Archive for May, 2008

Wednesday One-Liners for Uncle Walter

High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile. –Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn 13-year-old: I mean, he’s not a pedophile, he’s just very open with his sexuality, and I like that. –8th & Broadway Overheard by: Kelly Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it’s fine. Fifteen is legal there. –36th St & Fifth Ave Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that’s a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman’s body. –Prem-On Thai Overheard by: office peon Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth… Except for that kindergarten I’m not allowed to go back to anymore. –McSorley’s, 7th & 3rd Overheard by: I’ll drink to that! Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! –Coney Island Boardwalk Overheard by: that’swhathesaid

Not That There’s Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners

Dude on cell: I’m okay with it. As long as nobody slaps me or calls me gay or spits on me. Those are my three things. As long as nobody does those three things. –21st St & 8th Ave Asian girl: You gave me the gay! –C Train Overheard by: Jordan Female cop to male cop: You a queer? For real, you queer? You a queer? You a queer? Oh, I didn’t know that. Okay. [Nods.] –C Train Barnard girl to friends: I don’t think he’s gay, I just think he has problems having sex with women. –Columbia University Steps Overheard by: John Jay Man to friend: See, I told you this was a gay neighborhood, look at all the women! –Montague Street, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: glekapolis Loudly homophobic guy: Gay! Gay! My ass hurts from watching that preview! –AMC Theater, Times Square Overheard by: Lo

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Young to Drive

Seven-year-old boy to friend: What are you, drunk or something? –Union Square Ten-year-old boy to mom: Let’s get drunk! [Starts dancing.] –W 45th St & 8th Ave Overheard by: Jon A. Dad to three-year-old: Well, I don’t know, will you buy me a beer? –79th & Amsterdam Overheard by: s h [Tiny boy is making weird faces at the window.]
Sister: Mommy, I think he’s drunk. –6 Train Overheard by: Becca Trashy Boston girl: I love little children. They are like little drunk real people. Except that one, because she’s foreign. –Madison Square Garden

Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Person in the back of the train, step out into the train. Step into the train! Excuse me, in the back with the grey shirt, step into the train. Yes you! I’m looking right at you! Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being held in the station because someone in the back of the train wearing a grey shirt is blocking the doors. –B Train Conductor [as passengers keep blocking the subway doors from closing]: You’re invited! –1 Train Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. [Alert signal, doors re-open.] Goddamit! There’s always someone… Isn’t there? –R Train Conductor, in completely empty train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you get to the train and it is full, don’t try to force your way in. Don’t block the way of the door closing either. I don’t want any body parts obstructing them. Also, if you get to the train as the doors are closing, don’t try to pry them back open. Don’t try sticking your arms in between them either. Very bad idea. Just stand on the platform, wave, and say: "Bye bye, train". –A Train Snarky train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It’s very simple: We open the doors, you get on, we close the doors. If you are going to walk past two or three doors trying to find a car or space that you like, don’t be surprised if the doors close on you before you can get on. We are not mind-readers. –B Train Conductor, to guy holding train doors for his girlfriend: Sir, please let the doors close, we can’t wait for your girlfriend. [Some time passes.] Sir, you are young and not unattractive, I am sure you can find someone else to sleep with you on the train. –L Train

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny… –Broadway Caribou Coffee Overheard by: jenny Lui Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it." –46th, b/w 8th & 9th Overheard by: christine 30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird. –7th Ave Overheard by: James from Jersey Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat! –21st & 6th 20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman. –17th St & 5th Ave Overheard by: Tater Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles! –Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners –Unclean! Unclean!

Eight-year-old boy to another: You usta play dirty house with her! –E 9th St & Ave A Overheard by: Fred Daubert Visibly annoyed ghetto-fab young lady, while loudly cracking her gum: They too many nationalities on this bus and most of them don’t be clean. –57th St Bus Overheard by: tinyfoo Chick, looking at rat sipping from puddle: Eeeww, how can he drink that? It’s so dirty! –6 Platform, Grand Central Guy on escalator, to friend: … Dirty sandwich… –E Train Overheard by: M_C Male student: Either you’re a dirty, stinking hippie, or you’re pretentious. –Bard High School Early College Library Thuggish hobo: Please! Somebody talk dirty to me! –Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners Play Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites

Woman with thick Jersey accent, very seriously: I really need to get an accent. Accents are very important to people here. –1 Train Overheard by: McFreaky Drunk man screaming into cell: Stop fucking yelling! –30th & 8th Guy on phone: It just really bugs me that she’s always talking to other people about our relationship… –Bedford & 4th, Williamsburg Overheard by: andebobandy Aussie bartender with heavy accent: He was complaining that the burger wasn’t flat because it’s hand-rolled and not frozen. [pause] Fucking foreigners. –O’Keefe’s, Court Street, Brooklyn Overheard by: NJH Guy in wheelchair (peeing in a Snapple bottle) to friend: People are nasty. –W 38th St & 8th Ave Overheard by: Bebe

Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade." –NJ Transit Overheard by: Dashing Dan Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing. –21st St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Lezbotron Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer. –10th & 1st Overheard by: ED Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head. –Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies. –50th St & 9th Ave Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now. –F Train Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.