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April 2008 Archives
Won't Somebody Please Think of the Wednesday One-Liners?
Little boy: But I was really excited for her to get a hernia!
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: alix
Eleven-year-old boy, to classmate that he just hit with a ball representing "responsibility": Oooooooo!!! You just got pounded in the face with responsibility!!!
--Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Their Proud Counselor
Ten-year-old girl, about figures: Why do they all have to be boys?
--Bodies: The Exhibition, South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Robert
Young child crossing the street while holding his mothers hand: [Singing] Please... Don't... Enter me.
--70th St & Columbus
Little boy: It's not illegal to jiggle.
--6th & 17th
Preschooler to daddy: Can I get that three hundred dollars now?
--UES
Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle
African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I'm not a machine! I'm not a machine! I'm not a wheel!
--W 23rd St
Overheard by: I'm a train!
Loud chick on cell: So I told him he's gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn't do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me...
--37th & Broadway
Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that's a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa's got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend's pop. So now I'm getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -'cause that's the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?
--85th & Columbus Ave
Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don't just sit there, go go go!
--99th & 5th, NYC Marathon
Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!
--76th & York
Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners' Strike Is Over
Chick on cell: We can't let Blair and Tootie control our lives!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Poogins
Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is "Desperate Housewives" on?!
--10th Street & 3rd Ave
Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can't believe you missed it. It was the best episode I've seen yet, seriously bro... Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: "I wanna forget you!" I was like: "Whaaaaaat? For real?" It was crazy, you gotta catch it!
--Times Square Office Building
Overheard by: SUSAN
Redhead: The "Brady Bunch" world is a world without urges.
--Veniero's, 11th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he'll bring it. Bring what? He's not gangsta like I am, he ain't thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.
--On the Bus
Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I'm like: "I watch 'Law and Order: SVU', I'm not getting in your van."
--15th between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Disunionsquare
Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I'm the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl's camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.]
--Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square
Omagah, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed.
--W 52nd & 9th
Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about
Queer: Well kids, it's been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first.
--Wagner College Dinning Hall
Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit.
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: bitterfame
Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol?
--23rd & 7th
Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.]
--Pillow Fight, Union Square
Overheard by: Lillian
Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I'd love to see you in a speedo!
--Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Carry a Tune in a Bucket
Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces...
--72nd St & Columbus
Overheard by: Asset
Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome...
--Union Square Platform
Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel
Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee..!
--6th Ave & Waverly
Overheard by: Jatmos
Blind panhandler, singing: Can't take my eyes off of you...
--R Train
Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin' pen, so I can write a sign...
--St Mark's Place
Greyhound bus driver: We're pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.
--Geyhound, Port Authority
Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna
Wednesday One-Liners Strike Hard and Fade Away Without a Trace
Undergrad: Ninjas, see. You can't creep up on them. You can't creep up on them because actually they're creeping up on you. And the person you're creeping up on is actually a mendicant.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: pumpkin
Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Staten Island. It's like the ninja island.
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: Green Star
Young lady suit on cell: Want to know what I learned today? Okay, you know how I really hate those rolling briefcases because they fucking ninja you while you're walking? Well, today I learned that it's really hard to be angry about a rolling briefcase when it's being pulled by a genuine midget. It's like watching a pony pull a cart. It's adorable!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: she wasn't too tall herself...
Geeky girl: They should really make a video game about a ninja doing the dishes. That shit would be dope.
--Flatiron District
Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?
Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!
--University & 10th St
Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ
Old man crossing the street, on cell: I'm crossing the fucking street!
--42nd & Broadway
Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you're Jewish doesn't mean cars won't run you over.
--Columbus Circle
Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!
--Metro North Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.
--Canal Street
Overheard by: F Tourists
[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Aimee
Send in the Wednesday One-Liners
Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn't no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!
--P.S. 218, The Bronx
Overheard by: Children are the future
Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.
--7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope
Overheard by: send in the clowns
Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!
--Brooklyn
Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!
--Barnum & Bailey Circus
Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you'll get a clown and a playboy bunny!
--E4th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: I might consider paying up
Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I'm going to kill myself!
--14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don't send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It's inconsiderate.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I'm so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would've jumped out of a building.
--City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
--Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
--Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don't even know how to smoke right!"
--4 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In
Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin' Chinese food on new year's eve!
--Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year's date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.
Disgusted McDonald's patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo's taint!
--14 & Broadway
Overheard by: Shemp
Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.
--4 Train
Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Queer: I can't wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it'll go away after a week," but I told them it's just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men's room, and it's got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] ... Oh, it's prolly me. [Keeps walking.]
--Library, Washington Irving High School
Wednesday One-Liners Hope You're Not a Cop
Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.
--5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nerd
Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do... You... Take... Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!
--Milford Hotel
Overheard by: not an asian call girl
Guy: I'm a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!
--Central Park
Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig's list. Shit, there's like 5,000 hookers on Craig's list. I love that shit.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: who knew?
Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?
--39th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Asian girl to friend: As long as I'm slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!
--22nd & 9th
Overheard by: Kate
Wednesday Pick-Up-Liners
Guy, bumping into girlfriend as bus lurches: Sorry baby, that's gravity. I can't help it, I'm physically attracted to you.
--M116 Bus
Overheard by: I hate the bus
Construction worker hitting on young girl: Hey baby, you are too cute to be so pretty!
--Allen & East Houston
Black bag seller to passerby: Hey sweetheart, you wanna buy a bag today? I'll tell you what, you buy a bag and I'll give you my number for free.
--33rd & Broadway
Man to teenage girls: Do you and your friends like to wrestle? I swear to god I could take you all.
--Times Square
Overheard by: yearbookie
Homie to friends: They say in the old days you couldn't even holler at a woman cause she wouldn't answer you.
--South Williamsburg
Overheard by: DanielXY
Homeless man to cute passerby: Nice knees.
--Central Park
Monkey: Homey Don't Play That!
Girl, after seeing an ad for "escape from chimp eden": Oh, I want a monkey! I've always wanted a monkey!
Friend: Like, as a pet?
Girl: ... Or a homie.
--133rd St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Nathalie
And Quit Brandishing That Anal Probe
[A Girl is running ahead of her mom and yelling.]
Mom: Get back here!
[Girl continues her rowdy behavior.]
Little girl: No! Ahhhhh!
Mom: Stop yelling like that! You're going to scare the humans.
--59th & Lex
Of Course, They Make Tons More Money Than Me And Actually Help Society...
Guy at hipster party: As white people, we don't think of Greeks as white --we think of them as... Dirty Greeks!
Girl: I can't believe you just said that.
Guy: Come on. No one likes a Greek.
--Party, Greenpoint
Overheard by: I have no problem with Greeks
And the Canadian Hat Dance
Deli worker: What part of Mexico are you from?
Tourist: Umm... We're from Canada.
Deli worker: Oh. You sure like spicy peppers.
Tourist: Yeah. All Canadians like spicy peppers.
Deli worker: True.
--Broadway & Liberty
I'll Follow in the Footsteps of the Guys Who Invented "Poontang" and "Beaver Pie"
Guy: I've started calling vaginas "Panninis."
Girl: You dug this hole!
Guy: Yeah, and now I'm gonna bury myself in it -which is great, because it's the perfect size to fit my dead corpse!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Therese
You Should at Least Stop Tearing Guys' Cocks Off
Teen dude: So you wouldn't?
Teen girl: Hell no! I'd break up with any dude who'd had his cock torn off and reconstructed using part of his thigh! That shit ain't natural.
Teen dude: That's so shallow.
--Union Square
And I'll Get All Nostalgic
Girl #1: What kind of food do you want?
Girl #2: I don't know, I can do anything so you can pick.
Girl #1: Ohhh... Let's get Indian! I really want Indian.
Girl #2: Can't do Indian. It reminds me of anal sex.
--L Train
Overheard by: sneddy krueger
"Rapid I Movement" Is Otherwise Known As Narcissism
Professor: So REM stands for "Rapid Eye Movement".
Befuddled girl: Then why isn't it called "RIM"?
--Psychology Lecture, City College
People Should Be Made to Watch Footage of Their Drunken Selves
Drunk guy #1: Yo, let me get a cheese slice. No... Actually, what is that?
Drunk guy #2: It's a lasagna slice.
Drunk guy #1: Nah, I need some fuckin meat. Give me a slice with some fuckin meat on it. Oh! You got any slices with alcohol? Give me a slice with alcohol on it. Give me some alcohol!
--Moon Pie Pizza, 4th St & Avenue C
Overheard by: soyloaf
In My Dreams, I've Already Invented the Water-Powered Car
Long Island girl: The things I think about when I'm not sleeping are so meaningless.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Casayoto
That's the Third Time This Week
Bimbette art student #1, pointing at fresh grapes: I don't get why they call 'olive-skinned' people 'olive-skinned'. No one's skin is that color!
Bimbette art student #2, after closer inspection of fresh grapes: Yeah, but those olives look messed up, I think they're fake. Real olives are, like, darker or something.
Bimbette art student #1: Yeah, those olives are too light, that's it. No one's skin is that color of... of light green.
Cashier: Uhm, are you ladies in line? Can I get you some... Grapes?
Bimbette art student #3: Yeah, those olives are totally fake, that must be it.
[Group leaves deli.]
Cashier: Did that really just happen?
--27th & 5th
This Reference Is on the Cusp of Becoming Old
Dude #1: ... Yo it was awesome man, she was so hot. It totally made the ski trip worth it.
Dude #2: Look at you, Governor Spitzer, gettin' some outta town booty.
--Bryant Park
Don't You Make Your Own Lunch?
Guy #1: You've been snackin' recently.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Spitting in my sandwiches --and I still eat them, but there's no trust!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Been Jamin'
But You Were So Supportive About the Red Dress!
Twelve-year-old boy: How do you know they don't have kid's sizes?
Mom: I just know they don't.
Kid: But how do you know?!
Mom, impatient: I know!
--Christopher St., in front of Gay Leather Fetish Shop
Think Tim Curry Still Works at the Plaza Hotel?
Tourist dude: I would really like to go see Kevin's uncle's house.
Girl: Who?
Dude: You know, Kevin from "Home Alone 2", I am sure the house is all renovated now.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: jlovely
So I Should Be Fine
Student #1: Can you drink rubbing alcohol?
Teacher: No. If you do, you will die.
Student #2: Unless you're Irish.
--Classroom, Edward R. Murrow Highschool, Brooklyn
Overheard by: anonymous
You Can Watch Them in Their Natural Habitat
Little black boy in school group: Why are there all white people here? Is this a white people place, Miss Hannah?
Teacher: Well...
--Museum of Natural History
Are You Reading Off... an Index Card?
Dude: Hey, good to see you, what's new?
Goth tranny: Oh, not much. In a new band, we're looking for a bassist, we have a show on Saturday, my apartment sucks, Joe quit, been trying to lose weight, I need a haircut, it's my birthday next week, and I've been playing World of Warcraft. What about you?
--Halloween Adventure, 11th & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
You Know Smiling Is Illegal in This Zip Code
Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god... You didn't do what you did last time, did you?!?
--Broadway & Reade
Wait, Hamburgers, That's How!
Stuy Girl: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Stuy Guy: Well, I really want to just own some cows in Spain.
Stuy girl: Um, and do what with them?
Stuy Guy: Uh, milk them...I guess.
Stuy Girl: That's not very realistic.
Stuy Guy: Yeah, I was thinking more in terms of like, if I didn't have to survive...
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: jules
It's a Second Chance for You to Pretend Not to Notice the Smell
Man #1, trying to make the elevator door before it closes: Don't you guys believe in second chances?
Man #2: Did you have beans for lunch?
--188 Montague, Brooklyn Heights
He Was Surprisingly Affectionate
Hipster guy: Yo! My girlfriend gave me a hickey, and now there's a rumor that I got into a fight with a black kid.
Friend: Dude!
--Edward Murrow High School
Headline by: Justin
Runners-Up:
· "Oh Please! If That Were True You'd Have a Stab-wound, Not a Hickey." - nosey nafia
· "Shouldn't Have Let Her Hickey Your Eye, I Guess." - Internev
· "That's Funny, I'd Heard Something About a Vacuum Cleaner" - Marv in DC
· "Well, She Does Look Like Gary Coleman." - stevevc
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That's What You Said about the Bratz Movie
Guy: So I watched The Godfather last night.
Girl: Was it good?
Guy: It was awesome! It was like a better Grand Theft Auto.
--Metro North
She's Not Even the Toughest Woman on Avenue A
30ish girl, looking at twenty-year olds: Are they going on about how old they are? Oh, please.
45ish rocker chick: Yup, they are.
30ish girl: I think I'm older than they are!
45ish: Me too. From the look of things, they're about the age of my first abortion.
30ish girl: [Chokes on beer.]
45ish: Wonder how old that would be now?
30ish girl: Please stop.
--Double Down, Ave A
Overheard by: Happygirl
A Little Bit Quieter Than That
Male student: I think it was just like... quiet racism.
Exuberant black teacher, whispering: Nigga!
--ICE High School, 16th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Lady-Bastard
Her Continued Sexual Conquest Is Like the Miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes
Chick #1: She would do something like that with her crazy ass!
Chick #2: It's her pussy that's crazy!
[Much laughter.]
Chick #1: Ass, pussy, she don't care! Everybody gets a piece!
--15th & 5th Ave
...With a Faint Tinge of White Castle
Pretty girl #1 in parking lot of zoo: Yep, it smells like zoo here.
Pretty girl #2: Well, I just farted.
Pretty girl #1, walking a few feet: Nope, still smells like zoo.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Ashley and Daria
You Make It Come Alive for Me All Over Again
Thug: Yo, you saw that "Pirates of the Caribbean"?
Suit: Yeah.
Thug, laughing hysterically: That part where they're on the boats?
Suit: Yeah...
Thug: I'm just sayin', it was funny though.
--34th & 10th
Overheard by: I laughed, I cried...
...As Soon As You Fall Asleep
Stoner #1: Yo, I'm Superman.
Stoner #2: If you're Superman, I'm Superman too.
Stoner #1: How the hell can you be Superman?
Stoner #2: I'll show you later!
--14th St., Union Square
Overheard by: Supacat
Isn't That a Go-Go-Gadget Dildo Hat?
Guy #1: Hey, that girl's pretty cute.
Guy #2: Yeah, except the hat is kind of Inspector Gadget.
Guy #1: Yeah, or Peter Sellers. She's got kind of a Peter Sellers look going on.
Guy #2: "I love the way you look like Peter Sellers... but hot."
--6 Train
Men Really Do Have Trouble Multitasking
College boy #1: Do you think when we get there we can...
[Five second pause.]
College boy #2: What?
College boy #1: Sorry, I had to concentrate. I had to fart.
--Crosstown Bus
Overheard by: Gonna Cab It From Now On
Asian People Have Jobs
Hot drunk girl #1: Hey, Alice, can Asian people have dreadlocks?
Hot drunk guy: No, you have to be black or Jewish.
Hot drunk girl #2: I'm Jewish!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Dreadless Jew
Donald Duck Makes Announcements on the PA System
Girl #1: I think the subway is, like, the Disney Monorail of New York City.
Girl #2: Yeah, but underground... Wow, I never thought of it like that!
--N Train
Overheard by: Lauryn McC.
He Gives Me All the Nutrition I Need
Boy waving banana: Want this?
Frustrated girl: I don't need a banana. I have a boyfriend.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Hey Kid, Stop Being Black on the Subway!
Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see white people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
--C Train
Overheard by: Noelle
They Pull You in With Candy --Then, Bam, You're a Sinner!
Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don't celebrate Easter--we're Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It's not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.
--Times Square
You Should See My Notes for Sexual Anthropology
Teen girl #1: Don't read it.
Teen boy: Really?
Teen girl #2: It's so overrated. Everyone's like "Oh my god, Frankenstien is awesome!" but it's not. It isn't. Frankenstein sucks so hard.
Teen girl #1: Victor spends half the book sick, and the monster spends half the book spying on a family with a hot Arabian chick.
Teen boy: What about all the torches and Igor and everything?
Teen girl #2: Not there.
Teen boy: For real?
Teen girl #1: Just a lot of a Swiss guy crying and lying on the floor. I even have it in my notes, "Victor says: 'When in doubt, pass out!'" And there's a stick figure giving a thumbs up.
--Forbidden Planet
I'm Beginning to Think My Thesis Advisor Is Asking Too Much of Me
Girl: I don't inspect poo, and I don't pull things from her ass.
Guy: [Blank stare.]
--Union St., Brooklyn
Still a More Convincing Gandhi Than Ben Kingsley
Guy with thick New York accent: Come on, let's go.
[Dog lies down on back.]
Guy: Don't do that Mahatma Gandhi shit!
--Washington Square Dog Run
Overheard by: KidUgly
But at Least You've Stopped with the Slapping
Mother to child: Shut up!
Child: Don't you dare use that language with me! You're so disrespectful!
--85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Nora
You Big, Gay Little House-Watcher
Guy on cell: There was Laura Ingalls and the mean one... What was her name?
Passerby: Nellie!
--Entrance, A Train
Overheard by: TRUE
Translation: "That Bathroom Better Have a Window Big Enough to Fit Me"
Guy to date: Well, when it's like when I'm on a roadtrip, even if I need to pee, I don't, I force myself to keep it in, it's like a control thing. Totally about power. [Date gets up to go to the bathroom.] Hurry back! I want to tell you more!
Date: Yeah, it's really... Powerful.
--Soup'N'Burger, Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: rpk
We Can Stand on the Platform All Night and Pretend We're Waiting for the G
Nineteen-year-old guy: So do you want to try role playing tonight?
Nineteen-year-old girlfriend: What?!
Nineteen-year-old guy: You know, like let's pretend we're from Brooklyn.
--120th & Broadway
Overheard by: Heather V
Someday She'll Just Erupt Like Mount Crackhotoa
Girl: He says that she is his soulmate. Is he fucking kidding me?
Guy: She is a semen-gurgling road whore.
--Subway Inn, 60th St, UES
There's No Magic Like the Sorcery of Proper Accessorizing
Little boy, shouting and grabbing magic wand from his sister: No! I wanna be Hermione! It's my turn to be Hermione!
Little girl: Be Harry! His magic's better!
Little boy: But Hermione's clothes are so much cooler!
--Barnes and Noble, E 86th St
Overheard by: Noel Coward
Tomorrow --Wood-Chippers and Car Trunks!
Student: So how can we use this information to our advantage?
Professor: Well, if you were ever going to kill someone you would want to bury them in wet ground.
Student: Like a swamp?
Professor, with evil grin: A swamp would be ideal.
--Electromagnetics Lecture, Columbia University
Usually I Have No Problem Getting Weed
Man leaving Dunkin Donuts: She tried to sell me donuts!
Wife: Are you sure?
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: soph
And a Decent Thesis Advisor
Bimbette #1: He's hot.
Bimbette #2: I think he's gross.
Bimbette #1: Why do you think he's gross?
Bimbette #2: Well, he tosses salads. I personally think that's gross. But he's overall a cool guy.
--11th & University
I Figure, If You're Male, Going to Atonement Is Like Waving a Rainbow Flag
Gay guy: I'm going to the movies tonight.
Male friend: Yeah? To see what?
Gay guy: Men.
--Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Wish I was going, too
I Miss This
Chick: Since we broke up you've been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You shouldn't smoke.
Guy: You shouldn't suck so much dick but you don't hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]
Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!
--B Train
Overheard by: another now single smoker
Isn't That Sweet?
[Skinny girl takes box of equal out of her pocket and puts half the packages in her coffee.]
Friend: What are you doing? You're going to get cancer!
Equal girl: Yeah, but I won't get fat.
--Starbucks
Now New York Is Laughing
Guy #1: Man, do you think *Jane is hot?
Guy #2: I mean she's smart, but I wouldn't say she's hot. Why do you think she's into you?
Guy #1: Well, I think that she thinks I'm arrogant, but I'm not. It just comes off that way because I'm really insecure, my confidence is all fake.
Guy #3: Hey, I think that girl is listening to us... And she's laughing.
Guy #1: Anyway... Can we please talk about my insecurities for a while, we never talk about me.
--Metro North
Overheard by: texting her friend the whole convo
Game. Set. Match
Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: ... From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad's dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.
--Churchill's
Overheard by: Veggie2001
Her Penis Was Unexpected
Muscular bouncer, to drunk girl: I'll make sure you get in, because you've got that cute little lip ring.
Drunk girl: Want to see what else I've got?
Fat bouncer: I do!
--310 Bowery
Overheard by: Vasu
First-Come, First-Served Is a Pretext for Discrimination!
[A woman creates her own line and walks up to the counter.]
Postal employee: Ma'am, you have to wait in line.
Latino woman: I was in the esspress line.
Postal employee: We don't serve espresso here ma'am, this is the post office.
Latino woman: What? You think I'm stoopid? I have less than ten items.
Postal employee: There is no express line at the post office, please wait in line like the other people.
Latino woman: Oh... I see how it is.
Postal employee: Happy holidays, ma'am.
Latino woman: Fuck you too.
--Post Office, 14th Street & Avenue A
Overheard by: texmorgan
And Sometimes Pre-Mustard
Film professor: What kind of movie causes a bodily reaction?
Student:... Pornography?
Film professor: And what does pornography cause your body to produce?
Student, after long pause: Bodily... fluids?
Film professor: Otherwise known as... Cum!
--Columbia Universtiy
And Never Ride the Subway
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: How many Ts in frottage?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Frottage? What's that?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: It's when you rub against someone in a crowd, sexually. Like dry humping.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Oh yeeeeah, I knew that. Jeez, I haven't heard that word since that Psychology of Sex class I took a few years ago.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1, enthusiastically: That's because you don't read enough slash!
--Starbucks, 2nd & 9th
Sometimes Even Math Majors Can't Do the Math
Asian guy #1: Hey, would you date a female version of yourself?
Asian guy #2: No way bro, I don't date white bitches.
--Columbia University
The Smiths' First Attempts at Threesome Recruitment Were Quite Bungled
Woman tourist to chick smoking: Can I ask you a question? My husband and I are trying to see who's right...
Chick: Ummmm...
Woman tourist: Where is the Statue of Liberty? I said midtown, but Bob thinks it's uptown.
Chick: It's actually all the way downtown in New York harbor...
Woman tourist, to husband: See Bob, I was right.
Chick: Umm... No... Well, whatever.
--42nd St
Overheard by: Libby
Don't Let a Little Thing Like a Manslaughter Conviction Stand in Your Way
Girl #1: I don't know, I don't really know him that well.
Girl #2: All I'm saying is: he's pretty good-looking and he wants to have sex with you, so just let him already.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Eric
...Anne Frank, Get Your Gun
Dude #1: Do you think it's possible to write a book and then find out it's just like another book?
Dude #2: Yeah... That happened with my musical about the Nazis...
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Nice to See That Cultural Reference Alive and Kickin'
MTA employee #1: You know, it's thought that the first vampire was actually Lilith...
MTA employee #2: You mean Frasier's wife?
--7 Train
Overheard by: The only other person who got it.
Marge Began to Regret Giving Her Daughter Whiskey As a Baby
Daughter: I was a needle!
Mom: How were you a needle?
Daughter: I was a cute needle!
--10th & 6th Ave
So What's the Going Rate for Hairballing, Anyway?
Drunk dude #1: He has a total hair fetish.
Drunk dude #2: How do you know?
Drunk dude #1: Remember Kathy?
Drunk dude #3: The whore?
Drunk dude #1: Yeah. Well, he asked her how much it'd be to rub her hair on his balls, and she said $50.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Jordan
This Picture Book Will Explain
Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It's called the "Paul Bunyan".
Bimbette: Is that French?
--High Life Cafe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
I Only Care About the Important Things, Like the Size of His Apartment
Girl #1: ... So, do you have a thing for him?
Girl #2: No. I mean he's cute, but he's overweight and doesn't dress that well.
Girl #1: That never stops me!
--1 Train
Overheard by: p9
I Also Love Gravity Bongs and Our Lord Jesus Christ
Boyfriend: This song was in 'Beavis and Butt-head do America'!
Girlfriend: Yeah?
Boyfriend: I love that movie ... And I love you.
--Dunkin Donuts, 26th & 7th
Overheard by: Kai Nagai-Rothe
Leggo My Preggo! Is By Far My Favorite
Student #1: I have a friend who is addicted to pregger porn.
Student #2: What is that?
Student #1: It is watching pregnant women getting fucked in the ass, it's kind of interesting.
--Columbia University
And Her Apparent Clitoral Hypertrophy
Girl: My new roommate gets freaked out by my composting. She's like, why are there egg shells and coffee grounds in this bin?
Boy: She has other things to be more freaked out about, like her mustache.
--B54 Bus
Every Nasty Thing You Say to a Kid Will Come Back to You
[A woman is dragging a five-year-old boy into the women's restroom.]
Boy: I don't want to go in.
Woman: Come on, it'll only take a minute.
Boy: But you can wipe your ass by yourself now!
--Times Square
New York's Onstar Is a Little Lacking in Tact.
Random female tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me which way is the river?
Random angry new yorker: Which one, lady? You're on a fucking island.
--9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Elan
Headline by: Jess
Runners-Up:
· ""Oh, Sorry. I'm Looking For, Um (Reading Guidebook) 'Duh Fuckin' River Wit Dah Steel Bitch Innit'..."" - Mike Chmiel
· "And That Was All Reba Needed For A Good Country Song" - cbeck
· "Generic Tourist 'To Do' List: "Get Insulted by New Yorker: - Check!" - Bassmanbish
· "Shit...Can You Tell Me How to Get to New York Then?" - lisa
· "The Map Crisis in America Doesn't Just Apply to Beauty Pageants" - Erin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Prefer to Think of It As "Orange Alert Level"
Thug #1: I got pain in my legs and arthritis in my balls.
Thug #2: Damn, you fucked, nigga!
Thug #1: That's some category 10 pain!
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th
Overheard by: Only in category three pain
You're Still Only As Safe As Your Lover, Sweetie
Well-meaning volunteer: Help yourself, free condoms from the department of public health.
Hugely pregnant passerby: Too late.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Katie
I Thought Your Pump-up Jam Was "If I Could Turn Back Time"?
["Umbrella" by rihanna is being loudly played.]
Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is totally what you hear before you start shooting kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, excuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it's like your pump-up jam.
--E 10th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Dying of laughter
Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n' roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.
--42nd & 6th Subway Station
Overheard by: Tony
Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That's why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It's in the bible!
--2 Train
Preacher: We've got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that's okay, that's okay! That's what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York ...
--Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem
Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.
--3 Train
Street preacher: ... And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: EthanK
Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners
Stagehand: I'm telling you, in my next life I'm gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it's gonna be great!
--Lincoln Center
Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you'll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!
--Parsons, 40th & 7th ave
College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin's feet.] Never mind, it's not a mermaid!
--Museum of Natural History
Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I'll be the tooth fairy!
--Times Square Subway
Overheard by: Lillian
Go Back to Williamsburg, Wednesday One-Liner!
Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.
--Hop Scotch, Ave A
Hipster guy to girl: It's like, you can't take my identity. I'm a film director, that's who I am. It's like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings... You can't just choose to be a carpenter.
--Pepe Rosso's, Sullivan St
Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they're doing and they say clearing their head? I don't think you can really do that because when you say you're clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn't clear after all.
--A Train
Overheard by: kate
Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I'll fucking smack that headband right off you!
--8th & Bedford, Brooklyn
Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!
--Hookah Bar, East Village
Overheard by: Marisa
Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don't want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven't you ever read Kropotkin?
--125th St
Overheard by: Ali
Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners
Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island.
--Ellis Island Ferry
Overheard by: land lubber
Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin's death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was!
--Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Opera Onlooker
Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you're not the angel of death... Are you?
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: S&B
Teen guy to three teenage girls: I'm pretty sure I'm invincible and can't die.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Justin
Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn's* death and all.
--52nd St & Madison
Overheard by: kinicke
50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone... Like Heath Ledger... Or she kills herself. We just don't know.
--Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this time to remind you all that there are four doors on this subway. Four doors. So when you're waiting to board or exit the train and everyone is crowded around one door, just remember that there are four doors. Say it with me now... One... Two... Three... Four... Very good. The magic number for today is four.
--E train
Conductor, to guy trying to hold the doors open at the station: Sir, this is not your train. I repeat, this is not your train.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Firestarter
Conductor: People, this is not an "I think I can" moment! Please stand clear of the closing doors!
--1 train
Overheard by: anna
Female conductor on 3 train, when doors don't close: In the rear, whatever you have hanging out, pull it in!
--3 Train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Train conductor, to someone blocking the doors: Sure, whenever you're ready, we'll move this train out of the station.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Murtwah
Conductor: Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again.] Get yo' foot out a de do' foo'!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nick
I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!
Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.
--St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.
--7 train
Overheard by: bronwyn
Out-of-place guido: I ain't wearing nothin' that touches my balls to my asshole!
--8th Ave
Overheard by: finds it comforting
Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it's like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy's chick flick!!!"
--E 85th St & 3rd Ave
Guy: I use Burt's bees for my balls.
--Broadway & W 4th
Overheard by: Jake R
Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you'd feel a lot better if you felt my balls.
--6th Ave & Bleecker
Wednesday One-Liners Choo-Choo-Choose You
Conductor: Attention downtown passengers. The train that just left the station was obviously not your train.
--6 Train
Woman on cell: Hey, it's the MTA who should be spanked!
--Rector St.
Overheard by: Ladle
Small girl to mom: I like this train station the best because it has an elevator, and you can see the whole world outside. The whole wide beautiful world.
--Harlem Escalator, 1 Train
Overheard by: Mark Brinker
Guy: I get all my information from subway ads.
--F Train
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Woman, hearing garbled announcement that E train is running as an F: No! They are takin' all my E trains!
--E Train
Overheard by: I can has E train?
Crackhead: Make sure to take your newspapers with you on the way out of the train. I'm having company over later and I want it to look nice.
--Franklin Avenue Shuttle
Overheard by: shuttle rider
Wednesday One-Liners Are No Longer Considered a Planet
Girl, to boyfriend: And that's why you can never trust the emotions or actions of someone whose star sign is ruled by mars.
--20th & 7th
Overheard by: ALR
Barista to waiter: I don't mind that I spent $130 on a pair of Oakleys cause I can look at the sun for a while and it won't hurt my eyes.
--Long Island Railroad
Overheard by: Chris K.
Baby boomer hippie to college student: Dude, I just got me some of that Afghani shit. Took me to the mooooooon and back, baby!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Summer
Doonesbury looking dude: Imagine what life would be like without the sun.
--40th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Ledbetter
Girl, being shaken awake by friend: But Rachel, where are you going to put the black hole?
--A Train
Bum on street, to several protesters passing by in pure white bio-hazard suits: Aw... You people wait right there, I'm a run and get some cigarettes then I'm comin' to the moon with ya'll. Seriously... Wait.
--45 & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Comack
These Wednesday One-Liners Have Wings
Queer, as someone is trying to push through the crowd: Throw menstrual blood at him! That's the one thing girls can do to get back at guys! Throw menstrual blood at him!
--Roseland Ballroom
Dad to pre-teen daughter about mom: She is on the rag today. Don't talk to her this moringing, she's got an attitude.
--R Train
Girl: I have sexed my period away too!
--Bowery
Businesswoman: So yeah, it still really hurts. I guess it's cause I got my period last night... [Sees a disgusted look on a male suit's face.] Blood! Blood! Raaar!
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Withnail
Wednesday One-Liners Are Between Jobs
Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]
Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?
--D Train
Overheard by: sara
Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I'm gonna sing a song and I don't wanna hurt your ears.
--N 7th & Bedford
Black homeless man: Excuse me... Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?
--6 Train
Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?
--Lafayette & E. 4th St
Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!
--Financial District
Overheard by: nunya
Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I'm homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I'm working, man, what's up?
--Q Train
Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?
Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don't play these mind games with me!
--23rd & 8th
Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C'mon, buddy. It wasn't meant to be.
--6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You're just cuter than her. That's why she's so upset.
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what's wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?
--West 4th Station
Wednesday One-Liners Swore They'd Never Become Like Their Parents
Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you'll have to take a number.
--Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you're here. Terminal six food court line.
--JFK
Overheard by: Jen
Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what's wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you're annoying!
--Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St
Overheard by: PetRunner
Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you're a kid! You can run around!
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I'm going to have to take out my imaginary belt.
--Tompkins Square Park
Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy's house?
--The Food Emporium, 88th St
Overheard by: charlotte
Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???
--53rd & 9th
Overheard by: AH Hell's Kitchen
Anybody Have a Non-Sexual Idea What "It" Is? Didn't Think So
Tisch guy #1: I haven't used it yet, how is it?
Tisch guy #2: It's so cool, you can use it on a guy or a girl. The results are great.
Tisch girl: Ooooh! You can use it on a girl, I never even thought to try that.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: yakyak
The Same People Who Read Nicholas Sparks?
Poet, selling books: All of these books are signed, and when I go on Oprah, you can sell them on eBay!
Passenger: Let's hear a poem then!
Poet: You wanna hear a poem? "Neighbor's dog leaving feces on the sidewalk. Squish! Damn. Luck stinks."
Old man, mumbling: Who wants to read that kind of bullshit?
--6 Train
No --Why Would He Be Afraid Of Santa?
Girl: I don't think he is mature enough for me.
Guy: He doesn't wear pants! And you know, if he's claustrophobic putting his legs into pants... You see where I'm going with this?
--Broadway & 49th
Other Cities Just Say They're the Greatest in the World
Frat tourist guy: Hey! I just hailed a New York City cab!
New Yorker, jumping into cab: I just stole your cab!
--Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: sean
Just Discreetly Poison Yourself at Home Like a Lady
NYU girl #1: ... Like those people who kill themselves by throwing themselves onto the subway tracks.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, right? I mean, I know you want to die and everything, but could you like not make me late??
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: wow
But They All Watched Me Eat It, Which Was Weird
Girl: So I went over to their place and it was a bunch of super-flowery lesbians watching high school musical.
Guy: That sounds interesting.
Girl: Yeah, then they made me pork and beans, which was nice.
--M15 Bus
Like, Sleeping-with-Men Disgusting
Lesbian #1: Let's have seven babies and open an organic bakery in Vermont.
Lesbian #2: That sounds disgusting.
--Williamsburg
Wait 'Til You Get Lost in Tokyo, Smart Guy
Asian tourist with map out, blocking walking crowd: Excuse me, I'm looking for Houston street...
Suit, with high-pitched sarcasm: Really? [He keeps walking.]
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: a
...Cowboy
Pretentious hipster: So where are you ethnically from?
Indian girl: India.
Pretentious hipster: Well, I know that, but are you from Bangladesh, Pakistan, or India?
Indian girl: India.
Pretentious hipster: Ohhh, you're Native American.
Indian girl: I'll take that drink now.
--Welcome to the Johnsons Bar, Lower East Side
Overheard by: blondie
Or Perhaps That's After I Cut You and Take Your Wallet
Psychic: So, what's your major?
Girl: Biomedical engineering.
Psychic, thinking hard: I see you... Working in the medical field... With doctors and nurses perhaps...
--The Village
Overheard by: Wow, she was onto something...
Mom and Mom Set the Bar Pretty High
Nanny: You have to try not to bump into people and they will do the same.
Little girl, swerving: How?
Nanny: You need to try to walk in a straight line.
Little girl, shocked: But I don't want to be straight!
--Washington Square Park
Damn, It Felt Good to Get That Off My Chest
Big black man: It's ok, I'm not a gangsta!
Nerdy white kid: Neither am I!
--Times Square
She Once Mistook Me for a Toaster
Mother: Oh, guess what, honey? Debbie's having a baby!
Six-year-old daughter: She's going to be a horrible mother.
--The Met
From An Ecstasy-Lover's Guide to New York City
Tourist #1: Guys... The floor is sparkling!
Tourist #2: Ooooooooooh!!!
--Times Square
*Raises Hand*
Customer: Yeah, can I get one for the movie where the girl's vagina has teeth?
Box office cashier: Sorry, sir, this show's sold out. The next one's at 8:25.
Customer: Sold out? How many people actually want to see a movie where a girl's vagina has teeth?
--City Cinemas, 12th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
I Particularly Like the One in Which Sigmund Freud Defeated the Three-Headed Dog
College girl #1: If you believe in any god, you should really resepct all other religions, like mythology gods and shit too!
College girl #2: Who can believe mythology?! That stuff was written like, a hundred years ago!
--TGI Fridays, Times Square
Overheard by: m spot
He's Willem Dafoe Scary
Girl #1, about a professor: Is he scary?
Girl #2: Yeah, but I can totally see myself making out with him.
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: bling bling
So...Irish?
Respectably sober hipster: So, I'm interested, what is your ethnicity?
Inebriated Asian girl: Actually, I'm drunk!
--The Levee, N3 & Berry
Overheard by: zp
"Two Girls, One Envelope" Debuts on YouTube
Girl #1: So, we left the bar in a taxi and I had to go to the bathroom real bad.
Girl #2: What did you do?
Girl #1: There was an envelope in the cab, so I used it. Yes that was the time I pooped in an envelope in a taxi!
--2nd Ave Bus
No Alien Abductions for Me, Thank You
Eight-year old #1: Did you know that when you turn 40 they stick gel up your butt?
Eight-year old #2: No way! Gross!
--R Train
We're Just Thankful It Wasn't Another Auschwitz Joke
Douchebag trying to get on an over-crowded train: Move in!
Annoyed lady: There's no more room!
Glib red-headed chick: It's a subway, not a clown car!
--4 Train
I Bet She Had Some 'Splaining to Do
Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he'd been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That's hilarious!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Headline by: Mikey G.
Runners-Up:
· "And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!" - JesusFreak
· "And She Didn't Check the Psycho Box on Match.com" - digruntled internet dater
· "He Didn't Like His Anal Rape-Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either..." - Beartram
· "I Bet the "Just Kidding Your Place Wasn't Robbed Sex" Was Awesome, Too." - anonmouse
· "Turns Out There's No Spot For "Masculinity" on Insurance Claim Forms" - Jamie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Play Boggle 'Til at Least Ten O'Clock!
Tourist #1: Last night I wasn't really wild. I really want to be wild tonight.
Tourist #2: Last night you weren't wild? I would actually be a little scared to see you go really wild, then.
Tourist #1: Well tonight I'm going to be really crazy. Tonight I'm going to wear my yellow dress!
--Eugene O'Neill Theatre
Wasn't There Some Kind Of Angel with a Turkey Baster?
Teen girl: You know what I don't get?
Preppy friend: What?
Teen girl: If Mary was a virgin, how did she get pregnant?
Preppy friend: Uh...I think a white dove came down and landed on her.
Teen girl: ... And where did it land?
Preppy friend: On her shoulder.
Teen girl: So a dove--
Preppy friend: A white dove. Impregnated mary on her shoulder. Yeah.
Teen girl: Who told you that?
Preppy friend: Sara, in Geometry.
Teen girl: ... Sara is Jewish, you idiot!
--McDonald's, Park Ave
I Love Musical Chairs!
Teenager #1: Yo, we gotta do that thang again.
Teenager #2: What thing?
Teenager #1: Yo remember that time we was with Angie, me and you?
Teenager #2: Oh yeah son, that was crazy.
Teenager #1: Yeah, I felt your dick on my butt, son!
--B60 Bus
So, Partial Credit
Professor: So your answer is "Yes"?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Ok. Well, let me tell you that the shorter and more accurate answer is "No".
--Vanderbilt Hall, NYU
Overheard by: don cheetah
But My Skin Is Dry Today
Hipster chick: Oh! Thanks for carrying my bag!
Hipster guy: No problem. I'll just masturbate on your face later.
Hipster chick, laughing: Well, I didn't want to say it in public...
--Deli, 9th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: didn't want to know that
I Think I Love You
Woman: Hey! Hey! I know who started the fight! You wanna know?!
Cop: Yeah, sure.
Woman: Actually, I don't know. Hahaha. I'm going home right now to watch porn, I don't even care! Haha.
Cop: Wow.
--Broad and Bay, Staten Island
Overheard by: Brandi
Someone Who's Willing to Go Beyond "It's Complicated"
NYU girl to friend: So then he like bitched me out, hardcore, in a text. And he didn't talk to me for like a day so I was just like, "Ugh, whatever." But then he ended our relationship on facebook! And I was just like, "Oh my god!" I need someone who's mature, y'know?
Friend: Oh... Yeah. Totally.
--NYU
Overheard by: Clook
Did I Get the Job, at Least?
Chick: My tongue was in somebody's ass? Whose ass?
Dude: I dunno. That's just what they said...
--92nd & 3rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: BillyBlog
I Think I Need to Sit Down
Suit #1: I once saw a midget with a mullet at the Kentucky Derby.
Suit #2: Wow.
--24th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: ty
And Take Off Those Pleather Jackets --You're Embarassing Me
Little girl: Daddy, what's that building?
Harried dad: The Goldman-Sachs building, I think, in Jersey City.
Little boy: What town is that on top of the hill?
Harried dad: Union city.
Little girl: What are they building there?
Harried dad: Condos. Jesus, will you two turn around? I didn't pay $45 for you to look at New Jersey.
--NY Waterway Ferry
Overheard by: Atlantic13
You Know Those Girls Who Just Make Shit Up About People?
Young girl playing with blocks at a doctor's waiting room: And my teacher is mad gay. Mad gay.
Mother: Why do you say that?
Young girl: He just is. And like, whatever. I don't care about gay people, but like I don't want a gay teacher. And what's even worse: He's a virgin.
Mother: Lot's of people are virgins, sweetie.
Young girl: Whatever, that's just pathetic.
--Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn
You Want to Run Into Joey from Blossom?
Girl: So, what do you want to do?
Tourist guy: I want to meet a famous person!
Guy: I'm sure we can get some tickets to MTV or something.
Tourist guy: No, I wanna see them on the street and be like "Hey. You!" and have them turn around and be like "*gasp* Woah" and I'd be like "Woah".
--1 Train
Overheard by: teehee
Another Fucking Book-Reader
Professor #1: Some fucking student requested we read the book in the class.
Professor #2: That's mad twisted, yo.
--Barnes & Noble, Court and Schermerhorn, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
They Might Accidentally See Their Reflection
Skeevy vendor to girl purchasing sunglasses: Here, I polish for you.
Girl: Oh, thank you.
Skeevy vendor: You pretty girl. I polish for you. For ugly girls -never.
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: Mariah
Dear Mr. Warming, I Believe in You. Love, Amy
Six-year-old girl #1: I'm going to write them a very stern letter about this!
Six-year-old girl #2: Who?
Six-year-old girl #1: Global warming!
Six-year-old girl #2: Global warming's not a person, fart-face.
--Court & Degraw St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Global Warming, the person
Not If She Fakes Orgasm --Then It's Performance Art
NJ guy #1: So right after I left my parents house I met up with the hooker, best use of birthday money ever.
NJ guy #2: But you're underage, that's like illegal!
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Stewart Lane
No, Ma'am, It Certainly Is Not
5th grader on school trip on train: I wanna sit down!
Teacher, in southern accent: Well I want a small ass but thats not happening either now is it?!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Brandon E.
Isn't There a Talking Donkey in the Hebrew Bible?
Teen boy: Is that a Jewish thing?
Man: No, it's from Shrek.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Okay, the KY Bottle in Its Beak Is Suspicious
Chick in passenger's seat: Is that a bird?
Boyfriend: Sounds like it's fucking!
Chick: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
--Toll Booth, Henry Hudson Bridge
Overheard by: bridgemaster
Finally My Friendship with You Begins to Pay Off
Skinny girl: I ate the whole bag.
Fat girl: I know.
Skinny girl: But, like... The whole bag.
Fat girl: I know... If it makes you feel any better, I had fried chicken wings and chocolate cake on Friday.
Skinny girl: ... Yeah, that does make me feel better.
--Pratt Institute
Those Numbered Signs Are So Slimming
Hipster guy: Have you ever been arrested?
Hipster girl: Yeah, when I was sixteen my friend and I got arrested for shoplifting. It really wasn't that bad. The cops were super cool and we were all joking around and shit and our mugshots were actually pretty cute.
--HopScotch Cafe
Not Even Lesbian Cows?
Schoolgirl #1: She just kept going on about chewing cunts in class.
Schoolgirl #2: Cud, you dumbass! Cows don't chew cunt.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Manic Mouse
Yeah, You're Right --Probably Too Controversial
Young Guy, trying to hit on a girl: I've been thinking about starting a blog.
Girl: [silence.]
Young Guy: You know, if I were to start a blog, I'd make it about t-shirts.
Girl: [silence.]
--Magnetic Field (Bar) on Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Because That Works Out So Well in Every Movie You've Seen?
Front seat passenger: ... So, after I was halfway over the fence, I realized that was a bad idea.
Driver: Well, what can you do?
Front seat passenger: Really, I should have just slept in the cemetery. I should have done that.
--S76 Bus
Overheard by: Dying to ask
And I Love You, Horns and All
Guy: I am really excited about our trip to Germany in the summer. We have to make sure to stop in Frankfurt to meet my family.
Girl: I am kind of nervous about meeting your grandfather since your mom said he was a Nazi and I am Jewish.
Guy: My grandfather is just a mild Nazi. He only believes in the conspiracy theories about Jews.
Girl: Well, I don't care that your grandfather's a Nazi. I love you.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Cannelle
Harriet Found That Acting Crazy Got Her to the Front of the Line More Quickly
Woman: I'm getting married.
Man she just met: Oh, congratulations! When is the wedding?
Woman: When I find a man who wants to marry me.
--DMV License Xpress, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Irritated Eavesdropper
If Only Israelis and Palestinians Had a Common Football Team to Get Behind
Conductor over loudspeaker: Our next stop will be New York Penn Station, please make sure you have all your personal belongings when leaving this train... And for all you football fans out there, Giants just fucking won! Everyone can put their feet on the seats, we're celebratin' tonight!
Passengers: Yeah!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Worse and Worse, Dude
Father yelling at his drunk son: Hey! Don't lick my damn ciggarettes!
Son: I lick whatever I fucking want!
Father: I'll lick your fucking ass! [People turn their heads] ...What, he's my fucking son!
--East Village
I'm Just Seeing How Many Times I Can Say "Pussylips" in One Day
Roommate #1: Y'all need to cover up 'cause I can see your pussylips and that's just not appropriate.
Roommate #2: Really?
Roommate #1: No.
--Pratt Institute
Eh, the Japanese Are the White People of Asia
Asian girl: Let's get sushi.
Asian guy: I don't like sushi.
Asian girl: You don't like sushi? What kind of Asian are you?
Asian guy: Chinese.
Asian girl: But there's even white people who like sushi!
--NYU
Overheard by: I like sushi
Crayon Man Has Very Well-Drawn Eyes
Girl: I met this really hawt guy last night.
Freind: Really? What did he look like?
Girl: He was like kinda shortish but not really, and his eyes were like... Wow! And his skin was like really flesh colored.
Freind: Oh my gawd! I think I know him!
--Brodway & Wall Street
Relax-- It's About Sour Cream
Punk #1, singing: What would you do with a dollop? A dollop? A -
Punk #2: Stop singing that shit!
--Washington Square Park
God, You're the Wimpiest Kidnapper Ever!
Five-year-old boy: I want a spoon of peanut butter for breakfast!
Dad: Are you allowed to eat that for breakfast? I'm not sure, let's call your mom.
Five-year-old boy: You're an adult, you can make those decisions.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Cecilia
Now That's Comedy
Tourist to comedy show hawker: Knock-knock.
Comedy show hawker: Um... Who's there?
Tourist: I hate comedy. [He walks away.]
--Times Square
PETA Filed a Friend-of-the-Court Brief, to No Avail
Guy: How was the weekend? Were the kids well-behaved?
Woman: It was fine, they were great.
Guy: How was Max at night? He sometimes gets lonely and starts crying.
Woman: Hmm, I don't know. I locked them out of my room.
Guy, yelling: You what?!? How could you? You know how they are at night!
[pause.]
Woman, unruffled: They are pets. Not kids. Pets. And I don't sleep with dogs that weigh more than I do.
--Starbucks, 20th St & 6th Ave
Sometimes the People at Serta Let Me Crash in Their Showroom
Barely legal girl: Can we do brunch tomorrow?
Guy: Sure.
Barely legal girl: Good. I like having Saturday plans. I get sad on weekends if I don't wake up in someone else's bed or have plans.
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: Bar Keep
The Yanks Expect That Sort of Thing from Us
British guy: Hey, look, an eye patch. This will look great with my smoking jacket.
British girl: What costume will that be?
British guy: Costume? I just think it will look good.
--Party City, Union Square
Overheard by: Charlie
We Didn't Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?
Daughter, looking at "NJ Transit" sign: Why does it say we're in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren't we?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jay
We Didn't Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?
Daughter, looking at "NJ Transit" sign: Why does it say we're in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren't we?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jay
Oh, Madam, I'm Blushing
Woman: So what do you do?
Man, trying to pick her up: I work for FedEx and do construction on the weekends, that why I'm so jacked.
Woman: Oh you're so smooth, I thought you were a drug dealer.
--34th St & 9th Ave
I Can't Change That, So I'm Getting Braces
20-something woman #1: Why don't boys like me? Because of my snaggle-tooth?
20-something woman #2: No. Because you're obsessed with The Snorks.
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Justin Casement
And Are You Pregnant? I Rest My Case.
Bearded man: To save time, you should pour your apple juice in with your tea, to make apple-tea.
Unbearded man: That's crazy talk.
Bearded man: Well, you're the one who suggested I go on the pill.
--Diner, 59th & 7th
They Were a Little Down Around the Holidays, But Isn't Everyone?
Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.
--Metro North
Overheard by: jessie
Everyone Can See and Hear Tila Tequila
Large drunk tattooed man: So wha's your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes ...
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you're manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I'm schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don't take 'em, but I get 'em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument ...
--G Train
Overheard by: I really WOULDN'T argue such a point
Well, It Was Pretty Straight
Lesbian #1: She was straight!
Lesbian #2: If she straps it on the first time you have sex, she's not straight!
--House Party, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
...And Sell It on eBay!
Mother to six-year-old girl: Tomorrow we're going to the doctor's office, then to the dentist...
Six-year-old, whispering: Mmommy, I don't want to go. [louder] They take my my blood. My blood!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Garrett
Sparkly Decorations Are Unequivocably Straight Fare
Dad: Hey kids, let's stop and take a picture with the famous tree, you've never done that before.
Kid #1: [looking up]... Eh, no thanks, dad.
Kid #2: Yeah dad, we're good.
Dad: ... You kids are gay.
--Rock Center
If Everybody's Wearing Pants and Nobody Takes Your Wallet, It's a Successful Commute
Crazy hobo, dancing and singing as he walks down the aisle: Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh... Yeahhh yeahhh yeahhh. And now for my grand finale! [pulls emergency break and exits car.]
Angry woman: Oh, hell no. He did not just do that. I knew he was gonna to do that shit.
Friend: Why didn't you trip him or somethin'?
Angry woman: Are you fuckin' kidding me? And get beat up by a crazy? Did ya'll see that?!
Young woman: Fuck my life.
--D Train
Overheard by: KK
George Washington Said Something about My Momma
Cashier: That comes out to $5.50.
[Man hands cashier a $5 with a hole in it.]
Cashier: Uh, do you have anything better? You know without a hole in it?
Man: Naw, I got mad at it so I shot it.
Cashier: Ah, totally understandable.
--McDonald's, Bronx
I Just Respect Her Power
Young suit #1: Dude, you're not even seeing her, so why does it matter what kind of underwear you wear?
Young suit #2: If I'm not wearing the right underwear she yells at me in front of the whole office...
--74th & Amsterdam
Just Watched Her Self-Destruct Over Webcam
Dude: You should've seen how pissed she was when I finally told her that I lied and wasn't really gay.
Girl: You should've removed all the knives, pills and nooses from the house after that one.
Dude: I'm not stupid: I didn't tell her in person!
--29th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses
Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!
--W. 59th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Alexandra
Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie's dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie's dick last night, you blow job!
--Brooklyn
20 something blonde on cell: ... Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it's different every time, like it almost disappears... Then another time its all swinging and shit... Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when ... [Mumbles.]
--LIRR
Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!
--Chelsea
Gay guy, to his friend: I mean...I may suck dick but at least I don't take it up the ass.
--16th & 9th
Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don't know how to get his attention.
--A Train
Overheard by: Why MoMa?
Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities
Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It's just very New York, you know?
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate
White Girl: I'm leaving this city, it's all just bed bugs and bad drugs.
--Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Zach
Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk... In DC, you don't.
--1 Train
Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".
--49th & 1st
Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can't handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]
--42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Bunk Moreland
Wednesday One-Liners Have Never Been Married... Just Sayin'
Old queer: You won't believe your eyes in Plainfield. There's not one heterosexual in Plainfield.
--75th & Columbus
Amazed nerd teen: They did this study on women who are ovulating, and even in gay bars when they're ovulating they get way more dick.
--S'nice Coffee Bar, 14th St & 8th Ave
Big black girl: So being gay, when a straight person says, "You can stay over with me, but I'm not inviting you to touch me..." No, girl! You *are* inviting me to touch you.
--C Train
Overheard by: Lemuel
Random guy in stall next me: It's a cluster fuck... Out there, not here, you don't think I'm gay, do you?
--JFK Bathroom
Guy with to few friends: I'm the most homophobic gay man ever.
--Staten Island Perkins Diner
IT manager: Do you know how long ago 1984 was? I was straight!
--915 Broadway, Manhattan
Overheard by: Sarah
Girls Just Wanna Have Wednesday One-Liners
Six-year-old girl, after careful consideration: Oh, well. That's Ok. A baby is almost as much fun as a trampoline.
--Sidewalk Cafe
Guy to friend at 1 AM on a Thursday: Hey, I have an idea -let's talk about how Dan fucked my ex-girlfriend! That'll be fun, that's a good story!
--PATH Train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Katie
Cali girl, to her roommate: We need to be more like coke whores but, like, without the coke, and not the whore part, but just like, opulent and fun.
--133rd & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Nathalie
Guy on cell: But, mother, maybe she wants to have fun for a couple of years before she becomes a nun.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Killer
20-something woman on cell: When I left my mom just now she said, 'Have fun gay-tripping in California.' Uhmmmmm?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McF
Middle aged babysitter corralling flock of young children down the street: This should be fun... How come it isn't? Anybody got any ideas?
--18th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Dave
Wednesday One-Liners' Eyes Are Bigger Than Their Stomachs
20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?
--Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don't do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?
--St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam
Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I'm not. I'm a human.
--B Train
Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake
Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain't gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.
--Union Square Whole Foods
Clueless suit on cell: I'm just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don't know. Ok, so ice cream -that's perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn't perishable either... Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?
--E 60th St
Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can't eat spaghetti-o's anymore!
--E 13th St & 1st Ave
Grey's Wednesday One-Liners
Girl talking to another girl: I like rectal physiology.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: no need to take her to a movie
Fireman, mocking drunk voice and crazy walking: Where are my kneecaps? Has anyone seen my kneecaps? Where the hell did my kneecaps go?
--Times Square
Overheard by: jacki
Man on street talking seriously to friend: And then the lady's head fell into the toilet bowl.
--White St & W. Broadway
Overheard by: I would have loved to hear the ending of this story..
Guy: It would be better if we could see our own bodies cut up, all laid out on front of us like this!
--Entering the Bodies Exhibition, South Street Seaport
Girl in train: It's so cold that my ears are freezing their asses off!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Not High, Kumar
Woman at next table: Well, I only get cold sores on my nose.
--The Mermaid Inn, 2nd Ave & 5th
Goin' to the Chapel and We're Gonna Get Wednesday One-Liners
Big bald guy: No, no, you don't have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.
--Office Building, Hudson St
Guy: I took your advice, bro. I'm gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But... I gotta get drunk first.
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: erin
Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won't sign the pre-nup and then you'll be free.
--Wall Street
Black chick: No! No! Ain't no one gettin' lynched at my wedding!
--Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway
Overheard by: off white
Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that's the way he saves the marriage... Otherwise it's "Mommy, I don't feel well' and 'Mommy, may I be excused from the table."
--23rd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me... Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!
--Penn Station
Hot Wednesday-on-Wednesday One-Liners
Random guy, singing loudly: Leeeesbian seagull!
--South Street Sea Port
Overheard by: Ger-Man in New York
Thug: Shit! I have to get my teacher a present. Its so hard. She's like butch... You know what I'm saying? Shes got short hair and don't wear earrings -like that chick [points to a woman who can obviously hear the conversation and looks affronted.] Yeah lady, you like the pussy!
--F Train
Drunk girl: You wanna know why I'm a lesbian? When I was crawling out of my mothers vagina I tasted that shit. And that shit was good. I just had to keep going back for more.
--Odessa's, Ave A
Overheard by: Dannia Alfonso
Hardcore lesbian tourist #1 to hardcore lesbian tourist #2: Hey! Beaver Street! Let's eat down there.
--Beaver St , Hanover Square
Overheard by: WallStGuy
Black teen punk girl, arguing with boyfriend: No, I'm gonna go become a lesbian now. Big. Huge. Les. Bo.
--V Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Buff guy: But now they'll know I'm a lesbian.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Colleen
Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass "Go"; Do Not Collect $200
Guy: I don't think you're supposed to like being incarcerated.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: mkb
Middle-aged man on phone: I'm telling you, if I turn myself in now I won't be in court for six months.
--50th & 8th
Grungy guy to his friend: ...Dude, you have no idea how many times I've been in this courthouse...
--Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse
Overheard by: Julian
Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.
--JFK Airport
Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!
--Port Authority Women's Bathroom
Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone
Cashier on phone: No, you don't understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail... No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time...[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?
--Harlem U-Haul
Art for Wednesday One-Liner's Sake
Woman at bar to her friend: Ok, I know I'm an art dealer, but I'm like, the least bourgeois person I know.
--Smith & Mills (restaurant in Tribeca)
Overheard by: the lerpa
Little boy to friends: There are are four really big, important artists: Monet, Van Gogh, Renoir and... Pistachio.
--Impressionism Room, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: I love Pistachio's green period
Young girl: These paintings smell nice and fresh!
--The Met
Angry white suburban artist to Jews for Jesus: Stop talking! You are pushing this on me without me asking -that makes you a cult. Go away. We don't like your kind here -we are all white suburban artists.
--Morgan L Stop on Bogart
Overheard by: not a hipster
Gangsta: Dali? Ain't he like, Picasso or some shit?
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Remember This Tomorrow
Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don't get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].
--Metro North
Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it's killing my ovaries!
--A Train
Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!
--A Train
Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest...
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!
--Madison Square Garden Bathroom
Wednesday One-Liners Make "Unsafe Requests"
Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!... Make the White House the whorehouse!
--Battery Park
NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn't say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing... And now I'm a little worried.
--NYU Bus
AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer's picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can't get a raise!
--Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park
Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don't even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer's in ten minutes!
--43rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Dan J
Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!
--Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City
What Happens If You Don't Hang Your Food from a Tree
British guy: Why is Sam having such a vagina attack?
Chick: I just saw her.
British guy: Did she look like she was having a vagina attack?
--St. John's University
How Susie Learned to Speak in Vague Hypotheticals
Seven-year-old girl: Daddy! You wanna hear a secret?!
Dad: Sure, but remember honey: I'm a social worker so if this is a secret about you hurting yourself or others I have to report it.
Seven-year-old girl: ... Never mind.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Jessica
I Didn't Ask for Facts, Either
Guy who just managed to squeeze onto the train: There no room here.
Girl trying to get on the train: I didn't ask for no attitude.
Guy: You're too fat.
--1 Train
Overheard by: DL
What Do You Know About Superstring Theory?
Woman #1: You know, when I remember my childhood, I realize that my family was really complicated; my father and uncle were always fighting... Actually, my uncle tried to shoot my father once -
Woman #2: Wait, what?
Woman #1: Listen, that's not the complicated part.
--Westside Brewery, Upper West Side
Overheard by: vitupera
...And He Keeps Tripping Over the Hems
Middle-aged white guy: ... Yeah, well, Stan hurt himself.
Younger black guy: Well, he be wearin dresses and shit...
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Ruru
If Ned Flanders Had Sired a Girl
Dad: So, your school called today, honey, and do you know what they said?
Six-year-old girl: No, what?
Dad: That they have to check everyone in your class tomorrow for lice!
Six-year-old girl: Hoorayyyyyy!!
--West 4th St Platform
Overheard by: Jess
Pop Quiz: What's the Scariest Thing About This Conversation?
Girl #1: Wow, The Ring and The Grudge were like the scariest movies!
Girl #2: Yeah, I know!
Girl #1: Japanese people are good at scary movies like that. I wonder why?
Girl #2: Probably because of Vietnam.
--NYU
Overheard by: k
That Cat's Gonna Get a Good Talking-to When I Get Home
Girl #1: He says he's not hitting on me. I want to believe him.
Girl #2: Honey, if he licks the back of your neck so that you shiver, he's hitting on you.
Girl #1: That's a good point.
--E 64th St
Overheard by: interested...