham
A Third Party Has to Be Involved
Woman #1: I thought you loved me -- didn't last night mean anything to you?
Woman #2: I do love you, that's why I let you swallow my babies.
--43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Elan
Great Patriotic Luncheon
Tourist son: But what do they call Chinese food in China?
Tourist mom, thinking: I don't know honey, good question.
--36th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Omar
Vagina 101 Is a Prerequisite for This Course
Hipster chick: [Whispering]... Vagina. [Whispering]... Vagina. [Whispering]... Haha, vagina!
Six people collectively: Shut up!
Four-year-old boy: Mom, what's a vagina?
Mom: It's a word that only fucking inconsiderate people say around four-year-olds.
Four-year-old: Mom, what's 'fucking'?
--A train
Overheard by: Alex Gherardi aka Booger
I Am Supercuts. 'I Am Supercuts!'
Drunk NYU dude: Dude, check it out! Spartacus!
Tipsy NYU dude: What?!
Drunk NYU dude: See? Spartacus!
Tipsy NYU dude: Dude, that says, 'Supercuts.'
--11th St & University Pl
Do You Know How Much the Kids Who Make Those Get Paid?
Chick pointing to friend wearing Nike Air Force Ones: Girl, I can't believe you had rough sex in those shoes!
Guy passerby: That shit's disgusting! That girl's disgusting!
--42nd & Broadway
Tom: It's Not As Easy As You'd Think
Skinny girl: Well, what are you waiting for?
Chubby girl: I'm waiting for her to fuck Jerry!
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: diana
That Would Make All the Difference
Big guy: What you have to do is use your discrepancy.
Young lady: Yeah, I agree.
--W 43rd St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: John Paul
And Then Some More Steroids
Bimbette #1: My brain hurts. That Chemistry test made me think too much.
Bimbette #2: Well, yeah. I mean, you were using it, and it is the largest muscle in the human body.
Bimbette #1: Oh, right.
Bimbette #2: Wait... Or is it the heart?
Bimbette #1: No, I think your brain is definitely bigger. But who cares, I just want to pop some Advil.
--NYU
Overheard by: Amateur Brain Cardiologist
It's a Bit Presumptuous, but Amusing in Its Arrogance
Customer: How's the hummus?
Waiter: It tastes like tree bark.
--Around the Clock Cafe
Your American Beer Is Like Squeezings from My Weimeraner
Man: Hey, are you guys from Germany?
Tourists: Ja?
Man: I'll tell you one good thing about Germany -- the beer, the food, and the women.
Tourist: Ja.
--N train
Overheard by: Don Willmott
Cue Bass Line
Black girl: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm just so hot that I wish I could fuck myself.
White girl: Oh my god, me too!
Black girl: Really, you look at yourself naked in the mirror, too?
White girl: No, I look at you in the mirror, silly.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Roderic
It's Branding -- What Are Ya Gonna Do?
Hipster #1 walking past large inflatable snowman: Dude, I fucking hate Christmas. It's like, nothing but a giant celebration of modern consumer capitalism.
Hipster #2 gesturing to wreath on church door: Totally. Look, even the churches are advertising Christmas these days.
--Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
Come and Meet Those Dancing Feet
Young woman running up platform, slamming into tourist lady: Damn fucking tourists! Get the fuck out of my way!
Tourist lady: Excuse me, what?
Young woman: Don't be 'what'-ing me. I just gave you a New-fucking-York experience. You should be thanking me.
--Subway station, 42nd St
Overheard by: Susane
Miss Hilton's Publicist Keeps His Finger on the Pulse
Girl #1: Britney really needs to stop showing her hoo-ha all over Hollywood.
Girl #2: Seriously. If I see one more picture of her vag, I'll vomit.
Girl #1: What, her mother didn't teach her to put on panties?
Girl #2: Or get out of a car without showing her cooter?
Girl #3: I was on Perez Hilton dot com the other day, and they fully had pictures of her in all her glory.
Girl #2: Oh my god, was it bald? I heard it actually looked nice and neat.
Girl #3: Yeah, I guess it was okay. One of the nicer ones I've seen.
Guy at next table on cell: What? ... Oh, sorry honey. No, I'm paying attention to you. I'm just at Starbucks, and some girls were, uh... talking really loud at the next table.
--Starbucks, Union Square
Wait, Can We Start Over?
Teen boy #1: You hit like a girl.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, well, you taste like a girl.
--110th St & Cathedral Pkwy
Dude, You Suck at the Dozens
Black employee: Yo, why you gotta be hatin' on my family like that?
White kid: Because you're black.
Black employee: ... Your mama's black!
--Gristedes, 20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Caroline
And Apparently She's 'Not Black,' Either
Blonde #1: Look -- a statue of Gandhi.
Blonde #2: Look how skinny he is.
Blonde #1: I'm hella-jealous.
Blonde #2: Ditto. I wonder how he did it.
Blonde #1: Anorexia, probably.
Blonde #2: Figures. Maybe him and Nicole Richie are related [giggles].
Blonde #1: I don't get it -- she's not Indian, is she?
--Union Square
Overheard by: kwhatwhat
Just be sure you don't give her The Baby
Irish Guy #1: Did you see Peaches last week?
Irish Guy #2: Yeah.
Irish Guy #1: Mank. But I'd still give her the fuck.
Headline by: International Man of Leisure
Runners-Up:
· "'tis the fuck o' the Irish" - brian brinegar
· "And also, presumably, the cream" - lauren
· "May the bitch rise up to meet your cock" - Drewster
· "Mick Wanker Dicks Mank Yank Skank" - Rod W
· "Yeah, I'd hit the pit!" - janine
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Good, I Need At Least Three States between Me and That Guy
Tourist lady: Excuse me, where is West 54th Street?
Guy: You're on it.
Tourist lady: Do you know where Jay Leno is?
Guy: Los Angeles.
--W 54th & 6th
Overheard by: shankalicious
We'll Have to Take the MUH-TAA to Get There
Lady: Hey, I have to get going to that puh-taa meeting tonight.
Husband: That what meeting?!
Lady: Puh-taa. For the school...
Husband: ... You mean the P.T.A. meeting?
Lady: You know that's what I meant!
--W 5th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Patricia
No, Really, I Need to Buy an Avocado!
Hobo: Please help me, I'm hungry. Please help me, I'm hungry...
Suit: Don't lie, motherfucker. You need that shit fo' crack!
--D train
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It in Their Mattresses
Suit: I pay my money, I cross my legs, and I say, 'Entertain me.'
--52nd St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Woman on cell: Money is kind of like a metaphor for life.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
Street performer: Hey, little children, if your parents don't give you money to give us, it means they don't love you!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Allison
Guy on bench: Let Jesus out of your wallet! All you good Christians, I need some of your Jesus money!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Laura
Loud guy: For that kind of money I should stand on my hands and juggle bowling balls out my anus!
--Subway station at 72nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Will TiVo It
Guy: I sold everything -- the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights... They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I'll only have one million, and that doesn't go as far as it used to.
--MoMA lobby
Overheard by: foofoo
Fat chick: ... So I was like, 'Mom, what the fuck? I don't need a diet.' Then she goes, 'But your doctor told you that you're a hundred pounds overweight -- eat healthier!' Then I just told her, 'Screw you!' I'd rather go on Maury than lose weight!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Maury Povich's viewer
Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We's gonna be on TV, nigga!
--137th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Liberace wannabe on cell: ... And I thought, 'Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!'
--44th & 9th
Conductor: There's another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.
--W train to Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Vaguely Christian Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy homeless guy: Ya see, I don't like the Baptists, because I'm a Roman Catholic. But I would hire a Baptist man, because I like the doughnuts.
--4 train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Little boy skipping: I did not commit a sin!
--Central Park
Yuppie chick on cell: It's really easy to convert to Protestantism. All you have to do is kill a few Catholics, Martin Luther King style. Okay, I gotta go, I have a train to catch.
--Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I'd like to know where she studied history
Man bowing head: Hail Mary, full of-- ah, fuck it.
--Northbound Q train
Wednesday One-Liners Dropped Out of Lamaze
Girl: And it's, like, strike two. You're totally not getting a baby gift when I find out you're preggers on Facebook.
--M23 bus
Suit on cell: My dad was making out with the nurse while I was being born...
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Miss Rach
Homeless lady: God's pregnant! He wants the city dead! God's pregnant!
--46th St & 5th Ave
Young boy pumping arms at sides and thrusting pelvis: Fertilize me!
--Starbucks
Wednesday One-Liners Couldn't Get into Stuyvesant
Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn't graduate... Don't major in Chemistry. Also, don't smoke crack.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: not planning on it
Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside -- this train is not made of spandex.
--F train
Overheard by: BellaFrancine
Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.
--Dorm room, Columbia campus
Overheard by: college girl
Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? ... How many things are wrong with that?
--Salvation Army store, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Wednesday One-Liners Have Relations with Relations
Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!
--Parking lot
Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!
--57th St & 7th Ave
Girl: I'd love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we're not second cousins.
--NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: tj
Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents' bed with my mom...
--Penn Station
Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don't know. Is Leland having sex with his father's girlfriend?
--Outside UCB Theatre
Triple-Platinum Wednesday One-Liners
Prep: I only drink liquors that have been referenced in rap songs.
--Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kelly
Tourist watching Ashlee Simpson video on large screen: I thought she just kinda went away...
--44th & Broadway
Midwest tourist lady to Gary, Mayor of Strawberry Fields: Wow, was John Lennon inspired to write the song from this memorial?
--Central Park West at 72nd Street, at Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: Stuart
Teen looking at poster of Reba McEntire in Annie Get Your Gun: I didn't know she sang!
--Marriot Marquis
Overheard by: theater babe
Gift wrap lady introducing new volunteers: Hey, John, this is Yoko...
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Woman: Who's Britney Spears?
--CVS, 87th & Lex
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Take Our Wednesday One-Liners: Please!
Newspaper hander-outer: Don't be scared to take a free Post!
--Public library
Guy handing out circus flyers: Great for kids! Bring your kids! Short kids, tall kids, small kids, fat kids...
--Columbus Circle
Flyer dude: Comedy show? Comedy show? [Depressed voice] No, I wouldn't come either.
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Guy selling comedy show tickets: You like comedy? Come to the show! Even fake IDs are accepted!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bought comedy show tix, but not from him
Newspaper guy: Free New York Post! Get your free New York Post here! [Flips it over so the headlines are facing down.] Get your free New York Times here! Free New York Times!
--14th St & 4th Ave
Guy passing out postcards: Please take-- Please take a-- They won't let me go home until I finish this!
--43rd & Broadway
We Heart Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Why is love so goddamn expensive?
--Outside MoMA
Overheard by: Chris
Drunk ghetto girl screaming into cell: He told me he loved me and this and that... And this and that, dammit! And then his cock was in her, and I was like, 'Whoa, are you with me or not?!' So I pulled her weave out and-- Hello? Are you still there?
--Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: I just wanted to sleep
WASP suit: The newspaper made me fall in love with Brad Pitt.
--53rd & Lex
Overheard by: not in love with brad pitt
Little girl: I love you, brain.
--87th & York
Girl on cell: Tell your man to stay out of my business, or I'll break his jaw. I'll break his jaw again! I don't need the love of a man, I've got my mother and Jesus to fuckin' love me. I can meet people -- I've got MySpace, AOL, IM, and I can chat!
--Subway station, Canal St
Medicinal Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: ... So she smoked some pot and said, 'This isn't working. I need to shoot some heroin.'
--26th St & 8th Ave
Professor: Every good professor smokes marijuana.
--John Jay College
Overheard by: soccerking3t
Fat guy: Hey, I just finished running the marathon -- let's call Jeff and go get high!
--12th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: off white
Young pothead: Hey, lady, could you spare some change to help support my marijuana habit?
--Borough Hall Park, Staten Island
Future teacher: I think we should let the kids smoke pot everyday after lunch... You know, just for kindergarten.
--Spruce St & Gold St
Overheard by: Kim
Chick on cell: For some reason that reminds me of The Bell Jar. But probably, I'm just still high.
--West 4th St & Greene
Four of Five Dentists Recommend Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: Then I looked down at her and said, 'Your bleached teeth are burning my dick!'
--Caliente Cab Co., Waverly & Green
Suit to female companion: You'll stick your tongue up my ass, but you won't share my toothbrush because of germs?!
--Renaissance Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: Big Larry
Girl on cell: ... So then he asked me to leave my toothbrush at his place, and I said no. And then he never called me again! I'm glad I didn't leave my toothbush there.
--1 train
Overheard by: joe d.
Guy on cell: ... So I lost my job, and he brushed my teeth for six months.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Young girl to mother pushing stroller: Oh, right, like I've never brushed her hair. Like I've never fed her or brushed her teeth. What the hell have you done for her?
--63rd & Lex
Overheard by: Jillian
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I'm just saying, I think it's weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
--Outside Bergdorf's, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready... The one for the video... You can't hear me? I'm on a bus, not an airplane! It's not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you're telling me you can't understand what I'm saying... Yes, I have her ready for the video... The girl! ... About twenty minutes... Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
--M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn't paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up... Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we'll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
--Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
The Trick Is Getting the Whale to Hold Still
Girl #1: Have you ever had a 'sandy eggo'?
Girl #2: Ummm... What's that?
Girl #1: Just guess from the name!
Girl #2: Uh... A whale's vagina?
--1 train
Could You at Least Pretend to Be a 14-Year-Old Boy?
Older dude: We know you want to do a 14-year-old boy.
Younger dude: [Smiles uncertainly, speechless.]
Older dude, a few minutes later: I'm not saying you would like to do a 14-year-old boy...
Younger dude: Thank you.
Older dude: I would like to do a 14-year-old boy.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Anthony
For Buying Me Shoes with Laces Instead of Velcro
Mother: Your shoes are untied. Should we stop so you can tie them?
Son: No!
Mother: Well, okay... But if you fall and break your nose, it's your fault.
Son: No! It's your fault!
--54th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andy
... Instead of 17
Girl #1: Ugh, my mom.
Girl #2: What about her?
Girl #1: She's like, 'Can you get me a beer?'
Girl #2: Yeah?
Girl #1: And I'm like, 'You mean a case?' And she says, 'I don't drink a case.' And I'm all, 'You mean, you could drink more?'
Girl #2: Oh, yeah?
Girl #1: Yeah... And thank god she's fixed, otherwise I'd have, like, 18 brothers and sisters running around.
--6 train from 23rd St
Overheard by: Mark
Odd How Fate Has Drawn Us Together
Drunk blonde: My roommate is so fat, every day I'm like, 'Put down the fuckin' twinkie, fatass.'
Suit: Uh-huh.
Drunk blonde: And then she just rolls over.
Suit: Yeah, I have the same problem with my wife.
--L train
She's Given This More Thought Than I Am Really Comfortable With
Chick #1: So, who would you rather blow -- your mom or your dad?
Chick #2: Well, my mom kinda looks like me, and I think that's hot, when it's two girls who kinda look like each other.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Won't They Feel Silly When They Discover the Hobo's Dead
Tourist girl #1: Hey, look behind me.
Tourist girl #2: What? All I see is a wall.
Tourist girl #1: No, you dumb shit -- on the ground.
Tourist girl #2: Oh, it's just a hobo. Oh my god, it's a hobo! [Screaming] Ahhh! I'm scared of hobos! Will he rape me?!
Tourist girl #1: Shut up, retard. Just 'cause he is a sleeping hobo doesn't mean he can't hear you. And no, he won't rape you.
Tourist girl #2: Oh, well, good thing I'm with you -- I feel safer.
Tourist girl #1: Why?
Tourist girl #2: 'Cause if anyone was gonna rape one of us, they would pick you to rape first -- you're way prettier -- so while they were raping you I could run away screaming.
Tourist girl #1: Shut up. You're a freak.
--Netherlander Theatre
Overheard by: rent head
Could You Scooch over Just a Little?
Teen girl: This is the shittiest day.
Wheelbo: Would you rather trade places with me?
Teen girl: I would, nigga -- I haven't sat down all day.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: katicus
They Say That on Quiet Nights a Hairless Specter Stalks the Terminal
TSA agent #1 pointing at escalator: ... And she fell right around here, her hair gets caught right there... And it just rips her scalp right off.
TSA agent #2: Oh, dear god...
--Terminal 4, JFK
Look, Once and for All, It's Car-a-mel!
Dude #1: What's karma?
Dude #2: I think it's the stuff they put in chocolate bars.
Dude #1: That's peanuts, you dipshit.
Dude #2: What kind of chocolate bars are you eating?
--F train
Like, They'll Be Dating Interracially and Shit
Guy in BYU tee: Let's just face it -- no one we meet here will be normal.
BYU girl: Yeah, you're so right.
--Washington Square Park
They Actually Have to Be in Coldsleep Chambers
Worker #1: It should be really slow tonight, because it's the holiday where all Jews can't go out of their houses.
Worker #2: You mean, they can't step outside at all?
Worker #1: Well, I don't know if they have to stay in their actual houses, but wherever they are, it's not here!
--Yom Kippur, Cosi restaurant
George W. Bush: Let Me Explain 'Proportional Response' to You, Young Man...
Dad: ... Should have hit him -- you don't just let someone just step on your hand like that...
Four-year-old: Da-aaad! It was an accident.
--Heckscher Playground
Overheard by: Clarity Burntime
Farmer: And I Still Would If I Thought I Could Get Away with It
Black guy: Yo, you know what 'FUBU' stand for?
Black girl: Yeah, 'For Us, by Us.'
Black guy: Naw, it stand for 'Farmers Used to Beat Us.'
Black girl: It does not! It's 'For Us, by Us'!
Black guy: That's what they want you to think. Everybody knows it's 'Farmers Used to Beat Us.'
Black girl: There ain't no 'T' in 'FUBU'!
Black guy: That don't matter.
Black girl: You ign'ant, nigga!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Greg Reeves
Just Lather, Rinse and Repeat. Always Repeat.
Woman: I just saw a girl go into the men's bathroom.
Girl: That's my boyfriend!
Woman: I'd kill to have that hair.
--Long line for bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: sexyface
He's Gonna Get Home Way before She Does
Woman: One more stop, but then we'll still be really fucking far away from home.
Man: Maybe the bus will come like that [snaps fingers], just like I came this morning [snaps them again].
Woman: Shhh! There are other people on this train, you know!
Man: Oh, it doesn't matter, no one's listening.
--L train
Overheard by: i'm sitting right next to you
You and That Skin Infection Were Meant for Each Other
Lady: So, are you giving them gifts this year?
Fat woman with afro: Ugh, I just spent 300 dollars on my tattoo. I can't afford it.
Lady: Oh, really?
Fat woman with afro: You know, in Amsterdam tattoos are covered by the government. It's part of the health plan.
Lady: Wow.
Fat woman with afro: I mean, why should I pay 600 dollars for emergency health insurance when I'd rather that money be spent on my tattoo? I don't go to the hospital. It doesn't make sense.
Lady: Uh-huh... I see what you mean.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Elise L.
And They Don't Tell You 'til the Third Date
NYU bimbette #1: I swear, everyone at NYU is gay.
NYU bimbette #2: Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
NYU bimbette #1: No, I mean, like, everybody -- like 40 percent.
--Veselka, 9th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Bean
If Only We Could Convince Them to Roll Themselves in Cornflakes and Flour
Manager: My son likes white girls. I'm like, 'Boy, don't you know white people smell funny?! They smell like chicken when it's wet outside!'
Coworker: Oh, yeah, they do be smellin' weird.
--DT store, 32nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Maybe if it was, your father would finally want to give me an orgasm
Daughter: But mom, I don't like the chicken.
Mother: Sorry, honey, not everything can be McDonald's.
Headline by: Snowy in Seattle
Runners-Up:
· "Hates the chicken, but loves the cock" - Humberto
· "Hookers on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"" - Krisztina
· "Just give George Bush one more term..." - Noh
· "M.A.F.D.- Mothers Against Fat Daughters" - L Friz
· "McDonlads is the only thing that doesn't taste like chicken" - Babakganoosh
· "So shut up and eat the rest of your Meow Mix" - remark
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's My Turn to Follow Her Today
Girl #1: Hey, remember that time you got laser hair removal for your lip?
Girl #2: Stacy! Stop talking, there are people around!
Girl #1: Oh, right, as though you will ever see any of these people again.
Random guy: Actually, I'm in her Computer Science class.
--6 train
They Were Aiming for Chineseville
Woman: Jeez.
Man: What?
Woman: Suddenly we're in Italiantown. How did that happen?
--Mulberry & Grand, Little Italy
Overheard by: Cannoli Boy
He Settled for a Baked Stuffed Potato Frappé
Worker #1: What do you want?
Worker #2: Iced tea.
Worker #1, checking at Wendy's: They don't have iced tea. What do you want?
Worker #2: Mashed potatoes.
--Court St, Brooklyn
Why He Couldn't Land the Page Job in Washington
Sniffer: There are pedophiles everywhere. There are pedophiles in this train right now.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: I see them, and I know who they are. I can smell them.
Friend: Mmm-hmmm.
Sniffer: Yeah, I smell you.
--F train, Midtown
Other Subway Hobos Can Smell That It's My Territory
Chick #1 grabbing a pole on crowded subway: Ew! This pole is wet!
Chick #2: Huh?
Male stranger: Yeah, I just finished licking it.
--N train
Overheard by: Pamela
Speaking of Which: Drinking out of Toilets? Fabulous.
Chick #1: ... I don't know...
Chick #2: Trust me -- he wants it, but he'll never ask. You do it by surprise, and he'll, like, cum all over you.
Chick #1: It just seems nasty.
Chick #2: Yeah, it's nasty -- that's why guys like it! And I guess it feels good. I mean, boy dogs lick their own, right?
--21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Manhattman
Maybe If You Stopped Calling Them That?
Black guy #1: She'll probably holla at you before she hollas at me, though.
Black guy #2: For real! That's how white bitches are!
--Metropolitan Ave, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
And the Feeling That Whatever Happened Here Is Over
Dad: ... And how do you know when we're in the Village, sweetie?
Tween girl: Hipsters?
Dad: Uh, no, I was talking about that sign [points to 'Welcome to Greenwich' sign].
Tween girl: Oh.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Isn't That the Going Rate for Disrespectful Persistence?
Crazy hobo: Yo, can I have five dollars?
Girl: Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are?
Crazy hobo: Bitch, I'll fuck you up! Give me five dollars!
Girl: I'll give you five dollars when you start respecting me!
Crazy hobo: Give me a dollar?
--7th & Grove
Might Be Time for a False Pregnancy
Bleached blonde #1: He's totally cheating on me.
Bleached blonde #2: Yeah, with his wife. I don't think that counts.
Bleached blonde #1: It totally does. The bastard.
--Carnegie Hall
If I Can't Cancel on a Whim, I Hyperventilate
Hipster dude #1, about broken cell: What a pain in the ass! How did they do it before?
Hipster dude #2: Before, they made plans. You know, 'I'll meet you there at this time.' And then they did it.
Hipster dude #1: Oh, that. I don't like it.
--4th Ave & 11th St
Britney Has a Talk with Her Publicist
Girl #1: That is such a cute shirt.
Girl #2: Thanks, but it's actually a dress.
Girl #1: Is it?
Girl #2: Well, I hope so, because I'm not wearing any pants.
--NYU
I Have Got to Find a Better Way to Meet Men
Old Asian suit viciously kicks another suit.
Victim suit: Whoa, whoa -- what're you doing?
Old Asian suit: Kicking you!
Victim suit: Why?
Old Asian suit: Because you're trying to stick your dick in my ass! Back up!
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
But the Venus de Milo's Pretty Hot, If You're into Amputees
Guy #1: I try to stay away from Italian women.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because they are hairy.
--Broadway & 50th
Overheard by: Keithrez
Well, No, Obviously Not That
Guy: You know Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, right?
Puerto Rican girl: Yeah, so?
Guy: Well, you called it a country.
Puerto Rican girl: I've just got pride like that.
Guy: What, pride about being American?
--F train
Overheard by: Alison
The Advance Scout from Planet X Blows Its Cover
Guy: You know, they're giving away money on the T train for being nice.
Bimbette: What?
Guy: The T train -- they're giving away money to people who are nice.
Bimbette: Who are?
Guy: The T train.
Bimbette: How can a train give away money?
Guy: Not the train. The people -- the train people.
Bimbette: Why would they give away money?
Guy: To encourage people to be nice. They give it to people who do nice things.
Bimbette: Nice things?
Guy: Yeah, like holding open the door, letting someone have your seat -- nice things.
Bimbette: How can they just give away money?
Guy: It's not actual money. They're gift certificates to Dunkin' Donuts.
Bimbette: What's a donut?
Guy: Are you fucking kidding me?
--A train
Overheard by: this imaginary train you speak of sounds nice
But Feel Free to Elaborate on That
Doctor: Order an MRI, CT scan, and a full blood work-up.
Session assistant: Okay... What's the primary diagnosis?
Doctor: I don't know, cancer?
--Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center
But at Least There Are No More Sacrifices after That
Drunk girl #1: Being pregnant must suck.
Drunk girl #2: Why do you say that?
Drunk girl #1: Imagine not being able to drink for nine whole months.
--84th & Columbus
I'm Just Saying She Makes Great Films!
Guy #1: Dude, your mom's a Coen brother.
Guy #2: Wait... Fuck you, dude.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: harlembound
Her Neighborhood Had to Put up 'Slow Children' Signs
Two tween girls cross the street, dodging cars.
Tween #1: Oh my god, I can't believe you did that! You know I don't watch where I'm going!
Tween #2: You don't?
Tween #1: Uh, no -- every day I almost get hit by a car, and my friends always make fun of me, and my friends say, 'Oh my god, you almost got hit by that car,' and I say, 'Yeah, duh, you guys know I don't look both ways!'
--61st & Amsterdam
Something... Something... It's On!
Crazy guy: Next person to stand in the way of the closing doors... Now it's on!
Thugette #1: That's right, mister! Next one that...
Thugette #2: You don't even remember what he just said?
--6 train, 77th St
Overheard by: Drewster
... Sometimes I Slip Maker's Mark into the Rotation
Mother: Okay, now when we get to the movie theater, your mother needs to go to the bathroom... No groaning!
Little boy, groaning: You have to pee, like, eight times a day! And on the airplane, you get up, like, 10 times!
Mother: Well, I drink a lot of water.
Little boy: And wine.
Mother: Well...
--M104 bus
2008: 'Clone Your Own Aja' Kits Go on Sale for 50 Dollars
Ghetto girl: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to bother you. I am not selling these things to raise money for my school or a basketball team. I am selling them to raise money for me. I have a half-drunk bottle of Sprite, 25 cents.
Ghetto guy: That's got your saliva in it.
Ghetto girl: I am gonna be famous some day -- it will be worth a lot of money.
--C train
Overheard by: eej
Are You Kidding? This Is Stand-Up Comedy Gold!
Lesbian: So, I wanted to get my hair cut really short, y'know? And, like, dyed red. But my mom was like, 'No, you're too fat to be an Asian man.'
Asian man: That sucks.
--A train
No, Ask for More! It's Free Range!
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Who'll gimme a dollar fo' this kitten? I know one of ya'lls got a dollar fo' this kitten. You?! You?!
Confused passerby: Didn't you get that from the vacant lot behind you?
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Shut up, fool! Okay... Fitty cent, then!
--West 153rd St
Overheard by: goofopet
No, Two More Hostages
Male passenger: Man, come on, move the bus! There's a fucking war in Iraq, and I have to take two more buses! There's a war in Iraq, and I have to take two more buses!
Female passenger: What, to get there?
--Q76 bus
Overheard by: Samn
Because My Son Plays with Barbies, and He's Certainly Not Gay
Woman #1: Well, I have a nephew who's still 10 and enjoys playing with Barbies and likes to cook. Who knows? Maybe he'll turn out to be gay.
Woman #2: Wait, are most cooks gay? I don't think so...
--Near United Nations
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
Get This Girl... a Magic Feather!
Teen girl #1: So wait, what does 'DUMBO' stand for?
Teen girl #2: Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass.
Teen girl #1: Oooh, so then that area by the Brooklyn Bridge is 'BUMBO,' right?
--Grimaldi's, DUMBO
Overheard by: michael Ciancio
Fucking Lightweight
Chick #1: Are you feeling better? You looked really sick last night.
Chick #2: Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a Tonka truck.
Chick #1: A Tonka truck?
Chick #2: Well, you know, I always exaggerate.
Chick #1, laughing: A Tonka truck is a toy. I think you mean a mack truck.
Chick #2: ... No wonder people look at me weird when I say that.
--Ten's World Class Cabaret
I Hear He Has Warts on His Hog
Nerdy teen: Dude, I really want to see what Lord Voldemort looks like in the movie.
Friend: Yeah, man. I really want to see Lord Voldemort get naked.
Nerdy teen: Oh, yeah. Me, t-- What?
--Borders
One Wonders Why He Doesn't Simply Represent Himself
Young black guy #1: Being a lawyer is a no-brain job. They don't have to know nothing about nothing. Just stand there.
Young black guy #2: Yeah, but I'd like to be a lawyer. I don't want to go to court or nothing, just have the title.
Young black guy #1: Most lawyers are worse than the criminals they defend.
Young black guy #2: So, what's happening with your case?
Young black guy #1: It's getting dismissed, or I'm pleading guilty or something.
Young black guy #2: Yeah?
Young black guy #1: God rest Johnnie Cochran's soul.
--Food Court, Concourse Plaza, Bronx
Overheard by: Lawyer
Only Way to Learn Anything
Mother to friend: So, I had a hot flash the other day, and I was like, 'Oh my god! Am I going through menopause?' and--
Son: --Mom! What does 'menopause' mean? [Mother ignores him.] If you don't tell me, I'll yell it in public until you do!
--Starbucks
Remember When He Threw Marco Polo to the Rancor?
Girl: Look at that guy! He's gross -- he looks like Attila the Hun.
Guy: What? He doesn't even look Asian.
Girl: Look how fat he is! He's waddling around just like Attila!
Guy: Tell me you don't mean Jabba the Hutt.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Paul
How English Became the Universal Language: Fatigue
NYU bimbette #1: Why is it called 'Deutschland' if the people there aren't Dutch?
NYU bimbette #2: Because the German name for Germany is 'Deutschland.'
NYU bimbette #1: Oh... So, then... why don't they just call it 'Germany'?
--Washington Square Park
It's a 'Dude' Nipple
Teen guy #1: I'm totally gonna dump Christine.
Teen guy #2: No way! She's awesome-hot! What did she do?
Teen guy #1: Yesterday she asked me why chicken breasts don't have nipples.
Teen guy #2: That's nothing! Why are you gonna dump her over... Oh... She probably doesn't know about your dud nipple.
Teen guy #1: Dude! Don't call it that!
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: eating
Thanks to Dow Corning Breast Implants
Loud guy: They're both really pretty.
Girl: Yeah, sure.
Loud guy: Sure, they've got busted noses, but they're still really pretty.
--Chola Restaurant, 58th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
I Have Never Known Where the Line Is
Dude #1: This one girl I hooked up with once made me choke her and shit when we fucked. She wanted to struggle, and I had to pry her legs open and hold her down. And she cried afterward.
Dude #2, laughing: Dude... Are you sure you weren't raping this girl?
Dude #1, laughing: Man, fuck you. [Abruptly stops laughing, pales] ... Fuck, man...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jane
Sadly, It Was a Spinach Salad
Waitress: Would you like soup or salad with that?
Loud queer: I'll have the salad, if it's clean.
Waitress: [Silence.]
Loud queer: Who's making the salad?
Waitress: Jonathan.
Loud queer: Oh, if Jonathan's making it, then it's clean. I'll have the salad.
--Mudd, 9th Ave, between 1st & 2nd St
And Prickly
Mom: Let's take the stairs, honey.
Thick daughter: Are you saying I'm fat?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Jason
Oh, Good. Watch Out, Now.
NYU guy #1: Do you think if the crane falls on us I can get an extension on my midterm?
NYU guy #2: Definitely, man.
--3rd Ave & 14th St
The Joke's Always on You, Mom
Eight-year-old delinquent: Yeah, son, I'm gonna get drunk on eggnog!
Six-year-old brother: I'ma drink me two beers!
Mother: Shut up, yous were all tricked! That was apple cider!
--A train
Overheard by: Hungover Intern
All I'm Going to Say Is That the First One Is Free
Old JAP: Alan, I'm thinking about upgrading my phone. I hear good things about the Blackberry, but will that be compatible to send emails to my friends with Crackberries?
Alan: Ummm, I'm not going to bother explaining, but yes, they are compatible.
--Kosher pizza place
Overheard by: Shira
It's Called the Constitution. Read It While Parts of It Are Still Valid
Disgruntled man: Fuck that.
Disgruntled woman: I know. You know she a Arabic, so she don't care about us.
Disgruntled man: Why the fuck they let that kind of people work there?
--Elevator, Children's Services, 125th & Lenox
In New York City, If There Aren't Lights on It, It Doesn't Exist
Airhead #1: Where is the tree?
Airhead #2: It's not here!
--Next to the unlit Christmas tree, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Lalaith
Okay, Now We Know Why You're Still Single
Chick #1: She got really upset with me for telling him that she got her wedding dress online.
Chick #2: Oh, I kind of understand that--
Chick #3, furiously: --What?! She can take his dick in her mouth, but she can't tell him she got her wedding dress online?! She can put her face in his ass and not tell him she got her fucking dress online?!
--Pizza place near 5th Ave & DeGraw, Park Slope
Then She Finished Her Homework and Went to School
Fag hag: Nuh-uh! She say yo' mama old?
Young and fabulous latino: Shiiit. I was like, 'Don' even start with me, aiight? My mama had me whe she was 14! She was all like, 'Uh... Uh...' pushin' me outta her pussy like I was hot!'
--6 train
Overheard by: Goofopet
An Attorney? Contribute to Society?
Hobo to girl with two bags and seven textbooks: Damn, girl, where you goin' wid all dem books? You rob a Barnes and Noble or somethin'? You tryin'a sell your shit, too? Yeah, you know how it is...
Girl: No, I've actually spent the last 18 hours in the library studying for my law school exams so I can become an attorney and contribute to society. But I'm sure you know all about that.
Hobo: Yeah, law school ain't work out for me, neither. How much you sellin' that New York Peen... Penal... Oh, shit! You learn about dicks and clits and shit in law school?!
--Church St, TriBeCa
The Birth of Grimace
Little girl exiting restroom: Mommy! I'm not afraid to have a baby anymore!
Mother: Huh?
Little girl: I just had the biggest poop ever!
--McDonald's
Where Pentecostal Preachers Come From
Seven-year-old girl pointing at a spinal column in glass case: What's that?
10-year-old brother: It's a snake.
Seven-year-old girl: No way... No, it's not...
10-year-old brother: Yes, it is. It lives inside you. If you make it mad, it eats your brain.
--Bodies exhibit, South St Seaport
Overheard by: snakebite
I Still Got Pregnant!
Lady #1: What are you looking at?
Lady #2: Hand sanitizer.
Lady #1: Don't get that shit. It's so overrated.
--Target, Bronx
Overheard by: Jas & Jess
She's Working Her Way through My Address Book. Today She's on the Ds.
Girl #1: Hey, how're you doing?
Girl #2: Hey! Aren't you--?
Girl #1 slaps girl #2, then runs away screaming: You're a fucking bitch!
Girl #2 on cell: Hello, Alex*? This is Diane*. I haven't seen you in, like, three years, so could you please explain to me why your ex-girlfriend, whom I've never met, just slapped me and called me a bitch? Call me back, thanks, bye.--Starbucks, 4th & UniversityOverheard by: Chitin
Headline by: David Terrenoire
Runners-Up:
· "Girl, Interrupted" - Cooper Cheatham
· "I think it had to do with that one time my penis was in your vagina...." - ryan
· "Lucky to only get half the clap in return" - Brian A
· "Maybe Because You Still Have Me on Speed Dial After 3 years?" - Bobita
· "When Alibis Attack" - Barry Negrin
· "When you dump someone, you're dumping everyone they've ever dumped." - Ed Maudlin
· "You also might want to check on the pet rabbit" - will1966
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
File That Come-on Under 'Failure'
Drunk guy: Can you wipe my ass for me?
Drunk girl: You're a grown-ass man! Wipe your own ass!
--Outside bathroom in O'Conners Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Next in line
Sure He Shits in a Box and Pukes on the Rug, but That's Predictable
Woman #1: I just come home to problems.
Woman #2: I come home to everything nice.
Woman #1: No, I just have problems. It's always problems with him!
Woman #2: My cat is just right there, and he's always fine and doesn't complain, and that's why I just love having a cat instead.
--Pine St & William St
Overheard by: why i don't have a cat
I Only Wish the Power of Christ Could Compel Hipsters
Hipster girl #1 as priest boards train: Oh my god, it's a priest...!
Hipster girl #2: Shit, we have to be good! We'll go to hell! Shit! I just said, 'Shit'! I am going to hell!
Hipster girl #1: He's staring at us now!
--Metro North train, 125th St, Harlem
For Wednesday One-Liners, Sexy Never Went Away
Teen boy: I really think that in Dracula the vampire dude is trying to bring the sexy back to England.
--F train
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.
--6 train, 59th St
Overheard by: Katey
Girl: That was a sexy garbage can...
--Stuyvesant High School
Little boy in stroller: I'm bringing sexy back!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: sarah B
REM Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: Oh, I just phoned him at five a.m. to tell him that I accidentally set the alarm clock at six a.m., so that he wouldn't be woken up by it.
--14th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: muffin
Man on cell: So you woke up and she was gone?! Sweet!
--95 Wall St
Overheard by: Samantha
Boriqua woman: My two-year-old refuses to understand the concept of 'Shut the fuck up and go to sleep.'
--McDonald's, Union Square
Overheard by: drew roddy
Two women singing: He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake; Santa Claus is stalkin' ya, lock your doors for goodness sakes!
--Crowded 6 train
Overheard by: Ltrainer
Wednesday One-Liners: Now with Coloring Placemat Menus
Small child in large line of kids to woman carrying first-aid kit: Hey, Miss Cynthia, I can't wait to disappear!
--Lawton St, & Bushwick Ave, Brooklyn
Boy pointing at guy dressed as Statue of Liberty: We waited this whole time just to see that?!
--Line for Statue of Liberty, Battery Park
Little girl: Daddy! I'm hard!
--Blockbuster
Overheard by: Abram
Small boy: Mommy, you sit over there next to Grandma, and I'll sit over here next to myself.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: post-modern self-identity is a funny thing
Sobbing little boy in stroller to mother: Why can't you just settle me dowwwn?!
--48th St & Madison
Overheard by: Micaela
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their iPods on and Their Eyes Focused on the Floor
Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn't even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!
--Train from Penn Station
Overheard by: tourist...
Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.
Toddler: This is 23rd Street -- Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N... The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!
--6 train at 23rd St
Overheard by: vic
Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.
--R train
Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear... Oh, dear... Oh, dear. The train's coming, Mommy. It's coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It's coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It's coming. It's coming! It's coming, it's coming! Ahhh!
--6 train station, 77th St
Overheard by: BJ
Black guy opening engineer's door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I'll drive it myself!
--Canarsie-bound L train
Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.
--1 train, rush hour
Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC
Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.
--The Gap, Bensonhurst
Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll... The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.
--Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St
Overheard by: college graduate
White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.
--233rd St & Jerome Ave
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Suit to another: Whatever, it's New York. I'm expecting to get told 'F-you' like 17 times.
--LaGuardia airport
Overheard by: Raja
Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl... I fucked that hot dog up!
--Mercer and W. 4th
Dude: Ma... Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I'm fucking serious here.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia
Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say 'Fuck'!
--Irving & Greene, Bushwick
Overheard by: Andy
A Gangsta Paradise of Wednesday One-Liners
Thug: Last I heard, he was being charged with some serious shit -- accessory to kidnapping, accessory to rape... That's why you can't hang out with niggas that's in love.
--Q19A bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Thug referencing billboard of The Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines: Yo, that's an action flick 'bout the Dewey Decimal system!
--49th & Broadway
Overheard by: Nikki W
Thug on cell: Whatchoo mean, it 'wasn't a successful relationship'? I stuck it in her butt 14 times! That's what I call a successful relationship.
--12th St & 4th Ave
Thug teen with sideways ball cap and pants around his knees: It's like she tryin' to be fashionable, but it just ain't workin', yo!
--34th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: knows better than to wear hats sideways
Young thug to friends: She makes me all romantic... Like, I want to fuck her under the stars and shit.
--Grand & Broadway
Overheard by: Ramona
Thug reading High Times: Shit! I did not just miss my stop again!
--6 train
Overheard by: HelloClairice
Wednesday One-Liners in Smell-O-Vision
Hipster girl: I'd rather face the stigma of buying feminine hygiene products than face the stigma of having a stinky hoo-ha.
--13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: agreed
Girl: Remember Diana? Stinky Diana? She's back, and she's getting married.
--West 47th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Peter G
Chick: If I'm going to play beer pong, I need to be fragrant.
--Sammy's, 11th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: McF
Little boy to dad: I don't want to go to Africa! I don't want to smell the camels!
--5th Ave & Park Pl, Park Slope
Voice on intercom: The Children's Section is closed due to... that smell.
--NY Public Library, East 96th St
Overheard by: Diane
Chick: So, did you smell your toilet paper?
--MoMA cafe
Overheard by: Sweettart
Wednesday One-Liners Went to Choate
Snob on cell: Could you do me a huuuge favor? Could you go outside and tell me what series BMW I own?
--69th & Lex
Overheard by: Bitter
Woman to another: I admire her strength so much... I don't know how she did it! She raised three kids all by herself! Of course, she had her husband, but he doesn't count. She still managed to raise three kids without a nanny or housekeeper! Can you imagine?
--Lex, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Chantell
JAP: Do we have a reservation?
--Outside Dean & Deluca, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: The Decline of the West
Fussy rich girl picking up a 710-dollar Prada wallet: This would, like, so be a great trinket for Missy for Christmas.
--Saks, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Kerri.
JAP on cell: I don't think you will like Daniel, but he is worth meeting because he is a billionaire.
--25th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: I'd like Daniel
Wednesday One-Liners Get What's Coming to Them
Girl on cell: It was spanky-wanky like I've never seen.
--72nd St & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Scarfish
Brunette on cell: It doesn't sound that bad... Get a hold of yourself, it's only a little torture.
--Waverly & University
Punk hootchie #1: I mean, why shouldn't we feel pain when we want to?
Punk hootchie #2: [Shrugs.]
Punk hootchie #1: I mean, my mom's on ecstasy all the time, so why shouldn't she try out bondage?
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Loud chick: Objectify me!
--116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Mixmaster Mike
Chick on cell: He likes to go slow and gentle, which is okay, but sometimes I wish he'd just pull my hair and spank me a little.
--11th & Broadway
No Pins, No Pads, No Belts -- Just Wednesday One-Liners
Fratboy to friends: Other than the bleeding, I'd much prefer pussy.
--Peculiar Pub, LaGuardia & Bleecker
Overheard by: Spanky Van Dyke
Wife on cell: Hon, I think I might be pregnant. I'm getting nervous. I mean, my period's not late, but I feel nauseous.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Snozberry
Guy with hot chick: Yeah, it feels fine! Is your tampon comfortable?
--Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Lazy Mr. Wiggles
Loud lady: You know what my son calls my period?
--Q18 bus
Overheard by: Didn't hang around to hear the rest...
Female employee: My boss hates hearing about menstruation. Any time I want to get him off my back I just tell him I'm having my period. He puts his hands up over his ears like he's hearing nails on a blackboard. If he doesn't leave me alone right away, I tell him my napkin is soaked and I have to change it.
--Peter Luger's, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Big Larry
Dude: What I don't get is, how did he get the tampon in his nose in the first place?
--Lower East Side
Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Warmer... Warmer...
Brooklyn guy to buddy: Man, that chick is the hottest chick in the whole world. Well, except one -- Ariel. Ohhh, Ariel. You know, the little mermaid?
--31st St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Will
Guy: Man, if a girl is hot enough that you want get with her, and she's single... You know she's gotta be fucked up in the head.
--C train
Girl on cell: Oh, yeah, he was so hot. I made eye contact with him, like, two times, so I guess we're basically dating now.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Audrey Monaco
Trendy teen: Down Syndrome is so hot right now!
--Tompkins Square Park
Woman on cell: But how hot can a cactus get?
--Bed, Bath & Beyond
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy: You only think she's hot because her family has money.
--26th St & 8th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Done a Bad, Bad Thing
Woman on cell: I don't know if my horoscope is about my husband or my boyfriend.
--19th St & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Jenny
Guy on cell: If I fuck another woman in the ass, that's not, like, really cheating, is it? I mean, it's just her ass. Shit comes out of there. It's less personal than the twat... You don't think so?
--Court St, Boro Hall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Chick on cell: How do I hide a hickey? I'm hiding it from my boyfriend... No, it's not from him... No, not from him either... I'll tell you later, I promise... Yes, I know I have a problem -- it is big and red and on my neck and I do not need lectures right now. I need to figure out if I am 'Creamy Ivory' or 'Tawny Honey'!
--Rite-Aid, 40th St & Broadway
Ghetto girl to boyfriend: It's not cheating -- they're in entertainment.
--63rd & Amsterdam
Old Irish guy: That's why Jesus died for our sins, 'cause he knew we'd be out with other women.
--Midtown Union Bar, 44th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Danny Lynch
Business chick: So, then, I really don't consider it cheating, because it happened before the whole Santa thing.
--49th & Broadway
Overheard by: what the hell is going on??
Guy on phone: Look, I know she was my girlfriend when we were in high school... Yeah, yeah, I know it's been 20 years -- of course people change... Two kids ain't that bad... I know she married, but you don't get it -- she does yoga. Have you ever banged a chick that's done yoga? Look, man, she does the handstand thing... I know I'm going to hell... Or her husband will catch us first. Haha, do you really think anyone is listening to this shit? No. And if they are, who the hell are they going to tell?
--7 train
That Gets Him to Move from Staring to Touching
A guy is ogling two girls.
Girl #1: Oh, no. What do you do when a Jewish guy won't stop staring at you?
Girl #2: The sign of the cross.
--Starbucks, Queens
The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble
Black chick on cell: What? You don't want a picture of me? Huh? I said, 'You don't want a picture of me?' I'll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby's one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin' you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that's my baby baby.
--Coney Island
Muslims and Jews: Why Do We Fight?
Old lady #1: Hmmm, it's sort of weird you don't see a lot of Muslims decorating for Christmas, right?
Old lady #2: Yeah, I think it's because a lot of them don't live in the country.
--6 train
Overheard by: shortstack
The New Title Will Be Vomit Victor
Guy #1: Why is it even called 'Fear Factor'? It has nothing to do with fear... It's just gross.
Guy #2: Yeah, really. It should be called 'Gross-out Factor.'
Guy #1: Think about it. It's not like people are scared of eating... like... intestines. It's just gross. People aren't like, 'Ahhh, intestines!'
Guy #2: Yeah, it's not like I wake up in a cold sweat to intestines...
--R train
It's Made-Up People Doing Real Things
Ghetto chick #1: Hey, Shonondra?
Ghetto chick #2: Yeah?
Ghetto chick #1: Is fiction the troof?
--Subway platform, 14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: jim
You Can Take the Woman out of Georgia, but You Can't Take the Spit out of Your Coffee
Waitress: Hi, sweetie, how are you?! Can I get you some more coffee, sweetie? Sweetie, you look like you've had a rough night, can I get you something else?
Queer looking up at waitress for a silent minute: Darling, I really hope this is your first day, 'cause clearly you are not skilled in the art of serving New Yorkers. I don't know how they do things down South, but here in the city you ask us what we want, you bring it to us, and you walk away. You don't make small talk, you don't ask what's wrong, and you sure as fuck don't call us 'Sweetie.' Get it?
Waitress: Well, screw you! I don't need to sit here and listen to some bratty--
Queer, clapping: --Yes! Just like that! Except next time, instead of 'Screw you,' I'd say 'Fuck you.' Much more effective. Now, may I please have a cup of coffee? Thanks, Georgia.
--Chelsea diner