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June 2007 Archives
Another NYC Get-a-Room Production
Chick #1: Thanks, bitch.
Chick #2: I'm obsessed with you!
Chick #1: A restraining order couldn't stop my love.
--Canal St, Chinatown
Overheard by: i'm scared
And, Like, What Kind of School Involves Factory Labor?
Latina #1 pushing stroller: Mira! Today was the first day of David's school!
Latina #2: Damn! It start so quickly already?
Latina #1: Yeah, I went to drop David and met with the principal. He seemed a bit shady.
Latina #2: Shady? Like how?
Latina #1: I dunno. He was going on about how he treat everybody in school like his own children. I was like, 'Hold up! What family has so many kids, anyway?'
--9th & 4th
You're Right, But for the Wrong Reasons.
Woman: You won't take a fifty? Why won't you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don't have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!
Counter chick: It's company policy, we can't take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.
Woman: I don't want it on the house! I want to pay!
Counter chick: Don't worry about it. It's on the house. You don't have to pay.
Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won't let me pay! This is my husband's fault! He owns a nightclub and he won't give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won't let me pay! I feel like I'm homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.
--Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd
Overheard by: oliver tomorrow
Such a Good Boy
Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy's house this weekend.
Five-year-old boy: If he doesn't buy me a new toy, I'm going to slice his sausage open!
--Canal St
Overheard by: Ashley
Maybe in Version 2.0
Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it's covered in cum.
Girl #2: Mmm... If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday... I wish I tasted like this.
Girl #1: Word.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Alex Berger
"Soulmate" Conversations Are Graded on a Sliding Scale
Lady: Oh, man, I hate it when it rains, because there's water and you get wet.
Male companion: Yes, I know exactly what you mean.
--6 train, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Beth
Jesus Plays the Race Card
Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.
--55th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tony Jones
Every Day's a Gift, Babe. Shoes Are a Bonus
Mom: Will you look at that -- a shoe store!
Four-year-old girl: Isn't it magical?
--Payless Shoe Store, Astoria
It's a Stinky Slope
Old hobo, to no one: Don't start smellin'!
Young hobo: Are you serious?
Old hobo: You think I'm jokin'?
--W 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jon A.
I Should Take That Class at the New School
Girl #1: So, basically, if I keep having sex with him I continue to get drugs for free.
Girl #2: No one ever offers me drugs for sex.
Girl #1: Well, I guess you just don't have that street-whore quality about you.
--E train
Overheard by: melanie
You Can't Fix Everything with Explosives
Old guy browsing power tools: What about a bomb?
Buddy: A bomb? ... We already talked about that.
--Home Depot, 23rd St
Overheard by: Benjamin
Well, I Guess I Have Time for a Short One
Comedy promoter: Come on! Great show -- you know you want to come!
Tourist girl: No, thanks, I'm good. C
Comedy promoter: Come on! We have midget strippers!
--Times Square
She's a Cleavage Psychic
Little girl: Will I have big mountain nungas like you someday?
Big sister: Only hillocks, I fear.
--58th & 6th
Overheard by: EAK
Hey, I Barely Care about New York
Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!
Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?
Yuppie lady: No, it's in--
Cashier, interrupting: --Yeah, then I don't care.
--Clothing store, 54th & 5th
Or Should We Actually Go to Biology Class Today?
Boy pushing friend toward bathroom: Hurry! Empty your gizzard!
Girl: You mean my uterus?
--Brooklyn Tech High School
Why Lecture Halls Have Ejector Seats
Angry theology teacher: God created Adam and Eve--
Chick, cutting her off: --Who created God?
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
This Pony Keg Is Due Any Day Now
Lady: Sir, this woman is very pregnant. Please give her your seat.
Fat man: Yeah, well, I'm very fat, and that's basically the same thing.
--4 train
How about Astroglide Aston?
Sixth-grade boy #1: What's my stripper name?
Sixth-grade boy #2: Sexy Frank.
Sixth-grade boy #3: No! The names have to have assonance!
Sixth-grade boy #2: My name is Horny Harry!
Sixth-grade boy #1: I'm Lubricant Liam!
--121 Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anna
Don't You Even Want to Work?
Old woman: You should really go to the men's homeless shelter.
Hobo: I'm a woman.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Marcus
Maureen Makes the Transition to Casual Celibacy
Young girl #1: The guy hasn't called me in, like, a week...
Young girl #2: His loss.
Young girl #1: But I didn't even get to hook up with him!
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: MattyG
Gotta Love Those Kennedys
Girl #1: Anyhow, I kept telling him no, but he did. Then this morning I realized that I was raped.
Girl #2: Oh my god...
Girl #1: Yeah, but it was the best sex I ever had. But I didn't want it.
--B train
I Won the Trifecta
Short man: So, my therapist told me to take off my clothes and look into the mirror.
Tall woman: Why?
Short man: To confront my inner midget.
Tall woman: Your inner what?
Short man: Midget.
Tall woman: Don't you think that's potentially offensive to midgets?
Short man: Why? Some people are paranoid, some are neurotic, some are short.
--Tea Lounge, 7th Ave & 10th St, Park Slope
We'll Change It Once White People Start Saying It
Kid: Mom, where you at?
Mom: I'm right here, baby, and it's not where you at, it's where you is.
--Crowded store
Overheard by: spamandvikings
How Ignorant Would I Have to Become to Get That Rich?
Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.
Queer: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.
--Mott & Houston
... I Guess I'll Be Gay This Year
Dude #1: What? You want me to take my clothes off?
Dude #2: No, I-- [Dude #1 begins to disrobe.] Never mind.
--Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: Not really, no.
Do You Still Have That Special on Tampons?
Suit: Do you have any headache medication?
Production assistant pulling random stuff out of pockets: Yeah, sure. Do you have a headache?
Suit: No, but I might later... Oooh! Band-Aids!
--Universal Studios kitchen
Overheard by: Gunther
In Other Words, Everyone in the Back Seat
30-ish investment banker on cell: She had so much makeup on her face she looked like she had just blown 20 clowns.
--44th & Park
And She's My Stepsister
Hipster guy #1: You just pimped out your sister?
Hipster guy #2: To my best friend, yeah.
--The Crocodile Lounge, 14th St
Or I'll Never Finish This Clay Ashtray before Our Exam Time Is Up
Chick #1: How many colors are in two rainbows?
Chick #2: Shut up, Kimberly!
--NYU
Overheard by: Clara
But If You'd Like, I Can Give You a Fake Number
Chick #1: You're not trying.
Chick #2: Yes, I am.
Drunk guy: What's your name, beautiful?
Chick #2: I don't have one.
--Off the Wagon bar, MacDougal
Overheard by: NYU Student
First Psychotic Break Wins
Girl #1: So, yes, that should be our goal this weekend.
Girl #2: Agreed.
Girl #1: We'll get as many drugs as we can find.
Girl #3: And do them as quickly as we can.
Girl #2: Niiice.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: V
All Ye Who Stagger and Tweak, Hear Me!
Woman: Yeah, trains come really slow this late. Sometimes you have to wait hours.
Woman's friend: Yes, it's all the groups of people who are drunk and fucked up out at this hour waiting for the train.
Drunk man: Yeah, that's a pretty big group of people.
Woman: Those people need a leader.
Drunk man, shouting: I could be their leader!
--34th St station
Saving Yourself for Somebody Else's Husband?
Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend?
Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.
--86th St, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Kandiru
I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours
Boyfriend: I love Barnes and Noble.
Girlfriend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked reading.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Headline by: Tosser
Runners-Up:
· "As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I'm happy" - Jim C.
· "But I have a nice set of Hemingway coasters." - Sarah K
· "But get enough of them together, you have one hell of a fort." - DJR
· "I just like to judge them by their covers" - Peter
· "It's goal number 2, right after learnig to color inside the lines" - kristen
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Perhaps Some Nice Soy Chunks That Smell Like Feet?
Father: Can we just go to McDonald's for dinner?
Little girl: Dad! You know I can't have trans-fat.
--Queens-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Patricia
I'm Glad to Be out of That Pressure-Cooker!
TSA guard #1: You're new here, right?
TSA guard #2: Yeah. I worked at the Gap before, so this is different.
--JFK
Sometimes You Can Just See a Student's Mind Light Up
Student, after two-hour lecture on Charles Darwin: Yo, professor?
Teacher: Yes, Phyllis?
Student: That Charlie -- he da man!
Teacher: Indeed! Charlie is the man, Phyllis! Excellent!
--Queensborough Community College
Overheard by: Just trying to pass...
Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight
Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!
--8th & Broadway
Black guy on cell: You ain't no spring chicken, and you ain't no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Barbara
Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don't think I won't fuck you up.
--61st St
Overheard by: bill r
Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care...
--1 train
Overheard by: ChiChi
Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.
--W 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: MW
Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery
Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?
--Starbucks, The Villiage
Girl on cell: No, no... I don't think you understand -- my hips are two different sizes! You don't know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard
Chick on cell: ... Yes, it's coming out of my abdomen...
--Washington Square South
Overheard by: Tyler
Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I've been looking at my knees a lot?
--The Met
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I'm gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.
--231st & Broadway
Overheard by: KK
Hot chick: Well, you don't have arm testicles.
--East Houston St, near BHSEC
MTA lady to another: She got a lot o' heart for a pussy!
--4/5/6 train underpass, 59th St
Some Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Pretty soon this gon' be a paper-less world. I'll help you... Gimme all your paper money. I bring you to the future.
--Outside CVS, Lex
Teen girl: Of course there were credit cards in the '50s. How else would they have gotten their money from the ATMs?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Hans
Hipster boy to hipster girl: Yeah, remember that time we stuck to our principles? We got screwed out of a shitload of cash!
--Macy's
Overheard by: Steph
Articulate crazy man: Make money the old-fashioned way: put mercenaries on your payroll!
--6 train
Overheard by: Interested. Very interested.
Conductor: To the person who lost a roll of cash held together with a rubber band, come see me. I found the rubber band.
--A train, 59th St
Overheard by: John
Fat old guy to pal: You're either going to hurt yourself, hurt someone else, or lose all of us millions of dollars.
--8th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Julian Bennett Holmes
Thug handing 20-dollar bill to clerk: Be careful! Let it dry -- I just made that.
--Deli, 137th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Idols of Millions of Suburban White Boys
Thug to friends: Look, whatever, but I have never found myself with a girl who has no face.
--Columbia University
Thug: Yo, I got a huge blunt in my pocket... Oh, wait, that's my inhaler.
--Q train
Overheard by: djingo
Thug: Fuck that. Fuck that, nigga! If Bill Gates offered me 20 billion dollars to suck his cock, I'd swallow. Fuck.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: I would, too.
Thug athlete, after soccer game: You always be playin' that shit. You play that shit here, you play that shit in basketball, you play that shit in choir...
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: this guy
Thug on cell: I don't know where I was, but they's Germans everywhere in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anxiously] Now I know how Patton felt, son!
--14th & Driggs
Teen thug to friend: Yo, man, have you looked at a map of Manhattan? Know what that shit looks like?!
--W 79th
Overheard by: Nikki W.
Multiple Wednesday One-Liners
Ghetto college kid: God put me on this Earth to make sure every woman cums!
--Brooklyn-bound B train
Overheard by: Not coming
Man to friend: Being a vet involves more than just having orgasms at animal shows with puppies.
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Becky
Queer on cell: Yeah, so, I'm on my computer surfing the Internet last night and my roommate walks over and just cums in my face... Yeah, no, it was totally random.
--14th & 6th
Chick on cell: If I cum while eating, you can bet you'll get a text!
--Harlem
Overheard by: Hott Bi Luvr
Senile lady with cane, to no one: All you girls think about is orgasms.
--15th & 5th
Overheard by: Morgan
Professor, pointing at student: ... And we all know that Kyle* gets off on electronic media.
--NYU
Geek: Every time Darwin mentions the natural economy, I orgasm.
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons
Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.
--9th St & Ave A
Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.
--Outside The Grand, 58th St
Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Girl: But he didn't even kiss me at the club! We didn't kiss until the hospital, and it wasn't even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn't kiss me back.
--Café, Union Square
Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!
--NYU
Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long
Hairy guy: She'd be like, 'Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!'
--Amtrak
Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr
Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn't even get me a fuckin' vibrator!
--51st & 9th
Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma's too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Mitchell
Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won't work out because he's gay and I'm a lesbian, but he says I'm the sexiest person with a strap-on he's ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.
--Franklin & Church
Overheard by: Jenny
Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.
--72nd & Broadway
Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?
--Rivington & Ludlow
Overheard by: aryn
Who's Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?
Dude: Yeah, I'm sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!
--Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle
Overheard by: elizabeth
Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don't even say sorry. That's rude -- just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he's for sure gon' start right back there.
--A train
Overheard by: Jim W.
Lady on cell: Sorry, I can't meet you for lunch. It's been a long day -- I got divorced, it was my dad's birthday, and I need to get groceries.
--19th, between 5th & 6th
Waiter: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we've just sold our last sole.
--ESCA restaurant
Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We'll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well... you get Newark, sorry.
--Flight 3188 into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Wendy to the right
Suit: I don't know why people still aren't over the Nazis. They're really sorry.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Tom
Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They're Spectacular
Suit: ... But then I'd just be one big, walking boob!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: uh what?
Hipster chick: Oh my god, I know! Chad told me I have to show him my boobs before we graduate, and that's, like, only a month away!
--118th & Broadway
Overheard by: sapphirebluemica
Ghetto tourist man looking at Maidenform billboard: Breasts! Breasts on a billboard!
--35th & 7th
Overheard by: Moses
19-year-old girl: I am not leaving here without black ballet flats and breasts.
--Bathroom line, Macy's
Little boy: Look, Mommy, Shrek has titties!
--AMC, Bay Plaza
Overheard by: Mel & Damee
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn't say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!
--Camp, Cobble Hill