Archive for 2008

If You Give Them Too Much Attention, the Terrorists Win

Girlfriend, pointing at the base of a tree: Look! Look! There’s a rat and a squirrel fighting!
Boyfriend: No!
Girlfriend: Yes there is! Look! There’s a fucking rat attacking that squirrel!
Boyfriend: Shhhh. Don’t talk about the rats. Don’t pay attention to them.
Girlfriend, pointing at passerby: Look at her, she saw them! She knows what I’m talking about.
Boyfriend: Ignore the rats.

–Washington Square Park East

Just Use Your New York Instincts and You’ll Do Fine

Student: Um, would we really use the extremely polite form with random strangers on the street?
Japanese teacher, exuberantly: Oh yes, definitely.
Class: [Laughter.]
Japanese teacher: I’m not kidding, you don’t want to make them think you like them or want to get close to them… they’re a stranger! You want to keep as much emotional distance from them as possible.

–Japanese Class, Columbia University

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Is That a New Gay Bar in Chelsea?

Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to MoMA from here?
Suit: Fuck you, what do I look…
Tourist, indignantly interrupting: No, fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit. You don’t want to answer, you say “I don’t know”. All you New Yorkers are a bunch of cock-sucking assholes.
[Suit, stunned, gives directions.]
Bystander to tourist
: Where did you learn to do that?

Tourist: The Midwest.

–Outside the Guggenheim

Overheard by: Ehem.

He’d Been Wearing His Fat-Invisibility Cloak at the Bar

[Guy walks by and elbows girl in head.]
Girl
: Ow!

[A drunk girl is passing by.]
Drunk girl
: I’m sorry!

Girl: No, some guy just elbowed me in the head.
Drunk girl: Don’t worry about it. One time I met this guy here and went home with him, but it turned out he lived in Brooklyn. And he was fat.

–Bar, 14th & Ave A