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July 2007 Archives
Low Expectations Being the Key to Happiness
20-something girl #1: Oooh, I think I see the bus!
20-something girl #2: Yes!
20-something girl #1: Don't get too excited. I'm not sure I see it yet.
20-something girl #2: I won't. I mean, it's just a bus. It's not like it's Santa.
--6th & 8th, Park Slope
See?
Ghetto girl #1: Do you think I could be a saint?
Ghetto girl #2: No.
Ghetto girl #1: Shut up.
--Brooklyn Public Library
You Smell Nice
Man #1: Do you think in a past life you were a lemon?
Man #2: Why do you ask?
Man #1: I was just wondering...
--Starbucks
Are You Sleeping with Anybody Who Looks Like Her Husband?
Chick #1: She yelled at me again!
Chick #2: What did you do?
Chick #1: Nothing. I swear, that woman has a vendetta against me. I must look like somebody her husband is sleeping with.
--Brooklyn Brewery
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Appearance Is All That Really Matters
Blonde: So, I told him for months that this was my weekend.
Brunette: Our weekend.
Blonde: Right, my weekend. So his parents are coming to help him move into his new apartment, and is it bad if I don't help and I go to the Hamptons instead?
Brunette: No. Did he say anything to make you think that?
Blonde: No, I thought of it on my own.
Brunette: You look super tan.
Blonde: Thanks!
--Equinox gym
Tough Talk from a Guy in a Dungeons and Dragons Tee
Old man: Let the people off the train first! Let the people off first! You know the rules!
Young man: Sir, this is New York. There are no rules. You're living in a fantasy world.
--1 train, 110th St
Overheard by: Josh H
... When It Comes to Peristalsis
Man sunbather: He's like 6'6", very attractive...
Woman sunbather: So does he, like, spontaneously vomit...?
Man sunbather: Let's just say he's not the smoothest...
--Turtle Pond, Central Park
Overheard by: Not jumping to date this attractive man.
Yeah, but She's Got a Kid. Baggage!
Preacher: Blessed be the Virgin Mary.
Guy: Oooh. A virgin!
--125th St station
Overheard by: dibs
Scene from The Devil Wears Prada, Director's Cut
20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don't you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I'm sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That's an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one...
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.
--Elevator, 62nd & 2nd
Oprah Is My Mommy?
Child: I'm king of the world!
Dad: Okay, now come on.
Child: Dad, what's king of the world?
Dad: It means you're the boss of everyone.
Child: Oh.
Dad: Your mommy -- she's king of the world.
--DeGraw & Court, Brooklyn
Another Caffeine-Drunken Brooklyn Naiad
Hot chick: Pardon me -- can I get a top off?
Barista: Excuse me?!
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Disappointed
Enjoy the Rest of Your Stay in Imaginary New York
Tourist: We're going to the opera tonight!
Waitress: Wonderful! Which opera are you going to see?
Tourist: Phantom!
Waitress, after stunned silence: ... You're gonna love it!
--Del Frisco's, 6th Ave
No More Caffeine for You
Teen girl #1: I'm tired.
Teen girl #2: Don't worry, we'll stimulate you... [starts to flail limbs everywhere] ... with a dance! Woo!
--Dunkin' Donuts
It's Like Art Just Imitates Things
Woman #1: Look, they have cobras here! Are they real?
Woman #2: [Looks on silently.]
Woman #1: Oh, they're bronze.
--The Met
Technically, Walter Is Your Uncle
Five-year-old girl #1 on seesaw: Did you know that I have a boyfriend?
Five-year-old girl #2 on seesaw: No.
Five-year-old girl #1 on seesaw: Yes, I do. I have a boyfriend. He even kissed me on the lips, so he's my boyfriend.
--Playground, Bleecker St
Especially Since They Had to Keep Pausing to Fight the Dinosaurs
Bimbette #1: ... And the pyramids! It's like, you know, a total miracle! They're huge! How did they build them without modern day cranes and stuff?
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I know, it's... mystical! And the same thing with Eiffel Tower. I went to Paris last year, and that thing is just so high! Really, how did they manage to build something like that without equipment?!
--Museum of Natural History
We Don't Have to Make a Fuss about Our Origins
Black 12-year-old boy: Are you Japanese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: Ummm, no...
Black 12-year-old boy: Oh... Chinatownese?
Asian 20-year-old guy: What?
Black 12-year-old boy: Taiwa-- I mean, Taiwanese? Thailandonian?
Asian 20-year-old guy: No. I'm American.
--72nd St station
Overheard by: Dave Carpenter
Serial Recriminations Are Better?
Yuppie #1: All you need to do is have sex with one girl at the start of the party, and then all the girls at the party will want to fuck you. It's like invincibility!
Yuppie #2: That's not invincibility! That's much better.
--Outside Lorimer L train
Overheard by: Kevin
Oh, No, Honey. Those Are Just Gangstas
Mother: Be careful, sweetie, because there are criminals everywhere in New York!
Little girl: Look! There's a taxi full of criminals!
--Outside Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Annie Dechant
You're Not the Only Store in Town
Chick: Please, please, please get these for me.
Guy: [Laughs, shakes his head.]
Chick: I promise I'll give it to you 10 times today.
Guy: I don't need you to. I get it every day.
Chick: No, you don't! You haven't gotten it in a month!
--Sneaker store, 82nd & Roosevelt
Overheard by: Liza
Just for That, No Hamdogs for You
Yankee fan #1: What do you like better -- hot dogs or hamburgers?
Yankee fan #2: I like 'em both, man.
Yankee fan #1: You can't like 'em both! Hot dogs and hamburgers are mortal enemies, asshole. Everyone knows that!
--Yankee Stadium
The long version of "I was drunk"
Spunky gay boy: It's not like I go into the bathroom to nap... But when you're pooping it's just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I'm like Pavlov's dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That's no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.
--C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St
Headline by: Gold StaR
Runners-Up:
· "But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video." - Veronica
· "I'm Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home...I Thought Your People Were Like Cats." - ImmaculatePizza
· "Pavlov's Log" - Brian G
· "Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop" - Chris
· "The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT's an Excuse." - Duncan Pflaster
· "Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?" - Lezbotron
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Limited-Edition Nixon Stamp Comes Out Today
Ghetto chick #1 in crowd: Where you going?
Ghetto chick #2: To get me some dick.
--Utopia Pkwy & Horace Harding Expwy
Overheard by: Audra
It's a Good Thing You Have a Trust Fund
Girlfriend: Why are you banging your head on the pole?
Boyfriend: I'm making my head stronger.
Girlfriend: You don't make it stronger that way, you just hurt yourself.
Boyfriend: It does both.
--Crowded E train
Overheard by: Laurie
Tell Us Something about Dick Cheney We Don't Know
Friend reading magazine: Look! That guy has a double chin!
Queer: Yeah, that's because he's a fucking asshole that eats souls.
--1 train
And, If You Do, Play Dead
Young girl: Are you okay? Are you okay?
Younger girl: [Nods.]
Young girl: Do you wanna have fun? Do you wanna have fun?
Younger girl: Yeah.
Young girl: I have a hint for you: don't fall down.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lauren Wurf
He's the Best Improvisational Lear in the Park
Crazy hobo pointing and screaming at a baby on dad's shoulder: Fucking bitch! You fucking bitch! Get the fuck out of here, you fucking bitch! You fucking slob!
Father to daughter, laughing: Come on, honey, let's go!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
I Love the Condom Hem
Drunk woman: Oh, look at this girl. I love her dress!
Guy: That dress is birth control.
--Prince & Greene
Overheard by: Andrew
They Don't Pay Me Enough to Care Who Explodes
MTA announcer: ... And if you see any suspicious packages, please report them to the nearest MTA employee.
MTA guy cleaning platform: No, don't tell me nothin'. I don't wanna know nothin'.
--7 train platform, Woodside
Overheard by: Hipster#3
Hang On, Eggs Come from Animals?
Girl #1: Is egg dairy? Is that what they're discussing?
Girl #2: Are they saying egg is meat?
Girl #1: I think it's in the meat category.
Girl #2: Nooo.
Girl #1: I'm looking for a pyramid... Eggs are in the meat category, and it comes from an animal.
Girl #2: So does milk, though.
Girl #1: An egg can turn into a meat. Milk cannot.
Girl #2: Okay, I'm not discussing this anymore.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: esther
I'm a Better Deal Alive Than Dead, Sweetie
Little girl: Daddy, when you die do we get all of your money?
Father: Well, that won't happen for a very long time.
Little girl: Daddy, how much money do you make?
--A train
Overheard by: A Chan
Bitch, I Don't Know Your Life!
Cashier: Do you want a bag?
Elderly Village-type customer: Do I want a bag? What, am I gonna carry it out in my mouth?
--Strand Bookstore, 12th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jake Elwell
Fortunately, No American Ever Has to Grow Up
Homie #1: Transformers looks mad scary.
Homie #2: That's why it's for adults like us.
Homie #1: Word. So is Harry Potter.
--G train
Could You Make a Donation Toward My Cable Bill?
Suit to hobo holding sign reading 'End apartheid in South Africa now!': They already ended apartheid in South Africa. They also freed Nelson Mandela.
Hobo: Shit, nigga, I gots to get me some CNN or some shit.
--Midtown
Overheard by: History Buff
Or Just Get One of Those Meat T-Shirts
Shopgirl #1: T-shirt! Deep-fry your t-shirt, and then he'll be all, 'Mmm!' and eat it off you!
Shopgirl #2: Yeah.
--Borders
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
You Are a Worthy Adversary, My Son!
Mom: So, you're gay, right?
Son: No, Mom, I'm not gay.
Mom: Yes, you are. I've seen your clothes.
Son: All the guys wear these.
Mom: All the gay ones, maybe.
Son: Go away.
Mom: If you were straight, you wouldn't have cried so much after you were pushed out of my vagina.
Son: Actually, I think that proves my straightness. No straight guy could look at your cunt and not cry.
--6 train
No? Come Back When You Got Patting Money, Kid
Little boy: Hey, can I pet your dog?
Man with puppy: You got a dollar?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emily
How to Raise Kids Who Aren't in Touch with Their Feelings
Child whining in stroller: I'm hungry!
Mother: No, you're not.
--Liberty & Broadway
You Know Those People Who Do All Their Thinking Out Loud?
Drunk guy #1: You know Fabrizio is banging Heather, right?
Drunk guy #2: No, really?
Drunk guy #1: Yeah, he's bangin' the shit out of her -- throwing her around the room and shit.
Drunk guy #2: Hehehe.
Drunk guy #1: He had her at her parents' house and went for six hours non-stop.
Drunk guy #2: Wow.
Drunk guy #1: Of course, he's 23 years old. For me to go six hours non-stop I need a little blue help. You know, some blue help -- especially with all the stuff I do [holds hand up to nose simulating doing a bump], y'know what I mean? [Suddenly turns to lady with Lord & Taylor bag] Lord and Taylor -- that place is the best. It's just like Neiman Marcus, but for a hundred bucks more you get a cappuccino and a shoe shine. It's worth it, right?
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Leticia
At the Very Least, We Can Play Beer Pong on It
15-year-old kid at stoop sale: Yo, I should totally buy this.
Friend #1: It's a door. What are you going to do with a door?
15-year-old kid: Yeah, but it's only 20 dollars.
Friend #2: You should definitely buy it.
--Carroll St, between 6th & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: mervis
Nothing Like Faint Praise from the Unworthy
Outgoing misogynist: See, my friend gives you a nine, but that's because he loves Puerto Rican women. I give you a seven-and-a-half. [Lady nods without looking up from her magazine.] So, what do you think?
Head-in-hands misogynist: I think you just embarrassed me.
Outgoing misogynist: I think you overshot with that nine, that's what I think.
--4 train
Overheard by: Alex
Trying to Make People Repent before Their Coffee Is Just Bad Business
Subway preacher: There is only one way to heaven, and it is by the son of god. You must repent or you will be damned...
Guy just getting on train, seeing preacher: Oh, fuck no. I don't need this in my life today! [Walks off train.]
Subway preacher: You must repent if you will be saved...
--1 train
Overheard by: Nathan
But Ignorance of the Law Is a Good Defense, Right?
Teacher: So, to conclude my lecture, I just want to tell you all again that this is illegal.
Student: What's illegal?
Teacher: Have you been listening?
Student: No.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Stuck in Class
But Surprisingly Few Issues with Flagella
Teen girl #1: Wow, you really have bad luck with tentacles, don't you?
Teen girl #2, sadly: Yeah...
--Anime Room, Forbidden Planet
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Um... Alternate Side of the Street Parking?
Girl #1: Oh my god! Hi!
Girl #2: Hi! What are you doing here?
Crazy lady: Maybe you could not yell in the street!
Girl #2: Hey, fuck you!
Crazy lady: Why don't you suck my dick, you loudmouths?!
Black lady passerby: 'Suck my dick,' she said! You hear that? What is wrong with New York?
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Leela
By Extrapolation from Existing Data
Black postman #1: Kiss my black ass!
Black postman #2: How do you know that it's black?
--Forest Hills post office
Hey, Check Out My Scaly Solar Keratoses
Dude #1: Yeah, he tans all the time by the track. He uses, like, a quarter of a bottle of tanning oil.
Dude #2: Well, there's a lot of skin cancer.
Chick: I think skin cancer is overrated. Not to be disrespectful, but is it even legitimate?
--Jamaica-bound Q30 bus
Overheard by: Liza
Just a Slight Parboiling
Woman #1: Yeah, we went to the hot springs there. They were so nice.
Woman #2: They had those in Hostel 2 and the girl died.
Woman #1: Oh... Well, that didn't happen to us.
--Union Square
Oh, Yes -- It's How I Lost Mine in the '80s
Thug: [Hacking cough.]
Old woman: You choking again? You keep it up and I'm gonna have to do the hymen maneuver on you!
Thug: Awww, hell no!
--Bx4 bus
Overheard by: some chick
Cheap Sex! Cupcakes! The Guillotine!
Lady: What are you all waiting for?
26th guy in line for iPhone: The new Harry Potter book.
27th guy in line: Shrek 4.
28th guy in line: Free crack. [Lady walks away.]
--AT&T store, Union Square
Is That the Default Setting for White Boys?
Girl looking at ad for Flight of the Conchords: I have family in New Zealand.
Boy: What the fuck is wrong with your family? They're, like, all over the place.
Girl: Well, they're rich.
Boy: But you're not. [Pause, then] We should kill them.
--B train, Church Ave
Overheard by: Kris N.
I'm Putting You Down As a "No"
Guy #1: Yo, could you ever double team a girl?
Guy #2: Yes. Don't care if there's a naked dude right next to me, I'd rail the bitch with him. Eiffel Tower that shit.
Guy #3: Fuck that. I'd feel mad weird being naked next to another naked guy, just banging some girl... Maybe I could do it if I had my clothes on. Like, I could just fuck her through the fly. That way it wouldn't be weird.
--East Village
Overheard by: Hiromi
Almost Half of It Was Mine
Man #1: How was last night?
Man #2: I shot so much cum in her mouth it looked like her teeth were melting.
Man #1: Okay.
--Queens Library
But It's Only a Matter of Time before We Put a Cross on the Moon
Middle-aged lady: Wait -- isn't there supposed to be a separation between church and space?
Young lady: No! Well, yes...
--87th & Lex
Overheard by: hbomb
Any Weirder Than Buying a Dildo Off of eBay?
Chick #1: So, when I went back to take a picture of the dildo on the fence post, it was gone? Who the fuck takes a dildo off a fence post?
Chick #2: Um, who puts a dildo on a fence post?
Chick #1: Well, that part kind of makes sense. But why take a dildo that's been outside?
Chick #2: Maybe they were desperate?
--10th & 5th
Freshly Shurikened Pepper, Sir?
Suit #1: When I dine out I like to enjoy my meal -- savor the good food and wine -- without any distractions.
Suit #2: Oh, alright, but I thought you'd make an exception for ninjas.
--Water & Broad St
Might Be Worth Going to Business School
15-year-old boricua: Check that shit out -- they puttin' the price up from $1.25 to $1.50!
15 year-old Latino: They be doin' that all the time. Two years before that it was, like, a dollar.
15 year-old thug: Fuckin' thieves.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: scipio
More Demand for That Than You Might Think
Woman: So, what do you do?
Man: Well, I meet new people in new environments... and I kill them.
--Italian restaurant, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Spencer
And Someone Drew a Penis Next to His Head
Father, pointing at License to Wed poster: The man in the middle ([Robin Williams] is funny.
Son, looking at John Krasinski: Why is that man sad?
Father: 'Cause he's getting married.
--6 train platform, 86th St
Overheard by: Toddy
Took 20 Years of Marriage, but I've Finally Pinpointed It
Woman: I've figured out what's wrong with him!
Man: What?
Woman: He smells like ear wax.
--Financial District
Overheard by: p
But I'll Pick Out a Nice One
Mom: Why don't you pick out some nice earrings for me for Mother's Day?
Little boy: I don't have that much money. For Mother's Day I'm getting you a hot dog.
--Gift store, the Met
Overheard by: Ki
It's the Little-Known 17th Commandment
Mom: Tie your shoelace.
Little girl: No.
Mom: If you don't tie your shoelace, something very bad will happen to you!
--Starbucks
I Heard That!
NYU student on cell: ... And she didn't realize that I was just, like, just so itchy!
Friend with her: Man, why are all the stupid girls in this city always on their cell phones?
--22nd & 2nd
Overheard by: jharris
She'll Love Them Once We Get Rid of the Termites, Though
Hipster chick: So yeah, between the surgery, the funeral, the infestation, and getting laid off, it's kinda been a shitty fortnight.
Butch chick: That's a rough deal, man.
Hipster chick: The only comfort I have is that my mom likes her new boobs.
--Matt's Grill
So Hold Still
Chick: James Brown died.
Dude: No, he didn't!
Chick: Yeah, he did!
Dude: But... He's right there! [Points at TV.]
Chick: Yeah. That's cool, isn't it?
Dude: What were we talking about before this shit?
Chick: Cutting off your cheek.
Dude: Right.
--McDonald's
I'm Still Serving a Suspension
Girl: Oh my god, I love bridges. They are so useful!
Boy: Oh, don't even get me started on bridges...
--Coney Island
They Can Describe the Hell Out of Things, Though
Svengali-type: Yeah, they're really into Phenomenology over there, so they can't really explain anything.
Lolita-type: Wow. Yeah, I'd heard that about them.
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Talk Is Cheap
Man to guy he bumped into: I hope you have to watch your children die!
Man's wife: Shhh, honey, you can't just say that!
--Times Square
Lesbians: Yeah, It's a Fuckin' Riot
Chick #1: I wonder if we look like lesbians.
Chick #2, holding her hand: Yep, we do! It's funny.
Chick #1: Yeah, I love it!
--53rd & 6th
More Like Playing-House-for-the-Weekend Domestic
20-ish white chick #1: I always feel, like, really domestic at the farmer's market.
20-ish white chick #2: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. But not, like, suburban. Like, 'I want to kill myself' domestic.
--Union Square Farmer's Market
Overheard by: Girl who is I-want-to-kill-myself domestic
John Travolta will take any role
Girl: What I really want is a guy who is kind of skinny and almost homosexual.
Fat male passerby: I can be that guy!
--14th & 2nd
Headline by: h
Runners-Up:
· "But One Who Isn't a Scientologist and Didn't Star in the "Mission Impossible" Movies" - Hostrauser
· "Drew Carey Believes He's a Hipster." - Stephalee
· "I Can Be Seven Of That Guy" - Belvedere Jones
· "I'm Not Skinny, but I'm All the Way Homosexual--it Balances Out." - KarenD
· "It Was Rosie O'Donnell" - Jess K.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sorry about Your Damaged Chromosomes, Honey
Man, as 'Angie' by Rolling Stones plays: Oh, man, this song reminds me of being on acid.
Wife, laughing: Me, too.
Man, as 'Tales of Brave Ulysses' by Cream comes on: Okay, no, this song reminds me of being on acid!
Wife: Me, too!
20-something daughter: I can totally hear you guys!
--Schiller's, Rivington St
Overheard by: lucy in the sky with diamonds
... And Got Maced by That Guy in the Penthouse
Skinny chick: Was there scaffolding on his building?
Fat chick: Yeah, don't you remember? I climbed it in my Catwoman costume on Halloween.
--Greenwich & 6th
Overheard by: tj
Like Most Metabolic Byproducts
Girl: This can't be good. It says 'Phenylketonurics: Contains phenylalanine.'
Guy #1: Isn't that a vegetable?
Guy #2: No, it's okay. It's Italian.
--3 train
Overheard by: Jessica
Equal-Opportunity Wednesday One-Liners
Sex kitten on cell: ... Body shots with hot, Brazilian, bi girls? Check.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McN.
Man on cell: ... And now she likes girls, so what am I supposed to do?
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Karolyn
NYU broad: I figure I've got three more years before it's not experimenting anymore... Of course I let him fuck me. If I didn't, it'd just be like fucking a girl!
--NYU Silver Center
Guy on cell: I'm telling you, she slept with someone else in my bed... It was another woman... Well, she said it didn't count.
--Outside Circus Bar, 43rd & 8th
Overheard by: tommy z
Teen boy recounting a fight at a school dance: ... And so I told them, 'Niggas better not fight, or my hand will be bisexual tonight, and I will slap you bitches!'
--J train
Hot chick on cell: How are we not millionaires with all our combined knowledge of meatotomy, Vegas, and bisexuality?
--Harlem
Overheard by: McNasty
Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Potty
Man leaving bathroom stall: I did it my way!
--420 5th Ave
Loud 12-year-old girl in stall, screaming to friends by the sinks: Is it bad that my pee is, like, foamy?
--Barnes & Noble, Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jenn
Young girl exiting porta-potty: I feel sick. I guess I shouldn't have looked down.
--Prospect Park
Kid in stall: Dad, I'm peeing with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed!
--Toys 'R' Us
Overheard by: Sean Bogart
Woman running into bathroom: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to pee! [Enters stall] Phew! Come on... [Starts peeing, then sighs] Oh, thank you, dear Lord, for this glorious opportunity!
--Staten Island Ferry terminal
Overheard by: amila, NOT the Lord
Girl in stall, answering cell: Hello? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was totally masturbating when you called.
--Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Thought "Elemeno" Was a Letter
Lady on cell: Yes, that's right. N as in 'Nancy,' M as in 'umbrella'...
--Brooklyn Botanic Garden
Conductor: This is a downtown V train -- V as in 'vasectomy.'
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Kim
MTA announcement: The next train is a Brooklyn-bound C train. C as in 'Shelly.'
--59th St station
Overheard by: Trey Givens
Loud man on cell: No, no, her name starts with an F... No, F... F like in 'phonics'! What? It doesn't? Oh, well, I guess you could spell it that way, too.
--L train
Loudspeaker: This is the B-as-in-'badass' train. Transfer to the D and Four.
--Yankee Stadium station
Ghetto girl on cell: C... No! C -- like the last letter in 'New York.'
--103rd & Lex
Wednesday One-Liners for the Great Depression
Man in pink shirt: So, I saw this homeless man, and he asked for change. I was like, 'Man, I'm even more fucked than you are. I spent my last change on a metro card.' And then the guy is like, 'Well, at least you have clothes,' and so I was like, 'No, I borrowed this from a drama performance.' And then he said have I eaten? I was like, 'No, I only ate a sandwich two days ago.' The homeless guy is like, 'You're right -- you are worse off than me.'
--N train
Chick: You know that hobo asking for a motorcycle? He now wants dinner in the Hamptons.
--79th & Broadway
Dude: If we see a homeless guy tonight, ask him if he saw last night's South Park.
--Manhattan-bound LIRR, Port Washington line
Chick: Let's become homeless people so we can just stay on this train.
--Metro-North to Grand Central
Overheard by: jj
Lady on cell: Yeah, I don't like singles... I don't like homeless people, either. I'd give my singles to the homeless.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Beez
Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!
--68th & Lexington
Drunk girl to friend: I mean, he's not, like, homeless-homeless... He's medium homeless!
--Bleecker & Thompson
Wednesday One-Liners for the Naked Cowboy
Old man on cell: Okay, well, I'm going to let you go. I'm seeing Spring Awakening, and I have to get settled and take my clothes off before the show starts.
--Eugene O'Neill Theater
Overheard by: Miki
Woman on cell: Mark, unless I undressed you, I don't need your help!
--Outside CBS Broadcast Center, W 57th St
Fully-clothed little boy running with friend: I feel naked!
--Battery Park
Chick: You can still laugh with your shirt off.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: wondering why this even needed to be said
Banker: Hermione better nude up for the next Harry Potter.
--60 Wall St
Hoochie: Let me tell you, there is a huge difference between a generally good party and a generally good party with naked girls.
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Steve
These Are My Wednesday One-Liners, in Whom I Am Well-Pleased
Seated proselytizer: Jesus walked through walls without using the door, and when Jesus touches you, he is inside you and you become like Jesus. So, if you do something to me, I don't need the police. I can just come to your house, because I can get in without keys.
--1 train
Overheard by: thaler
Mexican preacher: Statistics show one in one person will die.
--Times Square
Overheard by: soccerking3t
Religious nut: You have to accept God! His holy grace! His saving grace! He's got all kinds of grace!
--Grand Central
Bible-thumper: There's no way if you wrap citric acid, cola, and carbonation in aluminum foil and stick in in the fridge for a million years it's ever going to evolve into a Coke!
--Tompkins Square Park
Preacher: The best thing you can have on your resume when you die is not that you went to Harvard, not that you have a Ph.D., but that you have eternal life.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: God requires a resume?
Wednesday One-Liners Carry a Union Card
Hardhat to passerby: Does this building look crooked to you?
--Construction site, 12th & 4th
Overheard by: Random Passerby
Hardhat to another: You're everybody's bitch, you just haven't accepted it yet.
--PATH escalators, World Trade Center station
Overheard by: archly
Hardhat to coworkers: I'm not a monster!
--35th & Madison
Hardhat, belching loudly: There! Whaddya think of that, ya fuckin' A-wipe?!
--Midtown
Hardhat to circle of coworkers: So, you got the sperm over here...
--Center Blvd, Long Island City
Overheard by: Sabrina
The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge
Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you?
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Egon
Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don't care as long as the cops didn't see me.
--C train, Penn Station
Overheard by: go rangers!
Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident.
--8th & University
Overheard by: misspenny
Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That's why I'm outta here.
--S train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Hametuka
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Hadn't Said That
Guy to girl in aisle seat: Excuse me -- I think I'm inside you.
--Board plane at LaGuardia
Hot chick to friend: You have to play with it every night. Give it the attention it deserves.
--51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Jatmos
Conductor: If you got something sticking out, pull it all in! In the rear and the front!
--1 train
Teacher: You've got to stick it in the hole and twist it!
--MS 54
Overheard by: It's not turning!
Hoochie on cell: Hi, it's Sarah returning your call. I'm in Noho... or Soho... I don't know what 'ho' I'm in...
--Broadway, between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: Not a Ho
Wednesday One-Liners Watch Cribs
Creepster: I've always thought babies make the best pets.
--Bronx Zoo
Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E'ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines!
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Manhattman
Hipster chick, looking at over-sized purse: Oh, I like this bag! You could fit a baby in here! [Lady nearby stares.] Y'know, not that I'd ever put a baby... in a bag... Sheesh.
--Urban Outfitters, 2nd Ave
Lady on cell: I know it's reasonable to worry about things. but I just think it's sort of strange that you worry about a shark jumping up and snatching your baby while you're driving over a bridge! [Long pause] Well, did you ever think of rolling up the windows?
--Union Square
Blonde on cell: So, my friend took me to this vegan barbecue this weekend. Fucking bullshit. I had to go home and eat a baby just to feel normal again.
--59th & 5th
Wednesday One-Liners Watch AZN
Teacher: So, for the most part you guys had really low participation grades. Then they made me sit through some psychology workshop entitled 'The Asian Teen and Why They're So Quiet.' After that, I raised everyone's grade.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Lady with accent, to toddler: I don't know about Asians... He just fell over, and they don't even care! They're just gonna leave them there!
--Faye's Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: Sydney M
White mom taking photo of Chinese seven-year-old daughter: Honey, open your eyes! Wider! Open your eyes, dear!
--Times Square
Black guy with guitar: Hey! Hey you! This song I'm gonna sing is for you, Chinese girl. [Sings] Everybody was kung fu fighting, [yells and chops the air] boom, bam! Thank you. Thank you all! I accept pennies, nickels, dimes, iPods, wallets, cellphones, sunglasses, your first born, your mama, credit cards and Asians.
--1 train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Nerd: You can tell how good a testing location is by the ratio of people to Asians.
--Line for SATs, Martin Luther King Jr. High
Guy, regarding VA Tech: It's not right -- Asians aren't serial killers. If they were, there wouldn't be so many people in China. [Friends stare silently.] What? Too soon?
--NYU
Overheard by: evil new york
Breaking Windsday One-Liners
Defensive fat lady, as young guy looks accusingly at her: Oh, no, you better don't. I saw you tilt.
--Crowded 1/9 train
Overheard by: Joseph
Happy hobo: I just farted... Yes, all by myself!
--McDonald's
Big black guy, after someone let out very smelly fart: Well, I hope somebody feels better!
--Long line at Port Authority bus terminal
Hipster boy to friends: I mean, last night we have a conversation about how I'm not respected, and this morning I'm being farted on. Why? Why?!
--Morgan Ave stop
If You're Gonna Be Rude, Be Sure It Lands
Lady: Gentlemen, please. Would you lower your voices? [Unruly teen unleashes stream of Spanish curses, then prepares to disembark.] Jack, do I look like I understood a word you said? All of that was wasted energy. Never insult anyone in a language they don't know, because then it doesn't mean shit.
--4 train, 161st St
Desperadoes Have Killed for Less
Teacher: I may kill you anyway because of that whole desperado thing.
Student: I don't even know what desperadoes are. I just said it because you don't like them!
Teacher: That's reason enough.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
She's Sleeping with Her Entire Weight Watchers Group
Girl #1: God, it smells like chicken McNuggets in here.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, that's just my poonan.
--Elevator, Times Square Arts Center
I Was Hoping for Fucked-up Stallion
Thug #1: Yo, son, yo' face looks like a fucked-up pony, son!
Thug #2: Shit, son.
--Post office, 60th St
Think I Could Qualify for Federal Disability Benefits?
Russian lady with tiny, yappy dog: I really wish I could find you work, I really do.
Lonely punk in his mid-30s, sighing: I'm the ugliest man in the world!
--Clinton Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kenny
Explain the Assless Chaps, Then
Fat lady walking Pit Bull: The cop told me I have to put a muzzle on my dog.
Friend: Are you?
Fat lady: Hell no. Does my dog look like he's into kinky shit?!
--115th & Broadway
Overheard by: nassah
Must've Been Some Christening Last Night
Young office peon: Stan*, I have a question, but first, how are you this morning?
Old office peon: Well, I had only four hours of sleep, I am still very drunk, and even though I showered, I still have stripper stank on me... So, what was your question?
Young office peon: Never mind.
Old office peon: Okay, cool.
--Queens
Like I've Never Walked in on You Snorting Icing, Mom?
Yuppie mother watching alternative guy prepare cupcakes: Ew, I don't want him touching my cupcakes! I wish he were wearing gloves. He's such a freak.
Young daughter: Mom, you can't judge a book by its cover.
Yuppie mother, snootily: Well, sometimes you can! Freak.
--Magnolia Bakery
Save That Kind of Hoochie Business for the L
Ghetto woman: Hey. Hey, girl. Wake up [pokes her].
Girl, waking up: What?
Ghetto woman: Your bra is showing, girl.
Girl: It's supposed to be.
Ghetto woman: Not on the Seven Train, it's not.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Maybe on the 6?
He's Amost As Entertaining As He Is Naked
Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy's picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga's gotta be gettin' a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain't no homo or nothin', but how's he not get hard walkin' around in nothin' but briefs?
Urban lady: It's called 'entertainment.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
Men Are Simple Creatures and Easily Swayed
Middle-aged lady #1: Ewww, she's not even sexy.
Middle-aged lady #2: Well, she's engaged, so someone must find her sexy.
Middle-aged man: That's probably because she has fake boobs.
--Staten Island Ferry terminal
Overheard by: Yvie B
Hey, Where'd You Go?
Hot nerdy girl, excitedly: Well, I want a car that's like a cuttlefish! Like, it can change colors and escape from danger and stuff!
Boyfriend: [Blank stare.]
Hot nerdy girl: I think that'd be awesome.
Boyfriend: ... You're kinda cute, and I love you.
--82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Vicksburg
No Need to Blaspheme
Street vendor #1: Do you have a picture of Jesus Christ in your home?
Street vendor #2: What?
Street vendor #1: Jesus -- do you have his picture?
Street vendor #2: Who?
Street vendor #1: Jesus!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lotte
When I Try to Put Steve's Up to 140 Degrees, He Screams
Jersey girl #1: Oh my god, hot nuts! I have to have them! Almonds, please.
Jersey girl #2: Oh my god, Andrea! We're supposed to have dinner in, like, three hours!
Jersey girl #1: You don't understand, Lisa. I need hot nuts now.
--65th & Broadway
Overheard by: OMG! me Too!
Jesus: Look, I'm Back. Everything's Fine, Okay?
Crazy Jamaican lady preacher: Jesus died to save your sins!
Angry white man: Yeah, he also died so you'd shut the fuck up!
Crazy Jamaican lady preacher, later: It is not too late to repent!
Angry white man: It's not too late for you to get off the fuckin' train, either!
--D train
Overheard by: Mike
Wait! You Need to Pay the Directions Tax
Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to Times Square?
Ghetto dude: This is Times Square.
Tourist, slower and louder: No. Times Square.
Ghetto dude, slower and louder: This is Times Square.
Tourist: No, I'm looking for the actual square. Where's the square?
Ghetto dude: Oh, you want the square... Go down six blocks, turn left, and go down three. You can't miss it.
Tourist: Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Ghetto dude: Dumb fuck.
--42nd & Broadway
It's a Weight Off of Your Soul
Big Hispanic queer: ... So he says, 'So, don't you feel cleaner?' I says, 'Man, I feel cleaner, but what about the 20 pounds I'm supposed to lose?'
Little Hispanic queer: I thought you were supposed to lose mad weight when you got your colon cleaned.
--Prince & Broadway
This Also Scares Away Demons
Tourist in crowd waiting for crosswalk: [Sneezes.]
Suit: Shut the fuck up!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: dan.j.w.
Piece by Piece Is the Trick
Dude: Now I've seen everything! The Yankees--
Passerby, interrupting: --Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Dude: Ummm, no.
Passerby: Watch closely.
--Outside Yankee Stadium
...That I Suffer from Test Anxiety
Girlfriend: Great! My boyfriend doesn't even know my last name.
Boyfriend: No, I do! It's just...
--Lorimer & Metropolitan
Our Stripes Represent the Shirt Waldo Wore When He Crossed the Delaware
Five-year-old white boy: Mommy! Mommy! That man and that woman have American flags!
Mom: That's a Puerto Rican flag, honey.
Little boy: But it's red, white, and blue.
Mom: Both of our flags are red, white, and blue. Our flag has 52 stars and theirs only has one.
--Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: 4th Grade US History Graduate
Interview with an Idiot
Dude: ... And I stabbed her with a pencil. That's when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
--Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· "Night Of the Living Spongebob" - Lalaith
· "Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas" - Jeff
· "It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King." - space coyote
· "Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips." - Craig should be working
· "Tom Cruise Explains Scientology" - Meg
· "Undead Serious" - t.a.m.s.y.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ugly Girls, Represent!
Sixth grader: Yo! Miss Stevens*, how old are you?
Student teacher: 20.
Sixth grader: Are you a virgin?
Student teacher: I don't think that's an appropriate question.
Sixth grader: Aight. It's okay. I'm a virgin, too.
--University Neighborhood Middle School
Overheard by: teacher
... You Cum-Guzzling Gutterslut
Ghetto dad: Fuck that.
Ghetto mom: Don't say that. She's a fucking three-year-old!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Liz
We're Very Motivated Get to the Next Grade
Student: That man is giving away free juice. Can we have juice?
Teacher: No. Then you'll have to pee during the show, and I'm not disrupting the whole theater to take you to the bathroom.
Student: You're the meanest teacher ever!
Teacher: I'm training to be a mommy. How am I doing?
--Minskoff Theatre
And Inexplicably Looove Titanic
Dude #1: The Japanese can't be that racist!
Dude #2: All I'm saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they're still going to hate the blacks.
--Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx
Goliath: Bitch, Please! I Had Food Poisoning!
Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh...
Man: I'm King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]
Man: For slaying Goliath!
--7 train
Overheard by: Matt
We're Supposed to Refer to That As "Surgery"
Nurse #1: The guy in room 14 is so annoying.
Nurse #2: No wonder somebody stabbed him in the fucking face.
--1st Ave
Who's Determined Never to Go Back to Jail
Donation guy: You love animals, don't you? [Shoves binder in woman's face.]
Tough guy, to girlfriend: I'll knock him out if he comes at me like that.
Donation guy: You love animals, don't you? [Shoves binder in tough guy's face.]
Tough guy: No, thank you, sir.
Girlfriend: You didn't knock him out.
Tough guy: Yeah, I'm a pussy.
--14th & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: I Would Have Punched Him
Or a Tranquilizer Gun
Guy on cell: Oh my god, can you see my cornhole? Well, does it at least look good? I went with him to Two Boots. I feel like I'm completely impacted. I might have to get three colonics.
Girl with him, after he hangs up: Oh my god, I really need a boyfriend.
--Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery
Mostly "Ow" and "Harder"
Guy: So, what did she say about it?
Woman: Well, I was fucking her in the ass when I said it.
--4th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jason Hanrahan
Wait, Isn't That Passing?
College girl: How many Asians are in there?
Bouncer: I don't know.
College girl: Like, what's the percentage?
Bouncer: Seventy? [Girls walk away.]
--Bowery & Prince
The Bouncer Made Them Wait Two Hours
Bimbette tourist: Oh my god! What's that? It looks like a cool, underground club or secret hideout.
Friend: Um, that's the entrance to the subway.
--57th & 7th
Overheard by: office peon adopted a dog!
I Like a Lady Who Can See Over the Counter at Duane Reade
Eight-year-old thuglet: Yo, the 14-year-old one was hot. I liked her.
Friend: Yo, cuz', you can't get no 14-year-old girl. Forget it!
Eight-year-old thuglet: Please! I could and I have!
Friend: 14? That hot?
Eight-year-old thuglet: Try 15. And hotter.
--F train
Overheard by: freckles
Didn't Want to Be a Pathetic Little Safe-Sex Bitch
Guy #1: His schlong was so long!
Guy #2: Did you get HIV?
Guy #1: No, I tested myself. You stick the thing in your butt for, like, five minutes like a thermometer. It feels so good.
--Washington Square Park
So Much for Pooling Our Resources
Student #1: Do you have a light?
Student #2: No. Do you have a cigarette?
Student #1: No.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Gimme a Hand with This Back Flap, Okay?
Receptionist #1: Yo, my skin is peeling off.
Receptionist #2: Why?
Receptionist #1: 'Cause I'm gross!
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: retarded receptionist
Don't Waste Your Limited Attention Span, Sweetie
Salesgirl: Can I help you?
Teen in short skirt and chewing gum: Um, hi. I'm looking for a book called, um, um, 'The Da-something Code.'
Salesgirl: The Da Vinci Code?
Teen in short skirt and chewing gum: Yeah, something.
--Barnes & Noble
Was That DVD of Spy Kids 3 Really Worth It, Kid?
Underage guy, as alarm sounds: Is it me? Am I setting off the alarm?
Underage girl: I think it's your bag.
Underage guy: Maybe it's because of all the booze I've got in my backpack.
Underage girl: Shut up!
--Kim's Videos, St. Mark's Pl
NewsFlash: Preppy Girl Crushed to Death in Subway
Preppy girl to friend: I vote to ban fat people from trains. [Woman nearby throws angry look.] Just at rush hour! [Woman mutters under her breath.] Local-only chub train?
--Crowded 3 train
I Was My Own Finest Creation
Black girl: Yo, white boy! Yo, white boy! [White guy ignores her, so she follows him.] White boy! Yo, white boy!
White guy: What?! How would you like it if I yelled, 'Hey, black girl! Hey, black girl!'?
Black girl: No! It's okay! I'm white -- I went to Pratt.
--Bed-Stuy
I Always Figured on Running a Barely Lethal Voltage through the Pleasure Center of My Brain
Park bench guy #1: If you could control it, what's your ideal death?
Park bench guy #2: Something public, definitely. I'd rig a guillotine or something and when the chopper falls my head'll roll in front of this kid and he'll just stare at my lifeless eyes.
Park bench guy #1: That's some sick shit. I'd want something that I wouldn't dread. Like, I'd just drop dead, you know? Painless would be nice, too. Think carbon monoxide is painless?
Park bench guy #2: I always figured it was like getting choked except, like, all over your body.
Passerby: It's painless! It has to be!
--Bowling Green
Overheard by: Matt
It's Important to Have a Cause
Puerto Rican thug #1: Man, you gotta wash yo' hands before you touch yo' dick, man. You don't know what's on 'em. Don King said that.
Puerto Rican thug #2: True that. Yo... Don King said that?
Puerto Rican thug #1: Yeah, with the hair.
--Restroom, Sony Wonder Lab, Madison Ave
Overheard by: Dan
Two Voices, a Single Dream
Girl #1, into phone: No, we're in Brooklyn. Yeah, Spot Collins's territory.
Girl #2: I cannot believe you just made a Newsies reference.
Girl #1: Bitch, please -- you do it all the time.
--17th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: me too
I'm More into Authenticity Than Quality Anyway
Suit: Hey, who has the best pizza, you or the guy down the block?
Pizzeria owner: Fuck you!
Suit: I'll have two slices, please.
--Near Orchard & Houston
So I Wonder, How Bad Could a Blowjob Be?
Drunk girl: I ate two sausages tonight. Two!
Drunk friend: Oh my god!
Drunk girl: I don't even eat sausages.
Drunk friend: Wow!
Drunk girl: They were the best sausages I ever had.
--29th & 9th
Remembrance of Things Pissed
Teen boy #1, pointing to a bush: That's where we peed last time.
Teen boy #2: Really?
--Central Park
Cook Is English
Patron: What kind of vegetables do you have?
Surly Russian waitress: Boiled.
--Brighton Beach
Overheard by: cg
But Dark Souls Are Really Hot This Season
Rockabilly girl: I'm a little evil.
Preppy girl: Well, think about our friends -- you'd almost have to be. I definitely am.
Rockabilly girl: Jenny, our friends are horrible people.
Preppy girl: True.
--Essex & Rivington
I Smell Romantic Comedy Gold!
Nurse #1: Fuck, I hate Mr. Williams. That fucker won't shut the hell up. Every time he's here he wants me to be his nurse.
Nurse #2, laughing: Mr. Williams likes you.
Nurse #3: I don't know why you're laughing, Mary. At least she doesn't have an 80-year-old dyke putting the moves on her.
--South Ward, Albert Einstein Hospital
But Don't Hold Your Breath
Dude: Thanks for showing me that in the computer program.
Chick: Sure! I like to give everyone a piece once in a while.
--Tunnel St, Chinatown
My Mom Told Me to Stick to the Numbered Streets
Passenger: Hi, I'd like to go to Rivington and Ludlow, please.
Cabbie: I don't know where that is.
Passenger: That's okay, I'll show you how to get there.
Cabbie: But then how will I know how to get back?
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Charlemagne
He Forgot to Pull Up His Tights
Drunk male ballet dancer: Can I have your attention, please? I'm not asking for money -- I just want to let you all know that I need to pee and I'm going to step between the cars for a moment. I'll be right back, don't worry. [He steps out of the car onto the walkway for a few seconds, then comes back in. Whole car applauds.]
--1 train
I'll Complete This Hit Any Way I Can
WASP man on curb: You almost ran my wife over!
Imitation mobster jumping out of Mercedes: Yeah, you wanna get shot, asshole?!
--W 4th & Perry St
Overheard by: neko
I Have Some Questions for Her about Your Upbringing
Hipster chick: Fuck off -- I already told you girls don't poop. Especially not this one. [Boyfriend looks at her with puppy dog eyes.] And no, you cannot put your penis up there to find out. I am not having this conversation before I meet your mother.
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: edith
There's Very Little Sleeping Going On
Alabaman tourist: Do the trains run all night?
NY-er: Yes, they never close.
Alabaman tourist: Well, that's good. We wanted to make sure we could get back from Times Square.
NY-er: Well, by New York standards it's still early. It is only 9:30.
Alabaman tourist: Yeah, from where we're from it's late. We sleep with the roosters... Well, not literally.
--1/2/3 station, 72nd St
Overheard by: Debbie
Christian Recruitment Takes a New Tack
Latina: He could just touch a spot and get you off.
Latino: Jesus could get you off just thinkin' about you.
--Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
And Not Get Arrested, Like We Did
Latino #1: Man, that nigga is black!.
Latino #2: Fo' real. He could, like, walk into a funeral butt-naked, that nigga so black.
--Taco Bell, Northern Blvd, Woodside
Overheard by: playbill staffer
I Wanna Learn about Things before They Happen
High school student #1: I hate history. I'm flunking it, man.
High school student #2: Yeah, dude, I hate history. All we learn about is old stuff.
--2 train, 42nd St
If So, You Should Take My Dad's Card
Father: Will you be in tomorrow?
Techie #1: Unfortunately, no, sir.
Father: Well, then who will I yell at if anything goes wrong with the computer?
Techie #2: You could always yell at me, sir!
Daughter, uncertain: ... Do you... like to be yelled at?
--Circuit City, Union Square
Your Truck's More Like a Pair of Sears Tuffskins
Fruity metro guy: My truck makes this crazy noise whenever I brake.
Mechanic: What's the make of your truck, son?
Fruity metro guy: White.
Mechanic: No, son, the make.
Fruity metro guy: Truck.
Mechanic: The make, son, the make.
Fruity metro guy: 1997. There, I've just told you everything I know about my truck.
Mechanic: Who made your truck? Ford? Nissan?
Fruity metro guy: Oh, you mean the brand. It's Ford.
Mechanic: A truck ain't a pair of jeans, son.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus
No, Honey. The Camera Only Takes a Tiny Piece of His Soul
Seven-year-old: Mom? Did you take a picture when Hammie died?
Mother: No, it's not right to take pictures of dead things...
Seven-year-old: No, I mean when you took the picture, did it stun him and kill him? [Sister chokes and spits out food.]
Mother: Yeah, you deserve to choke on that...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: blondie
Sorry, a Dollar's All You Get
Hobo: My, you are dressed sharp.
Suit: Thanks. [Hands him a dollar.]
Hobo: You so sharp, I'm afraid to touch you 'cause I'll get cut! You know, ladies love the sharp-dressed men!
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Lady Who Loves Him
And Even Then, Only Cereal Boxes
Male suit: So, you're a literary agent? That's so cool. How's it going?
Lady suit: I just sold my first book! And the movie rights were optioned the same day!
Male suit: Totally exciting. What's the book about?
Lady suit: Oh, I don't know. I haven't actually read it.
Male suit: That's cool. I didn't really read much until I started college.
--A train
Overheard by: Max Perkins Is Rolling in His Grave
It Isn't Easy Being Us
Chick #1: I just look for things in my cabinet to overdose on. Seriously, I need to go on strong medication. I have no boyfriend, no life... I need some medicine. I need it right now. Oh my god, I'm about to cry right here. And see, I'm getting so fat. I mean, I still wear the same size and weigh the same, but I'm getting so fat. I know it's because I'm eating breakfast again. I usually do no breakfast, then yogurt for lunch and fish or something for dinner. I know it's because of breakfast.
Chick #2: Well, I seriously can't go home without drinking. It's not like I'm a huge drinker or anything, but I just can't stay away from wine once I step in the door.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Cathy Pyenson
I Hope No Men Find Out How Foul Women Can Be
Female yuppie #1: ... And it was smeared all over the walls of the stall!
Female yuppie #2: Oh my god, that is so disgusting.
Female yuppie #1: Yeah, I can't believe someone would do that at work.
Female yuppie #2: I can't believe someone would do that ever!
--South-bound G train
Overheard by: Kevin
And Those Fat Earthworm Things Don't Comb Over Well
Black hipster #1: Hey, remember ugly-ass Anthony from back in high school? I saw him on the R train the other day.
Black hipster #2: Does he still look like the Predator?
Black hipster #1: Yeah, but with male pattern baldness.
--Union Square
You Go Ahead and Feel Bad, Though
Father: They're really promoting Paul McCartney at Starbucks.
Tween son: One of my friends said it sucks that John Lennon was shot instead of Paul McCartney. I felt bad when he said it.
Father: That's a horrible thing to say... But your friend was right.
--Starbucks, 8th St
Though Currently They Are Firmly Restrained
Black girl #1: ... And you know white girls don't wear no panties!
Black girl #2: I don't wear panties either... I mean, I do when I go out, but when I'm at home my labias be swingin'.
--TGIFridays, 34th St
Overheard by: sad to say i was sitting near them
Can't Be Too Careful after That Whole "Original Sin" Thing
Girl on first date: I love animals.
Guy on first date: I love animals, too, but I see a snake and I'll shoot it in the face.
--Union Square
Fuck the Contest. I'm Joining That Gym!
Workout girl #1: It feels so sticky when I put it on my lips.
Workout girl #2: That's why you don't stick your fingers all the way inside it.
--Synergy Gym, Astoria
Overheard by: Wog
Headline by: Rocks N Socks
Runners-Up:
· "How to Eat a Bowl Of Ice Cream Without a Spoon" - Karl
· "Life Without a Toilet Plunger..." - Jackster
· "Oh Cum On!" - Mike
· "The Rim Is All You Need..." - Steph
· "Winnie The Pooh Had The Same Problem With His Honeypot" - Sticky Thump
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Demoting You to Provisionally-Exclusive
20-ish girl: Dammit, why aren't you coming to my party?
20-ish guy: I told you -- I have to go to DC that night with my family.
20-ish girl: How am I going to show off my terribly attractive boyfriend to all my other less-attractive boyfriends if you're not going to be there?!
--L train
Even Better Than Secaucus, Son
Young father: Here we are -- New York City! The greatest city in the world.
Four-year-old son: Even better than Hoboken, Dad?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Phil
No, I Think We Went to Obedience School Together
Girl: I think that dog is staring at me...
Guy: Don't flatter yourself.
--Washington Square dog park
Overheard by: Dog and people watcher
Wednesday One-Liners, As Seen in Playbill
Twenty-ish girl exiting theater: Ugh... It's like getting out of prison...
--Stage door for Mary Poppins, 41st St
Angry old lady: You shouldn't have to be distracted by all these ideas when you're watching a play.
--Cymbeline, BAM
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Mother to child eating pizza: Eat your cereal! Do you know why I said, 'Eat your cereal'? Because it's a line in Mommy's play.
--105th & Broadway
Shocked lady fanning herself after first act of Spring Awakening: Well, that certainly wasn't Cats.
--O'Neill Theater
Overheard by: sjp
Girl on cell: Wait, she quit her job to come see the show?
--Rush line for Spring Awakening
Overheard by: hope she gets tickets
Blue-haired person to another: I didn't care for it, but the Asians will love it!
--Sweet Charity showing, Al Hirschfeld Theatre
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Flicker Pictures
Guy to L. Ron Hub-tards: So, if I sign up with you, how long do I have to offer people stress tests before I become a movie star?
--Union Square
Gangsta teen: Yeah, A Clockwork Orange. You seen that shit? They taped his eyes open and made him watch rapes and shit. I would have ripped that shit off my eyes, man -- fuck that. I'd blink my motherfucking eyes regardless.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: I do, too
Hipster: Actually, I don't watch movies. I watch films.
--The Village
Blonde: Wasn't Newsies a documentary?
--Deluxe, 114th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
Queer on cell: So, it's not just like one of those regular bestiality films...
--E 9th & 1st
Movie buff: Yeah, I thought Seabiscuit was a good movie until I realized it was about a horse.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: pokemaul2k4
Wednesday One-Liners Just Wanted Boys to Like Them
Lady bus driver on cell: Tell everybody in Intelligence they can all get their dicks sucked.
--West-bound crosstown bus,14th St
Overheard by: Kate
Man on cell: Having your dick sucked poorly for 10 minutes and then watching him fuck your girlfriend can be fun in moderation, but after a while it just gets old.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Still laughing
Guy with chick: All I know is I have two finals, she'll give me a blowjob to relax me, and I'll go home and take a nap.
--A train
Woman on phone: So, I was given 30 minutes for pizza, right? And I leave my office, look over, and she is sucking his fucking dick.
--Target
Overheard by: Jooshua
Hipster: Yeah, like five tranny vampires sucked my dick within 10 minutes of walking into that place.
--Beauty bar
Straight guy: Yeah, I think I'd suck Jabba the Hut's dick.
--Houston & Ave A
Overheard by: Karin
Wednesday One-Liners Comix and Stories
Ghetto guy: It's a bird; it's a plane; it's Super Vagina!
--Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: office peon
Little boy to dad: I have a secret identity.
--116th & Broadway
Hobo: Did you know Batman and Robin are in the Bible? Yeah, gays in there -- they were so busy being gay that the blacks wrote the Bible... And by the way, you can find O.J. Simpson in there, too.
--40 bus, Bronx
Woman on cell: What I was thinking was Spider-Man would show up for just one hour, and he'd officiate the wedding.
--Joralemon St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: jill
Lawyer on cell: I have so many arch-nemeses...
--Law firm lobby, Midtown
Overheard by: I hope I'm not one of them
Wednesday One-Liners Have Started Drinking Alone
Teacher: That's a beautiful outfit! I forgot today was Culture Day -- I would've come in drunk.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
JAP: I was so drunk, and the next day I woke up in an unmade bed!
--Times Square
NJ Transit conductor: We're on the train goin' to Dovah. This is a late-night train for the drunk college kids. If you miss your stop, that sucks -- we ain't goin' back. In Dovah, it's ovah.
--Penn Station
Chorus of drunks: Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks!
--Welcome to the Johnson's, LES
Overheard by: Alexis
Large, loud lady dragging dirty hot pink suitcase to passerby: I've got a bottle of beer in one hand and a holy Bible in the other!
--W 39th & 8th
20-ish director type to others: Okay, I'm laying down the law for this show. Nobody drinks -- none of the actors are allowed to drink before the show tomorrow. I can drink before the show, but none of the actors can drink before the show.
--Krain's Theatre, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: could use a drink now
Tipsy dude: Either way, the test is coming back positive, so let's get drunk.
--3rd & 12th
The White Devil's Wednesday One-Liners
Newscaster to cameraman: Come on, can't we get some fucking white people to interview? [White suit approaches.] Hi, do you have a minute?
--Fulton & Gold
Overheard by: Floored
14-year-old girl to friend: Yo, my momma was like, 'We gotta go over to Peter Lugar's to pick up some white niggas with chizzz-ash!'
--S 3rd St, Williamsburg
White guy to buddy: I have this thing for girls who look like white girls, but actually...
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Overheard by: NCS
Dude: Journey is like crack for white people.
--Metropolitan Championship Regatta
Queer black guy on cell: Girl, just stop! That is not your job... No, if she's such a delicate white woman that she can't be bothered to take care of her own child, then she can't be mad if you lose her in the park... No, that's not your job.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mark
Ghetto chick: You eat those Fritos like a white girl.
--Prominade, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: David in Dumbo
Southern tourist to wifey: You know, people in New York are so many different shades... White people, I mean.
--Q train, 34th St
Lord of the Wednesday One-Liners
Sweet-looking old man teaching ballet: This is an adult ballet class. We have to try and do things correctly. A children's ballet is different. Technically, it qualifies as child abuse.
--Steps on Broadway dance studio
Chick on cell: After the crash test dummy, there were two geishas who belly danced.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv
Chick: ... But he didn't expect it to be a bunch of animals -- rabbits and bears in little outfits and shit. And doing little dances. And he was maaad...!
--1 train
Overheard by: Ladle
Agitated old Jew to wife: I'm just saying, for my money I want the Electric Slide, I want the Macarena, I want the Chicken Dance, you know what I mean?
--68th & Lex
Indignant mom: She secretly enrolled her in ballet without telling me!
--Monroe St & Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
Old Einstein-looking guy with charming European accent: I always wanted to be a belly dancer so I was surprised when I became a composer.
--Subway
Overheard by: Ben H
Wednesday One-Liners, Red in Tooth and Claw
Fashionista to two others: Yeah, but like, what are we going to do with a dead horse?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Brooke
Woman: I lived in a mud hut with rabid bats -- I think I cashed in my JAP card.
--Bushwick
Chick to guy: They get to pick out the puppies and kitties that they like the best, and they get to take them for the night. And, if they get killed, they just have to replace them. Isn't that great?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl to boyfriend: With the amount you spend on little turtles, I think you could buy yourself a suit.
--Columbia University
Sailor to another: What do you know about anything 'cept cuttin' up squid and takin' it to bed with you?!
--Hudson & Perry
Saucy chick: The worst I ever got fucked was by a horse named 'Hunt.'
--16th & 1st
Overheard by: Karin
Wednesday One-Liners for Anderson Cooper
Suit on cell: Yeah, it was definitely a fucking adventure alright... I feel like fucking Harry Potter.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Nina
Angry suit on cell: I don't say anything derogatory! If I did, I would say some things about you and your husband! You don't scare me!
--36th, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: K-Flex
Suit: You know me -- I always try to be a professional and a gentleman... until I'm in a trivia contest.
--26th & Park
Suit on cell: I have to go down to DC for a horse race... Actually, it's Northern Virginia, so I'm thinking while I'm down there I'm going to stop by the Lincoln Memorial. Is that the place where everyone protests? I think I'll stop by there and make a speech, then maybe I'll take a shit on Capital Hill.
--2nd St & Ave A
Overheard by: Amandax
Suit: A practical joker? Isn't that just called a felon?
--Office, Park Ave
Concerned suit to large, inflatable chicken: Hello? Hello? Is there someone in there? Can you hear me? Hello?
--45th & 3rd
Young Indian suit to another: You know, I don't do shit anymore... All I do now is have sex and play with my Slinky.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Lerka
I Love the Smell of Wednesday One-Liners in the Morning
Basketball thug: Yo, my mama's breasts smell like rusty pickles!
--Columbus Park, by City Hall
Overheard by:
Man: Dude, smell my cellphone...
--Broadway, Astoria
Fat tourist: I smell like a slave ship.
--Restaurant, Mulberry & Broome
Chick on cell: That is true, however, it is definitely not my fault your apartment smells like an ass crack.
--48th & 5th
Overheard by: Laurie
Fat black lady to son: Where is the train? I smell it, but where is it?
--Fulton & Pearl
Overheard by: Justin
Wednesday One-Liners Void Where Prohibited
Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! -- Venti decaf frappucino -- I've been doing it since I was born!
--Starbucks, Spring & Crosby
Overheard by: Mistress Silver
Girl to friend: ... And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!
--St. Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: that's the whole point of galoshes, right?
Whiny guy: I don't mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I've got my stick!
--Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint
Chick meeting friends: Guys, don't tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.
--Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible
Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!
--Rector St & Trinity Pl
Overheard by: Benjie
Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!
--7th Ave, between 28th & 29th
Wednesday One-Liners: So Like Us
Young man: Horses are beautiful, man. They're like fucking donkeys.
--Central Park
Frustrated kid: For the last time, monkeys do not have chlorophyll!
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: Sacagawea
Hobo leaning over and talking to squirrels: Why are you a squirrel?! Why?!
--Washington Square Park
Man: Once, I drove a horse! I took my belt over its head, and I drove that horse with my belt! That horse was like, 'Woo-woo!' You know Mary Jane? The candy. The peanut candy. I gave that horse Mary Jane and it went, 'Woo-woo!'
--A train
Man on cell: ... Is this the residence of a three-toed sloth? [Pause.] Are you the proud owner of a three-toed sloth?
--Clinton St & E Broadway
Overheard by: Chris
Blonde: So, I totally know this story. It was about this lion who became best friends with a deer, like, in Africa, and the lion wouldn't, like, eat the deer, and the deer wouldn't, like, run from the lion, but then the deer got really skinny and another lion ate him and the first lion got sad and died.
--NJ Transit train to Penn
Chick on cell: It's been way too long since our sheep lisped.
--Harlem
You Won't Be Laughing When the "Juicy" Diet Takes America by Storm
Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That's right, water keeps you juicy... [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I'm talkin' about! She exotic... She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh... She know what I'm talkin' about... Oh, shit, it's our stop... Thank God, because I'm 'bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]
--1 train
Overheard by: amused
Sorry, We Can't Allow That
JAP #1: When I grow up I want to be purple.
JAP #2: What? I'm putting that on Facebook!
JAP #1: Why? I was just talking to myself... Fuck, I was talking to myself.
--82nd & Lex
... Five Tequila Shots, and a Long Island Iced Tea
Dude #1: Do anything this weekend?
Dude #2: Yeah, went to my cousin's wedding.
Dude #1: Open bar?
Dude #2: Yeah, but I don't drink, 'cause I'm an alcoholic, so I only had a couple vodka tonics.
--Jacob Javits Convention Center
From A Field Guide to North American Beauty Standards
Man: I'm trying to work out to drop some weight.
Lady: Yeah, my girlfriend and I been goin' to the gym to make our booties clap.
Man: Aw, yeah?
Lady: You know, makin' em clap, gettin' 'em right.
Man: Yeah, like, I seen this girl on TV -- I think her name is Tastee...
Lady: That girl from Flavor of Love?
Man: No, not Toastee -- like, a real girl, named Tastee. Her booty makes a sound like [claps his hands loudly three times]. It, like, smacks itself.
Lady: Damn.
--Rite Aid, Grand & Clinton
Overheard by: Beth P.
Wait 'til He's Strung Out and Call the Preacher -- It's That Simple!
Chick #1: Who am I kidding? I don't even have anyone to marry.
Chick #2: That's why you should come to Mona's and meet a nice drug addict.
--Sbarro, 49th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ellen
We Would, but There's Simply No Room
Old lady: Move! Move, move, move! Get out of my way!
Suit: Say, 'Excuse me'! God, it's called manners!
Old lady: I did say excuse me! Now move!
12-year-old thug: Fight! Oooh, fight! They gon' fight!
--1 train
Instructor: Sometimes I Tell Them They're Doing It Wrong So I Can Touch Them
Sweaty girl #1: Sometimes I do the poses just a little bit wrong so the instructors will correct me.
Sweaty girl #2: Oh, I know! I'm not a lesbian, but I would let today's instructor touch me all over!
--Yoga to the People, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Cooper C
I'll Have My Girl Call, Well, You
Well-dressed woman: So, we should have a threesome...
Well-dressed man: Yes, probably...
--10th & 3rd
A Courier Will Deliver Further Instructions
Chubby Asian girl: I just don't know, Dani* -- if you start out giving him head, I don't see what I'm supposed to do.
Ghetto girl: You s'posed to shut the fuck up and eat my pussy, bitch.
Chubby Asian girl: Oh, okay.
--Starbucks, St. Mark's Pl
Sorry, Everybody -- He's in the Terrorist Twos
Two-year-old boy into broken cell: Hello? Hello?
Mom: That's right!
Two-year-old boy: Mommy? Mommy! Mommy!
Mom: Honey, no yelling!
Two-year-old boy, whispering: Mommy! Mommy! [Turns the cell around, using it as a gun.] Bam! Bam! Bam, bam, bam! [Starts 'shooting' passengers.] Bam! Bam! Bam!
Mom: Honey! No acts of violence!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overheard by:
Do I Know You?
Old woman #1: Where is Penn Station?
Old woman #2: What do you mean? We were just there!
Old woman #1: Yes, but where is it? I want to go to Penn Station.
Old woman #2: I don't know where it is, and I don't know where we are.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Sophistahippie
You Should Write for The Journal Of Irreproducible Results
Teen #1: Hey, since, like, they keep putting cement and buildings and stuff on the Earth, won't it just keep gettin' heavier and, like, explode?
Teen #2: You know what? I never thought about that!
--Grand Central
Fine, Fine. But Don't Forget to Pick Up the Check
Girl on first date: Are you texting someone?
Guy on first date: No, I'm just playing Tetris.
Girl on first date: Okay... You know what? I gotta go, it's getting late.
--Sushi bar
What's That? You Have a Bomb?
Tourist girl to friend: Oh my god, people are totally going to know we're from Boston when they hear our accents!
Guy sweeping cigarette butts: No, people are going to know you're from Boston when they hear you freak out and call the bomb squad over one of our electronic ads.
--49th & 9th
Overheard by: guy who dropped a couple of the cigarette butts
Cocktails May Have Been Involved
Adult daughter: Wait -- so your friend in college had a pet alligator in his apartment? That's so dangerous! Did it ever bite you?
Father: Yeah, but only once, and it was because I tried to fill it up with dirt.
--The Frick Museum
Just Curious
Girl wearing cargo capris: Do I look like a lesbian in these pants?
Stranger girl: Yeah, why?
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Hal
It's a Whole Different Story in the Supermodel Car
Four-year-old boy: Mommy, why don't nobody look at each other on the train?
Mother: 'Cause they ugly.
--G train
What a Dump
Men #1 & #2: What is that?!
Man #3: Yep, yep, that's me! Sorry, sorry! It's me. I just don't understand it -- I've never shit my pants in my entire life!
Man #4: That's disgusting!
Man #3: Sorry, sorry.
Elevator operator: Welcome to New York City.
--Elevator at W Hotel, Union Square
Only the Pod People Remain 'til the End of the Line
Black kid #1: Are you getting off at the next stop, son?
Black kid #2: No, man, this train goes all the way to Harlem. Everyone else gets off at 34th, 42nd... By the time we get up to 96th, it's me, a crackhead, and a midget.
--3 train
So They're Basically Like Musicians?
Redhead: I wish I was a pirate.
Brunette: No, you don't. Pirates are dirty. They don't have toothbrushes.
Redhead: Yeah... But they drink so much alcohol that it kills the bacteria in their mouths anyway.
Brunette: Really? Well, they still don't have health insurance...
--FIT dorm
They Let Kids into Nobu Now?
Little boy: Daddy, I want a hamburger.
Dad: Hmmm.
Little boy: A hamburger, Daddy. I want... a hamburger!
Dad: Yes, you do.
Little boy: Daddy, I want--
Dad: --You're not getting a goddamned hamburger!
--Nobu Sushi
Who Rides in a Short Bus under the Sea?
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yeah, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?!
Kid #2: Yes, seriously.
Kid #1: Seriously?
Kid #2: Yes! Seriously! Gosh, you're acting like SpongeBob!
--St. Catherine's Elementary, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rpk
Headline by: Rock Bottom
Runners-Up:
· "...or Alberto Gonzalez under Oath." - JC
· "Actual Script from Laguna Beach" - Jeremy
· "Dude, You've Been Watching Too Much SquarePant's Anatomy" - Breanne S.
· "How Serious Can Spongebob Be If Spongebob Could Be Serious?" - Philip
· "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Test Campaign #34" - Paul Sheiman
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You'll Like Rich; You Won't Like Lazy
UES girl, after passing dog walker: Mommy, that man has a lot of dogs!
UES mom: Yes, he does, because he walks them for other people.
UES girl: Why?
UES mom: Because people who live here are too lazy and rich to do it themselves, honey.
UES girl: Oh... Mommy, can I be lazy and rich someday?
UES mom: Of course, honey.
--E 70th & Park
Everlasting Cockstopper
Chick: What is she waving around? Is that a penis pop?
Dude: Yes.
Chick: What flavor is it?
--Montien Thai, 12th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Should It Be Meth?
Junior analyst #1: I know this guy who is such a typical I-banker -- works a hundred hours a week on Wall Street and spends the rest of his time on strippers and coke.
Junior analyst #2: That's so '80s!
Junior analyst #1: Totally '80s!
--LaGuardia Delta shuttle
They're Like Garbagemen
Black girl: So, she told me that she was into pussy and asked if I was, and I'm like, 'Ew, hell no!' That's just gross. I don't want to look at that. Vaginas are just nasty. Don't want to put my mouth on that shit.
Friend: Why not? Guys do all the time.
Black girl: Whatever -- that's their job. Haha, it's what they get.
--A train
The Ancient Mariner Now Works with an Accomplice
Drunk, nearly toothless hobo #1, putting arms around unsuspecting teens: Nigga, I would like to tell you a story!
Drunk, nearly toothless hobo #2, surprising teens from other side: Listen to his story, nigga. It's a wonderful story -- listen up.
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave