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April 2008 Archives
Won't Somebody Please Think of the Wednesday One-Liners?
Little boy: But I was really excited for her to get a hernia!
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: alix
Eleven-year-old boy, to classmate that he just hit with a ball representing "responsibility": Oooooooo!!! You just got pounded in the face with responsibility!!!
--Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Their Proud Counselor
Ten-year-old girl, about figures: Why do they all have to be boys?
--Bodies: The Exhibition, South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Robert
Young child crossing the street while holding his mothers hand: [Singing] Please... Don't... Enter me.
--70th St & Columbus
Little boy: It's not illegal to jiggle.
--6th & 17th
Preschooler to daddy: Can I get that three hundred dollars now?
--UES
Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle
African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I'm not a machine! I'm not a machine! I'm not a wheel!
--W 23rd St
Overheard by: I'm a train!
Loud chick on cell: So I told him he's gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn't do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me...
--37th & Broadway
Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that's a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa's got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend's pop. So now I'm getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -'cause that's the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?
--85th & Columbus Ave
Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don't just sit there, go go go!
--99th & 5th, NYC Marathon
Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!
--76th & York
Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners' Strike Is Over
Chick on cell: We can't let Blair and Tootie control our lives!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Poogins
Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is "Desperate Housewives" on?!
--10th Street & 3rd Ave
Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can't believe you missed it. It was the best episode I've seen yet, seriously bro... Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: "I wanna forget you!" I was like: "Whaaaaaat? For real?" It was crazy, you gotta catch it!
--Times Square Office Building
Overheard by: SUSAN
Redhead: The "Brady Bunch" world is a world without urges.
--Veniero's, 11th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he'll bring it. Bring what? He's not gangsta like I am, he ain't thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.
--On the Bus
Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I'm like: "I watch 'Law and Order: SVU', I'm not getting in your van."
--15th between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Disunionsquare
Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I'm the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl's camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.]
--Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square
Omagah, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed.
--W 52nd & 9th
Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about
Queer: Well kids, it's been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first.
--Wagner College Dinning Hall
Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit.
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: bitterfame
Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol?
--23rd & 7th
Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.]
--Pillow Fight, Union Square
Overheard by: Lillian
Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I'd love to see you in a speedo!
--Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Carry a Tune in a Bucket
Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces...
--72nd St & Columbus
Overheard by: Asset
Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome...
--Union Square Platform
Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel
Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee..!
--6th Ave & Waverly
Overheard by: Jatmos
Blind panhandler, singing: Can't take my eyes off of you...
--R Train
Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin' pen, so I can write a sign...
--St Mark's Place
Greyhound bus driver: We're pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.
--Geyhound, Port Authority
Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna
Wednesday One-Liners Strike Hard and Fade Away Without a Trace
Undergrad: Ninjas, see. You can't creep up on them. You can't creep up on them because actually they're creeping up on you. And the person you're creeping up on is actually a mendicant.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: pumpkin
Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Staten Island. It's like the ninja island.
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: Green Star
Young lady suit on cell: Want to know what I learned today? Okay, you know how I really hate those rolling briefcases because they fucking ninja you while you're walking? Well, today I learned that it's really hard to be angry about a rolling briefcase when it's being pulled by a genuine midget. It's like watching a pony pull a cart. It's adorable!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: she wasn't too tall herself...
Geeky girl: They should really make a video game about a ninja doing the dishes. That shit would be dope.
--Flatiron District
Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?
Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!
--University & 10th St
Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ
Old man crossing the street, on cell: I'm crossing the fucking street!
--42nd & Broadway
Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you're Jewish doesn't mean cars won't run you over.
--Columbus Circle
Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!
--Metro North Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.
--Canal Street
Overheard by: F Tourists
[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Aimee
Send in the Wednesday One-Liners
Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn't no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!
--P.S. 218, The Bronx
Overheard by: Children are the future
Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.
--7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope
Overheard by: send in the clowns
Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!
--Brooklyn
Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!
--Barnum & Bailey Circus
Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you'll get a clown and a playboy bunny!
--E4th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: I might consider paying up
Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I'm going to kill myself!
--14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don't send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It's inconsiderate.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I'm so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would've jumped out of a building.
--City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
--Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
--Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don't even know how to smoke right!"
--4 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In
Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin' Chinese food on new year's eve!
--Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year's date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.
Disgusted McDonald's patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo's taint!
--14 & Broadway
Overheard by: Shemp
Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.
--4 Train
Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Queer: I can't wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it'll go away after a week," but I told them it's just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men's room, and it's got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] ... Oh, it's prolly me. [Keeps walking.]
--Library, Washington Irving High School
Wednesday One-Liners Hope You're Not a Cop
Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.
--5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nerd
Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do... You... Take... Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!
--Milford Hotel
Overheard by: not an asian call girl
Guy: I'm a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!
--Central Park
Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig's list. Shit, there's like 5,000 hookers on Craig's list. I love that shit.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: who knew?
Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?
--39th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Asian girl to friend: As long as I'm slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!
--22nd & 9th
Overheard by: Kate
Wednesday Pick-Up-Liners
Guy, bumping into girlfriend as bus lurches: Sorry baby, that's gravity. I can't help it, I'm physically attracted to you.
--M116 Bus
Overheard by: I hate the bus
Construction worker hitting on young girl: Hey baby, you are too cute to be so pretty!
--Allen & East Houston
Black bag seller to passerby: Hey sweetheart, you wanna buy a bag today? I'll tell you what, you buy a bag and I'll give you my number for free.
--33rd & Broadway
Man to teenage girls: Do you and your friends like to wrestle? I swear to god I could take you all.
--Times Square
Overheard by: yearbookie
Homie to friends: They say in the old days you couldn't even holler at a woman cause she wouldn't answer you.
--South Williamsburg
Overheard by: DanielXY
Homeless man to cute passerby: Nice knees.
--Central Park
Monkey: Homey Don't Play That!
Girl, after seeing an ad for "escape from chimp eden": Oh, I want a monkey! I've always wanted a monkey!
Friend: Like, as a pet?
Girl: ... Or a homie.
--133rd St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Nathalie
And Quit Brandishing That Anal Probe
[A Girl is running ahead of her mom and yelling.]
Mom: Get back here!
[Girl continues her rowdy behavior.]
Little girl: No! Ahhhhh!
Mom: Stop yelling like that! You're going to scare the humans.
--59th & Lex
Of Course, They Make Tons More Money Than Me And Actually Help Society...
Guy at hipster party: As white people, we don't think of Greeks as white --we think of them as... Dirty Greeks!
Girl: I can't believe you just said that.
Guy: Come on. No one likes a Greek.
--Party, Greenpoint
Overheard by: I have no problem with Greeks
And the Canadian Hat Dance
Deli worker: What part of Mexico are you from?
Tourist: Umm... We're from Canada.
Deli worker: Oh. You sure like spicy peppers.
Tourist: Yeah. All Canadians like spicy peppers.
Deli worker: True.
--Broadway & Liberty
I'll Follow in the Footsteps of the Guys Who Invented "Poontang" and "Beaver Pie"
Guy: I've started calling vaginas "Panninis."
Girl: You dug this hole!
Guy: Yeah, and now I'm gonna bury myself in it -which is great, because it's the perfect size to fit my dead corpse!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Therese
You Should at Least Stop Tearing Guys' Cocks Off
Teen dude: So you wouldn't?
Teen girl: Hell no! I'd break up with any dude who'd had his cock torn off and reconstructed using part of his thigh! That shit ain't natural.
Teen dude: That's so shallow.
--Union Square
And I'll Get All Nostalgic
Girl #1: What kind of food do you want?
Girl #2: I don't know, I can do anything so you can pick.
Girl #1: Ohhh... Let's get Indian! I really want Indian.
Girl #2: Can't do Indian. It reminds me of anal sex.
--L Train
Overheard by: sneddy krueger
"Rapid I Movement" Is Otherwise Known As Narcissism
Professor: So REM stands for "Rapid Eye Movement".
Befuddled girl: Then why isn't it called "RIM"?
--Psychology Lecture, City College
People Should Be Made to Watch Footage of Their Drunken Selves
Drunk guy #1: Yo, let me get a cheese slice. No... Actually, what is that?
Drunk guy #2: It's a lasagna slice.
Drunk guy #1: Nah, I need some fuckin meat. Give me a slice with some fuckin meat on it. Oh! You got any slices with alcohol? Give me a slice with alcohol on it. Give me some alcohol!
--Moon Pie Pizza, 4th St & Avenue C
Overheard by: soyloaf
In My Dreams, I've Already Invented the Water-Powered Car
Long Island girl: The things I think about when I'm not sleeping are so meaningless.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Casayoto
That's the Third Time This Week
Bimbette art student #1, pointing at fresh grapes: I don't get why they call 'olive-skinned' people 'olive-skinned'. No one's skin is that color!
Bimbette art student #2, after closer inspection of fresh grapes: Yeah, but those olives look messed up, I think they're fake. Real olives are, like, darker or something.
Bimbette art student #1: Yeah, those olives are too light, that's it. No one's skin is that color of... of light green.
Cashier: Uhm, are you ladies in line? Can I get you some... Grapes?
Bimbette art student #3: Yeah, those olives are totally fake, that must be it.
[Group leaves deli.]
Cashier: Did that really just happen?
--27th & 5th
This Reference Is on the Cusp of Becoming Old
Dude #1: ... Yo it was awesome man, she was so hot. It totally made the ski trip worth it.
Dude #2: Look at you, Governor Spitzer, gettin' some outta town booty.
--Bryant Park
Don't You Make Your Own Lunch?
Guy #1: You've been snackin' recently.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Spitting in my sandwiches --and I still eat them, but there's no trust!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Been Jamin'
But You Were So Supportive About the Red Dress!
Twelve-year-old boy: How do you know they don't have kid's sizes?
Mom: I just know they don't.
Kid: But how do you know?!
Mom, impatient: I know!
--Christopher St., in front of Gay Leather Fetish Shop
Think Tim Curry Still Works at the Plaza Hotel?
Tourist dude: I would really like to go see Kevin's uncle's house.
Girl: Who?
Dude: You know, Kevin from "Home Alone 2", I am sure the house is all renovated now.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: jlovely
So I Should Be Fine
Student #1: Can you drink rubbing alcohol?
Teacher: No. If you do, you will die.
Student #2: Unless you're Irish.
--Classroom, Edward R. Murrow Highschool, Brooklyn
Overheard by: anonymous
You Can Watch Them in Their Natural Habitat
Little black boy in school group: Why are there all white people here? Is this a white people place, Miss Hannah?
Teacher: Well...
--Museum of Natural History
Are You Reading Off... an Index Card?
Dude: Hey, good to see you, what's new?
Goth tranny: Oh, not much. In a new band, we're looking for a bassist, we have a show on Saturday, my apartment sucks, Joe quit, been trying to lose weight, I need a haircut, it's my birthday next week, and I've been playing World of Warcraft. What about you?
--Halloween Adventure, 11th & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
You Know Smiling Is Illegal in This Zip Code
Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god... You didn't do what you did last time, did you?!?
--Broadway & Reade
Wait, Hamburgers, That's How!
Stuy Girl: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Stuy Guy: Well, I really want to just own some cows in Spain.
Stuy girl: Um, and do what with them?
Stuy Guy: Uh, milk them...I guess.
Stuy Girl: That's not very realistic.
Stuy Guy: Yeah, I was thinking more in terms of like, if I didn't have to survive...
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: jules
It's a Second Chance for You to Pretend Not to Notice the Smell
Man #1, trying to make the elevator door before it closes: Don't you guys believe in second chances?
Man #2: Did you have beans for lunch?
--188 Montague, Brooklyn Heights
He Was Surprisingly Affectionate
Hipster guy: Yo! My girlfriend gave me a hickey, and now there's a rumor that I got into a fight with a black kid.
Friend: Dude!
--Edward Murrow High School
Headline by: Justin
Runners-Up:
· "Oh Please! If That Were True You'd Have a Stab-wound, Not a Hickey." - nosey nafia
· "Shouldn't Have Let Her Hickey Your Eye, I Guess." - Internev
· "That's Funny, I'd Heard Something About a Vacuum Cleaner" - Marv in DC
· "Well, She Does Look Like Gary Coleman." - stevevc
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's What You Said about the Bratz Movie
Guy: So I watched The Godfather last night.
Girl: Was it good?
Guy: It was awesome! It was like a better Grand Theft Auto.
--Metro North
She's Not Even the Toughest Woman on Avenue A
30ish girl, looking at twenty-year olds: Are they going on about how old they are? Oh, please.
45ish rocker chick: Yup, they are.
30ish girl: I think I'm older than they are!
45ish: Me too. From the look of things, they're about the age of my first abortion.
30ish girl: [Chokes on beer.]
45ish: Wonder how old that would be now?
30ish girl: Please stop.
--Double Down, Ave A
Overheard by: Happygirl
A Little Bit Quieter Than That
Male student: I think it was just like... quiet racism.
Exuberant black teacher, whispering: Nigga!
--ICE High School, 16th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Lady-Bastard
Her Continued Sexual Conquest Is Like the Miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes
Chick #1: She would do something like that with her crazy ass!
Chick #2: It's her pussy that's crazy!
[Much laughter.]
Chick #1: Ass, pussy, she don't care! Everybody gets a piece!
--15th & 5th Ave
...With a Faint Tinge of White Castle
Pretty girl #1 in parking lot of zoo: Yep, it smells like zoo here.
Pretty girl #2: Well, I just farted.
Pretty girl #1, walking a few feet: Nope, still smells like zoo.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Ashley and Daria
You Make It Come Alive for Me All Over Again
Thug: Yo, you saw that "Pirates of the Caribbean"?
Suit: Yeah.
Thug, laughing hysterically: That part where they're on the boats?
Suit: Yeah...
Thug: I'm just sayin', it was funny though.
--34th & 10th
Overheard by: I laughed, I cried...
...As Soon As You Fall Asleep
Stoner #1: Yo, I'm Superman.
Stoner #2: If you're Superman, I'm Superman too.
Stoner #1: How the hell can you be Superman?
Stoner #2: I'll show you later!
--14th St., Union Square
Overheard by: Supacat
Isn't That a Go-Go-Gadget Dildo Hat?
Guy #1: Hey, that girl's pretty cute.
Guy #2: Yeah, except the hat is kind of Inspector Gadget.
Guy #1: Yeah, or Peter Sellers. She's got kind of a Peter Sellers look going on.
Guy #2: "I love the way you look like Peter Sellers... but hot."
--6 Train