And a Large Trash Bag, If You Have Any

Crazy Italian man to cashier: Fucking asshole! Where's my fucking money, fucking asshole?! You owe me money! She's German!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Italian man: The German whore owes me $10,000! You'll be finding her body in the basement! That whore better watch out! I'm Italian and I know mafiosi from here to Beverly Hills! …I'll have a coffee to go…

–Europan Cafe, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: ryan and erin

Infernal Wednesday One-Liners

Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell.

–42nd & 8th

Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.

–Brooklyn-bound C train

Overheard by: P. Mills

Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary.

–Metro-North train, Grand Central

Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rob

Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar!

–Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre

Overheard by: SLC kid

Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay!

–Hunter College High

In Order: Decaf, Unicorns, and the Tides

Lady: When I was a kid, I would always invent things on the train. I’d tell my mom about them and then a month later they’d get invented.
Chick: Wow, really?
Lady: Yeah. It happened like three times that I talked to my mom about something on the train and then it got invented. –2 train

What Cougars Eat: Explained

Two late #30s early #40s women:
Woman #1: You should really get another cell phone to give out to men you meet at the bar, that way you can keep them all in one place and can name them "guy with the blue shirt" "good dancer"…

Woman #2: Yeah, I use my cell phone for work calls too so I always have to answer random numbers.
Woman #1: Then this way, you can just weed out the normal ones and anyone you are still talking to after a couple months you can just tell them you got a new cell phone number. You really need to check out tmobile. Conversation drags on, ten minutes later…
Woman #2: I don't know, young guys these days just want to make out.
Woman #1: How young are you talking?… I dated a 25 year old when I was 33.
Woman #2: How did that work out?
Woman #1: Well, I'm not married to him… Ha! No really, I dated a lot of young guys, all personal trainers.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah, their so hot.

–Bryant Park