Archive for October, 2008

Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their Mittens

Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!

–SoHo

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?

–72nd & Broadway

Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.

–Downtown 6 Train

Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!

–Columbia Quad

Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Toddlington

Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Colleen

“Honesty Is the Best Policy”? Lies

White dude to passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't normally do this. I just got out of jail and my family won't let me come back home. I am not a drug user or an alcoholic. I go back to work on Monday, please help me. I'm scared. I went to a shelter and I was beaten and had everything taken from me. I'm just trying to make enough to stay at the YMCA for the night. Anything you can do to help me…
Chica, yelling: Yo, my friend wants to know what you was in jail for!
White dude: Oh, I raped a girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: LZA

The City Has Something for Everyone

Large black girl: Damn, elephant dicks is so disgusting! I don't want no uncircumcised dicks! (to white guy walking by) I know you is circumcised, baby!
White guy (without slowing down): Long and cut.
Large black girl: Damn! I want me a dick like that!

–Outside Veniero's, 11th St

Overheard by: Just here for coffee