Chick: The waiter said I couldn’t sit on his lap. Then he said not only couldn’t I sit on his lap, that the people next to us complained that I was sitting on his lap! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life, that you can’t sit on someone’s lap in a restaurant. And to blame the people next to us, who were lovely? –Our Place, 3rd Avenue
Disgruntled woman: You know, you could take someone's eye out if you're not careful with that umbrella.
Umbrella-wielding man, cheerily: That is perfectly okay!
–Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Lysa
Black dude #1, eating ice cream: My priorities in life is my family… Ummm… Food… And, ummm… Pussy.
Black dude #2: Yeah, I love pussy!
Black dude #1: I know, man. Me, too. I’m addicted to it.
Black dude #2: I wish it tasted more like Häagen-Dazs.
Black dude #1: Word!
Overheard by: Stavros L
Middle-aged man: The hell makes you think I'm following you?
MILF with baby: Oh, I dunno. Maybe because every time I turn around, you're standing there with that stupid, constipated look on your face!
Overheard by: Sketch
Guy #1: I mean, I dunno, she's a vegan, I just don't think I could have group sex with a vegan.
Guy #2: I could!
Overheard by: Liz V.
Guy #1: I took a three hour shower. Well, ’cause I passed out.
Guy #2: I’ve never taken a three hour shower. I’ve had a four hour bath… That gets unpleasant.
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Old lady: You know, I never liked the word ‘black.’ I much preferred ‘colored’ — it makes more sense. See, you’re not black, you’re brown like the color of toast.
Nurse: Ah, um, I’m just here to give you your meds.
–Albert Einstein Hospital
Bimbette: He’s so hot. And his chin is so sharp it could cut steel. No, wait, what’s stronger than steel?
Bimbette: Yes! Diamonds! Only diamonds can cut diamonds!
Friend: Well, yeah, but lasers can cut diamonds, too.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Guy: Dude! Did you just try to play duck-duck-goose with those people?
Other guy, running: Yeah, but they wouldn't participate!
Guy: Dude, give me a hug!
–McCarren Park, Williamsburg
Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he’s thirteen.
Dad: It says here [gestures to brochure] that if you’re eleven or younger, you get in free… How old are you?
Teen boy: Oh. Eleven.
Overheard by: Kelsey