Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
July 2007 Archives
Low Expectations Being the Key to Happiness
20-something girl #1: Oooh, I think I see the bus!
20-something girl #2: Yes!
20-something girl #1: Don't get too excited. I'm not sure I see it yet.
20-something girl #2: I won't. I mean, it's just a bus. It's not like it's Santa.
--6th & 8th, Park Slope
See?
Ghetto girl #1: Do you think I could be a saint?
Ghetto girl #2: No.
Ghetto girl #1: Shut up.
--Brooklyn Public Library
You Smell Nice
Man #1: Do you think in a past life you were a lemon?
Man #2: Why do you ask?
Man #1: I was just wondering...
--Starbucks
Are You Sleeping with Anybody Who Looks Like Her Husband?
Chick #1: She yelled at me again!
Chick #2: What did you do?
Chick #1: Nothing. I swear, that woman has a vendetta against me. I must look like somebody her husband is sleeping with.
--Brooklyn Brewery
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Appearance Is All That Really Matters
Blonde: So, I told him for months that this was my weekend.
Brunette: Our weekend.
Blonde: Right, my weekend. So his parents are coming to help him move into his new apartment, and is it bad if I don't help and I go to the Hamptons instead?
Brunette: No. Did he say anything to make you think that?
Blonde: No, I thought of it on my own.
Brunette: You look super tan.
Blonde: Thanks!
--Equinox gym
Tough Talk from a Guy in a Dungeons and Dragons Tee
Old man: Let the people off the train first! Let the people off first! You know the rules!
Young man: Sir, this is New York. There are no rules. You're living in a fantasy world.
--1 train, 110th St
Overheard by: Josh H
... When It Comes to Peristalsis
Man sunbather: He's like 6'6", very attractive...
Woman sunbather: So does he, like, spontaneously vomit...?
Man sunbather: Let's just say he's not the smoothest...
--Turtle Pond, Central Park
Overheard by: Not jumping to date this attractive man.
Yeah, but She's Got a Kid. Baggage!
Preacher: Blessed be the Virgin Mary.
Guy: Oooh. A virgin!
--125th St station
Overheard by: dibs
Scene from The Devil Wears Prada, Director's Cut
20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don't you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I'm sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That's an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one...
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.
--Elevator, 62nd & 2nd
Oprah Is My Mommy?
Child: I'm king of the world!
Dad: Okay, now come on.
Child: Dad, what's king of the world?
Dad: It means you're the boss of everyone.
Child: Oh.
Dad: Your mommy -- she's king of the world.
--DeGraw & Court, Brooklyn
Another Caffeine-Drunken Brooklyn Naiad
Hot chick: Pardon me -- can I get a top off?
Barista: Excuse me?!
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Disappointed
Enjoy the Rest of Your Stay in Imaginary New York
Tourist: We're going to the opera tonight!
Waitress: Wonderful! Which opera are you going to see?
Tourist: Phantom!
Waitress, after stunned silence: ... You're gonna love it!
--Del Frisco's, 6th Ave
No More Caffeine for You
Teen girl #1: I'm tired.
Teen girl #2: Don't worry, we'll stimulate you... [starts to flail limbs everywhere] ... with a dance! Woo!
--Dunkin' Donuts
It's Like Art Just Imitates Things
Woman #1: Look, they have cobras here! Are they real?
Woman #2: [Looks on silently.]
Woman #1: Oh, they're bronze.
--The Met
Technically, Walter Is Your Uncle
Five-year-old girl #1 on seesaw: Did you know that I have a boyfriend?
Five-year-old girl #2 on seesaw: No.
Five-year-old girl #1 on seesaw: Yes, I do. I have a boyfriend. He even kissed me on the lips, so he's my boyfriend.
--Playground, Bleecker St
Especially Since They Had to Keep Pausing to Fight the Dinosaurs
Bimbette #1: ... And the pyramids! It's like, you know, a total miracle! They're huge! How did they build them without modern day cranes and stuff?
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I know, it's... mystical! And the same thing with Eiffel Tower. I went to Paris last year, and that thing is just so high! Really, how did they manage to build something like that without equipment?!
--Museum of Natural History
We Don't Have to Make a Fuss about Our Origins
Black 12-year-old boy: Are you Japanese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: Ummm, no...
Black 12-year-old boy: Oh... Chinatownese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: What?
Black 12-year-old boy: Taiwa-- I mean, Taiwanese? Thailandonian?
Asian 20-year-old guy: No. I'm American.
--72nd St station
Overheard by: Dave Carpenter
Serial Recriminations Are Better?
Yuppie #1: All you need to do is have sex with one girl at the start of the party, and then all the girls at the party will want to fuck you. It's like invincibility!
Yuppie #2: That's not invincibility! That's much better.
--Outside Lorimer L train
Overheard by: Kevin
Oh, No, Honey. Those Are Just Gangstas
Mother: Be careful, sweetie, because there are criminals everywhere in New York!
Little girl: Look! There's a taxi full of criminals!
--Outside Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Annie Dechant
You're Not the Only Store in Town
Chick: Please, please, please get these for me.
Guy: [Laughs, shakes his head.]
Chick: I promise I'll give it to you 10 times today.
Guy: I don't need you to. I get it every day.
Chick: No, you don't! You haven't gotten it in a month!
--Sneaker store, 82nd & Roosevelt
Overheard by: Liza
Just for That, No Hamdogs for You
Yankee fan #1: What do you like better -- hot dogs or hamburgers?
Yankee fan #2: I like 'em both, man.
Yankee fan #1: You can't like 'em both! Hot dogs and hamburgers are mortal enemies, asshole. Everyone knows that!
--Yankee Stadium
The long version of "I was drunk"
Spunky gay boy: It's not like I go into the bathroom to nap... But when you're pooping it's just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I'm like Pavlov's dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That's no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.
--C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St
Headline by: Gold StaR
Runners-Up:
· "But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video." - Veronica
· "I'm Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home...I Thought Your People Were Like Cats." - ImmaculatePizza
· "Pavlov's Log" - Brian G
· "Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop" - Chris
· "The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT's an Excuse." - Duncan Pflaster
· "Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?" - Lezbotron
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Limited-Edition Nixon Stamp Comes Out Today
Ghetto chick #1 in crowd: Where you going?
Ghetto chick #2: To get me some dick.
--Utopia Pkwy & Horace Harding Expwy
Overheard by: Audra
It's a Good Thing You Have a Trust Fund
Girlfriend: Why are you banging your head on the pole?
Boyfriend: I'm making my head stronger.
Girlfriend: You don't make it stronger that way, you just hurt yourself.
Boyfriend: It does both.
--Crowded E train
Overheard by: Laurie
Tell Us Something about Dick Cheney We Don't Know
Friend reading magazine: Look! That guy has a double chin!
Queer: Yeah, that's because he's a fucking asshole that eats souls.
--1 train
And, If You Do, Play Dead
Young girl: Are you okay? Are you okay?
Younger girl: [Nods.]
Young girl: Do you wanna have fun? Do you wanna have fun?
Younger girl: Yeah.
Young girl: I have a hint for you: don't fall down.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lauren Wurf
He's the Best Improvisational Lear in the Park
Crazy hobo pointing and screaming at a baby on dad's shoulder: Fucking bitch! You fucking bitch! Get the fuck out of here, you fucking bitch! You fucking slob!
Father to daughter, laughing: Come on, honey, let's go!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
I Love the Condom Hem
Drunk woman: Oh, look at this girl. I love her dress!
Guy: That dress is birth control.
--Prince & Greene
Overheard by: Andrew
They Don't Pay Me Enough to Care Who Explodes
MTA announcer: ... And if you see any suspicious packages, please report them to the nearest MTA employee.
MTA guy cleaning platform: No, don't tell me nothin'. I don't wanna know nothin'.
--7 train platform, Woodside
Overheard by: Hipster#3
Hang On, Eggs Come from Animals?
Girl #1: Is egg dairy? Is that what they're discussing?
Girl #2: Are they saying egg is meat?
Girl #1: I think it's in the meat category.
Girl #2: Nooo.
Girl #1: I'm looking for a pyramid... Eggs are in the meat category, and it comes from an animal.
Girl #2: So does milk, though.
Girl #1: An egg can turn into a meat. Milk cannot.
Girl #2: Okay, I'm not discussing this anymore.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: esther
I'm a Better Deal Alive Than Dead, Sweetie
Little girl: Daddy, when you die do we get all of your money?
Father: Well, that won't happen for a very long time.
Little girl: Daddy, how much money do you make?
--A train
Overheard by: A Chan
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
Fortunately, No American Ever Has to Grow Up
Homie #1: Transformers looks mad scary.
Homie #2: That's why it's for adults like us.
Homie #1: Word. So is Harry Potter.
--G train
Could You Make a Donation Toward My Cable Bill?
Suit to hobo holding sign reading 'End apartheid in South Africa now!': They already ended apartheid in South Africa. They also freed Nelson Mandela.
Hobo: Shit, nigga, I gots to get me some CNN or some shit.
--Midtown
Overheard by: History Buff
Or Just Get One of Those Meat T-Shirts
Shopgirl #1: T-shirt! Deep-fry your t-shirt, and then he'll be all, 'Mmm!' and eat it off you!
Shopgirl #2: Yeah.
--Borders
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
You Are a Worthy Adversary, My Son!
Mom: So, you're gay, right?
Son: No, Mom, I'm not gay.
Mom: Yes, you are. I've seen your clothes.
Son: All the guys wear these.
Mom: All the gay ones, maybe.
Son: Go away.
Mom: If you were straight, you wouldn't have cried so much after you were pushed out of my vagina.
Son: Actually, I think that proves my straightness. No straight guy could look at your cunt and not cry.
--6 train
No? Come Back When You Got Patting Money, Kid
Little boy: Hey, can I pet your dog?
Man with puppy: You got a dollar?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emily
How to Raise Kids Who Aren't in Touch with Their Feelings
Child whining in stroller: I'm hungry!
Mother: No, you're not.
--Liberty & Broadway
You Know Those People Who Do All Their Thinking Out Loud?
Drunk guy #1: You know Fabrizio is banging Heather, right?
Drunk guy #2: No, really?
Drunk guy #1: Yeah, he's bangin' the shit out of her -- throwing her around the room and shit.
Drunk guy #2: Hehehe.
Drunk guy #1: He had her at her parents' house and went for six hours non-stop.
Drunk guy #2: Wow.
Drunk guy #1: Of course, he's 23 years old. For me to go six hours non-stop I need a little blue help. You know, some blue help -- especially with all the stuff I do [holds hand up to nose simulating doing a bump], y'know what I mean? [Suddenly turns to lady with Lord & Taylor bag] Lord and Taylor -- that place is the best. It's just like Neiman Marcus, but for a hundred bucks more you get a cappuccino and a shoe shine. It's worth it, right?
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Leticia
At the Very Least, We Can Play Beer Pong on It
15-year-old kid at stoop sale: Yo, I should totally buy this.
Friend #1: It's a door. What are you going to do with a door?
15-year-old kid: Yeah, but it's only 20 dollars.
Friend #2: You should definitely buy it.
--Carroll St, between 6th & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: mervis
Nothing Like Faint Praise from the Unworthy
Outgoing misogynist: See, my friend gives you a nine, but that's because he loves Puerto Rican women. I give you a seven-and-a-half. [Lady nods without looking up from her magazine.] So, what do you think?
Head-in-hands misogynist: I think you just embarrassed me.
Outgoing misogynist: I think you overshot with that nine, that's what I think.
--4 train
Overheard by: Alex
Trying to Make People Repent before Their Coffee Is Just Bad Business
Subway preacher: There is only one way to heaven, and it is by the son of god. You must repent or you will be damned...
Guy just getting on train, seeing preacher: Oh, fuck no. I don't need this in my life today! [Walks off train.]
Subway preacher: You must repent if you will be saved...
--1 train
Overheard by: Nathan
But Ignorance of the Law Is a Good Defense, Right?
Teacher: So, to conclude my lecture, I just want to tell you all again that this is illegal.
Student: What's illegal?
Teacher: Have you been listening?
Student: No.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Stuck in Class
But Surprisingly Few Issues with Flagella
Teen girl #1: Wow, you really have bad luck with tentacles, don't you?
Teen girl #2, sadly: Yeah...
--Anime Room, Forbidden Planet
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Um... Alternate Side of the Street Parking?
Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don't you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: 'Suck my dick,' she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Leela
By Extrapolation from Existing Data
Black postman #1: Kiss my black ass!
Black postman #2: How do you know that it's black?
--Forest Hills post office
Hey, Check Out My Scaly Solar Keratoses
Dude #1: Yeah, he tans all the time by the track. He uses, like, a quarter of a bottle of tanning oil.
Dude #2: Well, there's a lot of skin cancer.
Chick: I think skin cancer is overrated. Not to be disrespectful, but is it even legitimate?
--Jamaica-bound Q30 bus
Overheard by: Liza
Just a Slight Parboiling
Woman #1: Yeah, we went to the hot springs there. They were so nice.
Woman #2: They had those in Hostel 2 and the girl died.
Woman #1: Oh... Well, that didn't happen to us.
--Union Square
Oh, Yes -- It's How I Lost Mine in the '80s
Thug: [Hacking cough.]
Old woman: You choking again? You keep it up and I'm gonna have to do the hymen maneuver on you!
Thug: Awww, hell no!
--Bx4 bus
Overheard by: some chick