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February 2007 Archives
Wednesday One-Liners Are Itching and Flaking
Pink-haired woman: Have you noticed how all the celebs are totally dying their hair? It just looks so damn fake! I just want to walk up to them and say, 'Your hair looks like a chem lab exploded on it!' And then I would, like, get an autograph.
--Broadway
Hobo: Look, this ain't my hair! I am part of the Homeland Security, and the alert color today is orange for 'High alert.' Now, how can you be both high and alert? That's why this country is so fucked up! Have a nice day!
--L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: pchace
Ghetto woman: Now, where did my son get to? I'm done payin' and he still runnin' around... I gotta go fix my hair -- it looks like I just killed someone.
--Grocery store
Old man: I don't like ugly, fucking-hairy women. I just don't -- it's a matter of taste! Good grooming -- it's the key to success, baby! Ugly, hairy women... They're everywhere!
--Connecticut Muffin, Prospect Park stop, F train
Overheard by: Sarah McLellan
Guy: Keep the money coming, people! I got three kids at home, and they all want Timberlands! I accept baby food, hair weaves... I even take weed, if you got it!
--2 train
Overheard by: jil
Guy on cell: If you want a shitty haircut, you come to me!
--Smith & 9th St station
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Non-Consensual Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: Hell yeah, I'll go rape Eminem!
--33rd St, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine
Drunk girl: If you rape me with that stuffed animal again, I'm gonna hurt you!
--6 train
NYU Student: It is hard to rape a tree.
--715 Broadway
Hobo: You cannot rape women! It is illegal!
--12th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: sober eavesdropper
Woman: Why do you always have to start with gang rape?
--82nd St & West End
Overheard by: Mosteen.
Girl: Did you read the New York Times? The elephants are, like, raping the rhinoceros!
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Genevieve
Wednesday One-Liners Now Get Rollover Minutes
Chick: So, my friend called me yesterday and said, 'I called you because I had diarrhea and it made me think of you.'
--Starbucks, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fudd
Frustrated man: You call me back and I'll tell you where the food is!
--23rd & 6th
Girl on cell with ex-boyfriend: Wait a second, I don't get good service here. Let me go outside so I can yell at you.
--Loehmann's, 16th & 7th
Yuppie dressed as hipster: Hey. Oh, sorry I didn't call... So, yeah, I was in a kidnapping today...
--Bleecker
Bus driver over intercom: And to your right you will see a sleazy motel. If you notice any cars that look familar please give a quick call home.
--Q46 bus
Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory
Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!
--4th & MacDougal
Construction worker to another: Come here, I'll buy you some food 'cause you're my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They've got Puerto Rican food here.
--Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.
--M31 bus, between Madison & Lex
Dude: Nawww, don't go to Puerto Rico. It's just like New Jersey!
--Outside Caliente Cab Co.
Wednesday One-Liners Have to Go
Lady on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not totally demean her.
--Grand Central
Well-dressed woman holding a McDonald's cup that her son, pants still around his ankles, pissed into: Nice job, honey.
--14th & 6th
Girl in back row: I really like the new LIRR trains. I never pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once... Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one... Yeah, I did.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Wishing my Physics Final Started 5 min's ago
Pissing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ahhh, yeah.
--Barnes & Noble restroom, 82nd St
Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in Foster Care
Security guard to another: ... So if you really want to take a gamble you buy a baby.
--Lobby, Psych building, NYU
Woman on cell: ... And then he said he gonna kick mah baby 'cross the street!
--Union Square
Overheard by: what??
Guy on skates to chick: ... And these people, they eat their babies...
--West Village
Overheard by: Joe is So Friggin Amazing
Chick on cell: So, she trusted this woman to watch over her baby, right? And then she takes the baby to the zoo for a photo shoot and comes back with the wrong baby!
--Grocery store, 8th St & Ave C
Man on phone: So, what? You don't want me to be in the baby's life anymore? ... Well, you know what? I did your sister! [Hangs up angrily.]
--Starbucks, 66th & 3rd
Lady: So I said to my sistah, 'I ain't goin' to spend my weed money on your baby's diapers!'
--Fulton Mall
Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners
Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets... Watch for pickpockets.
--B44 bus
Overheard by: Katia
Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We'll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.
--Port Authority bus terminal
Bus driver: Happy New Year's everyone. This is the New Year's bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin' as well. Let's get this bus movin'.
--101 bus, 68th & 3rd
Overheard by: Sashanyc
Bus driver who wouldn't let anyone pay to get on, claiming she'd won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y'all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. -- meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won't mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.
--M79 bus, 79th & 5th
Overheard by: mar
Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.
--86th St crosstown bus
Overheard by: Hannah Rose
Wednesday One-Liners: 'That's What She Said'
Biology professor to students: Now that you've got the basic structure, I'm going to bone you for a while.
--NYU
Overheard by: i'm in the hard class
Conductor: Okay, folks, we're actually running ahead of schedule. We'll be stopping for approximately 40 minutes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your-- stretch your legs...
--Amtrak train into Penn
Overheard by: KT
Woman on cell: It's from the car accident. I can't really move my head, and he woke up stiff this morning, and that never happens.
--5 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Woman: Maggie has stopped eating. She's just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.
--Union Square market
Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a second, I'm gonna three-way Dad... Oh, wow, weird.
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Mike
Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a favor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!
--PATH
Overheard by: Ferocious Russian
Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand
Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can't do it. Fuck you!
--Houston & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing
Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!
--Outside Sak's
Overheard by: also jaywalking
Guy on cell: ... So it's fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black... Shit, good point! Blacks! ... Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking -- that's a perfect storm of trouble! ... I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high...
--Broadway & Bleecker
Two guys cross street on 'Don't walk' signal as car is coming.
Traffic cop: Hit 'em! Hit 'em!
--35th & 5th
Overheard by: mike
Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What's the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can't they see the 'No crossing' sign? Where do they think they're going?
--Times Square
Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don't cross! Here comes the big red hand!
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Micaela
Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers
Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I'm sure we can make a deal.
--60th & Central Park South
Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?
--Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: tj
Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we're trying to merge...
--Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel
Overheard by: Angela
Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to 'Oye Como Va,' then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's what you get for not having a car.
--L train to Williamsburg
Overheard by: Subway Goer
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Passion for Fashion
Man on cell: I had a great time last night... Yeah, I got home really late, too. I lost my scarf, but I gained a boa... [Louder] A boa... [Louder still] A boa... Black.
--Q train over Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: Tyler
Crazy hipster: I always suspected them of wearing coats!
--L train
Overheard by: brian Sabowski
Chick: You know, if you lift your skirt up and the guy still doesn't respond, maybe you should give up the ghost.
--Marquee, 26th & 10th
Dude: You know, it's probably because the aluminum foil in your fedora is melting.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: i work with this
Girl: I was, like, covered in beer. I didn't even know where my skirt was.
--6th St & 2nd Ave
Dude on cell: ... But when you're sick, you don't wear pants.
--Red Cat, 10th Ave
Tourist girl, excited: I just bought this 100 percent cashmere scarf for five bucks! I just gotta find out what kinda fabric it's made out of.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Jen & Paul
Wednesday One-Liners for Steve Guttenberg
Tall, broad cop speaking loudly and very slowly to disabled man: Now, if you took that cane and swung it and aimed it, and you hit that guy in the head, that was not an accident.
--Ramp to pedestrian lane of Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Audrey
Traffic cop with megaphone: I never drove one of these things before!
--34th & Broadway
Guy: So, they found him sleeping in the dumpster again so they reported it to his commanding officer. And he's like, 'Why is is this officer sleeping in a dumpster when he's supposed to be out on patrol?'
--N train
Overheard by: sara n.
Perky queer: ... So then I played a cop! And I beat a guy up!
--76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Double-Paned Insulated, Baby!
Man #1: I don't know, do they have windows in Alaska?
Man #2: You mean like Microsoft Windows?
Man #1: No, I mean like windows.
--N platform, Union Square
Bacon Is What?
Girl: But it's a vegan restaurant. They don't serve hamburgers.
Guy: So I'll just get a BLT.
--W 23rd St
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
The Capable Individuals Who Tabulate the US Census
Spanish guy: She's half Spanish.
Black woman: No, she's black.
Spanish guy: No, she's half Spanish.
Black woman: She ain't no half Spanish. Her name is Juanita. That don't sound Spanish to me.
--Holiday Inn, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: CGS
It Was Like Something in Me Just Snapped
Hot 20-something redhead: So that's why you barely said hello when I got back from Mexico?!
Hot 20-something blonde: Uh-huh.
Hot 20-something redhead: You were in a bad mood because your vibrator broke?!
--West Village
I Use Them to Fend Off the Unwanted Attentions of Strangers
Man reading book: Oh, what stop is this?
Man exiting train: 96th Street. By the way, you really do have the most beautiful hands and fingers I've ever seen.
Man reading book: Oh, thanks.
--96th St station
In Every Job That Must Be Done There Is an Element of Fun
Guy #1 flipping through showbill: So, what else has Mary Poppins done?
Girl #1: Greg*.
Guy #1: What?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah -- you know Greg from work? Apparently he did the chick playing Mary Poppins back when they were both living in LA. He lost his virginity to her, in fact.
Girl #2: Wait, wait -- you know a dude who cashed in his V card with Mary Poppins? Oh my god, that is just all sorts of awesome!
--Intermission of Mary Poppins
Since the Dutch, Really
Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: Elise C-K
And Here's Me Just Using Mine for Sex and Pissing Like a Sucker!
NYU bimbette #1: I found out he's uncircumcised.
NYU bimbette #2: I know. I can tell from the way he talks.
--NYU dorm lobby
Overheard by: ashamed
They Call Her Jumping Jack Flush
Teen chick: Man, I take the quickest shits ever. Sometimes I wish I could stay on the bowl for hours, you know? Really enjoy my shit.
Friend: You're fucked.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Lindsey
That and the Phosphorus Grenade
Girl #1: Well, he only went out drinking that one time.
Girl #2: Yeah, and he got into a fight!
Girl #1: No, not really, he just knocked this guy out. That was it.
--Subway entrance, 14th St & 6th Ave
Why Don't We Have the Death Penalty, Again?
Wife to hubby on cell during film: Will you please get off the phone?
Hubby: Why don't you shut the fuck up and watch the movie?
--Loews Theatre, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Cloodle
10 Bucks on the Guy from Bed-Stuy
Black chick #1: I'ma see one of my boyfriends today.
Black chick #2: You got more than one?
Black chick #1: Hells yeah. One live in Bed-Stuy, the other live in Canarsie.
Black chick #2: That's gangsta.
--Locker room, John Dewey High School, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Just trying to get dressed
Whosoever Can Pull This Dildo from This Ass...
Chick: Oh my god, I feel so sore. Next time can you not use the bigger dildo?
Dude: I can try, but I can't give you any guarantees.
--68th & Lex
Overheard by: Amo
So Your Teacher Should Be Able to Find You Some Asian Lab Partners
Asian kid #1: In my classes the teacher is always pairing me up with the other minorities. Just because I'm Asian doesn't mean I speak all those languages, too.
Asian kid #2: I could close my eyes walking down the street and count to five and when I open them see at least one other Asian. We're everywhere.
--LIRR
Winning Through Intimidation Opened Her Heart to God's Love
Teen girl #1: So, what book are you looking for?
Teen girl #2: Well, whenever I get stoned I get paranoid that I'm getting dumber, so last time I got high I came here and read a giant stack of philosophy books, and I really liked one of them.
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: It's not paranoia...
I Have Not Had My Coffee Yet
Little old man: Hello, sir, you look like a millionaire!
Young thug: I'll stab you in your fucking eyeball...
--McDonald's, 34th St
Overheard by: kathy iandoli
You Need to Work on Your Technique
Jewish guy: Fat Jewish girls love Tasti D-Lite.
Jewish girl: So do Jewish guys.
Jewish guy: That's because I'm trying to find a wife.
--3rd St & 92nd Ave
You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
Teen girl: So, do you love me or what?
Teen guy: Fuck you, fine. I guess I do love you... But I love my girlfriend, too.
Teen girl: What?!
Teen guy: Yeah, but for some reason I love your dumb ass more.
Teen girl: [Swoons.]
--1 train
Presenting 2007's Least-Reassuring Reassurance
Hobo: Yo, can I get a cigarette? [Girl hands him one.] Can I get a light? Don't worry, I'm not going to mug you -- it's too cold for that shit.
--90th & 1st
When They Put Up a Barn, It Stays Up
Old black guy #1: You know who really has their shit together?
Old black guy #2: Who?
Old black guy #1: The Amish.
Old black guy #2: For sure.
--F train
'Til Your Third Stabbing Do Us Part
Female associate: ... See, that's his problem. He be startin' shit with niggas when he know he ain't armed!
Male associate: He gon' get stabbed again.
Female associate: He get stabbed again, I'ma be like, 'See ya!' You can't talk shit you ain't got no gun!
--Filene's Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Manhattan
'Cause My Body So Breadilicious
Homeless man: You need to pray to Jesus everyday. Do you thank Jesus for your food or your family or the newspaper? The devil is killing you through newspapers and the media. Are you thankful to Jesus? He loves you if you talk to him everyday.
Queer: I would be thankful to Jesus if you would stop shouting in my ear so I can listen to Beyonce's newest album.
--N train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Headline by: kempadimes
Runners-Up:
· "Is my Savior too bootylicious?" - Mdaneman
· "Jesulicious" - Mark Schilsky
· "Jesus loves me, this I know. A fucking hobo tells me so." - Extra Character
· "Jesus saves souls, not careers" - Megan
· "Some messiahs are so high-maintenance" - N. A. Cargo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But Too Lazy to Do Anything about It
Dude #1: I wonder why we're here.
Dude #2: I tried to figure it out once...
Dude #1: And what did you find?
Dude #2: I found out that I'm probably gay.
--Wall St
And the Number One Reason New Yorkers Move to the Suburbs...
Dude: This weather! It's a beautiful fucking night, isn't it?
Chick: I know! It's fucking amazing, it's just so fucking sweet!
Dude: Yeah, it is fucking nice out, I wish I could take a piss -- you know, somewhere outside -- and not get arrested!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
'Hi, I'm Probably Having Sex -- Leave Me a Message.'
Girl #1: She isn't picking up her phone.
Girl #2: Oh, she's probably having sex.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah, you're probably right.
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: Trapped in Laguna
Someone Needs to Tell Bruce Willis That's because He's Dead
Drunk dude #1: I have a great job.
Drunk dude #2: Yeah, but I get a lot of vacation time.
Drunk dude #1: Oh, yeah? Remember those two days I took off last week? Those were free days because they didn't even notice I wasn't there!
--2 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
When Upper East Side Entitlement Attacks! : Next Week on Fox-TV
Customer: What time does the live entertainment begin?
Waiter: Around 11 p.m.
Customer: Can you call and ask them to start early? It's eight p.m., and I'm here now.
--Rafina Taverna, 78th & York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Making Up a Whole Country -- I Admire That
Black man: So, where you from?
Hot chick: Portugal.
Black man: Shiiit! I've never heard that one before.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Maria
I Mean Like Really Boring Sex
Girl #1: You know what I like? Sleep sex.
Girl #2: Sleep sex? What's that?
Girl #1: You know... Like, when you're asleep, and you wake up, and you're having sex.
Girl #2: You mean like rape?
--NYU Library
Overheard by: Kent by Day
Mostly I Just Massage Her Feet
Queer #1: It is so difficult for me to explain... like, it really hurts to be treated that way, and sometimes I just need to stop and focus on the pain and learn why it bothers me so much.
Queer #2: Why don't you talk to your therapist about it?
Queer #1: She won't let me talk about that stuff.
--1 train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
But You Can Leave Your Cute Little Dog Here
Tourist to no one in particular: Which way is the gay area?
Queer in black leather gear: You're here.
Tourist: Where are the gay stores?
Queer in black leather gear: All around here.
Tourist: Where are the gay people?
Tourist friend: I think they go out more in the night time, right?
Queer in black leather gear: Go back to Kansas.
--16th & 8th
Overheard by: amalia
Or at Least Get My iPod While You're Down There
A man jumps onto the subway tracks to retrieve an item for his female companion.
Black teen chick #1: What is that guy doing?
Black teen chick #2: Is that a black man?! It figures that's a black man! You gotta set a better example for our people!
--Borough Hall
But I Still Think Charles Manson Was Framed
Girl #1: But, like, don't you think you should find out why the person is in jail before you have sex with them?
Girl #2: I guess so.
--Columbia
Boredom, Mostly
Janitor: I'm sorry, ma'am, you can't wear boots on the equipment.
20-something woman wearing Uggs on elliptical machine: But these are orthopedic boots!
Janitor: I'm sorry, but it's against policy to wear the boots on the machines.
20-something woman wearing Uggs: Why are you doing this to me?
--Dodge YMCA, Atlantic Ave
Prefers to Stand
Man: I love these chairs out here.
Guy at next table: I hate these chairs out here.
Man: Butt the fuck out of my conversation.
Guy at next table: Shut up, I just got back here. I got my ass blown off in Iraq.
--Max Restaurant, 4th St & Ave B
I Smoke to Look Older
Guy: Can I get some cigars?
Attendant: Yeah, are you over 18?
Guy: Yeah.
Attendant: That's cool. I'm only 17. I'm just really high.
--Soho
Looks Like Two Raccoons Having a Fight in a Burlap Sack
Construction worker #1: It's all saggy.
Construction worker #2: And bouncing and shit.
Construction worker #1: Get a fucking girdle!
--Mercer St & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Renee B.
Only Her Plastic Surgeon Knows for Sure
Hoochie #1: Jeffrey's coming over tonight... Shit, I'm out of lube! And I'm broke. Fuck!
Hoochie #2: Use lip gloss. When you blow him, your lips won't get chapped.
Hoochie #1: That's why your lips are so nice!
--Union Square
Overheard by:
So Just Enjoy It
Guy #1: I can't tell if I'm smelling your armpit or my fart.
Guy #2: Doesn't matter. You couldn't move away from it either way.
--Crowded 1 train
Overheard by: goo goo doll
Our Very Trousers Would Evaporate
Dude: Is the Banana Republic a real place?
Chick: ... I think so. They wouldn't lie, would they?
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Laura M.
Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
Or Are Those Croutons?
Tourist chick #1: What is 'soup du jour'?
Tourist chick #2: You know, soup with all those little de jours in it.
Tourist chick #1: Oh, right.
--Quasi-French place, E 52nd St
Overheard by: Diner at same restaurant
You Could Pay Him in Rolling Papers and Water Balloons
Young female attorney: So, I went to my cousin's party the other night and did keg stands with her and her law school friends.
Young male attorney: No way.
Young female attorney: Yup. I even played beer pong and flip cup.
Young male attorney: I can't believe you went to a law school party.
Young female attorney: Oh, it gets better. I was talking to this 24-year-old guy, and in my drunken state accidently mentioned the name of the firm, and he was all like, 'Oh my god! My father works for that firm! Do you know Steve Callahan*?'
Young male attorney: Whoa.
Young female attorney: Yeah, so I tried bargaining with him, telling him I wouldn't tell his father about how he spends his Thursday nights if he wouldn't mention that he saw me there.
Young male attorney: Oh, so you should be okay, then.
Young female attorney: Not so much. He reminded me that in order to tell his father anything, I'd have to admit I was there.
Young male attorney: Touché. Looks like he chose the right profession... Do you think Callahan would let him be my intern this summer?
--In line for shish kebab vendor, Astoria
Fool -- Even Now the Eye of Sharon Turns in Our Direction!
Dude #1: I mean, when she walked into the room it was like... a demonic presence.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Dude #1: No, you don't. Your girlfriend isn't like that. She's not a bitch.
Dude #2: Yeah, she is, just in a different way. She's a smart enough bitch not to let people know she's a bitch.
--NYC High School
Our Boundless Self-Esteem Doesn't Do It for You?
Teen chick #1: So, what? Are you sick of all us girls now?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Teen chick #2: Why, because you've hooked up with all of us?
Teen boy: Yeah.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Barney's Urine Has a Small but Devoted Following
Young hipster: I want drink!
Concessions clerk: What? Snapple? What?
Young hipster: Drink! I want drink! [Pounds counter.]
Concessions clerk, utterly confused: You are too young to drink.
Young hipster: I want drink! And purple!
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: attendee
Not before My First Cup of Coffee
Man to lady pushing onto train: Look, I can't go in much further unless I start sodomozing the guy in front of me.
Guy in front of him: Yeah... I really don't want that.
--Crowded L train, Bedford
Overheard by: KiltMan
Just Like Any Stay at Home Parent
Guy: Why won't you spend time with me?
Chick: Because I don't want to date you, remember? I don't like you.
Guy: C'mon, let's go away for the weekend. Let's go to St. John's -- I'll pay.
Chick: That would make me a whore.
Guy: So, let's go.
--Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: S
Uh, I Meant the Mind-blowing Sex, But Okay
Teen guy rehearsing: I can't concentrate on my scene right now.
Teen girl: Oh... I think I know why. Is it because of last night?
Teen guy: Yeah! I can't believe Delishis won Flavor of Love -- it's been depressing me all day!
--Friends Seminary
Now a Signature Perfume!
Teen girl #1: Does my smell really bother you that much?
Teen girl #2: It's like raw sewage. Or a diaper that's been sitting a real long time.
--6 train
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
The Whole Bag If You Stop Locking Her in That Cage
Dad: Give me a chip.
Son: No, you'll just shove it all in your mouth like you always do.
Dad: No, I won't. I promise.
Son: Okay, I'll give you a chip if you promise not to yell at Mommy anymore.
--1 train, 215th St
The Two Faces of Retail
Cashier to coworker: I would rather be homeless sleeping under a bridge than working this shitty job. [To customer] Have a great night!
--Joyce Leslie, 8th St & Washington Sq E
How Could 'Dildo' Ever Be an Insult?
Ghetto chick #1: I didn't want to touch that dildo, but...
Ghetto chick #2, sighing: Yeah, I know.
--14th St & University Pl
And Crabby Patties, If You Follow Me
Guy: Yeah, his nickname is 'SpongeBob,' because he looks just like him.
Girl: Oh?
Guy: Yeah, his head is really square, and he's got this buzz cut...
Girl: Is he full of holes?
Guy: Well, sort of -- he's got eczema.
--Delancey & Orchard St
I Asked That at the MoMA, and They Threw Me Out
Black man #1: Are you going to go to the museum tomorrow?
Black man #2: Hell yeah! I wanna know -- how they make a nigga outta wax?!
--Outside Madame Tussaud's, 42nd St
Overheard by: Laura
Gay Masons: Alright, Who Talked?
Little kid: No, you gotta do the secret handshake.
Friend: What?
Little kid: The secret handshake! [Stands behind friend and starts thrusting his hips against friend's rear.] Boom! Boom! Boom!
Little kid's mom: Josh, that's not nice!
--65th & Broadway
I Feel Like Such a Retard
Redhead: That woman is such a cunt.
Dressy guy: How come it's okay for you to say 'cunt,' but if I say it you get all up in a snit?
Redhead: It's like 'nigger.' You can only say it if you are one. [Eyes open wide, mouth gapes, mortified] Oh my god, I can't believe I just said that.
--Nathan's, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Did, for Christ's Sake!
Chinese customer: Hey, do you work here?
Chinese salesman: Yes.
Chinese customer: Okay, are you guys going to have the PlayStation Three when it comes out?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: I know -- are you guys going to have it?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: Okay... I know that. Are you guys going to sell it?
Chinese salesman: I don't know if we have pre-orders.
Chinese customer: So, are you going to sell it on November 17th?
Chinese salesman: Yes, yes, we sell on November 17th -- first come, first serve.
Chinese customer walks away mumbling: Damn, man, learn some English.
--J&R Music, City Hall
Overheard by: Hugh
Americans Call That 'The Naughty Bit'
Bloke #1 looking at subway map: It's not actually that big a city, is it?
Bloke #2: Yeah, and there's really no need for this bit here.
Bloke #1: That's where all the rappers grew up.
--L station, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: miss blanky-poo
It's the Default Option
Chick #1: So, what do you think?
Chick #2: It's...
Chick #1: It's complicated.
Chick #2: Yeah, it's complicated.
Chick #1: I need to change my Facebook profile. Is 'It's complicated' an option for relationship status?
Chick #2: Yeah.
Chick #1: Good.
--73rd & Columbus
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Portrait of the Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor As a Young Man
Teen guy: You are the most unashamed person I've ever met.
Teen girl: Yeah, just don't start talking about opening my openings again.
--5 train
Overheard by: dara
Future Writers for the CW's Gritty and Realistic Teen Dramas
NYU girl #1: They're like, 'Whoa, totally awesome party!'
NYU girl #2: Who says that?
NYU girl #1: I don't know. I don't go to parties. I guess that's what they'd say...
--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square West
Nope, Raised in a Barn
Old lady to weird guy: Get up! Get up! Can't you see that that woman has two young children? [Weird guy reluctantly gets up.] You must be an orphan.
Weird guy: Fuck off. [He moves away and departs at the next stop.]
Old lady: What? He was getting off at the next stop? He must be an orphan.
--A train
Overheard by: rachel
Let Me Explain the Fundamentals Again, Mr. President...
Dude #1: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Dude #2: Ummm... Hmmm.
--F train
It's Like That Frampton Song, but Wetter
Dude #1: So, you know The Vagina Monologues are coming, right?
Dude #2: Yeah, are you going to get them in your studio?
Dude #1: Yeah, I'm hoping to get some recordings.
Dude #2: So, they really talk out their vaginas?
Dude #1: No, it's like a play or something.
Dude #2: Oh, I thought they, like, spread their legs and... I mean, I thought it was hardcore.
Dude #1: No.
Dude #2: They should do that, though.
Dude #1: Yeah.
--Gym
I Got into This Racket for the Condemnation
Hobo: Hey, you got any money?
Nice lady: I don't have any change, but I can give you some on my way out, or get you something to eat.
Hobo: I'll take the money. But don't worry, I ain't gonna use it to buy booze or drugs.
Nice lady: As far I am concerned, you can use the money for whatever you want.
Hobo: Whoa, lady! That's way too liberal for me.
--Outside health food store, Brooklyn
Nobody in New York Knows the Difference between At-Home and Outside Conversations
Yuppie kid: Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?
Yuppie kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Dylan, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?
Yuppie kid: Yes.
Yuppie dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.
Yuppie kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hooo...
Black lady: See, home conversating, outside conversating -- that's bullshit. My kid says shit like that, I smack him. He won't say shit like that again.
Yuppie dad: Okay, thank you, but I think our method works just fine.
Yuppie kid: Lady, do you shave your hoo-hoo?
Black lady: Oh, yeah, that shit is workin' just fine. She's all kinds of polite.
Yuppie dad: Okay, Dylan, this is our stop.
--R train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
You Ghetto-of-the-Ivy-League Poser
Columbia student: Do you go to NYU?
NYU student: Yes, how did you know?
Columbia student: I could tell by your dirty shoes. NYU gets their students from the homeless shelter.
NYU student: Excuse me?
Columbia student: I'm your biggest enemy.
NYU student: What?
Columbia student: I go to Columbia.
NYU student: Can you leave me alone?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Cooper Union Student
Not the Face! Not the Face!
Black girl: My daddy says I can't fight her because she's pregnant.
Wigger chick: Her face ain't pregnant, is it?
--Subway bathroom, 4th & 6th
Take That, You PC Fucks!
Chick #1: So, this black girl goes--
Chick #2, looking around: --You know, you really should say 'African American' these days. It's less, you know...
Chick #1: Fucking please. How do I know she's from Africa? My cousin, Maria, from Puerto Rico -- she's black like a boot. You call her 'Africa-anything,' she'll fucking kill you.
--3 train to 14th St
When Swarthy Met Sallow
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don't know, I don't have your skin color.
--Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· "Here's a box of crayons, be creative!" - Steve
· "Neither do I, that's what the bronzer's for." - Dave
· "Or an IQ over 64........." - Cooter
· "The customer is always irrelevant" - Janet E.
· "Why training videos aren't made on Fridays anymore" - so pale
· "Zombies are so hard to work with" - TP
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Promised Us 'Goddamn Lovely'
Lady hobo: Y'all got some money up in here?! [Long pause] I'll take some food... A fruit, a coke, a twizlah, a bag of chips, a hair comb. I will eat anything you give me! I ain't ashamed! [Longer pause] Shoot. Aight. I'll sing. I'll goddamn sing y'all a song. Any of you object to this? Anyone object to me singing a goddamn lovely song? 'Cause I'll do it. Sir, sir, you object? Miss? [Passengers begin to laugh.] Okay, this is the last call for anyone who objects. One, two, three... [Starts singing old southern tune].
High school thug: Yo, is this shit too late to object to? Shut the fuck up.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: CrappedMyPantsOut
ODB Let Her Down Badly
White girl #1: Is 50 Cent sexy?
White girl #2: I guess, if you're into hardcore niggas.
--E 12th St & Ave A
Overheard by: jennifer
Cut Your Losses and Run!
Girl: Oh my god! That guy over there across the street -- I went out with him last Saturday! We made plans for this weekend, and when I asked him what was up he told me he had to go home to Long Island 'cause his grandmother was sick.
Guy friend: The one with his arm around that girl? Clearly, he was lying.
Girl: No shit. C'mon, let's cross the street.
They cross the street.
Girl: Oh my god! Alex*! Wow, this is funny.
Alex: Oh... Jenny*... Hi... What are you doing here?
Introductions are made all around.
Jenny: So, how's your grandmother? I take it you saw her this weekend?
Girl with Alex: Yeah, Alex, how is your grandmother? You saw her two weekends in a row? You are quite the devoted grandson.
Jenny's guy friend: Dude, you are so fucked.
--Lower East Side
Wednesday One-Liners Fire Their Publicist
Homeless man sitting on ground holding up peeled banana: ... And now for my John Wayne Bobbit imitation... Aaauuuggghhh!
--38th & Lex
20-something girl: Oh my god! I just realized how much Darth Vader sounds like Ralph Nader!
--8th St & Broadway
Overheard by: EJ
Little boy: Oprah, save me!
--1 train
Overheard by: amused tourist
Hot Asian chick: I want to go, but do we have enough David Hasselhoff shirts to last us the whole weekend?
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Shringle
Guy chatting up girl: Yeah, this is a real celebrity hangout. There are probably famous people in here right now, we just don't know who they are.
--The Spotted Pig
The Urban Renewal of Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: I'm interested in what's now -- that's why I live in Williamsburg.
--Court & 3rd Pl
Overheard by: imitation rastaman
Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus... It's like a microwave -- what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to 'Harlem.' Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to 'B6 Limited' and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.]
--B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: tanechka
Smart guy: There is no West Side. There's only Zabar's.
--New York Palace Hotel
Overheard by: Emily
Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It's getting whiter.
--Union Square
Old lady to another: Yes, she's still alive. She's living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn't go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats.
--22nd & 1st
Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District!
--N 4th St & Bedford Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Shit You Not
Dad to two little kids: Hurry. Hurry! Daddy just crapped himself!
--27th & 7th
Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sample too many...
--In front of Brooklyn Academy of Music
Overheard by: TMI
College dude to girlfriend in loud whisper: I took such a good shit today. [Girlfriend smiles and kisses him.]
--PATH station, 14th St
Overheard by: Abby
Girl: So I woke up the next morning, looked over, and there was a human shit a foot away from my head.
--Purity Diner, Park Slope
Guy: That Mary Poppins... she's a spoonful of shit!
--Times Square
Real Wednesday One-Liners Have Curves
Fat chick to fatter chick: You know, I just can't eat as much as I used to.
--Cold Stone Creamery, W 42nd St
Overheard by: Kilroy
Big lady: Sit? Nah, I'm fine standin'. These people have been workin' hard all day, they don't need no big fat lady sittin' next to them. If some big fat lady sat next to me, I'd be mad as a bitch.
--F train
Overheard by: Alex And Ra
Queer to another: Honey, with all the food you've been eating recently you don't even need a coat.
--20th & 8th, Chelsea
Dude: I'm too fat to be seen with her.
--C train, between 23rd & 34th
Overheard by: bwarren.com
Father to 10-year-old son: She likes ziti, french fries, pizza, and cake? Do you know what she's going to be in high school? Fat. Never date a girl that likes to eat more than two things. First rule in life.
--Gennaro restaurant
Overheard by: Aislinn
The Greater Wednesday One-Liner Co-Prosperity Sphere
Guy on cell: I could get better numbers if I beat up an Asian kid!
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: ericaS
Crazy guy to mailman: Look, maybe you don't understand what I'm asking. All that I'm saying is that I've noticed a lot of mailmen are Asian, and I was wondering if you knew why.
--33rd & 30th, Astoria
Overheard by: Jeffrey
Chick on cell: I found, living in Japan, that it's very Asian.
--28th & Lex
Overheard by: Cheryl
Teen girl on phone: Yeah, I wouldn't mind if he said that to an Asian... but only an Asian!
--86th St
Overheard by: Lotte
Japanese boy to Korean girl: Koreans generalize a lot.
--Broadway, near NYU
Overheard by: Daniel
Korean-American: In Korea, Koreans run everything. There, Jews are just nice people.
--Dean & DeLuca, University Place
Wednesday One-Liners Are Made of Meat
Man on cell: Dude, don't worry about it -- your urethra is only two inches long.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: LC
Skinny, sour-faced guy: Would you mind not clapping so loud? It hurts my ears.
--Big Apple Circus
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
College guy to friend: It's just your body saying no, but after a while it stops.
--NYU dorm
20-something dude: My parents don't think I am responsible enough to move to the city ever since I cut my fingers off.
--28th & 3rd
Conductor: I can't move this train if you hangin' halfway out of it. Move all the way in when the doors close. [Doors start to close, fail.] All the way in means no legs, arms, or asses be hangin' out no doors!
--6 train, 77th St stop
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Metrosexual
Professor: Where is the line between what is homosexual and what is not? Is a circle jerk not gay? Oh, god. I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't know what that is.
--NYU
Girl: It makes you look gay, and I don't mean good gay.
--The Gap, 17th St & 5th Ave
Flamboyant man on cell: I got you the one that had an 'L.V.' on it... How am I supposed to know what that means? I'm not that kind of gay!
--Grand St & Broadway
Overheard by: callmedrpalmer
TA: We can talk about boy sex, but we can't talk about homosexuality.
--Classroom, NYU
Queer: Wait, how did you end up the gayest? Because I started out the gayest!
--Time Square
Overheard by: Tourist Who Blends
Bimbette: No, Jesus was gay. That's the only solution.
--4 train
Overheard by: solution to what?
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device
Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn't know...
--6 train
Overheard by: 21 and knows better
Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania?
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: the bfd
Dude: What? You're not from Illinois, you're from Chicago!
--Cheesecake Factory
Female tourist: Where's Chicago, again? Oh, that's here in New York, right?
--Outside Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Genissimo
Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state!
--Outside Javits Center
Overheard by: Tara
Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast?
--Max Brenner, Union Square
Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners
Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever -- the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away... That movie was awesome!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?
--Hunter College
Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I'm recording this!
--Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn
Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it's my Bible. I hang on every word, 'cause I really want to know how gay people talk.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stina
Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren't like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I've ever seen!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Philip Niosi
Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.
--The Village, near Mulberry
Overheard by: DC Diva
Fully Automatic Water-Cooled Assault Wednesday One-Liners
Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!
--Gate, Newark Airport
Overheard by: minkey
Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Alex
Guy with facial piercings: My mom's such a bitch. She's like, 'I don't want any guns or drugs in the house!' and I was like, 'Fuck you, Mom!'
--Penn Station
Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.
--14th & Union Square
Overheard by: Mole
Thug kid to thug friends: I don't do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.
--7 train, Queens
Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair
Wednesday One-Liners' Middle Name Is Ralph, As in Puke
Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends... That's V as in 'vomit.'
--57th St station
Overheard by: heroine in iniquity
Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn't having a good time so she was like, 'Why didn't you just get drunk and throw up on him?' and I was like, 'Because I'm not gonna stoop to his level. I'll just have someone break his legs.'
--LIRR Hicksville
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.
--LIRR train
Overheard by: Kristen
Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what's your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?
--PATH to Christopher St
Metal guy to friend: I'm tellin' you, if you gotta throw up you can't beat pancakes and syrup.
--Burger King, 34th St
Overheard by: Glad I was done eating
Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse... None of that ever happened!
--168th & Ft Washington Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Remember Their Roots
Malan Breton, from Project Runway: Is this where I come to have my lashes dyed?
--Beauty salon, Hudson & Perry
Overheard by: thaler
Dude: It was fun, but we felt like posers because we all had mohawks, and they had, like, holes in their faces.
--Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Man: ... And I said, that's my body hair, not a sweater!
--Broadway & Reade
Overheard by: Caitlin
Loud Southern chick: He looked fine except for the goatee, the moustache, and the unibrow.
--Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: acep
Drunk hipster chick: Yeah, my geo-politics are fucked up and my bangs are fucked up. I cut them myself.
--Delancey & Essex platform
Overheard by: Scott L
Transgender emo teen: Go and see his MySpace picture. He is beautiful. But you can only see his hair.
--McDonald's, 3rd St
Overheard by: jess and ari
I Didn't Go to the Trouble of Poisoning All Those People Just to Be Ignored
Blonde chick: Oh my god, so there's this playwright who died, and they're like, putting on a re-... re-... Well, like, whatever it's called, they're putting it on. They're reading some lines. But anyway, like, her brother who, like, my dad like, used to work with -- well, he's dead, too. And I'm like, 'Why are you hanging out with your girlfriend's daughter when I'm your real daughter?'
Friend: Oh my god, you should totally bitch him out.
Blonde chick: Oh, I will.
--Elevator, NYU residence hall
Some People'll Go to Any Lengths to Get Out of Jury Duty
Son: ... But are they really bad guys, or just guys gone wrong?
Father: Some of these men have committed gruesome killings.
Son: Wow.
Father: It is why I can never be on one of those juries, since I was part of an attempted murder case. I was the killee, not the killer...
--78th & Madison
Overheard by: nyc8675309
Jake: Man, That Chick Only Looks Good When I'm Drunk
Chick #1: Pretty much every girl will sleep with anybody if she's got a few drinks in her. But there are only, like, one or two guys she'll have sober sex with. Right this moment, the only person I'd want to have sober sex with is Jake.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Because I'm fucking in love with him.
--R train
The Price Is Right
Tween #1: Wow, that's cute! He was gonna eat her booger for a hand job?
Tween #2: It was, like, a monster booger...
--Montague & Henry St, Brooklyn Heights
If You're Too Busy for That, You're Too Busy for Life
Junkie lady: Excuse me, I need someone to help me. I'm trying to run for President, and I need someone -- whaddyacallit -- to book my limos and hotels for me and shit.
Librarian: Like a personal assistant?
Junkie lady: Yeah, that's it! I'm running for President, and the minorities keep telling people that I'm crazy. I'm too busy to fuckin' beat em with a metal baseball bat, you know, so I need a personal assistant.
--228 E 23rd St
Overheard by: Liberry Lady
When She Gets Mad at One, I Trot Out Another
Male coworker: ... And that's how I lost all feeling in my fingers.
Female coworker: Man, that's fucked up.
Male coworker: I am fucked up. I used to try and have four different personalities.
Female coworker: I remember that. You still doing that shit?
Male coworker: Only with my girlfriend.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Jacqui
I'm Not Making Any Promises I Can't Keep
Dude: Can you stick out your freakishly long tongue again?
Chick: Only if you promise not to put a macaroon on it.
--Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: it really was freakishly long
It Was a Social Suicide
Posh woman #1: Oh, do you remember our friend's brother? The one who committed suicide?
Posh woman #2: Yeah...
Posh woman #1: Well, turns out he didn't kill himself -- he had a sex change.
--17th & 3rd
Santa Finally Goes Legit
Asian kid: Why did you decide to start driving now?
Middle-aged thug: I drive trucks. Now it's just time to tell the government.
--DMV, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
W.C. Fields: Quite a Set of Lungs on the Little Moppet
Five-year-old tourist girl: Daddy, don't lie to your wife!
--Deli
Overheard by: persephone
You Know Damn Well It's from You Squirting
Teen chick #1: My face is sticky.
Teen chick #2: Is it from my cock in your mouth?
Teen chick #3: Everyone on the bus just heard that.
Teen chick #2, yelling: I don't have a cock, people, I promise!
Teen chick #3: Yeah, justify yourself to a bus full of people. Go ahead.
--M11 bus
Overheard by: Alexa
When BDSM Enthusiasts Try to Hold Down Jobs
Woman getting into cab: I need to go to Wall Street.
Cabbie: Can you give me directions?
--27th & Broadway
Don't Stop, You're Starting to Come Back to Me
Hoochie: I think that's a D-list actor!
Queer: Really? What's his name?
Hoochie: Ummm, I don't know. Maybe he isn't an actor. Do I know him?
Queer: How would you know him?
Hoochie, yelling to guy: Did I give you a blow job?!
--Marie Antoinette screening, Lincoln Square theatre
Overheard by: Madame T
Can You Believe That Tasti D-Lite Isn't Real Ice Cream? Crazy.
JAP: Can you believe it's snowing upstate? It's crazy.
Hispanic delivery man: Yeah.
JAP: Can you believe that that Yankee died? It's crazy.
Hispanic delivery man: Yeah.
--Empire State Building
The First Rule of Stud Club Is, You Do Not Talk about Stud Club
Girl #1: We have a friendship of sorts.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah?
Girl #1: Well, a kinky sex friendship.
Girl #2: ... What does it look like?
Girl #1: It's studded.
--Peanut Butter & Co.
Anything in the Middle of Nowhere Counts As 'Down South'
Haitian worker #1: Yo, no offense, but that's what I don't like about black girls.
Haitian worker #2: Yeah...
Haitian worker #1: You gotta find yourself a good white girl. And not just one from, like, Baltimore, 'cause they mad ghetto. You gotta find a good white girl from, like, Indianapolis, You know, down South.
--Gray's Papaya, Chelsea
Probably Best to Have Your Coffee at Work
Chick #1: What were you doing and why were you walking so hard?
Chick #2: The elevator man kept going up and down and missed my stop, and I really had to pee, so I had to rush to this floor and use the bathroom. I've been holding it since Brooklyn, and I peed on myself a little. My pants are wet.
Chick #3: What?!
Chick #1 starts laughing hysterically.
Chick #2 stomps away, screaming: I hate you!
Chick #1: I'm not laughing at you! I'm not laughing at you!
--57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bdizzle
It's Wonderful How Women Listen to Each Other
PR woman #1: So, my cousin's test on her biopsy showed that it was cancerous...
PR woman #2: Girl, that nuttin'. My best friend's sister's husband -- he's a doctor -- was drivin' to the city from New Jersey yesterday, got outta his car and got run over by a truck.
--Union Square station
Overheard by: drfunk
If Dr. Phil Did 2000 Sit-Ups a Day
LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle-aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.
Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that's LL!
Black woman to white woman: You people don't understand -- that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Swanny
When Everyone Knows Water Sports Are Supposed to Involve Urine! Freak.
Girl #1: So, how was it at his house?
Girl #2: It was fine until he kept...
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Well, he kept begging me to try it, and I was like, 'Listen, I'll do any other kinky thing you want, but I think that is just gross!' And then he went and got the garden hose anyway...
--Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
She's Always Looking for People to Do Yard Work
Man #1: Dude, what do you do if that is your skill, your gift?
Man #2: What, being a poet?
Man #1: Yes, how do you make a living at it?
Man #2: You don't. Either that or you call up Maya Angelou and ask her, 'What the fuck do I do?'
--39th & 8th
Overheard by: dan
Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry
TV: 'It's official -- Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency...'
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don't know... I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent -- you think a woman can handle that?
--Montefiore Medical Center
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· "At least we knew Monica could handle a big load" - Roxi
· "I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas." - Mikie
· "If she can't handle the small "jobs" at home..." - Kenneth
· "Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that." - bella
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Romance Requires Candles
Teen girl #1: So, we were totally on his couch and we were totally making out. It was totally romantic.
Teen girl #2: How is making out on his couch romantic?
Teen girl #1: You're just jealous that you have no romance in your life.
Teen girl #2: Don't mistake romance for being a slut.
--A train
If You Can't 'Date' Yourself, You Might As Well Commit Suicide
Dude #1: Look at me -- I'm a hairy beast. I don't think even I could date myself.
Dude #2: Yeah, man, I don't think I could even date you -- you just wouldn't be my type.
Dude #1: That hurts, man.
Dude #2: It would be a shitty relationship, anyway.
Dude #1: ... Yeah, you're right.
--Neptune Diner
Overheard by: Nathaniel Jones
20 Years Later, Golden Girls Still Hits the Humor Jackpot
Old lady #1: Do you really think she'll like that?
Old lady #2, carrying large mixing bowl: Oh, yes! I'm sure she will! I'm sure she'll... You know what, Mom? Do you really care if she does or not?
Old lady #1: No, no I don't.
Old lady #2: Well, there ya go.
--Macy's
Overheard by: beth devlin
And Why Can't You Do a Better Job with the Entertainment Industry?
Student: You're Jewish?
Professor: Yes.
Student: Where's your hat?
Professor: What?
Student: Why do you guys all wear glasses?
--FIT
Hey, It's Bigger Than Delaware
Student: I mean, I'm really bad at Geography. Like, what state is that?
Professor: Long Island.
--NYU
Overheard by: Lizanne
TV Won't Watch Itself, Y'know
Prep #1: It's still early, man. Let's go down to the weight room and work out for a while.
Prep #2: Nah, man, I have to go home and smoke up.
--Hunter College
Why Are We Here, Then?
Little boy: What is that?
Mom: That's a brain.
Little boy: Evil brain?
Mom: No, it's not evil.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
The Honeymoon's Over
Girl #1: Well, this is cozy.
Guy #1 from the back: Let's get to know a little about each other. Hi, my name's Aaron*. I'm a Pisces, non-smoker, but a heavy drinker.
Girl #2: Hi, I'm Becca. I'm a Taurus, and I really like Chinese food.
Guy #2: This is the best elevator ever.
Girl #3 as door opens: Get the fuck off of me.
--Track 3 elevator, Penn Station
So We're Going Out Next Friday
Girl #1: ... And then I kicked him in the nuts. And, like, I drew blood.
Girl #2: Oh my god...
Girl #1: I know, right? So, I go to bed, and while I'm sleeping he writes 'Best friends' on my door... in blood.
--Barcade, Williamsburg
He's Got No Teeth -- What's the Worst That Could Happen?
Mom about baby crying in stroller: Ugh, I gotta go feed him.
Friend: You want me to do it?
Mom: Um, I breastfeed.
Friend: I could give it a whirl.
--Washington Square Park
Frat Boys Are Born, Not Made
Four-year-old boy to random woman: Why did the skeleton go out to dinner?
Woman: Why?
Four-year-old boy: Because he wanted to get some ribs! [Boy and brother laugh hysterically.]
Boys' mom: Oh, Benjamin, you're so shy.
Four-year-old boy: I'm not shy! I talk a lot because I'm drunk! [Ladies nearby laugh, mother blushes.] ... I farted.
--LIRR
Touchy-Ass Pagans
Hipster guy, after hipster girl sneezes: Oh, God bless you.
Hipster girl: Don't bless me.
Hipster guy: Fuck you, then.
--Fat Baby, Lower East Side
Overheard by: RoninTy
Judaism Sneaks Up on You Like That
Hasidic guy holding flower: Hey!
Greek guy: ... Hi.
Hasidic guy holding flower: You Jewish?
Greek guy: No...
Hasidic guy walks away.
Greek guy to friend: Why does everyone think I'm Jewish?!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Tpke & Utopia Pkwy
Overheard by: wtf?
Speaking of Cheesy Things?
JAP #1: Oh my god, is that how you spell 'quiche'? I always thought it was spelled K-E-E-S-H. That is a really weird spelling.
JAP #2: Yeah, that is a totally weird spelling.
JAP #1: And I'm usually such a good speller!
JAP #2: Yeah, you are totally such a good speller! ... Have you ever seen Sixteen Candles?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: unhipster
And That Was When Fat Albert Went Straight
Five thugs ascending subway steps see cop on the street: Ho! The pigs! Oink! Busted! [They run and one starts breathing heavily, wheezing.]
Cop: Maybe you should have taken the elevator.
Fat thug: Shit! There's an elevator?! Where's the elevator?! [After they all go to look for the elevator] There's no elevator! He tricked us!
--Lorimer St, Brooklyn
He's the Same Way with Art
Female Rangers fan to Rangers: Come on, ladies!
Suit: Haha! 'Ladies.' That's so funny. I don't really get it, but I know it's funny.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Jess McGins
He Asked Me to Leave This Backpack Here and Not Open It
Queer: So, I went to that new dance club last night.
Fag hag: Oh, really? Any good?
Queer: Yeah... They were playing some weird disco music, which should've tipped me off. But anyway, this guy started hitting on me right away.
Fag hag: Oooh! Was he hot?
Queer: Sorta. I mean, he had this gigantic moustache.
Fag hag: Hmmm. He musta been a terrorist.
Queer: Actually, he did have that terror-esque gleam in his eye.
Fag hag: So, did you hook up or what?
Queer: Oh, yeah, totally fucked him in the bathroom. That terror-esque gleam is damn sexy.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: MiMi
MTA: Select Trains Will Now Feature Relationship Counselors
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
Male conductor: The next stop will be Christopher Street, Sheridan Square.
Female conductor: The next stop will be Houston Street.
--1 train, 14th St station
Overheard by: Next stop was Houston
The Restraining Order Involves a Mobius Strip and a Time Machine
Crazy lady: Don't touch my coat! I don't know where your hands have been!
Passenger: I was fixing something.
Crazy lady: Well, don't fix anything! I don't know you! And get your fucking hand out of my face!
Passenger: My hand wasn't in your face.
Crazy lady: I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to myself! Stop stalking me or I'll cut you right on this train!
--R train
No, One of Those Gel Ones
Dude: There's something not quite right about your pumpkin pie... It's just slightly off... It's like a dildo!
Chick with bite of pie in her mouth: Did you just compare my pie to a plastic dick?
--115th & Riverside
Overheard by: amalthya
You Still Have That Ouija Board?
Mom: Don't lean over the tracks like that.
Five-year-old son: I'm just looking for the train.
Mom: It's dangerous, you could fall.
Five-year-old son: Daddy's doing it. You're not saying it to him.
Mom: I'm your mother, and I told you to stop. Daddy can do what he wants. [Boy sulks for a few minutes.] Okay, do you want to call Grandma when we get home so she can yell at Daddy for leaning over the tracks?
Five-year-old son: Yes.
--34th St subway platform
You Have to, Honey, or We Lose Our Lease
Four-year-old girl: Mommy, is this avant-garde?
Mom: Yes.
Four-year-old girl: Mommy, I like avant-garde.
--MoMA
Plus, She's Still My Favorite Sofa
Middle-aged man #1: I don't know what happened to her. Man, I've never seen such a downfall. One minute she's smokin' hot, and now she's all tired and saggy.
Middle-aged man #2: But you'd still do her.
Middle-aged man #1: Fuck yeah. It'd be a great story.
--V train
Once the Boys Were Brought to the Yard, It Was All Downhill from There
Father: So, what did you guys do at Timmy's* sleepover?
Boy: I don't really remember... We had one too many milkshakes.
--1 train
Thanks for Giving Me an Escape Route
Guy yuppie: So, one of the interesting things about that movie is, remember I read that book by Neil Strauss all about how he picked up women? Well, a lot of the things the main character in that movie did are the things that Strauss advocates.
Girl yuppie: Okay, give me an example.
Guy yuppie: Well, you know how in one of their first meetings he proposed to her? That's one of the things he suggests.
Girl yuppie: Is that why on our second date you proposed to me?
Guy yuppie: Uh, you know I only read that book after we started dating... So I did that on my own...
Girl yuppie: And doesn't he just show you how to get a girl to have sex with you, not to have a relationship, and you weren't looking just for sex, but a relationship, so what he wrote wouldn't have applied to you, right?
Guy yuppie: Yeah, exactly.
--Outside a showing of The Science of Sleep, BAM
A Rat Might Crawl into Them!
Girl: This has got to be the hottest station in New York.
Guy: It's good for you. It's like a sauna -- it will open your pores.
Girl: I don't want my pores open down here!
--5 train, Fulton St station
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Honestly, Sheldon, I Can't Keep It Any Realer Than That
Wigger #1: Yo, son, you're not comin' through this weekend and shit. Where you at?
Wigger #2: Yo, it's like Yom Kippur and shit.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: j.anna
Now Get Your Punk Ass Back to the Playhouse
Man: I'm tellin' you, a perm makes you look good.
Woman: Goddammit, Pee Wee! No it don't! You think you know every mothafuckin' thing!
--Fulton & Putnam, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mira p
Don't Have Young Kids, Do You, Doc?
Senior surgeon: Did you do anything fun this weekend?
Junior surgeon: I took the family to Chinatown.
Senior surgeon: Oh, great! Did you eat while you were there?
Junior surgeon: Yeah, we went to McDonald's.
Senior surgeon: You are no longer in charge of your weekends.
--68th & 1st
Not to Diminish Your Actual Painful Experience in Any Way
Black guy: When I was little I had an inferiority complex because I was the only kid in my school with nappy hair since I went to a white school.
White chick: I think I read a book about that once.
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
Or a Hologram -- I Always Get Them Confused
Hispanic woman #1: ... And he was all, 'You're not sick, it's your diet.'
Hispanic woman #2: But you're not on a diet.
Hispanic woman #1: No, no, he meant what I eat makes me sick. Then I told him when I'm sick I take NyQuil, and he said I can't do that.
Hispanic woman #2: Why not?
Hispanic woman #1: Girl, he's a Holocaust.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Lepidus
There's the Reason Not to Be into Sex
Girl: It's not that I'm not attracted to you, it's just that I'm not as into sex as you are.
Guy: That's bullshit -- you're only 22 and you've fucked 24 people. You are definitely into sex.
Children from school bus directly next to the couple, all leaning out the window: Seeex!
--Irving & Eldert, Bushwick
Overheard by: alex
It's Easier for the Airline Than Keeping Track of Your Luggage
Black guy #1: Dawg, we been waitin' here for a min-- I think someone done jacked my shit.
Black guy #2: What? Yo, you serious?
Black guy #1: I'm for real. All my Sean John, Fubu -- all my damn gear was in that shit.
Black guy #2: Nigga, don't worry, just jack someone else's shit. Don't matter noway.
--Baggage claim, JFK
To Think I Was Going to Share My Herpes with Her
Water connoisseur: So, how did things go last night with... Ugh... What's her name? Kate?
Friend: Seriously, dude, it was going so well, but then she did something really f-ing nasty.
Water connoisseur: Whaaa?
Friend: Dude, she put an unfiltered ice cube in my Brita water. She totally tainted the water. Dude, that's just gross.
Water connoisseur: How do you know she didn't filter the cubes?
Friend: Dude, you just can't risk something like that...
--N train
Overheard by: Mikeyy
Let's Not Bicker and Argue over Who Tapped Who
Hipster chick #1: Augh! His ass is hairy!
Hipster chick #2: Hahaha, and disgusting! I would never, ever tap that.
Hipster chick #1: You can't tap that -- guys can only tap girls' asses... Right?
Hipster chick #2: Sure. Probably. Yes. But when you hang out with a gay guy all day long, things like that get a bit hazy.
--Starbucks
Will You Be My Second-Best Friend?
Dude #1 introducing dude #2 to chick: ... Well, she didn't know, because I'm her only friend.
Chick: Oh my god, can you stop telling people that? [To dude #2] It's true, though.
--Columbia campus
Just Like Nicole Richie
Black street dealer: Coke? Weed, my brotha?
Desi dude: I'm not black, I'm Indian, my nigga.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Innocent XXX
For All I Know, I May Be Having a Great Life
Thug skater #1: Man, how long you been skating?
Thug skater #2: As long as I been smokin'.
Thug skater #1: How long you been smokin'?
Thug skater #2: Man, I don't know!
--12th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Laura
The TV Show. Is That What You Mean?
Old woman: I just can't believe that's where my brother goes out to when he comes to visit me. He's not gay, so why would he be there?
Old queer: Are you sure he's not? It's called 'Rawhide' for a reason.
--22nd St & 8th Ave
Though They Do Buy Pasta at Whole Foods...
Dude #1: Eh, those two cans should be okay.
Dude #2: No. That's fucking not enough.
Dude #3: Dude, you're not fucking listening to me -- we're only doubling the recipe, not quadrupling it. Stop just fucking thinking of yourself!
Dude #4: You're not listening to me! Look at the fucking recipe -- if we've got one pound of rigatoni...
Angry woman: Excuse me, there are children here. You need to watch your language.
Dude #1 to Dude #2: I will fucking slap you so hard...
Dude #3 to angry woman: My roommates actually aren't gay...
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Didn't Dr. Sugarman Warn You Against Telling Me How I Feel?
Little girl: Mom, I really, really want to jump off!
Mom: No, you really don't.
--86th floor, Empire State Building
Alum, Needle and Thread, Krazy Glue...
Teen girl exploring her purse: Band-Aids, tampons... Basically, a lot of things to stop bleeding.
Teen boy staring: Ew, gross.
--Starbucks, Union Square
And Think How Many You Just Wasted on Rent
Frat boyfriend: Wait, 525,600 what? What was that about?
Girlfriend: Minutes, baby. It's, like, how many minutes we have in our lives.
Frat boyfriend: Oh. [Two blocks later] Wait, 525,600 what? Minutes?
Girlfriend: Yes. Minutes.
--Nederlander Theatre, 41st & 7th
If You'll Refer to This Venn Diagram...
Dad: You look pale.
Punk girl: Dad, I'm not a drug addict. Jesus, half of my friends are straight-edge and the other half have asthma.
--6th St & Ave A
I Usually Stay Clean Until after Midterms
Sociology professor: So, what would you like to learn about this semester?
Student: The legalization of marijuana.
Sociology professor: Okay... [Draws pot leaf on blackboard.] Hm, I'm not much of an artist... Plus, I'm high. Ha, no, I'm just kidding.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Soapnana
Asimov: I Got a Book Out of It, of Course
Girl #1: ... And then he finger-fucked Isaac Asimov.
Girl #2: [Falls down laughing.]
Guy: Yes, exactly.
--Columbia University
More Seashell White, Really
Girl: So, yeah, he took me to dinner at this Japanese place and--
Friend: --What's his background?
Girl: He went to Georgetown and majored in--
Friend: --No. What color is he?
Girl: Oh, he's white.
Friend, disappointed: That's so boring... You're sure? Plain white?
--116th & Broadway
No, They've Been Decontextualized
Girl: So, for our Geology class we've got to come here for a field trip to look at rocks.
Guy: Central Park is 100 percent man-made.
Girl: But the rocks are real, aren't they?
--Central Park
Overheard by: McJohnny
The Greek-house effect.
Frat boy #1: It's so f-in' cold in here.
Frat boy #2: Yeah, where's the global warming when you need it?
--Subway restaurant near Wall St
Headline by: Dave Faith
Runners-Up:
· "Dubya's College Years Were Ripe With Wit" - Katie
· "It's Busy Killing Your Grandchildren" - bowloftoast
· "It's Busy Melting the Pounds Off Jared" - David Bowers
· "It's Truly Inconvenient" - Nicolbee
· "Just wait a few years and it'll be wireless" - karl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
A Golden New York Moment
Girl #1: Dude, I need to take a shower.
Girl #2: Ew, yeah -- you smell... What happened?
Girl #1: I was on the one train and, like, suddenly this guy, like, pulled it out, like, just right out there.
Girl #2: Are you kidding?
Girl #1: Yeah, oh my god, it was horrible... Horrible! His pee, like, was coming down the train. Like, just streaming down.
Girl #2: Oh my god, that must have been the longest train ride from 110th to 116th ever.
Girl #1: You are telling me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Makelikeatreeandleave
But We Never Did Get a Ruling on the Buoyancy of Churches, Cider, and Very Small Rocks
Latina: Oh my god! This girl had a busted, Mexican-looking face with just fat everywhere. You throw her in the water, that bitch will float!
White friend: Uhhh, humans float anyway.
Latina: Whatever, she was fat.
--Richmond Hill, Queens
Yes, Is This the Registrar? I'd Like to Request a Single
Guy: Dude, you want to see my balls?
Roommate: [Silence.]
Guy: I just shaved my balls.
Roommate: [Silence.]
Guy: Dude, just touch my balls. They're smooth, just touch them with your elbow.
Roommate: [Silence.]
Guy: Ew! Dude, you just touched my balls with your elbow!
--Fordham University
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Remember This Tomorrow
Little girl on dad's shoulders: Hmmm. Beer. I'm not really a fan of that anymore.
--Outside MSG
Overheard by: eric p
Guy on cell: Dude, I'm sayin', it's like every single time we have sex she is drunk! Sooo drunk... [Sighs.]
--Canal St
20-something chick on cell: Well, they do say alcohol solves problems...
--Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Chris
NJ transit conductor: We are now approaching New York Penn Station. If you are traveling with any small children, the elderly, or drunk people, please escort them off of the train -- maybe by the hand -- because there is a wide gap between the train and the platform.
--Penn Station
Mom to wobbling little girl: Are you a drunken sailor? Drunken sailor, yay!
--Liberty St & South End Ave
Overheard by: julia
British girl to two friends: ... And I knew he was drunk that night because he fell over.
--R train from Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mark
The Protocols of the Elders of Wednesday One-Liners
Georgian tourist looking out window at Hasidic Jew: Oh, look at that man in the Abraham Lincoln costume!
--M1bus near Wall St
Overheard by: Nolan & Brandon
Mother to son: Basically, the Unitarians are the most Jewish of all the...
--91st & Broadway
Overheard by: Carol Elk
Potential student: What's a Jesuit? A Jewish person?
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Guy on cell: He doesn't even drink! He's Jewish. Apparently Jews don't drink.
--47th & 9th
Yenta on cell: Can you believe it? She's planning to have quesadillas as her Passover meal!
--8th St & Hudson
Overheard by: Laughing Goy
Suit to another: Come on -- I mean, we're Jews. We can walk on water!
--20th & Park
Little boy to nanny: I should be a doctor when I grow up, because I'm Jewish. Or an acrobat...
--F train
Overheard by: LaLa
Wednesday One-Liners Veg Out
Burly construction worker: Nah, I'm telling you, man. You got it all wrong. Apple turnover is one of those little cake things.
--39th St, between 8th & 9th
Checkout lady holding up customer's pear on counter: What the hell is this?!
--Key Food, East Village
Overheard by: J
Guy: ... I didn't know why she was chewing on a pickle with an inflated glove over one eye.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Coworker: I'm just saying, broccoli is the least respected vegetable in the vegetable kingdom. You can't argue that.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: Georgia Peach
Conductor after train pulls into station: Mrew! Mrew! Apples and bah-nay-nays!
--7 train
Drunk lady on cell: So, I've been pinned against the wall all night by a woman telling me about her bowel movements... And to top it all off, I found avocadoes on sale today for 99 cents!
--St. Mark's & 5th, Park Slope
Jelly Roll Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: ... So she had sex with both Rush Limbaugh and Bernie Kerik? Ewww, I wouldn't want to be her vagina!
--10 E 53rd St
Overheard by: I thought ewww, too
Fat latina: You mean it don't shake and jump up and down? Girl, what kinda clit do you have?
--Stanton & Clinton
Old guy sweeping sidewalk: You won't see me begging for no pussy. No way.
--118th & 5th
Overheard by: robin b
Girl in skirt to boy, both standing in the cold: If you could see my undercarriage right now you would see that it's quivering.
--21st & Broadway
Guy on cell: Yeah, girl. Well, just wait, 'cause I'm gonna terrorize your pussy tonight.
--Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Peter Rice
Lesbian: ... So I was like, 'Fine, bitch. You can shove your own fucking fingers up your own fucking cooch. I'm going to put on my clothes and sit in the corner and change my Facebook status...'
--Restroom, Stuyvesant High School
Teen boy: I ate too much pussy. Now I have pussy poisoning.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: sara swank
Wednesday White-Liners
Girl on cell: You raised me around drug addicts, and now they're the only people I like... I don't do drugs, I'm just drawn to the addicts!
--28th & Park
Guy: If you rub the gerbil in Vaseline and then dip it in cocaine, it just slips right up there.
--The Village
Chick: That's what happens when you sniff baking powder -- anyone would be shaking...
--LIRR
Overheard by: tanechka
Girl on cell: I know! I really need to stop calling my mom when I'm on coke.
--Waverly & Broadway
Overheard by: Spends 40K To Hear This Shit
Security guard to another: Just keep your eyes peeled, man... That's the third crack pipe we've had in here in two years.
--ABC Carpet & Home store, 18th & Broadway
Overheard by: Shadey
Chick: Well, I was supposed to be a part-time barista, but I was actually a full-time coke-head.
--Sullivan St, Soho
Man to entire train: It's hard to tolerate you, because you would have been nothing but a drug dealer in the '80s!
--6 train
Overheard by: xan
Wednesday One-Liners Used to Go to Meow Mix
Girl: This friend of mine, her cat killed an endangered bird... in Germany. They had to bury it, like, three feet underground.
--Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Dude on cell: I saw Tim Burton on an interview the other day, and I said to my cat, 'Snicket, behold a man who has never yet combed his hair!'
--AMDA entrance
Overheard by: McKinley's Friend
Girl: And her cat and my cat are, like, really close...
--BX26 bus
Guy: I mean, I don't even eat cat...
--14th St & 5th Ave
Guy to friend: No, cocaine. Cats really like cocaine!
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Kerri
Acute Case of Wednesday One-Liners
Female coworker to another: You look so cute! I didn't recognize you!
--Hudson & Vandam
Buff man carrying small, pink, frilly umbrella: I better not hear anyone call me cute.
--Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Chick on cell: Mom, cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 25-year-old guy fluent in sarcasm. Stop trying to set me up with him.
--Hudson St
Woman looking at Salvador Dali painting: That is so cute!
--Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Does she kill puppies for fun?
Wednesday One-Liners Did Coke in the '80s
Young lady yuppie on cell: It is a perfectly normal fear to be afraid of bubbles!
--83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: KS
Yuppie chick holding hands with yuppie boyfriend: Penis, penis, penis, penis.
--Astor Place
Overheard by: sarah
Yuppie chick on cell: The thing about my ex is it's, like, the story of 'If you give a mouse a fucking cookie, I mean, eventually he'll want to climb into bed with you and have you read him a fucking bedtime story.'
--Rector St
Yuppie: Let's go find my ex-fiance and beat her up.
--46th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Kosher
Lady yuppie: I'm going to be in Williamsburg in half an hour. There's a pig I need to buy. Wanna get a drink?
--12th St & 7th Ave
Fancy lady on cell: Hey, Andrea, it's me. Just wanted to see how you were doing... And if you got a new pig... Call me back!
--4th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: queemy's mommy
Drunk guy: I basically had pigs eating shit out of my ass!
--4th St & 1st Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Are Up to $7.50 a Pack
Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until... ever. Smoking is bad for you.
--American Airlines flight
Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!
--Outside Times Square Toys 'R' Us
Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself
Professor arguing with student: I'm just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it's just not cutting it.
--100 Washington Sq East
Little girl: Mommy, you know how it's cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.
--Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station
Overheard by: wasn't me
Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn't take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I'd grind 'em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.
--PATH, 9th St
Overheard by: Zenana
Chick: I think I'm going to take up smoking in order to make friends.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Wednesday One-Liners May Begin... Now
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn't scare me enough about the final exam y'know? So then, like, I didn't get nervous enough, so then I didn't study enough, so then I didn't do well on it, y'know? So, like, it's really my professor's fault, y'know?
--Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
--45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: ... Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin' hard...
--Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final... But the tequila was so good!
--NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member
Negligent mom: He's a little boy -- that's what he's supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
--Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don't have one? You think I don't have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
--6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin' everybody 'bout mah dick!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during 'Touch me, touch me' because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight... And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
--1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of... phalluses.
--Columbia University
NewsFlash: More Little Boys Can Locate the G-Spot Than Can Locate Maryland on a Map
Little boy: Sometimes I get confused. Daddy does it like this.
Mom: It's not about the motion. See, look at my finger...
--89th & Park
Overheard by: MojoSaves
So That's Their Target Demographic
Girl to friends: So, where should we get delivery from tonight?
Hobo: Get DiGiorno!
--49th & 7th
I Have the Smallest Ericsson Ever!
Jock #1: Mine is five inches!
Jock #2: Hah! I got you beat! Mine is about four inches.
Jock #3: Yeah? Well, I beat both you dudes. Mine is only two inches!
--W 112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Unless Natalie Portman Starts Returning My Letters
White teen: I don't think I could date an ugly girl.
Preppy black teen: Yeah...
White teen: I think I'll just marry a hot one for the sex and cheat on her emotionally with someone who is actually smart.
--Grand Central
More of a Guideline, Really
Man #1: ... And sometimes you want to drink in the office.
Man #2: Yeah, I mean, sometimes -- why not? But that's a slippery slope.
Man #1: Well, the general rule of thumb is don't drink and trade.
--Elevator, World Financial Center
Overheard by: Walter Sobjzcek
I'm a Delicate Flower! A Delicate Fucking Flower, Asshole!
Loud girl: Get the fuck up.
Bewildered man: Huh?
Loud girl: You heard me, get the fuck up! Don't you see that I'm a lady? Give me your damn seat, motherfucker! I'm a fucking lady. You're supposed to give me your seat.
Bewildered man: Fuck you, bitch!
--Q10 bus, Queens
Overheard by: SarahJ
It's a Little Service I Run. Here's My Card
Big black lady: Oh, honey! What's wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh... It's nothing. I'll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: ... Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he... Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like--
Big black lady: --Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he--
Big black lady: --Because if he did he'll get an STD and die, don't you worry.
--115th & Broadway