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February 2008 Archives
I Think You Should Listen to the Question Again
Girl: Oh, has your ear been penetrated?
Boy: It's called 'pierced,' Maddie, not 'penetrated.' Pierced.
--Central Park
I Wrote about This on my Application Essay
Dude #1, burping loudly: I know you're gassy if you have to fart a lot, but what are you if you have to burp a lot?
Dude #2: Same thing, in the opposite direction.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wiley Willis
No -- And for Religious Reasons
Hipster #1: Have we had the bar mitzvah conversation yet?
Hipster #2: I thought you were a Mexican?
Hipster #1: I'm Brazilian. And Jewish.
Hipster #2: Are you fucking with me?
--Williamsburg
Perhaps Not for You
Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn't Coney Island!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: smirkingonlooker
Sometimes We Even Have Sex
Dude #1: Lots of people tell me I'm the gayest straight man they know.
Dude #2: Mmmm... No, I know a gayer straight guy than you.
--F station, Bergen St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Americans and Their Incomprehensible English
Tall foreign model #1: ... And we nicknamed each other's, you know, junk...
Tall foreign model #2: Really? What does he call yours?
Tall foreign model #1: He keeps calling it 'Gina' -- I don't get why.
Tall foreign model #2: Huh.
--12th & 4th
Hey, I Didn't Vote for Him
Loud woman: That nigga stupid!
Friend: You right.
Loud woman: Nah, he worse than stupid. That nigga retarded! Re-tar-ded!
Friend: He didn't even get good grades in college!
--F train
... Not to Mention Non-Jews
Hipster #1: So, everybody is moving to Park Slope.
Hipster #2: Who's everybody?
Hipster #1: I don't know... Jews...
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Emily
Upon Hearing This, Several New Yorkers Burst into Flames
Elderly tourist: This place is amazing. Exactly like Louisville.
Female companion: Yep. New York's just like Louisville.
--W 4th & Greene
But What Else Do We Know about Ann Coulter?
Girl #1: She's such a fucking bitch.
Girl #2: She's such a motherfucking bitch.
Girl #1: Yeah, but she's hot.
Girl #2: Yeah, she's really fucking hot.
--7th & Ave A
This Reality Show Has Gone Way Off Script
Crackhead: Excuse me, miss, but you don't look so good. Are you okay?
Hot, drunk chick vomiting in a trashcan: I'm supposed to be asking you that!
--66th St, Lincoln Center station
Demolition of My Conscience Is Almost Complete
Law student #1: How was your summer?
Law student #2: Off the hook. Italy is the third fucking world. Poverty kicks ass when you don't have to deal with it, like, every day.
--Mercer & 3rd
Wanna See Me Stop My Heart?
Girl #1: Oh, look, they have yoga.
Girl #2: Yeah, but it's all 'Breathe in, breathe out.' I hate that shit.
--Shake Shack line, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Jacqui
Um... Nail Gun!
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
--True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
They'll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year
Man yelling from upper floor: Bitch! You lucky I can't come down there and beat yo' ass!
Woman yelling up from street: That's why yo' ass is in there!
--Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
Overheard by: Jimbo Jones
We're Too Weird to Be Racist
White man to another: Before he shows up, you should probably know this guy's a top 100 digger.
Black man: What'd you call me?!
White man: Uh, I just said... We're nerds. It means we're nerds.
--Starbucks, Astor Pl
It All Started with That Damn Gene Kelly Movie
Thug #1: Look at all them people with umbrellas.
Thug #2: They all a bunch of chumps.
Thug #1: The only reason they have umbrellas is peer pressure!
--45th & Lex
Overheard by: EthanK
Is It Your Time of the Month, Josh?
Female clerk: Do we have Skinny Bitch down here?
Queer clerk: Oh, I don't know. What does she look like?
Female clerk: It's a book.
Queer clerk: Oh, we have books here, too.
--Barnes & Noble
But Isn't That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?
Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What's the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I'm a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won't make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]
Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
But Haven't That Collie's Tits Been through Enough?
Girl: What are you doing later?
Guy: Well, I was gonna go home, eat something, do some schoolwork, and then smoke some weed and do some coke. Want some?
Girl: Absolutely.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Only if we can do lines off Lina's* tits.
Guy: ... Oh my god, I want to date you.
--The Met
Along with Blue Balls and Shame
NYU brat #1: So, did you guys end up hooking up, or what?
NYU brat #2: Yeah, we dry-humped for, like, an hour.
NYU brat #1: Dry-humped?! What are we, back in, like, eighth grade?
NYU brat #2: What, you haven't heard? Dry-humping is sooo back in.
--NYU
Overheard by: CK
They Jerk Their Meat
Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she's Jamaican. You know how they are.
--Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dumbfounded
Headline by: Gutterlush
Runners-Up:
· "At Least She Isn't Dominican." - Jon
· "Even Their Chickens Are Jerks." - Howard Bannister
· "Psychic?" - Beryl
· "Racism! It's What's For Dinner" - Goldielox
· "You're Just Jealous You Can't Use Your Dreads As a Fork" - Chels
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Who Makes Me Look Thin
Girl #1: Oh my god, my roommate is so weird. She keeps farting, but I don't smell anything.
Girl #2: She must be anorexic.
Girl #1: True! I didn't think of that. I'm so glad I'm friends with someone that got a scholarship!
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Or she's bullemic.
Yes, Towering Mountains Sprouting before Me
Teen daughter: So, is this what you saw?
Mother: What?
Teen daughter: Is this what you saw when you took estrogen?
--Summer of Love: Art of the Psychedelic Era, Whitney Museum
Overheard by: flowerchild
She Photographs the Dinosaurs As a Reminder to Wear Moisturizer
JAP mom, looking at diorama of Neanderthals: Amanda was taking pictures of them before...
JAP daughter: It must be her goal weight.
--Museum of Natural History
Ultralubricated Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip
Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms... or a house. But a car?
--6 train
Overheard by: Sabrina
Girl on cell: So I'm just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription... [Lowers voice] You know, my pills... What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don't get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!
--Duane Reade, 34th & Park
Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off
Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, 'What the heck?' and flung the condom across the room.
--Astor Pl
20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy 'Her pleasure' condoms for political reasons.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!
--CVS
Over 1 Billion Wednesday One-Liners Served
Guy to friend: Yo! I'm mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] ... Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald's -- angus! Angus!
--4 train
Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald's! Someone's being a chubby chicken!
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: Onion
Hobo: Just so you know, they don't got liquor stores in heaven. They don't got no McDonald's, neither.
--1 train
Overheard by: Galen
Girl on cell: He's obsessed with America's Next Top Model... And he watches What Not to Wear... What? No... Mom, he said that McDonald's fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!
--Pratt Institute
Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don't want McDonald's, I don't know what I can get you.
--207th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm
Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.
--Houston & Mangin
Overheard by: How about a little to the left?
Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: riana
Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don't want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there... Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.
--28th & 8th
Overheard by: Chuckell
Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn't want you in there because you're black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You're a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.
--W 4th St
Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?
Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin'? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Nicole
70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?
--Riverside Park
Drunken Don Juan: Hey... Miss... Miss... Ah... Is your husband... Is your husband married?
--Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sweet tea
Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I'm not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.
--78th & Columbus
Wednesday Catches a Bad Case of One-Liners
Crazy man: Now, you probably don't know this, but most of y'all have diabetes.
--1 train
Overheard by: bildita
Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: ... What's your sick policy? I was like, 'Stay the fuck away from me, and don't get me sick -- that's our sick policy!'
--13th & University
Overheard by: Dave D
Chick: I'da killed him if it wasn't for that damn leukemia.
--9th & Smith St station
Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?
--17th & 6th
Girl on cell: I'm like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you're clear, and then I come back and take over your body.
--33rd & 30th, Astoria
Overheard by: brigid
Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps
Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y'all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y'all don't need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I'll take four dollars! Look at me -- I got no education, and I turned out just fine.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers
Wheelbo: I don't care what they say, I promise you I'll pay you back.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: MBS
Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker... Hey, at least I'm not bullshitting you.
--35th & 4th
Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!
--E train
Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don't you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!
--34th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas
Hobo: I was an extra in the movie [inaudible] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees screaming, 'I'm a born-again porno addict!'
--N train
Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don't know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!
--Outside adult video store, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Sarah
Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don't be so serious about it! It'll be okay! Here, did you know there's an animal rights group called 'Porn Stars for Pups'?
--The Black Sheep
Overheard by: Argopelter
Guy on cell, pushing by couple with baby in stroller: I'm not going to California! I pay her twelve hundred dollars per hour. If she doesn't sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hundred thirty-eight fucking grand yesterday! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!
--Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Stephen Lindsay
Angry girl to friend: Seriously, Chris, can't we go one day without talking about shizer porn?!
--East Village
Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg
Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, 'What? You want a pizza party?' and I said, 'No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.' And then she goes, 'Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I'll drop.
--59th & Lex N/R/W stop
Overheard by: koala
Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it's always a great party... Hmmm... Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite...
--34th & 3rd
20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year's Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Late-30s guy: I'm the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.
--House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday... Yeah, the party was that night.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Suzz
Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks -- you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.
--2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St
Overheard by: Ben
Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- I'm broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma's House 2. Please spare some change.
--F train
Overheard by: benny
20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Diner: Yo, 'hyena' -- I know how that's spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.
--IHOP, Staten Island
Overheard by: explosivo
Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany's until I lent it to her... Tryin' to act like that's her shit...
--B train
Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: fival went east
Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty
Wednesday One-Liners Add a Little Something Extra
Dad: Okay, girls! Now, we're on a very tight budget -- you can get ketchup, mustard, or barbecue sauce.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: bill R
Girl: Apparently I ate an entire jar of mustard.
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: and didn't notice?
Hot guy on cell: That's fine, but I just don't want to find the television smeared with peanut butter this time...
--96th & CPW
White chick: La Choy is the white trash of soy sauce!
--113th St
Overheard by: Meister E.
Man to hobo: If I had any more butter, I would give it to you, but I don't because I used it already.
--Howard St
Overheard by: havarthe
Foxy lady, to female dining companion: I could pour ketchup in your cleavage and dip a fry in it... Just dip it in! Why are people staring at us?
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Justin Casement
The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners
Voice on PA system: Attention -- if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don't stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Kate
Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don't believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen...
--2 train
Overheard by: beeloo
God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson -- what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you're going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!
--Roosevelt Ave station
Overheard by: How come Jesus didn't represent himself at the Crucifiction?
Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy -- whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?
--21st St
Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey... I'm in the Bronx, preaching... I told you last night, remember? I said, 'God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.' Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry
Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Sarah
Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: Aileen
UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I've decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.
--The Strand
Overheard by: losaida lois
Literary agent: God, I'm so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.
--W 35th St
Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Well, Okay, but I Still Don't Get It
Little boy to mom: What do you mean, I'll appreciate them one day? I'll like bras?
Little girl: My mom's boyfriend likes bras, and he's only twenty-two.
--Victoria's Secret
Overheard by: Juliette
Would Make Our Jobs a Lot Harder
Woman stuck in bathroom, kicking and banging: Help me! [Inaudible yelling in Spanish.]
Conductor: Miss, don't push the door, slide the door!
Man: Some people just shouldn't be allowed on the train.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
It's Got an Overheard in New York Quote!
Hawker lady: Read all about it! AM New York! Read all about it -- AM New York dot com!
Hawker guy, quietly to passersby: Don't read that shit. They make shit up. Here, have a Metro.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: go rangers!
Okay, One More Time -- There Are Two Kinds of Pies
Man #1: No one is going to eat this pie.
Man #2: Yeah, someone will.
Man #1: Well, not after I finger-fuck it!
--Union Square
Separated at Birth?
Hedge fund wannabe #1 pointing to poster: Barry Manilow!
Hedge fund wannabe #2: So gay!
Hedge fund wannabe #1: He looks like what Rod Stewart would be if Rod were a woman...
--53rd St station
Overheard by: Dennis
But I'm Only Taking That Advice because of Your Cup Size
Lady: If you want girls to like you, you need to learn how to be nice to them.
Boy: Okay.
Lady: I'm your teacher. You need to listen to me. You've got to open doors for them.
Boy: Uh-huh...
Lady: And you need to stop talking about their breasts!
Boy: All right! I get it!
--Grand Central
Reader Poll: Who's the Republican Here?
Screaming mom: You have no idea what goes on in this world! Open your eyes and get a goddamn clue already!
Laughing son, ignoring her: Derrr...
--Hudson & Bank
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Actually, Meg Ryan's Just Had Too Much Eye Work Done
Woman: Whoopsie!
Male friend #1, drunk: Whoooopsie!
Male friend #2: So, this train goes to Atlantic Avenue, right?
Woman: Right.
Male friend #2, pulling out mini map: So, we're here... and Atlantic Avenue is...
Woman, lowering voice: You're standing too close to that girl.
Male friend #1, drunk: What? No I'm not.
Woman: Yes, you are. You're right in her face.
Drunk man: Oh, she doesn't care. She's Korean.
--Q train
Overheard by: the 6' tall white girl he was standing WAY too close to
The Battle of the Sexes Comes to the Peace Table. Sort Of.
Girl: Please!
Guy: No!
Girl: Come on!
Guy: No!
Girl: Pleeease, just once!
Guy: I'm not going to let you mace me!
Girl: Come on... I'll let you punch me in the ovaries.
Guy: ... Just one, or both?
--Sullivan & Prince
Gay As Fireman Calendars, Both of 'Em
Woman #1: I heard your son started going to my son's doctor.
Woman #2: Yeah, he has a great bedside manner... And he has a handlebar mustache, too, haha.
Woman #1: Yeah, so does my gyno.
--29th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jeffrey G.
Meet the Man Who Programs New York's Crazies
Normal guy: So, you know this guy was unarmed...
Crazy beard guy: Sure.
Normal guy: Well, needless to say, people died that night. That's all I'm sayin'.
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: Heather
And Ruin Your Girlish Figure?
Dude #1: I really need to start acting like a bitch more often.
Dude #2: [Silence.]
Dude #1: At least that way I'll get more free dinners.
--57th & 10th
Overheard by: Sam
Just Natural Selection Doing Its Job
Rider #1: I see so many girls I want to have sex with when I ride.
Rider #2: That's because everyone out here is athletic.
Rider #1: Yeah!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jeremy Willinger
I Shall Enforce This Decree by the Power of My Pussy
Angry girlfriend: I don't want you to challenge me on anything!
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
Angry girlfriend: I don't want you to tell me I'm wrong!
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
Angry girlfriend: If you're not going to tell me I'm correct, just don't talk anymore.
--F train
Overheard by: Colleen
Think about It -- What Are the Odds?
Activist girl: Sir, ma'am, do you have one minute to help the Democratic party?
Chipper passerby chick: No, but I have your shirt!
Activist girl, unimpressed: Awesome.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Christiana Little
And Boots of Spanish Leather -- What's Your Point?
Guy with curly black hair: I'm not Jewish!
Friend: Sure you are -- you have Bob Dylan hair.
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: It Takes A Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Stereotype
Big Girls: Yeah, Hope You Enjoy Lunching on Your Own Spit
Skinny girl #1: Do you know bridal salons only carry dresses in small sizes, so bigger girls have to, I don't know, close their eyes and imagine what the dress would look like if it could zip?
Skinny girl #2: Seriously?
Skinny girl #1: Some day somebody's going to come out with a design line for fat girls, and they're going to make a killing.
Skinny girl #2: Bridal Barn.
--Century 21, Financial District
I'm Hoping to Experiment with Heterosexuality in College
Dude: Do you want to dance?
Chick: No, sorry, I have a boyfriend.
Dude: That's okay, I'm gay.
Chick: Are you sure?
Dude: Am I sure? Yes! [Girl walks away.] Okay, fine, I'm not sure.
--Webster Hall, NYU
And I Only Do Anal with Priests
Jock: So, maybe you and I could... have coffee or lunch some time?
Religious chick: Sorry, I only date guys who are saved.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: cindy hawkins
He Settled Out of Court for Attorney Fees and an Undisclosed Number of McGriddles
Employee: The manager made us open the doors, but we don't have shit. Nothing is ready. [A bunch of employees are frantically putting buns on trays and trays into machines.]
Drunk guy, leaning on counter: I want some McGriddles! [Slips and falls.]
Employee: Look at you -- you can't even keep your shit from falling over! ... If you sue us, I'm going to say you was drunk.
Drunk guy, thoughtfully: You're right... I'm going to sue you for eight McGriddles!
--McDonald's, Fulton & Cliff St
Grandpa's So Inconsiderate
Hipster boy: I came home, and his shit was all open on my computer.
Hipster girl: He was on it again?!
Hipster boy: Yeah, and it was, like, rape videos he had downloaded. I sit down and it's like rape, rape, rape. I don't care if he uses my computer, but I don't need to see that shit!
Hipster girl: For real.
--S 1st & Bedford
Overheard by: redshift
Like Chinese, but All the Fortunes Say, "You Will Major in Engineering"
Asian kid #1: I haven't eaten Chinese food in so long...
Asian kid #2: You don't eat Chinese food at home?
Asian kid #1: No... I eat Korean food.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Headline by: noodle
Runners-Up:
· "Ever Since the Animal Shelter Opened Next Door..." - KJM
· "If Your Mom Had Herpes, You'd Order Takeout Too." - Asian kid #3
· "My Mom's Trying This Whole "diversity" Thing" - micheleneous
· "The Difference Is in the Cats!" - kerm
· "Your Mom Doesn't Count" - BSchmidt
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Excellent Guilt-Launch -- I Commend You!
Hobo: Yo, man, let me get a bite of that!
Guy eating cheesesteak: Naw, man!
Hobo: Dayummmn... Well, you ain't gotta eat it that fast!
--Lafayette & Broadway
What? The Native Americans Love That Joke
Security guy: Where you from?
Tourist: Amsterdam.
Security guy, gesturing broadly to the view: This was once all yours!
--Empire State Building
From The Girls Next Door Outtakes
Guy: Daaamn, you da prettiest girl I seen all month. Come over here an' talk to me.
Chick: Oh?
Guy: Shit, I'ma call you 'Miss September.'
--151 Amsterdam
Overheard by: craps under my window
This Year Fellatio Is the New Black
Guy #1: What time are we going to beat off?
Guy #2: What, together? Midnight, of course!
Guy #1, exasperated: No, not together! That's so last year!
--6th & 1st
New York Is Full of Women with Identical Scowls
Hobo #1, to chick passerby: Hey! Good morning! You should smile more -- you're beautiful!
Hobo #2: She's not that pretty.
Hobo #1: I beg to differ!
Hobo #2: Hey, man, if you want to go worship her preppy ass, go for it, but she's not that special.
--Tompkins Square Park
Pretend to Enjoy It and You Can Have the Whole Cup
Boyfriend: Mmmm... Coffee...
Preggers girlfriend: What?! You got coffee? Give me a sip...
Boyfriend: No, baby... No caffeine for you...
Preggers girlfriend, trying to wrestle cup away: Just a sip? Pleeease?!
Boyfriend: No! Bad for the baby...
Preggers girlfriend: I'll suck your dick for a sip! [Boyfriend immediately hands the cup over.]
--Times Square
Overheard by: Mike
The Lady Doth Protest Too Much
Girl to spastic friend: I knew you were going to hump me!
Woman passerby: I have no desire to hump you.
--12th & 2nd
Remember How I Taught You to Fight Back with Knives?
Yuppie mom: We're never riding the subway again.
Little girl: Why?
Yuppie mom: Everyone keeps hitting you on the head.
Little girl: So? I love the subway.
Yuppie mom: Well, the subway doesn't love you.
--Times Square
Sailing Across a Sweet Rainbow of LSD and Frappuccinos
Cashier: And how are you today?
Girl with arm in sling, brightly: Hopped up on prescription painkillers. And yourself?
--Barnes & Noble, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Is He Still Waiting for That Mountain to Come to Him?
Cashier #1: Ugh, I can't stand Muhammad.
Cashier #2: I don't mind him. He dumb.
--Duane Reade, 49th & 9th
They'll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year
Black lady: Listen, you camel jockey, I don't care what you say, you was wrong to do that!
Middle Eastern man: Oh, shut up, you stupid nigga! I'm tired of hearing your shit! Go fuck yourself!
Black woman passerby: Oh my god, who the hell are you to be talking to my beautiful black sister like that?! You ain't got no right to talk to anybody black like that!
Black lady: Bitch, who the shit are you? Don't be talkin' to my husband like that!
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: Mawg Spawn
I Like Being Able to Fast-Forward
Nerd chick: So, are you gonna see Ahmadinejad speak today, or go to the rally or anything?
Bimbette: Nah... I thought maybe I would, but then I realized I could totally just wait 'til it comes out on YouTube or whatever. It's like, why even bother?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
And I Told You, It's Called a "Cock," Sweetie
Five-year-old boy pointing at large statue of naked man: Look how small his whizzer is, Mommy!
Mother: It's not nice to point, Jake.
Five-year-old boy: But he's not a real person... Look how small it is!
--Time Warner Center Mall
I Launder It with My Money
Woman: Do you smell that? That's the smell of crime and corruption.
Man: That's the smell of my underwear.
--Union Square
Um, That's Ethan Hawke.
Mother: Put your shirt back on, or I won't take you bowling.
Son: Am I funny, Mom?
Mother: No, honey, you're strange... like that homeless man there.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ed
Or Does It?
Girl: I sooo want oatmeal.
Guy: I have a George Foreman grill.
Girl: That doesn't help me get oatmeal.
--1 train
Overheard by: Ethank
Not As Upsetting As You Keeping the Word "Fugly" Alive
Drunk guy #1: That's not even right, man. That girl is too hot to be standing next to that fugly woman.
Drunk guy #2: Excuse me, ma'am, could you move a few steps to the left? You're upsetting my friend.
--7 train
Overheard by: David Moss
This City Has It All!
Thugette: I just want to go some place where I feel comfortable.
Thug: I just want to go some place where I can piss on you.
--East Village
Overheard by: r. kelly
Just Tell Him No Dessert
30-ish woman #1: So he's never went down on you -- no big deal. Young guys are like that.
30-ish woman #2: But he's twelve...
--Times Square
Really Takes Me Back to My Gangbang Days at Vassar
Woman: No more room! Stop pushing! No more room!
Man on platform: Aw, baby, you don't mean that!
--7 train, 74th St & Roosevelt Ave stop
Overheard by: Peter Holby
Dude, at Least Read Harry Potter or Something
Guy #1: Dude, are you studying?
Guy #2, not looking up from Game Boy: Fuckin' Pokemons... Gotta catch 'em all.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: Mark Pancho
If He Doesn't Tell You to Fuck Off, You're Golden
Tourist guy: How do I get to Essex Street from here?
New Yorker guy: Go down about seven or eight blocks, make a left, and ask somebody there.
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Drew
Which Explains Why I'm So Unrealistic
Girl #1: I really like where I live now. Where do you want to live after school? Brooklyn Heights?
Girl #2: I want to live on the Upper East Side, far away from the subway... I plan on cabbing everywhere.
Girl #1: That can get really expensive.
Girl #2: I lived frugally all through undergrad. I plan on living large.
Girl #1: What are you studying, again?
Girl #2: Literature.
--26th & 1st
Overheard by: goodbye blue monday
I Did Get Drilled at Victoria's Secret Once
Girl #1: I hope if I ever go back to London, I run into that French guy I hooked up with last time.
Girl #2: Well, maybe when you go back you'll meet a new French guy.
Girl #1: Looking specifically to meet French guys in London? I dunno, that seems like looking to buy a bra in a hardware store.
Girl #2: Yeah, but imagine you find that perfect B-cup in amongst the drills and such.
--C train
... Whatever It Is
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, you just called me Breanne.
Bimbette #2: I always call you Breanne.
Bimbette #1: Oh, yeah! You're right... I totally miss my name...
--Walgreens, Empire State Building
Overheard by: seriously?
It's Not Your Brains They Want to Eat
Tween boy #1: Man, I don't like your school.
Tween boy #2: I know. They're all like Rob Zombie there, but none of them are zombies -- they're all gay.
--C train
Overheard by: Betty Noir
When Did Baseball Become the Sport of Kings?
Chick, peering into bar: Hey! The Yankees are on!
Dude: What are you, poor? Let's go home and watch it in HD.
--110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Barry P.
Home Depot Also Sells the Industrial Grade Belt-Driven Kind
Little boy: Do you have 25 cents?
Older sister: What? No... You don't need a tampon.
Little boy: No, I want a napkin.
Older sister: You don't need those, either.
Little boy: I want a napkin for my face! [Reads off dispenser] See? Nap-kin.
Older sister: Those aren't napkins like we use at the table. They're... um... y'know, ladies' things, like Mommy uses.
Little boy: Ohhh...
--Ladies' room, Home Depot, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Pippa
Guess That Explains the Spiked Collar
Six-year-old boy: Can I pet your dog?
Hot girl: Sure, but she's a little crazy.
Six-year-old boy: Ahhh, so is my sister [points to four-year-old]. Maybe they're related!
Four-year-old sister: Grrr...
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: dan finnegan
That, and My Microscopic Penis.
Guy #1: They say a lot of people who suffer from bipolar disorder are promiscuous.
Guy #2: Yeah, I know. That was my ex-girlfriend's excuse for being a whore.
--Financial District
I Can Say with Absolute Certainty That You Are Wrong
Man: You're not mad at me?
Woman: Nah. I can't get mad at you, 'cause I look in your face and know you're not a valiscious person. You don't mean it. Some people, though -- some people are just downright valiscious.
--30th & Madison
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
It Had Boobs Painted on It
Woman: You don't remember me, do you?
Older man: Your face looks familiar...
Woman: You saw me running down the street naked last weekend.
Older man: Why would I remember your face, then?
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Lauren
Okay, but a Burlap Sack and Shower Cap?
Chick: Does she think that looks hot?
Friend: She's ten.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jax
Chinese Fighting Shoe
Woman #1: ... And she got in a fight with him, and she took her shoe off with the spike heel.
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: And she throws it at him, and it hits him in the head and he dies!
Woman #2: Oh my god, that's terrible!!
--Kingsborough Community College
Really, There's No Reason the Three of Us Can't Play Scrabble
Trendy Asian girl #1: I'm so glad that we're still friends and everything, after I dated your brother.
Trendy Asian girl #2: Oh, yeah, we're totally friends now. I'll share everything with you. Purses, shoes -- everything. And that was sort of like I was sharing my brother with you, too!
--36th & 3rd
Gotta Watch 'Em Every Minute During the Terrible Twos
Concert girl #1: You totally missed it.
Concert girl #2: Missed what?
Concert girl #1: You know those girls that were really drunk and dancing in front of us? Well, they ended up taking their clothes off...
--Brooklyn
Not Having to Think Frees Up a Lot of Time for Watching Reality TV
Dude with clipboard to couple passing by: Excuse me, you two! Sign this! It's your independent right as an American.
Guy: No, thanks. I hate rights.
Chick: Yeah, just being told what to do rocks.
Guy: Conforming is sweet.
--Bleecker St
Like a Festering Boil on Brooklyn's Baby-Smooth Buttock
Crazy guy: There is something wrong with Winthrop Street. Do not get off the train there! You ever notice how they never say 'Winthrop Street'? They say Franklin, President, Sterling, then it's Wooothup. Never trust anybody who can't say clearly what they mean.
Disembodied train voice: This is President Street. The next stop will be Sterling Street.
Crazy guy: You see?! President! Sterling! You do not want to get off this train at Winthrop!
--2 train
Overheard by: Got off at President
NewsFlash: Cheerfulness Detected in Bronx. Quickly Nullified.
Old black lady: Bus driver, you a dumb motherfucker! You just turned down the wrong street!
Man: Don't worry, Mr. Bus Driver, I still have faith in you.
Old black lady, to man: Get your faggot-ass off the bus!
--8 bus, Bronx
How Do You Think I've Been Getting Drinks?
Drunk girl: No, really, how drunk are you?
Sober guy: Very drunk.
Drunk girl: Really?
Sober guy: Oh, shit, you totally just flashed that guy your vagina!
--E train
Well, We Do Live in Queens
Man: Oh, no! This is a crisis!
Woman: No life?
--Cereal aisle, Key Foods, Forest Hills
In the Sense That I Eat the Oatmeal
Teen girl #1, about nearby Shoot the Freak booth: So, what is it -- some kind of set-up or something? Like, it's not a real freak, right?
Teen girl #2: No, it's a real guy. Want to go see?
Teen girl #1: No! I'm a Quaker!
--Coney Island
As Long As I Can Keep Having Weekends Like That
Guy #1: So, how was your weekend?
Guy #2: Man, I ain't never gettin' married...
--50th & 8th
You Look Totally Different for Identical Twins
Latino cashier #1: ... And then he said he couldn't tell us apart.
Latino cashier #2: That's so insulting! Why wouldn't he be able to tell you guys apart? It's not like we're Chinese!
--8th & Ave C
Overheard by: m.
Why the U.S. Will Never Go Metric
Boy thug #1: He's like five foot twelve.
Boy thug #2: Dude, that's six foot.
Boy thug #1: Wait, five foot twelve is six foot?
Boy thug #3: Yes.
Boy thug #1: Five foot twelve is six foot?!
Boy thug #2: You're in height denial.
--N train
Overheard by: Mathematical Genius
NYC Rule: Ask Permission to Photograph the Natives
Suit, after taking cashier's photo on his cellphone: See how photogenic you are?
Cashier: Why did he just take a picture of me?
Next customer: That was creepy.
Barista: That was creepy.
--Starbucks, E 51st St
Overheard by: Chuckell
It's Just You, Me, and the Guy with the Pen and Paper
White wife: The rabbi told me that most of the government officials there are currently African American...
White husband: Okay...
White wife: But that he's going to be running for city council in the next election...
White husband: That's good...
White wife: He said that lots of Southern towns now have African American city officials...
White husband: I know...
White wife: But that even though the town is majority African American, it has a good chance of coming back.
White husband: Honey?
White wife: Yes?
White husband: It's just us here. You don't have to keep saying 'African American.' You can say 'schvartze.'
--Actor's Temple, W 47th St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Except That It Can't Be about Nothing
Guy #1: They're making a sitcom out of the Geico cavemen. Can you believe that?
Guy #2: Yeah. I can picture it -- it will be a lot like Seinfeld.
Guy #1: ... What?
--39th & 7th
Today's Quote Brought to You by the Letter Q, the Number 3, and a Total Dumbass
Tourist boyfriend: What's Avenue Q?
Tourist girlfriend: Well, in New York City there's a place called Alphabet City, and that's where they have Avenues A through Z.
--Dylan Prime, Tribeca
Overheard by: rebecca marie
Headline by: Jessica Bessica
Runners-Up:
· "And Spamalot Is This City in England." - SAtCW
· "It's Basically a Concentration Camp for Puppets" - Mikey G.
· "It's Right Next to Some Giant Apple" - Kelsey
· "No Tourist Left Behind" - sara
· "Ok, Can You Take Your Hand Out Of My Ass Now?" - sherman
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Nor Does It Excuse My Sleeping with That Obese Guy
Asian chick: ... And that's the bar where I got roofied.
White chick: You didn't get roofied! You got food poisoning!
Asian chick: Yeah, I know, but it doesn't make for as good a story.
--W 4th & 6th
And That's Not Kosher
JAP with Barneys bag: ... So she borrowed five dollars and still hasn't paid me back yet. Like, what the fuck?
Friend: Shhh... Your Jew is showing.
--1 train
Overheard by: crazian
If You're Really Devoted, You'll Take Her into the Bathroom for Some Coke
30-ish man #1: Whenever I'm down, I just go out and get hammered with my mom. When's the last time you got wasted with your mom?
30-ish man #2: I don't really ever do that.
30-ish man #1: You've gotta be kidding me, dude. I do it all the time. Think about it -- moms need to get hammered. They never get to go out... Just take her out, get her drunk, and drop her off. It will be the time of her life. Just do it and be a good son.
--Northbound Harlem line
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist girl to another: Oh my god, yes! Yeah, we'll just walk back. Times Square is like a couple blocks away.
--11th St
Tourist, about Rent: Is this show always about Christmas time? Because I know there are some shows that they update for each season.
--Nederlander Theatre
Tourist lady: Tree! Where are you?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Robert
Tourist, navigating crowds: Oh my god! I, like, feel like Anne Frank.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Claustrophobic
Tourist: Where's a Duane What's-his-nuts when you need it?
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Ben Smith
Tourist girl: ... Are we in a dungeon?
--Track 4, Penn Station
Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I'ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!
--University & E 9th St
Overheard by: Thompson
Chick: It's not like I miss my parents or anything, but it's just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Mark Jochens
Vomiting thugette: I don't even know what that is... Oh, God, that's pizza!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: traPt
Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower... in that order.
--The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Argopelter
Student to another: I dunno... All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter's teacher!
--Mercer University
Overheard by: J Dawg
Conductor: Hey, here's a novel idea -- if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dave
I'm Wednesday One-Liners, and I Approve This Message
Ghetto black chick: I'm Hillary Clinton! Where my niggas at?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: arose
30-ish black woman: She can tell me what book to buy... She can recommend a good bra... But Oprah telling me who to vote for? I don't think so!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Guido: I would blow Al Sharpton to be in my bed right now. I would caress Hillary Clinton's asshole to be in my bed right now.
--F train
Overheard by: dat wint'ry mix
Hot chick: I mean, I love Bill Clinton, and I would have slept with him even last week, but he's gone crazy!
--11th & 4th, Park Slope
Overheard by: bemused obama guy
Hobo: Hello! I am running for president! Vote for me and I'll legalize marijuana! You can marry whoever you wanna!
--Deli, 12th & 6th
Overheard by: Nora, Bianca, and Ethan
Middle-aged white lady: Go Obama! Go Obama! I don't know what he stands for, but I sure like to look at him!
--31st & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Scarfish
Black woman to male friend: I just find it ironic that a woman and a black man are running... And I'm going with the white guy.
--Café Mogador, East Village
Wednesday One-Liners May Need to Pay for It
Chick on cell: What are you doing tonight? Do you want to grab a drink, since I'm not having sex?
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo: You know Bin Laden? Bin Laden has no sex.
--1 train
Lady to two girlfriends: She harasses people with that body. That's why ain't nobody want her.
--96th St station
Mid-50s blonde: I just don't think I'm getting anything out of this. I mean, you don't give me sex, you don't give me money, so what the hell am I getting?
--Sushi restaurant, Soho
Man on cell: I'm okay now. The doctor said I could have sex. If only I could find someone to have sex with.
--E 61st & Lex
Blonde: We don't have sex that much because I'm a virgin.
--E 23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Jake
Guy in hallway: I'd stick it in her, but she'd just pull it back out again.
--Leon M. Goldstein High
Overheard by: Hand-banana
Miss Teen South Carolina's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: I feel like I can relate more to retarded people than normal people.
--Broadway & Waverly
Girl on cell: What are you talking about?! She's intellectually retarded. Hang on a sec, okay? Crap! They don't have The Da Vinci Code.
--Outside The Strand
Black girl: ... And we wasn't laughin' at him 'cause he got Down Syndrome... [Chuckles] We was laughin' 'cause he was mackin' on us so hard!
--Fordham University cafeteria, Rose Hill
Overheard by: So did the helmet get in the way?
Frat boy: Geez, bro, just when I thought you couldn't get retardeder...
--Park Row
Overheard by: Passerby
Angry girl on cell: I was trying to tell her that she's fucking retarded... in a very nice way!
--Fontana's
Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners
Grad student chick: Yoda is not a relative. He's little and green.
--NYU
12-year-old boy: I'm in a grey area right now as to whether Santa exists or not. I need more evidence.
--E 20th St
Overheard by: Dia
Customer to cashier: Frodo, it's been real.
--Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Thug: You know what, nigga? I think all them zombies are racist mothafuckahs. You notice they always eat the brotha first? What are we, covered in mothafuckin' chocolate? Do I look like a fondue fountain? That's some bullshit.
--189th & Bathgate
Overheard by: Lyle
Hobo, in false British accent: Of all the dimensions in the universe, I had to end up in this one! New York -- filthy, dirty, grimy. Greatest city in the world? Bah! I could have been fighting dragons with Merlin, but no! I had to end up here!
--6 train
Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners
Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You're cranky.
--Macy's, Herald Square
Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain't no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin' call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin' pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I'm some other... [whispers] bitch.
--Mail room, Financial District
Woman on cell: Good, that way she won't be able to beat on anyone else's house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!
--M14 bus
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I'm taking you home, girl.
--6 train
Overheard by: fridaholic
Wednesday One-Liners Are Famous for Being Famous
Chick: When Derek Jeter sees where my new bug bites are, he's going to go ballistic.
--McDonald's, 51st & 3rd
Overheard by: Jack
Enlightened film student to dense film student: Y'know, I can't wait for you to wake up one day, sit straight up in bed with your eyes open wide and realize that Quentin Tarantino sucks ass!
--Borders
Old guy to wife: God, Matthew McConaughey is a fucking faggot. That guy's been sucking cock since he was born.
--42nd & Broadway
Newspaper peddler: Read all about it! Britney Spears just died! Read all about it!
--Wall St & Broadway
11-year-old girl, leaning on subway pole: I want to jump on this pole like Tila Tequila! She can put her legs up over her head!
--E train, 50th St
Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Happy to Be Warm
Angry woman on cell: I don't care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Last-minute shopper
Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don't do drugs or have sex doesn't mean you're not going to hell!
--Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square
Teacher: Let's go to hell!
--Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you're all in purgatory!
--A train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Geneva
Scruffy artist type, to self: I'm not in hell, I'm in New York. I'm not in hell, I'm in New York...
--Elevator, Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: David
Barkeep, Some Wednesday One-Liners, Please!
Scruffy guy: Maybe you're allergic to kangaroo milk.
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Elaina
Hipster dude on cell: Dude, what the fuck? Everywhere I go in your city there's, like, no eggnog.
--Mercer St
Overheard by: omar
Street sock vendor to another: This country's immigration problems could all be solved if they just stopped selling Corona.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Cameron Rose
Crazy guy: Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some fuckin' water! Dumb bitch forgot the fuckin' water. Go back up that hill, bitch, and get me my fuckin' water!
--C train
Overheard by: Chrissy
Thug to wife: Yo, this nigga don't trust nothin' 'less it has an umbrella stickin' out of it. That's gangsta!
--Atlantic Station Pathmark
Overheard by: Kosi
Grandma, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!
Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother's ba-donka-donk!
--6th & 2nd
Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning... Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I'm really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: dobby
Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I'm not at a mall, I'm on the street... No, I don't see anything she'd like, unless... Do you think Grandma wants a bong?
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Heather
Dude to hot chick: I'd rather have sex with you than my grandma.
--1 train
Overheard by: bldlube
Guy on cell: So then he's like, 'Dude, are you in prison again?' And I was like, 'No, dude, I'm talking to you online. How could I be in prison?' And he was like, 'There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.' And I was like, 'Dude, I'm at my grandma's house. We're having tea and shit.'
--E 14th St & Irving
Wednesday's Gonna Have a Little One-Liner
Angry frat boy: Oh, so now I'm the bad guy? Let's talk about you and your irrational pregnancy!
--Grand Central
Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abortion? I mean, I'm not even pregnant!
--TGI Fridays
Overheard by: Sara
Giggling chick: When you get pregnant, the only things that swell are your breasts!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Hannah
Female security guard to friend: I don't think I'm pregnant. There's no way I can be pregnant, because I was only having light sex.
--Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th
Overheard by: jmike
Happy lady on cell: Guess what?! I'm pregnant! Yes, with a baby this time!
--96th St station
Overheard by: Kind of Confused
20-something chick: If I get pregnant, I am so suing Fresh Direct.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Holy Crap, Dude, He's Got a Vest Full of Hot Sandwiches!
Hobo: [Mumbles.]
20-something #1: What did he just say?
20-something #2: I think he was offering us grilled cheese.
--17th & 3rd
Kinda Depends on What the Dog Does, If You Follow Me
Man: Does it go in and out?
Woman, walking her dog: The vagina? [Lowers voice] Oh, you mean the dog leash.
--28th & Steinway
Overheard by: coinberg
It's Poorly Decorated -- No Gays
Old man #1: I don't know what happened! The other day I was 22 years old. Time really goes by, doesn't it?
Old man #2: It sure does... I'm 76.
Old man #1: That is good... I hope heaven is nice.
--PATH station, 9th St
He Looks So Lucky
Hobo, to trees: 56, 60, 61, 20!
Girl: I think he just gave me my lottery numbers!
--Ave A
Overheard by: Katie
When I Was Pregnant, I Was All, "I Want an Abortion! I Want an Abortion!"
Little boy, seeing long line for movie tickets: I'm not waiting! This line is too long!
Mom: You have to learn to wait in lines... God, you complain more than a pregnant woman.
--Brooklyn
Perhaps He Was Too Busy Looking for His Career?
Too-cool-for-school-yuppie #1: I can't believe David Schwimmer didn't say hello to us!
Too-cool-for-school-yuppie #2: Was it something we said?
Too-cool-for-school-yuppie #1: Maybe he didn't see us.
--The Village
Overheard by: Surprise, surprise...
SpongeBob and Patrick Often Squabble
Deep-voiced man: Hey, yo, SpongeBob...
Whiny-voiced woman across street: What?
Deep-voiced man: SpongeBob Squarepants...
Whiny-voiced woman: What?
Deep-voiced man: Why you got a square butt?
Whiny-voiced woman: What you said?
Deep-voiced man: Why you got a square butt, SpongeBob?
Whiny-voiced woman: Shut up!
Deep-voiced man: Haha. SpongeBob Squarepants...
Whiny-voiced woman: Shut up! [Continues for ten minutes.]
--Myrtle & Carlton
Overheard by: Myrtle Resident
God: I Know! Did You Hear That Guy?
Guy, about subway preacher's Bible-thumping: Well, I'm converted. I don't know about the rest of you. Fucking bastard...
--F train, Rockefeller Center
Like Grab His Crotch?
White chick: Susan, stop pinching my ass!
Asian girl: I'm not doing anything!
White chick: Well, then who's doing it?! [Sees hobo culprit behind them.] Oh my god, a bum is pinching my ass!
Asian girl: Should we do something?!
--Broadway
And I Have This Walrus Fantasy...
Artsy girl #1: I think it would be fun to make out with Adam. You know, just to touch his chest a bit.
Artsy girl #2: But I thought you said that you think Adam is fat.
Artsy girl #1: He is fat.
Artsy girl #2: He is not fat.
Artsy girl #1: Okay... He's not really fat, but he's always been well-fed!
--Manhattan-bound L train
I'm Gonna Win Every Hipster Fight!
Black hipster #1: Oh my god! These jeans are sick! They're lime green and making my eyeballs hurt!
Black hipster #2: Oooh, oooh, show me!
Black hipster #1, exiting dressing room: Man, my dick hurts 'cause they so tight! But daaamn... I look good!
--American Apparel
Then Why Do You Keep Me Chained to the Radiator?
Nine-year-old boy stocking vegetables: Mommy, why did they make child labor laws?
Mother, hugging son: I don't know, honey. Maybe because you're suuuch a sweetie.
--Food Co-Op, Park Slope
Overheard by: such a thing as too much praise
Now Kindly Retract Your Tongue
Drunk guy: Do you dare me to lick this pole?
Girl: I don't have my camera on me, so not right now. Maybe some other time.
--Queens-bound F train
So I'm Totally Voting for Obama
Old woman #1: She's a loony!
Old woman #2: Maybe she's going through the change...
Old woman #1: No. She's a loony.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: JC
Yeah, We Make New Yorkers Look Like Teacup Poodles
Black guy: Where you from?
Tourist: Maryland.
Black guy: Cool. I've seen The Wire. I know how you guys get down.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Alex
So Forget Whatever Weird-Ass Fantasy You Just Had
Queer hipster: Oooh! We can share your bed!
Hipster chick: Yeah... I have a pull-out couch, too.
--Enid's, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Jack!
Try to Imagine a Club without Strippers
Comedy club promoter: You girls like comedy clubs, right?
Girl: No, sorry.
Comedy club promoter: You must be from New Jersey.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Lana S.
Perhaps the Gentleman Meant He'd Like to Feel You on His Tongue?
Thug: Lookin' fine, snowflake.
Blonde: Wait... Did that guy just call me a snowflake? That's good, right?
Friend: I feel a new screen name coming on...
--Bleecker & Sullivan
I Can't Even Remember the Alamo
15-year-old drunk girl: I wanna fuck someone. Let's find a Mexican for me.
15-year-old drunk guy: Dude, you're gonna get me killed!
15-year-old drunk girl: I can't see straight. Where are we?
15-year-old drunk guy: I don't know.
--G train
Overheard by: Andrew
Everyone Knows That's Not Why I'm a Bitch
Bimbette #1: ... And so that skinny boy at work -- he asked me if my boyfriend was cute.
Bimbette #2: You don't have a boyfriend, though.
Bimbette #1: I know! And I told him that, and he goes, 'Oh! So that's why you're such a bitch!'
Bimbette #2: What a fag.
--Starbucks, W 4th
Overheard by: Lacy
We Were Playing Magic: The Gathering and My Hand Slipped
Mac specialist #1: Hey, what's up, man?
Mac specialist #2: Not much, man. Take a look at this [holds up his pinky finger, looking disgusted].
Mac specialist #1: What is that?
Mac specialist #2: I think I fingered somebody.
Mac specialist #1: No!
--Apple, 5th Ave
Does That Mean That Hugo Chavez Doesn't Wear Pasties?
Nerd: Didn't Fidel Castro die this week?
Geek: No.
Nerd: Oh... I must have had that dream again.
--William Gibson signing, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Dan Lurie
Headline by: mark manne
Runners-Up:
· "And Jessica Simpson Didn't Blow You Either." - Chuck Roast
· "Freud: Sometimes a Dream About a Cigar Is Just a Dream About a Cigar" - Vasyl
· "I Guess Rush Limaugh and I Weren't Tied Up and Spanked by Midgets Either?" - Cru Jones
· "I Guess That's Why the Easter Bunny Was There" - allison
· "Winney the Pooh Being Raped by Danger Mouse Was Kind Of a Tip Off" - Kit Kat
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is There Anything Hotter Than Geek-Girls?
Chick #1: Oh my god! You have Sonic the Hedgehog on your phone?! I used to love his partner. What was her name? Oh, yeah, it was 'Tails'!
Chick #2: Yeah, they used to call me that at my old job.
Chick #1: They used to call you 'Sonic' at work?
Chick #2: They used to call me 'Tails,' not 'Sonic,' motherfucker.
--L train
Overheard by: yooo nellehh!!!
How to Get White People to Buy You Drinks
Drunk white guy: I can't believe we used to beat you people.
Drunk black guy: Yeah, and it still happens to this day.
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Does It Help That We're Related?
Teen boy #1: Dude, are you gay?
Teen boy #2: No. Why?
Teen boy #1: Because I saw you whacking off to your cousin! Did you shoot on him?
Teen boy #2: No, we were comparing sizes!
Teen boy #1: Well, that's gay. You're never suppose to show your stuff to another guy!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Austin Crumpler
Most Intense Christening Party Ever
Guy #1: I'll be up in a minute. I'm just gonna have a smoke.
Guy #2, on speakerphone: Yo, I feel great!
Guy #1: Wait, so you're not injured?
Guy #2: No, I have three screws in my leg... but no one's getting arrested!
--Outside Lutheran Hospital
Overheard by: J-Dawg
Okay, Okay, It Was Wine Coolers
College girl to friend: Yeah, my roommate and I had a cute, girly apartment last year... with a fridge full of beer.
Old black guy nearby: Hahahaha.
--Target
Overheard by: alie
Hmm, Yours Don't Drag on the Ground the Way Mine Do
Chick #1: So, you transferred to CUNY-Hunter?
Chick #2: Yeah. My last school was making me stupid and drunk, and I can't be a lawyer like that... Look at you, little big knuckles!
--Q train
But in a Hot Way
Blonde WASP: Yeah, and Kristen's hot!
Brunette WASP: But only once you get to know her...
Blonde WASP: Yeah, you're totally right... She kinda looks like Marilyn Manson.
Brunette WASP: Oh my god, it's true! But in a hot way.
Blonde WASP, later on: He totally had to get a septuplet bypass.
Brunette WASP: That sounds so bad.
Blonde WASP: Yeah, they take veins from your leg! He was so fat.
--N train
Overheard by: JayTro
They Paid Extra for the Triple-Fun Package
Southern high school teacher to tour group: ... Because you are going to be either mugged, raped, or murdered. That is what I'm thinking is going to happen to me on these crazy New York City streets, so be alert.
Student: My parents paid for this trip?
--Outside Hampton Inn, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: jco
But I'm a Sucker for Anything Involving Kittens
Large black guy #1: Yo, check out that chick's earrings.
Large black guy #2: Damn, they even match her outfit.
Large black guy #1: That's, like, a whole new level of matching.
Large black guy #2, to girl: Yo, did you make those?
Girl: No, my sister did.
Large black guy #2: I reeeally like those.
--1 train
Overheard by: i like them too
Well, Maybe You
Professor: ... So this leads me to believe that probably none of you will be in competing with illegal Mexican immigrants for jobs.
Student: Oh, boy!
--NYU
Husband: Omagah, THX 1138-- Very Hot!
Hipster guy: I forgot to tell you -- she cut off all her hair.
Hipster girl: What?!
Hipster guy: She said she wanted short hair once in her life.
Hipster girl: Oh my god! She's crazy!
Hipster guy: I know.
Hipster girl: Oh my god! I can't believe she did that!
Hipster guy: I guess it doesn't matter when you're married.
--F train, Brooklyn
Give Them a Break -- It's Mostly for the Tourists
Tranny throw-down in the middle of the street blocks traffic.
Man on cell: Come across the street -- there's a tranny fight!
Woman looking down subway stairs: You're missing the action!
Trendy girl to boyfriend: Ugh, fighting in front of Starbucks? Real classy.
--Grove St & 7th Ave
And That Eliminates the Need for a Dark Corner?
Boyfriend, under his breath: I really need to find a dark corner.
Girlfriend, loudly: You could just pee in my mouth!
--10th & Broadway
Future Republican Environmental-Policy Advisor
Mommy: ... But we're going to have to do something about it, sweetie.
Six-year-old girl, arms crossed, looking away: I don't want to talk about it anymore, Mommy.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Stephanie
And Hired a Hitman
Chick: They just hate me so much. I bet they were so happy when we broke up last spring.
Dude: Yeah, they took me out to dinner.
--2 train
President: Aren't Those Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq?
Girl #1: Oh my god, that kid's head is stuck between the bars! [Entire bus crowd looks as kid pulls head out.]
Girl #2: His head wasn't stuck.
Boy: Oh my god, is that Hugh Jackman? [Entire bus crowd looks.]
--Bus outside the Met
How to Get Some Personal Space on a Crowded Train
Man: Oh, your dog is so cute. Is that a Yorkie?
Woman: Oh, yeah, it is. His name is Lucky. I've had him for a looong time.
Crazy man nearby: Lucky... I stabbed a guy named Lucky 20 years ago. Not so lucky.
--1 train
Overheard by: andy
That's What My Doctor Said
Young queer #1: I'm getting my tonsils out the day after next.
Young queer #2: Girlfriend, you'd better suck some dicks before then!
--14th & 8th
That's the Beauty of Keeping Everclear in the Supply Room
Lady suit: Did you bring that from the office?
Suit #1, holding up expensive pen: Oh, yeah, to look official. You know, for self-importance.
Suit #2: Yeah, self-esteem has been bad this week.
Lady suit: I think we need to go out drinking.
--Starbucks, 21st & 5th
Overheard by: maybe they could order a coffee liquer?
I Agree. How Is That Relevant?
Guy #1: That fucking redhead bitch. I told you, man -- those redheads are all the same.
Guy #2: Whoa, dude, I know you're upset, but racism is not cool.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: rarrw
I Was Just Testing You
Girl #1: Doesn't it turn you on when two guys kiss?
Girl #2: Um... No... Not really...
Girl #1: ... Oh, yeah... Me neither...
--6 train
NewsFlash: New Yorker Has Principles. Film at 11.
Dreadlocked whitey on bike runs red light, almost getting struck by SUV.
Dreadlocked whitey: Hey! You almost hit me! Why don't you watch where you're going in that thing?!
Girl in SUV, out window: Jerkoff, you just went through a red light! I should have run you over on principle.
--34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Just trying to cross the street
I Really Hope the Word "Home" Was at the End of That
Queer #1: You did such a good job of shaving my balls!
Queer #2: You're going to have to do mine again -- they're all spiky again.
Queer #1: O-M-G -- I'll have to do it as soon as we get home so we have enough time to bang before your parents come!
--Central Park
Overheard by: brunette teen
Giraffe-Americans Often Encounter Discrimination at Work
Black woman #1: Who's that big girl in your store?
Black woman #2: [Laughs.]
Black woman #1: She is really big! And she looks young, too.
Black woman #2: [Nods head.]
Black woman #1: How old is she?
Black woman #2: Twenty-two.
Black woman #1: Get the fuck outta here! She is too big. She needs a transplant or something.
--L train
Overheard by: John
I Can Never Find Waldo
Girl #1: Eh, let's get out of here. [They leave right after walking in.]
Girl #2: I hate books.
Girl #1: Yeah, me too.
--St. Mark's Book Shop
Her Fault for Having Sex with the Drill Team
Black girl: Antoine got married, I heard.
Black dude: Yo, his wife is that bitch we menage à trois-ed, like, last year. He knew what we did to that girl, and he still married her and had a kid with her.
Black girl: That's crazy.
Black dude: See this Swiss cheese? We put holes in that girl.
--Blimpie, 23rd & 6th
I See We Have Much to Discuss
Guy on date: So, are you really a Mormon?
Girl on date: Yeah.
Guy on date: Does that mean you don't have sex?
Girl on date: Well, not vaginally.
--Mulberry & Grand
Air Conditioning's Another Way to Tell Who's American
Indian man #1: When he got back, he locked himself in the air-conditioned room and wouldn't come out.
Indian man #2, shaking head: Wouldn't come out.
--Indian restaurant, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Charlie B
This Marriage Is Over
Chick: It's like that movie -- what's it called?
Dude: Stand by Me?
Chick: No, Gummo.
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Same thing
But You Know "Annotated Bibliography"?
Student #1: I finally finished that annotated bibliography.
Student #2: Oh, that's not due until Thursday.
Student #1: Thursday?
Student #2: Yeah, didn't you get the e-mail?
Student #1: E-mail?!
Student #2: Well, it was mentioned in class on Tuesday.
Student #1: Class?!
--NYU
"Kobe" Something?
Girl #1: So, I just met this guy... And we, like, totally connected! I mean, I could tell him everything, and it felt like we belonged together, you know?
Girl #2: Dude... You're 14 -- you're not supposed to find a guy that's husband material! Get a grip! By the way, what's his name?
Girl #1: [Silence.]
--UES
Overheard by: Lina
He's Baaaack!
Strange guy: Excuse me, NYU students?
Guy #1: Yeah?
Strange guy: I'm your biggest rival.
Guy #1: Huh?
Strange guy: Columbia. Law school. I'm coming for you.
Guy #1: Okay...
Strange guy: Employer sees résumé from NYU, résumé from Columbia, always picks Columbia.
Guy #1: Okay. Have a nice day.
Strange guy: I'm coming for you, trust fund baby.
Guy #2: I'm sure that Columbia résumé makes up for not having a penis...
Guy #1: Trust fund baby?
Strange guy: Columbia. [Flicks them off and leaves.]
--Starbucks, Astor Pl & Lafayette
Overheard by: NYU Student
NewsFlash: Girl Drowns in Midtown Traffic Jam
Girl #1: Ugh, I hate Honda Elements. They're so ugly!
Girl #2: Yeah, but did you know that you could, like, fill the whole thing with water and it would still run perfectly?
Girl #1: Why would you want to do that?
Girl #2: I don't know... But you could!
--W 42nd & Broadway
At Least Charge for It, Sweetie.
Mother: Don't sit like that! You don't want people see your you-know-what parts!
Four-year-old daughter sitting Indian-style: But I wanna!
--13th & 8th, Park Slope
Overheard by: person
Bad Food, Good Sex
Girl #1, waving: Hey! There you are!
Girl #2: Hello! How are you?
Girl #1: Hi! So, how was jail?
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: brigdh
Eh, I Just Don't Feel Like a "Lenny"
Receptionist #1: If you got married, would you change your name?
Receptionist #2: Yeah.
Receptionist #1: To his?
--Doctor's office, W 58th St
Overheard by: Russ Wall
President of the David Hasselhoff Fan Club, Anyway
Ragged man: You know, the president wears suits like these.
Employee: Oh, really? How do you know?
Ragged man: That doesn't matter, but I do know that the Secret Service is just a tailoring shop that makes the president's clothes.
Employee: I see... How do you know that?
Ragged man: I used to be the president!
--55th & Madison
Nah, It's Just America
Black fashionista #1, about nearby pick-up truck's radio: What the hell kind of music is that?
Black fashionista #2: Uh, I think it's country or some shit.
Black fashionista #3: Wait -- is he black?!
Black fashionista #1: Oh, that is just wrong!
--97th & CPW
Overheard by: genre reassigning surgery
Look, That Hobo's Fertilizing It!
Girl #1: There it is.
Girl #2: Aw. I thought Madison Square Garden was supposed to be... a garden.
--34th & 7th
Maybe the Wizard Will Give Me Some Balls So I Never Have to Come Back
Wife: Okay, so he said a right, and then a left at flatware...
Husband: And then follow the yellow brick road?
--Bed, Bath & Beyond, Chelsea
Overheard by: jackattack
He Prefers You Barefoot and Pregnant
Hardhat #1: God don't care if you wearin' a choir robe.
Hardhat #2: Tha's right.
Hardhat #1: God don't care if you dressed like a priest.
Hardhat #2: Tha's right.
Hardhat #1: Because God don't care how you dressed.
--97th & Riverside Dr
Headline by: 6th Floor Blogger
Runners-Up:
· "God Would Prefer That You Remove the Ball-Gag During Communion" - dan
· "That's Right. But Could You Please Put on Some Pants?" - Babakganoosh
· "The Undiscovered 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Wear Crocs" - Meg
· "To Sum Up: God Loves Strippers." - RaindanceRichard
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Guess You Win
Lady #1: Hey, Bonnie.
Lady #2: Hi, how are you?
Lady #1: I don't know... One of my nurses quit today.
Lady #2: I was arrested yesterday.
--Elevator near Union Square
While Taking It Up the Ass?
Hipster guy: Yeah, like I'm gonna go see that queer Jersey Boys shit.
Hipster girl: Is there anything you would go see?
Hipster guy: No. Not some faggot-ass musical... Well, I might see Mary Poppins.
--1 train, 59th St
The Sirens Try to Lure Odysseus onto the Rocks
Friend #1, to singing friend: Can you just, shhh?
Friend #2: What? Am I embarrassing you or something? Is there a boy on this train you think is cute or something?
Friend #1: Just this hot one standing in front of me.
--F train
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: We will soon arrive in Penn Station, the happiest place on Earth. Penn Station is next.
--LIRR
Overheard by: MineolaBoy
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Let's go be happy in front of miserable people!
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Ashley
Hot chick on cell to girlfriend: I am really happy that she is now dating Greg... I am over him... But I am cuter than her!
--X28 Express Bus to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PDG
Middle-aged woman: Listen, I don't need no husband. You see how happy I am? It's because I have two cats and a vegetable crisper. I don't need no freakin' husband!
--Hair salon, East Village
Overheard by: edensnake
Security guard frowning at metal detector: This is my happy face.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: rage gage
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but the Macarena
Hipster girl: I didn't do too much... I had a dance-off with a shark...
--East Village
Overheard by: hoping she won
Conductor: No train Hokey Pokey! Either you're in or you're out!
--7 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: 7 train day tornado hit brooklyn
40-ish blonde on cell: So, he thought it was going to be more than a dinner date. That prick wanted to bang me after dinner. I just wanted a dance partner I could throw away at the end of the night.
--39th & 3rd
Overheard by: Mark
Street performer, to crowd: Get closer -- we don't have weapons... Don't be scared, it's just black guys dancing!
--New York Public Library
Guy to female passersby, about Chuck Taylors: My grandmother had a pair of those shoes. She used to breakdance with a wooden leg.
--Paul Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Lillian
Slow: Wednesday One-Liner-Xing
Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don't want to get run over or we can't have sushi.
--78th & Amsterdam
Cute girl halting before crossing into oncoming traffic: Okay, perhaps we should not die today.
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Traffic
Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!
--57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Chick zig-zagging across street: I just cannot get down with manholes! Scary, scary manholes. I try to avoid them at all costs.
--83rd & Broadway
Bored cop on megaphone: Please walk on the sidewalk. Stop walking in the middle of the street... Stop walking in the middle of the street. Use the sidewalks... See how you're on the black pavement? You want to be on concrete. See the cars trying to run you over? That's 'vehicular traffic.' Get out of its way.
--Next to Radio City Music Hall
Boyfriend following jaywalking girlfriend: That's illegal. [She ignores him.] That's illegal!
--6th & 4th, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Reach Out and Touch Someone
Hot chick: My phone has finally learned to spell 'cock' and 'anal'! I'm so proud!
--King's Head Tavern, 14th St
Overheard by: Argopelter
Girl on cell: Listen, you in Rikers -- you lucky you ain't get three years! ... And you stayin' there, 'cause I ain't bailin' you out... Oh, whatever -- if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't be usin' my daytime minutes.
--W train, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Juan Moment
Chick on cell: I am your phone sex Yoda! Come, my young padawan! Come!
--Steinway & Ditmars
Overheard by: using the force
Cross-eyed JAP on cell: No, seriously, it's not my phone. I think there's something wrong with my chin.
--Times Square
Overheard by: NathAnonymous
Are Your Wednesday One-Liners Tingling?
Professor: So, let's return to the topic of male nipples for a moment.
--Sophomore seminar, Bard High School Early College
JAP on cell: ... So I picked up and was like, 'Hello?' and she was all, 'Come on, we're going to get our nipples pierced.' And I was like, 'Oh. Um, okay.'
--49th & 7th
Biker chick: You don't understand! You don't understand that I can't feel my nipples right now!
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Gemma
Tough guy to another: We all bang. We love each other. So what if I pinched your nipples?! What's the big deal? I pinched your nipples!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Jim Conroy
Girl on cell: At the gallery, a woman offered me her nipple covers. She was like, 'Hey, do you want my nipple covers?' ... Yeah, it's been that kind of day.
--Stuyvesant Town
Shake That Wednesday One-Liner! Watch Yo'self!
Ghetto girl to booty-smacking friends who knocked into passerby: Damn, girl! See what happens when you got a big ass? Innocent bystanders get hit!
--7 train
Overheard by: bill R
Young guy: I don't know names, I just know booties and faces.
--11th St Pier
Truck driver to old lady standing off curb: Back that ass up!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Christine
Hobo to girl in striped spandex leggings: Ummm... Um, that's some ass. I wish I could develop lockjaw and never let go!
--E 5th St, between 1st & 2nd
Middle-aged guy: ... And so she's like, 'Why do you want a house in the Hamptons when you have a house in the city?' Why? Because I can't look at fine ass in the city.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Rosie
Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker -- I'll wear what I want to church on Sunday.
--Restaurant, 46th St
Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That's one church I won't go back to.
--F train
Overheard by: Kevin Z
Guy on cell: I don't need to fucking hear that at home! That's what I've got church for!
--Broome & Allen
Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick's: Stop crying -- I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral, 5th Ave
Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain't real.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gabriel