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March 2007 Archives
It's Like Learning the Truth about Santa All Over Again
Woman in wheelchair: These models are fantastic!
Man pushing her: These aren't models.
Woman in wheelchair: Oh, no!
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Overheard by: Jablayblay
But I'm Sure He Could Read My Lips in His Rearview Mirror
Guido #1: So the fuckin' Chink cop hands me the ticket, and I say, 'Fuck you, ya fuckin' Chink-ass cocksucker. Take this ticket and shove it up your Chink ass, you lo mein-suckin', General Tso-fuckin', slanty-eyed fuck.'
Guido #2: You said that to him?!
Guido #1: Yeah, after he drove away.
--Kings Plaza Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
At Least It's Not One of Those Bowls with Decorative Balls in It
Guy #1: My relationship isn't working out.
Guy #2: What's wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up today and realized there was a vase sitting on the mantle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no purpose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um... I think that's what vases usually do.
Guy #1: Exactly! That's why I didn't have any. They don't do anything. They're useless. There's absolutely no reason to have one, and now all of a sudden, I do. [Desperately] What has happened to me?!
--Downtown bus stop
Lee Harvey Oswald, Acting Alone
Catholic pre-K teacher: On Good Friday bad men killed Jesus and he died.
Four-year-old boy: Who killed Jesus?! I will kill him with my gun!
--Queens Catholic Elementary School
Overheard by: Sophia
Good Insincerity, but You Blew Your Line
Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.
Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child's mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don't hit people. That's not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy's eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]
--N train
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!
Jason's Walking-Around License Gets Revoked
Burly man who pulled frat boy out of tracks: Dude, are you drunk?
Frat boy: Ah... Ah... I don't know. I guess I had something to drink.
Burly man: Dude, next time you get on a train make sure it's there first!
--1-2-3 platform, 96th St
The Idea Seems So Tawdry Now That I'm Peeing
Drunk redhead: Oh my god. I totally tore Hannah's shirt tonight. I can't believe I did that.
Friend in stall: Oh, she doesn't even care, don't worry about it.
Drunk redhead: But that was a new shirt! No one had ever worn it before, and now I ripped it. I was going to tell her to make up a crazy sex story about how it got torn, but I don't know now.
--Restroom, Brother Jimmy's, 80th & Amsterdam
Actual Easter Bunny: That Hits a Little Too Close to Home
Teen #1: So this kid, Jason -- every time we go to a party, he takes a bunch of beers and hides them around whoever's house we're at.
Teen #2: You mean, where nobody could find them?
Teen #1: Yeah -- in a potted plant, an underwear drawer, the mailbox -- anywhere that will ensure him a beer later on.
Teen #2: Christ, he's like an alcoholic Easter Bunny.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: derwin
How Lois Got a Sneezer
Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn't have to tell you my name -- what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird...
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Pssst! -- I Think He Means "Beef Cheeks"
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat do you want?
Asian customer: Wedgie!
Chipotle guy: Spiced pork?
Asian customer: Vegetable!
--Chipotle, 23rd & 6th
Overheard by: I just wanted chicken
My Ringtone Is "Viva Kwangju"
Confused college student: My new cell phone is so ghetto. It lights up when it rings. It's like a Las Vegas show. But I think the inside is nice. It's like when you have a really crappy house, but it's well-decorated. Like, on the interior...
Queer friend: Yeah, that's how Koreans live.
--ArtePasta Restaurant, Greenwich Ave
Overheard by: Smarter College Student
Why Camus Wrote The Plague
Chick #1: You can't, like, wear all black.
Chick #2: Well, not unless you're a beatnik.
Chick #1: What's that?
Chick #2: You know, the guys who wear berets and play the bongos?
Chick #1: Like the French?
Chick #2: [Nods.]
Chick #1: Who knew they had bongos in France?!
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Smarter than these two
Live Fast, Die Young, Get Lost on the Way to Hoboken
Bassist: This is going to Jersey, right?
Bandmate: Yeah, no one would let us go this far if we weren't.
Bassist: Yeah, we're going to Hoboken.
Bandmate: Is Hoboken a city?
Bassist: No, it's a street or avenue.
Bandmate: Hoboken Street, yeah.
Bassist: Yeah, we're definitely going to Jersey. Someone would tell us if we weren't.
--Crowded Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: brooklyn3
Steven Tyler Was in a Stall, and the Rest Is History
Attendant lady: Excuse me, this is the ladies' room.
Primping man: Oh! I'm just such a lady, sometimes I forget.
--Joe's Pub
She Bangs the Drummer Slowly
Woman: I said, 'You know -- percussion,' and she said, 'What's that? Like, horns?'
Man: Wow. And she's the assistant for Stewart Copeland?
--Elevator, Union Square
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
What's It Like?
Girl #1: What are you buying?
Girl #2: Glue.
Girl #1: Why?
Creepster behind them: For sex.
Girl #2: No.
Creepster: She's buying it for sex.
Girl #2: Actually, no.
Creepster: Glue is for sex.
Girl #2: No, it's for eyelashes.
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
Girl #2: It's glue.
Creepster: Oh, I thought you said, 'lube.' Lube is for sex.
Girls: [Silence.]
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Shubester
That's Some Sandwich
Mom to five-year-old son eating sandwich at a wake: Put that sandwich down! Your grandfather is dead and you're eating a sandwich!
Boy: [Spits out food and drops sandwich to floor] Is he alive now?
--Bronx
Overheard by: Culturally Confuzzled Human
Her Dreadlocks Were a Total Loss, Though
Chick #1: Yeah, she threw up in her bed.
Chick #2: And then she walked around throwing up all over the room.
Guy: Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise because it finally got her to wash her sheets.
--Houston & Broadway
And You Know They're a Gateway Snack Cake
Society woman #1: I had no idea she had fallen so far.
Society woman #2: I swear! Not one, not two, but three Ho Hos! And so I said, 'But this is only lunch!'
--52nd & 5th
I Must Be Developing an Immunity to the Drugs Again
Little kid: I was born in India!
Older brother: No you weren't.
Little kid: Oh... The stupidness is coming back.
--Asian Peoples wing, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Lara
Power Corrupts, and Traffic Enforcement Power Corrupts Irrationally
Traffic cop: You can't walk now. Get a clue!
Man: I got a clue -- the 'Walk' sign!
Traffic cop: I don't give a shit what the sign says!
--52nd & 5th
And She's Not Your Real Mother
Father: That's the hotel where your mother and I stayed.
Girl: Where?
Father, pointing: There.
Girl: Is that a hotel?
Father: No.
Girl: Oh.
Father: So, obviously we didn't stay there. You should learn to listen.
--6th & Broadway
Overheard by: Angie
Who Let Johnny Knoxville Reproduce?
Four-year-old tourist kid: I farted!
Tourist dad: Give me a high five!
--C train
Good Thing You're Pretty
Little girl #1 looking at Manhattan Mini Storage poster: Do you know what 'suburb' means?
Little girl #2: Sunburns?
Little girl #1: Suburbs. 'Stuck in the suburbs.' They're boring. See that guy in his underwear? His house is in the suburbs.
Little girl #2: Sunburns?
--N train
Overheard by: LSB
The Not-So-Quick and the Dead
Guy #1: Yeah, so I was like, dead for two minutes.
Guy #2: Fuck yeah, dude! You fuckin' died! [High five] What was it like?
Guy #1: I dunno, dude, I was dead!
--Brooklyn Industries, Williamsburg
And These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For
Kid in stroller: I want rice!
Mom: You don't want no rice.
Kid: I don't want no rice.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: djingo
This Has Been Another Presentation of Alternate Histories
Man #1: Think about it, though -- all great men have a great woman supporting them, giving them confidence, encouraging them. No matter what happens, they know she will be there when they get home at night.
Man #2: Yeah. Imagine if Coretta Scott King had been a nag and laid it on him when he got home at night -- Dr. King, with all that shit he was dealing with, would've been like, 'Hell no, I'm movin' to Cali!'
Man #1: For reals!
--R train
That Crowd at the Olive Garden Was Only Like Family
Blonde: Fine, whatever, then I'll just paint a picture of your family so we never need to fucking talk about this again.
Brunette: You just don't get it!
--The Met
Causing a Second Manhole Explosion
Inquisitive teen: What happened?
Firefighter: The blob. Came out of the sewer. Went up some girl's cooch.
--Manhole explosion, East Village
Overheard by: Maxfield
I Wouldn't Be Surprised If Scientists Have Found a Way
Little boy: So, you're telling me boy cows don't have udders?
Father: Nope, they don't.
Little boy: Then how do you get milk from a boy cow?
Father: Well...
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: jackster
This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Woman #1: Whose urine is this in the kitchen?
Woman #2: What urine?
Woman #1: The urine in front of the microwave.
Woman #2: That's not where the urine goes.
--Office, UES
The Gospel According to Johanna
Preppy girl: He was nice -- really successful, owns his own apartment... I just wasn't into him. He kept trying to hook up and I just wanted to be left alone. He proceeded to jerk off into his pajama pants. Oh, and by the way, it took about 40 seconds. I didn't even have enough time to react. He then rolled over and went to sleep in it! The worst part is that he's still calling me. Hello, buddy -- you jerked off into your own pants and slept in your own cum. Yeah, we're not gonna work.
Guy friend: That's awesome! Who can I tell next?
--47th & Lex
Pity the Woman Who Lets a Gay Man Decorate Her Junk
Girl #1: So, Matt* is back with Della*.
Queer: Even though her vagina smells funny?
Girl #2: I need to pee, y'all.
--1 train
Overheard by: Dan
Rorschach Hands: the New Psychoanalytical Technique
Professor: When vassals would take an oath of loyalty they would kneel in front of the king and put their hands like this [puts hands in prayer position]. Now, what does this look like?
Student: A vagina?
Professor: No! Praying! It looks like praying!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Marina C
Headline by: belle
Runners-Up:
· "Either way, it helps to kneel." - Lindsey
· "From The Da Vinci Code's deleted scenes." - nick
· "In a refreshing move from the anus, today's headline contest is brought to you by the vagina. That's right, Overheard in New York is wiping back-to-front." - erak
· "Now Get Your Cock Up In This" - B.M.D.
· "Okay, maybe a LITTLE prayer in schools wouldn't hurt" - space coyote
· "Putting the Pussy on a Pedestal" - Clof
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Not on a Webcam Like Us
Hipster girl #1: Oh my god! Did you see her shorts?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I know. She might as well be fucking a black guy right here on the street corner.
--54th & 2nd
Overheard by: girl in shorts' friend
If He Gives a Shit about Cards, He Is
Girl trying to find a card for her boyfriend: See, this one is too girly. And this one is more boyish and really nice... but it's so sparkly!
Dude: Well, there are many sparkleful guys out there. Maybe your boyfriend is one.
--Hallmark Store, Staten Island Mall
You Done with That Needle?
Study group girl #1: I totally had no idea that hepatitis had anything to do with your liver.
Study group girl #2: Oh, I know! I thought it was just a disease. You know, like AIDS.
--Hormann Library, Wagner College, Staten Island
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Laugh Track
Queer on cell: ... And all this blood came out! It was really a lot... What? No, I told him to go in the bathroom and get cleaned up! Turkish prison? ... No, I get it, it's just not funny.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Flight attendant: Folks, we do ask if you have a turkey sandwich that you put some mustard on it and hand it to me as I walk down the aisle... Not funny? Oh, I thought it was.
--Jet Blue Flight 32 to Rochester, NY
Little girl to father: Everything in here is old and looks funny.
--Museum of Natural History
Guy: It wasn't funny until he hurt himself -- then it was fucking hilarious.
--Subway station, 28th & Park
Blonde: I'm not, like, racist or anything. I just think racism is really funny!
--Broadway
Overheard by: Homeless Guy
Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Drink and Download Music
First year law student on phone with mom: All I do anymore is study and have sex!
--Fordham University
Frat boy: ... But the thing that really almost got me kicked out of college was when we installed the zip line...
--14th & University
Overheard by: rachel
Bimbette: I feel, like, if you can read and write, you're set for life.
--1 train
Overheard by: Fatty McFingers
NYU ditz: Oh, I know, I love philosophy classes. You can just feel your mind turning in new ways, grasping at straws.
--Veselka
Overheard by: Bean
Blonde on cell: Well, duh, Dad. Obviously I wouldn't take an archeology class if I wasn't interested in what it's like to be an architect... Yeah, an archeologist -- that's exactly what I said.
--Lincoln Center
Girl to lab instructor: Should I start thinking now?
--Barnard College
La Cage Aux Wednesday One-Liners
Queer on cell: And then, at the end of the evening, I was like, 'Ta ta, motherfucker.'
--PATH train from Hoboken
Queer: There's no such thing as gay and straight. I think of it more in terms of what people will let me do to them.
--101st & Broadway
Queer: She is so annoying. I'm like, 'I'll pay for your coffin, just die already!'
--E train
Overheard by: Miss Meliss
Flaming queer on cell: Hello? Are you listening to me? Are you listening, faggot? Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!
--Broadway & Astor Pl
Overheard by: Renee B.
Proud queer: Today was the first time in years I peed like this! [Holds hands up] Didn't have to wash my hands because I didn't use 'em!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Hametuka
Queer: Her name is Dakota! It's just awful. Her parents hate her.
--Fordham Law School
Overheard by: emily
Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D...
Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.
--Christopher St
Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I'm drinking sangria!
--Nolita House, E Houston
Overheard by: amalthya
Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that's, like, hot.
--Cosi's, 13th & Broadway
Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: I wasn't Drunk Though
Man: So, the officer said to me, 'Ah, the old beer in a tube sock...'
--Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South
Overheard by: mrbojangles
NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Ryan Hague
Mom to two-year-old: We're going home now, and Mommy's going to make a big, fat cocktail.
--Citibabes, Soho
Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail
Female: I'm so thirsty I could almost drink water!
--Across from former Forward building
Overheard by: Avalanche
Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method
Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.
--Sephora, Broadway
Overheard by: linzz
Guy: ... So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth..."
--Spring St
Overheard by: boston bobby
College guy on cell: He was like, 'Shit, she's got a bun in the oven!' And I was like, 'Oh, shit!'
--Columbia University
Overheard by: roo
Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that's how he got her pregnant.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Wondering how that works
Preggers: I'm gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I'm not gonna have a miscarriage.
--Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I'm on my seventh month!
--Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th
Overheard by: EE Grimshaw
NYU girl on cell: ... So then the doctor comes in and he goes, 'Houston, we have a problem..." I know, right? What's with doctors trying to be all funny when they're telling you that you're pregnant?
--NYU bus
Overheard by: tj
Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops
Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!
--N train
Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why's it gotta be Kings Highway?
--B train, Kings Highway station
Overheard by: I feel his pain
Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you're screwed.
--1 train, 34th St
Overheard by: Nettle
Conductor: There's another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I'm sure there is another F train behind us.
--F train
Overheard by: I can see the light too
Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train... Oh... I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we're going uptown, so it doesn't matter.
--2 train
Overheard by: andy kleiman
Conductor: We're not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York's finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we're the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!
--A train, between 125th & 59th St
Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters
Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo' dick right now.
--Dense crowd, 4th & 6th
Overheard by: jealous?
Guy to friends: I'm not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.
--26th & 8th
Large black man: I'm grabbin' booties, so all y'all better move outta my way!
--37th & 7th
Overheard by: daniel
Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an' call me Mary Poppins...
--85th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mitorizu
Dude: My ass likes to eat things.
--76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Hew, the bird
Suit: Now there's an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!
--Time Square
Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don't show your butts to men -- cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.
--6 train
Overheard by: Zavreio