April 2007 Archives

Me: OMG! WTF? Him: Buh-Bye.

Chick: Do you know how I finally realized I was over him?
Friend: How?
Chick: In the past five years this was the first time I didn't print out our AIM conversation.
Friend: Wow, that's great.

--Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Trace


Posted 2007-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Funny Story -- I Ended Up at a Different Orgy

Guy: So, tell me about this new boy.
Girl: Well, technically I've already slept with him.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Remember that orgy? The guy who wasn't Richard? That was him.
Guy: You know, I wasn't at that orgy.

--4th & Mercer


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He's Working His Way Up to "The Star Spangled Banner"

Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Thanks.

--Men's room, CCNY


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How It Sounds Is Not the Problem

Thug teen with high voice: I didn't say, 'Scratch the inside of your butthole.' I said, 'Scratch the inside of your asshole.'
Lady friend: What's the difference?
Thug teen with high voice: 'Butthole' make it sound nice and almost innocent. 'Asshole' make it sound downright nasty.

--UA movie theater, Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: The Bling


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Also Said My Cervix Looked Great

Hipster chick #1: Oh, so how did your pregnancy test thing go?
Hipster chick #2: It went really well, actually.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, really?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, my manager emailed me and said it was the best thing I've ever done, which totally made my day.

--Broadway & Astor Pl

Overheard by: trailing behind


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L'Asshole, C'est Moi

Chick #1: Dude, he's totally got that Napoleon complex.
Chick #2: Nah, man, he's just an asshole that happens to be short.

--F train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kryssy K.


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Psh, Pussies Are for Pussies

Tranny teen #1: Y'all wig-wearin' bitches just jealous 'cause my weave look fierce!
Tranny teen #2: I don't care how fierce you think you look switching around with that horse hair tied all up in yo' head. The minute you open yo' mouf er'body know you ain't got no pussy!

--PATH train from Newark to WTC

Overheard by: Manhattman


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What Good Is Money If It Can't Insulate Me from Other People?

Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it's freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won't give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I'm Jewish and if you don't mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy's.
Chick: Oh, forget it -- here's five bucks!

--34th & Park


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Gets 'em Dinner Out Every Time

Male suit: That book you're reading -- Any Bitch Can Cook! -- that's funny.
Female suit: You know what 'bitch' stands for, right?
Male suit: What?
Female suit: Babe in total control of herself.
Guy at next table: I dunno. I know some bitches who are totally out of control.

--Chinese restaurant, Montague St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry


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Sugar and Spice and Everything Ripe

Teen boy: You know, some guys think it's cute when a girl farts.
Teen girl: That's only until they smell it.

--1 train

Overheard by: anna



Headline by: jay

Runners-Up:
· "Dr. Strangelove or How I learned not to worry and love the bomb." - Pavel
· "Find skidmarks in her panties and you've found a keeper" - Girls don't do #2
· "Smells like teen sphincter" - Leon
· "Then they just get jealous." - Peacock


Click here to see the new Headline Contest


Posted 2007-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Probably Quite a Story behind That Observation

Dude #1: My girlfriend is allergic to gluten.
Dude #2: Having a girlfriend with a food allergy is worse than having a girlfriend with a dick!

--11th St & Ave B


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I'm Over It Now, Though, in the Daylight

Bimbette #1: I know you guys made out and had sex. You had a little crush.
Bimbette #2: Well, he was nice to me.

--12th & 4th


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I'm Glad She's Dead

NYU girl #1: ... And then she, like, bled all over my shit.
NYU girl #2: Oh my god, that is disgusting!
NYU girl #1: Oh, I know.

--E 7th & 2nd Ave


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Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times

Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can't refill them if you don't tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!

--CVS/pharmacy

Overheard by: Amused customer in line


Posted 2007-04-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He Calls Them "Films"

10-year-old girl #1 referring to Starter for Ten: Oh my god, that movie was really sexy.
10-year-old girl #2: I know! We are lucky it wasn't X-rated!
10-year-old girl #1: You know, my mom has seen an X-rated movie before, and my dad has one.
10-year-old girl #2: Why does your dad have an X-rated video?
10-year-old girl #1: He's just really into movies!

--Movie theater restroom, 11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Dara


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So You'd Know What Kidney Failure Tastes Like

Employee #1: My pee was so brown this morning! It looked like apple juice.
Employee #2: You should have tasted it.

--JackRabbit running store


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Although I Can't Vouch for the Whereabouts of Their Droppings

Teen girl #1: I'm so hungry. Can we got to Taco Bell before the show?
Teen girl #2: Ewww! Don't go to Taco Bell! They have rats there!
Teen girl #1: Whatever! The rats are on the floor, not the food!

--Manhattan-bound L train


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Alex Trebek Doesn't Suffer Fools Gladly

Blonde: So, where is she from?
Friend: Croatia.
Blonde: Where's that?
Friend: It's, like, by Italy.
Blonde: Ohhh, like Czechoslovakia.
Friend: No, Croatia. Near Bosnia and Serbia.
Blonde: Oh, so it's like Russia.
Thug: Croatia, bitch! Former Yugoslavia! Remember, they had a civil war and broke up into five countries?
Blonde: [Stares blankly.]
Thug: Jesus Christ, study a fuckin' map. Even Tara Reid knows where it is.

--6 train


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The TV in Intensive Care Is Terrible

Sophomore #1: So yeah, my week off was really interesting. What about yours?
Sophomore #2: Boring. My brother fell off a balcony.

--Notra Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: The junior at the next table


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She Never Made It

Ghetto chick holding up lipstick: Teesha, smell this! Do this smell right to you?
Teesha: I don't know. What it s'posed to smell like?
Ghetto chick: It smell funny -- like it been in the store too long. I'ma take this shit back to Rite Aid [she puts the lipstick on].

--PATH

Overheard by: Manhattman


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It's about Footwear? Why Wasn't I Informed?

Guy #1, about babe passerby: Oooh, hey girl. Excuse me, miss? Miss! [Girl turns around.] Hello. How are you today? [Girl leaves.] Man, not even a hello! What the hell is wrong with women today?
Guy #2: I can't believe you thought she'd actually talk to you.
Guy #1: Why? I'm good looking.
Guy #2: Dude, you're wearing Tevas. Shut the fuck up.

--69th & Columbus


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That's What You Said about Eating at Jeckyll & Hyde

Six-year old boy: What are we going to see tonight?
Harried mom: Hairspray.
Six-year old boy: What's that about?
Harried mom: Crazy stuff.
Six-year old boy: It better be.

--Lafayette & Crosby

Overheard by: hair hopper


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Shut Up and Bail

Girl: Oh my god, it's coming out of me!
Guy: What, your blood, or my cum?

--81st & Columbus


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So Many People Have Circus PTSD

Hipster girl pointing to old guy with balloons: Those are the kind of balloons that I'm not afraid of.
Hipster guy: What, Mylar ones?
Hipster girl: Yeah. I'm just afraid of regular balloons, but not water balloons, so I guess I'm just afraid of the air.

--F train

Overheard by: tip, tipper, tippest


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Everyone Who Knows My Wife Feels This Way

English teacher: I tell her I can't come to bed because I'm working. So basically, the definition [of a Penolopean web] is doing something to avoid doing something you don't want to do.
Kid: Are you saying you'd rather plan our lessons than have sex with your wife?
English teacher: [Leaves the room.]

--LaGuardia High

Overheard by: ToMuchInfo


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Yes, but It Wasn't Strip Jenga

Chick: I have social anxiety.
Dude: Social anxiety? You played Jenga with my neighbors!

--Christy & Delancey

Overheard by: Tourist


Posted 2007-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yeah, Give Me a Celtic Frost on Sepultura, Hold the Slayer

Geek #1: Wow. You've got a death metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another death metal shirt!
Geek #2: No, it's a black metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another black metal shirt!
Geek #1: Oh! It's a sandwich!

--Grassroots, St. Mark's Pl

Overheard by: Meli$$a


Posted 2007-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now I Am the King of the Cats

Chick #1: So he just threw his shoes out?!
Chick #2: Yeah, he said he would never dance again.
Hobo: Never dance again!

--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave


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These'll Go Great with My Little Whore Dress

30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don't know... I'm getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it's an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right... Whore is the new black.

--Upscale shoe store, Midtown


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I Guess That's True, Too

20-something guy #1: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
20-something guy #2: Please. If you had been to prison I don't think that you would have been the one doing the fucking.
20-something guy #1: I guess that's true.
20-something chick: Fucking morons.

--Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Bang-Around Bob


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To Protect and... and.... Damn!

Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!

--Times Square


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Or If I Were Less of a Shit. Either One.

Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn... That shit's illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah... You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: 'Well, I wouldn't need to use it if you were prettier.'

--Ozzie's, Lincoln & 7th Ave

Overheard by: augie


Posted 2007-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Perhaps Abstinence-Only Sex-Ed Is Our Only Shot

Teen girl #1: How does a female condom work?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, what do you put it on?
Teen girl #3: I think you put it on that thing on the top of your vagina.
Middle Eastern cashier: Do you know what you are saying? Get out of my store!

--East Village bodega, 1st & 1st

Overheard by: Chaz Michael Michaels


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I'm Not Even Black, Am I?

Hobo: Hey, doggie. Come here, doggie. Hey, hey, doggie. Come over here.
Woman, pulling dog away on leash: Come, Mikey! Come on!
Hobo, to passerby: You see that? Fuckin' racist don't want me touchin' her dog 'cause I'm fuckin' black!
Teen passerby: No, sir, it's because you are homeless.
Hobo: Oh. Well, yeah. There's that.

--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N


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I Kinda Thought He Paid That Bill Already

Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Good morning, miss! Would you like to suffer for Christ?
Woman in a hurry: Um, no...
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Okay, have nice day!

--Steinway St station


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They Got the Dental Records? Seriously?

Idiot #1: ... And that's why they call him Ted Kaczynski, because he bit her on the ass.
Idiot #2: Really?
Idiot #1: Yeah, they got the dental records and everything. He totally bit her on the ass, and there were bite marks. That's why they call him Ted Kaczynski.

--61st & 10th


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Gotta Go with Your Strengths

Little boy who picked Disney princess goody-bag instead of Superman: Look what I got, Daddy!
Father, to party helper: He also always chooses tiaras over crowns.
Little boy, proudly: That's because I'm more into girl stuff than boy stuff!

--Deb's Family Disco, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Dancing Mermaid


Posted 2007-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Reader Poll: Will That Quote Ever Fucking Die?!

Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.

--Meserole Ave, Greenpoint


Posted 2007-04-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wow, Yours Are Exactly the Same As Mine!

Prep #1: Let's go play GameCube and listen to Jack Johnson and share our emotions.
Prep #2: Yeah!

--S train

Overheard by: Elizabeth


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I Don't Usually Meet the Hookup Threshold Test

Law student: Dude, when I started school I was like,' This shit's gonna suck for my social life,' but it turns out there are tons of cute girls in law school and they love to get drunk.
Non-law student: Really? So you've hooked up with a lot of girls at school?
Law student: Just one, actually, but it was only because I needed her notes.

--Metro North to White Plains


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Old Mom or Trophy Mom?

Teacher: Tyler*, your mom is here.
Tyler: Yay! ... Wait, which one?

--Citigroup Children's Center, 399 Park Ave

Overheard by: sarita92282


Posted 2007-04-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Fucking Book-Reader

Girl: I wish I had Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: What?
Girl: You know, like radar or gaydar. Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: Yeah, whatever.

--R train, Brooklyn


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How to Die Alone and a Virgin

College guy #1: I really regret not having sex with a friend's mom in high school. Remember Mike's* mom?
College guy #2: She was so hot. Dude, I beat her in Monopoly... which, in my book, is far better than sex.

--14th & 7th


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No Request Is Too Extreme

Girl #1: Thanks, I like being wished on. Well, not wished on, but wished for.
Girl #2: I was wished on in Mexico...
Girl #1, after long pause: Was it the same guy that gave you herpes?

--N train

Overheard by: i thought it was funny....


Posted 2007-04-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

All Hail the Hypnobarista

40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don't kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.

--Starbucks, Union Square


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The Prisons Are Full of First-Instinct People

Chick #1: You know, just go with your first instinct.
Chick #2: What?! I don't want to kill him!

--Hayden residence hall, NYU


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Have They Asked You Anything Suspicious?

Girl #1: Have you been lying to Mom and Dad a lot lately?
Girl #2: No, why?
Girl #1: Because I have and I was wondering if you were, too.

--Kimmel Center, NYU


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Everything Human Disgusts Me

Woman: Breastfeeding her baby is not the same as taking a shit.
Man: Yeah, it is. It's like shitting in the baby's mouth.

--3rd & 2nd


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Dooright's the Name, Good Citizen

Man holding St. Patrick's day hat and necklace: Can I get these two for three dollars?
Street vendor: The hat itself is eight dollars! You're not a bargaining person, are you?
Man: No, I'm from Canada.

--44th & 6th

Overheard by: Parade Spectator


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Aw Hell, Here -- I'm Insured!

Hobo: Can I ride that through Cooper Union?