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February 2007 Archives
Wednesday One-Liners Are Itching and Flaking
Pink-haired woman: Have you noticed how all the celebs are totally dying their hair? It just looks so damn fake! I just want to walk up to them and say, 'Your hair looks like a chem lab exploded on it!' And then I would, like, get an autograph.
--Broadway
Hobo: Look, this ain't my hair! I am part of the Homeland Security, and the alert color today is orange for 'High alert.' Now, how can you be both high and alert? That's why this country is so fucked up! Have a nice day!
--L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: pchace
Ghetto woman: Now, where did my son get to? I'm done payin' and he still runnin' around... I gotta go fix my hair -- it looks like I just killed someone.
--Grocery store
Old man: I don't like ugly, fucking-hairy women. I just don't -- it's a matter of taste! Good grooming -- it's the key to success, baby! Ugly, hairy women... They're everywhere!
--Connecticut Muffin, Prospect Park stop, F train
Overheard by: Sarah McLellan
Guy: Keep the money coming, people! I got three kids at home, and they all want Timberlands! I accept baby food, hair weaves... I even take weed, if you got it!
--2 train
Overheard by: jil
Guy on cell: If you want a shitty haircut, you come to me!
--Smith & 9th St station
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Non-Consensual Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: Hell yeah, I'll go rape Eminem!
--33rd St, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Drunk girl: If you rape me with that stuffed animal again, I'm gonna hurt you!
--6 train
NYU Student: It is hard to rape a tree.
--715 Broadway
Hobo: You cannot rape women! It is illegal!
--12th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: sober eavesdropper
Woman: Why do you always have to start with gang rape?
--82nd St & West End
Overheard by: Mosteen.
Girl: Did you read the New York Times? The elephants are, like, raping the rhinoceros!
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Genevieve
Wednesday One-Liners Now Get Rollover Minutes
Chick: So, my friend called me yesterday and said, 'I called you because I had diarrhea and it made me think of you.'
--Starbucks, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fudd
Frustrated man: You call me back and I'll tell you where the food is!
--23rd & 6th
Girl on cell with ex-boyfriend: Wait a second, I don't get good service here. Let me go outside so I can yell at you.
--Loehmann's, 16th & 7th
Yuppie dressed as hipster: Hey. Oh, sorry I didn't call... So, yeah, I was in a kidnapping today...
--Bleecker
Bus driver over intercom: And to your right you will see a sleazy motel. If you notice any cars that look familar please give a quick call home.
--Q46 bus
Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory
Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!
--4th & MacDougal
Construction worker to another: Come here, I'll buy you some food 'cause you're my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They've got Puerto Rican food here.
--Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.
--M31 bus, between Madison & Lex
Dude: Nawww, don't go to Puerto Rico. It's just like New Jersey!
--Outside Caliente Cab Co.
Wednesday One-Liners Have to Go
Lady on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not totally demean her.
--Grand Central
Well-dressed woman holding a McDonald's cup that her son, pants still around his ankles, pissed into: Nice job, honey.
--14th & 6th
Girl in back row: I really like the new LIRR trains. I never pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once... Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one... Yeah, I did.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Wishing my Physics Final Started 5 min's ago
Pissing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ahhh, yeah.
--Barnes & Noble restroom, 82nd St
Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in Foster Care
Security guard to another: ... So if you really want to take a gamble you buy a baby.
--Lobby, Psych building, NYU
Woman on cell: ... And then he said he gonna kick mah baby 'cross the street!
--Union Square
Overheard by: what??
Guy on skates to chick: ... And these people, they eat their babies...
--West Village
Overheard by: Joe is So Friggin Amazing
Chick on cell: So, she trusted this woman to watch over her baby, right? And then she takes the baby to the zoo for a photo shoot and comes back with the wrong baby!
--Grocery store, 8th St & Ave C
Man on phone: So, what? You don't want me to be in the baby's life anymore? ... Well, you know what? I did your sister! [Hangs up angrily.]
--Starbucks, 66th & 3rd
Lady: So I said to my sistah, 'I ain't goin' to spend my weed money on your baby's diapers!'
--Fulton Mall
Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners
Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets... Watch for pickpockets.
--B44 bus
Overheard by: Katia
Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We'll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.
--Port Authority bus terminal
Bus driver: Happy New Year's everyone. This is the New Year's bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin' as well. Let's get this bus movin'.
--101 bus, 68th & 3rd
Overheard by: Sashanyc
Bus driver who wouldn't let anyone pay to get on, claiming she'd won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y'all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. -- meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won't mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.
--M79 bus, 79th & 5th
Overheard by: mar
Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.
--86th St crosstown bus
Overheard by: Hannah Rose
Wednesday One-Liners: 'That's What She Said'
Biology professor to students: Now that you've got the basic structure, I'm going to bone you for a while.
--NYU
Overheard by: i'm in the hard class
Conductor: Okay, folks, we're actually running ahead of schedule. We'll be stopping for approximately 40 minutes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your-- stretch your legs...
--Amtrak train into Penn
Overheard by: KT
Woman on cell: It's from the car accident. I can't really move my head, and he woke up stiff this morning, and that never happens.
--5 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Woman: Maggie has stopped eating. She's just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.
--Union Square market
Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a second, I'm gonna three-way Dad... Oh, wow, weird.
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Mike
Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a favor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!
--PATH
Overheard by: Ferocious Russian
Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand
Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can't do it. Fuck you!
--Houston & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing
Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!
--Outside Sak's
Overheard by: also jaywalking
Guy on cell: ... So it's fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black... Shit, good point! Blacks! ... Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking -- that's a perfect storm of trouble! ... I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high...
--Broadway & Bleecker
Two guys cross street on 'Don't walk' signal as car is coming.
Traffic cop: Hit 'em! Hit 'em!
--35th & 5th
Overheard by: mike
Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What's the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can't they see the 'No crossing' sign? Where do they think they're going?
--Times Square
Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don't cross! Here comes the big red hand!
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Micaela
Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers
Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I'm sure we can make a deal.
--60th & Central Park South
Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?
--Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: tj
Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we're trying to merge...
--Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel
Overheard by: Angela
Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to 'Oye Como Va,' then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's what you get for not having a car.
--L train to Williamsburg
Overheard by: Subway Goer
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Passion for Fashion
Man on cell: I had a great time last night... Yeah, I got home really late, too. I lost my scarf, but I gained a boa... [Louder] A boa... [Louder still] A boa... Black.
--Q train over Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: Tyler
Crazy hipster: I always suspected them of wearing coats!
--L train
Overheard by: brian Sabowski
Chick: You know, if you lift your skirt up and the guy still doesn't respond, maybe you should give up the ghost.
--Marquee, 26th & 10th
Dude: You know, it's probably because the aluminum foil in your fedora is melting.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: i work with this
Girl: I was, like, covered in beer. I didn't even know where my skirt was.
--6th St & 2nd Ave
Dude on cell: ... But when you're sick, you don't wear pants.
--Red Cat, 10th Ave
Tourist girl, excited: I just bought this 100 percent cashmere scarf for five bucks! I just gotta find out what kinda fabric it's made out of.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Jen & Paul
Wednesday One-Liners for Steve Guttenberg
Tall, broad cop speaking loudly and very slowly to disabled man: Now, if you took that cane and swung it and aimed it, and you hit that guy in the head, that was not an accident.
--Ramp to pedestrian lane of Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Audrey
Traffic cop with megaphone: I never drove one of these things before!
--34th & Broadway
Guy: So, they found him sleeping in the dumpster again so they reported it to his commanding officer. And he's like, 'Why is is this officer sleeping in a dumpster when he's supposed to be out on patrol?'
--N train
Overheard by: sara n.
Perky queer: ... So then I played a cop! And I beat a guy up!
--76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Double-Paned Insulated, Baby!
Man #1: I don't know, do they have windows in Alaska?
Man #2: You mean like Microsoft Windows?
Man #1: No, I mean like windows.
--N platform, Union Square
Bacon Is What?
Girl: But it's a vegan restaurant. They don't serve hamburgers.
Guy: So I'll just get a BLT.
--W 23rd St
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
The Capable Individuals Who Tabulate the US Census
Spanish guy: She's half Spanish.
Black woman: No, she's black.
Spanish guy: No, she's half Spanish.
Black woman: She ain't no half Spanish. Her name is Juanita. That don't sound Spanish to me.
--Holiday Inn, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: CGS
It Was Like Something in Me Just Snapped
Hot 20-something redhead: So that's why you barely said hello when I got back from Mexico?!
Hot 20-something blonde: Uh-huh.
Hot 20-something redhead: You were in a bad mood because your vibrator broke?!
--West Village
I Use Them to Fend Off the Unwanted Attentions of Strangers
Man reading book: Oh, what stop is this?
Man exiting train: 96th Street. By the way, you really do have the most beautiful hands and fingers I've ever seen.
Man reading book: Oh, thanks.
--96th St station
In Every Job That Must Be Done There Is an Element of Fun
Guy #1 flipping through showbill: So, what else has Mary Poppins done?
Girl #1: Greg*.
Guy #1: What?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah -- you know Greg from work? Apparently he did the chick playing Mary Poppins back when they were both living in LA. He lost his virginity to her, in fact.
Girl #2: Wait, wait -- you know a dude who cashed in his V card with Mary Poppins? Oh my god, that is just all sorts of awesome!
--Intermission of Mary Poppins
Since the Dutch, Really
Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: Elise C-K
And Here's Me Just Using Mine for Sex and Pissing Like a Sucker!
NYU bimbette #1: I found out he's uncircumcised.
NYU bimbette #2: I know. I can tell from the way he talks.
--NYU dorm lobby
Overheard by: ashamed
They Call Her Jumping Jack Flush
Teen chick: Man, I take the quickest shits ever. Sometimes I wish I could stay on the bowl for hours, you know? Really enjoy my shit.
Friend: You're fucked.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lindsey
That and the Phosphorus Grenade
Girl #1: Well, he only went out drinking that one time.
Girl #2: Yeah, and he got into a fight!
Girl #1: No, not really, he just knocked this guy out. That was it.
--Subway entrance, 14th St & 6th Ave
Why Don't We Have the Death Penalty, Again?
Wife to hubby on cell during film: Will you please get off the phone?
Hubby: Why don't you shut the fuck up and watch the movie?
--Loews Theatre, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Cloodle
10 Bucks on the Guy from Bed-Stuy
Black chick #1: I'ma see one of my boyfriends today.
Black chick #2: You got more than one?
Black chick #1: Hells yeah. One live in Bed-Stuy, the other live in Canarsie.
Black chick #2: That's gangsta.
--Locker room, John Dewey High School, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Just trying to get dressed
Whosoever Can Pull This Dildo from This Ass...
Chick: Oh my god, I feel so sore. Next time can you not use the bigger dildo?
Dude: I can try, but I can't give you any guarantees.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Amo
So Your Teacher Should Be Able to Find You Some Asian Lab Partners
Asian kid #1: In my classes the teacher is always pairing me up with the other minorities. Just because I'm Asian doesn't mean I speak all those languages, too.
Asian kid #2: I could close my eyes walking down the street and count to five and when I open them see at least one other Asian. We're everywhere.
--LIRR
Winning Through Intimidation Opened Her Heart to God's Love
Teen girl #1: So, what book are you looking for?
Teen girl #2: Well, whenever I get stoned I get paranoid that I'm getting dumber, so last time I got high I came here and read a giant stack of philosophy books, and I really liked one of them.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: It's not paranoia...
I Have Not Had My Coffee Yet
Little old man: Hello, sir, you look like a millionaire!
Young thug: I'll stab you in your fucking eyeball...
--McDonald's, 34th St
Overheard by: kathy iandoli
You Need to Work on Your Technique
Jewish guy: Fat Jewish girls love Tasti D-Lite.
Jewish girl: So do Jewish guys.
Jewish guy: That's because I'm trying to find a wife.
--3rd St & 92nd Ave
You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
Teen girl: So, do you love me or what?
Teen guy: Fuck you, fine. I guess I do love you... But I love my girlfriend, too.
Teen girl: What?!
Teen guy: Yeah, but for some reason I love your dumb ass more.
Teen girl: [Swoons.]
--1 train
Presenting 2007's Least-Reassuring Reassurance
Hobo: Yo, can I get a cigarette? [Girl hands him one.] Can I get a light? Don't worry, I'm not going to mug you -- it's too cold for that shit.
--90th & 1st
When They Put Up a Barn, It Stays Up
Old black guy #1: You know who really has their shit together?
Old black guy #2: Who?
Old black guy #1: The Amish.
Old black guy #2: For sure.
--F train
'Til Your Third Stabbing Do Us Part
Female associate: ... See, that's his problem. He be startin' shit with niggas when he know he ain't armed!
Male associate: He gon' get stabbed again.
Female associate: He get stabbed again, I'ma be like, 'See ya!' You can't talk shit you ain't got no gun!
--Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Manhattan
'Cause My Body So Breadilicious
Homeless man: You need to pray to Jesus everyday. Do you thank Jesus for your food or your family or the newspaper? The devil is killing you through newspapers and the media. Are you thankful to Jesus? He loves you if you talk to him everyday.
Queer: I would be thankful to Jesus if you would stop shouting in my ear so I can listen to Beyonce's newest album.
--N train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Headline by: kempadimes
Runners-Up:
· "Is my Savior too bootylicious?" - Mdaneman
· "Jesulicious" - Mark Schilsky
· "Jesus loves me, this I know. A fucking hobo tells me so." - Extra Character
· "Jesus saves souls, not careers" - Megan
· "Some messiahs are so high-maintenance" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But Too Lazy to Do Anything about It
Dude #1: I wonder why we're here.
Dude #2: I tried to figure it out once...
Dude #1: And what did you find?
Dude #2: I found out that I'm probably gay.
--Wall St
And the Number One Reason New Yorkers Move to the Suburbs...
Dude: This weather! It's a beautiful fucking night, isn't it?
Chick: I know! It's fucking amazing, it's just so fucking sweet!
Dude: Yeah, it is fucking nice out, I wish I could take a piss -- you know, somewhere outside -- and not get arrested!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
'Hi, I'm Probably Having Sex -- Leave Me a Message.'
Girl #1: She isn't picking up her phone.
Girl #2: Oh, she's probably having sex.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah, you're probably right.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Trapped in Laguna
Someone Needs to Tell Bruce Willis That's because He's Dead
Drunk dude #1: I have a great job.
Drunk dude #2: Yeah, but I get a lot of vacation time.
Drunk dude #1: Oh, yeah? Remember those two days I took off last week? Those were free days because they didn't even notice I wasn't there!
--2 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
When Upper East Side Entitlement Attacks! : Next Week on Fox-TV
Customer: What time does the live entertainment begin?
Waiter: Around 11 p.m.
Customer: Can you call and ask them to start early? It's eight p.m., and I'm here now.
--Rafina Taverna, 78th & York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Making Up a Whole Country -- I Admire That
Black man: So, where you from?
Hot chick: Portugal.
Black man: Shiiit! I've never heard that one before.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Maria
I Mean Like Really Boring Sex
Girl #1: You know what I like? Sleep sex.
Girl #2: Sleep sex? What's that?
Girl #1: You know... Like, when you're asleep, and you wake up, and you're having sex.
Girl #2: You mean like rape?
--NYU Library
Overheard by: Kent by Day
Mostly I Just Massage Her Feet
Queer #1: It is so difficult for me to explain... like, it really hurts to be treated that way, and sometimes I just need to stop and focus on the pain and learn why it bothers me so much.
Queer #2: Why don't you talk to your therapist about it?
Queer #1: She won't let me talk about that stuff.
--1 train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
But You Can Leave Your Cute Little Dog Here
Tourist to no one in particular: Which way is the gay area?
Queer in black leather gear: You're here.
Tourist: Where are the gay stores?
Queer in black leather gear: All around here.
Tourist: Where are the gay people?
Tourist friend: I think they go out more in the night time, right?
Queer in black leather gear: Go back to Kansas.
--16th & 8th
Overheard by: amalia
Or at Least Get My iPod While You're Down There
A man jumps onto the subway tracks to retrieve an item for his female companion.
Black teen chick #1: What is that guy doing?
Black teen chick #2: Is that a black man?! It figures that's a black man! You gotta set a better example for our people!
--Borough Hall