Archive for 2008

When I Finish Shitting on Your Friend's Chest, I'm Totally Asking You Out

(teenage girl goes to stand next to her friend in line for the bathroom)
Crazy hobo: Bitch, get to the back of the line! I gotta take a shit!
Teenage girl: Oh, I'm not in line, I'm just talking to my friend.
Crazy hobo: If you don't get outta line, I will take a shit on your chest. Do you want me to take a shit on your chest? Cause I will! (to teenage girl's friend) Oooh girl, you pretty. Why you hang out with cunts like these? –Starbucks, 6th & Christopher

To Be Fair, Columbus Also Made Four Voyages

Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentleman, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless. This is his fourth trip. Don't do it.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentlemen, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless? –Shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square Overheard by: Alison R.

And You Think You've Got Problems?

Black lady #1: A rash, I got a rash! On my thing–my thing was little, they done made it big! And that shit is traveling, I don't know what the fuck I gonna do.
Black lady #2 (watching soap opera on tv): Expelled?
Black lady #1: What the fuck is that?
Black lady #2: He's expelled, that means he can't come to school no more. –Waiting Room, North General Hospital Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

A Big Package of Wednesday One-Liners

Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one. –Hudson St Overheard by: Harriet Vane Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts? –Park Slope Overheard by: Rose Fox Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag–you know, kind of like a penis pops out! –Dunkin Donuts Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"! –Restaurant, Brooklyn Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay? Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! –Downtown N Train Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser." –W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal Overheard by: Alan

Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall. –Central Park South Overheard by: marijke Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair. –Bleecker & Mercer Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels! –West Village NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later. –4th St & 2nd Ave (mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed? –Bedford & 5th 20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide! –Broadway & 12th Overheard by: elijah

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Polygraph

Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now. –Rite Aid, The Bronx Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood… Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that! –St. Mark's Place Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few. –Q Train, Kings Highway Overheard by: Robert Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia. –Martin Luther King High School Overheard by: Susan Volchok Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while. –Park Slope Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still. –Washington Square Park Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours. –1st & 72nd Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least

Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die. –College of Staten Island Overheard by: Nameless Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems. –3rd Ave & 40th Overheard by: Liz Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty. –Wendy's, Union Square Overheard by: I was starving and bought less 14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk. –18th St & 2nd Ave Overheard by: Will Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together! –49th St & 8th Ave Overheard by: agree to agree 20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair. –Canal & Mott

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street. –NoHo Overheard by: me too Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them! –Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land! –L Train Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick. –L Train Overheard by: Rebecca Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude! –23rd St & 8th St Overheard by: alex