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September 2007 Archives
Anyone Else Hoping She Handcuffs Him to the Bed and Leaves?
Preppy girl: I don't get it. How are you too busy to have sex but have enough time to get head?
Thug: Well, I don't have to do any work. All I have to do is lie there.
Preppy girl: Oh, okay. What time should I come over?
--Ferry to Ellis Island
I'd Even Be Comfortable with Your Discomfort
Tall blonde: I just don't think I'd be comfortable on a nude beach.
Boyfriend: I would be.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Michelle
Just Not As Many Since the Bypass Surgery
Latino: Why does Cookie Monster have to eat cookies? Why can't he be, like... Veggie Monster?
Whitey: Yeah, man, the veggies!
Friend: 'Cause Tom said so! That's why he's the Cookie Monster -- 'cause he's gotta eat cookies!
Latino and whitey: Really?
Friend: Yeah.
--Diner, 59th St
I Wanted to Become a Fish, but You Have to Have Surgery
Young man: So, since you last saw me, I've decided to become a vegetarian.
Young girl: What's that? Like fish or somethin'?
--F train
Overheard by: kathy iandoli
Great -- There's No Downside, Then
NYU girl #1: Crack babies aren't that bad.
NYU girl #2: Yeah. You're addicted to crack, but you don't experience it!
--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square
Oh, Kristin Chenoweth, You're Plenty Intimidating!
Guy: You really should move. It's not safe there.
Girl: Yeah, the woman next to me got robbed recently.
Guy: If I ever walked into my house and saw a nigger standing in my living room, I'd fucking unload a full clip into him. He'd start making excuses, but I wouldn't fucking care. Then I'd pick up the phone and call the police and tell them I killed him. And he'd say, 'Nooo!' and I'd say, 'Yep, got a dead body on my property,' and then I'd blow his nuts off.
Girl: Oh... Well, I don't usually carry a gun around with me.
Guy: I always carry a gun with me. I would run out with my shirt off and my gun in my hand and scare that fucker.
Girl: Well, I don't think I'd be that intimidating.
--Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th
Overheard by: Aubrey
Okay, We Need to Go to Learningsmith before We Head Home
Nine-year-old boy: Mom, are we done?
Mom: Yes, we just need to check out.
Nine-year-old boy: Yeah! We're done! D-u-n, done!
--Duane Reade, 33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: themelancholydane
James Cameron Has Fallen on Hard Times
Crazy guy: Vote for me for king of the world!
Passerby: What on your resume qualifies you to be king of the world?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan
I Know, Right?
20-something to friend: ... And she said, 'Twenty dollars? She offered me 20 dollars for bills after staying with me for a whole month? I'd wipe my ass with that 20-dollar bill!'
Hobo: One 20-dollar bill ain't enough for that huge ass!
--23rd & 5th
Like Anyone Hears Anything Said on a Cell Phone
Jogging hoochie on cell: Yeah, I just touched down in Boston. No, I'm still in the airport waiting for my bag.
Black guy: Don't believe her! She's in Atlantic City!
--Central Park
Overheard by: MaliceAlice
A 20-something Has an Intern?
20-something girl #1: She's so fucked in the brain -- I can't believe it. My intern wants an intern. Oh, God.
20-something girl #2, dreamily: Hmmm, makes me want to pee on her head.
20-something girl #1: You'd really be doing me a favor.
--Bryant Park
"Who" or "Why" Might Have Triggered Violence
Crazy Asian to strangers: What?!
Guy: What?! [Each continues their separate path.]
--Essex & Rivington
Hey, What Are Friends For?
Girl: Men are dicks.
Friend: It's alright. You'll get a new guy soon -- you're cute!
Girl: I know. I'm just sad.
Friend: Well, the sun will come out tomorrow. Have you ever heard of it being cloudy forever? No, because that's impossible... Except for after a nuclear holocaust, in which case you should just kill yourself.
--4th & Mercer
Did You Know They're Washable?
Girl #1, head in hands: So, like I was saying...
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, so why doesn't he want to fuck anymore?
Girl #3: Oh, yeah, he totes found your vibrator.
Girl #1: How the hell did you know?
--1 train
Gets All Her Metaphors from Lennie Briscoe
Chick #1: He was being all flirty and nice and asked me to meet him out dancing.
Chick #2: He is so cute. What did you say?
Chick #1: Hell no. He's married. I heard that and ran like a hooker from the cops...
--A train
Overheard by: Jim W.
'Cause I've Got a Great Program I Could Put You On...
Skinny jerk: Yeah, so she's about a buck ten now, five foot two.
Fat jerk: Oh, that's great.
Skinny jerk: Yeah, but I had to beat it out of her.
Fat jerk: [Stares.]
Skinny jerk: How much do you weigh now?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Shusha
Might Be Time for Career Movement
Male employee: I need to take a crap.
Girl coworker: Thanks for sharing.
Male employee: I have been waiting, though.
Girl coworker: Why?
Male employee: Because after that the highlight of my work day is done.
--N Manhattan Ave
Wait, Business or Pleasure?
20-ish guy: Hi, I'm Pete.
Teen chick: Hi, I'm Karen.
20-ish guy: I'm normally really shy, but being as how I am on this train, and you are on this train, I figured I'd introduce myself. Do you have a boyfriend?
Teen chick: No.
20-ish guy: Great! I don't have a girlfriend, either -- we just broke up. Where are you heading?
Teen chick: Court.
20-ish guy: That's great! I just came from court myself!
--A train
Overheard by: Kris, who got off at W4th
The Kind That Blind You When They Fall from the Sky?
20-ish girl seeing group of orthodox Jews walk by: Hey, look at all those Amish people! Oh, wait, are they Amish or acidic Jews?
--8th & Bedford
Overheard by: joe
So We're Drinking Out of His Skull
Wasted guy #1: Hey, do you have any shot glasses around here or anything?
Wasted guy #2: Dude, Grandpa died.
--UWS
Overheard by: My grandpa died, too
Finding Affordable Housing in New York? Really?
Girl, dejected: You know, it's just so hard to do right now.
Sympathetic guy: Yeah, yeah... Plus, it's a felony.
--66th & York
Overheard by: Dave C
Actually, in Trenton, You Do
Tourist: Is this the 1:13 to Trenton?
Suit: No.
Tourist: Oh, well, where is that?
Suit: Are you just, like, picking track numbers and hoping for the best? Go read the screen, you dumbass.
Tourist: You don't have to be rude.
Suit: You don't have to be stupid.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
Trouble Brewing
Woman #1: He is so sophisticated.
Woman #2: He sounds like he is.
Woman #1: Yeah, like, he loves champagne. I'm just as happy with Colt 45.
--D train
Overheard by: Billy Dee
But Maybe That Has More to Do with This Starbucks Sandwich I'm Eating
NYU JAP #1: So, like, do you want to go get margaritas tonight?
NYU JAP #2, grimacing: Ugh. I'm, like, still nauseous. If you, like, say 'margarita' again, I might throw up.
--University & Waverly
I'm Putting 10300 Staten Island. Thank You!
Box office attendant: Sir, can I have your zip code, please?
Ticket-buyer: No! You people are not going to call me!
--Beacon Theater
Checking to See If He Lives with His Mother
Lady: What are you doing today?
Man: Nothing.
Lady, suddenly excited: By the way, do you do laundry?
Man: Yeah, why?
Lady: Well, I never heard you talking about doing your laundry before.
Man: Okay... Why would I want to talk about doing my laundry? [Rolls his eyes.]
Lady, embarrassed: I hate when you're right.
--D train
Overheard by: Ana
Little Kid: I'm Biding My Time
Queer #1 glaring at nearby smoker lady: Ugh!
Queer #2: I hope she gets cancer. [Woman passes a little kid and enters museum.] That little kid should've kicked her.
--Outside the Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Caulfield
Girl: That "I'm Really Catholic" Ploy Works Every Time
Dude #1: Did you go home with that girl last night?
Dude #2: Yeah, I was up all night. She was like a fucking porn star -- stuck her finger in my ass!
Dude #1: Porn star? That girl had a face fit for radio! And she told me that she was really Catholic!
Dude #2: I told her I've only been with two girls, and then I tried to stick it in her ass!
Dude #1: You are a real scumbag!
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peter Persico
A Legal Conundrum
Drunk boyfriend: Yo! Stop hittin' me! What's your problem?!
Drunk girlfriend: Shut up, haha. I'll slap you if I want to.
Drunk boyfriend: Stop! Or I'm gonna rape you.
Drunk girlfriend: Ohhh, I dare you...
--A train
The Metaphor Still Works, Asshole.
Bimbette: She was being such a bitch, and I was like, 'You catch more flies with honey than you do with a fly swatter, y'know.'
Boyfriend: Don't talk. Seriously. Just stand there and look hot, okay?
--Penn Station
Overheard by:
The Clintons Make New Friends Wherever They Go
Teen girl to driver on cell: Hang up and drive!
Driver: Oh, suck it, bitch!
Teen girl, pointing at female passenger: Looks like you have someone to do that for you.
Driver: She's my wife -- she doesn't do that anymore [drives away].
Teen girl, to friend: Was that a joke, or was he still insulting me?
--42nd & Park
Overheard by: Dave R
But I'm Not Sure I See the Comparison to the Fall of Rome
Trendy teen girl #1: You know, it's like a fat girl who has a really pretty face...
Trendy teen girl #2: Oh my god, I hate that!
--Tribeca
When Abortion Debates Get Out of Hand
Hipster girl: You know, I was really, really dreading that family dinner, but it wasn't so bad...
Mom, complacently stroking umbrella: Yeah, apart from the part where he tried to stick the knife down your pants, I thought it went really well!
--F train
What?! We Don't Have Our Own Stairs?
Woman #1: Why don't we take the elevator?
Woman #2: Don't we have to wait in the line?
Woman #1: Oh, no, we're faculty. We can just go up.
Guard: Join the line for the elevator, please!
Woman #1: Oh, we're faculty.
Guard: And you can join the line for the elevator, please.
Woman #1: Ugh. I'll just walk up to the third floor, then!
--Silver Center, NYU
Thirty Years Late in Some Cases
Tourist woman #1: I don't understand why people are laughing at everything the characters say.
Tourist woman #2: I know! I think most people are just getting most of the jokes late.
--Spamalot, Shubert Theatre
Overheard by: sara
True, but He Only Does It Every Five Days
Guy, about colleague's showering habits: Yea, you know, I have an eye for that kinda stuff. Need to make sure people stay clean 'n fresh 'round me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Girl: Are you sure? Because--
Guy: --Nah, yo. He must shower early in the morning or late at night. Or else somewhere in between.
--On the bus
Overheard by: Nabz
I Used to Have Them Backwards, but I Was Dead Wrong
Professor: What words do we get from the name Aphrodite?
Student #1: Hermaphrodite.
Professor: Yes -- from the union of Aphrodite and Hermes. What else?
Student #2: Aphrodisiac!
Professor: Good! And what is an aphrodisiac?
Students: [Silence.]
Professor: Are you all Victorians? Come on... What's it called when one uses something to arouse sexual appetite?
Student #3: Necrophiliac! [Class laughs.]
Professor: I have to advise you to invest in a dictionary, as it's simply prudent to know the difference between a necrophiliac and an aphrodisiac. Hopefully, you won't ever need to thank me for that.
--NYU
Overheard by: Cairo
What a Plot Twist!
Man: How much for two double-A batteries?
Bodega worker: The good ones or the one-dollar ones?
Man: The dollar ones.
Bodega worker: One dollar.
Man: I'll take two.
Bodega worker: That will be two dollars.
Man: Two dollars?!
--30th & 6th
Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber
Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!
--Loews, Lincoln Center
Um, I'm from Thailand
White tween: Everyone has a MySpace.
Asian tween: I don't have a MySpace.
White tween: You don't got a MySpace? Why not?
Asian tween: 'Cause it's the easiest way to meet sexual predators.
White tween, laughing: Nah, don't worry. You ain't ever gonna meet any sexual predators -- you're ugly.
--PS 173 playground, Fresh Meadows
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
But I Only Wear It for Special Occasions
Goth girl #1: I hate girls with mustaches.
Goth girl #2: Yeah, me, too.
Goth girl #1: ... Actually, I have a mustache.
Goth girl #2: Yeah, me, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: Tim
What Boy Band Hasn't Had This Conversation Backstage?
Guy #1: You can't allow her to keep doing that to you, man.
Guy #2: Yeah, you're right... Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Guy #1, after both guys laugh: ...Uh... You were kidding, right?
--Men's locker room, New York Sports Club, Tribeca
Overheard by: Matt
Just the Muppets That Keep Showing Up to Fuck Children
NYU guy #1: I was watching that Dateline show, To Catch a Predator last night on TV.
NYU guy #2: Chris Hansen is the world's biggest cock-block.
NYU guy #3: Chris Hansen? Didn't he invent the Muppets?
--NYU Palladium Dining Hall
Meet the Unmoved Mover of the City
Crazy toothless hobo playing with revolving door: Whoa, I rocked this joint. You like it?
Girl: Fascinating.
Hobo, yelling at traffic a minute later: Keep it moving before I kick you in the nuts!
--Kmart, Astor Pl
Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous
Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady's boobies?
Mommy: Well, she's letting everybody know it's okay to breast feed.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel
Headline by: mbobbinson
Runners-Up:
· "...for Tips" - Melissa
· "And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?" - TJ
· "Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated" - Dangello
· "How Come I Can See Her Vagina?" - Peter Madsen
· "Later, She'll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes" - Dawn Elizabeth
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Almost Gotten to the Point Where I Can Sit Down Again
Creepy goth guy: Wait, so did he cry when you guys broke up?
Fat chick: Basically, it was like, 'Things are different now, dude. It's a complete role reversal. It's like I'm the guy and you're the girl, and, quite frankly, I don't want to put my dick in you.'
Creepy goth guy: Oh, I've heard that one before.
--The Met
Overheard by: Shaaaane
I Have Hose Anxiety
Dude: No way!
Friend: Why? You never peed at a firehouse?
--W 19th & 7th
Or, You Know, Whatever
Dude #1: You got laid last night, so shut up. Although I never saw her, so I don't know what she looked like.
Dude #2: Neither do I...
Dude #1: Yeah, I thought about staying up and waiting just to get a look at her.
--17th & Irving
Overheard by: B-Round
Wednesday One-Liners Look Busy When the Foreman Comes Around
Hardhat: Sometimes I like pissing on the sawdust floor and seeing the dust come right back up in the air.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: TVontheFritz
Black hardhat to hot chick: Will you be my screensaver?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Philip
Hardhat: This whole street smells like panties!
--43rd & 8th
Big hardhat, after bumped by lady: Yo, I'm tryin' to be Italian over here!
--64th & 1st
Overheard by: Rich Templeton
A Wednesday One-Liner Is Worth a Thousand Words
Cheerful lady taking photos: Smile! Say, 'Shit'!
--20th & Park
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Chick with camera: I am gonna Flickr the fuck out of you!
--Burp Castle, 7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Still dazzled by the flash
Hippie chick: Yeah, I put up a picture of her on my site -- the one of her on the couch. It was the only picture where she didn't have two dicks in her.
--Thai restaurant, Park Slope
Angry man, about his ex: I was looking at her picture and got mad right away. You know instant oatmeal? I was instant angry.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: KristenH
Man with accent, into pay phone: I have the pictures! With the girl, yes! ... Vagina in them! Yes!
--W 4th St
These Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Yet Rated
Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights... Men in tights... I don't know what the movie is about, but I like the title.
--Middle school, Park Slope
Angry dude: I can't believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who'd let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can't get this one fucking movie!
--St. Mark's Pl
Hipster: I'm sorry, but there's just never going to be a movie starring a midget.
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent
Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.
--R train
Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.
--IMAX Theater
Overheard by: I don't think it would be...
Wednesday One-Liners Hope They Get a Pony This Year
Concert-goer to friend: ... And then she told me, 'I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I'm dating a pirate!' And I said, 'He's not a pirate, he's a douchebag! You're dating a douchebag!'
--Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway
Woman to friend: I don't know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.
--A train, between 59th & 42nd
Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday... And we haven't even had sex yet!
--Sol y Sombra
Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn't count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn't fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.
--14th St & E 1st Ave
Overheard by: Adrienne
Wednesday One-Liners Are Sleeping with Their Secretaries
Suit on the run, after accosted by street charity worker: I don't want to save a child! I want to go to a meeting!
--53rd & Lex
Suit: Yeah, I don't think I could work for the government. All they do is kill people.
--23rd & Park
Suit: I don't play hard to get; I play hard to like.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Brian
Suit on cell: I just got back from São Paulo. That place looks like New York threw up on L.A.
--JFK
Suit on cell: What do you mean scientologists are following you? ... No, you can't stay at my place tonight...
--6th Ave
Overheard by: E.Major
And Wednesday Said, "Let There Be One-Liners!"
Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God... [drunken pause]... is rubbing my tummy.
--Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn
Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.
--Thai restaurant, Astoria
Bag lady: God has always been good to me.
--6 train
Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard
Old grump: That's the problem with kids today -- they think they're God.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Abby
Chick: I've determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.
--L train
Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin', and fuckin' right now... But I can't... I just can't, because this is my mission -- to annoy ya and preach the word of God!
--R train
Wednesdeified One-Linefication
Wheelbo: I understand that this is a crowded train. I will try and move past you as articulately as possible, as not to step on anybody's toes.
--6 train
Overheard by: Becs
Guy trying on women's sunglasses: Are these for women, or are they ambidextrous?
--Laila Rowe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: nisey79
Dude: ... And I became an intern to be internal...
--Columbia University
NYU chick on cell: Thanks so much for, like, printing out my paper for me. You were, like, such a lifesaver! Yeah, my printer ran out of, you know, cartilage, so I'm at Staples buying some more.
--Soho
Overheard by: if only sharks could be used as toner
Bimbette: Yeah, well, she just kept on keptin' on...
--4th Ave, between 11th & 12th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mike R
Fat lady: They eat dogs in other countries -- it's a delicatessen.
--Fulton & Church St
Overheard by: Dan
Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration
Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you're a good writer?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Jocelyn
Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out!
--Union Square
Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo -- animals... They don't know how to lie.
--6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: anthony recchia
Bimbette: Yeah, I've been to hundreds of Catholic churches... I still lie.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Overheard by: are you proud of this?
Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note
Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.
--W 114th St
Overheard by: arthur digby sellars
Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? ... That's not a suicide pact, Dad, it's a murder-suicide.
--Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Ian
Teen to friend, enthusiastically: Let's hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill himself!
--Henderson Ave, Staten Island
Overheard by: Green Star
Old guy: Guy is holding up traffic for five hours because he wants to jump off the George Washington Bridge. You wanna kill yourself, take a bottle of pills!
--Chiropracter's office
Overheard by: sara n.
Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Your Complexion
Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude on cell: ... Because I'm a pastry chef, and my semen tastes like ice cream.
--Soho
Ghetto girl on cell: So he said to me, 'Suck my cum for five dollars,' and I was like...
--St. Mark's & Broadway
Overheard by: Stilettofem
Chick: I have no agreements for future procurement of sperm.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Meister
Hipster chick on cell: Why were you and Voldemort sharing sperm?
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish
Professor: If you are selected, meet me and talk to me about the presentation on Thursday, and you can take advantage of me. [Awkward pause, then] If you want to rape me, you are welcome to try, but I don't think so because I am pretty strong.
--NYU
Overheard by: Ting
Political philosophy professor after oral surgery: I had a choice to make: I could have stayed home like a happy clam on Percocet, or I could teach class... I miss the Percocet.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: tanechka
Computer science professor: They [people who figured out which mushrooms were poisonous] were the true pioneers. Screw Edison!
--NYU
Professor: Don't get too excited -- I'm not putting you into groups. Yeah, I saw you all sitting there, looking around, thinking 'Which of these fuckers is going to do all of the work?'
--Fordham University
Professor: Okay, you guys fill out these course evaluations, and I'll go amuse myself for 15 minutes by... doing drugs or something [leaves room].
--Waverly Building, NYU
Overheard by: evanescent
English professor: I can never find enough excuses to use the word 'pus.'
--Hunter College
Overheard by: upperwestsider
This Is the Dawning of the Age of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: He started laughing and calling me a moron when we were drunk and I asked him if the sun and the moon were the same thing, and I told him, 'If you had my brain, you'd understand what I meant!'
--Penn Station
Redhead: He and I are like twin stars that will never have sex.
--Starbucks, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: ein ladle
Bimbette: Does the U.S. own the moon?
--Astronomy 101, Borough of Manhattan Community College
Dork to gaggle of girls: A half moon is fuckin' half as full as a full moon, ya heard?!
--East Village
Overheard by: Verbena
"Dear Jason, Thanks for the Compliment -- I Think. LOL! Joy"
Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, 'Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.'
Creepster #2: You wrote 'succulent'?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, 'Your titties look succulent in photo number five.'
Creepster #2: That's fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but...
--Union & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: crowin
Oh, Sorry -- I Didn't Know
Man, as a woman screams: Bitch, don't touch me! My wife is pregnant!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jay
Isn't That What Insecure Ugly Girls Do?
14-year-old girl: How long does Accutane take to work?
Dermatologist: Before you know it, you'll be so beautiful you'll be beating off all the guys.
--Dermatologist's office
I'm More Like Auntie Emo
Girl #1: You're kind of a hipster.
Girl #2: Oh, so I'm a hipster?!
Girl #1: Well, yeah, but you're a good hipster.
Girl #2: So, I'm not the wicked hipster of the West?
Girl #1: No, you're the good hipster of the East, or whatever.
Girl #2: ... You don't know what you're talking about!
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: laurie
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
He Says He's Sorry
Street preacher: The day of repentment is here!
Passerby: 'Repentment' isn't a word...
Street preacher: It's the word of God.
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: The Professor
Presenting This Week's Most-Ironic-Location Conversation
Teen #1: So, the age of consent in New York is 17, right?
Teen #2: What if you were born in, like, New York City, but you got raped somewhere that the age of consent is lower... [lowers voice drastically]... like New Jersey?
Teen #3: I don't think there's an age of consent for rape...
--Battery Park
Overheard by: drmario
Not the Good Rocks, Either
Spanish chick #1: He look good. You think you gonna give him your number?
Spanish chick #2: Nuh-uh. Not with his teeth lookin' like he been eatin' rocks.
--E train
Overheard by: JK
The Curse of the Drinking Class
Drunk girl: Fuck you. Get a job. ]Lightly pushes guy. No response.] I said, fuck you. Get a job! [Pushes him harder.]
Guy: Stop pushing me.
Drunk girl: Fuck you. Get a job!
Guy: Stop pushing me.
Drunk girl: Fuck you! Get a job! [Pushes him down.]
Guy: What the hell?! I have a job! I have a job!
Drunk girl: I don't care! Get a job!
--St. Mark's & 1st
Overheard by: Darien
Men Can Be Just As Catty As Women
Dude #1: We need more females for spring break... Who else can we invite? Nicole?
Dude #2: But then Joe will have to come, and I don't care for him.
Dude #1: Julie says he's changed since high school, though. Like, matured.
Dude #2: Hmmm, interesting.
Dude #1: Yeah, food for thought... Or for starving children in Somalia.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Peter G.
Told Her to Go Have an Abortion and Think Things Over
Tree-hugger #1: So, this dumb girl didn't even know what the ACLU was...
Tree-hugger #2: Did you take her outside and shoot her?
--33rd & 5th
She Works for EHarmony
Fat lady: Whew! Hey, I think I just found the love of my life! The subway conductor! [People smile.] Wooo! He's got a nice package! [People look away.] I tell ya, one night with him -- you'll never forget it! Where are we? Is this 34th? Look out! Clear the way! Wide load comin' through! Have a wonderful day! [She exits, then screeches from the platform as train moves away] I love youuu!
--R train
Dirt-Road Didactics
Hoochie: I tried anal sex and it just hurt too much. Then I figured out that if you just douche your ass, it doesn't hurt at all!
Wannabe hoochie: Really?!
--Bar, Staten Island
Overheard by: yohezzy
Culling the Herd
Drunk girl #1: So, why did you spit on her?
Drunk girl #2: I don't know. Oh my god, I spit on her?
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, you don't remember?
Drunk girl #2: Hahaha, shit! Well, she must have deserved it. What'd she do?
Drunk girl #1: I don't know. You said she was looking at your man.
Drunk girl #2: Well, fuck, then she deserved it. Where is she? I'll spit on her again!
Sober girl: You just got on the train. You spit on me and I'll fucking kill you.
--1 train
It's the Mexico of Asia
Old white man: I didn't know they had cockfights in Korea.
Young Asian guy: Yep, sure do.
--1 train
Security Guard: Ummm... My Breasts Are Just Malformed
Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don't kick me out! You can't kick me out -- I'm handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don't even understand what she's saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I've never seen this one before!
--MoMA
Overheard by: stoned assholes
The Plumber's in There Now
Lawyer #1: Why are you so pissy this morning?
Lawyer #2: Eh, just frustration. My wife's vagina is out of order again.
--Supreme Court, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
A Startlingly Accurate Description of the Mary Kate Olsen Bobblehead
Little girl: You're the most beautiful girl in the whole world! [Mom smiles.] You are.
Mom: I think you're the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: Only to you.
Mom, holding up girl's art project: Actually, I think she's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: No! She's a princess bird-fish!
--F train
Overheard by: Actually, I'M the most beautiful girl in the world
Then You'll Get into Med School for Sure
Chick #1: I don't know why it isn't working!
Chick #2: Maybe you should get shit-faced.
Chick #3: Maybe you should try a push-up bra.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Is there a 3rd solution?
That Was Fast
Girl #1: Imagine if you were still in that job!
Girl #2: I know. It was so bad... I would have quit by now. Wait, I did quit.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Thompson
The Difference between Extroverts and Introverts
Mom: You haven't seen her in three years. Why don't you just invite someone you don't know? Why don't you just open the phone book and point to a name at random and invite that person?
Little boy: Oh, yeah!
--W 100th & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Philanthropist
Plus, She's Deaf. And German.
Man: I'm thinking about learning Japanese so I can speak to my wife's grandmother.
Lady: That's cool.
Man: Nah, actually, I don't think I will. She's old and only has a couple of years left anyhow. Forget it.
--E 19th & Park Ave South
Headline by: boyhowdy
Runners-Up:
· "Besides, I Hate When She Talks During Sex" - Trey Jackson
· "But Those Gums Look So Soft & Enticing..." - wvs
· "Come to Think Of It, Maybe We'll Stop Feeding Her, Too." - Bobbing for Lucky Charms
· "He Clearly Has No Idea Just How Long Japanese Women Live" - Gaijin
· "Man, Fuck Old People." - RaRa
· "She Can't Be That Old. I Mean, Your Wife's 14." - RaRa
· "THAT'S for Pearl Harbor" - Daniel Patterson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Some Poor Guy Must Have Slept with Both of Them
50-ish woman #1: She's a bitch.
50-ish woman #2: Well, her daughter killed herself.
50-ish woman #1: And now we know why! She's a bitch! I may not have been the smartest girl in class, but I'm perceptive. She's a bitch!
--Westside Restaurant
Overheard by: dek
The Kid's Hoping Math Becomes Debatable
Little boy: How much farther is it?
Father: Well, we're on 116th now...
Little boy: Oh, no! I don't wanna do math now!
Father: And we're going to 112th... What do you think?
Little boy, sighing heavily: Okay... 116 minus 112... That's three streets!
Father: No...
Little boy, halting and releasing father's hand: What do you mean, 'No'?! Hey! Come back here!
--116th & Broadway
But at Least We're Not Goth
Punk #1: Do you realize that we only live 80 years?
Punk #2: And we've done so much more than most people.
Punk #3: It's, like, philosophical.
Punk #1: And we don't get the same opportunity as other people because of the way we look.
Punk #2: That's discrimination.
--Bathroom, Otto's Shrunken Head, 14th St
Overheard by: Leon Dekelbaum
It Was Pasta Its Prime
Secretary: Mr. Barnes* is out today... He is very sick.
Colleague: Oh, no! What's wrong?
Secretary: He has food poisoning. You know -- that semolina...
Colleague: You mean 'salmonella'?
Secretary: Yeah, that's what I just said -- semolina.
--Financial District
That Doesn't Involve Anyone Emerging from Mommy
Little boy: Daddy, I think you and Mommy should have a baby. I want a little brother.
Dad: No, your mother and I aren't having anymore kids.
Little boy: But how will you and Mommy have any fun?
Dad: We'll have fun with you!
--Port Authority
He's the Duchess of Suffolk County
Fag hag scanning seats during intermission: Oooh, look at that queen up there!
Queer: Girl, that's no queen! He's from Long Island.
--High Fidelity show
Says the Woman Wearing a Leopard-Print Fannypack?
Tourist lady: Where's the ladies' room?
Waiter: Top of the stairs on the left.
Tourist lady: I was just up there. It's not marked for ladies, so I was afraid to use it.
Waiter: It's a unisex.
Tourist lady: Excuse me?
Waiter: It's for everyone. Men and women.
Tourist lady: You're all going to hell. Do you know that?
--Bar 89, Mercer St
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
That's Just What You Want, Stanley
Ghetto queer, about passerby: Damn, girl, you see that skinny bitch's shirt?
Friend: No...
Ghetto queer: It said, 'I always get what I want.' Yeah right, nigga. That's some bullshit if I ever heard it. If you always got what you wanted, you wouldn't be dressing in ghetto-ass t-shirts from the Dollar Store and walking around this neighborhood. You'd be dressin' all Gucci and shit and livin' on Park Avenue.
--147th & Broadway
Um, All I Said Was, "Are You My New Roommate?"
Girl: So, do you know anything about the Holocaust?
Roommate: Like what?
Girl: I don't know -- like, fun facts or something?
--Dorm, Columbia
It's Nothing to Joke About
Girl #1, sniffing: Do you smell maple syrup?
Girl #2: You mean that urine stench?
Girl #1: Oh, I guess that's it.
--A train, 96th St
In Fact, I Strongly Suspect I'm the Missing Link
Yuppie guy: So, what did you have for breakfast?
Yuppie girl: Um, a chicken and cheese sandwich.
Yuppie guy: You mean an egg and cheese?
Yuppie girl: Oh, yeah. Well, technically it's still a chicken sandwich. What came first, anyway, the chicken or the egg?
Yuppie guy: Well, probably the chicken because it was created -- like Adam and Eve.
Yuppie girl: Personally, I think it was the egg. I believe in evolution.
Yuppie guy: Uh-huh.
--Starbucks, E 53rd
Overheard by: Johanna
And a "Beauty" Is Someone Who's at Least 70% Silicone
Dad: A geek is someone ugly but very smart.
Six-year-old son: Ugly, but very smart...
Dad: Actually, a geek is really someone in the circus that bites the heads off of chickens.
--75th & Roosevelt, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: geek lover
I Can Send You to a Blockbuster, but I Charge a Finder's Fee
Chinese lady hawker: DVD! DVD! DVD!
Southerner lady: Do y'all have The Sound of Music?
Chinese lady hawker: New DVD only! Charlotte Web! New James Bond!
Southerner lady: They just get everything first in New York, don't they? So... Y'all don't have The Sound of Music?
--Canal St
Overheard by: Miss Megan
We're "Fisting," One Might Say
High school kid #1: Yo, man, give me a pound! Man, don't leave me hanging!
High school kid #2: What? Oh, I'm pounding you in my head.
High school kid #1: Yo, nasty!
High school kid #2: I meant with my fist! ... To your fist.
--Main St, Flushing
More Like Banana Republic
Teen girl: Do you ever feel that you look like a banana when you smile?
Friend: No...
--60th & Broadway
Then We Go to a Museum and I Try to Lose Them
Granny: I'm babysitting for my daughter's kids next Thursday.
Friend: What? You just sat for them last Thursday!
Granny: No, no, -- I couldn't make it that time.
Friend: But still...
Granny: Well, she has a lot of doctors' appointments lately. Anyway, I just take them out for lunch and give them French fries.
--Starbucks, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
And, of Course, the Cycle of Violence
Little boy: Where are we going, Joseph*?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: I'm your grandpa. If you call me Joseph, I'll kick your ass.
Little boy: Why?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: It's about respect.
--9th & 4th station, Park Slope
Overheard by: Glad my grandpas are dead
Which Is Why So Many Moved Over Here
White teen girl #1: Oh my god, he is, like, so caliente! Haha, I just said that like the biggest white girl!
White teen girl #2, sarcastically: What, you say that like you're not proud of being a white girl!
White teen girl #1: Haha... Well, I'm not actually white. My nationality is European, which is actually much better than white.
White teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
--Q101 bus, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Much to the Consternation of the Natives
Woman to Eric*: Are you a sexual adventurer?
Man: Eric is the Amerigo Vespucci of ass play.
--Against the Grain, East Village
Overheard by: Adam
How America Manages Money, in a Nutshell
Woman, as ATM spits out money: See? You just punch in your code and the machine gives you your money.
Kid: Wow! We're gonna be rich!
--Bank of America ATM, Madison Avenue
Overheard by: johnny virgil
Plus, I Tend to Overshare.
Bimbette #1: So, I think I know what my problem is...
Bimbette #2: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Bimbette #1: I think my underwear is on backwards.
--8th & 5th
Overheard by: Melissa Martinez
I've Always Dreamed of Birthing a Kennedy
Hipster girl: [Inaudible]... Sex with animals.
Hipster guy: You have sex with animals?
Hipster girl: I said I wish I had sex with animals.
Hipster guy: Oh, yeah.
--South St Seaport
Now Will You Please Pull Back My Skin So I Can Check My Watch?
Old lady: I think we qualify as old farts.
Old hubby: Thank you so much for that kind statement.
--Rubin Museum of Art, 17th St
Overheard by: Princess Dy
Men Everywhere: Teach Us Your Strange Magic
Tourist: Tall? That is not a tall coffee -- that is small!
Local chick: Well, that's why they call it 'tall,' so you don't think it's small.
--Starbucks, Wall St & Broadway
Overheard by: murx
I Think I Saw This on an Episode of Sliders
Hip girl: What's up with that airline?
Friend: What do you mean?
Hip girl: The flight attendants were all straight men.
--JFK
Overheard by: A random
He's a Really Shitty Listener
Woman #1: I hate it. He never listens to me.
Woman #2: That guy listens out of his ass!
--W 96th near Amsterdam
Overheard by: clb72
She Must Have Done Something None of the Others Would
Thug #1: He got married!
Thug #2: He got married?
Thug #1: Yeah, man, he married that chick!
Thug #2: What chick?
Thug #1: Oh, lord, there were so many.
--40th & 7th
Overheard by: Arielle
Wait, Back Up. Why Can't You Go Anymore?
Female employee #1: You need to go to church.
Female employee #2: Hell no, I can't go to church anymore [laughs mischievously].
Female employee #1: You don't go to church?
Female employee #2: Uh-uh.
Female employee #1: Whatever! Yo, at my church, like, gangs and shit be comin' on Sundays. The Crips are all on one side and the Bloods all on the other. It's crazy. They be wearin' their colors and shit, too.
--Century 21
But Shhh! I'm Telling Him the Sex Is "Safe"
Young girl to brother: Hey, you better get home or I'm gonna tell Mom that you stole that money from her purse.
Little boy: You do that, bitch, and I'm gonna tell Durell you got your period when you were nine.
Young girl: Mothafuckah, that was, like, last year!
--Ave A
Overheard by: Padraic. Your Prince
What's the Word for a Fear of Latex?
Dude: So, did you ever wear a condom in Haiti?
World traveler guy: No.
Dude: Were you scared?
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Not Going to Haiti
What Is It with That Movie?
Bimbette: Oh my god, I'm so horny.
Friend: Did you just see Josh or something?
Bimbette: No, I just watched Newsies!
Friend: Without me?
Bimbette: It was sort of a one-on-one Newsies experience.
Friend: I totally understand... Dancing preteen boys...
--NYU
Overheard by: Kelly
To Make You Grateful to Be Childless
Man: Excuse me, but that kid's screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she's two years old--
Man: --So why did you bring her?!
--Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met
And the Cafeteria Experienced a Sudden Decrease in Fishsticks
Biotech #1: Look, there's that creepy old librarian that used to work at the library at school!
Biotech #2: She was so gross! Every day I would go in to check out a book for a class and another one of her fingers would be missing!
Biotech #1: Yeah, that's probably why she left.
--Kiehl's, 3rd Ave
Luckily The Lake House Has Sufficiently Lowered the Bar
Old lady to 20-somethings on stoop: I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain. With Jesus Christ as my friend, I'm happy again [walks away].
20-something guy: If I wrote a scene like that into a script, everyone would think I was trying too hard.
--Webster Hall
And You're Thinking of the Amish
Guy #1, about wireless: So, yours isn't secure?
Guy #2: Nah, I just leave it open because I know no one is trying to use it.
Guy #1: How do you know that?
Guy #2: Are you kidding me? I've got nothing but Hasidic Jews living 360 degrees around me.
Guy #1: So...
Guy #2: They don't use computers!
Guy #1: You're an asshole.
--B train
Overheard by: Can you say antisemitism?
I Knew I Should Have Learned to Read!
Lady with disposable camera prominently featuring 'Flash' label: Does this camera have a flash?
Employee, to cashier: Does this have a flash?
Cashier, not looking: Yes.
Employee: This has a flash.
Lady: Are you sure? [To her mother] I hope this has a flash.
--CVS, Kings Hwy & Nostrand Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: The Yankee
Stephen Colbert: Or at Least a Certain Truthiness
Mother #1: These dolls are so adorable.
Mother #2: Yes, and there's a wonderful verisimilitude at Target.
--American Girl store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: katicus
As Good a Jew As You Are a Baptist, Sweetie
Ghetto black lesbian: Look, you are Time Magazine's Person of the Year.
Jewish lesbian: That is so lame.
Ghetto black lesbian, picking up a card instead: What does 'shalom' mean? Does anybody know what 'shalom' means?
Jewish lesbian: You are asking the wrong Jew.
Ghetto black lesbian: What kind of Jew are you? What good are you?
--Duane Reade, Broadway & Reade
Overheard by: Just trying to buy some cards
Every Day Is a New Struggle to Survive
Freshman #1: Let's not kid ourselves -- the men who shop at Sears do not care what the underwear looks like on other men.
Freshman #2: Sears catalogs are only for straight boys in North Dakota to masturbate to.
Freshman #1: In North Dakota, even the Internet has no porn.
--F train
Nothing Like a Public Existential Crisis
Conductor #1, over PA: This train will make all express stops to Stillwell Avenue.
Conductor #2, over PA: What does that mean?
--Coney Island-bound F train, 4th Ave
Overheard by: I know I'm getting off at 7th Ave., and I don't even work for MTA!
Despite His Promises
Underage chick: No, his dick had not gotten any bigger since the last time I saw him.
Friend: Bummer.
--3 train
Blood or Salsa? You Be the Judge
Woman: Oh, yeah, you know -- like how Taco Bell had that Ebola virus outbreak.
Friends: Oh, right...
--Queens-bound R train
Overheard by: Nikki W
How'd He Like It?
Guy: Oh, man, my wrist hurts! I think I got carpal tunnel.
Friend: How?
Guy: I was fingering that bitch all night.
Friend: Oh.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Lucy and Emily
Head Upstate and Grab a Burger King Crown
Drunk girl: I was watching 300 the other day, and you know what I realized?
Sober girl: What?
Drunk girl: That I want to be the Queen of Sparta.
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Lisa
Perfect, Thanks!
Ghetto girl #1: Do these shorts make my ass look huge?
Ghetto girl #2: Girl, your huge ass makes your ass look huge, not those nasty shorts.
--H&M, Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Aria Grillo
At Least Coke Is Sort of Natural
Freshman #1: Oh, look, there's Joe*. Does he still do cocaine?
Freshman #2, whispering: Well, no. But now he lives on caffeine pills... [Then, more dramatically] And Mountain Dew.
Freshman #1, gasping: Oh my god!
--Columbia dorm
Rats Flee Your Mighty Shadow
Coworker #1: Is it just me, or are the rats in New York getting smaller? Seriously!
Coworker #2: Maybe you're just getting bigger.
--D train platform, Rockefeller Center
Looks Like Keeping the Faith Has Worked Out Really Well for You
Hobo lying on floor: ... And, I mean, what about slaves? You people owned my people!
Newly boarded teen: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm selling can--
Hobo lying on floor: --Fuck you! You just want money! You fucking want money, you little shit! You're a traitor to your race, you fuck!
--Brooklyn-bound A train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
What's This "We" Shit?
Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Aaron Padwee
Headline by: Danny
Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Or Is She 4 Foot 11 because She's So Short?
Man, about actress Kristin Chenoweth: You know, she's only 4 foot 11.
Wife: So that's why she's so short!
--Studio 54
The UN Finally Sent in Peacekeeping Forces
Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It's my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: alanna
And Furthermore... Oooh, Lemony Fresh!
Italian guy #1: I tell you you stink so you go in the store and put on Pledge?
Italian guy #2: Yeah!
Italian guy #1: What? Are you stupid?!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: lousie
Wednesday One-Liners Just Did It for the Organs
Woman to her crying child: A man is going to take you.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Caitlin
Asian mom to child in stroller: You feel trapped? Well, so do I. Now you know how I feel.
--51st & 3rd
Mom to whining child: Too bad, so sad. Your mom looks like your dad.
--JFK
Mom on cell: Shut the hell up or you're not going to choir camp...
--32nd & Lex
Woman with wailing baby: God, I wish I was high -- you would be so funny right now!
--V train
Mom to screaming toddler: If you could stop doing that, I'd appreciate it.
--Ascan Ave & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: me too.
Wednesday One-Liners Took "For Poorer" Out of Their Vows
Gold digger to friend: Yeah, I'm done with doctors. I want an architect.
--E 80th St
Overheard by: hannah g
Annoyed JAP: So, he told me that I would date my way out of the Upper East Side.
--Ladies' room, Johnny's Uptown
Overheard by: Grover
Patient to receptionist: She no-showed on me, too, but I didn't like her anyway because she has Alzheimer's, and she's a gold digger.
--Dentist's office
JAP: I mean, I was raised never thinking I would ever have to take care of myself.
--Penn Station
Chick: I mean, he's, like, a little unstable. He just seems a little wired, but he works for a hedge fund, so...
--77th & 3rd
We're Here, We're Wednesday One-Liners, We're Not Going Anywhere!
Middle-schooler: Self-mutilation is so gay!
--Q60 bus
Overheard by: Gregorio
Black lady: She gay? Oh, well, then keep her away from me. I don't like gay people. They's too charmin'.
--D train
Southern girl: I have this theory that all black guys are gay.
--Lafayette & Houston
Teen girl to friend, passing clipboard activists: I don't get it. What are they doing, selling gay rights?
--Columbus Ave, Upper West Side
Overheard by: wasn't in the mood to buy any gay rights that day
Guy to another: ... And it wouldn't be gay because we wouldn't tell anyone!
--NYU
Overheard by: Artiste
Wednesday One-Liners, Have You Called Jenny Yet?
Drunk baseball fan: My friend -- he's a fat fuck! I'm gonna call him and tell him how fat he is!
--LIRR to Shea Stadium
Fat lady to tiny lady: Move your fat ass!
--Manhattan-bound 6 train
Overheard by: Dr. Seuss Tat
15-year-old fattie: If it wasn't for my huge boobs, I would just look fat.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Andy
Recent high school grad: She put on a lot of weight. Doesn't she look fat in this picture? [Friend just stares.] It's her eyes.
--Queens Blvd
Queer on cell: Well, there's cute-chubby and hopeless-chubby... No, I'm not gonna tell you which one you are!
--88th & Amsterdam
Loud fat lady, during silence after curtain fall: Ew, that's gross! Eat that...
--NYC Ballet, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Evan
Wednesday One-Liners, Dead Ahead!
Guy to girlfriend: Every time I get pissed, I'll list a person who's dead.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Rachel Graham
Mom to four-year-old daughter: So, let me get this straight. Everybody was dead, then you walked in the street, and then you got kidnapped? And then you got killed?
--86th & Lex
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Seeing the genitals of a corpse is, like, a huge turn-off.
--Bodies Exhibit, Fulton St
Overheard by: Secret Asian
Woman: So I called her and I asked her, 'Did you die?' And she said, 'No!'
--Pearl River Mart, Soho
Dude on cell: He's dead? Yes!
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Adam
The Little Red Book of Wednesday One-Liners
JAP on cell: I mean, the one thing I hate more than communism is arts and crafts!
--NYU
Historical guru: Then she married a guy who was a communist gunman from Berlin, and a pretty good art scholar, by the way...
--Utopia Diner, W 72nd St
Overheard by: LADY V
Teacher, in Elmer Fudd voice: Be very, very quiet... We're doing something communist.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Wednesday One-Liners Are Probably a Nine... Maybe a Nine and a Half
Preppy chick: She's lucky that she's so beautiful that she can have a name like 'Agnes.'
--12th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: fey
Hipster chick: Hey! I didn't know it was you -- you look so pretty!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: triphere
Man, to no one: The federal government is after the woman. You know why? Because she breeds, dammit! But she's gonna get old, and I'm not paying child support! If a woman is so beautiful, then why can't she use the toilet?
--4 train
Woman on cell: That ho said my baby girl was beautiful! I said, 'I know she beautiful -- I made that bitch!'
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Robbie
Mom to four-year-old daughter: I do not need you telling me I'm not beautiful on the inside!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Kates
Wednesday One-Liners after Labor Day? Shocking!
Rich lady: I bought this outfit for myself to make up for my miserable youth.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Zac
Yuppie to toddler sitting on friend's lap: ... And the benefit of wearing Nike clothing is that it's made by children not much older than you.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Ardbeg78
Trendy chick: I can't go to places like Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters 'cause they study and watch me on camera, ripping off my style.
--Bar, 14th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Karl Karlson
Girl: Trench coats are never a good sign.
--M14D bus, 1st Ave
Overheard by: melanie
Loud queer to friend: Ummm, do you know where I can get some Lycra spandex leopard-print leggings?
--The Village
Overheard by: S
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Taped Glasses
Guy to cooks: So, do you guys just sit around all night making up medieval names for each other?
--Pizza shop, 2nd Ave & St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: mangledorf
Nerd on cell: I waited five years to get a girlfriend, and I finally got one and I just couldn't take it!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th St
Overheard by: Jo
Chick on cell: Whoa, did I just refer to Voldemort in a romantic context? What is happening to me?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Dork: Wow, 200 points of magic! Well, that would truly be a day of sorcery.
--LIRR
NYU student: So, Yoda is more masculine than Sophocles?
--NYU
Overheard by: waphle
Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon
Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother's dying. Yeah, again -- she's dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can't believe I have to go to Louisiana.
--Union Square
Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn't it?
--Museum of Natural History
Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can't talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What's fucking wrong with that?!
--Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd
Overheard by: Rod-Rod
Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? 'Oh, my grandma's dying and my cat's eating her toes, and... um... I lost the papers'? I can't do that... [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]
--30th & 6th
Overheard by: avenueF
Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.
--Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd
Overheard by: Will
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Know Much about No Book-Learnin'
Hot chick on cell, sadly: I finished the new Harry Potter... It was good, but now I just feel so empty inside.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Muggle willing to fill you back up
Frat boy chucking aside a book: Reading porn just isn't the same.
--Central Park
Hobo selling books: This book's called Corner Stores in the Middle of the Block. That's deep. I'll tell you what else is deep: I realized that women only pay attention to me when I'm with other women... So I started hanging out with lesbians...
--1 train
Overheard by: Mikey T
Teen: So, this one time I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving all the Bibles to the 'Fiction' section...
--74th & Columbus
Blonde: Isn't Radio Shack a bookstore?
--Washington Square Park
When Did Wednesday One-Liners Have Corn?
Hot chick: Oh, you live on Amsterdam? I used to live on Amsterdam. I threw a bowl of diarrhea out of my window once. Don't do drugs!
--27th & 30th, Astoria
Queer: I have to buy some toilet paper today. I'm tired of wiping my ass with cocktail napkins.
--36th & Park
Tipsy dude: Do you know what's awesome? Giant robots can't even shit on people!
--Sly Fox bar, East Village
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Student on cell: Hello, professor? Professor? Oh, he's taking a shit? Okay, I'll call back later.
--Arthur Ave
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Girl: He pulled out and she shit all over. [Friend puts down her chopsticks.]
--Oyama Sushi
Overheard by: No longer hungry
Don't You Have Some Sort of Restraining Order?
Son: Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea...
Daughter: And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.
Son: Little Mikey Draper...
Daughter: You mean 'little, ummm, Harry Safer'?
Son: Little Harry Safer...
Father: You mean Johnny Walker!
--57th & Broadway
We Hadn't Yet Received His Demands
Foster care and adoption supervisor: The police have closed off the street because someone is threatening to commit suicide. We need to cancel tonight's family visit, because your children will not be able to get to the agency.
Birth mother: Why didn't you tell me this at 10 this morning?
--Late afternoon, W 26th St
Like Anything from a Street Grill Is Actually Meat
Woman: No chicken -- I said that I don't eat meat.
Vendor: Do you want lamb?
Woman: No!
--57th St, between 5th & 6th
And That's How I Met Kevin Federline
Dad: Hey, you hear that? That's someone on the giant piano. Let's go up and see it.
Seven-year-old girl: Yes, someone clearly uneducated is on the piano.
--FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: CollegiateCutie
Or at Least the Trunk of a Car Parked in Front of One
Five-year-old boy: That shirt's nice! Where you get it?
Five-year-old girl: The store!
Five-year-old boy, impressed: Damn!
--125th & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: Nicole
I'll Have to Check with My Parole Officer
Woman #1: Have you read [some book]?
Woman #2: I don't read books by white people -- only books by black people.
Woman #1: What about books by black people pretending to be white people?
Woman #2, after long pause: I'm thinking.
--Target, Brooklyn
Kid, Have You Read the Old Testament?
Mom: Please eat your dinner.
Brat: Mommy, you're meaner than God.
--Restaurant, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Nikki Apostolou
Ivy League Kids Are So Verbal
Chick: There you go with that booty!
Booty-toting friend: You like that booty?
Chick: Yeah, that's a nice booty. I just want to smack that booty right now!
--Columbia
I... I Can't Be Over -- I Just Got Started!
Early-20s chick: Look at that girl! She's, like, thirty! She should just give it up and go have some kids already.
30-ish guy nearby: Fuck you!
--Scruffy Duffy's
Overheard by: 30 and kidless
I Hope You Enjoy Vomiting into the Gutter
Drunk guy: Wait, you're not going anywhere? [Off-duty cabbie shakes his head.] Hey, buddy, fuck you!
Cabbie: Thank you very much, sir.
--8th Ave
Sectarian Violence among Vendors Is on the Rise
Young woman: Do know anywhere where I can get nuts?
Hot dog vendor: No!
Young woman: Cashews!
--Madison Square Garden
Queequeg the Tampooner Thought Otherwise
Roomie #1: Why is this non-slip grip on the new tampon ads such a big deal? When do I really need some super non-slip grip sport tampon?
Roomie #2: You know, when you're under water.
Roomie #1: Under water?! I am not the Little Mermaid!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: a confused roomate #3
Fuck Yoga
Middle-aged man: Sorry, I thought you'd like it.
Middle-aged woman: Well, it hurt.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: turbobread
I Hate These Clown Shoes!
Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I'm trying to quit!
--McDonald's, Queens College
Blame God
Shapely woman, yelling over shoulder: Stop looking at my butt!
Clerk leaving store: I'm sorry, I can't help it!
--The Village
Possibly Some of Mine
Woman on cell: I mean, my God -- do I look like I've had children?
Suit passerby: Yes.
--53rd & Lex
Overheard by: paratactical
Worst. Guidance Counselor. Ever.
Sketchy dude #1: So, what you do is you buy crack, and then you tell the cops where you got the crack, and then you get to keep the crack!
Sketchy dude #2: And what's that called again?
Sketchy dude #1: Court informer.
Sketchy dude #2: Yeah, court informer. I'm gonna be that!
--A train
Overheard by: Jon
In Summary, Life Is Seedy
Drunk #1: Sometimes life gives you lemons.
Drunk #2: And sometimes you wake up in Weehawken with a four-foot bong on the floor next to you.
--Perdition, 49th & 10th
Overheard by: Argopelter
Manyrears' Disease
Guy #1: Oh, he's gay. You didn't know that?
Guy #2: Gayness makes me dizzy.
--54th & Madison
Overheard by: DZ
If Men Got Their Periods
Dude: Can you help me? I'm bleeding.
Chick: What's the matter?
Dude: I'm fucking bleeding!
--Baruch College, 25th St
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
It's a Dream Job for the Right Person
Office woman: So, what is Matt up to these days?
Delivery man: He just got a job as a fudge packer.
Office woman: Oh, that sounds exciting! Tell him I said hello!
--23rd & Park
I Locked the Gryffindor and Hung by My Tits from the Ravenclaws While Slytherin' My Hufflepuff
Boyfriend: So you went home, drank two Smirnoff Ices, watched Harry Potter one and a half times, and masturbated twice?
Girlfriend: Yep.
--City Hall Park
Headline by: Lord Pervdevert
Runners-Up:
· "Nice." - ImmaculatePizza
· "And That's Why You Couldn't Meet My Parents?" - Gerard
· "Best 13th Birthday Ever" - downtown
· "Just Another Night for JK Rowling" - Suzy
· "Rookie" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Underage or Underloved?" - em
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'll Be Done Undermining Your Confidence by Then
Woman #1: Mark said that it smelled like you crapped your pants out there.
Woman #2: It did smell really bad at the bar.
Woman #1: But Mark said it smelled like you crapped your pants.
Woman #2: That I crapped my pants? Why would he say that about me? Oh my god, I hope he doesn't think that about me.
Woman #1: No, I don't think he does.
Woman #2: Then why would he say that? God, going out is so hard.
Woman #1: Let's go home by two tonight.
--Bar, 89th & 3rd
White Bread -- Are You Trying to Kill Me?
Hobo: Got any change?
Man: No. [Hobo walks away.] You want some of this bread?
Hobo: Naw! I don't eat that shit!
--3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: julian
Then I Suggest You and Your Kid Angle for an Invite to the Neverland Ranch
Old JAP: I wanna sue somebody.
Lawyer: For what?
Old JAP: For a million dollars. I'm fucking tired of working.
--Supreme Court, 89-00 Sutphin Blvd, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
What's an "Escort"?
Five-year-old: I want a sticker.
Woman: No, I don't have any stickers. I have business cards. Here. You can have one [hands him one].
--Park Slope
Overheard by: leah
Really? Oh, Alright, Then.
Hobo yelling to college couple: Hey, bro! Hit that pussy tonight, bro!
Another male passerby: Yeah -- better do what the man says!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Count Funkula
Not to Mention They Were Both US Congressmen
Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad's kind of hard...
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they've both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!
--155th & Broadway
You're Just Upset because You Had to Pull Out
Angry man pulling out of stadium lot: You've got to be nice to people...!
Parking attendant: I am nice. Don't start this. This is not your lot, this is my lot. I was born in this lot.
--Yankee Stadium parking lot
Overheard by: Lucia
So We Know What I Find Sexy
Middle-aged rocker chick: I think ex-cons are sexy.
Older rocker dude: Yeah, I got arrested once in Germany for child pornography.
--Pasta shop, Mott St
Bras Sink into a Zone from Which No Light Escapes
Woman #1: So get this -- my friend can wear any color bra she wants with any color shirt and no matter what she wears, you can never see her bra through her shirt.
Woman #2: Wow, how does she do that?
Woman #1: I'm pretty sure it's because she's flat chested.
--Elevator, Midtown office building
As with Organized Religions, All Are Equally Unpalatable
Passionate man: You have to be able to voice your own opinion! Stand up for yourself! You're the CFO of a four billion dollar company -- you have to be able to make these kinds of decisions!
Lady with him, totally baffled: I was just so overwhelmed -- I've never seen so many different kinds of rice pudding...!
--Outside Rice to Riches, Spring St
Overheard by: leah
Suffers from Menthol Deficiency
Woman #1: Oooh, I really like the smell of whatever you're eating or wearing. What is that?
Woman #2: A cough drop.
Woman #1: What kind?
Woman #2: Hall's.
Woman #1: Oooh, that's really nice.
--Elevator, McCann Erickson office
That'll Teach Vito to Blab to the Feds
Drunk white dude: We saw this fuckin' rat in our pantry, so I whisper over to my roommate, 'Dude, dude! There's a fucking rat in the pantry!' So I, like, grab a butter knife and shit, and like, I stabbed it! I fuckin' stabbed that fuckin' rat!
Black chick: Wow! Did you kill it?
Drunk white dude: Nah, it like, bled a lot and shit, so we threw it in the dumpster. I tried to, like, smash its skull, but I couldn't do it.
Drunk white girl, not part of their conversation: Shut the fuck up!
--8th St station
How Do You Even Get a Job As a Panty Inspector?
Chick #1: Are you done?
Chick #2: Almost. I just have to take off my panties.
Chick #1: What?
Chick #2: I have to take them off because if I go home with wet panties and my man sees, he'll kill me.
--Bathroom, Providence Lounge, 57th & 6th
Um, Guys, That's a Stoner in a Bathrobe
Orthodox man #1, seeing man walk by dressed as Jesus: Jesus! [He and his posse begin to chase Jesus.]
Orthodox man #2: You are not the son of God!
--Washington Square Park
If You Cannot Afford an Asshole, One Will Be Assigned to You
Lawyer at deposition: What is your native language?
West Indian woman, offended: English!
Lawyer: Lady, you must speak some other language, because I've been questioning you for an hour and I haven't understood a goddamn word you said.
--Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Translation: I Tire of This Topic
Guido #1: I'm telekinetic. So are you. We all are!
Guido #2: What are you talking about?
Guido #1: Think about it! Look, I'm lifting my arm. What's moving my arm?
Guido #2: Kinetic impulses to your muscles... Your brain.
Guido #1: Ah, but what's telling my brain to lift my arm?
Guido #2: Your mother.
--7 train
Overheard by: Hipster #3
Tourists: What the Fuck?!
Old lady with heavy accent, pointing to closed store: What's that?
Young lady: I'm not sure.
Old lady: Is that a pahwn shop?
Young lady, startled: No, that looks like a pawn shop...
Old lady: That's what I said -- a pahwn shop.
Young lady, relieved: Ohhh, I thought you said 'porn shop'!
Old lady: No, I said 'pahwn,' not 'pahwn.'
Young lady: Oh, you say them exactly the same!
Old lady: I do?
Young lady: Yeah! Say 'aw.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: Now say 'or.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: No, it's orrr. With an R.
Old lady: That's what I said -- 'ahw.'
--M20 bus, near 34th & 8th
Overheard by: trying not to laugh too hard
Some Viruses Do Less Damage Than Others
Chick: You have to be really careful nowadays downloading things online.
Dude: Amber, I have been downloading porn since I was 11. I think I know what I'm doing...
--F train
If You Promise Not to Lick Them This Time
Receptionist: Now, if you're good, Jason, I'll let you play with the models.
Five-year-old Jason's dad: What models?
Receptionist: The prostate models.
--Smoke break outside Urologist's office, 6th & 6th, Brooklyn
I Mean, I Assume He's Sleeping with Her
Woman #1: You know that wasn't a real woman, right?
Woman #2: I don't know, I don't know. I gotta ask my husband. He'll know.
--23rd & 3rd
I Show Them
Chick #1 on cell: I mean, have you ever shaved your pussy and then a couple of nights later you can't sleep because it itches so bad?
Chick #2: Um, hello, we can all hear you.
Chick #1 to #2: Well, has it ever happened to you?
Chick #2: Well, yeah, but I don't tell the whole subway.
--F train
Overheard by: You have now
... Watch
NYU student: It must be hard to kill someone.
NYU professor: No, it's not.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Blazed
Actually, I'm Not. I'm Tired of Pretending
Girl #1: ... So then she told me that I should get her socks. Do you really think that Jane* would want socks for Christmas?!
Girl #2: Socks are like the gift that people give when they hate you. Socks and soap!
Girl #3: Um, yeah... [Girls #1 and #3 look at each other.]
Girl #2: Oh, shit! I gave you socks for your birthday... Sorry about that.
--50th & Lex
Tough to Beat a Southern Gentleman in a White Suit
Boy #1: The fact is, KFC is the best.
Boy #2: Never! Burger King all the way. Does KFC have chicken fries?
Boy #1: Does Burger King have Colonel Sanders?
Boy #2: ... Good point.
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: Best and Brightest in NY?
And She Only Gave Me a B on My Midterm
Prep school boy #1: So, does she still like you?
Prep school boy #2: Yes, and she's ruining my hallway experience.
--G train
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
How I Met Your Other Dad
Short guy, stepping on tall guy's heel: Sorry.
Tall guy: Yeah.
Short guy: I said I was sorry!
Tall guy: What?
Short guy: I said I was sorry, alright?
Tall guy: Okay, whatever--
Short guy: --Well, say something, asshole!
Tall guy: Fuck off!
Short guy: What?!
Tall guy: Fuck off! Fuck off!
Short guy: Yeah, yeah...
--43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
There's an Itchy Redness in My Angina
Lady #1: The doctor has me on all kinds of medication for my STD.
Lady #2: Oh?
Daughter of lady #1: Mom, for the last time, it's 'SVT,' not 'STD.' You have a heart condition, not a sexually transmitted disease.
Lady #1: Shit, I really have to stop getting those two things mixed up!
--E train
Just Don't Try to Fill Them Up With Dirt
Bimbette daughter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were little?
Old hippie father: Yeah, before I moved to Oregon. We had cows.
Bimbette daughter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hippie father: Yeah, but cows don't help with household chores, though. Only crocodiles can do that.
Bimbette daughter: Word.
--Barnes & Noble
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
Guys Are Such Shitty Communicators
Girl #1, nonchalantly: So I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: Right.
Girl #1, angrily: But then he was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: What?!
Girl #1, victoriously: Yeah! So then I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: He's such an asshole.
--87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Luckily My Clients Are Better Liars Than I
Woman: How's witness prep going?
Man: Not good. I just can't keep the story straight.
--Line to get into Daily Show