Archive for May, 2008

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Young to Drive

Seven-year-old boy to friend: What are you, drunk or something?

–Union Square

Ten-year-old boy to mom: Let’s get drunk! [Starts dancing.]

–W 45th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Jon A.

Dad to three-year-old: Well, I don’t know, will you buy me a beer?

–79th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: s h

[Tiny boy is making weird faces at the window.]
: Mommy, I think he’s drunk.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Becca

Trashy Boston girl: I love little children. They are like little drunk real people. Except that one, because she’s foreign.

–Madison Square Garden

Wednesday One-Liners from H-E Double Hockey Sticks

Guy looking at books, to no one in particular: I don’t want to hear or see anything about the devil, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: 153

Guy hawking pamphlets: How to sucker punch the devil right in the ass!

–W 12th & Brodway

Overheard by: Why didn’t I get that pamphlet?!

Coworker about colleague: Every time he comes by here the number 666 comes up.

–1250 Broadway

Punk kid, walking past a group of nuns: Hail Satan!

–Waverly & Greene

Professor: I don’t want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I’ll meet interesting people there!

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: Hopefully not me!

Crazy older lady screaming on cell: You what? You are buying soda? You are going to go to fucking hell! Don’t you remember the promise you made to god? You’re probably standing in line with some goddamn candy too. You are going to hell!

–W Train

Overheard by: DR G LUV

Sliding Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Person in the back of the train, step out into the train. Step into the train! Excuse me, in the back with the grey shirt, step into the train. Yes you! I’m looking right at you! Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being held in the station because someone in the back of the train wearing a grey shirt is blocking the doors.

–B Train

Conductor [as passengers keep blocking the subway doors from closing]: You’re invited!

–1 Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. [Alert signal, doors re-open.] Goddamit! There’s always someone… Isn’t there?

–R Train

Conductor, in completely empty train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you get to the train and it is full, don’t try to force your way in. Don’t block the way of the door closing either. I don’t want any body parts obstructing them. Also, if you get to the train as the doors are closing, don’t try to pry them back open. Don’t try sticking your arms in between them either. Very bad idea. Just stand on the platform, wave, and say: "Bye bye, train".

–A Train

Snarky train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It’s very simple: We open the doors, you get on, we close the doors. If you are going to walk past two or three doors trying to find a car or space that you like, don’t be surprised if the doors close on you before you can get on. We are not mind-readers.

–B Train

Conductor, to guy holding train doors for his girlfriend: Sir, please let the doors close, we can’t wait for your girlfriend. [Some time passes.] Sir, you are young and not unattractive, I am sure you can find someone else to sleep with you on the train.

–L Train

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny…

–Broadway Caribou Coffee

Overheard by: jenny Lui

Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it."

–46th, b/w 8th & 9th

Overheard by: christine

30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird.

–7th Ave

Overheard by: James from Jersey

Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!

–21st & 6th

20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Tater

Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles!

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners –Unclean! Unclean!

Eight-year-old boy to another: You usta play dirty house with her!

–E 9th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Visibly annoyed ghetto-fab young lady, while loudly cracking her gum: They too many nationalities on this bus and most of them don’t be clean.

–57th St Bus

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Chick, looking at rat sipping from puddle: Eeeww, how can he drink that? It’s so dirty!

–6 Platform, Grand Central

Guy on escalator, to friend: … Dirty sandwich…

–E Train

Overheard by: M_C

Male student: Either you’re a dirty, stinking hippie, or you’re pretentious.

–Bard High School Early College Library

Thuggish hobo: Please! Somebody talk dirty to me!

–Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners Play Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites

Woman with thick Jersey accent, very seriously: I really need to get an accent. Accents are very important to people here.

–1 Train

Overheard by: McFreaky

Drunk man screaming into cell: Stop fucking yelling!

–30th & 8th

Guy on phone: It just really bugs me that she’s always talking to other people about our relationship…

–Bedford & 4th, Williamsburg

Overheard by: andebobandy

Aussie bartender with heavy accent: He was complaining that the burger wasn’t flat because it’s hand-rolled and not frozen. [pause] Fucking foreigners.

–O’Keefe’s, Court Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: NJH

Guy in wheelchair (peeing in a Snapple bottle) to friend: People are nasty.

–W 38th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Bebe

Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade."

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Dashing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ED

Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.

–F Train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Wednesday One-Liners Are for Keeping Airports in

Girl to friends, while walking past bar: Oh, this is the place I got drunk at, then woke up in Queens.

–40th & 7th

Overheard by: Jesse

Drunk Italian guy, entering uptown NRW station: Uptown and Queens? That’s where all the pussy is!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Zarek

Middle-aged black woman on phone: I can see all Queens from up in here, nigga. Aw, damn, I can see that Rhode Island shit now.

–Roosevelt Island Tram

Overheard by: Jack Fleming

20-Something hipster girl on cell: Why do you have to get off the phone? You’re eating? Again? You big fat ass… God, I hate Queens.

–Queens Bridge

Overheard by: SL

Conductor over loudspeaker: You are now on the N train running to Queens… Unlike yesterday when I was in Queens running the train on all of youse. Enjoy.

–N Train

Overheard by: Kevin

Voice from dressing room stall: I am at a Sears in Queens. S. O. S.

–Sears, Rego Park, Queens

Overheard by: Ladle

Cesar Millan: Jeez, I Don’t Know What to Do

Teen #1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: What the hell are you doing?
Teen #1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: Are you growling?
Teen #1, pointing at the postcards on the wall: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: [Retrieves a Lichtenstein print of a dog with the caption “Grr”.] Grrrrrrrr! It started it! Grrrrrr!
Teen #1: I can’t go anywhere with you, can I?
Teen #2, shaking head: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

–Gugenhiem Gift Shop

Overheard by: Hannah C.