Archive for April, 2008

Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Wednesday One-Liners?

Little boy: But I was really excited for her to get a hernia!

–35th & 6th

Overheard by: alix

Eleven-year-old boy, to classmate that he just hit with a ball representing "responsibility": Oooooooo!!! You just got pounded in the face with responsibility!!!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Their Proud Counselor

Ten-year-old girl, about figures: Why do they all have to be boys?

–Bodies: The Exhibition, South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Robert

Young child crossing the street while holding his mothers hand: [Singing] Please… Don’t… Enter me.

–70th St & Columbus

Little boy: It’s not illegal to jiggle.

–6th & 17th

Preschooler to daddy: Can I get that three hundred dollars now?

–UES

Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle

African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I’m not a machine! I’m not a machine! I’m not a wheel!

–W 23rd St

Overheard by: I’m a train!

Loud chick on cell: So I told him he’s gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn’t do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me…

–37th & Broadway

Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that’s a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa’s got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend’s pop. So now I’m getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -’cause that’s the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?

–85th & Columbus Ave

Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don’t just sit there, go go go!

–99th & 5th, NYC Marathon

Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!

–76th & York

Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!

–68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie control our lives!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Poogins

Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is "Desperate Housewives" on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t believe you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, seriously bro… Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: "I wanna forget you!" I was like: "Whaaaaaat? For real?" It was crazy, you gotta catch it!

–Times Square Office Building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Redhead: The "Brady Bunch" world is a world without urges.

–Veniero’s, 11th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangsta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I’m like: "I watch ‘Law and Order: SVU’, I’m not getting in your van."

–15th between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Disunionsquare

Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl's camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.]

–Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square

Omagah, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed.

–W 52nd & 9th

Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about

Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first.

–Wagner College Dinning Hall

Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit.

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: bitterfame

Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol?

–23rd & 7th

Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.]

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Lillian

Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo!

–Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Carry a Tune in a Bucket

Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces…

–72nd St & Columbus

Overheard by: Asset

Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome…

–Union Square Platform

Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel

Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee..!

–6th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Jatmos

Blind panhandler, singing: Can’t take my eyes off of you…

–R Train

Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin’ pen, so I can write a sign…

–St Mark’s Place

Greyhound bus driver: We’re pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right, it’s better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.

–Geyhound, Port Authority

Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna

Wednesday One-Liners Strike Hard and Fade Away Without a Trace

Undergrad: Ninjas, see. You can’t creep up on them. You can’t creep up on them because actually they’re creeping up on you. And the person you’re creeping up on is actually a mendicant.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: pumpkin

Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Staten Island. It’s like the ninja island.

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Young lady suit on cell: Want to know what I learned today? Okay, you know how I really hate those rolling briefcases because they fucking ninja you while you’re walking? Well, today I learned that it’s really hard to be angry about a rolling briefcase when it’s being pulled by a genuine midget. It’s like watching a pony pull a cart. It’s adorable!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: she wasn’t too tall herself…

Geeky girl: They should really make a video game about a ninja doing the dishes. That shit would be dope.

–Flatiron District

Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?

Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!

–University & 10th St

Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ

Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.

–Columbus Circle

Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!

–Metro North Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.

–Canal Street

Overheard by: F Tourists

[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop
: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.


–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Aimee

Send in the Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn’t no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!

–P.S. 218, The Bronx

Overheard by: Children are the future

Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.

–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope

Overheard by: send in the clowns

Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!

–Brooklyn

Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!

–Barnum & Bailey Circus

Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a playboy bunny!

–E4th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: I might consider paying up

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In

Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin’ Chinese food on new year’s eve!

–Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year’s date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.

Disgusted McDonald’s patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo’s taint!

–14 & Broadway

Overheard by: Shemp

Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.

–4 Train

Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Queer: I can’t wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it’ll go away after a week," but I told them it’s just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men’s room, and it’s got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] … Oh, it’s prolly me. [Keeps walking.]

–Library, Washington Irving High School