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April 2007 Archives
Me: OMG! WTF? Him: Buh-Bye.
Chick: Do you know how I finally realized I was over him?
Friend: How?
Chick: In the past five years this was the first time I didn't print out our AIM conversation.
Friend: Wow, that's great.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Trace
Funny Story -- I Ended Up at a Different Orgy
Guy: So, tell me about this new boy.
Girl: Well, technically I've already slept with him.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Remember that orgy? The guy who wasn't Richard? That was him.
Guy: You know, I wasn't at that orgy.
--4th & Mercer
He's Working His Way Up to "The Star Spangled Banner"
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Thanks.
--Men's room, CCNY
How It Sounds Is Not the Problem
Thug teen with high voice: I didn't say, 'Scratch the inside of your butthole.' I said, 'Scratch the inside of your asshole.'
Lady friend: What's the difference?
Thug teen with high voice: 'Butthole' make it sound nice and almost innocent. 'Asshole' make it sound downright nasty.
--UA movie theater, Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: The Bling
Also Said My Cervix Looked Great
Hipster chick #1: Oh, so how did your pregnancy test thing go?
Hipster chick #2: It went really well, actually.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, really?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, my manager emailed me and said it was the best thing I've ever done, which totally made my day.
--Broadway & Astor Pl
Overheard by: trailing behind
L'Asshole, C'est Moi
Chick #1: Dude, he's totally got that Napoleon complex.
Chick #2: Nah, man, he's just an asshole that happens to be short.
--F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kryssy K.
Psh, Pussies Are for Pussies
Tranny teen #1: Y'all wig-wearin' bitches just jealous 'cause my weave look fierce!
Tranny teen #2: I don't care how fierce you think you look switching around with that horse hair tied all up in yo' head. The minute you open yo' mouf er'body know you ain't got no pussy!
--PATH train from Newark to WTC
Overheard by: Manhattman
What Good Is Money If It Can't Insulate Me from Other People?
Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it's freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won't give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I'm Jewish and if you don't mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy's.
Chick: Oh, forget it -- here's five bucks!
--34th & Park
Gets 'em Dinner Out Every Time
Male suit: That book you're reading -- Any Bitch Can Cook! -- that's funny.
Female suit: You know what 'bitch' stands for, right?
Male suit: What?
Female suit: Babe in total control of herself.
Guy at next table: I dunno. I know some bitches who are totally out of control.
--Chinese restaurant, Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Sugar and Spice and Everything Ripe
Teen boy: You know, some guys think it's cute when a girl farts.
Teen girl: That's only until they smell it.
--1 train
Overheard by: anna
Headline by: jay
Runners-Up:
· "Dr. Strangelove or How I learned not to worry and love the bomb." - Pavel
· "Find skidmarks in her panties and you've found a keeper" - Girls don't do #2
· "Smells like teen sphincter" - Leon
· "Then they just get jealous." - Peacock
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Probably Quite a Story behind That Observation
Dude #1: My girlfriend is allergic to gluten.
Dude #2: Having a girlfriend with a food allergy is worse than having a girlfriend with a dick!
--11th St & Ave B
I'm Over It Now, Though, in the Daylight
Bimbette #1: I know you guys made out and had sex. You had a little crush.
Bimbette #2: Well, he was nice to me.
--12th & 4th
I'm Glad She's Dead
NYU girl #1: ... And then she, like, bled all over my shit.
NYU girl #2: Oh my god, that is disgusting!
NYU girl #1: Oh, I know.
--E 7th & 2nd Ave
Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times
Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can't refill them if you don't tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!
--CVS/pharmacy
Overheard by: Amused customer in line
He Calls Them "Films"
10-year-old girl #1 referring to Starter for Ten: Oh my god, that movie was really sexy.
10-year-old girl #2: I know! We are lucky it wasn't X-rated!
10-year-old girl #1: You know, my mom has seen an X-rated movie before, and my dad has one.
10-year-old girl #2: Why does your dad have an X-rated video?
10-year-old girl #1: He's just really into movies!
--Movie theater restroom, 11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dara
So You'd Know What Kidney Failure Tastes Like
Employee #1: My pee was so brown this morning! It looked like apple juice.
Employee #2: You should have tasted it.
--JackRabbit running store
Although I Can't Vouch for the Whereabouts of Their Droppings
Teen girl #1: I'm so hungry. Can we got to Taco Bell before the show?
Teen girl #2: Ewww! Don't go to Taco Bell! They have rats there!
Teen girl #1: Whatever! The rats are on the floor, not the food!
--Manhattan-bound L train
Alex Trebek Doesn't Suffer Fools Gladly
Blonde: So, where is she from?
Friend: Croatia.
Blonde: Where's that?
Friend: It's, like, by Italy.
Blonde: Ohhh, like Czechoslovakia.
Friend: No, Croatia. Near Bosnia and Serbia.
Blonde: Oh, so it's like Russia.
Thug: Croatia, bitch! Former Yugoslavia! Remember, they had a civil war and broke up into five countries?
Blonde: [Stares blankly.]
Thug: Jesus Christ, study a fuckin' map. Even Tara Reid knows where it is.
--6 train
The TV in Intensive Care Is Terrible
Sophomore #1: So yeah, my week off was really interesting. What about yours?
Sophomore #2: Boring. My brother fell off a balcony.
--Notra Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: The junior at the next table
She Never Made It
Ghetto chick holding up lipstick: Teesha, smell this! Do this smell right to you?
Teesha: I don't know. What it s'posed to smell like?
Ghetto chick: It smell funny -- like it been in the store too long. I'ma take this shit back to Rite Aid [she puts the lipstick on].
--PATH
Overheard by: Manhattman
It's about Footwear? Why Wasn't I Informed?
Guy #1, about babe passerby: Oooh, hey girl. Excuse me, miss? Miss! [Girl turns around.] Hello. How are you today? [Girl leaves.] Man, not even a hello! What the hell is wrong with women today?
Guy #2: I can't believe you thought she'd actually talk to you.
Guy #1: Why? I'm good looking.
Guy #2: Dude, you're wearing Tevas. Shut the fuck up.
--69th & Columbus
That's What You Said about Eating at Jeckyll & Hyde
Six-year old boy: What are we going to see tonight?
Harried mom: Hairspray.
Six-year old boy: What's that about?
Harried mom: Crazy stuff.
Six-year old boy: It better be.
--Lafayette & Crosby
Overheard by: hair hopper
Shut Up and Bail
Girl: Oh my god, it's coming out of me!
Guy: What, your blood, or my cum?
--81st & Columbus
So Many People Have Circus PTSD
Hipster girl pointing to old guy with balloons: Those are the kind of balloons that I'm not afraid of.
Hipster guy: What, Mylar ones?
Hipster girl: Yeah. I'm just afraid of regular balloons, but not water balloons, so I guess I'm just afraid of the air.
--F train
Overheard by: tip, tipper, tippest
Everyone Who Knows My Wife Feels This Way
English teacher: I tell her I can't come to bed because I'm working. So basically, the definition [of a Penolopean web] is doing something to avoid doing something you don't want to do.
Kid: Are you saying you'd rather plan our lessons than have sex with your wife?
English teacher: [Leaves the room.]
--LaGuardia High
Overheard by: ToMuchInfo
Yes, but It Wasn't Strip Jenga
Chick: I have social anxiety.
Dude: Social anxiety? You played Jenga with my neighbors!
--Christy & Delancey
Overheard by: Tourist
Yeah, Give Me a Celtic Frost on Sepultura, Hold the Slayer
Geek #1: Wow. You've got a death metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another death metal shirt!
Geek #2: No, it's a black metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another black metal shirt!
Geek #1: Oh! It's a sandwich!
--Grassroots, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Meli$$a
Now I Am the King of the Cats
Chick #1: So he just threw his shoes out?!
Chick #2: Yeah, he said he would never dance again.
Hobo: Never dance again!
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
These'll Go Great with My Little Whore Dress
30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don't know... I'm getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it's an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right... Whore is the new black.
--Upscale shoe store, Midtown
I Guess That's True, Too
20-something guy #1: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
20-something guy #2: Please. If you had been to prison I don't think that you would have been the one doing the fucking.
20-something guy #1: I guess that's true.
20-something chick: Fucking morons.
--Delancey & Orchard
Overheard by: Bang-Around Bob
To Protect and... and.... Damn!
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
Or If I Were Less of a Shit. Either One.
Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn... That shit's illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah... You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: 'Well, I wouldn't need to use it if you were prettier.'
--Ozzie's, Lincoln & 7th Ave
Overheard by: augie
Perhaps Abstinence-Only Sex-Ed Is Our Only Shot
Teen girl #1: How does a female condom work?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, what do you put it on?
Teen girl #3: I think you put it on that thing on the top of your vagina.
Middle Eastern cashier: Do you know what you are saying? Get out of my store!
--East Village bodega, 1st & 1st
Overheard by: Chaz Michael Michaels
I'm Not Even Black, Am I?
Hobo: Hey, doggie. Come here, doggie. Hey, hey, doggie. Come over here.
Woman, pulling dog away on leash: Come, Mikey! Come on!
Hobo, to passerby: You see that? Fuckin' racist don't want me touchin' her dog 'cause I'm fuckin' black!
Teen passerby: No, sir, it's because you are homeless.
Hobo: Oh. Well, yeah. There's that.
--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
I Kinda Thought He Paid That Bill Already
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Good morning, miss! Would you like to suffer for Christ?
Woman in a hurry: Um, no...
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Okay, have nice day!
--Steinway St station
They Got the Dental Records? Seriously?
Idiot #1: ... And that's why they call him Ted Kaczynski, because he bit her on the ass.
Idiot #2: Really?
Idiot #1: Yeah, they got the dental records and everything. He totally bit her on the ass, and there were bite marks. That's why they call him Ted Kaczynski.
--61st & 10th
Gotta Go with Your Strengths
Little boy who picked Disney princess goody-bag instead of Superman: Look what I got, Daddy!
Father, to party helper: He also always chooses tiaras over crowns.
Little boy, proudly: That's because I'm more into girl stuff than boy stuff!
--Deb's Family Disco, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Dancing Mermaid
Reader Poll: Will That Quote Ever Fucking Die?!
Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.
--Meserole Ave, Greenpoint
Wow, Yours Are Exactly the Same As Mine!
Prep #1: Let's go play GameCube and listen to Jack Johnson and share our emotions.
Prep #2: Yeah!
--S train
Overheard by: Elizabeth
I Don't Usually Meet the Hookup Threshold Test
Law student: Dude, when I started school I was like,' This shit's gonna suck for my social life,' but it turns out there are tons of cute girls in law school and they love to get drunk.
Non-law student: Really? So you've hooked up with a lot of girls at school?
Law student: Just one, actually, but it was only because I needed her notes.
--Metro North to White Plains
Old Mom or Trophy Mom?
Teacher: Tyler*, your mom is here.
Tyler: Yay! ... Wait, which one?
--Citigroup Children's Center, 399 Park Ave
Overheard by: sarita92282
Fucking Book-Reader
Girl: I wish I had Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: What?
Girl: You know, like radar or gaydar. Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: Yeah, whatever.
--R train, Brooklyn
How to Die Alone and a Virgin
College guy #1: I really regret not having sex with a friend's mom in high school. Remember Mike's* mom?
College guy #2: She was so hot. Dude, I beat her in Monopoly... which, in my book, is far better than sex.
--14th & 7th
No Request Is Too Extreme
Girl #1: Thanks, I like being wished on. Well, not wished on, but wished for.
Girl #2: I was wished on in Mexico...
Girl #1, after long pause: Was it the same guy that gave you herpes?
--N train
Overheard by: i thought it was funny....
All Hail the Hypnobarista
40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don't kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.
--Starbucks, Union Square
The Prisons Are Full of First-Instinct People
Chick #1: You know, just go with your first instinct.
Chick #2: What?! I don't want to kill him!
--Hayden residence hall, NYU
Have They Asked You Anything Suspicious?
Girl #1: Have you been lying to Mom and Dad a lot lately?
Girl #2: No, why?
Girl #1: Because I have and I was wondering if you were, too.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Everything Human Disgusts Me
Woman: Breastfeeding her baby is not the same as taking a shit.
Man: Yeah, it is. It's like shitting in the baby's mouth.
--3rd & 2nd
Dooright's the Name, Good Citizen
Man holding St. Patrick's day hat and necklace: Can I get these two for three dollars?
Street vendor: The hat itself is eight dollars! You're not a bargaining person, are you?
Man: No, I'm from Canada.
--44th & 6th
Overheard by: Parade Spectator