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January 2008 Archives
Do What Kathy Griffin Does -- Rip on Renee Zellweger
Dad: The invitation says five-thirty, but it probably won't start until six.
Little girl: Six? I don't understand -- why do they make everyone rush to get here, and then we just have to wait?
--Miss Potter premiere, DGA Theater, 57th & 6th
There Would Be No Further Booty Calls for Ian
American woman: I heard this song the other day -- the lyrics were great.
British man: Hm?
American woman: It was almost as good as that one song -- you know, that one that goes, 'Ain't no call like a booty call, 'cause a booty call just don't stop.'
British man: Uh-huh.
American woman: The lyrics are all, 'Looove is my religion. I'll take you to the temple tonight.'
British man: Wow... Let's just try to make some more really shitty metaphors, why don't we?
--Choga, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Alice
I Don't Forgive Mel, and I Don't Forgive You
College stoner: Wouldn't it be awesome if, instead of being Oedipus's mother, Jocasta was Wal-Mart or some other embodiment of the commercial-industrial complex? And, instead of blinding himself with his mother-wife's brooches, Oedipus stabs himself in the eyes with his name tag pin? Like, I wonder what that all would mean, dude. You ever think about that?
Studious black friend: Wow. Pretentious much? Or are you just hashed right now?
College stoner: Hashed, man. Totally. What were we talking about, again? Oh, yeah!
--The Strand, Union Square
Overheard by: neongensis
Where Jeopardy! Winners Come From
Mom pushing stroller: ... And how do you spell 'Loch Ness'?
Four-year-old boy: L, um... L-O, um... um... L-O-C-H-N-E-S-S
--17th St & Irving Pl
You're Not Worth It. We Spit in Toronto's Coffee Now
Barista guy to girl wearing Red Sox hat: What do we have here? A Red Sox fan? What are you doing in this city? You don't belong here. Hey, what's your name? Hey! Are you ignoring me?
Red Sox girl: I'm sorry, did you say something?
Barista guy: Yeah, I was talking about your hat -- it sucks.
Red Sox girl: Yeah, whatever. You didn't spit in my latte or anything, did you?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Snooper
They Stopped Reading after "Do Unto Others"
20-ish Yankees fan #1: ... And I told him, 'Dude, you have a penis -- use it.'
20-ish Yankees fan #2: That's kinda like rape.
20-ish Yankees fan #3: Remember when there were all those pictures of the American soldiers torturing Iraqis?
20-ish Yankees fan #2: Yeah, that was awesome.
--42nd St
Overheard by: GoRedSox
The UN Delegates from North and South Korea Are at It Again
Woman: I mean, chicken nuggets go straight to your ass.
Man: At least my tits don't sag.
--42nd & 8th
Does Penney's Even Carry Rubber?
Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.
--JCPenney bridal registry
He'll Forget It, Though; She Won't
Girl: I'm sorry I kicked you into a VIP table. I love you.
Guy: I'm sorry I called you a slut. I love you, too.
--L train
If by "Discount Shopping" You Mean "Anonymous Barebacking"
Young girl with Texan accent #1: What's Soho?
Young girl with Texan accent #2: Oh, that's like where they have all the discount shopping places.
--R train
Headline by: dan
Runners-Up:
· "Bush Twins.......Activate!" - stephie
· "In Texas, We Call It Mexico..." - Michael Haigh
· "There's a Wal-Mart in SoHo?" - Chuckles
· "They Were Disappointed with DUMBO, Too." - nick
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
White People Come to Understand Hip Hop Very Gradually Indeed
American: Americans call the last letter in the alphabet 'zee,' but in Britain they call it 'zed.'
Swede: Oh! That's why Jay-Z is pronounced 'Jay Zee' and not 'Jay Zed'!
--JFK
The Truth Is Too Boring to Tell
Lady in SUV shouting out window: What's everyone standing in line for?
Hipster guy in line: Free Kittens!
Lady in SUV: What?
Hipster guy: Rolling Stones!
Lady in SUV: Oh.
--Art exhibition, Spring St
Overheard by: namatovu
But Don't Quit Your Day Job
30-something mom: Here we are. Here we are. Get it? Here we arrre.
Five-year-old daughter: That's a good one, Mommy.
--R train station, Union St
Overheard by: Tacologic
Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein
Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!
--Fordham University
Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.
--JFK
Overheard by: spanky
Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!
--Highline Ballroom
Hootchie on cell: No joke -- it smelled ripe down there. I be all, 'Jimmy... D-A-M-N! I'm too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.'
--W Broadway
Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!
--Union Square
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
Thug on cell: Yo, I'm sure she smells better now, bro!
--Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: mj
People Move to New York to Escape Their Wednesday One-Liners
Man introducing lady friend to pal: This is Lucille, my ex-wife... She's my second cousin... She was also my second wife.
--136th St, Harlem
Middle-aged woman: I have such a bad memory! I know, I know. I know. There are times I go to my daughter, 'How do I spell my name?'
--D train
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Loud woman on cell: She's evil! Don't you know she killed mama? That's the family secret!
--Q83 bus
Overheard by: It's Jady, BiTChesss!!
Guy talking on cell: I completely understand that she was pissed off, but I mean, come on! She did hit her sister in the head with an iron!
--11th Ave
Lady: So, I bought my niece a gift. I don't know why... She's such an ungrateful little bitch.
--Grand Central
Man on cell: ... So she said, 'There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just gonna say it... You have a four-year-old son.'
--26th & Park
Overheard by: Nick
Wanna Buy a Bridge, Wednesday One-Liners?
10-year-old tourist kid: Mom, is Brooklyn famous for its graffiti?
--Coney Island-bound D train
Overheard by: BB
White guy, pointing: Over there in Brooklyn three-year-olds just, like, walk around!
--Delancey & Essex
Overheard by: Red Hair
Guy walking through bar: What's with Brooklyn and beards?
--Union Hall, Park Slope
Overheard by: jasonjason
Guy: Brooklyn is the middle borough in terms of goodness.
--Kosher Delight
Thugette to double decker tour bus: Brooklyn! Brooklyn! You're taking a tour of Brooklyn! I just got out of jail!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Staying on the bus....
Wednesday One-Liners Are Here to Fix the Cable
Guy: So, I saw this video online of a chick who tied her beef curtains in a knot...
--Astor Pl
Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dissertation and just write erotica?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Chick: My favorite porn line, and possibly my favorite movie line ever, is, 'Suck it, my queen. Suck it.'
--Grand Sichuan, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Intern to another: They do too make gay pornography!
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Nicolas Agrait
Cube neighbor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out -- get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has closets and closets full of it!
--Midtown
20-something woman on cell: I may be too analytical for erotica.
--Outside Century 21
Overheard by: McFreaky
Wednesday One-Liners Read Overheard in the Office
Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.
--R train, Lexington Ave stop
Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn't let me do this at my old job?!
--Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th
Overheard by: Lezbotron
IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!
--Office, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: beans
I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don't get bonuses.
--Metro-North
Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it's all your fault!
--Times Square
30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.
--New Year's Eve concert
Overheard by: Smash
Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there's a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack... and other stuff... on the back of the train.
--Church Ave
Overheard by: Katie & Jaime
Teen girl, to older woman: You 'posed to eat. Ain't 'posed to smoke no rock!
--Classon & DeKalb
Queer in RA's office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins -- we were in Amsterdam -- and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that's when they started kicking in...
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story
Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.
--10th St & Stuyvesant
Guy on cell: I'm at Stuy High... Whaddya mean ya don't know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed's at!
--Near Stuyvesant High
Man to concerned woman: Don't think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: amused priest
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Learn On
Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I'll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]
--F train
Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A's.
--Diner, Chelsea
Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher...
--Dishes Restaurant, 45th St
Overheard by: Literate
Teen: No lie, my nigga -- I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!
--Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk
Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann's... Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes... Please...
--Chinatown
Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners of Your Own
Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride 'The Earthquake.' You like that? ... Well, see, you're too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.
--A train
Overheard by: Stephie
Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don't know how to hustle! You ain't no hustler, she ain't no hustler... No hustlin'.
--137th & Broadway
Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?
Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!
--F train at Broadway-Lafayette
Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I'll throw you. Then I ain't gotta buy you no Power Ranger.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: autumn
Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.
--Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Ryn
Mom: Boy, don't you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don't behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I'll call Santa on yo' misbehavin' ass.
--BX 21 bus
Woman holding child's hand: You're my daughter, right? Okay, good.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Nervous
Wednesday One-Liners Join the AARP
Old guy with gray hair: I used to be an old guy with gray hair!
--Mott & Canal St
Overheard by: Will
80-year-old man: What is rough sex? Do I put her against the wall? I don't know.
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Liz
Old lady struggling to get layers of scarves and coats off: I'm not used to having to put clothes on.
--New York Historical Society
Old lady on cell: Old people like sex! I'm 85, and I still like me some sex!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: imerikaf
75-year-old lady to hobo on bench: Oh, wow, you look so cozy!
--Central Park
Old man with cane to 20-ish girl who just nabbed the cab he hailed: Happy holidays, you dumb bitch!
--62nd & 2nd
Old white guy: Fo' shizzle!
--Outside Nederlander Theatre
Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won
Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, 'Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!'
--Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority
Overheard by: Kevin
20-ish guy on cell: Yeah... Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn't get my money! Ma... Yeah, Ma, you know I don't care!
--Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: The Simian Space Man
Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].
--2 train
Overheard by: Ladle
[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]
Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should've been more careful, or what?!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Susan Laura
Chick: So, I'm up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, 'Okay, time to go!' and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going 'whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop' -- like, he's making siren noises -- and I turn around, and there's this cop... I guess the siren on his cop car wasn't working or something, so he's on the loudspeaker mic yelling, 'Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!' as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?
20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city...
--Fulton St
Overheard by: other white girls
Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain't nothin' but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!
--Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bubby
Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!
--PATH platform
Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I'm surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin' at me... I dunno what they're lookin' at.
--JFK
Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway
Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that's why I don't like this show. I've got too much soul for this.
--Madison Square Garden
Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it's something that's taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist... but what's up with white people?!
--D train
I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!
Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the 'Fasten seatbelt' sign... That includes all passengers in row nine... That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo... Yes, thank you, and have a great day.
--JFK
Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan... I'm from South Carolina. We do something special there -- we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I've got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you're thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue -- it's safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.
--JFK
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Flight attendant: ... And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Sheffler
Flight attendant: ... And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.
--JFK
Overheard by: Ardbeg78
Pilot: Well, folks, I'm sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.
--United flight, JFK
Overheard by: clueless about electronics
Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo'self a good time!
--JFK
Overheard by: Nancy L.
It's a Mad, Mad World
10-year-old, about two girls walking by: Yo, she's mad tall! And she's mad short! That's mad crazy!
Passerby: I agree!
--Houston & Ave A
Overheard by: The short one.
Gonna Be a Voyage of Discovery, People
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound R train... No! J train... This is a Brooklyn-bound N train. Next stop, DeKalb Avenue. [Passengers laugh.]
--N train, Canal St
Overheard by: Bridgettttttttt
New Yorkers Have No Time for Set Theory
Tourist lady: So, this is New York...
Chick: No. This is Manhattan.
--R train
Overheard by: miraclemidgit
And You're the One with the PhD
Girl #1: If I were pregnant, when would I start throwing up? I mean, like, where can I get an abortion? Will they tell my parents?
Girl #2: I don't know. Why does everyone always ask me?
Boy: 'Cause you're a whore.
--6th & 2nd
Overheard by: kristin
No One Expects the Empire State Building
Nun #1: Can you believe that?
Nun #2: Oh my god, no!
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: stef
Sasha Cohen: I Am a Fucking Olympian, Dickwad
Midwestern man, about woman spinning in center of ice rink: Awww, someone's reflecting on times passed.
New Yorker: Look at that chick in the middle -- thinks she's a fuckin' Olympian! [Yells at her] Nice work, retard!
--Rockefeller Center
Only If There's Scratching and Hair-Pulling in the Dramatic Re-Enactment
Teacher: ... And you'll finish up the unit on slavery with a project about a historical figure in the slavery era.
7th grader: Can I do mine on Thomas Jefferson's baby's mama?
--University Neighborhood Middle School
That's the Beginning?
Guy: Excuse me, I wanted to know if any black women would go out with me. If I were the last man on Earth, would you go out with me? [Black lady does not respond.] What if there were 20 minutes until the end of the world? [Still no response, so guy addresses another lady.] What about you? Would you go out with me?
Woman: What's the point?
Guy: Alright, let's start from the beginning... [Holding up gallon of apple juice] I have some apple juice -- will you split it with me?
--Union Square station
Well, That Was 20 Seconds of Reading Time We'll Never Get Back
Hot chick on cell: Yeah, no... Like, I'm pretty convinced that Patrick* is, like, totally gay. Well, because when we, like, dated, he would always want to go shopping and take, like, the longest time, like always studying how tight jeans made his ass look. And, like, he told me how his best friend ended up being, like, uber-gay, and like, he would always say, like, random shit like, 'Y'know, like, people you don't even, like, know could be gay.' I'd be like, 'O-M-G -- what?!' And, like, the entire time we went out, we only had sex, like, once, and that was when I, like, lost my virginity... No, I didn't consider it the official, like, time I actually lost my V-card because he couldn't even, like, get it up... No, we were not drunk! I'm not like that big of a slut... Or at least, I wasn't then.
--Chelsea
Is It Supposed to Taste Like Snot?
Queer #1: Kiss me. [Kisses queer #2.] Do I taste like it?
Queer #2: I don't know what coke tastes like. Oh. Sorry, that was pretty loud.
--33rd & 7th
Sorry about Dropping My Social Facade, There
Guy: Did you hear that Sam broke up with Angie?
Girl: Good for him! [Guy stares at her in disbelief.] Uh... I mean... Oh, poor Angie!
--NYU dining hall
Promises, Promises...
Passenger #1: Antenna-Man is in the next car, and he's coming this way. That dude is crazy!
Passenger #2: Alright! I gave that guy money last time I saw him 'cause he said he was going back to Mars and he's taking George Bush with him!
--Manhattan-bound L train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
'Til Death Do Us Part... Well, for Three Days, Anyway
Hardhat #1: Paddy, you're Irish Catholic, right?
Hardhat #2: Yeah.
Passerby: Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene.
Hardhat #2: Shut you fuckin' mouth! I will believe that crock of shit when you show me a marriage certificate.
--Broad St
A Mighty Wind
Guy: My dream is to fart into a bullhorn.
Girl: Wow -- reach for the stars!
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Lucy
I Meant, of Course, within Those Logical Limits
Guy: I can so. I can do anything I want.
Girl: Well, you can't control destiny! All you can do in life is choose a direction and do your best when you're fucked!
--22nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Khalim
She Will Not Leave Her Wingman
Preppy girl #1: Eek! No humping. Stop!
Preppy girl #2, pressing her thighs against #1: Not even side humping?
Preppy girl #1: No, not here... [Winks.]
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: A Queens Librarian/ Rockstar
Compassion: A NYC Short Story
Guy: Did you hear about that guy that fell from a 47th floor and survived?
Girl: No.
Guy: It's crazy! The paramedics found him conscious, too.
Girl: Wow. Can you help me upload my Jingle Ball photos to my Kodak account?
--1500 Broadway
Just Answer the Question. And Stop Slouching.
Four-year-old boy to stranger: Do you have a little boy?
30-ish single man: No, not yet.
Four-year-old boy: Why not?
30-ish single man: Because I don't have a wife yet.
Four-year-old boy: Why not?
30-ish single man: You sound like my mother.
--38th & 2nd
Overheard by: Todd J.
Betty Wisely Refrained from Asking Why
20-ish girl: Can I ask you a personal question?
Friend: Yeah.
20-ish girl: When you hook up with a guy and you want him to take your shirt off, do you put your arms up?
Friend: Ummm... No.
20-ish girl: Well, that's what I did the other day when I wanted my mom to take my shirt off...
--59th & Lex
Tell Us All about It, Dear
Professor: So, what did you all think of the Bodies Exhibit? Is there any part of the human anatomy you think you'd change if you had the chance?
Hipster guy: I'd get rid of nipples on guys. They're kind of pointless.
Professor: That's true. Although some men have very sensitive bosoms and enjoy being touched there. Have any of you ever been with a man who had a sensitive bosom? [One student awkwardly raises her hand.]
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
All Married People Do This to Each Other
Chick: Oh, yeah, you were gonna call your mom.
Dude: I was?
Chick: Yeah -- about your sister.
Dude: Oh, yeah. What did you want me to ask her?
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Antithesis
She Learned Her Lesson from the "You Kids Like Rape?" Guy
Suit to teen couple: You kids like drugs?
Girl: Um... Is that a trick question?
--Union Square
Headline by: MrCandey
Runners-Up:
· "Because I Only Trick for Cocaine" - ToddS
· "Like "Find America on a Map?" - Krisztina
· "Listen, Are You Getting In This Van Or What?" - gib
· "No, but Speak Closer to My Tie..." - Danny the Mullins
· "Worst Narc Ever" - samson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Victorian Child Abuse Seems to Be on the Rise
20-ish girl, looking at armoire: You know what we could do with one of these? If you ever have kids and you don't want to look at them, you can put them in one of these. [Friend laughs hysterically.] Oh my god, I've killed you.
--9th floor of Macy's, Herald Square
When Worlds Politely Collide
Gangsta #1: You guys have any weed?
White hippie: No, sorry. We have some booze coming soon, though.
Gangsta #2: Booze? What the hell?
Gangsta #1: Drinks, you dumbass... [To hippie] That's cool, that's cool.
White hippie: Have a good one!
--Central Park
Overheard by: LSB
Weren't You in Michigan in 2001?
Chick: I dunno, ever since 9/11, my period has been all off.
Guy: Really? You think the trade towers had something to do with it?
Chick: Yeah, I think so... Maybe because of all the dust in the air from the building or something.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Shalvi
Who Were All Hipsters from Austin... but Still...
Hipster #1: She sucked my dick right there.
Hipster #2: She was such a slut!
Hipster #1: Luckily for me.
Hipster #2: Most Texans are, though... that I've met...
--14th & 5th
Once I Get Married, Everything Will Be Great
NYU girl #1: I thought businesswomen were supposed to be self-confident and clean.
NYU girl #2: No, they're just assertive and bitchy.
NYU girl #1, sighing: I hate having roommates.
--B train
Overheard by: Hoboken Biscuit
And Don't Even Get Him Started on Hollywood Squares
Dude: You know what I realized? Everything I need to know or see, I get from Wikipedia, YouTube or Urban Dictionary.
Philosopher: Yes, for they form the triangle of knowledge, first envisioned by the Incas. But once their triangle of knowledge gained too much power, it destroyed their civilization, and that is how one of the great civilizations of old fell.
Dude: ... Damn, man, you always make shit deep.
--Q65A bus
Ummm, I'm the Pilot
Wife: Honey, she's the waitress.
Annoyed husband: She is not the waitress.
Wife: Yes, she is.
Annoyed husband: She's the stewardess.
--JetBlue, JFK
Overheard by: Jess McGins
K.D. Lang: So That's What My Initials Stand For!
Canadian girl, about Project Runway: It really irritates me every time she says 'auf Wiedersehen.' I mean, get over yourself.
American girl: Yeah, that's how we feel every time you say 'Kraft dinner.'
--1 train
Pretty Much Their Business Model
Black chick #1: Where should we go?
Black chick #2: Oh, there's a Victoria's Secret over there.
Black chick #1: Oh, no, I don't go to Victoria's Secret. I don't buy shit from Victoria's Secret. Niggas buy shit for me from Victoria's Secret.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: britt/brat
In New Yorkese, That's "I Laugh at Anything Under 20K"
Valley girl: Ewww, what is that?
Boyfriend: That's a cab.
Valley girl: I want it.
Boyfriend: You want it?
Valley girl: I want to buy it!
Boyfriend, to cabbie: How much is it?
Cabbie: Get bent.
--Broadway
Hey, Why Are We Arguing?
Man #1: It smells like feces in here.
Man #2: No, it doesn't. It smells like a dead guy.
--Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rebecca
Porn Stars, for Example
Little girl: Daddy, do people have white hair because they're old?
Dad: Yes. And, in fact, some people like me have almost no hair at all.
--M86 bus, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Jake
Whatever It Takes
Religious lady: Here's a flyer to educate you about Jesus.
Teen guy: I'm agnostic.
Religious lady: That's the wrong religion.
Teen guy: It's not a religion.
Religious lady: Accept Jesus Christ and be saved!
Teen guy: Fuck Jesus.
Religious lady: What?!
Teen guy: Fuck Jesus.
Religious lady: You shouldn't say that -- Jesus will forgive you.
Teen guy: You're ugly. Now leave me alone.
--Delancey St
Overheard by: Used to this shit
Where Have You Been?
Drunk, to queer: Fag!
Queer: ... Dad?
--14th & 8th
Overheard by: Ray
The Great Glass Elevator Has Fucked with a Lot of People's Transit Sensibilities
Man #1: We've got to get the L train goingleft!
Man #2: No, we've got to get the L train going right!
--C train platform, Penn Station
Overheard by: courtenay
I Fully Support You from a Safe Distance
Gay activist with clipboard: Hi there -- do you have a minute for gay rights?
Suit: Not really, no.
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
But Is That "Fair Use"?
Guy with electric bass: This one's real hard. Real hard. I'm gonna give whoever gets this one three dollars! Three dollars! [Sings] I can see clearly now the rain is gone...
Mother of three: Jimmy Cliff! Jimmy Cliff!
Guy with electric bass: Did you say 'Jimmy Cliff'?! [Mumbling upon seeing her litter] Man, I wish she didn't have so many babies... [Shouting to her again] You -- you thought I said 'rain.' I said 'train' -- I can see clearly now the train is gone... I wrote that, not Jimmy.
--2 train
Overheard by: jil
The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners
Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.
Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn't want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!
--R train
Overheard by: Emma
The Most Hilarious Exsanguination Ever
Preppy teen girl #1: ... And there was blood, like, everywhere!
Preppy teen girl #2: Haha, oh my god.
--Soho
Overheard by: dannyl
Everybody Walks Over Her, but No One Stops
Little girl: You're like a staircase!
Mother: You're like a staircase!
Little girl: No, you're like a staircase!
Mother: How am I like a staircase?
Little girl: Turn around, and be like a staircase!
--11th & 4th
Overheard by: tj
About 999,999 in a Million New Yorkers, to Be Exact
Dad: The first president was George Washington, then John Adams, then Thomas Jefferson, then James Madison, then--
Little girl: --Who's the last president?
Dad: The president now? George W. Bush.
Little girl: I thought he was dead.
Dad: No... Some people want him to be.
--B1 bus
Overheard by: Jennifer
We Won't Know Until the Eggs Hatch
Guy #1: ... And then I got hit by a car.
Guy #2: Are you a mutant?
--Cafeteria, The New School
Overheard by: katie caroline
And Smoke It?
Crackhead girl: I said excuse me, man! Get the fuck outta my way!
Guy: Geez...
Crackhead girl: And you better fix your zipper before I take your penis!
--4 train
Overheard by: iliveherebutstilllooklikeatourist
I Brought My Paddle!
Passenger #1: I'm gonna be riding in the Five Boro Bike Tour, but I haven't begun training yet. If I don't train, my legs will be fine but my ass will be sore. My ass isn't ready for that long a ride.
Passenger #2: I think Jake* would love to help train your ass for the ride!
--4 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
From R.L. Stevenson's Treasure Trail Island
Girl #1: How often do you get wet?
Girl #2: Oh my god, we're in public!
Girl #1: Well, I was just wondering, because everybody back home thinks you're such a slut!
Girl #2: Piss off! At least I'm not a fire crotch!
Girl #1: Don't you ever call me that ever again, or I'll delete you off my Top Eight on MySpace!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Andrew
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
New York's Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event
Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn't anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music...
Man: You're right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms... That was the zenith, Harold. This one -- I don't know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.
--52nd St
Overheard by: izzy
Aw, Fuck This -- Let's Just Play Strip Candyland Like Usual
Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me...
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half... Wait... You're in the back half, right?
--M79 crosstown bus, Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel
You, for Example, Are No Fucking Fun at All
Skinny girl: Overweight people have the best sense of humor. Skinny people--
Fat girl: --They're not funny.
Skinny girl: I don't know what it is about being fat.
--Alumni Hall elevator, NYU
Overheard by: zelda
Time for That Coming-Out Party
Guy #1: Man, I feel really, like, weird. I don't know how to explain it!
Guy #2: I do, man. One word: muchachos.
--Wall St
If It Were Real Love, She'd Be in His Top 8
Thug #1: Did you know her before?
Thug #2: That's the thing -- I just friend-requested her on MySpace the day before the party.
Thug #1 and #3, in unison: True love, nigga.
--McDonald's, 33rd & 7th
The People Who Brought You the Annual "Going Out of Business" Sale
20-something girl: So, I guess we are now officially corporate hos.
30-something man: Yeah, so now you have to learn to play tennis.
Girl passerby: What does that have to do with anything?
20-something girl: Then we can be corporate hos and tennis pros -- duh.
30-something man: We should do commercials... Why don't we work for an ad agency?!
--59th & Lex
I Don't Know Nothin' 'bout Birthin' No Movie
Tourist: What's the name of the movie?
Busy cameraman: Gone with the Wind, Part Two.
Tourist, walking away: Well, that's a smart-ass answer.
--Movie set, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: crew sympathizer
You Can Do This with Almost Any Song
Black kid #1, about "Benny and the Jets" on radio: Yo, Benny and the Jets, nigga!
Black kid #2, singing in tune: Benny and my balls!
--A train
If I Had Some Food, I Could Soak This Right Up
Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen -- I am hungry. I do not do drugs or drink. I am just in need of some money for food, and--
Woman, sitting down: --Excuse me, your bag is leaking on us!
Hobo, removing burst 40: Oh, fuck!
--F train
They're Heil-arious
Hipster #1: They're called what?
Hipster #2: Urban Youth. Like Hitler Youth, but funny.
--St. Mark's Pl
I Think I'm for It
Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...
--Townsend Harris High
And That I Took Those Two Hits of Acid Earlier
Older woman: What's the time, dear?
Teen girl: Two o'clock.
Old woman: Are you sure? It looks dark outside.
Teen girl, annoyed: Yes, I'm sure.
Man, overhearing: Actually, I think it's seven P.M.
Teen girl: Oh, right. I forgot we set the clocks back this weekend.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Arun
While I Listen to Beethoven's Fifth
Punk chick: So, what do you masturbate to?
Punk singer: What do you mean, what do I masturbate to?
Punk chick: Like, what do you look at?
Punk singer: I guess I look at my dick.
--CBGB
Overheard by: Jimmy Guthrie
How I Got Guilted into Running Marathons
Father to screaming toddler: Y'know, some people ran 26 miles today, and I'm only asking you to walk a block!
--Times Square
Her Kids Shop at Hot Topic and Think They're Badass
Tourist #1: Hmmm, I want to eat someplace funky...
Tourist #2: What about that? That looks funky.
Tourist #1: Mmm, no... Oh, look -- Cosi! Sandwiches, wine, and dessert. Now that looks funky. Let's go be crazy.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: CrazyMickey
Great, Now Stop Flinging Poo
Girl: Shut the fuck up, Josh!
Boy: You told me to be a fuckin' quiet monkey, and I'm being a fuckin' quiet monkey, and you tell me to shut the fuck up? I am a fucking quiet monkey!
--16th & 1st
Overheard by: Caroline
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don't need the fucking Seven Train!
--6 train
Overheard by: phenders
And Look Great Doing It
Girl #1: So, like, how does the story end?
Girl #2: I think they all get guillotined.
--Marie Antoinette showing, Clearview's Chelsea Cinema
Overheard by: Barbie and Bernie
And Yet If I Said "Bicycle," You'd Admire Me
Guy: I wanna get a horse and ride it all the way to L.A.
Girl: That might have been the most retarded sentence ever uttered.
--34th & 8th
Conspiracy to Commit Ignorance
12-year-old kid: Shit, man, dem niggas isn't shit.
Friend: Mmm-hm.
12-year-old kid: Shit, man... Man, I kill bofth dem niggas!
Friend: Mmm-hm, and I'd do it witcha.
12-year-old kid: Mmm-hm.
--188th & Hoffman, Bronx
Overheard by: why do i go to school in the Bronx?
Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?
Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It's so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It's one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G...
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall
Like Chaka Khan
Cashier woman: Put that down! Will you put that down?!
Cafeteria aid, holding an issue of The Source: Why should I? This ain't yours! You're, like, fifty!
Cashier woman: Shit, you don't know me. I might be a hip-hop granny.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: steve d.
And He Always Explodes Too Soon
Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can't go out with him.
Friend: Wait -- what's wrong with him shaving his head?
Cute blonde: Well, nothing in theory, but now he looks like a terrorist.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: uptown girl
Headline by: Sarah K
Runners-Up:
· "...Or Ghandi, Whichever." - Johnny
· "And He Wants Me to Call Him Britney in Bed" - Sim Etrias
· "And the Anthrax in His Apartment Is No Picnic Either" - Naked Lunch
· "Oh, Whew... I Thought You Said, "tourist"" - Rhadamanthus
· "Plus, I Wouldn't Qualify As One Of His 72 Virgins" - MarioRPG
· "Racial Profiling Is So Hot Right Now" - Fran
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Shut Up, T!
Old lady: My grandson Brad and his Jewish wife had a baby.
Old man: That's very nice. And they're all doing well?
Old lady: I guess.
Old man: What is the baby's name?
Old lady: I don't know. Some long Jewish name.
Teenager: They named her 'Amy,' Grandma. Her name is Amy.
--M42 bus
When I Have a Few Spare Minutes
Girl: So, what? You just, like, wait around to pick up Barnard girls?
Guy: Well... Yeah.
--1 train
She Won That Parcheesi Game Fair and Square
Little boy: She's just a freakin' cheater. That's all!
Old lady: Don't call your mother that.
--79th & 2nd
Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once... Boom!
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: ... And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, 'Does this prove something?!'
--Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy's crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
--Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don't think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
--Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
--Columbia University
Who's Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! ... That's fine. I'm mad at my dad anyway.
--Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
--86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I'm not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father's West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
--79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
--Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don'tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners
Lady on cell: So, I don't know if I should get a coffee table or a dog...
--Stanton & Essex
Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he's ugly. I think he's the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!
--25th & 7th
Asian chick on cell: ... Haha, yeah... Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it...
--107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.
--Hanover Square & Water St
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Meganator
The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners
Tech director: I don't need dirty, rusty, random screws.
--Lincoln Center Institute
Overheard by: Brina
Excitable Islamic Studies professor: ... And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed's wood exploded into flowers! Yes!
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?
--The Gap, Queens
Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!
--A train, Broadway Junction
Overheard by: amused
Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?
--6 train, 51st St
Overheard by: With a name like that......
Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback's nipple, and now my ass is wet.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry -- once I'm in, you won't even feel me.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
--Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
--3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho's Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don't know how to get rid of it.
--109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God -- thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I've been holding that in since lunch!
--Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can't because, y'know, you might shart? That's me right now. That's me.
--9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Still Don't Understand Crocs
Woman on cell: Well, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me what I'm wearing... Really short shorts and a long shirt.
--69th St & Columbus
Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.
--Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: ... And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, 'Why am I wearing a kimono?!'
--9th & 3rd
Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.
--Curly's Vegetarian Lunch
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
--27th & 7th
Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You'd Ever Hope to Find
Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it's a good thing you're such a nice guy, because if you weren't, you'd totally be an asshole.
--Lobby of Le Parker Meridien
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl: Oh my god, she's so nice. She's a chiropractor and a stripper!
--F train stop, Park Slope
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: kdice
Guy on cell: I know! I know! It's like getting laid! It's like getting laid! I mean, like, you're having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can't tell yet if she's gonna drop her skirt!
--Outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Sarah
20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You're such a nice person. Except when you're hungry.
--23rd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins
Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, 'Hey, how's it going, Jesus?'
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kanad
Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It's all good. Michael Jackson called it 'Jesus Juice.'
--Rockefeller Plaza subway
Overheard by: G-Lime
Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist...
--1 train
Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.
--23rd St, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: adam
20-ish guy: Let me get this straight -- it's spelled like 'Jesus,' but it's pronounced 'Hey-Seuss'? That's just weird.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, 'I want him to be my sugar daddy.' Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy's and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!
--4 train
Caution: Wednesday One-Liners at Work
Hardhat: Walk in the walkway, people! It's much safer! Watch out for the cabs! They hurt!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chunky Mexican hardhat: I might not have a million dollars, but I got a big fat dick to put in her ass.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Hardhat: Awright, look -- after lunch, I'll get you a grinder, and then we're having a three-way, okay?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hardhat on cell: So, when you say you want to cheat, do you mean a one-time thing, or is this something you plan on doing again and again?
--14th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Hardhat to another: Bitch, please! I asked for a pink soda! I'm not going to drink this shit!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Veronika LaRocque
Damp, Delicious Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: Is your vagina swelled to the same degree as my penis is swelled?
--Union Square
Overheard by: SayWhhhaat
40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagina?
--43rd & 3rd
Black guy on cell: This is why I never beg for pussy!
--Spring St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B
Girl: My vagina is the Lincoln Tunnel.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Kruta
13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy's good, but it ain't that good.
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: Rhonda hearts Queens
Chick on cell: I don't know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it's on fire. I'm never doing that again.
--92nd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner
Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.
--L train
Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book -- they would have made a lot more money.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: LetheaBu
Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was 'cause she was blind. Now it's like, 'Dude, she can read?!'
--Barnard College
NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.
--Starbucks, W 4th St
Overheard by: wine girl
Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I'm so senile.
--JFK
Overheard by: mr itchie
Book-hawking hobo: ... And this is my new book, 'If You Don't Beat Your Children, They'll End Up Like Me'!
--6 train
Overheard by: Zarek
Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'
--W 63rd St
Overheard by: JustVisiting
Woman to table of people: ... Although I'm pretty sure it says 'slut' in my medical file...
--Rolf's, 22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Ladle
JAP: You can't put a price on casual sex.
--110th & Broadway
Female employee on break, to man: I'm what's called a nymphomaniac. I'll do it anywhere -- on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A...
--NYU dining hall
Chick on cell: So yeah -- now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It's like the walk of shame drawn out for days... Hey, I can't help it if this keeps happening to me... I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.
--89th & Columbus
Overheard by: Lala
College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.
--Columbus Circle subway exit
Overheard by: confused by the definition
But I Feel Pretty
Hobo: Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty girl.
Girl he's staring at: Thank you.
Hobo: Not you! You ain't pretty!
--Crosstown bus
Says So on Her T-Shirt
Chick: Richard, I felt bad about what I said when I realized that Natia was sitting right next to me.
Richard: What did you say, Natalie?
Natalie: I said, 'I'm sick and tired of these terrorists.'
Richard: It's okay, Natalie. Natia is a Muslim, not a terrorist.
--Park Ave
Like the Hollywood Strings' Version of "Hey, Jude"?
NYU dude: Muffled i-Pod noises are the new elevator music.
NYU chick: I miss the old elevator music.
--Elevator, Silver Center, NYU
Cannot Identify Vulcans by Their Blood Color
Teacher: This is pretty darn green bromothymol blue.
Student: What color's it supposed to be?
Teacher: Um, bromothymol blue.
--Stuyvesant High
And I Think Male Deers Are Involved
NYU girl #1: Why do they call it 'Two Buck Chuck,' anyway?
NYU girl #2: Because 'buck' rhymes with 'Chuck.'
--Trader Joe's
Overheard by: someone who knows a popular nickname for Char
Give Me a Scotch and Soda, Hold the Scotch, and Throw in Some Caramel
Queer #1: Can I have Coke?
Waitress: We don't serve sodas here.
Queer #2: What about Diet Coke?
--Bliss Café, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sillyrabbit
There's No Right Time to See "Losing Louie"
Overdressed ticket agent: So, Losing Louie got awful reviews, but if we've learned nothing else, it's to never see a show about a funeral the day after a funeral.
Appropriately dressed ticket agent: Yeah, that must be rough... Like that time I saw Wicked right after my friend melted.
--915 Broadway
To Break Away from His Family's Bacon Business Took Guts
Dorky black kid #1: Dude, I'm a rebel.
Dorky black kid #2: Like James Dean?
Dorky black kid #3: Haha, bitch, you make sausage!
--6 train
Overheard by: Rebel WiithOut a Cause
It Will Also Take Away Your Blemishes and Adam's Apple
JAP #1, after #2 took her picture: Ugh! Doesn't the camera add 50 pounds?!
JAP #2: No, I changed it so it wouldn't do that anymore.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
More Than Eight Spices? Some of Those Must Be Duplicates
Tourist spawn #1: Oooh! Mommy, look at that! An eyeball cushion! Can we go in?
Tourist spawn #2: Yeah! Mommy, can we go in?
Tourist mother: No! Any time there is a bunch of strange stuff in a store, you know it is expensive.
--292 Lafayette St
Myra Began to See How It Might Be Fun
Girl #1, reading menu: Cheese and onion pasties...
Girl #2: How can that be true?
--The Cake Shop
Overheard by: Ryan
The Basic Premise of Every Real World Season to Date
White girl dressed like a thug: Yo, reality's on the line!
White girl dressed like a skeleton: And it says that you're a racist!
--East Campus, Columbia University
Overheard by: Nia
How Many Women Does It Take to Change Them?
Woman #1: Are his balls brown?
Woman #2: No, they're light like mine.
--The Village
Overheard by: Amy
Guy Has Never Taken a Close Look at His Scrotum
Girl: You gotta get over this whole 'everything grosses you out' thing. What did you do when your girlfriend had a yeast infection?
Guy: Ew, stop it.
Girl: And what are you gonna do when your wife gets pregnant? All those gross things that go along with being pregnant -- morning sickness, leaky breasts, weird food cravings. Are you ready to watch your wife eat a ham and scallop sandwich with tartar sauce?
Guy: Ewww!
Girl: And you know what else pregnant women get? You ready for this? Hemorrhoids!
Guy: Oh my god, I'm gonna puke.
--Sushi Ya, W 56th St
Overheard by: Just wanted some tempura
Not Target-Good, Anyway
Skinny brunette: ... And Michelle screamed at me! I mean, like, seriously! What's her problem?!
Hot guy, tapping Rolex: We have to go! I need to use the bathroom!
Skinny brunette: Oh, just piss in the bushes. It's not like this is a good store or anything.
--Outside Bergdorf Goodman's
Overheard by: Caley
To Clarify: "I Do Not Know Where London Is."
Foreign exchange student: So, Claudia, since your boyfriend's modeling career is taking off, have you thought of ever going abroad?
Latina: Nah, not really.
Foreign exchange student: Well, you could go to London.
Latina: Ohhh, no. I don't got the time to learn the language.
Foreign exchange student: But Claudia, it's England -- they speak English!
Latina: Well, you know what I mean.
--Fashion Institute of Technology
If You Want to Get Thrown to the Rats
Child: Mommy, look! Do you see that rat?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy, look! Do you see that piece of paper?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy! Can I bite you?!
Mother: Yes.
--PATH
You Should Never Dick around with Your Health
Girl buying coffee, coughing: I hate this throat. It's a piece of shit!
Guy buying Red Bull: You know what helps with that?
Girl: Please don't say 'cock' again.
Guy, flustered and laughing: What I was going to say was 'cough syrup.'
Male cashier, laughing: $8.98's your change.
--Christopher St
Exact Moment in Time When "Nigga" Finally Lost Every Shred of Its Former Meaning
Kid #1, listening to friend's ringtones: What the fuck is this?
Kid #2: That's John Mayer! Don't you know who John Mayer is?
Kid #1: [Stares silently.]
Kid #2: John Mayer! He's huge! [Turns to address rest of train] Don't you know who John Mayer is? John Mayer is the nigga!
--A train
I Confirm All My Reality These Days
Hobo: Hey, is this a movie theater?
Woman behind counter: Yeah. What did you think it was?
Hobo: A movie theater.
--Sunshine Theaters, Houston
Overheard by: Jonathan Rosenblit
Turns Out She Only Has One Head After All
Lush guy: I didn't even recognize his sister. She looked a little different.
Lush chick: Because you were sober?
Lush guy: Yeah, that's it!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Jess McGins
But after a While, I'd Tell Him I Was Dieting
Teen girl #1: What if chocolate came out of dicks?
Teen girl #2: Well, then I'd pay him five dollars!
--Union Square
Headline by: MarioRPG
Runners-Up:
· "A Fine Example Of a Win-win Situation" - mike
· "I'm a Dick and Chocolate Comes Out Of Me About Twice a Day." - Redneck Jedi
· "R. Kelly Trains 'Em Young" - haz
· "We Could Stop Renting Those Party Fountains" - Golf Widow
· "Willy Wonka's Splendifferous Splooge" - MiaMiaPantsonFia
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There Won't Be Any New Exhibits Until Next Month
Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can't be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don't be sayin' shit. Let's be out -- I don't wanna go to jail today.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Or a Shot to the Liver
College girl #1: God, I'm so hot.
College girl #2: Yeah, I need a cold drink -- something really cold.
College girl #1: Like a shot of vodka...
--Union Square
Overheard by: thirsty
Permission Denied!
Short scene girl: I'm trying to bring back the bandanna. For sure. It makes me look like a bandit, no?
Tall scene girl: Oh, but of course. Myself, I'm trying to bring back the side pony.
Fat girl: How about the vest? Can I bring back the vest? Hmmm?
Other girls, in unison: Shut the fuck up.
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: Kelly
Did She Give You Milk and Cookies?
Bearded hipster: ... And so I walked into this bar, and this chick just jumped on me and was like, 'I love your beard!' I was the only one with a beard, y'know?
Friend: Dude, you look like Santa Claus at, like, age seventeen.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: prefers clean-chaven men
That Might Be Best
Drama queen, looking at watch: I hope you're happy. We missed our train.
Stressed mother: Okay, okay... Let's just look at the board and see when the next train into Stamford IS.
Drama queen: Mo-ooom...
Stressed mother: Listen, Bethany, I can't help it if the cab driver couldn't speak English and took us to the wrong place.
Drama queen: I think we both know that we're late because you're a fatass and had to stop at Starbucks.
Stressed mother: Bethany, enough.
Drama queen: Mom, I am a child model. I make more money than you do, and I could probably figure out the damn train if you'd let me.
Stressed mother: Enough.
Drama queen: If we don't get back to Vermont by nine o'clock tonight, I'm never speaking to you again.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
But the Pressure of Your Gaze Is Unwelcome
Thugette #1: I don't care if Jake is smaller than him -- I ain't lettin' him in my ass.
Thugette #2: You can cum from it. [Cool British guy turns to look at them as he passes.]
Thugette #1: What you looking at?
Cool British guy: Would you really like me to answer that?
Thugette #1, sheepishly: No.
--Times Square
Think We Saw Pearl Harbor Coming?
Japanese teacher: So the 'sou desu' form is used when you want to say something seems like something else. Like, Tanaka San seems happy -- you could say 'Tanaka San wa ureshisou desu.'
Student #1: What if he's smiling and he just won the lottery? Would you have to say he seems happy, or could you say that he is happy?
Japanese teacher: Well, you are not Tanaka San -- he could find the money to be a burden -- so you'd have to use 'sou desu.'
Student #2: What if he's yelling that he's happy?
Japanese teacher: He could be lying. You never know with Tanaka San...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
But at Least You've Gotten That Whole "Chicken of the Sea" Thing Straight Now, Right?
Girl #1: I am, like, so dumb. I mean, really dumb. People look at me and think I'm dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah...
--Central Park
They're Well Past Her at "Almost Pretty"
Almost pretty girl #1: Wow, I look just like Paris Hilton.
Almost pretty girl #2: You wish you looked like Paris Hilton.
Almost pretty girl #1: I do, actually.
--N train
Let Me Call My Twin Brother
Woman: Sir, how much for your peacock?
Man with handful of peacock feathers: Ten bucks.
Woman: Well, then I'll take two!
--15th St, between 1st & 2nd
Tony: Stop Objectifying Me!
Redhead: And look -- he gave me a hickey last night.
Man: I thought he was gay.
Redhead: He is.
Man: Oh, good. I was afraid my radar stopped working.
Guy behind them: I was going to say, 'He deserves a fucking Oscar for his gayness.' Or Tony. Whatever.
--55th St, between 2nd & 3rd
It's Always Been Gay
Latino: I took my kids to that gay pride parade they have down here. Rainbow flags everywhere. Man, you guys stole our flag!
Queer: Whose flag? Puerto Rico's?
Latino: What?
Queer: What was the rainbow flag before it was gay?
Latino: I don't know.
--BarMinnow, 9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Guess I stole his flag too
Straight Outta Disney, Y'all
Little boy: I saw Bambi at Adam's house, and did you know that Bambi's mother died?
Black nanny: I didn't know that. How did she die?
Little boy: She was shot.
Black nanny: Damn. That's some Compton shit right there.
--83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: flower and thumper were strapped
Is That How Identity Theft Works?
College guy #1: Did Dwayne go home this weekend?
College guy #2: Yeah. Like a bitch.
College guy #1: I think we should just call him Drew. Then nobody will know who he is.
--School of Visual Arts dorm
Psych! I Know You Used to Have a Career.
David Lee Roth: Hey, kid, you want a ticket to Van Halen?
20-something: Sure, sounds good.
David Lee Roth: Psych! Get the fuck out of here, kid.
Bouncer, to 20-something: You know that was David Lee Roth, right?
20-something, turning to David Lee Roth: Holy shit, you're the guy from the Adam Sandler song!
--Outside Scores, 60th & 1st
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Cardiology's Nowhere Near As Helpful As That
Woman: Her daddy is a cardiologist. Do you know what a cardiologist does?
Little boy: Yeah, they cut off people's ears and send them to Australia.
--75th St & Riverside Dr
Overheard by: must be a body part shortage down under
If You Can't Torment Your Kids, Who Can You Torment?
WASP lady: Look, Dylan! We're in the subway! It's subterranean -- that means we're going to see those subterranean guys!
Five-year-old: Subterranean guys? Whaaat?!
WASP lady: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! [Puts scarf over eyes, like a mask.]
Five-year-old: Holy shit, my god! Fuck nooo!
--Penn Station
I Also Need to Look into Becoming 2-Dimensional
Ghetto girl: You see Eva Longoria in this picture, and then you see her in this picture -- she looks so different without her makeup!
Guy with wife: Yeah, airbrushing will do it every time.
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I need to get one of those airbrush machines.
--Lugo's Mecca of Hair
It Was Then That the Truth Came Out about Their Quiet Next-Door Neighbor, Mr. Danish
Young boy, pointing at stack of apple danishes: Mom! Mom! I wanna eat a danish!
Mom: Stanley, you can't eat cheese, and you can't eat apples. You know this.
Young boy, exasperated: I know! But I can eat danish!
--Washington Ave & Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: xander
Damn You, Emo, with Your Googly Eyes and Red Fur
Hipster chick: God, stop being so emo!
Non-hip guy: I am not emo! [Stops and thinks.] I didn't even like that movie. Fuckin' fish.
--St. Mark's Pl
I've Heard Her Stuff, She Needs All The Help She Can Get
Rocker girl: Why should I buy music on iTunes when everything I have on my iPod I've gotten for free on the Internet?
Rocker guy: The songs are only 99 cents, and you'd be helping out the musicians...
Rocker girl: But I am a musician - I'm helping myself out!
--Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: Gunnar
Sir, What's That Bulge in Your Pants?
Dude #1: Hey, you want a hot dog?
Dude #2: No, I'm good.
Dude #1, about absent vendor: The guy isn't there. I was gonna take the whole thing.
--Yankee Stadium
Just Suicide
Girl: It was the awkward moment of all awkward moments.
Guy friend, dreamily: I don't believe in awkward moments.
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: Larry
And the Luckiest Girl I Know
Girl with big hair: It was absolutely crazy.
Friend: I bet it was.
Girl with big hair: It was so messed up. Seriously, it was totally banana-whacked.
Friend: She's banana-whacked. She's a banana-whacked slut.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Juliet
You Never Have a Penis!
LI girl #1: Want to make out?
LI girl #2, angrily: No! We've been down that road before, Meghan!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Climate Changer
Hardly Ever with Other People's Husbands, Though
Girl #1: Ugh! I hate her! She's such a good little girl -- always following the rules... Makes me sick.
Girl #2: I try to follow the rules. Do you hate me?
Girl #1: Nah, you do anal... I figure that balances it out.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: avgjoe
You Still Have to Learn to Read, Pal
Little kid: The sss...
Mother: The Sneetches.
Little kid: Sneetches and uhhh...
Mother: Other.
Little kid: Other sss...
Mother: Stories by Dr. Seuss.
Little kid: Seuss is dead.
--Outside Babbo's Books
Decades of Feminism, Down the Tubes
Guy: I don't know if I actually agree with you.
Girl: So, what are ovaries if not inverted testicles?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Seth J.
Sad Truth: He Did Know -- He Just Wanted to Make His Home Life Sound Exotic
Diner: That's an interesting accent. Are you Jamaican?
Waiter: No, I'm from Trinidad.
Diner: Oh! My sister spent a year in Kenya!
Waiter: You know that Trinidad is in the Caribbean, right?
Diner: Oh. No, I guess I didn't.
--Alice's Teacup Restaurant, 73rd & Columbus
Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera
Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that's all.
Black chick: That's fuckin' ign'ant, man.
--106th & 2nd
He Got His Start Pulling Strings of Paper Out of His Mouth as a Circus Performer
Suit #1: I hope they don't go ahead and give these crappy ideas to the client.
Suit #2: That's why we have jobs -- because I can pull this shit out of my ass faster than they can.
--42nd & Broadway
Since When Is That "New" in the Bronx?
Black chick, hysterical: Hahaha, and what did the guy say -- hahaha -- when he fell from the building? Hahaha, what he say?
Black dude: Um... I don't know...
Black chick: Hahaha, he said, 'Ouch!' Hahaha, I'm so hyper!
Black dude: Yo, there's a new energy drink -- it's called crack.
--Hunter College, 8th floor balcony
Overheard by: Liza
Ah, the Eternal Question
Blonde: So, I went home for Thanksgiving, and my grandmother told me that only ugly girls apply to grad school, because they can't find a husband. Then she said she would pay for me to get a boob job so I could find a husband.
Adoring friend: Wow, your grandma is so cool!
Blonde: Yeah, but like, I wouldn't know how big to get them, 'cause I don't want back problems or anything, but I've always wanted boobs!
--NYU bus
Overheard by: Sarah
Thanks, Brainiac -- Now We'll Never Know What His Cock Was Like
Blonde sex addict: I mean, I met him at my AA meeting. That's truly what kept me going there.
Brunette sex addict: Hey, whatever keeps you in the program.
Blonde sex addict: Yeah, but after we made love the third time, I just knew he was a survivor of incest, and since I am a survivor I can just tell. I mean, he didn't tell me or anything, but I knew.
Brunette sex addict: Oh... But was the sex good?
Blonde sex addict: Ohhh, yeah. I mean, it was hot -- since we are both addicts. I mean, his cock was sooo--
Father with four young kids, interrupting: --Stop! Have you people no souls?!
Blonde sex addict: ... So, yeah -- I'll be at the meeting Friday and Monday, too...
--1 train, after a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting
Guy Said He Was Done with It
Guy: I have to go to the drug store. I'm all out of condoms.
Girl: I found one on the subway!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: nex0s
Also, I May Need to Be Changed
Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?
--Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Tabitha
Unassailable Logic: A NYC Short Story
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let's go!
--N train
Overheard by: Julia
Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up
Salad guy: I have bleu cheese and goat cheese, too.
Customer: What's bleu cheese?
Salad guy: It's a sad cheese.
--Hale & Hearty Soup
Finally, Maybe She'll Get Rid of That Goiter
Lady: Maybe we should go get some soup for your daughter instead of the vegetable Tempura.
Mother of young girl: Why?
Lady: Because she's not eating the vegetables -- she's just drinking the Tempura sauce.
Mother: Oh. That's fine.
--Food court, Mall
No One Wants to Drink with Congressmen
Twink #1: What's that place across the street like?
Twink #2: Ugh. A total Foley bar.
Twink #1: Ew.
--Outside The Hanger Bar, Christopher St
Overheard by: Joe Jervis
And I Added Some Mad Hillary Duff Tunes As My Background Music, Bro
Thug #1: Yo, what's really good?
Thug #2: Yo, man, I added you to my 'Top Eight' today.
Thug #1: No doubt!
--F train
Overheard by: cindy
Because That's the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off
Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo' mama's coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin' in my mom's cooch for?!
--Kingsborough Community College
Good Manners Sometimes Skip Two Generations
Daughter, loudly licking her fingers: Wow! That was great!
Mother: Stop that!
Daughter: What? It was good...
Mother: Stop that! It is not appropriate.
Daughter: Would you lower your voice?!
Mother: No, what you're doing is disgusting!
Daughter: Please keep your voice down. It's embarrassing!
Mother: No, not until you stop smacking your lips! Do you do that when you're out with your friends? They must be embarrassed when you do that.
Daughter: Um, no, we all do it.
--Virgil's BBQ
Overheard by: trying hard not to laugh
I'm a New Yorker. Everything Is about Me.
Hot chick #1: So, I'm doing the AIDS walk this year with my sister...
Hot chick #2: Oh, cool! I'll totally sponsor you!
Hot chick #1: Oh, no, that's okay -- you already bought a gift for my puppy shower.
Hot chick #2: It's not about you, Samantha, it's about AIDS!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: About me
That's Also a Preview of My Valedictory Address
Teacher: Ben, you got a six out of ten. That's not great.
Ben: Mr. L*, I'm gonna tell you my life motto. It is, 'If you push me over the edge, I will grab you by the neck and pull you down with me... And then push you into Hell.'
--Bronx Science
It's Best We Lower Our Expectations for Him Early
Father buying lightsaber: Just drop it! He wanted this one!
Mother: But it's the dark side! You're not supposed to join the dark side!
--Toys "R" Us
Actually, He Knows Exactly What He's in For
Brit: How drunk are you right now?
Chick: Well, if I slept with him, I probably would remember it.
Brit: Probably?
Chick: Yeah -- like, you know, when you have sex and you wake up in the middle of it and you're like, 'What the fuck is going on?'
Brit: Ummm, like when you're being raped?
Chick: No, like when you blackout and wake up in the middle of boning. I don't think I'm that drunk, though.
Brit: Wow, he has no idea what he's in for tonight!
--Nolita House
Overheard by: MC
Even Though I'm in This Business for the "Pussy" Puns
Lady: Are these cats for sale?
Man selling cats on the street: I'll be set up in half an hour. Come back then. [Lady walks away.] And bring your cigarettes with you so we can inhale your cancer! [Turning to two teen onlookers.] Not everything I say is a pick-up line.
--84th & Broadway
Overheard by: Non-smoker
Mother Nature Gets Her Period
Woman #1: Don't step on those leaves!
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: This is why I don't come to Manhattan -- all these goddamn trees. I hate leaves.
--Grand & Essex
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: Gunther
Runners-Up:
· "But I Love the Black Gum Splotches On The Sidewalk" - Naked Lunch
· "Hobos, on the Other Hand, Are Manhattan's Welcome Mat" - Kristin
· "In Jersey We Don't Have to Put Up with This Crap" - PeterG
· "There's Nothing a New Yorker Won't Hate" - Volante
· "This Is Why I Hate Leaving the Bunker." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Grits? Gross!
Black guy #1: I just realized this is a long-ass ride! It's like 15 minutes!
Black guy #2: Shut up, nigga.
Black guy #1: Is that your breath I smell? It smells like you ate roast beef with a side of shit... and grits.
--1 train
Overheard by: DC
Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
Student #1: When you walk through Chinatown, they push and shove right through you!
Student #2: Yeah, but you can't get mad at them, because they do it to each other. It's, like, cultural. [Students look over at a woman as she gets elbowed in the face by an old Asian man when he rubs his eye.]
Student #1: Cultural... Cultural...
--Brooklyn-bound F train
I Was Told to Get Off at the Black Dot
B&T Yankee fan, staring at subway map: It's stopping at all of them... It skipped three. How do you know where it stops?
Conductor: 59th Street, transfer here for the N, R, Q, W, and Six.
B&T Yankee fan, still staring at map: Maybe we should get off here? Is this the one we got off last time? Maybe we should have taken the A. It goes right to Penn, right? Does this not stop at the black dots?
--4 train
Overheard by: Jess McGins -- I eventually intervened
Wednesday One-Liners for the Pod People
Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jekke
Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod... Yeah, it's awesome! All I need now is a job, and I'm totally set!
--Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Pedro Van
Dude: I think my iPod's gay.
--23rd St F stop
Overheard by: Eliot
Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?... iPod! I am thinking, 'He is going to lose his pants!' And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, 'Why he not dead yet?'
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!
--Crowded A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners
Queer to another: It's okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don't, and I've done it a lot.
--L train
Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, 'Oh, God, I hope he doesn't pee on me!'
--Mott & Bayard St
Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It's like the door to a secret land or something!
--Education building, NYU
Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!
--Lincoln Center
Girl: Can you hold this while I... release my urine?
--The Met
You Really Shouldn't Joke about Wednesday One-Liners
Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I've ever met.
--Penn Station
Biker dude: I'm a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can't be racist!
--Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A
Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it's like the fucking Holocaust in here.
--1 train
Overheard by: Stella Blue
Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it's the 'Holocaust.' We should start calling it the 'Jollycaust.'
--Strand Bookstore
Blonde tourist: The date was okay... I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like... racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.
--Crowded M96 crosstown bus
Overheard by: Socky
Watch Where You're Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner
Woman to another: Yeah, that's true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Will Couchon
Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].
--Varick & King St
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels... But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!
--D train
Overheard by: keeeem
Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I'll take you home and bite you! I'll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!
--Broadway & Liberty
Overheard by: ouch ouch
White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm...
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: jules
Grungy middle-aged man: I'm picking my nose! I'm picking my nose!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches
20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Bimbette on cell: ... So I got downstairs and realized I wasn't wearing pants!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: yeah happens all the time
Old lady to teen boy: ... And so you wear girl pants?!
--10th & 5th
Overheard by: Steph
20-ish chick to dad: I don't have Alzheimer's -- I just wear the pants.
--Schubert Alley
Overheard by: Kerry
Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, 'Could I have two dollars for a metro card?' And that's how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that's how she bought a new pair of pants, but I'm pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants... But it was for bud.
--Manhattan-bound R train
Overheard by: Maggie
Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too -- into your pants! Okay, that was childish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck
Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what's going on.
Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed -- maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!
--B train
Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!
--Union Square
Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can't help it that I'm a chicken!
--90th & Lex
Overheard by: Zach
Hospital employee to another: You see, I don't call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.
--Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side
Overheard by:
Guy to girl: So you'd rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you're telling me?
--Columbia University
Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: That? Oh, that's nothing. It's just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wish I'd caught that last word
Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff...
--Columbia University classroom
Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative
Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There's over five thousand tigers to choose from.
--W 4th & Jones
Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I'm a monkey.
--NYU Cantor Center
Overheard by: NYU student
Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?
--113th St
Overheard by: McFreaky
Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.
--Stuyvesant High
WASP on cell: I said 'camels.' He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.
--Metro-North
All the World's a Wednesday One-Liner
Elderly man to wife: Well, I haven't read the review yet, but I think I liked it!
--Second Stage Theatre, after Euridice performance, 43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate McVety
Girl on cell: There needs to be a Mean Girls musical, and you have to be in it.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Director: You know, I think we'll actually leave the movie projector on stage for the whole show, as a metaphor or some shit.
--Great Jones St
Old lady to daughter during production of Vinegar Tom: You always bring me to the dirtiest shows!
--Center for the Arts, College of Staten Island
Aspiring actor on cell: The good thing about this play is-- No, it's not just me. The really great thing about this play is the sex.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: if the sex is with him, count me in
Chick, about play where leading lady gets raped: Why is everyone like, 'Oh my god, she was raped!' Rape has happened forever. Sooo many people get raped -- this isn't a shocker. Why are we spending all our time talking about this part of the play? I mean, rape happens.
--Silver Center, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: sizzle
Older woman: So, what's the name of that 'chaperone' play? 'The Dirty Chaperone'? Oh, well. They will know which one I mean.