Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.

–JFK

Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.

–JFK

Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.

–JFK

Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

–JFK

Overheard by: lonely passenger

Isn't That Why He's With That Ho Now?

13-year-old girl #1: I can't believe he's with that ho now.
13-year-old girl #2: It's 'cause she just got right up in his face and spread 'em. She just spread 'em.
13-year-old girl #1: Well, yeah, I mean she's ugly so she'd had to do something really extreme, you know?
13-year-old girl #2: Yeah, girl, she just spread 'em.
13-year-old girl #1: Whatever, it might have been easy but I could do all kinds of freaky things she just can't ever do for him. She made it easy, but she ain't a freak like me. I can do him all kinds of freaky ways that no one else can.
13-year-old girl #2: Well, I can do some freaky shit too.
13-year-old girl #1: Yeah, maybe. But not like me. I think I'm the freakiest woman alive. I got secrets you just can't even imagine. And I'm not sharin'.

–1 Train

Overheard by: shocked and appalled

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Fear the Reaper

Guy on cell: But he didn’t get shot…Oh, the old man’s dead? Niiiice! –Starbucks, 57th St Little Boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what I dreamt about last night? I dreamt I was dead! –Star Diner, 77th & 1st Overheard by: Fruit Salad Commuter: Well, I’d rather do it for a dead person than a handicapped one. –LIRR train Overheard by: LIRRider Guy #1, to guy #2: I don’t want you to freak out about this, man, but when I die I want you by my side. –Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Quit Their Day Jobs for Stand-up

Hobo to chick: You’re looking nice this evening! [She ignores him.] Normally you look like shit.

–Lafayette & White

Hobo eating entire roast chicken: You got a quarter for some food? Haven’t eaten in days.

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mosugs

Hobo: Hey, look! It’s everyone’s favorite bum! [He’s ignored.] Oh, geez, that went over well.

–Outside Gray’s Papaya

Overheard by: Zach

Hobo to high school students: Hey, kids — stay smart, stay in school… Yeah! Be cool, stay in school! Someone’s got to arrest me one day!

–60th & 10th

Hobo: The fed done lowered interest rates again! You gentlemen get to keep mo’ money in yo’ pocket. Please donate a dollar to help me keep these financial updates as a free service.

–Beaver St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Hobo: I take American Express!

–West Village

Overheard by: Only had a Visa

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, please help keep our trains moving. Get out and push!

–A train