Archive for 2008

I Don’t Think Either of You Have Really Seen The Polar Express

10-year-old little brother: And then there was this huge fight on an armored train.
20-something big brother: Wait, are you sure it was a train?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah, it was an armored train that had guns, and bombs, and fireworks.
20-something big brother: Are you sure it wasn’t a truck? I saw that movie and it was a truck.
10-year-old little brother: Nope, it was a train.
20-something big brother: You didn’t see the movie, did you? You just had someone tell you about it, right?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah… –1 Train Overheard by: EthanK

Wednesday One-Linerzzzz….zzzzzz…zzz…zzzzz…

Petulant child: Speed walking is boring! I want to be myself! –1st Ave & 5th St Awkward teen boy to friend: It was really boring until I got laid. –66th & Broadway Chick on cell: How is pantylessness ever boring? –113th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam Overheard by: Ladle Young art history teacher: So basically, I like to lecture the whole first class and bore the hell out of them. That way, everything I say afterwards is interesting! –74th & Madison Overheard by: Erin Partridge Short girl to lab partner: Sometimes, when I’m bored, I become a tuning fork. (slowly hits herself on the head) Diiiing! –Chemistry Lab, Stuyvesant High School

“Urban” Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Man, if you wanna get into heaven, you gotta talk to black people. They know where they at. Can’t get into heaven if you don’t talk to black people. –Statue of Liberty Bimbette on cell: So she is like pregnant? Like she is gonna have a baby? Hey, whatever happened to that black family? –Penn Station Overheard by: Bigg Rigg NYU grad student: Bill Clinton isn’t black to me anymore. –NYU Black couple to group of white people: We’re black! We’re invisible! –W 4th St Overheard by: mada White grandpa to white granddaughter in playground: Black kids have so much fun! –Union Square Park

“So That’s What I Ate for Wednesday One-Liner.”

Skinny, attractive 20-something: Yeah, that’s totally my plan: Get completely smashed every night, eat tons of eggs, then barf them all up. –E. 84th b/w 1st & York Overheard by: Holds her Liquor (and her eggs) Woman in bus on cell: George? George, you there? Oh okay, I’m on my way to the shrink’s office so I can only talk for a little while. Oh no, I’m still not feeling better, I was up all night vomiting like crazy and I’m still ridiculously gassy. Good lord, I should go to a doctor because I also have constant diarrhea. Oh George… –M66 Bus Overheard by: Stephanie Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I’ve never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking. –Outside Lombardi’s Overheard by: Rich Girl stumbling back from the bathroom: You guys, we have to leave because I threw up all over the floor and someone saw me. –Horus NYU undergrad: So we were going to have an intervention for her, but when we went to her room, she wasn’t there. So instead we wrote on her laptop, "I’m a douche, I drink too much and throw up." –8th & University

The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right

Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that… You are gettin’ too comfortable in this store. –Grocery Store Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta! –Soho Overheard by: Lara Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all? –Starbucks, Manhattan Mall Young female customer service rep to another: I’m not sayin’…, I’m just sayin’…, you know what I’m sayin’. –Macy’s Customer Service Overheard by: Richard Downey Daffy’s employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don’t even know why I’m askin’ you. You a customer. I don’t even care. –Daffy’s, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson

Wednesday One-Liners Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Guitars… guitarists, guitarists… drummers, yeah, any musicians… Girls, yeah! Girls! –Prospect Heights Suave European guy: I am playing the piano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor. –1 Train Overheard by: Rose Fox Librarianish-looking woman: He asked me if I wanted to blow his tuba, and I said, "sure!". It was amazingly harder than I thought it would be. And, he’s bringing his organ tomorrow so I can play with it. –Battery Park Starbucks 30-something woman: My consultant was telling me I should try not to sound elitist. But that’s really hard for me. I mean, I have two master’s degrees and I play the violin. –14th St & 1st Ave Bodybuilder on cell: I’m thinking a harpsichord, a wig, and a whole lotta talcum powder. –Chinatown Bus Blonde high school girl: Grinding is as practical as playing the harpsichord was for Jane Austen. –Upper East Side

Wednesday One-Liners Idolized Wednesday Addams Growing Up

Creepy-looking, middle aged goth guy, yelling: He dances with the denizens of the underworld! [Turns to his female companion.] What was his webpage again? –7th b/w 1st & 2nd Goth chick: Yea, my mom cried while my dad chased me around with sandpaper. –Pratt Campus Overheard by: Late-Night Passerby Goth girl to friend: I can’t wait until you’re addicted to sex. –Queens Goth girl talking loudly to goth friend: It just sucks that everyone is such a toolbag. Like everyone. That guy right there. Toolbag. You. Toolbag. Everyone is just a toolbag. Like seven out of ten people are just tools. –LIRR Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual Annoyed goth chick to friend: …so it looks like I’m going to be whipping some yuppies in a dungeon again. –Bedford Ave & 3rd Overheard by: yuppie45

Wednesday One-Liners, Fresh from the Oven

Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal! –2 Train Platform, Wall Street Overheard by: Gin in Tonic Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef! –Downtown 1 Train Overheard by: Withnail Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now. –First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy. –In front of Macy’s, Herald Square Overheard by: sometimesdee Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove! –Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn Overheard by: Robert Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler! –34th St Overheard by: Chloe

It’s a Sad State of Affairs When “Lights On” Is Freaky

Dude #1: Yo son, that girl last week, Anna, she is all kinds of freaky.
Dude #2: Weird, that’s what I heard.
Dude #1: Yeah man, she wanted me to do her from behind with the lights on and shit.
Dude #2: Nigga, that shit ain’t freaky.
Dude #1: Yo, with the lights on and a dildo in her mouth.
Dude #2: Wait… Which Anna you talking ’bout, my cousin? –A Train Overheard by: nuttybella