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October 2007 Archives
Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven't Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.
--4 train
Overheard by: Scotty H.
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I... [doors close].
--E train, W 4th
Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo' bills!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Clook
Hobo to another: So, I hear you're an international spy now.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.
--80th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats
Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin' Donuts?
--42nd St & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: court
Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.
--Yips, 18 Beaver St
Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards... Hell, I take white people's shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl -- I take phone numbers, too! ... You like White Castle? Daaamn.
--Downtown 4/5 Train
Overheard by: Bemused Spectator
Girly man: So I'm like, 'I'm at Tace Bell, and I don't know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,' and she's like, 'Is this an emergency?' and I'm like, 'No, but I paid for this service...'
--Bank of America
Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald's of sex ads.
--Classified office, New York Observer
Overheard by: Seanzi
Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills
Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away... then that means she really likes you.
--Union Square
Dude: I'm needy and you do stuff for me. That's how our relationship works.
--2nd Ave. & St. Mark's Place
Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she's definitely your type. She's definitely your type... Yup, she's bow-legged and pigeon-toed...
--16th & 6th
Boyfriend: Listen, you're dissatisfied with me, and I'm dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.
--32nd & 6th
Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don't wish that. I wish you'd like girls, but you'd find me so attractive that every time you'd even look at another girl, you'd find her ugly compared to me.
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Eryn
NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend -- I don't need a social life.
--Starbucks
Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom
Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
--F train
Overheard by: trieze
Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo' ass.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Deniz G
Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and... put your testicles on ice.
--W 58th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Old lady: You turn around and say 'Excuse me' or I'll punch your fucking face in!
--42nd St and 5th Ave
Old man: ... And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick -- I would shove it through their spokes!
--2nd Ave station
Old bitter woman to husband: I don't understand sex.
--72nd & 2nd
Overheard by: imsorry
Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time
Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin' to be hip? You tryin' to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
--Prospect Park
Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let's try this -- how 'bout I throw you on the ground?!
--13th & 5th
Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!
--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Child-free woman to stranger's crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.
--Throggs Neck, Bronx
Overheard by: Jeri
Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot
Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]
--A train
Asian kid to another: It's hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I'ma kill you!
--D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sitting behind them
Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!
--Central Park
Man: It smells like an STD in here.
--E train
Irish lad: A man's baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.
--U-Haul rental place, Broadway
Overheard by: Kerry
Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word
Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there -- that's a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.
--Duane Reade
Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!
--Dermatologist, UES
Overheard by: Kate
Black suit: Oh, I'm the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!
--Washington Square Park
Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming 'Lexington' with 'Nextel.'
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Pies
Sports editor: We need more magical black men.
--Columbia Spectator office
Overheard by: Kavitha
Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!
Shiksa: No, I'm not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Natalie
Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.
--Museum of Jewish Heritage
Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing...
--9th & 2nd
Overheard by: lezbotron
Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.
--Union Square
Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That's why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.
--Main St
Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner
Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I'm smoking a blunt.
--West Village
Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain't no turnin' back! You're gonna have hemorrhoids!
--25th & 7th
Overheard by: Becka
Dude: ... And then she wouldn't even shake my hand. I mean, I've had my dick in your ass, and you won't even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?
--F train
Tween to friends: I told him, 'If it don't fit in my mouth, it won't fit in my butt.'
--Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace
Overheard by: Krisztina
Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!
--NYU
I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday's One-Liners!
Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica's underwear was still on my head...
--P.S. 1, Queens
Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! ... I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!
--Grand Central
Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.
--20th & 8th
Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn't do it.
--St. Mark's & 1st
Overheard by: Nina
Wednesday One-Liners Are Out Shaking Hands and Kissing Babies
Woman examining broken window on her mini-van: This is bullshit! It's freakin' Democrats!
--24th, between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Michael C.
Chick: Play lacrosse and have gang-bangs with chicks -- that's what Republicans do.
--44th & 5th
Little girl: Is George Bush a Republican or a Dominican?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Carrie
Fat, sweaty guy: Excuse me, people! Sweaty liberal coming through! [Crowd parts.]
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: kiran
40-something tourist to her daughter: All the homeless may be Democrats, but not all Democrats are homeless.
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: not yet anyway
Your In-Flight Movie Today Will Be Wednesday One-Liners
Voice over intercom: This is Delta Airlines flight number 1-2-3-4* paging passenger Eric Ansen*. Would you please report to gate D-7? The captain would like to depart. Thank you.
--LaGuardia
Over the intercom: We'd like to welcome you to Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport--.
[Voice cuts out, then back in.] We'd like to welcome you to New York's LaGuardia International Airport...
--Flight from Atlanta, LaGuardia
Pilot: Like any pilot, I like to hear myself talk... All you're hearing now is 'Blah, blah, blah.'
--Delta flight, JFK
Overheard by: Lalaith
Pilot: We're now ready for departure. Flight attendants, please restrain yourselves.
--JFK
Overheard by: Chuckles
Stewardess, sounding surprised during landing: Great job, honey.
--JFK
Just Make Up My Mind, Okay?
Annoyed bimbette: You cannot go out with him! Like, who will go and pick up random guys with me?
Brunette: I'll still go out with you.
Annoyed bimbette: No, I know you -- you'll say 'yes' when he asks you out. You can't go out with him. Oh, yeah, wait -- he's younger than you. You can get him pussy-whipped like that. You have to go out with him.
Brunette, defeated: Okay.
--S79 bus
Ad: Old People, the Hot New Appetite Suppressant!
Old lady: Is your stomach still bothering you?
Waiter: No, but yesterday I wasn't feeling well. It was probably something that I ate over the weekend.
Old lady: Speaking of yesterday, all I was doing was throwing up incessantly, and I just could not stop... And on top of that, I had diarrhea!
--Gracie's Diner
Just When You Thought It Would Be Cool to Have a Personal Troubadour
Guy on office phone: Is that because of your placenta?
Guy next to him, singing: Is that because of your placentaaa?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Shan Agra
As That Fortune Cookie Explained
Girl: She's a lesbian...
Guy: Lesbians love strap-ons.
Girl: I thought the point of being a lesbian is that you're not into... that...
Guy: Well, there's only so much you can do with two vaginas.
--Penn Station
I Had Difficulty Getting Him to Salute
College girl #1: Last night was amazing.
College girl #2: With the three West Point guys?
College girl #1: Yeah. When I got back to my room they were all passed out there. The one who was rolled in puke was in my bed. I wish more nights were like that.
--Columbia University
Never Agree to Smell Another Dude's Breath
Dude #1: Hey, smell my breath.
Dude #2: Holy shit, man! What have you been eating?!
Dude #1: Kate's ass!
--C train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Formerly My Little Sister
Guy: You're getting fat.
Girl: You're just saying that 'cause you're getting fat.
Guy: No way. You've definitely put on weight.
Girl: You can't say shit like that to a woman.
Guy: You're not a woman, you're my sister.
--Houston & Lafayette platform
Kids Identify Your Buttons and Push Them without Mercy
Little girl in stall: Vagina!
Mother: Shhh!
Little girl: Vagina!
Mother: Shhh!
Little girl: Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!
--Ladies' room, LaGuardia
The Giant Ones Who Live in the Sewers Are Especially Nasty
Queer #1: Christians are the most vile creatures on this planet.
Queer #2: Shhh... They'll hear you!
--13th St, between Greenwich & 7th Ave
Beauty Makes Its Own Rules
Queer #1: Oh my god. I can't believe you called that totally hot, beautiful bartender a 'she'!
Queer #2, gasping: No way!
--LIRR
Overheard by: he-she
The Jeremy-Said-So Defense Totally Stands Up in Court
Teen #1: Is it legal for someone to fuck someone under 18?
Teen #2: Uh, I think so.
Teen #1: Oh, okay.
--7th & Broadway
That's Bound to Work
Dad: Pee! [Kid starts crying loudly.] Shut up and pee, goddammit!
--Bathroom, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Jesse Y C
That'll Be the Best Thing for the Baby
Preggers: I've had the worst shooting pain in my stomach since last week.
Husband: Maybe we should go to the ER right now.
Preggers: No way. I'll go after the movie.
--Loews
Overheard by: Mariam
So at First I Didn't Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers
Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: red
For Those Who Think Men Are More Disgusting Than Women
Chick #1, signing to other friend: Ha!
Chick #2: What does that mean?!
Chick #1: That means 'I'm going to shit in your vagina.'
--Hot 'n' Crusty Pizza
But All I Said Was, "I Liked The Lake House"
Dad: If you want to be a cross dresser, I'm totally okay with that.
Son: Nice!
--Bloomingdale's, 59th St
Overheard by: Bri
Since I'm Still Only Halfway Through Great Sexpectations
Hipster girl: You know, you really should try reading something with more substance... Like War and Peace.
Queer, flipping through fashion mag: 'Warm Piece'? Is that, like, porn?
Hipster girl: I said, War. And. Peace.
Queer: Okay, I'm not reading any magazine I've never even heard of.
--F train
Overheard by: Kathy Iandoli
Gets My Cauldron All Stirred Up
Blonde: Don't you think getting fucked by Harry Potter's wand would be hot, because it's like an extension of himself?
Butch girl: Oh my god, I've been thinking about wand-fucking for like six months!
--Bethune & Greenwich
Overheard by: Never Forever
You'll Be More Comfortable Once You Shit in Your Hat
British man in funny hat: All we want is a way to make ourselves more comfortable...
Ruffled employee: I already told you -- the organic laxatives are that way!
--Fairway Market
Overheard by: obviously chortling
Men: We're Fine with Here
Drunk black girl: I just wanna pull my tits out!
Drunk white girl: Not here. In Africa, fine, but not here.
--14th St, between 1st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Someone who's sure they've never been to Africa.
Also His Answer to "What Is the Meaning of Life?"
Young tourist daughter: Daddy, what's falafel?
Convinced tourist father: Roast beef.
--Falafel cart, 49th & 6th
Overheard by: New Yorkleans Nick
Because Technically, White Is Just the Absence of Race
Puerto Rican girl: Wwhy you all cut that island in half? You racist against the niggas on the other half? They your neighbors!
Dominican girl: I know, right? It's the hatred. Like, you all be racist against white people...
Puerto Rican girl: Yeah, but everyone is racist against white people. That don't count!
--6 train
Overheard by: JS
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· "Better to Be the Hater Than the Haiti" - madfigs
· "Just Like Proper Grammar." - Jo
· "The Original 'I Have a Dream' Speech..." - Rahul Advani
· "White People: They Can Do That?" - Kiki Malibu
· "White People Would Have Weighed In, but They Were Golfing" - s h
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Download That Really Cute Topless Photo of Me for the Wake
Teen boy: Do you ever wonder, like, if you die, what will happen to your MySpace and your Internet stuff?
Teen girl: Yeah. You have my password, right? Promise me you'll go on and approve the good comments?
--N train, Brooklyn
Pale Hairy Flab -- What's Not to Love?
Girl shouting to band members unbuttoning their shirts: Take it off!
Guy in denim vest without shirt, opening vest wide: You want me to take it off?!
Girl, to man: No! Not you! You leave it on!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Liz Erd
Tough Talk for Someone Missing a Bra
Mom: Where's your shoe?
Little boy: I don't know.
Mom: Where did you lose your shoe? You can't just lose your shoe. How can you keep walking around after you lost your shoe without noticing it? Where did you lose your shoe? You're crazy.
--34th & 7th
Two More Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
20-ish chick: You smell like cheap wine.
20-ish friend: You smell like cheap slut!
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Overheard by: ouch.
Just Because I Shit Myself During Group
Crunchy-haired woman: She used to make peanut butter and jelly with cheese... PB and J with American cheese.
Tattoo guy: Ew, that is so messed up.
Crunchy-haired woman: Yeah, but anyways, I really got into it with this lady at my support group today. She said somethin' I didn't like.
Tattoo guy: What happened this time?
Crunchy-haired woman: It was about the cherry issue... She was gettin' on my case because I ate some fuckin' cherries. I'm like, 'What the fuck? What's the big deal? I have a thing for cherries and so what that I can't have just one, I have to have a whole bag?' Fuck, I ate a fucking bag of cherries, big deal. So she was getting on me, saying I was one of those people who doesn't try to get better...
--Brooklyn
... Exactly Who He Is
Bimbette #1: So then I got a text from him this morning [shows friend text message]. I mean, who forgets if they have sex?
Bimbette #2: Haha... There's not even a 'hello' or punctuation... Just 'Did we have sex.'
Bimbette #1: I know!
Bimbette #2: Well, did you?
Bimbette #1: I'm not sure...
--Central Park
Don't Forget about That One "I'm Too Hungover to Grade"
Student: So, I was wondering if I could know how I did on that presentation last week.
Professor: Oh, yes, yes -- you did wonderful!
Student: No, I mean, like, how did I do?
Professor: Wonderful. You did wonderful.
Student: So... Is that my grade?
Professor: Yes.
Student: Great, now I have all zero's and a 'Wonderful.' I wonder what that averages out to.
--Fordham University
Mind If I Cut the Coke on Your Back While We're Waiting?
Skinny model girl #1: Why is that line to the bathroom so long when no one is on that other line? Is the bathroom out of order?
Skinny model girl #2: Oh... Well, this bathroom has a table... So it's easier to do coke. But if you just have to pee, use the other one.
Skinny model girl #1: Oh, no, I'll just wait, then. Thanks.
--LES
The Rest of That Church Service Was Incredibly Awkward
Smoker girl: We should do a wine power-hour tonight.
Friend: A wine power-hour is a bad idea. I lost my virginity after a wine power-ten minutes.
--83rd & 1st
Overheard by: M.J.
No -- Chickens, Not Roger!
Guy on radio #1: The chickens are in the lift. Repeat, the chickens are in the lift.
Guy on radio #2: Roger.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Alex