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November 2007 Archives
"Bang Them Bitches" Is Gangsta for "Mommy, Love Me!"
Thug #1: Man, this nigga is so gangsta.
Thug #2, sharing thug #1's headphones: Word. Although, really I think he just raps like that because he's really vulnerable right now.
--L train, 1st Ave
Overheard by: kanye's therapist
Now I Remember Why I Stopped Having Kids
Little kid, refusing to eat soup: I already ate a chicken patty this morning!
Mother: Shhh. Do you see anyone else in this place yelling?
Little kid: You're making me yell!
Grandmother: Eat the soup.
Little kid: Stop making me yell!
--Panera Bread
Overheard by: happened to be working on my laptop
Mom Had Quite a Mouth on Her
Customer: How you doin'?
Postal worker: I'm working harder than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Customer: Sounds pretty bad.
Postal worker: Well, it's better than my mother. She used to say she was working harder than a one-legged whore working both sides of the street.
--Grand Central Post Office, 45th & Lex
What Exactly Do You Do with Your Earlobe, Anyway?
Creepster #1: Oh, man! I'm scared I'd never be able to have sex again.
Creepster #2: Naw, man, it isn't that bad. Just make sure they pierce it in the right spot.
--9th & 6th
If It's a Girl, Make Sure You Have a Video Camera
Dad: What are you going to do if a boy tries to kiss you?
Little girl: Bop him on the head.
Dad: That's right -- bop him on the head with a stick.
--1 train
Overheard by: Frank Kelly
Stop Singing and Lick Me
Chubby chick #1: Oh my god, you know who I look like and who I sound like? I saw like this really, really old CD of Barbara Cook, and she's so much fatter than me, but we sing exactly alike! [Sings.]
Chubby chick #2: I don't really think I look like anybody. That's not true -- I look like a Gummi Bear.
--Starbucks, 52nd & Lex
People Play Board Games without Smoking Pot?
Boy #1: So, I thought of something to make our image seem cooler.
Boy #2: What?
Boy #1: Whenever we talk about playing board games, we call it 'smoking pot.'
Boy #2: Oh, man, we smoke a lot of pot.
--Metro-North
I Don't Know Why Not
Queer #1: Sex with Nordic guys? That's like revenge sex for the Holocaust.
Queer #2: The Nordics? They weren't... Well... They weren't so bad. Plus, you can't keep blaming the fact that you're a huge whore on the Holocaust!
--Wall & William St
These Days, My Intelligence Is Globally Distributed
Guy: I liked it. What'd you think?
Date: It was okay, I guess. I don't know about the ending, though.
Guy: Well, I'm pretty sure it has some deeper meaning. I'll have to check some message boards and find out.
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Hopefully Not Someone Too Chunky
Passenger, after 30 minutes of delay: What do you suppose is going on up there?
Conductor, matter-of-factly: Someone is splattered all over the tracks for sure.
--Grand Central-bound Metro-North
But, Um... Do Some Women Have Testicles?
Suit #1: Anal leakage... I'm sorry, man.
Suit #2: Yup. No joke, though. That's the first and last time I'll be doing that.
Suit #1: Was she hot?
Suit #2: Couldn't tell. I had my eyes closed the whole time.
--6 train
I Took Him Shopping
Queer #1: I had a dream last night that I had cancer, but Ty Pennington showed up and built me a house!
Queer #2: The real question is, did you also have sex with him in the dream?
Queer #1: Come on, that would have been tacky!
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Kyle
To Forget How Bald You Are?
Little kid, jumping up and down: Mommy, Mommy! Are you baaald?
Mother, covering face with hand: I need a drink.
--168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff Bury the Hatchet
Girl #1: I'm so glad we're finally hanging out!
Girl #2: I've been drunk since two o'clock.
--BAM Opera House
Overheard by: It's 8 o'clock now
The Subway Is Something Else Entirely
Bus driver, swinging door open: If you ain't good-lookin', y'all ain't gettin' on my bus! [Girls outside stare.] I said, if you ain't good-lookin', you ain't gettin' on board!
Girl, slowly taking step: Well... I'm getting on this bus...
Bus driver: That's right! That's right! 'Cause you good-lookin'! Get your ass in here!
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: specialK
How Could You Not Love This Town?
Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I'm... sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I'm sleeping with a dominatrix. And it's all true.
--Whole Foods
That Is the Rule
10-year-old boy tourist: When are we going to eat?!
Teen brother: Shut up!
10-year-old boy tourist: I don't have to shut up! I'm in New York!
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Rick
These Ridiculous Earmuffs, for One Thing
Four-year-old: Daddy, what's that?
Dad: It's a siren. Are you serious? What's wrong with you?
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Sarahcasm
Sean Preston Says What We're All Thinking
Mom: You're just making me frustrated right now.
Whining toddler: And you're making me stupid!
--16th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Oh, for Chrissake, Alice -- It's Not a Fucking Hymn!
Middle-aged lady: Okay, we're here. Do you want to do this? [Friend shakes head.] Well, you said you wanted to. Come over here with me. This is what we were planning. [Friend doesn't move.] Let's do this now. [Begins to sing] Imagine there's no heaven...
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Don't Do Any Additional Killing
MTA announcement: Due to an earlier incident, service on the number one line is running slowly. Please be patient.
Girl on stairs: Please be patient... What do they mean?
--59th St station
Overheard by: Sibyl
I'll Make a Toast with My 40 and Put a Cap in Your Ass with My .38
Son: I wasn't talking about drinking champagne.
Mom: You don't know anything. You make a toast with champagne, not 40s!
--Bushwick
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Headline by: Hobo Whisperer
Runners-Up:
· "Miss Manners Said So" - John
· "Not According to "Martha Stewart's Bronx Living", Mom" - Gabbertoons
· "Parenting on the Rocks?" - crystal
· "Shows What You Know About the Elite and Enviable Life Of the Fratboy." - danielle
· "Spike Lee Fights the Power" - glenntronic
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
At Least According to My Underwear
Drunk girl: We're totally those 20-something assholes that are drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drunk friend: It's Wednesday, you dumbass!
Sober friend: Um, it's Thursday!
--14th & 5th, Park Slope
What's with All the Racist Dogs?
Black guy #1: Dude, humans got all sorts of unique smells and shit.
Black guy #2: Man, that's why dogs love white people.
--Marcus Garvey Park
... Having Everybody Point and Laugh at You
Teen #1: Once, on the subway, I saw this guy and he was jerking off. Can you believe it?! Jerking off!
Teen #2: Jerking off on the subway?! That's got to be unhealthy!
--M96 bus
Wednesday One-Liners Get Lockjaw
Thug: I really gotta figure out a new way to ask for a blowjob.
--Soho
Overheard by: Emily McInerney
Guy to coworkers: So wait, a blowjob is exactly like sitting on a toilet?
--40th & 6th
Lady: Oy! Don't even get me started... Unless we're talking about gay men blowing each other, in which case, I have no problem with that.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Drunk girl to friend hooking up: Just suck his dick and let's go...
--Bar, Brooklyn
Chick on cell: Ah, bottle fellatio. I remember doing that in high school for a bunch of guys.
--Amtrak into Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen after HIV workshop: Yo, don't have anal, bro. Get your penis licked!
--Banana Kelly High School, Bronx
Overheard by: nooners
Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners
Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos... They hurt like hell!
--St. Mark's Pl
Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a 'W' tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a 'W' tattooed on the inside of the other!
--JMZ
Dude: Well, I've got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.
--Bedford & N 7th
Overheard by: Dylan
Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!
--Dean & DeLuca
TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners
Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big... thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules... And what are they for? I mean, they're to kill people... And I am anti-violence.
--NYU bus
Overheard by: Moose
Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?
--Woodside Station
Overheard by: Jesse
NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die... Then it turned out to be right.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: only cats have nine lives
Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is... the death penalty.
--Amtrak to Boston
Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!
--Washington & Rector
Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: ... And it's not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.
--E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl
Overheard by: Liz A
There's No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!
Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that's right -- crying about how my life turned out.
--Rachel's Restaurant
Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it's really a family bonding experience, so it's good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that's even better!
--Shea Stadium
Drug dealer to crying girl: Don't cry. Buy some weed.
--Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson
Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!
--L platform, Lorimer.
Overheard by: einladle
Stoner: If by crying you mean 'ice cream and ecstasy,' then yeah.
--9th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ryan H
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George
Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I'm from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I'm retarded or something... Nope... Just from the South.
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Overheard by: Tomato
NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don't want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!
--Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Big white dude on cell: ... And that's why we're obviously killing people -- because people are retarded.
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: fast walker
Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.
--61st & Amsterdam
Woman to gay friend: You're not retarded -- you're just creative.
--19th & 8th
Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners
Student: It's true -- Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.
--Harry S.Truman High
Overheard by: Anya
Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!
--E train, Queens
Overheard by: Anya
Guy in heated debate: No, I told you -- everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!
--Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Amy
Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!
--110th & Broadway
Professor: I don't want to be chocolate.
--Bard High School Early College
Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma'am, I am 52 years old. What's an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?
--34th St station
Wednesday, As in "One-Liners"
Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette...
--Broadway-Lafayette platform
Man on cell: A is for fuckin' apple!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!
--6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That's Q, as in 'quickie...' Which y'all better not be havin' on my train!
--Q train to 57th St
Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in 'zebra,' or Z as in 'xylophone'?
--Doctor's office, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: Heavy D
To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner
Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!
--Penn Station
College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It's magical, yet haunting, yet I'm terrified but don't want it to stop. It's taken over my mind. So don't even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.
--Columbia University
Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.
--School bus stop, 5th & 5th
Chick: I know, and I'm addicted to dreams, too!
--Broadway & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Janet
Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.
--Metro-North, 125th St
There's a Law Against Wednesday One-Liners in Alabama
Woman playing with touchable exhibits, to friend: You know, we never used riding crops until our wedding night.
--Museum of Sex
Hot chick on cell: I just made a first date for tonight... Fifteen minutes later I remember the hickeys I have on my neck. [Long pause, then] That said, it's a date with a guy I met while I was wearing a collar, so maybe bite marks are, like, expected of me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Chick on cell: How can I be a submissive if we're listening to the Eurythmics?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Hot chick on cell: My only problem is randomly spanking strange women.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Drunk girl to drunk guy: So, after our conversation last night, I Googled 'circle jerk.' Is that something you guys do often?
--The Hairy Monk, 27th & 3rd
A Slutathon of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: So, I ended up giving him head in a closet at Allie's party. Am I a skank? Yes. Do I care? No.
--Starbucks
Chick on cell: I have casual, meaningless sex. It's what I do. It's like a cornerstone of my life... Yeah, so why is he calling me to tell me what he's buying at the grocery store? It's like, 'Call your fucking girlfriend for that.'
--E 93rd & 2nd
Overheard by: aunt petunia
Man on cell: ... Coming from a woman who's having an adulterous affair. Yes, I'm a total slut. I take no offense at that.
--Broadway, between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Saucy chick: I was hoping you had a juicy connection to him via a slutty friend at Oberlin.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Chick on cell: Of course I will be in your wedding party, as long as you don't call me 'maid.' I looked up the definition, and it means 'sexually inexperienced.' They don't call it 'man-whore of honor.'
--Bus stop, Flatbush & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lala
Dude to chick: Having self respect is too hard. You should be a slut. At least for a little while.
--Chambers St
Overheard by: maria
Wednesday and Its One-Linericiousness
Black chick to friend: Are you sure you want to invite them? They aren't re-niggers, are they? You know, niggers that renege a lot?
--Dressing room, Roosevelt Field Mall
Overheard by: horrified in the next dressing room
Guy on cell: They fucked with me! I need to get into those classes, and now I won't graduate 'til... Neveruary!
--9th & 2nd
Bimbette on cell: But you can't lollygag! You can't even textygag!
--Metro-North
Professor: Hmmm... Blackboard is down... That could be problematical.
--Baruch College
Overheard by: I Am McLoVey
Young mom to squirming toddler: Why is you beastin'?
--Lexington Ave
This Crazy Little Thing Called Wednesday One-Liners
Lesbian hipster to girlfriend, smiling: I love that you get on my nerves now!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Dan
Hoochie on cell: Look, I love you -- you're my best friend -- but if I don't hang up this phone, I'm going to tell you what I really think, and you'll be pissed.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: EthanK
WASP yuppie on cell: We were really proud of ourselves... And then we stayed in a loving place all day.
--N train platform, Astoria
Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.
--34th & 30th
Homeland Security: We're on It!
Woman on cell: Oh, I almost forgot -- I heard a Muslim fart today! I know! I knew you'd be excited!
--JFK
Overheard by: Kate
You Look a Lot Less Like You in Person
Man #1: What is going on here?
Man #2: They are filming the new Sex in the City movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. They have the entrance to the subway blocked off.
Man #1: Wonderful. I wouldn't even know what Sarah Jessica Parker looks like.
Woman nearby: Hi. I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
Man #1: Nice to meet you. Can I go home now?
Sarah Jessica Parker: Sure, go ahead.
--Outside 6 train entrance
Overheard by: Matt
Nice Talking to You
Hot chick: So, the first time I got drunk, I was drinking whiskey.
Yuppie dude: The first time I got drunk, it was Baileys Irish Cream.
Hot chick: Oh... My friend just told me that was a fat girl drink.
--Bar, Chelsea
Overheard by: two stools over
But at Least It Wasn't Mary Jane
Tween #1: Dude, guess what I found in my brother's drawer?
Tween #2: Pot?
Tween #1: No, it's so much worse. Marijuana!
--Hammerstein Ballroom
More Like the Reason We Need Them
Dad: Let's go to St. Patrick's!
Kid: ... Is that another bar?
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Kelly
And Yourself?
Woman: Hello.
Guy: What?
Woman: I said hello.
Guy: Oh. It sure is, it sure is.
--315 Hudson St
Overheard by: Lalaith
Until They Fall on You
Tiny Asian girl: She was massive! And you know how, like, sometimes the trains don't open both doors and they just open one? She could barely get in. And then when she finally squeezed through, she took up, like, three fucking seats.
Skinny brunette: That's crazy. You never see fat people.
--24th & 8th
Overheard by: Frank P.
A True Gentleman Always Puff-Puff-Passes
Gangsta #1, to cat-calling friend: Man, that's rude.
Gangsta #2: Shut up! You smoke in front of your grandma.
--S 2nd & Bedford Ave
So If She Kills Her Fiancé, She Can Be Forgiven
Lady #1: Yes, my sister did end up getting pregnant by the guy, but her fiancé doesn't know yet. She doesn't know what she is going to do.
Lady #2: What about having an abortion?
Lady #1: Oh, no, she's Catholic!
--Restaurant, 77th & 3rd
Overheard by: Addie
Don't Help with My Homework Anymore, Okay?
Mom: Look at the sea lions, buddy!
Little boy: I don't see any lions.
Mom: Well, they're not really lions -- they're whales, just like dolphins!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Why isn't there birth control in the water supply?
CIA: Hmmm...
Grandson: I wanna watch that show Chuck -- about the spy.
Grandma: Cluck? It's called 'Cluck'?
Grandson: Chuck. He's a spy.
Grandma: Cluck? Like a chicken?
Grandson: Grandma, you're stupid.
Grandma: I just don't think a chicken would make a good spy. He'd always be clucking.
Grandson: He's not a chicken, he's a spy.
Grandma: But then again, no one expects a chicken... Damn chickens...
--L train
As Did Flower
Girl: You went out with a girl named 'Flower'?!
Boy: You have very big boobs.
--Brooklyn Public Library, Coney Island
Overheard by: breaking the library rules
The Gender Double Standard: Exposed.
Eight-year-old girl #1 while shopping for costume: Oooh! We can be a flasher! Let's be a flasher!
Eight-year-old girl #2: Yeah! A flasher!
Mom: No, you cannot be a flasher. You can't go to school dressed as a flasher.
Teen son: But I can!
--Costume store, 11th & 4th
Overheard by: Big E
At the Dementia Semifinals
Crazy guy: ... And all the companies of the New York Stock Exchange -- I own them all... And you invest in them with my peanuts... And Sarah bought all the real estate in New York City with my money -- it's all mine.
Hobo: Bullshit. That squirrel over there sold it to me for an acorn.
Crazy guy: Shut up, bitch, before I throw you off my island!
--Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
If I Have to Wait for Godot, I'm Gonna Pregame
Drunk student, after stumbling down the aisle: Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom?!
Guy in next row to girl beside him: I don't think we're the only ones who came to the play drunk.
--Collins Theater, Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
At the Flawed Logic Semifinals
Drinker #1: I stopped on the way home last night and grabbed a bottle of wine.
Drinker #2: No, we have a rule -- no drinking anymore on weeknights.
Drinker #1: Oh, no, it was fine. I already had beer at work.
--46th & 6th
Speaking of the Girls in Binghamton
Lady: So my friend from Binghamton went up for homecoming, and he meets some townie. They had sex in an alley and then the hotel elevator and then the hotel room. But the funny thing was, he took the condom off midway...
Bewildered, agitated man: Wow.
Lady: So now all his friends think he has a disease.
Bewildered, agitated man: Did you know that cows say 'moo'?
--Midtown
Overheard by: Mark Consuelos
Oh, Alanis, Are You Happy with Yourself?
Skinny girl #1: Have you ever seen fat people eat?
Skinny girl #2: Come to think of it, I haven't.
Skinny girl #1: I know! Isn't that what they call ironic?
--NYU
Nothing Fucking Happens in Alabama
Southern lady whining to friend in same bathroom stall: She has three kids now, and I'm not the godmother for any of them! But she's the godmother for my kid... What the fuck is that? Y'know, the godparents are supposed to care for your kids if you die. I would never let her care for my kids.
Friend: This doesn't happen in Alabama.
--40th & 6th
The Lox-and-a-Schmear Internship
Bimbette: He's a med student at Ein-- Einstein.
Friend: Is that the bagel place?
Bimbette: I don't know. I have to look it up.
--NYU Law
Overheard by: If by
You Tell Me -- He's Right There Next to the Tuna
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how's he doing?
--Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· "'Great Listener' Is On Her Resumee" - Denny
· "Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking" - RBNY
· "I'd Say His Condition Is Stable" - Tadzio
· "Rolling Over About Now" - Kaitlen
· "Rotting, No Doubt" - Katy
· "Well, Mom Won't Share a Bed with Him Anymore." - Cassie
· "Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off" - halfknot
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Not Until You've Finished Driving the Train, Mister!
Lady cop to drunk guy: C'mon, get on the train. You can switch at West Fourth. Get home safe. [Drunk guy tries to grab her arm.] No, I'm not coming with you.
Drunk guy: Come with me!
--F train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Colleen
Which I Suppose Was the Point of the Tour
Girl #1: ... And you went to Amsterdam?
Girl #2: Yeah, it was really cool. We went to the Reichsmuseum, the Van Gogh Museum, the Red Light District...
Girl #1: Did you go to the Anne Frank House?
Girl #2: Yeah, but we sort of did things backwards that day... We went to the Heineken brewery and then to a coffeehouse, so by the time we got to the Anne Frank House we were totally drunk and high.
Girl #1: What?! You went to the Anne Frank House drunk?
Girl #2: No, it's okay... We went to a concentration camp while we were in Germany and saw all kinds of stuff about the war. By the time we got to Amsterdam, we were like, 'Enough with the Nazis, already!'
--11th & University
Overheard by: I did the same thing when I was in Amsterdam
Eggs: Is It Wrong to Envy Our Sister Who Got Scraped Last Month?
Teen girl #1: Do you ever talk to your eggs?
Teen girl #2: Like, fridge eggs or baby eggs?
Teen girl #1: Baby eggs.
Teen girl #2: No?
Teen girl #1: Well, I do. I mean, they might be a baby eventually!
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Especially with Your Hand in My Pants
Ice queen: She a ho. She be, like, talkin' to mad guys and whatever, and she had sex with all six of those brothers.
Sensible girl, after long pause: Who are you to be calling anyone a ho?
--A train, Jay St
... And Some Cornish Game Hens
Black guy: Let's go to the meat market and get some crystal meth.
Buddy: Aight.
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: Shmatty and Shammy
You Expect Me to Take You Seriously in That Schoolgirl's Skirt?
Mom: Remember, I am the mother and you are the child.
Son: Yes, little girl.
--Broadway
Overheard by: Ally
Pop Quiz: To Which of These Women Is This Conversation Most Insulting?
Girlfriend: Come on, I really wanna see that movie about Jane Austen.
Boyfriend: She was the one that lived with the chimpanzees, right?
Girlfriend: No, that was Jane Seymour.
--38th & Lex
I Thought Those Weren't Allowed in the Military?
Mohawk teen: Not like a Barbie -- it's like a real short midget, but skinny and hairier.
Five-year-old girl: Like G.I. Joe?
Mohawk teen: G.I. Joe isn't hairy, he's just a man-Barbie with guns.
--18th St station
Overheard by: tom
Sneering Makes My Face Tired
Wannabe hipster girl: Hey, are you going to that Arcade Fire-LCD Soundsystem show later?
Hipster girl in gold and purple-striped tights: Nah... I was going to, but [sigh] there are just gonna be so many hipsters there...
--L train station, Graham Ave
Overheard by: Not a hipster
I Didn't Do All of This Barely Legal Porn for You to Squander It on Food
Catholic schoolgirl: This bitch said she didn't go to the bank! She said last week she was going to pay me and didn't -- mind you, I lent her the money a month ago. This bitch got a gambling problem.
Catholic schoolboy: Damn.
Catholic schoolgirl: Watch -- next time I'ma be like, 'Mom I want my money.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Frais
Tonight on Fox: When Stereotypes Attack!
Girl #1, after friend hangs up her cell: Who was that?
Girl #2: My brother's baby-mama.
Girl #1: So, your sister-in-law?
Girl #2: No, my brother's baby-mama.
Girl #1: But she would be your sister-in-law if y'all were married, right?
Girl #2: Yeah, I guess.
Girl #1: So, what'd she say?
Girl #2: My baby-father's in the hospital. Some girl stabbed him in the back.
Girl #1: Who?
Girl #2: Some girl at a barbecue. I wonder what he did to her.
Girl #1: You just can't control a man's actions. He's gonna do what he's gonna do.
Girl #2: I've gotta go to the hospital now. He better not die!
--PATH
The Part Where They Have Manners?
Latina chick, in Spanish, after Korean tourist trips into her: Listen, you son of a bitch -- don't touch me, you faggot! You get me, asshole?!
Friend: Haha, babe, like this asshole understands what you're saying?
Korean tourist, in Spanish: I lived in Puerto Rico for two years.
Latina chick, in English: Oh, word? What part?
--A train
Overheard by: Graham Davis
And I Know a Lot about Ugly
Yuppie woman #1: So, why don't you buy their products? Is it because of the whole child labor thing?
Yuppie woman #2: No, I don't give a shit about that -- I'm a Republican. I just think their products are ugly.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Read This Site
Suit #1: Gee, I really want a turkey sandwich.
Suit #2: Well, I suppose we could stop at the bread factory.
Hobo: You're both queer!
Suit #2: How disenchanting.
--55th & 8th
Overheard by: Conrad
Explain How Cher Is Hot
Stoner: She's so fucking hot because she's Asian and she only goes by one name -- Selena -- so you know she's hot. Like Madonna... Or Jesus... Or Gandhi... Or Cher.
Friend: Gandhi had two names, dumbass.
--NYU Weinstein Dining Hall
Grandma's Had the Bit in Her Teeth Before
Little girl looking at big, naked woman statue: She looks like me, but big!
Grandmother: Yes, yes she does.
Little girl looks at big, naked male statue: What's that? It's big.
Grandmother: Boy bits. They're not usually that big.
--Columbus Circle Mall
Overheard by: Rama
Like We Do at Church
Old woman: You had an audition today?
Young woman: Yeah, for the Jerry Springer show. I sang 'Mama Smacked Me on the Asshole.'
--Starbucks, 43rd & 8th
Oh, Location, You Make Our Jobs Too Easy.
Fat black woman #1: I tried on all their larges, and they was all tight. They don't make sizes for real women anymore.
Fat black woman #2: That's why all them pretty, skinny bitches in movies get killed first. No one cuts a big sister.
Fat black woman #1: Hmph... Cut them up.
--80 Broad St
Overheard by: The Pidge
In Where, Exactly?
Six-year-old son, indicating sex shop: Can I?! I want to go in there!
Frazzled mother: No. Just... no.
--Christopher, between Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Colleen
But I Bet This Gerbil Can
Fat woman, panting: Slow down! I can't run in these heels.
Thin woman: You can't run in that ass.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: invid
You Only Got Me Here with Promises of a Fellational Nature
Man: So what do you think of the name I-lizabeth?
Woman: It's not I-lizabeth, it's 'Ilizabeth.'
Man: I know. Elizabeth with an I. That's so stupid.
Woman: What business is it of yours what they name their baby?
Man: I'm here and I'm aware of it, so I'm voicing my opinion. Spelling a name wrong is stupid. I guess they think it's cute, but it's gonna be a burden on that kid her whole life.
Woman: Why don't you just shut up and keep your opinions to yourself?
Man: Well, then don't invite me to these fucking parties where people make their stupidity public.
Woman: Just do me a favor -- eat and keep your mouth shut until you leave.
--Baby-naming party, E 34th & 2nd
Overheard by: Big Larry
Difficult to Flatter, Too
Girl with petition: You look like a nice guy!
Suit: You're fucking right I am! [Keeps walking.]
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Pierre Fresnay
You're a Good Guy, but You Can't Compete with Pussy
Hardhat #1: I can't!
Hardhat #2: How come?
Hardhat #1: I gotta go home.
Hardhat #2: Why?
Hardhat #1: It's Thursday. I get fucked on Thursday.
--13th & Ave A
And He Was Being Sarcastic, Mister "Funky Chicken"
Flamboyant queer: Oh my god, the black security guards complimented my moves! That's like the Nobel Prize of dancing!
Fag hag: I don't think Nobel Prizes work that way...
--Stuyvesant High
Unfortunately, I Said It into the Intercom
20-something chick: So yeah, I didn't even care when this girl at my school died.
Friend: Whoa...
20-something chick: Well, she broke my friend's leg!
Friend: Oh...
20-something chick: When the principal was having the moment of silence, I was like, 'Geez, she didn't take this long to die!'
Friend: Dude...
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Your Grandfather Had a Boyfriend? That's So Cool!
Boyfriend: Have you ever heard of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas?
Girlfriend: No, wait... Isn't that your grandfather?
Boyfriend: No... My grandfather's boyfriend was a kleptomaniac. Every Christmas my grandfather would have to rip all the tags off of everything so that no one would know that his boyfriend stole all the gifts.
--6 train
Married Guy: You Too?
Preppy guy #1: I just don't see myself getting married anymore.
Preppy guy #2: Yeah, I've totally lost the will to live.
Preppy guy #1: You've lost the will to live?!
Preppy guy #2: What? No, I meant to say I've lost the will to get married... Okay, I've lost the will to live.
--Wall St
In the Spirit of True Sisterhood, I Accept Your Reproach. Ass Whore.
Sorostitute #1: Remember that freshman I hooked up with? He friended me on Facebook!
Sorostitute #2: Oh, that's coo-- Wait a minute. Isn't that a little backwards?
Sorostitute #3: Uh, yeah. Here's how that should have gone: you meet him, he friends you on Facebook, and then you let him fuck you in the ass.
--Wagner College
But I Could Play Your Dad on a CW Show
Guy #1: I was like, 'You can't oooh me! You're three years younger than me! I could be your dad!'
Guy #2: No, you couldn't...
Guy #1: Well, not biologically...
--Columbia University
The Perils of Early Childhood Exposure to Super Mario Bros.
Drunk NYU girl: So, what I'd really like to do is help the innocent... [Drunk friend laughs.] With, like, fireballs!
--Bowery & 4th
Overheard by: davis
City Cubs May Be Slow to Learn Survival Skills
Father, dragging four-year-old daughter across street: Come on! [Little girl trips.] Oh!
Mother, from behind: What happened?
Father: She wasn't paying attention!
Mother: Sarah, this is what happens when you're eating your shirt and looking the wrong way! You smack into the curb!
--E 15th & Irving Pl
... If You Know What I Mean
Drunk NYU queer: Do you live in Rubin?
NYU girl: Yes.
Drunk NYU queer: On the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, on the 11th floor.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I've been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. Do you live on the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, I live on the 11th floor, honey.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I've been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. He is. His name is Dan. We ate apples together.
--A train
Overheard by: Leslie G.
... More Than Any of the Other Nuns
Stoner: She did coke, like, six times last week and was bleeding out of her nose.
Black girl: Ahhh, I love her.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: yoni
I Hope I Don't Have Gemini Warts
Blonde: You're seeing your astrologist tomorrow?
Tattooed girl: Yeah, my pussy's been tingling lately, and I need to find out why.
--Washington Square
Then Who Did I Make Out with in the Lighting Booth?
College girl #1: So, like, when we were in high school and sharing dressing rooms for drama stuff, were you ever, like, attracted to me?
College girl #2: No.
College girl #1: Oh... [Very put out] Not at all?!
--108th & Broadway
As Close to Chivalry As New Yorkers Get
Girl crying on doorstep: Just leave so I can live my life!
Guy friend: I would, but I don't think I should leave you. If anything, you should leave me so I know you're okay.
Girl: That's the gayest, most '80s thing I've ever heard! [Guy, laughing hysterically, gets up and walks away.]
Guy friend: Bravo -- that was the best insult I've ever heard in my life!
--8th & Ave C
I'm Still Good Friends with That Senator, Though
Queer: So, I lost my virginity at 13 for all the wrong reasons.
Friend: Haha!
Queer: I'm serious.
Friend: Oh... Really?!
--180th & Ft Washington
Overheard by: reading and laughing
Well, by "Nice" I Meant "Fat"
UNICEF lady: Excuse me! You look like a nice lady!
Black lady: I'm not.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Shanaca
I Find It Alarming That You Know That
Guy in pink wig: So, have you heard from your friend Craig recently?
Go-go girl: No. I think he's dead.
Guy in pink wig: He's not dead. He has recent Facebook activity.
--1 train
Overheard by: nycdoll
Call Me If You Need a Spokeshobo
Conductor: This train will be going express to 137th Street. The next stop on this train will be 137th Street.
Hobo: 137th Street! And if you don't like it, buy your own train!
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
As Long As It Didn't Drown Out My iPod
Old guy: Hey! You respect your elders! Don't be disrespectful to your elders!
12-year-old boy: Shut the fuck up! Come here! Come over here! I'll fuck you up! Fuck you!
Passerby: I'd love to see an old man and a little kid throw down in the middle of Union Square.
--Union Square
Back in the Closet! Back, I Say!
Guy #1: I love Tom Brady -- not just the fact he's a great football player, but he knocked up that hot chick, too.
Guy #2: I know, man. He's a real handsome guy.
Guy #3: Yo, I was just thinking that, too! I would eat his asshole.
--Outside Ski Bar, 72nd & 5th, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: stevesoph
Our Best Guess Is Uncle Walter
Little girl: ... And then she said that I had herpes.
Woman #1: Coño.
Woman #2: Where do kids get this stuff?
--Lincoln Center
Legions of Angels Will Bear You to Wichita
Annoyed gate lady: Sorry, sir, the plane is being delayed one hour and could be delayed longer.
Frequent flyer: What if I get upgraded to first class?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Mike
That Skirt Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Girl: Excuse me! Do you have a girlfriend?
Guy passerby: Yes [keeps walking].
Girl: But does she appreciate you? You're beautiful!
--Broadway, near City Hall Park
Overheard by: just walkin
Don't Say That 'til You've Seen Me Shake My Tail
Teen girl to friend: Do I look like an animal?
Friend: You look like a stripper.
Teen girl: That's not an animal, per se.
--Broadway
Overheard by: i think she is a stripper
Not in the Same Way That You Have One, Though
Young Asian man to Asian woman with baby, while touching baby's foot: She is so soft. Does she have bones yet?
Asian mom: Yes, she has bones!
--L train
Overheard by: Lisa
Larry King Live Goes Off on Another Weird Tangent
Hobo #1: The scientists are destroying the universe!
Passerby: I totally agree!
Hobo #2: And religions, man! Fucking religions!
--4th & Ave A
Anything Worth Saying Should Be Abbreviated
Bimbette #1: How do you feel about people who call instead of text message?
Bimbette #2: They make me sad.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Sarah
Then I Can't Help You because You're Not Real
Brit: Hello, my HSBC debit card isn't working at the ATM. The bank probably thinks there's fraudulent activity since I'm in America and not in England.
Teller: Okay, I'll check it out... I can't seem to find your account, sir. What's your social security number?
Brit: Huh?
Teller: Your social security number -- do you not have one?
Brit: No...
Teller: Hmmm. Okay...
--HSBC, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Headline by: have SSS #, am real
Runners-Up:
· "...Then Please Sing the National Anthem." - pbump
· "How About Your Penis Size, Then?" - Mikey G.
· "I've Contacted Homeland Security. Enjoy Syria." - Daniel Patterson
· "Okay I Need You to Fill Out IRS Form W-7 and Apply for a Tax Id Number and Then Come Back to This Counter in 4-6 Months." - Ty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Danny Got Put in the Trunk
Mom: Danny, what did you put in the trunk?
Seven-year-old boy: Don't you mean, 'Whom did you put in the trunk'?
--116th & Lex
Helpfulness: A NYC Short Story
Loud, garbled announcement about disrupted rush hour service in background.
Uptight lady suit, smiling anxiously: What? What did she say?
Hipster: She said, 'Grble chzmglpt blgshqt skzdbkt...' [Continues, accurately mimicking entire garbled announcement.]
Uptight lady suit, disturbed: Oh.
--IRT Station, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Details, Details
20-ish chick #1: Does he even know who I am?
20-ish chick #2: The guy who took pictures of you naked?
--Las Ramblas, W 4th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Buy Me Love
Nerdy kid to friend: Man, if I had more money, I'd totally be a goth.
--Bedford Ave station
Man on cell: The only acceptable excuse is that the plane went down, and when you emerged unscathed, the money was gone!
--Montague & Clinton, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Cait
Loud Jamaican lady on cell: Why you give my money to someone else? You transfer my money to someone else's account! No. No. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-no. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come down to the bank. I'm gonna come down to the bank and tell them that's rude!
--7 train
Overheard by: Right after afternoon tea, but before busting a cap in someone's ass
Man at ATM, to girlfriend: Wow, I just realized I don't need money right now, but I like coming in here so I can feel rich.
--Commerce Bank, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table
Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain't gonna to be late for work -- I'm at work.
--2 train
Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!
--Prince St
Overheard by: 3 musketeers
Lady suit: We can't bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn't work.
--45th & Lex
Barista: Yo, I like my schedule -- work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep... You can't do that shit on a temp schedule.
--Starbucks
Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room... and your job.
--Rockefeller Center
Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Foreskin Deep
Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn't know it was illegal.
--Yankee Stadium bathroom
Overheard by: howie ray
Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.
--N 10th & Bedford
Australian lady: Oh, look! It's the penis people again!
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Girl on cell: So, wait -- let me get this straight -- last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? ... Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? ... Oh, then no, that's not weird.
--Sullivan St
Overheard by: someone needs new friends
Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as... Hmmm, let me see here... Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.
--25th & 6th
WASP lady to friend: ... And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.
--89th & Madison
Overheard by: Dani
You Look Like People Who Could Use Some Wednesday One-Liners
Paper guy: AM News! AM News! Low prices! Low-tech news!
--Greeley Square, 32nd St
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Thug handing out flyers: You don't have to take one, it's okay, because at the end of the day I'll still be crisp.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Alex Berkowitz
Umbrella vendor, after it starts raining: It's not too late... Save her hairdo!
--W. 47th St. & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Flyer guy: Oh, man, I can't do this -- this job ain't for me. I can't take all the rejection!
--Clinton & Delancey
Guy selling umbrellas: I believe in all of you! I have umbrellas for you!
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: smoon
Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to friend: I'll poop on them! I'll poop all over anyone or anything -- that's not the problem. Just please don't cut my vagina!
--34th St
Overheard by: tori
High school kid: So, we're on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes 'This train smells shitty' with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]
--McDonald's, Ditmars
Overheard by: it was her!
Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I'd suck the shit outta that ass...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: wasn't that nice
Man, pointing to woman's dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time...
--15th & Union Square West
Overheard by: glad i'm not that dog....
Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I'm gonna shit on your face!
--10th & 3rd
Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Thought Pulling Out Would Work
Woman on cell: ... Then, when she found out my dog was pregnant, she stopped talking to me.
--77th & Broadway
22-year-old girl: I waited eight years before I got pregnant again, and I got in three fights while I was pregnant with him, but only two with this one. But one of those doesn't really count, because I punched that bitch in the face and she was out.
--R train
Guy on cell: Yeah? I wish my mother was smoking crack when she was pregnant with me!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: walking by
Guy on cell: You're pregnant? Who's the father? Steve?! That's why God invented abortions.
--NYU
Overheard by: Jeffrey Lebowski
Tween girl: ... And a bunch of pregnant people started slapping each other!
--84th & 5th
Overheard by: Olivia
Thug to girlfriend: Who you pregnant about? 'Cause it ain't mine!
--23rd St station
Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish
Professor: I'm gonna show you a little old insertion trick that my grandmother taught me. It works great.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wba2101
Professor: Everyone is here except the person who is not here.
--City College
Overheard by: ClaRity
Latin professor: So, what Tibullus is trying to say is that old women have to be in the beauty parlor a lot! Beauty doesn't come as easily as when you're 18 and always looking great... Well, I suppose that's not exactly true. As I look around the room, I see that sometimes you girls could use some work in the mornings.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Professor: My wife has many male friends... I don't ask questions.
--NYU
Law professor: It's possible... Just like it's possible I'll get raptured at any minute.
--NYU Law School
Wednesday One-Liners Bump Uglies
Hipster girl: Yeah, but there's a big difference between having a social life and having a social life with someone you want to have sex with.
--Bedford Ave
Lady: So, do you even want to put that in me anymore?
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Luke
Black guy to posse: What?! I don't go to the ones where you can have sex with them!
--Chelsea
20-ish girl to friend: Dude, he, like, humps my leg on command!
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: sweetchuck
White girl to friends: Just remember -- I made a sex tape so you don't have to!
--Bar 13
Hey, Sports Fans, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl: When I lived in Miami is when I really got into ice hockey.
--8th & Mercer
Black guy to white friends: Yo, Mets got no 'rithmetic!
--63rd & Queens Blvd
Conductor over PA: Well, fuck me! Either we go bowling or we don't go bowling!
--R train, 5th Ave
Drunk girl: I'd rather change my vagina into a penis than be a Devils fan!
--Ranger Game, MSG
Conductor: Welcome to New York's Penn Station. This will be the last stop. Today has been declared 'Be Nice to a Met Day.' If you see anyone in a Mets jersey or t-shirt, be nice to them. They've had a rough couple of weeks.
--NJ Transit
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Discharge, but Not from the Army
Girl: I gotta wake up at eight AM for this class, and I ain't even curin' AIDS or anythin'!
--Columbia University
Teen buying travel-size toothpaste, toothbrush, and mouthwash: Do you have a bathroom?! Can I use your bathroom?! I just made out with a guy who has herpes -- you have to let me use the goddamn bathroom!
--Duane Reade, Amsterdam
JAP on cell: Well, was it a lot of herpes?
--24th & 6th
Overheard by: Austin
Chick: It was alright... He did me in the butt. Wait... Can you get STDs from doing it in the butt? [Friend laughs.] What's funny? I'm serious!
--Manhattan-bound L train
Suit on cell: He wants a birthday present, too? I already gave him chlamydia this week! Who does he think I am, fucking Santa?!
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just a Phase, Dad
Amazed guy: So, I totally thought I was gay 'til I fucked her!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Wex
Hot Indian girl with friend: I should host a gay reading hour where I regale the gays with stories of my encounters with B-list celebrities. They can all sit on a carpet at my feet.
--S'Nice, off 8th Ave
Overheard by: Robert
Suit: I had to move to Westchester -- my wife would've found out I was gay if we stayed in the city.
--38th & 5th
Biotech: Protesting is gay.
--Manhattan College
Overheard by: Marco M.
Teen hipster, vehemently: I swear, I was talking about this with my mom. I really want to be a gay man!
--Hammerstein Ballroom
Pretty mom on cell, pushing stroller: She's gay... Well, mostly gay. She'll fuck a guy in a pinch.
--7th Ave & Union, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Played Grand Theft Auto in Drivers' Ed
EMT assisting guy covered in blood: We're going to take you to Wyckoff Hospital. It's-- oh, man! You have a Wii!
--Bushwick
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Mom to son playing video game poorly: No! You gotta get out the way! Don't let them things get ya! Them sharks is trying to get ya! [Sighs.]
--125th St station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Man to friend: Okay, so we'll go play some video games and then go watch some naked women.
--Times Square
Little boy cheering on friend playing game: Yay, you get to kill people!
--GameStop, South St Seaport
Overheard by: Robert
I Got Sent to Solitary for Developing Economical Fusion Power
Thug #1: She's perfect! I couldn't stop thinking about her while I was in prison, man.
Thug #2: Yeah, you can think of pretty amazing things in prison...
--Union Square
Overheard by: Melissa
Um, Why?
Student #1, on Jewish circumcision: Isn't it, like, they cut off your foreskin and put it on your head?
Student #2: Oh my god, that is so awesome! If you could get foreskin yarmulkes, I would totally become Jewish.
--NYU
It Was Naturally Greasy
Man #1: It was like a dildo, but Italian.
Man #2: Ohhh, an Italian dildo!
--Bryant Park
I Thought That Was Self-Pity
Asian girl: If you had a dick, do you think it would be big? I think mine would be big.
Irish girl: You're, like, four-foot-eleven! How big could it be?
Asian girl: Oh, it would be big. What about you? Would your dick be big?
Irish girl: No.
Asian girl: But you're tall! And you have big feet!
Irish girl: It's the Irish curse.
--4th & 8th
Overheard by: knows what she means
But I'll Do Heroin with You the Next Day
Guy #1: You wanna come with me to get coffee tomorrow?
Guy #2: No. I'm going to be picking up the pieces of my life tomorrow.
--Lafayette & White
Overheard by: Hey, me too
When Your Therapist Has a Degree from Bartending School
Jew: She's been on dates with 87 guys from JDate? Eighty-seven?!
Jewess: Yeah, her therapist told her that she can't complain about guys from JDate again until she's been on 100 dates with guys from JDate, and now she's really excited for the last 13 so she can start complaining about them again.
--Stay, East Village
Why Not Go As Unshaved Legs?
Girl #1: I think I am going to be a used maxi-pad for Halloween.
Girl #2: I'll go as a tampon.
Girl #1: I have a better idea -- let's go as our favorite forms of contraception.
Girl #2: That's a tampon for me.
--Ladies' room, Webster Hall
Overheard by: Stephanie
Crocs, for Instance -- Explain.
Professor: Obviously, this was a very difficult sound to pronounce. Not Latin, Greek, or even Sanskrit uses it. It does not occur outside of the proto-Indo-European language.
Student: Why did they use it?
Professor: They didn't.
Student: I mean the Indo-Europeans -- if it was so difficult to pronounce, why would--
Professor, interrupting: Why the hell does anybody do anything?!
--Etymology class, Hunter College
You're Supposed to Turn Left at the Naked Chinese Guy
Lady: Excuse me, can you tell me where Chinatown is?
Chinese lady: Chinatown is everywhere! Any way you walk, there's Chinatown! It's all around us!
Lady: Thank you [begins walking away from Chinatown].
Chinese lady: Not that way! Come, follow me. This way! Come on!
--Lafayette & Worth
"We Will Never..." Uhhh... Um...
Tourist #1: It was pretty cold, I remember... It was in January, right?
Tourist #2: It was September, you moron! September 11th!
--Ground Zero
I.e. "I Didn't Get Past Page One of the Reading"
Student: This case is about Chadha, who was born in Kenya to Indian parents--
Professor, interrupting: --But is that relevant to his deportation proceeding?
Student: It's relevant to why nobody wants him.
--Fordham Law School
Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff
Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god... I'm sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but...
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?
--The Shake Shack
Overheard by: craig and cory
Or a Very Kinky Odyssey of the Mind Event
Guy #1: Whose job is it to mix up the Rubik's Cube for those competitions?
Guy #2: You mean, like a Rubik's Cube fluffer?
Guy #1: That's a good name for a band.
--MoMA
Next We'll Discuss Masturbation and Bear-Maulings
Young English teacher: So, what are the physically detrimental effects of plagiarism?
Student #1: Well, if you have very strict parents and you get caught, then they might skin you.
Student #2: Or if you copy it off your friend and get caught, they might skin you, too.
Young English teacher, excitedly: Right! Plagiarism can lead to mass skinnings.
--Stuyvesant High
It Was New to Us, Too
Rupert Murdoch, at conference: If you wanted to stalk a young girl, it'd be much easier to do on Facebook than MySpace.
Conference attendee: Douche chill...
--Grand Hyatt Hotel
What If It Was a Freak Musical-Chairs Accident?
Girl: So, whatever happened to Joe*? I heard he was engaged to some girl. I thought he was gay...
Guy: I don't care what he says he is -- once you lose your butt virginity, you're gay for life.
--Manhattan-bound N train
Or Like Hot Soup with Crackers in It
Guy #1: Are there white chicks walking around Harlem these days?
Guy #2: Yeah, man -- Harlem's like a salad topped with tasty white croutons!
--23rd & 6th
We Mostly Just Have Cybersex
Guy #1: Man, in my family the only time we hug is at the airport.
Guy #2: My family never touches each other.
Guy #3: When my family gets together we don't touch, make eye contact, or speak.
--Deluxe, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jenni
What Would Gay M&M's Do without Them?
Girl #1: Why didn't you want your picture with the M&M?
Girl #2: I don't know.
Girl #1: I would have gotten my picture with him and promptly placed my hand on his ass.
Girl #2: Do M&Ms have asses?
--M&M Store
Then How Come Your Wallet's Missing and Your Coat Peed On?
Teen daughter: I love the city. I can easily live here.
Mom: You don't know anything about this city. Keep walking.
Teen daughter: Mom, I know enough. I drink Starbucks and loved Sex and the City.
--31st & 7th
Are You Done Undermining My Confidence?
Giant black man holding hands with tiny son: Yo, you only four years old -- you dunno what's up!
Tiny boy: I'm three!
Giant black man: See? You don't even know how old you are!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Hannah
Only for Catholics
Teen: That guy is jerkin' it right there in public!
Mother: Look away. He just has a disease.
Teen: What? So chronic masturbation is a disease now?
--42nd St subway
Overheard by: come again?
Headline by: gerard
Runners-Up:
· "Cause Dad Said Its a Cure for Fat Wife Syndrome" - angelica cayne
· "Come Again?" - Mary Beth
· "Ironically, NOT Healed by Laying on Of Hands" - JohnnyB
· "Momma Don't Know Jack." - jason daniel
· "No. I Was Referring To The Pus Pockets On The Head Of His Penis." - Redneck Jedi
· "There's Even a 12 Stroke Program" - Grantakerous
· "We're Tivoing _That_ Telethon!" - Vera Vaughan Hough
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is That a Red Sox Logo on Your Cardboard Box?
Hobo: Spare any change? Any change?
Man in Mets hat: Sorry.
Hobo: Don't worry about it. If you're a Mets fan, you're worse off than me.
--4th & 6th
Not Until I Can Get Out My Camera
Old man: Hey! No sex in the street.
Teen boy tickling his girlfriend: Sorry, sir.
--Canal St
Your Interest in My Sex Life Ill Becomes You
Teen homie #1: Nah, dude, I'm a man.
Teen homie #2: I'm older than you -- how you a man?
Teen homie #1: 'Cause I ain't no virgin like you.
--86th St station
... You Deluded Fatbag
Customer: I'd like to return this shirt. It fits me just right, but the tag says 'Large,' and I don't wear a size Large.
Returns person: Okay, no problem.
--H&M, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
Some Rappers' Names Are More Menacing Than Others
Thugette: ... And that was the last time I ever messed around with dehydration, yo.
Preggers thugette: Fo' real.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: wait.. what?
Speaking of Whom -- Did You Bring the Bail Money?
Mom: Honey, I just wish you would want a happy, successful marriage like I have.
Adult daughter: Third time's the charm, huh, Mom?
--Starbucks, 78th & Lex
Overheard by: Shut up, Mom, a.k.a. this is so much like my life it's crazy
Fine, but Could You Get Off My Leg?
Student: Old people sex?! Ewww!
71-year-old professor: Don't you know that old people fuck like rabbits? We love it!
--NYU
Overheard by: Ash
I Heard about Those During One of My Free Hours in the Exercise Yard
College guy: So, what's the thing you like least about working here?
Brainwashed programmer: Geez, that's a hard one. I like just about everything here!
College guy: I see... Have you ever seen the movie Office Space?
Brainwashed programmer: No, I've never heard of it. Is that one of those YouTube things?
--Goldman Sachs recruitment lunch, Financial District
When Your Fairy Godmother Is Bobo the Squeegee Guy
Consoling friend: Just think about what you want out of it.
Crying girl: I really don't know what I should do!
Eavesdropping hobo: Damn, bitch -- do what the fuck you want!
--Washington Square Park
Some Odysseys Are Odder Than Others
Young English teacher: Yeah, so it takes me about 10 minutes to walk from my apartment to the subway, and on the way there's this homeless guy on the corner who is always getting really angry at some invisible person. Then he disappeared for, like, two weeks, and I'm like, 'Oh, he must've died -- that's so sad,' but then he came back and I was like, 'Okay, cool.'
Student: What does this have to do with The Odyssey?
Young English teacher: You guys really need to focus.
--Stuyvesant High
Just How St. John's Girls Clear Their Throats
Girl: Jerk.
Guy: Why do you always say that?
Girl: Asshole.
Guy: You always say that, too!
--St. John's University
Good to See the Shame's Gone Out of That
Asian hipster girl: The first time I met you I totally thought you were gay!
Asian hipster guy: That's okay. Everyone does -- even my family.
Random hipster guy: Really? Me, too! [Hipster guys hi-five each other.]
--Bedford & N 6th
Overheard by: Marc P.
Who Says the Barter System Is Dead?
Black guy on stoop: Hey, baby, you got Medicaid?
Black lady passerby: I got black pussy!
--17th St, between 3rd & 4th Ave
Or Maybe I'll Just Get a Divorce and a New Job
Suit #1, looking down at subway tracks: Man, you've got like a foot and a half of empty space there! Come on, how much would you do it for?
Suit #2: Lie down under a train?!
Suit #1: Yeah, man!
Suit #2: One hundred dollars.
--6 train platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
Yeah, but Jesus Loves Everyone
College girl #1: He loves you.
College girl #2: Don't say that!
College girl #1: Why not?
College girl #2: Because I have horrible self-esteem!
--7 train
Overheard by: Phillip Roncoroni
Or Aborting Fetuses?
Hobo: Can I ask you a Republican question?
Girl: Yes.
Hobo: Do you like Christmas?
--1 train
Should I Not Be Taking My Social Cues from Kanye West?
College girl: You can't just call me 'bitch' and then everything's okay.
College boy: You sure?
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: melzie
Someone's Been Listening to the President's Speeches
Little boy: Mom, I want that!
Harried mother: No, we don't have enough money.
Little boy, after a pause: So just make more money!
--3rd Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Abbieprime
Jesus Is So Hard to Resist
Angry guy in crosswalk: You should get a ticket!
Yielding cyclist, seemingly sincere: I love you!
Angry guy, passing: You should get a ticket!
Cyclist, pedaling off: I love you!
Angry guy, sheepishly: Thank you.
--70th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Andreas
And What Part Will the Helmet Play in That?
Nerdy hipster to friends: You want nerdy? You know what I did today? I worked on this robot helmet I'm making on my floor. Yep, a robot helmet complete with LED lights -- for my girlfriend. See? That's love right there.
Girlfriend, explaining: I told him we could have butt sex.
Nerdy hipster, emphatically: But not until I finish the helmet!
--L train
... And Was Like, "Why Were You Kissing Your Sister?"
Blue Rangers jersey: Hey, how come you've never brought your girlfriend to a game?
White Rangers jersey: Are you kidding me? Never again. The last time I brought her, the Rangers got their asses kicked and my wife saw her on TV.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David
And the Cocaine in My Anus Is Starting to Sting
Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move!
30-something uncle: Why? What's the matter?
Five-year-old girl: There's cops over there... We gotta move before you get arrested again... [Whispers] You're still on probation, right?
--139th St, near 40th Precinct, Bronx
Overheard by: What are we teaching our kids?
Wow, That Jumped Ugly Pretty Quick
Creepster: Have you ever had a tampon stuck inside of you?
Chick: Well, once when I was drunk I had my period and stuck another one up.
Creepster: So, did it get stuck?
Chick: No... But I'm not a fucking gaping hole, if that's what you think.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alex Berger
I'm Up to the Level Where You're Only Allowed to Use Toes
20-ish girl: Oh, yeah! That game where you try to make her cum?
20-ish guy: Yeah.
20-ish girl: I played that last night!
--E train
Overheard by: Beth
Do You Have Something Against Cabs of Color?
Queer #1: What's with these flowered cabs?
Queer #2: It's art. Like those damn painted cows Oprah had sex with.
--14th & Ave A
Overheard by: Boheme poet
We're Like the End of Casablanca without the Implied Gay Sex
Guy: I always run into you here! It's like our little date time.
Chick: We're not dating... but sure.
Guy: I know. I was trying to be cute, dammit!
Chick, laughing: I know... And you do a good job of it, but I still hate you.
Guy: I know, but it's the kind of hate that can make this friendship work. [Long pause, then] God, that's really fucked up.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
"What Kind of a Republican Senator Are You?!" I Bellowed.
Queer #1: Who were you trying to give head to in the photo booth?
Queer #2: Oh, Jason -- you weren't there. He wouldn't go for it, though, so we're not together anymore.
Queer #1: I'm sorry.
Queer #2: ... Really for a multitude of reasons... Refusing to engage in oral sex at a work party was like, well, the last straw.
--1st & 1st
Kinda the Point of a "Two Dicks in Your Face" Party
Queer: Remember last night, when you had two dicks in your face?
Black girl: Everyone last night had two dicks in their faces.
--Gold St & Maiden Ln
Overheard by: wreckingcru
If He Sees Your Dick, the Dress Is the Least of Our Problems
Female punk: I don't give a shit! I'm not wearing a long, white fucking dress at the wedding!
Male punk: But every woman in my family wears that dress!
Female punk: I'm wearing something short and tight, and if the priest doesn't like it, he can suck my dick!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Mateo que Feo
Perfect.
Middle Eastern-looking yuppie: I would root for Al Qaeda before the Red Sox. [Middle Eastern-looking friends quietly express outrage.] Fine, I would root for the Janjaweed before the Red Sox. Is that better?
--Manhattan-bound 4 train leaving Yankee Stadium station
Overheard by: David H
Oh, Sean Preston, We Feel the Same Way
Mom holding cardboard James Dean stand-up: I'm comin' to get you! I'm gonna get you!
Two-year old son, screaming: Nooo! Nooo!
--LaSalle & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Our Editorial Staff Begs to Differ
Cashier: Oh, is corduroy coming back into fashion?
Girl buying a pair of cord pants: Um, I don't know.
Cashier: I don't think it's ever going to come back.
--TJMaxx, 6th Ave
Overheard by: champ
Cover Me, I'm Goin' in
Conductor, angrily: Stand clear of the closing doors!
Passenger: She need to get laid.
--F train
Overheard by: i do too
Let's Just Hope They Don't Write Their Own Vows
Girl: You're so strong and handsome!
Guy: You're so skinny and fuckable.
--East Village
Raising Them Will Do That to You
Black guy with clipboard: Anyone? A minute of your time to save the children! Anyone! 'Scuse me, pretty miss! Excuse me! [Pretty girl ignores him.] Oooh! I'm too flyyy fo' da children. I'm too hot fo' da children. [To old lady] Ma'am, do you wanna save the children?
Old lady: I hate children.
--69th & Columbus
Overheard by: Joey
Where the Only Things Criminal Are the Prices
Tourist lady #1: I don't like it here. It feels illegal.
Tourist lady #2: I know. Let's get back to Times Square.
--Canal & Mercer
Overheard by: garuda
Pop Quiz: How Many Faces Do the Girls Have? Show Your Work.
Skinny girl in dress: Okay, what do you guys think?
Friend #1: Oh my god, it looks so good on you.
Friend #2: I love it!
Skinny girl: Really? I don't know...
Friend #1: Seriously -- you should get it. It looks awesome on you.
Friend #2: If I were you, I'd totally get it.
Skinny girl: Okay... Thanks! I think I will. [Retreats into fitting room.]
Friend #1: God, she is so disgustingly skinny, it sickens me.
Friend #2: I could throw up right now.
--H&M fitting room, Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: lc
What Passes As Gentlemanly in NYC
Girl #1: That show was so good.
Girl #2: I know -- some guy tried to finger me.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: Yeah... He was dancing with his girlfriend and then he turned around and saw me. It was kinda nice...
--Terminal 5
Overheard by: Kelly
How to Tell If Someone's a Republican
Bimbette, about sleeping bag lady: She has a lot of stuff.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Bimbette: She should get an apartment.
--25th & 3rd
Why Guys Never Talk As Much As You'd Like Them To
Teen girl: That's why I fucking hate guys -- 'cause they all suck cock!
Upset friend: Thank you! This is what I'm talking about!
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: rory
Um, That's Your Maui Screensaver
Roommate #1: Man, I fucking love this weather.
Roommate #2: Yeah. Have you been outside today?
Roommate #1: No, I'm looking at it on my computer.
--15th & 1st
Overheard by: Joe
But If That's What'll Get Us into the DAR, So Be It
Old lady #1: I hate the back door.
Old lady #2: Me, too.
--Bronx Zoo
It'd Be Like a Subway Car Roaring Through the Tunnel
Blinged-out teen #1: You know, I heard for every ten pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your dick.
Blinged-out teen #2: Damn! Imagine if Ricky lost weight!
--1 train
The Lawyer? Not So Much.
Cop #1, to hobo: You don't have a home, but you have a lawyer.
Cop #2: That's fantastic!
--29th & Lex
Actually, Just Its Lower Third
Asian guy: Are you going to show me a naked fat woman? Because I'm really not in the mood right now...
Hot blonde: No, just her stomach...
--Times Square
Overheard by: cat
Unless You've Got a Fucking Fairy Godmother
Girl: But the other guy was supposed to get me those shoes. Why can't you get them for me?
Shoe dude: Ma'am, no one will ever get you those shoes.
--Shoemania, Union Square
Overheard by: moodle
So He Gets All the Girls
Guy #1: So, how's your gay roommate?
Guy #2: Ehhh... He's still gay.
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Jack Melody
But That Was Gonna Be My Opener
Brunette: I usually sit in front of him, but he got to class late the day we had the midterm and the only seat left was in front of me... And then I didn't know how to do any of the problems, so I just stared at him and daydreamed about playing with his balls and batting my eyelashes while giving him a blowjob.
Blonde: I strongly advise against mentioning that if you ever actually speak to him.
--Salon V, East Village
Overheard by: raconteuse
When Jesus Met Mary Magdalene
Chick: I just don't really like running through the Hasidic neighborhoods in my sports bra...
Guy: Uh-huh.
Chick: It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Guy: Yeah.
Chick: So I don't think I'm going to do that anymore.
--Bogart & Moore St, Bushwick
Overheard by: Erin
Headline by: TWWS
Runners-Up:
· "But I'm Still Wearing My Swastika Thong." - Craig should be working
· "Do I, Uh, Know You?" - clash
· "I Didn't Hear Anything but 'bra'" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "I'll Try Yarmulke Pasties Instead" - Katie
· "Too Many Guys Trying to Challah at Me" - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Topless It Is" - Sean McGurr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And You Should Be Able to Understand Why I Bit Down
Guy: It's just that, well, fucking you didn't live up to my fantasy of fucking you.
Girl, after long pause: Yeah, I guess I can understand that...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Devin
Except to School and Church, of Course
Girl #1: There's something wrong with my tail bone...
Girl #2: Yeah?
Girl #1: Yeah, actually -- there's a scrape on it.
Girl #2: Um, really?
Girl #1: Yeah, and I really can't figure out how it happened! I've been wearing pants everywhere I go...
--Prospect Park
Who Will I Copy Off Of?
Drunk teen: Kill me, please.
Sober teen: No, you have the SATs next month.
--Stuyvesant High
Wednesday Two-Timers
Guy to buddy: It's not cheating if it's underground.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: emilia
Man on cell: Yes, darling... I miss you, too... Can't wait to wrap myself around you again... You are so hot... Oooh, yeah, you make me crazy... Hold on a sec, I've got a call coming in [looks at phone]... Shit! It's my wife. Lemme call ya right back.
--JetBlue terminal, JFK
Overheard by: Big Larry
Crazy guy to train: Does anyone know how I can convince my wife that I won't cheat on her?
--F train
Overheard by: tko
20-something on cell: I genuinely think we'd be a good match, except for the whole being married and cheating on his wife thing.
--49th & Rockefeller Plaza
Hispanic girl: You should send him a card that says, 'Congratulations on marrying the girl you cheated on and dumped for me and then got back together when I dumped yo' cheatin' ass for someone way better.'
--6 train
Uh-Oh, Wednesday One-Liners Are Staining
Queer to friend: Tomorrow is flow day! That's when you have to wear a pad and a tampon!
--W 3rd, between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: good golly
20-something girl: They didn't have tampons, so I got Smirnoff Ice.
--Lincoln Place & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: That's gotta hurt
Hot chick on cell: I'm off! Wish me and my menstrual cup luck!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman: That would be a really awful super-power to have ?- the ability to make a woman menstruate whenever you fuck her.
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Believe the Filth and the Prices
NY-er, as visitor friend hesitates at crosswalk: It is so touristy to be afraid of getting hit by cars.
--34th & Broadway
Father to young son: The species tourist vulgaris is identified by the fanny pack and the new white sneakers.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: poomer
Woman with southern twang: The only good thing about living in this shithole is at least no one thinks I'm a tourist anymore.
--Woodhaven & Jamaica
Chick seeing group of Japanese tourists with cameras and "I <3 NY" shirts: Stereotype!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: lezbotron
Wednesday One-Liners Give Those Quirky Conductors a Run for Their Money
Bus driver: Next stop, McDonald's! You know the song! Old MacDonald had a farm, and on the farm he had a metro card...
--B61 bus, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: miss mess
Bus driver: This bus will be making stops in Carlstadt, Moonachie, Little Ferry, Teterboro, Lodi, Garfield, Elmwood Park, and finally, thank God, in Paterson. Take all your belongings with you when you get off the bus, and remember, it is only a bus ride. You can do it.
--42nd & 8th
Bus driver: Okay, people, there are a few foreign words to make people move. They are 'Excuse me, please' -- let's all try saying that. Then, when they do move, say, 'Thank you.' Give it a try today... Welcome aboard the Q88 bus on this lovely Wednesday morning. I hope all the kids on this bus did their homework, or made up homework this weekend. Remember, get good grades -- A's on your report cards -- and pass the Regents and you will have a very good life. If you don't want to hear this conversation again tomorrow, catch a different bus on your way to school or work.
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Jenn
Bus driver: Tired of the same old bus stop? Try Madison Avenue -- it's up next!
--M79 bus
Overheard by: Yorkie