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January 2007 Archives
Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I'm hungry.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you're drunk.
--University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn't what I should be having for breakfast.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
--Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who's the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
--115th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Fail English? That Unpossible.
Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don't know why for she call you... Just to be talkin' shit... You know how I be is...
--Bed-Stuy
Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I'd be there right now!
--West 7th & Avenue T
Man leaning into friend's car window: Nah, she aight... Nah, she aight... Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight... Nah, she aight...
--150th & Macombs
Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked.
--14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: off white
Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: She wasn't kidding, and no one laughed
Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature...
--Starbucks, Union Square West
Overheard by: Benjamin
Thug: Yo, nigga, don't make me yo' escapegoat!
--4 train, Bronx
Overheard by: charles elliot
Wednesday One-Liners Know Best
Woman on cell: My father is, like, my retarded child.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Rick
Chick on cell: My father's sister moved there. Then my aunt went.
--29th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don't even want to think about it!
--Far Rockaway train
Overheard by: Liz
Little tourist girl: A lot of people are wearing black today, Daddy.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Scarfish
Woman to another: Every time I get pregnant, I always worry, 'Who mah baby daddy?'
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Guy to friends: So, you didn't fondle her dad's belly?
--Columbus Circle
Student on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son.
--NYU Law
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It's just never come up, I guess. So I think, 'Okay, I'm not that young anymore -- I'll take what I can get...' and it was going fine, but then I didn't know you're not supposed to shove it in that fast...
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It's not a dildo, it's a back massager from Duane Reade.
--Christopher & 7th
Girl: I've got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I'm all set!
--Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
--6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
--Victoria's Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I'm tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
--56th & 9th
Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly
Man in Rangers shirt: ... And that's when we realized that she married Satan.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: rosemary's baby
Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.
--E/V station, 53rd & 5th
Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It's not a voluntary love-fest.
--Silver Center, Washington Square
Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase... And I would know, right? No, I'm telling you, he's just confused... He's a kid! And anyway, he's married now... No, he'll be fine.
--Citarella, W 9th St
Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.
--Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Wednesday One-Liners Remember the Little People
Ghetto guy: Yo, I gotta be careful and hurry up and catch this midget before she leave me.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Wonkanobi
Short lady: And I told him, 'I may be an ugly midget, but at least I'm not a Neanderthal.'
--Outside Starbucks, Court & Dean St
Little girl watching midget walk by: Look, Mommy! Mini-Me's wife!
--91st & Broadway
Man to son: ... And that's because New York was founded by midgets.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nina Milnes
The Original Ray's Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: We can eat pizza and watch people's faces get cut off!
--Nassau & Humboldt, Greenpoint
Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It's the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma'am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city. [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.] God, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: d f
Tourist: Oh, Ray's Pizzeria - I've seen that pizzeria before! I think I've been here before!
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Guy: Oh my god, I totally need a hammock made of pizza.
--ACE station, 42nd St
Overheard by: Janet
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience
Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.
--Incoming flight, LaGuardia
Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay -- the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
--JFK
Overheard by: geico lizard
Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we're asking for two volunteers to... Damn, bitch!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: jaybrrd
Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue... This is JetBlue, right?
--JetBlue flight leaving JFK
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there's no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.
--JFK
Overheard by: mrmcd
Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops... Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.
--JFK
Overheard by: babs standigio
Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we're here.
--LaGuardia
Wednesday One-Liners, Your Guides to the Underworld
Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice.
--Manhattan-bound C train
Overheard by: Fish
Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]
--Crowded F train, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jas
Conductor: Go on, now -- walk out the door. Just turn around now... Last stop.
--LIRR
Overheard by: not welcome anymore
Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that -- just stay still for, like, five seconds... God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don't stop doin' things, I'm gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little-- [mic turns off].
--F train, East Broadway
Overheard by: Mike N
Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we're stopping, but I'm not opening the doors!
--njt
Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck.
--6 train
Hemorrhoidal Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.
--Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel
Girl to friends: There's this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it's spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E... His mama named him Asshole!
--Bus, between 77th & 76th
Overheard by: It's a Jersey thing
Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he'll know I'm near.
--Franklin & Broadway
Hobo: It doesn't take a genius to see it. He's a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.
--Times Square
Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes
Man to friend: He's a fuckin' asshole... Even in a wheelchair he's a fuckin' asshole!
--9th St & 2nd Ave
Chick: Oh, he's much better than any other guy I've dated... He's not an asshole, he's not Type A... My only problem with him is that he's not depressed enough.
--Amore's Pizza, 14th St
Overheard by: dues
Wednesday One-Liners' Little Helper
Old crazy guy to little kid: Hey, you want a Vicodin? It's just like your Ritalin, but stronger. No? Okay, then how about a donut?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 66th & 1st
Overheard by: Alec
20-something hipster girl on cell: Prozac! Send me my Prozac!
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: josh
Waiter to bartender: She was taking a lot of Vicodin. You can't drink Hennessy with that.
--Village Restaurant
Overheard by: Al Key Hall
Girl, after friend gives her a gift: Awww, you're the sweetest friend ever! You almost made me cry, except that I can't cry -- I'm on Effexor! Awww!
--Crepe place, St. Mark's
Girl on cell: It's gross! It's sick! I'm not asking anyone for Viagra for my dad! It's sick!
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
30-ish blonde screaming into cell: Doctor, I'm so glad you called back. No, the girl here won't give me my pills! She says my insurance won't pay for any more... Okay, so maybe I lost track of how many Vicodin I've been eating -- I've been busy! Whatever!
--Drug store, Battery Park
Overheard by: embarassed for her
Man on cell: I love Ambien more than I love my wardrobe. Good-bye.
--Angelika Theater
Overheard by: Nora
An Unindicted Coconspirator
Student #1: Mister, what are some jobs I could look into if I got a Math major?
Teacher: Oh, there's lots of options! You could be an engineer... an accountant...
Student #2: ... A wizard...
--Stuyvesant High School
And I'm a Cute Little Fixer-Upper
Yuppie #1: Dude, my new girlfriend is really hot.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, but what's her personality like?
Yuppie #1: Well, she's an interior decorator...
Yuppie #2: Oh.
--4 train
Overheard by: Steve
It's Tentatively Titled Bride of Cluckie
Drunk Irish man: So, your screenplay is about a paralyzed chicken?
Blonde tween: No, it's about a boy who makes his whole family paralyzed, including his chicken.
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Soiled Eve
The Country Wakes Up with a Sore Ass and a Bad Taste in Its Mouth
Girl: Isn't Rumsfeld gay? I mean, isn't he, like, a known closet queen?
Queer: I don't... Is he? Is my 'dar off?
Girl: I think so.
Queer: No, I don't. I can't imagine any gay man would be self-hating enough to fuck Donald Rumsfeld.
Girl: Oh, please. Gay men have been self-hating enough to kill other gay men.
Queer: Yeah, but killing someone and fucking Rumsfeld are two very different things.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: I'd rather kill someone
It's a Nice Haircut, Too
Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don't call her that -- 'pretty' is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don't take it out on me, but at Dave's birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: ... I'm gonna kill Dave. Why didn't you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What's her phone number? I've got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.
--D train
Goat-Eating Doesn't Even Raise Eyebrows Anymore
Queer #1: He wasn't that bad!
Queer #2: Honey, he was a T-R-O-double-L troll, okay?! An under the bridge-living, billy goat-eating mon-stuh!
Queer #1: Hahahahaha!
Queer #3: That was pretty harsh.
Queer #2: You're new here. I can tell.
--Outside Splash Bar, 17th St
Usually Found in a Bush
Boy: Mommy, what's a vah-jay-jay?
Mom: A bird, sweetie! A wonderful bird.
--Wall St
Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own
NYC woman: We're here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are -- this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown...
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!
--Canal St
Overheard by: The Wizard
Bulimia Gets a 'Neutral' This Week
Queer #1: Skinny is out. Fat is in.
Queer #2: Skinny is never out. Anorexic... is out.
--TJ Maxx, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ferris
And It Was a Tragedy
Comedy promoter guy: Gentlemen, are you interested in seeing some comedy?
Guy: I've already seen your shitty show!
--78th & Broadway
Or at Least Give You a Series of Ineffective Time-Outs
Kid yelling: What are we doing after dinner? [Parents ignore him] What are we doing after dinner?!
Mom, calmly: Stop yelling, or I'll have to kill you.
--10th St, between Broadway & University
Overheard by: Calling the Morgue
The Ultimate Anarchist Heads to Work
AM New York hawker: Have a fantastic morning!
Embittered commuter: Stay away from me!
--7th Ave, E/B/D station
Overheard by: Jatmos
Consider Making Your Greeting Less Specific
Homeless guy sleeping in cart wakes up at eight a.m.: Good noon! ... Is it noon yet?
Passerby: Not yet, but you're very close.
--West 4th St
Amelie Finally Decided to Feel Flattered
Handsome thug: Damn, girl, you catch a nigga lookin' like that.
Confused white hipster girl: Um, thanks?
--Fulton St, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Bed-Stuy Do or Die
Well, I Might As Well Go for It Now
College kid #1: So, dude, are you going to do it?
College kid #2: No! I am not going to have sex with my sister! [People waiting in line turn around to look] Awww, fuck.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: B-rett
Like the '60s, but Not So Fake
Teen latina #1: ... And I asked this boy's name and he was like, 'Renaissance.' And I was like, 'Is that the name your mama gave you?' And he was like, 'Yeah, Renaissance.'
Teen latina #2: What's his name?
Teen latina #1: Renaissance. You know, like... Renaissance. Like... Renaissance. Ren-aissance. Like, when there used to be princesses and shit. Like, they'd dress all... You know, the Renaissance.
--1 train, 103rd St
Overheard by: EthanK
M.E.: I'd Say She's Been Dead All Weekend
Guy #1: Dude, are you going to that party this weekend?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend has been sick all week. She was, like, throwing up and coughing up a lung yesterday. I told her, 'You better not get me fucking sick. I am not missing this party. I will seriously kick your ass if you get me sick.'
Guy #1: What did she say?
Guy #2: I don't know. She fell asleep or something.
--Lincoln Center
Like the Time I Made Out with a Hungry Kirstie Alley
Hipster girl #1: Are those ginger Altoids? I've never had those before.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, they're my favorite. Would you like one?
Hipster girl #1: Okay. [A few minutes later] These are really strong! They kind of burn.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah! I love them because it's like my tongue is being mauled by a bear! Rawr!
Hipster girl #1: Rawr!
--D train
Do You See Any Use of the Palette Knife?
Six-year-old boy: Look, Daddy -- another Picasso!
Father: No, it isn't. You know better than that.
--Modern Wing, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Jim W.
How She Keeps Him to Herself
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #2: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #3: [Nods.]
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #4: [Shakes head.]
Black lady #1: You don't wanna know that mothafuckah -- that is one nasty-ass nigga.
--Flatbush Ave-bound 4 train
Have You Thought about Giving Up Catholicism?
High schooler #1: I want to give up something for Lent, but I'm not sure what.
High schooler #2: Why don't you give up TV?
High schooler #1: What?! Are you crazy? I would just die! Especially in the winter months -- my face would just melt off.
--BX10 bus, Bronx
Overheard by: Princessbeena
I Just Like Getting On My Knees Five Times A Day
Hairdresser #1: So, you're a practicing Muslim?
Hairdresser #2: Yep.
Hairdresser #1: So, do Muslims pray to God, or Mohammed, or both?
Hairdresser #2: I don't really get into the details.
--East 19th St & Ave R, Brooklyn
Overheard by: brooklyn blonde
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "I pray to Allah Updo and Crewcut Christ" - katcob
· "I'm just into the hating Jews part." - DaveO
· "I'm more about the accessories" - Ty
· "Islam is in-er than Thai ladyboys this season." - eyp
· "Neither does the President." - Becca
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Now Don't We Wish They Hadn't?
Teen #1: It's one word!
Teen #2: No it ain't, it's two!
Teen #1: No, it's one word!
Teen #2: Two!
Teen #1: One!
Teen #2: 'MySpace' is two words!
Teen #1: No it ain't -- it's 'MySpace' -- it's a compount word. They made it up!
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: JHA
Hell Is This Other Person
Blonde: I hate waiting for people! It's so boring!
Brunette: Well, what do you think I was doing for the past 40 minutes?
Blonde: Oh, wow! Sitting outside?!
--Outside I.S. 34, Staten Island
Okay, Like Some Horrible Hybrid
Chick #1: Jessica, I'm not kidding, he looked like a beaver!
Chick #2: Christine, that's vulgar!
Chick #1: No, but seriously -- like a chipmunk!
Chick #2: But why wouldn't you say 'chipmunk' instead?
Chick #1: Because he seriously looked like a real beaver!
--77th & Madison
This Girl on the Titanic: Yeah, He Said the Ship Hit an Iceberg. So Anyway...
Crazy guy gasps: Help! [No one moves.] I said, 'Help'!
Chick on cell: He said, 'Help.'
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Nicole
And, by the Way, You Have No Idea How Loud I Can Be
Chick #1: So, what are we doing tonight?
Chick #2: I don't know... Wanna go down on me?
Chick #1: Jesus Christ, Chelsea, can you be a little louder?
Chick #2: So, is that a 'No'?
--Central Park
Overheard by: emily
Just Lips and Hooves, Honey
10-year-old girl: Mom! My hotdog has chunks of fat in it!
Mom: What are you talking about? There ain't no fat in a hotdog!
--Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: clancy
It's Important to Have Witnesses
Dude #1: Yo, I really gotta stop whackin' off.
Dude #2: Nah, chill. I do it all the time, man.
Dude #1: Like, at home?
Dude #2: Nah, in the school bathroom.
--Union Square
Now's Probably Good
Prep #1: They made a list of the most important people ever, and you know who they named number one? Johannes Gutenberg!
Prep #2: Who's that, again?
Prep #1: The printing press guy! I mean, I know he's important, but he's not that big of a deal.
Prep #2: Don't they not even know when he was born?
Prep #1: Well, no. I mean, they know within a year or two.
Prep #2: If they can't even figure out when exactly you were born, you can't be that important.
Prep #1: Yeah, and you know who was number two? Isaac Newton! What did he really do other than give something for my math teacher to talk about? My math teacher sweated Newton hardcore. It was all 'Newton, Newton, Newton.'
Prep #2: You would think that if they were going to rank the most important people of all time, they would research it a little better and include the really important people.
Prep #1: And if it's of all time, wouldn't it make more sense for them to wait until right before the end of time?
--Metro North train entering Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer