June 2007 Archives

Another NYC Get-a-Room Production

Chick #1: Thanks, bitch.
Chick #2: I'm obsessed with you!
Chick #1: A restraining order couldn't stop my love.

--Canal St, Chinatown

Overheard by: i'm scared


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And, Like, What Kind of School Involves Factory Labor?

Latina #1 pushing stroller: Mira! Today was the first day of David's school!
Latina #2: Damn! It start so quickly already?
Latina #1: Yeah, I went to drop David and met with the principal. He seemed a bit shady.
Latina #2: Shady? Like how?
Latina #1: I dunno. He was going on about how he treat everybody in school like his own children. I was like, 'Hold up! What family has so many kids, anyway?'

--9th & 4th


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You're Right, But for the Wrong Reasons.

Woman: You won't take a fifty? Why won't you take a fifty? This is outrageous! You don't have a checker pen? You just check it with a checker pen! You need to get a checker pen. Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening!
Counter chick: It's company policy, we can't take fifties. Nothing bigger than a twenty. But this drink is on the house.
Woman: I don't want it on the house! I want to pay!
Counter chick: Don't worry about it. It's on the house. You don't have to pay.
Woman: Well, this is the craziest thing I ever heard! You won't let me pay! This is my husband's fault! He owns a nightclub and he won't give me a credit card. All he gives me is cash from the till! All I have is fifties and hundreds! I have a whole purse full of them! And you won't let me pay! I feel like I'm homeless or something! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.

--Jamba Juice, 5th & 23rd

Overheard by: oliver tomorrow


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Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy's house this weekend.
Five-year-old boy: If he doesn't buy me a new toy, I'm going to slice his sausage open!

--Canal St

Overheard by: Ashley


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Maybe in Version 2.0

Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it's covered in cum.
Girl #2: Mmm... If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday... I wish I tasted like this.
Girl #1: Word.

--Park Slope

Overheard by: Alex Berger


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"Soulmate" Conversations Are Graded on a Sliding Scale

Lady: Oh, man, I hate it when it rains, because there's water and you get wet.
Male companion: Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

--6 train, 86th & Lex

Overheard by: Beth


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Jesus Plays the Race Card

Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, 'cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.

--55th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tony Jones


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Every Day's a Gift, Babe. Shoes Are a Bonus

Mom: Will you look at that -- a shoe store!
Four-year-old girl: Isn't it magical?

--Payless Shoe Store, Astoria


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It's a Stinky Slope

Old hobo, to no one: Don't start smellin'!
Young hobo: Are you serious?
Old hobo: You think I'm jokin'?

--W 79th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jon A.


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I Should Take That Class at the New School

Girl #1: So, basically, if I keep having sex with him I continue to get drugs for free.
Girl #2: No one ever offers me drugs for sex.
Girl #1: Well, I guess you just don't have that street-whore quality about you.

--E train

Overheard by: melanie


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You Can't Fix Everything with Explosives

Old guy browsing power tools: What about a bomb?
Buddy: A bomb? ... We already talked about that.

--Home Depot, 23rd St

Overheard by: Benjamin


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Well, I Guess I Have Time for a Short One

Comedy promoter: Come on! Great show -- you know you want to come!
Tourist girl: No, thanks, I'm good. C
Comedy promoter: Come on! We have midget strippers!

--Times Square


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She's a Cleavage Psychic

Little girl: Will I have big mountain nungas like you someday?
Big sister: Only hillocks, I fear.

--58th & 6th

Overheard by: EAK


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Hey, I Barely Care about New York

Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!
Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?
Yuppie lady: No, it's in--
Cashier, interrupting: --Yeah, then I don't care.

--Clothing store, 54th & 5th


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Or Should We Actually Go to Biology Class Today?

Boy pushing friend toward bathroom: Hurry! Empty your gizzard!
Girl: You mean my uterus?

--Brooklyn Tech High School


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Why Lecture Halls Have Ejector Seats

Angry theology teacher: God created Adam and Eve--
Chick, cutting her off: --Who created God?

--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island


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This Pony Keg Is Due Any Day Now

Lady: Sir, this woman is very pregnant. Please give her your seat.
Fat man: Yeah, well, I'm very fat, and that's basically the same thing.

--4 train


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How about Astroglide Aston?

Sixth-grade boy #1: What's my stripper name?
Sixth-grade boy #2: Sexy Frank.
Sixth-grade boy #3: No! The names have to have assonance!
Sixth-grade boy #2: My name is Horny Harry!
Sixth-grade boy #1: I'm Lubricant Liam!

--121 Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna


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Don't You Even Want to Work?

Old woman: You should really go to the men's homeless shelter.
Hobo: I'm a woman.

--25th & 3rd

Overheard by: Marcus


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Maureen Makes the Transition to Casual Celibacy

Young girl #1: The guy hasn't called me in, like, a week...
Young girl #2: His loss.
Young girl #1: But I didn't even get to hook up with him!

--86th & 2nd

Overheard by: MattyG


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Gotta Love Those Kennedys

Girl #1: Anyhow, I kept telling him no, but he did. Then this morning I realized that I was raped.
Girl #2: Oh my god...
Girl #1: Yeah, but it was the best sex I ever had. But I didn't want it.

--B train


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I Won the Trifecta

Short man: So, my therapist told me to take off my clothes and look into the mirror.
Tall woman: Why?
Short man: To confront my inner midget.
Tall woman: Your inner what?
Short man: Midget.
Tall woman: Don't you think that's potentially offensive to midgets?
Short man: Why? Some people are paranoid, some are neurotic, some are short.

--Tea Lounge, 7th Ave & 10th St, Park Slope


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We'll Change It Once White People Start Saying It

Kid: Mom, where you at?
Mom: I'm right here, baby, and it's not where you at, it's where you is.

--Crowded store

Overheard by: spamandvikings


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How Ignorant Would I Have to Become to Get That Rich?

Woman: He's very successful. I'm sure he's a millionaire by now, and he's only 26. He never even graduated from college.
Queer: I'm soooooo jealous. I wish I didn't have an education.

--Mott & Houston


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... I Guess I'll Be Gay This Year

Dude #1: What? You want me to take my clothes off?
Dude #2: No, I-- [Dude #1 begins to disrobe.] Never mind.

--Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Not really, no.


Posted 2007-06-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Do You Still Have That Special on Tampons?

Suit: Do you have any headache medication?
Production assistant pulling random stuff out of pockets: Yeah, sure. Do you have a headache?
Suit: No, but I might later... Oooh! Band-Aids!

--Universal Studios kitchen

Overheard by: Gunther


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In Other Words, Everyone in the Back Seat

30-ish investment banker on cell: She had so much makeup on her face she looked like she had just blown 20 clowns.

--44th & Park


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And She's My Stepsister

Hipster guy #1: You just pimped out your sister?
Hipster guy #2: To my best friend, yeah.

--The Crocodile Lounge, 14th St


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Or I'll Never Finish This Clay Ashtray before Our Exam Time Is Up

Chick #1: How many colors are in two rainbows?
Chick #2: Shut up, Kimberly!

--NYU

Overheard by: Clara


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But If You'd Like, I Can Give You a Fake Number

Chick #1: You're not trying.
Chick #2: Yes, I am.
Drunk guy: What's your name, beautiful?
Chick #2: I don't have one.

--Off the Wagon bar, MacDougal

Overheard by: NYU Student


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First Psychotic Break Wins

Girl #1: So, yes, that should be our goal this weekend.
Girl #2: Agreed.
Girl #1: We'll get as many drugs as we can find.
Girl #3: And do them as quickly as we can.
Girl #2: Niiice.

--Pratt Institute

Overheard by: V


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All Ye Who Stagger and Tweak, Hear Me!

Woman: Yeah, trains come really slow this late. Sometimes you have to wait hours.
Woman's friend: Yes, it's all the groups of people who are drunk and fucked up out at this hour waiting for the train.
Drunk man: Yeah, that's a pretty big group of people.
Woman: Those people need a leader.
Drunk man, shouting: I could be their leader!

--34th St station


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Saving Yourself for Somebody Else's Husband?

Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend?
Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.

--86th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Kandiru


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I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours

Boyfriend: I love Barnes and Noble.
Girlfriend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked reading.

--Barnes & Noble, Union Square



Headline by: Tosser

Runners-Up:
· "As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I'm happy" - Jim C.
· "But I have a nice set of Hemingway coasters." - Sarah K
· "But get enough of them together, you have one hell of a fort." - DJR
· "I just like to judge them by their covers" - Peter
· "It's goal number 2, right after learnig to color inside the lines" - kristen


Click here to see the new Headline Contest


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Perhaps Some Nice Soy Chunks That Smell Like Feet?

Father: Can we just go to McDonald's for dinner?
Little girl: Dad! You know I can't have trans-fat.

--Queens-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Patricia


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I'm Glad to Be out of That Pressure-Cooker!

TSA guard #1: You're new here, right?
TSA guard #2: Yeah. I worked at the Gap before, so this is different.

--JFK


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Sometimes You Can Just See a Student's Mind Light Up

Student, after two-hour lecture on Charles Darwin: Yo, professor?
Teacher: Yes, Phyllis?
Student: That Charlie -- he da man!
Teacher: Indeed! Charlie is the man, Phyllis! Excellent!

--Queensborough Community College

Overheard by: Just trying to pass...


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Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight

Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!

--8th & Broadway

Black guy on cell: You ain't no spring chicken, and you ain't no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.

--8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Barbara

Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don't think I won't fuck you up.

--61st St

Overheard by: bill r

Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care...

--1 train

Overheard by: ChiChi

Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.

--W 45th & Broadway

Overheard by: MW


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Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery

Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?

--Starbucks, The Villiage

Girl on cell: No, no... I don't think you understand -- my hips are two different sizes! You don't know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard

Chick on cell: ... Yes, it's coming out of my abdomen...

--Washington Square South

Overheard by: Tyler

Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I've been looking at my knees a lot?

--The Met

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I'm gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.

--231st & Broadway

Overheard by: KK

Hot chick: Well, you don't have arm testicles.

--East Houston St, near BHSEC

MTA lady to another: She got a lot o' heart for a pussy!

--4/5/6 train underpass, 59th St


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Some Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Pretty soon this gon' be a paper-less world. I'll help you... Gimme all your paper money. I bring you to the future.

--Outside CVS, Lex

Teen girl: Of course there were credit cards in the '50s. How else would they have gotten their money from the ATMs?

--Starbucks

Overheard by: Hans

Hipster boy to hipster girl: Yeah, remember that time we stuck to our principles? We got screwed out of a shitload of cash!

--Macy's

Overheard by: Steph

Articulate crazy man: Make money the old-fashioned way: put mercenaries on your payroll!

--6 train

Overheard by: Interested. Very interested.

Conductor: To the person who lost a roll of cash held together with a rubber band, come see me. I found the rubber band.

--A train, 59th St

Overheard by: John

Fat old guy to pal: You're either going to hurt yourself, hurt someone else, or lose all of us millions of dollars.

--8th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Julian Bennett Holmes

Thug handing 20-dollar bill to clerk: Be careful! Let it dry -- I just made that.

--Deli, 137th & Broadway


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Wednesday One-Liners Are the Idols of Millions of Suburban White Boys

Thug to friends: Look, whatever, but I have never found myself with a girl who has no face.

--Columbia University

Thug: Yo, I got a huge blunt in my pocket... Oh, wait, that's my inhaler.

--Q train

Overheard by: djingo

Thug: Fuck that. Fuck that, nigga! If Bill Gates offered me 20 billion dollars to suck his cock, I'd swallow. Fuck.

--Brooklyn College

Overheard by: I would, too.

Thug athlete, after soccer game: You always be playin' that shit. You play that shit here, you play that shit in basketball, you play that shit in choir...

--Prospect Park

Overheard by: this guy

Thug on cell: I don't know where I was, but they's Germans everywhere in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anxiously] Now I know how Patton felt, son!

--14th & Driggs

Teen thug to friend: Yo, man, have you looked at a map of Manhattan? Know what that shit looks like?!

--W 79th

Overheard by: Nikki W.


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Multiple Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto college kid: God put me on this Earth to make sure every woman cums!

--Brooklyn-bound B train

Overheard by: Not coming

Man to friend: Being a vet involves more than just having orgasms at animal shows with puppies.

--10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Becky

Queer on cell: Yeah, so, I'm on my computer surfing the Internet last night and my roommate walks over and just cums in my face... Yeah, no, it was totally random.

--14th & 6th

Chick on cell: If I cum while eating, you can bet you'll get a text!

--Harlem

Overheard by: Hott Bi Luvr

Senile lady with cane, to no one: All you girls think about is orgasms.

--15th & 5th

Overheard by: Morgan

Professor, pointing at student: ... And we all know that Kyle* gets off on electronic media.

--NYU

Geek: Every time Darwin mentions the natural economy, I orgasm.

--Columbia University


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Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.

--9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.

--Outside The Grand, 58th St

Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.

--LIRR

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: But he didn't even kiss me at the club! We didn't kiss until the hospital, and it wasn't even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn't kiss me back.

--Café, Union Square

Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!

--NYU


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Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She'd be like, 'Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!'

--Amtrak

Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn't even get me a fuckin' vibrator!

--51st & 9th

Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma's too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.

--Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won't work out because he's gay and I'm a lesbian, but he says I'm the sexiest person with a strap-on he's ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.

--Franklin & Church

Overheard by: Jenny

Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.

--72nd & Broadway

Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?

--Rivington & Ludlow

Overheard by: aryn


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Who's Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I'm sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

--Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don't even say sorry. That's rude -- just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he's for sure gon' start right back there.

--A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can't meet you for lunch. It's been a long day -- I got divorced, it was my dad's birthday, and I need to get groceries.

--19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we've just sold our last sole.

--ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We'll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well... you get Newark, sorry.

--Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don't know why people still aren't over the Nazis. They're really sorry.

--Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom


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Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They're Spectacular

Suit: ... But then I'd just be one big, walking boob!

--Grand Central

Overheard by: uh what?

Hipster chick: Oh my god, I know! Chad told me I have to show him my boobs before we graduate, and that's, like, only a month away!

--118th & Broadway

Overheard by: sapphirebluemica

Ghetto tourist man looking at Maidenform billboard: Breasts! Breasts on a billboard!

--35th & 7th

Overheard by: Moses

19-year-old girl: I am not leaving here without black ballet flats and breasts.

--Bathroom line, Macy's

Little boy: Look, Mommy, Shrek has titties!

--AMC, Bay Plaza

Overheard by: Mel & Damee

Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn't say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!

--Camp, Cobble Hill


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Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this!

--W 50th

Cabbie on cell: Hello? I'm going to beat you up... 'Cause I want to!

--23rd & Lex

Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street?

--Delancey & Chrystie

Overheard by: Les Chinatown

Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then -- I am at the airport...I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn't bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today.

--99th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Laughing in the back

Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies.

--30th & 5th


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Wednesday One-Liners Get an "A" in Conduct

Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out... I'll see you in Babylon...

--LIRR train leaving Penn Station

Overheard by: Bill Reese

Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we're off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.

--Metro-North

Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan... apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.

--D train

Overheard by: i don't like that dude

Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.

--F train

Overheard by: Eileen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don't think I know how to swim.

--Metro-North

Overheard by: mark

Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!

--NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Care

Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren't, it still is.

--LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier


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Vampire Wednesday One-Liners of Sodom

Father to kids cupping statue's penis: Come on, girls, it's time to leave. You'll be lesbians before you know it.

--Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!

--Times Square

Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You're upset that the woman could tell we're dykes. I'm upset that she insulted us because we're dykes.

--16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.

--207th St station

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!

--E/V platform, 5th Ave


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Here We See the Archetypal Enabler

Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we've never even hooked up.
Teen girl #2: That's so weird.
Teen girl #1: I know! It'd be such a slutty thing to do. And I've never even given a blowjob before.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.
Teen girl #2: Good point.
Teen girl #1: So I'm totally going to do it.
Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips!

--Metro-North


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Hey, You're a Nice Guy; You Just Suck

NYU kid yelling to band from dorm window: Hey! You suck!
Singer at nice event: Uh, this is for charity.

--W 4th & MacDougal


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Isn't That Why We Come Here?

Creepster #1: Jesus, all the people who come to the zoo smell like shit.
Creepster #2: Or maybe that's just the zoo...

--Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Where is my deodorant?


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Because You Love Me, Right? Honey?

Girl: Honey, are you listening to me?
Guy: No, I was thinking about putting my dick in your mouth.
Girl: Oh.

--Central Park

Overheard by: dead letter b


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Or a Big Bowl of Pussyflakes

Ghetto booty #1: So I went out with him the other day. Well, not out, we just went and smoked a cigarette at work. It was snowing and he was all catching snowflakes on his tongue and turns to me and is like, 'Man, I wish these snowflakes was pussy falling in my mouth.'
Ghetto booty #2: Yeah, he wants you.

--6 train

Overheard by: xtina & sarah


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But with Taxis

Drunk man: Hey, is this Penn Station?
Woman: No, this is Grand Central. It's hard to get from the East side to the West side.
Drunk man: Yeah, it's exactly like being in Hell.

--Grand Central


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Everything but War and Straight Marriage Is Now Forbidden

Babysitter: Ok guys, hold my hand.
Six-year-old boy: Holding hands is unnatural.
Babysitter: What? Where did you hear that?
Six-year-old boy: George Bush!
Man walking ahead: Wow, he really does get blamed for everything now.

--1 train, 225th St

Overheard by: bkh


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Your College Tuition Plan Revolves around My Life Insurance

Dad: How about pizza for lunch?
Four-year-old boy: No, I think we need to eat something healthier than pizza.
Dad: But it's really healthy. See, it has all those tomatoes on it.

--Pinnacle


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Naomi and Winona Do the Town

Mom: Okay, sweetie, time to get you home.
Drunk daughter: Shut the fuck up, Mom! You're drunk, you stupid whore!

--Bedford Ave


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Where Teen Fads Come From

Michigan middle schooler #1: Ewww!
Michigan middle schooler #2, to NY high schooler: You have poop on your butt!
NY high schooler: It's not poop, it's floor adhesive!

--Lincoln Center


Posted 2007-06-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Then It's at Least Two Sins

Street preacher: Oh, you poor ladies. You are on your way to Hell. Stop holding each other like that! Don't you know that lesbianism is a sin?
Girl: Dude, that's my mom!

--Jay St


Posted 2007-06-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Nobody's Getting a Library Card on My Watch

Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I'd kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I'm never buying my kids books.

--Yankee Stadium


Posted 2007-06-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Time to Rebrand Myself

Fat lady #1: I don't know... I ain't into all that freaky shit.
Fat lady #2: You just need to tell him you can't be his nasty bitch no more.
Fat lady #1: I know that's right, girl.

--6 train platform

Overheard by: Peter


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And after That, Only Because I Loved You on Full House

NYU girl: I'm so stressed out.
NYU boy: You're stressed out? I'm rushing for a fraternity. I'm stressed out.
NYU girl: What do you have to do?
NYU boy: Can't say. It's top secret.
NYU girl: Oh my gawd, tell me!
NYU boy, jokingly: I get hazed.
NYU girl: What's hazed?
NYU boy: Oh my god. Wikipedia it.
NYU girl: What's Wikipedia? Well, whatever. I want to rush for a fraternity.
NYU boy: You can't. A fraternity is only for boys.
NYU girl: Ugh, fine! Then I'll rush for a maternity and I'll be cooler than you and your top secret fraternity.
NYU boy: Okay, we're not friends for ten minutes.

--Starbucks, W 4th


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How Am I Doing Now?

Girl: Didn't your mother ever teach you if you don't have anything nice to say don't say a fucking thing?
Guy: Um...
Girl: You're such a dick! God, what a motherfucker.

--1 train


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm a Quid Pro Quo Volunteer

Conductor: Yo, you gotta get off here -- he doesn't get to ride for free.
Drunk fireman in uniform: Oh, yeah? Well, I hope your house burns down with you in it, and nope -- I won't save you!

--LIRR


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I May Have Hurt Myself with the Lesbians, Then

Jock: Hey, you got a haircut.
Bored pal: Yeah, I did.
Jock: You don't look like a lesbian anymore.
Bored pal: No, I don't look like a lesbian.
Jock: Now you just look like a scary gay.

--Gym class, Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Do You Want to Smell Like Uncle Walter?

Tourist dad: Kids, you have pay attention when we're in the big city, 'cause...
Daughter: 'Cause if you don't you die?
Dad: No, you could get lost and then you'll become a street person.

--Central Park South


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Just Not Ready to Lay Eggs at This Point in My Life

Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don't give head.
Guy: Oh, why? You don't like it?
Bimbette: No, it's just that I'm afraid to get pregnant!

--78th & 41st

Overheard by: rain


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You're Just the Top of Her Slippery Slope

Teen thug #1: You met her in rehab? Son, you was only there three days...!
Teen thug #2: Yo, but check this out -- she's 35!
Teen thug #1: Son, she gonna drop yo' ass when she finds out how old you are!
Teen thug #2: I already told her.
Teen thug #1, after long pause: Shit, then she a pedophile, son!

--F train

Overheard by: Missin the city


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

With Considerable Waxy Buildup

Disgusted mom: I thought that old man had a Bluetooth in his ear...
Teen daughter: It wasn't?
Disgusted mom: It was ear hair.

--Times Square

Overheard by: SurferGirl


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ennui and Apathy, Living in Perfect Harmony...

Tourist mom: Excuse me, miss, do you know how to get back to Manhattan?
Hipster girl: I'm sorry, I don't really have the energy to give you fake directions right now.

--Brooklyn-bound F train



Headline by: null

Runners-Up:
· "...Between the emphysema from the clove cigarettes and the anemia from cutting myself." - invisible girl
· "And if I give real ones, I lose my hipster certification" - AmyS
· "But for $5, I'll Pretend to Mock Your Fat Children" - Debra, the Barmaid Blog
· "I'm saving it all for defending my bitchy ass in Brooklyn" - knumb
· "When in doubt, Swim" - 6th Floor Blogger


Click here to see the new Headline Contest


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Where Do You Kids Get Such Awful Manners Anyway?

Four-year-old girl: Jose!
Latino dad: Stop callin' me jose! What's my name?!
Four-year-old girl: Jose!
Latino dad: If you don't stop callin' me Jose I'ma stick my foot up yo' ass, you hear? I ain't no Jose, I'm Daddy!

--Atlantic Center


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Efficacy of Abstinence-Only Sex Ed, Encapsulated

Clown: Chastity.
Three-year-old boy: Hahahaha!

--W 86th & West End

Overheard by: Emily B.


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Unless They're in This Week

Sober chick: Hey, c'mon, let's go inside. It's cold out here.
Tipsy chick: Okay... [Closes shirt.] Tell me if you see a nipple, 'cause that would just be awkward.
Sober chick: Of course.

--Spring & Elizabeth

Overheard by: Wear A Bra


Posted 2007-06-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Good Thing I Hired That Stenographer

Chick #1: So, then you sat on the floor and started kicking. You stopped and said we should smoke when we got back to our room, to piss her off.
Chick #2: Did we?
Chick #1: We didn't have any cigarettes left.
Chick #2: But you have a pipe!
Chick #1: Where was I going to get pot at two in the morning?
Chick #2: You could've called someone. Damn, I wish I could remember last night.

--Fordham, Lincoln Center


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Um, It's a Mistake to Have Sex with Dead Clothes?

Smug fashionista: My god, that's a fashion faux pas if I ever saw one.
Confused companion: Oh, did she kill fashion again?
Smug fashionista: Not only did she kill fashion again, but she raped it after killing it! She's like... like... the necrophiliac of haute couture or something.... Wait. What the fuck am I talking about?!

--Madison Ave

Overheard by: Minnie Sukthankar-Romanovich


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Buy That Dairy-Industry Propaganda?

Dude #1: Mmm, avocados!
Dude #2: Nature's butter.
Dude #1: I thought butter was nature's butter...

--34th St Diner

Overheard by: Lauren


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Told You I Have a Protein Deficiency, Okay?

Girlfriend: Ugh, I have the worst taste in my mouth.
Boyfriend: That's 'cause you're a whore.
Girlfriend: ... I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Your mouth tastes bad 'cause you suck too much cock.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! You're such an asshole!
Boyfriend: I love you, baby.

--Shea Stadium

Overheard by: sweetpea


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She Had a Featured Solo in Backside Story

Man, during intermission of Chicago: Did you see the chorus girl with the long auburn hair?
Woman: Yeah?
Man: I'm pretty sure I've seen her in porn on the internet.
Woman, annoyed: Well, when we get home maybe you can find out for sure.
Man: I'm not saying she can't sing!

--Ambassador Theatre, W 49th

Overheard by: Big Larry


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Clearly You Haven't Seen Her Creepy Scrapbook

Tween girl #1: He had a boner. It was so gross.
Tween girl #2: How do you know he had a boner?
Tween girl #1: I've known him since first grade. He had a boner.
Tween guy: How does knowing him since first grade have anything to do with knowing that he had a boner?

--Starbucks

Overheard by: Bryan


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No-Nookie Night in Tribeca

Tuxedo: Oh, you should have called us! We could have gotten you into Spago. We go there all the time! The guy there is, like, our best friend! Honey, what's the name of that guy at Spago?
Trophy wife: We've never been to Spago. You went there with Jennifer.

--Greenwich & N Moore

Overheard by: annulla


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You'll Be Sorry -- This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!

Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You're selling a triberry muffin. Well, what's a triberry? I've never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren't any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That's false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it's called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don't understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don't think so. I don't want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]
Barista: Dumbass.

--Starbucks

Overheard by: Waplow


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Glad I Aborted His Baby

Woman #1: He slept with Mary?
Woman #2: And to think that I was this close to falling in love with him.

--Starbucks, Times Square


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Riddle of the Sphincter: Solved

Teen boy: I don't see how a gay boy's booty just expands like that.
Queer bystander: Actually, it doesn't expand -- it rips.
Teen boy: Oh, thanks. I needed that.

--G train

Overheard by:


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Told You Not to Use That Flavored Lube

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?
Girl: Yeah, I'll have a cranberry juice.
Grandpa: What's wrong, you got a yeast infection or something?

--Park Slope

Overheard by: befuddled diner


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You're Both Right!

Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!

--Edison Diner, 47th St

Overheard by: I like Dick


Posted 2007-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Violating the Rules Set Forth at the Geneva Convention

Late twenties girl: Were you part of that food fight Friday night?
Early thirties guy: Yeah, I got hit with a buttered roll. Someone actually buttered the roll before they threw it.

--6 train

Overheard by: Erica


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Let Me Rephrase That.

Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.

--777 3rd Ave


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You're Sure This Is a Good Anniversary Present for My Wife?

Metrosexual: Do you think she's a Volvic kind of girl or more of a Poland Spring or Crystal Geyser?
Girlfriend: Ummm, I see her as a Volvic... Maybe not.
Metrosexual: I think I'll go with Poland Spring. I hope she likes it.
Girlfriend: I hope you're right.

--Deli, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Maybe she likes the Hudson...


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Back When I Was Only a Slut's Apprentice

Chick: I had such a hard time when I lived here. People were always calling me a slut. Always, always, always, always.
Guy standing next to her: Yeah?

--Outside the W Hotel, 17th & Park

Overheard by: Will


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination

Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...

--Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour

Overheard by: Vinnie


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Pretty Soon You'll Hear the Pitter Patter of Tiny Sheets

Semi-sober girl: You going home to sleep it off?
Drunk girl: I'm gonna go home and make love to my bed... Make little cots...

--Bar, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: tea


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At Least She's Reading

Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What's the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn't none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.

--Vesey St


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And If Anybody Else Wants It

Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!

--Meatpacking District


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

One of the Feral Children of the Subway System

School child #1: Yo, Tupac is still alive.
School child #2: Yeah, I heard that, too. I heard he's strippin'. He's a stripper in LA.

A small child with them gets off train.

Old woman: Get back on the train! [Small child gives her the finger with both hands and runs away.]
School child #1: Yo, who is that kid?
School child #2: I don't know. I saw him in the bathroom. He was takin' a shit and he came out and smiled at me... And that's how I know him.

--G train


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart's Alive?

Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy's computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.

--Seaman & Cumming


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Fine, Get All Master Po on Me

Mom, in Chinese: One bubble tea.
Daughter: Why do you know Chinese?
Mom: Why don't you?

--Main St


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or You're Harvey Fierstein

Woman: I got yoo-hooed just now by Greg.
Man: Yoo-hooed?
Woman: Yeah, he totally waved his hand and said, 'Yoo-hoo!'
Man: Dude, you just can't say that if you're under the age of 65 and not referring to a chocolate beverage.

--Central Park


Posted 2007-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Got the Ring On, but Doctors Say the Finger Is Lost

Engaged girl: Oh my god, who did what with it?
Married girl: I squeezed it until it was blue.

--6th Ave & Carmine

Overheard by: Rachel


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella

Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.

--BX 12 bus


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

From Hemingway's Unpublished "Big Two-Headed Dildo"

Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing walking behind me?
Thug #2: I don't know.
Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing? Nobody walks behind me... Unless it's my girl... with a dildo.

--78th & 2nd

Overheard by: MLM


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

With Ethnic Cleansing at a Close Second.

Princess #1: I had to run to the cafeteria and get fro-yo because my stomach was growling in class! How embarrassing is that?
Princess #2: Oh my god. That is my worst nightmare.

--Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: stine


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Really? Is My Face Red!

White chick to black chick: That's a cute bag. It would be, if it were real.
Black chick: Bitch, it ain't fake, it's stolen!

--14th & 8th


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Look, We're Just Having a Private Moment at the Top of My Lungs

Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.

--74th St-Roosevelt Ave station


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Your Responsibility As a Pirate-American

Angry guy #1: I was like, 'The next time some guy says he won't hire me 'cause I got a record, I'm gonna rob him on the spot!'
Angry guy #2: Damn right!

--6 train


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!

Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?

--13th & Ave A

Overheard by: Lark


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And She Shows Up for It

Girl #1: Where was Liz last night?
Girl #2: Oh, you didn't hear?
Girl #1: Hear what?
Girl #2: She went to her boyfriend's grandmother's 82nd birthday!
Girl #1: Oh, that's sweet. Why are you so upset by that?
Girl #2: Her boyfriend's grandmother died four years ago! Apparently the family has been celebrating it every year! They have a cake with candles and everything.

--16th & 7th


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Are You Okay with Sarcastic Sneering?

Guy handing out fliers: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Goth girl: No! I hate happiness!

--Times Square

Overheard by: A


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Surrendering to Your Fate Will Be Sweet, Though

Girl: It's this way.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: I know where all the Jamba Juice is.
Guy: Are.
Girl: What?
Guy: Are. You know where all the Jamba Juice are.
Girl: Is.
Guy: Are! Each franchise is a separate entity!
Girl: Is! They're all part of single collective!
Guy: Jamba Juice is not the Borg!

--50th & Broadway


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What? My Long Line Jokes Kill at Caroline's

Construction guy: Can't we move this line a little faster? This line isn't moving anywhere. What's with this line?
Lady: Here, you can go ahead of me.
Construction guy: I'm using humor, lady. This is just humor. I'm not serious here. [Gets in front of her in line.]

--4th St

Overheard by: the girl who fainted at Starbucks


Posted 2007-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Not Gay, but I Don't Much Like Men

Little sis: I don't know. I'm just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what's your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind... God, that would be great, though.

--1 train platform, 23rd St


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They See Themselves As Very-Low-Fat Peaches

Flabby hipster #1: She had that anorexic fuzz on her neck.
Flabby hipster #2: Ew!
Flabby hipster #3: No, that's bulimic fuzz.
Flabby hipster #1: It's for both.
Flabby hipster #2: That is gross. You would think that having that fuzz would be some incentive to eat.

--F train


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Then Fail Them... Oh, Wait

Student: Do I need to do the math extra credit project?!
Teacher: Yes, because on Friday when you come to me and ask if you are failing, I'm gonna laugh at you. Then you will go home and tell your family that I laughed at you. Then they will come up to school and yell at me and I'll laugh at them.

--Forest Hills school

Overheard by: laughing my ass off at my classmate


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Should the Chain Be Stronger Than Your Neck?

Teen thug #1: You spent a thousand dollas on that chain?!
Teen thug #2: Yeah.
Teen thug #1: A thousand dollas? On that bullshit?!
Teen thug #2: This is titanium, son! Ain't nothin' stronger than this!

--3 train, 125th St

Overheard by: vegannramember@gmail.com


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Grandma Has Just Two Settings

Girl #1: Actually, my mom ran into your grandmother the other day near here.
Girl #2: Oh, really? Was my grandmother nice to her or was she a raving bitch?
Girl #1: Oh. I don't know.

--7th & Christopher


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Worn This Shirt Again.

Nice guy #1: Hey, miss, would you like my seat?
Preggers: No.
Nice guy #2: Here, take mine. I'm getting off soon.
Preggers: For the love of God, I fucking said no! People these days gotta learn themselves some English.

--Bronx-bound 4 train


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now I'm a Jerk

Mother: You were a jerk for years.
Son: No, I was a cokehead. There's a huge difference.

--F train

Overheard by: Shaun Laika


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Guess You Haven't Interviewed in a While

Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!

--72nd & Broadway


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or Some Such Numbery Amount

Cashier: She gave you twelve dollars? Twenty dollars? Just give her back eleventeen.

--Rite Aid, 50th & 8th

Overheard by: maribeth


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It

Thug: So, if I'm half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.

--149th & 3rd, Bronx



Headline by: Mariya

Runners-Up:
· "Actually, it makes you unemployed" - Mr. Bone
· "Bitch, don't be callin' me no adjectival form!" - was "rico"/"rican" the first thing you noticed too?
· "Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition" - Scott
· "Runs With Hookers didn't excel in Ethnic Studies" - bri b
· "The new theory of relativity" - sara swank


Click here to see the new Headline Contest


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Told That Work Is Also an Excellent Distraction

Hipsterette #1: I just don't know what to do!
Hipsterette #2: Just be an artist, baby. Paint it out. Paint all your emotions out.

--S 1st & Havemeyer, Williamsburg


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Because You're Worth It

Cropped girl #1: Why doesn't Dawn have any other friends?
Cropped girl #2: Would you hang out with her?
Long-haired girl: Yes. She has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #1: Well, you are easier than other people.
Cropped girl #2: This is why she is our friend.
Long-haired girl: But neither of you has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #2: But I did when you first met me.
Long-haired girl: And that has held over.

--13th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Lola


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What's His Job? Discuss

Girl: Why are you wearing cowboy boots?
Guy walking other way: I just got off work.
Girl, to friend: Did that guy just call me a whore?

--East Village

Overheard by: James Triggs


Posted 2007-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Leave Track Marks

Former Broadway ingenue: He injects silicone into his penis and testicles. He has for years.

--A-list Broadway party

Overheard by: kgrahams

Wannabe policy maker: They should have umbrella exchange centers. You know, like needle exchanges.

--Washington Square South

Overheard by: Lacey

Dad: You want to get arrested? Brian, put those syringes down. If you want to get high, go outside and find some mothafucka on the street.

--Emergency room, Beth Israel

Overheard by: Coughing in the Ghetto Israel

Ditz: I love hepatitis shots!

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Salmon Slap

Hipster chick on cell: Yeah, you should probably get a rabies shot for that... And a pap smear.

--Washington Square Park


Posted 2007-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Weekly Re-Up of Wednesday One-Liners

Bike messenger screaming to another: That's why I love you. Because you support my drug habit!

--3rd Ave & 10th St

Five-year-old with mother: I'm gonna get get get you hiiiigghh!

--10th & Broadway

Overheard by: evanescent

Mom to three-year-old daughter: Sit up! Sit up! Are you on crack?

--2 train, the Bronx

Overheard by: MK

Professor: I remember this one acid trip...

--NYU, Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Stoner dude: I get high to get high. I don't expect much, but it passes time and it kills hangovers.

--17th & 8th

Overheard by: Lara

Thugette on pimped-out cell: Honey, I told yo' ass before, I'll tell you again: once a nigga puts rims on his Fed-Ex truck, you know he's a drug dealer

--36th Ave station, Astoria

Overheard by: Akojam Milas


Posted 2007-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated

Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can't decide whether to keep drinking it or not.

--Housing Works Bookstore

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Buppie on cell: Listen, I'll come over, we'll brew some tea, and then we'll get hammered.

--Washington Square

Overheard by: Justine

Guy's guy: My 19th birthday is Monday... Yeah, I think I'm gonna cry... I don't know, I've been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying... I know! I think it's all the soy milk I've been drinking.

--Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mbeezers

Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it's kosher.

--Union Square

Overheard by: alana landa

Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.

--Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: raqqy

Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!

--Canal St

RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They're economic... They're sociable... And yeah, yeah that's it.

--Columbia freshman dorm lounge

Overheard by: Columbia Freshman


Posted 2007-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners Start to Sizzle

Guy to his terrified date: Damn, I want to do you. Really, we should go back to my place. We're hot, we'd be hot together, people would pay to watch us fuck.

--Union Square

Security guard to teen boy who set off the metal detector: Whoa, drop it like it's hot, baby.

--Checkpoint at JFK

Ghetto teen: Nigga said his penis was hotter than a microwave.

--A train, 168 St

Late-20s woman on cell: Am I getting old? Not picking up hot Frenchmen who offer me drugs?

--The Four Seasons

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick on cell: Yes, but you're a hot creepy stranger.

--Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle


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Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it's my job to bury it. 'Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let's hope for global warming, because then we'll all have beach-front property.

--6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

--Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January...

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing... Save the world from global warming... I definitely prefer the former.

--Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

--79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I'm no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

--58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we've just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

--JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana


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Wednesday One-Liners Express Themselves

Woman running down the stairs: Hold the doors! Oh, God, please hold the doors! Please! [Doors close, train pulls away.] Why? Whyyy?!

--A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That's the last train in the world!

--W 4th Street A/C/E platform

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Student: Yo mama is so dumb that when she needs to take the 4 train, she takes the 2 train twice!

--Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Gazoo

Tourist to friends: Ok, so, we're headed downtown right now, and in a couple stops we'll transfer to the express.

--A train express, between 34th & 42nd

Tourist woman: Why is it called an express train? All it does is skip stops.

--4 train at Fulton St

Chick to guy: Don't tell me that bull! Don't pull that on the A train!

--Manhattan-bound A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: chudoc324


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Wednesday One-Liners Shoulda Looked It Up

Coworker: Heiser... Wasn't that Hitler's last name?

--Public library

Overheard by: Apparently I'm related to that guy

Lady in line: What's the difference between french fries and cheese fries?

--Shake Shack

Overheard by: cheese connoisseur

Confused German tourist: Is this the meatloaf district?

--14th & 9th

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Guy: What is the opposite of September?

--Law firm, Lexington Avenue

Girl: Wait... Was Hurricane Katrina a tsunami?

--Francis School, Staten Island

Clueless girl to captain of the schooner Adirondack: So, like, is Adirondack a girl's name or something?

--Hudson River

Overheard by: glad I'm not her daughter

Woman leaving the subway: I still don't get it. Is the subway a train or a bus?

--Museum of Natural History subway station

Overheard by: dinoman


Posted 2007-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wednesday One-Liners and the N-Word

Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it...

--Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Salesperson to customer: C'mon nigga, just buy this fucking thing, you know you want it.

--Radio Shack, 225th St

Overheard by: charles elliot

Black lady: So here I go doin' my thang, right, and I look up and this nigga here is eatin' a pickle... A pickle!

--NJ Transit into Penn Station

Overheard by: dirtyjersey

Thug: Yo, fuck you! You Pillsbury Doughboy punch-you-in-the-face-lookin' nigga!

--Grand St

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Old woman: Nigga's tutti-frutti as a motherfucker.

--35th & 8th

14-year-old girl to friend:... And then my daddy called me a ho! Fuck that nigga!

--Spofford Ave, Hunts Point

Overheard by: number seven

Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean... Hurry up... son.

--50th & Broadway


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Wednesday One-Liners Have Suspicious Packages

Conductor: If you see something, say something. If you see any unattended or suspicious packages, don't hesitate to tell someone. Just don't tell me, though.

--A train

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

Barista: And on the counter we have... A brown paper bag with something in it! Someone ordered it. Or left it here. Possibly bin Laden.

--Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that any packages or large bags are subject to search. This is the happy state of the world in which we live. And on that note, the time is 8:15 a.m.

--Uptown A train

Hobo: I will tell you the rules of being a goddamn New Yorker: one -- when you see a suspicious package, do not fucking tell anyone. If it has money in it, well, then you can take the money, but it probably doesn't, so don't say anything! Also, when you are in the city, do not refer to Sixth Avenue as 'Avenue of the Americas' unless you wish to sound like a complete moron!

--Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Zoe

Conductor: This is the last stop, Newark Penn Station. No passengers. Please take all your suspicious packages.

--WTC-Newark PATH Train


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Wednesday One-Liners for the Sociopaths

Teen boy: I was laughing 'cause this girl had no legs...

--175th & Ft. Washington

Latina on cell: Who died? Anna? How!? Hahaha! Finally.

--Jefferson & Wyckoff, Ridgewood

Dude: And she's mad at me, 'cause I, like, kept telling her she sucked last week.

--Hunter College High School

Overheard by: i would be too

Blonde lady: I mean, it was only fun to tease the homeless woman for so long.

--1 train

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

Suit on Blackberry: I don't give a fuck about other countries. To be honest, I only really give a fuck about myself. Starving black kids, welfare moms... Fuckin' A! What gives?

--12th & 4th

Overheard by: Galen

Chick: I really wish he'd lost his whole finger -- that's what he deserves.

--Whole Foods salad bar, Time Warner Center


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Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners

Pilot: We're on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

--Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

--LaGuardia

United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed

Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.

--Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Debbie Kate

Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I'm sure they would really appreciate it, too.

--United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago

Overheard by: Ellen

Airline representative: Paging La... La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging... Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: Delayed

Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA... Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you've been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can't be jumpin' up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he'll fly us so I'm going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn't know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao


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Some Shitty Wednesday One-Liners

Loudspeaker: Sir, do not take a dump on the platform, sir. Sir, do not take a dump on the platform!

--Times Square 42nd St. station

Overheard by: JohnnyD

Teen to friends: Man, for about two weeks this girl had me convinced that girls don't poop. Somehow it came up in conversation and she was just like, 'What are you talking about? Girls don't poop.' Idiot. I was like, 'Ohhh my god.'

--A train

Overheard by: Moheed

Crazy man to old lady: You down with OPP? You down with OPP? You down with OPP? Because I just pooped.

--Shuttle to Times Square

Guy in stall, on cell: What am I doing? I'm dropping the kids off at the pool... What do you mean, what do I mean?... I'm taking a shit!... Hold on, I'll hold the phone by my ass so you can hear the turd splash.

--Men's room, Ruby Tuesday

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: Why does he always do that? He just stopped in the middle of the street, looked me straight in the eyes, and took a giant, steamy dump.

--5th St & Ave A

Lady on cell: Well, it's not like you can catch anything from yourself. It's other people's feces you have to worry about.

--55th & 8th

Overheard by: Murph


Posted 2007-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or Maybe an American Idol Death Match

Woman #1, looking at Bodog Fight poster: Man, that fight can't be real, those guys are way too old. That fight is going to suck.
Woman #2: I heard that.
Woman #1: Don't they have fights between little celebrities?
Woman #2: Uh...
Woman #1: I think I saw Webster, you know, Emmanuel Lewis, fighting that little motherfucker from Diff'rent Strokes. What's his real name?
Woman #2: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Woman #1: Well, that's the fight I want to see.

--B train


Posted 2007-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Am Currently Traversing the Intermarriage Zone

Man: You look like someone I knew in college.
Hot lady suit: Oh, yeah?
Man: Where did you go to school?
Hot lady suit: BMCC.
Man: I went to Queens.
Hot lady suit: I did, too, for a while.
Man: Oh, my name is Eric. So, are you single?
Hot lady suit: Sometimes.
Man: Oooh.

--V train

Overheard by: Black White Woman


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...My Parents, Teachers, Mailmen, That Guy at the Bodega...

Middle-school boy: Yeah, you're a pathological liar.
Middle-school girl: What do you mean? When have I lied to you? I never lie. I only lie to my therapist.

--1 train

Overheard by: cate


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That, and I Never Learned to Wipe Front-to-Back

Homie #1: Daaamn, ladies.
Homie #2: How about a little one-on-one, or four-on-three?
Cute girl #1: Eat shit!
Cute girl #2: You're the reason I rub feces all over my vagina!

--Clinton & Stanton


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Nah, Just Kidding.

Princess: So are you, like, bored?
Man: No. I'm homeless.
Princess: Oh!

--Port Authority


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I'll Be Running Late the Rest of My Life

Suit #1: So, how long did your five-minute meeting last?
Suit #2: A fucking hour.

--John St, between Cliff & Pearl


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Socks Go on First

Trendy big black woman #1: Girl, did you see that woman?
Trendy big black woman #2: Hell yeah.
Trendy big black woman #1: Looks like she got dressed without instructions!

--McDonald's, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Joey Madison


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And the Appropriate Shampoo to Use for Crabs

Guy: Did you try rebooting?
Chick: Of course.
Guy: Because that's the first thing you should try doing when you--
Chick: --Look, half the guys I've dated have been in tech support. I've picked up a hell of a lot more than just VD. I know about rebooting.

--NYU

Overheard by: ctrl alt delete


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Black Magic Is My Anti-Drug

Guy: What did you do all day?
Girl: Just drinking chicken blood and performing other secret rituals.
Guy: Nice. [They make out on street corner.]

--Houston & Ave C


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Gaining Weight? Find Fatter People to Hang Around

Geek: I feel like a douche.
Chick: Seriously, if you ever feel like a dork go to any Blockbuster, look at the employees, and you'll see how cool you are.

--31st & 21st

Overheard by: deltachub


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Losing a Dimension Is a Great Way to Shed Some Pounds

Guy with Afro: Well, I'm more of a three-dimensional person.
Hipster girl: Yeah, I know, but you should go and enjoy it!

--Clark St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Adam Distler


Posted 2007-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Will We See Live Hipsters in Their Natural Habitat?

Minnesota girl: Like, when I come to New York I want to do something, like, crazy and fun!
Guy: Well, listen, you ran into the right guy, because I am, like...
Girl and guy in unison: Mr. Crazy Fun!
Guy: Exactly. Like, tonight I'm thinking about starting off at this place called a hookah bar. Have you ever heard of one?
Girl: No! What is it?
Guy: Well, it's this place where you smoke tobacco in Jordanian water pipes!
Girl: Wow.

--Koronets Pizza, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wyatt


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Which Reminds Me -- We Need to Shop for Staples

Yuppie: You know, that's a very expensive beer you're not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can't we have one night where you don't quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don't worry, I'm not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don't nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.

--Iggy's on Rivington


Posted 2007-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yeah, Well, Santa's Just Me in a Costume, Brainiac

Father: Look at this -- the bottle is sweating!
Six-year-old girl: It's condensation, Dad.

--Shea Stadium

Overheard by: GL


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You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself

Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.

--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Victor


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Like Gilmore Girls Going off the Air

50-ish woman: My mom had a stroke.
Friend: Honestly, worse things can happen.

--Café Henri, West Village


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Of Which There Is None at This Alleged "Bar"

Technician: It will cost a hundred and fifty dollars to have our technicians look at it.
Girl with computer problem: A hundred and fifty dollars?! No way. I'd rather spend that on alcohol.

--Apple Store Genius Bar

Overheard by: becca


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Wait, Are You Describing the Movie or the Party?

Dude: I saw that movie at that sex party -- the one where Jim got a blowjob by a chick that was not his girlfriend.
Chick: Oh my god, that sounds awesome -- I love it already!
Dude: I know, it's awesome!

--LaGuardia & W 3rd


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Anal Sex: What Can't It Fix?

Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.

Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that's what she needs!
Black guy: That's what all them bitches need.

--1407 Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry


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Plus Tax

Hobo #1: Bitches is crazy, crazy. Had no choice but to fuck that squirrel.
Hobo #2: Nooo, nooo.
Hobo #1: Yup, yup. That squirrel was worth five cents.
Hobo #2: Nooo, I'll tell you how much that squirrel was worth. $15.98.

--St. Johns Pl, Park Slope


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Ow -- Jesus! I Point with That Finger

Lady: It's freezing out. Is the weather cold like this in Korea? [Manicurist is silent.] Hello? Is it this cold in Korea? ... Does she speak English?
Manicurist: I'm Chinese.
Lady: Oh, well, I eat a lot of Chinese vegetables.

--Nail salon, Queens

Overheard by: Risa


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I Think "Hemingway Stole All His Ideas From Me" Is Explanation Enough

Professor: Care to elaborate on that?
Student who answered question: I'd rather not.

--NYU Law School

Overheard by: Vitto



Headline by: Alli

Runners-Up:
· "But I would like to know the specifics of why you think I should go fuck myself." - Bassmanbish
· "I Don't Think I Could. I Elaborated In The Shower This Morning." - Redneck Jedi
· "Let me rephrase, what the fuck do you mean?" - chris sowell
· "Objection! Asked and answered." - Law School Dropout
· "See 'Billing By the Hour' to Learn Why That's the Wrong Answer" - PhoenixRising
· "The first rule of law school is: We do not talk about law school." - Steve-o


Click here to see the new Headline Contest


Posted 2007-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Court Ruled It a Case of Justifiable Momicide

Lady: You know that guy you stayed with last summer?
Daughter: Who?
Lady: He called last night. That rug salesman from Turkey.
Daughter: I never stayed with a Turkish rug salesman, Mom.
Lady: He's coming over at 10 tonight.

--5th Ave

Overheard by: I don't do his sales.


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However, He Should Have Grabbed His Crotch for Emphasis

Hobo: I want to cum on your face.
Young woman: Uhhh... Well, at least he's being up-front -- putting all the cards on the table. I guess I respect that.

--27th & 10th

Overheard by: Julia C


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Tempting, but I'm Not Gonna Risk It

Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.

--Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th

Overheard by: Becki


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At My Wedding

Dude #1: So I was, like, having intercourse with my girlfriend's mom, and my girlfriend came home and caught us.
Dude #2: That happened to me before.

--D train

Overheard by: Ed


Posted 2007-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

When the Octopus Mates

Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sitting there on opposite ends of the couch and our feet were all intertwined, and I paused and just was like, 'Look at us! It's like we've known each other for ages!' ... Well, I'm thinking of asking him to get his DNA checked to see if we're compatible. 'Cause, you know, I want someone compatible. I wonder what his genealogical lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It's just great that he's willing to do it. It's good that he knows I'll be in control of everything.

--Plane leaving LaGuardia

Overheard by: Cassandra


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Yeah, because He's Totally Dominican

Asian chick #1: Yeah, my dad is mad tan, so at the beach everyone thinks he's Mexican.
Asian chick #2: Oh, that sucks.

--Queens


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Words to Live By

Thug #1: I don't know what happened -- I bought her a shot!
Thug #2: Yo, you can't be buyin' shots for fat chicks -- they be drinkin' 'em anyway.

--W 4th, outside Down the Hatch

Overheard by: NCS


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Talking about Labor Law Is Right Up There with Diaper Play

Hot Asian chick: Oh, I feel so sexually frustrated right now!
Dude: Oh my god, I can totally help you out with that! You could even call me Mark!
Hot Asian chick: And could we talk about labor law afterwards?
Dude: Anything!
Hot Asian chick: Don't embarrass yourself, Chad.

--113th & Broadway

Overheard by: she can call me anything too


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But Apparently That Isn't a Valid Legal Defense

Ghetto goth girl putting black eyeliner on lips: Do you know what he said?
Friend in stall: What?
Ghetto goth girl: He said I was aggressive. I can't help if I'm aggressive 'cause I'm half-vampire, half-werewolf.

--Pyramid club, Ave A, between 6th & 7th St

Overheard by: not a goth


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Since When Are Slaves "Hired"?

Student: Didn't the ancient Romans also eat lying down?
Professor: Yes.
Student: That's really bad for your digestion.
Professor: Well, it was good for having sex with the hired help after.

--Bard High School Early College


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Rats: Granola? Get That Shit Outta Here!

Mom unwrapping granola bar for child: Now, eat this over my purse. I don't want you getting crumbs everywhere.
Four-year-old: Why?
Mom: Rats like crumbs, and we do not want to contribute to the rat problem.
Four-year-old: Rats? I want to see the rats!
Mom: No! We won't be a part of the problem.
Four-year-old: Where are the rats?!

--1 train

Overheard by: turtle


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You Can Charge Six Bucks Eastbound

Creepster: We'll stick some rutabagas up there and, when we're done, you'll be wider than the Lincoln Tunnel.
Chick: Yeah... Wait, what?
Creepster: I don't know.

--140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ein Ladle


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We Only Have the Ones That Make Them Ask Stupid Questions

Man: Hey, do you have any whistles? You know -- the kind that shut people up when you blow them?
Clerk: No.
Man: Fuck!

--47th & Broadway


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Mom Has a Parallel Argument for Virginity

Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don't stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.

--David Z, 5th Ave

Overheard by: nicole h.


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I'm Supposed to Put This in My College Fund

Young boy #1: Today is the day your mother birthed you and you only got five dollars?
Young boy #2: We got troubles.

--Prospect Heights


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This Always Happens When You Listen to Maya Angelou

Older man hugging younger man: Wassup, my nigga?
Younger man: Dad, cut it out. We're white.

--Leonard & Lafayette St

Overheard by: Big Larry


Posted 2007-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Every Sunrise? Temporary!

Dude #1: Sure, it's all summery now, but you know in six months it's all gonna be snowin' again and shit.
Dude #2: Fuck that.

--PATH train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster


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And If Wishes Were Bitches...

Boyfriend: I wish I had a dog.
Girlfriend: I wish I were a dog.

--Union Square

Overheard by: arctinus


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They Were a Losing Hand, So I Discarded Them

Woman on stoop: Ugh, I hate kids.
Mom of playing children: You have four of them!
Woman on stoop: Oh, I got rid of those.

--Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: melissa


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Even If I Do Have a Master's in Regurgitation

Man: Dude, your marketing department -- they're like a bunch of baby birds!
Woman: I know! And I'm sick of throwing up in their mouths.

--57th & 5th


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And My Ass Is Smoking

Chick #1: Hey, how are you? I haven't seen you in a long time! How's life?
Chick #2: It's great. My hip bones are sparking.

--NYU Silver Center


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At the Gape Pride Parade

Hispanic guy: I can't believe it.
Southeast Asian guy: What?
Tan guy: Yeah, what?
Hispanic guy: How dilated my ass is!
Southeast Asian guy: I believe it -- I was there.

--23rd & 9th

Overheard by: nate honeycut


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Maybe You Should Stop Feeding It Beans

Sales clerk #1: I feel like I'm vibrating.
Sales clerk #2: Maybe it's your aura.

--Changing room, store, Soho

Overheard by: Gina


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Post Office: Oh, That's Not Good!

UPS guy driving by: Hi, FedEx!
FedEx guy, smiling and waving: Hi!

--Astor Pl & Broadway

Overheard by: Katie


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Smart Stays with You, Sweetie

Mother: You're so pretty.
Four-year-old daughter, stomping: Don't call me pretty! I need to be smart and pretty!
Mother: Okay, you're smart.
Four-year-old daughter, crying: Nooo! Mom! Don't just say 'smart.' Say 'smart and pretty.' It needs to be both! I can't just be smart! Smart and pretty, together!

--Park Ave South

Overheard by: Lauren Joyce


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So, How Long You Out For?

Drag queen: Hey, were you in prison?
Angry man: Yeah, I was.
Drag queen: That's where I know you from!
Angry man: Oh, yeah, hey! How are you?
Drag queen: I'm good. It's so good to see you!

--E train, 42nd St


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No Worries -- Granny's a Professional

Girl #1: My grandma is coming into the city Saturday to bleach my cat.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Yeah, he got into the flowers and the pollen turned him canary yellow.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Well, it didn't come off in the bath...

--82nd & Madison


Posted 2007-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, Screw Him and His Oscillating Misnomers

Eye candy: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now was it?
Eye candy: No, he said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Eye candy: Same thing.

--Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: SandmanEsq


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We Could Always Put on Miniskirts, Go to Times Square, and Test My Theory

European girl: My mother is from Norway and my father is from Ireland.
Chinese girl: I'm purebred. If humans sold like puppies, I'd sell for way more than you.

--Chelsea

Overheard by: Shelly Rutherford


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If Superheroes Had Useful Powers

Ladies' man: I can't understand it. First it was Armenians, now it's redheads. It's this incredible power I can't control.
Friend: I know, dude. You're a lucky pimp.

--NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Abram


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Got Any Sack-Hygiene Tips?

Frat boy #1: So, this chick loves to suck my balls.
Frat boy #2: Dude, you told us that, like, seven times.
Frat boy #3: Yeah, I'm beginning to think you're lying.
Frat boy #1: But now I gotta really lather up down there.

--Pool bar

Overheard by: Scotched


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Take Your Noble Eightfold Path Back to Jersey

Buddhist: Excuse me, sir, are you a New Yorker?
Obvious New Yorker: Go fuck yourself!

--Union Square

Overheard by: playtoe


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Chosen by the Lord, but Not by Me

Rich girl #1: It's really hard to find guys at this school.
Rich girl #2: Oh, yeah? Why?
Rich girl #1: Because half the guys here are gay, and if they're not gay, they're Jewish.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: student


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Need to Go Bathe in Urine Now

Bus driver on intercom as it starts to rain: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey... C'mon, everybody!
Entire bus, singing: You'll never know, dear, how much I love you -- please don't take my sunshine away.
Chick: I think that was the least-New York moment of my entire life.

--M79 bus


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, Duh

Mom to screaming child: Shut the fuck up!
Man: Yeah, keep telling your kid 'Shut the fuck up' so he can grow up and steal my car someday.

--6 train

Overheard by: ChickyWang


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Get Her a "Be Like Me" T-shirt with Your Picture

NYU student: So, I think I'm just going to tell my girlfriend, 'You know, I've been going to the gym a lot, working out, watching what I eat, and I think you should, too.'
Friend, as all receptionists stare: Yeah, no -- you really can't say that.

--Palladium Gym, NYU


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Time You Accepted That He's Gone

Hipster girl: Let's just go to the arcade with them.
JAP: I'd rather make out with Hitler.

--85th & Park


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Can One Ever Have Enough Over-the-Calf Heroin?

Dude #1: We should have stayed in Midtown.
Dude #2: Why? All you can do there is buy socks and drugs.

--Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Alisa!


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If That Doesn't Work, There's Always Rum

Ghetto mama #1: Yeah, I get him ready for bed, and then he starts cryin' and shit.
Ghetto mama #2: Girl, you give that baby some NyQuil before you put him to bed and he will be good to go.

--Williamsburg, Brooklyn


Posted 2007-06-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Boys Are Quick to Master No-Dish Meals

Kid #1: ... So then I took a waffle and I filled it with eggs and grits and syrup, and I folded the whole thing up and ate it like a taco...
Kid #2: What? You're going to catch diabetes that way!
Kid #3: What are grits, anyway? What do grits taste like?
Kid #1: Syrup. They taste like syrup.

--Canarsie-bound L train


Posted 2007-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ah, the Terrible Twos

Lady professor #1: She's growing up so fast... Before you know it she'll be smoking cigarettes and having affairs.
Lady professor #2: Which isn't that bad...
Lady professor #1: Well, I guess you're right.

--Hunter College


Posted 2007-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Have the Highest-Grossing Chain of Kissing Booths on the East Coast

Hoochie #1: I am such a make-out slut!
Hoochie #2: I used to be a make-out slut, too, but then I went p