Archive for 2008

If You’re Really Devoted, You’ll Take Her into the Bathroom for Some Coke

30-ish man #1: Whenever I’m down, I just go out and get hammered with my mom. When’s the last time you got wasted with your mom?
30-ish man #2: I don’t really ever do that.
30-ish man #1: You’ve gotta be kidding me, dude. I do it all the time. Think about it — moms need to get hammered. They never get to go out… Just take her out, get her drunk, and drop her off. It will be the time of her life. Just do it and be a good son.

–Northbound Harlem line

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha

Tourist girl to another: Oh my god, yes! Yeah, we’ll just walk back. Times Square is like a couple blocks away.

–11th St

Tourist, about Rent: Is this show always about Christmas time? Because I know there are some shows that they update for each season.

–Nederlander Theatre

Tourist lady: Tree! Where are you?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Robert

Tourist, navigating crowds: Oh my god! I, like, feel like Anne Frank.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Claustrophobic

Tourist: Where’s a Duane What’s-his-nuts when you need it?

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Ben Smith

Tourist girl: … Are we in a dungeon?

–Track 4, Penn Station

Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!

–University & E 9th St

Overheard by: Thompson

Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Mark Jochens

Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: traPt

Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.

–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Argopelter

Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!

–Mercer University

Overheard by: J Dawg

Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dave

I’m Wednesday One-Liners, and I Approve This Message

Ghetto black chick: I’m Hillary Clinton! Where my niggas at?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: arose

30-ish black woman: She can tell me what book to buy… She can recommend a good bra… But Oprah telling me who to vote for? I don’t think so!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: JoBell

Guido: I would blow Al Sharpton to be in my bed right now. I would caress Hillary Clinton’s asshole to be in my bed right now.

–F train

Overheard by: dat wint’ry mix

Hot chick: I mean, I love Bill Clinton, and I would have slept with him even last week, but he’s gone crazy!

–11th & 4th, Park Slope

Overheard by: bemused obama guy

Hobo: Hello! I am running for president! Vote for me and I’ll legalize marijuana! You can marry whoever you wanna!

–Deli, 12th & 6th

Overheard by: Nora, Bianca, and Ethan

Middle-aged white lady: Go Obama! Go Obama! I don’t know what he stands for, but I sure like to look at him!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Black woman to male friend: I just find it ironic that a woman and a black man are running… And I’m going with the white guy.

–Café Mogador, East Village

Miss Teen South Carolina’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: I feel like I can relate more to retarded people than normal people.

–Broadway & Waverly

Girl on cell: What are you talking about?! She’s intellectually retarded. Hang on a sec, okay? Crap! They don’t have The Da Vinci Code.

–Outside The Strand

Black girl: … And we wasn’t laughin’ at him ’cause he got Down Syndrome… [Chuckles] We was laughin’ ’cause he was mackin’ on us so hard!

–Fordham University cafeteria, Rose Hill

Overheard by: So did the helmet get in the way?

Frat boy: Geez, bro, just when I thought you couldn’t get retardeder…

–Park Row

Overheard by: Passerby

Angry girl on cell: I was trying to tell her that she’s fucking retarded… in a very nice way!

–Fontana’s

Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners

Grad student chick: Yoda is not a relative. He’s little and green.

–NYU

12-year-old boy: I’m in a grey area right now as to whether Santa exists or not. I need more evidence.

–E 20th St

Overheard by: Dia

Customer to cashier: Frodo, it’s been real.

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Thug: You know what, nigga? I think all them zombies are racist mothafuckahs. You notice they always eat the brotha first? What are we, covered in mothafuckin’ chocolate? Do I look like a fondue fountain? That’s some bullshit.

–189th & Bathgate

Overheard by: Lyle

Hobo, in false British accent: Of all the dimensions in the universe, I had to end up in this one! New York — filthy, dirty, grimy. Greatest city in the world? Bah! I could have been fighting dragons with Merlin, but no! I had to end up here!

–6 train

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic