Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
May 2007 Archives
And That's How I Came Up with the Lyrics to A Moveable Feast
Guy #1: So, I was at this thing last night playing guitar or whatever, and my friend Ashley* is eating out this fat guy's asshole...
Guy #2: What?!
Guy #1: Yeah, seriously.
--Dorm elevator, Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: OnlyinNY
Better -- They Got Written Permission for Birth Control
Crackhead #1: You went to Catholic school?
Crackhead #2: Yeah... Well, not for long 'cause I got kicked out for punching a nun in the face.
Crackhead #1: Wow. Did your parents get their money back, at least?
--L train
Good to Know There's Some Common Ground
Black guy #1 walking behind a lady with kid: Damn! I didn't know white women had butts like our black women.
Black guy #2: Me neither.
--Liberty Ave, Queens
Overheard by: nycgal
Mom's a Reluctant Convert to Heterosexuality
Little boy: But Mom, what is my penis for?
Mom: I told you, if you have questions about that stuff, ask Daddy -- not Mommy!
--Central Park South
Overheard by: L.L.
Unless It's the One that Says "Punch Me in the Face"
Male employee #1 refolding shit-load of shirts: If I ever see a girl on the street wearing one of these shirts, I'm gonna punch her in the face.
Male employee #2: Yeah.
--Urban Outfitters, 11th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shelby
His Tongue Is All Purple, Though
Woman #1: So, what you think about Duane?
Woman #2: Girl, he all up in my Kool-Aid and he don't even know the flavah!
--Deli, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cloisterpunk
No Further Humps after That
Redhead: ... And he's been bottling this all up and I guess my freak-out just pushed him over the edge.
Blonde: Yeah, totally. Like the straw that tipped the camel over...
--Haru, 18th & Park
I'm Happy to Let a Man Drive
Tourist girl: Excuse me, does this bus go to 61st?
Bus driver: Yeah.
Tourist girl: How much is it?
Bus driver: 20 bucks... or a kiss [points to cheek].
Tourist girl: Okay!
Friend: What is with you and public transportation workers?!
--Bus stop, 49th & Madison
But, You Know, I Always See the Good in People
Man #1: She's got a kid, and I want no part of that. But I like her a lot...
Man #2: Right.
Man #1: I mean, she's not that attractive, you know, but she has a nice ass.
--3 train
Overheard by: rat
A Tranny in the Clam Is Worth Two in the Tush
Artsy 30-something #1: I remember this one photograph -- this beautiful transsexual Latino in a clam like the Venus de Milo.
Artsy 30-something #2: Yes, I actually helped organize that picture.
Artsy 30-something #1: Oh, really? How was she?
Artsy 30-something #2: Beautiful. She lactated.
Artsy 30-something #1: Nice.
--Tea & Sympathy
Overheard by: No milk in my tea, thanks....
Headline by: bri b
Runners-Up:
· "HeShe's a Lactina." - Amanda Lee
· "Out of her penis." - Kate
· "Wait until you see my menstrating Pieta" - Sean McGurr
· "We named it Penis de Milko" - Erez Schatz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Yeah, War's the Perfect Time to Lose Your Faith
Professor: So, the gospel of Luke differs from Mark in its concern about... [Walks across room to look at poster promoting Iraq War protest, studies it for a moment, then returns to podium.] Sorry, I was distracted by the war. [Students laugh.] No, really. The things we're doing right now are actually really pointless in the world we live in. [Silence.] Okay! Back to pretending my job is important. Anyway...
--NYU
Yeah, but Is It Eat-Me-During-My-Period Hot?
Girl: God, whenever you kiss me on the subway your teeth hit mine! I think some drool got up my nose.
Boy: That is so hot.
--C train
Overheard by: Lauren
I'm Barred from Crate & Barrel for Life
Dude: So, what did you do?
Hung-over girl: I was really embarrassed at first and I tried to hide it. Then I was like, 'Fuck it, yeah, I peed in your bed.'
--Restaurant, Chelsea
Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners
Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! ... Can I have a cigarette?
--74th & Ridge Blvd
Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!
--Metro-North, Bronx
Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I'm watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it's like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: djw
Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.
--26th & Broadway
Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I'm just going to have a smoke.
--C train
Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We'll have smoked all our vanilla extract!
--Elderidge & Rivington
Overheard by: Karin
Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion
Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: at a loss
Guy: Man, I've been married two days and I want to cheat!
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: noseinabook
Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they're fighting... Yes! She's screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together... I don't know, but it's really creepy -- it's like she knew we'd be here this morning -- she walked in like two minutes after we did... Oh my god, she's coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I'm a lesbian!
--Starbucks, Union Square
Overheard by: That works...
Guy at table: ... And I've got my finger in another guy's wife's pussy, basically...
--Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union
Overheard by: Paul
Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren't married, I'd be in love with you.
--35th & Lenox, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rei
Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.
--JetBlue flight, JFK runway
Yo, It's Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I'm Sayin'?
Beefy Italian guy on cell: He's got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!
--3rd St & Ave A
Overheard by: Liz A.
Italian chick: My brother got so many velours -- he got more velours than the stores!
--Staten Island Ferry
Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That's my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!
--Midtown
Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence -- you define it!
--Spring & Mott
Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II
Italian hardhat: Yo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she's not banging me two days after she knows me. I'm sorry if that upsets you.
--75th & Madison
Overheard by: Anne
Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!
--Duane Reade, Fulton St
Overheard by: tj
Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses
Hipster girl to hipster guy: ... And it's like, he cums on me and it's like it doesn't even mean anything!
--L train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Ht-hrw
Hipster: You know, 'bedbugs' is just a classy name for crabs.
--7th & Ave A
Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.
--14th St & Union Square South
Overheard by: Almost Tourist
Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.
--Outside The Slaughtered Lamb
Overheard by: bonzo
Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I'd had an abortion.
--120th & Amsterdam
Hipster: Well, I can't help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!
--Montrose stop
Overheard by: big baby
Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There's just something about her that really turns guys on, and it's not just because she's blind.
--Columbus Circle
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master's in Evacuation
Lady: Okay, it's been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.
--The Factory, Christopher St
Man: Shit! Why isn't this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can't just take a piss right here, 'cause I need to be all proper and shit.
--1 train
Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: ... And then I got peed on. I got peed on -- on my face! I wanna get peed on again.
--Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave
Overheard by: WTF Mate
Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?
--9th & 7th
Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That's what I told her -- he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.
--B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!
--Chambers St station
Overheard by: Cat
Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!
--Restroom, Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: it was mine too.
With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners
Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her.
--Public Library
Overheard by: Robyn
Old lady: No, man, I ain't doin' no E! I ain't done no E in years!
--86th & Lex
Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad -- he deserved to die!
--Outside Sarge's, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini
Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Pie.
--Brighton Beach
Old black lady on pay phone: 'Do me up the butt'? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl.
--96th & Broadway
Overheard by: davees
Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That's what we need to fight for.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Cortitos Del Miércoles
Saucy Latina: I don't want to get a bikini wax if it won't be sexual.
--Dallas BBQ, Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin' Ash Wednesday!
--42nd St. 4 station
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi... And tell you I'm never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!
--24th & 7th
Whiny Latina: I don't want to sweat today -- I can't mess up my hair!
--New York Sports Club, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, 'The bathroom's right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?'
--3 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you're a pig and need more than one woman and that's why we aren't getting married!
--Near Steinway St, Queens
Overheard by: ADC
Latino thug: That's what we do. That's what we do when we hangin' out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That's what we do. All my niggas, that's what we do!
--Ft Greene
Overheard by: Andrew
Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It
Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!
--Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History
Dad to seven-year-old son: If you're gonna steal somethin', you gotta steal somethin' you can sell.
--Museum of Natural History gift shop
Overheard by: rufus
Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big... Bang? What's that?
--Museum of Natural History
Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It's like you and Dad on your honeymoon!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Dottie
Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.
--Museum of Natural History
Mother: Stop screaming! They can't hear you!
--Museum of Natural History
Wednesday One-Liners Get Prison Tats
Woman: If it's not illegal, it's not worth doing. That's my motto.
--Walker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy on cell: If I put on some weight around the middle, I'll just go to jail and get my six-pack back. I don't give a fuck!
--Bay Ridge Pkwy & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: The Inimitable Karen
Mother to young son: If you do that again, Mommy's going to send you to Rikers!
--Staples, the Village
Overheard by: Afraid of Tough Love
Man to female companion: Imagine the kind of cool stuff we could do if we didn't have jobs. We'd totally learn how to be pickpockets. What's the worst that could happen? We'd get arrested and thrown in jail for a couple days every once in a while, but we'd make so much money!
--Rockefeller Center
Pilot: ... And to your left you'll see Rikers Island, where I spend my weekends...
--Flight to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Drumm
Angry woman: Thank God that shit came back negative. Maybe I can drop them charges now!
--Free STD screening clinic, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Freudian Slip
Announcer before start of women's race: Women, please be careful of men trying to go in from behind.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Omar
Man: Wow, this is the most nuts I've ever had in my mouth at one time!
--Chocolate shop, Jane St & 8th Ave
Chick pointing at T-Rex: Oh my god, it's so big! Don't you wanna just ride it?
--Museum of Natural History
Conductor: Sorry, folks. Looks like I'm having some trouble in my rear.
--C train
Overheard by: mosteen.
MTA employee: Don't just stick it in... No, you have to ease it in and glide it through.
--A/C/E subway entrance, 44th St
Overheard by: Patrick
Mom to hubby holding sunscreen: Honey, did you lube up the kids?
--Central Park, near 96th St tennis courts
Lady to lesbian coworker: I wish somebody would warm up my muffin.
--1250 Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner
Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.
--Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: EA
Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.
--West Village
Lady on cell: Yeah, I'm really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.
--83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Debbie
Woman: I'd rather eat homeless person's cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.
--Clinton & Stanton
Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There's just something unattractive about them.
--Bus to Penn Station
Mother to screaming child: If you don't stop crying I am going to eat you!
--100th & Broadway
Overheard by: briana
Bouncer to girl showing ID: You're so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal... and eat your ass.
--West Village
Overheard by: RBNY
Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals
20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!
--N train, Broadway stop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?
Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!
--E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"
Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Kevp
Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras... or dinosaurs.
--Museum of Natural History
Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? 'Cause you touch yourself at night!
--14th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Stella
Wait, What Have You Been Doing with It until Now?
Preschool girl: Mom, can we go to that restaurant? I'm so hungry!
Mom: No, we're almost home.
Preschool girl: But Mom! I'm so hungry I just drank my own spit!
--M86 bus, 86th & York
Overheard by: Cynthia
You Just Need to Stop Hanging around with Grad Students
College student: Hey, what's up?
Grad student, slowly: The stench of humanity is strong within my nostrils.
--Hungarian Pastry Shop
I Need a Proposal That Comes in a Serious Park, or from a Non-Pedophile
Girl: I can't believe you took me to Bryant Park to propose to me!
Boy: But I want to marry you!
Girl: And you got down on one knee and what did you expect me to say?
Boy: That you will marry me?
Girl: But I can't marry you -- you sleep with boys!
--B train, 42nd St
Every Day Is a String of Missed Opportunities for Bong Hits
Lady suit #1: You still on drugs?
Lady suit #2: I'm trying...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Shai Googly
Right Now I'm Just Using a Carrot As a Placeholder
Chick: Oh, that's cute -- you've got a long distance girlfriend? Do you have a lot of phone or web sex?
Dude: Uh, no. We're not really into that.
Chick: Oh, I know what you mean. I gotta have a dick in me for sure.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles
Lindsay Reps Her Own Urine These Days
Hobo putting hand on Justin Timberlake look-alike's shoulder: Oh, shit! It's Justin Timberlake, everybody!
Look-alike: Uh, what?
Tourist teenybopper: Can I have your autograph, please?
Look-alike: I'm not Justin Timberlake.
Tourist teenybopper: But you are.
Hobo, to look-alike: Dude, you work with me here, okay? We'll do business. [To train] Ten bucks for Justin Timberlake's autograph, everyone! For 20 bucks he'll dance for you.
Tourist teenybopper: I have five dollars...
Hobo: We're in business!
Look-alike: I'm going to kill you.
Hobo, to look-alike: Damn, this is the best plan I've ever come up with! Except for the time I tried to sell Lindsay Lohan's piss for 20 bucks. Well, it was actually my own piss. I think God put me on this Earth to fuck with people.
--4 train
US Military: Sign Here, Please
Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get 'em while you far away so they don't know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I'd love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!
--23rd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: lady v
I Mean, What Are the Odds He's a Gentleman?
Chick: If he was straight he would have been staring at my breasts!
Queer passerby: It's true.
--W 54th & 9th
Overheard by: Big Poppa
Without Buying a Vowel
Student: I can't pronounce your last name.
Professor: Neither can I.
--The New School
Like Trying to Stop the Tide, Mom
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
--Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
And It Always Tries to Take the Back Roads
Guy #1: Have you done the naked yoga thing?
Guy #2: No, not yet.
Girl: I have to imagine that's a little dangerous for a guy.
Guy #1: No, it's okay. The cock pretty much knows where to go.
Girl: Not in my experience.
--19th & 3rd
Guy Did Have a Nice Ass, Though
Man #1: Yo, man! Get your ass out of my face! I ain't no faggot.
Man #2, bent over: I'm sorry.
Man #1: I oughta put my shoe up your ass.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: What, you didn't see me sitting here? I don't want your ass in my face.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: No, you're not.
Man #2: No, I really am sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry [quickly disembarks at next stop].
Man #1: Did you see that? I ain't no fag.
--4 train
Otherwise Known As the Super Ego
Teacher: Today we are going to learn about Sigmund Freud. Do you know who Sigmund Freud was?
Student: Was he on Oprah?
--105th & 3rd
Got a Match?
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
We Celebrated the Lunar Festival of the Giant Rat
Woman: So, what did you do for Easter?
Man: I took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. My ex says I never do anything for those kids. I guess I showed her, and I can't wait to tell her that next week in court.
--N train, Astoria
Laugh Now -- You'll Be Paying Me $300 an Hour to Fight Your DWI Case
Drunk guy, about textbook-toting passersby: Look, baby -- law students!
Drunk girl: What? Where?
Drunk guy: Look at them! Haha, look! They even have books! NYU law students!
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Helen Thomas: Um, Follow-up Question, Mr. Slacker?
Dude #1: So, the other night I killed a mouse by rolling over on it in my sleep.
Dude #2: How did you know you killed it? Did you feel it or just wake up and find it there?
Dude #1: Yeah, when I woke up in the morning I looked over and was like, 'Oh, a mouse,' and then I took a picture.
--Ciao for Now, 12th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Coffee drinker who just lost her appetite
If You're Unfamiliar with Elves, Think Matches
Dude: Yeah, I put Tiger Balm on my testicles and it felt like a million breathing elves.
Chick: Oooh, minty! That must have been nice.
Dude: Oh, no -- like fire-breathing elves.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Pengasaurus X