I Think You Should Listen to the Question Again

Girl: Oh, has your ear been penetrated?
Boy: It's called 'pierced,' Maddie, not 'penetrated.' Pierced.

--Central Park

I Wrote about This on my Application Essay

Dude #1, burping loudly: I know you're gassy if you have to fart a lot, but what are you if you have to burp a lot?
Dude #2: Same thing, in the opposite direction.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Wiley Willis

No -- And for Religious Reasons

Hipster #1: Have we had the bar mitzvah conversation yet?
Hipster #2: I thought you were a Mexican?
Hipster #1: I'm Brazilian. And Jewish.
Hipster #2: Are you fucking with me?

--Williamsburg

Perhaps Not for You

Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn't Coney Island!

--14th & Broadway

Overheard by: smirkingonlooker

Sometimes We Even Have Sex

Dude #1: Lots of people tell me I'm the gayest straight man they know.
Dude #2: Mmmm... No, I know a gayer straight guy than you.

--F station, Bergen St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Americans and Their Incomprehensible English

Tall foreign model #1: ... And we nicknamed each other's, you know, junk...
Tall foreign model #2: Really? What does he call yours?
Tall foreign model #1: He keeps calling it 'Gina' -- I don't get why.
Tall foreign model #2: Huh.

--12th & 4th

Hey, I Didn't Vote for Him

Loud woman: That nigga stupid!
Friend: You right.
Loud woman: Nah, he worse than stupid. That nigga retarded! Re-tar-ded!
Friend: He didn't even get good grades in college!

--F train

... Not to Mention Non-Jews

Hipster #1: So, everybody is moving to Park Slope.
Hipster #2: Who's everybody?
Hipster #1: I don't know... Jews...

--Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Emily

Upon Hearing This, Several New Yorkers Burst into Flames

Elderly tourist: This place is amazing. Exactly like Louisville.
Female companion: Yep. New York's just like Louisville.

--W 4th & Greene

But What Else Do We Know about Ann Coulter?

Girl #1: She's such a fucking bitch.
Girl #2: She's such a motherfucking bitch.
Girl #1: Yeah, but she's hot.
Girl #2: Yeah, she's really fucking hot.

--7th & Ave A

This Reality Show Has Gone Way Off Script

Crackhead: Excuse me, miss, but you don't look so good. Are you okay?
Hot, drunk chick vomiting in a trashcan: I'm supposed to be asking you that!

--66th St, Lincoln Center station

Demolition of My Conscience Is Almost Complete

Law student #1: How was your summer?
Law student #2: Off the hook. Italy is the third fucking world. Poverty kicks ass when you don't have to deal with it, like, every day.

--Mercer & 3rd

Wanna See Me Stop My Heart?

Girl #1: Oh, look, they have yoga.
Girl #2: Yeah, but it's all 'Breathe in, breathe out.' I hate that shit.

--Shake Shack line, Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Jacqui

Um... Nail Gun!

Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.

--True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw

They'll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year

Man yelling from upper floor: Bitch! You lucky I can't come down there and beat yo' ass!
Woman yelling up from street: That's why yo' ass is in there!

--Brooklyn House of Detention for Men

Overheard by: Jimbo Jones

We're Too Weird to Be Racist

White man to another: Before he shows up, you should probably know this guy's a top 100 digger.
Black man: What'd you call me?!
White man: Uh, I just said... We're nerds. It means we're nerds.

--Starbucks, Astor Pl

It All Started with That Damn Gene Kelly Movie

Thug #1: Look at all them people with umbrellas.
Thug #2: They all a bunch of chumps.
Thug #1: The only reason they have umbrellas is peer pressure!

--45th & Lex

Overheard by: EthanK

Is It Your Time of the Month, Josh?

Female clerk: Do we have Skinny Bitch down here?
Queer clerk: Oh, I don't know. What does she look like?
Female clerk: It's a book.
Queer clerk: Oh, we have books here, too.

--Barnes & Noble

But Isn't That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?

Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What's the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I'm a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won't make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]
Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.

--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

But Haven't That Collie's Tits Been through Enough?

Girl: What are you doing later?
Guy: Well, I was gonna go home, eat something, do some schoolwork, and then smoke some weed and do some coke. Want some?
Girl: Absolutely.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Only if we can do lines off Lina's* tits.
Guy: ... Oh my god, I want to date you.

--The Met

Along with Blue Balls and Shame

NYU brat #1: So, did you guys end up hooking up, or what?
NYU brat #2: Yeah, we dry-humped for, like, an hour.
NYU brat #1: Dry-humped?! What are we, back in, like, eighth grade?
NYU brat #2: What, you haven't heard? Dry-humping is sooo back in.

--NYU

Overheard by: CK

They Jerk Their Meat

Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she's Jamaican. You know how they are.

--Bergen St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dumbfounded

Headline by: Gutterlush

Runners-Up:
· "At Least She Isn't Dominican." - Jon
· "Even Their Chickens Are Jerks." - Howard Bannister
· "Psychic?" - Beryl
· "Racism! It's What's For Dinner" - Goldielox
· "You're Just Jealous You Can't Use Your Dreads As a Fork" - Chels


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And Who Makes Me Look Thin

Girl #1: Oh my god, my roommate is so weird. She keeps farting, but I don't smell anything.
Girl #2: She must be anorexic.
Girl #1: True! I didn't think of that. I'm so glad I'm friends with someone that got a scholarship!

--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Or she's bullemic.

Yes, Towering Mountains Sprouting before Me

Teen daughter: So, is this what you saw?
Mother: What?
Teen daughter: Is this what you saw when you took estrogen?

--Summer of Love: Art of the Psychedelic Era, Whitney Museum

Overheard by: flowerchild

She Photographs the Dinosaurs As a Reminder to Wear Moisturizer

JAP mom, looking at diorama of Neanderthals: Amanda was taking pictures of them before...
JAP daughter: It must be her goal weight.

--Museum of Natural History

Ultralubricated Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.

--Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms... or a house. But a car?

--6 train

Overheard by: Sabrina

Girl on cell: So I'm just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription... [Lowers voice] You know, my pills... What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don't get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!

--Duane Reade, 34th & Park

Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off

Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, 'What the heck?' and flung the condom across the room.

--Astor Pl

20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy 'Her pleasure' condoms for political reasons.

--Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!

--CVS

Over 1 Billion Wednesday One-Liners Served

Guy to friend: Yo! I'm mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] ... Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald's -- angus! Angus!

--4 train

Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald's! Someone's being a chubby chicken!

--Queens-bound N train

Overheard by: Onion

Hobo: Just so you know, they don't got liquor stores in heaven. They don't got no McDonald's, neither.

--1 train

Overheard by: Galen

Girl on cell: He's obsessed with America's Next Top Model... And he watches What Not to Wear... What? No... Mom, he said that McDonald's fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!

--Pratt Institute

Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don't want McDonald's, I don't know what I can get you.

--207th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm

Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.

--Houston & Mangin

Overheard by: How about a little to the left?

Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!

--Prospect Park

Overheard by: riana

Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don't want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there... Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.

--28th & 8th

Overheard by: Chuckell

Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn't want you in there because you're black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You're a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.

--W 4th St

Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?

Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin'? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?

--Times Square

Overheard by: Nicole

70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?

--Riverside Park

Drunken Don Juan: Hey... Miss... Miss... Ah... Is your husband... Is your husband married?

--Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sweet tea

Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.

--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave

Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I'm not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.

--78th & Columbus

Wednesday Catches a Bad Case of One-Liners

Crazy man: Now, you probably don't know this, but most of y'all have diabetes.

--1 train

Overheard by: bildita

Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: ... What's your sick policy? I was like, 'Stay the fuck away from me, and don't get me sick -- that's our sick policy!'

--13th & University

Overheard by: Dave D

Chick: I'da killed him if it wasn't for that damn leukemia.

--9th & Smith St station

Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?

--17th & 6th

Girl on cell: I'm like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you're clear, and then I come back and take over your body.

--33rd & 30th, Astoria

Overheard by: brigid

Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps

Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y'all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y'all don't need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I'll take four dollars! Look at me -- I got no education, and I turned out just fine.

--Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers

Wheelbo: I don't care what they say, I promise you I'll pay you back.

--Battery Park

Overheard by: MBS

Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker... Hey, at least I'm not bullshitting you.

--35th & 4th

Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!

--E train

Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don't you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!

--34th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas

Hobo: I was an extra in the movie [inaudible] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees screaming, 'I'm a born-again porno addict!'

--N train

Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don't know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!

--Outside adult video store, 14th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don't be so serious about it! It'll be okay! Here, did you know there's an animal rights group called 'Porn Stars for Pups'?

--The Black Sheep

Overheard by: Argopelter

Guy on cell, pushing by couple with baby in stroller: I'm not going to California! I pay her twelve hundred dollars per hour. If she doesn't sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hundred thirty-eight fucking grand yesterday! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!

--Horatio & Hudson

Overheard by: Stephen Lindsay

Angry girl to friend: Seriously, Chris, can't we go one day without talking about shizer porn?!

--East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg

Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, 'What? You want a pizza party?' and I said, 'No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.' And then she goes, 'Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I'll drop.

--59th & Lex N/R/W stop

Overheard by: koala

Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it's always a great party... Hmmm... Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite...

--34th & 3rd

20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year's Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Late-30s guy: I'm the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.

--House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday... Yeah, the party was that night.

--10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Suzz

Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks -- you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.

--2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St

Overheard by: Ben

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- I'm broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma's House 2. Please spare some change.

--F train

Overheard by: benny

20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.

--Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Diner: Yo, 'hyena' -- I know how that's spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.

--IHOP, Staten Island

Overheard by: explosivo

Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany's until I lent it to her... Tryin' to act like that's her shit...

--B train

Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.

--Brooklyn College

Overheard by: fival went east

Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!

--LaGuardia

Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

Wednesday One-Liners Add a Little Something Extra

Dad: Okay, girls! Now, we're on a very tight budget -- you can get ketchup, mustard, or barbecue sauce.

--Shea Stadium

Overheard by: bill R

Girl: Apparently I ate an entire jar of mustard.

--Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: and didn't notice?

Hot guy on cell: That's fine, but I just don't want to find the television smeared with peanut butter this time...

--96th & CPW

White chick: La Choy is the white trash of soy sauce!

--113th St

Overheard by: Meister E.

Man to hobo: If I had any more butter, I would give it to you, but I don't because I used it already.

--Howard St

Overheard by: havarthe

Foxy lady, to female dining companion: I could pour ketchup in your cleavage and dip a fry in it... Just dip it in! Why are people staring at us?

--Relish, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Justin Casement

The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners

Voice on PA system: Attention -- if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don't stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.

--Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Kate

Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don't believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen...

--2 train

Overheard by: beeloo

God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson -- what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you're going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!

--Roosevelt Ave station

Overheard by: How come Jesus didn't represent himself at the Crucifiction?

Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy -- whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?

--21st St

Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey... I'm in the Bronx, preaching... I told you last night, remember? I said, 'God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.' Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!

--6 train

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry

Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.

--Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Sarah

Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.

--Lower East Side

Overheard by: Aileen

UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I've decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.

--The Strand

Overheard by: losaida lois

Literary agent: God, I'm so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.

--W 35th St

Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.

--Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Well, Okay, but I Still Don't Get It

Little boy to mom: What do you mean, I'll appreciate them one day? I'll like bras?
Little girl: My mom's boyfriend likes bras, and he's only twenty-two.

--Victoria's Secret

Overheard by: Juliette

Would Make Our Jobs a Lot Harder

Woman stuck in bathroom, kicking and banging: Help me! [Inaudible yelling in Spanish.]
Conductor: Miss, don't push the door, slide the door!
Man: Some people just shouldn't be allowed on the train.

--NJ Transit

Overheard by: Erin

It's Got an Overheard in New York Quote!

Hawker lady: Read all about it! AM New York! Read all about it -- AM New York dot com!
Hawker guy, quietly to passersby: Don't read that shit. They make shit up. Here, have a Metro.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: go rangers!

Okay, One More Time -- There Are Two Kinds of Pies

Man #1: No one is going to eat this pie.
Man #2: Yeah, someone will.
Man #1: Well, not after I finger-fuck it!

--Union Square

Separated at Birth?

Hedge fund wannabe #1 pointing to poster: Barry Manilow!
Hedge fund wannabe #2: So gay!
Hedge fund wannabe #1: He looks like what Rod Stewart would be if Rod were a woman...

--53rd St station

Overheard by: Dennis

But I'm Only Taking That Advice because of Your Cup Size

Lady: If you want girls to like you, you need to learn how to be nice to them.
Boy: Okay.
Lady: I'm your teacher. You need to listen to me. You've got to open doors for them.
Boy: Uh-huh...
Lady: And you need to stop talking about their breasts!
Boy: All right! I get it!

--Grand Central

Reader Poll: Who's the Republican Here?

Screaming mom: You have no idea what goes on in this world! Open your eyes and get a goddamn clue already!
Laughing son, ignoring her: Derrr...

--Hudson & Bank

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

Actually, Meg Ryan's Just Had Too Much Eye Wor