Another Year Older and None the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on cell: Happy birthday! (pause) Okay, call me when you're drunk!

–45th St

Girl on cell: Then when I volunteered to give her to him on his birthday.

–Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Vincent L.

Crazy guy: I'm turning 65 tomorrow… Stayin' away from hoes…

–St. Mark's & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Guy to friend: I am boycotting your birthday if I can see your butt cheeks in your outfit.

–23rd & 3rd

Much Like the Classic Comedy Routine Who's Stabbed First?

Fancy girl #1: Did I tell you about the guy that got jumped last week in Midtown?
Fancy girl #2: No.
Fancy girl #1: Well, he was walking down the street alone and this, like, thug guy came up to him with a knife and was like “give me your money” and started to like, wail on him.
Fancy girl #2: Oh my gosh, was he okay?
Fancy girl #1: Well… The guy that was in the process of being jumped turned out to be like some hardcore MMA fighter and ended up pulling some moves on him and turning the knife on the guy who tried to jump him! (pause) I think he even stabbed him in the leg with his own knife. I think so. (looks at phone) Yeah, he definitely did. Isn't that funny?
Fancy girl #2: Yeah, that's so crazy! (laughs)

–Q Train


Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Little girl on dad’s shoulders: Hmmm. Beer. I’m not really a fan of that anymore.

–Outside MSG

Overheard by: eric p

Guy on cell: Dude, I’m sayin’, it’s like every single time we have sex she is drunk! Sooo drunk… [Sighs.]

–Canal St

20-something chick on cell: Well, they do say alcohol solves problems…

–Houston & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Chris

NJ transit conductor: We are now approaching New York Penn Station. If you are traveling with any small children, the elderly, or drunk people, please escort them off of the train — maybe by the hand — because there is a wide gap between the train and the platform.

–Penn Station

Mom to wobbling little girl: Are you a drunken sailor? Drunken sailor, yay!

–Liberty St & South End Ave

Overheard by: julia

British girl to two friends: … And I knew he was drunk that night because he fell over.

–R train from Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mark

If These Balls Could Talk, They’d Say the Same Thing

Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It’s not my fault you’re still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn’t talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.

–Morton St

Overheard by: these walls are paperthin


Headline by: Damo


Runners-Up:
· “I Apologize for Ovaryacting” – Katherine Duke
· “Quiet! We’re Trying to Decide Whether or Not We’re Going to Trap You into Marrying Us.” – Kara
· “The Whore Moans” – Stephanie L
· “You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour” – Kristen
· “You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom.” – Josh H




Click here to see the new Headline Contest

That Makes 14th Street the Mason-Dixon

Girl: I’m going to have a boring weekend. I’m not really doing anything except one of my friends is guest bartending at this bar Coda on 34th street so I’m going to that.
Guy #1: I think I’ve been there.
Guy #2: Is that on the North or South side?
Girl: Oh I haven’t lived in New York to learn the New York lingo.
Guy #2: Well, there’s a North side and a South side of the street. –43rd & 5th