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April 2007 Archives
Me: OMG! WTF? Him: Buh-Bye.
Chick: Do you know how I finally realized I was over him?
Friend: How?
Chick: In the past five years this was the first time I didn't print out our AIM conversation.
Friend: Wow, that's great.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Trace
Funny Story -- I Ended Up at a Different Orgy
Guy: So, tell me about this new boy.
Girl: Well, technically I've already slept with him.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Remember that orgy? The guy who wasn't Richard? That was him.
Guy: You know, I wasn't at that orgy.
--4th & Mercer
He's Working His Way Up to "The Star Spangled Banner"
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]
Stall #2: Thanks.
--Men's room, CCNY
How It Sounds Is Not the Problem
Thug teen with high voice: I didn't say, 'Scratch the inside of your butthole.' I said, 'Scratch the inside of your asshole.'
Lady friend: What's the difference?
Thug teen with high voice: 'Butthole' make it sound nice and almost innocent. 'Asshole' make it sound downright nasty.
--UA movie theater, Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: The Bling
Also Said My Cervix Looked Great
Hipster chick #1: Oh, so how did your pregnancy test thing go?
Hipster chick #2: It went really well, actually.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, really?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, my manager emailed me and said it was the best thing I've ever done, which totally made my day.
--Broadway & Astor Pl
Overheard by: trailing behind
L'Asshole, C'est Moi
Chick #1: Dude, he's totally got that Napoleon complex.
Chick #2: Nah, man, he's just an asshole that happens to be short.
--F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kryssy K.
Psh, Pussies Are for Pussies
Tranny teen #1: Y'all wig-wearin' bitches just jealous 'cause my weave look fierce!
Tranny teen #2: I don't care how fierce you think you look switching around with that horse hair tied all up in yo' head. The minute you open yo' mouf er'body know you ain't got no pussy!
--PATH train from Newark to WTC
Overheard by: Manhattman
What Good Is Money If It Can't Insulate Me from Other People?
Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it's freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won't give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I'm Jewish and if you don't mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy's.
Chick: Oh, forget it -- here's five bucks!
--34th & Park
Gets 'em Dinner Out Every Time
Male suit: That book you're reading -- Any Bitch Can Cook! -- that's funny.
Female suit: You know what 'bitch' stands for, right?
Male suit: What?
Female suit: Babe in total control of herself.
Guy at next table: I dunno. I know some bitches who are totally out of control.
--Chinese restaurant, Montague St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Sugar and Spice and Everything Ripe
Teen boy: You know, some guys think it's cute when a girl farts.
Teen girl: That's only until they smell it.
--1 train
Overheard by: anna
Headline by: jay
Runners-Up:
· "Dr. Strangelove or How I learned not to worry and love the bomb." - Pavel
· "Find skidmarks in her panties and you've found a keeper" - Girls don't do #2
· "Smells like teen sphincter" - Leon
· "Then they just get jealous." - Peacock
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Probably Quite a Story behind That Observation
Dude #1: My girlfriend is allergic to gluten.
Dude #2: Having a girlfriend with a food allergy is worse than having a girlfriend with a dick!
--11th St & Ave B
I'm Over It Now, Though, in the Daylight
Bimbette #1: I know you guys made out and had sex. You had a little crush.
Bimbette #2: Well, he was nice to me.
--12th & 4th
I'm Glad She's Dead
NYU girl #1: ... And then she, like, bled all over my shit.
NYU girl #2: Oh my god, that is disgusting!
NYU girl #1: Oh, I know.
--E 7th & 2nd Ave
Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times
Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can't refill them if you don't tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!
--CVS/pharmacy
Overheard by: Amused customer in line
He Calls Them "Films"
10-year-old girl #1 referring to Starter for Ten: Oh my god, that movie was really sexy.
10-year-old girl #2: I know! We are lucky it wasn't X-rated!
10-year-old girl #1: You know, my mom has seen an X-rated movie before, and my dad has one.
10-year-old girl #2: Why does your dad have an X-rated video?
10-year-old girl #1: He's just really into movies!
--Movie theater restroom, 11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dara
So You'd Know What Kidney Failure Tastes Like
Employee #1: My pee was so brown this morning! It looked like apple juice.
Employee #2: You should have tasted it.
--JackRabbit running store
Although I Can't Vouch for the Whereabouts of Their Droppings
Teen girl #1: I'm so hungry. Can we got to Taco Bell before the show?
Teen girl #2: Ewww! Don't go to Taco Bell! They have rats there!
Teen girl #1: Whatever! The rats are on the floor, not the food!
--Manhattan-bound L train
Alex Trebek Doesn't Suffer Fools Gladly
Blonde: So, where is she from?
Friend: Croatia.
Blonde: Where's that?
Friend: It's, like, by Italy.
Blonde: Ohhh, like Czechoslovakia.
Friend: No, Croatia. Near Bosnia and Serbia.
Blonde: Oh, so it's like Russia.
Thug: Croatia, bitch! Former Yugoslavia! Remember, they had a civil war and broke up into five countries?
Blonde: [Stares blankly.]
Thug: Jesus Christ, study a fuckin' map. Even Tara Reid knows where it is.
--6 train
The TV in Intensive Care Is Terrible
Sophomore #1: So yeah, my week off was really interesting. What about yours?
Sophomore #2: Boring. My brother fell off a balcony.
--Notra Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: The junior at the next table
She Never Made It
Ghetto chick holding up lipstick: Teesha, smell this! Do this smell right to you?
Teesha: I don't know. What it s'posed to smell like?
Ghetto chick: It smell funny -- like it been in the store too long. I'ma take this shit back to Rite Aid [she puts the lipstick on].
--PATH
Overheard by: Manhattman
It's about Footwear? Why Wasn't I Informed?
Guy #1, about babe passerby: Oooh, hey girl. Excuse me, miss? Miss! [Girl turns around.] Hello. How are you today? [Girl leaves.] Man, not even a hello! What the hell is wrong with women today?
Guy #2: I can't believe you thought she'd actually talk to you.
Guy #1: Why? I'm good looking.
Guy #2: Dude, you're wearing Tevas. Shut the fuck up.
--69th & Columbus
That's What You Said about Eating at Jeckyll & Hyde
Six-year old boy: What are we going to see tonight?
Harried mom: Hairspray.
Six-year old boy: What's that about?
Harried mom: Crazy stuff.
Six-year old boy: It better be.
--Lafayette & Crosby
Overheard by: hair hopper
Shut Up and Bail
Girl: Oh my god, it's coming out of me!
Guy: What, your blood, or my cum?
--81st & Columbus
So Many People Have Circus PTSD
Hipster girl pointing to old guy with balloons: Those are the kind of balloons that I'm not afraid of.
Hipster guy: What, Mylar ones?
Hipster girl: Yeah. I'm just afraid of regular balloons, but not water balloons, so I guess I'm just afraid of the air.
--F train
Overheard by: tip, tipper, tippest
Everyone Who Knows My Wife Feels This Way
English teacher: I tell her I can't come to bed because I'm working. So basically, the definition [of a Penolopean web] is doing something to avoid doing something you don't want to do.
Kid: Are you saying you'd rather plan our lessons than have sex with your wife?
English teacher: [Leaves the room.]
--LaGuardia High
Overheard by: ToMuchInfo
Yes, but It Wasn't Strip Jenga
Chick: I have social anxiety.
Dude: Social anxiety? You played Jenga with my neighbors!
--Christy & Delancey
Overheard by: Tourist
Yeah, Give Me a Celtic Frost on Sepultura, Hold the Slayer
Geek #1: Wow. You've got a death metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another death metal shirt!
Geek #2: No, it's a black metal shirt on top of a death metal shirt on top of another black metal shirt!
Geek #1: Oh! It's a sandwich!
--Grassroots, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Meli$$a
Now I Am the King of the Cats
Chick #1: So he just threw his shoes out?!
Chick #2: Yeah, he said he would never dance again.
Hobo: Never dance again!
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
These'll Go Great with My Little Whore Dress
30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don't know... I'm getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it's an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right... Whore is the new black.
--Upscale shoe store, Midtown
I Guess That's True, Too
20-something guy #1: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
20-something guy #2: Please. If you had been to prison I don't think that you would have been the one doing the fucking.
20-something guy #1: I guess that's true.
20-something chick: Fucking morons.
--Delancey & Orchard
Overheard by: Bang-Around Bob
To Protect and... and.... Damn!
Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!
--Times Square
Or If I Were Less of a Shit. Either One.
Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn... That shit's illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah... You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: 'Well, I wouldn't need to use it if you were prettier.'
--Ozzie's, Lincoln & 7th Ave
Overheard by: augie
Perhaps Abstinence-Only Sex-Ed Is Our Only Shot
Teen girl #1: How does a female condom work?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, what do you put it on?
Teen girl #3: I think you put it on that thing on the top of your vagina.
Middle Eastern cashier: Do you know what you are saying? Get out of my store!
--East Village bodega, 1st & 1st
Overheard by: Chaz Michael Michaels
I'm Not Even Black, Am I?
Hobo: Hey, doggie. Come here, doggie. Hey, hey, doggie. Come over here.
Woman, pulling dog away on leash: Come, Mikey! Come on!
Hobo, to passerby: You see that? Fuckin' racist don't want me touchin' her dog 'cause I'm fuckin' black!
Teen passerby: No, sir, it's because you are homeless.
Hobo: Oh. Well, yeah. There's that.
--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike N
I Kinda Thought He Paid That Bill Already
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Good morning, miss! Would you like to suffer for Christ?
Woman in a hurry: Um, no...
Cheery religious pamphlet guy: Okay, have nice day!
--Steinway St station
They Got the Dental Records? Seriously?
Idiot #1: ... And that's why they call him Ted Kaczynski, because he bit her on the ass.
Idiot #2: Really?
Idiot #1: Yeah, they got the dental records and everything. He totally bit her on the ass, and there were bite marks. That's why they call him Ted Kaczynski.
--61st & 10th
Gotta Go with Your Strengths
Little boy who picked Disney princess goody-bag instead of Superman: Look what I got, Daddy!
Father, to party helper: He also always chooses tiaras over crowns.
Little boy, proudly: That's because I'm more into girl stuff than boy stuff!
--Deb's Family Disco, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Dancing Mermaid
Reader Poll: Will That Quote Ever Fucking Die?!
Boy at screen door: Mom, can I come in?
Mom: Show me.
Boy: What?
Mother: Show me the money.
--Meserole Ave, Greenpoint
Wow, Yours Are Exactly the Same As Mine!
Prep #1: Let's go play GameCube and listen to Jack Johnson and share our emotions.
Prep #2: Yeah!
--S train
Overheard by: Elizabeth
I Don't Usually Meet the Hookup Threshold Test
Law student: Dude, when I started school I was like,' This shit's gonna suck for my social life,' but it turns out there are tons of cute girls in law school and they love to get drunk.
Non-law student: Really? So you've hooked up with a lot of girls at school?
Law student: Just one, actually, but it was only because I needed her notes.
--Metro North to White Plains
Old Mom or Trophy Mom?
Teacher: Tyler*, your mom is here.
Tyler: Yay! ... Wait, which one?
--Citigroup Children's Center, 399 Park Ave
Overheard by: sarita92282
Fucking Book-Reader
Girl: I wish I had Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: What?
Girl: You know, like radar or gaydar. Thomas Pynchon-dar.
Friend: Yeah, whatever.
--R train, Brooklyn
How to Die Alone and a Virgin
College guy #1: I really regret not having sex with a friend's mom in high school. Remember Mike's* mom?
College guy #2: She was so hot. Dude, I beat her in Monopoly... which, in my book, is far better than sex.
--14th & 7th
No Request Is Too Extreme
Girl #1: Thanks, I like being wished on. Well, not wished on, but wished for.
Girl #2: I was wished on in Mexico...
Girl #1, after long pause: Was it the same guy that gave you herpes?
--N train
Overheard by: i thought it was funny....
All Hail the Hypnobarista
40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don't kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.
--Starbucks, Union Square
The Prisons Are Full of First-Instinct People
Chick #1: You know, just go with your first instinct.
Chick #2: What?! I don't want to kill him!
--Hayden residence hall, NYU
Have They Asked You Anything Suspicious?
Girl #1: Have you been lying to Mom and Dad a lot lately?
Girl #2: No, why?
Girl #1: Because I have and I was wondering if you were, too.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Everything Human Disgusts Me
Woman: Breastfeeding her baby is not the same as taking a shit.
Man: Yeah, it is. It's like shitting in the baby's mouth.
--3rd & 2nd
Dooright's the Name, Good Citizen
Man holding St. Patrick's day hat and necklace: Can I get these two for three dollars?
Street vendor: The hat itself is eight dollars! You're not a bargaining person, are you?
Man: No, I'm from Canada.
--44th & 6th
Overheard by: Parade Spectator
Aw Hell, Here -- I'm Insured!
Hobo: Can I ride that through Cooper Union?
Harley guy: Do you know how to shift?
--Outside Starbucks, near Cooper Union
Overheard by: budgetmoon
Someday, He'll Be Right
Blonde: Sean, Em just told us something very interesting about herself!
Queer: What? Oh my god! Did you finally have butt sex? I knew it! You let him stick it in your butt.
--Outside the W, Union Square
Overheard by: she had a nice butt...
The City's Already on Report
Crazy lady: Where are we?
Stranger: New York City.
Crazy lady: Should I call 911?
--Amtrak
Overheard by: tj
We're Telling Springsteen Fans Where You Live
Kid #1: Yo, Silent Bob lives in that place.
Kid #2: No, he doesn't. He's from New Jersey.
Kid #1: No famous people live in New Jersey.
--Park Slope
How the Projects Got Gentrified
Yuppie girl: Sometimes I feel like it would be fun to live in the projects.
Yuppie guy: Uh, why?
Yuppie girl: Everybody knows each other -- it's like summer camp.
Yuppie guy: But they shoot each other.
Yuppie girl: Yeah -- summer camp, but with guns.
--99th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dan
Because They're Keeping Score
Thug #1: ... And I was like, 'Damn, baby. I just bought you some pizza, we're about to see a movie -- is it really imperative that I buy you the Justin Timberlake CD so you can listen to it tonight?'
Thug #2: I know what you mean dog. My girl was beggin' me to buy her that new Akon shit.
Thug #1: Why can't bitches just be happy?
--116th St station
I Find It Hard to Breathe Surrounded by Walls of Corned Beef
Old lady: This is a full sandwich. I said half sandwich.
Waiter: What's the big deal? I won't charge you for the whole thing -- just eat half.
Old lady: No, no, you don't understand -- I am claustrophobic.
--Flagship Diner, Queens
And They'll Spit Right in Your Eye
Cop #1: What, you can't say, 'Good morning' anymore?
Cop #2: Haha.
Cop #1: I get more fuckin' respect from the sperm in my balls than from you!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Emily
Then I Speed-Dial My Therapist
Teen boy: What do you do to 10-year-old girls?
Friend: I don't do anything to 10-year-old girls. I just do stuff to myself while I'm watching 10-year-old girls.
--Columbus Circle
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
It Dislodged Several Ceiling Tiles
Skinny NYU girl #1: Oh my god, I couldn't believe it happened. It's one of those things you have nightmares about.
Skinny NYU girl #2: I know. Don't people know they shouldn't eat for at least two hours before?
Skinny NYU girl #1: Duh, totally. Who farts in the middle of yoga class?
Skinny NYU girl #2: She'll have to go to therapy for months.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Michelle Eisenberg
Although It's Possible Neve Campbell Is Still Alive
Preppy teen boy #1: No, dude. She was in love with horses, remember? She liked screwing them -- that's how she died.
Preppy teen boy #2: No, no. That is not true. It was some accident having to do with horses.
Preppy teen boy #1: Yeah, exactly. She was screwing the horse, and then it fell on her. That's how she died.
Preppy teen boy #2: Dude, that's so wrong.
--45th St
Overheard by: wow
Wednesday One-Liners Propagate Their Genes by Caring for Siblings' Children
Thug: Yo, I would so love to see a show called 'Diaries of a Very Weird Gay Guy.'
--NYU
30-something lady: ... And he wanted to have sex with me. What is it that drives the heteros away and makes me the goddamn gay whisperer?
--136th & 8th
Girl to boyfriend: You're sooo gay when you're drunk.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: Tigertail
Stud: I swear, if I got gay it would not be boring.
--St. George residence hall
Overheard by: G
Dude: I'm so hungry, I'm gay!
--FIT dining hall
Overheard by: Jake
Wednesday One-Liners, Now with Pop-Up Blocker
Trader: Yeah, so after I first called him I accidentally sent him a hardcore porn email, and he got such a kick out of it he sent me a hundred and fifty thousand share order.
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: So that's how he makes so much money
Chick : Well, I got that thing on Facebook for his funeral, so I'll be there Monday...
--NJ Transit train to Penn Station
Overheard by: Jingles
Kid on cell: Okay, now attach the file to the email... The file name is, um, 'Beautiful black booties.' What? Come on, I really need this for my oral presentation.
--Yeshiva University High School
Overheard by: Ellen DeGenerate
Hipster on cell: I am so MySpace mad at you.
--10th & Bedford
Overheard by: Mandy
Girl: Friending him on Facebook is not an indication that you want to get in his pants!
--L train
Overheard by: michelle c
Skinny tween boy: My mom told me to be careful of stalkers on MySpace. Then, as soon as I signed up, I already had one friend -- he was this guy named Tom -- just smiling at me. I thought, 'Man, how did the stalker find me so fast?!'
--1 train
30-something dude to another: So, lately I've been really into Googling existential questions...
--E 3rd & Bowery
Overheard by: alyosha
Party On, Wednesday One-Liners! Party On, Garth!
Eight-year-old boy to friend: If we go to college do you wanna be roommates? What college do you wanna go to? I wanna go to Yale. Actually, no, I hate Yale. They have naked parties.
--P.S. 3, Hudson St, between Bleecker & Grove
Overheard by: Joeb
Black dude: Get this -- the theme of the party is 'Bring a white chick.'
--Union Square
Girl on cell: So, how was that party last night? Did you find anything to stick your dick in?
--14th & 5th
Little kid: Toga! Toga! Toga!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Matt Roca
Fat sweatsuit on cell: Order me some wings -- I'm ready to party! I said order me some wings -- I'm ready to party!
--Steinway & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Queemys Mommy
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Surest Form of Birth Control
Disgruntled student: Milton is where boners go to die.
--116th & Broadway, Columbia University
Overheard by: BBW
NYU girl: ... And she told me she had a gynecology appointment with this old chick scheduled for tomorrow, and that's when I realized just about everyone at this school is getting more ass than me.
--9th & University
Scruffy guy: Don't worry, you're going to have sex some day!
--St. Mark's Pl
Professor: There are two types of people in this world -- those who ride fast horses and those who don't get laid.
--Classics Dept, NYU
Overheard by: face
10-year-old: At my age it's just best to cuddle.
--Shakespeare & Co.
Overheard by: Leah
The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners
Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it's not nice.
--Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights
Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn't curse at the bus driver, thank you.
--Bx 8 bus
Overheard by: You're Welcome
Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don't wanna tell you have a nice day, because you're a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain't and you're going to hell! But I'm a good person, so I'm going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Michelle Smith
Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that's really good because I haven't dated anyone in over a year. We've been on two dates and he's married and he's really nice.
--60th & 5th
Dude: He's a nice guy. If you cross him he'll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.
--Bleecker
Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.
--67th St stop, Queens
Undercover DEA Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: I'm in a... Oh, what's the word I'm looking for? ... Crack-infested neighborhood.
--9th & 26th, Queens
Overheard by: B. D.
Disheveled punk teen girl: No! My 72-hour drug binge is starting now!
--14th & University
Overheard by: rachel
Crazy lady: ... So I hung the crack pipe on the cross which gave me the right to say no to drugs... Hallelujah!
--2 train
Overheard by: with a K
Suit on cell: Yeah, I talked to him the other day. Right? I think he turned gay. Or he had a drug abuse problem.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Nick
Lady: I'm ready to yodel! Do I smell hashish?!
--Central Park SummerStage
Fiction professor: I would find writing about investment bankers very difficult because I find them boring when I meet them. I start to like them when they start snorting coke. Then their dialogue becomes much more interesting.
--The New School
Middle-aged lady on cell: I need to start sniffing more glue.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Amy Jill
Wednesday One-Liners No Function Beer Good Without
Drunk female vocalist after set: Dude... Evolution... That's, like, the theory we come from plants and shit.
--Blue Note Jazz Club
Overheard by: Bailey
Drunken derelict, burping loudly: Give it a second and it'll come out the other side!
--6th Ave & Waverly Pl
Drunk man: I mean, it's ironic when you think about it. Lou Gehrig winds up dying of Lou Gehrig's disease. Then, Dr. Atkins dies of Atkins. Think about it.
--Bar, 46th St
Drunk bum: I'm not a bum -- I'm an international bill inspector. My boss sent me here to inspect your bills. Who wants to give me a hundred dollars?
--Crowded 6 train
Overheard by: Stephanie
Drunk girl: I'm not drunk yet. I can still feel my lips!
--Blagio, Queens
Overheard by: Kim
Belligerent wino: I am the government!
--Caton Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners before the Fall
Chick: So, with my toplessness and your bottomlessness we will equal one naked person tonight?
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Lady suit on cell: I told her to try the site at home and she screws her face up, scoffs at me and storms off like I'd told her to go stand on the BQE naked!
--PATH train, 9th St
Overheard by: Zenana
Cool cop: She looks great when she is naked, but when she is dressed, you know, not so great.
--1 train, 96th St
Chick to friends: The way he said it was, 'I sleep naked so if I have to get up at night to go to the bathroom, why should I put boxers on? I'll just put a sock on it.'
--Starbucks, Times Square
Cute hipster on cell: I was so confused this morning. I woke up naked in Queens with a stripper! I was like, 'Fuck, I guess I had a good night...'
--Clark & Henry St, Brooklyn
Drunk guy: ... And she was all drunk, dancing around naked in the attic again.
--Restaurant, Waverly & MacDougal
Jews for Wednesday One-Liners
Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don't be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!
--Q train
Overheard by: J-Lo
Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she's in front of large church.] Oops.
--71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: She didn't even pick it up
High school boy: He's like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man's coat.
--Bronx
Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.
--82nd and Columbus
Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus
Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn't sound like a bad deal.
--NYU
Crazy guy: Praise Jesus! But stay outta my way -- I will stab you.
--W 17th St
Overheard by: dawllyllama
Girl to friend: I mean, come on -- who really cares about Jesus?
--Elevator, NYU Silver Center
Wednesday One-Liners for Purity of Essence
Employee: Point is, I won't waste anymore saliva on him!
--Jamba Juice, Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: stunned juice drinker
Guy on cell: Yeah, man! It got all sticky icky in her gooey Louie.
--In line for food, Bing
Overheard by: caitlin
Loud B&T chick on crowded sidewalk: You damn better tell me if there's a booger hanging from my nose!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: mk
Dude: I like my anal leakage as much as the next guy.
--B&H Restaurant, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: E.F.S.
Man: I didn't mean to spit on Santa Claus -- it just sort of happened.
--Near Crew Cuts
Overheard by: Dan
Girl: He's really sweaty to sleep with, I'll tell you that. Him and Frank both.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Al E. Ro
Chick: Well, we were talking about projectile lactating...
--Washington Square
Wednesday One-Liners, Two by Two
Woman: ... But then if the llama gets too successful...
--3rd & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Eight-year-old: Mom, is that the AIDS monkey?
--Museum of Natural Science
Professor: You can write it anywhere. You can write it on a paper napkin. You can write it on the side of a cow.
--New York University School of Law
Overheard by: Eve
Dad to toddler son: See, if we buy the kitten then we'll have to throw you out.
--82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: with a K
Chick on cell: You're ingesting a llama?!
--Columbus Circle
Professor: She's such a sacred android cow.
--NYU
Overheard by: he was talking about meryl
Art student: You know how cows chew their food and keep it and chew it again? I can do that. I can eat a pop tart, like, four times.
--SVA Mezzanine
Overheard by: Walking by
Wednesday One-Liners' Lives Are in the Hands of Cynical Strangers
Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right... thank you for flying United.
--Flight to Newark
Overheard by: will
Captain: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your captain, James T. Kirk, and today I'll be assisted by my copilot, Ricky Bobby.
--JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: jewish girl
Flight attendant: Welcome to New York's LaGuardia airport, where the local time is way too early in the morning!
--Red-eye flight from Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Overheard by: Johanna Cipolla
Female flight attendant: In response to the many requests about what in-flight movies will be playing I have decided to make a public announcement: we are playing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxygen mask per seat, and two in the bathroom. Why there are two in the bathroom -- your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleasant flight.
--Southwest flight to JFK
Flight attendant on PA: Be careful when opening the overhead bins. Items can shift during flight and fall on you, or even, God forbid, me.
Overheard by: Earthborn
--American Airlines flight, JFK
Flight attendant: Please take out the safety cards in your seat's back pocket and pretend to follow along.
--United flight 7418, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna
Flight attendant: Thank you for listening to the safety announcement for this Boeing 777 service to Atlanta... [Proceeds in low whisper] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don't want any beverages. Close your eyes and sleeep...
--Red-eye flight, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Drewp
Tell You What. You Can Do It Inside If You Seal Yourself in a Plastic Bag
Catholic school girl #1: This is totally a third person situation right now, but I really think that some people are discriminatory against smokers. I mean, we really shouldn't have go outside to smoke. What, are you going to ask a girl with Tourette's to go spaz outside?
Catholic school girl #2: Did you actually just compare smoking to Tourette Syndrome?
--Convent of the Sacred Heart
Overheard by: Overachiever catholic school girl
The Two Stages of Grief
Queer checking voice mail: Apparently my great aunt just died.
Friend: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Queer: Don't be. She was a horrid, raging bitch.
Friend: Oh, well... then... ding dong!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jas
Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!
Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, 'cause if you don't make stops you don't make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don't have to stop and I still made money, man, I'll have it made.
--5th St & Ave A
Like Crate and Barrel
Hipster chick: I saw a picture of Susie's* fiancé.
Queer: Oh?
Hipster chick: Yeah. His face is really long. And demonic.
Queer: It's interesting how you put it in that order.
Hipster chick: Well, that's the order you think of it when you see him. It's like, 'Gee, his face sure is long. I wonder why? Oh, I see, it's to hold all that evil.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Charlie
If He Were, I'd Be Using a Different Tone of Voice
Student #1: I was riding the six train home and I felt something on my arm. I looked over and this guy was rubbing his penis on my arm! [Class gasps in horror.]
Student #2: Well, was he cute?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Never riding the 6 train again
A Lot of Engagements on Two Fronts
Suit: So that's odd -- your friend is into gay, World War Two German Army porn.
Hipster: It's actually not as weird as you think.
Suit: I see.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Jasper
He Had a Three Foot Proof of Intelligent Design
20-ish guy: I wish I had a gi-normous cock. I mean, a cock the size of a baseball bat.
20-ish girl: What would you do with it? No woman could fit it in.
20-ish guy: Doesn't matter. If I had a cock that big I'd never have to argue with anyone again.
20-ish girl: How do you figure that?
20-ish guy: If someone disagreed with me I would take out my 34-inch cock, flip it up on the table like a mutant Chateaubriand and make a face like this [makes a 'So there!' face].
20s-ish girl: So, let me get this straight: You think that a giant penis trumps a logical argument?
20-ish guy: Well, doesn't it? Like with that guy you met in Aruba last winter?
20-ish girl, after long stare: I told you never to mention that again.
--Bar, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Big Larry
In Which Case, All Really Is Fair
Woman #1: She was great. I bought both her CDs.
Woman #2, showing off new shirt: I bought her t-shirt. Isn't it cute?
Woman #3: Yes. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but some people at the concert told me she is listed at a website for gay songwriters.
Woman #2, screeching: What?! I can't be wearing no fucking lesbian t-shirt!
Woman #4: Well, unless it helps you get a man.
Woman #2: Well... That's true.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Bolloxians
Madonna, Circa 1983
Clerk: What about this one?
40-something woman looking at skin-tight, black leather mini dress: Hmmm... I like it, but do you have anything with a little less leather for church?
--Orchard St
Overheard by: what kind of church does she go to?
Oh, the Bridget-Jones-Meets-Paris-Hilton Look
Girl to friend in a mini skirt with her legs open: Katie, close your legs!
Lethargic friend: I don't care. I am wearing two pairs of tights and granny panties.
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: AJ
From My Big Book of Things White People Can't Say
Puerto Rican girl: Yea, he's Dominican and half black... But not really black, because he's not loud or obnoxious and doesn't dress like it.
Friend: So, he's that good black?
Puerto Rican girl: Right. He's not even really black at all!
--1 train
Overheard by: CG
Now with Extra Benzene!
Woman: I'm going to get some water.
Friend, pointing to basket of water bottles: How about this?
Woman: No, I don't like that water. It's too watery. I like Poland Spring.
--Starbucks, 43rd & 8th
I'm Totally Getting a Beeping R2D2 Vibrator
Gym chick #1: I ran a whole half-hour today.
Gym chick #2: A whole half-hour?
Gym chick #1: Yeah, you know why? 'Cause Star Wars was on and it was so good I couldn't stop watching.
--YMCA, Park Slope
Overheard by: Jedi Master
Well, Her Roommate. But Close Enough
Dude: So, how's Chin Chin doing?
Girl: Oh, pretty good. She just got over that whole vaginal discharge thing. [Awkward silence.]
Dude, to another girl: Chin Chin is her dog, by the way.
--NYU dorm elevator
Overheard by: valerie
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
Must Be the End-Times
Black woman: Bitch, stop barking. I'll beat your ass! Say 'my mother' one more time, I'll come over there and beat your ass, cracker!
White woman: Who says 'cracker' anymore?
--4 train
Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining
Crying queer: I just wasted my time and his for five years.
Consoling friend: Don't have a negative attitude. Never look at a relationship like that. Every relationship, no matter how bad, adds to your life. I feel that with every relationship you always walk away with something. [Queer rolls eyes.] How about all that jewelry?!
--Kittichai Thompson Hotel
Overheard by: Never walked away with anything
I Keep Applying; They Keep Turning Me Down
Girl #1: Can we get thin crust pizza instead?
Girl #2: Are you a fucking faggot?
--12th & Ave A
Overheard by: Liz
I'm a Silent, Consensual Killer
Boy: I'm a ninja... but not a tree ninja.
Friend: That's good.
Boy: And I don't rape people.
Friend: That's also good.
Boy: Or trees...
--Bus
Burt Young and Sylvester Stallone Light Up the Screen in Rocky Balboa
Guy in stall: Arghhh!
Hobo lying on restroom floor: That's a nice one, man.
Guy in stall, exploding: Auuuggghhh!
Hobo: Now, you're a fighter, man.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Overheard by: Torotoro
So You Should Probably Stop Making Out with Her
Hipster girl: You know Mabel's dead, right?
Hipster boy: [Snickers.]
--9th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Rebecca Katherine Hirsch
Headline by: troy
Runners-Up:
· "And hen I heard about 9/11 I laughed so hard the milk came out my nose" - David Reitmeyer
· "If I Knew You Were Going To Take That Attitude, I'd Never Have Named The Fetus" - ED
· "Stan never thought about the awkward exchange AFTER you put your girlfriend's cat in the microwave" - alexcalibur
· "There are people named mabel who are still ALIVE?!" - mimi marquez
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wow, You Really Have a Point
Old lady: What did you just say?
Three-year-old: [Inaudible mumbling.]
Old lady: Don't curse, goddammit! You sound like a fucking ass!
--110th & Madison
The Color of Commercial Passion
Student #1 filling out professor evaluation: What did you put?
Student #2: I wrote that I was unhappy with the lack of maturity he exhibited when referring to porn films.
Student #1: That's pretty bold coming from someone writing in pink pen.
Student #2: It's fuchsia!
--NYU
I Need Compassion and an Alibi
Guy #1: She was 14?!
Guy #2: Well, I didn't know she was 14 when I slept with her.
Guy #1: Dude, how did you not know?!
Guy #2: She didn't look 14...
Guy #1: And you didn't ask her age?
Guy #2: I did. She lied and said she was 21.
Guy #1: And you didn't ask for some identification?
Guy #2: Yeah man, 'cause the way to get a girl into bed is to ask her for some ID first.
Guy #1: Good point... Well, how old did you say you were?
Guy #2: 21.
Guy #1: 21?!
Guy #2: Yeah, 21.
Guy #1: Right, of course. Because 39 is clearly the new 21!
Guy #2: Don't judge me, man...
--52nd & Madison
Overheard by: So <i>not</i> 14!
NYC Rats Are Too Pretentious for Chain Restaurants
Sullen tourist teen: We're in New York City and we're going to fucking Uno's for dinner?
Tourist mom: Please watch your language. Your father wants to go to Uno's.
Sullen tourist teen: But we're in New York. Why are we going somewhere we can go at home?
Tourist dad, adamantly: Because New York restaurants have rats. We're not going to a New York restaurant!
--Museum of Natural History steps
Ah, the University of Life
Little boy: I know three things about aliens. One, they don't have hair. Two, they don't have mouths. Three, they don't have privates.
20-something: Then how do you know if it's a boy or a girl alien?
Little boy: Um, they're not boys or girls. They're its... Or she-males.
20-something: Where did you learn 'she-males' from?!
Little boy: Third Avenue.
--N train
So I Can Complain about His Spinelessness
Girl #1: I'm so bored in life. I'm thinking of getting a boy toy.
Girl #2: Well, what about Mark?
Girl #1: Things with him are too straightforward. I want someone I can manipulate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Columbia Student
I Always End Up Humping Lamp Posts, to Be on the Safe Side
Drunk dude: Were you in the parade just now?
Old Irish guy: You bet.
Drunk dude: That's awesome. It seemed even more fun than the gay pride parade. But that one always freaks me out because I never know which transvestites it's okay for me to be attracted to.
--4 train
Overheard by: Dan
Now Take Your Acid and Let's Go
College guy #1: Okay, we need to go to the grocery store.
College guy #2: But that's so boring! How am I going to update my Facebook status? Drew* is shopping for groceries? That is so lame!
College guy #1: Dude, you really can't live your life based on an imagined Facebook profile status. It's just not healthy.
--116th & Broadway
Only Crazy Subway Preachers Know Both
Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn't. The station is closed.
Nun: I've been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.
--1 train
Jesus. You Win.
Woman #1: I have had a song stuck in my head all day -- it's driving me crazy.
Woman #2: I have had a Celine Dion song stuck in my head ever since I got back from Rwanda.
--169th & Haven
Mental Note: Make This Girl Love Me
Chick #1: A guy's penis size is directly proportional to how much you like them.
Chick #2: So true! When I really liked Josh I said it was kind of small. Now that I'm over him it's practically a vagina.
--Starbucks, Morningside Heights
Maybe I Should Tickle You at Strategic Moments
Bimbette during intermission: So, like, I don't get it.
Friend: I can explain it to you. So, it's like a farce or something. And it's, like, based on this British comedy group, Monty Python.
Bimbette: Oh. I thought that was a snake.
--Spamalot show, Schubert Theater
Overheard by: Oh Broadway
God: Whoa! What the Hell Is That?
Blonde: Do you ever pray?
Brunette: Oh, I pray a lot in the shower. It's kind of weird because then I feel like God is watching me shower, but then I remember that he's obviously seen all that before.
--Webster's Café, Bronx
Think I'll Ever Get My Scrunchies Back?
Girl #1: His back was so hairy! His back hair was like thick curls!
Girl #2: Ew! Ew! Ugh, whatever. It's a good thing he dumped you. At least you don't have to deal with that.
Girl #1: Ah, yes, I was dumped by the yeti. Fuckin' fantastic.
--Library, Columbia University
In His Imagination, He Refuses to Sell Manhattan to the Dutch
Kid: Will we get to walk single file in the woods?
Parent: The path gets pretty narrow -- we might have to.
Kid: Yes!
--Prospect Park
God, I've Mastered the Small Numbers. What Now?
Automated voice on PA: Register Nine.
Toddler: Whoa! What was that?
Mom: That's the voice of God telling you what to do.
Automated voice: Register Four.
Mom: See, there it is again. You better listen.
--Whole Foods, Houston
Overheard by: Alienswede
Of All My Exes You're the Most Likely to Make That Call
Girl: If I were stranded somewhere with a dead hooker in my trunk, you're still the person I'd call.
Guy: To this day, that's the best compliment I've ever received.
--1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
You'd Think the Distribution System Would Be Better
Homie #1: Drugs is huge, man, huge! If there wasn't no drugs, there'd be no police! No drugs, no lawyers! No drugs, no judges! Nobody would be in prison! All those guards, no jobs! The whole prison system would collapse! No drugs, nobody in the hospitals! Doctors out of work... Drugs is too big! We're a big part of the economy! Nobody is gonna touch drugs, man, so chill. We need drugs!
Homie #2: True dat.
--125th & Lenox
Can I Have a Little Childhood, Here?
A stray kitten wanders up to a little girl who bends down to pet it.
Mom: Come on, sweetie, it's time to cross the street.
Little girl, dismayed: But I'm petting the kitty.
Mom: Honey, we need to go. Say bye-bye, now.
Little girl: Goddammit, mommy, I'm petting the kitty!
--17th & 6th
I Would Shave, Though
Queer hipster: Do my labia look too puffy?
JAP: What?
Queer hipster: My labia!
JAP: What the hell did you just say? I can't hear you.
Queer hipster: My va-gi-na lips! Do they look too puffy?
JAP: Oh... No, not at all.
--Ben & Jerry's
Douchebags: We're Everywhere
Chick to friend: That guy in the Starbucks across the street was such a douchebag.
Guy behind her, leaning in: I can be a douchebag if you want me to [winks].
--Starbucks, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Alanna
Now How Much for Her?
White nerd in monotone: Look, just because I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P does not give you the right to kiss up on my women.
Black guy: Fool, don't be trippin'! You ain't got but one woman, and she's fat.
--45th & 9th
Life Becomes Impossible If You Think about It Too Much
Man #1: The only thing I don't like about the job is all the lying I have to do.
Man #2: Yeah, but you're a salesman.
Man #1: Yeah, I know.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: daver
A Waiter Put It Back Using a Napkin and a Warm Spoon
Mother, scolding: And this is the same little boy who took out his penis in a nice restaurant.
Little boy: It was a wonderful restaurant!
--Garfield Pl, Park Slope
Overheard by: ruckerbry
Let Me Apply Some Sunblock
Cop #1: It smells like bacon.
Cop #2: Sorry.
--W 47th St
I'd Eat You on the Hood of This Car
Willing guy: Let's go stand over here...
Smoking hot girl: So, are you going to eat me on the hood of my car or what?!
--N train
Aw, It's Just the President
Tourist #1 seeing police cars: Dude, what's going on?
Tourist #2: I don't know, but I want to find out. Like, is someone dead, or is Mariah Carey coming?
--105th & Central Park West
I Wish I Had a Reason to Wear a Tie
Eight-year-old thug looking at four-year-old in khakis and a tie crossing the street with nanny: Man, look at that pussy ass!
13-year-old thug sister: Dumb shit!
Eight-year-old thug yelling at four-year-old: Dumb pussy ass piece of shit!
--69th & Broadway
Overheard by: Stunned, yet amused
If White People Didn't Exist, We'd Have to Invent Them
Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I'm not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won't, Teesha, say I won't! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you're bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I'll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I'm gonna pee on this train! Say I won't!
Sister: You're bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don't care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them -- they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we'll see who's diseased!
--A train, between 145th & 34th
You're Dating Grimace?
Teen guy #1: So, what did she look like?
Teen guy #2: Oh, dude, she had the most perfect body. She was like, 26-34-26!
--Tonic Bar
We Just Want to Go Nuts at Crate and Barrel
Young woman: I paid them a little bit. They paid for Mark to go to a 50 thousand dollar drug rehab and recovery program, so I think they'll be willing to loan us a thousand.
Man: Maybe, but he was taking it up the butt for crack. I think that's a whole different scenario.
--Staten Island Ferry
Another Tough Year for Roses Up There
Bimbette: Like, the Eskimos get drunk and kill each other for fun.
Eskimo chick: Not my family. We garden.
--Elevator, School of Visual Arts
Nobody Calls 'em "Playerettes"
Black man #1: Man, that reminds me of my bachelor party! The other day this slut friend of mine was getting married -- excuse my language.
Black man #2: That's aight, man. Sometimes you gotta call a slut a slut.
Black man #1: So, she was getting married, right? And the guy is waiting for her in a hotel room with champagne and shit. And the bitch is at my house!
Black man #2: Yo, that's a slut aight.
--28th & 8th
It Was Only a Welterweight Slap
Girl #1: So he slapped you with his penis?
Girl #2: Well, yeah -- what else does he have?
--2 train
Overheard by: RetroSarcasm
The Tragic Tale of a Looseleaf Binder, and the Boy Who Loved It in Vain
Teen girl: The Notebook was mad sad! I cried.
Teen boy: What is it about?
Teen girl: I forgot.
--1 train
I Don't Think You Quite Grasp This Manliness Business
Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?
Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.
Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.
Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.
--Movie set of I Am Legend
Overheard by: Another electric guy
Because I May Have Missed the Best Part
Bimbette #1: So, my mom was watching that Saddam Hussein guy get hung.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god! I couldn't bear to see something that graphic! Ugh! I can't believe they would air something like that.
Bimbette #1: Oh, dude I know... And to top it off, she was all, 'This is like a bad gay porno, because he is so fucked'!
Bimbette #2: Wait, who are we talking about, again?
--Subway station, 30th Ave
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
And How Much 20th Century Design Do You Need?
Guy #1: Then, when I get all the money, I'm gonna buy [unintelligible].
Guy #2: What? Buy what?
Guy #1: [Mumbles.]
Guy #2: Man, you can't get that here! You gotta go to Sotheby's to buy that!
--Outside Food Emporium, 83rd & 3rd
Probably Why EHarmony Set Us Up in the First Place
Hipster to friend: Sometimes I feel like jumping into a bush, curling up into a ball, and punching everything.
Passerby: I dig that.
--Sheep's Meadow
Overheard by: lenty
God's a Little Harder to See, but I'd Try
UES mom #1: We're going to Italy in August. You've taken your kids there, haven't you? What are some things the kids would like?
UES mom #2: Well, there's a lot to do in Rome, but one thing -- it's expensive, but worth it -- you should go meet the pope.
--92nd & Madison
Because Those People Are Beyond Saving
Black woman #1: And then she was like, 'I don't like fried chicken!'
Black woman #2: How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #1: I know! How could you not like fried chicken?!
Black woman #2: ... Well, was she white?
--14th & 1st
Let's Keep Watching Movies about Them and Being Secretly Turned On
Queer: I think bisexuality is just trendy, or for people who can't come out of the closet.
Fag hag: I agree. I could never date a bisexual.
Loud girl: Bisexuals are just fucking greedy!
--Hayden Residence Hall
Overheard by: Cooper
Bukkake Is So Five Minutes Ago
High school latina #1: Yeah, she's really sexy.
High school latina #2: Her lips are really soft.
High school latina #3: Yeah, you guys, her eye gunk's sexy, too. I'd totally eat her eye gunk.
High school latina #2: Yeah, that's true. I would, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: define sexy
Try Pretending It Doesn't Matter
Eight-year-old son: Dad, I can't even tell the Ninja Turtles apart! They all look the same, they just have different bandages and stuff.
Dad: Well, do you know their names?
Son: Uhhh... There's the blue one... Armadillo?
--Washington Heights
Overheard by: hero in a half shell
Unless You Count Splash Mount Sinai
Little boy pointing at St. Patrick's Cathedral: Daddy, what is that?
Father: That's a church. Maybe when you're older we can go inside and look around.
Little boy: Daddy, are there rides in there?
Father: No, no rides.
--51st & 5th
I Think We All Know How This Game Ends
Dude #1: You're not really gay.
Dude #2: Yes, I am!
Dude #1: Straight.
Dude #2, vehemently: I have a loofah!
--37th & 28th
Overheard by: MIcSpicie
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Actually, Clothing Is Sometimes Optional
Dude #1: Is cable a need or a necessity?
Dude #2: What?!
Dude #1: I mean, clothes are a need -- you need to wear clothes -- so cable's a necessity, not a need.
--F train
They Wanted Someone Who Could Hallucinate Outside the Box
Fashionista: Yeah, one time I thought I took, like, 96 bong hits, but then I realized that I wasn't inhaling.
Boyfriend: What about the time you ate thirty mushrooms and applied to Morgan Stanley?
Fashionista: Haha, I know! Who would have thought I'd have gotten that job?!
--Bowery Bar
When Hobos Teach Improv
Hobo: You white, right?
Hipster: Uh, yeah.
Hobo: I'm the 10 thousand-foot-tall sequoia tree, and you're a 10 thousand-year-old white man!
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Be Close When They Kill
Dude: I miss my machete.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Ash
Guy: For his 21st birthday I'm buying him a samurai sword. For his wedding I'm gonna buy him a giant samurai sword!
--Tower Records, W 4th St
Overheard by: Not a samurai
Little kid: It's chainsaw time!
--New Jersey Transit train
Overheard by: DrewDrewDrew
Frizzy woman on cell: I mean, c'mon -- it's not like it was a knife, bitch, it was just scissors!
--37th & 5th
Overheard by: K
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife
Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.
--Subway platform, South Ferry
Overheard by: annikee
Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: soixantedeux
Chick after V train passes through the station: There's a runaway V train and people are still on it!
--C/E platform, 23rd St
Girl: Whenever I'm on the subway all I can think about is sex!
--NYU
Overheard by: ana
Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.
--14th St station
Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is
Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?
--W 93rd St
Tourist girl: Waaait... Is this the bus?
--E train, Queens
Overheard by: MegMC
Wednesday One-Liners Got Rejected by Idol
Young chick to pal: Carly Simon? Wasn't she the one who sang 'You're So Vague'?
--Nail salon
Overheard by: Jersey Jude
JAP: I write pirate songs... in French.
--Broome & Broadway
Mom: Everyone in the world sings in Spanish. I mean, you know that song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? I heard it in Spanish the other day. It goes like... 'Chitty chitty bang bang, chitty chitty bang bang...' They didn't even translate the words into Spanish.
--Bloomie Nails, 20th & 8th
Classical pianist to another: Dude, I am mad stoked for studio class today!
--Manhattan School of Music
Overheard by: Christiana Little
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here due to congestion up ahead... I bet this is when you miss elevator music.
--D train
Overheard by: mb
Secrets and Wednesday One-Liners
Man on phone: I'm not saying it's your fault. I am saying you're a liar, but I'm not saying it's your fault!
--10th & Broadway
Raving man with large headphones: The myth that once you have high blood pressure you have it for life is a lie! It's a lie from the pit of hell!
--Bx15 bus
Girl on phone: Oh, no! That's awful! I'm running! [Keeps walking slowly.]
--12th & 3rd
Lady suit on cell: Yeah, I'm at home. I'm not even dressed yet.
--Kinko's, Court St, Brooklyn
Girl on cell: Mommy! My fake works! My fake ID!
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Lady on cell: No, Jack, we had six lovely kids... Just because we're getting a divorce doesn't mean our marriage was a complete waste of time. Anyway, yeah, I have to board my plane now... Bye [plays games on phone for 10 minutes].
--LaGuardia airport
Chick on cell walking down street: I'm already inside, dickhead!
--Mott St, Chinatown
Beva, Beva, Beva, Beva Con Wednesday One-Liners!
Nympho to friend: You don't have to be drunk to hump things!
--A train
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
Chick on cell: The only thing getting me through this day is the liquor at the end of the tunnel.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: Yeah, but then once you graduate from college it's called alcoholism.
--West Village
Chemistry professor: Ethanol is different from methanol, because ethanol you can drink. If someone drinks methanol, they will either, depending on how much they drink, become blind or they will die. This shows that you should not just drink anything, because it can be really messed up. Oh, and you shouldn't drink and drive.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Barbie
Girl to friend: Come on, let's go drink our feelings.
--92nd & Lex
Overheard by: sarah
High school girl to boy: You know that girl that was giving us money to fight? She was the thick one. Thick. Except that day she was crazy drunk because she couldn't find her glasses.
--Bronx train platform
Overheard by: David Weber
Wednesday One-Liners Are Now on the Dollar Menu
Mother to wailing child: Honey, do you wanna go to McDonald's?
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: caitlin
Guy yelling from street: Does anyone know where McDonald's is? Anyone? Anyone?! Help meee!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: it's on 125th
Suit to crazy hobo: Excuse me, do you know where I can find a good Wendy's?
--28th & 7th
Overheard by: As opposed to a bad one..?
Chick: Like, I understand protests and everything, and I think it's great to show your views and everything, but don't do it right in my way! It's just like, get out of my way to KFC! I need my fried chicken!
--Amtrak
Overheard by: colette
Tourist lady to another: A TGIF and a Wendy's! This place has it all!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: The McCrum
Ghetto chick on phone: Yo, let's go get some food. Naw, fuck fast food. I want some real food, like KFC or somethin'...
--L train
Overheard by: wynsters the tigress
Queer club kid: I am not going to McDonald's. The lighting is horrible.
--53rd & 9th
Overheard by: Julia K.
Wednesday One-Liners Are at the Wrong Tail of the Bell Curve
Dude on cell: I said I was born at night. I didn't say I was born last night. I'm not stupid.
--Manhattan Mall
Bushwick native: We've got idiots wrapped in morons all over the place around here!
--L train shuttle stop, Morgan Ave
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Woman to little girl: To be perfectly honest it just makes you look dumb, because you can only spell backwards.
--Times Square
Overheard by: mark
Mother to young son: When you grow up please don't be like stupid people.
--A/C/E platform, 14th St station
Overheard by: Josh Barro
Chatty woman: I can't ask my sister anything. She is such an idiot. She had a baby and it made her stupid.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pretending to be sleeping
Noxious Wednesday One-Liners
Teacher to student: Want to come into my office and smell my computer?
--Room B-436, FIT
Overheard by: ivy270
Conductor: We apologize to our patrons for the stale bread smell that passengers from our connecting train brought with them. We will be distributing pine fresheners to out patrons shortly.
--LIRR to Penn Station
College chick: My vagina smells like buttered popcorn.
--Starbucks, 7th Ave S
Dude on cell: Wow, I almost feel like I can smell you... Or maybe I'm just really, really hungry.
--Canal & Lafayette
Overheard by: Cameron
Woman whispers to man next to her: Alright, now come smell my vagina in the bathroom.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Deb
Teen thug to thugette: Man, this train smells like three kinds of ass!
--F train
Overheard by: Mike
Hobo to two bitchy JAPs: You think I stink now? Just wait -- I'm about to take my shoes off.
--A train
McDreamy Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: Why are you not breathing? You're the worst patient ever!
--ER, Methodist Hospital
Overheard by: Gena
Hipster to boyfriend: So, I lost three pounds last week. It's because I went to the gynecologist...
--28th & 8th
Overheard by: Waiting for the next sentence
Nurse pushing old man in wheelchair: I'm not a real nurse.
--St. John's Hospital
Boyfriend to girlfriend as they consume foot-long hotdogs: You've gotta ask yourself one question. Are you prepared to put your hands in shit every day? Because that's all a job in health care is -- putting your hands in shit.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: kat
EMT rolling patient in on stretcher: This is the most ghetto hospital ever!
--ER, Woodhull Hospital, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Come in Vanilla
Dude on cell: Yeah, all we need is a nice leather whip and we're all set.
--10th & 4th
30-ish queer to another: Yeah, and he has a basket of clothespins for nipple play.
--Grand St station
Young boy jumping gleefully and clapping: Masochist! Gay masochist! Gay masochist!
--105th & West End
Older teen boy to younger teen boy: Yeah, you can't do that. It's called bestiality, and it's illegal in this country...
--68th, between Columbus & Central Park West
Man with beer: You know the show Dance Off, Pants Off? I'm going to be on it in just an S-and-M mask.
--Outside Madison Square Garden
Shouting guy: I do not agree with sex with beavers!
--Waverly Pl
Wednesday One-Liners Are Working Their Way Through Grad School
Suit on cell: Like, she's not a masseuse and she's not a stripper, you know what I mean? I want her to be, but she's not... I can always go to a masseuse parlor or a strip club, you know what I mean?
--110th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Hobo: Anyone got some change? Or some food? Anyone? Does anyone have anything they want to help me out with? I'm jobless and times are hard... Damn, I knew I should've been a stripper, but I'm just not that kind of guy, you know?
--Fulton-bound A train
Flash Dancers employee handing out flyers: Hey, you like girls? You like girls? No? You like guys? We got guys... [whispers] but you gotta go in the back door.
--Outside Flash Dancers, 52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: not going in any door
Flyer dude: Female strippers! With STDs!
--48th & 7th
Dude on cell: I was a male stripper for the two years I was a youth pastor.
--N train
Lady passenger to cabbie: I teach kindergarteners and I strip!
--12th & 3rd
Overheard by: Matty K
Wednesday One-Liners Are What Make Work Possible
Bartender: Every day you have someone who wants to put cheese in their coffee. We try to minimize that kind of thing from happening here.
--Carmine's, W 44th & 8th
Overheard by: Michele
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm in one of those pretentious coffee shops... Getting coffee... Yeah, one of the ones where everyone looks like me -- beard, glasses... Right.
--Gimme Coffee, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mthy
Three-year-old in stroller: Coffee! Coffee!
--C train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily
Woman to dog: Daddy likes his coffee hot. And Mommy likes her coffee iced. And you like your coffee in the form of caffeine pills, which you snarfed like candy last night. My god, you were high as a kite.
--Outside Starbucks, Montague St, Brooklyn
Barista: She better not've asked me for no chocolate drizzle or I'da kicked her ass!
--Starbucks, Grand Central
Overheard by: Greg
Well-dressed crazy guy to whole train: And I said to her, you the coffee and I'm the biscotti... Why? Because you're black and hot... and I'm hard and a little nutty.
--A train
Queer to another: Isn't there a better Starbucks we should be going to?
--Starbucks, 14th near 6th
When He Learns the Word "Affinity" His Life Will Change Dramatically
Guy: I have an unnatural hard-on for post-modern dystopias... I have an unnatural hard-on for I Dream of Jeannie!
--Milon Restaurant
Overheard by: LBC & The Imbiber
We Now Present This Public Service Announcement
Dude #1: So, why did you break up with her?
Dude #2: Because she got herpes.
Dude #1: What?! You gave it to her!
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, but it's different -- herpes is gross with girls. It's like a battle wound for guys, though.
--Slipper Room
They Have That Ritalin Glow about Them
Little boy pointing to subway ad: Mommy, what are those?
Mother: Those are grown-ups.
Little boy: Kids.
Mother: No, those are just happy grown-ups, so they look like kids.
--1 train
Only You Can't Leave When You Want To
Dude: Have you ever been to jail on Saint Patrick's Day?
Girl: No. No, I have not.
Dude: It's a party! It is such a party!
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: SB
This Is the Line for Movin' Out, Right?
Tourist on double-decker bus: What are you guys standing in line for?
Auditioner down below: Cheese!
--Cattle call for Rent
Overheard by: Kelly Mac
Pregnoleptic?
Man: ... And this made you think you were narcoleptic?
Woman: Yeah, but it turns out I'm just pregnant.
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: George Bush
Well, Exactly!
Woman: So, what did he look like?
Man: Like... a Portuguese chipmunk.
Woman: What the hell does that look like?
Man: Picture a Portuguese man and a chipmunk and combine them. That's what he looked like.
Woman, after thinking: Oh! Okay. That's really weird that the he would want Anne* -- she's so tall.
--Grand Central
And Momma Bear Said, "This Advice Is Too Friendly"
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to an earlier incident, all Sixth Avenue line trains are running over the Eighth Avenue line. Please be patient.
Confused tourist lady: What does that even mean? I don't understand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the orange line you transfer at the next station like normal, but instead of going downstairs you just wait on that platform for the train you want.
Middle-aged woman across aisle: They're not orange line trains. It's the B, the D, the F and the V. Real New Yorkers don't call it the orange line.
Suit: Hey, lady, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?
--E train approaching W 4th St
They Normally Say, "Little Black Babies Are So Cute!"
Woman #1 to a child swinging his legs and wriggling: Stop that fidgeting!
Woman #2: See that? You even be irritating white women!
--B train, 96th St
Overheard by: Also Irritated
Don't Forget Giving Head to That Bear Stearns Intern
Drunk 20-ish chick to friends: I'm starving! I should cook something when I get home.
Thug: Don't lie! You gonna go home, check yo' MySpace and pass out!
--Astoria-bound N train
Overheard by: He has a point
I'd Do a Little More Homework First
Dude: I was at a wedding and this guy asked me if I thought my cousin was cute.
Friend: What did you say?
Dude: I said no, because she's my cousin. But then he said that she isn't really my cousin.
Friend: So, are you going to hit that?
Dude: I'm thinking about it. I was like, 'Whoa!'
--75th & Broadway
Poor Guy
Black man yelling at poster of Seal with a Shar-Pei: A black dude and a dog? A black dude and a dog?! Man... That shit is fucked up! Cute white girls like dogs. Black men don't like cute little dogs! Shiiit.
Chick: He's married to a white supermodel, you know.
--Bus stop, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Carol
Um, What Did You Do While He Was Doing That?
Hipster chick: So, it was pretty good, huh?
Queer: Oh my god. You don't even know. He was so flexible that he could touch his ass to his head. Obviously, the sex was incredible.
Hipster chick: Cirque du so gay!
--60th & Park
Overheard by: Alex P.
For the Last Time, It's Called a Padded Bra
Mom: John, you're killing me!
Son hugging her tightly: Wear your armor next time.
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: Sumo
Are We Going to Search Every Cup? We Are Not
St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--
Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Super Mike
Maybe the Socratic Method Isn't So Hot after All
Girl #1: So, I had tofu the other day.
Girl #2: What's tofu?
Girl #1: That stuff that looks like cheese but isn't.
Girl #2: What does it taste like?
Girl #1: It kinda tastes like meat and spaghetti... but there's no meat in it.
Girl #2: Then how the hell does it taste like meat?
Girl #1: I dunno. Maybe there is meat in it after all.
Girl #2: True, true.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: That's news to me
A Touch! I Do Confess I Breathe My Last!
Street vendor: Five dollar.
Browser: No, three dollars.
Street vendor: No, no, five dollar!
Browser: No, I'll pay three dollars.
Street vendor: No. Five dollar!
Browser: Okay, no thanks.
Street vendor: Yeah, well, you too tall!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: he was pretty tall
And That's Why I'm Walking Funny Today
Chick #1: ... And then he just shoved his whole fist in! I mean, he didn't even place it in. I guess he was, like, really drunk or something, but I mean, still -- and everyone at the table was like, 'Awkward...'
Chick #2: So awkward!
--41 Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Pretty Much the Definition of Reality
Dude fighting his way through crowd of tourists: Ugh, it's like being in a video game. It's like being in Asteroids!
Chick: Yeah, only you can't shoot anybody, so it's not as much fun.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Marizzle
Or at Least Bring Me My Laptop and a Latte
Girl #1: And then we had sex for, like, two hours!
Girl #2: Ew, who wants to have sex for two hours? I'd be like, 'Get off me.'
--19 W 4th, NYU
On the Plus Side, Now I Have a Lovely Garden in There
College girl #1: So, yeah, he just goes around pooping in people's closets.
College girl #2: Ewww! Does he steal anything?
College girl #1: No, he just poops and then leaves.
College girl #2: Weird.
--Loews Theater, 34th St
Overheard by: Jenn
Wanna Buy a Bridge?
Old man picks loose string off back of woman's coat: You've got something there... Ah, now you're perfect!
Woman: Oh, well, thank you!
Old man: You believe that and you'll believe anything.
--Stromboli's Pizza, St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: shankalicious
Headline by: greg
Runners-Up:
· "Like Creationism..." - Drew
· "Now hold still while I examine you for breast cancer" - Zorak
· "On an unrelated note, my penis cures cancer" - Wes Mantooth
· "Puppetmaster IV: The Rude Awakening" - Chris
· "That's What God Said To Adam & Eve, Too" - fritzy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Reality's Harder to Explain Than I Thought
Ghetto clerk #1: Someone called before from New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: So?
Ghetto clerk #1: Well, I didn't know there was a New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: Yeah, there's Mexico and New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #1: Oh, I get it. So it's like Bronk and da Bronx?
Ghetto clerk #2: Not really.
--Manhattan Supreme Court
I Don't Have the Nipples for Investigative Reporting, Though
Chick #1: Marketing is stupid. I should have been a weather girl. I would have been good at it. It's nice today. It'll be nice tomorrow. And it will be nice the next day. If I'm wrong, I'll just show a little more cleavage.
Chick #2: Yeah, you do have good cleavage for a weather girl.
--Lenny's Sandwich Shop, 23rd & 5th
Since I'm an Innocent Victim of Circumstance
Ghetto chick #1: They always tryin' to fight with me! No matter what I do they always want to fight with me. Even they mother.
Ghetto chick #2: They mother? Ain't she, like, 50 years old?
Ghetto chick #1: Or more. And she be comin' out the house with hammers. She don't play around. All of them fighting, and who go to jail for it? Me! Every weekend we fight, someone call the cops, and I go to jail. Every weekend. Just me. Because I'm on probation. I'm out on bail right now.
Ghetto chick #2: Uh-huh.
Ghetto chick #1: And I just don't know when it's gonna end. When is it gonna end? Someone's gonna have to die -- that's all I know. One of these mothafuckah's gonna have to die.
--C train
And Skinny Sulking Is Awesome
Girl #1: I can't even talk to her anymore. All she does is sit in her room, smoke pot and sulk. It's pathetic.
Girl #2: That's kind of what I do.
Girl #1: Me, too. But it's okay, 'cause we're not fat like she is.
Girl #2: Totally!
--Union Square
How about If I Smoke It and Don't Go?
Hipster #1: Shit, I forgot the wine.
Hipster #2: You're such an idiot. Where is it?
Hipster #1: I don't know, in some store somewhere. But it's okay, because I have a joint.
Hipster #2: You can't bring a joint if she invited us for dinner. It's not a 'thank you' if you're just gonna smoke it.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Yiriam Madison
What They Did Was More Like Lovemaking
College chick #1: ... And then three guys almost raped her.
College chick #2: Three?! Did they take turns?
College chick #1: Oh, they took turns.
College chick #2: Taking turns is for lame rapists.
--120th & Claremont
Overheard by: invisiblemooses
It'll Be a Profoundly Retarded Essay
Teen girl #1: I have to write an expository essay on something that has impacted my life.
Teen girl #2: Has anyone in your family ever died?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me.
Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, retards in your family?
Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a retard one time... He was, like, really retarded, too. Maybe I'll write about that...
--F train
Even If She Lives
20-something girl: You know, it's just not in Donna... It's just not in her hema-... hema-... What's it called? It's just not in her hematoma to be cool.
Friend: Totally! I know! No matter how she cuts her hair at any age she'll just never look good.
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Abby
To Treat My Misanthropy
Chick: Okay, here is my job application. Under 'Goals' I have, 'Get my people skills to a comfortable level.' For 'Steps to Achieve These Goals' I have, 'Right now I am passive-aggressive, but I am working to become more aggressive.'
Dude: Ummm, I think you should take out the first 'aggressive.' Anyway, you aren't passive-aggressive, you are bipolar.
Chick: I am not! I just hate everyone!
Dude: Then why do you take the crazy pills?
--A train, near Canal St
I'm Really Blind
Jersey tween #1: Who needs six dogs?
Jersey tween #2: Seriously... Who the fuck needs six dogs?
Jersey tween #3: Me?
--NJ Transit leaving Penn Station
How're Judy and the Kids?
Crazy woman lights a cigarette on the train.
MTA worker: You cannot do that. There is no smoking on this train. If you do it again I will call the cops, and it's a 70-dollar fine.
Crazy woman: You look nice. It's nice to see you again.
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: someone who does not smoke
The Money's Not Great, but I'm Doing What I Love
Lady: Oh my god! Can you stop pushing?! That is so rude!
Hipster who pushed onto train: Get used to it. I'll be doing this all week.
--6 train
Overheard by: used to it
We Put Up Flyers on Neighborhood Trees but... Nothing.
Foreign lady: So, a couple of years ago my country floated away from Venezuela.
Foreign man: Good for you!
--1 train
Oh, and the Kid
20-ish girl: Oh my god, your backpack has your initials on it!
20-ish dude: What? It's from high school...
20-ish girl: Jesus. The only thing I have from high school is herpes.
--41st & Broadway
Overheard by: june
In His Magnum Opus, The Great Gatsby
Suit: I was up in Toronto last week. It was nice, but it was really cold.
Guy: Yeah, it's beautiful up there, but they get winter really early. It's like that Shakespeare line, 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'
Suit: [Befuddled silence.]
--LIRR into Penn Station
Overheard by: It was Dickens, DickWad
Safest Thing, Really
Barbershop music segues from the Godfather theme to an old-time jazz tune.
Old Italian barber #1: That's nice music.
Old Italian barber #2: Yeah, we only play dead guys in here.
--Park Slope Barber Shop
Overheard by: Russ Wall