Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
June 2007 Archives
Another NYC Get-a-Room Production
Chick #1: Thanks, bitch.
Chick #2: I'm obsessed with you!
Chick #1: A restraining order couldn't stop my love.
--Canal St, Chinatown
Overheard by: i'm scared
And, Like, What Kind of School Involves Factory Labor?
Latina #1 pushing stroller: Mira! Today was the first day of David's school!
Latina #2: Damn! It start so quickly already?
Latina #1: Yeah, I went to drop David and met with the principal. He seemed a bit shady.
Latina #2: Shady? Like how?
Latina #1: I dunno. He was going on about how he treat everybody in school like his own children. I was like, 'Hold up! What family has so many kids, anyway?'
--9th & 4th
You're Right, But for the Wrong Reasons.
Woman: You won't take a fifty? Why won't you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don't have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!
Counter chick: It's company policy, we can't take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.
Woman: I don't want it on the house! I want to pay!
Counter chick: Don't worry about it. It's on the house. You don't have to pay.
Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won't let me pay! This is my husband's fault! He owns a nightclub and he won't give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won't let me pay! I feel like I'm homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
--Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd
Overheard by: oliver tomorrow
Such a Good Boy
Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy's house this weekend.
Five-year-old boy: If he doesn't buy me a new toy, I'm going to slice his sausage open!
--Canal St
Overheard by: Ashley
Maybe in Version 2.0
Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it's covered in cum.
Girl #2: Mmm... If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday... I wish I tasted like this.
Girl #1: Word.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Alex Berger
"Soulmate" Conversations Are Graded on a Sliding Scale
Lady: Oh, man, I hate it when it rains, because there's water and you get wet.
Male companion: Yes, I know exactly what you mean.
--6 train, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Beth
Jesus Plays the Race Card
Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony Jones
Every Day's a Gift, Babe. Shoes Are a Bonus
Mom: Will you look at that -- a shoe store!
Four-year-old girl: Isn't it magical?
--Payless Shoe Store, Astoria
It's a Stinky Slope
Old hobo, to no one: Don't start smellin'!
Young hobo: Are you serious?
Old hobo: You think I'm jokin'?
--W 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jon A.
I Should Take That Class at the New School
Girl #1: So, basically, if I keep having sex with him I continue to get drugs for free.
Girl #2: No one ever offers me drugs for sex.
Girl #1: Well, I guess you just don't have that street-whore quality about you.
--E train
Overheard by: melanie
You Can't Fix Everything with Explosives
Old guy browsing power tools: What about a bomb?
Buddy: A bomb? ... We already talked about that.
--Home Depot, 23rd St
Overheard by: Benjamin
Well, I Guess I Have Time for a Short One
Comedy promoter: Come on! Great show -- you know you want to come!
Tourist girl: No, thanks, I'm good. C
Comedy promoter: Come on! We have midget strippers!
--Times Square
She's a Cleavage Psychic
Little girl: Will I have big mountain nungas like you someday?
Big sister: Only hillocks, I fear.
--58th & 6th
Overheard by: EAK
Hey, I Barely Care about New York
Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!
Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?
Yuppie lady: No, it's in--
Cashier, interrupting: --Yeah, then I don't care.
--Clothing store, 54th & 5th
Or Should We Actually Go to Biology Class Today?
Boy pushing friend toward bathroom: Hurry! Empty your gizzard!
Girl: You mean my uterus?
--Brooklyn Tech High School
Why Lecture Halls Have Ejector Seats
Angry theology teacher: God created Adam and Eve--
Chick, cutting her off: --Who created God?
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
This Pony Keg Is Due Any Day Now
Lady: Sir, this woman is very pregnant. Please give her your seat.
Fat man: Yeah, well, I'm very fat, and that's basically the same thing.
--4 train
How about Astroglide Aston?
Sixth-grade boy #1: What's my stripper name?
Sixth-grade boy #2: Sexy Frank.
Sixth-grade boy #3: No! The names have to have assonance!
Sixth-grade boy #2: My name is Horny Harry!
Sixth-grade boy #1: I'm Lubricant Liam!
--121 Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anna
Don't You Even Want to Work?
Old woman: You should really go to the men's homeless shelter.
Hobo: I'm a woman.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Marcus
Maureen Makes the Transition to Casual Celibacy
Young girl #1: The guy hasn't called me in, like, a week...
Young girl #2: His loss.
Young girl #1: But I didn't even get to hook up with him!
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: MattyG
Gotta Love Those Kennedys
Girl #1: Anyhow, I kept telling him no, but he did. Then this morning I realized that I was raped.
Girl #2: Oh my god...
Girl #1: Yeah, but it was the best sex I ever had. But I didn't want it.
--B train
I Won the Trifecta
Short man: So, my therapist told me to take off my clothes and look into the mirror.
Tall woman: Why?
Short man: To confront my inner midget.
Tall woman: Your inner what?
Short man: Midget.
Tall woman: Don't you think that's potentially offensive to midgets?
Short man: Why? Some people are paranoid, some are neurotic, some are short.
--Tea Lounge, 7th Ave & 10th St, Park Slope
We'll Change It Once White People Start Saying It
Kid: Mom, where you at?
Mom: I'm right here, baby, and it's not where you at, it's where you is.
--Crowded store
Overheard by: spamandvikings
How Ignorant Would I Have to Become to Get That Rich?
Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.
Queer: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.
--Mott & Houston
... I Guess I'll Be Gay This Year
Dude #1: What? You want me to take my clothes off?
Dude #2: No, I-- [Dude #1 begins to disrobe.] Never mind.
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Not really, no.
Do You Still Have That Special on Tampons?
Suit: Do you have any headache medication?
Production assistant pulling random stuff out of pockets: Yeah, sure. Do you have a headache?
Suit: No, but I might later... Oooh! Band-Aids!
--Universal Studios kitchen
Overheard by: Gunther
In Other Words, Everyone in the Back Seat
30-ish investment banker on cell: She had so much makeup on her face she looked like she had just blown 20 clowns.
--44th & Park
And She's My Stepsister
Hipster guy #1: You just pimped out your sister?
Hipster guy #2: To my best friend, yeah.
--The Crocodile Lounge, 14th St
Or I'll Never Finish This Clay Ashtray before Our Exam Time Is Up
Chick #1: How many colors are in two rainbows?
Chick #2: Shut up, Kimberly!
--NYU
Overheard by: Clara
But If You'd Like, I Can Give You a Fake Number
Chick #1: You're not trying.
Chick #2: Yes, I am.
Drunk guy: What's your name, beautiful?
Chick #2: I don't have one.
--Off the Wagon bar, MacDougal
Overheard by: NYU Student
First Psychotic Break Wins
Girl #1: So, yes, that should be our goal this weekend.
Girl #2: Agreed.
Girl #1: We'll get as many drugs as we can find.
Girl #3: And do them as quickly as we can.
Girl #2: Niiice.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: V
All Ye Who Stagger and Tweak, Hear Me!
Woman: Yeah, trains come really slow this late. Sometimes you have to wait hours.
Woman's friend: Yes, it's all the groups of people who are drunk and fucked up out at this hour waiting for the train.
Drunk man: Yeah, that's a pretty big group of people.
Woman: Those people need a leader.
Drunk man, shouting: I could be their leader!
--34th St station
Saving Yourself for Somebody Else's Husband?
Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend?
Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.
--86th St, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Kandiru
I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours
Boyfriend: I love Barnes and Noble.
Girlfriend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked reading.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Headline by: Tosser
Runners-Up:
· "As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I'm happy" - Jim C.
· "But I have a nice set of Hemingway coasters." - Sarah K
· "But get enough of them together, you have one hell of a fort." - DJR
· "I just like to judge them by their covers" - Peter
· "It's goal number 2, right after learnig to color inside the lines" - kristen
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Perhaps Some Nice Soy Chunks That Smell Like Feet?
Father: Can we just go to McDonald's for dinner?
Little girl: Dad! You know I can't have trans-fat.
--Queens-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Patricia
I'm Glad to Be out of That Pressure-Cooker!
TSA guard #1: You're new here, right?
TSA guard #2: Yeah. I worked at the Gap before, so this is different.
--JFK
Sometimes You Can Just See a Student's Mind Light Up
Student, after two-hour lecture on Charles Darwin: Yo, professor?
Teacher: Yes, Phyllis?
Student: That Charlie -- he da man!
Teacher: Indeed! Charlie is the man, Phyllis! Excellent!
--Queensborough Community College
Overheard by: Just trying to pass...
Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight
Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!
--8th & Broadway
Black guy on cell: You ain't no spring chicken, and you ain't no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Barbara
Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don't think I won't fuck you up.
--61st St
Overheard by: bill r
Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care...
--1 train
Overheard by: ChiChi
Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.
--W 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: MW
Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery
Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?
--Starbucks, The Villiage
Girl on cell: No, no... I don't think you understand -- my hips are two different sizes! You don't know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard
Chick on cell: ... Yes, it's coming out of my abdomen...
--Washington Square South
Overheard by: Tyler
Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I've been looking at my knees a lot?
--The Met
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I'm gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.
--231st & Broadway
Overheard by: KK
Hot chick: Well, you don't have arm testicles.
--East Houston St, near BHSEC
MTA lady to another: She got a lot o' heart for a pussy!
--4/5/6 train underpass, 59th St
Some Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Pretty soon this gon' be a paper-less world. I'll help you... Gimme all your paper money. I bring you to the future.
--Outside CVS, Lex
Teen girl: Of course there were credit cards in the '50s. How else would they have gotten their money from the ATMs?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Hans
Hipster boy to hipster girl: Yeah, remember that time we stuck to our principles? We got screwed out of a shitload of cash!
--Macy's
Overheard by: Steph
Articulate crazy man: Make money the old-fashioned way: put mercenaries on your payroll!
--6 train
Overheard by: Interested. Very interested.
Conductor: To the person who lost a roll of cash held together with a rubber band, come see me. I found the rubber band.
--A train, 59th St
Overheard by: John
Fat old guy to pal: You're either going to hurt yourself, hurt someone else, or lose all of us millions of dollars.
--8th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Julian Bennett Holmes
Thug handing 20-dollar bill to clerk: Be careful! Let it dry -- I just made that.
--Deli, 137th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Idols of Millions of Suburban White Boys
Thug to friends: Look, whatever, but I have never found myself with a girl who has no face.
--Columbia University
Thug: Yo, I got a huge blunt in my pocket... Oh, wait, that's my inhaler.
--Q train
Overheard by: djingo
Thug: Fuck that. Fuck that, nigga! If Bill Gates offered me 20 billion dollars to suck his cock, I'd swallow. Fuck.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: I would, too.
Thug athlete, after soccer game: You always be playin' that shit. You play that shit here, you play that shit in basketball, you play that shit in choir...
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: this guy
Thug on cell: I don't know where I was, but they's Germans everywhere in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anxiously] Now I know how Patton felt, son!
--14th & Driggs
Teen thug to friend: Yo, man, have you looked at a map of Manhattan? Know what that shit looks like?!
--W 79th
Overheard by: Nikki W.
Multiple Wednesday One-Liners
Ghetto college kid: God put me on this Earth to make sure every woman cums!
--Brooklyn-bound B train
Overheard by: Not coming
Man to friend: Being a vet involves more than just having orgasms at animal shows with puppies.
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Becky
Queer on cell: Yeah, so, I'm on my computer surfing the Internet last night and my roommate walks over and just cums in my face... Yeah, no, it was totally random.
--14th & 6th
Chick on cell: If I cum while eating, you can bet you'll get a text!
--Harlem
Overheard by: Hott Bi Luvr
Senile lady with cane, to no one: All you girls think about is orgasms.
--15th & 5th
Overheard by: Morgan
Professor, pointing at student: ... And we all know that Kyle* gets off on electronic media.
--NYU
Geek: Every time Darwin mentions the natural economy, I orgasm.
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons
Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.
--9th St & Ave A
Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.
--Outside The Grand, 58th St
Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Girl: But he didn't even kiss me at the club! We didn't kiss until the hospital, and it wasn't even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn't kiss me back.
--Café, Union Square
Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!
--NYU
Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long
Hairy guy: She'd be like, 'Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!'
--Amtrak
Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr
Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn't even get me a fuckin' vibrator!
--51st & 9th
Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma's too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Mitchell
Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won't work out because he's gay and I'm a lesbian, but he says I'm the sexiest person with a strap-on he's ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.
--Franklin & Church
Overheard by: Jenny
Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.
--72nd & Broadway
Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?
--Rivington & Ludlow
Overheard by: aryn
Who's Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?
Dude: Yeah, I'm sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!
--Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle
Overheard by: elizabeth
Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don't even say sorry. That's rude -- just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he's for sure gon' start right back there.
--A train
Overheard by: Jim W.
Lady on cell: Sorry, I can't meet you for lunch. It's been a long day -- I got divorced, it was my dad's birthday, and I need to get groceries.
--19th, between 5th & 6th
Waiter: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we've just sold our last sole.
--ESCA restaurant
Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We'll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well... you get Newark, sorry.
--Flight 3188 into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Wendy to the right
Suit: I don't know why people still aren't over the Nazis. They're really sorry.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Tom
Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They're Spectacular
Suit: ... But then I'd just be one big, walking boob!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: uh what?
Hipster chick: Oh my god, I know! Chad told me I have to show him my boobs before we graduate, and that's, like, only a month away!
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: sapphirebluemica
Ghetto tourist man looking at Maidenform billboard: Breasts! Breasts on a billboard!
--35th & 7th
Overheard by: Moses
19-year-old girl: I am not leaving here without black ballet flats and breasts.
--Bathroom line, Macy's
Little boy: Look, Mommy, Shrek has titties!
--AMC, Bay Plaza
Overheard by: Mel & Damee
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn't say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!
--Camp, Cobble Hill
Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On
Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this!
--W 50th
Cabbie on cell: Hello? I'm going to beat you up... 'Cause I want to!
--23rd & Lex
Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street?
--Delancey & Chrystie
Overheard by: Les Chinatown
Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then -- I am at the airport...I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn't bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today.
--99th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Laughing in the back
Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies.
--30th & 5th
Wednesday One-Liners Get an "A" in Conduct
Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out... I'll see you in Babylon...
--LIRR train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: Bill Reese
Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we're off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.
--Metro-North
Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan... apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.
--D train
Overheard by: i don't like that dude
Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.
--F train
Overheard by: Eileen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don't think I know how to swim.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: mark
Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Care
Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren't, it still is.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom
Father to kids cupping statue's penis: Come on, girls, it's time to leave. You'll be lesbians before you know it.
--Time Warner Center
Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes
Lesbian: You're upset that the woman could tell we're dykes. I'm upset that she insulted us because we're dykes.
--16th & 1st
Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.
--207th St station
Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!
--E/V platform, 5th Ave
Here We See the Archetypal Enabler
Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we've never even hooked up.
Teen girl #2: That's so weird.
Teen girl #1: I know! It'd be such a slutty thing to do. And I've never even given a blowjob before.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.
Teen girl #2: Good point.
Teen girl #1: So I'm totally going to do it.
Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips!
--Metro-North
Hey, You're a Nice Guy; You Just Suck
NYU kid yelling to band from dorm window: Hey! You suck!
Singer at nice event: Uh, this is for charity.
--W 4th & MacDougal
Isn't That Why We Come Here?
Creepster #1: Jesus, all the people who come to the zoo smell like shit.
Creepster #2: Or maybe that's just the zoo...
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Where is my deodorant?
Because You Love Me, Right? Honey?
Girl: Honey, are you listening to me?
Guy: No, I was thinking about putting my dick in your mouth.
Girl: Oh.
--Central Park
Overheard by: dead letter b
Or a Big Bowl of Pussyflakes
Ghetto booty #1: So I went out with him the other day. Well, not out, we just went and smoked a cigarette at work. It was snowing and he was all catching snowflakes on his tongue and turns to me and is like, 'Man, I wish these snowflakes was pussy falling in my mouth.'
Ghetto booty #2: Yeah, he wants you.
--6 train
Overheard by: xtina & sarah
But with Taxis
Drunk man: Hey, is this Penn Station?
Woman: No, this is Grand Central. It's hard to get from the East side to the West side.
Drunk man: Yeah, it's exactly like being in Hell.
--Grand Central
Everything but War and Straight Marriage Is Now Forbidden
Babysitter: Ok guys, hold my hand.
Six-year-old boy: Holding hands is unnatural.
Babysitter: What? Where did you hear that?
Six-year-old boy: George Bush!
Man walking ahead: Wow, he really does get blamed for everything now.
--1 train, 225th St
Overheard by: bkh
Your College Tuition Plan Revolves around My Life Insurance
Dad: How about pizza for lunch?
Four-year-old boy: No, I think we need to eat something healthier than pizza.
Dad: But it's really healthy. See, it has all those tomatoes on it.
--Pinnacle
Naomi and Winona Do the Town
Mom: Okay, sweetie, time to get you home.
Drunk daughter: Shut the fuck up, Mom! You're drunk, you stupid whore!
--Bedford Ave
Where Teen Fads Come From
Michigan middle schooler #1: Ewww!
Michigan middle schooler #2, to NY high schooler: You have poop on your butt!
NY high schooler: It's not poop, it's floor adhesive!
--Lincoln Center
Then It's at Least Two Sins
Street preacher: Oh, you poor ladies. You are on your way to Hell. Stop holding each other like that! Don't you know that lesbianism is a sin?
Girl: Dude, that's my mom!
--Jay St
And Nobody's Getting a Library Card on My Watch
Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I'd kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I'm never buying my kids books.
--Yankee Stadium
Time to Rebrand Myself
Fat lady #1: I don't know... I ain't into all that freaky shit.
Fat lady #2: You just need to tell him you can't be his nasty bitch no more.
Fat lady #1: I know that's right, girl.
--6 train platform
Overheard by: Peter
And after That, Only Because I Loved You on Full House
NYU girl: I'm so stressed out.
NYU boy: You're stressed out? I'm rushing for a fraternity. I'm stressed out.
NYU girl: What do you have to do?
NYU boy: Can't say. It's top secret.
NYU girl: Oh my gawd, tell me!
NYU boy, jokingly: I get hazed.
NYU girl: What's hazed?
NYU boy: Oh my god. Wikipedia it.
NYU girl: What's Wikipedia? Well, whatever. I want to rush for a fraternity.
NYU boy: You can't. A fraternity is only for boys.
NYU girl: Ugh, fine! Then I'll rush for a maternity and I'll be cooler than you and your top secret fraternity.
NYU boy: Okay, we're not friends for ten minutes.
--Starbucks, W 4th
How Am I Doing Now?
Girl: Didn't your mother ever teach you if you don't have anything nice to say don't say a fucking thing?
Guy: Um...
Girl: You're such a dick! God, what a motherfucker.
--1 train
I'm a Quid Pro Quo Volunteer
Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here -- he doesn't get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope -- I won't save you!
--LIRR
I May Have Hurt Myself with the Lesbians, Then
Jock: Hey, you got a haircut.
Bored pal: Yeah, I did.
Jock: You don't look like a lesbian anymore.
Bored pal: No, I don't look like a lesbian.
Jock: Now you just look like a scary gay.
--Gym class, Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Do You Want to Smell Like Uncle Walter?
Tourist dad: Kids, you have pay attention when we're in the big city, 'cause...
Daughter: 'Cause if you don't you die?
Dad: No, you could get lost and then you'll become a street person.
--Central Park South
I'm Just Not Ready to Lay Eggs at This Point in My Life
Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don't give head.
Guy: Oh, why? You don't like it?
Bimbette: No, it's just that I'm afraid to get pregnant!
--78th & 41st
Overheard by: rain
You're Just the Top of Her Slippery Slope
Teen thug #1: You met her in rehab? Son, you was only there three days...!
Teen thug #2: Yo, but check this out -- she's 35!
Teen thug #1: Son, she gonna drop yo' ass when she finds out how old you are!
Teen thug #2: I already told her.
Teen thug #1, after long pause: Shit, then she a pedophile, son!
--F train
Overheard by: Missin the city
With Considerable Waxy Buildup
Disgusted mom: I thought that old man had a Bluetooth in his ear...
Teen daughter: It wasn't?
Disgusted mom: It was ear hair.
--Times Square
Overheard by: SurferGirl
Ennui and Apathy, Living in Perfect Harmony...
Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?
Hipster girl: I'm sorry, I don't really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Headline by: null
Runners-Up:
· "...Between the emphysema from the clove cigarettes and the anemia from cutting myself." - invisible girl
· "And if I give real ones, I lose my hipster certification" - AmyS
· "But for $5, I'll Pretend to Mock Your Fat Children" - Debra, the Barmaid Blog
· "I'm saving it all for defending my bitchy ass in Brooklyn" - knumb
· "When in doubt, Swim" - 6th Floor Blogger
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Where Do You Kids Get Such Awful Manners Anyway?
Four-year-old girl: Jose!
Latino dad: Stop callin' me jose! What's my name?!
Four-year-old girl: Jose!
Latino dad: If you don't stop callin' me Jose I'ma stick my foot up yo' ass, you hear? I ain't no Jose, I'm Daddy!
--Atlantic Center
The Efficacy of Abstinence-Only Sex Ed, Encapsulated
Clown: Chastity.
Three-year-old boy: Hahahaha!
--W 86th & West End
Overheard by: Emily B.
Unless They're in This Week
Sober chick: Hey, c'mon, let's go inside. It's cold out here.
Tipsy chick: Okay... [Closes shirt.] Tell me if you see a nipple, 'cause that would just be awkward.
Sober chick: Of course.
--Spring & Elizabeth
Overheard by: Wear A Bra
Good Thing I Hired That Stenographer
Chick #1: So, then you sat on the floor and started kicking. You stopped and said we should smoke when we got back to our room, to piss her off.
Chick #2: Did we?
Chick #1: We didn't have any cigarettes left.
Chick #2: But you have a pipe!
Chick #1: Where was I going to get pot at two in the morning?
Chick #2: You could've called someone. Damn, I wish I could remember last night.
--Fordham, Lincoln Center
Um, It's a Mistake to Have Sex with Dead Clothes?
Smug fashionista: My god, that's a fashion faux pas if I ever saw one.
Confused companion: Oh, did she kill fashion again?
Smug fashionista: Not only did she kill fashion again, but she raped it after killing it! She's like... like... the necrophiliac of haute couture or something.... Wait. What the fuck am I talking about?!
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: Minnie Sukthankar-Romanovich
You Buy That Dairy-Industry Propaganda?
Dude #1: Mmm, avocados!
Dude #2: Nature's butter.
Dude #1: I thought butter was nature's butter...
--34th St Diner
Overheard by: Lauren
I Told You I Have a Protein Deficiency, Okay?
Girlfriend: Ugh, I have the worst taste in my mouth.
Boyfriend: That's 'cause you're a whore.
Girlfriend: ... I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Your mouth tastes bad 'cause you suck too much cock.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! You're such an asshole!
Boyfriend: I love you, baby.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: sweetpea
She Had a Featured Solo in Backside Story
Man, during intermission of Chicago: Did you see the chorus girl with the long auburn hair?
Woman: Yeah?
Man: I'm pretty sure I've seen her in porn on the internet.
Woman, annoyed: Well, when we get home maybe you can find out for sure.
Man: I'm not saying she can't sing!
--Ambassador Theatre, W 49th
Overheard by: Big Larry
Clearly You Haven't Seen Her Creepy Scrapbook
Tween girl #1: He had a boner. It was so gross.
Tween girl #2: How do you know he had a boner?
Tween girl #1: I've known him since first grade. He had a boner.
Tween guy: How does knowing him since first grade have anything to do with knowing that he had a boner?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Bryan
No-Nookie Night in Tribeca
Tuxedo: Oh, you should have called us! We could have gotten you into Spago. We go there all the time! The guy there is, like, our best friend! Honey, what's the name of that guy at Spago?
Trophy wife: We've never been to Spago. You went there with Jennifer.
--Greenwich & N Moore
Overheard by: annulla
You'll Be Sorry -- This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!
Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You're selling a triberry muffin. Well, what's a triberry? I've never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren't any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That's false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it's called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don't understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don't think so. I don't want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]
Barista: Dumbass.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Waplow
I'm Glad I Aborted His Baby
Woman #1: He slept with Mary?
Woman #2: And to think that I was this close to falling in love with him.
--Starbucks, Times Square
The Riddle of the Sphincter: Solved
Teen boy: I don't see how a gay boy's booty just expands like that.
Queer bystander: Actually, it doesn't expand -- it rips.
Teen boy: Oh, thanks. I needed that.
--G train
Overheard by:
I Told You Not to Use That Flavored Lube
Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?
Girl: Yeah, I'll have a cranberry juice.
Grandpa: What's wrong, you got a yeast infection or something?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: befuddled diner
You're Both Right!
Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!
--Edison Diner, 47th St
Overheard by: I like Dick
Violating the Rules Set Forth at the Geneva Convention
Late twenties girl: Were you part of that food fight Friday night?
Early thirties guy: Yeah, I got hit with a buttered roll. Someone actually buttered the roll before they threw it.
--6 train
Overheard by: Erica
Let Me Rephrase That.
Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.
--777 3rd Ave
You're Sure This Is a Good Anniversary Present for My Wife?
Metrosexual: Do you think she's a Volvic kind of girl or more of a Poland Spring or Crystal Geyser?
Girlfriend: Ummm, I see her as a Volvic... Maybe not.
Metrosexual: I think I'll go with Poland Spring. I hope she likes it.
Girlfriend: I hope you're right.
--Deli, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Maybe she likes the Hudson...
Back When I Was Only a Slut's Apprentice
Chick: I had such a hard time when I lived here. People were always calling me a slut. Always, always, always, always.
Guy standing next to her: Yeah?
--Outside the W Hotel, 17th & Park
Overheard by: Will
We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination
Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...
--Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour
Overheard by: Vinnie
Pretty Soon You'll Hear the Pitter Patter of Tiny Sheets
Semi-sober girl: You going home to sleep it off?
Drunk girl: I'm gonna go home and make love to my bed... Make little cots...
--Bar, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: tea
At Least She's Reading
Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What's the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn't none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.
--Vesey St
And If Anybody Else Wants It
Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!
--Meatpacking District
One of the Feral Children of the Subway System
School child #1: Yo, Tupac is still alive.
School child #2: Yeah, I heard that, too. I heard he's strippin'. He's a stripper in LA.
A small child with them gets off train.
Old woman: Get back on the train! [Small child gives her the finger with both hands and runs away.]
School child #1: Yo, who is that kid?
School child #2: I don't know. I saw him in the bathroom. He was takin' a shit and he came out and smiled at me... And that's how I know him.
--G train
How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart's Alive?
Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy's computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.
--Seaman & Cumming
Fine, Get All Master Po on Me
Mom, in Chinese: One bubble tea.
Daughter: Why do you know Chinese?
Mom: Why don't you?
--Main St
Or You're Harvey Fierstein
Woman: I got yoo-hooed just now by Greg.
Man: Yoo-hooed?
Woman: Yeah, he totally waved his hand and said, 'Yoo-hoo!'
Man: Dude, you just can't say that if you're under the age of 65 and not referring to a chocolate beverage.
--Central Park
I Got the Ring On, but Doctors Say the Finger Is Lost
Engaged girl: Oh my god, who did what with it?
Married girl: I squeezed it until it was blue.
--6th Ave & Carmine
Overheard by: Rachel
Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella
Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.
--BX 12 bus
From Hemingway's Unpublished "Big Two-Headed Dildo"
Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing walking behind me?
Thug #2: I don't know.
Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing? Nobody walks behind me... Unless it's my girl... with a dildo.
--78th & 2nd
Overheard by: MLM
With Ethnic Cleansing at a Close Second.
Princess #1: I had to run to the cafeteria and get fro-yo because my stomach was growling in class! How embarrassing is that?
Princess #2: Oh my god. That is my worst nightmare.
--Fordham University Rose Hill
Overheard by: stine
Really? Is My Face Red!
White chick to black chick: That's a cute bag. It would be, if it were real.
Black chick: Bitch, it ain't fake, it's stolen!
--14th & 8th
Look, We're Just Having a Private Moment at the Top of My Lungs
Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.
--74th St-Roosevelt Ave station
It's Your Responsibility As a Pirate-American
Angry guy #1: I was like, 'The next time some guy says he won't hire me 'cause I got a record, I'm gonna rob him on the spot!'
Angry guy #2: Damn right!
--6 train
It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!
Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?
--13th & Ave A
Overheard by: Lark
And She Shows Up for It
Girl #1: Where was Liz last night?
Girl #2: Oh, you didn't hear?
Girl #1: Hear what?
Girl #2: She went to her boyfriend's grandmother's 82nd birthday!
Girl #1: Oh, that's sweet. Why are you so upset by that?
Girl #2: Her boyfriend's grandmother died four years ago! Apparently the family has been celebrating it every year! They have a cake with candles and everything.
--16th & 7th
Are You Okay with Sarcastic Sneering?
Guy handing out fliers: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Goth girl: No! I hate happiness!
--Times Square
Overheard by: A
Surrendering to Your Fate Will Be Sweet, Though
Girl: It's this way.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: I know where all the Jamba Juice is.
Guy: Are.
Girl: What?
Guy: Are. You know where all the Jamba Juice are.
Girl: Is.
Guy: Are! Each franchise is a separate entity!
Girl: Is! They're all part of single collective!
Guy: Jamba Juice is not the Borg!
--50th & Broadway
What? My Long Line Jokes Kill at Caroline's
Construction guy: Can't we move this line a little faster? This line isn't moving anywhere. What's with this line?
Lady: Here, you can go ahead of me.
Construction guy: I'm using humor, lady. This is just humor. I'm not serious here. [Gets in front of her in line.]
--4th St
Overheard by: the girl who fainted at Starbucks
I'm Not Gay, but I Don't Much Like Men
Little sis: I don't know. I'm just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what's your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind... God, that would be great, though.
--1 train platform, 23rd St
They See Themselves As Very-Low-Fat Peaches
Flabby hipster #1: She had that anorexic fuzz on her neck.
Flabby hipster #2: Ew!
Flabby hipster #3: No, that's bulimic fuzz.
Flabby hipster #1: It's for both.
Flabby hipster #2: That is gross. You would think that having that fuzz would be some incentive to eat.
--F train
And Then Fail Them... Oh, Wait
Student: Do I need to do the math extra credit project?!
Teacher: Yes, because on Friday when you come to me and ask if you are failing, I'm gonna laugh at you. Then you will go home and tell your family that I laughed at you. Then they will come up to school and yell at me and I'll laugh at them.
--Forest Hills school
Overheard by: laughing my ass off at my classmate
Should the Chain Be Stronger Than Your Neck?
Teen thug #1: You spent a thousand dollas on that chain?!
Teen thug #2: Yeah.
Teen thug #1: A thousand dollas? On that bullshit?!
Teen thug #2: This is titanium, son! Ain't nothin' stronger than this!
--3 train, 125th St
Overheard by: vegannramember@gmail.com
Grandma Has Just Two Settings
Girl #1: Actually, my mom ran into your grandmother the other day near here.
Girl #2: Oh, really? Was my grandmother nice to her or was she a raving bitch?
Girl #1: Oh. I don't know.
--7th & Christopher
I Knew I Shouldn't Have Worn This Shirt Again.
Nice guy #1: Hey, miss, would you like my seat?
Preggers: No.
Nice guy #2: Here, take mine. I'm getting off soon.
Preggers: For the love of God, I fucking said no! People these days gotta learn themselves some English.
--Bronx-bound 4 train
Now I'm a Jerk
Mother: You were a jerk for years.
Son: No, I was a cokehead. There's a huge difference.
--F train
Overheard by: Shaun Laika
Guess You Haven't Interviewed in a While
Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!
--72nd & Broadway
Or Some Such Numbery Amount
Cashier: She gave you twelve dollars? Twenty dollars? Just give her back eleventeen.
--Rite Aid, 50th & 8th
Overheard by: maribeth
I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It
Thug: So, if I'm half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.
--149th & 3rd, Bronx
Headline by: Mariya
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, it makes you unemployed" - Mr. Bone
· "Bitch, don't be callin' me no adjectival form!" - was "rico"/"rican" the first thing you noticed too?
· "Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition" - Scott
· "Runs With Hookers didn't excel in Ethnic Studies" - bri b
· "The new theory of relativity" - sara swank
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Told That Work Is Also an Excellent Distraction
Hipsterette #1: I just don't know what to do!
Hipsterette #2: Just be an artist, baby. Paint it out. Paint all your emotions out.
--S 1st & Havemeyer, Williamsburg
Because You're Worth It
Cropped girl #1: Why doesn't Dawn have any other friends?
Cropped girl #2: Would you hang out with her?
Long-haired girl: Yes. She has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #1: Well, you are easier than other people.
Cropped girl #2: This is why she is our friend.
Long-haired girl: But neither of you has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #2: But I did when you first met me.
Long-haired girl: And that has held over.
--13th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Lola
What's His Job? Discuss
Girl: Why are you wearing cowboy boots?
Guy walking other way: I just got off work.
Girl, to friend: Did that guy just call me a whore?
--East Village
Overheard by: James Triggs
Wednesday One-Liners Leave Track Marks
Former Broadway ingenue: He injects silicone into his penis and testicles. He has for years.
--A-list Broadway party
Overheard by: kgrahams
Wannabe policy maker: They should have umbrella exchange centers. You know, like needle exchanges.
--Washington Square South
Overheard by: Lacey
Dad: You want to get arrested? Brian, put those syringes down. If you want to get high, go outside and find some mothafucka on the street.
--Emergency room, Beth Israel
Overheard by: Coughing in the Ghetto Israel
Ditz: I love hepatitis shots!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Salmon Slap
Hipster chick on cell: Yeah, you should probably get a rabies shot for that... And a pap smear.
--Washington Square Park
Your Weekly Re-Up of Wednesday One-Liners
Bike messenger screaming to another: That's why I love you. Because you support my drug habit!
--3rd Ave & 10th St
Five-year-old with mother: I'm gonna get get get you hiiiigghh!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: evanescent
Mom to three-year-old daughter: Sit up! Sit up! Are you on crack?
--2 train, the Bronx
Overheard by: MK
Professor: I remember this one acid trip...
--NYU, Silver Center
Overheard by: Limey
Stoner dude: I get high to get high. I don't expect much, but it passes time and it kills hangovers.
--17th & 8th
Overheard by: Lara
Thugette on pimped-out cell: Honey, I told yo' ass before, I'll tell you again: once a nigga puts rims on his Fed-Ex truck, you know he's a drug dealer
--36th Ave station, Astoria
Overheard by: Akojam Milas
Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated
Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can't decide whether to keep drinking it or not.
--Housing Works Bookstore
Overheard by: Tommy Raiko
Buppie on cell: Listen, I'll come over, we'll brew some tea, and then we'll get hammered.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Justine
Guy's guy: My 19th birthday is Monday... Yeah, I think I'm gonna cry... I don't know, I've been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying... I know! I think it's all the soy milk I've been drinking.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Mbeezers
Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it's kosher.
--Union Square
Overheard by: alana landa
Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.
--Fordham University Rose Hill
Overheard by: raqqy
Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!
--Canal St
RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They're economic... They're sociable... And yeah, yeah that's it.
--Columbia freshman dorm lounge
Overheard by: Columbia Freshman
Wednesday One-Liners Start to Sizzle
Guy to his terrified date: Damn, I want to do you. Really, we should go back to my place. We're hot, we'd be hot together, people would pay to watch us fuck.
--Union Square
Security guard to teen boy who set off the metal detector: Whoa, drop it like it's hot, baby.
--Checkpoint at JFK
Ghetto teen: Nigga said his penis was hotter than a microwave.
--A train, 168 St
Late-20s woman on cell: Am I getting old? Not picking up hot Frenchmen who offer me drugs?
--The Four Seasons
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Chick on cell: Yes, but you're a hot creepy stranger.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner
Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it's my job to bury it. 'Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let's hope for global warming, because then we'll all have beach-front property.
--6 train
Overheard by: tanechka
Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January...
Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing... Save the world from global warming... I definitely prefer the former.
--Broadway near Lincoln Center
Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!
--79th & Park
Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I'm no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.
--58th & 7th
Overheard by: freckles
American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we've just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.
--JFK
Overheard by: Soapnana
Wednesday One-Liners Express Themselves
Woman running down the stairs: Hold the doors! Oh, God, please hold the doors! Please! [Doors close, train pulls away.] Why? Whyyy?!
--A train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That's the last train in the world!
--W 4th Street A/C/E platform
Overheard by: Curly Ku
Student: Yo mama is so dumb that when she needs to take the 4 train, she takes the 2 train twice!
--Brooklyn Tech High School
Overheard by: Gazoo
Tourist to friends: Ok, so, we're headed downtown right now, and in a couple stops we'll transfer to the express.
--A train express, between 34th & 42nd
Tourist woman: Why is it called an express train? All it does is skip stops.
--4 train at Fulton St
Chick to guy: Don't tell me that bull! Don't pull that on the A train!
--Manhattan-bound A train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: chudoc324
Wednesday One-Liners Shoulda Looked It Up
Coworker: Heiser... Wasn't that Hitler's last name?
--Public library
Overheard by: Apparently I'm related to that guy
Lady in line: What's the difference between french fries and cheese fries?
--Shake Shack
Overheard by: cheese connoisseur
Confused German tourist: Is this the meatloaf district?
--14th & 9th
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Guy: What is the opposite of September?
--Law firm, Lexington Avenue
Girl: Wait... Was Hurricane Katrina a tsunami?
--Francis School, Staten Island
Clueless girl to captain of the schooner Adirondack: So, like, is Adirondack a girl's name or something?
--Hudson River
Overheard by: glad I'm not her daughter
Woman leaving the subway: I still don't get it. Is the subway a train or a bus?
--Museum of Natural History subway station
Overheard by: dinoman
Wednesday One-Liners and the N-Word
Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it...
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Jillian B.
Salesperson to customer: C'mon nigga, just buy this fucking thing, you know you want it.
--Radio Shack, 225th St
Overheard by: charles elliot
Black lady: So here I go doin' my thang, right, and I look up and this nigga here is eatin' a pickle... A pickle!
--NJ Transit into Penn Station
Overheard by: dirtyjersey
Thug: Yo, fuck you! You Pillsbury Doughboy punch-you-in-the-face-lookin' nigga!
--Grand St
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
Old woman: Nigga's tutti-frutti as a motherfucker.
--35th & 8th
14-year-old girl to friend:... And then my daddy called me a ho! Fuck that nigga!
--Spofford Ave, Hunts Point
Overheard by: number seven
Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean... Hurry up... son.
--50th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Have Suspicious Packages
Conductor: If you see something, say something. If you see any unattended or suspicious packages, don't hesitate to tell someone. Just don't tell me, though.
--A train
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Barista: And on the counter we have... A brown paper bag with something in it! Someone ordered it. Or left it here. Possibly bin Laden.
--Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that any packages or large bags are subject to search. This is the happy state of the world in which we live. And on that note, the time is 8:15 a.m.
--Uptown A train
Hobo: I will tell you the rules of being a goddamn New Yorker: one -- when you see a suspicious package, do not fucking tell anyone. If it has money in it, well, then you can take the money, but it probably doesn't, so don't say anything! Also, when you are in the city, do not refer to Sixth Avenue as 'Avenue of the Americas' unless you wish to sound like a complete moron!
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Zoe
Conductor: This is the last stop, Newark Penn Station. No passengers. Please take all your suspicious packages.
--WTC-Newark PATH Train
Wednesday One-Liners for the Sociopaths
Teen boy: I was laughing 'cause this girl had no legs...
--175th & Ft. Washington
Latina on cell: Who died? Anna? How!? Hahaha! Finally.
--Jefferson & Wyckoff, Ridgewood
Dude: And she's mad at me, 'cause I, like, kept telling her she sucked last week.
--Hunter College High School
Overheard by: i would be too
Blonde lady: I mean, it was only fun to tease the homeless woman for so long.
--1 train
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Suit on Blackberry: I don't give a fuck about other countries. To be honest, I only really give a fuck about myself. Starving black kids, welfare moms... Fuckin' A! What gives?
--12th & 4th
Overheard by: Galen
Chick: I really wish he'd lost his whole finger -- that's what he deserves.
--Whole Foods salad bar, Time Warner Center
Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners
Pilot: We're on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.
--Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK
Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.
--LaGuardia
United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed
Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.
--Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Debbie Kate
Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I'm sure they would really appreciate it, too.
--United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago
Overheard by: Ellen
Airline representative: Paging La... La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging... Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Delayed
Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA... Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you've been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can't be jumpin' up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he'll fly us so I'm going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn't know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao
Some Shitty Wednesday One-Liners
Loudspeaker: Sir, do not take a dump on the platform, sir. Sir, do not take a dump on the platform!
--Times Square 42nd St. station
Overheard by: JohnnyD
Teen to friends: Man, for about two weeks this girl had me convinced that girls don't poop. Somehow it came up in conversation and she was just like, 'What are you talking about? Girls don't poop.' Idiot. I was like, 'Ohhh my god.'
--A train
Overheard by: Moheed
Crazy man to old lady: You down with OPP? You down with OPP? You down with OPP? Because I just pooped.
--Shuttle to Times Square
Guy in stall, on cell: What am I doing? I'm dropping the kids off at the pool... What do you mean, what do I mean?... I'm taking a shit!... Hold on, I'll hold the phone by my ass so you can hear the turd splash.
--Men's room, Ruby Tuesday
Overheard by: Big Larry
Woman on cell: Why does he always do that? He just stopped in the middle of the street, looked me straight in the eyes, and took a giant, steamy dump.
--5th St & Ave A
Lady on cell: Well, it's not like you can catch anything from yourself. It's other people's feces you have to worry about.
--55th & 8th
Overheard by: Murph
Or Maybe an American Idol Death Match
Woman #1, looking at Bodog Fight poster: Man, that fight can't be real, those guys are way too old. That fight is going to suck.
Woman #2: I heard that.
Woman #1: Don't they have fights between little celebrities?
Woman #2: Uh...
Woman #1: I think I saw Webster, you know, Emmanuel Lewis, fighting that little motherfucker from Diff'rent Strokes. What's his real name?
Woman #2: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Woman #1: Well, that's the fight I want to see.
--B train
I Am Currently Traversing the Intermarriage Zone
Man: You look like someone I knew in college.
Hot lady suit: Oh, yeah?
Man: Where did you go to school?
Hot lady suit: BMCC.
Man: I went to Queens.
Hot lady suit: I did, too, for a while.
Man: Oh, my name is Eric. So, are you single?
Hot lady suit: Sometimes.
Man: Oooh.
--V train
Overheard by: Black White Woman
...My Parents, Teachers, Mailmen, That Guy at the Bodega...
Middle-school boy: Yeah, you're a pathological liar.
Middle-school girl: What do you mean? When have I lied to you? I never lie. I only lie to my therapist.
--1 train
Overheard by: cate
That, and I Never Learned to Wipe Front-to-Back
Homie #1: Daaamn, ladies.
Homie #2: How about a little one-on-one, or four-on-three?
Cute girl #1: Eat shit!
Cute girl #2: You're the reason I rub feces all over my vagina!
--Clinton & Stanton
Nah, Just Kidding.
Princess: So are you, like, bored?
Man: No. I'm homeless.
Princess: Oh!
--Port Authority
I'll Be Running Late the Rest of My Life
Suit #1: So, how long did your five-minute meeting last?
Suit #2: A fucking hour.
--John St, between Cliff & Pearl
Socks Go on First
Trendy big black woman #1: Girl, did you see that woman?
Trendy big black woman #2: Hell yeah.
Trendy big black woman #1: Looks like she got dressed without instructions!
--McDonald's, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Joey Madison
And the Appropriate Shampoo to Use for Crabs
Guy: Did you try rebooting?
Chick: Of course.
Guy: Because that's the first thing you should try doing when you--
Chick: --Look, half the guys I've dated have been in tech support. I've picked up a hell of a lot more than just VD. I know about rebooting.
--NYU
Overheard by: ctrl alt delete
Black Magic Is My Anti-Drug
Guy: What did you do all day?
Girl: Just drinking chicken blood and performing other secret rituals.
Guy: Nice. [They make out on street corner.]
--Houston & Ave C
Gaining Weight? Find Fatter People to Hang Around
Geek: I feel like a douche.
Chick: Seriously, if you ever feel like a dork go to any Blockbuster, look at the employees, and you'll see how cool you are.
--31st & 21st
Overheard by: deltachub
Losing a Dimension Is a Great Way to Shed Some Pounds
Guy with Afro: Well, I'm more of a three-dimensional person.
Hipster girl: Yeah, I know, but you should go and enjoy it!
--Clark St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Adam Distler
Will We See Live Hipsters in Their Natural Habitat?
Minnesota girl: Like, when I come to New York I want to do something, like, crazy and fun!
Guy: Well, listen, you ran into the right guy, because I am, like...
Girl and guy in unison: Mr. Crazy Fun!
Guy: Exactly. Like, tonight I'm thinking about starting off at this place called a hookah bar. Have you ever heard of one?
Girl: No! What is it?
Guy: Well, it's this place where you smoke tobacco in Jordanian water pipes!
Girl: Wow.
--Koronets Pizza, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wyatt
Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples
Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.
--Iggy's on Rivington
Yeah, Well, Santa's Just Me in a Costume, Brainiac
Father: Look at this -- the bottle is sweating!
Six-year-old girl: It's condensation, Dad.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: GL
You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself
Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.
--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Victor
Like Gilmore Girls Going off the Air
50-ish woman: My mom had a stroke.
Friend: Honestly, worse things can happen.
--Café Henri, West Village
Of Which There Is None at This Alleged "Bar"
Technician: It will cost a hundred and fifty dollars to have our technicians look at it.
Girl with computer problem: A hundred and fifty dollars?! No way. I'd rather spend that on alcohol.
--Apple Store Genius Bar
Overheard by: becca
Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?
Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!
--LaGuardia & W 3rd
Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?
Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.
Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.
--1407 Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Plus Tax
Hobo #1: Bitches is crazy, crazy. Had no choice but to fuck that squirrel.
Hobo #2: Nooo, nooo.
Hobo #1: Yup, yup. That squirrel was worth five cents.
Hobo #2: Nooo, I'll tell you how much that squirrel was worth. $15.98.
--St. Johns Pl, Park Slope
Ow -- Jesus! I Point with That Finger
Lady: It's freezing out. Is the weather cold like this in Korea? [Manicurist is silent.] Hello? Is it this cold in Korea? ... Does she speak English?
Manicurist: I'm Chinese.
Lady: Oh, well, I eat a lot of Chinese vegetables.
--Nail salon, Queens
Overheard by: Risa
I Think "Hemingway Stole All His Ideas From Me" Is Explanation Enough
Professor: Care to elaborate on that?
Student who answered question: I'd rather not.
--NYU Law School
Overheard by: Vitto
Headline by: Alli
Runners-Up:
· "But I would like to know the specifics of why you think I should go fuck myself." - Bassmanbish
· "I Don't Think I Could. I Elaborated In The Shower This Morning." - Redneck Jedi
· "Let me rephrase, what the fuck do you mean?" - chris sowell
· "Objection! Asked and answered." - Law School Dropout
· "See 'Billing By the Hour' to Learn Why That's the Wrong Answer" - PhoenixRising
· "The first rule of law school is: We do not talk about law school." - Steve-o
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Court Ruled It a Case of Justifiable Momicide
Lady: You know that guy you stayed with last summer?
Daughter: Who?
Lady: He called last night. That rug salesman from Turkey.
Daughter: I never stayed with a Turkish rug salesman, Mom.
Lady: He's coming over at 10 tonight.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: I don't do his sales.
However, He Should Have Grabbed His Crotch for Emphasis
Hobo: I want to cum on your face.
Young woman: Uhhh... Well, at least he's being up-front -- putting all the cards on the table. I guess I respect that.
--27th & 10th
Overheard by: Julia C
Tempting, but I'm Not Gonna Risk It
Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.
--Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Becki
At My Wedding
Dude #1: So I was, like, having intercourse with my girlfriend's mom, and my girlfriend came home and caught us.
Dude #2: That happened to me before.
--D train
Overheard by: Ed
When the Octopus Mates
Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sitting there on opposite ends of the couch and our feet were all intertwined, and I paused and just was like, 'Look at us! It's like we've known each other for ages!' ... Well, I'm thinking of asking him to get his DNA checked to see if we're compatible. 'Cause, you know, I want someone compatible. I wonder what his genealogical lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It's just great that he's willing to do it. It's good that he knows I'll be in control of everything.
--Plane leaving LaGuardia
Overheard by: Cassandra
Yeah, because He's Totally Dominican
Asian chick #1: Yeah, my dad is mad tan, so at the beach everyone thinks he's Mexican.
Asian chick #2: Oh, that sucks.
--Queens
Words to Live By
Thug #1: I don't know what happened -- I bought her a shot!
Thug #2: Yo, you can't be buyin' shots for fat chicks -- they be drinkin' 'em anyway.
--W 4th, outside Down the Hatch
Overheard by: NCS
Talking about Labor Law Is Right Up There with Diaper Play
Hot Asian chick: Oh, I feel so sexually frustrated right now!
Dude: Oh my god, I can totally help you out with that! You could even call me Mark!
Hot Asian chick: And could we talk about labor law afterwards?
Dude: Anything!
Hot Asian chick: Don't embarrass yourself, Chad.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: she can call me anything too
But Apparently That Isn't a Valid Legal Defense
Ghetto goth girl putting black eyeliner on lips: Do you know what he said?
Friend in stall: What?
Ghetto goth girl: He said I was aggressive. I can't help if I'm aggressive 'cause I'm half-vampire, half-werewolf.
--Pyramid club, Ave A, between 6th & 7th St
Overheard by: not a goth
Since When Are Slaves "Hired"?
Student: Didn't the ancient Romans also eat lying down?
Professor: Yes.
Student: That's really bad for your digestion.
Professor: Well, it was good for having sex with the hired help after.
--Bard High School Early College
Rats: Granola? Get That Shit Outta Here!
Mom unwrapping granola bar for child: Now, eat this over my purse. I don't want you getting crumbs everywhere.
Four-year-old: Why?
Mom: Rats like crumbs, and we do not want to contribute to the rat problem.
Four-year-old: Rats? I want to see the rats!
Mom: No! We won't be a part of the problem.
Four-year-old: Where are the rats?!
--1 train
Overheard by: turtle
You Can Charge Six Bucks Eastbound
Creepster: We'll stick some rutabagas up there and, when we're done, you'll be wider than the Lincoln Tunnel.
Chick: Yeah... Wait, what?
Creepster: I don't know.
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
We Only Have the Ones That Make Them Ask Stupid Questions
Man: Hey, do you have any whistles? You know -- the kind that shut people up when you blow them?
Clerk: No.
Man: Fuck!
--47th & Broadway
Mom Has a Parallel Argument for Virginity
Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don't stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.
--David Z, 5th Ave
Overheard by: nicole h.
I'm Supposed to Put This in My College Fund
Young boy #1: Today is the day your mother birthed you and you only got five dollars?
Young boy #2: We got troubles.
--Prospect Heights
This Always Happens When You Listen to Maya Angelou
Older man hugging younger man: Wassup, my nigga?
Younger man: Dad, cut it out. We're white.
--Leonard & Lafayette St
Overheard by: Big Larry
And Every Sunrise? Temporary!
Dude #1: Sure, it's all summery now, but you know in six months it's all gonna be snowin' again and shit.
Dude #2: Fuck that.
--PATH train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
And If Wishes Were Bitches...
Boyfriend: I wish I had a dog.
Girlfriend: I wish I were a dog.
--Union Square
Overheard by: arctinus
They Were a Losing Hand, So I Discarded Them
Woman on stoop: Ugh, I hate kids.
Mom of playing children: You have four of them!
Woman on stoop: Oh, I got rid of those.
--Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: melissa
Even If I Do Have a Master's in Regurgitation
Man: Dude, your marketing department -- they're like a bunch of baby birds!
Woman: I know! And I'm sick of throwing up in their mouths.
--57th & 5th
And My Ass Is Smoking
Chick #1: Hey, how are you? I haven't seen you in a long time! How's life?
Chick #2: It's great. My hip bones are sparking.
--NYU Silver Center
At the Gape Pride Parade
Hispanic guy: I can't believe it.
Southeast Asian guy: What?
Tan guy: Yeah, what?
Hispanic guy: How dilated my ass is!
Southeast Asian guy: I believe it -- I was there.
--23rd & 9th
Overheard by: nate honeycut
Maybe You Should Stop Feeding It Beans
Sales clerk #1: I feel like I'm vibrating.
Sales clerk #2: Maybe it's your aura.
--Changing room, store, Soho
Overheard by: Gina
Post Office: Oh, That's Not Good!
UPS guy driving by: Hi, FedEx!
FedEx guy, smiling and waving: Hi!
--Astor Pl & Broadway
Overheard by: Katie
Smart Stays with You, Sweetie
Mother: You're so pretty.
Four-year-old daughter, stomping: Don't call me pretty! I need to be smart and pretty!
Mother: Okay, you're smart.
Four-year-old daughter, crying: Nooo! Mom! Don't just say 'smart.' Say 'smart and pretty.' It needs to be both! I can't just be smart! Smart and pretty, together!
--Park Ave South
Overheard by: Lauren Joyce
So, How Long You Out For?
Drag queen: Hey, were you in prison?
Angry man: Yeah, I was.
Drag queen: That's where I know you from!
Angry man: Oh, yeah, hey! How are you?
Drag queen: I'm good. It's so good to see you!
--E train, 42nd St
No Worries -- Granny's a Professional
Girl #1: My grandma is coming into the city Saturday to bleach my cat.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Yeah, he got into the flowers and the pollen turned him canary yellow.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Well, it didn't come off in the bath...
--82nd & Madison
Well, Screw Him and His Oscillating Misnomers
Eye candy: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now was it?
Eye candy: No, he said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Eye candy: Same thing.
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
We Could Always Put on Miniskirts, Go to Times Square, and Test My Theory
European girl: My mother is from Norway and my father is from Ireland.
Chinese girl: I'm purebred. If humans sold like puppies, I'd sell for way more than you.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Shelly Rutherford
If Superheroes Had Useful Powers
Ladies' man: I can't understand it. First it was Armenians, now it's redheads. It's this incredible power I can't control.
Friend: I know, dude. You're a lucky pimp.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Abram
Got Any Sack-Hygiene Tips?
Frat boy #1: So, this chick loves to suck my balls.
Frat boy #2: Dude, you told us that, like, seven times.
Frat boy #3: Yeah, I'm beginning to think you're lying.
Frat boy #1: But now I gotta really lather up down there.
--Pool bar
Overheard by: Scotched
Take Your Noble Eightfold Path Back to Jersey
Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?
Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!
--Union Square
Overheard by: playtoe
Chosen by the Lord, but Not by Me
Rich girl #1: It's really hard to find guys at this school.
Rich girl #2: Oh, yeah? Why?
Rich girl #1: Because half the guys here are gay, and if they're not gay, they're Jewish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: student
I Need to Go Bathe in Urine Now
Bus driver on intercom as it starts to rain: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey... C'mon, everybody!
Entire bus, singing: You'll never know, dear, how much I love you -- please don't take my sunshine away.
Chick: I think that was the least-New York moment of my entire life.
--M79 bus
Well, Duh
Mom to screaming child: Shut the fuck up!
Man: Yeah, keep telling your kid 'Shut the fuck up' so he can grow up and steal my car someday.
--6 train
Overheard by: ChickyWang
Just Get Her a "Be Like Me" T-shirt with Your Picture
NYU student: So, I think I'm just going to tell my girlfriend, 'You know, I've been going to the gym a lot, working out, watching what I eat, and I think you should, too.'
Friend, as all receptionists stare: Yeah, no -- you really can't say that.
--Palladium Gym, NYU
It's Time You Accepted That He's Gone
Hipster girl: Let's just go to the arcade with them.
JAP: I'd rather make out with Hitler.
--85th & Park
Can One Ever Have Enough Over-the-Calf Heroin?
Dude #1: We should have stayed in Midtown.
Dude #2: Why? All you can do there is buy socks and drugs.
--Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Alisa!
If That Doesn't Work, There's Always Rum
Ghetto mama #1: Yeah, I get him ready for bed, and then he starts cryin' and shit.
Ghetto mama #2: Girl, you give that baby some NyQuil before you put him to bed and he will be good to go.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Boys Are Quick to Master No-Dish Meals
Kid #1: ... So then I took a waffle and I filled it with eggs and grits and syrup, and I folded the whole thing up and ate it like a taco...
Kid #2: What? You're going to catch diabetes that way!
Kid #3: What are grits, anyway? What do grits taste like?
Kid #1: Syrup. They taste like syrup.
--Canarsie-bound L train
Ah, the Terrible Twos
Lady professor #1: She's growing up so fast... Before you know it she'll be smoking cigarettes and having affairs.
Lady professor #2: Which isn't that bad...
Lady professor #1: Well, I guess you're right.
--Hunter College