Wednesday One-Liners Should Be Treated with Kid Gloves

Dad to screaming toddler he's hanging upside down: Shhh! Shh… Sweetie, it's just like yoga… Now deep breathe… Now… Practice your chakras…

–1st Ave & 1st St

Young father to toddler: Hey man, it's not cool to scratch your butt in public! I know you have an itchy, but the chicks don't dig that.

–Prospect Park West

Overheard by: Marina

Dad with European accent to young boy slowly riding bike with training wheels: Do you know what we call this in English? (pause) "Pathetic."

–Park Slope

Overheard by: baconista

Father to toddler, after she picked up pacifier from pavement: The five-second rule does not apply in New York City!

–M&M Store

Dad, walking 7-year-old son to school: You gotta remember. Everything I know, I know from comic books.

–91st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Moses


A Fist to the Jaw?

Little white boy: I like the light people much more than the dark people.
(black passengers are shocked)
Embarrassed father, addressing bus
: He is talking about sunlight and shadows.

Oblivious son: What's the difference?

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: Good either way


Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: That? Oh, that’s nothing. It’s just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: wish I’d caught that last word

Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff…

–Columbia University classroom

Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative

Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There’s over five thousand tigers to choose from.

–W 4th & Jones

Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I’m a monkey.

–NYU Cantor Center

Overheard by: NYU student

Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?

–113th St

Overheard by: McFreaky

Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.

–Stuyvesant High

WASP on cell: I said ‘camels.’ He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.

–Metro-North