Archive for 2008

To Say Nothing of Your Buck Teeth and Peg Leg

Short Latina #1: You could never be a model.
Short Latina #2, concerned: Why?
Short Latina #1: Your ass is too big.

–5th & 5th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Andrea

Headline by: Gimpy

· “America’s Next Bottom Model” – Fierce!
· “At Least I Don’t Have My Head in Mine” – Drewp
· “But I Smell Like Vomit and Cigarettes!” – Ba-Dunka-Dunk
· “I Can Hear Your Thong Screaming For Help” – Darryl S
· “Those Are My Breasts; I Sling Them Over My Shoulders So That I Don’t Kick Them When I Walk.” – E-man – Master of the UNIVERSE
· “What’s That Got to Do with Hand Modelling?” – KJM

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

My 50 Plus His 75

Girl #1: It’s dangerous to walk and read at the same time, you know!
Girl #2: That’s genius.
Girl #1: It is! I got, like, 125 on an IQ test, you know. I just took it today. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I had someone helping me.

–PATH train

Overheard by: ryan link

Wednesday Number-Two Liners

Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.

–N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin’ for another two hours.

–Penn Station

Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Bailey

Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!

–2nd Ave, LES

Overheard by: caroline

Man on cell: Don’t go near the elevator. There’s a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there’s still some there. Be careful. I don’t want you to smear it.

–Essex St

NYU student to friend: Of course I didn’t poop in the shower… I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!

–8th & Mercer

Overheard by: Alex

A Resounding Chorus of Wednesday One-Liners

Three-year-old: Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend!

–60th & 5th

Overheard by: Rich

Hobo singing to self: Pussy’s like a lickety split, but if you miss, you wind up in a world of shit.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Blind weelbo: Amaaazing grace, how sweet the sound… I once was blind aaand I still am…

–F train

Overheard by: Sara

Large thug, singing in falsetto: I will looove agaaain, even if it takes a lifetime to get ooover youuu…

–Milano Market, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Talentless busker, singing: All my loving, I will send to you… All my loving, darling, I’ll be true [tries to whistle instrumental break, and fails]. My lip! There’s something wrong with my lip!

–63rd & Lex Ave station

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!


Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Wednesday One-Liners You Just Wanna Pat on the Head

Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.

–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St

Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.

–Outside Coney Island Freak Show

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!

–PATH train

Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.

–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: Heather

Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.

–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn