Archive for 2008

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights… –B train Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’! –Q25 bus Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs. –Columbia University Overheard by: McF. Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’ –Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus Overheard by: I Am McLovey Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay. –Starbucks, Columbus Circle Overheard by: Jenya

Wednesdays and Their Stupid One-Liners

Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing? –Upper West Side Overheard by: haha Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building? –E 10th & Broadway Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer? –Manhattan-bound N train Overheard by: paratactical Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters? –Canal & Broadway Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right? –Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you’re not right Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don’t even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore? –23rd & Lex

Uncle Tom’s Wednesday One-Liners

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life. –27th & 7th Overheard by: tuna on rye White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship. –Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn Overheard by: pmd Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave! –N 4th St & Driggs Ave Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people… –Madison Square Garden Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back! –NYFA, Union Square Overheard by: kswin

Wednesday One-Liners Are Already Spending Their Rebate Checks

Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman. –Penn Station Overheard by: Trainspotter Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping. —Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre Overheard by: Michael Baker Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it! –Burns St, Forest Hills Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart. –C train Overheard by: Sarah F. Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall? –34th & 7th Overheard by: Really!

Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners

Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don’t know shit about shit! –Fordham University Announcer: The 10:30… Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit… –LIRR terminal, Penn Station Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit. –7th & 2nd Overheard by: BJ Girl: Awww, all they have is shit! –NYU dining hall Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? ‘Oh, shit.’ And guess who she learned it from? Mommy. –Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus Overheard by: Robert

Wednesday One-Liners Will Sleep with You If You Hold Still

Hot lesbo to another: You already have two girlfriends — you don’t need another boyfriend! –92nd & 2nd Hipster guy: Well, it’s not like I’m into men, but there aren’t really any girls around right now… It’s convenient! At least I’m getting laid! –In front of Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg Overheard by: Rowan Mini thug with girlfriend. You know, baby, I just get homo sometimes. –115th & Lenox Wannabe lesbo: … And I was like, ‘What, just ’cause I like to sleep with men, that makes you more gay than me?!’ And she was like, ‘Uh, yeah.’ –Bedford Ave & Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn Overheard by: equally gay Fag hag to queer friend: She is so ruining my heterosexual life! –42nd & 7th Overheard by: j Hipster dude to pals: I gotta go! I just found out this guy is bi! –Parsons the New School for Design Chick to another: She was a little bit bisexual in Hong Kong. But, then, who wasn’t? –1 train

Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word

Old lady to other: Oh… S & M… Do you like to be the dominant one? –El Greco Diner, Brooklyn Overheard by: Robert Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it’s not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he’s ever whipped himself… [Notices other people on elevator] Oops. –Elevator, 34th & 1st Chick to another: We all assume that one day you’ll be married with kids… Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless. –House party, 113th & Amsterdam Overheard by: McFreaky Leather goods hawker: I’ve got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks… I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side! –Orchard, near Rivington Overheard by: losaida Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you. –G train Overheard by: Jordan TA to another: I love that we’ve been e-mailing about a student’s paper under the subject line ‘Fetish Ball.’ –Columbia University Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy Small child, happily: … And that’s the kind of pain that never goes away! –1 train Overheard by: Emily Star

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore. –WaMu Bank, Staten Island Overheard by: staten’s most hated Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed. –Westway Diner Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey! –Union Square Overheard by: confabulation Nation Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319. –TJ Maxx, 6th Ave Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are. –11th & 1st Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…! –Museum of Natural History Overheard by: SBS

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think. –44th & 9th Overheard by: …right. Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’ –Rockefeller Center Overheard by: Rose Fox Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth! –110th & Amsterdam Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure! –Starbucks, Upper West Side Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?! –Judaism Debate, Cooper Union Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs! –Party, W 72nd & Broadway