Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
January 2008 Archives
Do What Kathy Griffin Does -- Rip on Renee Zellweger
Dad: The invitation says five-thirty, but it probably won't start until six.
Little girl: Six? I don't understand -- why do they make everyone rush to get here, and then we just have to wait?
--Miss Potter premiere, DGA Theater, 57th & 6th
There Would Be No Further Booty Calls for Ian
American woman: I heard this song the other day -- the lyrics were great.
British man: Hm?
American woman: It was almost as good as that one song -- you know, that one that goes, 'Ain't no call like a booty call, 'cause a booty call just don't stop.'
British man: Uh-huh.
American woman: The lyrics are all, 'Looove is my religion. I'll take you to the temple tonight.'
British man: Wow... Let's just try to make some more really shitty metaphors, why don't we?
--Choga, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Alice
I Don't Forgive Mel, and I Don't Forgive You
College stoner: Wouldn't it be awesome if, instead of being Oedipus's mother, Jocasta was Wal-Mart or some other embodiment of the commercial-industrial complex? And, instead of blinding himself with his mother-wife's brooches, Oedipus stabs himself in the eyes with his name tag pin? Like, I wonder what that all would mean, dude. You ever think about that?
Studious black friend: Wow. Pretentious much? Or are you just hashed right now?
College stoner: Hashed, man. Totally. What were we talking about, again? Oh, yeah!
--The Strand, Union Square
Overheard by: neongensis
Where Jeopardy! Winners Come From
Mom pushing stroller: ... And how do you spell 'Loch Ness'?
Four-year-old boy: L, um... L-O, um... um... L-O-C-H-N-E-S-S
--17th St & Irving Pl
You're Not Worth It. We Spit in Toronto's Coffee Now
Barista guy to girl wearing Red Sox hat: What do we have here? A Red Sox fan? What are you doing in this city? You don't belong here. Hey, what's your name? Hey! Are you ignoring me?
Red Sox girl: I'm sorry, did you say something?
Barista guy: Yeah, I was talking about your hat -- it sucks.
Red Sox girl: Yeah, whatever. You didn't spit in my latte or anything, did you?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Snooper
They Stopped Reading after "Do Unto Others"
20-ish Yankees fan #1: ... And I told him, 'Dude, you have a penis -- use it.'
20-ish Yankees fan #2: That's kinda like rape.
20-ish Yankees fan #3: Remember when there were all those pictures of the American soldiers torturing Iraqis?
20-ish Yankees fan #2: Yeah, that was awesome.
--42nd St
Overheard by: GoRedSox
The UN Delegates from North and South Korea Are at It Again
Woman: I mean, chicken nuggets go straight to your ass.
Man: At least my tits don't sag.
--42nd & 8th
Does Penney's Even Carry Rubber?
Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.
--JCPenney bridal registry
He'll Forget It, Though; She Won't
Girl: I'm sorry I kicked you into a VIP table. I love you.
Guy: I'm sorry I called you a slut. I love you, too.
--L train
If by "Discount Shopping" You Mean "Anonymous Barebacking"
Young girl with Texan accent #1: What's Soho?
Young girl with Texan accent #2: Oh, that's like where they have all the discount shopping places.
--R train
Headline by: dan
Runners-Up:
· "Bush Twins.......Activate!" - stephie
· "In Texas, We Call It Mexico..." - Michael Haigh
· "There's a Wal-Mart in SoHo?" - Chuckles
· "They Were Disappointed with DUMBO, Too." - nick
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
White People Come to Understand Hip Hop Very Gradually Indeed
American: Americans call the last letter in the alphabet 'zee,' but in Britain they call it 'zed.'
Swede: Oh! That's why Jay-Z is pronounced 'Jay Zee' and not 'Jay Zed'!
--JFK
The Truth Is Too Boring to Tell
Lady in SUV shouting out window: What's everyone standing in line for?
Hipster guy in line: Free Kittens!
Lady in SUV: What?
Hipster guy: Rolling Stones!
Lady in SUV: Oh.
--Art exhibition, Spring St
Overheard by: namatovu
But Don't Quit Your Day Job
30-something mom: Here we are. Here we are. Get it? Here we arrre.
Five-year-old daughter: That's a good one, Mommy.
--R train station, Union St
Overheard by: Tacologic
Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein
Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!
--Fordham University
Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.
--JFK
Overheard by: spanky
Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!
--Highline Ballroom
Hootchie on cell: No joke -- it smelled ripe down there. I be all, 'Jimmy... D-A-M-N! I'm too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.'
--W Broadway
Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!
--Union Square
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
Thug on cell: Yo, I'm sure she smells better now, bro!
--Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: mj
People Move to New York to Escape Their Wednesday One-Liners
Man introducing lady friend to pal: This is Lucille, my ex-wife... She's my second cousin... She was also my second wife.
--136th St, Harlem
Middle-aged woman: I have such a bad memory! I know, I know. I know. There are times I go to my daughter, 'How do I spell my name?'
--D train
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Loud woman on cell: She's evil! Don't you know she killed mama? That's the family secret!
--Q83 bus
Overheard by: It's Jady, BiTChesss!!
Guy talking on cell: I completely understand that she was pissed off, but I mean, come on! She did hit her sister in the head with an iron!
--11th Ave
Lady: So, I bought my niece a gift. I don't know why... She's such an ungrateful little bitch.
--Grand Central
Man on cell: ... So she said, 'There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just gonna say it... You have a four-year-old son.'
--26th & Park
Overheard by: Nick
Wanna Buy a Bridge, Wednesday One-Liners?
10-year-old tourist kid: Mom, is Brooklyn famous for its graffiti?
--Coney Island-bound D train
Overheard by: BB
White guy, pointing: Over there in Brooklyn three-year-olds just, like, walk around!
--Delancey & Essex
Overheard by: Red Hair
Guy walking through bar: What's with Brooklyn and beards?
--Union Hall, Park Slope
Overheard by: jasonjason
Guy: Brooklyn is the middle borough in terms of goodness.
--Kosher Delight
Thugette to double decker tour bus: Brooklyn! Brooklyn! You're taking a tour of Brooklyn! I just got out of jail!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Staying on the bus....
Wednesday One-Liners Are Here to Fix the Cable
Guy: So, I saw this video online of a chick who tied her beef curtains in a knot...
--Astor Pl
Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dissertation and just write erotica?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Chick: My favorite porn line, and possibly my favorite movie line ever, is, 'Suck it, my queen. Suck it.'
--Grand Sichuan, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Intern to another: They do too make gay pornography!
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Nicolas Agrait
Cube neighbor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out -- get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has closets and closets full of it!
--Midtown
20-something woman on cell: I may be too analytical for erotica.
--Outside Century 21
Overheard by: McFreaky
Wednesday One-Liners Read Overheard in the Office
Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.
--R train, Lexington Ave stop
Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn't let me do this at my old job?!
--Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th
Overheard by: Lezbotron
IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!
--Office, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: beans
I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don't get bonuses.
--Metro-North
Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it's all your fault!
--Times Square
30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.
--New Year's Eve concert
Overheard by: Smash
Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there's a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack... and other stuff... on the back of the train.
--Church Ave
Overheard by: Katie & Jaime
Teen girl, to older woman: You 'posed to eat. Ain't 'posed to smoke no rock!
--Classon & DeKalb
Queer in RA's office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins -- we were in Amsterdam -- and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that's when they started kicking in...
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story
Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.
--10th St & Stuyvesant
Guy on cell: I'm at Stuy High... Whaddya mean ya don't know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed's at!
--Near Stuyvesant High
Man to concerned woman: Don't think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: amused priest
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Learn On
Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I'll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]
--F train
Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A's.
--Diner, Chelsea
Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher...
--Dishes Restaurant, 45th St
Overheard by: Literate
Teen: No lie, my nigga -- I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!
--Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk
Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann's... Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes... Please...
--Chinatown
Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners of Your Own
Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride 'The Earthquake.' You like that? ... Well, see, you're too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.
--A train
Overheard by: Stephie
Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don't know how to hustle! You ain't no hustler, she ain't no hustler... No hustlin'.
--137th & Broadway
Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?
Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!
--F train at Broadway-Lafayette
Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I'll throw you. Then I ain't gotta buy you no Power Ranger.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: autumn
Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.
--Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Ryn
Mom: Boy, don't you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don't behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I'll call Santa on yo' misbehavin' ass.
--BX 21 bus
Woman holding child's hand: You're my daughter, right? Okay, good.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Nervous
Wednesday One-Liners Join the AARP
Old guy with gray hair: I used to be an old guy with gray hair!
--Mott & Canal St
Overheard by: Will
80-year-old man: What is rough sex? Do I put her against the wall? I don't know.
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Liz
Old lady struggling to get layers of scarves and coats off: I'm not used to having to put clothes on.
--New York Historical Society
Old lady on cell: Old people like sex! I'm 85, and I still like me some sex!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: imerikaf
75-year-old lady to hobo on bench: Oh, wow, you look so cozy!
--Central Park
Old man with cane to 20-ish girl who just nabbed the cab he hailed: Happy holidays, you dumb bitch!
--62nd & 2nd
Old white guy: Fo' shizzle!
--Outside Nederlander Theatre
Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won
Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, 'Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!'
--Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority
Overheard by: Kevin
20-ish guy on cell: Yeah... Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn't get my money! Ma... Yeah, Ma, you know I don't care!
--Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: The Simian Space Man
Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].
--2 train
Overheard by: Ladle
[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]
Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should've been more careful, or what?!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Susan Laura
Chick: So, I'm up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, 'Okay, time to go!' and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going 'whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop' -- like, he's making siren noises -- and I turn around, and there's this cop... I guess the siren on his cop car wasn't working or something, so he's on the loudspeaker mic yelling, 'Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!' as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?
20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city...
--Fulton St
Overheard by: other white girls
Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain't nothin' but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!
--Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bubby
Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!
--PATH platform
Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I'm surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin' at me... I dunno what they're lookin' at.
--JFK
Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway
Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that's why I don't like this show. I've got too much soul for this.
--Madison Square Garden
Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it's something that's taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist... but what's up with white people?!
--D train
I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!
Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the 'Fasten seatbelt' sign... That includes all passengers in row nine... That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo... Yes, thank you, and have a great day.
--JFK
Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan... I'm from South Carolina. We do something special there -- we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I've got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you're thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue -- it's safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.
--JFK
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Flight attendant: ... And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Sheffler
Flight attendant: ... And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.
--JFK
Overheard by: Ardbeg78
Pilot: Well, folks, I'm sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.
--United flight, JFK
Overheard by: clueless about electronics
Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo'self a good time!
--JFK
Overheard by: Nancy L.
It's a Mad, Mad World
10-year-old, about two girls walking by: Yo, she's mad tall! And she's mad short! That's mad crazy!
Passerby: I agree!
--Houston & Ave A
Overheard by: The short one.
Gonna Be a Voyage of Discovery, People
Conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound R train... No! J train... This is a Brooklyn-bound N train. Next stop, DeKalb Avenue. [Passengers laugh.]
--N train, Canal St
Overheard by: Bridgettttttttt
New Yorkers Have No Time for Set Theory
Tourist lady: So, this is New York...
Chick: No. This is Manhattan.
--R train
Overheard by: miraclemidgit
And You're the One with the PhD
Girl #1: If I were pregnant, when would I start throwing up? I mean, like, where can I get an abortion? Will they tell my parents?
Girl #2: I don't know. Why does everyone always ask me?
Boy: 'Cause you're a whore.
--6th & 2nd
Overheard by: kristin
No One Expects the Empire State Building
Nun #1: Can you believe that?
Nun #2: Oh my god, no!
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: stef
Sasha Cohen: I Am a Fucking Olympian, Dickwad
Midwestern man, about woman spinning in center of ice rink: Awww, someone's reflecting on times passed.
New Yorker: Look at that chick in the middle -- thinks she's a fuckin' Olympian! [Yells at her] Nice work, retard!
--Rockefeller Center
Only If There's Scratching and Hair-Pulling in the Dramatic Re-Enactment
Teacher: ... And you'll finish up the unit on slavery with a project about a historical figure in the slavery era.
7th grader: Can I do mine on Thomas Jefferson's baby's mama?
--University Neighborhood Middle School
That's the Beginning?
Guy: Excuse me, I wanted to know if any black women would go out with me. If I were the last man on Earth, would you go out with me? [Black lady does not respond.] What if there were 20 minutes until the end of the world? [Still no response, so guy addresses another lady.] What about you? Would you go out with me?
Woman: What's the point?
Guy: Alright, let's start from the beginning... [Holding up gallon of apple juice] I have some apple juice -- will you split it with me?
--Union Square station
Well, That Was 20 Seconds of Reading Time We'll Never Get Back
Hot chick on cell: Yeah, no... Like, I'm pretty convinced that Patrick* is, like, totally gay. Well, because when we, like, dated, he would always want to go shopping and take, like, the longest time, like always studying how tight jeans made his ass look. And, like, he told me how his best friend ended up being, like, uber-gay, and like, he would always say, like, random shit like, 'Y'know, like, people you don't even, like, know could be gay.' I'd be like, 'O-M-G -- what?!' And, like, the entire time we went out, we only had sex, like, once, and that was when I, like, lost my virginity... No, I didn't consider it the official, like, time I actually lost my V-card because he couldn't even, like, get it up... No, we were not drunk! I'm not like that big of a slut... Or at least, I wasn't then.
--Chelsea
Is It Supposed to Taste Like Snot?
Queer #1: Kiss me. [Kisses queer #2.] Do I taste like it?
Queer #2: I don't know what coke tastes like. Oh. Sorry, that was pretty loud.
--33rd & 7th
Sorry about Dropping My Social Facade, There
Guy: Did you hear that Sam broke up with Angie?
Girl: Good for him! [Guy stares at her in disbelief.] Uh... I mean... Oh, poor Angie!
--NYU dining hall
Promises, Promises...
Passenger #1: Antenna-Man is in the next car, and he's coming this way. That dude is crazy!
Passenger #2: Alright! I gave that guy money last time I saw him 'cause he said he was going back to Mars and he's taking George Bush with him!
--Manhattan-bound L train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
'Til Death Do Us Part... Well, for Three Days, Anyway
Hardhat #1: Paddy, you're Irish Catholic, right?
Hardhat #2: Yeah.
Passerby: Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene.
Hardhat #2: Shut you fuckin' mouth! I will believe that crock of shit when you show me a marriage certificate.
--Broad St
A Mighty Wind
Guy: My dream is to fart into a bullhorn.
Girl: Wow -- reach for the stars!
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Lucy
I Meant, of Course, within Those Logical Limits
Guy: I can so. I can do anything I want.
Girl: Well, you can't control destiny! All you can do in life is choose a direction and do your best when you're fucked!
--22nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Khalim
She Will Not Leave Her Wingman
Preppy girl #1: Eek! No humping. Stop!
Preppy girl #2, pressing her thighs against #1: Not even side humping?
Preppy girl #1: No, not here... [Winks.]
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: A Queens Librarian/ Rockstar
Compassion: A NYC Short Story
Guy: Did you hear about that guy that fell from a 47th floor and survived?
Girl: No.
Guy: It's crazy! The paramedics found him conscious, too.
Girl: Wow. Can you help me upload my Jingle Ball photos to my Kodak account?
--1500 Broadway
Just Answer the Question. And Stop Slouching.
Four-year-old boy to stranger: Do you have a little boy?
30-ish single man: No, not yet.
Four-year-old boy: Why not?
30-ish single man: Because I don't have a wife yet.
Four-year-old boy: Why not?
30-ish single man: You sound like my mother.
--38th & 2nd
Overheard by: Todd J.