Archive for January, 2008

Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein

Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!

–Fordham University

Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.

–JFK

Overheard by: spanky

Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!

–Highline Ballroom

Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’

–W Broadway

Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: SplendidConfusion

Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!

–Harlem Meer, Central Park

Overheard by: mj

People Move to New York to Escape Their Wednesday One-Liners

Man introducing lady friend to pal: This is Lucille, my ex-wife… She’s my second cousin… She was also my second wife.

–136th St, Harlem

Middle-aged woman: I have such a bad memory! I know, I know. I know. There are times I go to my daughter, ‘How do I spell my name?’

–D train

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Loud woman on cell: She’s evil! Don’t you know she killed mama? That’s the family secret!

–Q83 bus

Overheard by: It’s Jady, BiTChesss!!

Guy talking on cell: I completely understand that she was pissed off, but I mean, come on! She did hit her sister in the head with an iron!

–11th Ave

Lady: So, I bought my niece a gift. I don’t know why… She’s such an ungrateful little bitch.

–Grand Central

Man on cell: … So she said, ‘There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just gonna say it… You have a four-year-old son.’

–26th & Park

Overheard by: Nick

Wanna Buy a Bridge, Wednesday One-Liners?

10-year-old tourist kid: Mom, is Brooklyn famous for its graffiti?

–Coney Island-bound D train

Overheard by: BB

White guy, pointing: Over there in Brooklyn three-year-olds just, like, walk around!

–Delancey & Essex

Overheard by: Red Hair

Guy walking through bar: What’s with Brooklyn and beards?

–Union Hall, Park Slope

Overheard by: jasonjason

Guy: Brooklyn is the middle borough in terms of goodness.

–Kosher Delight

Thugette to double decker tour bus: Brooklyn! Brooklyn! You’re taking a tour of Brooklyn! I just got out of jail!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Staying on the bus….

Wednesday One-Liners Are Here to Fix the Cable

Guy: So, I saw this video online of a chick who tied her beef curtains in a knot…

–Astor Pl

Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dissertation and just write erotica?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick: My favorite porn line, and possibly my favorite movie line ever, is, ‘Suck it, my queen. Suck it.’

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Intern to another: They do too make gay pornography!

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Nicolas Agrait

Cube neighbor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out — get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has closets and closets full of it!

–Midtown

20-something woman on cell: I may be too analytical for erotica.

–Outside Century 21

Overheard by: McFreaky

Wednesday One-Liners Read Overheard in the Office

Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.

–R train, Lexington Ave stop

Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn’t let me do this at my old job?!

–Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th

Overheard by: Lezbotron

IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!

–Office, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: beans

I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don’t get bonuses.

–Metro-North

Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it’s all your fault!

–Times Square

30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.

–New Year’s Eve concert

Overheard by: Smash

Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack… and other stuff… on the back of the train.

–Church Ave

Overheard by: Katie & Jaime

Teen girl, to older woman: You ‘posed to eat. Ain’t ‘posed to smoke no rock!

–Classon & DeKalb

Queer in RA’s office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins — we were in Amsterdam — and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that’s when they started kicking in…

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story

Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.

–10th St & Stuyvesant

Guy on cell: I’m at Stuy High… Whaddya mean ya don’t know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed’s at!

–Near Stuyvesant High

Man to concerned woman: Don’t think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: amused priest

Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Learn On

Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I’ll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]

–F train

Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A’s.

–Diner, Chelsea

Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.

–19th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher…

–Dishes Restaurant, 45th St

Overheard by: Literate

Teen: No lie, my nigga — I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!

–Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk

Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann’s… Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes… Please…

–Chinatown