Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
May 2007 Archives
And That's How I Came Up with the Lyrics to A Moveable Feast
Guy #1: So, I was at this thing last night playing guitar or whatever, and my friend Ashley* is eating out this fat guy's asshole...
Guy #2: What?!
Guy #1: Yeah, seriously.
--Dorm elevator, Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: OnlyinNY
Better -- They Got Written Permission for Birth Control
Crackhead #1: You went to Catholic school?
Crackhead #2: Yeah... Well, not for long 'cause I got kicked out for punching a nun in the face.
Crackhead #1: Wow. Did your parents get their money back, at least?
--L train
Good to Know There's Some Common Ground
Black guy #1 walking behind a lady with kid: Damn! I didn't know white women had butts like our black women.
Black guy #2: Me neither.
--Liberty Ave, Queens
Overheard by: nycgal
Mom's a Reluctant Convert to Heterosexuality
Little boy: But Mom, what is my penis for?
Mom: I told you, if you have questions about that stuff, ask Daddy -- not Mommy!
--Central Park South
Overheard by: L.L.
Unless It's the One that Says "Punch Me in the Face"
Male employee #1 refolding shit-load of shirts: If I ever see a girl on the street wearing one of these shirts, I'm gonna punch her in the face.
Male employee #2: Yeah.
--Urban Outfitters, 11th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shelby
His Tongue Is All Purple, Though
Woman #1: So, what you think about Duane?
Woman #2: Girl, he all up in my Kool-Aid and he don't even know the flavah!
--Deli, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cloisterpunk
No Further Humps after That
Redhead: ... And he's been bottling this all up and I guess my freak-out just pushed him over the edge.
Blonde: Yeah, totally. Like the straw that tipped the camel over...
--Haru, 18th & Park
I'm Happy to Let a Man Drive
Tourist girl: Excuse me, does this bus go to 61st?
Bus driver: Yeah.
Tourist girl: How much is it?
Bus driver: 20 bucks... or a kiss [points to cheek].
Tourist girl: Okay!
Friend: What is with you and public transportation workers?!
--Bus stop, 49th & Madison
But, You Know, I Always See the Good in People
Man #1: She's got a kid, and I want no part of that. But I like her a lot...
Man #2: Right.
Man #1: I mean, she's not that attractive, you know, but she has a nice ass.
--3 train
Overheard by: rat
A Tranny in the Clam Is Worth Two in the Tush
Artsy 30-something #1: I remember this one photograph -- this beautiful transsexual Latino in a clam like the Venus de Milo.
Artsy 30-something #2: Yes, I actually helped organize that picture.
Artsy 30-something #1: Oh, really? How was she?
Artsy 30-something #2: Beautiful. She lactated.
Artsy 30-something #1: Nice.
--Tea & Sympathy
Overheard by: No milk in my tea, thanks....
Headline by: bri b
Runners-Up:
· "HeShe's a Lactina." - Amanda Lee
· "Out of her penis." - Kate
· "Wait until you see my menstrating Pieta" - Sean McGurr
· "We named it Penis de Milko" - Erez Schatz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Yeah, War's the Perfect Time to Lose Your Faith
Professor: So, the gospel of Luke differs from Mark in its concern about... [Walks across room to look at poster promoting Iraq War protest, studies it for a moment, then returns to podium.] Sorry, I was distracted by the war. [Students laugh.] No, really. The things we're doing right now are actually really pointless in the world we live in. [Silence.] Okay! Back to pretending my job is important. Anyway...
--NYU
Yeah, but Is It Eat-Me-During-My-Period Hot?
Girl: God, whenever you kiss me on the subway your teeth hit mine! I think some drool got up my nose.
Boy: That is so hot.
--C train
Overheard by: Lauren
I'm Barred from Crate & Barrel for Life
Dude: So, what did you do?
Hung-over girl: I was really embarrassed at first and I tried to hide it. Then I was like, 'Fuck it, yeah, I peed in your bed.'
--Restaurant, Chelsea
Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners
Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! ... Can I have a cigarette?
--74th & Ridge Blvd
Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!
--Metro-North, Bronx
Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I'm watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it's like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: djw
Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.
--26th & Broadway
Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I'm just going to have a smoke.
--C train
Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We'll have smoked all our vanilla extract!
--Elderidge & Rivington
Overheard by: Karin
Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion
Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: at a loss
Guy: Man, I've been married two days and I want to cheat!
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: noseinabook
Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they're fighting... Yes! She's screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together... I don't know, but it's really creepy -- it's like she knew we'd be here this morning -- she walked in like two minutes after we did... Oh my god, she's coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I'm a lesbian!
--Starbucks, Union Square
Overheard by: That works...
Guy at table: ... And I've got my finger in another guy's wife's pussy, basically...
--Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union
Overheard by: Paul
Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren't married, I'd be in love with you.
--35th & Lenox, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rei
Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.
--JetBlue flight, JFK runway
Yo, It's Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I'm Sayin'?
Beefy Italian guy on cell: He's got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!
--3rd St & Ave A
Overheard by: Liz A.
Italian chick: My brother got so many velours -- he got more velours than the stores!
--Staten Island Ferry
Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That's my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!
--Midtown
Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence -- you define it!
--Spring & Mott
Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II
Italian hardhat: Yo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she's not banging me two days after she knows me. I'm sorry if that upsets you.
--75th & Madison
Overheard by: Anne
Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!
--Duane Reade, Fulton St
Overheard by: tj
Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses
Hipster girl to hipster guy: ... And it's like, he cums on me and it's like it doesn't even mean anything!
--L train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Ht-hrw
Hipster: You know, 'bedbugs' is just a classy name for crabs.
--7th & Ave A
Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.
--14th St & Union Square South
Overheard by: Almost Tourist
Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.
--Outside The Slaughtered Lamb
Overheard by: bonzo
Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I'd had an abortion.
--120th & Amsterdam
Hipster: Well, I can't help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!
--Montrose stop
Overheard by: big baby
Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There's just something about her that really turns guys on, and it's not just because she's blind.
--Columbus Circle
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master's in Evacuation
Lady: Okay, it's been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.
--The Factory, Christopher St
Man: Shit! Why isn't this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can't just take a piss right here, 'cause I need to be all proper and shit.
--1 train
Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: ... And then I got peed on. I got peed on -- on my face! I wanna get peed on again.
--Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave
Overheard by: WTF Mate
Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?
--9th & 7th
Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That's what I told her -- he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.
--B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!
--Chambers St station
Overheard by: Cat
Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!
--Restroom, Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: it was mine too.
With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners
Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her.
--Public Library
Overheard by: Robyn
Old lady: No, man, I ain't doin' no E! I ain't done no E in years!
--86th & Lex
Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad -- he deserved to die!
--Outside Sarge's, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini
Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Pie.
--Brighton Beach
Old black lady on pay phone: 'Do me up the butt'? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl.
--96th & Broadway
Overheard by: davees
Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That's what we need to fight for.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Cortitos Del Miércoles
Saucy Latina: I don't want to get a bikini wax if it won't be sexual.
--Dallas BBQ, Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin' Ash Wednesday!
--42nd St. 4 station
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi... And tell you I'm never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!
--24th & 7th
Whiny Latina: I don't want to sweat today -- I can't mess up my hair!
--New York Sports Club, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, 'The bathroom's right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?'
--3 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you're a pig and need more than one woman and that's why we aren't getting married!
--Near Steinway St, Queens
Overheard by: ADC
Latino thug: That's what we do. That's what we do when we hangin' out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That's what we do. All my niggas, that's what we do!
--Ft Greene
Overheard by: Andrew
Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It
Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!
--Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History
Dad to seven-year-old son: If you're gonna steal somethin', you gotta steal somethin' you can sell.
--Museum of Natural History gift shop
Overheard by: rufus
Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big... Bang? What's that?
--Museum of Natural History
Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It's like you and Dad on your honeymoon!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Dottie
Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.
--Museum of Natural History
Mother: Stop screaming! They can't hear you!
--Museum of Natural History
Wednesday One-Liners Get Prison Tats
Woman: If it's not illegal, it's not worth doing. That's my motto.
--Walker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy on cell: If I put on some weight around the middle, I'll just go to jail and get my six-pack back. I don't give a fuck!
--Bay Ridge Pkwy & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: The Inimitable Karen
Mother to young son: If you do that again, Mommy's going to send you to Rikers!
--Staples, the Village
Overheard by: Afraid of Tough Love
Man to female companion: Imagine the kind of cool stuff we could do if we didn't have jobs. We'd totally learn how to be pickpockets. What's the worst that could happen? We'd get arrested and thrown in jail for a couple days every once in a while, but we'd make so much money!
--Rockefeller Center
Pilot: ... And to your left you'll see Rikers Island, where I spend my weekends...
--Flight to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Drumm
Angry woman: Thank God that shit came back negative. Maybe I can drop them charges now!
--Free STD screening clinic, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Freudian Slip
Announcer before start of women's race: Women, please be careful of men trying to go in from behind.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Omar
Man: Wow, this is the most nuts I've ever had in my mouth at one time!
--Chocolate shop, Jane St & 8th Ave
Chick pointing at T-Rex: Oh my god, it's so big! Don't you wanna just ride it?
--Museum of Natural History
Conductor: Sorry, folks. Looks like I'm having some trouble in my rear.
--C train
Overheard by: mosteen.
MTA employee: Don't just stick it in... No, you have to ease it in and glide it through.
--A/C/E subway entrance, 44th St
Overheard by: Patrick
Mom to hubby holding sunscreen: Honey, did you lube up the kids?
--Central Park, near 96th St tennis courts
Lady to lesbian coworker: I wish somebody would warm up my muffin.
--1250 Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner
Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.
--Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: EA
Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.
--West Village
Lady on cell: Yeah, I'm really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.
--83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Debbie
Woman: I'd rather eat homeless person's cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.
--Clinton & Stanton
Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There's just something unattractive about them.
--Bus to Penn Station
Mother to screaming child: If you don't stop crying I am going to eat you!
--100th & Broadway
Overheard by: briana
Bouncer to girl showing ID: You're so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal... and eat your ass.
--West Village
Overheard by: RBNY
Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals
20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!
--N train, Broadway stop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?
Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!
--E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"
Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Kevp
Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras... or dinosaurs.
--Museum of Natural History
Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? 'Cause you touch yourself at night!
--14th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Stella
Wait, What Have You Been Doing with It until Now?
Preschool girl: Mom, can we go to that restaurant? I'm so hungry!
Mom: No, we're almost home.
Preschool girl: But Mom! I'm so hungry I just drank my own spit!
--M86 bus, 86th & York
Overheard by: Cynthia
You Just Need to Stop Hanging around with Grad Students
College student: Hey, what's up?
Grad student, slowly: The stench of humanity is strong within my nostrils.
--Hungarian Pastry Shop
I Need a Proposal That Comes in a Serious Park, or from a Non-Pedophile
Girl: I can't believe you took me to Bryant Park to propose to me!
Boy: But I want to marry you!
Girl: And you got down on one knee and what did you expect me to say?
Boy: That you will marry me?
Girl: But I can't marry you -- you sleep with boys!
--B train, 42nd St
Every Day Is a String of Missed Opportunities for Bong Hits
Lady suit #1: You still on drugs?
Lady suit #2: I'm trying...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Shai Googly
Right Now I'm Just Using a Carrot As a Placeholder
Chick: Oh, that's cute -- you've got a long distance girlfriend? Do you have a lot of phone or web sex?
Dude: Uh, no. We're not really into that.
Chick: Oh, I know what you mean. I gotta have a dick in me for sure.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles
Lindsay Reps Her Own Urine These Days
Hobo putting hand on Justin Timberlake look-alike's shoulder: Oh, shit! It's Justin Timberlake, everybody!
Look-alike: Uh, what?
Tourist teenybopper: Can I have your autograph, please?
Look-alike: I'm not Justin Timberlake.
Tourist teenybopper: But you are.
Hobo, to look-alike: Dude, you work with me here, okay? We'll do business. [To train] Ten bucks for Justin Timberlake's autograph, everyone! For 20 bucks he'll dance for you.
Tourist teenybopper: I have five dollars...
Hobo: We're in business!
Look-alike: I'm going to kill you.
Hobo, to look-alike: Damn, this is the best plan I've ever come up with! Except for the time I tried to sell Lindsay Lohan's piss for 20 bucks. Well, it was actually my own piss. I think God put me on this Earth to fuck with people.
--4 train
US Military: Sign Here, Please
Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get 'em while you far away so they don't know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I'd love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!
--23rd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: lady v
I Mean, What Are the Odds He's a Gentleman?
Chick: If he was straight he would have been staring at my breasts!
Queer passerby: It's true.
--W 54th & 9th
Overheard by: Big Poppa
Without Buying a Vowel
Student: I can't pronounce your last name.
Professor: Neither can I.
--The New School
Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
--Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
And It Always Tries to Take the Back Roads
Guy #1: Have you done the naked yoga thing?
Guy #2: No, not yet.
Girl: I have to imagine that's a little dangerous for a guy.
Guy #1: No, it's okay. The cock pretty much knows where to go.
Girl: Not in my experience.
--19th & 3rd
Guy Did Have a Nice Ass, Though
Man #1: Yo, man! Get your ass out of my face! I ain't no faggot.
Man #2, bent over: I'm sorry.
Man #1: I oughta put my shoe up your ass.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: What, you didn't see me sitting here? I don't want your ass in my face.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: No, you're not.
Man #2: No, I really am sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry [quickly disembarks at next stop].
Man #1: Did you see that? I ain't no fag.
--4 train
Otherwise Known As the Super Ego
Teacher: Today we are going to learn about Sigmund Freud. Do you know who Sigmund Freud was?
Student: Was he on Oprah?
--105th & 3rd
Got a Match?
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
We Celebrated the Lunar Festival of the Giant Rat
Woman: So, what did you do for Easter?
Man: I took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. My ex says I never do anything for those kids. I guess I showed her, and I can't wait to tell her that next week in court.
--N train, Astoria
Laugh Now -- You'll Be Paying Me $300 an Hour to Fight Your DWI Case
Drunk guy, about textbook-toting passersby: Look, baby -- law students!
Drunk girl: What? Where?
Drunk guy: Look at them! Haha, look! They even have books! NYU law students!
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Helen Thomas: Um, Follow-up Question, Mr. Slacker?
Dude #1: So, the other night I killed a mouse by rolling over on it in my sleep.
Dude #2: How did you know you killed it? Did you feel it or just wake up and find it there?
Dude #1: Yeah, when I woke up in the morning I looked over and was like, 'Oh, a mouse,' and then I took a picture.
--Ciao for Now, 12th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Coffee drinker who just lost her appetite
If You're Unfamiliar with Elves, Think Matches
Dude: Yeah, I put Tiger Balm on my testicles and it felt like a million breathing elves.
Chick: Oooh, minty! That must have been nice.
Dude: Oh, no -- like fire-breathing elves.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Pengasaurus X
I'm Never Gonna Multiply
Grunge rocker teen on cell: Oh, yeah, the book A Wrinkle in Time... It's, like, one of those books they make you read in sixth grade... Yeah, sixth grade. Six... Like, two divided by three -- six.
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Michelle
She's Batting Cleanup
Dude: You know, she slept with that guy you slept with.
Chick: What? Which one?
Dude: Richard?
Chick: Oh my god, she always does that.
--Williamsburg
So He Paid Them to Fight Each Other While He Watched
Worker #1: Wasn't he friends with Angelo?
Worker #2: No, Angelo hated him. Angelo hired two bums to beat the crap out of him around the corner.
--32nd & 2nd
Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?
Child, after hurting himself: Jesus!
Grandma: Oh, no. Don't say that tonight.
Child: Christ!
--Seder, UWS
Overheard by: bobby bo bobby
Headline by: AL
Runners-Up:
· "Sawww-eee." - Sameer
· "All that colorful Yiddish I taught you, and this is the best you can do?" - MB
· "Blasphemy is allah the same to me" - Yugan
· "Either way, it's still not kosher" - Peter
· "Wait until after we kill him" - bobofthejungle
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And My Impasto Technique
Girlfriend: I just had an... [glances at boyfriend]... orgasm.
Boyfriend, smugly: Because of me.
--The Met
Hell Is Other People with No Style
Jesus-freak: ... And let it be known that if you disobey the holy book and God's laws, you are eternally damned.
Queer: So, what happens to me if I'm gay?
Jesus-freak: You're going to Hell in a hand basket!
Queer: Well, that hand basket better be fucking Prada, bitch!
--42nd St station
Overheard by: you go, girl
That Was an Aside to the Audience
Chick: It was really good seeing you! Tell your sister I said hi!
Guy: I will -- you, too! [To friend] What a fuckin' bitch.
Chick: I can still hear you!
Guy: I don't care!
--Sugar Bar, Church St
Pure Goyish Goodness
Father: You dip it in pork?
Son: I dip it in pork.
--87th & 1st
Overheard by: Beeeej
Well We Used It As a Bar
Balding Rangers fan #1: The only piece of furniture left in the house was a stuffed penguin.
Balding Rangers fan #2: A stuffed penguin is not a piece of furniture.
--Metro-North, New Haven Line
Overheard by: M Tod
Another Doomed Hipster-Princess Love Affair
JAP: So he, like, lives in Brooklyn. On purpose.
Three friends: Ewww...
--LIRR
I Just Bust Out Some Sit-ups Afterwards
Babe #1: Ew, did you know that a teaspoon of sperm contains five calories?
Babe #2: Have you ever swallowed?
Babe #1: Yes.
Babe #2: Ew. That is fucking nasty.
Babe #1: Have you?
Babe #2: Yeah.
--Astoria Blvd
We Checked, It's Real. Ick.
Brunette using computer: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Really? What's the URL?
Blonde: Animal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, finding site: Now what?
Blonde: Click 'Tami*.'
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You're fucking a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy... How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I'm not a lesbian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and horses, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend's idea. And at least I'm not a lesbian.
Brunette: At least I'm not on the net with a pooch eating my cooch!
Chinese nerd-boy at next computer: This is the best conversation I ever heard in my life!
--Internet café, Mott St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Big Larry
Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
Boyfriend returning from bathroom: That corn from the enchiladas last night came right out -- like corn ass soup.
Girlfriend, eating a pretzel: Goddammit, baby, I'm eating. I don't want to hear about you cumming up my nose, or corn ass soup.
--Central Park
I Don't Think You Know Much about the Straight Male Electorate
Lady suit: No way! I am not wearing that!
Queer friend: Darling, you will look fabulous in this dress! Just try it on.
Lady suit: Oh my god, I have never worn something like that before!
Queer friend: Honey, just trust me! Think of me as your Karl Rove, but not as old, and way better looking.
--6th Ave
I Just Got a Pair of Sunglasses for Free!
Chick on cell: I just got a pair of sunglasses for two dollars!
Old punk rocker passerby: I'll give you two dollars to go kill yourself.
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Lisa
Stop Enhancing My Childhood!
Mother: ... And then we can go to Barnes and Noble's and share some books.
Kid: Nooo!
Mother: Books are fun--
Kid, weeping: --No, they're not!
--E 82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: emily
Harold and Kumar Go to Duane Reade
Woman knocking over hubby's folding table: That's the second time you disrespected me today! I am your wife! You won't even buy me a tampon -- I'm bleeding on a napkin. You only spend your money on hookers.
Friend nearby: I knew that was gonna happen!
--Times Square
With Our Nice Breasts
Creepy man, about tourist's rack: Are those real?
Tourist girl to friend: Whoa, I guess we should have left our nice purses at home...
--Broadway
Knit One, Pearly Gates Two
Woman #1: This sweater is 80 dollars?! My grandmother could knit this!
Woman #2: Wow, really?
Woman #1: Well, no, she's dead... But you know what I mean.
--The Gap
Hard to Do When the "Evidence" Is Dripping Down Your Leg.
Teen girl: So, what did we learn today, little one?
Kid brother: When in doubt, deny, deny, deny!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Pilar Annabelle Santiago
I'm Much Better Now, Though
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, but I always have fun over at First Ave. The other day I saw this crackhead running around naked in front of the club.
Cute girl: He must've been freezing.
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, I know what that's like... Not running naked in the cold, but being addicted to crack.
--G train, Metropolitan stop
Overheard by: Jason Hamlin
Tonight I'm Sitting on the Bed Post and Hitting Myself with a Hammer
Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait -- how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
--114th & Amsterdam
I'll Own, You'll Rent
Little boy: Okay, so we're gonna both have boobies!
Little girl: No...
--82nd & Park
I Just Think Brad Pitt Is a Terrific Actor
Female college student: I keep telling you, you're not gay!
Male college student, sheepish: I know, I know...
--NYU
The One Where Everybody Hates the Girl Chandler's Fucking
Dude #1: Yeah, man. Not cool.
Dude #2: Dude, why do I always have to be fuckin' the girl everyone hates?
--Macy's
Overheard by: good question
Although She Also Told Me Shrooms Are Just Mushrooms with LSD Sprayed On...
NYU guy proposing Mary Poppins as a Rocky Horror-style sing-along: It'd probably be fun to get drunk and go to one of those.
NYU girl: I don't know...
NYU guy: Well, that's what my oboe teacher said.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: fifi
What, Like a Truss?
Dude: Great! Now let's go break your face!
Chick: Tom, I need a more positive kind of support right now...
--MacDougal & Washington Pl
Your Best Option Is Just to Get Fat and Buy the Clothes
Teen #1: Sometimes I fantasize about having a baby with him just so I could be attached to him forever. In fact, last night I was looking on the Internet for when your most fertile days are... And mine is today.
Teen #2, laughing: Well, I definitely don't ever want to get pregnant. Those nasty maternity clothes... Ew.
Teen #1: What?! I like the maternity clothes better than regular clothes!
Teen #2: Nah, fuck maternity!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Meet the Inventors of Training Wheels for Pants
Chick #1: I don't know how to walk slow.
Chick #2: Yeah...
Chick #1: Walking is like riding a bike. You fall down when you walk too slow.
--E train platform
Pass the Bottle
Guy #1: Dude, I think I'm finally starting to sober up.
Guy #2: How can you tell?
Guy #1: Because all of a sudden I can do square roots in my head again.
--Dorm elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: Jessica
Super Lucky Is When You Find One of My Hairs in Your Food
Black chick: I figured it out -- when I fart on someone, when I spit on someone, it's lucky!
Latina: Wait, so if I spit on someone, it ain't lucky?
Black chick: Nah, because it ain't me doin' it. It gotta be me.
--Dressing room, Forever 21
Overheard by: I don't need to be lucky, really...
Not Sure You Avoid That with the "I Heart NY" Shirt, Though
Chick: Would it have been okay if I'd worn my shirt with a zebra on it today, or would that be like wearing a band shirt to a concert?
Dude: Yeah, that's exactly how it would be. Like, it's okay if you wear the opening band's shirt, but not the headliner. If you wore your zebra shirt, we would've had to skip the zebras.
Chick: You're right, I would have looked sooo groupie.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Sromeo
I Have Lost My Ability to Pick Up a Hanging Plant
Counter girl #1 : That's that shit you gotta get -- a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don't fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that's what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
I Bit Off All of My Nails the Week Michelle Fell Off That Horse
Dude #1: Plus, I was watching The Sandlot, so that always stresses me out.
Dude #2: It does?
Dude #1: Yeah. Even though I know what's going to happen, I get really anxious... That's also the reason I don't watch Full House.
--Q train
Overheard by: dianora
Good, Now Move Your Head from Side to Side Like a Cobra
White woman: How did I testify?
Lawyer: Not too bad.
White woman: Tell the truth -- I was terrible.
Lawyer: No, it's just that he put a lot of words in your mouth.
White woman: I know.
Lawyer: You have to develop an attitude like a black woman. When he says, 'So, what you're telling me is...,' you have to say, 'Don't be puttin' words in mah mouf! I said this. Don't be twistin' mah words to say I said that.'
White woman, dismayed: I'll try.
--Hallway, Civil Court, 111 Centre St
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Love My Custodial Weekends
Whiny four-year-old boy: Daaad! I'm bored!
Dad: We came here to be bored.
--Central Park
What Happens When You Read Freud to Toddlers
Little girl reaching for Peanut M&Ms: I want penis!
Mother: You better stop that!
Little girl: I want penis!
Stranger: Just give it to her, for Christ's sake!
--Manhattan-bound L train
He's Back. And This Time, He's Fabulous!
Woman #1: How old do you think I am?
Woman #2: I don't know...
Woman #1: I'm 46.
Woman #2: 46? Really? You look so young!
Woman #1: That's Jesus.
--Fresco Tortilla, 52nd & 9th
Selfish Bone Cancer-Having Motherfucker
Man: I'm in pain! Nurse, nurse!
Nurse, to herself: Dammit, nigga, I just fucking gave you morphine!
--Albert Einstein Hospital
Let's Just Use the Mind-Control Device Again
Guy #1: So, I heard this blowjob technique that sounds pretty cool, but I don't know how to tell my girlfriend without sounding pushy.
Guy #2: Well, maybe I could do it for you.
Guy #1: Dude... That's gay.
Guy #2: No! I meant I could tell your girlfriend for you, not do it to you!
Guy #1: Oh... Well, that's just awkward, then.
--A train
I've Packed Us a Bag Lunch of Vibrators and Paxil
Blonde: Because, you know, we travel so well together.
Brunette: Yeah, and this time I won't be having anxiety attacks.
Blonde: And this time I won't be trying to sleep with you.
--Kodama Sushi
Ferlinghetti: Eh, I've Made Worse Rhymes
Coworker chick #1: You ready, spaghetti?
Coworker chick #2: [Silence.]
Coworker chick #1: Well?!
Coworker chick #2: Wait, I'm thinking.
Coworker chick #1: Oh, okay.
Coworker chick #2: Like Lawrence Ferlinghetti!
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
What Drug Could Make That Interesting?
Thug #1: Yo, what we gonna do today?
Thug #2: Do like my man in Big Daddy do -- we go to the park and watch people trip over shit!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: MC
I Like to Root for the Underdog
Teen tourist #1: Let's go, strangers!
Teen tourist #2: Isn't that, 'Let's go, Rangers'?
Teen tourist #1: Oh, I never got that.
--Penn Station
Quickly -- Last One to the Gym Is a Size 4!
Anorexic wannabe #1: Ugh, no, ugh... It smells like salt in here! And fat!
Anorexic wannabe #2: Let's get out of here.
--Chelsea Market, Bowery Kitchen
Overheard by: Rev
Then I Rolled Him Up and Stored Him in My Closet
Chick #1: So, he was laying on top of me and, y'know, the thing popped up...
Chick #2: So you slept with him?
Chick #1: No, I said, 'You better deflate, 'cause I'm not having sex with you.'
--Outback Steakhouse
Overheard by: Meagan
Hope These Two Crazy Kids Realize They Belong Together
Girl: We need to find you a rebound for your rebound.
Guy: Isn't a rebound rebound just a girlfriend?
Girl: Whoa.
Guy: Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out with my existentialism. You are high, after all. [Girl is silent.] Bright colors! Wavy things!
--7th & 3rd
And Say You're My Teaching Fellow
Queer: ... And when you meet my mother, do not ask about her ear.
Boyfriend: Why not?
Queer: Just don't. And drink vodka!
Boyfriend: Not whiskey?
Queer: And if she asks you to pet the dog, for the love of God, you pet the dog.
--C train station, 96th & Central Park West
Overheard by: What about the buttsex?
"Socially" Fat
Teen boy: So, is she fat like Kelly is fat?
Teen girl: You mean, is she just fat because we don't like her?
--Central Park
Overheard by: jennica
Under New York Law, This Is a Binding Contract
Guy lugging large suitcases: Well, see ya.
Girl, crossing street away from him: Fine! Leave me! Don't get sunburnt!
Guy: Don't get pregnant!
--NYU
Overheard by: Crossing My Fingers
Precisely My Point
Guy #1: I love Puerto Rico!
Guy #2: Oh, please! Puerto Rico is just like the Bronx, but it has palm trees.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: D
Apparently Its Demands Have Not Been Met
Dude #1: Hey... So, did the baby come out?
Dude #2: No, it decided to stay in a little longer.
--Union Square
If They Were Designer Genital Warts, I'd Reconsider...
Chick #1: What's wrong, sweetie?
Chick #2: Well, for the past few weeks I've had... [lowers voice] genital warts.
Chick #1: Oh my god, sweetie. I'm so sorry. [Goes to hug friend, then stops] Oh, wait. We probably shouldn't touch.
--Knockoff purse stall, Chinatown
Overheard by: Kelly
Headline by: Mike Chmiel
Runners-Up:
· "Don't worry - circle, circle, dot, dot takes care of everything" - Melissa
· "I probably shouldn't be sleeping with your boyfriend either." - Rachel
· "Or we could just not hug with our vaginas" - Matt
· "We also should avoid rubbing our genitals on the same doorknob" - Mdan
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Now I Fantasize about Suicide, Like Everybody Else in the City
Lady: Wow, that really sucks...
Man: Yeah, you never know how useful all your fingers are until you lose one. And you know what's so crazy? I used to fantasize about cutting one of my fingers off before this happened.
Lady: Are you serious? Which one?
Man: I couldn't decide...
--2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: bestbelieve
The White Witch Vows to Freeze Narnia Forever
Black girl: Okay, everybody, here's where we learn to dance! Everybody repeat after me. To the left, to the right, to the left, to the right... [Passengers sway and laugh.]
Sour WASP lady to adjacent white passenger: Is this what people are like when they're on crack?
--3 train, 125th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Just Pull the Troops Out and Throw the Rest Away
Guy: Man, sandwiches are good.
Chick: You know, like, sandwiches are the best thing since 'Nam.
--Deli, 120th & Amsterdam
All Your Base Are Belong to Wednesday One-Liners
Woman who endured rush hour: Wow, what a rush! That was just like Frogger!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Amy D M
Girl watching friend play Frogger: Oh, I remember how to play! You're supposed to avoid the cars!
--Barcade, Williamsburg
Overheard by: champ
Dude: I'm telling you, I was put on this Earth just to play fuckin' Tetris.
--W 13th St
Overheard by: Lauren L
Little Dominican boy to classmate: Why you had to tell on me, white boy, version-one-of-Donkey-Kong?!
--PS 8, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Mona
Law student: He's a good professor, but he doesn't have that Mortal Kombat instinct. You know -- finish him!
--Sammy's Noodle Shop, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners, a Worldwide Pants Production
Man on cell: The notebook is perfect and it also fits down my pants.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: I Love You Alex
Hipster girl: So, as I was tasting him... Oh! My pants just unbuttoned!
--W 12th St
Overheard by: Paige
Conductor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is our last stop, Grand Central Station. Please make sure you have your purses, pants, makeup and fake eyebrows.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Meaghan
High school goomba on cell: He's just mad because I've got my own style. Y'know, I decided what I wanted to be like -- y'know, how I wanted to look -- and went with it. Just wait until summer -- he won't be able to touch me. Yo, do you know how hard it is to find white pants in Staten Island if you're a guy? I had to go to Brooklyn to get them!
--S48 bus, Staten Island
Overheard by: It's not part of the uniform?
Girl on cell: Just pull your pants down and take it like a man!
--E 12th & 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Mistres Silver
Dude: Remember when that Turkish girl stuck her hands in my pants? I was like, 'Hold on. You're Muslim and I'm Texan -- I don't think this is gonna work.'
--Cheapshots
Overheard by: B
Man to lady: I need pants desperately. I can't wait!
--32nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer
Drunk frat guy: I don't know about you fellas, but I'm going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]
--NYU dorm
Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I'll still be drunk in Michigan?
--JFK
Overheard by: JJ
Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?
--Outside Wogie's, West Village
Overheard by: misspenny
Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could've thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.
--Columbia University
Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that's pretty good.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: echo
Sweet, Sweet Wednesday One-Liners
Male driver, honking and screaming at pedestrians: They're fucking muffins! You're waiting in line for fucking 30 minutes for cupcakes! You are all children! Children!
--Line at Magnolia Bakery
Chick: When I say I'm not hungry what I mean is I just want to eat the icing off something.
--Washington Square
Little boy to another: Are you afraid of lollipops?
--8th St & University Pl
Overheard by: W. Liang
Teacher: The Frenchies were happy -- we've saved their crepes! Ah, oui, oui! Our crepes! Hahaha!
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Middle-aged man: It's a three pound ball of opium dipped in chocolate.
--Farmer's Market, Union Square
NYU girl: I mean, I eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream every night before I go to bed. It's something you just get used to.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Amelia
Angry man on cell: Tell me where he is or no dessert!
--Spring & Mulberry St
Overheard by: 2 of the mulberry 3
These Wednesday One-Liners Are Hard
Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!
--Bronx-bound 1 train
Conductor: The next stop is my dick.
--Bronx-bound 1 train
Overheard by: Nicole
Girl: I've seen one penis, like, a thousand times.
--St. Mark's Pl, between 1st & 2nd
Lady: He's got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.
--Starbucks, Park Ave
Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one -- he has testicles... but where's his gizmo?
--The Met
Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.
--The Cock, 2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: unfound dick
Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine
Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there's a million things you can do with a mothafuckin' grape!
--23rd & 7th
Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: You'll get FAT!
Suit: I'm totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It's just taking the easy way out.
--Sotto Voce, Park Slope
Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy
Lady: I feel like I'm living in a banana.
--75th & Madison
Conductor: The E train to Queens -- that's E as in 'apple' -- is running regularly.
--A train, 14th St
Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin' 'em a banana looked like a dick!
--19th & 4th, Brooklyn
Ask Your Doctor about Wednesday One-Liners
Investment banker lady: He needs some hobbies besides painkillers.
--45th & Park
Overheard by: triSarahtops
Queer: Who needs a boyfriend when you have OxyContin?
--4th St & Ave C
Overheard by: Kenney Matthews
Excited chick on cell: Oh my god, and my mom said for my birthday she is gonna get me these pills!
--79th & Amsterdam
Middle-aged man: That is why I have been taking my father's pills.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Coffeeshopgoth
NYU girl to another: If your dad didn't want to go on anti-depressants before, he's gonna want to now!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sarah
Philosophy professor: So, let's just say one time I was on... prescription medication.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Raquel
Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Kramden
Bus driver: This bus is making all the same stops as the subway. This bus is the train! This bus is the train! Choo-choo!
--Bus running as the 7 train
Bus driver: Step on in. Step on in. Tropical palm trees in the back.
--Q101 bus, 59th & 2nd
Overheard by: marerod
Bus driver, about blonde cop crossing street: Christie Brinkley there is looking to lock someone up so she can make detective next week.
--B75 bus, Brooklyn
Bus driver: Everybody sliiide to the left... Sliiide to the right... One hop this time!
--B44 bus
Overheard by: steph
Ballin' driver: Dem tips are not just for the ride, they fo' the looks. Much love!
--LaGuardia shuttle bus
Overheard by: Alex
Bus driver: Utopia!
--Q46 bus
Bus driver: Attention ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready for inspection.
--79th St Crosstown Bus
Infernal Wednesday One-Liners
Protestant street preacher with mic: You're going down the Broadway to Hell.
--42nd & 8th
Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that's all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I'm thinking to myself, Goddammit... No, wait, sorry. I'm thinking to myself, Santa... No, that's Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.
--Brooklyn-bound C train
Overheard by: P. Mills
Suit on cell: The only thing is, she's so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I'm like Satan and she's the Virgin Mary.
--Metro-North train, Grand Central
Hardhat: I don't know if I'm going to heaven; I don't know if I'm going to hell... All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rob
Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar -- a fucking liar!
--Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre
Overheard by: SLC kid
Teacher: I'm going to burn in Hell for this... Wait! I'm Jewish! I don't believe in Hell! I'm not going to burn! Yay!
--Hunter College High
Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're being delayed, but we will be moving shortly. We're having a door problem -- someone at the front of the train is holding them open.
--3 train, Franklin Ave
Conductor: Get the hell out of the doors... Now! Not when you feel like it! Damn locals.
--2 train
Overheard by: mo love
Conductor: I know you are not holding the doors on my train! I'll kick your ass!
--1 train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a One train directly behind this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors [repeats this three times]. Alright, if people don't stop holding the doors we gonna put this train out of service and then everyone be on the platform! Is that what you want?!
--2 train
Over the PA: Do not hold the doors. Holding the doors causes delayed service. Delayed service causes late service.
--Shuttle Platform, Grand Central
Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.
--S train
Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their License
Police car megaphone: Attention: The driver of the minivan is terrible.
--Ludlow & Stanton
Girl on phone: Now, drive safe and don't drop the soap!
--NYU Kimmel Center, Washington Square South
Young boy: Man, I'm as tired as a used car salesman.
--JFK
Overheard by: DFlan
Man on cell: So, are you saying you crashed the car into the camel or the camel into the car?
--27th & 7th
Tall guy: ... And he would not get out of my trunk! And we was on our way to the game! I was like, 'Son, close that door. Respect the Hyundai!'
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Micaela
Chick: ... And I said to him, 'After this presentation I want to go to the hospital, because I got hit by a car.' And he said, 'Oh, yeah? You look kind of skanky. You should go now.'
--Court & Schermerhorn St
JAP on phone: A woman lives in my dashboard! In my car! A woman lives in my dashboard!
--NYU
Wednesday One-Liners for Chandler Bing's Dad
Dude: Is it true the city is outlawing fat trannies?
--14th & 9th
Girl on cell: ... But the conversation is getting so good! I'm announcing my attraction to trannies, and you're talking about the S-and-M relationship of our friends!
--Harlem
Overheard by: Poogins
Crazy drunk man to 11-year-olds: Suck my dick, bitch! And my pussy!
--F train
Tranny to Jehovah's Witnesses: You don't know nothing about God. I ain't got no testicles. You can't tell me about God.
--149th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: KcB
Chubby guy: I don't hang with women with tits smaller than mine.
--Sidewalk cafe, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Big Larry
Butch woman on cell: So, Jennifer -- you know, my ex-wife's boyfriend...
--Payless Shoe Source, 34th St
But Then We'd Be Stuck with Cheney
Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.
--Actors' Equity building
Overheard by: Cat
Try a Different City
Hot lesbian #1: Come on, this girl is taking forever!
Hot lesbian #2: If I lift up my clit I can pee standing up...
Straight Asian dude trying to come in: Um...
Hot lesbian #3: Excuse me! Some people are trying to use the urinal! Could we have some privacy in here or what?
--Men's room, lesbian bar
Overheard by: projectilepee
Is Your Former Lover in This Courtroom? Can You Point Him Out?
Student #1: I don't know, man, I need a crazy girl. These law school girls are too stiff.
Student #2: How so?
Student #1: Like, they would only let you fuck them face-to-face.
--NYU Law School
Overheard by: Geez
Reader Poll: Don't You Want to See the Movie?
Woman: I really enjoyed your book.
Man: I loved your poetry. I wish I understood it.
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Meredith
He Promises He Won't Threaten You for His Share of Reparations
Black lady: I really want you guys to meet my new boyfriend. I think you'll like him.
White lady: Okaaay. Um... How is he with white people?
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JD
So Anyway, That Was My Birds and Bees Talk
Chelsea boy: ... And then he turned to me and said, 'I like her because she fucks me like a man.'
Chick: That's just not something you want to hear from your father.
--Delancey & Essex
Overheard by: les chinatown
Why Else Would He March in the Queef Pride Parade?
Hipster: I'm telling you, Bill O'Reilly is a blubbering vagina.
Tourist: No, don't say that!
Hipster: But you know he is!
Tourist: Stop!
--Union St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alex
Like That "Charm" People Always Talk About
Old man #1: You gotta watch out for those southerners. Don't think they're stupid just because they talk slow.
Old man #2: Yeah, they just talk that way to get you off your guard.
--Health & Racket Club locker room, 45th & Lex
You're Failing to See My Potential As a Straight Guy
Chick: Please turn gay and let me be your fag hag!
Dude: No...
Chick: But my potential as a fag hag is being completely wasted! I have such great potential, too! Think about it -- I am neurotic...
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Hametuka
You're Far Better Off Masturbating to Brad Pitt Movies
NYU girl: Nowadays if you get AIDS it's like, 'Whatever.'
Friend: Uh, no!
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: uses a condom
Nazi Skinheads: It's Worse Than We Thought!
White girl #1: Before I moved to New York I was white!
White girl #2: Really? I could imagine it.
--West Elm, 17th St
I'm Listening Intently
Thug #1: I'm gonna smoke that nigga. I'm gonna smoke him. Nah... Nah, he's real nice. I like him. But he didn't listen to me so I gotta smoke him.
Thug #2: Okay... Sure...
--4 train
Fortunately, She Still Got Accepted to Cornell
Bag lady: 54, 55, 56, 57, 58...
Hipster boy running by: 64, 23, 17, 81!
Bag lady: No! Stop it! Stop it! This always happens to me!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Suburban Liz
The Rest of Her Is in Stationery
Five-year-old girl in a cart: Mama! Mama? Mama?!
Fat lady pushing her: Yo' mama's fat ass is right over there by the candies.
--Pathmark, Cherry St
Overheard by: Paula
I Want to Be the Duck with High Heels and No Pants
Drunk girl #1: No, no, no, man. Picture it: we'll be like the Disney characters in Disney, but not Disney characters... I think it's a great idea.
Drunk girl #2: Are you sure?
Drunk girl #1: Yeah. All Disney but without the horror tower thing!
--D train
Overheard by: trin trin
I Got Pictures, I Got Candy, I'm a Lovable Man
Student: If child predators really wanted to find information about a kid, they don't even need to use MySpace. All they'd have to do is go to the local public library and open last year's elementary school year book...
Professor: Or they could just drive by a school and pick some kid up. You know, the old fashioned way.
--Columbia University
But Only after Gaining Power of Attorney
Dude #1: If I had money I'd eat there everyday.
Dude #2: If you had money I'd kill you and wear you like a pelt.
--Outside Walter Kerr Theater
Keeps Failing the Entrance Exam
Woman: She worked in a lesbian bar... She is not a lesbian.
Man: Well, she should be a lesbian.
Woman: Yes, exactly.
--87th & Lex
Just Looks Like a Coffee Cup on My Desk
Non-smoker to guy offering smokes: No, thanks -- I'm trying to quit.
Smoker: What do you do about the cravings?
Non-smoker: Well, when I get a craving I just dip instead.
--Wall St
Overheard by: dakota
Too Late
Dude: You really don't look much like your picture.
Girl: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude: I'm still deciding.
--W 3rd & Sullivan
Overheard by: jor
You Can't Be Sure until Menopause, If Ever
College girl #1: I feel like if I flirted with you enough, I could get you to hook up with me.
College girl #2: I am not a lesbian!
College girl #1: We'll see.
College girl #2: I cannot believe we are having this conversation again!
--Barnard College
Mommy Queerest
Girl #1: I'm not going with you.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: I have to go home and cook for lesbians.
Girl #2: Oh, your mom?
--Times Square
Overheard by: From now on this is my excuse for everything
Headline by: Mandi
Runners-Up:
· "But Don't They Usually Eat Out?" - Hobo Whisperer
· "I Think I'll Make Dyke L'Orange" - Peter
· "If I dont do it, dad will do it, and she's a lousy cook." - Extra Character
· "Ohhhh Pllllllease.... She licked your pussy once... ONCE!" - Mike Chmiel
· "Pass the Cunnilinguini" - I'm not gross in real life
· "They'd be happy with a box lunch" - Flem
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Should Take Taxis Everywhere
Chick: Yo, people pee in this place. I don't know why.
Friend: What?
Chick: I got a bionic nose. I can smell pee from three days ago.
--ACE, 14th & 8th
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Sometimes You Have to Hate the Playa
Little boy: You want me!
Little girl: You wish!
Little boy: You want me. You love me!
Little girl: Quit lyin' to yo'self!
Little boy: You want me! But you can't have me... Bitch!
--W 134th & Adam Clayton Powell Jr Blvd
Overheard by: vegannramember
On the Plus Side, It's Gotten Her Active in the Charity Scene
Middle-aged actress #1: I just spent six thousand dollars on chemotherapy for my 13-year-old cat.
Middle-aged actress #2: Oh, I have a great homeopathic vet. What kind of cancer did she have?
Middle-aged actress #1: Breast cancer. She had a full mastectomy.
--Bank St & 8th Ave
So Not Why I Wear This Collar
Teen girl #1: I hate riding in her car.
Teen girl #2: I know! It smells like dog, and then you look like dog.
--Bushwick
Overheard by: -|
Well, Did You Have a Boo-Boo on Your Anus?
12-year-old skater kid: Dad, is there such a thing as a friendly kiss?
Dad: I will neither confirm nor deny the veracity of that statement at this time.
12-year-old skater kid: What a nerd. Mom?
Mom: Depends where it was, honey.
12-year-old skater kid, into cell: Dude, where did she kiss you?
--Toys "R" Us
Where Lawyers Come From
Spazzed customer: Yo, dude, I need something to help me concentrate. I have to take a really big test and then I can forget it all. I have to take the bar -- have you heard of that? It's for being a lawyer.
Employee: Um, well, we have this herbal product to increase the blood flow to your brain.
Spazzed customer: Can I smoke pot with it?
Employee: Uh, sure.
Spazzed customer: Great. You take credit cards?
Employee: Yeah.
Spazzed customer: Great, thanks [leaves the store without buying anything].
--GNC, Astoria
At the Moment, I'm Still Working on My Earwax Candle
Man #1: Oh, you know what you could do is eat a bunch of rice and beans and then shit it out, and you could make bricks out of it.
Man #2: Yeah, some day...
--Elevator, 36 W 25th St
Overheard by: Francine
You Seem Like a Nice Kid, So I'm Just Gonna Tell You to Go Fuck Yourself
Tween boy with box of candy: Yo, wanna buy a candy bar?
Suit: No, thanks. I'm good.
Tween boy: Well, I'm not, asshole. Buy a goddamn candy bar!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Charlie
Plus, My AdSense Numbers Are Down
Office diva: You read my blog on lesbian wolf packs?
Office janitrix: Not yet.
Office diva: Gotta check it out. Shit's pretty intense.
--W 25th St
I've Already Got Plenty of STDs
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm excited to come up and visit you, but I heard your school has a lot of STDs. Should I even bother bringing my cock?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
She's More of a "Lilith," Don't You Think?
Out-of-town poser #1 looking at Condoleezza Rice painting: Look, they painted Satan!
Out-of-town poser #2: Shhh! Someone'll hear you!
Out-of-town poser #1: Pshaw. I don't have to be quiet in New York City. Everyone agrees with me.
--MoMA
I Don't Know How You Guys Can Walk around with All That Dangly Stuff
Jogging man: Well, let's just say there's more than one use for a pocket.
Jogging woman: Ewww! Gross!
--Prospect Park
Survival Skills Are for Pussies
Suit #1: Life preservers are for pussies.
Suit #2: Yeah, I can make a flotation device out of my jeans.
Suit #1: Oh, yeah? Were you in the Navy?
Suit #2: No, I just took a water safety class. But that's why the guys in the Navy wear bell-bottoms -- so they can take their pants off without taking off their boots, so their feet won't freeze.
Suit #3: Can you use any jeans for this?
Suit #2: Fire-resistant ones are best.
--Elevator, 61 Broadway
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
And Finding Ways to Make Them Taste Like Meat
Girl: We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks.
Male passerby: How can vegetarians love the environment? You keep eating all the plants!
--93rd & Lex
Overheard by: Carnivore
I Forgot -- the Rules Change When You Stop Paying Rent
Hobo #1: What the fuck are you doing?
Hobo #2: Taking a piss.
Hobo #1: Oh!
Hobo #2: Since when is pissing on a tree illegal? This is a free country, motherfucker.
Hobo #1: I know.
--Central Park
Anybody Can Be Happy to See a Good Kid
Mom: Grandma was happy to see you. Why did you have to go and kick her legs?
Little boy, shrugging: Sawww-eee.
--45th & Lex
And That's How I Got the Idea for My Animal Proctology Practice
Man with kid: So, that day I was holding my dog and walking down the stairs when all of a sudden I just fell... And guess what?! My dog landed flat on my face! His ass was on my face! His ass!
Friend: Ummm...
--Springfield, Queens
You're Both Watching The Da Vinci Code
Girl #1: Don't you think it's crazy how the Bible was written in English?
Girl #2: I'm pretty sure it was written in Latin first...
Girl #1: I'm an idiot.
--Da Vinci Code showing, AMC Empire 25 theater
Overheard by: Jenn
Her Research Clearly Lacked a Control Group
Chick: Are you chewing gum?
Dude: Yeah...
Chick: Take that out of your mouth. I hear that you get cancer by chewing gum while smoking.
--W 4th St
There Should Be Just One Word Per Meaning
Bimbette: Why does that van say in-valid transportation? Why isn't it valid?
Friend: That's not 'in-valid'; it's invalid. They transport invalids. You know, the handicapped.
Bimbette: Well, why don't they say so?
--Bus, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
This Guy Is the First Stop on the Tour
Tour bus driver to pedestrian: Take the great New York tour!
Man: Why the fuck would I pay to see the rats and piss I can see for free? Fuck you!
--Outside Plaza Hotel, Central Park South
Just before They Punch Me
Girl: You have to try this pasta I bought. It's the best dry pasta you've ever tasted.
Boy: Best? I'll try it, but I should warn you -- I'm Italian.
Girl: Ugh, Italian people are always saying that!
--Elevator, NYU, Water St
Overheard by: Abram
I Hate It 'cause It's Dirty, but I Love It 'cause It's Home
Chick: This block is kinda difficult to walk.
Dude: I know. Watch out for the syringes, condoms, and shit.
--Lawton St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: Dodging the excrements of various objects
Or I'll Be Forced to Learn Something
Dude: So I just wrote, 'John Locke was a great guy.'
Chick: That's all you wrote? How many points did you get?
Dude: He gave me eight out of ten! He must have felt sorry for me.
Chick: Wow. I hope the professors at my school are that easy.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: writing these two out of the social contract
"My Coke Dealer Says" Wouldn't Have Had the Same Ring
Loud lady: Would you like a tissue? [Guy on phone snivels loudly, shakes head. Lady waves tissue at him.] Excuse me, here's a tissue.
Guy, covering phone: No, thanks.
Loud lady: Please take the tissue. I hate that noise you're making. It's disgusting.
Guy, into phone: Nobody. I'm waiting for the train to move and some woman wants me to blow my nose.
Loud lady: It's making me sick to look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take the tissue!
Guy, to loud lady: My mom says you're a rude bitch who should shut the fuck up and go to the next car if you don't like it! [Lady storms off.]
--N train, Ditmars station, Astoria
Overheard by: A Mother Says What?
Better Than That Place Where the Comedians Beat You Up and Rob You
Comedy club promoter: Hey, you guys want free beers and some laughs?
Teen tourists' chaperone: They're underage.
Comedy club promoter: How about free sodas and a few giggles?
--Outside Hilton Theatre
Overheard by: Amused Teenage Tourist
And You Once Told Me Forrest Gump Deserved Best Picture
Guy: These shoes are so comfortable I can walk in them!
Girl: That could quite possibly be the dumbest shit you have ever said.
--Neptune Ave & Ocean Pkwy
Overheard by: i am that guy
Bigots: We Try and We Try, but They Just Don't Listen
Guy #1: ... Wop.
Girl: You know, 'wop' means 'Polish.'
Guy #2: No, it doesn't. It means 'White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.'
--Elevator, 630 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Ann
Sign: We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Zombies
Waiter: Why don't they just make commercial flamethrowers?
Maître d': I dunno, but how else are you supposed to kill zombies?
--Cascata Café, Bleecker
Then We'll Buy Another Balloon and Pop That
Mother to crying girl: You stop that or I'll pop your balloon.
Father: Yeah, we'll pop your balloon.
--1 train, 116th St
Overheard by: EK
Do You Know Why None of Your Stories Go Anywhere?
Little boy: Now?
Grandma: No! Now? Now? You sound like Taco, my old cat. Now? Now? He had a funny way of meowing.
Little boy: He looked like a taco that you eat?
Grandma: No. I don't know why they called him Taco.
--Myrtle & Washington
Overheard by: Kevin Michael Lee
That 's Up to You, Sir
Cranky old guy looking at belts: Is this real fucking leather?!
Pakistani vendor: Yes, sir. It is real fucking leather.
Ethnically ambiguous 20-ish male: Are these real fucking hats?
--St. Mark's Pl, between 3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: MC Sluttner
A Little Someone I Picked Up in the Museum Gift Shop
Processed 60-ish brunette: I'm seeing Arthur again.
Processed 60-ish blonde: Arthur from upstate?
Processed 60-ish brunette: No, Arthur from the Holocaust.
--Le Pain Quotidien, 17th & 7th
Overheard by: Nancy Weber
At Least, That's My Master's Thesis
Preppy girl #1: What's the difference between men's shaving cream and women's shaving cream?
Preppy girl #2: Um... I think it's a different chemical reaction or something.
--CVS, Willets Pt & Francis Lewis Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: Jackie R.
Plain Living and High Thinking, That's for Me
Girl #1: When I get rich I'm going to spend all of my money on art.
Girl #2: Me, too.
Girl #1: And wine. But really cheap wine, so I have more money to spend on art.
Girl #2: Well, it's not like you drink anything but wine from a box now. You'll be fine.
--Galeria Ramis Barquet, Chelsea
Why the US Celebrates Mother's Day
Mother: Oh my god, close the goddamn window! Close it!
Kid: No! I'm hot!
Mother: I swear. Oh my god, close the window!
Kid: Nooo!
Mother, moving to adjacent seat: You know what? You [points to laughing stranger] -- she's your new mommy. Listen to her.
New mommy: Boy, close that window. Oh my god, close that window!
--M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Kevo
Keds? Really?
Girl: Fall Out Boy would fuck me for my shoes.
Friend: Yo, I would fuck you for your shoes.
Cashier: Lemme see your shoes? [Nods] I'd fuck you for your shoes.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Myshoes
And It Looks Remarkably Like Century 21
Conductor: World Trade Center-bound E train. Next stop -- Seventh Avenue.
Teen #1: We have to get off.
Teen #2: Huh... They built the World Trade Center again! Whoa.
--E train
It Tingled
Rider #1: America's a great country, but people don't want to defend her. They don't want to go to the front lines and get their brains blown out.
Rider #2: Been there; done that.
--D train
But Instead I Just Tape It and Send It to Jason
Roommate #1: Were you dreaming about Jason last night? You were moaning so loud it woke me up.
Roommate #2: Oh my god, I was? Have I ever done that before?
Roommate #1: All the time. Every once in a while I think about kicking you or something to see if you cum.
--NYU
Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?
Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?
--56th & Madison
Overheard by: trooshieb
I Raised Three Generations There
Chick: I love the L train. On the Q they always wake you up at the end of the line.
Man: Oh, I know! The L train changed my life!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: michael nesline
Might Be Time to Retire That Commercial
Man #1: Hey, are you gellin' like Magellan, ya cocksuckin' bastard?
Man #2: I'm so gellin', I fuckin' raped Magellan in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue, before World War Two in 1942.
--Outside Madame Tussaud's, 42nd St
Overheard by: These guys are so not gellin'
Of Course, If He'd Said That about Clue I'd Have to Club Him
Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn't feel any need to see it again?
Tim Curry: I'd say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.
--Actor's Fund event, 52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
And You're Not Exactly a Catch
NYU girl: When you meet a straight guy can you please introduce him to me?
NYU queer: There's, like, a waiting list for them.
--Rubin residence hall, NYU
I'm Too Busy to Worry about It
Teen #1: Alright, how about Christian Bale-John Preston, or Christian Bale the Batman?
Teen #2: Definitely the Batman.
Teen #1: Yeah, but it's John Preston.
Teen #2: Look, Bruce Wayne would kick John Preston's ass, Grammaton Cleric or no.
Teen #1: You know we're gonna be single forever, right?
--NYU
Overheard by: Trevor Reznik all the way
Tall Guy, Blue Jacket with Red and White Striped Trousers...?
Black guy: Yo, you gotta know Uncle Sam, man. I mean, you pay your taxes, right?
Indian clerk: No, I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
--Deli, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: hoch
Faith Means Waiting for Gods Who Never Come
Professor: C'mon, people, we've all done it. It's called a hand job. The priestess gave the statue a hand job every morning to keep the world going.
Student: Um, how did she know when the statue finished?
Professor: Well... I guess... when the sun came up.
--Religion and Love class, Hunter College
Overheard by: LH
And He Was Searching for a Tiny White Whale
20-ish girl #1: Wait, so the midget had a peg leg?
20-ish girl #2, annoyed: No. The midget was the peg leg!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Gretchen
Headline by: Ignatius Gerumpany
Runners-Up:
· "And He Had a Pygmy for an Eye Patch" - Jordan
· "Jerry Springer will never run out of material..." - alex
· "Pinocchio's Tragic End" - Tristan Davis
· "The rigor mortis kept him nice and stable." - internev
· "Transformers Porn Is Too Confusing" - Jenny C
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Will Miss Your Company on My Downward Spiral
Hot blonde: ... So that fucking asshat actually cried and said, 'Is this because you have morals and I don't?' And I was like, 'Yes, you fucking asshat. I'm dumping you because you have no morals and you cheated on me with femdoms!'
--Central Park
When Marketing Metastasizes
Dad: What are you doing up there?
Six-year-old boy in front of large sign, waving frantically: I'm helping them advertise!
--Outside Redeye Grill
Overheard by: Target Audience
Topless Is So Pre-Menopause
Woman: That's a nice shirt!
Friend: Thanks! I never wear shirts -- I think I'll start wearing them more often!
--Restaurant, Gramercy
Wednesday One-Liners Cuff the Carrot
Girl: I have to announce when I'm scratching my mons, because I don't want people to think I'm just standing on the street all sketchily masturbating in public.
--M86 bus
Freshman: You should just go into a different room, masturbate, and then come back!
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Dude: It's so hot out! I mean, if it was cold I'd jerk off to warm up.
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Maia
Man on cell: So, you faked six orgasms?! And you weren't even masturbating?
--Outside Big Jimmy's, 77th & 2nd
Overheard by: (a very confused) bronxelf
Hipster on cell: Do you know how boring life would be if you didn't have to think at all? If you just sat around all day jerking off? God, I showed you what that was like.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Different strokes
Pretty girl: Well, I'm probably prettier than any girl you've ever talked to in a club! [Other riders clap.] Have fun with your hand tonight!
--1 train
Overheard by: Bri
Wednesday One-Liners Lack Human Companionship
Large black man to tiny dog with hacking cough: I told you three times already: Calm yo'self!
--Cunningham Park, Queens
Overheard by: HelloClairice
Woman to dog: You're not paying attention, now are you?
--83rd & Broadway
Woman to her two dogs: Sit down... And don't steal anything.
--Pet store, Park Slope
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Woman to dog barking at passerby: No, that's not appropriate.
--70th & Amsterdam
Man to dog: J-Lo, come here!
--Union Square Dog Run
Overheard by: Buns
Little boy holding a Dachshund: Too many weenies! Too many weenies, Mister Weenie!
--Daschund Day, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rpk
Toothless man on bike to Shih Tzu: You gotta watch out! Have some human food. Eat at a Chinese restaurant. You a classy dog!
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Wednesday One-Liners Realize It's Nothing Like Sex and the City
British tourist, after Avenue Q: Well, that was different than Mary Poppins!
--Golden Theater, W 45th St
Overheard by: Knew Exactly What I Was Getting Into
Tourist: What day do they film Saturday Night Live?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Candy
Tourist chick pointing at Chrysler Building: Look, y'all -- the Eiffel Tower!
--Top of Empire State Building
Tourist mom with three kids: Look! Applebees!
--Times Square
Gleeful tourist: I see Wendy's!
--Bond & Broadway
Teen tourist: So, what is Long Island? Is it not a state? I don't get it!
--LIRR
Overheard by: jangbang
Tourist teen spotting Che Guevara shirt at vendor: Oh my god! Isn't that Tom Cruise in Top Gun?
--Canal St
Overheard by: the asian princess
Grey's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: We don't know what's in her head... or her throat.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess
Girl: Is that your thumb I'm feeling? Dude, that's your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?
--South St Seaport
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
French woman: That's not his butthole, it's his mouth.
--Broom & Grand St
Overheard by: Kevin
Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend's bellybutton.
--9th & 3rd
Chick: Why'd you chop off both stomachs?
--69th and Amsterdam
Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?
--Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey
Overheard by: ashley
Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.
--4th & Bowery
Wednesday One-Liners Go through the Out Door
Old woman drinking tea: It wasn't butt sex -- he just wanted the remote.
--440 Studios
Overheard by: Jaclyn
Guy on cell: Oh my god, you are so interesting. Someday our bodies will connect like God intended -- in anal poundage.
--Soho
Overheard by: Shea
Woman on cell: So, wait -- do we have to, like, hire someone to stand behind him and force it in?
--28th & 8th
Angry black lady to bartender: Excuse me! I asked for Sex on the Beach, and you gave me Butt-Fuck on the Pond!
--Gotham Bar & Grill
Hobo to cute chick: I like it in the tuckus!
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey F.
Chick on cell: I'm just one of those people that needs to have lots of anal sex.
--Barnes and Noble, 17th St
Overheard by: didn't need to know that
Queer to friend: And yeah, I have typhoid! So I guess I can't sodomize anybody...
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: dude, you have typhoid?
Night of the Living Wednesday One-Liners
Prada-clad German professor: It is not chic to be dead, ja?
--NYU
Woman: Okay, I'll see you later! Tell your wife I hope she finds the body!
--84th & 1st
Overheard by: Omar
WASP lady: Alan has been so much better since Maggie's murder.
--Village-bound cab, 9th Ave
Overheard by: Tang
Woman: I don't do death well.
--Chelsea
Dude: What does a ham sandwich have to do with the death of Christ?!
--Bleecker & Bowery
Women on cell: No, they only have male cadavers... Yeah, it is a bummer.
--Union St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mitchell
NYU girl: It was amazing, and I also saw a dead guy on the street this morning. I saw Oprah and a dead guy all in one day!
--Starbucks, W 4th St
Wednesday One-Liners Celebrate V-J-J Day
Girl to male friend: I mean, they were both lousy lovers, but when it came right down to it her vagina was just too wide.
--110th & Broadway
Ghetto teen: Yo, girl! Don't be pickin' at yo' pussy like that in the street! You'll be on YouTube tomorrow!
--South St Seaport
Overheard by: Big Larry
JAP: I don't understand how a baby just fell out of her vagina and she didn't feel anything!
--Outside Lafayette St dorm, NYU
Overheard by: Philouza
Girl on cell: I fully support the idea of a vagina factory.
--7th St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Liam Cubbin
Bimbette: Tiff, do these make my vagina look furry?
--Dressing room, Macy's
Overheard by: SarahM
Chick: My vagina seems so crooked today...
--23rd & 5th
Overheard by: Bruce
Girl on cell: No! He was seriously, like, drilling for oil or something. My vagina is not a source of fossil fuel!
--Central Park
Overheard by: But it'd be cool if it were
Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House
Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.
--C train
Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her -- call me what you want -- but I ran.
--C train
Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.
--4 train
Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?
--Union Square
Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that's my fucking bread and butter!
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Bread and butter, that's my fucking bread and butter
Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad...
--JFK
Overheard by: Wondering
Wednesday One-Liners, Ph.D.
Professor: So, I realized I like everyone in the class, and I need to be indifferent about at least one person. So I'm going to pick someone at random. [Points at seating chart] Alicia. Oh, she's not here. [She comes in late.] Oh, Alicia's here. See if I care.
--NYU Law
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Professor: ... And all of this relates to Freud's concept of the super Eggo.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: had some for breakfast
Professor: Saturday night and Sunday morning are very different. Saturday night is for killing people!
--English class, Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Monia Paford
Professor: I haven't lost any weight this semester... in case you noticed.
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Limey
Professor: Now, I think we already went over the properties of constructive and destructive waves in Chapter 15 last semester... But then again, I could be drunk.
--Physics Lecture Hall, NYU
Overheard by: I come to class for the jokes
Professor: I can just see those [small Jersey city] creeps sneaking over the river, buying Coach purses on Canal Street, going back home and pretending that they're real... It burns me.
--NYU