Archive for 2008

Slow: Wednesday One-Liner-Xing

Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don’t want to get run over or we can’t have sushi.

–78th & Amsterdam

Cute girl halting before crossing into oncoming traffic: Okay, perhaps we should not die today.

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Traffic

Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!

–57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Chick zig-zagging across street: I just cannot get down with manholes! Scary, scary manholes. I try to avoid them at all costs.

–83rd & Broadway

Bored cop on megaphone: Please walk on the sidewalk. Stop walking in the middle of the street… Stop walking in the middle of the street. Use the sidewalks… See how you’re on the black pavement? You want to be on concrete. See the cars trying to run you over? That’s ‘vehicular traffic.’ Get out of its way.

–Next to Radio City Music Hall

Boyfriend following jaywalking girlfriend: That’s illegal. [She ignores him.] That’s illegal!

–6th & 4th, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Out and Touch Someone

Hot chick: My phone has finally learned to spell ‘cock’ and ‘anal’! I’m so proud!

–King’s Head Tavern, 14th St

Overheard by: Argopelter

Girl on cell: Listen, you in Rikers — you lucky you ain’t get three years! … And you stayin’ there, ’cause I ain’t bailin’ you out… Oh, whatever — if I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be usin’ my daytime minutes.

–W train, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Juan Moment

Chick on cell: I am your phone sex Yoda! Come, my young padawan! Come!

–Steinway & Ditmars

Overheard by: using the force

Cross-eyed JAP on cell: No, seriously, it’s not my phone. I think there’s something wrong with my chin.

–Times Square

Overheard by: NathAnonymous

Are Your Wednesday One-Liners Tingling?

Professor: So, let’s return to the topic of male nipples for a moment.

–Sophomore seminar, Bard High School Early College

JAP on cell: … So I picked up and was like, ‘Hello?’ and she was all, ‘Come on, we’re going to get our nipples pierced.’ And I was like, ‘Oh. Um, okay.’

–49th & 7th

Biker chick: You don’t understand! You don’t understand that I can’t feel my nipples right now!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Gemma

Tough guy to another: We all bang. We love each other. So what if I pinched your nipples?! What’s the big deal? I pinched your nipples!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Jim Conroy

Girl on cell: At the gallery, a woman offered me her nipple covers. She was like, ‘Hey, do you want my nipple covers?’ … Yeah, it’s been that kind of day.

–Stuyvesant Town

Shake That Wednesday One-Liner! Watch Yo’self!

Ghetto girl to booty-smacking friends who knocked into passerby: Damn, girl! See what happens when you got a big ass? Innocent bystanders get hit!

–7 train

Overheard by: bill R

Young guy: I don’t know names, I just know booties and faces.

–11th St Pier

Truck driver to old lady standing off curb: Back that ass up!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Christine

Hobo to girl in striped spandex leggings: Ummm… Um, that’s some ass. I wish I could develop lockjaw and never let go!

–E 5th St, between 1st & 2nd

Middle-aged guy: … And so she’s like, ‘Why do you want a house in the Hamptons when you have a house in the city?’ Why? Because I can’t look at fine ass in the city.


Overheard by: Rosie

Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.

–Restaurant, 46th St

Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.

–F train

Overheard by: Kevin Z

Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!

–Broome & Allen

Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave

Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gabriel

The Rich Get Richer While the Poor Get Wednesday One-Liners

NYU fashionista: Oh my god — I am, like, so poor that my parents might sell my horse!

–Washington Square Park

Hipster girl: He grew up in a neighborhood so poor his purebred dog got stolen!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Confused hippie: Wait, Mexicans carry Louis Vuitton bags? I thought that they were poor. Isn’t that why we’re supposed to feel sorry for them?

–Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Salvation Army bell ringer: Donate money for the poor! Do something good for once in your life!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Katrina

Lady in fur coat to friend without one: Just go to Mexico — you won’t feel so poor there.

–Leaving Henri Bendel, 5th Ave

Counterfeit Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?

–57th & 7th

Bimbette: I just don’t have the energy to have a fake conversation.


Overheard by: tired

Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.

–1 train

Overheard by: Craig

Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: In complete agreement

Under the Influence of Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk Santa to drunk female Santa: I didn’t know what to do! I don’t know anything about kids!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: James

Tipsy LI teen to friend buying LIRR ticket: Is the machine gonna give you a bunch of Sacajaweas? … Dude… Sack-a-ja-wee-wee! She’s gonna be all up in your piece!


Overheard by: pri

Drunk girl sobbing to another: You’re my opposite! You’re my everything!

–Sala One Nine

Overheard by: And I’m in the fifth dimension…

Drunk man: My penis can touch my asshole!

–12th & 3rd

Drunk girl: You know what would be really weird and sort of pointless? A life-size map.

–12th & 2nd

Drunk white guy to passerby: He act like is my fault that I’m drunk.

–39th & 8th

Overheard by: How odd is that

Suitable Wednesday One-Liners

Handsome suit: He can totally clean my gutters anytime. He’s got the whole package.

–Exiting Sheraton hotel, 7th Ave

Suit on cell: It’s when someone urinates on you…

–19th & 7th

Overheard by: Golden Slumbers

Suit: No one ever wants any of my gum. It’s not poisoned! I might put something in your drink at a bar, though.

–A train

Overheard by: emilyc

Suit to another: That’s because all you eat is fully-cooked, non-contaminated food. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it…

–24th & 6th

Overheard by: Angi

Suit holding sexual harassment pamphlet, to HR department: I have conquered sexual harassment!

–102nd St

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

The Public Immodesty of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I mean, I totally don’t get what your mom’s problem is. I mean, it covers your vagina!

–109th & CPW

Overheard by: Harris Mercer

NYU girl: I wore this to a party the other night, and I thought, ‘Slut, slut slut.’ But then I looked around…

–W 4th & MacDougal

Overheard by: Martin Johnson

Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls’ skirts today! My daughter — her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

–5 train

B&T girl to another: Now I have to go home and pick out an outfit to cheat on my boyfriend with for tomorrow night.

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: DocThomp

Teen girl on cell: … Something slutty. … What are you going to wear?

–Union Square Holiday Market

Overheard by: Sarah Booz