It's Like Learning the Truth about Santa All Over Again

Woman in wheelchair: These models are fantastic!
Man pushing her: These aren't models.
Woman in wheelchair: Oh, no!

--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Overheard by: Jablayblay

But I'm Sure He Could Read My Lips in His Rearview Mirror

Guido #1: So the fuckin' Chink cop hands me the ticket, and I say, 'Fuck you, ya fuckin' Chink-ass cocksucker. Take this ticket and shove it up your Chink ass, you lo mein-suckin', General Tso-fuckin', slanty-eyed fuck.'
Guido #2: You said that to him?!
Guido #1: Yeah, after he drove away.

--Kings Plaza Diner, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

At Least It's Not One of Those Bowls with Decorative Balls in It

Guy #1: My relationship isn't working out.
Guy #2: What's wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up today and realized there was a vase sitting on the mantle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no purpose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um... I think that's what vases usually do.
Guy #1: Exactly! That's why I didn't have any. They don't do anything. They're useless. There's absolutely no reason to have one, and now all of a sudden, I do. [Desperately] What has happened to me?!

--Downtown bus stop

Lee Harvey Oswald, Acting Alone

Catholic pre-K teacher: On Good Friday bad men killed Jesus and he died.
Four-year-old boy: Who killed Jesus?! I will kill him with my gun!

--Queens Catholic Elementary School

Overheard by: Sophia

Good Insincerity, but You Blew Your Line

Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.

Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child's mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don't hit people. That's not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy's eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]

--N train

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!

Jason's Walking-Around License Gets Revoked

Burly man who pulled frat boy out of tracks: Dude, are you drunk?
Frat boy: Ah... Ah... I don't know. I guess I had something to drink.
Burly man: Dude, next time you get on a train make sure it's there first!

--1-2-3 platform, 96th St

The Idea Seems So Tawdry Now That I'm Peeing

Drunk redhead: Oh my god. I totally tore Hannah's shirt tonight. I can't believe I did that.
Friend in stall: Oh, she doesn't even care, don't worry about it.
Drunk redhead: But that was a new shirt! No one had ever worn it before, and now I ripped it. I was going to tell her to make up a crazy sex story about how it got torn, but I don't know now.

--Restroom, Brother Jimmy's, 80th & Amsterdam

Actual Easter Bunny: That Hits a Little Too Close to Home

Teen #1: So this kid, Jason -- every time we go to a party, he takes a bunch of beers and hides them around whoever's house we're at.
Teen #2: You mean, where nobody could find them?
Teen #1: Yeah -- in a potted plant, an underwear drawer, the mailbox -- anywhere that will ensure him a beer later on.
Teen #2: Christ, he's like an alcoholic Easter Bunny.

--Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: derwin

How Lois Got a Sneezer

Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn't have to tell you my name -- what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird...

--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Pssst! -- I Think He Means "Beef Cheeks"

Chipotle guy: What kind of meat?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind?
Asian customer: Wedgie.
Chipotle guy: What kind of meat do you want?
Asian customer: Wedgie!
Chipotle guy: Spiced pork?
Asian customer: Vegetable!

--Chipotle, 23rd & 6th

Overheard by: I just wanted chicken

My Ringtone Is "Viva Kwangju"

Confused college student: My new cell phone is so ghetto. It lights up when it rings. It's like a Las Vegas show. But I think the inside is nice. It's like when you have a really crappy house, but it's well-decorated. Like, on the interior...
Queer friend: Yeah, that's how Koreans live.

--ArtePasta Restaurant, Greenwich Ave

Overheard by: Smarter College Student

Why Camus Wrote The Plague

Chick #1: You can't, like, wear all black.
Chick #2: Well, not unless you're a beatnik.
Chick #1: What's that?
Chick #2: You know, the guys who wear berets and play the bongos?
Chick #1: Like the French?
Chick #2: [Nods.]
Chick #1: Who knew they had bongos in France?!

--Manhattan-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Smarter than these two

Live Fast, Die Young, Get Lost on the Way to Hoboken

Bassist: This is going to Jersey, right?
Bandmate: Yeah, no one would let us go this far if we weren't.
Bassist: Yeah, we're going to Hoboken.
Bandmate: Is Hoboken a city?
Bassist: No, it's a street or avenue.
Bandmate: Hoboken Street, yeah.
Bassist: Yeah, we're definitely going to Jersey. Someone would tell us if we weren't.

--Crowded Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: brooklyn3

Steven Tyler Was in a Stall, and the Rest Is History

Attendant lady: Excuse me, this is the ladies' room.
Primping man: Oh! I'm just such a lady, sometimes I forget.

--Joe's Pub

She Bangs the Drummer Slowly

Woman: I said, 'You know -- percussion,' and she said, 'What's that? Like, horns?'
Man: Wow. And she's the assistant for Stewart Copeland?

--Elevator, Union Square

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

What's It Like?

Girl #1: What are you buying?
Girl #2: Glue.
Girl #1: Why?
Creepster behind them: For sex.
Girl #2: No.
Creepster: She's buying it for sex.
Girl #2: Actually, no.
Creepster: Glue is for sex.
Girl #2: No, it's for eyelashes.
Creepster: Haha. Sex.
Girl #2: It's glue.
Creepster: Oh, I thought you said, 'lube.' Lube is for sex.
Girls: [Silence.]
Creepster: Haha. Sex.

--Port Authority

Overheard by: Shubester

That's Some Sandwich

Mom to five-year-old son eating sandwich at a wake: Put that sandwich down! Your grandfather is dead and you're eating a sandwich!
Boy: [Spits out food and drops sandwich to floor] Is he alive now?

--Bronx

Overheard by: Culturally Confuzzled Human

Her Dreadlocks Were a Total Loss, Though

Chick #1: Yeah, she threw up in her bed.
Chick #2: And then she walked around throwing up all over the room.
Guy: Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise because it finally got her to wash her sheets.

--Houston & Broadway

And You Know They're a Gateway Snack Cake

Society woman #1: I had no idea she had fallen so far.
Society woman #2: I swear! Not one, not two, but three Ho Hos! And so I said, 'But this is only lunch!'

--52nd & 5th

I Must Be Developing an Immunity to the Drugs Again

Little kid: I was born in India!
Older brother: No you weren't.
Little kid: Oh... The stupidness is coming back.

--Asian Peoples wing, Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Lara

Power Corrupts, and Traffic Enforcement Power Corrupts Irrationally

Traffic cop: You can't walk now. Get a clue!
Man: I got a clue -- the 'Walk' sign!
Traffic cop: I don't give a shit what the sign says!

--52nd & 5th

And She's Not Your Real Mother

Father: That's the hotel where your mother and I stayed.
Girl: Where?
Father, pointing: There.
Girl: Is that a hotel?
Father: No.
Girl: Oh.
Father: So, obviously we didn't stay there. You should learn to listen.

--6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Angie

Who Let Johnny Knoxville Reproduce?

Four-year-old tourist kid: I farted!
Tourist dad: Give me a high five!

--C train

Good Thing You're Pretty

Little girl #1 looking at Manhattan Mini Storage poster: Do you know what 'suburb' means?
Little girl #2: Sunburns?
Little girl #1: Suburbs. 'Stuck in the suburbs.' They're boring. See that guy in his underwear? His house is in the suburbs.
Little girl #2: Sunburns?

--N train

Overheard by: LSB

The Not-So-Quick and the Dead

Guy #1: Yeah, so I was like, dead for two minutes.
Guy #2: Fuck yeah, dude! You fuckin' died! [High five] What was it like?
Guy #1: I dunno, dude, I was dead!

--Brooklyn Industries, Williamsburg

And These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For

Kid in stroller: I want rice!
Mom: You don't want no rice.
Kid: I don't want no rice.

--7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: djingo

This Has Been Another Presentation of Alternate Histories

Man #1: Think about it, though -- all great men have a great woman supporting them, giving them confidence, encouraging them. No matter what happens, they know she will be there when they get home at night.
Man #2: Yeah. Imagine if Coretta Scott King had been a nag and laid it on him when he got home at night -- Dr. King, with all that shit he was dealing with, would've been like, 'Hell no, I'm movin' to Cali!'
Man #1: For reals!

--R train

That Crowd at the Olive Garden Was Only Like Family

Blonde: Fine, whatever, then I'll just paint a picture of your family so we never need to fucking talk about this again.
Brunette: You just don't get it!

--The Met

Causing a Second Manhole Explosion

Inquisitive teen: What happened?
Firefighter: The blob. Came out of the sewer. Went up some girl's cooch.

--Manhole explosion, East Village

Overheard by: Maxfield

I Wouldn't Be Surprised If Scientists Have Found a Way

Little boy: So, you're telling me boy cows don't have udders?
Father: Nope, they don't.
Little boy: Then how do you get milk from a boy cow?
Father: Well...

--Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: jackster

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Woman #1: Whose urine is this in the kitchen?
Woman #2: What urine?
Woman #1: The urine in front of the microwave.
Woman #2: That's not where the urine goes.

--Office, UES

The Gospel According to Johanna

Preppy girl: He was nice -- really successful, owns his own apartment... I just wasn't into him. He kept trying to hook up and I just wanted to be left alone. He proceeded to jerk off into his pajama pants. Oh, and by the way, it took about 40 seconds. I didn't even have enough time to react. He then rolled over and went to sleep in it! The worst part is that he's still calling me. Hello, buddy -- you jerked off into your own pants and slept in your own cum. Yeah, we're not gonna work.
Guy friend: That's awesome! Who can I tell next?

--47th & Lex

Pity the Woman Who Lets a Gay Man Decorate Her Junk

Girl #1: So, Matt* is back with Della*.
Queer: Even though her vagina smells funny?
Girl #2: I need to pee, y'all.

--1 train

Overheard by: Dan

Rorschach Hands: the New Psychoanalytical Technique

Professor: When vassals would take an oath of loyalty they would kneel in front of the king and put their hands like this [puts hands in prayer position]. Now, what does this look like?
Student: A vagina?
Professor: No! Praying! It looks like praying!

--Fordham University

Overheard by: Marina C



Headline by: belle

Runners-Up:
· "Either way, it helps to kneel." - Lindsey
· "From The Da Vinci Code's deleted scenes." - nick
· "In a refreshing move from the anus, today's headline contest is brought to you by the vagina. That's right, Overheard in New York is wiping back-to-front." - erak
· "Now Get Your Cock Up In This" - B.M.D.
· "Okay, maybe a LITTLE prayer in schools wouldn't hurt" - space coyote
· "Putting the Pussy on a Pedestal" - Clof


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Not on a Webcam Like Us

Hipster girl #1: Oh my god! Did you see her shorts?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I know. She might as well be fucking a black guy right here on the street corner.

--54th & 2nd

Overheard by: girl in shorts' friend

If He Gives a Shit about Cards, He Is

Girl trying to find a card for her boyfriend: See, this one is too girly. And this one is more boyish and really nice... but it's so sparkly!
Dude: Well, there are many sparkleful guys out there. Maybe your boyfriend is one.

--Hallmark Store, Staten Island Mall

You Done with That Needle?

Study group girl #1: I totally had no idea that hepatitis had anything to do with your liver.
Study group girl #2: Oh, I know! I thought it was just a disease. You know, like AIDS.

--Hormann Library, Wagner College, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Laugh Track

Queer on cell: ... And all this blood came out! It was really a lot... What? No, I told him to go in the bathroom and get cleaned up! Turkish prison? ... No, I get it, it's just not funny.

--23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Flight attendant: Folks, we do ask if you have a turkey sandwich that you put some mustard on it and hand it to me as I walk down the aisle... Not funny? Oh, I thought it was.

--Jet Blue Flight 32 to Rochester, NY

Little girl to father: Everything in here is old and looks funny.

--Museum of Natural History

Guy: It wasn't funny until he hurt himself -- then it was fucking hilarious.

--Subway station, 28th & Park

Blonde: I'm not, like, racist or anything. I just think racism is really funny!

--Broadway

Overheard by: Homeless Guy

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Drink and Download Music

First year law student on phone with mom: All I do anymore is study and have sex!

--Fordham University

Frat boy: ... But the thing that really almost got me kicked out of college was when we installed the zip line...

--14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Bimbette: I feel, like, if you can read and write, you're set for life.

--1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

NYU ditz: Oh, I know, I love philosophy classes. You can just feel your mind turning in new ways, grasping at straws.

--Veselka

Overheard by: Bean

Blonde on cell: Well, duh, Dad. Obviously I wouldn't take an archeology class if I wasn't interested in what it's like to be an architect... Yeah, an archeologist -- that's exactly what I said.

--Lincoln Center

Girl to lab instructor: Should I start thinking now?

--Barnard College

La Cage Aux Wednesday One-Liners

Queer on cell: And then, at the end of the evening, I was like, 'Ta ta, motherfucker.'

--PATH train from Hoboken

Queer: There's no such thing as gay and straight. I think of it more in terms of what people will let me do to them.

--101st & Broadway

Queer: She is so annoying. I'm like, 'I'll pay for your coffin, just die already!'

--E train

Overheard by: Miss Meliss

Flaming queer on cell: Hello? Are you listening to me? Are you listening, faggot? Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!

--Broadway & Astor Pl

Overheard by: Renee B.

Proud queer: Today was the first time in years I peed like this! [Holds hands up] Didn't have to wash my hands because I didn't use 'em!

--Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Hametuka

Queer: Her name is Dakota! It's just awful. Her parents hate her.

--Fordham Law School

Overheard by: emily

Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D...

Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.

--Christopher St

Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I'm drinking sangria!

--Nolita House, E Houston

Overheard by: amalthya

Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that's, like, hot.

--Cosi's, 13th & Broadway

Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?

--LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: I wasn't Drunk Though

Man: So, the officer said to me, 'Ah, the old beer in a tube sock...'

--Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South

Overheard by: mrbojangles

NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!

--Midtown

Overheard by: Ryan Hague

Mom to two-year-old: We're going home now, and Mommy's going to make a big, fat cocktail.

--Citibabes, Soho

Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail

Female: I'm so thirsty I could almost drink water!

--Across from former Forward building

Overheard by: Avalanche

Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method

Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.

--Sephora, Broadway

Overheard by: linzz

Guy: ... So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth..."

--Spring St

Overheard by: boston bobby

College guy on cell: He was like, 'Shit, she's got a bun in the oven!' And I was like, 'Oh, shit!'

--Columbia University

Overheard by: roo

Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that's how he got her pregnant.

--Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Wondering how that works

Preggers: I'm gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I'm not gonna have a miscarriage.

--Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn

Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I'm on my seventh month!

--Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th

Overheard by: EE Grimshaw

NYU girl on cell: ... So then the doctor comes in and he goes, 'Houston, we have a problem..." I know, right? What's with doctors trying to be all funny when they're telling you that you're pregnant?

--NYU bus

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops

Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!

--N train

Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why's it gotta be Kings Highway?

--B train, Kings Highway station

Overheard by: I feel his pain

Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you're screwed.

--1 train, 34th St

Overheard by: Nettle

Conductor: There's another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I'm sure there is another F train behind us.

--F train

Overheard by: I can see the light too

Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train... Oh... I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.

--NJ Transit, Penn Station

Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we're going uptown, so it doesn't matter.

--2 train

Overheard by: andy kleiman

Conductor: We're not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York's finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we're the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!

--A train, between 125th & 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo' dick right now.

--Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I'm not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

--26th & 8th

Large black man: I'm grabbin' booties, so all y'all better move outta my way!

--37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an' call me Mary Poppins...

--85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

--76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there's an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

--Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don't show your butts to men -- cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

--6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio

Wednesday One-Liners of the Methane Planet

Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!

--Astor Pl

Overheard by: Allie

Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it's somebody else. We all know it's you.

--A train

Lady to friend: No, seriously! 'Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.

--Charlton & Varick St

Overheard by: sophie

Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!

--W 71st & Columbus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!

--Christopher St

Overheard by: Deeply Troubled

20-something chick on cell: No, it's ridiculous. She's afraid to shit in his house 'cause he thinks girls don't shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something... I hope she farts on his dick.

--1 train

Overheard by: jenny

Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted... Good morning, New York. I love you.

--Central Park

Overheard by: AMOS

Wednesday One-Liners Hear the Call of Cthulhu

Hobo to teen girl with red hands: Wow, your hands are so red. You must have a condition. Yeah, that's what it must be, a condition. You know, I have a condition, too. I'm a werewolf.

--4 train

Girl: Jewish lesbians? Are you kidding me? They don't exist. That's like vampire cowboys.

--16th St & Park Ave South

Overheard by: C-Star

30-ish alternaguy: No, man, he was like a mer-wolf... You know, like a mermaid and a werewolf in one.

--Spring & Lafayette

Hot blonde: But we really are just male elves with long hair and boobs!

--140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Three-Headed Monster

Dude on cell: Yeah and then she started whinnying in excitement right on top of me, like a fucking unicorn or some shit... Yeah, I guess it was pretty hot.

--Fordham University

Overheard by: Shane

Small, excited Mexican child: Is it zombies? I know -- it's the Grim Reaper!

--D train, 36th St atation

Overheard by: Jon A.

High-Motility Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It's also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.

--NYU classroom

Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I've been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.

--44th & 8th

Sex ed teacher: The penis can't urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.

--Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope

Overheard by: i believe it's ejaculate

Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she's supposed to get that on her face!

--Times Square

Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don't have any sperm!

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive... Yeah, they said it was no big deal.

--114th & Amsterdam

Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we're on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.

--Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Argopelter

Wednesday One-Liners Remember the Depression

Old woman laughing for no apparent reason: We seem like we're on something!

--52nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants

Chick: He's not a stalker, he's just this old guy who follows me home.

--Fried Dumpling

Very old lady to another: Last time you fell down it cost 10 thousand dollars.

--Central Park

Teen guy to two pals: Think about an 80-year-old woman. How many dicks has she seen in her lifetime? A lot.

--Ground Zero

Old woman to car with right of way turning into intersection: Just keep driving, you fucking maniac! It's fucking Christmas, you bastard!

--54th & 3rd

Overheard by: cordy

Woman outside stall: I'm throwing my dad a birthday party because he's turning 90 and he's not dead yet.

--Restroom, Jane restaurant, W Houston, between LaGuardia & Thompson

Overheard by: Colleen!

Old lady, about old guy with walker: We'll be going to that funeral soon.

--West Way Cafe

Overheard by: EmilyPicard

Wednesday One-Liners Missed That Week in Health Class

Boy to friends: Last one to the car has herpes!

--Hylan Blvd, Staten Island

NYU co-ed to another: You gotta put on your STD face!

--Union Square

Overheard by: Jatmos

Drunk girl yelling at drunk guy down the street: I'm pretty sure I haven't contracted anything from anyone tonight!

--12th & 3rd

20-something chick: How come all the nice guys I meet always have some sort of STD?

--Lincoln Center

Drunk NYU chick: You're gay and you go to NYU -- there's no reason why your love life shouldn't be flourishing... except AIDS.

--Union Square

Overheard by: that guy

Blonde: Just because you have syphilis doesn't mean I have to listen to you!

--Max Breener's Chocolate Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: Eskimo Child

Chick on cell: Brian? I love Brian... even though he gave me the herpe.

--E 9th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Raven

Which, According to Our Bylaws, I Must Now Give to You

White office guy: When somebody says 'nigga,' how do you know if they're saying 'nigga' or 'nigger'?
Black office guy: That's easy -- 'nigger' is followed by an ass-whoopin'.

--Restaurant, Park Ave South

Overheard by: Big Larry

But Your Girlfriend's a Loser

Dude #1: Whoa, this year is double-oh-seven.
Dude #2: That's so freaking cool.
Chick: I don't get it. How is that cooler than last year being double-oh-six?
Dude #1: Because Alec Trevelyan was a dick.
Dude #2: ... Did you ever know that you're my hero?

--Carlyle Court, 25 Union Square West

So How Do You Explain Rosie O'Donnell?

Girl: Ellen DeGeneres is pretty funny.
Boy: And by funny you mean what?
Girl: ... A lesbian.

--10th & 5th

Uncle Walter Finally Gets the Recognition He Deserves

Man to four-year-old with her mom: Aren't you a cute little lady?
Mom: Ain't you the one that was on the predator show on NBC?

--F train

Much Funnier That Way, We Think

Man: I don't like women. I like little boys.
Lady: Um, that's the only line of that conversation I heard...

--McSorley's

Are You Rude? ... Wait, I Know This One...

Guy, about man on Bluetooth ear piece: Man, look at that guy. He's nuts.
Girl: Oh, geez. He's just on the phone.
Guy, to Bluetooth man: Are you crazy? She doesn't think so.

--Near City Hall

Overheard by: Matt

I Don't Like This Game

NYU girl #1: Okay, so we're all really, really mad at Paul.
NYU girl #2: What'd he do?
NYU girl #1: Nothing, but it's us versus him.

--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square

So When's Your Labia Surgery?

Homely hipster girl: So, we went to that panties party on Saturday night...
Cute hipster girl: And?!
Homely hipster girl: I went home with Adam.
Cute hipster girl: Oooh, how was it?
Homely hipster girl: Ummm, it was okay, except he's like, not circumcised. He's European or Jewish or something. So, like, I didn't know what to do.
Cute hipster girl: Weird. That's like when women have pubes. It's, like, gross. Who has pubes on their vag anymore?
Homely hipster girl: Girl pubes are really '80s. But not, like, in a cute way.

--Dressing room, Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th

Wait... Ugly Women with Handsome Men?

Chick: She has low self-esteem.
Dude: She should. She's mad ugly.
Chick: I've known people who are ugly but really beautiful.
Dude: No.
Chick: No, really! I've seen ugly men with beautiful women and ugly women with handsome men.
Dude: I'm dumb-shallow. If you don't look good, you can't be my friend.
Chick: But you're judging people. Like God.
Dude: Fuck that. I pay my own rent. I don't need anybody. I'm straight, but all my guy friends look good. If you're ugly, you can't be my friend. I'm dumb-shallow. [A few minutes later] Yo, if someone says I don't look good, somethin's wrong with them or their eyes, 'cause I look good.

--4 train, rush hour

Overheard by: Veej

She Soaks Them in Beer Every Morning

Girl to friends: Oh, yeah, and he kissed Emily's hand goodbye.
Emily: Yeah, I get that a lot...

--Residence hall, 26th St

Overheard by: Ashley

We Only Burn Down Buildings in Iraq

British man: Has anyone burned down his house yet?
British woman: No, love, we don't do that here.

--Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

The Beastie Boys' Condo is Downtown

Guy looking at billboard at construction site: The 'One Ill Building'? That's a stupid name for an apartment building!
Friend: You're the dumbass. That says the 'O'Neill Building.'

--21st & 6th

Overheard by: Pierce

But Then She Kicked Me in the Teeth with a Timberland

Teen #1: So, did your friend come by?
Teen #2: Yeah, for a quick hot minute. And girl, she's sooo skinny. And she's pregnant... And she's a lesbian.
Teen #1: Ohhh...
Teen #2: I told her she could be on Jerry Springer.

--4 train

Overheard by: NinjaRider

Why So Many People Live in Penn Station

Tourist: Excuse me, where's the nearest exit?
Janitor: Uh, which exit?
Tourist: Any exit to get out of here.
Janitor: Anywhere.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Jordan

Bill Gates: Eeexcellent!

Man #1: Did you hear about Anna Nicole Smith?
Man #2: Yeah, I get news updates on my website. When I read that she was hospitalized I just kept refreshing the page until, finally, she was dead.
Man #1: Dude, that's not right.

--Elevator, 25th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

And They Decided to Go with Beef Instead of Salmon?!

Guy #1: Hey... Ummm, by any chance did you get some sort of invitation in the mail from Jerry and Marcia?
Guy #2: I know! Who the fuck gets their 13-year-old circumcised in front of public masses like that?

--14th & 7th

Someone Out There for Everybody

Frat boy #1: She smelled like... You know that smell, when you eat asparagus, and then take a piss.
Frat boy #2: No, wait, I kinda like that smell.

--10th & 1st

Overheard by: Katie

I Avoided the Lease-End Mileage Penalties

Young woman #1: So, my niece just gave him a blowjob... I'm so thankful.
Young woman #2: I know, right?

--A train, W 4th St

Overheard by: Paco

What Brand, Damn It, What Brand?

Girl to friend: I can't decide which brand of shampoo and conditioner I want this time.
Random shopper, pointing to bottle: Get this kind. It made my pubes soft and wispy.

--CVS Pharmacy, Union Square

Overheard by: hoken chong

Roll Tape, Please

Kid in baggy pants: What do you mean, you're a virgin?
Kid shooting pool: Dude, I'm totally a virgin.
Kid in baggy pants: Trust me, you're not a virgin.

--Pool hall near NYU

Overheard by: DJ

And She Named the End Product 'Suri Cruise'

Thug #1: She got an abortion?
Thug #2: Bitch had a exorcism.

--N train

Overheard by: lindsey

... Followed by a Mudslide

Hoochie #1: Let's do tequila shots!
Hoochie #2: No way. The last two times I did tequila shots I did anal.

--Freeman's

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo



Headline by: Evan Allgood

Runners-Up:
· "Correlation does not imply causation" - Devon Brady
· "Mexicans always come through the back door." - Sean
· "Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady" - briguy
· "One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Whore!" - Queen Pia
· "Tell me about it" - Janet E.


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Voyage to the Islands

Stoner #1 reading Hustler: Hey... Hey, man, check this out -- I... like... it... when... my... boyfriend? ... And... I... do... it... in... the... Oh, bathroom!
Stoner #2: You alright man?
Stoner #1: I can't read... or... something.
Stoner #2: I never read Hustler. There's no point, man. Right?
Stoner #1: I have no idea, but it's hot.
Stoner #2: You wanna get some weed?
Stoner #1: Is there weed in [reads screen] ... Ronkork? Rangenkem? Bombonkama? Uh...
Stoner #2: Ronkonkoma?
Stoner #1: Yeah!

--Penn Station

I Told You to Buy the Maintenance Contract

Girl #1: It got on my vagina! Now, that's fucking nasty! I have to go home now and wash off my vagina!
Girl #2: Well, of course if you go in there at the same time and try to pee it's going to get on your vagina. Calm down.
Girl #1: I can't calm down! I can't believe it's all over my fucking vagina!

--Bathroom, LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Why There Are So Many Starbucks

Tourist lady #1: I can't believe they only have five stalls in here!
Tourist lady #2: Oh, you just wait until you get into the city -- there's less there!
Tourist lady #1: Oh...
Tourist lady #2: Yeah, you'll be peeing in your cup!
Woman stranger in stall: I've done that!

--Bathroom, JFK

I Feel Dirty Even Talking about It

Newspaper guy: Free Post! Free New York Post right here!
Suit: Not if you paid me.
Newspaper guy: Yeah, don't blame you... Free Post!

--Wall St & Broadway

Overheard by: NYT reader

I'm Hardly Gay at All Anymore

Guy: You know, I can never be in the Air Force.
Girl: Well, not really. There's always the whole 'Don't tell' thing.
Guy: But it's on my record!
Girl: What? Did you have to file for your gay card or something?
Guy: ... I meant because of my bad vision!

--Metro-North train

March of the Penguins Affects Everyone Differently

NYU student #1: Ew! That movie was like porn!
NYU student #2: I don't know why we watched that in class!
NYU student #3: Disgusting!

--Outside lecture hall, Silver Center

You Say All I Have to Do Is Drink Three Glasses of Butter a Day?

WASP #1: You look so tan!
WASP #2: Oh, no, it's actually just high blood pressure.
WASP #3: Well, it sure suits you!

--Armory Show

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Ask Unspeakable Questions...

Father in a playful voice: Vagina? What's in your vagina?
Four-year-old daughter: A wedgie!

--Canal & Bowery

Overheard by: NikkI W.

Cat: I'm on the Verge of Suicide

Hipster cashier: Yeah, and when I'm not working here, I just sit on MySpace and take pictures of my cat and shit.
Female customer: Sounds like the life...

--Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: catherine

At Auditions for a Revival of You Can't Do That on Television

Dude: What happened?
Soaked chick: I dunno. There was like a 'Grrr' and then a like 'Woosh' and then like a 'Splat' and then I was like, 'What the fuck...'
Dude: Oh. That explains it.

--50th & Lex

Nature: 1 Nurture: 0

Little boy #1: You remember we don't like girls, right? I don't like girls.
Little boy #2: Yeah, but you should have worn your dinosaur shirt. They're very in today.

--LIRR

Ignorance of the Law is No Excuse

Man #1: Yo, man. I hate the holidays.
Man #2: Yeah, I know.
Man #1: All them damned people come. Subways get so crowded. And yo, man, men try to stand behind my woman!
Man #2: That's not right.
Man #1: I'll hit you if you stand behind my woman, I don't care if it's Christmas. That's my woman, man. Only I get to stand behind my woman.
Man #2: That's your right, man.
Man #1: Damned tourists don't know how it works here, man.

--4 train

Overheard by: Redshikari

Are You Still Having Fun?

Little girl: Look, Mommy! Those two girls are wearing angel wings.
Hipster chick #1: Actually, they're fairy wings.
Little girl: Why are you wearing fairy wings?
Hipster chick #2: We just felt like wearing them for fun.
Crazy guy: Hey, ladies! Nice wings. You could definitely be my angels.
Hipster chick #1: Goddammit. They're fucking fairy wings!

--St. Mark's Pl

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Or a Woman Who Only Knows One Word

Boy: Sometimes when I get massages I get super hard and try to think of anything I can to make it go down.
Woman: Baseball?
Boy: Like, the most disgusting, boring, wrong thing I can possibly imagine...
Woman: Baseball?

--Jackson Steak House

Alternate Side of the Street Parking Is at the Top of the List

Woman: Have a good new year.
Crazy old lady: What? When's that?
Woman: Tomorrow.
Crazy old lady: You earthlings have the strangest ideas.

--Dog park, E 86th St

Although a Kiss on the Hand Can Be Quite Continental

Queer on cell: Should I decorate my balls with diamonds?
Random passerby: Yeah!

--Broadway

Overheard by: K the Bomb

I Wish I'd Gotten a Chance to See Where My Ancestors Were Tortured, When I Was a Girl!

Daughter: Yeah, we really wanna do the summer program in Germany.
Mom: Germany? Isn't it weird that a Jewish school has a program in Germany, where the Nazis are?
Daughter: [Silence.]
Friend: Well, they take you on tours of the concentration camps...
Mom: Oh, that's why they have it in Germany!

--Macy's

Unregistered and Looking for Fun

Chick #1: You're a sadist!
Chick #2: Yeah, but I'm a nice sadist! I'm like the friendly neighborhood sadist.

--Starbucks

Hmmm... Now I'm Feeling a Little Better

NYU girl: ... So I, like, know that I got half of the questions right.
NYU guy: So, what about the other 20 percent?

--Queens-bound N train

Overheard by: ADC

Just Send Me a Text

Brooklyn guy #1: Let me tell you something...
Brooklyn guy #2: No, don't even bother.

--B100 bus, Marine Park

Overheard by: vaughn

Charlton Heston: Bitch Soup Is People!

Middle-aged black dude #1: I wanted to take Shaquan for the weekend, and you know what that bitch told me? She said she was taking him to his grandmother's house!
Middle-aged black dude #2: Man, what's with that woman? She don't let you see your kids!
Middle-aged black dude #1: His grandmother don't need to see him. She's too old to see, anyway! I ain't seen Shaquan since Ju-ly! That's fucked up. I should kill that bitch.

Old Asian lady walks through the train selling noisemakers and batteries.

Middle-aged black dude #1: And why is it when I'm selling bootleg DVDs in a primarily black neighborhood, all the police see is me? When I'm around all black people! But don't nobody say nothin' when this Asian chick sells this junk. Then I'm in jail and this bitch is selling. Then they tell me, 'You can't get out until you pay.' How I'ma make money if I'm in jail, fool?
Middle-aged black dude #2: Heh heh heh. Right, right. But fo' real, though, you should kill that bitch!
Middle-aged black dude #1: For real. I should. Shit's fucked up. I don't care about her pussy -- I can get another pussy. 'Scuse my language. No offense, ladies. I can get another bitch to fuck, but that's my kid! I'ma kill that bitch. I'ma chop her up! I used to be a butcher, man. I'ma chop her up. Make bitch soup! And sell it to the homeless.

--A train

Overheard by: Melody SW

Nicely Deflected!

Dude #1: So, what's the verdict with you two?
Girl: Verdict? Huh?
Dude #1: You know -- what's the verdict?
Dude #2: He wants to know what's up between you and me.
Girl: Oh. Verdict. That's an awfully big word.

--Flatbush-bound 2 train

Overheard by: Sonia

Unfortunately, the Crime Scene Had Already Been Thoroughly Dusted

Young woman: You felt me up while I was asleep!
Lying man: How do you know, if you were asleep?
Young woman: You stuck your fingers in my pussy while I was asleep!
Lying man: Why would I do that? There's nothing in there that I was looking for.
Lying man's lawyer: Come on, don't argue with her.
Young woman: If they find your fingerprints in my pussy you're going to jail, motherfucker!
Lying man, taunting: What if I wore gloves?
Young woman: Hear that? He confessed!

--Hallway, Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Not a Good One, Though

Brooklyn guy: Cute kid you got there. How old is he?
Short-haired mom: She is 20 months.
Brooklyn guy: Oh, 'she.' Sorry, I didn't realize...
Short-haired mom: That's because gender is performance.
Brooklyn guy: [Sips coffee.]

--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd

Overheard by: the nearby barista

Although We All Start Out That Way

Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago... with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren't blonde, and we aren't perky!

--6 train

Stupid Dyslexia

Guy: You know what? Fuck you! F-C-U... Goddammit.
Girl: That's right, dumbass!

--Lincoln Center

Overheard by: laughing my ass off

And I'm Not Going to Explain Why Urban Outfitter-Wearing Motherfuckers Are Sellouts to a 30-Year-Old

Tween girl #1: That's a girl's shirt!
Guy in light blue shirt with pink flower on the back that says 'Mom's Weekend '04': No, it's not. It's a man's shirt.
Tween girl #2: No, that's a girl's shirt you have on.
Guy: I'm not going to explain irony to a 12-year-old.

--Target, Queens

Overheard by: Oh, Queens

Ah, the City of Lights

Bimbette: So, where you going for winter break?
Idiot dude: Switzerland.
Bimbette: Oh, cool, cool... What do they speak there, again?
Idiot dude: I dunno...
Bimbette: Hmmm... Dutch?
Idiot dude: Yeah, yeah, Dutch!

--78th St, between Park & Madison

Overheard by: dont speak ever again

The Guy with the Long Arms?

Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can't you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don't you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!

--In front of ticket machines, Union Station

Overheard by: didn't want to get involved

Well, 'Hotel' Means 'Bar' and 'Girls' Means 'Boys'

Queer #1 on cell: Hey, Dad! Yeah, I'm at the hotel in Midtown right now... Yep, it's just me... I think a couple of girls are coming over later... Haha, yeah, you know how I roll with them. I'll talk to you later, Dad [hangs up].
Queer #2: Liar, liar, pants on fire!

--Broadway & Broome

Overheard by: django

It's Like Pasta, Kid -- Same Stuff, Different Shapes

Four-year-old #1 holding out a gummy snack: Is this a Pygmy Marmoset?
Four-year-old #2: That's a elephant!
Four-year-old #2's mom: It's an elephant.
Four-year-old #1: Ugh. I wanted a Pygmy Marmoset.

--Metro-North to Grand Central

Just Another Five Minutes, Mom

Woman tapping bum who passes out leaning against newly-arrived train: Excuse me, sir... Sir! You're leaning against the train and it's about to leave!
Bum: Oh! Huh? Thank you.
Woman: Excuse me, sir? You're still on the train... Get off of that train, you fucking bum!
Bum: Yes ma'am!

--Downtown 6 platform, Grand Central

Overheard by: off white

10 Bucks Says This Is a Behavioral Science Experiment

Two moms enter with two sleepy 12-year-old girls and a 14-year-old boy.

Mom #1 to boy: Hey! Do that dance! Do your dance and ask everyone for money! Come on, get some change! [Boy sits next to a reading girl and leans on her.] Don't you want money? Ask that girl for some money! Oh, hey, did I tell you the best thing about prison? They let you smoke up in there.
Girl #1: Weed?
Mom #2: The trick is getting friendly with the guards. You can't just do it any time you want.
Mom #1: That's right, because you gotta get a job in prison. I got three jobs. Hey! What's that girl got? What's she got? Hey, find out what's she got!
Boy: Book! Hey. Book!
Mom #1: Book! Haha! You know what you need, son, is pussy. White pussy. White pussy that knows how to read. She'll take care of you so you can do your business.
Old man enters train, looks at seat next to girls: Can I sit here?
Girl #2: Uh, no.
Mom #2: Move your fucking ass, you lazy fucking piece of shit! No manners -- my kids got no manners.

--F train from Queens to Brooklyn

Overheard by: Reading girl

This Is One Family You Don't Walk Away From

Little girl: Sat-ur-day, Sat-ur-day, Sat-ur-day... I'm going to blow your head off.
Dad: Yeah?

--34th & 9th

Overheard by: Kevin Frost

Didn't I Warn You to Stay Away from the Kennedys?

Jewish chick #1: ... So basically what you're saying is, you got drunk, went to his apartment, and he raped you?
Jewish chick #2: I guess, technically, yeah. But he was totally hot and his apartment was amazing, so whatever.

--H&M, Soho

Overheard by: lc

At the Bad Date Semifinals

Preppy girl with Starbucks cup: That was some shitty-ass coffee.
Preppy guy: Speaking of shitty, Cap'n Nemo's got nothin' on me. I shat a white whale in there. It was two feet long and, I'm tellin' you, it was white! Like, white and one solid length! Took it first try, though. They have good toilets.

--PATH, Christopher St station

Overheard by: Zenana

Wait, So Where Are We, Again?

Chick #1: Which one of these countries does not border Argentina? Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, or Bolivia?
Chick #2: Peru, duh.
Chick #3: Obviously. [Makes note on paper, reading aloud] Peru, Europe.
Chick #2: Peru's not in Europe, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, because all the other countries are in South America, the reason Peru isn't connected is because it's in Europe!

--NYU

But Let's Not Talk about Eggs, Okay?

40-ish woman: I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but I feel like people are looking at us when we're together and wondering why I'm so much older...
20-ish guy: You shouldn't let it get to you. Look, you're not an egg salad sandwich -- you're not going to go bad after a certain date.
40-ish woman: That's a beautiful thing to say.
20-ish guy: Yes, I'm quite a catch! You should be enjoying it more and worrying less!

--Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Ummm, Yeah... So, Same Sentiment, Switch Boy for Girl

Drunk girl: Happy New Year!
Long-haired child: Happy New Year!
Drunk girl: What's your name?
Long-haired child: Slater.
Drunk girl: Slayer?
Long-haired child: Slate-er.
Drunk girl: That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Long-haired child: I'm a boy.

--W 113th St

Maps Only Work When You Know Where You Are

Tourist lady #1 looking at map: I don't get it. I don't see Rockefeller Center. Where's the tree?
Tourist lady #2: I don't know. Do you just want to try and find Times Square instead?

--Times Square

Yeah, I Love Trenton in the Springtime

Chick #1: I can't wait to hang out next semester!
Chick #2: Oh, I won't be here.
Chick #1: Where are you going?
Chick #2: Dude, I'll be in Paris for spring semester.
Chick #1: What? Who from Jersey goes to Paris?
Chick #2: Hello, Liz from Jersey.
Chick #1: Dude, you're gonna miss Jersey so much!
Chick #2: I know.
Chick #1: Yeah, Paris is so lame. You so shouldn't go.

--Columbia University

In One Case, Thousands of Greek Soldiers

Puerto Rican teen #1: That's nothing. I seen a horse give birth on the TV. That baby horse just come outta the big horse butt all slimy and shit.
Puerto Rican teen #2: Oh, snap?
Puerto Rican teen #1: For real, yo. That's some big stuff comin' outta your butt if you're a horse and shit...

--14th St, between Ave A & Ave B

I Can Afford to Be

Chick #1: I don't want to hook up with her again.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: I don't like her eyebrows. They're too bushy. Is that bad? I'm picky.

--Duane Reade

Overheard by: Justin

Don't Embarrass Me, Okay?

Mom: So, is Alex Rodriguez black or Hispanic?
Boy: He's married.

--Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Bobby

Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places

Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.

--50th & 6th

And I Wanted Him to Shave Me

Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.

--NY Comic Con, Javits Center

Overheard by: Kevin Frost

Absolutely Nothing -- But It Was the Way I Said It

College guy: Cannibal fetus appendix fucker!
Thug: Who are you callin' a can-- What the fuck was it you said?

--R train

It's More of a Character Immersion Technique

Frustrated boyfriend: Stop acting stupid!
Frantic girlfriend: I'm not acting!

--A train

Overheard by: SarahJ

Some Telemarketers Will Try Anything

Crazy guy: Have you ever sniffed some good ass?
Suit: Huh?
Crazy guy: Have you ever smelled some really good asshole?
Suit: I would say... yes, I have. But I don't really want to discuss it with you, okay?

--E 42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Big Larry



Headline by: space coyote

Runners-Up:
· "It's Between Me and My Mother" - King of the Jews
· "It's really more a question of taste..." - Rusty
· "Not now, Dad." - again.
· "Wall Street's Don't Sniff and Tell policy" - Ceetar
· "What Happens at an HMO-covered Therapy Session" - Barry Negrin


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Hate Performance Reviews

Teacher #1: We could videotape each other.
Teacher #2: And then we could put different names on them.

--Teacher's lounge

Because Harlem Is Lovely This Time of Year

Student: What's the closest subway station that will get us to the Bronx?
Hotel worker: Are you sure that's where you wanna get?

--Radisson Hotel

This Is How They Recruit

Tourist, after receiving directions: Thanks! Very good hotdogs!
Hotdog vender: Same to you!

--W 57th & 6th

Overheard by: Meredith W

Wednesday One-Liners Throw Their Pennies Down the Well

Dude: Man, I wish I had a doorknob.

--34th & 8th

Hustler on cell: I just wish you wasn't being all one-track-mind-your-own-business about this.

--Chinatown

Hobo: Can anybody help a disabled Navy veteran get something to eat? If you help me buy a sandwich, you'll get a 2007 Zagat for half price. [A suit gives him money but declines the Zagat.] Okay, but I really wish someone would buy the Zagat.

--4 train

Overheard by: Fagat

Guy on cell: You just wish you were my baby's mama!

--Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Hipster: ... So he said, 'I wish Jesus was alive now. I'd invite him to join MySpace.com and I'd force him to be my friend.'

--Q train crossing the East River

Overheard by: Beth Smith

Wednesday One-Liners Get Acculturated

TA: Is anyone in here Canadian? Good. I didn't want to offend anyone.

--NYU

Woman with thick German accent about people with thick Indian accents: You can't understand anything these people say because of their accents!

--LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Lolo

Girl on cell: They are Mexicans dressed up as soccer moms in minivans dressed up as dirty Mexicans, and on the back of their minivans they have a Mexican flag and a bumper sticker that says, 'Cross country is my favorite sport'!

--Train from Secaucus to Penn Station

Overheard by: uulovesuu

Foreign street vendor to another: If you kill a German, it's different.

--Prince & Greene St

Shocked waiter to very smug waiter: Whoa! You're even more expensive than a Russian girlfriend!

--Bread restaurant, Prince St

Overheard by: Sheila Michaels

Wednesday One-Liners Have Certain Reservations

Ugly chick: Donovan's is a restaurant suggestion, not an invitation to my pussy!

--Bar

Overheard by: kathy

Dude to friends: When I go out to eat it's usually, like, places where I can take off all my clothes.

--Brunch, Renaissance Diner

Overheard by: ctoe

Chatty woman in robe: And I thought, this would never happen in New York. In New York you would call and they would say, 'If you can't find our restaurant, you're too stupid to eat here.'

--Bliss Spa, E 57th St

Short black teen: Yo, once I was in this fancy restaurant, and pâté was on the menu, and my friend said, 'Yo, what the hell is pate?' I was like, 'That's pâté, negro!'

--16th & 1st

Overheard by: A laughing classmate

Uptown bimbette: I read about this place. It's George Clooney's new restaurant.

--Café Cluny, W 4th St & W 12th St

Overheard by: Pugparents

Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question

CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer... What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren't they the same?

--Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza

Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?

--Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Adriane S

Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?

--Mailroom, PR firm

HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?

--1/9 train, 14th St

Overheard by: LA Law Girl

Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?

--Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park

Overheard by: R&S

NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?

--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq

Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?

--6 train, 86th St

Wednesday One-Liners Pick Up Boys in the Frozen Food Aisle

Poli-Sci professor: ... And the FCC makes rulings so that you can't show nipples at the Super Bowl.

--Hunter College

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Girl: Wouldn't it be weird to kill someone using only your nipples?

--Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Tan chick: I don't want those black bitches looking at my nipples.

--L train

20-ish broad: I just don't think the tassles are big enough to fit over my nipples.

--Momofuku Ssam Bar, 13th & 2nd

Overheard by: McFreaky

Ghetto dude rapping to friends: Yo, the hash balls there are bigger than your girl's nipples!

--E 4th St & Ave A

Overheard by: punkee

Nerd: My nipples are so hard they could pick a lock.

--Javits Center

Overheard by: Allisa

Sorostitute: Tonight would have been so much better if my nipple hadn't exploded.

--Marriott, Times Square

If Wednesday One-Liners Did It

Woman on cell: Are you really surprised that Marcus turned out to be a serial killer?

--Times Square

Overheard by: shex

College dude on cell: No, the entire male species is going to die, remember?

--Times Square

Overheard by: glad i'm a girl.

Aviator-wearing rocker wannabe: Dude, seriously, think about it. Why aren't there more serial killers?!

--Union Square West at 16th St

Guy: You know, I pray for the days when I find bodies...

--Lorimer St & Metropolitan Ave

Columbia newspaper reporter: Dude, you can't just kill one person and be a serial killer. You have to work up to being a serial killer.

--Columbia Spectator Office

Overheard by: And you know from experience?

Cashier to friend: Yeah, there's this couple that comes in every week and rents serial killer movies.

--Brooklyn Video Rental Store

Overheard by: tiff

Conductor: Thank you for riding MTA, and remember to smile. You'll confuse the people who want to kill you!

--L train

Overheard by: Paige

Norman Rockwell's Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Well, it would be really nice if I could sleep with your sister.

--Washington Sq South

White girl: Well, if I'm so white, why do I have an uncle named Juan?!

--Hunter College

Scandinavian-looking girl: My mama has brothers who were Nazis. That's why we don't talk to them anymore. Oh, and because they're dead, too.

--Bloomingdales

Girl crying and pleading with bouncer after he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It's my sister's, and she's dead!

--Union Bar, Park Ave South

Overheard by: BOB Sled

Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I'm gonna fuck your daughter up!

--H&M, Herald Square

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I told her if she don't sign it, I'm gonna dig Daddy up and set him on her porch.

--18th & Park

Overheard by: Tony Jones

Woman on cell: Do we have a conscious grandmother or an unconscious grandmother? ... Oh, goood!

--Macy's

Overheard by: white_on_white

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Feel Their Fingers

Hobo: Get your snowball here! 20 bucks for a snowball! You won't find another one of these for miles!

--43rd & Broadway

Trendy young woman: So, I went out to walk the dog this morning and was like, 'What is this shit falling from the sky? First it was that funky smell from Jersey, now crap falling from the sky.' Then I realized it was snowing.

--Midtown

Overheard by: Nic

Old lady to cat she's pushing in stroller: It's fucking cold out here!

--Stuyvesant Town, 18th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Incredulous drunk guy with large snowball: Man, I wish this was cocaine.

--E 4th & Bowery

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to JFK, New York. The local time is 1:30 in the morning, the weather is... really cold.

--United landing in New York early in the morning

Conductor: You know, the trick to dealing with this weather is mind over matter. If you don't mind the snow, it doesn't matter.

--Queens-bound 7 train

Deliberately Obfuscating Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to 13-year-old boy: Honey, that was really scatological.

--Bleecker & 6th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Woman: No, tiny Katie -- the one with the enormous mammary protruberances.

--R train, Queens Plaza

Overheard by: I mean I wanna squeeze 'em!

Suit mom to teen daughter: We should go, but before we do, perhaps we should urinate.

--Barnes & Noble, Court St

Overheard by: Zenana

Dude: I have many ways to distance myself from other people. Primarily gastronomically.

--12th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: tbull

Man on cell: I am so not litigious. I am, like, violently not litigious.

--66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nora

Girl: I mean, come on! We're in college! Can't the word 'silly' stay in the dorms? I mean, there's a dictionary full of words that could be used to describe something so... erroneous.

--Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Wednesday One-Liners Meet Their Totem Animals

Teen girl to teen boy: It's all your fault! Whenever I spend the night with you, the animals suffer.

--Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Zoe

Scene kid: So yeah, he texted me the other day saying, 'Have you ever seen 30 orphans in a bar before? Me neither. Not until tonight.' Yeah, they were on their way to a snake farm or something.

--R train

Overheard by: The Bostonian

Woman on phone: Snookie poo... You're my snookie poo, chipmunk... You mad, chipmunk? Yeah, you a chipmunk and I'm a squirrel. When we get together we throw acorns at the world.

--Q46 bus to Queens Blvd

Man: And then I was like, 'I'm not a squirrel, I'm a gay man!'

--Mac store

Girl to guy: I'll never forget the day my goat got polio.

--25th St, Chelsea

Overheard by: Not eating goat cheese anymore

Very loud woman: What, you got lobsters coming out of your ears, you sonofabitch?

--Cubana Cafe, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trying to eat dinner in peace

Sororitard: Everyone always thinks death by shark is horrible, but I'm telling you, it is not that bad.

--Wall St

Overheard by: Pengasaurus

Wednesday One-Liners for Congress

Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, 'I am gonna fuck you so hard,' and I was like, 'Whoa, oh my god!' But I couldn't go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?

--LIRR

Overheard by: Emily Leatrice

Hipster: I'd feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.

--Penn Station

Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.

--N train

Overheard by: not invited

Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you're risking sex.

--Health Class, LaGuardia HS

Overheard by: mf

Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn't tell.

--Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I'm gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!

--Astor Pl

Overheard by: Glad I wasn't the other guy...

20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I've never been arrested!

--Subway station

Overheard by: subwayrider

The L-Wednesday-One-Liner

Woman to friend: Hey, you know, this is where that lesbian touched my ass!

--W 3rd Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Sakura

Chick on cell: We're, like, the best pseudo-lesbian couple who send out erotic postcards in the world. And you can quote me on that, missy!

--Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Man wearing rainbow wig and playing a ukulele: This next song is dedicated to all the fathers out there who play with their children and take them places. To the fathers who don't -- the lesbians have a point.

--In line for Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Stas

Nine-year-old boy: I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian...

--Central Park

Girl showing necklace to friend: You're a raging dyke! Would you wear this?

--Canal & Church St

Overheard by: NYCDoll

I Know My Job, and Helping You Ain't It

Black lady: Where do I submit this form?
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for child support violation?
Black lady: No! Who do I give this to?!
Desk clerk: Are you petitioning for alimony or other support?
Black lady: No! Now, who the hell do I give this form to?
Desk clerk: Lady, if you're not petitioning for anything then you don't submit your form to nobody.

--Family Court, 330 Jay St

Overheard by: Sophia

Sorry, Ike, You're on Your Own

Drunk girl: [Singing.]
Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?

--43rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Blaze Boy

You Do Seem to Need Some Looking-After

Guy: Hey! I haven't seen you in, like, forever.
Girl: No kidding! How are you?
Guy: I'm good... Except, remember when I fell into that brick wall? I'm worried the cut's infected.
Girl: Well, I have some Bactroban in my purse...
Guy: Awesome! Have I mentioned how much I love you?
Girl: And it's prescription strength.
Guy: I'd get down on one knee and propose to you now, but I'm pretty sure I'm standing in pigeon shit.

--NYU

Pop Quiz: Which One Was Raised by a Monkey?

Old lady when boy gives up his seat: What a nice boy! Thank you!
Boy #1: Well, my mom raised me well. It was the belt -- she only had to use it once, and then I just knew, you know?
Chick: Ohhh, yeah, for me it was a wooden spoon.
Boy #2: Oranges. She used to throw oranges at my face.

--2/3 train

Overheard by: Katie Koeblitz

Something Women Tell Each Other They Won't Tell You

Girl #1: I don't think I can go down on him anymore. He's got, like, BO down there.
Girl #2: What, like, funky?
Girl #1: No... like he never learned to wipe properly.
Girl #2: [Stunned silence.]
Girl #1: I know.

--B train

I'm Considering Galoshes

Big black woman #1: I shouldn'a ate all them bags of party mix. I shoulda got me some low fat snack instead.
Big black woman #2: Why you say that?
Big black woman #1: 'Cause I took my damn shoes off an' now I cain't get 'em back on! My feet's all swelled up from the party mix.
Big black woman #2: Girl, why you wear such tight shoes? I'm wearin' sandals.
Big black woman #1: Sandals? Who the fuck wears sandals when it's all snowy and icy and shit?
Big black woman #2: Someone who can get their damn shoes back on after eatin' all that party mix, that's who.

--JetBlue flight 806 to JFK

Overheard by: Big Larry

Dude, We're Not Relatives

Large maintenance man #1: Yo, you remember your little girl you left a while back?
Large maintenance man #2: Fuck, man, why you gotta bring that up?
Large maintenance man #1: I think I fucked her last night.
Large maintenance man #2: How the hell would you know that?
Large maintenance man #1: 'Cause she made that face you make when you lift shit.

--15th St & Union Sq West

Overheard by: margo

Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me

Professor: Are there any Catholics in the room? Who would like to enlighten us on Catholicism?
Girl: Well, you go to church and Communion or whatever. And you kneel down and the priest sticks it in.

--NYU

Overheard by: Jesse

They're Temporarily Using It As a Waste Receptacle

Chick: So, now between me and the bus tour you have seen all of Manhattan.
Tourist friend: Yep, from tip to tip.
Chick: Well, you didn't see the Statue of Liberty.
Tourist friend: That's true... Where is it?
Chick: I just took my mom there last week -- it's on Staten Island.

--R train

I Don't Obsess about the Shape of the Ball

Drunk Long Island guy: Jets!
Drunk Long Island girl #1: I hate football!
Drunk Long Island girl #2: I'm a Red Sox fan.
Drunk Long Island guy: ... That's baseball. We are talking about football.
Drunk Long Island girl #2: Oh, well, I'm a Red Sox fan. That's all I know.

--LIRR

Overheard by: Rori

Hope That Guy in the Middle Doesn't Puke

Conductor: You can get off and switch trains if this one is too crowded. There is an empty train right behind us.
Thug to friend: Why should I believe that guy? He just wants us to get off this damn train.
Conductor: But I guess none of you people gonna believe me.

--1 train

Overheard by: sgeness

Least Cool Was When You Scared Me Last Halloween

Boy #1: Seriously, that was, like, the coolest place I ever took a shit.
Boy #2: Wait, where were you?
Boy #1: I was on top of the mountain!
Boy #2: Oh.

--3rd St & 7th Ave

While You're a Classless Functioning Member of Society

Angry teen: You're a crackhead!
Crackhead: Well, at least I'm a classy crackhead!

--A train, 125th St

The Kind Who Has All of the Other Colors Already

Man: You know that Santa Claus doesn't exist, right?
Six-year-old boy: No, he does exist. When I wrote him a letter and asked him for pink Plush Puppies, I got them on Christmas.
Man: Dude, then you are a serious homosexual. What kind of boy asks for pink Plush Puppies?

--Rockaway

Overheard by: Bully

By the Way, It's about Time You Invested in a New Moisturizer

NYU girl #1: You were talking to him so much last night. Were you feeling him?
NYU girl #2: I was feeling everyone last night. Literally.

--Bobst Library, W 4th St

Like Anybody Has to Advertise for That in the Subway

Seven-year-old boy: Dad, what does A-N-A-L spell?
Dad, pausing and looking horrified, then relieved: Canal! There's a C first. We're at Canal Street.

--6 train

Rinse, Repeat

Teen girl #1: Wait, so you just let him do you in the butt? You let him sodomize you?
Teen girl #2: It wasn't bad. I couldn't shit for a few days, though. So I took some laxatives, then I shit myself in the mall yesterday.

--Liberty Island

Overheard by: binja

Guess Whose Girlfriend Is Pregnant

Man #1: What, you don't like kids?
Man #2: Dude, I make it policy to never hang out with anyone under 20.
Man #1: Why?
Man #2: Teenagers are dangerous savages and anyone younger than that is just loud and expensive.

--V train, 53rd & Lex

The Cube Root of a Dog

Mom: Look at the size of that dog!
Four-year-old son: That's not a dog, it's a chihuahua!

--Washington Sq Park

Overheard by: Kerri

Overheard Everywhere

The Only Loophole Is Debilitating Disease

Brunette: Tyra Banks isn't fat, she just isn't anorexic like other supermodels.
Blonde: If you're not anorexic, you're fat.
Hobo: Amen to that, sister!

--86th & Lex

Overheard by: Charlie

Fag.

Latina to male stranger: I'm bi, my homegirl bi, my sister bi. My other sister kissed a girl...
Girl nearby: My mom bi.
Guy: But I'm not. I'm gay.

--Bus

Overheard by: needs a car

And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire...

Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin'?! I smoke Newports! You can't get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin' me some money? It's for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady's boyfriend: Wow, there's evil! So much evil comin' from this one. You're good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It's the feel of the crack of yo' asshole burnin'! [Homeless guy runs away.]

--Bleecker, near Sullivan



Headline by: pheeze

Runners-Up:
· "Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum" - Angus McIntyre
· "Jesus Is My Roid Cream" - en_ki
· "That Port Hasn't Been New In Years" - dan
· "The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons" - Jon Trudel


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Why Word-of-the-Day Calendars Should Be a Privilege, Not a Right

Teen #1: Hey, man, I think we should get our important stuff laminated. No one ever questions lamination.
Teen #2: Yeah, I could get my hall pass and be at a club and the bouncer would let me in.
Teen #1: Yeah, because of the lamination.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Toastuh

Yeah, Vollard's Cat Is Wearing Fur

High school girl #1: Imagine posing for all of these artists.
High school girl #2: Yeah, but you'd be standing around naked all of the time.
High school girl #1: You probably didn't have to be entirely naked.

--Vollard exhibit, the Met

Where Rosie Perez Was a Joy Forever

Woman looking at designer sunglasses in store window: A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
Man in pea coat: My man John Keats said that. John Keats, that's my man.
Woman: Where do you know that Keats line from?
Man in pea coat: White Men Can't Jump.

--87th & 3rd

Overheard by: Geez

Today's Cutting Edge Hooker Uses a Segway

Guy: Damn, would you walk a little faster, please?!
Lady friend: You try walking fast in three-inch heels!
Guy: That girl in front of you is wearing three-inch heels, and look how fast she's walking!
Lady friend: Well, she's a ho on the go!

--Herald Square

Overheard by: Ruby

But There's a Tag on It That Says 'Made in Taiwan'

Santa: Merry Christmas, young lady.
60-something woman: I'm old...
Santa: Well, I'm older... Look at my beard!

--Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: IS and JC

Little-Known Fact: Chelsea's an Open Air Prison

Little girl: And I'll be the mommy and you'll be the daddy and she'll be the baby!
Little boy: No, I want to be the mommy!
Little girl: Well, we can't be gay, because that's illegal in New York.
Nanny: Who told you that?!
Little girl: My mommy.

--Rite Aid, 14th & 6th

Overheard by: Monika

Stomach Insurgents Attacked the Screen

Guy #1 discussing recent State of the Union address: So, one person takes a drink every time he says 'America,' and the other person takes a drink every time he says 'Iraq.'
Guy #2: Whoa...

--24th & 6th

Overheard by: erin

If You Want to Compete in the Global Marketplace

Hobo: Excuse me, can you spare me some change?
Woman, pretending in bad Spanish: No hable engles.
Hobo: Shit! I gotta be bilingual to beg?!

--4th St subway station

Overheard by: Jessie

You Always Hated My Father

Mom: What time is the flight tomorrow?
Dad: Seven a.m. We have to get up at 4:30.
Little girl: Mommy, we're going on an airplane?
Mom: Yes, honey, we're going to Florida tomorrow.
Little girl: Why are we going to Florida, Mommy?
Mom: We're going to Grandpa's unveiling.
Little girl, terrified: Mommy, I don't want to see Grandpa. He's dead and scary.
Dad: [Laughing.]
Mom: Robert, shut up!

--Christopher & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Let 'A' Equal Our Bed, and 'B' Equal the Mini-Bar

Tourist man: Honey, why don't we just go back to the room?
Tourist woman: Okay. We're all going to calm down. We've done everything we can do. The police report has been filed. We're all going to forget. We're going to take a deep breath, and we're going to move on. A new trip, a new beginning. Our new objective is to simply maneuver from point A to point B without getting mugged.

--Outside Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Katie

Really? Who?

White teen: You've got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.

--Times Square

Your School Does Suck

Bimbette #1: My school doesn't give out our grades 'til three days after the semester.
Bimbette #2: Wow! My school sucks. We have to wait 72 hours.

--Manhattan-bound N train from Brooklyn

Overheard by: Steve

Let's Go Rent Big Clits Big Lips

Drunk 30-ish woman #1, leaning on friend: Isn't it amazing how small men's dicks get when they're... you know... down?
Drunk 30-ish woman #2: It's more amazing how small some men's dicks are when they're actually up.

--1 train platform

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

He Was Never 'Just Saying,' and He Never Called 'No Homo'

Youth #1: Man, I'm just jokin'.
Youth #2: Yeah, but every joke has some truth in it.
Youth #1: Where'd you hear that? Who said it?
Youth #2: I don't know... Confucius.
Youth #1: Confucius didn't say that! Confucius didn't make jokes! He was a serious dude!

--Queens-bound F train

Overheard by: jb

Tough Talk for a Kid from the Bronx

Teacher: What country do we live in?
Very enthusiastic little boy: The United States of New York!
Teacher, a few minutes later: Can someone name a state outside of New York?
Very enthusiastic little boy: Brooklyn!

--First grade classroom, the Bronx

But We'll Find Out for Sure When the Anime Comes Out

Nerd #1: So, was she hot?
Nerd #2: According to Google Image search, yes.

--Math Building, NYU

Poor Guy. I Didn't Have the Heart to Tell Him He'll Be Dead in Hours

Stand-up comedy promoter: That's right folks! I'm not scary.
Teen girl: Riiight.
Stand-up comedy promoter, screaming after her: I don't bite! I don't have rabies! I took medication, and they said I'd be okay!

--Outside MTV store

It Was the Giving Birth Kind

Actor #1: It wasn't like sex vagina, it was more like--
Actor #2: --There's more than one kind?

--Epiphany