Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
August 2007 Archives
Please Go Stand Over There
Dude #1: Phew, it's warm down here.
Dude #2: Yeah, we should blow on each other.
--Crowded platform, 59th St
Overheard by: Lillian
Doesn't Mean Daddy Has to Hold Me Under Like That
Angry mom: Shut up! Stop crying like a wuss! You sound like a little girl!
Boy: 'Cause I don't wanna get wet! Tell him to stop!
Angry mom: Princess, you're already in the pool.
--Staten Island
I've Gotta Stop Dropping My Stuff
Dude on cell, leaning against door: Yeah, and then she texted me, 'I'm pregnant, you're the father,' and I stopped in the middle of the street and screamed, 'Fuck!'
NYU student pushing open door: Excuse me.
Dude, dropping cell: Fuck!
--NYU Library
Overheard by: Ms. Manners
Mello Asian
White suit to another, seeing Asian guy: I'm sure he'll help us. He's yellow... Uh, I mean, Asian...
--Q train, 14th & Union Square
Why Do All These People's Cell Phones Work on the Subway?
Ghetto nerd chick #1, to girl talking about Harry Potter on cell: Aw, hell, no she didn't! I have not been reading that shit since I was 13 to have the final ending fucked up by some crackwhore-looking bitch on her stupid pink faggot phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I'm going to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nuclear bomb the entire planet!
Ghetto nerd chick #2, into cell: I know, yeah... What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you believe that they killed off--
Ghetto nerd chick #1, covering her ears and singing: --Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala...
--S train
Fire Claims Lives of Hundreds of Potter Freaks; Arson Suspected
Frat boys shouting: Voldemort! Voldemort!
Gryffindor girl to friend: If that fucking Slytherin reads the last page aloud to me, I swear I'm going to shove this fucking wand up his nose!
--Harry Potter Midnight Madness Party, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Pat Miller
Hamilton Was Cute, but I Hear Lincoln Had a Giant Cock
White teen girl, about statue of Alexander Hamilton: Look at him! I mean, he's such a dreamboat... That's why he's my favorite federalist.
Mom: And what did your class call him?
White teen girl: Hammy! And he was big pals with B-Frank, and Johnny Ads, and G-Dubya, and J-Marsh, and... And... And I can't remember any more founding fathers, but of course they all had their own gangsta names, too. They were big pimpin' over there in Independence Hall. The only things they were missing were the hos... And that's why Abby A. wanted them to remember the ladies.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: That other girl
Or I Could Revive with Cocaine, Like Casey Over There
Conductor #1: There is a train ahead of us at the station. We'll be moving shortly.
Conductor #2: The D just crossed in front of us. Now there's an A and a D. I'm tired, too. I was out 'til four AM last night. I'm gonna take a nap!
--A train
Overheard by: is this man ok to drive?
The Circle of Life
Panhandler: I scored 50 bucks off those assholes today.
Drug dealer: Sweet. You wanna buy some pot?
Panhandler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.
--St. John's Pl & Underhill Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who always suspected this
In Which Case He Should Be Euthanized
Rushing dad dragging kid along: Well, most super guys are good guys.
Four-year-old son: No, some super guys are bad.
Rushing dad: What would make a super guy a bad super guy?
Four-year-old son: Well, he might suck. Like, if he couldn't walk fast...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: klutch
Any Excuse for Balloons
Teen #1: Yo, I think Johnny graduated high school this year!
Teen #2: Are you sure, yo? That don't sound like him.
Teen #1: Yeah. I walked by his house the other day and there were balloons and shit.
Teen #2: Shit, that don't mean nothin'. That nigga always be celebratin' somethin'.
--Port Authority
You're So Creative -- I Wish I Was Dying
Hipster girl #1: Did I tell you what I'm doing with my MRI prints?
Hipster girl #2: No!
Hipster girl #1: I'm making them into a purse!
--Driggs & N 10th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Lauren
Happiness Is a Warm Gun
Hipster chick, with gun charm on necklace: Can I get a Diet Coke?
Greek clerk: I like that gun. It looks like the one I keep under my mattress.
--Canal & Eldridge
I Just Won't Date a Girl Who Smells Worse Than Me
Chick: Are you sure you're not gay?
Hipster dude: Yes.
Chick: But you're so picky and shallow about girls.
Hipster dude: No, I'm not.
Chick: You said you wouldn't date Kelsey because she has dirt under her nails.
Hipster dude: Well, yeah!
Chick: See?
Hipster dude: No.
--NYU
Hairy, and His Lips Are Always Flapping
Five-year-old son: Why does everybody call Daddy a pussy? And what is that?
Mother: Daddy is the definition of a pussy.
--Prada store, Soho
Overheard by: Sandra Dittmeyer Hunter Jones
Too Bad We Can't Say the Same for You
Drunk boyfriend at party: Babe, get me some chicken on a stick.
Annoyed girlfriend: Get it yourself.
Drunk boyfriend: But I might make a mess and embarrass you...
Annoyed girlfriend: I don't care anymore.
Girl passerby, handing him chicken on a stick: Here, have some chicken!
Annoyed girlfriend: Maybe you should date her.
Male passerby: Yeah, she seems like a keeper.
--Gibson Studios, W 54th, between 9th & 10th
His Sister Is This Chick
Frat boy: Yo, those chicks are hot. Let's cat-call them. How do you cat-call?
Friend: Ummm...
Frat boy, yelling: Cat-call! This is an official cat-call!
--E Houston & Mulberry
Overheard by: barapa
But It Was Always Business
Old frat boy #1: So, I heard you have a pee fetish.
Old frat bay #2: I'm not gonna lie, I've peed on some girls in my day.
Old frat boy #1: Awesome.
--Bar, Spring St
He's Going to Be One Disappointed Dead Guy
Teen boy #1: We've had three or four pregnancy scares.
Teen boy #2: What?!
Teen boy #1: Yeah. One time it turned out she just skipped her period... But it just feels so good to finish inside! It feels heavenly. It's probably what it feels like to meet God.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Taylor
For Her, Beauty Is Only Foreskin Deep
Chick #1, pointing at man leaving: That guy's fly was open the entire ride.
Chick #2: Wow, you're so observant. You notice everything.
Chick #1: I'm just really superficial.
--L train
I Would Date That Rock
Comic geek: Talking kryptonite?! That was the worst thing ever!
Cute employee: Oh, yeah?
Comic geek: Yeah! A couple years ago they did a story that was narrated by Arkham Asylum. I mean, that made sense. Fuckin' Arkham! But talking kryptonite? What the fuck is that?
Other employee: Maybe it wasn't kryptonite. Maybe it was just a rock with green paint and low self-esteem.
--Midtown Comics, Grand Central
Who Would Be Middle Aged And Be Sober?
Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it's not even four PM!
Friend: She's not drunk, it's just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But... Who would wear high heels and be sober?
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: eliza... the one with the heels
Headline by: Lalaith
Runners-Up:
· "British Comedians in Drag?" - Barry P.
· "I'll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex" - Martin de Bruin
· "She's Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway." - eric bostrom
· "The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds" - Cecilia
· "With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure." - Jon T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Spent an Hour in Her Driveway This Morning Telling Her Car to Go
Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm.
Woman: How I do that?
Clerk: With the keypad you're holding.
Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!
--Electronic store, Times Square
Overheard by: French dude
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You're lucky it's me. In the real world--
Girl holding tally sheet: --In the real world people wouldn't take it there.
--NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she's lucky i'm gay
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
--Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel
Waiter, There's a Fly in My Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: I'm on my way to Outback Steakhouse! No one knows I go there.
--E 13th & 5th
Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel.
--Au Bon Pain, 8th St
Pixie-hipster girl: Yeah, y'know, I haven't done much since I moved here. I've mostly been walking around the village eating at vegan restaurants.
--Rocks Off Concert Cruise
Loud chick on cell: You know I don't believe in going to chains in New York...
--Cosi, 77th & Broadway
Overheard by: me neither
Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!
--Little West 12th & 9th
Overheard by: j9
Wednesday One-Liners Have Lipstick on Their Collars
Chick on cell: It was amazing! We spent the entire night together. We really connected. It just doesn't seem like his wife knows him at all... Well, okay, Dad, gotta run. Love you, too.
--Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
JAP with coldsore: I can't date Jewish guys anymore. I mean, I really like Jewish guys, but I can't stand them. Just because I'm dating someone, it doesn't mean I can't have sex with someone else!
--Murray Hill Diner
Chick: I thought it was bad being cheated on with an underage albino, but at least she wasn't a fat tranny.
--42nd St
Girl on cell: I really had to talk about it, and I knew I couldn't leave anything about our relationship on his answering machine! His wife listens to that! And his kids!
--67th & Broadway
Hipster chick: The married one I was having an affair with -- if he MySpaced me, it'd be rude not to MySpace his wife, right?
--Mott & Prince
Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business
Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where's my wife? If I come home and you're still there, I'm going to stick a hot sausage up there... A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we'll see who gets which one first.
--President & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Chick: I don't know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I'm already really far up his ass already...
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Alan
Hipster girl: ... And then he had his finger up my boyfriend's asshole!
--Cargo Cafe, Staten Island
Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I'll worship you. Screw school -- you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, 'Ta-da!'
--CCNY
Overheard by: Liz
Don't Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Twist!
Hot British chick on cell, looking through her bag: Oh, dear! I still have your knickers!
--Outside FIT
Overheard by: epsd101
Disgusted teen to pals: You don't put dirty underwear in a Marc Jacobs handbag!
--75th & Park
Overheard by: Oh to be Priveledged...
Whiny girl: I feel so shitty tonight, like if my D cups were B cups or something.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Trixie
Asian guy to another: By the end of the summer, both of us better be A cups!
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Girl: What do you mean you don't know?! Look in your underwear!
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: Thinking about my tighty-whities
Wednesday One-Liners Give a Hoot and Don't Pollute
Conductor: Last call for trash... Last call for trash... One last, desperate call for trash...
--Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering why he wanted trash so badly
Lady: I can say this without any rancor in my heart: She is a piece of human garbage.
--Houston & Hudson
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
JAP on cell: Ugh, I hate when they ask me to buy a Coach purse! I wouldn't even buy it retail. Like, really, do I look like white trash?
--Canal St
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a reminder not to litter on the trains... 'Cause if you litter, I'll get all up in your grill like George Foreman. Thank you.
--R train, Whitehall station
Overheard by: creepy
Guy on cell: Guess what I did yesterday? I peed in a bottle... Wait, that's not even the best part! Afterward, I threw it down the trash chute. What? Too much information?
--33rd St, between 3rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Without Wednesday One-Liners, the Terrorists Win
Teacher to student: You don't look like a golfer; you look like a terrorist.
--Brooklyn Tech
Flyer guy: No one goes to those run-of-the-mill Broadway shows on a Saturday night! The only people going to them is the Bin Laden family, and you don't want to sit next to them. They'll blow you to smithereens!
--Times Square
Overheard by: annahj
Young kid, about fireworks nearby: Look, Mommy! They're planning a terrorist attack!
--13th & 2nd
Dude: Prisons are nice, man. I'd rather go to prison than be out here with the terrorists! it's safer in prison.
--Court & Livingston, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cary
Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?
20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?
--Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison
Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?
--Port Authority
High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what's that mall over there?!
--64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter
Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier
Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Bring a Dripping, Burning Sensation
High school chick: You can totally get rid of syphilis with a pill. I know, because my boyfriend gave it to me.
--Gravy Restaurant, Brooklyn
Hipster to friend: If it's me we're talking about, I'd rather have HIV than syphilis. But that's just me.
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: passerby
Teen girl on cell: There's no way I'm inviting her to my Sweet Sixteen. I mean, she gave my brother herpes!
--Urban Outfitters, Soho
JAP on cell: Ummm... Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don't think I'll get AIDS, do you?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Christina
Old lady on cell: Well, HIV isn't contagious...
--JFK
WASP lady on cell: Woo-hoo! Herpes! Mexican herpes! Yay!
--57th & Madison
Overheard by: benvolio
Excited white gangsta: ... And all's they did was take some blood from the baby and sees that it had gonorrhea, and I was cleared!
--148th & 3rd, Bronx
Homer Simpson Loves His Spider-Wednesday One-Liners
Girl: I was afraid I was going to say something like, 'I named my fetal pig after you!'
--40th & 8th
Man: Sent him a picture -- it wasn't him. When he got there, it was a fat little pig...
--43rd & 9th
Overheard by: cjs
UWS mom to baby in stroller: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, this little piggy had tofu, this little piggy had none... And this little piggy went, 'Wee, wee, wee!' all the way home.
--1 train, 79th St
Overheard by: PJ
Woman: Pigs are much happier in Europe. I know.
--Court St., Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Katie Bunny
Wednesday One-Liners Are Real, and They're Spectacular
Huge black lady: 'Nequa! [Skinny girl does not respond, but continues napping on her friend's pillow-like chest.] 'Nequa! I said get up offa my bress!
--E 125th St
Black dude to chick: Stop touching my titties! I'm gonna bite you in your strong-ass shoulder.
--Times Square
20-ish girl: My third tit is in the shop.
--Fabiane's, Williamsburg
Overheard by: olga
Chick to doughnut: Don't go to my stomach, okay? Just go to my titties.
--125th & Broadway
White guy holding hands with Asian girl: Okay, well, how do you say, 'May I please grab your boobies'?
--46th & 9th
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Kiss on the Mouth
Guy: Man, I don't have any money... I wish I was a prostitute.
--Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Kay
Man on cell: She ain't gettin' it. I'll tell you what we're going to do -- we're going to fire all the women. The one time a month we need 'em, we'll hire hookers.
--Washington Square Park
Man on cell: Don't call her a prostitute! That's my mom you're talking about. You lived with her -- was she a prostitute then? No, she was not!
--92nd & 1st
Overheard by: Jessie's Girl
Suit: So have you considered prostitution? I'm not saying you should do it, but have you thought about it?
--N train
Hipster: She was movie hooker! You hardly ever see a movie hooker in real life!
--Central Park
Overheard by: wondering what they were talking about
JAP on cell: Fulton Street is big! Not as big as your appetite for hookers, but big enough!
--Broadway & Nassau
Overheard by: nbtd
Guy to friends at table: My dad owns a crackwhore house, and he wonders why his electric bills are so high!
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Genna and Elaina
Madame Blavatsky's Secret Wednesday One-Liners
Frumpy drunk lady to NYU kids: When we were cavemen we were more telepathic.
--Essex Ale House
Overheard by: jen
Ghetto chick arguing with coworker: ... And I won't be dealing with you for the simple fact that I don't like your aura!
--Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital
Overheard by: tricia
Conductor to bewildered passenger who missed his stop: So, you remember when I was sayin' that if you aren't in the first five cars the doors wouldn't open at South Ferry? Well, you weren't in the first five cars, and the doors didn't open at South Ferry. I'm fuckin' psychic like that.
--1 train platform, Rector St
Overheard by: Scott
Girl on date: So it's really bad, 'cause I've got this thinking problem. It's like, I can't ever concentrate because I'm just always thinking! ... So, let me tell you why numerology cards work best for Scorpios.
--122nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Big black guy on cell: Hope you meditate yourself into a coma!
--Lawrence St
Then Made Me Promise Not to Tell Mom
Guy #1: I never peed on anybody. Never.
Guy #2, quietly: You peed on me in the shower.
--53rd & 9th
Will My Friend's Gnashing Teeth Do?
Junkie girl: Hey... Can you watch my stuff? My friend is overdosing.
Drunk guy: Ummm, I guess...
Junkie girl: There's a can of beans in it for you.
Drunk guy: Do you have a can opener?
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: C
A Cautionary Tale about Empire-Waist Shirts
Ice cream vendor: Why don't you go for it? You are eating for two!
Woman: I am not eating for two.
--Union Square Farmer's Market
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
Does He Fight You for It?
Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swallow his ejacu-- Ejacu--
Drunk girl #2: It's 'ejaculate.'
Drunk girl #1: Is that normal?
--Manhattan-bound L train
Overheard by: What is normal?
Hitler: If Only I Had Thought of That!
Girl: Are you freaking kidding? We'll get arrested!
British boy: No one gets mad at people with accents.
Girl: I don't have an accent, in case you hadn't noticed.
German boy in wheelchair: They can't get mad at me! I'm foreign! And I can't walk!
--Central Park
Um, Will We Still Be Family?
Tourist: Could you give us directions to Olive Garden?
NYer: No, but I could give you directions to an actual Italian restaurant.
--23th & 5th
Nerds: We're Okay with Being Tried on for Size!
Bimbette: Look, it's not like I mind tall, dark, and handsome, but it's like, 'Look at me -- I'm hot... I should be able to nab a nerd.'
Friend: Nerds aren't like shoes -- you can't just try them on for size. They have feelings, too.
Bimbette: And glasses.
--34th & Lex
I'm More Law-Review-White
White boy #1: Hey, do you watch wresting?
White boy #2: No, I'm not that white.
--Columbia University
It's Sweet, New York Style
Gaggle of drunk women to friend with tiara: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!
Wasted stranger dude: Happy biiirthday, dear whoever-the-fuck-you-are!
--C train
Overheard by: i sang along too
... From a Hideous Douchebag
Dude on motorcycle handing rose to girl: A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady.
Girl: Ew.
--W 4th St
But I'd Trade It All for a Bigger Ding-a-Ling
Indian guy #1: What would you rather have: the bling-bling or the ching-ching?
Indian guy #2: Well, I would have the ching-ching because you cannot have the bling-bling without the ching-ching.
--R train
Overheard by: Richard
My Daddy Says He Has a Very Expensive One on His Back
JAP #1: If you had the chance to hold a monkey, but you had to pay, like, five dollars for it, would you do it?
JAP #2: Oooh, uh-uh. Ain't no monkey worth five dollars of my time.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: sarah+ryan
This Might Have Continued Indefinitely Had It Not Been for the Robbery
Customer: Hi, I'd like a ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: We're out of roast beef.
Customer: A ham and cheese sandwich, please.
Deli worker: I told you, there's no roast beef.
Customer, slower: A sandwich with ham and cheese?
Deli worker: But there's no roast beef.
--Broadway & Exchange
She Learned Perspective from Egyptian Art
Dude: Remember that barge that was right on the horizon of the beach on Sunday?
Chick: Yeah, why?
Dude: How far away do you think it was?
Chick: I have no clue. A thousand feet, maybe?
Male passenger: Actually, the horizon at sea level is six to eight miles away.
Chick: So, less than a thousand feet?
--PATH train
Overheard by: Augie
City Dog Ownership Is More about the Owner Than the Dog
Woman: See? She is a good dog!
Child: Except when she eats her own poop.
--Carmine & Varick
Overheard by: Marcy
And Temperance
Woman #1: My students are sooo homophobic.
Woman #2: You should make them drink their way to tolerance!
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ladle
Butt Light?
Grumpy tourist father: I'm gonna stick that Shirley Temple where the sun don't shine!
Tourist son: But I have light in my butt!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: supersillious
Not with That Haircut, You're Not
Hefty guy: Excuse me, I really need to go to the bathroom. Can I go in front of you?
Woman in front of him in line: I'm in a rush, too.
Hefty guy, to no one: Can you believe this city? Everyone is in a rush. Everyone is rude. I just need to go to the bathroom... No one will ever help you out.
Woman in front of him: Sir, you are the one that is being rude.
Hefty guy, yelling: I am not a sir, I am a ma'am! [Silence ensues.]
--CVS, 64th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shannon
When I'm Not Traveling with My Softball Team
Lesbo: I'm just sick of everyone stereotyping and treating people based on race, sexual orientation, or whatever.
Staight woman: Yeah, it's hard to avoid.
Lesbo: I know! And it's like 2007! Everyone's gay or lesbian. The stereotyping is everywhere -- school, the gym, work.
Straight woman: Oh, where do you work?
Lesbo: Home Depot.
--4 train
Overheard by: Stephen Fargo
Buy Our Crap -- You Know You Want It
Man #1: Do you believe the crap they have on those sites?
Man #2: These days most sites seem to sell crap only to make money off dumbass readers...
--14th & University Pl
I Had No Idea You Were That Sort of Person
Teen girl #1: What do you want to do now?
Teen girl #2: Get something to eat.
Teen girl #1: Ew!
--59th & Columbus
It's a Technical Term
NYU chick #1: ... And, y'know, some kind of adenine, guanine, trampoline chemical thingie.
NYU chick #2: Er. You mean 'thymine'?
NYU chick #1: That's what I said.
--Waverly & University
Hot Dogma
Hot dog vendor: How you like it?
Tourist: Just ketchup, please.
Hot dog vendor: You not like New York style?
Tourist: Sure, but not today.
Hot dog vendor, reluctantly handing over dog: I think you make very big mistake today, sir, and every day, too.
--Battery Park
Headline by: fru
Runners-Up:
· "Just Guessing by That Izod Shirt You Are Wearing" - anne nahm
· "New York Style Always Leaves Me A Little Sore Thanks" - Uulargh of the Prairie
· "New York Style Means the Attitude's Free" - Christine
· "New York Style? How Do They Fit 'Fuck You' In A Bun?" - Taylor
· "New York Style: Mustard, Sauerkraut, Judgement" - kimathi
· "Street Meat, the Best Population Control Money Can Buy." - Chance
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Will She or Won't She?
Drunk boyfriend: Come over here!
JAP girlfriend: Ask nicely!
Drunk boyfriend: Please, bitch, come over here!
--50th & 3rd
Overheard by: REGGIE FACE
Now I Shit in a Bag -- Totally Worth It
20-ish music enthusiast #1: Man, their last concert was so great -- I got hospitalized right after.
20-ish music enthusiast #2: Seriously?!
20-ish music enthusiast #1: Yeah, man. I guess I suffered some abdominal tearing...
--Metro-North
Overheard by: gotta start driving to work again...
Does He Have the Time?
Man: Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?
Girl with headphones: No thanks, I have a boyfriend.
--PATH train, 33rd St
Life's Always Interfering with My Drug Habits
Girl #1: I think I have to stop eating cheese.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I get this really awful nasal drip and it makes me cough so bad that sometimes I even throw up!
Girl #2: That happens because of cheese?
Girl #1: Well, I think it's also because of drinking and smoking... But I can figure out other ways to eat, but I don't know how else to get fucked up!
--Stir Cafe
Overheard by: Tom Banjo
Is Your Husband This Straight Guy?
Queer #1: I kind of like Barack Obama. He's cute.
Queer #2: If I didn't have a husband, I would be so far up Barack Obama's ass that if anyone pulled me out they would become King of England.
--115th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Nathan
Oh, Oh -- Stand Back!
Young woman: I drink a tea for that.
Middle-aged yenta: Does it make you poop? I should drink some of that.
Young woman: You couldn't handle it.
Middle-aged yenta: Is it that bad?
Young woman: No, you just don't know when to expect it. It could come at any time.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Heather
There Are a Lot of Job Openings in the Masturbatory Arts
Friend's mom: So, Michelle said you just graduated. What is your degree in, Jessica?
Recent grad: I did! My major was Psychology, but I have a minor in Sex. Well, they call it 'Sexual Studies.'
Friend's mom: That's great. Do you plan on teaching with it or...?
Recent grad: I could teach sex-ed, but I want to do something hands-on.
--Starbucks, Union Square
Overheard by: Melissa H.
Nobody Really Knows Anybody
Woman: Karen's gone. She resigned. She's going to California to be with some boy.
Man: Wow, that's scary.
Woman: Yeah. Especially since when I first met her she was a lesbian.
--Wagner College, Staten Island
When Goth Club and the Gay Caucus Meet at the Same Time
Thugette #1: What's it gonna be, girl? The dick or the blood?
Thugette #2: The blood, girl. It's always the blood!
--Queens Library, Jamaica
Overheard by: Whatthefuckaretheytalkingabout?
Why J.Lo and Affleck Broke Up
Teen boy: You need to stop eating Chinese food.
Teen girl: Why?
Teen boy: Because then your ass is gonna get bigger, and then I'm gonna have to rape you.
Teen girl: Why you gotta say it like that? Why can't you just say 'blow my back out' or something? You rape me, then you'll go to jail.
Teen boy: So?
Teen girl: Then you're gonna get raped!
--Chinese restaurant, Coney Island
It's Been Good Not Talking to You
Guy: You know it was just like...
Girl: Yeah...
--88th & 2nd
You Leave It Where It Is but Secretly Know It Belongs to You Now
Conductor: Due to a stalled train at Lorimer Street, there is no L service to Manhattan.
Hispanic lady: Why would someone stole a train? Where they gonna put it?
--M train
Don't We All, Buddy
New Indian cashier: I don't have any change. How do I get more change?
Old Indian cashier: Call on the intercom for the manager to come to the front.
New Indian cashier, over intercom: Manager to the front, please. I need change, please. I badly need change.
--Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway
How're Those for the First Two Lines of My Haiku?
Bimbette #1: Well, we weren't, like, BFF, but we were, like... F...?
Bimbette #2, nodding knowingly: Mmm.
--Elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: MarcusII
And I'm Not Such a Dirty Bad Girl!
Smirking biker: Beep beep!
Angry girl: You ain't a car!
--Lincoln Center
What? It's Important to Coordinate
Woman #1: Are those pants see-through?
Woman #2: No! That means I would be bare-chested.
--YMCA, 9th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chandra Smith-Thomas
Only on the Outside, Honey
Mom: I need a size 'Small.'
Little girl, loudly: Mommy, aren't you a Large?
--H&M, 51st & 5th
Overheard by: Pooja
But We Wish to Meet Your Friend
Chick #1: Oh my god, her bathroom smelled so bad! Like feet!
Chick #2: Like vagina.
Chick #1: Like foot marinated in vagina! [They realize two guys are watching, bemused.]
Guy with friend: Um... We don't speak English.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: I actually know those girls
I Could Go for a Nice, Juicy Quarterback with Cheese
Bowl-cut elementary schoolboy #1: ... And there'd be football players in the middle of nowhere!
Bowl-cut elementary schoolboy #2: In December...
Bowl-cut elementary schoolboy #1, in deep, slow voice: In my tummy.
--Central Park South
Overheard by: A. Card
She's More of a Potsticker Kind of Driver
Small boy pointing to stick shift: What's that?
Uncle: That's the stick shift for driving the car.
Small boy: Oh. Does Auntie drive a fish stick ,too?
--Yankee Stadium parking lot
The Lindsay Lohan/Hillary Duff Feud: Explained
Teen girl #1: See, this is why we can't be friends.
Teen girl #2: What? We can't be friends because I won't join you in an orgy.
Teen girl #1: Yes, exactly.
--74th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dani
All Indicators Are Green, Sir
Guy: Do you know how a penis works?
Chick: Yeah, but they are usually in my mouth.
--Houston St
Overheard by: HA
Read All about It: Paper Guy Slain by Fashion Victim
Newspaper guy: Read all about it: girl passing me right now has holes in her jeans.
Girl with holy jeans: They're made like that, asshole.
--Port Authority
Everyone Knows Madame Curie's That Trannie Who Paints Nails at the Beauty Bar
Hipster dude: ... And she ended up renting some movie about Madame Curie.
Hipster chick: That's the wax lady, right? Over at Times Square? I didn't know there was a movie about her.
Hipster dude: I hate you.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Red Genesis
Oh, You Know It?
Frat boy #1: Dude, you got really skinny. What's going on with you? Are you sick or something?
Frat boy #2: Yeah, bro, I have IBS -- Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Frat boy #1: You shittin' me!
--91st & 1st
Overheard by: AZS
... Without Discussing the Socio-Political Ramifications of It First
Hoochie: He thought I was boring because I wouldn't blow him.
--34th & 6th
Portrait of a Man Wondering If She's Worth It
Drunk chick: Oh my god, you look like the last tsunami!
Guy with really short hair: What?
Drunk chick: I said you look like that last tsunami guy in the Tom Cruise movie!
Guy with really short hair: You mean The Last Samurai?
Drunk chick: Oh, yeah. Him.
--Party, 46th & 8th
Shhh -- It Sounds Socially Responsible
Guy: They have biodegradable scrubbies.
Chick: Mmm-hmmm, yeah.
Guy: What the hell does that mean?
--The Fairway, Red Hook
Overheard by: Kyle
It's Worth the Extra Money for a Quality Makeup Remover
Chick: Wow...
Middle-aged man: Yeah, girl, when I get home it all comes off!
--23rd & Park
Overheard by: Black in Queens
Wow. Free Sperm. Thanks, Ted.
Dude: I fuckin' love you.
Chick: I love you, too.
Dude: I will always love and respek you.
Chick: [Coos.]
Dude: You were born into this life to be a woman, to be a wife, and to be a motha.
Chick: [Bats eyes.]
Dude: And I am going to make you a motha.
--M60 bus, 116th St
Tonight's Movie: Prelude to a Piss
Doctor: You really think I look like Rick Springfield?
Hobo: Oh, yeah. Could be his twin.
Doctor, singing: Jesse's girl... I wanna be... [Hobo joins him singing and pees on the bench.]
--Union Square
Overheard by: tantorigor
Dude, Some of Its Sections Have Sections
Tourist #1: Why is New York called 'The Village'?
Tourist #2: Huh? Oh, no. Greenwich Village. It's a section of New York.
Tourist #1: Why does it need sections?
Tourist #2: 'Cause it's huge. It's like the size of Chicago or something.
--13th & 4th
Overheard by: Couldn't help but laugh
Tan Fades. Death Is Forever.
Bench chick #1: You know you can get, like, melanoma or skin cancer without suntan lotion.
Bench chick #2: So? At least I'll die tan.
--NYU
Overheard by: chelsea
Hip Hop's Next Craze
NYU boy, about man with cane and sunglasses: Why do all blind people have to wear sunglasses?
NYU girl: Isn't it all part of the persona?
NYU boy: What, like they don't want me to see their eyes?
NYU girl: I guess. And like how they wear baggy pants and FUBU shit.
NYU boy, slowly, after long pause: I said 'blind people.'
--F train, 14th St
Overheard by: Lindsay
So Much for That Stereotype
Teacher: And Montana--
Asian girl, interrupting: --Wait, isn't Montana somewhere near Germany along with Maine?
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
And Not the Mainstream Kind, Either
Teen step-daughter, looking at skater shoes: I love these shoes! If I saw a guy wearing these shoes, I'd be totally into him.
Suit: Yeah, but not for a 34-year-old.
Teen step-daughter: I know lots of 34-year-olds that would wear these.
Suit: Yeah, they work at the movie theater.
--Vintage clothing store
Overheard by: Sean B
Have You Considered That Her Ass Might Taste Like Bitter Melon?
Man #1: Have you ever tasted Bitter Melon?
Man #2: Yeah, and it tastes exactly like shit.
Man #1: How do you know what shit tastes like?
Man #2, motions head towards wife: From licking her ass.
--Wo Hop, 17 Mott St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Or Rubber and Easily Stored?
Black teen #1: I got a new girlfriend.
Black teen #2: Is she nice and thick or big and nasty?
--J train
At Least in the Wolf's Version of the Story
Little girl: Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, and their names were Elana, Jessica, and... And Daddy Midget.
Uncle: That best not be me.
Man: You the daddy?
Uncle: Naw, I'm the uncle. But I'm the only daddy around.
Little girl: ... And they lived together...
Uncle: I know, I'm probably the wolf.
Little girl: And there was a big bad wolf, and his name was Uncle Greg*.
Uncle: That's right, I'd best be the wolf.
Little girl: And they lived happily ever after.
--Subway station, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
I Know a Great Heroin-Addict Nun I Could Set Him Up With
Girl: We just came here and talked about each other's families. He has a brother with a gambling problem.
Guy: Alright! The good stuff!
Girl: Yeah, his brother used to be a trappist, but now he has a serious gambling problem.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Kira
Well, Since You Called Me "Normal" -- How's Eight O'Clock?
Hobo: Are the raindrops only falling on me? Does anyone feel this?
Girl: I think it's everyone...
Hobo: Now that I got you to talk to me, want to go out tonight? [Girl ignores him.] What?! I had a beautiful girl last night -- I can't get a normal one today?!
--Union Square
At Least for the Rabbit
Hipster: Why you wearin' such a big hat?
Junkie wearing top hat: It's not just a hat -- it's a port-a-potty.
--E Houston near Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Trust Me -- I'm Your Fairy Godmother
Girl, as phone vibrates in her pocket: Oh, that scared me! My phone always scares me when it vibrates like that!
Old lady in bike shorts: Girl, you should never let a vibrator scare you!
--Starbucks
It's Your Fault If I Don't Attain Samadhi
Four-year-old boy in Superman cape being carried by exhausted mom: Owie! Owie, owie, owie! [Mom sets him down.] Now I won't even be able to do yoga!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: bemused bostonian
Big, Chewy Mouthfuls of Food-like Goodness
NYU girl #1: I like PowerBars.
NYU girl #2: I like Cliff Bars.
NYU girl #3: But the thing with all those bars is you have to chew them so much.
NYU girl #1: That's why I like them -- I feel like I'm actually eating something.
--Waverly Pl
Overheard by: Mae
Better Known as Stubbleday
Hoochie #1: I need to shave.
Hoochie #2: So, you'll shave when you get back.
Hoochie #1: I can't.
Hoochie #2: Why not?
Hoochie #1: It's no-shave Wednesday.
--F train
It's Funny, Though -- She Never Calls
Bimbette: Yeah, me and Beyoncé is friends on MySpace. She invites me to all the hot events, like her concerts and parties. She even bulletins me.
Boyfriend: For real?
Bimbette: Yeah, we's like best friends.
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Is not friends with Beyonce :(
This nigga on Overheard
Thug #1: We don't even go to the movies or nothin'. She just comes over to smash it and then she leaves. She knows, too. She just comes over for some pipin'.
Thug #2: That's where it's at.
Thug #1: She got a 10-year-old li'l nigga, too. She knows not to ask for somethin' serious. That li'l nigga in fifth grade! That nigga on MySpace!
--Houston & Suffolk
Overheard by: Rhymes With Lasagna
Headline by: ja
Runners-Up:
· "...And "To Catch A Predator"" - Stuck in the MidWest
· "He Comes Over for Some Pipin' Too." - Courtney
· "I Just Have to Wait for Her to Be in Eigth." - Snark Sloper
· "That Li'l Nigga Gots Roast Beef and This Li'l Nigga Gots None." - johnnyb
· "The Nucular Family" - Bill
· "The Waltons, 2007" - G'night, John Boy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
On the Way to a PFLAG Meeting
Ghetto mama: Gimme some of yo' Skittles, boy.
Little boy: No, they be my Skittles.
Ghetto papa: Boy, you best to give yo' mama some Skittles or yo' ass is nevah gonna taste that rainbow again.
--1 train
Look, the Train Is Dragging Her! Haha!
Skater kid #1: Dude, why did they close the door on your grandma?
Skater kid #2: I don't know -- least she won't be seen with us.
Skater kid #1: Haha, true.
--Q train
Overheard by: Nicole
At Least I Still Have the Rats to Flush for Me
Girlfriend: There's too many roaches in the apartment!
Boyfriend: Look, no matter where you go in New York there's going to be a lot of roaches.
Girlfriend: Shut up! I'm from the goddamn city! I don't want roaches crawling on me when I'm pooping!
--Maujer St, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pricks
Teen to friends: Yo, who is he? He can't stop your dick from goin' where it wants to go.
--125th St station
Overheard by: But I can...
Kid emerging from Sex Ed class: So, if we look at the penis that is Manhattan Island, your house is right on the frenulum.
--Hunter College High
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman on phone: I know, he's an alright guy, it's just that he won't stop runnin' his mouth. I'm telling you, we were making love and he was telling me how his freakin' day was! I found myself wishing I had a dick just so I could stick it in his mouth and get some quiet!
--D'Agostinos, between 79th & 80th
Overheard by: BritBoy
Drunk frat boy: I'm going to miss you guys! I'm losing the greatest penis in the world!
--Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Hobo: When life gives you lemons... you show me how big your penis is! Haha! Bet you didn't know I was going to say that, did ya? Did ya, you cracker faggot?!
--79th & Columbus
Overheard by: not white and straight
Wednesday One-Liners Pull Their Pants Up to Their Nipples
Old lady hoochie with buck teeth, on cell: I have no fucking idea what I did between August and yesterday...
--183rd & Ft. Washington Ave
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Old man: Sex has changed since I last had it.
--14th & 7th
Irritated old fart: If we end up on Eighth Avenue, it'll be a tragedy!
--C train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Emily B.
Old man: What do they smoke up here?
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Really Just Surf the Internet All Day
20-something chick: You know, Hillary, this is the time in your life when you can go to work hung over.
--Shiki, St. Mark's & 1st
Overheard by: Alison R.
Subway musician: Hey, boys and girls, today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. Yeah, take your kid to work, leave them, and go to TGI-Friday's! Read the contract, kids!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Scott
Black man on cell: What 'bout that shorty you work with? No, not the thick one... Yeah, the juicy one.
--Elevator, 605 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Sudden urge to eat steak
Tall man on cell: I wasn't drinking on the job! I was drinking before the job even started!
--Liberty & Church
Overheard by: pollie
Girl to boyfriend: Can't you be good at something besides getting fired?
--36th & Madison
Honor Thy Father and Wednesday One-Liners
Woman, about guy in giant pirate hat: Maybe he works in a seafood restaurant... It's that or his mom didn't love him enough.
--Ditmars stop, N train
Overheard by: fan of the hat
Woman to friend: I don't deserve to have ACS called on me! I'm a good mom! Sort of.
--Astoria Park Track, Astoria
Overheard by: Bridgettttttt
Loud man on cell: Can you hear me? Your mother! Can you hear me now? No? Your mother!
--83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Loud and Clear
Large black lady running down crowded street: My mama didn't raise me right!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: anna
You May Now Kiss the Wednesday One-Liner
Woman: Just because I'm married doesn't mean I have to touch him!
--W 32nd & 5th
Street preacher pointing at ladies in short skirts: We've gotta get them married! We can't be havin' them fornicating in the streets!
--59th & 5th
Lady on cell: I mean, there were some funny pictures... Whitney freaking on me just isn't what I had in mind... I just don't really want pictures of beer pong in my wedding album, y'know?
--Gramercy Park
20-ish girl on cell: Grandma, it is so important that you are at my wedding. I need to have you there... Dad and I were talking, and we're going to get you a refundable ticket... Just in case anything happens.
--Chinatownbus
Overheard by: Kaiti
Man to friend: No, it's over. We had the wedding planned and everything and then she never got a divorce.
--NJ Transit to Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners in the Hobosphere
Hobo: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Edwin, but you can call me 'Homeless Ed'... Or just 'Homeless' for short.
--A train
Hobo: Hey, y'all! I ain't gonna lie to you -- I am homeless, and I just want a piece of ass, some drugs, and a 40. Ten bucks for a piece of ass? Someone gonna give me some money for some crack cocaine?
--Line outside Roseland Ballroom, 52nd & Broadway
Hobo to horse leading carriage: Dude, you rock! [Gives horse a peace sign.]
--56th & 10th
Overheard by: PetRunner
Crazy hobo: Well, jumping Jehoshaphats! Some homeless person has abandoned his station! I will assume his identity and no one will ever know that I'm rich!
--3rd Ave, between 34th & 35th St
Overheard by: His secret's safe with me
Toothless hobo on stoop: Excuse me, sir, could you write me a check for five cents and I'll pay you back on Tuesday?
--7th & 2nd
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Fucking Glad It's Over
Conductor: This is Prince Street. Not Half-blood Prince Street, but Prince Street.
--N train
Overheard by: she later invited the passengers to debate whether snape was a criminal or a hero
30-year old fan: ... And then he sprinkled magic dust over her throbbing vagina...
--Book release, Spring & Mercer
Overheard by: santos l. halper
Man to five-year-old son: Yeah, you know Harry Potter is now in this play in London where he plays a naked guy that has sex with horses? Comin' to Broadway soon.
--Harry Potter Pl on Mercer St
Overheard by: i don't THINK that's how it goes actually...
Girl glancing at boy reading Deathly Hallows: Does Frodo die?
--Strings Attached Theater Company's performance of Life As We Know It
Wednesday One-Liners Work Just Like Ipecac
Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: #2
Drunk guy: Yeah, I'd pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.
--5th & Ave B
Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin' the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin' mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]
--Classroom, 106th & 1st
Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!
--JFK
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Scream 'Gender Surprise!'
Girl to friend: ... And it was like, 'Bam! I have a penis, too, man.'
--W 4th & 6th
Crazy guy: The revolution is in my pussy! The revolution is in my vagina!
--Washington Square Park
Prep school gangsta leaving train: Yo, man, grab his tits! Yeah!
--C train
Overheard by: Annearchist
Guy yelling into cell: I'm an intelligent woman! So I think...
--59th St, Columbus Circle
NYU chick: If I was a hermaphrodite, then I would totally understand what they were talking about.
--Shade, W 3rd & Sullivan
Say Hello to My Little Wednesday One-Liner!
Girl on cell: I don't like you, bye. No, I really don't like you. You're not my friend. Bye. No, I don't like you!
--Manhattan-bound Q train
Overheard by: I love you too... now shut up!
Security guard on phone: I have a lot of friends... I have a lot of friends. I don't need to live with my friends, under my house.
--Columbia University
Girl on cell: All I heard all night was, 'Oh my god, that's Rachel. I used to date her sister's roommate!' And, 'Oh my god, that's Evan. Her brother went to camp with my ex-girlfriend's cousin!' I'm either gonna have to learn how to fake-play Jewish geography, or find myself some non-Jewish friends... Yes, I realize neither of those is possible.
--33rd & 7th
Drunk lunatic screaming at another: Do you wanna die?! Or do you wanna be my friend?!
--31st & Broadway
Overheard by: please don't make me choose!
Conductor: Excuse me! Excuse me! A little frottage amongst friends never hurt anyone!
--Crowded Metro-North, New Haven Line
Overheard by: vanessa
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Doctor's Note
Chick to another: She's a weed-smoking, modern orthodox girl. I mean, I don't think she goes to her rabbi's high, but...
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: cole
Professor: ... So the art department on the set just smokes pot all day and paints blue boulders.
--Media Productions class, City College
Mini thug: Yo, I wouldn't even have to be high out of my mind to enjoy this shit!
--Brooklyn Cyclone, Coney Island
Overheard by: Alie
Smoking model on cell: Um, yeah, he's cute... But, duh -- he's addicted to opiates!
--Houston & Laffayette
Overheard by: Jake
Hobo to girls: How are you smiling in a city filled with a million crackheads?
--56th & 5th
Guy on a rant in front of Imagine mosaic: In my next life I want to be an amoeba! Make more music, smoke more pot... Eating healthily is expensive! We should all have 40 acres and a mule and start all over!
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: I'll have what he's having
Wednesday One-Liners Are One of the Properties of a Metal
Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.
--Long Beach-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Matt P.
Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard... And you don't want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place...
--Metro-North
Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you're having a bad day, don't try to have a good one. That's just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.
--6 train
Overheard by: freckles
Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?
Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.
--A train
Overheard by: McF.
Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.
--7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!
--Q train
Overheard by: Zvi
... Or One of My Exes?
Lady yelling at old guy: Where you goin' today, Harold?!
Old man, smiling: You my wife?
--Q station, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cloisterpunk
Can You Explain His Bowl Full of Jelly?
Old man: Hey, little girl, you dropped something.
Four-year-old girl to mom: I thought you said Santa Claus wasn't real!
--Times Square
Overheard by: sitting in a bush
A Loving God Has Made Us So
Puerto Rican girl: Yo, stop starin'.
Puerto Rican guy: Bitch, I gotta feed my eyes!
--3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: jharris
Ever See Good Wool Humping?
Guy #1: I was like, 'Chase me, pig-fucker.'
Guy #2: Pig fucking is sick... But sheep fucking is okay.
--107th & Broadway
Introducing the One Person in America Who Uses a Vibrator As a Massager
Biotech: Mary, go fuck yourself!
Mary: I... I don't know how.
--Grand & Roebling, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jordan Cooper
Tell Me More, Tell Me More
Girl: I would so date Danny Zucco. I mean, the character.
Boy: But he was a dick. I mean, a sweet dick in the end, but still a dick.
Girl: Well, I like sweet dicks... Oh, god.
--17th & 5th
Overheard by: widdershawns
If You're Not Over Yourself at 30, We're Not Friends Anymore
Chick: Before this summer, the last time I was in the city was winter break. Ben*'s fraternity was having a networking reception here and I came along as the trophy girlfriend, I guess.
Guy, coughing: Excuse me while I choke on all the WASP in that sentence.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Evie
That's Just What They'll Tell You When You Try to Ask for Directions
Little girl: Grandma, do people actually live in New York City?
Grandma: Yes, lots of people live in New York City.
Little girl, confused: But... don't they all not speak American?
Grandma: You're right, most of them speak Spanish.
--Penn Station
And This Is Why You Weren't Invited to Our Wedding
Chick: Oh, God! You remember Anna from high school?
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You know, the fuckin' ugly one?
Guy: Yeah, she's really nice.
Chick: I don't fucking care -- she is so fucking ugly! And I heard she's married now.
Guy: Yeah? Really?
Chick: Who the fuck would fuck her?
Guy: ... I did.
--F train
A Thug's Tail
Thugette #1: I'm gonna be gettin' me a mermaid tattoo.
Thugette #2: Mermaids? Hey, mermaids ain't no gangsta.
Thug: Yo, don't you be dissin' those mermaids. I'm down with the Little Mermaid.
--Times Square
Now Get Back Up on That Horse
Blonde: My boobs shrunk ever since I got that abortion.
Brunette: No, they still look good.
--Restroom, Crobar
Black People: We Knew It!
Black guy: Ah, shit, it's starting to rain.
White passerby: Let's make it rain on these niggas.
--Hudson & Spring
Overheard by: Jake Perlman-Garr
Dude, Would You Please Cowboy Up?
Desperate law student: But I love you!
Heartless biotech: That's your problem, not mine.
Desperate law student: I can't live without you.
Heartless biotech: So don't.
Desperate law student: You wouldn't even care if I killed myself, would you?
Heartless biotech: Not unless you decided to do it in front of my house and I had to have police and the media there. Then I'd be pissed.
Desperate law student: How can you be so cruel to someone who loves you so much?
Heartless biotech: Oh, just one thing -- if you do decide to kill yourself try to do it the week of August sixth, 'cause I'll be in Martha's Vineyard with Jason then.
--Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry - cringing with empathy
It's a Breach of the Consumer Code of Conduct
Mother with stroller #1: Nice shoes!
Mother with stroller #2: Thanks! They're my 18-dollar flip-flops! [Lowers voice] But we don't like to talk about that...
--18th & 7th
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee, Honey!
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess I should have seen it coming. I mean, he bought himself like every season of the Gilmore Girls. Nothing straight about that.
Girl #2: My boyfriend likes the Gilmore Girls.
Girl #1. Oh, well, yeah... I mean, it is a pretty good show.
Girl #2: He really has the hots for Lorelai.
Girl #1: Yeah, okay.
--Starbucks
And That's How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed
Bus rider, after bus detours: Hey, I wanted to get off at 106th! [Driver is silent. Passenger approaches him angrily.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Driver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus driver: I'm gonna stop this bus when I feel like stoppin' this bus, and then you are going to walk back to wherever you need to walk back to! I'm late and I ain't stoppin'!
Tamer rider minutes later, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stopping this bus again?
Bus driver: [Silence.]
--Bus #104, 108th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Humored Midwest tourist
We've All Thought about It
Snotty woman: Excuse me, your friend is throwing up. You need to do something about it.
Drunk girl: I didn't throw up, I fucking spit.
Friend: Shhh... Just ignore her.
Drunk girl: No, she's a bitch. I didn't do anything. I want to spit on her.
Friend: No! Let's go find another place to stand. [Drunk girl turns and spits on woman as she's leaving.] I can't believe you just did that! Walk faster before you get arrested!
--5th Ave
I Love That She Doesn't Vomit after Eating
College guy #1: So I was hooking up with her--
College guy #2: --Dude, she's kinda...
College guy #1: She's not that fat! She's average! I mean, she doesn't outweigh me or anything.
College guy #2: Dude, if you have to convince yourself that she's not fat, she's too fat.
--American Eagle, Union Square
Don't Fuck with My Inner Child, Kid
Lady: Stop it!
Rambunctious toddler: You shouldn't even be on this train!
Lady: Why?
Rambunctious toddler: Because I'll poop in your hair!
Lady: Poop in my hair? I'll poop in your mouth!
--N train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Steve
I Have to Admire Your Invincible Ignorance
Boyfriend: Yeah, we gotta get some oil.
Girlfriend: No, not oil, K-Y.
Boyfriend: Oil, K-Y -- it's the same thing.
Girlfriend: No, K-Y is a gel. It's water-based. Oil is not.
Boyfriend: Water and oil are, like, the same thing.
--F train
Overheard by: 2WongFu
Yeah, but Dads don't count
Girl #1: I am not a slut! You're the slut in this friendship! We agreed on this!
Girl #2: Okay, fine, you're not a slut... But you were straddling him.
--E train
Headline by: DanaLishs
Runners-Up:
· "I Think She Said It Best" - Lalaith
· "I Thought I Was the Slut and You Were the Gutter Slut?" - Molly
· "I Was Just Evening the Score. You're Too Far Ahead." - Jen M.
· "Mary Kate and Ashley, Drunk Again" - Mikey G.
· "Now Go Back to Munching My Box" - K to that B
· "With My Pinkie Out. Like a Lady." - Courtney from Arkansas
· "Yeah, but Only His Face" - Jason
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
"Why Is This Bite Different from All Other Bites?"
Lady #1: Did you hear about those priests molesting those children?
Lady #2: That's old news.
Lady #1: Nah, one was just convicted. But did you hear about the rabbis and circumcisions?
Lady #2: What? No. What happened?
Lady #1: Well, a rabbi got in trouble for circumcising some kids... with his mouth!
Lady #2: Ew, disgusting! He deserves to get in trouble.
--14A crosstown bus
Overheard by: gcat
Oooh, or a Squeegee Lady!
Yuppie girlfriend: I can't play this damn guitar!
Yuppie boyfriend: That's okay. If you can't play the guitar, you can always be a prostitute.
--A train
Overheard by: HC
How Can I Help with Your Typical Teenage Problems?
Teen: Are you there, God?
Techie in catwalks: Is that you, Margaret?
--Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: Ilysse
See You in Ten Years
Ghetto teen #1: He got like a 3.8 or somethin', and nigga cried.
Ghetto teen #2, to black girl squealing with laughter: You think it's funny, bitch?
--A train, 168th St
Was There Rat Kissing?
Seven-year-old girl: I'm going to see a movie this weekend. Can anyone guess what I'm going to see?
Seven-year-old boy: Ratatouille! I already saw it.
Seven-year-old girl: Yeah, I'm going to go see Ratatouille this weekend.
Seven-year-old boy: Yeah, I already saw it. And there's this one part -- yuck -- you don't want to see it. It's bad, you really don't want to see that part -- it's gross. [Whispers it to another kid.]
Seven-year-old girl: What? Is there kissing? I can see kissing... If you think I've never seen kissing before, there's kissing in every other movie I have ever seen in my life!
--Bleecker St playground
Dead or Alive!
Thugette: You a motherfucker.
Dirty thug: Yeah, I'm a motherfucker! If you've got a mother, I'll fuck her! I'm a motherfucker!
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Um... My Mistake?
Queer #1: He totally called me gay.
Queer #2: You sleep with men.
Queer #1: I don't sleep with men. I sleep with babies.
--23rd & 6th
Just Putting It Out There
Girl #1 to #2: You don't fuck bitches!
Girl #3, skipping out in front of gaggle: I do!
Girl #1 to #2: You don't fuck bitches!
Girl #3: I do! I'll put on a strap-on for you!
--25th & 8th
That Conversation Was Going Nowhere
Middle-aged woman: Spider-Man uses his spider sense to smell bad guys, but he can't use it to smell Venom.
Little boy: But Grandma, if he can't smell Venom, he's invisible!
Middle-aged woman: No, he can still see him, but he can't use his spider sense to smell him, so he's dangerous.
Little boy: Look, a parrot!
--Barnes & Noble, 86th St
Or at Least Let Me Go Down on You Again
Guy #1: Why you spoiling a girl who ain't putting out?
Guy #2: I'm bored.
Guy #1: Read a book, dumbass!
--A train
Overheard by: brian
Either Way, She's Easily Manipulated
Chick #1: So, just out of curiosity, this new girl he's seeing -- is she she cute?
Chick #2: She's okay, but I think she sort of looks like a Muppet.
Chick #1: Really? Well, that can go either way... She can be an ugly Muppet or a cute Muppet.
--Tribeca
Overheard by: aria grillo
I Panicked When I Ran Out of Fingers and Toes
Teen #1: We are going to 34th Street.
Teen #2: That's on 42nd, right?
Teen #1: Oh, you are so stupid.
--1 train
Paying More for Less Rocks
Little boy tugging on mom's arm: Mommy, why are we here?
Mom: Because everything's organic, sweetie.
Little boy, excitedly: I love organic!
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: Lacy
Never Knew Your Side of the Family Could Read
Suit, embarrassed after tapping man on shoulder: ... Sorry, I thought I knew you [starts to walk away].
Man he tapped: I'm your cousin!
--New York Public Library
Suckled by Big, Bad Wolves
NYU professor: So, you don't know who Robin Hood is or who the three little piggies are? Really? Where did you grow up?
Student: The Bronx.
--Politics class, NYU
Overheard by: jmd
Leaving Us with Exactly Nothing to Talk About
Chick #1: You should totally invite your brother to Amsterdam.
Chick #2: Can't -- my brother gave up pot to impregnate his wife.
--Bowlmor Lanes
You're Not Using My Back As a TV Table
Guy #1: Actually, I can only have orgasms while I eat good food.
Guy #2: This is why I wear diapers.
--Richardson St & Graham Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: martimus
Got a Watch That Accurately Measures 30 Minute Increments?
Man: I sell watches. I'm going to have cards made... I'm a horologist.
Chick: I'm just a whore.
--50th & 10th
Overheard by: sister mary ann
Somebody's Going to Fail the Analogies Section
Test-taker #1: You know how good a test location is by the ratio of people to Asians.
Test-taker #2: Huh?
Test-taker #1: That's how it's done.
--Line for SATs, Martin Luther King High
Let Me Check My Phrase Book...
Foreigner, about hot chick passerby: I would like to date her.
Passerby: I think you mean rape her.
--558 Driggs Ave, Brooklyn
If Persephone Were from the Bronx
Thugette #1: Yo, it's brick out.
Thugette #2: Yeah, and it's March.
Thugette #1: Yo! It's almost summer!
Thugette #3: Summer would be good for us!
--Bronx-bound 2 train
With Their Soft Fur and Surprisingly Dexterous Hands...
Man #1: Cops can get away with anything these days.
Man #2: Yeah, they could rape a raccoon if they wanted to.
--Central Park
Overheard by: raccoon assaulter
I'm a Good American Like That
Sober girl: Ashley*, stop! You can't sleep there, that's a dumpster!
Very drunk friend, slurring: I'm easily lulled into complacency...
--NYU
Sweetie, This Is America -- Real Isn't Real
Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait -- is pinhead real?
--Brooklyn
But It'll Seem Like a Lot Longer
Fat Midwestern girl: Is your dad a miner?
Thin European woman: Yes, he is!
Fat Midwestern girl: For how long has he been a miner?
Thin European woman, proudly: Thirty years!
Fat Midwestern girl: He'll be dead in 10 years.
--Q train
I Read That in Halle Berry's Autobiography
Chick #1: Oh my god, what happened?
Dude #1: That taxi just crashed into the building.
Dude #2: Yeah, it was just like in Lethal Weapon 4.
Chick #2: Wow, that's crazy.
Dude #2: There's no better way to pick up chicks than at the scene of an accident!
--57th & 7th
Go Three Blocks That Way and Turn Right at the Plastic Hotels
Obnoxious woman: Excuse me, excuse me! Do you know where Park Place is?
Jaded youth: Next to Boardwalk.
Obnoxious woman: Where is that?
--E Broadway
Overheard by: Mr. Money Bags
Which Was Exactly Why I Came Here
Suit #1: So, I was at lunch, and I went to Subway to get a sandwich...
Suit #2: Uh-huh...
Suit #1: And I ran into this other guy from work as I was walking out, and he says, 'Oh my god, I had no idea you were the kind of guy who would eat at Subway!'
--The North East Kingdom, Bushwick, Brooklyn
How'd He Ever Get Past the MTA's Rigorous Security? Hahaha... Sorry.
Man selling kitchen knives: Would you like to buy some knives?
Lady: That's a really stupid thing you're doing -- walking around on a moving train with knives. It's dangerous!
Man selling kitchen knives: Well, maybe you're a fucking bitch!
--C train
I Felt the Same Way about Sushi in El Paso
Southern tourist chick: I thought this city was supposed to be diverse. I haven't seen the first Mexican or Mexican restaurant yet.
Southern tourist guy: I think it's a different kind of diverse up here, honey.
Southern tourist chick: Well, all I know is that I want Mexican and there ain't no place to get it.
--59th & 5th
Overheard by: Jonathan
He's Only Ever Seen Them at Whole Foods
10-year-old #1: Man, if I was a duck, I would be like Darkwing duck, except I would have a jet pack so I could fly.
10-year-old #2: Dude, ducks can fly.
10-year-old #1: No they can't, man. That's why I would have a jet pack. Vrooom!
--Battery Park
We're Holding Your Diploma
Hunter student #1: So, are you a senior this year?
Hunter student #2: Is senior when your supposed to graduate?
Hunter student #1: Yes.
Hunter student #2: Okay, then yeah, I'm a senior.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Thomas
I Will Require Examples, Followed by a Shower
Freshman boy #1: ... 'Cause when girls be getting freaky they get all... creative and shit.
Freshman boy #2: Yeah!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Adrienne G.
Hypochondriacs Aren't Born, They're Made
Mom in stall: Oh, look, honey. There are toilet seat covers!
12-year-old, also in stall: Yay! Oh, yay!
--Newark Internat'l Airport
The Game -- 'Gaining Control by Withholding Information'
Father: Do you have to pee?
Son: No.
Father: Do you have to poo?
Son: Maybe.
Father: It kind of matters.
--Restroom, Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Jon A.
Clearly You've Never Seen a Cow Do a Beer-Bong
Drunk chick: Oh my god! Is AOL 'America online'?
Friend: Ummm, yes.
Drunk chick: Holy crap!
Friend: What did you think it was?
Drunk chick: Who the fuck are you? And why do you want to sell me something, you dirty sloot?
Friend: I'm your friend, and you're drunk.
Drunk chick: I am as sober as a cow.
Friend: What the hell?
Drunk chick: What does AOL stand for?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: noelle
I Told You -- No Ad Libbing
Mother: Hey! You come here right now! I can't afford to have you running all over this place.
Little boy: Let go of me! Let go of my hand! If you don't, I will hate you forever and disown you.
Mother: Hey, hey! That's my job.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: innocent passerby
It's Very Similar to the Sound of One Hand Clapping
Dad: You don't have to talk all the time!
Small boy: ... But I don't.
Dad: Oh, really?!
Small boy: Yeah. I don't talk in my sleep.
Dad: How the hell do you know that?
Small boy: When I'm sleeping I can actually hear myself not talking...
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: Kleid
Kevin Ends Up in Juvie with a Black Eye
10-year-old boy #1: So, I'll beat up the boys, and you beat up the girls.
10-year-old boy #2: Yeah! I love hitting girls!
--78th & 4th, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Becka
I Believe You're Thinking of Your Marriage to Jennifer
Guy: So, when did you guys get married?
Husband: March.
Wife, at same time: May.
Husband: Uh-oh.
--6 train
What Kind of Ladies Do You Expect in the Village?
Frat boys in truck: Wooo! Where the ladies at?!
Queer couple, walking arm-in-arm: Right heeere!
--East Village
Overheard by: afro*T*siac
Feeling My Bitch Up!
Girl, stung by bee: Ahhh! That motherfucker pinched me!
Boy: I'm gonna kill that nigga bee!
--125th & Broadway
What's Your Point?
Stoned hipster girl #1: Have you looked at your chest recently?
Stoned hipster girl #2: Have you looked at your tortilla? It looks like you smeared it with shit.
--93rd & Broadway
What, Too Soon?
Female tourist, as flurries fall: Is that snow?
Male tourist: I think they're ashes!
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: wiliiam wilson
It's Important to Have a Cause
Dude: It was just so scary to overhear people talking on their cell phones saying all those things you associate with disaster.
Chick: Yeah.
Male passerby on cell: The problem with so many women is just that they don't have the right amount of support! I know more women who live miserably because they are wearing the wrong cup size! Just get measured!
--Central Park South
Either She's Packing Heat, or His Name's "J"
15-year-old preppy #1: I think Lisa's really cool. We should hang out with her more.
15-year-old preppy #2 Yeah, she seems like a really cool girl. I guess her boyfriend's in jail or something... And she has his name tattooed on her clit [gestures to stomach area] or something...
--Atlantic Ave
Apparently My Years of Intensive Instruction Have Paid Off
Lady #1: So, apparently my son was over at Jessie's house, and they were 'touching.'
Lady #2, reminiscing: Oh, the petting...
Lady #1: I know, what a tramp! So anyway, Jessie's mom was concerned about it, but I told my son, 'Damn, you go boy!'
--Wall St
Overheard by: also likes the petting
It'd Be Goodbye, Valtrex
Dog owner to pup bugging drunk girl: Heel, dog, heel.
Drunk girl's friend: Oh my god, what if that dog could actually heal you?!
--Outside Plug Uglies
Overheard by: Starkie
We Could Look for a Rocking Chair?
Hot ethnic chick: I'm thinking about going to IKEA this weekend. Wanna come?
Curly-haired designer type: You know, I'm gonna pass. I'm just too old for particle board.
--Mule Coffee, 5th Ave, Park Slope
I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times
Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Zed
Headline by: tab
Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Roosevelt Island Operating Company: Not on Our Watch
Boy: Mommy, what will happen if the tram falls into the river?
Mother: We will all die, darling. But I told you not to be afraid of dying!
Boy: But Mommy, I'm only eight! I'm too young to die!
Mother: Well, darling, stuff happens!
--Roosevelt Island tram
And Some Of Them Aren't Even Mob Covers.
High school kid #1: I've never been to Staten Island.
High school kid #2: It's weird -- there are random delis in between houses.
--1 train, between 59th & 50th St
Overheard by: JD
... But Would It Kill You?
Boyfriend, about punk girl passersby: Man, whatever happened to fake titties and a tan?
Girlfriend, possessing neither: Hey!
Boyfriend: Oh, sorry.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: bemused eavesdropper
M4M Wednesday One-Liners
Queer: There are a lot of young kids out there learning how to spell 'glamorous,' and that makes me real happy.
--Canal Jeans Co
Queer to tourist: You're from Minnesota? My ex's father was a senator from Minnesota. I went there once to meet him... I forget his name, but what we did was very taboo.
--Prince St
Queer to another: Don't nudge me, you lesbian.
--Line for he Cyclone, Coney Island
Queer to boyfriend: You remind me of this autistic kid I worked with once.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: Katey
Queer on cell, perusing baked goods: I want a muffin. Do you want a muffin? This whole courtroom wants a muffin!
--Food Emporium
Overheard by: admittedly amused
Just Take Our Wednesday One-Liners So We Can Go Home
Street vendor selling children's bubble maker: Bubbles! Bubbles! Shit... Bubbles! Fuck!
--Midtown
Subway hawker with huge sign: Subway! Eat fresh! [Hot girl walks by] Hey, baby, you lookin' good! Don't you just walk away like that... You need to shave your legs, girl. Subway! Eat fresh!
--39th & 8th
Guy handing out free CDs: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? [Girl ignores him.] Whatever. You lookin' like Launchpad.
--Outside Virgin Megastore
Vendor: Get your peanuts! Get the first bag for five dollars and the second for the same price!
--Yankee Stadium
Dude selling programs for Avenue Q: Buy a program! If you don't, I'll tell you how it went. I'll ruin the whole thing. Buy a program and a CD! If he doesn't buy it, he doesn't really love you. This is your last chance... until later.
--Golden Theater
Overheard by: Gaby Young
Guy handing out Atkins snack bars: Get your free Atkins bar! The more you take, the sooner I go home.
--Outside NYSE
What Shall I Liken to Thee, O Wednesday One-Liners?
New school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It's like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.
--19th & 8th
Dude on cell: ... And then they beat me down, like little monkeys.
--E 7th & Ave H
Fat lady on escalator: He used to be a good-looking guy 'til he lost all his teeth. Now he's like Skeletor with death-breath.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Actor: Thanks for letting me borrow your phone. Oh, let me wipe my sweat off of it. I sweat like a Southerner in a spelling bee.
--Loews
Overheard by: kristin
Party-goer: I saved my eye crud for years. You know, that stuff you get in your eyes every morning? And we made this guy eat it. With milk. It was like human Grape Nuts!
--S 5th St
Wednesday One-Liners Did Not Chop Down That Cherry Tree
Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I'm with a client right now so I really can't talk, okay?
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Carol
Teen on cell looking at dresses: I'm just walking out of a movie theater... A movie theater!
--Banana Republic, 5th Ave
Overheard by: not at the movies
Thug to pissed girl on cell: Yo, I'm, like, dumb far right now, baby. I'm in, like, Brooklyn [gets into pimped-out car with friends pouring Arbor Mist into McDonald's cups and speeds off].