But They’d Be Perfect for You

Chick #1: Have you ever broken your phone?
Chick #2: No, I think the worst I’ve ever broken is my finger.
Chick #1: [Pause] But, I mean, now I don’t have any of my numbers.
Chick #2: Oh my god! I thought you meant… Oh, wow. Well, why didn’t you just tell me you broke your phone? I have, like, four.
Chick #1: Four?
Chick #2: Well, they weren’t nice. I didn’t feel like they were reliable.

–L train

I Won't Be There

Suit: When I get you pregnant, I don't think you'll gain a lot of weight.
Girlfriend: Oh, yes I will. The moment I get knocked up I'm going to gain like fifty pounds.
Suit: Please do!

–3rd Ave & 14th St