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October 2007 Archives
Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven't Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.
--4 train
Overheard by: Scotty H.
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I... [doors close].
--E train, W 4th
Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo' bills!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Clook
Hobo to another: So, I hear you're an international spy now.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.
--80th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats
Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin' Donuts?
--42nd St & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: court
Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.
--Yips, 18 Beaver St
Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards... Hell, I take white people's shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl -- I take phone numbers, too! ... You like White Castle? Daaamn.
--Downtown 4/5 Train
Overheard by: Bemused Spectator
Girly man: So I'm like, 'I'm at Tace Bell, and I don't know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,' and she's like, 'Is this an emergency?' and I'm like, 'No, but I paid for this service...'
--Bank of America
Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald's of sex ads.
--Classified office, New York Observer
Overheard by: Seanzi
Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills
Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away... then that means she really likes you.
--Union Square
Dude: I'm needy and you do stuff for me. That's how our relationship works.
--2nd Ave. & St. Mark's Place
Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she's definitely your type. She's definitely your type... Yup, she's bow-legged and pigeon-toed...
--16th & 6th
Boyfriend: Listen, you're dissatisfied with me, and I'm dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.
--32nd & 6th
Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don't wish that. I wish you'd like girls, but you'd find me so attractive that every time you'd even look at another girl, you'd find her ugly compared to me.
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Eryn
NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend -- I don't need a social life.
--Starbucks
Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom
Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
--F train
Overheard by: trieze
Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo' ass.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Deniz G
Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and... put your testicles on ice.
--W 58th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Old lady: You turn around and say 'Excuse me' or I'll punch your fucking face in!
--42nd St and 5th Ave
Old man: ... And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick -- I would shove it through their spokes!
--2nd Ave station
Old bitter woman to husband: I don't understand sex.
--72nd & 2nd
Overheard by: imsorry
Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time
Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin' to be hip? You tryin' to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
--Prospect Park
Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let's try this -- how 'bout I throw you on the ground?!
--13th & 5th
Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!
--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Child-free woman to stranger's crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.
--Throggs Neck, Bronx
Overheard by: Jeri
Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot
Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]
--A train
Asian kid to another: It's hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I'ma kill you!
--D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sitting behind them
Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!
--Central Park
Man: It smells like an STD in here.
--E train
Irish lad: A man's baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.
--U-Haul rental place, Broadway
Overheard by: Kerry
Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word
Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there -- that's a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.
--Duane Reade
Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!
--Dermatologist, UES
Overheard by: Kate
Black suit: Oh, I'm the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!
--Washington Square Park
Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming 'Lexington' with 'Nextel.'
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Pies
Sports editor: We need more magical black men.
--Columbia Spectator office
Overheard by: Kavitha
Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!
Shiksa: No, I'm not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Natalie
Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.
--Museum of Jewish Heritage
Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing...
--9th & 2nd
Overheard by: lezbotron
Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.
--Union Square
Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That's why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.
--Main St
Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner
Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I'm smoking a blunt.
--West Village
Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain't no turnin' back! You're gonna have hemorrhoids!
--25th & 7th
Overheard by: Becka
Dude: ... And then she wouldn't even shake my hand. I mean, I've had my dick in your ass, and you won't even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?
--F train
Tween to friends: I told him, 'If it don't fit in my mouth, it won't fit in my butt.'
--Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace
Overheard by: Krisztina
Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!
--NYU
I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday's One-Liners!
Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica's underwear was still on my head...
--P.S. 1, Queens
Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! ... I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!
--Grand Central
Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.
--20th & 8th
Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn't do it.
--St. Mark's & 1st
Overheard by: Nina
Wednesday One-Liners Are Out Shaking Hands and Kissing Babies
Woman examining broken window on her mini-van: This is bullshit! It's freakin' Democrats!
--24th, between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Michael C.
Chick: Play lacrosse and have gang-bangs with chicks -- that's what Republicans do.
--44th & 5th
Little girl: Is George Bush a Republican or a Dominican?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Carrie
Fat, sweaty guy: Excuse me, people! Sweaty liberal coming through! [Crowd parts.]
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: kiran
40-something tourist to her daughter: All the homeless may be Democrats, but not all Democrats are homeless.
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: not yet anyway
Your In-Flight Movie Today Will Be Wednesday One-Liners
Voice over intercom: This is Delta Airlines flight number 1-2-3-4* paging passenger Eric Ansen*. Would you please report to gate D-7? The captain would like to depart. Thank you.
--LaGuardia
Over the intercom: We'd like to welcome you to Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport--.
[Voice cuts out, then back in.] We'd like to welcome you to New York's LaGuardia International Airport...
--Flight from Atlanta, LaGuardia
Pilot: Like any pilot, I like to hear myself talk... All you're hearing now is 'Blah, blah, blah.'
--Delta flight, JFK
Overheard by: Lalaith
Pilot: We're now ready for departure. Flight attendants, please restrain yourselves.
--JFK
Overheard by: Chuckles
Stewardess, sounding surprised during landing: Great job, honey.
--JFK
Just Make Up My Mind, Okay?
Annoyed bimbette: You cannot go out with him! Like, who will go and pick up random guys with me?
Brunette: I'll still go out with you.
Annoyed bimbette: No, I know you -- you'll say 'yes' when he asks you out. You can't go out with him. Oh, yeah, wait -- he's younger than you. You can get him pussy-whipped like that. You have to go out with him.
Brunette, defeated: Okay.
--S79 bus
Ad: Old People, the Hot New Appetite Suppressant!
Old lady: Is your stomach still bothering you?
Waiter: No, but yesterday I wasn't feeling well. It was probably something that I ate over the weekend.
Old lady: Speaking of yesterday, all I was doing was throwing up incessantly, and I just could not stop... And on top of that, I had diarrhea!
--Gracie's Diner
Just When You Thought It Would Be Cool to Have a Personal Troubadour
Guy on office phone: Is that because of your placenta?
Guy next to him, singing: Is that because of your placentaaa?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Shan Agra
As That Fortune Cookie Explained
Girl: She's a lesbian...
Guy: Lesbians love strap-ons.
Girl: I thought the point of being a lesbian is that you're not into... that...
Guy: Well, there's only so much you can do with two vaginas.
--Penn Station
I Had Difficulty Getting Him to Salute
College girl #1: Last night was amazing.
College girl #2: With the three West Point guys?
College girl #1: Yeah. When I got back to my room they were all passed out there. The one who was rolled in puke was in my bed. I wish more nights were like that.
--Columbia University
Never Agree to Smell Another Dude's Breath
Dude #1: Hey, smell my breath.
Dude #2: Holy shit, man! What have you been eating?!
Dude #1: Kate's ass!
--C train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Formerly My Little Sister
Guy: You're getting fat.
Girl: You're just saying that 'cause you're getting fat.
Guy: No way. You've definitely put on weight.
Girl: You can't say shit like that to a woman.
Guy: You're not a woman, you're my sister.
--Houston & Lafayette platform
Kids Identify Your Buttons and Push Them without Mercy
Little girl in stall: Vagina!
Mother: Shhh!
Little girl: Vagina!
Mother: Shhh!
Little girl: Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!
--Ladies' room, LaGuardia
The Giant Ones Who Live in the Sewers Are Especially Nasty
Queer #1: Christians are the most vile creatures on this planet.
Queer #2: Shhh... They'll hear you!
--13th St, between Greenwich & 7th Ave
Beauty Makes Its Own Rules
Queer #1: Oh my god. I can't believe you called that totally hot, beautiful bartender a 'she'!
Queer #2, gasping: No way!
--LIRR
Overheard by: he-she
The Jeremy-Said-So Defense Totally Stands Up in Court
Teen #1: Is it legal for someone to fuck someone under 18?
Teen #2: Uh, I think so.
Teen #1: Oh, okay.
--7th & Broadway
That's Bound to Work
Dad: Pee! [Kid starts crying loudly.] Shut up and pee, goddammit!
--Bathroom, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Jesse Y C
That'll Be the Best Thing for the Baby
Preggers: I've had the worst shooting pain in my stomach since last week.
Husband: Maybe we should go to the ER right now.
Preggers: No way. I'll go after the movie.
--Loews
Overheard by: Mariam
So at First I Didn't Distinguish Him from the Other New Yorkers
Receptionist #1: Ewww, this man at school was trying to hit on me.
Receptionist #2: What was wrong with him?
Receptionist #1: He was nasty! He looked like half-homeless man and half-terrorist.
--1177 6th Ave
Overheard by: red
For Those Who Think Men Are More Disgusting Than Women
Chick #1, signing to other friend: Ha!
Chick #2: What does that mean?!
Chick #1: That means 'I'm going to shit in your vagina.'
--Hot 'n' Crusty Pizza
But All I Said Was, "I Liked The Lake House"
Dad: If you want to be a cross dresser, I'm totally okay with that.
Son: Nice!
--Bloomingdale's, 59th St
Overheard by: Bri
Since I'm Still Only Halfway Through Great Sexpectations
Hipster girl: You know, you really should try reading something with more substance... Like War and Peace.
Queer, flipping through fashion mag: 'Warm Piece'? Is that, like, porn?
Hipster girl: I said, War. And. Peace.
Queer: Okay, I'm not reading any magazine I've never even heard of.
--F train
Overheard by: Kathy Iandoli
Gets My Cauldron All Stirred Up
Blonde: Don't you think getting fucked by Harry Potter's wand would be hot, because it's like an extension of himself?
Butch girl: Oh my god, I've been thinking about wand-fucking for like six months!
--Bethune & Greenwich
Overheard by: Never Forever
You'll Be More Comfortable Once You Shit in Your Hat
British man in funny hat: All we want is a way to make ourselves more comfortable...
Ruffled employee: I already told you -- the organic laxatives are that way!
--Fairway Market
Overheard by: obviously chortling
Men: We're Fine with Here
Drunk black girl: I just wanna pull my tits out!
Drunk white girl: Not here. In Africa, fine, but not here.
--14th St, between 1st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Someone who's sure they've never been to Africa.
Also His Answer to "What Is the Meaning of Life?"
Young tourist daughter: Daddy, what's falafel?
Convinced tourist father: Roast beef.
--Falafel cart, 49th & 6th
Overheard by: New Yorkleans Nick
Because Technically, White Is Just the Absence of Race
Puerto Rican girl: Wwhy you all cut that island in half? You racist against the niggas on the other half? They your neighbors!
Dominican girl: I know, right? It's the hatred. Like, you all be racist against white people...
Puerto Rican girl: Yeah, but everyone is racist against white people. That don't count!
--6 train
Overheard by: JS
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· "Better to Be the Hater Than the Haiti" - madfigs
· "Just Like Proper Grammar." - Jo
· "The Original 'I Have a Dream' Speech..." - Rahul Advani
· "White People: They Can Do That?" - Kiki Malibu
· "White People Would Have Weighed In, but They Were Golfing" - s h
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Download That Really Cute Topless Photo of Me for the Wake
Teen boy: Do you ever wonder, like, if you die, what will happen to your MySpace and your Internet stuff?
Teen girl: Yeah. You have my password, right? Promise me you'll go on and approve the good comments?
--N train, Brooklyn
Pale Hairy Flab -- What's Not to Love?
Girl shouting to band members unbuttoning their shirts: Take it off!
Guy in denim vest without shirt, opening vest wide: You want me to take it off?!
Girl, to man: No! Not you! You leave it on!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Liz Erd
Tough Talk for Someone Missing a Bra
Mom: Where's your shoe?
Little boy: I don't know.
Mom: Where did you lose your shoe? You can't just lose your shoe. How can you keep walking around after you lost your shoe without noticing it? Where did you lose your shoe? You're crazy.
--34th & 7th
Two More Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
20-ish chick: You smell like cheap wine.
20-ish friend: You smell like cheap slut!
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Overheard by: ouch.
Just Because I Shit Myself During Group
Crunchy-haired woman: She used to make peanut butter and jelly with cheese... PB and J with American cheese.
Tattoo guy: Ew, that is so messed up.
Crunchy-haired woman: Yeah, but anyways, I really got into it with this lady at my support group today. She said somethin' I didn't like.
Tattoo guy: What happened this time?
Crunchy-haired woman: It was about the cherry issue... She was gettin' on my case because I ate some fuckin' cherries. I'm like, 'What the fuck? What's the big deal? I have a thing for cherries and so what that I can't have just one, I have to have a whole bag?' Fuck, I ate a fucking bag of cherries, big deal. So she was getting on me, saying I was one of those people who doesn't try to get better...
--Brooklyn
... Exactly Who He Is
Bimbette #1: So then I got a text from him this morning [shows friend text message]. I mean, who forgets if they have sex?
Bimbette #2: Haha... There's not even a 'hello' or punctuation... Just 'Did we have sex.'
Bimbette #1: I know!
Bimbette #2: Well, did you?
Bimbette #1: I'm not sure...
--Central Park
Don't Forget about That One "I'm Too Hungover to Grade"
Student: So, I was wondering if I could know how I did on that presentation last week.
Professor: Oh, yes, yes -- you did wonderful!
Student: No, I mean, like, how did I do?
Professor: Wonderful. You did wonderful.
Student: So... Is that my grade?
Professor: Yes.
Student: Great, now I have all zero's and a 'Wonderful.' I wonder what that averages out to.
--Fordham University
Mind If I Cut the Coke on Your Back While We're Waiting?
Skinny model girl #1: Why is that line to the bathroom so long when no one is on that other line? Is the bathroom out of order?
Skinny model girl #2: Oh... Well, this bathroom has a table... So it's easier to do coke. But if you just have to pee, use the other one.
Skinny model girl #1: Oh, no, I'll just wait, then. Thanks.
--LES
The Rest of That Church Service Was Incredibly Awkward
Smoker girl: We should do a wine power-hour tonight.
Friend: A wine power-hour is a bad idea. I lost my virginity after a wine power-ten minutes.
--83rd & 1st
Overheard by: M.J.
No -- Chickens, Not Roger!
Guy on radio #1: The chickens are in the lift. Repeat, the chickens are in the lift.
Guy on radio #2: Roger.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Alex
Oh Dear. Did I Make a Spectacle Of Myself?
Ghetto girl #1: Damn, girl, I felt like I was drunk or something!
Ghetto girl #2: Nigga, you was drunk! You was drunk as fuck!
--G train
Overheard by: Jodi
Have You Learned Nothing from My Teachings?
Mom: Don't kick that box! It could have a bomb in it!
Four-year-old boy: Oh, great, Mom. Something else to worry about.
--58th & 2nd
Overheard by: Ethan
Like Most of Manhattan
Greenpeace volunteer: Hey! Hi! Sir, do you have a moment for the environment today?
20-something guy: Uhhh, no, I have therapy in 10 minutes.
--95th & Broadway
Overheard by: sean
Like, Summon a Match for My Cigarette
Buff dude: It's, like, science fiction, man! I could summon a fireball in my hand right now! It's fuckin' science fiction!
Friend: Yeah... You might wanna start smaller.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: verbena
A Lot of What, Now?
Girl: I'm going to be speaking Spanish for a month, and I'm going to come back and be so good at it, but then I'll have a month before classes start and I'll forget all of it!
Boy: That's because you smoke a lot of weed.
--6 train
Overheard by: Veronica
Congratulations! You've Just Become Obsolete.
Chick: Are you coming right home after work? I need sex so badly.
Guy: Yeah, I can tell... Why don't you use your Valentine's Day gift?
Chick: The Rabbit? It's not the same.
Guy: Why isn't it the same?
Chick: Well, it doesn't talk.
Guy: Wait -- so if it talked, you wouldn't need me at all? Is that what you're saying?
Chick: Um... No?
--Carnegie John's, 56th & 7th
Overheard by: cheech
A Core of Molten Evil Also Helps Burn the Calories
Skinny girl #1, reading magazine: Why are they showing Jessica Biel's diet? She's not even skinny.
Skinny girl #2: Seriously! They should show Nicole Richie's diet: don't eat.
--73rd & Columbus
It Goes Perfectly with Naked Ladies and Stereotyping
Stripper: Hey, baby! You got a cigarette?
Gentleman customer: No, baby. I'm Jamaican -- I only smoke the herb.
--Scores, East Side
And We Haven't Seen Even One Hand-Turkey
Student #1: So, are you taking any other art history courses?
Student #2: Yeah, that's my major -- I'm taking a million.
Student #1: This class is so hard.
Student #2: It's okay, I guess...
Student #1: Is it just me, or did you think this class was going to be about pilgrims?
Student #2: Well, it is... I don't know. Didn't you read the course description?
Student #1: Yeah, but I thought it was going to be about the kind that eat turkeys and pumpkins...
--The Met
Soon They'll Give Us Stuff We Don't Recognize and We'll Eat It
Black chick #1: When are we gonna take off?
Black chick #2: First we have to taxi down to the runway. Then we have to wait our turn. Then we go real fast 'til we get airborne. I know aviation, bitch.
--JetBlue flight to Ft. Lauderdale
Overheard by: Big Larry
Oh Ho Ho, We've All Been There!
Drunk man: I feel like I've been anally raped by Gwyneth Paltrow's step-sister.
Drunk girl: Yeah, I know what you mean.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: West Coast Courtney
But It's No Place for a Boy with a Really Pretty Mouth
Queer dance instructor: Okay, girls, now here's a little move I learned in my home town back in West Virginia... [Girls look hesitant.] God, why does everybody look so scared when I mention West Virginia? It's not a scary place, I swear!
--American Dance and Drama Studio, Union Tpke
Overheard by: Lindsay
I Had to Block My Wife, Though
Hardhat #1: Did you check out my wall lately?
Hardhat #2: Uh, no.
Hardhat #1: Dude! You should! That chick I was telling you about, she wrote all over it.
Hardhat #2: No shit!
Hardhat #1: Things I can't even repeat to you.
Hardhat #2: Awww, man, right on! I will log on tonight.
Hardhat #1: Facebook is awesome.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: zed
Isn't That Why We Have Two Kids?
Six-year-old girl, grabbing a Bud Light: Daddy, can I get this?
Four-year-old sister: Yeah, can I have one too, Daddy?
Dad: Not right now, but if you two are good, I'll get you a keg later.
Mom: I'd be down for that.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jas
I'll Trade You for Most People Shower
Teen girl: Ugh, it stinks in here!
Woman in stall: There's a book in the gift shop called Everyone Poops. You should look into it.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: i just had to pee
And What, Exactly, Is She Remembering?
Lawyer #1: My wife bought the official Sopranos book.
Lawyer #2: Is it good?
Lawyer #1: Yeah, it has a lot of inside stuff about the cast and how the show was put together.
Lawyer #2: I'm gonna miss that show.
Lawyer #1: I read something really strange in that book though.
Lawyer #2: What?
Lawyer #1: You know Drea de Matteo, the chick who played Adriana?
Lawyer #2: Chris's girlfriend, right?
Lawyer #1: Yeah. The book says that in real life she has the balls of one of her dogs in a glass jar full of preservative. She keeps it on display in her house.
Lawyer #2: What for?
Lawyer #1: How the fuck should I know? She says it's to remember him by. What's the matter, she couldn't take a picture?
--Supreme Court, Kings County
Overheard by: Big Larry
What Passes for Altruism in New York City
Skinny girl: We should volunteer at an eating disorder clinic.
Friend: Yeah, that would be fun. And we'd be, like, helping people.
Skinny girl: But wait -- if we volunteer there, what if we get influenced and change our beliefs about food and think that not being skinny is sexy?
Friend: No, that wouldn't happen... It would be motivation, because you would think, 'Wow, she's skinner than me.'
--NYU Silver Center
Arthur, I Hate This Game
Aged hippie: Would you rather have a housewife on Prozac or a babysitter on acid? [Friend shrugs.] Well, I'd rather have a babysitter on acid!
--Central Park
Overheard by: MRA
Then How Come He Sucked My Dick? In His Apartment?
Dude #1: Oh my god! Did you hear about Jack*?
Dude #2: No, what?
Dude #1: [Excited whisper.]
Dude #2: He's a what?
Dude #1: [Enunciates whisper.]
Dude #2: No -- a hobo is a homeless person.
--LIRR
Like Picasso, Our Views on Art Will Never Be Accepted in Our Day
Punk girl #1: Man, the Metro said Spider-Man 3 sucked!
Punk girl #2: Yeah, I know, girl... The Metro says everything sucks. All movies suck according to it...
Punk girl #1: But Spider-Man 3 was amazing!
Punk girl #2: I know! The Metro also said You Got Served sucked... What the hell was up with that?
--Stuyvesant Town
No Vanity-Based Business Plan Can Fail in New York
Jamaican guy holding full length mirror: One dollar to look at yourself in the mirror! One dollar! I am the first to come up with this idea! Don't steal it, or I'll sue you... [He's ignored.] Okay, first time is free! C'mon, first time free! Or gimme a quarter!
Laughing kid: Yo, what are you smoking, man?
Jamaican guy: I smoke blood! I don't drink blood, I smoke blood!
Unrelated Jamaican girl: Why you so loud? Shut up already.
Jamaican guy: I'm sorry, ma. You're so beautiful. I look at you, I just can't believe how beautiful you are. How 'bout you gimme one dollar, look in the mirror?
--6 train
Overheard by: Sam McDermott
No More Montessori School for You, Young Lady
Mom, about man on train with flowers: Awww, he has flowers. They're probably for his girlfriend.
Eight-year-old daughter: Mom, you never know! They could be for a boy.
--LIRR
Explains the Outcome of Their Last Gubernatorial Election
Student: I think social deviance is relative.
Professor: That's a good theory. Explain it.
Student: Well, if you're a New Yorker and a stranger goes up to you and says hi, you'd be like, 'Why the hell are you talking to me?' But if you're from California, you'd be like, 'Oh, hey, this stranger is saying hi to me!'
Professor: That's because everyone in California is perpetually on crack.
--Sociology, Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
I Mean, He's Wearing Bermuda Shorts and Knee Socks!
Black guy, popping white friend's collar: Man, what'd I tell you about that?
White friend, putting it down: But I don't want to.
Girl: Leave him alone -- he ain't ready for that yet.
--NYU Kimmel Building
So I Could Get an Authentic American Education There?
French exchange student, pointing at American flag on school: Why are there so many flags?
Host mother: Well, there are flags on public buildings, and that's a public school.
French exchange student: Is it a good school?
Host mother: No.
French exchange student: Is it bad, like in the movie?
Host mother: Not that bad, but not good.
--Houston & 7th Ave South
What's Bad Is That You Don't Know
Guy: Do you think it's... bad... that I think I'm going out... with him?
Gal friends, unconvincingly: No, no...
--H&M, Chelsea
Nothing Hotter and Scarier Than Bunny Eyes
Girl #1: So, is he hot?
Girl #2: Well, kind of. He's albino.
Girl #1: Does he have the fucking scary eyes?
Girl #2: He's got the fucking scary eyes.
--14th St
Overheard by: Molly Fitzpatrick
Although I Threw the Parrot Pretty Far
Dude #1: So, I went on that job interview today.
Dude #2: How did it go?
Dude #1: I don't know -- I didn't step on the cat fast enough.
Dude #2: Yeah, that will kill ya.
--Central Park
Wasn't That the Original Premise of The View?
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, did you see that new movie?
Bimbette #2: Wait, what new movie?
Bimbette #1: You know. Ugh, what's it called? It's the one with Jessica Alba.
Bimbette #2: Um, Fantastic 4?
Bimbette #1: Yeah! There's only three, though, so I don't know why it's called Fantastic 4. It should be called 'Fantastic 3 Plus a Blob.'
--E 33rd & Lex
Overheard by: Kris
You Really Want the Train to Smell More Like Vomit?
Chick #1, unable to find seats: Well, this is too bad.
Chick #2: Yeah, there should be hangover seats.
--Manhattan-bound N train, Queens
Best Possible Place to Throw Up
Ana JAP #1: Do you have fat free ice cream?
Cashier: Uh, no.
Ana JAP #1: What about, like, sorbet?
Cashier: We have sugar-free sorbet.
Ana JAP #2: Can we try it? [Cashier gets three sample spoons.]
Ana JAP #3: Oh my god, I can't do this.
Jap #1: Yeah. Sorry, we're not going to get anything.
Ana JAP #3: Yeah. Sorry.
Ana JAP #2: That was a moment of weakness!
Ana JAP #1: My god. I know! [To the cashier] Is there an Urban Outfitters around here?
--Ben & Jerry's, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: How can I walk with this heavy cream on my ass?
Without Politics, There'd Be a Lot More Switch-Hitting
Queer: I should have gotten her number for you, but at the bar last night this woman walked in... She was seriously hot. Like, seriously. And I'm pretty sure the breasts were real.
Friend: But you're gay.
Queer: Yeah, but I would have considered going straight for her. That's how hot she was.
--NYU
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Nobody Says "Flip-Flops" Since Kerry Lost the Election
Guy: I would literally sell a toe right now to have someone do this paper for me. Any toe. Literally, any one.
Girl: Really? Any one? Even the big one? 'Cause then you couldn't wear thong sandals... Or have a girlfriend.
Guy: Fuck that. I want to wear thong sandals.
--Columbia University
Your Ass in Those Leggings, Not So Much.
Tourist to friend: I could never live here. Everyone is way too attractive.
Queer passerby: God, I love New York.
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Codith
I've Seen You Playing Solitaire During Class
Student: Of course he should get the death penalty! He is a drunk-driving pederast who drowned a two-year-old.
Professor: Oh, and you're so perfect?!
--New York Law School
Wordsworth's Like a Pile of Puke Compared to Luther Vandross
Student: For my song poem, I chose 'Always and Forever,' remade by Luther Vandross.
Professor, singing: Always and forever, each moment with you is just like a dream to me that somehow came true...
Student: Ahem. I have to read the poem. [After student is done reading, professor leads class in singing the whole song.]
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
Like When You're Asleep?
Guidette to friend: Like, I'm a really good friend, y'know, because I like to listen to people. Like, so many people aren't good friends because they don't wanna listen, but I listen to people, y'know?
Friend: Really, it's like--
Guidette, cutting her off: --I know, some people just don't listen, but I'm such a good friend because I love listening, and I'm a good listener...
--Lexington Ave station
Overheard by: Bridgettttttt
Outside of That Suicide Note Written in Blood on a V-Neck
Ambitious girl: I think I'm going to sign up for a watercolor class.
Jaded guy friend: That's the most emo thing I've ever heard from someone who used to work at the Gap.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: EmLo
Back Home We Have Camps for People Like You!
Angry European husband: Listen, you take American currency, don't you? We can pay US cash! That's money!
Clerk: Sir, the sign says credit, debit or gift card only. We can't accept money at this counter. You have to go to the other side.
Angry European husband: This is bullshit. You don't accept money? You're a liar who doesn't know English! I see everyone here paying money at this counter!
Clerk: Sir, we can't take money at this counter. No cash. No money. Just cards.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You're so stupid!
Clerk: Alright. Bye, have a nice day. Next.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You're so stupid! Learn English before you get a job here!
--Century 21 across from WTC
Headline by: snarls
Runners-Up:
· "Any Wonder They've Starteed Two World Wars Was Immediately Dispatched" - Ty
· "Charles & Camilla Charmed Everyone During Their Visit" - Zoot, Just Zoot
· "Go Back To Whatever Country I Came From" - Kevin P
· "God, I HATE Being Trapped in This Stupid Visa Commercial!" - Never Carries Cash
· "It's Getting Difficult To Tell The Tourists From Natives" - Trey Jackson
· "La Vengeance Est Douce: or How We Learned to Stop Worrying and Love America" - noon
· "The American Meltdown Pot" - Qasar
· "Whose Line Was That, Anyway?" - Marie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why Is There a Penis on His Utility Belt?
Nine-year-old boy #1 looking at mannequin in sex shop: Batman! B
Nine-year-old boy #2: Batman -- that's so cool!
Nine-year-old boy #1: Bat-maaan! Bat-maaan!
--Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: Amanda
Career Goal: To Work Hard in a Position I'm Passionate About
Drunk girl: Ummm, we were out and your penis was a topic of conversation.
Sober friend: Oh, yeah?
Drunk girl: Yeah, we think it's big.
Sober friend: Well, it has some good references. I'll have him send you a resumé.
--St. Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: Morgan SO fetch
Without First Tending to My Bikini Area
Male attorney: You're wearing a dress? But you have to be in court today!
Female attorney: With as much respect as I have for the New York City supreme court judges, they're lucky I'm wearing a dress. I should be wearing a... a... a bikini.
--Law office, Midtown
Wednesday Wants to Get in Your One-Liners
FedEx guy to passerby: Hey, they're my trousers! What are you doing wearing my fuckin' trousers?!
--Houston & 1st
Man with water-cooler jug of coins: Please give to help the homeless. Anything can help... A smile, a pork chop, a pair of pants...
--55th & 5th
Jersey hoochie walks by, her thong showing conspicuously.
Matter-of-fact mom to eight-year-old son: That girl's going to lose her pants.
--NJ Transit terminal, Penn Station
Overheard by: cockrin
Guy on phone: ... And so I put my hands in his pants and realized, 'Oh my god, I'm gay!'
--McDonald's, Times Square
Little boy to mother: These pants are too small! I'm gonna get a yeast infection if I put these on!
--Target
Overheard by: The dressing room next door
Wednesday One-Liners Say the Darndest Things
Little boy to mail woman: FedEx is better than you!
--80th & West End
Little girl with hands on bull's balls: Mommy, Mommy! Take a picture of me! I'm going to milk it!
--Wall St Bull
Four-year-old girl, referring to bull's balls: Touch 'em, Daddy, touch 'em!
--Wall St Bull
Seven-year-old girl, hopping furiously on one leg: My legs are confusing me!
--Corson Ave, Staten Island
Overheard by: Matt
Young boy to mother: I wish you would stop blaming me for all of your life's problems!
--40th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jay
Like Shooting Wednesday One-Liners in a Barrel
Dude: My navel smells like fish.
--138th & Convent Ave
Overheard by: The City Planner
Thug: Yo, any saltwater fish -- mad high maintenance!
--N train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Chick on cell: I mean, I don't understand why he couldn't just be supportive and eat the trout!
--83rd & 2nd
Dude, if I had gills, that'd be great. I'd be banging tons of mermaids.
--34th & Park
Man to female walking companion: We have so much in common! Do you also think that scallions are seafood?
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Rachel
Wednesday One-Liners Ruffle Some Feathers
Underage drunk guy to girl: You know Boston Market? You know those chickens in the rotisserie in the window? Well, imagine yourself in that position. Don't be Boston Market.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 3rd
WASP lady: It's so annoying -- birds chirping everywhere.
--Madison Square Park
Drunk guy: Hearing birds fucking is awful. This one time I saw this bird fuckin' another bird in the ass. Then he pulls out and a couple of pellets pop out. The other bird was shittin' on his fuckin' dick, bro! Birds are fucked up, man!
--LIRR, between Flatbush Ave & Jamaica
Overheard by: Stevie
Bimbette: Did you see the Planet Earth series? Remember those birds doing the mating dance? Yeah, those birds were so hot. I would do them...
--Cold Stone, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shaking my head at our sad culture
Young lady suit on cell: I have a feeling today is going to suck -- the crazy bird man is strolling down the block as we speak. Yeah, the one I saw on the subway last month.
--31st & 8th
Old lady: I am very much looking forward to introducing you to my chicken.
--8th & 5th
Overheard by: I am too
R.I.P. Wednesday One-Liners
Large black lady: They have all sorts of bags here: small bags, big bags -- you could fit, like, nine bodies in that bag.
--The Container Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Fat queer: I want to be buried alive so I can eat myself out of it.
--Graham & Conselyea
Overheard by: Jesse
Girl on cell: I keep calling them and telling them not to kill him yet!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: my roommate and me
Man on cell: Is Anne available? She's dead? Oh, okay then.
--54th & Park
Nine-year-old boy seeing rays of sunlight enter car: We're above ground now! Now we can't be killed!
--N train, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pricks
Man looking at reflection in door: Yeah, I got a big dick. Girl, you know I got a big dick. Gimme some of that pussy.
--6 train, 103rd St
Jewish girl: I swear to you, his dick wasn't any bigger than this! This piece of cheesecake! You should have seen the look on my face!
--Murray Hill Diner
Chick on cell: The phalluses got soft and were pulled offstage...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Thug: Girl, I know you miss my dick head, but I'm at the Apple Store!
--Tekserve, W 23rd & 6th
Man: It's Yom Kippur, and I'm here looking at Ian McKellen's penis.
--King Lear performance, Brooklyn Academy of Music
Overheard by: a little shocked at its size
Don't Wednesday One-Liner on the Electric Fence
Girl: This better be it, or I will pee on your leg. I'm serious this time.
--Union Square South
College girl: Wait. If you didn't pee in a jar, then where did you pee?
--Broadway
Drunk chick: I can not give you a no-pee guarantee.
--25th & 6th
Coworker to another: I think I have to stand in the bathroom with you. I just can't seem to get the right angle.
--Office, Midtown
Southern tourist lady looking at bathroom line: Well, can we pee on the street?
--Hirschfeld Theater
Get a Life, Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: This is your second chance for the A Train. Not so many times in life do you get a second chance. A Train -- across the platform.
--C train, 42nd St
Overheard by: deb
Tall black woman: Beyoncé! That bitch! She stole my life!
--PATH, 14th St
Overheard by: Adam A
Suit: You know, I made up my mind to eat Ritz crackers for the rest of my life, and dammit, I'm gonna enjoy it!
--54th & Park
Overheard by: fellow ritz lover
Chick: Then someone put on Linkin Park -- can you believe that? I had to just go in the back and smell some pretty soap and pretend I know what I'm doing with my life.
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: dave !
Commuter student: Yeah, you know, I want to have a life. I want to get my nails done.
--NYU
Overheard by: because really, what more is there to life?
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pussies
Man to friend: ... And then she put her pussy on my head.
--W 4th & 7th
Overheard by: Shaggy
Large black lady to friends: I mean, her vagina was fuckin' huge! You could put a whole fist in that thing!
--W 4th & 6th
Overheard by: Sophia Casanova
Teen girl on cell: I really wanted to be like, 'Listen, bud -- this isn't working, so can you please remove your fingers from my vagina?'
--B1 bus stop, Bensonhurst
Female: I think my vagina is malfunctioning.
--E 112th St
Overheard by: Mine, too
Loud guy to male friend: There's something about a vagina that just makes you evil! No offense.
--4th & Mercer
Overheard by: none taken
Wednesday One-Liners Taste Like Chicken
Dude to another: ... And he said he found a recipe for turning human beings into mutton.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Psychlone
Kid: Boogers taste like paste!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: paste eater
Chick: So I didn't know what it was... And then I put it in my mouth...
--Benny's Burritos
Man: I've never eaten a fetus that big...
--8th Ave, near 14th St
Professor: I mean, I was looking into Christianity, but then I was driven to cannibalism...
--Eugene Lang College
Jock: Man, the things I would eat out of her ass...!
--Union Square
I've Had It with These Motherfucking One-Liners on This Motherfucking Wednesday
Professor: Well, we're all fucking crazy lunatic motherfuckers anyway, so why the fuck does it matter?
--NYU
Overheard by: observer
Angry black woman on cell: Yo, man, it's like that old saying, 'Don't fuck with your employees, you motherfucker.'
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Damn Straight
Mom to infant waving bottle around: What the fuck? Are you fucking out of your mind?!
--Manhattan-bound Q train
Drunk next to wife: Hey! Where did those girls that I fucked go? Hey! I fucked you girls! What the fuck?
--LIRR
Conductor: Union Square, motherfuckers!
--Astoria-bound N train
Overheard by: Caroline & Skid
Angry Russian thug on cell: You want fuck? I give you fuck! I stab my cock into your heart!
--Houston & 2nd
Wednesday One-or-the-Other-Liners
Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl... boy... whatever-that-was can help!
--Times Square
Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.
--A train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Large black security guard, inspecting guy's Sephora bag: You da man!
--Hayden Planetarium
Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn't stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.
--Delancey & Orchard
Overheard by: Californian
Guy: I sirred a ma'am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma'am.
--33rd & Broadway
The Next Gay Sex Fad -- And You Were There!
Queer #1: Oooh, honey, you have an eyelash on you. Here, let me get it for you. Okay, now blow on it. [Queer #2 blows.] Come on, now, I've seen you blow harder than that. Hehehe. [Blows again.] There you go, honey. So, what did you wish for? You can tell me. I wanna know!
Queer #2: No, I can't tell you. It's a secret. It's a deep, dark secret and I won't tell you. Ever.
Queer #1: Well, I'll tell you what I would wish for. A unicorn horn. And you know where I'd put it. Yeah, down there.
Queer #2: Oh, man, that's an accident waiting to happen. And then a trip to the hospital.
--F train, W 4th St
I'm Regretting Removing the Tape from Your Mouth
Guy: You know -- it's Dow Jones and NASDAQ.
Girl: Who are they? Those guys that died?
--14th & Park Ave South
Entire Websites Are Founded on That Premise
Dude #1: Well, listen, dude -- there are many correct decisions you can make.
Dude #2: Yeah, but I want to make the right one!
Dude #1: I know. I mean, there are two issues. There's the cheating thing, which could, you know, really make her lose it, and there's breaking up with her when you go to Chile.
Dude #2: Yeah, at this point I feel like it's right to not tell her about the cheating. I mean, I'm a selfish person, and she knew that when we started dating.
Dude #1: Yeah, I mean, you are looking to emanate as much guilt as possible, and if you keep that to yourself, you don't have to worry about it.
Dude #2: Listen, I'm trying to emanate as much guilt as I can, but it's still tough. I just feel like she is so into me, and I mean, I think she's attractive, but on the other hand, I have dated more attractive girls.
Dude #1: Listen, man, you have to take care of yourself. That's always the right decision.
Dude #2: Well, I really worry about the cheating thing getting back to her.
Dude #1: Listen, dude, in the age of Facebook, nothing is private.
Dude #2, resigned: Totally.
--7th Ave, between 36th & 37th
It's Only Cocaine for the Rest of the Night, I Promise
Girl in stall #1: I am sooo wasted.
Girl in stall #2: I am so disappointed.
Girl in stall #1: In the show? I know, but they are so tired from being on tour, and it's the third night--
Girl in stall #2: --No, not that.
Girl in stall #1: Oh. Then why?
Girl in stall #2: Um...
Girl in stall #1: Because I'm drunk?
Girl in stall #2: Yeah.
Girl in stall #1: Oh.
--Bowery Ballroom
Overheard by: Foxy
Here's Binky to Explain
Old lady with dog in stroller: I've met you before.
Old lady with three dogs on a leash: Oh, really? Where?
Old lady with dog in stroller: You were at the nail shop. You asked me about my unitard.
--Christopher & Bleecker
... With a Camcorder
Distraught woman: So, you know, I got a flat tire... Not on the Honda, you know, the Volvo.
Friend: Right.
Distraught woman: Well, this guy comes over to help me, but it turns out he only stopped because he was a foot fetishist...
--1 train
Overheard by: probably why she was on the subway
Which Isn't Going into My Lock without a Condom
Girl #1: I mean, who has sex without protection? I know I'd always use a condom... If I ever had sex, that is.
Girl #2: But you'd never have sex.
Girl #1: Yes... Abstinence is key!
--Central Park
Unless You're Talking about the Bird, in Which Case, I'm Intrigued
Queer #1: What would you like to do tonight?
Queer #2: I wanna get high off your dickie.
Man: Ewww.
--Sam Ash Music Store, Queens
Dumbest and Dumber Still Opens to Mixed Reviews
Big black lady exiting movie: Yo, that shit was dumb.
Big black friend: Dumb shit.
Big black lady: For a second I thought it wasn't going to be dumb... But then it was.
Big black friend: Dumb, dumb, dumb shit.
Big black lady: Dumb!
Big black friend: Man, was that dumb.
Big black lady: Dumb.
--Loews, 34th St
Assuming You Enjoyed Any of That
Teen girl #1: How many guys have you slept with?
Teen girl #2: Let's see... There was the rape -- haha, remember that? I don't count him. Then there were the two guys I had butt sex with. Let's not count that either. I'd say about nine? I can't remember the exact number.
Teen girl #1: Oh, you're fine, then.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Claire
Isn't This an at-Home Conversation?
Little girl, squeezing mom's breast: Mom, what are these for?
Mom: Shhh...
Little girl: Mom, did I suck on them when I was littler?
Mom: Shhh...
Little girl: You know, Mom, like a cow? [Bends over and pretends to drink.]
Mom: Like a cow?
Little girl: Yeah, did I milk you like a cow?
--N train
I Mean, Unless You've Got Wolf Titties, or Something
Woman to friend: God, it's so hot! I'm going to take my shirt off once we get outside.
Random guy: Nice!
--Sullivan & Broadway
The Way They Speak French and All
Chirpy girl #1: Oh my god! They have peonies! How cute! I love peonies!
Chirpy girl #2: Me, too! Oh, wow, how cute!
French woman #1: Ooh-la-la... La pivoine! Pour le garçon?
French woman #2: Oui, oui.
Chirpy girl #1: Oh my god! It's an Italian! I love Italians!
Chirpy girl #2: Oh, wow! Me, too! Italians are so cute!
--Farmer's Market, Union Square
Now I Just Work There Part-Time As a Supplier
Dude: Hey! Good to see you... What are you doing here? I thought you were at Beth Israel?
Waitress on smoke break: Yeah, I was in the OR until they caught me in the janitor's closet doing coke.
--St Mark's Pl & Ave A
Overheard by: Vegas
To the Extent You Have Such a Thing
Guy #1, at urinal: Yo, that chick who came with Nancy -- smokin'.
Guy #2, in stall: Yeah, bro. Anna. I tagged the shit out of her once in her parents' house in Long Island.
Guy #1: No fucking way! You're such a douchebag.
Guy #2: I'm serious, man. It was kind of awkward and shit... I kept slipping off the bed -- it was tough to get in position.
Guy #1: Damn, you were that wasted?!
Guy #2: Nah, man, it was on her little brother's bed. He had rubber sheets and shit.
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: He's like a perpetual bed-wetter or some shit. Her bedroom was right next to her parents'... Totally fucked up my style.
--Bathroom, Sutton Place Bar
Overheard by: Cuthbert
We Can Keep Sleeping Together Though, Right?
Guy #1: Okay, so this news I have to tell you...
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: You're the first one I'm telling, so don't mention this to anyone yet -- I wanna be the one to break the news to everyone. It's big. And I don't want this to change anything between us or the guys -- I'm still the same James*. But it just feels right... I feel like it's time.
Guy #2, looking very uncomfortable: Uh, dude...
Guy #1: I know, you're gonna tell me I'm crazy. But I've actually been thinking about it for a long time [pulls velvet box out of jacket and opens it to reveal huge diamond ring].
Guy #2: Whoa, bro...
Guy #1: Dude... I'm gonna ask Danielle to marry me.
Guy #2: Oh, Jesus. Dude, that's awesome -- that's really great! Wonderful! I'm so happy for you!
Guy #1, accepting huge hug from guy #2: Wow, dude, you're really happy about this.
Guy #2: Bro, you have no idea what I thought you were gonna say.
--Park bench, Central Park
Overheard by: Highlight of my day
Don't Stop 'til You Hit Columbia
Creepy guy, with buddy: Hey, do you girls live here?
Girl: Yes.
Creepy guy: Do you know where the main street is with all the little streets coming off it?
Girl: Uh...
Creepy guy: Do you know where we can get some coke?
Girl: Oh, go that way.
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Otto
When Even Nerds Get Age-Vain, What Chance Do We Have?
Pushing-40 nerd #1: Dude, the Matrix trilogy is like the original Star Wars trilogy for my generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #2: Whatever, man. Dude, you're, like, 38. The original Star Wars trilogy is the Star Wars trilogy of your generation.
Pushing-40 nerd #1: Fuck you.
--Javits Center
I'll Be Late for Pilates!
Conductor: Due to train traffic ahead, this train will be going local to Roosevelt. Local to Roosevelt.
Three-year-old kid: Fuck!
--F train
Overheard by: Big J
As Long As I Can Keep the Nymphomania.
NYU guy: So, I finally realized I'm addicted to Mike Rowe's voice.
NYU girl: I think you should focus your therapy on the crippling pot and coke habit you can't kick, first.
--6 train
Overheard by: jimmyrow
Some People Have Monogrammed Towels...
Man: You keep two guns under your pillow?
Friend: One for the missus.
--St. Mark's & 1st
Overheard by: Sofar
Either That or a Nazi Jew
14-year-old black boy: Can we get off this block? I hate this block! I hate cops!
11-year-old black boy: Why?
14-year-old black boy: Because it's in black people's nature to hate cops.
11-year-old black boy, after long pause: So, you want to be a cop?
--123rd & 8th
Overheard by: Tanya
Headline by: kai
Runners-Up:
· "And Before the Session's Over Let's Talk About How You Hate Yo Momma 'cause She So Fat." - JohnnyB
· "Fuck It. You Wanna Play Robbers and Robbers?" - La Libertad
· "If They Can Beat You, Join 'em" - Sim Etrias
· "Look What It Did for Ice T" - Otter
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Got All That from Happy Feet?
Chick: I liked it. It wasn't like, 'Aw, too bad, it's the Holocaust.' It was more like, 'Yeah! The Holocaust!'
Friend: Plus, it didn't make me feel guilty about thinking Nazis are hot.
--AMC Theatres
Overheard by: Kelly
Who Are You?
Guy: I love you like I love sliced chicken...
Girl: Huh?
Guy: ... And I love sliced chicken.
--Mo Pitkin's
I've Been Meaning to Ask Mom and Dad Where They Got Those
Chick: Yeah, I've been dating my new boyfriend for two years now. About to make the big move into Brooklyn. Really exciting, except Brooklyn's so scary. We saw some neighborhoods that I really don't think I could walk around in late at night.
Dude: Yeah, but the East Village can be like that, too. The other day, there was this couple having a fight over their crack pipe. There were children present! But then they saw the kids and took it somewhere else.
Chick: Yeah, there were some people smoking crack at my birthday party, but I just thought they all had really fancy cigarette holders.
--L train, between 1st Ave & Bedford
Seems a Lot of Effort for a Two-Year Marriage
Woman #1: ... So he'll go to the one in Mexico, and I'll go to the one in Greece.
Woman #2: Yeah, I don't think I've been to a destination wedding yet.
--45th & Madison
Whereas You Have to Be Very Flexible for Lust to Feed Itself
Ghetto poser kid watching kids eat snacks: Stop the gluttony! Stop the gluttony! I see you! You're going to hell! [Snacks are eventually passed to him.] Ahhh... [takes a huge handful]. The gluttony will never end! The sin feeds itself!
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: fellow glutton
It's Also Great for Bondage, in a Pinch
Girl #1, about raffia ribbon: But the other place is like a dollar for three yards, so even if I don't want a hundred yards, I'd probably buy ten of those, so it would be ten dollars plus shipping, meaning I'd spend about the same but only have thirty yards instead of a hundred. So even though I don't need that many yards, I'd rather buy the hundred-yard spool just because it's so much better a deal. But who needs a hundred yards of raffia ribbon?!
Girl #2: Is there anything else you can do with it?
Random guy: There's so much you can do with raffia ribbon! You can wrap presents, do scrapbooking...! There are a million things!
--Canal & Hudson
That and This Cattle Prod
Salesguy #1, about teen crowd blocking the door: Do you want to tell them to leave?
Salesguy #2: No.
Salesguy #1: Why not?
Salesguy #2: Because I don't want to get my ass whooped, that's why! [Teens leave a few minutes later.] See, they're gone! It's all in the power of positive thinking!
--T-Mobile Store, 732 Broadway
What You Never Knew about Laura Bush
Girl #1: Yeah, it went alright. Except at one point I had this minor hallucinogenic flashback, and I just started staring at the floor while she was talking to me.
Girl #2: Haha. That's awkward.
Girl #1: Yeah... So, basically, it's really easy to get a job at a library.
--New School
Should We Even Stay for the Movie, Then?
Girl: This popcorn is soft. I hate soft popcorn.
Guy: I know, I hate soft-core, too. It's such a tease.
Girl: No, no. I was talking about the popcorn -- it's soft. But I agree: if there is no penetration, it's not worth my time.
--Ziegfeld Theater
The Planning for Suzy's Birthday Party Hits a Snag
Girl: Ew, look... I hate midgets.
Guy: But what about primordial dwarfs? You love them.
Girl: That's because they're in proportion.
--49th & 3rd
Didn't We Warn You about That?
Friendly white guy to black couple: Where are you people from?
Black chick: What do you mean 'you people'?!
--Cafe Habana
Overheard by: Ari
I Assumed That Habit Was Her Welding Smock
Soccer mom #1: She's a nun. Can't smoke, drink or get married...
Soccer mom #2: Really? I just thought she was very butch.
--Nyack NY BBQ
Overheard by: Jerry Comyn
Just Because They Keep Putting Bugs Down Their Pants?
Man, about others yelling in street: Yo! This is just like reality TV, man!
Passerby: You mean reality is?
Man: Uh...
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Maggie
A Night Tavern on the Green Staff Will Never Forget
Girl: ... So if it's green we'll know.
Guy: I once shit green.
Girl: Me, too.
--E 7th St
Only because It's Our Safe Word
Little boy pointing at mannequins: Bitch!
Mother: Hey! Didn't I tell you not to say that word? It's a bad word!
Little boy: That's not fair! You never yell at Daddy when he says that to you!
--Macy's, Herald Square
For Some Reason, after That Game We Drifted Apart
Guy, as David Wright comes up to bat and stadium erupts with cheers: Oooh, all the girls want David Wright.
Girlfriend: He's pretty good-looking... He's a hottie.
Guy: I'd totally do him... Yep, I would fuck David Wright even if he wasn't on the Mets.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Moving a few rows back...
I Do Not Share Your Reductionist Perspective
Hipster to friend about passing gaggle of hipsterettes: Dude, tits -- that's all you're staring at.
--Meserole St & Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: napalm kitty
... Like He's Been Begging Me to
Thugette: So, what you gonna do about him, then?
Thug: I swear to God, he even tries it again, I will pee on his face.
Thugette: You what?
Thug: No, seriously, I will. I will pee. On. His. Face.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Katie
I Just Wouldn't Talk to Her because She's Black
Black woman: Money for the homeless? [Blonde chicks walk by, ignoring her.] What? You think you're better than us? Fuckin' white bitches!
Blonde, as she and friends run away: Oh, please, like this is about race. I don't care if she's black or white -- I'm not giving her any fucking money to support her charity. Also known as a crack habit.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: don't donate either
That Poor Blow-Up Doll
Chick #1: I think he beats her, you know.
Chick #2: No!
Chick #1: Yeah. But that's just, like, how boys get out their frustration.
--Central Park
... So I Maced Him.
College girl: Whenever I tell anyone that I was there when you dislocated your shoulder they ask if it's my fault 'cause we were having sex.
20-ish guy: Hahaha! Yeah, me, too. I had one guy ask me, 'Did it happen while you were [pelvic thrusts] uh, uh, uh?'
College girl, excitedly: That's exactly what my dad said!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
From My Big Book of Imaginary Obstacles
Man: The last time I saw you it was cold, and now it's warm.
Woman: I know.
Man: I just don't know when to call you. I'm afraid that if I call you and you pick up when your husband is there, then we won't be able to talk.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Appaled
Who Says Jesus Goes Down Easy?
Catholic school girl #1: Stop itching it!
Catholic school girl #2: I just can't help it -- it hurts. I'm having serious bowel problems!
--N train
Overheard by: stephanie
Only Perfectly Healthy Pig Asses Went into These Babies
Jewish kid: Are these hot dogs AIDS-free?
Hispanic vendor, defensive: No, ese, no!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Lynne
I Don't Know How to Feel about That
Guy: Alright, bye, Corinne! Nice meeting you, Jess.
Jess: He was nice. How do you know him?
Corrine: ... My hand smells like penis. Does your hand smell like penis?
--Outside Bleecker Street Bakery
Overheard by: mine didn't
So Instead, I Bought Smack
Lady #1: I stopped myself from buying a snack today.
Lady #2: Oh, yeah? And how'd you do that?
Lady #1: I said, 'Self, don't buy a snack.'
--Ditmars-bound N train
Overheard by: Carmen
That's His Campaign Slogan, Anyway
Young man #1: You are better qualified for the job, right?
Young man #2: Yeah, but you know Father McLeavy is a clergical whore.
--B train
But You Have to Get AIDS If You Really Want to Keep It Off
Junior girl #1: I know! So many people are getting mono now -- it's ridiculous.
Junior girl #2: I know! Kaitlyn and I agreed that if one of us gets it, we're giving it to the other.
Junior girl #1: Why?
Kaitlyn: Because you get sooo skinny when you get mono! It's, like, the best way to lose weight!
Junior girl #1: Oh.
--Dining hall of private school
You Think They're Your Friends? That's So Cute.
Jogger girl #1: We should go out tonight to this cool new bar I heard of.
Jogger girl #2: Okay, where is it?
Jogger girl #1: Somewhere in the Fla-teer-on District.
Jogger girl #2: ... You mean the Flatiron District?
Jogger girl #1: Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I've been telling all my friends at work about it -- why haven't they corrected me?
--88th & York
Overheard by: Moderately amused
I Want to Be Loved for Who I Pretend to Be
Chick: One of my compatible matches looked like he must have been captain of his Dungeons and Dragons club back in school, and he said that he recently cut off his hair and donated it to Locks of Love, which is a nice thing to do, but then I had to imagine what he would look like with this horrible ponytail...
Guy: Like a music major ponytail, or, no-- an AV Squad?
Chick: Yeah, exactly. So, needless to say, I deleted that match.
Dude with long hair, beret, beard, trench coat, and glasses standing nearby: I'm going home and changing my MySpace page right now.
--4 train
Overheard by: megwal
Like Where Mommy Stores Her Tension
Four-year-old girl reading tag on the platform: B-A-C-K-F-A-T!
Supportive dad: Yeah, honey! That spells 'back fat'!
--Ft. Hamilton Pkwy station
Overheard by: howardbannister
Or Just Tell You to Burn Things, Like My Voices?
Kid: Hi! My name is Chris.
Employee: Hello.
Kid: What's that on your head?
Employee: It's a headset, so I can hear people talk.
Kid: Do they tell you secrets?
--Dunkin' Donuts
And the Forty?
TSA employee to people in line: All liquids and gels are prohibited beyond this point. Dispose of them now.
Four-year-old boy to father: Aw, man! Does that mean I have to get rid of my pimp juice?
--LaGuardia
Yeah, That's What I'll Miss the Most
Guy #1: He left me yesterday.
Guy #2: What a cock sucker.
--E 2nd St & Gravesend Neck Rd
Lies! I Saw That Baby Photo of You in the Bandana.
College girl #1: So you're saying that if you didn't meet her at such a vulnerable time in your life, you wouldn't be a lesbian?
College girl #2: Right.
--LIRR
Overheard by: kdavs
I've Been Yearning to Test Out My New Guillotine, Anyway
Bag lady #1: Keep movin', lady! You just keep movin'!
Bag lady #2: I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I'll cut the police commissioner's neck off! I'll cut his neck off!
--7th Ave, between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: CKJ
Not with So Many People, Anyway.
Woman #1: I wish he would do me like that more often.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: So I wouldn't have to cheat on him anymore.
--40th & Park
This Must Be That "New York Flair" We've Been Hearing So Much About
Ghetto girl crossing against the light, as cabbie honks: Dat's right! Dat's right! Dat's right! Hit me! I needs the fuckin' money!
Brit tourist, waiting for 'Walk' light: Oh, how charming.
--32nd & 7th
Overheard by: Just Trying to Make My Train
I Don't Think Normal Has Much to Do with That, Dude
College kid: So, your mom still threw you in the bathtub when you were 12 years old?
Unfortunate friend: Yeah. But, I was, like, a hundred pounds back then!
College kid: But dude, like, sponge bath?
Unfortunate friend, incredulously: Yeah! Like all the normal bathtub shit!
--Washington Square Park
Here, Take the Address of This Leather Bar
Queer tourist: What are your favorite places to go?
Local girl: I love the Met.
Queer tourist: What is that?
Local girl: The greatest art museum. It is so amazing.
Queer tourist: So, there's art there?
Local girl: Um, yeah. It's an art museum.
Queer tourist: So, it's all art?
--R train platform, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Isn't the Future Great?
Girl #1: Feminism is about choice. For example, I choose not to be Susie Homemaker and you choose not to be a dominatrix.
Girl #2: That's true.
--6th & 5th, Park Slope
Plus, He's Six Months Old
Girl #1: Would Nick like this?
Girl #2: What, walking here? In this place?
Girl #1: I'm asking.
Girl #2: No way. Nick just wouldn't get this.
Girl #1: How do you mean?
Girl #2: Nick wouldn't get this. For Nick if it doesn't, like, have boobies every 90 seconds, he just switches off.
Girl #1: Right.
--The Met
Overheard by: Cliff
The Movie That Made New York What It Is Today
Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I'm walkin' here! [Turns to people behind him] Where's that from?
Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!
--50th & Broadway
Bad Things Happen to Tightly-Cinched Fat
Woman in dressing room: Dear God!
Employee: Ma'am, is everything okay?
Woman, bursting from room and throwing corset at employee: Just-- Just take this far away from me!
--Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
No, I Was Wrong. Sorry.
Voice of girl #1 from cell: Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?
Girl #2, into cell: Well, if you would shut the fuck up, then I could hear you!
--Houston & Broadway
Not As Much As Susan Sarandon Does, Though
Chick #1: Earl Warren was a schmuck.
Chick #2: Yeah, he was.
Chick #1: Plus, he looked like Admiral Ackbar.
--Taxi, West Side Hwy
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Another Inconvenient Truth
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, we should totally go to Olive Garden. It's sooo good.
Girl #2: Honestly... Never say that again.
--Times Square
He Claimed to Have Accidentally Pulled the Voting Lever for Bush
30-ish woman #1: Did you hear what happened to Peter?
30-ish woman #2: Yeah, and I can't believe his father did it!
30-ish woman #1: Yeah, that's much worse than if it was, like, their neighbor!
--15th & Union Square West
Overheard by: Can't believe he did it either!
UN Negotiators Don't Have the Tact They Used To
Vendor to lady haggling in Chinese: We're not Chinese -- we're Vietnamese. Fuck off.
--Canal St
Overheard by: tj
Headline by: Chris
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Make Me Shank You" - Joeritos
· "Even They Can't Tell Each Other Apart." - marko
· "Everyone's a Rittle Bit Lacist" - Mikey G.
· "The Melting Pot Is Full" - Ecc
· "You Say Tǔ Dòu (potato) and I Say Khoai Tây (po-tah-to)" - H2
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Perhaps It's Time to Stop Breast-Feeding You?
11-year-old boy smiling mischievously: Mom, I've been desiring a lot lately.
Frazzled UES mom: Would you please stop doing that?
--80th & York
Overheard by: Nicole
Her Name's Shannon, I Think?
White teen: Can I get you anything else, sir?
Black man, eating: I don't mean to sound racist, but can I get me some more of that white meat?
--All Souls Soup Kitchen
Overheard by: phia
We're Only Conformist about Keeping Kosher
Blonde: Do you have a first name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a last name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a middle name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: No.
Blonde: Well, I wanna annoy you. What's your conformation name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: I'm Jewish.
Blonde: So?
--21st & 1st
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Mind If You Put Your Hand Up There
Man selling handmade finger puppets: It's the only place you can give someone the finger without being offensive!
--58th & Madison
Overheard by: Suriya
Loud Brit to no one in particular: No matter what happens, I will not be a puppet!
--9th & 4th station
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Skinny, dirty guy: I'm your fuckin' puppeteer, bro. I'll crawl right into your asshole and control your every move.
--Houston
Overheard by: AdHoculi
History grad student: It's a long story. And much better if told with finger puppets.
--Library, Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners?
Girl: Is it spring that makes the cherry blossoms bloom, or the cherry blossoms that make spring bloom?
--Hunter College cafeteria
Overheard by: Traczie
Tourist chick looking at subway map: Is the Irish pub on here?
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Dee Phunk
Woman on cell, looking at directions: Numbers go up, right?
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: V
Tourist girl: Manhattan is an island?! Is it a man-made island?
--N train
Overheard by: Sirius
Chick to friend: What religion is Buddha the king of?
--Central Park
Blonde: Why haven't they just fixed the economy already?
--L train
Overheard by: widdershawns
Wednesday One-Liners Have Great Personalities
Guy smoking with his buddy, disgusted: Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, 'Oh my god, I can't believe someone is attracted to me'?
--44th & 7th
Overheard by: Michelle
Street vendor, as homely Brazilian chicks pass: You are a disgrace to the country of Brazil! Ugly!
--46th & 6th
Man on cell: Eh, she was kinda lizardy-looking...
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: sean
Smoking street vendor chick to friends: I mean, if you're going to be ugly, at least be articulate.
--N 6th & Bedford
Girl to another: I mean, I think he is attractive, but it took me a while to think that.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Extra Mayo
Black guy: White guys look at women more holistically.
--Q station, Cortelyou Rd
Overheard by: LC
Little boy: Why do white people say, 'Like, like, like, like, like'? Is that the only word in their vocabulary?
--14th & Broadway
18-year-old thug, as doors open: Bye, all you white folk! Buh-bye!
--A train, Howard Beach/JFK stop
Overheard by: Thompson
Thug: Yo, I just watched a white kid get tasered on the news last night, and I was like, 'Yeah, yeah, get him!'
--181st & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: I knew that kid
Three-year-old girl to no one in particular: The white man is everywhere. [Mother looks at her, puzzled. Girl gazes up at crosswalk sign] The white man tells us when to go.
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Damn the man!
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing
Young boy to another, whispering: I'm gonna knock you off ,and then I'm gonna steal your M&Ms.
--FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: amused tourist
Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I'm going to come here and steal all the stop signs.
--Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Suriya
Angry queer suit as a Honda's car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: C. Gray
Thug: Look, these glasses are f'real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!
--125th & Broadway
Hipster chick on cell: Why don't you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?
--2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jake
Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it's easier to steal things!
--11th & University
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Little Something Behind
Teacher: Little known fact -- you can still get crabs even if you wear a condom. Those suckers just jump from one person to the next, and then you have to go to the doctor and say, 'Yes, I'm a dirty human being.'
--Bronx Science
Woman with wine glass on cell: Your sister is about to fuck my ex-husband and FYI -- he has herpes.
--Outside the Hudson Hotel
Yuppie to chick: You look like you have herpes, but I'd sleep with you anyways.
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: A. Bystander
Chick on cell: Dude, like when Princeton claimed everything was confidential from our parents, but I got a copy of a bill they sent them that said, clearly, 'Chlamydia and gonorrhea test...'
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF.
Chick to friends: That's a story for when you're fucking and you say, 'Hey, you only get AIDS once...'
--10th & Ave B
Wednesday One-Liners Promote Cavities
Big lady: What!? No snow cones? For shame! For shame, motherfucker.
--Bodega, 31st & 2nd
Overheard by: liza
80-ish woman: When has the proof ever been in the pudding?!
--N train
Mom to kid: What do you want? No candy, so don't even look down there. Do you want a doughnut?
--Fire Island Ferry Terminal
Girl to frat boy: Uh, yeah, I just wanted to let you know what happened last night. You squirted maple syrup into my eye and my contact fell out! I had to walk home with one eye and syrup in the other!
--Union Square
Overheard by: BSBJ
White boy eating pocky: Now, the most important rule of pocky is this -- do not let Asian kids know that you have pocky, because they will rape you for it, and then you will not have anymore pocky.
--Stuyvesant High
Ghetto girl: Tameesha! What? Ain't nothin' organic 'bout no fudge!
--The Met Market, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
Wednesday One-Liners Sharpen Their Shanks
Thugette on cell: Yeah, I'm planning on getting arrested this weekend. That's my new thing now. Instead of going to the club and shit, I'm just going to get arrested.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Metrosexual: Oh my god! Did you hear that Paris Hilton just escaped from prison?
--Broadway & Prince
Mom eating fried chicken: I always thought Penn Station stop was named after a penitentiary...
--A train
Overheard by: Denning
Mocking cop to dude he just arrested: You've got jail!
--West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Got Soul
Hobo with shopping cart, singing: Every day I pick my nose! Every day I pick my nose! Every day I pick my nose! I pick my big, goddamn nose!
--W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: David M Pasteelnick
Cop singing into loudspeaker of police van flashing its lights: Kumbaya, my Lord! Kumbaya! Oooh, Lord, kumbaya!
--23rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Gus
Crazy hobo, singing: I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. Everybody! [Crowd stares.] Oh, Lord, kumbaya!
--11th Ave, between 51st & 52nd
Overheard by: Amused Tourist
Small boy and girl singing: Jesus! Jeeesus! Jesus in the morning, Jesus in the evening... Jeeesuuusss...
--Wendy's, Bayside, Queens
Overheard by: smh
Two old black ladies, singing: New York City condoms, New York City condoms! Protect yourself in somebody else. [Clap once, then] New York City condoms!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gemma
A Silken Swirl of Wednesday One-Liners
Yelling guy: Why did you swallow?! Laura, why did you swallow?! Why did you swallow?! Laura, why did you swallow?!
--12th & Ave A
Overheard by: Johnny Twisto
Guy on cell: Are you going to give me some fellatio? Chicka-chicka-bow-bow. Some felaysh, hm?
--66th & 1st
Overheard by: misplacedpom
Woman on cell: She can't suck dick to save her life!
--51st & 5th
High maintenance lady to male friend: So he said to me, 'Let me get a blow job,' and so I said to him, 'Not until I get a boob job!'
--39th & 6th
Chick: So, he comes back to my place and I gave him a blow job. Then in the morning he was gone, but he left $22.50 on the table. Is that weird?
--Brooklyn
Just Say No to Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: So, the ecstasy turned out to be Excedrin.
--Financial District
Stooped street character: Free drugs for teenagers! Free drugs for teenagers!
--Spring St, between Thompson & Sullivan
Overheard by: Monica P.
Boy to girl: Giving up marijuana is like giving up sandwiches -- it just doesn't make sense.
--Washington Square Park
Southern tourist to dreadlocked conductor: Does the ticket come with marijuana, or is that extra?
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
Cop: The park is closed! Please take your cocaine, your heroin, and your mari-ji-juana elsewhere!
--Washington Square
Wednesday One-Liners Still Add on Their Fingers
Guy in line, to girl: So, I guess we could go to the TKTS booth and see how much the half-off shows are. They're usually like 30 or 50 percent cheaper.
--Starbucks, Times Square
Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you said you were running a few minutes late and you showed up two days later!
--Spring & Greene
Desperate guy: I don't care if she's between a two and a ten, just so long as she's not a one!
--Spring & Mulberry
Overheard by: Eddie
Enthusiastic chick: You know what they say -- hindsight is 50-50!
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: David
Eight-year-old boy to female friend: ... At a rate of interest of five point three-five percent...
--W 81st St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Blonde: I can pretend to be just one person!
--30th St, Astoria
And They Say This Generation Has No Heroes
Slacker: ... So I told them, stick close behind me and I'll get you out of this. And there was about five of them, and they stuck close behind me and I got them all out.
Slackerette: And you were Johnny-on-the-spot with my overflow toilet!
--15th & 8th
Fordham Girls Often Eat Their Young
Chick: Seriously, surrogate mothers get paid so much money. If I was dirt-poor, I'd totally be one.
Guy: Yeah, but isn't that a lot of work?
Chick: Well, the way I look at it is it's like Thanksgiving. The surrogate mother is like an oven, and the baby is like a turkey that's just sent there for nine months to cook. Some surrogate mothers are like, 'Whatever, just let it cook 'til it's done,' whereas some other surrogate mothers put more effort into it -- like they'll add some gravy... or garlic... Mmm...
Guy: Have you forgotten that we're talking about babies?!
--Cafeteria, Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Put That Hose Away, Would Ya?
Fireman #1: You never hook me up!
Fireman #2: Uh...
Fireman #1: How many years have I known you, and you never once hooked me up?
Fireman #3: Well, that's 'cause you're disgusting.
--Fire Dept., Great Jones St
It's Funny 'til Somebody Pokes an Eardrum Out
Lady: Oh my god, I've heard this song before!
Patron: It's all ABBA music, jackass.
--Mamma Mia, Winter Garden Theatre
Overheard by: Todd
More Improvisational Theater from the Good People at the MTA
Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You're only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off!
Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on.
Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We're going express!
--7 train, Junction Blvd
Sorry, Science, but Blowjobs Were Here First
Queer #1: So, whatever happened with you and the dude who looked like Bill Nye the Science Guy?
Queer #2: I gave him a ride home, and then he gave me head in his driveway.
Queer #1: Shut up!
Queer #2: I know!
Queer #1: Science rules.
--NYU
There Are Black People in Connecticut?
White boy: I'd never be intimidated by the black people in Connecticut after spending a few days here.
White girl: You think the black people here are intimidating?
White boy: Like, I'd walk up to a couple black guys at home after being here and just be like, 'Excuse me,' if they were standing in my way.
--Lafayette & Claussen
Now, Mr. Rogers, You Know That Isn't True
Woman: Go panhandle in your own neighborhood!
Young panhandler: I don't have a neighborhood.
--23rd & 8th, Chelsea
Overheard by: mike pratt
Or Was That Satan, to Test Us? I Always Forget.
Bimbette: Oh, that's that guy Darwin.
Dude: Didn't he invent Darwinism?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: JBL
To Pop Out and Frighten Small Children?
Girl #1: Why do people get glass eyes? Can you see out of them?
Girl #2: No, I don't think so.
Girl #1: Then what's the point?
--34th St station