Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day. –54th & Broadway Overheard by: J-Dawg Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing? –Columbia Bathroom Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place. –34 Ave, Astoria Overheard by: truly confused Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first! –2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose? –C Train Overheard by: Davis Baker Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit! –Broadway & Great Jones Overheard by: Jon A.
Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don’t change a thing! I can hold shit and you can’t cause you don’t got thumbs, bitch! –Union Square Dog Park Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don’t understand it. Why won’t you talk to me? –W 225th St Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we’ll go to the park. –75th & Madison Overheard by: tb Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It’s a temporary separation. –W 66th St Overheard by: Susan Volchok Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You’re too fuckin’ beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won’t treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course… with a side of flied lice. Look forward! –19th St Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I’m gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn’t work. –29th b/w 7th & 8th
Suit: Do you know what it’s like when you’re reading the news and you get 19 clips of Brazilian women fucking? –Astor Place & Lafayette Overheard by: that’s a problem? Woman to dinner companion: I think I’d like to get into flagellation porn. I’m not really sure how to go about it though. –Ludlow & Broome Random girl, during lull in party conversation: But it’s straight porn! –Bleecker & W 10th Overheard by: Deontology Guy: I wouldn’t fuck her if she was the last person on earth! There had better be porn on cable! –5 Train Professor: Does anyone know Henry Miller? [Girl raises her hand.] You and those of us… those of us who had to resort to the Sears Roebuck catalog for porn… Well, when we got older we had to turn to higher literature so we’d flip through Henry Miller for delightful dirty passages. –Religion Class, Hunter College Overheard by: liza
Five-year-old girl in the men’s bathroom: Hey everybody! Look! I have fat poopies! –New Dance Group, West 38th St Random chick: She’s gonna be all over me for shitting today. –Outside Butler Library, Columbia University Overheard by: McFreaky Girl: I so should have taken a dump in that toilet! –14th & 4th High school boy: I literally walked in the bathroom and saw like, someone took a dump on the floor; and it was more than one person! And I was just like, wow, is this a new trend or something? –Fresh Meadows, Queens Overheard by: Caro-kun 18-year-old CPR/AED instructor on using a defibrillator: …if you’re touching the person when you administer the shock, it won’t kill you, but you might poo a little. –50th & Broadway Overheard by: Fred Daubert Chick: Welp, I am ready to have diarrhea now! –2nd Ave & 11th
Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen. –Times Square Subway Station Overheard by: Billy Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months! –34th & Broadway Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em! –Brooklyn Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point. –3 Train Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period. Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42. –Midwood, Brooklyn Overheard by: Feliz Navidad Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway. –Waverly & Broadway Overheard by: Kyla
Guy on cell: Dude, the girl is hot. We kissed a little last night, but I just wanna make out with her. I just wanna make out with her all night long. [Pause.] Yeah, I said make out. –73rd & 1st Overheard by: Missy Overweight hipster girl with lisp: I’m the make-out masta. –NYU Hayden Hall Overheard by: The Doctor Balding frat guy to girlfriend: Dude, open your eyes a little bit when we make out so it’s not like I’m raping you. –C Train Overheard by: I hate when that happens, too Drunk girl: …so they ended up making out in a port-a-potty. –Spring & Lafayette College girl on cell: Don’t move in with him, just make out with people! –Starbucks, West 43rd & Broadway Overheard by: good advice
Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass. –NYU Bobst Library Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys… All of them. –Uptown 1 Train Overheard by: Suze V Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my sister! –70 & Broadway Girl on cell: …The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she’s like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I’m like: "Of course he’s pissed, you’ve gotten with six of his friends." –St. John’s University Overheard by: Peter G Guy: I’ve seen my sister-in law’s titties so many times… –Yankee Stadium Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck". –24th St b/w 6th & 7th Overheard by: Amy
Young man in small crowd: Honestly, the vaginas I’ve seen in real life are nowhere near as bad as the vaginas I’ve seen in med school. –86th & Columbus Overheard by: Stacey Girl: I feel like the male anatomy is so much more straightforward. The vag is hard to master. –Fordham University 20-something girl: If he’s gonna be such a whiny vagina about you being safe about your vagina, then you shouldn’t be sleeping with him anyways. –NYU Dorm Teenage boy, eating a sandwich: He said no mayonnaise. It tastes like a big vagina. –63rd Drive & Queens Boulevard Hobo: And then the woman just sucked it all into her vagina. –44th & 7th Overheard by: The One Frantic Asian guy, running across the street in front of Worldwide Plaza: Yeah… Yeah… But whose vagina?" –9th Ave & 50th St Overheard by: tinyfoo
Conductor: You keep holdin’ those doors open, I’ll put this train out of service, then you’ll be walkin’ home!
[Several minutes later, a man is still trying to open the doors with his foot.]
Passenger: Yo! Somebody please cut that man’s foot off! –G Train Overheard by: Johnny Salami
Old lady to bus driver: This service is getting worse and worse.
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best service we can provide at this moment. For any complaints please call the MTA [Pause.] And let me tell you this now… They won’t do anything. –M79 Bus Overheard by: Mr. Fix-it !! (HH)