Dude, Kids Would Rather Have the Father Than the Money

40-something man to small toddler: I love you very much, sir.
Toddler: (inaudible gibberish)
40-something man: I will make you very rich, sir.
Toddler: (more inaudible gibberish)
40-something man: When I die you will be very wealthy, sir.
Toddler: (more inaudible gibberish)
40-something man: I will make you so much motherfucking money, sir. You will be so motherfucking rich, sir.

–12th St & Ave B

Overheard by: John

The Pogo Stick Made an Honest Woman Out of Her

Teen girl #1: I got a doctor’s appointment after school today. My mom saw this hickey and she’s taking me for a pregnancy test.
Teen boy: Yo, Mexican mom’s is crazy.
Teen girl #2: That sucks. If my mom ever tries to take me, I’m telling her it’s a civil rights violation.
Teen girl #1: I already got my excuse. I’m gonna say it busted when I was riding my bike.
Teen boy: No, that’s no good. Say you was jumpin’ up and down. –7 train

Wednesday One-Liners Should Be Treated with Kid Gloves

Dad to screaming toddler he's hanging upside down: Shhh! Shh… Sweetie, it's just like yoga… Now deep breathe… Now… Practice your chakras…

–1st Ave & 1st St

Young father to toddler: Hey man, it's not cool to scratch your butt in public! I know you have an itchy, but the chicks don't dig that.

–Prospect Park West

Overheard by: Marina

Dad with European accent to young boy slowly riding bike with training wheels: Do you know what we call this in English? (pause) "Pathetic."

–Park Slope

Overheard by: baconista

Father to toddler, after she picked up pacifier from pavement: The five-second rule does not apply in New York City!

–M&M Store

Dad, walking 7-year-old son to school: You gotta remember. Everything I know, I know from comic books.

–91st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Moses