Three-year-old: But mom…
Sunburnt mom: We'll put you in the toilet bowl and flush ya! We'll send you to china! Where all those people need a family now!
Three-year-old: Nooooo!
–Greenpoint
Archive for July, 2008
They Counted Last Year During That Scavenger Hunt
Drunk girl sitting on steps: The Hudson is better then the East River right?
Guy: What?
Drunk girl: Yeah, it definitely is… There's less dead bodies in it.
–Hudson River Boat Basin
Oh Wait–Pikachu, Right?
Boy on class trip #1: Look! The hall of Asian mammals!
Boy on class trip #2: Since when are there mammals in Asia?
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Amanda
Chicks with Wednesday One-Liners!
Chick on cell: In the past three weeks, I've been to more tranny-hosted parties than non-tranny hosted parties.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Mini-Asian teen: Well he's not a real man in the sense that he has a penis, or like, male reproductive organs.
–6 Train
Loud woman: I can't tell whether he's a lesbian or just gay.
–Bamboo 52
Overheard by: Aidan
Angry man: Suck my pussy dick!
–Canal St
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Black woman to group of friends, after watching an attractive black man walk by: Mmmmm, he so fine! I wanna stick my dick up that ass!
–Duane Reade
Bum on subway: (singing) when I go into space, I'ma take a stripper wit' me!
(woman puts a dollar bill in his cup)
Bum: I'ma take a trannie too, but the trannie cost extra!
(man puts a dollar in his cup)
Bum: La dee da!
–L Train from Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Fall Far from the Tree
Girl on cell passing by: That sounds great, honey, but there is no possible reason you'd need to shove an entire lime in the garbage disposal.
–Lafayette & Houston
(tourist lady eats banana)
Ferry bag lady: Why are you eating that banana? You know it's not healthy for you. They say you need potassium but you don't need no potassium. You don't want no banana, it's nasty and mushy. Throw it out. Throw out that banana. You don't want no nasty mushy banana.
(bug-eyed tourist lady continues to eat banana)
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Five-year-old girl, sitting in the grocery cart next to her twin sister, as their mother pushes them around the store: You're squishing me like a pineapple! You're squishing me like a pineapple, I said!
–9th St Market
Overheard by: Elle Woods (Chelsea Huckabay)
Old man with Boston accent to prepubescent boy: Squirt that in your nose and it's like you have a blueberry bush.
–42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Anniemal
20-year-old bakery chick: I was in Brooklyn yesterday on 18th Ave. There were three Mexicans on bikes. One was dressed like a banana. So then I walked up to him and I was like: "Dude, you're dressed like a banana and you're on a bike, that's awesome. Can I take a picture of you?"
–Bakery, Staten Island
Overheard by: Traci Cuccurullo
Loud girl: I never wash my fruit! I eat things that have fallen on the floor! And that's why I don't have allergies!
–375 Hudson St.
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait
Thuggette: She just went in there to scoop her vagina out and then she came back.
–Hudson River Park
Teenage girl on cell: Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax for the first time yesterday. And now I'm afraid of the power of my own vagina.
–1 Train
Overheard by: westchester girl
Adorable little girl: I was born in 2002, from my mom's vagina.
–New York Harbor
Overheard by: Barry P.
Man to woman: Ohhhh, is she the one with maggots in her vagina?
–51st & 9th
Overheard by: Highstein
Chick on cell: Tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it. Or even better, in her vagina. (sarcastically) Ooh, penetration!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Very large black man: My penis' jus' as impo-tant as her vagina.
Small meek white man: (nods in agreement or fear)
–A Train
Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!
–E Train
Overheard by: cran
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.
–LIRR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.
–V-train
Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.
–Metro North Train
Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!
–NJ Transit
Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?
–A Train
Overheard by: Schechter
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Be Buried in the Jewish Cemetery
Girl on cell (reading US Weekly): Hey, Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee were photographed together! That means there's still hope for me and that guy from the tattoo shop!
–Brookyln Diner, Times Square
Latina: What's with grandma keeping gettin' tattoos that show?
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Justin Case de Foodisbad
Chick to another: The only thing he better get tattooed on his butt is my name!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Angela
Guy to girlfriend: Does that guy over there have a picture of Kim Jong II tattooed on his shoulder? (pause) Or is that his kid? (pause) Cause that's fucked up!
–Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Not sure myself…
Girl: So I hooked up with this guy who had a prison tattoo of an eagle ripping up the communist manifesto. I was like: "God bless America," y'know?
–N train
Overheard by: amen
Wednesday One-Liners Use “Summer” As a Verb
Older woman to friend: Down there where the servants are, you know, where the gardening people and the kitchen is, I don't go there. I just don't go there.
–38th & 5th
Overheard by: garden in manhattan?
Greek Princess shopping for wedding rings: This isn't the more expensive ring I wanted but we just bought an apartment in the 70s.
–Tiffany's Second Floor
Overprivileged teenage girl on cell: The bourgeoisie… The bourgeoisie are like, the common people.
–Union Square
College girl: No, I mean seriously: who, by the age of 25, has not been to Rome or Florence?
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Dan
Six-year-old: Mommy, how do you spell "Forbes"?
–Restaurant, Upper East Side
Overheard by: jess
Wednesday One-Liners Take Occasional Breaks to Eat and Shower
Mini-skirt on cell: Just because I had sex with you doesn't mean I gave you my phone number!
–52nd & Lexington
Brunette with a booty on her cell: You're going to be a whore this summer. (quick pause) Can you start by coming out here and whoring yourself?!
–Penn Station
Hot brunette on cell: Ohmigod. How does he do those backflips? He's like 6 feet tall and super built. He probably gets so much ass. Whatever, I would totally be his groupie.
–Midtown East
Overheard by: damn i'd be his groupie too
Bouncer to bouncer: The bible does say "Be fruitful and multiply." It doesn't say "with one person."
–West Village
Overheard by: Bible Fan
Chick: I'm not a whore, but I am not gonna miss out on a chance to fuck that bitch's boyfriend. Plus, she owes me like 30 bucks.
–L Train
Overheard by: Kelly