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December 2007 Archives
Religion Being Indistinguishable from Marketing
Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I'm still not sure. I'd like something that pays millions but doesn't require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you're giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy's book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Lolita
Agree to Anal and He'll Put You in His Will
Girl #1: I don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep with him unless we're in a relationship, but I'm afraid to give him an ultimatum.
Girl #2, after a pause: Well, he wants to sleep with you, so I'm sure he'll say yes!
--A train
Eh, I'd Say Their Average Grade's an Oral-B
Early-20's girl #1: Well, how's the sex?
Early-20's girl #2: [Mumbling.]
Early-20's girl #1: Hmmm, but oral sex? Is he good at that? I hear guys are very bad at giving oral sex.
--Häagen-Dazs, Park Slope
She Has Slut-dar
Middle-aged man with suitcases: So, where's the airport, honey?
Russian chick: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Middle-aged wife: What? Newark Airport?
Russian chick: This isn't the airport, slut!
--Port Authority
He Felt Guilty about Attaining Enlightenment
JAP #1: Is he a Juddhist?
JAP #2: A what?
JAP #1: You know, a Jew Buddhist.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah, totally.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ein Berliner
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Beer Companies and Star Wars Nerds Have Little to Fear
Girl: You're on crack. Nobody's just going to start calling the Empire State Building 'ESB.'
Guy: If I do it often enough, it might start a trend.
--Empire State Building
He Also Plans to Reach the East by Sailing West
Tourist man to wife, walking to back of train as it pulls forward: C'mon, I want a seat in the front.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Casey
What He Gets for Being Fresh
Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don't touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it's fresh?
Bread vendor: I'll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You're. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That's what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]
--Soho
Overheard by: Bulent Akman
That's Code for, "I'm Lost, Too"
Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where--
Biotech, interrupting: --Look, I don't have time to make up fake directions.
--W Broadway
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· "And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I'll Never Get Back" - Markle
· "And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won't Give You Real Ones" - Yana
· "Mapquest's Employee Of the Month" - Claire
· "Or The Knowledge for Real Ones" - DIck
· "So Take a Left Over There" - emily bess
· "Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You're from Out Of Town." - jnr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Have to Quit Drinking, Mary, You're Pregnant!
Drunk girl: What, you think you have a 25-inch dick? I'm not afraid of a 25-inch dick! I haven't seen your magnum dick! Show me your magnum dick! Take a magnum condom and put it on a corn cob! I didn't see your magnum dick! [Gets on train.] Diiick! Maybe there are some babies on the train, so I'll be quiet. They don't know what a big dick is. [Points at female riders] But they know what a big dick is! They know why they didn't get on the train! I'm not afraid of a big dick! I didn't see his big dick! [To male rider] You're not afraid of a big dick, are you? If I had a big dick, I would push it up on someone. I wouldn't care if they didn't want it. [More people get on.] You're not afraid of a big dick, Sparkly Jacket Man! Sparkly Jacket! You like a big dick, Hot Blue-Jacket Girl? It's the holidays! We should have cheer! Let's pray! Pray to Christ! Dear Christ and your big dick, you thrust forth and created this great nation with your sperm, Christ. Pray with me to Christ and his big dick!
Women having own convo: Yeah, so Jerry Seinfeld is coming, and my boss wanted me to get tickets.
Drunk girl: Ohhh, Seinfeld is coming! You guys like a big dick? Christmas spirit! I love all y'all. I want to give every one of you a kiss on the cheek! And a glass of champagne! Christmas spirit! With your big dick!
--L train
Overheard by: Anna
Not on a Full Stomach
Law gal #1: This is more pointless than giving a butt-ugly girl a nice haircut.
Law gal #2: Hey, a nice haircut helps.
Law gal #1: Have you looked at me lately?
--NYU Law Courtyard
Unrelated to Our Discussion of Chekhov, but Important to Know Nonetheless
Russian teacher: What sound do your chickens make?
Student: Cluck, cluck...
Russian teacher: But what about an excited chicken?
Student: What?
Russian teacher: Kudaaack-tachhh-tachhh! This is the sound of an excited chicken!
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: the blz
Angina, Mangina
Daughter: Yeah, and it turns out she has an extra valve in her heart!
Dad: Whoa, what does that do?
Daughter: It messes with her hormones... and stuff...
Dad: What, does she think she's a man?
--Times Square
Sorry, That's Illegal, but Might I Interest You in a Giant Cup of Caffeine?
Barista: Next customer, can I get you something started at the bar?
French woman: Double scotch, please.
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: Collin
Jeff Housebroken? Never Happen.
Woman #1: I told Jeff the best way he could propose to me would be to tie the ring around the neck of a cute puppy...
Woman #2: Housebroken.
Woman #1: Right.
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: Don
Now Tell Me, How Were Your Areola Expectations Not Met?
Drunk girl: I don't know. I think I need new nipples.
Bartender: Well, maybe you should show me. I'm a nipple connoisseur.
--Caroline's, Broadway
Overheard by: not kidding
College - High School = One Minute
Guy #1: Hey, where you going?
Guy #2: It's about 3:15 -- I gotta go to class.
Guy #1: This is college, not high school. You don't have to be on time to class.
Guy #3: So, what are we gonna do?
Guy #1: It's 3:16! I'm late for class!
--CUNY City Tech
Overheard by: Benny
So, Um, Whatever Happened to Matt Lauer?
Girl #1: Who is he, again?
Girl #2, screaming: John Norris! He's old, gap in his teeth, MTV News guy... [Turns and sees he's been standing right next to her.] Oh! Well, hello there!
--New York Sports Club
Overheard by: anonny
I Wonder How the Kid Is with Biology, and the French He Took?
Boy looking at action figures in window: Which of these do you like best?
Girl: I'm not sure... Definitely not George Bush.
Boy, pointing to Albert Einstein: I don't like him. He invented the atomic bomb and killed loads of people.
--Times Square
We Don't Hold with Furrin Music
German vendor: Hello.
Midwestern kid: Look, chocolate.
German vendor: Do you know Mozart chocolate?
Midwestern kid: No.
German vendor: But do you know Mozart?
Midwestern mom: No.
--Christmas market, Columbus Circle
Give Up a Whole Minute I Could Spend Feeling Sorry for Myself?
Young guy: Excuse me! Do you have a minute to spare for gay rights? Sixty seconds!
Old man, walking by: I can't even get laid, and they want to worry me about gay rights!
--65th & Columbus
And Our Immortal Souls, As Well?
Professor: What have I told you about fairness?
Student: That we should forget about it.
Professor: Yes!
--NYU Law School
What Happens When You Walk Too Close to NYU
Guy #1: You're killing me vicariously.
Guy #2: Did you just say 'bi-curiously'?
Guy #1: Wow.
--14th & Broadway
Actually, the Most Ironic Thing Would Be for Him to Have Died in Bed of Old Age
Dude: Death by a stingray? Fitting if he died from a crocodile, but it would be ironic if he died from being killed by a serial killer dressed in a crocodile costume.
Chick: Haha... Yeah...
--W 4th Bun Shop
Overheard by: Lux
How the Annoying Recognize Each Other During Mating Season
Nasal woman on cell: Heyyy, what you doooin'?
Stoner guy passerby, imitating her voice: Smokin' weeeed.
--74th & CPW
Moldova? EU!
Geek #1: I can't believe Romania just got accepted into the European Union!
Geek #2: What do you know? Next thing they'll even take Moldova.
--50th & Broadway
It's Hiding in Midtown
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to downtown?
Local: Downtown where?
Tourist: Times Square.
--N/Q uptown platform, Canal St
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
It's a damn good thing you put out!
Chick: I don't know -- all the worry about oil prices and gas... [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don't put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You're a dumbass.
--W 52nd St
Overheard by: Eric Shellhamer
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
Like, Those Oreo Cookie Things?
Old European guy, exasperated: Was Moses a hydrologist?
--Central Park
Their Names Are "Delirium" and "Tremens"
Girl: What's the deal with New York's bagels, anyway? I mean, they're delicious! What do you think New Yorkers do differently to their bagels that makes them so... Oh, look at you! You're too drunk to keep up with me because I'm speaking so rapidly.
Drunk guy: I'm listening to your rabbits!
--NYU
Overheard by: Evan Regas
I'd Ask You Out If Either of Us Had the Energy to Follow Through with It
Hipster boy: He's such a fucking loser -- he just has to admit it. I mean, I'm a loser, and I'm fine with it.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, it sucks to be a loser and not be cool with him.
Hipster girl #2: I never leave the house anymore.
Hipster boy: Me neither. Last week I bought an antennae for my TV, and sweatpants and weed. I only left the house today because I ran out of milk.
Hipster girl #1: Awesome.
--A train
Why Shirley Temple Movies Are Not Intended for Minors
Black mom: You chokin'?
Son: [Choking.]
Black mom: Hmmm?
Son: [Choking, grasping at throat.]
Black mom, hitting him hard on the back, causing him to cough something up: There. Now quit jumpin' and movin' when you eatin' a lollipop.
--13th & University
Overheard by: Mathew
Pardon Me, Ma'am, I Have Mariconcitos to Inspect
Hispanic cleaning lady: No, nuh-uh -- I am not going in there anymore. Those little mariconcitos always runnin' around naked. [Hispanic kid laughs.] See?! He knows what I'm talkin' about!
--Gym lockers, Hunter College
Overheard by: Kevo changes in these lockers
But No One Will Know It
Student: What's your name?
Professor: Doesn't matter. Someday we will all be famous and anonymous.
--NYU
Overheard by: teaching the future of america
And He Was a Big Hit
Guy picks himself and his bike up off the street while other people approach...
Latino kid: Damn, son! Did you see that?! Motherfucker just got hit!
White guy: Hit him, too, or just the bike?
Latino kid: Man, that car hit the shit outta that guy! [Answers cell phone] Yo, get down here, son. Some dude just got hit!
--17th & Prospect, Park Slope
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
She Should Keep Talking to Him
Headache medicine flyer girl: Sir, do you have a headache?
Suit: Not yet.
--Hoboken PATH station
Overheard by: Bo
Unfortunately, They're Also Too Stoned to Know It
Dude #1: Oh my god, what is that smell?
Dude #2: That's the smell of wisdom weed. It's why Rastafarians are so smart.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Sacagawea
The Most Enthusiastic Scrabble Player in the City
Queer suit #1: Wow. That was good.
Queer suit #2: Yeah. You were screaming so loud I had to put the pillow over your face.
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Dan
Must Be Great Having a Celebrity for a Father
Angry kid: Man, I'm tired of seeing that naked white fag with the guitar all the time.
Friend: Your dad?
Angry kid: No, you dumb fuck! That freak over there -- he's in postcards and shit. He's like a celebrity, kinda.
Friend: I think that's your dad...
Angry kid: Fuck you, ho.
--TKTS station, Times Square
That's Really More of a Kingdom Than a Species
Ex-Long-Islander #1: ... But then he'd have to marry a-- What's the female equivalent of 'guido'?
Ex-Long-Islander #2: I don't know... 'Bitch'?
--LIRR
Overheard by: sarah
She's Learned to Make the Green Ears Part of Her Style
Lady #1: Twelve dollars!
Lady #2: How much?
Lady #1: Twelve dollars! I never spend more than two dollars on earrings.
--22nd & 6th
Overheard by: Michael
So They Broke into a Chorus of "Food, Glorious Food" and Split a Tic Tac
Skinny girl: I'm hungry.
Friend: Same here. I want dinner. I want a salad.
Skinny girl: You want, like, a whole meal.
--N train, Times Square
What're They Prescribing for Uteral Bipolarity These Days?
Lady #1: That new arm implant birth control is so weird.
Lady #2: What's so weird about it?
Lady #1: I don't know -- it just sits there inside you and doesn't go away.
Lady #2: How is that any different from that IUD thing that sits in your uterus?
Lady #1: It is different! Things to up and down in your uterus.
--39th & 6th
Thanks for the Gift, Bitch
Teen girl #1: So, my friend's dad died. I feel like I should send her something -- y'know, just to make her feel better. Only I don't know her so well, so I'm not sure what to get her. Chocolate, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dunno. Chocolate doesn't sound like such a good idea. When people are depressed they buy chocolate and eat way too much of it and get really fat.
Teen girl #1: Ummm, I don't think that's really true.
Teen girl #2: ... I can attest to it.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: sugarnspice
We Prefer to Be Called "Porcine-Americans"
Queer #1: He's hot. Wait, he's hot, too. Fuck! Why is everyone I like so young?
Queer #2: 'Cause you're a pig?
--Jane St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Paddy
For a Pratt Brat, This Counts as Wit
Pratt girl: I didn't know you could think with your name being ethnic and all.
Ethnic chick: Whaaa?
Future Picasso: Her name's Jewish.
--Classon & Willoughby Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Glad I Didn't Go To Art School
Well, Whatever. Here, Have a Vegan Cigarette
Guy #1: You have to eat meat. People who don't eat meat are pussies.
Guy #2: I don't eat meat for two reasons: A) ... Um, you know.
--7 train
Overheard by: kgiacg
Tonight's Movie: The Picture of Doreen Gray and Her Sister
Girl #1: So, do you and your twin sister look alike?
Girl #2: Well, if we're standing next to each other we are, like, totally identical, but if you look at a picture of us, we look nothing alike... Do you want to take my picture?
Girl #1: Ummm...
Girl #2: Go ahead. You can take my picture.
--56th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
At the Free Will Special Olympics
Man: I'm just going to break into the apartment, okay?
Woman: You can't break into the apartment! It's not even your apartment!
Man: I can do whatever I want! Not you or anybody else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do!
--E 4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: martin
Your Ad Said You Were Docile and Stupid! I Demand a Refund!
Old man: I may be one of the richest men in the world, but everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Arm candy: Oh, no! You're not an idiot. You're an idiot savant!
--Maloney & Porcelli, 50th St
Overheard by: Jon G.
Yup, in His Side Pocket
Hipster chick: ... And then the cops came in and busted him for cocaine possession.
Old mom: Oh, goodness.
Hipster chick: Yeah, he totally didn't have that much.
Old mom: Did he have an eight-ball?
--66th & Park
Overheard by: ashley
Quiet, Chairman Meow!
Thug #1, with meowing kitten in backpack: Yo, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna snap ya neck. You about to get clapped by ya master.
Thug #2, with litter box: Yeah, son -- about to get clapped.
--Broadway Junction
Damn Minorities, Taking All the Swarovski Crystals
Dude: Yeah, so on my senior trip this girl won a bunch of Swarovski crystals...
Girl: Was she rich?
Dude: Well, she's a minority, so I wouldn't think so.
Girl: Good. I would hate it if she was rich.
--Wendy's, Parsons Blvd
That's Called "Gonorrhoea"
Confused guy: What?!
Angry chick: Your grey matter has yellow spots.
--22nd & 6th
Which Would Solve Just about Zero Percent of Your Problem, Sir
White student: I can't believe you guys gave my ID to another person!
Security guard: Yeah, I'm really sorry. I wish there was a better system for doing this.
White student: Yeah, they should have all the Asian kids in a separate directory, because they all have the same last names.
--23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Darren Montalbano
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That'll Be $75
Freshman: Hi... I'll get, uh... um... a Screwdriver and, um, a Corona, and with a lime.
Bartender: Generally, when you order a Corona it comes with a lime.
Freshman: Where I'm from, you don't get a lime unless you ask for it.
Bartender: Where are you from?
Freshman: Westchester.
--Bar near NYU
And If Not, Ask Your Father, If You've Got the Balls
Young boy: Mom, what are those two things?
Mom, reading display: That's your scrotum, right there...
Young boy: What's a scrotum?
Mom: It's your... That thing... Oh, you know what it is!
--Bodies Exhibit
Overheard by: Marty
Although They Had a Number of Adventures, Wallace and Gromit Never Made It to the Laundromat
Guy #1: There's a laundromat! Should we get off?
Guy #2: No, let's get off on the way back. Then we'll be on the right side.
Guy #1: We're on the right side now.
Guy #2: But there's no way down to the street on this side.
Guy #1: The stairs are right there.
Guy #2: But they aren't safe.
--Metro-North
Wanksday One-Liners
Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? 'Cause I can't sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.
--F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St
Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin' off, I wanna know.
--Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that's fun!
--29th & 7th
Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I'd be at home sticking everything inside me -- cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!
--Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City
Overheard by: tracy
College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!
--N train
Overheard by: Bionic Womyn
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't a Tourist Attraction, Assholes
Chick to friend, standing silently for several minutes: You know, there really isn't that much to see here.
--Ground Zero
Woman on cell: What about the Christmas cards with the twin towers surrounded by flowers? ... Yeah. Kinda grim, huh?
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Karyn Regal
Wannabe-hardcore bimbette: So, this is where it all went down, huh? Where the shit hit the fan...
--PATH station, WTC
Overheard by: WesTexMike
Tourist man to MTA lady: I want to go to that World Trade Center thing.
--14th St station
Tourist: Is this nine-eleven?
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: duplicity
Wednesday One-Liners? Everyone Knows They Don't Exist!
Teen boy: ... Except you're forgetting that I'm an elf.
--M14D bus
Overheard by: amelia
Girl to friend, both covered in fake blood and wounds: Are you sure this is the right location? I don't see any other zombies around...
--42nd St
Overheard by: Katie
Hobo: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir! I'm a goddamn leprechaun!
--W 4th & Waverly
Overheard by: Alex
Teacher: So, I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by zombies. Then I realized it was a dream, and I had a big sword and started swinging it at the zombies' heads. But the sword was going through them and I was like, 'What the hell?!' and then they started turning into my freshmen students from last year...
--Bronx Science
Open-Mouth Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: This is your conductor reminding you to beware of pickpockets. Keep your bags in sight, your wallets in your pocket, stay alert, and remember to kiss.
--5 express train
Overheard by: Ben Arwin
Guy to girl: I'm not going to kiss you, 'cause remember -- last time we kissed was before you went to jail.
--O'Connor's, Bergen St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joe
Drunk guy: I didn't kiss your boobs, I kissed your chest. There's a difference!
--49th & 1st
Guido: I'm not prejudiced against fat chicks. I would love to fuck a fatty tonight... I just won't kiss her.
--Outside McFatty's
Overheard by: Liz
Five-year-old girl: Before we leave, I'm going to kiss a boy and get married later.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Daveyy
Wednesday One-Liners Need an Extinguisher for Their Pants
Guy on cell: No, I'm upstate.
--F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dislocated Upstater
Dude on cell: Dude, I'm at the library!
--Reade & West Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Man on cell while on bus: Yeah, Mom, I gotta go. I'm getting on the subway.
--99th & Broadway
Overheard by: Zach
Rich lady on cell: Yes, sweetie, I'm in New Jersey now. I miss you, too!
--Wall St
Overheard by: Trillie
Suit on cell: I told you, Jim, I can't help you now. I'm already in New Jersey!
--Liberty & Broadway
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Wednesday One-Liner?
Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, 'Do you want to lick it?'?!
--Churrascaria Plataforma
Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.
--DiFara's Pizzeria
Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He's so hot... I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina...
--Stage door of Golden Theatre
Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia
Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!
--L train
Overheard by: how many hot dogs?
Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people's eyeballs?
--17th Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners of Color
Queer: 'Winter white' used to mean something.
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: JC
Fat guy: I can't believe I bought a freaking purple litter box.
--Spring & Thompson
Conductor: We have a red signal and should be moving shortly. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
--A train in tunnel before 59th St
Guy: They should just hang a big pink triangle on him and tell him to stop.
--2nd Ave station
Overheard by: Kira
Guy on cell: Yeah. I use Post-it flags to read GQ. Red for chicks, blue for clothes [continues]...
--Shuttle bus from JFK to Grand Central
Overheard by: post-it flag dependent student
Hobo selling lollipops: Please find God in your hearts and buy a sucker so I can rent a room. I know some of you don't want to read the Bible -- you just want to go home and smoke some weed or whatever, but I got news for every person on this train: I don't care if you're black, white, blue, or green, you're all going to die.
--6 train, 28th St
Overheard by: going home to smoke weed
Fresh-Cut, Deli-Style Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: I'm pretty sure Cheez Doodles® not falling out of the vending machine is a sign of the apocalypse.
--63rd & Madison
Overheard by: Gabby
Dude: Would anyone like some cheese?! I have some cheese in my pocket!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Javi
Crazy hobo: If Bloomberg wants cream cheese, I'm damn well not payin' for it!
--E train, 59th St
Overheard by: dubyaMD
Suit on cell: If you stopped eating macaroni and cheese, your couch cushions wouldn't be flat.
--70th St & Colonial Rd, Bay Ridge, Brookyn
Overheard by: Steve
Kid on overcrowded bus: Daddy, it smells like butt cheese!
--125th St
Overheard by: I totally did
Fat black lady, running: I want some cheesecake!
--Times Square
Thanks for the Mammaries, Wednesday One-Liners
Thug to girlfriend: Psh, no wonder! You got tits like an orangutan!
--Francis Lewis High
Stripper on cell: I just finished my fourth shift this week. I'm so tired of seeing titties!
--Outside Scores Gentleman's Club
Overheard by: Tom
Hipster: It only works for creatures with tits.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Nikki Stellini
Queer: Boobs are so not annoying.
--Astoria
Blonde on cell: So, how was your weekend? ... Oh! How did it go? Do they feel like bowling balls? ... You wore a snowsuit? Wow, I've never heard of anyone who gets breast implants and then hides them!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: s.
Chick on cell: I mean, what it boils down to is this: I have a really outstanding rack.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
These Wednesday One-Liners Won't Stain
Woman on cell: He wouldn't know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.
--Central Park
Overheard by: albus severus
Garage attendant: Sex is better when you're all sweaty. If she can't grab your ass, she'll slide right off!
--Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave
Overheard by: Lalaith
Frat boy: ... So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.
--NYU dining hall
Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.
Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you're doing! You can't be doin' that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!
--Queens Blvd, Rego Park
Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman in dressing room: There's a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.
--MEXX, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Sarah
Drink Up, Wednesday One-Liners!
Man singing "My Girl": White girl -- talking 'bout whiiite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!
--2 train
Old guy playing chess: I can't drink orange juice anymore. It makes my eyes sweat.
--Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: fancypants
Woman on cell: Just drink cranberry juice. It cures everything.
--Starbucks, Astor Pl
Overheard by: Brian
Man on cell: I don't think somebody would put poison in milk...
--Union Square
Overheard by: SixthFloorGirls
Woman on cell: My cabbie just handed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Outraged eight-year old boy: They didn't have any fucking chocolate milk! I was so pissed off!
--76th & West End
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season
Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!
--M14D crosstown bus
Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!
--A train, 59th St
Overheard by: Call me Santa
Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? ... Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain't buying you shit this Christmas!
--1 train
Overheard by: marcusmarc
Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!
--33rd & 7th
Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets -- they're running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that's your paranoia for the day!
--F train
Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.
--Ludlow St
Overheard by: ryan
Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday... Be safe, be good, and if you can't be good, be good-looking.
--2 train
Overheard by: apparently out of luck
He's a Passionate Advocate for the Gregorian Calendar
Australian Girl: Well, our year starts in January and ends in June.
Young man next to her: Oh my god! So you guys are, like, in the year 2010 or something! Fuckin' weirdos...
--Brooklyn-bound 3 train
Yeah, You're Rude, but Are You New York Rude?
Tourist #1: This is the entrance, that's the exit! You need to wait your turn in line to get out the right way.
Tourist #2, plowing through gate: Pshhh. Tourists!
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Ava
When the Family's Finances Are "Mysteriously" Shifted to an Offshore Account, This'll All Come into Focus
Nanny: So, do you like being poor?
Obviously-not-poor child: Can I have a cookie?
Nanny: Maybe you should think about how you don't like being poor instead of cookies.
--W 77th, between Broadway & West End
Overheard by: Jen
Portrait of the Diva As a Young Girl
Little boy: If you fell down and I saved you, would you love me?
Little girl: Nigga, please -- I don't want yo' dirty-ass hands touchin' my dress.
--B train
Overheard by: LSB
He's Okay with It, Except When My Sunbathing Cuts into Our Snuggling Time
Lady suit #1: Yeah, I've always been a sun worshiper.
Lady suit #2: And how does your son feel about that?
--34th & 9th
Overheard by: solar spiritualist
I'm Beginning to Sense That Our Goals May Be Different
Chick #1: If I have sex with you, will you shut up?
Guy: Maybe.
Chick #2: Find an alley and do it, because I'm going to be late for my hair appointment.
--F train, Queens
If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good
Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.
--Chinatown
And Education Clearly Has No Intrinsic Value
Man: I bet you're hot to trot to get back to school
Girl: No, not really. My dad will be driving me.
--Rolling Hills Park, Staten Island
That Makes You the Friendly Dwarf
Hipster girl: The friendly giant plays the clarinet. Can you play the clarinet?
Tall hipster guy: No, but I can play the recorder.
--2nd Ave, between 2nd & 3rd St
Overheard by: Grace
It Looks Like Goodwill, Honey, but I Wanted to Give You the Benefit of the Doubt
Fortune teller: Excuse me, miss, where did you get your dress?
Pretty brunette: Don't you know?
--Mulberry & Canal
Half-Credit for Originality
High school guy: Why they called us 'niggers'? They wake up and say, 'We callin 'em 'niggers' from now on!' or something?
High school girl: No, idiot, 'cause they got us from the Nigger River in Africa.
--CCNY, 135th Convent Ave
Overheard by: APR 04 Alum
Only Ironic Escaped Mental Patients Merit a Call to the Police
Hipster #1: I think he escaped from the hospital.
Hipster #2: Yeah, he was wearing hospital garbs, and he looked like he'd peed on himself.
Hipster #2: Where-to now?
Hipster #1: Wherev.
--Deli, 6th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Having Corrected This Simple Misunderstanding, They Easily Overcame All the Racial Strife in New York
Black girl #1: Yo, why's no one standin' wid us? They too good for us?
Black girl #2: It's 'cause we're black, yo.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The White Girl Standing Next to Them
Guys, Clear Testimony That Dancing Doubles Your Chances of Getting a Date
Girl to friend: I mean, guys just don't understand how much hotter they are when they can dance. I'd totally date a guy who can dance with me.
Random queer: Me, too!
--Q train
When Bogie Met Bacall, He Was Drunk and She Was Just a Kid
Drunk guy, catcalling: Meow!
Mini-skirt girl, first shocked, then laughing: Woof, woof!
--E 7th & Ave A
Overheard by: animal lover
Almost Lightspeed, Actually
Car owner: Yeah, I just bought it. It has a supernova in it.
Friend: It must go really fast.
--Starbucks
Was Another Boy Fucking Him?
High school dancer #1: Like, oh my god, I had the weirdest dream the other night... I was fucking Brendan Urie from Panic! at the Disco.
High school dancer #2: Wow... I need details! Did you get wet? Was he on top? Was I in the bed?
--Central Park
Overheard by: thatgirlrightthere
How Gwendolyn Got an Onion Bagel with Spit on It
Clerk: Ma'am, you did not order an onion bagel.
Biotech: Yes, I did. You're wrong.
Clerk: Let me read back your order. [Does so.]
Biotech: Look, I said you're wrong. You're wrong and you're ugly!
--875 3rd Ave
Prudence Experiences Irregularity Whenever She Has to Make a Decision
Eight-year-old girl pointing at bin of toys: Mommy, which one should I get?
Mommy dearest: I don't give a shit.
--Chinatown
It's Hard to Give up the Princeton Rub Once You've Tried It
Teen #1: Come on, let me rub it out!
Teen #2: No!
Teen #1: I'm telling you, it works. Let me rub on it!
Teen #2: Get away from me! Dad, tell John* to stay on his side of the train seat!
Teen #1: I'm just trying to rub the tension out of his muscle.
Dad: Okay, boys, stay in your own seats and keep your hands to yourselves. This week's episode of post-fraternity homoerotic nostalgia is over.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Gay4God
Everyone Does That. I Meant, What Do You Do for a Living?
Guy: What do you do?
Girl: I'm into fetish photography.
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Mr. Logic No Longer Tries to Give Advice in Person, Ever Since Ms. Hormones Severed Mr. Johnson
Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you're wrong. Why don't you calm down and listen to Mr. Logic? Mr. Logic says...
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Trouble
Headline by: JohnnyB
Runners-Up:
· "... You Probably Had Herpes Before You Met Me." - KJM
· "...maybe Dating a Writer for Sesame Street Wasn't Such a Good Idea." - df
· "It Won't Do Any Good If She Can't Actually SEE the Hand Puppet." - Zenece
· "Now Tom, That Only Works on Katie..." - Lindsey
· "Worst Penis Name, Ever." - Jim C.
· "You're 8 Months Pregnant, Birth Control May Be Moot" - Rose
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Grande Caramel Urinatio, Coming Up!
Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus...
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don't you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don't you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]
Hurried customer: You know -- Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit -- I don't need your friggin' card.
--Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman
Overheard by: compnerd aka
Indignant, They Called the Humane Society
Dude #1: Yo, son! Son! Look at that horse!
Dude #2: Nah, I don't like horses much.
Dude #1: No, son! Son! Look at what's on the horse. Damn.
Dude #2: Damn! Mama Mia! That ass is bigger than the horse's!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Lizzie-loo
You Mean Like Bacon?
Boyfriend: So, my buddy's celebrating Rosh Hashanah tomorrow, and he said he'll bring me some matzah ball soup.
Girlfriend: He's celebrating what? And giving you what?
Boyfriend: Some Jewish holiday. Some Jewish food.
Girlfriend: Ah.
--2 train
Overheard by:
What the Hell Is a Walkman?
Headphones guy singing R. Kelly and dancing: It's the freakin' weekend, baby -- I'm about to have me some fun!
Passerby: I bet that Walkman doesn't even have batteries in it. Also, he sucks.
--Bryant Park platform
She's Got a Few Yellows for Unsprtsmanlike Conduct
Father: So, do you have a green card?
Nanny: No, but I'm getting one soon.
Two-year-old boy: Do you have a red one, too?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: heading to the darfur rally
NewsFlash: Dispatcher Beaten to Death by Canes. Memorial at Elmont Cemetery Planned.
Old man, with wife: How much is it to Elmont Cemetery?
Car service dispatcher: Will that be one way, or round-trip?
--E 19th St & Ave U, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Arthur
Except for the Cow Part, She Should Feel Right at Home
Yankee: You're from North Carolina? What is there to do in North Carolina, anyway?
Tourist: Oh, we tip over cows and lynch niggers.
--Havemeyer & Grand, Brooklyn
Overheard by: A Provincial New Yorker
The Houston Rockets -- Tallest Kickline in the City
Tourist woman looking at Radio City Music Hall: That's where the Rockets are.
20-ish son: Who are the 'Rockets'?
--50th & 6th
Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode
Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!
--Times Square station
Alice: I Could Go for Some Dwarfs
Husband: Geez! Alls you do is sit on your ass and play with the kids.
Wife: I'm sorry I am not Carol-freaking-Brady! We have six fucking kids and I still have no Alice! Give me a break and cook dinner your-fucking-self! The kids are eating PB&J -- end of discussion.
Husband: The Brady Bunch was for me like Snow White was for you.
Wife: But the dwarfs here don't whistle while they work. I still want Alice!
Husband: You always get the last word. I can't top that! Dammit!
--Soho
Overheard by: Laura
Their Penises Are Stuck in the Sheep
Teacher: How come the people in Australia don't fall off the bottom of the Earth?
First grade girl: Super Glue!
First grade boy: Because they have their shoes on!
--P.S. 86, Bronx
Overheard by: Wendy
He Could Easily Have Convinced Him He Was God, or the President
Gullible guy: So, are you really a porn star?
Dude in 'Porn Star' baseball cap: Yeah.
Gullible guy: Cool.
--The Players Theatre, MacDougal St
And My Crayons
Tourist man: Use that postcard for Bill and Lisa*.
Tourist woman: Ugh, I'll have to use my big writing.
--Starbucks
Whose Self?
Girl #1: He's just self-conscious.
Girl #2: Conscious about what?!
Girl #1: ... Himself.
--Original Pizza, Bay Ridge & 4th
Overheard by: Patrick
First I Gotta Get a Haircut and a Chest Wax
Guido #1: Can you believe that girl called me a 'guido'?!
Guido #2: Seriously -- what a whore!
Guido #1: I cannot believe the bitch called us guidos!
Guido #2: Yeah... So, when are we hitting Webster Hall?
--Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: I shook my head
If You Really Want to Be a New Yorker, Stand Right in Front of That Big, Speeding Bus
Girl #1 after crossing street during "Don't Walk" sign: Oooh, I'm like a New York City resident!
Girl #2: Why? Because you walked into oncoming traffic?
Girl #1: That's what they do!
--8th & Broadway
So, What, a Connecting Flight to Maryland?
Woman #1: I was supposed to go to Detroit tonight.
Woman #2: How far is that?
Woman #3: Eight hours, right? 'Cause it's, like, eight hours to Miami.
Woman #1: But Detroit's in Chicago, not Florida.
Woman #3: Oh, yeah.
--Bowery
Jingleheimer Schmidt Is Especially Kinky
Chick on cell: Oh, I have a few Johns. [To guy friend next to her, who laughs] Oh, shut up! [Into cell] No, but really, I do.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Nik
In Real Life, the Ogre Never Gets the Princess
Tiny lady suit staring at stairs, to no one in particular: I wish someone would just carry me up...
Huge, burly guy: I'll carry you.
Tiny lady suit: Ew! Gross!
--E station, 7th Ave
Is He Having a Coat Hanger Sale?
Latino #1: My wife's been sick lately.
Latino #2: Hope she ain't pregnant.
Latino #1: If she's pregnant, I'm callin' Maury Povich!
--Dallas BBQ, St. Mark's Pl
Isn't Being Killed by Naked Boy Tumors Kinda... Gay?
Chick #1: Wait, how many tumors does he have?
Chick #2: A bunch. They all have names, too. Jeff, Tom, Bill... I can't remember the rest, but they're names like that.
Chick #1: No girl tumors?
Guy: He doesn't want his death to be caused by girls.
Chick #1: What about transvestites?
Guy: No, they don't wear clothes.
Chick #1: Transvestites?
Guy: No, tumors.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Then I Get Tricked into Reading Them, and... Ick!
Pretentious daughter: Oh my god, you know what I really hate? When they, like, put the movie characters on the covers of books.
Pretentious mother: Oh my god, me too!
--Starbucks, 111th St
Overheard by: the cashier
Is Anything More Fun Than Shocking the Prudish?
Drunk girl #1: Have you let him cross the border?
Sober girl: W-what?
Drunk girl #2: You have, haven't you?!
Sober girl: I don't even know what 'cross the border' means...
Drunk girl #2: It means in the butt!
Drunk girl #1: C'mon, girl, let him cross it! Give that man citizenship!
--Lafayette & White
Overheard by: meanstreet
Oliver Twist: 2006
Dad, sternly: Do you have money? [Three-year-old looks at him, almost in tears, and barely shakes his head.] If you don't have money, how are we going to get McDonald's?
--Wyckoff Ave
Overheard by: thankful I don't have to deprive my non-existent kid
That's the "Big Three" of Medication, All Right
Little grandson: Yo! He gonna go get some dicks!
Ghetto grandma: Where you learn to talk like? [To other passengers] I'm sorry. He needs his medication.
Little grandson: Dicks! Bitch! Coca-Cola!
--N train
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Maybe You Haven't
Girlfriend: I was so sick yesterday until I finally went to the doctor.
Boyfriend: Oh, no! What was wrong?
Girlfriend: Well, um, you'll find out anyway... I had a UTI. I mean, it's not an STD, but you can get it from sex...
Boyfriend: But we haven't been doing it that much!
--1 train
The Circle of Life, Apparently
Pre-teen girl on bike #1: Why don't we go into that building and wait, and then go around the circle and get in trouble again?
Pre-teen girl on bike #2: Okay.
--Washington Square Park
Actually, That's Just the Way His Hair Grows, You Insensitive Bitch
Woman to man in Yankees hat: Do you know if the Yankees won today?
Man: Sorry, you're talking to the wrong guy. I don't follow sports.
Woman to man in Yankees hat: ... So you just wear the hat, then?
--2 train
Overheard by: Caty
When I Was Little, a Raisin Killed My Parents
Dude: ... And they put, like, these cranberry raisins in it.
Chick: I don't like raisins.
Dude: No, but like, they don't taste like raisins -- they're totally cranberries.
Chick: I really hate raisins, though.
--Cosi, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dani
Where the Rubber Meets the Road, If You Like
Loud chick, on coming out of the closet: I have a lot of gay guy friends, and they all went through the same thing. Well, almost the same -- 'I'm different,' then, 'I'm bisexual,' then, 'I only like Asian women,' then, finally, 'I'm gay!'
Asian classmate: So, we're the last pit stop before gay, now?
--Maimonides Hospital, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ace Montana
I Get So Profane after My Third Scotch
Six-year-old boy #1: ... And I was like, 'Fucking lawyers!'
Six-year-old boy #2: Yeah!
--96th & CPW
Overheard by: after your alimony, are they?
Strictly Speaking, Only Oklahoma Is "OK"
Man: So, how was Missouri?
Woman: I was in Vermont.
Man: How was Vermont?
Woman: It was okay.
Man: Was it?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
She Unilaterally Invoked the Babe Discount
Dude: You just paid 12 dollars for a 15-dollar cab.
Chick: Shit, I forgot to tip.
--Worth & Church St
Who Wants to See a Horror Movie Where No One Dies?
Hipster, after a preview: Why would anyone want to see that? There's no white people in it.
Girlfriend: Shhh!
Hipster: What?
--Landmark Sunshine Cinema, E Houston
It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion
Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like-- He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: M-City
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride Can Get Pretty Romantic
First year law student: Don't you think Disney World is romantic?
Second year law student: Anything can be romantic.
First year law student: Yes, anything can be romantic... if you're on the right drugs.
--Cardozo Law School
Overheard by: Ronaldo
Only If the White Girl Turns Out to Be a Man
A scuffle ensues during which a white girl pulls off a bald woman's wig.
Bald woman: Whatever, bitch -- you just got taken down by a cancer survivor! Where did my wig go? Told that bitch not to fuck with me...!
White girl, on floor: You trashy bitch.
Guy passerby: Oh, shit, it's like real-life Jerry Springer!
--6 train, 96th St
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
So Anyway, Dad's Birthday Is Coming Up Soon
Girl #1: I woke up the next morning and felt awful. There's a word for it -- 'trench-mouth,' I think it is.
Girl #2: Gross.
Girl #1: Yeah, and then he started to call me. I think he liked me... And I was like, 'Ew, I hate you.'
--Kudo Beans, 1st & 3rd
Overheard by: Ken
Hopefully Nowhere Inconvenient for Pedestrians
Hobo #1: Hey, man! I thought you were dead!
Hobo #2: Dead where?
--Washington Square Park
Why the Bush Administration Issues Peppermints
Bimbette #1: Do you have sucking candy?
Bimbette #2: No, but I have gum.
Bimbette #1: I don't want gum -- I don't want to chew and use my brain.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pbq
I Share Their Utilitarian Philosophy, Especially Regarding Titties
Girl cooing at boyfriend: You know, I just wanted a mature guy -- they're so rare! And you're very mature in your outlook.
Boyfriend: I am mature. I'm glad you see th-- Oh, look -- Playboy Enterprises!
--5th Ave
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Not Yet, There Aren't
Vendor: Want to try a sample?
Girl: Sure. What are they?
Vendor: Vegan pineapple-upside-down cake.
Girl, taking two: I love vegans!
Vendor: No, wait -- there aren't any vegans in the cake...
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: djingo
Ophelia Yielded to Peer Pressure So Quickly, She Had to be Revived
Drunk chick to passing jogger: Hey! Stop running! It makes me feel bad about myself!
--Outside Jake's Dilemma, 81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Emily
But My Bench Press Is Up 50 Pounds!
Girl #1: Are you going to call me on my birthday? Huh? Huh?
Girl #2: What is it, the 23rd?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Oh, the 24th.
Girl #1: Yeah.. If my friends don't blindfold me and get me wasted...
Girl #2: Oh... Yeah, I will call you. Listen, I'm sorry I'm not more chatty. I just got out of the hospital and the doctors put me on steroids, which have the unfortunate effect of turning me into a total cunt.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Constipates Anonymous Meeting
Dude: Sorry I couldn't make it Friday night. I heard it was quite a doody.
Chick: Yeah, it was so good that everyone shit their pants.
--32nd & 7th
This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken
Waiter: Excuse me, sir -- can you finish up your coffee? We're closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It's only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.
--Coffee shop, 20th & 1st
Overheard by: PJ
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!
--4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why They Make Children's Chewable Lithium
Three-year-old boy: One of my friends died.
Mom: Wait -- what?!
Three-year-old boy: Yeah, one of my best friends died in a car crash when your friend died in a car crash.
Mom: Huh?
Three-year-old boy: Yes, we were flying in a plane and suddenly another plane came from behind and crashed into us. I ran away, but she got hurt. And died.
Mom: What? Huh?
Three-year-old boy: I'll tell you more later... These trains have ears.
--6 train
Overheard by: impressed with todays youth
... Without the Ball-Gag.
Middle-aged man: I like these hats they're selling. Oh, look at the one on her head! That looks warm.
Forlorn wife: That's her real hair. She has dreadlocks.
Middle-aged man: Oh, my! You can't take me anywhere.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dizzle
He Knows
Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he's cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You're kidding, right? You're so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we're fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn't work.
--W train
Overheard by: green with envy
Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!
Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!
--Cypress Hills, Brooklyn
Overheard by: punkee
Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?
--Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick
Student: Baby, baby, baby -- I swear to God, yo -- swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.
--Outside Midtown High
Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.
--Tavern on the Green
Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners
Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple... Then I got these sneakers!
--6th Ave & Central Park South
Boy: ... And then he said I was wearin' my mama's sneakers, and I said, 'That's a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.'
--Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Yuppie to another: They're not only taking his money, they're going after his wife's shoes!
--Equinox, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: wolf
Plump European woman: I still think of her... She doesn't believe in shoes.
--Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Dasha
Girl: If I don't get the Tory Burch flats, I'm going to cut someone.
--"7th on Sale" Sample Sale
Pepé Le Pew's Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good -- like Campbell's soup!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.
--39th & 5th
Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!
--N train
Overheard by: Lauren
Chick to friend: Shut up, or I'll sniff you in a minute!
--Central Park
JAP: Ew, like -- I like, washed my hair, like, this morning... Why does it, like, smell? Ewww... That's sooo bimmey!
--1 train
Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!
--L train, Bedford stop
Give Me Fifty CCs of Wednesday One-Liners, Stat!
Drunk girl: As it turns out, while I was away on vacation my husband had a vasectomy without me knowing about it...
--12th & 5th, Park Slope
Dressy guy: Instead of having my colonoscopy today, I think I'll go to Valentine's with you.
--3rd & LaGuardia
Woman on cell: So yeah, the surgery went great, and they saved my ovary. Yay! What? Of course I'm still on the pill! Do you think I actually want to use it?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: E
Guy on cell: Yeah, she said it was a cyst and that I probably shouldn't have tried to perform surgery on myself.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU queer: So, are you getting some kind of penis enlargement today, or what?
--Waverly & University
The Scandalous Scanties of Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde on cell: I'm totally excited about getting out of the city and camping for the weekend... Yeah... Yeah... No, I packed like six pairs of underwear -- there's no way I'm going to run out like last time.
--F train
Overheard by: only in NYC
JAP: Yeah, I lost my underwear there last night.
--50th & 6th
80-year-old man on cell: I'm over in the lingerie department. I'm touching all the panties.
--Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Drunk chick: She doesn't even wear a thong! It's like she's a dude or some shit.
--W 10th & Hudson
Middle-aged man: So tell me, how do I unhook a bra?
--Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Walking the bridge
These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds
Southern tourist: ... And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there's a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!
--78th & Broadway
Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb... And he nuked Japan with it.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chelsea
Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like
Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let's get a little sex appeal in here... Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?
--Stuyvesant High
Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!
--G train
Overheard by: sarah
Professor: ... And in next week's class -- how to build a nuclear bomb!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners' Anatomy
Fat Latina: I remember just squatting over her and stuffing it in her face.
--36th & Park
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Guy: It's not the eyes in the back of the head, it the lack of a nose in the back of the head that's the problem.
--N train
Overheard by: sara n.
Chick: My ovaries popped, and he's giving me shit for it.
--Queens Blvd & Continental Ave
Overheard by: Jacquie
Guy on cell: They need new feet... I don't know, to walk on!
--7th & 4th, Brooklyn
Chick: A uterus seems like a fun place to be!
--57th & 2nd
Overheard by: Sally S.
Man on cell: Baby, you are the only one who has seen my body! You are the only one who has seen my body!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: bildita
Chipper, early-20s redhead to blonde: Open your ears, woman! Do I have to use my tail?!
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map
Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!
--1 train
Aging khaki preppy: That's Strawberry Fields? It looks so... East side.
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: turd on the run
Lady tourist: A gay bar -- I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?
--Metro-North Riverdale station
History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.
--12th & 1st
Lady: It's sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it's like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree...
--McCarren Park
Queer: This is Chelsea. There's cum on the floor everywhere!
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Prem
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist: I don't like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray... And they don't have crevices digging into your ass and shit.
--1 train
Tourist girl: Let's go to the Upper Wet Side.
--Palace Theatre, Broadway
Tourist: You haven't been raped and stabbed 'til you've been raped and stabbed in New York.
--Central Park
Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don't want to see a huge ball of twine, y'know? It's, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]
--Manhattan-bound L train
Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place -- we gotta get to Penn Central.
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Will Fuck You Up, Son
Thug: I'm a super duper human being! I'm a super duper human being! I'm a super duper human being!
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: sunburned like a bitch
Teen Latino thug to friend: Yo, there be some mad hot wizards up in this bitch! Or should I say, 'wizard-ettes.'
--Harry Potter screening, Loews, 34th St
Thug: ... And he was there, with his cane and beard, lookin' all Gandalf and shit.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Catherine
Teen thug: She is extra violent! She got UV rays!
--W 4th St platform
Overheard by: Emily B.
Thugette leaning against mail truck: Yeah, I's the post bitch.
--Church St
Wednesday One-Liners Sink Their Teeth In
Secretary in stall, to another: I told her that in this position she has to wear her teeth in. You can't go around here with no teeth in your mouth.
--Office restroom, Midtown
Overheard by: Anonymous Law Firm Employee
Woman on cell: What? Turn your hearing aid up! Put your teeth in! I can't understand you!
--Prince & Broadway
Guy to girlfriend: Hey, babe, I gotta run to the interview. Can you check my teeth for hairs?
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Guy
Saucy Latina: She has the hair of every dental hygienist I've ever known.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl on cell: What?! You haven't showered in a day? At what time? Pedro Miguel*, that is nasty! Your balls must be sweaty and stinky. Smell your underwear... Have you even wiped them with a baby wipe, at least? Have you at least brushed your teeth? You've brushed your teeth, but not showered? How is that not nasty?!
--Bx12 bus
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Hobo: Does anyone have an extra toothbrush or two dozen eggs to spare?
--Outside Gristede's, UES
Overheard by: no eggs to spare
Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights
Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah.
--Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Emily B.
Earnest white girl: So, I've been thinking about it, and here's what I'm picturing -- dat ho is lyin' flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he's in flyin' position... And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person... I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely.
--H&M, Soho
Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman!
--Greene St, Soho
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Costumed guy: Two things you never do -- you never pull Superman's cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right?
--13th & University
Overheard by: theresa
He Should Have Worn His Sombrero
Man to waiter making tea: Hey, you know how many Mexicans it takes to make iced tea? None! Because you're not Mexican! Ha!
Waiter: Why would you say that? I am Mexican.
--Mike's Café, Brooklyn
I Can Still Make a Woman Come from Across the Room, Though
Hipster guy: Yeah, it was like when I used to be a ninja, before I gave it up.
Hipster girl: Oh, I see.
--N 7th St, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mary C.
I Came So Close to Fucking a Teacher, Then Suddenly It All Went South
Woman: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a doctor, actually.
Woman: Really? Do they make more than teachers?
Man: Doesn't everyone?
--42nd St
The Ghetto Will Never Get Over Learning the Word "Disrespectful" in the Early '90s
Young ghetto girl: Mister, will you get that bag out of my face? That bag is in my face!
Asian man: It's not in your face! It's far away. Far away.
Young ghetto girl: Man, you disrespectful. That's so disrespectful. I'll slap the shit out of you.
--A train
Overheard by: jcm
Dog and Pony Shows, However, Can Be Incredibly Nuanced
Yuppie #1: Yeah, I've been to a few donkey shows... You know there are different types, right?
Yuppie #2, hesitantly: Um, yeah... I went to one once and pretty much got the point.
--Yankee Stadium
And the Trains Are Never Late, and You Get to Live with Your Mom for, Like, Ever
Hipster #1: It's just that after having Italian ice cream, I just don't get American ice cream.
Hipster #2: No, totally... And have you had their sodas? They're all good!
--L train, Bedford Ave
Overheard by: mbrowning
She Thinks We Were at War with China in the '60s
Nurse on phone with patient: You speak Korean? Is that like Mandarin Chinese or Cantonese? So it's called Korean? It's not Chinese?
--New York Presbyterian Hospital
Uncle Wiggly Found His Daughter's Attitude Hard to Understand
Dad riding bicycle with young daughter in child seat: ... And I used to think about my rabbit every day!
Daughter, incredulously: Are you insane?!
--5th & 6th, Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Doc
Also How He Identifies Walruses
Man #1, seeing large goose: Wow, what is that?
Man #2: That's a duck, dude.
--Hudson River Park, UWS
Overheard by: lola
Even If He Is the Jolly Green Giant
Chick #1: I can't believe he left me three cans of peas. Like that is going to fix anything.
Chick #2: Were they your favorite peas?
Chick #1: I mean, I like LeSeur Peas and all, but not enough to make me forget my husband was fucking another woman.
--Park Slope
Kept Asking How Much of a Monthly Payment I Wanted
Girl #1: ... And then he texted me, 'I hope all is well.'
Girl #2: Oh, well that was nice.
Girl #1: Nice? 'I hope all is well'?! Does he mean, 'I hope all is well now that I've scraped your vagina out'?!
Girl #2: Well, I mean, he is a used car salesman...
Girl #1: Oh my god. You're right. Oh my god, I got fingered by a used car salesman!
--12th & University Pl
Would You Like to Go Ahead of Me?
Guy #1: I can't believe I'm back here. It has been such a long time.
Guy #2: Why? You've been traveling?
Guy #1: Nope -- prison.
--Penn Station
Each One Is Unique
Woman #1: How does one spell 'Shaniqua'?
Woman #2: I'm not sure there's a standardized spelling...
--Midtown
Penis Envy
Teen girl #1: She was like a fucking sausage.
Teen girl #2: Yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.
Teen girl #2: What a bitch.
--Duane Reade, Bronx
In That Chickens Generally Eat Vegetables
Patron: Are any of these soups vegetarian?
Cook: Yeah, the chicken noodle is.
--Café, Times Square
Overheard by: britmazing
Just Don't Expect Mouth-to-Mouth
Hobo to girl in lifeguard shirt: You really a lifeguard? I'm drowning!
--7th & Ave A
It's the Wax-Like Quality of Both Originals That Makes Distinguishing Them So Difficult
Little girl looking at sculpture of Jessica Simpson: Look, Mommy -- Britney Spears!
--Madame Tussauds
Overheard by: Mimbo
Divided by a Common Language, Sort Of
Guy #1: God, this girl is a terrible text messenger. Look at this -- it doesn't make any sense!
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: You love texting, though, right?
Guy #2: Yeah, and it's only gonna get worse when I get my BlackBerry. I plan to cut off voice communication altogether.
--The Burger Joint
Overheard by: sarah
That's My Girl!
Father with screaming two-year-old on shoulders: What's wrong with Elena?
Mother: She's foaming at the mouth. She's rabid.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Sarah
Scene from the Latest Remake of The Parent Trap
Lady: Excuse me, but I have my daughter here!
Man: So do I!
Lady, backing out of train: Fine, whatever. Merry Christmas to you.
Man: Yeah, fuck you, too.
--68th & Lex station
And You Can Suck My Indicative
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It's 'were. I never were.' I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It's, 'I never was.' I went to school. You're speaking some sort of crazy... some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that's right.
--M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
She Should Be Making Baskets and Babies
Woman in traditional African attire, on phone: That girl don't do nothin' but make money!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: kate
Headline by: T Perk
Runners-Up:
· "AND Her Clitoris Is Still Attached, the Bitch!" - s h
· "Actually, It's Babies, but After They're Sold, Same Difference" - M
· "Oprah's International Press Agent" - PeterG
· "She Should Be Popping Out Her 10th Kid by Now!" - steph
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
... Can I Get Your Number?
Drunk girl: It's like we're the same person!
Suit: Except you're four inches shorter, thirty pounds heavier, and a dumbass!
--Times Square
Sometimes I Just Can't Tell Whether We're Talking about Particle Physics or Sex
Hipster girl: ... And then there was this other weirdo I dated who kept talking about how we're all just molecules. You know, little balls of energy?
Guy: Yeah... That's exactly where we came from -- balls of energy.
--116th & Broadway
Unless It's Superman Looking at My Brain Again
Young man: Man, is it hot out here today!
Older man: Yes, it is. I can't believe I can still feel the sun on my head in the shade.
--Wall St
The High-Fivin' Gay Guys Are Back in "Penetration Nation"!
Queer #1: You thought he wasn't going to fuck you, but he did!
Queer #2, squealing: Yay! [Shares high-fives with whole group.]
--34 Cooper Square
The I-Deliberately-Created-My-Diminished-Capacity Defense
Chick #1: You shouldn't have slept with him. You knew that would really hurt his girlfriend...
Chick #2: Yeah, I know, but we were both so high on coke that neither of us should be held responsible for our actions.
--Starbucks, 50th & 9th
Overheard by: sketchy
Just Look at Condoleeza Rice
Girl #1: Oh my god, John! You have to join our theater company that we're starting.
Girl #2: It's called 'Four Bitches and a Toke.'
Girl #3: You're the toke.
Queer: Wait, wait... I'm the toke? I'm a bigger bitch than all four of you.
Girl #4: But you don't have a vagina!
Queer: Ohhh, trust me -- you do not have to have a vagina to be a bitch.
--4th & Ave A
Overheard by: Todd B
So Joanie's a Dyke and Henry's 400 Pounds -- That Was Way Too Easy
Woman #1: Oh, my son, Henry, never wears jeans. He thinks they are too itchy.
Woman #2: Well, what does he wear, then?
Woman #1: We can only buy him soft pants.
Woman #2: Oh, well my daughter only wears one-piece bathing suits, but we bought her some bikinis today, and when we got home she said, 'I'd rather bite off all my toenails than wear those.'
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Chris Storey
Gotta Admit, Quiet Craziness Has Its Charm
Indian woman to stranger on bench: You know what people are doing here? They are coming to visit the trees. [Stranger turns away and ignores her. She continues] Shhh, listen...
--Dag Hammarskjold Plaza
How Carson Daly Got into the Music Business
Teen boy #1: Change your ringtone! Change it! [Slams table.]
Teen boy #2: Don't you like that song? I love it.
Teen boy #1, to others: His phone rings all day -- I'm sick of it. I have to have a new song. He gets that many calls, he should have one song for each girl so I'm entertained!
--Little Italy
A Gal's Gotta Know Her Weaknesses
Girl #1: It's good I don't go to a school with fraternities. I'd, like--
Girl #2: --Get drunk and raped?
Girl #1: Exactly!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: trying to eat dinner in peace
You Can't Make Rent, and These Are the Things You Worry About?
Stoner: I'm telling you, they need another statue!
Friend #1: Why?
Stoner: Because when the apocalypse comes and there's all the radiation, the Statue of Liberty is going to come to life!
Friend #2: So?
Stoner: Sooo, she's going to need someone to get it on with!
--Morton & Hudson, West Village
He Settled for Humping My Leg Like an Airedale
Chick #1: He says he can fall in love with anybody, but he just sleeps with everybody.
Chick #2: Yeah, totally.
Chick #1: Also, he tried to date rape me, which is totally unromantic.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Jeff
By "Kill" He Means "Unfriend Them on MySpace"
Dude: I'll kill you guys if you hack into my wedding website!
--535 8th Ave
Yasser Takes Way Too Long in Front of the Monets
Husband: We'll go to the museum around four.
Wife: I don't know...
Husband: Come on, Marge. You love everyone at the museum. Except Yasser Arafat.
--Hampton Inn
Overheard by: Leah
All We Are Is Dust in Dewann
Tall guy: Man, get away from me. You're cracked out.
Small guy: I ain't smokin' crack! I smoke dust, nigga!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mike
That Costs Extra
Girl: Yeah, the room in the apartment is only four hundred bucks a month.
Guy: No way! No place in the city is only four hundred a month. You probably have to shit in the bathtub.
--Bainbridge & Malcolm X, Brooklyn
What a Drip
Fat guy: So, you think she's going to dump you?
Skinny guy: Yeah, she doesn't seem to like the gonorrhea. It just keeps coming back!
Fat guy: Well, that's the thing with gonorrhea.
--Walgreens, 18th & 1st
Overheard by: Trying Not To Laugh
Thanks. My Feet Feel Better Now.
20-ish female tourist: My feet are killing me. I shouldn't have worn heels.
20-ish boyfriend: Heels aren't that bad. I wore them and a dress for a play in eighth grade.
20-ish female tourist: My dad loves dressing up as a woman.
--C train, Port Authority
... With a Demonstration
Editor to sales conference: ... And we think this book will do rather well.
Sales rep: One thing -- what's a succubus?
Editor: A succubus is a sex demon. I'm sorry. I should have made that clear.
--Office, 55th & Broadway