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March 2008 Archives
A Bloodshot Retinal Scan Will Suffice
Man: Do you have ID?
Teenagers: Huh?
Man: 'cause you gotta be high to be in here!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: the imbiber
In Russia, That's Like a French Kiss
Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What's that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style.
--Nathan's at Coney Island
Overheard by: Brad Benson
Was He Actually Talking about *That*? Because That Would Be Sad.
Wannabe gangster, on opposite Up escalator, watching couple in their mid-20s kissing on Down escalator: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
[Girl flashes a thumbs-up behind the guy's back.]
Wannabe gangster: Yo, that bitch is COOL!
--AMC Theatre, Times Square
Overheard by: just eating popcorn
Dog: "Ugh! She Wants it AGAIN? I'm Only Canine!"
Girl #1: She wants a doggie.
Guy: A doggie?
Girl #1: Yeah, a doggie.
Girl #2: She likes it doggie?
Girl #1: That's the only reason she lives for.
--Fort Green, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rat
Lately Jesus Finds Himself Obsessively Playing 'Dead Rising'
Guy #1: The Jehovah Witnesses say the world is ending and the good will inherit the earth... So then what? The less good people will be the bad people, and little things will seem worse?
Guy #2: I don't get it, these religions are inconsistent. Is Jesus taking the good people with him or do the good people inherit the earth? I hope he takes them with him.
Guy #1: I spoke with Jesus and he doesn't know what's going on: he just got the Xbox 360 and said he could care less.
Guy #2: He sounds like a good guy.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Bobby
The Grateful Ones Are Best
Ghetto man, sticking his head into the car and yelling to no one in particular: Are you single? [Nobody replies.] Are you single?!
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I'm single.
[he walks over to her.]
Ghetto girl: My husband left me. After five years he just left. Said "I love Frank."
Ghetto man, announcing to the rest of the car: Did you hear that? This woman's husband left her for another man! [to the woman]: What's your phone number? [She gives out digits]
--F train
Overheard by: and she wonders why...
He Was Talking about His Son's Slutty Girlfrined
Southern tourist #1: Oh my god! Look! It's Junior's Cheesecake!
Southern tourist #2: Oh yeah! I've heard of them. They serve it at the Cheesecake Factory!
--Minskoff Theatre
Overheard by: Renee
Won't You Please Donate to Help These Poor Victims of Time Travel?
Shirtless old guy, walking over to a group of friends: Looks like you got a nice circle there, mind if I join you guys?
Stranger: No, I think we're good...
Shirtless old guy: Well, I'll be back...[looks up at the trees.] Do you see the pterodactyls? ...up there, the dinosaurs? [Wakes up a hobo on the benches.] Sir, you see them, don't you? ...pterodactyls...pkawww pkawww [flaps his arms.]
[back to the group of friends]
I'll be back. pkawww!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Arvind Chandra
Especially Ryan Adams
Hipster #1: No water?!?!
Hipster #2: I can't believe they're denying us the most basic necessity ... I hate everyone right now!
--McCarren Park Pool
Finally, Someone Understands That the Terms Are Mutually Exclusive.
Dude: I don't want coffee, I want Starbucks!
--Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: desire
Runners-Up:
· "And For The Last Time, I'm Not From The Bronx; I'm From Riverdale!" - Gutterlush
· "Howard Shultz: Don't Call It a Comeback, It That Easy, G!" - Drewp
· "I Can't Decipher That Small, Medium, Large Jargon They Use Everywhere Else." - Jessie Birks
· "Overheard in Seattle: Shit, They Know" - digital hash
· "The Top Conerns Of the Nation: War, Peace, and Finding a Starbucks" - abbitt the rabbitt
· "Yeah, Well I Really Don't Think We Have Time For a Handjob, Joe." - Idiocracy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Does Mom Know You're Out Here?
Homeless guy: Yo, yo. Can I get a donation to my broke-ass foundation?
Hipster guy: Sorry, dude.
Homeless guy: Aww, come on brother. Just pretend that you love me.
--5th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: some girl
Excuse Me, That's "Stuh-ray-et"
Tourist #1: This is us.
Tourist #2: You sure?
Tourist #1: Yup, Cay-null Street.
--N train, Canal St station
Overheard by: sara n.
She Understands Accessories
Man in paper hat, leather jacket covered in soda can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don't understand her language. I'm better off with... [Steps back to peer at magazine a girl is reading] I'm better off with that one. What's her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I'm better off with Tyra.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
Let's Try Feeding Her and See What Happens
Girlfriend: So, do you think Fiona is really crazy?
Boyfriend: No, I just think she is hungry.
--Fiona Apple concert, Central Park
Overheard by: Nicole B.
Unwanted Foreigners
Cashier: Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.
Customer: Thanks. Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi around here?
Cashier: Well, you are in Midtown Manhattan, so it's pretty easy.
Customer: Thanks.
Cashier: Where are you from?
Customer: Staten Island.
Cashier, under breath: Figures...
--J. Crew, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Al
Consider Yourself Provisionally Forgiven
Chick #1: I didn't call you fat.
Chick #2: Yes, you did! I remember it vividly! But it's okay, 'cause I just forgot.
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: may
No Wonder Mom Slaps You
Father: Do you want some juice now? Want juice?
Two-year-old boy: Be patient.
--G train
... But You're Still a Bitch
Man: Bitch, why you gotta make things so complicated?
Woman: I'm always complicated. You oughta be used to it by now.
Man: Yeah, that's true.
--14th St crosswalk
Overheard by: Leslie
He Was Wearing a Ten-Gallon Hat
Old lady #1: His head was between my legs.
Old lady #2: Was he big?
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
Now Turn Around Again
Girl: God, there's nowhere in the Lower East Side to order wine!
Guy passerby: Turn around.
Girl: No, I mean, like, in a bar.
--Outside 'inoteca Wine Bar, 98 Rivington
Maybe We Could Find a Chinese Restaurant in Italy
Teacher #1: I heard on the radio that the Chinese people are the ones that make the pasta. You know, the noodles.
Teacher #2: I did the research and it is pretty cheap to go to Italy. I wanna go.
--Elevator, 55 Broad St
Overheard by: Rob M
The G-Spot Is Inside You
Girl #1: I swear! This place exists!
Girl #2: If this place exists, then how come I can't see it?
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Bones
Even Straight Guys Feel This Way
Guy #1: He came up and said, 'Hey, big boy, wanna ring my bell?'
Guy #2: And...?
Guy #1: And of course I said I didn't! But... it was nice being asked.
--The Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Impatiently Waiting in Line for her Peanut Butter
Then You'll Be a Very Special Kind of Bitch
Mom, to little girl: Don't you ever say 'bitch' again, or I will knock all of your teeth out!
--6 train
He Wasn't, Incidentally
Hot girl #1: It's the guy on the end of the train.
Hot girl #2: Wow. It's amazing the human body can smell like that and still be alive.
--Coney Island-bound F train
Cerebral Cortex? No....
Sorority girl tourist #1, about photo of guy on camera phone: Look at this gluteus maximus.
Sorority girl tourist #2: Oooh, nice gluteus maximus. Hey, what's with all the weird body part names, anyway? Gluteus maximus...
Sorority girl tourist #1: Vulva...
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Dolores!
"Imagine there's no neurons/ It's easy if you try"
Female attorney: Bush said that America will rebuild Lennon. Why should we? We didn't bomb them. We have enough problems of our own to worry about. Bush is nuts!
Male attorney: Lennon's been dead for over 25 years.
--Outside Civil Court, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
When the Pretenders Ride the Train
Guy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention for a second, please? [All the strap hangers look at him.] Thank you for your attention. [Gets off the train.]
--6 train
Overheard by: Luke
Their Ad Expenditures Exceed Their Revenue
Hobo with jar around his neck reading "TIPS" is approached by another hobo wearing a sign reading "CLASSIC BUM." An American Apparel employee comes out and takes a Polariod.
"TIPS" hobo: This is a Bum War, lady. But you like what you see? Spare some change?
--Houston & Orchard
How Copy Editors Blow Off Steam
Metrosexual guy: If I was some fish...
Girl, not looking up from her bus schedule: Grammar just cried.
Metrosexual guy: I don't follow you.
Girl: Good, because if you did, I would have to have you arrested.
Metrosexual guy: I am so confused.
Girl: Do the words 'you are an idiot' confuse you?
Metrosexual guy: I hate you.
--28th & 5th
We Have Special Clubs for That
30-something fag hag: I mean, cum is a fine substance. In small quantities it can even be kind of pleasant. But you wouldn't want a bucket of it.
Queer: Speak for yourself.
--Miracle Grill
Overheard by: Trying not to choke on my nachos
Where's That?
Tourist suit: Excuse me, can you tell me where the Empire State Building is?
Guy: Just look up, man.
--32nd & 5th
Overheard by: still looks up
You Know, If the Developing World Can't Keep Track of Itself, What Chance Do the Rest of Us Have?
Filipino girl #1: So, he's from Bangladesh, right?
White guy: Really? Are you sure? 'Cause he looks white...
Filipino girl #2: Yeah, but he's really Filipino. Bangladesh is in Asia, right?
Filipino girl #1: Yeah, but not our part, which is why he doesn't look completely white like me.
--1 train
Even Jabba Liked Pretty Girls
Girl: He's gross.
Guy: Well, he likes you.
Girl: He's like Jabba the Hut!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Shivvers
On Appeal, the Court Reverses the Cookie Transaction and Remands the Name Issue to the District Court for Adjudication
Little girl #1: What's your name?
Little girl #2: No!
Little girl #1: Want a cookie?
Little girl #2, snatching it and shoving it in her mouth: No!
--Sandbox, Prospect Park
Overheard by: braincurve
"Titanic," before the Script Doctor
Chick: Hey, how's it going?
Dude: Hey, wassup?
Chick: Not much. It's so weird to see you outside.
Dude: I know. I told you I lived near you.
Chick: Oh, yeah. I remember now.
Dude: What are you doing here?
Chick: Heard the coffee here is pretty famous.
Dude: Yeah, it is.
Chick: Anyways, I gotta go, but do you even know my name?
Dude: No...
Chick: What? I know yours. Tony, right?
Dude: No. I'm Dennis.
Chick: Oh, shit. Okay, Dennis. I'm Sonia. Anyways, gotta go. I will see you again, okay?
Dude: Alright. Bye.
Chick: Bye.
--Central Park
And Some Potpourri
Straight Jewish boy: Oh, man, with going now to see the Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford, plus I saw 3:10 to Yuma last week, I'm going to have seen two westerns in the past two weeks. I feel so manly.
Hipster girl: Don't worry, we can go get you a throw pillow later.
--Outside the Angelika
Probably Consensual, Anyway
Witness #1: Damn, he slapped the shit out of her.
Witness #2: Use your phone and call the cops.
Witness #1: Hell no. You saw what he just did to his girl -- imagine what he would do to me!
--Flatbush area
Overheard by: Damion
Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become President
Big guy: My grandmother is a science teacher, my father is a math teacher, and my brother is going to be a professor.
Little chick: And you want to be an actor -- what a disappointment.
Big guy: Well, if the acting thing doesn't work out, I'll be a gym teacher, because those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: teetee
He Could Also Bite Your Knee-caps Off, So Be Careful
Dwarf with walking disability: Could you go upstairs and get me a glass of water?
Man: Water? To drink?
Dwarf: Yeah, to drink. What do you think I'm gonna do with it, wash my hair?
Nearby woman: You could swim in it, I guess.
--Abington Theatre Lobby
Overheard by: Chris
Eventually They Both Discovered New York's Sequential Street-Numbering Scheme
Hippie kid: Hey, man, do you know which way North is?
Club kid: Wow, I'm bad with directions...
Hippie kid: So, does that mean you don't know how to get to 15th Street?
Club kid: Oh, yeah! I can give someone the right directions for once! It's that way [points to 13th Street.
--14th & 8th
Until Uncle Walter Showed Me.
Girl #1: So, I watched that movie Thirteen the other night. It was awesome.
Girl #2: Yeah, that was a really good movie. The girls in that movie were so mature for 13-year-olds. When I was 13, I didn't even know what an ovary was!
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
His Heart Flutters at the Mere Sight of a Lilac-Scented Hanky
Suit #1: It's not that I don't like golf, but it is so similar to croquet, yet everyone makes fun of me for playing croquet!
Suit #2: Well, maybe it is because it's an old lady's sport.
Suit #1: Well, then goddammit -- old ladies sure know how to have fun!
--59th & Broadway
Nuh-Unh!
Man: I don't have a thousand dollars to give you.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I don't. I can give you some money today, but I don't have a thousand.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I can write you a check later this week, but I don't have a thousand right now.
Woman: You do too, sir.
--Courtroom D, 100 Center St
Overheard by: Inkling
And Yet We Are Living in a Material World, Is It Not So?
White guy, feeling shirt material: This is nice. What kind of fabric is this shirt?
Black guy: It's, uh... grey.
White guy: Grey? That shit's not a material!
--Century 21
Here, Use My Machete
Girl: I haven't done anything fun this summer. I'm so bored.
Guy friend: Go hunting. Man hunting.
--6 train
The Creationists Are Going to Love This One
Ghetto girl: Hey, look! What's that? I think it's an egg!
Friend: What the hell?! What's wrong with you? Monkeys don't lay eggs!
Ghetto girl: ... Well, how was I supposed to know that?!
--Bronx Zoo, Jungle World
Overheard by: cracking up behind them
Strongly Doubt Walt Would Have Given a Starring Role to a Black Person, Even a Deer
Teen thug #1: This weekend, I'm goin' huntin'.
Teen thug #2: You goin' kill Bambi?
Teen thug #1: Yeahhh, I'll shoot that nigga!
--Staten Island Projects