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November 2007 Archives
"Bang Them Bitches" Is Gangsta for "Mommy, Love Me!"
Thug #1: Man, this nigga is so gangsta.
Thug #2, sharing thug #1's headphones: Word. Although, really I think he just raps like that because he's really vulnerable right now.
--L train, 1st Ave
Overheard by: kanye's therapist
Now I Remember Why I Stopped Having Kids
Little kid, refusing to eat soup: I already ate a chicken patty this morning!
Mother: Shhh. Do you see anyone else in this place yelling?
Little kid: You're making me yell!
Grandmother: Eat the soup.
Little kid: Stop making me yell!
--Panera Bread
Overheard by: happened to be working on my laptop
Mom Had Quite a Mouth on Her
Customer: How you doin'?
Postal worker: I'm working harder than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Customer: Sounds pretty bad.
Postal worker: Well, it's better than my mother. She used to say she was working harder than a one-legged whore working both sides of the street.
--Grand Central Post Office, 45th & Lex
What Exactly Do You Do with Your Earlobe, Anyway?
Creepster #1: Oh, man! I'm scared I'd never be able to have sex again.
Creepster #2: Naw, man, it isn't that bad. Just make sure they pierce it in the right spot.
--9th & 6th
If It's a Girl, Make Sure You Have a Video Camera
Dad: What are you going to do if a boy tries to kiss you?
Little girl: Bop him on the head.
Dad: That's right -- bop him on the head with a stick.
--1 train
Overheard by: Frank Kelly
Stop Singing and Lick Me
Chubby chick #1: Oh my god, you know who I look like and who I sound like? I saw like this really, really old CD of Barbara Cook, and she's so much fatter than me, but we sing exactly alike! [Sings.]
Chubby chick #2: I don't really think I look like anybody. That's not true -- I look like a Gummi Bear.
--Starbucks, 52nd & Lex
People Play Board Games without Smoking Pot?
Boy #1: So, I thought of something to make our image seem cooler.
Boy #2: What?
Boy #1: Whenever we talk about playing board games, we call it 'smoking pot.'
Boy #2: Oh, man, we smoke a lot of pot.
--Metro-North
I Don't Know Why Not
Queer #1: Sex with Nordic guys? That's like revenge sex for the Holocaust.
Queer #2: The Nordics? They weren't... Well... They weren't so bad. Plus, you can't keep blaming the fact that you're a huge whore on the Holocaust!
--Wall & William St
These Days, My Intelligence Is Globally Distributed
Guy: I liked it. What'd you think?
Date: It was okay, I guess. I don't know about the ending, though.
Guy: Well, I'm pretty sure it has some deeper meaning. I'll have to check some message boards and find out.
--Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Hopefully Not Someone Too Chunky
Passenger, after 30 minutes of delay: What do you suppose is going on up there?
Conductor, matter-of-factly: Someone is splattered all over the tracks for sure.
--Grand Central-bound Metro-North
But, Um... Do Some Women Have Testicles?
Suit #1: Anal leakage... I'm sorry, man.
Suit #2: Yup. No joke, though. That's the first and last time I'll be doing that.
Suit #1: Was she hot?
Suit #2: Couldn't tell. I had my eyes closed the whole time.
--6 train
I Took Him Shopping
Queer #1: I had a dream last night that I had cancer, but Ty Pennington showed up and built me a house!
Queer #2: The real question is, did you also have sex with him in the dream?
Queer #1: Come on, that would have been tacky!
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Kyle
To Forget How Bald You Are?
Little kid, jumping up and down: Mommy, Mommy! Are you baaald?
Mother, covering face with hand: I need a drink.
--168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff Bury the Hatchet
Girl #1: I'm so glad we're finally hanging out!
Girl #2: I've been drunk since two o'clock.
--BAM Opera House
Overheard by: It's 8 o'clock now
The Subway Is Something Else Entirely
Bus driver, swinging door open: If you ain't good-lookin', y'all ain't gettin' on my bus! [Girls outside stare.] I said, if you ain't good-lookin', you ain't gettin' on board!
Girl, slowly taking step: Well... I'm getting on this bus...
Bus driver: That's right! That's right! 'Cause you good-lookin'! Get your ass in here!
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: specialK
How Could You Not Love This Town?
Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I'm... sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I'm sleeping with a dominatrix. And it's all true.
--Whole Foods
That Is the Rule
10-year-old boy tourist: When are we going to eat?!
Teen brother: Shut up!
10-year-old boy tourist: I don't have to shut up! I'm in New York!
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Rick
These Ridiculous Earmuffs, for One Thing
Four-year-old: Daddy, what's that?
Dad: It's a siren. Are you serious? What's wrong with you?
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Sarahcasm
Sean Preston Says What We're All Thinking
Mom: You're just making me frustrated right now.
Whining toddler: And you're making me stupid!
--16th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Oh, for Chrissake, Alice -- It's Not a Fucking Hymn!
Middle-aged lady: Okay, we're here. Do you want to do this? [Friend shakes head.] Well, you said you wanted to. Come over here with me. This is what we were planning. [Friend doesn't move.] Let's do this now. [Begins to sing] Imagine there's no heaven...
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Don't Do Any Additional Killing
MTA announcement: Due to an earlier incident, service on the number one line is running slowly. Please be patient.
Girl on stairs: Please be patient... What do they mean?
--59th St station
Overheard by: Sibyl
I'll Make a Toast with My 40 and Put a Cap in Your Ass with My .38
Son: I wasn't talking about drinking champagne.
Mom: You don't know anything. You make a toast with champagne, not 40s!
--Bushwick
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Headline by: Hobo Whisperer
Runners-Up:
· "Miss Manners Said So" - John
· "Not According to "Martha Stewart's Bronx Living", Mom" - Gabbertoons
· "Parenting on the Rocks?" - crystal
· "Shows What You Know About the Elite and Enviable Life Of the Fratboy." - danielle
· "Spike Lee Fights the Power" - glenntronic
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
At Least According to My Underwear
Drunk girl: We're totally those 20-something assholes that are drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drunk friend: It's Wednesday, you dumbass!
Sober friend: Um, it's Thursday!
--14th & 5th, Park Slope
What's with All the Racist Dogs?
Black guy #1: Dude, humans got all sorts of unique smells and shit.
Black guy #2: Man, that's why dogs love white people.
--Marcus Garvey Park
... Having Everybody Point and Laugh at You
Teen #1: Once, on the subway, I saw this guy and he was jerking off. Can you believe it?! Jerking off!
Teen #2: Jerking off on the subway?! That's got to be unhealthy!
--M96 bus
Wednesday One-Liners Get Lockjaw
Thug: I really gotta figure out a new way to ask for a blowjob.
--Soho
Overheard by: Emily McInerney
Guy to coworkers: So wait, a blowjob is exactly like sitting on a toilet?
--40th & 6th
Lady: Oy! Don't even get me started... Unless we're talking about gay men blowing each other, in which case, I have no problem with that.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Drunk girl to friend hooking up: Just suck his dick and let's go...
--Bar, Brooklyn
Chick on cell: Ah, bottle fellatio. I remember doing that in high school for a bunch of guys.
--Amtrak into Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen after HIV workshop: Yo, don't have anal, bro. Get your penis licked!
--Banana Kelly High School, Bronx
Overheard by: nooners
Tramp-Stamped Wednesday One-Liners
Tattoo flyer guy: Tattoos... They hurt like hell!
--St. Mark's Pl
Thug: I spread her ass out and she had a 'W' tattooed on the inside of one cheek and a 'W' tattooed on the inside of the other!
--JMZ
Dude: Well, I've got a tattoo of Calvin peeing on my butthole.
--Bedford & N 7th
Overheard by: Dylan
Man on cell: Mother! You got a tattoo? You hoodlum!
--Dean & DeLuca
TA: Anyone who needs his last name tattooed on his side has to be a real fucktard.
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners
Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big... thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules... And what are they for? I mean, they're to kill people... And I am anti-violence.
--NYU bus
Overheard by: Moose
Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?
--Woodside Station
Overheard by: Jesse
NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die... Then it turned out to be right.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: only cats have nine lives
Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is... the death penalty.
--Amtrak to Boston
Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!
--Washington & Rector
Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: ... And it's not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.
--E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl
Overheard by: Liz A
There's No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!
Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that's right -- crying about how my life turned out.
--Rachel's Restaurant
Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it's really a family bonding experience, so it's good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that's even better!
--Shea Stadium
Drug dealer to crying girl: Don't cry. Buy some weed.
--Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson
Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom!
--L platform, Lorimer.
Overheard by: einladle
Stoner: If by crying you mean 'ice cream and ecstasy,' then yeah.
--9th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ryan H
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Pet the Rabbits, George
Teacher, stopping abruptly in middle of lecture: Just for the record, I'm from Atlanta. Hence the accent. You were probably thinking I'm retarded or something... Nope... Just from the South.
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Overheard by: Tomato
NYU student on cell: Okay, um I don't want to offend you or anything, but you are so totally retarded!
--Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Big white dude on cell: ... And that's why we're obviously killing people -- because people are retarded.
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: fast walker
Black guy: There are 52 states in the U.S., and not one of them has a retarded black person.
--61st & Amsterdam
Woman to gay friend: You're not retarded -- you're just creative.
--19th & 8th
Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners
Student: It's true -- Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.
--Harry S.Truman High
Overheard by: Anya
Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!
--E train, Queens
Overheard by: Anya
Guy in heated debate: No, I told you -- everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!
--Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Amy
Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!
--110th & Broadway
Professor: I don't want to be chocolate.
--Bard High School Early College
Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma'am, I am 52 years old. What's an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?
--34th St station
Wednesday, As in "One-Liners"
Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette...
--Broadway-Lafayette platform
Man on cell: A is for fuckin' apple!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!
--6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That's Q, as in 'quickie...' Which y'all better not be havin' on my train!
--Q train to 57th St
Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in 'zebra,' or Z as in 'xylophone'?
--Doctor's office, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: Heavy D
To Wednesday, Perchance to One-Liner
Conductor: Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey! Wakey!
--Penn Station
College girl: Oh, no-no-no-no. Do not even get me started on teacher-student fantasies, okay? I have dreamed about my senior year English teacher every night for months, okay? It's magical, yet haunting, yet I'm terrified but don't want it to stop. It's taken over my mind. So don't even try to compete with me on teacher-student fantasies. You will lose.
--Columbia University
Middle schooler: Sometimes, when I look at certain people, I feel so tired.
--School bus stop, 5th & 5th
Chick: I know, and I'm addicted to dreams, too!
--Broadway & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Janet
Conductor: We now return you to your regularly scheduled nap, already in progress.
--Metro-North, 125th St
There's a Law Against Wednesday One-Liners in Alabama
Woman playing with touchable exhibits, to friend: You know, we never used riding crops until our wedding night.
--Museum of Sex
Hot chick on cell: I just made a first date for tonight... Fifteen minutes later I remember the hickeys I have on my neck. [Long pause, then] That said, it's a date with a guy I met while I was wearing a collar, so maybe bite marks are, like, expected of me.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Chick on cell: How can I be a submissive if we're listening to the Eurythmics?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Hot chick on cell: My only problem is randomly spanking strange women.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Drunk girl to drunk guy: So, after our conversation last night, I Googled 'circle jerk.' Is that something you guys do often?
--The Hairy Monk, 27th & 3rd
A Slutathon of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: So, I ended up giving him head in a closet at Allie's party. Am I a skank? Yes. Do I care? No.
--Starbucks
Chick on cell: I have casual, meaningless sex. It's what I do. It's like a cornerstone of my life... Yeah, so why is he calling me to tell me what he's buying at the grocery store? It's like, 'Call your fucking girlfriend for that.'
--E 93rd & 2nd
Overheard by: aunt petunia
Man on cell: ... Coming from a woman who's having an adulterous affair. Yes, I'm a total slut. I take no offense at that.
--Broadway, between Prince & Spring
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Saucy chick: I was hoping you had a juicy connection to him via a slutty friend at Oberlin.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Chick on cell: Of course I will be in your wedding party, as long as you don't call me 'maid.' I looked up the definition, and it means 'sexually inexperienced.' They don't call it 'man-whore of honor.'
--Bus stop, Flatbush & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lala
Dude to chick: Having self respect is too hard. You should be a slut. At least for a little while.
--Chambers St
Overheard by: maria
Wednesday and Its One-Linericiousness
Black chick to friend: Are you sure you want to invite them? They aren't re-niggers, are they? You know, niggers that renege a lot?
--Dressing room, Roosevelt Field Mall
Overheard by: horrified in the next dressing room
Guy on cell: They fucked with me! I need to get into those classes, and now I won't graduate 'til... Neveruary!
--9th & 2nd
Bimbette on cell: But you can't lollygag! You can't even textygag!
--Metro-North
Professor: Hmmm... Blackboard is down... That could be problematical.
--Baruch College
Overheard by: I Am McLoVey
Young mom to squirming toddler: Why is you beastin'?
--Lexington Ave
This Crazy Little Thing Called Wednesday One-Liners
Lesbian hipster to girlfriend, smiling: I love that you get on my nerves now!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Dan
Hoochie on cell: Look, I love you -- you're my best friend -- but if I don't hang up this phone, I'm going to tell you what I really think, and you'll be pissed.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: EthanK
WASP yuppie on cell: We were really proud of ourselves... And then we stayed in a loving place all day.
--N train platform, Astoria
Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.
--34th & 30th
Homeland Security: We're on It!
Woman on cell: Oh, I almost forgot -- I heard a Muslim fart today! I know! I knew you'd be excited!
--JFK
Overheard by: Kate
You Look a Lot Less Like You in Person
Man #1: What is going on here?
Man #2: They are filming the new Sex in the City movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. They have the entrance to the subway blocked off.
Man #1: Wonderful. I wouldn't even know what Sarah Jessica Parker looks like.
Woman nearby: Hi. I'm Sarah Jessica Parker.
Man #1: Nice to meet you. Can I go home now?
Sarah Jessica Parker: Sure, go ahead.
--Outside 6 train entrance
Overheard by: Matt
Nice Talking to You
Hot chick: So, the first time I got drunk, I was drinking whiskey.
Yuppie dude: The first time I got drunk, it was Baileys Irish Cream.
Hot chick: Oh... My friend just told me that was a fat girl drink.
--Bar, Chelsea
Overheard by: two stools over
But at Least It Wasn't Mary Jane
Tween #1: Dude, guess what I found in my brother's drawer?
Tween #2: Pot?
Tween #1: No, it's so much worse. Marijuana!
--Hammerstein Ballroom
More Like the Reason We Need Them
Dad: Let's go to St. Patrick's!
Kid: ... Is that another bar?
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Kelly
And Yourself?
Woman: Hello.
Guy: What?
Woman: I said hello.
Guy: Oh. It sure is, it sure is.
--315 Hudson St
Overheard by: Lalaith
Until They Fall on You
Tiny Asian girl: She was massive! And you know how, like, sometimes the trains don't open both doors and they just open one? She could barely get in. And then when she finally squeezed through, she took up, like, three fucking seats.
Skinny brunette: That's crazy. You never see fat people.
--24th & 8th
Overheard by: Frank P.
A True Gentleman Always Puff-Puff-Passes
Gangsta #1, to cat-calling friend: Man, that's rude.
Gangsta #2: Shut up! You smoke in front of your grandma.
--S 2nd & Bedford Ave