Cop #1: That was a fun job. That was exciting.
Cop #2: Oh, come on.
Cop #1: When he said, “I’ll go in, you stay here”, I really thought we had a bomb there.
–Bay Parkway Subway Station
Loving Teenagers
Teenage girl #1: What are you talking about? I hate so many people!
Teenage girl #2: No you don’t!
Teenage girl #1: Yes I do!
Teenage girl #2: I always talk about how much I hate Tom and you–
Teenage girl #1: Oh, I don’t hate people I know. I only hate celebrities.
–Williamsburg
Go Granddaddy!
Black man: “And he kept on beating up niggers until he was 37!” – On the Subway
No, We Don’t Sell Dictionaries
Customer: Is that banner going to be permanent?
Cashier: For a little while.
–Forbidden Planet
It’s dark because you can’t afford it
Hipster: “I just returned from the dark side” – Hipster getting off Bedford L into cell phone
Naive Evian
12-year-old boy: I don’t know why people would pay $2 for a bottle of water. You know, EVIAN spelt backwards is N-A-I-V-E. – To his friend, in Prospect Park
How About a Clueless Roll?
Waitress: Hello. How can I help you?
Kid: I wanna buy some sushi.
Waitress: You want to buy some sushi? What kind of sushi would you like?
Kid: I don’t know.
–Wasabi Sushi, Bensonhurst
The Nuisance of Facts
20-something Intellectual: Facts are such a distraction from the essence of what’s really happening.
–Private Party, Brooklyn
Leeds, are you sure?
Man in a thick British accent: There isn’t a town of Leeds in England. I’m from the CITY of Leeds. – Opening night party for an off-Broadway show in Link
Fun at the Post Office
A young man apparently cuts the line at the PO.
Old Italian: Hey, there’s a line here buddy.
Young guy: I waited already, I got money orders.
Old Italian: I didn’t see you anywhere near the line.
Young guy: I got money orders before and now I’m mailing them.
Old Italian: We’ve all got orders. Geez, no one wants to wait on line any more. And now the guy’s serving him.
Young guy: Shut up.
Old Italian: Ah, get lost, you idiot. If I was five years younger I would put you up against the wall.
Postal Worker: Next.
Old Italian: How much to send this express mail?
Postal Worker: $13.65.
Old Italian: Maron.
–Bensonhurst