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March 2008 Archives
A Bloodshot Retinal Scan Will Suffice
Man: Do you have ID?
Teenagers: Huh?
Man: 'cause you gotta be high to be in here!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: the imbiber
In Russia, That's Like a French Kiss
Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What's that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style.
--Nathan's at Coney Island
Overheard by: Brad Benson
Was He Actually Talking about *That*? Because That Would Be Sad.
Wannabe gangster, on opposite Up escalator, watching couple in their mid-20s kissing on Down escalator: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
[Girl flashes a thumbs-up behind the guy's back.]
Wannabe gangster: Yo, that bitch is COOL!
--AMC Theatre, Times Square
Overheard by: just eating popcorn
Dog: "Ugh! She Wants it AGAIN? I'm Only Canine!"
Girl #1: She wants a doggie.
Guy: A doggie?
Girl #1: Yeah, a doggie.
Girl #2: She likes it doggie?
Girl #1: That's the only reason she lives for.
--Fort Green, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rat
Lately Jesus Finds Himself Obsessively Playing 'Dead Rising'
Guy #1: The Jehovah Witnesses say the world is ending and the good will inherit the earth... So then what? The less good people will be the bad people, and little things will seem worse?
Guy #2: I don't get it, these religions are inconsistent. Is Jesus taking the good people with him or do the good people inherit the earth? I hope he takes them with him.
Guy #1: I spoke with Jesus and he doesn't know what's going on: he just got the Xbox 360 and said he could care less.
Guy #2: He sounds like a good guy.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Bobby
The Grateful Ones Are Best
Ghetto man, sticking his head into the car and yelling to no one in particular: Are you single? [Nobody replies.] Are you single?!
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I'm single.
[he walks over to her.]
Ghetto girl: My husband left me. After five years he just left. Said "I love Frank."
Ghetto man, announcing to the rest of the car: Did you hear that? This woman's husband left her for another man! [to the woman]: What's your phone number? [She gives out digits]
--F train
Overheard by: and she wonders why...
He Was Talking about His Son's Slutty Girlfrined
Southern tourist #1: Oh my god! Look! It's Junior's Cheesecake!
Southern tourist #2: Oh yeah! I've heard of them. They serve it at the Cheesecake Factory!
--Minskoff Theatre
Overheard by: Renee
Won't You Please Donate to Help These Poor Victims of Time Travel?
Shirtless old guy, walking over to a group of friends: Looks like you got a nice circle there, mind if I join you guys?
Stranger: No, I think we're good...
Shirtless old guy: Well, I'll be back...[looks up at the trees.] Do you see the pterodactyls? ...up there, the dinosaurs? [Wakes up a hobo on the benches.] Sir, you see them, don't you? ...pterodactyls...pkawww pkawww [flaps his arms.]
[back to the group of friends]
I'll be back. pkawww!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Arvind Chandra
Especially Ryan Adams
Hipster #1: No water?!?!
Hipster #2: I can't believe they're denying us the most basic necessity ... I hate everyone right now!
--McCarren Park Pool
Finally, Someone Understands That the Terms Are Mutually Exclusive.
Dude: I don't want coffee, I want Starbucks!
--Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: desire
Runners-Up:
· "And For The Last Time, I'm Not From The Bronx; I'm From Riverdale!" - Gutterlush
· "Howard Shultz: Don't Call It a Comeback, It That Easy, G!" - Drewp
· "I Can't Decipher That Small, Medium, Large Jargon They Use Everywhere Else." - Jessie Birks
· "Overheard in Seattle: Shit, They Know" - digital hash
· "The Top Conerns Of the Nation: War, Peace, and Finding a Starbucks" - abbitt the rabbitt
· "Yeah, Well I Really Don't Think We Have Time For a Handjob, Joe." - Idiocracy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Does Mom Know You're Out Here?
Homeless guy: Yo, yo. Can I get a donation to my broke-ass foundation?
Hipster guy: Sorry, dude.
Homeless guy: Aww, come on brother. Just pretend that you love me.
--5th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: some girl
Excuse Me, That's "Stuh-ray-et"
Tourist #1: This is us.
Tourist #2: You sure?
Tourist #1: Yup, Cay-null Street.
--N train, Canal St station
Overheard by: sara n.
She Understands Accessories
Man in paper hat, leather jacket covered in soda can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don't understand her language. I'm better off with... [Steps back to peer at magazine a girl is reading] I'm better off with that one. What's her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I'm better off with Tyra.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
Let's Try Feeding Her and See What Happens
Girlfriend: So, do you think Fiona is really crazy?
Boyfriend: No, I just think she is hungry.
--Fiona Apple concert, Central Park
Overheard by: Nicole B.
Unwanted Foreigners
Cashier: Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.
Customer: Thanks. Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi around here?
Cashier: Well, you are in Midtown Manhattan, so it's pretty easy.
Customer: Thanks.
Cashier: Where are you from?
Customer: Staten Island.
Cashier, under breath: Figures...
--J. Crew, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Al
Consider Yourself Provisionally Forgiven
Chick #1: I didn't call you fat.
Chick #2: Yes, you did! I remember it vividly! But it's okay, 'cause I just forgot.
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: may
No Wonder Mom Slaps You
Father: Do you want some juice now? Want juice?
Two-year-old boy: Be patient.
--G train
... But You're Still a Bitch
Man: Bitch, why you gotta make things so complicated?
Woman: I'm always complicated. You oughta be used to it by now.
Man: Yeah, that's true.
--14th St crosswalk
Overheard by: Leslie
He Was Wearing a Ten-Gallon Hat
Old lady #1: His head was between my legs.
Old lady #2: Was he big?
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
Now Turn Around Again
Girl: God, there's nowhere in the Lower East Side to order wine!
Guy passerby: Turn around.
Girl: No, I mean, like, in a bar.
--Outside 'inoteca Wine Bar, 98 Rivington
Maybe We Could Find a Chinese Restaurant in Italy
Teacher #1: I heard on the radio that the Chinese people are the ones that make the pasta. You know, the noodles.
Teacher #2: I did the research and it is pretty cheap to go to Italy. I wanna go.
--Elevator, 55 Broad St
Overheard by: Rob M
The G-Spot Is Inside You
Girl #1: I swear! This place exists!
Girl #2: If this place exists, then how come I can't see it?
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Bones
Even Straight Guys Feel This Way
Guy #1: He came up and said, 'Hey, big boy, wanna ring my bell?'
Guy #2: And...?
Guy #1: And of course I said I didn't! But... it was nice being asked.
--The Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Impatiently Waiting in Line for her Peanut Butter
Then You'll Be a Very Special Kind of Bitch
Mom, to little girl: Don't you ever say 'bitch' again, or I will knock all of your teeth out!
--6 train
He Wasn't, Incidentally
Hot girl #1: It's the guy on the end of the train.
Hot girl #2: Wow. It's amazing the human body can smell like that and still be alive.
--Coney Island-bound F train
Cerebral Cortex? No....
Sorority girl tourist #1, about photo of guy on camera phone: Look at this gluteus maximus.
Sorority girl tourist #2: Oooh, nice gluteus maximus. Hey, what's with all the weird body part names, anyway? Gluteus maximus...
Sorority girl tourist #1: Vulva...
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Dolores!
"Imagine there's no neurons/ It's easy if you try"
Female attorney: Bush said that America will rebuild Lennon. Why should we? We didn't bomb them. We have enough problems of our own to worry about. Bush is nuts!
Male attorney: Lennon's been dead for over 25 years.
--Outside Civil Court, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
When the Pretenders Ride the Train
Guy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention for a second, please? [All the strap hangers look at him.] Thank you for your attention. [Gets off the train.]
--6 train
Overheard by: Luke
Their Ad Expenditures Exceed Their Revenue
Hobo with jar around his neck reading "TIPS" is approached by another hobo wearing a sign reading "CLASSIC BUM." An American Apparel employee comes out and takes a Polariod.
"TIPS" hobo: This is a Bum War, lady. But you like what you see? Spare some change?
--Houston & Orchard
How Copy Editors Blow Off Steam
Metrosexual guy: If I was some fish...
Girl, not looking up from her bus schedule: Grammar just cried.
Metrosexual guy: I don't follow you.
Girl: Good, because if you did, I would have to have you arrested.
Metrosexual guy: I am so confused.
Girl: Do the words 'you are an idiot' confuse you?
Metrosexual guy: I hate you.
--28th & 5th
We Have Special Clubs for That
30-something fag hag: I mean, cum is a fine substance. In small quantities it can even be kind of pleasant. But you wouldn't want a bucket of it.
Queer: Speak for yourself.
--Miracle Grill
Overheard by: Trying not to choke on my nachos
Where's That?
Tourist suit: Excuse me, can you tell me where the Empire State Building is?
Guy: Just look up, man.
--32nd & 5th
Overheard by: still looks up
You Know, If the Developing World Can't Keep Track of Itself, What Chance Do the Rest of Us Have?
Filipino girl #1: So, he's from Bangladesh, right?
White guy: Really? Are you sure? 'Cause he looks white...
Filipino girl #2: Yeah, but he's really Filipino. Bangladesh is in Asia, right?
Filipino girl #1: Yeah, but not our part, which is why he doesn't look completely white like me.
--1 train
Even Jabba Liked Pretty Girls
Girl: He's gross.
Guy: Well, he likes you.
Girl: He's like Jabba the Hut!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Shivvers
On Appeal, the Court Reverses the Cookie Transaction and Remands the Name Issue to the District Court for Adjudication
Little girl #1: What's your name?
Little girl #2: No!
Little girl #1: Want a cookie?
Little girl #2, snatching it and shoving it in her mouth: No!
--Sandbox, Prospect Park
Overheard by: braincurve
"Titanic," before the Script Doctor
Chick: Hey, how's it going?
Dude: Hey, wassup?
Chick: Not much. It's so weird to see you outside.
Dude: I know. I told you I lived near you.
Chick: Oh, yeah. I remember now.
Dude: What are you doing here?
Chick: Heard the coffee here is pretty famous.
Dude: Yeah, it is.
Chick: Anyways, I gotta go, but do you even know my name?
Dude: No...
Chick: What? I know yours. Tony, right?
Dude: No. I'm Dennis.
Chick: Oh, shit. Okay, Dennis. I'm Sonia. Anyways, gotta go. I will see you again, okay?
Dude: Alright. Bye.
Chick: Bye.
--Central Park
And Some Potpourri
Straight Jewish boy: Oh, man, with going now to see the Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford, plus I saw 3:10 to Yuma last week, I'm going to have seen two westerns in the past two weeks. I feel so manly.
Hipster girl: Don't worry, we can go get you a throw pillow later.
--Outside the Angelika
Probably Consensual, Anyway
Witness #1: Damn, he slapped the shit out of her.
Witness #2: Use your phone and call the cops.
Witness #1: Hell no. You saw what he just did to his girl -- imagine what he would do to me!
--Flatbush area
Overheard by: Damion
Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become President
Big guy: My grandmother is a science teacher, my father is a math teacher, and my brother is going to be a professor.
Little chick: And you want to be an actor -- what a disappointment.
Big guy: Well, if the acting thing doesn't work out, I'll be a gym teacher, because those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: teetee
He Could Also Bite Your Knee-caps Off, So Be Careful
Dwarf with walking disability: Could you go upstairs and get me a glass of water?
Man: Water? To drink?
Dwarf: Yeah, to drink. What do you think I'm gonna do with it, wash my hair?
Nearby woman: You could swim in it, I guess.
--Abington Theatre Lobby
Overheard by: Chris
Eventually They Both Discovered New York's Sequential Street-Numbering Scheme
Hippie kid: Hey, man, do you know which way North is?
Club kid: Wow, I'm bad with directions...
Hippie kid: So, does that mean you don't know how to get to 15th Street?
Club kid: Oh, yeah! I can give someone the right directions for once! It's that way [points to 13th Street.
--14th & 8th
Until Uncle Walter Showed Me.
Girl #1: So, I watched that movie Thirteen the other night. It was awesome.
Girl #2: Yeah, that was a really good movie. The girls in that movie were so mature for 13-year-olds. When I was 13, I didn't even know what an ovary was!
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
His Heart Flutters at the Mere Sight of a Lilac-Scented Hanky
Suit #1: It's not that I don't like golf, but it is so similar to croquet, yet everyone makes fun of me for playing croquet!
Suit #2: Well, maybe it is because it's an old lady's sport.
Suit #1: Well, then goddammit -- old ladies sure know how to have fun!
--59th & Broadway
Nuh-Unh!
Man: I don't have a thousand dollars to give you.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I don't. I can give you some money today, but I don't have a thousand.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I can write you a check later this week, but I don't have a thousand right now.
Woman: You do too, sir.
--Courtroom D, 100 Center St
Overheard by: Inkling
And Yet We Are Living in a Material World, Is It Not So?
White guy, feeling shirt material: This is nice. What kind of fabric is this shirt?
Black guy: It's, uh... grey.
White guy: Grey? That shit's not a material!
--Century 21
Here, Use My Machete
Girl: I haven't done anything fun this summer. I'm so bored.
Guy friend: Go hunting. Man hunting.
--6 train
The Creationists Are Going to Love This One
Ghetto girl: Hey, look! What's that? I think it's an egg!
Friend: What the hell?! What's wrong with you? Monkeys don't lay eggs!
Ghetto girl: ... Well, how was I supposed to know that?!
--Bronx Zoo, Jungle World
Overheard by: cracking up behind them
Strongly Doubt Walt Would Have Given a Starring Role to a Black Person, Even a Deer
Teen thug #1: This weekend, I'm goin' huntin'.
Teen thug #2: You goin' kill Bambi?
Teen thug #1: Yeahhh, I'll shoot that nigga!
--Staten Island Projects
The Other White Trash
Guy taking out trash: Oh, man, this is pretty gross.
Girl: Yes, it's full of your semen.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: LB
Five O'Clock Shadow?
Guy #1: Did I tell you I saw a woman's pussy on the train today?
Guy #2: Nah, man.
Guy #1: Yeah, this chick sat opposite me in the shortest skirt, and her pussy was just like, BAM! There!
Guy #2: No way! She had no panties?
Guy #1: Of course. She was Hispanic.
Guy #2: Was that shit shaved?
Guy #1: I... uhhh... It was definitely buzzed.
--12th & Washington
I Hear He's Looking for a Cabin Boy, If You Know What I Mean
Conductor: All tickets... Ticket, please.
Drunk pirate guy: I, uh... I don't have any money... Uh [unintelligible slurring]...
Man nearby: Hey, conductor, ask for the fare in doubloons, or pieces of eight!
--Eastbound LIRR
Overheard by: Alex
If by "Fun" You Mean Lying on the Floor Drooling, Then Yes.
Guy #1: Dude, I've got nub.
Guy #2: I've got rocks.
Guy #1: Word.
Guy #2: Oh, let's put them in the hookah and smoke all of them at the same time. I heard it's a fun game.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Samantha
Sorry, Proving Your Opponent Right Is Not a Valid Counter-Argument
Customer: Maybe you should just quit your job.
Employee: Maybe you should just shut the fuck up!
--PATH train, 125th St
Overheard by: vegannramember
I'm Sketchy in a Much Cooler Way
Girl #1: Yeah, I got a fake ID yesterday at 42nd Street.
Girl #2: Oh my god, let me see!
Girl #3: Yeah, I wanna see, too!
Girl #1: No way. We're not passing it around. I'm not sketchy like that.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
It's Like Iraq: the Curds Get in the Whey
Girl: ... And then she put it in front of me, and I was like, 'Hello! I hate cottage cheese!'
Queer friend: Oh my god. Cottage cheese is albino diarrhea!
--90th & Broadway
He Put His Foot in His Mouth One Time Too Many
Teen girl on cell: So, where are you? So, what happened? Not to your shoe! In the hospital?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
She's Not So Good with Things Not Discussed on "Sex and the City"
Customer: Can you tell me if there are any locations in the Washington DC or Baltimore areas?
Secretary: Um where is Baltimore?
Customer: It's in Maryland.
Secretary: No, we don't have any in Maryland... And DC -- where is DC?
Customer: Like, Washington DC...
Secretary: It says we don't have any in that state. There's some close by in Arizonia and California though.
Customer: No, Washington DC -- like, our nation's capitol.
Secretary: No, I don't think so. Sorry, I'm not so good with geography.
--Brite Smile, 57th St
Overheard by: Tracey G
Also the Argument for Laxative Abuse
Guy: I guess I'd rather be bulimic than anorexic.
Girl: Oh, why?
Guy: Well, I guess it's the more satisfying eating disorder, cause you can taste yourself getting skinnier every time you vomit!
--40th & Park
Overheard by: Mal
And the Gypsies Just Aren't Nabbing Them Like They Used to
Flustered woman, about her brood: Have we lost anyone yet?
Husband: Ummm... No.
Flustered woman: Well, who are we going to lose first? Because we haven't lost anyone yet.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Josh
Headline by: Aeirlys
Runners-Up:
· "Because Abortion THIS Late in the Term Is Just Tacky" - Hillary Claire
· "Hobos Aren't Born. They're Made." - Krisztina
· "It Looked So Much Easier in Home Alone" - You Don't Want To Know
· "Things Were Shaky Until Fraulein Maria Came Along" - allison
· "Two Roads Diverged in the Woods - I Chose the One My Children Couldn't Travel" - Drewp
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Five Years Till It's Available Only on DVD
Bible-thumping lady: Get your Bible! We only have approximately five years left!
Passerby: Five years! Fuck! I gotta get movin'!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Adam Bertocci
A Hipster in CoolMax Is Like a Goth in Tennis Whites
Hipster chick: ... And she was wearing velvet?! Velvet! How can you wear velvet in this heat?!
Bicycle jock: Maybe it was CoolMax.
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Except with More Cocaine
Tween boy, pointing at bumper sticker: Cool, Venezuela.
Guy unloading car: No, it says 'Villanova.'
Tween: What's that?
Guy: It's a college.
Tween: Oh. [To himself] Is that in Venezuela?
Passerby: Yep.
--1st & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Kate
Haha! You Said "Wednesday One-Liners"!
Professor: So, the probability you're dealing with a straight is determined by what comes out the back end here.
--Statistics lecture, Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles
Blonde hairstylist to male customer: Men are easy. I could do 15 men a day.
--Upscale hair salon
NYU professor about expertise involved in determining chicken gender: When was the last time you turned over a chick?
--NYU
Biology professor: Homo erectus? Homosapiens? I don't know... So many homos.
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Catherine
Prim older lady: You guys could eat out. Also, you could go out for dinner... Yes, I'm twelve.
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula and Winifred
Wednesday Just Can't Commit to a One-Liner
Mid-20s girl: I never date a guy who gets more than three questions wrong on the SATs. I don't plan it, it just works out that way.
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Limey
Hipster on cell: I went through this time when I was like, 'I could have 800 girlfriends at the same time and just not tell them about each other.' That was much easier...
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Guy pointing to nothing in particular on the sidewalk: Uh, dude, you dropped your girlfriend.
--Times Square
Overheard by: christine
Muslim woman in full abaya, dragging husband along: Right now I need to focus on my needs. Do you hear me? This is about my needs!
--Atlantic Ave, in front of Brooklyn Heights YMCA
Man to woman on the sidewalk: Well, we had our one, but it wasn't so much a fight as it was a mini-series.
--12th, between 6th & 5th
Overheard by: Karen
Girl: My asshole boyfriend! I was just staying with him until Valentine's Day so that I could get a present, and tomorrow he's history! But then I didn't even get that!
--NYU Silver Center
Wednesday One-Liners Click "It's Complicated"
Chick: It's about your cyber personality, and if your cyber personality doesn't want to be in a relationship with me on Facebook, that's okay!
--NYU Hayden Staircase
Coed: I don't know... if Sheryl* with the two kids by the two different baby-daddies can have a good MySpace, I think pretty much anyone should be able to do it.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: ImmaculatePizza
Hipster girl: It looks like MySpace exploded in there!
--The Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St
Overheard by: Cassie
20-something girl: So, the quadriplegic I hooked up with added me as a friend on Facebook last night.
--Chipotle, 51st & 8th
Geek prophet: No one is ever away from Google, really.
--Near Holland Tunnel
Overheard by: Claire H.
Angry chick, to boyfriend: Look, I'm not changing my Facebook status!
--6th & Ave A
Overheard by: Kremilyse
30-ish woman: I said I wouldn't date him 'til he gets rid of the typos on his MySpace profile... Am I a snob?
--Tom's Diner, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: ball-and-veining tool
The Wednesday One-Liner Says, "Move on Back"
Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don't like to be alone!
--B41 bus
Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College -- where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, 'Oh, I'm too old,' well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC... And remember, knowledge is power.
--Q27 Bayside bus
Overheard by: Caro-kun
Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.
--M79 bus
Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.
--M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Stephen B.
Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn't any crack that way! Relax!
--Atlantic Ave
Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.
--B1 bus, Kingsborough College
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Break the Curve
Asian girl to friend: You know her! She's the Asian girl -- you know, the one with the eyes!
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Chuckles
Little boy about Japanese man: Mom, how come that man is closing his eyes all the time?!
--Liberty St
Overheard by: galgal
Emo Asian boy: You can recover from drug or alcohol addictions, but there is no cure for Asianism.
--Weinstein Dining Hall, NYU
Drunk Asian man: Did you see that mosaic? It's all wrong. The Asians were all one shade of yellow. What kind of art work is that? Look at me and my people -- we're multiple shades!
--R train
20-something woman: Being an Asian and being a tranny aren't the same thing.
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude
Guy holding baby: I've decided I'm going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies.
--Strand Bookstore
American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that's because I met him.
--Jake's Saloon, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: poor kid's gonna fail that test
Rich mom with two kids: ... And it was named after our country's first president, Christopher Columbus.
--117th & Broadway
Overheard by: doesn't get columbus day off
Guy to friend: If I can make it through the '80s, I can make it through anything.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: squishduck
Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that's when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, 'You're going to Hell!'
--Fordham University - Rose Hill
Overheard by: Christina
Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s?
--NYU dorm
Overheard by: Danimal
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Porcupine Quills
Woman on crowded train: They're gonna make me eat the pole.
--E train
Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to
Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren't, you better get off of me!
--Crowded Q27 bus
Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!
--C train
Overheard by: Maggie
Bus driver: Move it back, people, it's crowded. It's gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say -- 'If it's tight, it's alright.'
--10th St & Ave D
Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.
--F train, Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Wednesday One-Liners Get an "A" in Conduct
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars... [Couple tries to go through conductor's booth.] Please step out onto the platform... [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
--1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What's the matter, ladies, you don't like my traaain?
--6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
--L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
--7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine's Day, especially all you ladies.
--A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train... Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I'm talking to you, genius... Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Carol Ann
Wednesday One-Liners Are Going to Need to Wand You
Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down...
--Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave
Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Susan
Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! ... And wave 'em around like you just don't care!
--NYU SIlver Building
Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife's purse, and kick that guy out!
--Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert
Overheard by: j-bones
Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners
Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I'm so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!
--Times Square
Overheard by: biting my tongue
Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.
--Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Sean McGurr
Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!
--125th St
Overheard by: Kerry & Bob
Suit: ... So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips...
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish
Suit on cell: ... So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn't get the zoning for a tunnel, so he's building a retractable bridge.
--55th & Park
Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.
--Liberty & Broadway
Overheard by: Mondo Man
All We Need Is a Wednesday One-Liner in the White House
Middle-aged black woman: William Shatner should run for president or governor or mayor or something... He's got the charisma.
--Staten Island Ferry snack bar
Overheard by: Stephanie
Hobo spinning in circles: 'Bout time we got some poontang in the White House! There's a first time for everything!
--117th & Broadway
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Thug, watching Elliot Spitzer and Chuck Schumer drive by: Who da fuck these niggas?
--Super Bowl Parade
Overheard by: No idea
Scholar: I'm voting for Osama Barack.
--F train
Overheard by: Terrorized
Conductor: Grand Central Station. Two and Three trains across the platform. Change here for the Seven, A, C, E, and shuttle to Times Square. Vote Obama.
--1 train, Grand Central
Drunk guido during post-Super Bowl rioting: I mean, who cares who the next president is after this?
--52nd & 2nd
Overheard by: NCS
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody's Gotta Do Them
Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors -- that's my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.
--1 train, 125th St
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs...
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: ADA
20-something: You know, I'm just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!
--Morton & Hudson
Overheard by: Sam
Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel -- because I would come into work acting like this!
--Vanessa's Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth
Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you've got CEO dreams with a McDonald's work ethic.
--W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway
Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, 'You killed my father.' Yeah, I think he has a new job now.
--109th & Amsterdam
Without DNA Tests, the Second-Best Way to Determine Ethnicity Is Ass Size
Teen boy #1: Nah, nigga, she can't be Spanish. She too skinny.
Teen boy #2: She's Spanish, yo.
Teen boy #1: I tell you, she ain't from Spain. She's from Europe. She has a Euro-sounding name.
Teen boy #2: Maybe she's Mexican.
Teen boy #1: Yeah, she could be Mexican.
--Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Heather
Big, Hard Part. Little, Black Heart.
Guy #1: So yeah, I fucked her, man... It was great.
Guy #2: Good to know, man.
Guy #1: And know what's better?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I fuckin' hate her!
Guy #2: Sweet, man!
Guy #1: I know!
--30th & 3rd
Overheard by: AMH
That Esteban, Always Getting into Mama's Vodka Popsicles
Very young child: Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha...
--35th St & 36th Ave, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Michelle M.
Or at Least Have Your Tubes Tied
Chick #1: ... But think about it -- if we have so many bananas, like, in the supermarket and everything, then where are all the monkeys?
Chick #2: You are so right.
Chick #1: I mean, it's true -- shouldn't they be here, where the bananas are?
Chick #2: That is so deep.
Chick #1: We should stop smoking weed.
--69th & CPW
The Fiery and Passionate Kind. [Wink.]
Customer: Oh, you go to my school. So, what's your name?
Employee: Eric* Dominguez...
Customer: Oooh! So, like, you're Spanish?
Employee: Yeah.
Customer: Oh, that's cool. So, like, what kind of Spanish person are you?
--Subway restaurant, Queens
She's a Halo Addict
Lady on cell: Oh, I can't wait to play with you!
Check-in agent: Excuse me?
--Terminal 7, JFK
Overheard by: Jonathan Katz
I'm Not Sure I Understand Why You Ask
Long Island JAP: Long Island should totally become the sixth borough of New York.
Queer: Fuck no! The MTA doesn't go there, and we all know that if the MTA doesn't go there, neither should you.
Asian guy: What about Staten Island?
--47th & Broadway
Overheard by: Samantha Jones
After the Fistfight, an Ethnic Mismatch Comedy Started Production
Black receptionist: Carlos De Jesus George? Are you here?
Latino receptionist: It's not pronounced 'De Je-zus George,' but 'De He-sus Hor-he.'
Black receptionist: Excuse me? What are you saying? This clearly says 'Carlos De Jesus George.
Latino receptionist: No mother would name their son Jesus. And besides, that's not the correct pronunciation in Spanish.
Black receptionist: What? Oh, girl, you know I don't speak those words.
--Doctor's office, 15th & 1st
Finishing Off a Big Scoop of Ben & Jerry's "Bi-Curious"
Man: It just got to the point that if I took another bite, it would explode all over me, so I shoved the whole thing in my mouth. [Woman eating ice cream cone snickers.]
--Central Park
A Neighborhood Where Santa Breaks in through a Window
DVD salesman: I couldn't give you a better deal if I slid down the chimney.
Little girl, whispering glumly: But we don't have a chimney.
--A train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: VassarBoy
Look, Let's Just Get a Coathanger. They're Like 50 Cents, and Then We Can Splurge on a Nice Dinner.
Girlfriend: Oh, by the way, we have to return those things to Macy's.
Boyfriend: Why?
Girlfriend: Because I need to buy maternity clothes!
Boyfriend: Or we could buy me an airplane ticket, because I'm leaving you.
--F train, Jay St
Overheard by: not certain he was joking
So What Is That in Straight Years?
Queer #1: Oh, good god, no! He looks like Jack from Will & Grace...
Queer #2: Oh, stop!
Queer #1: ... Only about 30 years older.
Queer #2: That would make him, like, 80!
--Greenwich & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Manhattman
"Barefoot in the Park 2: Drunk and Disorderly"
Girl: Why aren't you wearing any shoes?
Guy: I lost them a few hours ago. I don't know where they went!
Girl: You're such a drunk.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Not What You'd Expect at Victoria's Secret
Dude #1: It smells like a Petland in here.
Dude #2: Yeah, it does in a weird sort of way.
--Citibank ATM, 25th St & Park Ave S
Overheard by: Marla
Straight Guys Generally Regret Pursuing This Line of Questioning
Queer: Wow, he's cute.
Straight guy: Yeah... So, do you want to fuck him?
Queer: No, I want him to fuck me.
--Central Park
I Told You Not to Tell Me!
Guy: Please do not tell me you took a shit in this cup.
Girl: We can wash it out.
--74th & Columbus
Angelina Jolie Couldn't Help Being Intrigued
Remote control car vendor #1, to hot chick passerby: Hey, baby, I got a pretty girl discount!
Remote control car vendor #2: Yeah, I'm giving out free babies. Free babies!
--181st & Broadway
Overheard by: Josh H
Either Way, a Digital Record of Our Ass-Kicking Will Be Helpful in Court
Tourist girl: Oh, crap, is that Rosie O'Donnell over there?! [Whips out phone camera.]
Tourist guy: Well, it's either her, or a 300-pound biker with a bad haircut.
--34th & Broadway
Warning to All Swimmers: Today's Riptide is Supersonic
Loud girl #1: I lost my sandals at the beach!
Loud girl #2: Oh my God, now it's probably floating somewhere in the Pacific Ocean!
--Bay Terrace Shopping Center, Queens
Overheard by: doesn't anybody pay attention in global anymo
New York City's Alternative Energy Source
Girl #1: Why is it so hot in here?
Girl #2: Hobo farts.
--1 train station, 168th St
Would That Be the "Zionist Occupation Government" We Hear So Much About?
Guy #1: God, I hate the Heebs. How can I join Hezbollah?
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up, man! The government probably heard that!
--4 train, 86th St
Overheard by: waiting for a sniper to take him out
Um, Sara, I Don't Think You Should Say That So Loud
Kid #1: You're mad short, haha.
Kid #2: Shut up! I know I'm short! I haven't grown at all! The only thing that grew was my dick!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: A.K.
Headline by: KMW
Runners-Up:
· "And Somewhere in America, Mary Kay Letourneau's Ears Prick Up" - Sara
· "Everyone in Dwarf Porn Goes through This Moment" - M
· "I'm a Little Teapot, 2.0" - Duncan Pflaster
· "Whatchu Talkin' About, Willis?" - Molly
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The "Bun" Hairstyle Is Deconstructed at Last
Bimbette #1: Dykes just don't look good with faux-hawks.
Bimbette #2: Well, I guess it gives them something else to sit on... depending on how much gel they use.
--F train
Overheard by: Philip
Fat Lady Weight Loss Tip #457: Talk about Colonics
BBW: She had her first colonic when she was twelve.
--Brooklyn Heights
Why Classes Rarely Start on Time at FIT
Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!
--FIT
Next on Why Tourists Wear Fannypacks: Scary Black People!
Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain't you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what's it to ya?
Guido chick: It's me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin' all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin', babe, workin'.
Guido chick: Workin' on what?
Thug: It's pickpocket season. Now's the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin' from my family! I'll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don't worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.
--Wintergarden Theatre
Overheard by: Annmarie
They're Going though Intern Training at Ogle, Badtouch and Stalk
Boy #1: Hey, that's sexual harassment!
Boy #2: Yeah, and you'd know all about it.
--E 15th & Ave J
Overheard by: incrediblediblegg
I Like Your Pajamas
Hobo: Hey, contribute to the marijuana cause!
Rock kid: No, that's okay.
Hobo: I know you smoke -- your parents don't know, but I know, and so do you.
--Waverly Theater, 6th Ave
He Was Hoping for Some Insider Knowledge
Girl: Well, she was clearly hurt. Her eye swelled up like a monkey's vagina!
Guy: What? Like a monkey's vagina?
Girl: Yeah, when they're in heat.
Guy: Ohhh... Only monkeys' vaginas swell?
--Elevator, 101st & Broadway
Here, Let Me Help You with That
Chick looking at vagina jewelry in sex shop: I don't understand how you put it on.
Guy: I don't know... Oh, I see! It goes around your labia majora!
--8th Ave
Despite That, the Punch to the Jaw Came As a Surprise
Tourist woman: How do I get to Times Square?
Skinny blonde: Take a train as far north as possible.
Asian male passerby: You do not want to do that.
Tourist woman: Why do New Yorkers always lie?!
Skinny blonde: I'm not from here. I live in L.A. Everyone there lies.
Tourist woman: So how do you know where to go?
Skinny blonde: We're all psychic, too.
--42nd & 8th
His Mistake Was Getting Married on the Day the Witness Protection Program People Re-up.
Harried groom, shouting: Is there anyone here who has a valid ID who can be a witness for my wedding ceremony?!
Guy on line: Sure, I'll do it. [Turns to woman at the window.] Wait, can I be a witness for this guy and still be a witness for them back there?
Woman at window: Um, no.
Harried groom: Is there anyone here who has a valid ID who isn't already a witness who can be a witness for my wedding ceremony?!
--Marriage license office, County Clerk, Brooklyn
Overheard by: fiancee of the guy who ended up witnessing
Christianity, Everybody's Favorite S&M Religion
Guy to girlfriend, watching Easter Passion procession, complete with Christ carrying cross: Oh my god, they're whipping him! That's great, that's brilliant... I love this neighborhood.
--12th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Porkido
I Get It from Drinking Their Sperm
Little boy: I have the humor of a thousand men.
--LIRR to Huntington
Which Would Mean That Its Penis... Is the Same Size As My... Here, Boy!
Blonde #1: Look how big that dog is!
Blonde #2: Oh my god, that dog's as big as my body!
--ESPN store
But It's So Sexy When She Cleans Herself with Her Tongue
Guy: Do we have to get it spayed? I mean, male cats spray -- what do females do?
Girl: They whine and howl and bleed all over the place.
Guy: So they do just what you do?
Girl: Basically, yeah.
--Columbia University
Look, Can We Just Fuck So I Can Stop Pretending to Care?
Girl #1, about her new website: So, our e-newsletter will be sent out weekly with pictures accompanying every article....
Girl #2, trying really hard to be interested: That's a very... interesting way to keep things... interesting, and get people... interested... in what you're selling. That's great!
--Greyhound bus, Port Authority
Overheard by: Sim
You Try to Steal Mommy's Thunder, You Get Struck by Lightning
Little girl: Look, Mommy, it's a butterfly. Why do they call it a 'butterfly'? Because it looks like a fly?
Little boy: It's because it looks like butter and it flies, right, Mommy?
Mommy: Wrong.
--Pitt & Delancey
Overheard by: Manny
And It's Acid Rain, So You Save Money on Drugs
Elderly shopkeeper in the pouring rain: Hey! Hey, amigo! When you go home, don't take shower. You save money on bills.
--Morgan & Flushing, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
There's a Lot of Competition to Be Liza's New Understudy
Man: How's this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It's got to catch the eye!
--Kohl's, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
It's Good to See People Embracing Religion for Materialistic Reasons
Jewish guy #1: We should become born-again Christians so people have to get us presents and we can have parties on our born-again birthdays.
Jewish guy #2: That is the worst reason for converting I have ever heard... Wait, no -- actually, if we do it, can we have born-again bar mitzvahs?
--South St Seaport
That Lifts and Separates You from Your Girlfriend
Guy, after passing a lingerie boutique: Oh, and by the way, that underwear store is bad luck! Every girlfriend I've bought something for from there dumped me the next day!
Friend: Yeah, man, it's like a big steaming pile of bad luck.
--Thompson St, Soho
Overheard by: You have bad taste
And the Last Thing We Need Right Now Is to Go to an Alternate Universe
Girl: What about that cab?
Guy: We can't get that one. It's going to Penn Central.
--14th & University
Overheard by: Logan
It's a Discontinued Hasbro Toy from the Seventies
Boy #1: And I will milkshake all over your back.
Boy #2: And I will rub my lovely lady lumps all over your face.
--6 train
Overheard by: Alisha J.
Do Not Insert Any Part of the Chair into Any Part of You
Professor #1, reading from card: There is a chair available for your monologues. Do not stand on the chair. Do not throw the chair.
Applicants and parents: [Laugh.]
Professor #1: Do not disrobe.
Applicants and parents: [Laugh harder.]
Professor #2: You laugh, but they're on that card for a reason.
--NYU
Overheard by: ZB
I Hear If You Don't Have Sex for Two Years, You Become a Virgin Again, Too
Girl #1: Why does she seem so nasty and stressed all the time?
Girl #2: Well, I think it's because she's a lesbian by default.
Girl #1: A what?
Girl #2: A lesbian by default. She's such a bitch that guys don't want anything to do with her.
--Manhattan Lounge
Overheard by: fpod
'Cause If It Is, I've Got Plans!
College intern hitting friend with magic wand: Naked Bitch with big titties.
Little kid: Is that a real magic wand?!
--FAO Schwartz
She Was Hoping the Plaid Shirt Would Finally Do the Trick
Chick: Um, Mo, I never thought I'd ask you this, but... does this shirt make me look like a lesbian?
Lesbian, laughing: Oh my God, no! Just make sure nobody thinks we're together...
--192nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Curly girl
When Silicone Got Banned, the Manufacturers Had to Get Pretty Creative
Wannabe thug paging through a Playboy, to another: Yo, check that shit out! Those are seven hundred bucks a pair. They got diamonds and crystals and shit in them!
--A train, W 4th St
You Think It's Funny When Another Old Man Gets His Ticket Punched?
Old man, after having ticket punched: He put holes in my ticket -- he ruined it! [Commuter woman laughs, thinking he's joking.] Why are you laughing? [Commuter woman gives another nervous laugh.] Why are you laughing?!
--LIRR
Overheard by: guingel
Looking for Booty, No Doubt
Drunk girl: Excuse me... Excuse me, sir. A lady pirate in the next car just violated me. She slid her sword down my skirt, man! For real -- she was a fuckin' pirate! There's a whole bunch of pirates in the next car!
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jesse
That's Why It's a Pin and Not a Sticker
Bus driver has huge sign pinned to his sleeve clearly reading, "Yes, I stop at Willowbrook Mall and 23 Park/Ride."
Woman boarding bus: Do you stop at Willowbrook Mall?
--Port Authority
In New York They Mean the Same Thing
Preppy girl to honking SUV driver: Fuck you!
Asian guy, walking other way: Bless you!
--59th & Park
Overheard by: Just trying to cross the street
The Free Market Arrives in China... Town
Teen tourist: How much for the sunglasses?
Vendor: Thirty dollars.
Teen tourist: In Chinatown?!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ozzy
Well, She Didn't Have Any Complaints
Drunk Hispanic teen: How do I get to Times Square?
Older white lady: I am not sure... Maybe two stops. [Teen whispers to her.] Good Lord, no! I am old enough to be your mother!
--F train, 57th St
After Crossing the Canadian Border, the Queen Began Behaving Erratically and Quarrelling with Prince Philip
Old lady #1: Well, we had already put ten thousand in the bank, so the Feds didn't get ahold of that, thank God.
Old lady #2: Oh, good. Will that cover the cost of the lawyer?
Old lady #1: His Highness doesn't want one.
--Veselka, 9th & 2nd
Overheard by: Cpt. Kate
It's a Big City
Girl at make-up counter: Where was yous at during the tornado yesterday?
Customer: Huh?
Girl at make-up counter: Guess you didn't got one, then.
--Kaufmann's, Walden Galleria
Overheard by: Rachel + Isaac
What Retired Spies Do for Entertainment
Wife: So, I'm allergic to cats.
Husband: And I'm allergic to dogs.
Wife: So there was no choice, really.
Old guy: But aren't ferrets illegal here?
Husband: If the city can let those damn marsupial-sized rats run around the tracks, then I sure as hell can have a ferret!
Wife: Besides, do you have any idea how fun it is trying to smuggle a smelly, squeaking animal out of an apartment right past the chain-smoking landlord? Getting the damn thing to the vet is even funner!
--Penn Station
The Management Will Address Your Concerns on February 30th
Preacher woman: They say, if you see something, say something -- if you see a suspicious package, say something! Well, Hell is a suspicious package!
Commuter: Since it's about a hundred and forty degrees down here, I'd say this was Hell. Who can I speak to about it?
--2/3 station, Fulton St
Overheard by: Karen Maria
But I'm Reading My Future!
Junkie lady to junkie guy: Get your hands out of your pockets! No pocket pool!
--22nd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Damian
She Doesn't Speak "Asshole"... Oh, No, Wait... Yes She Does
Teen girl #1: I really want some sa'mores. We should totally make sa'mores.
Teen girl #2: Sa'mores? It's 's'mores,' not 'sa'mores'! Sa'mores! Sa'mores... Yeah... Sa'moron!
--81st & 3rd
Overheard by: i love smores
Ever Since It Didn't Happen Yet, Things Just Haven't Been the Same
College kid: They should put up a question on the big screen that says, 'Who fucked up the playoffs two years in a row for us: A) Number 13, B) ARod, C) Alex Rodriguez, or D) All of the above?
Friend: ... Or maybe Kevin Brown.
Man in front of them: The future ain't what it used to be...
--Yankee Stadium
I'm Also Afraid of Air and Carbon
Girl: I'm afraid of water.
Dude #1: I don't get that. I mean, aren't we all like 70 percent water or something? Or wait, is that only some people?
Dude #2: She's talking about being afraid of the ocean, not drinking water.
Dude #1: Ohhh.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: standing in front of them, unfortunately
Lois Commutes between Adoration and Homicidal Rage
Black woman, to eight-year-old white girl: I love the white people. You are so cute. I would babysit you. Come here.
White woman: Yes, give the little white girl a hug.
Black woman, to girl: If anyone fucks with you, I'm gonna be fucking with them.
--47th & 8th
Overheard by: alxie
She Lost All Respect for the USSR When They Stopped Threatening Nuclear Annihilation
Guy hearing fireworks go off: Wow! Listen to the fireworks! Or maybe it's the Soviet Union bombing Manhattan!
Girl, obviously unimpressed: Yeah, they totally need to make a comeback.
--3rd & 5th
Now Say You're Sorry and Order the Raw Poisonous Fish
Asian girl helping blonde with Japanese assignment: Okay, now tell me about something you would eat.
Blonde: Uhhh... Watashiwa inu o tabemasu...
Asian, exasperated: You don't eat dogs!
Blonde: Well, in Japan you do!
--Outside University Restaurant, University Place
But I Can't Specify When
Dude #1: I can't believe that random-ass bitch was there.
Dude #2: She was there?
Dude #1: Yeah. Now I have to call her.
--6 train
Overheard by: tricia
Is It Really an Accomplishment to Score Pussy If You're Gay?
Hipster: I've been meaning to talk to you about your new look. It's rather... um... guido.
Guido: Yeah, I know. But the pussy, dude -- the pussy, you wouldn't believe.
Hipster: It better be good, because your eyebrows are waxed. And you're a man.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: guido hater
I Know. Wine and Beer Help Me Relax.
Guy: Hey, let's go in there. They might have wine or beer.
Girl: Nah, I kinda wanna grab something hard.
--14th St, between 1st and 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Eve
I Killed My Parents for the Same Reason
Older guy: This is classic Tupac before the gangsta rap.
High school girl: What you listenin' to him for? He dead.
--31st & 7th
Headline by: Andrea
Runners-Up:
· "And Besides, His Grammar Is Sub-par" - Louis
· "John Edwards Radio: Dead Artists, Unfinished Buisness" - diana
· "My Anti-posthumousness Rule Also Applies to Literature. Shakespeare? Who Dat?" - Michelle
· "So? 3 Out Of 4 Americans Listen to That Jesus Guy!" - kh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sarcasm is His Anti-Drug, but Only When He's High
Cop: Peace and love, you hear me? Peace and love. Peace and love. Fucking peace and love.
Tourist: I just want to know where track four is...
Cop: Peace and love! Now get the fuck out of my train station!
--Penn Station
Matt Dillon Just Popped a Champagne Cork into His Eye
Woman: I can't tell Matt Dillon and his brother apart.
Man: I know! I thought it was Matt Dillon on Entourage.
Woman: It is Matt Dillon on Entourage.
Man: No, it's his brother!
Woman: Nooo, it's Matt Dillon...
Man: Wait, is it?
--1 train, 14th St
Overheard by:
The Oblivious Thrill of Anticipating Wearing a Frat Guy's Semen on Your Leg
Girl #1: I can't wait 'til we get to college. We're going to be different people. And, like, we're going to be the best dressed people on campus. We're gonna be awesome!
Girl #2: Yeah. No one will dress better than us!
Girl #1: Yeah. So awesome!
--Macy's dressing room, 34th St
Overheard by: evie24
Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel
Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights...
--B train
Loud lady on cell: So you're the one who sent me a text message saying, 'A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk'!
--Q25 bus
Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McF.
Plagiarist: ... And he sent me a text message saying, 'I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,' and I'm like, 'What's the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!'
--Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that's gay.
--Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Jenya
Wednesdays and Their Stupid One-Liners
Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing?
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: haha
Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building?
--E 10th & Broadway
Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer?
--Manhattan-bound N train
Overheard by: paratactical
Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters?
--Canal & Broadway
Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right?
--Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square
Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you're not right
Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don't even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore?
--23rd & Lex
Uncle Tom's Wednesday One-Liners
Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn't mind a slave for life.
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: tuna on rye
White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.
--Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn
Overheard by: pmd
Punk girl to friend: I'm going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!
--N 4th St & Driggs Ave
Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs
Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English -- she got arrested for selling people...
--Madison Square Garden
Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!
--NYFA, Union Square
Overheard by: kswin
Wednesday One-Liners Are Already Spending Their Rebate Checks
Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Trainspotter
Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.
--Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre
Overheard by: Michael Baker
Dude to friend: ... So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it 'Not valid' and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!
--Burns St, Forest Hills
Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.
--C train
Overheard by: Sarah F.
Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where's the mall?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Really!
Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners
Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don't know shit about shit!
--Fordham University
Announcer: The 10:30... Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit...
--LIRR terminal, Penn Station
Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit.
--7th & 2nd
Overheard by: BJ
Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!
--NYU dining hall
Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? 'Oh, shit.' And guess who she learned it from? Mommy.
--Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Lay the Smack Down
Big guy on phone: ... All I'm sayin' is that's wrong, man -- you hit an ol' woman, and you're a boxer!
--151st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Thin walls
Guy on cell: So, wait -- you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow... Yeah, that's still not appropriate.
--N 6th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: j
Angry guy on cell: This guy laid a fucking warrant on me for beating up crackheads!
--168th & Fort Washington Ave
Overheard by: RR
Five-year-old girl to seven-year-old brother: I'll punch your Adam's apple straight down your throat!
--Graham Ave bus station
Black girl on rising escalator, to friend: If he says anything to me, I'm gonna kick him in the ding-ding and then run!
--Broadway East station
Overheard by: Subwaysurfer
Scrooge McDuck's Wednesday One-Liners
Fashionista to another: It didn't taste that good, but I really needed the money.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: John Galt Jr.
Fashion student: The thing I can't stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it's become... Yeah, so I'm leaving the program to study advertising.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: nova scotia
Security guard to another: I ain't here for the money. I'm here for the fuckin' prestige.
--Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Amber Star
White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: mela
Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Scientific
Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I'm feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!
--3rd Ave, Bay Ridge
Don't Bogart the Wednesday One-Liners!
Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it's free! But my weed is not. I'll be right here until five.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Engi
Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced?
--MacDougal & Bleecker
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed!
--183rd & Audubon Ave
Overheard by: BB
Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other!
--A train, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she's like, 'O-M-G, you're high.' And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I'm like, 'Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!' Hahaha... But anyway, we might come Thursday. I'll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades.
--6 train
Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways.
--1515 Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Will Sleep with You If You Hold Still
Hot lesbo to another: You already have two girlfriends -- you don't need another boyfriend!
--92nd & 2nd
Hipster guy: Well, it's not like I'm into men, but there aren't really any girls around right now... It's convenient! At least I'm getting laid!
--In front of Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Rowan
Mini thug with girlfriend. You know, baby, I just get homo sometimes.
--115th & Lenox
Wannabe lesbo: ... And I was like, 'What, just 'cause I like to sleep with men, that makes you more gay than me?!' And she was like, 'Uh, yeah.'
--Bedford Ave & Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn
Overheard by: equally gay
Fag hag to queer friend: She is so ruining my heterosexual life!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: j
Hipster dude to pals: I gotta go! I just found out this guy is bi!
--Parsons the New School for Design
Chick to another: She was a little bit bisexual in Hong Kong. But, then, who wasn't?
--1 train
Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word
Old lady to other: Oh... S & M... Do you like to be the dominant one?
--El Greco Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it's not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he's ever whipped himself... [Notices other people on elevator] Oops.
--Elevator, 34th & 1st
Chick to another: We all assume that one day you'll be married with kids... Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless.
--House party, 113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: McFreaky
Leather goods hawker: I've got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks... I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side!
--Orchard, near Rivington
Overheard by: losaida
Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you.
--G train
Overheard by: Jordan
TA to another: I love that we've been e-mailing about a student's paper under the subject line 'Fetish Ball.'
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Small child, happily: ... And that's the kind of pain that never goes away!
--1 train
Overheard by: Emily Star
Wednesday One-Liners Are Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird
Girl on cell: ... That basically means your mother's a whore.
--WaMu Bank, Staten Island
Overheard by: staten's most hated
Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That's when I knew I really existed.
--Westway Diner
Thug: I'm gonna smack my mother's monkey!
--Union Square
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Employee on intercom: Yo' mama, call extension 319*. Yo' mama, 319.
--TJ Maxx, 6th Ave
Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.
--11th & 1st
Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother's back... [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother...!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: SBS
Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul
Hipster guy: I mean, she's a Jewish. She's not, like, a bad person, I think.
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: ...right.
Dude: He's that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn't touch women. I think they call it 'Hava Nagila.'
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won't go in my mouth!
--110th & Amsterdam
Blonde on cell: I just don't see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you... My mom hates you because you're not Jewish... Yes, I'm aware I'm Catholic... Because Jews are financially secure!
--Starbucks, Upper West Side
Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!
--Judaism Debate, Cooper Union
Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!
--Party, W 72nd & Broadway
He's on the Thirteenth Step: Being Able to Act Drunk While Sober
Vendor: I don't need your money! I don't need your money! I don't need your money!
Angry customer: Bullshit!
Vendor: I don't need it! I got money! I don't get high! You drink! I don't need your money!
--112th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ukranian Boy
Probably a Lesbian, Too
Creepster to passing blonde: Hey, you walk pretty fast. Must be good for burning calories. [Blonde ignores him and keeps walking, and creepster's phone rings.] Hey, I just tried to talk to this girl... She must have had an iPod on.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: the first girl he tried to talk to
After Many Rigorous Hours of Research, They Would Conclude He's a Dude without a Belly Button
Girl #1: I wanna see that show Kyle XY, because he doesn't have a belly button. I wanna know what he is.
Girl #2: Maybe he's a sperm.
--96th & Riverside
Overheard by: ovaries
But Call Me Later
Guy #1: Aw, man, have you seen March of the Penguins? That movie was horrible. Couldn't get through it.
Girl: I saw that. I got double-banged to it... I kinda like getting double-banged by two attractive guys, y'know? [Men stop walking and look at each other.]
Guy #2: Dude, that's gross. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Wow.
--70th & 2nd
When Engineers Go to the Theater
Old man: Where are the seat numbers?
Usher: On the right.
Old man: When I'm facing which way?
--Helen Hayes Theater, 44th St
Overheard by: Valerie Z
Homosexuality Isn't Really Considered a Disease Anymore, Heather
Girl #1: So, I heard your sister slept with another guy last night...
Girl #2: Yeah, I know. I love her, because she's, like, my sister and all. But seriously, she's going to get a fucking disease.
Girl #1: It's really easy to. I mean, I only sleep with girls, and remember when I got one?
--Line for Ani D. concert, Central Park
Overheard by: tiffany.
Fears about The Chronicles of Narnia Brainwashing People into Christianity Appear Not to Have Materialized
Man: That was pretty good.
Woman: Yeah, it reminded me of that movie with the White Witch.
Man: 101 Dalmatians?
Woman: Right.
--Loews Theatre
But You'll Disregard This Ex Parte Communication.
Law student #1: Don't judge me -- I am just trying to learn!
Law student #2: I'm not judging you. I'm also trying to learn. [Law student #1 leaves room.]
Law student #3: For someone who studies all the time, he sure doesn't get it.
--NYU School of Law
So You Can Eat Out of It, but No Funny Business
Little girl: Mommy, I'm hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.
--Ferry to Ellis Island
Here, We'll Use It in a Sentence: Her Eyes Were Slanted Sloppily
HS boy: Well, I tend to write more sloppily.
Asian girlfriend: 'Sloppily'?! Is that even a word?
HS boy: It's an adverb.
Asian girlfriend: Yes, but I said, is that even a word?
--1 train
Overheard by: Trying not to laugh outloud
This Is Where They Train the Cops to Say, "Move It Along"
Tourist, pointing at "No Standing" sign stretching across whole block: How does this work?
--44th & 6th
And It Was Completely Self-Contained
Dude on cell: He just ate the whole freaking diaper? So, he just shit it out in little pieces?
--Red Rock Bar, 17th & 10th
Overheard by: Scooby-Don't
Although If You Attempt to Jump Out That Window, We're in Business
Girl: Couldn't you just write me a prescription?
Guy: No, I can't do that yet.
--Ludlow & Stanton
Overheard by: Barry
The Disease of Absolute Power
Hoochie #1: I can't believe you did that!
Hoochie #2: I know, but he's the president.
Hoochie #1: But you could get a disease or something!
Hoochie #2: Yeah, I know, but...
--Times Square
Overheard by: Haha are you kidding me...
His Dream Is to Fuck a Brain in a Jar / Stephen Hawking
Guy: I am sapien-sexual. That means I am into minds, not bodies!
Bimbette: I've never been into vocabulary.
--11th & University
Overheard by: Maggie
In Fact, Lie Down for a Second
Chick: I would like to become a boy for a day just so I can pee standing up.
Guy: I am not going to lie to you, it's awesome!
--Georgia Diner, Queens
Yet He Can Pronounce "Yastrzemski" Effortlessly
Guido #1: You know, if a toosami hit the beach, it would flood all the way up to here.
Guido #2: A what?
Guido #1: A toosami. Like in India. You know, a tidal wave.
Guido #2: You know, I don't wanna laugh in your face, so why don't you just shut the fuck up...
Guido #1: What?
--Prospect Park SW
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Touchstone of Truth Tyra Banks Is Also the Scourge of STDs
Chick #1: Hey, what are you doing?
Chick #2, sparying floor with disinfectant: Well, I heard on Tyra that you can get STDs from just walking on the same floor as someone else.
Chick #1: You did? Well, it must be true! Why didn't you tell me?!
--1250 Broadway
Is Our Children Learning?
UES wife: So, what do you do?
20-something guy: I teach high school math.
UES husband: Oh, where at?
UES wife: Stuyvesant?
20-something guy: Um, no. It's called 'City-As-School.'
UES wife: Ohhh, is that one of those 'special' high schools?
20-something guy: I guess. Well, I mean, they're all special.
--ICE, 6th & 23rd
Overheard by: office peon
Killing Dealers Is My Anti-Drug
Dealer to 40-ish man with 12-year-old son: Hey, man, I got it all! Ups, downs, weed, coke...
40-ish man: No, thanks.
Dealer, turning to kid: Well, how about some for the little brotha?!
--In front of NY Public Library
Overheard by: Jimi James
Is That All?
Girl #1: Are you sure he's gay?
Girl #2: Um, yeah!
Girl #1: Nooo, he can't be! How do you know?
Boy: Because he likes dick in his ass.
In unison: Oooh...
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
If It Means I Have to Let Go of Your Penis, Then No
Guy #1: This is fun, but it will be a lot better when we're in bed.
Guy #2: ... You're gay?
--Urinal, Hard Rock Café
Overheard by: Danny
Headline by: ilemanzer
Runners-Up:
· "Can't a Straight Guy Talk to His Penis?" - Tadzio
· "Does Mom Know?" - Ren
· "If I'd Known That Earlier I'd NEVER Have Let You Suck My Cock" - Lindsey
· "No, but I Did Appreciate That You Swallowed." - Me
· "You're a Guy?" - alice
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
They're All in It for the Bitches
Guy #1 about four tiny, yappy poodles: Why they so loud?!
Guy #2: Yo, they got a Napoleon complex. Why you think you a thug?
--Eastern Pkwy & Underhill St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Brien
When You're That Old, the Vagina Looks Like Just Another Wrinkle
Sophisticated old lady #1: I had no clean panties tonight.
Sophisticated old lady #2: Well, just go commando.
Sophisticated old lady #1: Yeah, that is what I did.
Sophisticated old lady #2: Yeah, I always go commando.
--San Pietro restaurant, E 54th St
That and Civil Rights; I Can Get into Everything but Those
Nerd watching fireworks: I'm not really into the cerebral fireworks movement.
--The Great Lawn
But He's So Much More Than That!
Chick #1: What do you think of Mao Zedong?
Chick #2: I don't know... He's from China...
--Jennifer Convertibles, 20th & Broadway
My Ex-Girlfriend's Super Clitoris: Coming to a Theater Near You!
Boy: I still have no idea what you're trying to get me to do.
Girl: Well, what do I do to you a lot?
Boy: Suck my dick?
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: Oh... You want me to suck your dick?
--Hot and Crusty, 87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Amanda Fox
My Answer Has Not Changed
Middle-aged white lady: Excuse me, where is Shanghai?
Asian girl: You in the wrong country.
Middle-aged white lady: No! I mean Shanghai Restaurant.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: confused
Manning the Barricades Against Penile Lookism
Guy #1: You know, 82 percent of the world is not cut.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm not circumcised.
Guy #3: Dude! That's gross!
Guy #2: No -- how so? It's cool.
Guy #3: Yo, let's call up some bitch and ask her what's hotter: a dick with the skin or without it.
Guy #4: You know, the David is not circumcised.
Guy #2: See?! Cut penises are so bare.
Guy #5: How would you know?!
Guy #4: Yeah, but the David's Jewish... It's wrong! And how does an uncircumcised penis help you?
Guy #2: It protects dirt from coming in.
--Columbia University
The Extra Dollar Is for the Convenience of Being Able to Wrap Gifts Right Here on the J Train
Older boy: We are selling wrapping paper to raise money for our trip. You can buy a roll for two bucks.
Younger boy: But you can go to the store and buy that paper for one dollar.
Older boy: Why you hatin'?! Why you hatin'?!
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: John B
They Start Out with 1, 2 and 3, but They Just Will Not Stop
Girl: That's funny, I thought you were a finance major.
Guy: I couldn't stand it. It's like... numbers and shit.
--6 train
She Always Pees on the Floor and Calls It a "Citation"
Crazy lady to cashier: Hi, how's it going?! How are you, officer? [Extends hand] I'm Officer Anderson, from the 103rd [turns and walks out].
Cashier: I hate her...
--Miraaj Cafe, Flushing
Overheard by: just wants a gyro
The Afterparty Will Be Shipping Them Off from Whence They Came
Man #1: We're getting our floors redone -- walnut hardwood.
Man #2: Sounds like a party.
Man #1: Actually, there will probably be a bunch of Mexicans doing it, so more of a fiesta.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Jakob Wells
Preferably with Uprooted Oaks, although Maples Usually Get the Message Across
Young mom to retarded son: I do everything for you -- I move trees for you, and then you fuck it up and I have to wale on you!
--24th & 2nd
Overheard by: Becka Dash
He Does the Same Thing with His Caesar Salads
Girl to male coworker: Can you be a little more subtle and not such a dick-swinger about your Amstel Light?
--Conde Nast, 57th & 8th
Overheard by: Kenzi
I Have to Tell You, Kid, As an African-American I Don't Know How to Feel about Your Offer
Little boy to costumed Geoffrey: You want some fried chicken? Here, have some KFC.
--Times Square, Toys "R" Us
Overheard by: i'm just here for the lego ninjas
And You'll Think Boys Are Icky Until You're 22, and You'll Always Take Care of Me...
Little girl pointing to ad featuring peanut butter and banana on bread: What is that?
Mother, looking at ad for a moment: It's sushi.
Little girl: What's sushi?
Mother: It's Chinese food... You wouldn't like it.
--B train
In the End, They Found an Umbrella Category for All Three: Virgin
Guy #1: Okay, so, important question: fantasy or science fiction?
Girl: Both! Oh, totally both!
Guy #2: I'm not even going to lie here. I really like those Magic cards.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: SCS
Later That Night, They Discovered a Third Thing...
Comedy club hawker: Hey, man, you like comedy?
Tourist: No.
Comedy club hawker: Yeah, me neither. I'm a lying bastard, too, so I guess we got two things in common.
--Times Square
Overheard by: heidolicious