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December 2007 Archives
Religion Being Indistinguishable from Marketing
Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I'm still not sure. I'd like something that pays millions but doesn't require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you're giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy's book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Lolita
Agree to Anal and He'll Put You in His Will
Girl #1: I don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep with him unless we're in a relationship, but I'm afraid to give him an ultimatum.
Girl #2, after a pause: Well, he wants to sleep with you, so I'm sure he'll say yes!
--A train
Eh, I'd Say Their Average Grade's an Oral-B
Early-20's girl #1: Well, how's the sex?
Early-20's girl #2: [Mumbling.]
Early-20's girl #1: Hmmm, but oral sex? Is he good at that? I hear guys are very bad at giving oral sex.
--Häagen-Dazs, Park Slope
She Has Slut-dar
Middle-aged man with suitcases: So, where's the airport, honey?
Russian chick: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Middle-aged wife: What? Newark Airport?
Russian chick: This isn't the airport, slut!
--Port Authority
He Felt Guilty about Attaining Enlightenment
JAP #1: Is he a Juddhist?
JAP #2: A what?
JAP #1: You know, a Jew Buddhist.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah, totally.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ein Berliner
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Beer Companies and Star Wars Nerds Have Little to Fear
Girl: You're on crack. Nobody's just going to start calling the Empire State Building 'ESB.'
Guy: If I do it often enough, it might start a trend.
--Empire State Building
He Also Plans to Reach the East by Sailing West
Tourist man to wife, walking to back of train as it pulls forward: C'mon, I want a seat in the front.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Casey
What He Gets for Being Fresh
Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don't touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it's fresh?
Bread vendor: I'll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You're. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That's what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]
--Soho
Overheard by: Bulent Akman
That's Code for, "I'm Lost, Too"
Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where--
Biotech, interrupting: --Look, I don't have time to make up fake directions.
--W Broadway
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· "And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I'll Never Get Back" - Markle
· "And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won't Give You Real Ones" - Yana
· "Mapquest's Employee Of the Month" - Claire
· "Or The Knowledge for Real Ones" - DIck
· "So Take a Left Over There" - emily bess
· "Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You're from Out Of Town." - jnr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Have to Quit Drinking, Mary, You're Pregnant!
Drunk girl: What, you think you have a 25-inch dick? I'm not afraid of a 25-inch dick! I haven't seen your magnum dick! Show me your magnum dick! Take a magnum condom and put it on a corn cob! I didn't see your magnum dick! [Gets on train.] Diiick! Maybe there are some babies on the train, so I'll be quiet. They don't know what a big dick is. [Points at female riders] But they know what a big dick is! They know why they didn't get on the train! I'm not afraid of a big dick! I didn't see his big dick! [To male rider] You're not afraid of a big dick, are you? If I had a big dick, I would push it up on someone. I wouldn't care if they didn't want it. [More people get on.] You're not afraid of a big dick, Sparkly Jacket Man! Sparkly Jacket! You like a big dick, Hot Blue-Jacket Girl? It's the holidays! We should have cheer! Let's pray! Pray to Christ! Dear Christ and your big dick, you thrust forth and created this great nation with your sperm, Christ. Pray with me to Christ and his big dick!
Women having own convo: Yeah, so Jerry Seinfeld is coming, and my boss wanted me to get tickets.
Drunk girl: Ohhh, Seinfeld is coming! You guys like a big dick? Christmas spirit! I love all y'all. I want to give every one of you a kiss on the cheek! And a glass of champagne! Christmas spirit! With your big dick!
--L train
Overheard by: Anna
Not on a Full Stomach
Law gal #1: This is more pointless than giving a butt-ugly girl a nice haircut.
Law gal #2: Hey, a nice haircut helps.
Law gal #1: Have you looked at me lately?
--NYU Law Courtyard
Unrelated to Our Discussion of Chekhov, but Important to Know Nonetheless
Russian teacher: What sound do your chickens make?
Student: Cluck, cluck...
Russian teacher: But what about an excited chicken?
Student: What?
Russian teacher: Kudaaack-tachhh-tachhh! This is the sound of an excited chicken!
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: the blz
Angina, Mangina
Daughter: Yeah, and it turns out she has an extra valve in her heart!
Dad: Whoa, what does that do?
Daughter: It messes with her hormones... and stuff...
Dad: What, does she think she's a man?
--Times Square
Sorry, That's Illegal, but Might I Interest You in a Giant Cup of Caffeine?
Barista: Next customer, can I get you something started at the bar?
French woman: Double scotch, please.
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: Collin
Jeff Housebroken? Never Happen.
Woman #1: I told Jeff the best way he could propose to me would be to tie the ring around the neck of a cute puppy...
Woman #2: Housebroken.
Woman #1: Right.
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: Don
Now Tell Me, How Were Your Areola Expectations Not Met?
Drunk girl: I don't know. I think I need new nipples.
Bartender: Well, maybe you should show me. I'm a nipple connoisseur.
--Caroline's, Broadway
Overheard by: not kidding
College - High School = One Minute
Guy #1: Hey, where you going?
Guy #2: It's about 3:15 -- I gotta go to class.
Guy #1: This is college, not high school. You don't have to be on time to class.
Guy #3: So, what are we gonna do?
Guy #1: It's 3:16! I'm late for class!
--CUNY City Tech
Overheard by: Benny
So, Um, Whatever Happened to Matt Lauer?
Girl #1: Who is he, again?
Girl #2, screaming: John Norris! He's old, gap in his teeth, MTV News guy... [Turns and sees he's been standing right next to her.] Oh! Well, hello there!
--New York Sports Club
Overheard by: anonny
I Wonder How the Kid Is with Biology, and the French He Took?
Boy looking at action figures in window: Which of these do you like best?
Girl: I'm not sure... Definitely not George Bush.
Boy, pointing to Albert Einstein: I don't like him. He invented the atomic bomb and killed loads of people.
--Times Square
We Don't Hold with Furrin Music
German vendor: Hello.
Midwestern kid: Look, chocolate.
German vendor: Do you know Mozart chocolate?
Midwestern kid: No.
German vendor: But do you know Mozart?
Midwestern mom: No.
--Christmas market, Columbus Circle
Give Up a Whole Minute I Could Spend Feeling Sorry for Myself?
Young guy: Excuse me! Do you have a minute to spare for gay rights? Sixty seconds!
Old man, walking by: I can't even get laid, and they want to worry me about gay rights!
--65th & Columbus
And Our Immortal Souls, As Well?
Professor: What have I told you about fairness?
Student: That we should forget about it.
Professor: Yes!
--NYU Law School
What Happens When You Walk Too Close to NYU
Guy #1: You're killing me vicariously.
Guy #2: Did you just say 'bi-curiously'?
Guy #1: Wow.
--14th & Broadway
Actually, the Most Ironic Thing Would Be for Him to Have Died in Bed of Old Age
Dude: Death by a stingray? Fitting if he died from a crocodile, but it would be ironic if he died from being killed by a serial killer dressed in a crocodile costume.
Chick: Haha... Yeah...
--W 4th Bun Shop
Overheard by: Lux
How the Annoying Recognize Each Other During Mating Season
Nasal woman on cell: Heyyy, what you doooin'?
Stoner guy passerby, imitating her voice: Smokin' weeeed.
--74th & CPW
Moldova? EU!
Geek #1: I can't believe Romania just got accepted into the European Union!
Geek #2: What do you know? Next thing they'll even take Moldova.
--50th & Broadway
It's Hiding in Midtown
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to downtown?
Local: Downtown where?
Tourist: Times Square.
--N/Q uptown platform, Canal St
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
It's a damn good thing you put out!
Chick: I don't know -- all the worry about oil prices and gas... [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don't put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You're a dumbass.
--W 52nd St
Overheard by: Eric Shellhamer
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
Like, Those Oreo Cookie Things?
Old European guy, exasperated: Was Moses a hydrologist?
--Central Park
Their Names Are "Delirium" and "Tremens"
Girl: What's the deal with New York's bagels, anyway? I mean, they're delicious! What do you think New Yorkers do differently to their bagels that makes them so... Oh, look at you! You're too drunk to keep up with me because I'm speaking so rapidly.
Drunk guy: I'm listening to your rabbits!
--NYU
Overheard by: Evan Regas
I'd Ask You Out If Either of Us Had the Energy to Follow Through with It
Hipster boy: He's such a fucking loser -- he just has to admit it. I mean, I'm a loser, and I'm fine with it.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, it sucks to be a loser and not be cool with him.
Hipster girl #2: I never leave the house anymore.
Hipster boy: Me neither. Last week I bought an antennae for my TV, and sweatpants and weed. I only left the house today because I ran out of milk.
Hipster girl #1: Awesome.
--A train
Why Shirley Temple Movies Are Not Intended for Minors
Black mom: You chokin'?
Son: [Choking.]
Black mom: Hmmm?
Son: [Choking, grasping at throat.]
Black mom, hitting him hard on the back, causing him to cough something up: There. Now quit jumpin' and movin' when you eatin' a lollipop.
--13th & University
Overheard by: Mathew
Pardon Me, Ma'am, I Have Mariconcitos to Inspect
Hispanic cleaning lady: No, nuh-uh -- I am not going in there anymore. Those little mariconcitos always runnin' around naked. [Hispanic kid laughs.] See?! He knows what I'm talkin' about!
--Gym lockers, Hunter College
Overheard by: Kevo changes in these lockers
But No One Will Know It
Student: What's your name?
Professor: Doesn't matter. Someday we will all be famous and anonymous.
--NYU
Overheard by: teaching the future of america
And He Was a Big Hit
Guy picks himself and his bike up off the street while other people approach...
Latino kid: Damn, son! Did you see that?! Motherfucker just got hit!
White guy: Hit him, too, or just the bike?
Latino kid: Man, that car hit the shit outta that guy! [Answers cell phone] Yo, get down here, son. Some dude just got hit!
--17th & Prospect, Park Slope
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
She Should Keep Talking to Him
Headache medicine flyer girl: Sir, do you have a headache?
Suit: Not yet.
--Hoboken PATH station
Overheard by: Bo
Unfortunately, They're Also Too Stoned to Know It
Dude #1: Oh my god, what is that smell?
Dude #2: That's the smell of wisdom weed. It's why Rastafarians are so smart.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Sacagawea
The Most Enthusiastic Scrabble Player in the City
Queer suit #1: Wow. That was good.
Queer suit #2: Yeah. You were screaming so loud I had to put the pillow over your face.
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Dan
Must Be Great Having a Celebrity for a Father
Angry kid: Man, I'm tired of seeing that naked white fag with the guitar all the time.
Friend: Your dad?
Angry kid: No, you dumb fuck! That freak over there -- he's in postcards and shit. He's like a celebrity, kinda.
Friend: I think that's your dad...
Angry kid: Fuck you, ho.
--TKTS station, Times Square
That's Really More of a Kingdom Than a Species
Ex-Long-Islander #1: ... But then he'd have to marry a-- What's the female equivalent of 'guido'?
Ex-Long-Islander #2: I don't know... 'Bitch'?
--LIRR
Overheard by: sarah
She's Learned to Make the Green Ears Part of Her Style
Lady #1: Twelve dollars!
Lady #2: How much?
Lady #1: Twelve dollars! I never spend more than two dollars on earrings.
--22nd & 6th
Overheard by: Michael
So They Broke into a Chorus of "Food, Glorious Food" and Split a Tic Tac
Skinny girl: I'm hungry.
Friend: Same here. I want dinner. I want a salad.
Skinny girl: You want, like, a whole meal.
--N train, Times Square
What're They Prescribing for Uteral Bipolarity These Days?
Lady #1: That new arm implant birth control is so weird.
Lady #2: What's so weird about it?
Lady #1: I don't know -- it just sits there inside you and doesn't go away.
Lady #2: How is that any different from that IUD thing that sits in your uterus?
Lady #1: It is different! Things to up and down in your uterus.
--39th & 6th
Thanks for the Gift, Bitch
Teen girl #1: So, my friend's dad died. I feel like I should send her something -- y'know, just to make her feel better. Only I don't know her so well, so I'm not sure what to get her. Chocolate, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dunno. Chocolate doesn't sound like such a good idea. When people are depressed they buy chocolate and eat way too much of it and get really fat.
Teen girl #1: Ummm, I don't think that's really true.
Teen girl #2: ... I can attest to it.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: sugarnspice
We Prefer to Be Called "Porcine-Americans"
Queer #1: He's hot. Wait, he's hot, too. Fuck! Why is everyone I like so young?
Queer #2: 'Cause you're a pig?
--Jane St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Paddy
For a Pratt Brat, This Counts as Wit
Pratt girl: I didn't know you could think with your name being ethnic and all.
Ethnic chick: Whaaa?
Future Picasso: Her name's Jewish.
--Classon & Willoughby Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Glad I Didn't Go To Art School
Well, Whatever. Here, Have a Vegan Cigarette
Guy #1: You have to eat meat. People who don't eat meat are pussies.
Guy #2: I don't eat meat for two reasons: A)