Archive for 2008

Roger's Often Baffled by the Unexpected Appearance Of Headgear

Old hipster walking by group of young hipsters, waiting at an apartment door: Oh, look at you all! Didya get all dressed up to come to the city? “Oh look at me, I'm a little hipster, look at me, I'm so pretty! I'm so special and pretty! Look at me! Oh! I'm waiting to get into a hipster party!”
Young hipster #1: Look at you man, you're all by yourself.
Young hipster #2: And you're wearing a fucking cowboy hat. –1st & 13th Overheard by: Can't we all just get along?


Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?

Conductor: This is the train from Grand Central to North White Plains. Next stop is Botanic Gardens. We do not go to Canada. Next stop is Botanic Gardens. –Metro-North Train Guy with heavy Brooklyn accent: I don't want to go to a place like Canada if I don't know where it is! –Avenue of the Americas Overheard by: Mike 20-something preppy boy (yelling into his phone): It's not racist to hate Canadians! Canadians are not a race! –8th St & 6th Ave Man on cell: What? He jumped off a bridge? You have to be Canadian to jump off a bridge! –Times Square Tourist: Man, I'm way too Canadian for this escalator. –Grand Central Station Overheard by: escal-eh?-tor


If We Never See Another Negro Pizza Fund Wednesday One-Liner Again, It'll Be Too Soon

Hobo: Can you spare a donation to the united negro pizza fund? –120th St & Amsterdam Overheard by: Mikey T Hobo: Would you like to make a donation to the united negro pastrami fund? –21st & Park Ave Overheard by: Lawrence C Hobo: Hello ladies, would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund? –Broadway, SoHo Bum on street: Please give to the united negro pizza fund. –Penn Station Overheard by: Squid Hobo: Contribute to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund! –Prince & Wooster Black hobo to tourists: Would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami fund? –Bleecker & Leroy Overheard by: Lynn Hobo: Please give to to the united negro pizza fund. A pepperoni is a terrible thing to waste. (30 minutes later) What's the best nation? A do-nation! –Outside Buddha Bar


Wednesday One-Liners' Drawings Are All Over the Refrigerator

Little kid looking out subway window: Look mom! The projects! –N Train Overheard by: patricia Three-year-old girl to mom looking at a painting: Why am I so biiiggggg? –Brooklyn Museum Overheard by: alison Little boy, whining to his mother while following her the wrong way through IKEA: We're never going to get out of here! –IKEA, Brooklyn Overheard by: Lost In Space Small child: Look at that pigeon, mommy, I want to eat it! –Central Park Overheard by: Natalie Two-year-old girl (shaking her ass): Hubba hubba! –Central Park Little boy: Mommy! Let's go look at the hos now! –Museum of Natural History, Native American Exhibit Pudgy Asian kid standing in circle of sitting summer campers: The capital of Thailand is Bangkok! Who wants a tea bag? –Brooklyn College Overheard by: Thaibag


Wednesday One-Liners Live in Upscale Packing Crates

Crazy hobo outside strip club: Good morning! (girl ignores him) I said "Good morning!" (girl keeps walking, not looking at him) Fine! I take it back! –Broadway & 53rd St Overheard by: JoBell Bag lady to tourists: Hey, people! Welcome to New York City! Can you buy me a hot dog? –Wall Street Hobo: Hey! Can I borrow fifty million dollars for the weekend?! –14th St Hobo on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please! My name is Al, but you can caaaaaaaaalllllll me…homeless. –L Train Homeless guy: Hi everyone, my name is Eddie. Some people call me Homeless Ed, or Homeless for short. I know some of you hate homeless people. I didn't use to be homeless. I had a house, a job, and even a girlfriend. And my girlfriend had a girlfriend, so here I am. –Uptown F Train Lispy overweight hobo: Hey, sweetie! If I do some scenes from Days of Our Lives, will you help me out with two dollars? –W 8th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Emily B.


Wednesday One-Liners Hire Professional Mourners

Drunk dude getting restrained: No, you don't understand. I could murder anyone! Not like my family. My family's all pussies… They're all Ricky Martin! –Outside Nightcaps, Midwood Dreadlocked lesbian: I can feel in my heart of hearts that you'll be okay, baby. You didn't kill anybody, you paid a guy to kill somebody. –Lesbian Bar, Park Slope Overheard by: gvw Elderly Eastern European woman to elderly man: A dyke can kill three thousand woman! Most killer in de' world! –Bedford Avenue & N 10th St, Williamsburg Overheard by: Ken Thompson Little boy exiting bathroom: You're not the only one alive here! –Regal Cinemas, Union Square Overheard by: MeiLi Girl to friend: If I died, and you heard about it–please burn me. –Astoria, 21st St Professional woman to another: Well, because I know that you are opposed to genocide and everything… –Union Square Three-year-old black girl stabbing at her SpaghettiO's: Die cracker die! –Day Care Center, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn


Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone? –1 Train Overheard by: Poogins Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive! –Times Square 40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more. –Park Slope, Brooklyn Overheard by: Oedipus Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead. –AirTrain White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone… –28th & Broadway Overheard by: Vanessa Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516! –4 Train Overheard by: JC


Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Attention passengers. Have your ticket out so you can be inspected and accepted, or rejected and ejected. Also, there is no smoking or urinating inside, outside, between, under, above, or around the train. Do not stick any appendages out the windows, or you will lose them. –Grand Central Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop on this train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Also, you'll want to remember to take the little ones, because we charge too much for babysitting. –J Train Overheard by: Penny Small child's voice on subway speaker: Next stop, one two fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee! –B Train Overheard by: john Conductor over loudspeaker: Hey! To the kid who just gave me the finger–grow up! –F Train Overheard by: Bernie Conductor: Know where you need to go–East Side or West Side, cause we ain't going where you think. Those of you who know what I mean, tell the person next to you who hasn't a clue. Help me out here, people–help me out. –2 Train Overheard by: know what you mean Conductor: This is a Downtown Express c train. Express express express express express express. Express. Don't say I didn't warn you, people. –C Train Conductor: For those of you getting off at Seaford Station, the front two cars will not platform at Seaford. I suggest you take the time now to move back to the cars that will make the platform at Seaford…or you can do what everyone does anyway and wait until the last minute and panic. –LIRR Overheard by: The WC


Wednesday One-Liners Go Balls Out

Male kickballer: You know, I always like waking up with two testicles! –Queensboro Oval, 59th & York Overheard by: Me too Bag lady outside of a shelter to another: Men think all they got to do is show us their dick and balls and we gonna be mesmerized. –30th St & 8th Ave Overheard by: Beef Cheeks Gay guy: Yeah, I stopped watching that game after he started dressing up like a woman and kicking photographers in the balls. –Park Ave & 20th St Overheard by: fey High school girl wrapping arms around other girl's shoulders: Suck my balls. –60th b/w Broadway & Columbus Overheard by: Krisztina


Jason Was a Final-Round Draft Pick for the Other Team

Dude: So I finally saw Lisa's* tits. Good stuff, man.
Friend: Yeah? Are they big?
Dude: Not at all. But it's better that way. A handful is enough.
Friend: So it's like nuts?
Dude: What the fuck?
Friend: No! I mean they say a handful of nuts is enough protein for the day! That came out totally wrong!
Dude: Whatever you say…Tinkerbell. –67th & Columbus