Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
May 2008 Archives
40's of Old English?
Chick #1: I'm nostalgic for the '40s.
Chick #2: You can't be nostalgic for an era you never lived through.
Chick #1: Fine. Then I long for the '40s to the very depth of my soul.
Chick #2: From your loins?
Chick #1: Yes. My loins... They long for the '40s.
--Herald Square
Wasn't "Jesus" His Stage Name, Anyway?
Girl #1: She asked us once if Jesus had a last name.
Girl #2: Oh. [Pauses.] Wait, I know this one.
--Penn Station
Yet I'm Oddly Hungry
Woman in elevator: So then he just bit off the hamster's head.
Man in elevator: That's gross.
Woman in elevator: I'm telling you. That's what happens when you don't feed babies. They just bite off hamsters' heads and eat them. It's disgusting.
Man just entering elevator: This is so disturbing.
--Elevator, Ripley-Ggrier Studios
Overheard by: a poor victim of this conversation
Better Not Make Her My Happy Place
Girl yuppie: Isn't it crazy how rapidly presidents age over eight years?
Guy yuppie: Oh I know, all the stress.
Girl yuppie: If Hil wins president, she's gonna be a hot mess.
Guy yuppie: She'll look like Margaret Thatcher after three months!
--Metro North
Overheard by: Sromeo
At the Rationalization Quarterfinals
Insurance guy #1: Man, I love this weather!
Insurance guy #2: Yeah, I love global warming... That's why I drive an SUV. We're tropical animals, we're supposed to be in tropical weather!
--25th St & Madison Ave
Exactly.
Four-year-old girl, jubilantly: The letter y!
Father: Z.
Four-year-old girl: Good-bye.
Father: Four.
Four-year-old girl: What?
Father: Yes.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Christin
I Save That Kind Of Talk for Our Appointments with Mistress Stephanie
[A couple are looking in the mirror.]
Man: Why don't you ever say anything when my glasses are all wonky?
Woman: Say anything?
Man: Yeah, like you wonky cunt.
--Bloomingdale's, 3rd Ave
Would Also Help Solve the Problem of What to Put in My Video-Will
Old man: By this time of day, my left buttcheek always starts hurting! Not the right one, just the left one. In the morning I feel fine, but by the afternoon... It hurts!
Old lady: I don't know what to tell you, Earl. Maybe you need to shake it more.
--Bay Terrace
Overheard by: Sov
The Day Dad Realized Kids Don't Get Sarcasm
Little boy holding a box of cupcakes: Dad, I need money.
Dad: Just run.
--Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Mike
Is This the One Where She Wears a Hat Made of Fruit?
[Just before the curtain rises on the opera Carmen.]
Guy: Do you know the show?
Girl: Uh-uh.
Guy: It's sooo sad. Like Rent.
Girl: Oooh. Wow.
--The Met
...5, 6, 7, 8...!
Red-faced toddler in stroller: Nooooo!
Dad: Once more, with feeling!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Jamie
Don't Even Try a Body Shot With Them
Girl one: I hate going to a bar with pregnant girls, it's so boring.
Girl two: Yeah.
Gorl one: It's even worse when you go with pregnant girls that drink.
--Rockefeller Center
Way More Lifelike Than the Actual Elizabeth
Little girl, pointing at Andy Warhol portrait of Marilyn Monroe: Mommy, who's that lady?
Mom: That's Elizabeth Taylor, honey.
Little girl: Oh, hello, Elizabeth.
--The Moderne Hotel, 55th & Broadway
Dr. Obvious Seizes Any Chance to Demonstrate Her Expertise
Four-year-old cute tourist girl: Mommy, people are different in New York!
Tourist mom: They're all fuckin' crazy.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Natasha G
So Beautiful, So Incomprehensible
Sober Londoner: Did you just have a civilized conversation?
Very drunk Londoner: No, I was talking to some Australian girl.
--Eight Mile Creek
Overheard by: Adam Scholem
Could You Call Ahead to the Pro-Choicers on 6th?
Environmentalist giving out fliers: Excuse me sir, do you care about helping our environment?
Man: Oh no thank you, I'm a Republican.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Dave
So It's Guaranteed You'll Fall Asleep Right Afterwards
Hipster guy trying to make out with hipster girl: Come on baby, I swear I'm not drunk.
Exasperated hipster girl: Oh my god, I didn't say you're drunk, I said you have mono.
--Friday Night Bar Crawl, West 4th St
I Worried She'd Never Develop Man-Boobs
Male professor #1: Your daughter is starting to look like you.
Male professor #2: That's comforting.
--NYU
Overheard by: ann
We'll Never Understand the Stay Puf't Marshmallow Man's Appeal
Teenybopper twelve-year-old #1: He was cute and all, but not oozing or anything.
Teenybopper twelve-year-old #2: Oh no honey, he was definitely oozing. He was hot.
--R Train
Overheard by: Fareesa
Well We Do Have to Determine There Was No Foul Play
PetCo employee: If your goldfish dies within the first fifteen days, you can return it for a full refund.
Customer: Do I bring back the corpse?
--Union Square PetCo
Overheard by: Jenny
More Legal Troubles for Zsa Zsa Gabor
Woman: So... After she took the banana, the monkey just up and slapped her! Can you believe that?
Man: What did she do?
Woman: What do you think she did? She slapped that bitch right back!
--JFK Airport
What Self-Respecting New Yorker Can't Distinguish Between a Pothead and a Crackhead?
White trash girl, looking out of bus window: Look at Ed*. He looks like a fucking lumberjack. He needs a shave.
White trash guy: That Ed* -he's a fucking crackhead.
White trash girl: I thought he smoked pot?
White trash guy: Crack, pot -what's the difference?
Hipster guy sitting behind them: Excuse me, I'm Ed*'s best friend. He's definitely a pothead. He never does crack. But he does look like a lumberjack.
--Q54 Bus
No Way You're Getting All Ten McNuggets in There
[In the next stall.]
Chick #1: I can't get it in it! It hurts!
Chick #2: Lift up your leg and try again!
Chick #1: Dude! It's not gonna fit! It hurts too much!
Chick #2: Here, let's try the third one.
--McDonald's Restroom
Overheard by: Slowly walking out the door
Is That Any Creepier Than a Store with a Hair Salon for Dolls?
Child with doll in tow: Mommy, I really want Mia.
Park avenue mom #1: Well, maybe. Wouldn't it be cool if they just sold the heads?
Park Avenue mom #2, poking head out of stall: What?
Park Avenue mom #1: Like, if they just sold Julie's head, or Addy's head?
--American Girl Store Bathroom
Overheard by: Layla
And the Ensuing Blowjob Happened Organically
Guy #1: My friend hit my balls so I tackled him to the ground and grabbed his nuts. That's not gay, right?
Guy #2: No, he hit you first.
Guy #1: I mean, it's not like I was crushing grapes or anything, he hit me in the nuts! What was I supposed to do!?
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: totallynotgay
And I Don't Think That Accurately Describes Blinking
Girl #1: He really said that, "making gravy"?
Girl #2: Yeah! About a bodily function!
--Union Square
I Grudgingly Obey the Laws of This Godless Democracy
Middle East man, exiting his vendor cart: But I miss you!
Retreating American woman: You have, like, five wives and three girlfriends.
Middle East man: No! I do not!
--13th & 5th
Overheard by: Colleen
This Just Prepares Them For Wives of Their Own
Mother, to her kids: Now here's what you do -you go into the store, give the receipt to the cashier, and buy something else.
[Kids leave.]
Mother, to herself: You are not getting me a mop for mother's day, no sir.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: J.R.
And That's Why He's Homeless
Bum: Give me a dollar!
Guy: I'll give you two dollars!
Bum: Give me a dollar.
Guy: I'll give you two dollars!
Bum: You'll give me two dollars?
Guy: On Friday.
Bum: No. Give me a dollar.
Guy: Hey, I'll give you five dollars on Friday if you give me a dollar right now.
Bum: You want me to give you money?
Guy: A dollar. Right now. For five on Friday.
[Bum walks away.]
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Andy
And to Have One's Reese's Eaten
Girl #1: So after all that, can' t you understand why I'm pretty much a full-fledged lesbian now?
Girl #2: In a way, but I think you could still be into guys. I have a hard time believing you don't have feelings for Jarrod.
Girl #1: No, I really don't. That's done.
Girl #2: I totally support you. I just think, you know, there's more than one way to eat a Reese's.
Girl #1: Exactly.
--Metro North
Overheard by: ianbobian
John Goodman Would Retaliate Later in Life
Little boy: I want a Cinnabon for breakfast!
Dour mom: Now, Matthew, let me ask you a question. How many grams of sugar does a Cinnabon have?
Little boy, dejectedly: Seven.
Dour mom: And how many grams of sugar are you allowed to eat at breakfast?
Little boy: Fiiiive.
Dour mom: Well then, don't you think... [they go out of hearing range]
--5 Train
Overheard by: Jonathan Harford
Where Menstruating Openly on Subway Platforms Is the Final Taboo
Man: [Really disgusting burp.]
Friend: That's gross.
Man: That's not gross. You eat, you shit, you burp, you fart. Welcome to New York, ladies.
--Shop, Chinatown
Now Cover Your Eyes While I Disintegrate That Nice Waitress
Little boy: But how do I know you're not part of the Martian menace?
Dad, deadpan: You don't.
--110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Alexandra
Michelangelo Always Was Too Sensitive About David.
Guy #1: Oh yeah, let's all take a picture of the big fucking stone thing because it's really old!
Arsty guy: Shut up, asshole.
--the met
Headline by: Eddie
Runners-Up:
· "Geologically Speaking, It's a Young Fucking Stone Thing." - Peter Manther
· "Hmmm, Maybe I Shouldn't Have Stabbed My Etiquette Coach" - Jimmy
· "Mick Visits the Met" - bb
· "No One Likes Sightseeing With Frank Gehry Anymore" - Jeff`
· "She Was Awesome in Basic Instinct" - Craig should be working
· "Why Flashes Are Not Allowed at Rolling Acres Assisted Living." - Karl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is That Still the Default Setting for Girls?
Stressed guy: But what are you going to do with no hair?!
Stressed girl: I don't know... Have a baby?
--L Train
Overheard by: Karen
Is This Your Vast Feminist Conspiracy Theory Again?
Emotional suit: My shrink said I'm dragging my feet to test my wife.
Supportive suit: He could be right.
Emotional suit: No, it's a woman.
Supportive suit: Oh no! She is manipulating your ass.
--3 Train
Overheard by: EmLo
You're Not a Real New Yorker 'Til You've Been Reprimanded by a Tranny
Toddler, screaming: Eeeeeeaaaaaeeeeeeaaaaeeeeeeee.
Tranny woman: Oh my gawd, you so need to win American Idol!
Toddler: ...
--F Train
Overheard by: Faye
Wednesday One-Liners for Uncle Walter
High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.
--Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
13-year-old: I mean, he's not a pedophile, he's just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelly
Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it's fine. Fifteen is legal there.
--36th St & Fifth Ave
Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that's a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman's body.
--Prem-On Thai
Overheard by: office peon
Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth... Except for that kindergarten I'm not allowed to go back to anymore.
--McSorley's, 7th & 3rd
Overheard by: I'll drink to that!
Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: that'swhathesaid
Not That There's Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners
Dude on cell: I'm okay with it. As long as nobody slaps me or calls me gay or spits on me. Those are my three things. As long as nobody does those three things.
--21st St & 8th Ave
Asian girl: You gave me the gay!
--C Train
Overheard by: Jordan
Female cop to male cop: You a queer? For real, you queer? You a queer? You a queer? Oh, I didn't know that. Okay. [Nods.]
--C Train
Barnard girl to friends: I don't think he's gay, I just think he has problems having sex with women.
--Columbia University Steps
Overheard by: John Jay
Man to friend: See, I told you this was a gay neighborhood, look at all the women!
--Montague Street, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: glekapolis
Loudly homophobic guy: Gay! Gay! My ass hurts from watching that preview!
--AMC Theater, Times Square
Overheard by: Lo
At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Young to Drive
Seven-year-old boy to friend: What are you, drunk or something?
--Union Square
Ten-year-old boy to mom: Let's get drunk! [Starts dancing.]
--W 45th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Dad to three-year-old: Well, I don't know, will you buy me a beer?
--79th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: s h
[Tiny boy is making weird faces at the window.]
Sister: Mommy, I think he's drunk.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Becca
Trashy Boston girl: I love little children. They are like little drunk real people. Except that one, because she's foreign.
--Madison Square Garden
Wednesday One-Liners from H-E Double Hockey Sticks
Guy looking at books, to no one in particular: I don't want to hear or see anything about the devil, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: 153
Guy hawking pamphlets: How to sucker punch the devil right in the ass!
--W 12th & Brodway
Overheard by: Why didn't I get that pamphlet?!
Coworker about colleague: Every time he comes by here the number 666 comes up.
--1250 Broadway
Punk kid, walking past a group of nuns: Hail Satan!
--Waverly & Greene
Professor: I don't want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I'll meet interesting people there!
--Cooper Union, Astor Place
Overheard by: Hopefully not me!
Crazy older lady screaming on cell: You what? You are buying soda? You are going to go to fucking hell! Don't you remember the promise you made to god? You're probably standing in line with some goddamn candy too. You are going to hell!
--W Train
Overheard by: DR G LUV
Sliding Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Person in the back of the train, step out into the train. Step into the train! Excuse me, in the back with the grey shirt, step into the train. Yes you! I'm looking right at you! Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, we're being held in the station because someone in the back of the train wearing a grey shirt is blocking the doors.
--B Train
Conductor [as passengers keep blocking the subway doors from closing]: You're invited!
--1 Train
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. [Alert signal, doors re-open.] Goddamit! There's always someone... Isn't there?
--R Train
Conductor, in completely empty train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you get to the train and it is full, don't try to force your way in. Don't block the way of the door closing either. I don't want any body parts obstructing them. Also, if you get to the train as the doors are closing, don't try to pry them back open. Don't try sticking your arms in between them either. Very bad idea. Just stand on the platform, wave, and say: "Bye bye, train".
--A Train
Snarky train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It's very simple: We open the doors, you get on, we close the doors. If you are going to walk past two or three doors trying to find a car or space that you like, don't be surprised if the doors close on you before you can get on. We are not mind-readers.
--B Train
Conductor, to guy holding train doors for his girlfriend: Sir, please let the doors close, we can't wait for your girlfriend. [Some time passes.] Sir, you are young and not unattractive, I am sure you can find someone else to sleep with you on the train.
--L Train
Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?
Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren't enough women there, so we threw in a tranny...
--Broadway Caribou Coffee
Overheard by: jenny Lui
Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can't make it."
--46th, b/w 8th & 9th
Overheard by: christine
30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She's like a transvestite... And an ugly bird. She's like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It's a really ugly bird.
--7th Ave
Overheard by: James from Jersey
Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!
--21st & 6th
20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.
--17th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Tater
Dude: It's been ages since I had testicles!
--Grand Sichuan, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Rose Fox
How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?
Man eating brunch to male friend: We both came out seven years ago. We are puppy gay in dog years.
--Big Daddy's Diner
Overheard by: Morgan
Very loving mom talking to daughter about her son: Hey! He is not an animal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not today!
--Hell's Kitchen
Outraged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the furnace, Ted!
--Court Street
Chick with cigarette, on cell: ... Leathery fetish dog-masks, or just Halloween style dog-masks?
--Outside Tagine, 40th & 9th
Overheard by: Ladle
Philosophical suit: The only reason I haven't divorced my wife is because of the dog.
--Upper East Side
Wednesday One-Liners --Unclean! Unclean!
Eight-year-old boy to another: You usta play dirty house with her!
--E 9th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Visibly annoyed ghetto-fab young lady, while loudly cracking her gum: They too many nationalities on this bus and most of them don't be clean.
--57th St Bus
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Chick, looking at rat sipping from puddle: Eeeww, how can he drink that? It's so dirty!
--6 Platform, Grand Central
Guy on escalator, to friend: ... Dirty sandwich...
--E Train
Overheard by: M_C
Male student: Either you're a dirty, stinking hippie, or you're pretentious.
--Bard High School Early College Library
Thuggish hobo: Please! Somebody talk dirty to me!
--Washington Square Park
Wednesday One-Liners Play Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites
Woman with thick Jersey accent, very seriously: I really need to get an accent. Accents are very important to people here.
--1 Train
Overheard by: McFreaky
Drunk man screaming into cell: Stop fucking yelling!
--30th & 8th
Guy on phone: It just really bugs me that she's always talking to other people about our relationship...
--Bedford & 4th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: andebobandy
Aussie bartender with heavy accent: He was complaining that the burger wasn't flat because it's hand-rolled and not frozen. [pause] Fucking foreigners.
--O'Keefe's, Court Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: NJH
Guy in wheelchair (peeing in a Snapple bottle) to friend: People are nasty.
--W 38th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Bebe
Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn't Go Condo
Father to young son: We'll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you'll only have to go to school through 6th grade."
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Dashing Dan
Jewy girl on cell: He's an apartment broker?... Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds... Yea, I don't think they are the same thing.
--21st St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend --wait no, fiancé-- a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: ED
Reasonable cop: Even though it's a stinkin friggin apartment, he's got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.
--Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens
Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.
--50th St & 9th Ave
Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.
--F Train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.
--Elevator, 56th & 8th
Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!
--Terminal 5
Dude: So you're enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?
--Cafe Esperanto
Chick to friend: I don't care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!
--TriBeCa
Overheard by: lalala
Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He's as healthy as a French gay ox.
--51st & 3rd
Overheard by: IG
Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! ...You know, the one with all the tigers.
--4 Train
Overheard by: BQM lady
Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world... They get hit by motor boats!
--Astor Place
Wednesday One-Liners Are for Keeping Airports in
Girl to friends, while walking past bar: Oh, this is the place I got drunk at, then woke up in Queens.
--40th & 7th
Overheard by: Jesse
Drunk Italian guy, entering uptown NRW station: Uptown and Queens? That's where all the pussy is!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Middle-aged black woman on phone: I can see all Queens from up in here, nigga. Aw, damn, I can see that Rhode Island shit now.
--Roosevelt Island Tram
Overheard by: Jack Fleming
20-Something hipster girl on cell: Why do you have to get off the phone? You're eating? Again? You big fat ass... God, I hate Queens.
--Queens Bridge
Overheard by: SL
Conductor over loudspeaker: You are now on the N train running to Queens... Unlike yesterday when I was in Queens running the train on all of youse. Enjoy.
--N Train
Overheard by: Kevin
Voice from dressing room stall: I am at a Sears in Queens. S. O. S.
--Sears, Rego Park, Queens
Overheard by: Ladle
Cesar Millan: Jeez, I Don't Know What to Do
Teen #1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: What the hell are you doing?
Teen #1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: Are you growling?
Teen #1, pointing at the postcards on the wall: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: [Retrieves a Lichtenstein print of a dog with the caption "Grr".] Grrrrrrrr! It started it! Grrrrrr!
Teen #1: I can't go anywhere with you, can I?
Teen #2, shaking head: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
--Gugenhiem Gift Shop
Overheard by: Hannah C.
Is There Any Possible Way I Can Blame New York?
Tourist mom: The last thing I wanted was to be drunk in front of my children.
Son: Too late.
--Embassy Suites, near WTC
Overheard by: Shanaca
Or Has Our Ironic Disdain Finally Overtaken Our Very Souls?
Hipster guy: Did we sleep in 'till 1 pm today? Or was that yesterday?
Hipster girl: No, that was yesterday. We slept in 'till ten today.
Hipster guy: What's wrong with us? Do we have aids?
--Williamsburg
Life's Vile Enough As It Is; Why Make It Worse?
[Young black girl bumps into a young white girl rounding a corner.]
Young black girl: Oh, I'm sorry miss, excuse me.
[Young white woman gives the young black girl a nasty look, and continues walking.]
Young black girl: I don't know why da fuck I use manners anymore.
--Lehman College
Reader Poll: Lesbians or Simply Unmarried?
Woman #1: What's the Super Bowl?
Woman #2: I think it has something to do with baseball...
--1 Train
Well, I'm Off to Teach My Constitutional Law Class!
Girl: If I ever get arrested, I'll just punch myself and claim police brutality.
Guy: Oh, really?
Girl: Yeah, that's like, one of our rights. We have all kinds of rights. They're in the amendments. There are like, nine of them.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Cori
Apparently Superior Court Judges Don't Take Too Kindly to That
Sad Latino dude: She said no.
Outraged Latino dude: What?!? How could she say no?! After all the time you spent thinking about her ass!
--Willoughby & Taafe, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jacob
But He Had a Lot of Difficulties Making Weight
Little boy: Dad, who's Mahatma Gandhi?
Dad: You don't know who Gandhi is?
Little boy: No. Was he a sports star?
Dad: Something like that...
--Union Square
St. Christopher's Starting to Get Ragged Around the Edges
Creepy hobo: May you reach your destination in safety.
Hoochie: Scuse me?
Creepy hobo: May you reach your destination in safety.
Hoochie, cheerily: Thank you, sweetie!
--Outside Pacific Street Station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Dr. Frankenstein Spoiled His Daughter Badly
Drunk girl #1: We're going to the Taj Lounge!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah we're going to the Taj Lounge! [To random guy.] Get your hot ass to the Taj Lounge!
Drunk girl #1: Leave your face here!
--21st St
This Time We'll Watch Softball and Drink Beer
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, this is so cool.
Girl #2: I know. [Smiles.]
Girl #1: Thanks for bringing me here, I love you. I am so glad I became a lesbian, if I wasn't I wouldn't have met you!
Girl #2: Aww, thanks. Do you want to go to my apartment now?
Girl #1: Yes! Let's go. Are we going to have fun like we did last night?
Girl #2: Even more, baby.
--M&M Store, Times Square
Too Bad Kubrick Could Only Be Truly Understood After His Death
Chick #1: I saw A Clockwork Orange this weekend.
Chick #2: What'd you think?
Chick #1: Um... [Long pause.] British men are hot.
--Barnes & Noble
So That's How It Spreads
[Homeless man is giving directions to tourists.]
Construction worker to tourists below: Don't listen to that guy, he's a homeless bum. He don't know what he's talking about, he's crazy. Seriously, stop talking to him, he's just a whacked out homeless guy.
Homeless man: Yeah, well... You're homeless! Yeah, how you like that?
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: adrift midwestern hipster
Like My Grandma
Girl #1: Where do you get bras?
Girl #2: Victoria's Secret, because no one else has my size.
Girl #1: What size are you?
Girl #2: Buttloads of huge.
--St Marks Place & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
Could You Just Stop Duelling with Them?
Little boy #1: You are a penis.
Little boy #2: No, you are a penis.
Nanny: Alright, whoever says that again gets a time-out.
Little boy #1: Whoever says penis?
Nanny: Nevermind.
--Bleecker & Mercer
You Don't Have To-- He Got Over It
Little boy: Did the Jews kill Jesus?
Tutor: No. It was the Romans.
Little boy: Aw, man! I hate the Romans! [angrily pounds fist on table]
--Community Center, 109th & Lexington
Overheard by: Drew
He Even Eats Semi-Solid Foods Once a Week
Middle-aged man to elderly woman: Mom, he's such a...I dunno. He told me the same story five times last night.
Elderly woman: Listen, dear: at my age, any man who can walk by himself and pee by himself is a catch.
--Madison Avenue Bus
Overheard by: The New York Crank
Gay Politicians?
20-something JAP, checking out 20-something guy walking past: Hey, how are you?
20-something guy waves: Married...
JAP's friend: Ew, who gets married?
--21st & Van Alst
Overheard by: Kire
You Sold Them to the Maid Again, Didn't You?
Cute, pigtailed five-year-old: I want my pills!
WASPy, harried-looking mother, to staring people: She means her vitamins. Ha, ha.
Cute, pigtailed five-year-old: No, mommy, my piiiiiiiiiiils!
--102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: I Want My Pill Too
They Took Behavioral Psychology from the Jabberwocky
Teen girl #1: Soup is my downfall.
Teen girl #2, yelling loudly: Human nature, human nature, soup!
--Columbia
Overheard by: Melissa
I'm Not Sure a Finger Is a Comprehensive Response
Soccer mom: I dropped a twenty dollar bill last time I was in here, like, two weeks ago. Did anybody find it and turn it in?
Cashier: Ya know, we've gotten so many twenties turned in this month, you're going to have to identify yours. Whats the serial number?
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Veronica at www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com
Clearly She Never Saw Lea Thompson Get Down With Howard the Duck
Girl #1: "Its so annoying how your phone wont learn to spell 'fuck'.
Girl #2: Yeah. It wont spell "fucked" either, thats the one I have trouble with.
Girl #1: Yeah. Like it always spells "ducked".
Girl #2: Yeah. And I don't wanna be ducked, I wanna be fucked!.
--L Train
Overheard by: Lara
Headline by: maggie
Runners-Up:
· "Donald And Daffy Went Home Alone That Night." - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "Fowl Language" - Koren
· "My Phone Totally Just Cock Blocked Me." - Jennette
· "Old McDonald Had a Fetish, E-I-E-I-Blow" - CV
· "Sexy Is Using a Feather, Kinky Is Using the Whole Bird" - Jatmos
· "That's Right... Ducked in My Puppy!" - Stick
· "The "Lame Duck" Presidency All Makes Sense Now" - Dale
· "Well, Once You Go Quack..." - Tim Ferlito
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When, Really, Tyra Did
Guy #1: I want to sing into an oscillating fan and record it.
Guy #2: Do you think you're the first person to think of that? That's like saying the kid on Project Runway invented the word "fierce".
--10th St & 1st Ave
...In 1995
Drunk girl, screaming at Adam Duritz: I want you in my vagina!
Friend: Would you stop?! Like 400 people hate you right now!
Drunk girl: I don't care, they didn't fuck him!
Friend: Actually... Like 200 of them probably did...
--Counting Crows Concert
Overheard by: Hating her
The Food Here Must Be Better Than I Thought
Employee #1: Do you know who that is?
Employee #2: Some total douchebag! What's he selling, encyclopedias?
Employee #1: Uh, no, he's the publisher of the New York Times.
--New York Times Cafeteria
Didn't They Say to Direct All Questions to the Tour Guide?
Teen girl: If you cut off a guy's penis, how long do you think it would take for him to bleed to death?
Teen boy: Uh...
Teen girl: Hypothetically, I mean.
--Natural History Museum
Not Since I Went on Oprah and Tried to Speak
Comedy pimp: You guys like comedy? Wanna see a comedy show?
College guy: Sorry, I don't usually.
Comedy pimp: Talk to black people?
College guy: Have my sentences finished by black people?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Benetton's Next Ad Campaign Is Gonna Be Edgy
White chick, examining bacteria plate: Aww, my bacteria are so cute. I have like pink ones!
Blondie: Lemme see. Ewwww... Is that what you colonized from your hand?
White chick: Yeah...?
Blondie: Ewww, you're dirty, don't touch me.
White chick: Fuck you, I go on the subway all the time.
Asian chick: Me too. Hey, I have some white colonies on my finger culture... Maybe I have some white in me after all.
White chick: And I have some yellow colonies! Together, we are a perfect rainbow of transcultural germs.
Asian chick: Awesome.
--Barnard Biology Lab
Overheard by: Vicksburg
...Not at That Woman's Boobs
Tourist mom, talking extremely loud: Nature means happiness.
Five-year-old son: Why?
Tourist mom: Because nature means life -look at how beautiful nature is.
Five-year-old son: Whoa! Now that's nature.
Tourist mom: The trees are nice; the road not so much... Look at the sea of trains...
--LIRR
Overheard by: JUSTSHUT UP!
Do You Want to Hear About the Ass Sex, or Not?
Woman: I think she's Russian. No wait, I think she is from Tennessee, yeah she's like this poor girl from Tennessee. So anyways, she goes to the Hamptons... Wait now I remember, she is from Utah; she's Mormon. That's it. So she goes to the Hamptons and meets this guy...
Man: Wait a minute, what's a Russian Mormon doing in the Hamptons?
Woman, annoyed: [groan]
--Whole Foods Columbus Circle
No, Seriously-- I'm Doing the Column Now.
Loud girl #1: So, are you going to tell Eric*?
Loud girl #2: It was a dance.
Loud girl #1: And a kiss.
Jamaican man, who has overheard: Oh. Oh, that's cold. You ain't gonna tell him?
Loud girl #2: I didn't kiss him, he kissed me.
Jamaican man: This gon' get ugly, you hear me?
Loud girl #2: Fine! I'll tell him! Then you'll see ugly.
Jamaican man: Jus' call me Dear Abby.
--Elevator, Brooklyn
Now Here's a Tissue. You're About to Sneeze
Brunette: I really need to have sex.
Blonde: Well you better do it soon because you're getting your period on Wednesday.
[long pause.]
Brunette: We spend too much time together.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky
You Also Said That About Plastic Sporks
Four-year-old #1: Do you know who Slash is?
Four-year-old #2: Nope. What is it?
Four-year-old #1: He is from the Guns and the Roses.
Four-year-old #2: What's that?
Four-year-old #1: It's dangerous.
--World Financial Center
Or a Few Days Locked in a Room with The Cure
Mom with three kids: She's always skipping around and has so much energy.
Mom #2: Maybe she needs drugs.
--27th & Broadway
But Your Nails Are a Wreck
Thug #1: I'm so fat.
Thug #2: No G, you not fat!
Thug #1: You playin'.
Thug #2: I'll tell you fat. When you put on sweats and they stretch out. That's fat. Besides, you're like what, six foot six? You can pull it off.
Thug #1: Thanks, G!
--Inwood Pathmark, 207th St
Overheard by: austin
But the Mannequins Have Better Legs Than I Do!
Woman: Where is the men section?
Employee: This is the men section.
Woman: Oh, wow!
--Express For Him
Overheard by: Express
In the Drawer Next to Your Bed
Four-year-old to his mom: Do you have a penis?
Mom: No.
Four-year-old: Yes you do. I know you do. I saw it!
--Lombardi's Pizza
We Can Only Enjoy the City Ironically
Boy, looking at table full of cheap souvenirs: Hey mom!
Embarrassed mom: No, those are for tourists. We live here!
--Near Trinity Church
Overheard by: amused tourist
Dude, You're Not Even a Blip on Their Radar Screen
Preppy girl #1: I knew it! I knew it! I told you, I knew it!
Preppy girl #2: Like, oh my god! I knew it, too! I told you I knew it!
Guy, just getting on the train: Like o-m-g, I knew it too!
--R Train
Overheard by: Jenn
We Can Drunk-Dial Daddy at Work!
[Mother and four-year-old boy walking past liquor store]
Mom: So we have to go to Duane Reade and... Oooh! Let's get some wine.
Boy: Yeah!
--115th & Broadway
Your Editors Googled Up 159,000 Hits
Guy #1: There's just no place to go dancing, you know?
Guy #2: You can't find a dance club in New York?
Guy #1: No, it's just not right --I really like to Lindy.
Guy #2: ...
Guy #1: ...
Guy #2: Dude. Where the hell do you learn to Lindy?
--34th & Broadway
Excuse Me While I Savor the Idea of Coke and Strippers
Tall guy: Maybe I should just move to his pad...
Short guy: You can't live with him, you'll never get any work done with all the strippers and piles of coke everywhere. He lives too large for me.
Tall guy: [long pause] Yeeeaaah!
--PATH
Overheard by: green eyed evesdropper
Even If I Am a Cop
Tourist husband with camera: We could ask him. [Points to black man.]
Tourist wife: No, I don't think thats a good idea.
Black man: Listen to your woman, I woulda taken that shit and run!
--Times Square
We're Still Jews Though, Right?
Little boy: ...I met another girl at school who is Mexican!
Mother: Colombian! We're Colombian!
--65th & Riverside
Like the Fingers on a Baseball Glove
Girl #1: That guy over there is so attractive... And he has a huge penis. I can tell from his fingers.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, you can totally tell what a guy's penis would look like based on their fingers. That's how I knew it hurt when you lost your virginity before you even told me...I saw his fingers.
--1 Train
Some Headlines Write Themselves.
Guy: Snowboarding is better than skiing.
Girl: Yeah, I don't think I would like skiing. I'm just not good at the whole keeping-my-legs-together thing.
--42st Station
Overheard by: BJ
They're Just Listening to iPods, Sweetie
Dad: See, that's why the bus has stopped. Look at all those people getting on the bus.
Little boy: Zombies! They're all zombies! Millions and millions of zombies!
--M15 Bus
What the Inventors of Nickelodeon Gak Were Going For
Girl #1: Is that cum?
Girl #2: Yes, green cum.
--W 47th & 5th
Overheard by: Holly
And Alice Cooper Isn't?
Twentysomething woman #1: When I was younger I thought eyeliner on guys was hot.
Twentysomething woman #2: Eew!
Twentysomething woman #1: No, no, when I was younger. It's like an imaginary unicorn. You think it's so great, but it's not.
Twentysomething woman #2: No way, unicorns are awesome!
--Duane Reade, 14th & 1st
Overheard by: Maianess
Hence Our New Motto: "USPS: Moving Forward"
Anxious woman, running up to counter: The postal truck is blocking my car! I asked him to move and he wouldn't! All he has to do is put the truck in reverse!
Postal worker lady: He don't know how to. Obviously.
--125th St Post Office
We Must Bring This Architectural Concept Home to Tennessee
Southern tourist, looking at opposite platform: Oooh, that's a pretty wall.
Friend: Yeah.
Southern tourist: [Turns around.] There's one on this side, too!
--N Train
Overheard by: Raye
The King of Terrors? I Beg to Differ
Mother, to twelve-year-old daughter: Megan! Get back here!
Four-year-old boy: Mommy, Megan is trying to cross the street cuz she hates you.
Mother, bitterly: No, Megan is trying to cross the street because she wants to get hit by a car.
Four-year-old: If you get hit by a car you'd be dead, then you have to go to the hospital.
Mother, despondent: I don't think you even understand death.
--Broadway
What? My Wife's Not Attractive Enough to Sleep With?
Guy #1: Have you ever slept with my wife?
Guy #2: [laughs]
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: X
If You Want to Know More, Here's My Card
Straight guy: Shit! They're closed. There's no way I'll be able to buy a dildo this late at night.
Guy walking by: Dude, in this city you can definitely find a dildo this late at night.
--13th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Jesse D
Girls Will Analyze Two-Word Conversations Like Jesuit Theologians
Girl #1: Oh my god, did I tell you? Alex called me yesterday! And it wasn't 6 am for once, it was 3 pm!
Girl #2: That's great!
Girl #1: I know. He was like [low voice] "heeeeeeey" and I was like [high voice] "heeeeey!" and it was amazing. Well, not really. But it was so great.
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Only There There's Nothing Else to Do
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You girls... You girls are visiting the greatest city in the world.
Drunk tourist girls: [giggle.]
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You wanna know why? You wanna know why this is the greatest city in the world?
Drunk tourist girl #1: Why?
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: 'Cause I can stand right here on the street and ask you to suck my balls.
Drunk girl #1: Um, you can ask us that anywhere.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah... We're from Wisconsin and people there ask us that all the time.
--Thompson and Bleecker
Overheard by: I guess the Cheeseheads are more brazen than we thought
Too Cheap for Plastic Surgery
Girlfriend: Did you see his face?
Boyfriend: Yeah! Weird! He is so creepy!
Girlfriend: He must be Jewish.
--88th & York
Then Why Does He Keep Helping You Win Grammies?
Girl, as she passes out cards: Jesus loves you!
Passerby: Actually, Jesus and I haven't really gotten along since my people killed him. But thanks!
--43rd & Broadway
Neither Do Men-- What's Your Point?
Female office worker: None of those mermaids had nipples.
Male office worker: Well, that's because fish don't nurse!
--Office Building, W 46th St
Overheard by: The Green Cat
The Premature Ejaculators' Society's in New York on Business
British guy #1, weaving through umbrellas: You paid for a good time, not a long time.
British guy #2, sounding disgruntled: Well, I want a refund.
--Outside Bubba Gump Shrimp, Times Square
Overheard by: Mildred and Gertrude
I Won't Even Play It With Janeane Garofalo
Bum: Have a happy Wednesday!
Suit: You too, sir.
Bum: You son of a bitch! That's it; I'm not playing. I'm not playing this game anymore.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Larry
Everyone from New York to Illinois
Little boy looking on ground while holding toy: Have you seen the golden screw?
Nanny: Oh honey, we're all looking for that.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Let me know when you find it
What Do They Do With the Other One?
Chick: Yeh, they take one of your boobs and turn it into your penis.
Gay guy: That's sooo weird.
--61st & Broadway
Overheard by: Wish I heard more of this one
I Didn't Have the Heart to Correct Her When She Used It in the Garden
NYU smoker chick #1: You know, she doesn't even do it at all.
NYU smoker chick #2: Like never? Wow, no wonder she's so unhappy.
NYU smoker chick #1: Yeah, that's what I said! I even bought her a vibrator, but she won't use it!
NYU smoker chick #2: Really?
NYU smoker chick #1: Yeah, it was cute and everything. It looks like a flower. It was called the petal pleaser.
--NYU, University Place
I'm Beginning to Regret Teaching You That Word, Granny
Girl: I saw that movie when it came out, The Passion of the Christ.
Grandma: What movie?
Girl: The Passion of the Christ. You haven't heard of it?
Grandma: Yes, but I'm not interested in watching it. Mel Gibson produced it.
Girl: Oh. So it's a principle thing.
Grandma: No. It's an I-don't-like douchebaginess thing.
--JFK Airport
Your Editors Suggest You Read Overheard in New York With a Friend
Hipster: Why are you playing Tetris when you have me to talk to?
Friend, still playing: Shhhh.
Hipster: [Closes friend's phone.]
Friend, looking up: Things like that break up friendships.
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: Jer
So Was 'Dyke Cunt', but Who's Counting?
Chick #1: You were way too hard on my dad back there.
Chick #2: I know, I'm sorry... I just get so heated.
Chick #1: Still, "homophobic asshole" is a little harsh, don't you think?
--Park Row
Great --Now I Have to Throw Up
Little girl: I'm going to throw up.
Mother: You can throw up when we get off the train.
Little girl: [pauses] I love you, mommy.
--N Train
Overheard by: Rachel
It's the Best AA Meeting in Midtown
Alleged heterosexual Male #1: I ended up doing a body shot of tequila off of Peter...
Alleged heterosexual Male #2: That's not the point.
--57th St
Let's Just Say It Was Truly a "Wonder Emporium"
Dumb girl: Oh my god! I just can't concentrate ...I need a bag of chips in order to listen to you.
Bimbette: Except I just had sex in the movie theater.
Dumb girl: Really!? What did you watch?
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Este
Kosher Cheetos Now!
[several jews are chanting and marching in times square, waving yellow flags.]
Guy #1: What are they protesting?
Guy #2: I don't know. It's in hebrew.
--Times Square
Headline by: Q6
Runners-Up:
· "At Least They're Supporting the Troops" - Eli
· "They're Saying, "Can You Believe the Yellow Ones Were 50% Off?"" - seven5suited
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Cop: Ma'am, I Have a Warrant for Your Assumption
Girl #1: [crying]
Girl #2: Sorry, when I see a women crying in a pharmacy I just assume she is pregnant.
--400 W 58th St
Overheard by: Tex117
Let's Pray It's Not Another Mannequin Sequel
Frat boy #1: Dude! Look at that girl in that store... She's checkin' me out.
Frat boy #2: Dude, that's a mannequin!
Frat boy #1: Oh.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Michelle
Luckily That's a Badge of Honor in the Gay Community
Gay guy #1: I'm not sure how big he was...?
Gay guy #2: All I know is that when a guy is that big, the next day I have such bad flatulence and diarrhea, it's ridiculous...
--A Train
Overheard by: brainygirl
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Our City Afloat (Unfortunately)
Bossy, fanny-pack-wearing tourist lady: No, no... That map is wrong. We want Broadway and it's ... That way! [Points emphatically toward 8th avenue and storms away.]
--West 47th b/w Broadway & 8th Avenue
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Tourist, whispering to friend: There are a lot of Jewish people in here.
--B&H Photo
Tourist girl: Dad! Look! It's Times Square! Walk this way.
--Rector St & Broadway
Overheard by: Jax
Tourist lady peering in shop window: Ooooh, calendars! Ooooh, t-shirts! Oh, we're gonna have to come back here!
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Tourist: Oh honey, look at this purse I bought! It's a real coach bag and it was so cheap. I bought it on Canal street. You should see all of the Gucci, Prada, and Louis Vuitton they've got. I can't believe you can get the real thing for so cheap.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Johanna
Tourist, in disbelief: People are buying shoes at 11 o'clock at night!
--33rd & Seventh
Overheard by: Gasp!
Wednesday One-Liners With Leather Patches on Their Elbows
Professor, matter of factly: In next week's film you will see a cock. And it will ejaculate. I hope that's okay with you all.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Professor: I guess I can't trust you guys to write papers on something scandalous. Good thing I brought a pornographic film for later.
--Manhattan Campus, Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Norma Desmond
Contracts professor: So do you think Paris Hilton is a sucker?
--Brooklyn Law School
Professor to class, as he writes on board: ...Moro Islamic Liberation Front, known for its acronym. [A few students get it and laugh.]
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina one of the first to laugh
Professor: On this index card I'd like you all to write your name and major, as well as your career fantasies. I say career fantasies because when you graduate I'll see you paying off your loans working at the kwik-e-mart.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Erum
Korean professor: Here's how you calculate the intercept shit...
--NYU
English professor: You will find that English critical theory is the key to understanding not only literary perspectives, but also everything on YouTube.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners Will Kick Your Ass at Beer Pong
Frat boy on cell: Next time this happens, just grab him by the penis and drag him into bed.
--Grand Central
Frat boy: I mean, STDs are nothing to worry about. There are more Pokemon than there are STDs!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Pikachu
Enthusiastic frat boy: Sure, sure, but back in history when there were no diseases...
--57th Street & 8th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Frat boy on cell: If I were him, I'd tell her to get her boobs put in too, as long as she's already under.
--Mercer & 8th
Incensed frat-type dude on cell: Dude! I didn't fingerbang your sister in Tijuana! I'm not a snake like that. I fingerbanged her in Cancun, so it was on American soil... And you were in the next bed. Tell me you don't remember any of this?!
--NR Train
A Wednesday for Breakfast, a One-Liner for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Dancer girl: I dunno, I mean, like, I wish they made a size like, triple zero, so I would have something to look forward to, y'know?
--Central Park
Man: Yeah, that's how you gain weight: a backed-up colon. I cleaned mine out this weekend.
--B54 Bus
Overheard by: Alma Molato
Old woman, very loudly, in the middle of the movie: Boy, is she skinny!
--Movie theater, 86th Street b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: The New York Crank
Girl on cell: If bitch can't afford to buy her own groceries, she can just get skinny!
--Green Village Used Clothing, Bushwick
Anorexic fashionista: Any self-respecting anorexic knows that!
--Lincoln Center, 62nd & 9th
Man on cell: You went to a party last night? Well, that means you have to do three hours tomorrow. And I want you to drink lots of water, but none of that crystal light crap. That is seven calories that you do not need.
--Blockbuster, Broadway
Wednesday Doing-Liners
Socialite-in-training: So all I had in this stupid bar in Las Vegas is a vodka tonic and a whiff of cocaine and before I know it I'm making out with a guy that I distinctly remember saying "I don't like you" to. Yeah... That happened a lot this summer...
--116th & Broadway
Yuppie: I'm in fucking Penn station, I don't know if it's fucking snowing outside. I hope six falls up my nose tonight.
--Penn Station
Student on cell: I mean, I could say there are people going into finance doing lines of coke on a Monday night and here I am, doing work.
--114th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Kid, walking out of middle school: Man, I could really use some cocaine!
--East Village
Model to friend about styling team: Yo, before I knew they were from California, I thought they were on coke...
--Crwon Heights
Overheard by: Cuttie
Yuppie to friend: No, seriously. He's not a jerk at all. He's a cokehead. You'll love him.
--Essex & Rivington
Cirrhosis of the Wednesday One-Liners
Hot chick dragging male companion: But you'll like it this time, you were drunk yesterday...
--19th & 8th
Disheveled homeless woman: Fuck that shit! I'm looking for a real drunk!
--42nd & 9th
Overheard by: Mike
Man on bike, swerving down street: Look out, get out of the way! Drunk driver coming through!
--Washington Square East and Washington Place
Overheard by: Out of the way!
Appreciative preppy girl: Even though he's a thug and a drunk, he's a real intellectual.
--Art Fair at the Armory
Overheard by: Gina Beavers
Drunk guy about to chug: This reminds me of middle school. Got to get the 40 down before second period!
--Stan's, Bronx
Young woman on cell: No, I do not need to get drunk more often, stop saying that mom!
--Union Square
Overheard by: McCrum
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Care If You're Listening
Conductor, speaking in a robot voice: Watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch... Sorry, my finger fell off the button. Watch the gap.
--LIRR
Train conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound A experience to Lefferts boulevard. Have an optimistic day!
--A Train
Overheard by: soothed passenger
Conductor, in droll voice: For the fifteenth million time, there is train traffic ahead.
--1 Train
Conductor: This is 207th street, the last and final stop. Please collect all your personal belongings and leave the train. Goodnight and happy wabbit season.
--A Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Conductor: Thank you for riding on the C line, the best subway line in the whole, wide world.
--C Train
Overheard by: traPt
Conductor: If you want to get off at South Ferry, please go to the first five cars of the train. All passengers getting off at South Ferry, please move along the platform to the first five cars of the train. Yes, the front of the train is the direction the train was moving.
--1 Train
Conductor: We apologize for the delay, but this happens on the weekends. For info on service changes log onto www.mta.info. If you don't have a computer, watch NY1, if you don't have a TV, listen to 1010 Wins, if you don't have a radio, call 718-330-1234, if you don't have a phone, go home and wait for a miracle.
--N Train
Overheard by: subway rider
Which Came First, Wednesday, or the One-Liner?
Girl: As long as I don't get that anthrax thingy I'm cool with the chicken.
--Elevator 112 west 34th st
Overheard by: Rebecca
Five-year-old: Why do babies look like chickens?
--Nederlander Theatre
Overheard by: Jordan
Man explaining menu to wife: You know fried chicken: the chicken with the crust.
--Virgils BBQ, 44th St
Overheard by: fish
Teacher, after seeing one of her seven-year-old students smell an empty subway seat: Sienna, there are 10,000 people a day sitting in that very seat. What do you think it would smell like? Chicken?
--F Train
Overheard by: Marlene Saunders
Woman to man: Everyone loves when you throw the chicken.
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
'I' Before 'E', Except After 'C', or in Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: Yeah, it's weird, it feels like I'm still alive.
--W 8th & Broadway
Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.
--Robert Louis Stevenson School
Overheard by: Lucas
Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They're all weird.
--90th b/w 2nd & 3rd
Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.
--9th St. and 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Trader Joe's employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: Ingwall
Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn't mean you're smart.
--Bowery & Rivington
And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?
Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don't stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don't have the patience for it.
--Washington G Station
Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.
--Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn
NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!
--West 4th St
Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?
--Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St
Girl on cell: Don't you think I'm a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?
--Bedford and North 7th
20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.
--52nd & 9th
Overheard by: Trey Givens
We're Bringin' Wednesday One-Liners Back
African tourist: All New Yorkers are sexy! That's why I love this city. Everywhere I go, sexy. The cops, the people...
--Broadway & Chambers St.
Metro newspaper guy: Hey sexy man, take a metro and be a lot sexier!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Dora Watson
Loud freshman boy, entering cafeteria with more freshmen: And she pinched my nipple, but it was sexy!
--Edward R. Murrow High School
Overheard by: Kris S.
Student commenting on a painting of Mary and Jesus by Raphael: In this painting Mary has a little more of a...I don't know, sexual aura. Her face is more narrow, I can kind of see her breast. She has her leg bent in a sexy way kind of like saying "I'm not a virgin anymore".
--Columbia University Art Humanities Class
Overheard by: Going to Hell
Skanky mom to three-year-old son: Hey sexy!
--Central Park
Overheard by: riana
Businesswoman to another: Who's your sexy hoe?
--33rd St & Park
Tween girl with science textbook: You don't understand cloning? Okay, let me tell you about it. It's sexy as hell... [later] I stayed after class to get him to teach me about meiosis and it was really hot. I got so horny!
--F Train
Wednesday One-Liners Could Do With a Cuddle
30-something woman to female friend: I'm so happy to see you! I haven't had sex in a couple of months, except for a few straight girls.
--Carroll Gardens
Smoking chick on cell: I haven't had sex yet either...I'll let you know.
--1020 bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Nilla wafer-eating chick: I don't even understand why people have sex anymore!
--Columbia University
Guy yelling at a woman: Lady! Stop asking, I'm not having sex with you!
--34th & 6th
Guy on cell: Oh my god, do I need to say it? Fine! I promise I won't try to put my penis in you. Okay?
--Avenue C
Overheard by: lingling
Guy on cell: That's the thing about sex, it's all in your head anyway.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: brita bit
Because When I Wasn't at the Library I Was Having Sex
Girl #1: Again? That's twice this week.
Girl #2: Yeah, I really think I am a nymphomaniac.
--3rd Ave & 60th St
What Happened with the Aerobics Instructor?
Guy #1: Hey, new laptop?
Guy #2: Yeah, mine died over the weekend so I picked it up. It's pretty slick, and check this out: two headphone jacks.
Guy #1: Wow, that is pretty cool.
Guy #2: Yeah, now all I need is a girlfriend...
--NYU, Warren Weaver Hall
Be Sure to Take Pictures for Me!
Girl, handing phone to gay Asian friend: Here, talk to John.
Gay Asian friend: Hi, John... Are you naked? [pause] What? You are naked? In this weather?! Damn, man, your thing must be as small as a peanut by now!
--Borders Bookstore, 100th & Broadway
Overheard by: Stunned and literate
It Was a Danielle Steel Novel, But This Works Every Time
Creepy guy: I like your hat.
Girl reading: Thanks.
Creepy guy: Do you have the time?
Girl reading: Sure. 6:30.
Creepy guy: Can I ask what your book is about?
Girl reading: Female circumcision.
Creepy guy: No, can I ask what your book is about?
Girl reading: Female circumcision.
Creepy guy: Are you serious?!
Girl reading: Yeah.
Creepy guy: You enjoy that.
Girl reading: Thanks, I will.
--Q Train
What'd You Say? I Was Busy Looking at Asses
Guy #1: I love the spring time.
Guy #2: Man, you like looking at asses.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Evans Tucker
It's Maryland's Slutty Big Sister
California girl: Where are you from?
Jersey girl: New Jersey. You?
California girl: California.
Jersey girl: Oh, wow! I like California. It's nice. California is like an exciting version of Maryland.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Chiara
Always Have a Safe Word When You Roleplay 'Girl Who'd Rather Be Sleeping'
Girl #1: I'm so pissed, I didn't even get to sleep last night.
Girl #2 tries to whisper back: It's not his fault, why didn't you complain when he was doing it to you.
[elevator goes silent]
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Chelsea B.
Underrated?
Student: Have you seen the show Freaks and Geeks?
Dean: Yes. It reminds me of all of you!
--Bard High School Early College
Now on to "Mary Had a Little Cab"
Toddler in grocery cart seat: Do you know any songs?
Toddler in adjacent grocery cart seat (singing): I've been working of the F train, all the live long day, I've been working on the F train just to pass the time away; can't you hear the whistle blowing, rise up so early in the 'morn, can't you hear the captain shouting, "stand clear of the closing doors!"
--Food Coop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Brooklyn, Baby!
Now My Ears Burn When I Pee.
NYU girl, to girl with earplugs: Ew! He put those in his ears and now they're in yours?!
Girl with earplugs: ...He put his penis in my vagina...
--4th & Astor
Overheard by: claire
Headline by: Tim Ferlito
Runners-Up:
· "Five More Orifices: Just Think Of the Possibilities!" - sim etrias
· "Granted, the Earplugs Go in Deeper..." - flippin
· "Haven't You Heard Of Hearing AIDS?" - Constant Irritant
· "He Gives Good Aural Too." - Rick Felice
· "Not Just His Earwax, But the Earwax Of Every Girl He's Ever...." - Matt
· "Wax On, Whacks Off" - NJ
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Well What If They Made Movies Of Books?
Guy #1: The reason people don't read enough is because there's too many other forms of media that are more interesting. Why is some kid gonna pick up a book when he can watch one of the thousands channels on TV? That's it! There needs to be a channel about books!
Guy #2: There is a channel about books. It's called Book TV. It's boring as hell.
Guy #1: Oh.
--Near Baruch College, 23rd St
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Shopped at H&M
Teen girl: She said money don't grow on trees but yeah it do. Money made of paper, paper made from trees.
20-something-guy: Actually, US currency is printed on cotton.
Teen boy: Cotton?
20-something-guy: Yeah, they use denim, like jeans.
Teen girl: My jeans don't be rippin like money, they using some low grade shit.
--Staten Island Mall Bus Stop
Overheard by: ryn
The Good News: You Can Do Pretty Much Anything on the Subway Without the Locals Giving a Shit
Young college girl #1: So she said to do Kegel exercises when you are on the subway.
Young college girl #2: That makes sense. When you're on the subway no one knows you are doing them!
Young college girl #3: [tries to wrap legs over head] Is this how you do them? Wait, aren't they supposed to make you tighter?
--E Train
Overheard by: I do them at work
And You're Not the Only One
Girl: I need to get something for my boyfriend for valentine's day. I'm thinking of some panties and an outfit from Victoria's Secret. What do you think?
Boy: That's nice. I like dirty panties. Hanes tighty whities for women. I like them real dirty and crusty lookin', like she just rolled around in some shit.
Girl: You nasty! What's wrong with you?
Boy: Don't be hatin', that's what I like.
--R Train
Overheard by: Chris
And "Hot" Just Means "Not Cold Yet"
Older looking woman to younger one: That guy was so hot. I'd love to go out with him.
Younger woman: Are you kidding? He was really old! Like 70!
Older woman: So what? I am 65!
--57th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rachel Kurst
Nor Would God.
Homeless guy: God is love and love is god! Give me money! Love like god does!
[five minutes later]
Homeless guy: God is love and love is god! Give me money! Love like god does!
Passenger: I'll pay you to shut up.
Homeless guy: How much? I won't accept less than ten dollars.
--F Train
Don't Give Me None of That "Light Through Yonder Breaks" Shit, Neither
Crazy bag lady on the l train: It is the winter of our discontent!
Ghetto girl #1: I dunno what you talkin' bout. It's content up in this motherfuckin' winter. Maybe your ass would be contenter if you got a job.
Ghetto girl #2: Girl, shut up. You ain't got no job either.
--L Train
Overheard by: ForniKate
Until You Promise to Stop Washing with Hot Pepper Sauce
Girl #1: It's not a date. We're just going to a show. It's like if you and me went.
Girl #2: Except he's not black and short like me.
Girl #1: And I love him.
Girl #2: You love me too.
Girl #1: I don't want to suck on parts of your body.
--Madison Square Park
People Who Live in New Jersey Should Not Throw Stones
Drunk fan: Martin Brodeur fucked his sister-in-law.
Sober pisser: That's worse than OJ Simpson.
Drunk fan: Yeah, he's French Canadian.
--Madison Square Garden bathroom
Overheard by: TrueBlue
That's Not What You Said on the 1 Train
Six-year-old blonde girl with a Hanna Montana purse: Daddy, it's so dark, isn't this romantic?
Dad, nervously looking around: No, this is the farthest thing from romantic.
--7 Train
Remember When I Pulled a Nutcracker on My Boyfriend?
Woman #1: Girl, you best shut yo' mouf!
Woman #2: If y'all don't shut it imma beat yo' ass with one of these ballerina pumps!
--W 61st St
...While Eating Ribs
Girl: What do you mean, you like her? Like, you-want-to-bone-her like-her?
Guy: Could you please not say that!?
--NYU Kimmel Student Center
Overheard by: A. Haven
I Was Filled with the Holy Spirit --Until I Peed.
20-something girl: ... And then he drank the holy water, wait, no. I drank the holy water, and he got sick, but I didn't.
20-something guy: Did it cure your gout?
20-something girl, angrily: I don't have the gout!
--Crowded Elevator, Atlantic Ave Station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tigertail
It's Not a Party 'til Steve and Lucky Show Up
Bald white guy: You know Steve, right?
Asian woman: Steve? Who's Steve?
Bald white guy: Oh, he's the gay guy with the three-legged dog.
--43rd & 9th
In Cute Poses!
Old man #1: It was uplifting.
Old man #2: Dead babies?
--Cranberry Cafe
Overheard by: Jordan
Don't Bite the Hand That Steers You
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: If your stop is Main street, please get off here.
Punk high school kid in back of bus: Fuckin' asshole!
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: Yo mama.
--Q88 Bus
Overheard by: quite amused
And They'd Be Pouring Margaritas for Everyone
[guy slips on snowy steps, falls down]
Old man: Oh, are you okay?
[guy gets up, walks away]
Old woman: If this were Dartmouth, they'd have salted this by now, you know.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Greg T
Hmm, According to This, It's a Musical
Guy: Wait, what part of New York is Chicago in?
Girl: What?! Chicago isn't in New York! Chicago is its own state.
Guy: No, it's not a state! It's called the "windy city."
Girl: Oh, right. I guess it is in New York then.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Hang on, I'll look it up on my blackberry.
--Fordham University
But the Arachnid Look Was Kinda Last-Season
Tacky girl #1: These shoes are too cute! [Points to a pair of shiny, patent leather heels.] Aren't they totally cute?
Tacky girl #2: Yeah. So cute.
Tacky girl #1: So great... They're like shiny little spider claws!
--Clothing Boutique, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Amy
It's a Universal Recognition Symbol
Guy #1, shouting: We're in the Village!
Guy #2: The Village?
Guy #1: We're in the Village!
Guy #2: Ok... The Village...
Guy #1: So if someone grabs your dick, you know what it means!
--West 4th St Station
Overheard by: DS
...If He Knows What's Good for Him
Loud girl #1: I don't wanna go, what if I cheat on my boyfriend?
Loud girl #2: Whatever, he won't care. He's fat, he'll get over it.
--Outside Pace University
Overheard by: Aaron
No Drug Cures That
Girl: I think it's because he's a drug addict.
Boy: No it is not! I know a lot of drug addicts, and they are nice! He's just an asshole.
--Epoca, Fort Greene
Reports of Mr. Hefner's Bedroom Activities Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Store clerk with thick accent: Condoms? Which one?
Old man: No! Cough drops! Cough drops!
Store clerk: Condoms? [points at condom boxes]
Old man: Look at me... What the heck do I need condoms for!? Cough drops!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Renz
I Hope You Don't Think I'm a Hobosexual
[hobo walks into the train with bag in cart]
Drunk queer standing behind hobo: Move it or lose it.
Hobo: Who the fuck is that?!
Queer: Queen Victoria.
Hobo: I'm a marine, I'll fucking kill you.
Queer: Let me know when you get your VA check, I'll help you spend it.
Hobo: Yeah, sure I'll do that.
Queer: In Central Park.
Hobo: I'll call you.
Queer: My number's 444-332. Call me at that number.
Hobo: I won't call you.
[they get off the train giggling]
--A train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: JohnD
My Other Option Is to Be Baked Into the Wedding Cake
White guy talking about his ex-girlfriend: Then she was like "Oh, I'm getting married. I want you to be part of my wedding." She was like "You can be my brides-man."
Even whiter friend: What? Like a groom?
White guy: No! A brides-man.
--6 Train
Overheard by: playtoe
My Daughter Licks the Screen Whenever We Turn on the Cooking Channel
Guy: Is there such a thing as too hi-res?
Girl: Yea, it's called real life.
--16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: John Fischetti
So You Don't Countess
Dreadlocked sales clerk: What I need is a bronze princess.
Latina sales clerk: I'm bronze.
Dreadlocked sales clerk: Yeah, but you ain't a princess.
--Billionaire Boys Club, SoHO
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Making Your Wife's Vajayjay "Talk" Like a Puppet Doesn't Count
Cute blonde: We should go see The Vagina Monologues.
Awkward Indian man: Yeah, that's my play!
--Columbia University
Unlike Most McDonald's Salads
Four-year-old boy to mom eating a Big Mac: Mommy, can I try some?
Mom: You won't like it. It tastes like salad.
--McDonald's, Broadway b/w Waverly and Astor Place
Overheard by: Jen
You'll Have to Pry It from My Cold, Dead Hands
[guy takes a flyer]
Flyer guy: Hey, do you want to know about...
Guy interrupting: No.
[guy goes into revolving door and flyer guy follows him into the same section of the door and stops it]
Flyer guy: Don't be such a jerkwad, I want my flyer back.
--68th St Loews
Overheard by: LSB
Probably Ironic or Symbolic or Something
Tourist girl #1: You know that movie Juno? Is it named after "Ju-no", like, "You know?"..."Ju-no"?
Tourist girl #2: I think it's her name.
Tourist girl #1: Oh... Ok.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Emily
'Fucking' Isn't Always Just an Intensifier
Teen boy #1: Hey, where is it?
Teen girl: The dildo shop is that way!
Teen boy #2: Yes! Dildos! Oh yeah! We gonna have some fucking fun tonight!
--8th & 6th
Overheard by: A teen who also likes dildos
Now Are You Gonna Order or Do You Wanna Fuck With Me Some More?
Customer: Can I get an eggplant and mozzarella sandwich?
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: No, not eggs... Eggplant.
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: But eggplant and eggs are two entirely different things...
Employee, winking: The customer is always right.
--Au Bon Pain, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Caelster
The Original Iteration of Ratatouille Bombed with Young Audiences
Four-year-old boy, pointing at giant inflatable rat: Look dad, a big rat!
Dad: Yeah, that symbolizes anti-union labor where the union employees aren't being hired and companies are hiring non-union employees to work with them.
Four-year-old boy: What?
--28th & Broadway
I'm the Sexy Jesus of the Sophomore Class
Male Columbia student: So did she give you the recommendation, or what?
Female Columbia student: Yeah, I wasn't sure that she liked me that much... But then apparently she told them I walk on water in six-inch heels!
--1 Train
You There-- Stop Texting at Once!
Woman #1: I noticed last night you had your nails done.
Woman #2: I hope I didn't hurt you.
Woman #1: We just have to be careful not to stretch anything.
Woman #2: Let's call Jimmy next time, he's great from a directive point of view.
Woman #1: I wonder if anyone's listening to this conversation...
--A Train
The Real Reason the Israelites Left
Ghetto store employee #1: Yo, they got people in Egypt?
Ghetto store employee #2: Yeah, they got Pizza Hut an everything. Right across the street from the pyramids an shit.
Ghetto store employee #1: Why they be eatin pizza? It's hot in the desert they ain't got to be eatin no hot pizza!
--Mass Produced Clothing Store, SoHo
Or Else I'm in Peril of Being Uncool
Teenage girl, running up to two friends from behind: Molly! And Kaya!
Molly or Kaya: Oh, Bren! Are you coming to Starbucks?
Bren: No, I have to go get that cancer vaccination! Right now!
--Prince & Spring
Assuming That What Suburban 13-Year-Olds Have Can Be Considered a "Life"
13-year-old boy #1: Dude, you know what I did? I totally called Donna and told her you made a date with a fat chick.
13-year-old boy #2: You did not.
13-year-old boy #1: I totally did. She thought it was really funny. Sorry.
13-year-old boy #3: You guys are wasting my time and my life. [gets up and leaves]
--Cosi, 13th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: thank god i'm not 13 anymore
I Waited in Vain for a Blonde Ingenue
[two white women are leaving a performance of The Color Purple]
Woman #1: So what did you think?
Woman #2: I don't know. It was good I guess. It was just...
Woman #1: What?
Woman #2: Very... Black or something.
--Outside The Broadway Theatre, 53rd & 7th
Overheard by: Brandi
Unless Your Eyes Are Closed When You're Looking at It
Redhead: So, what's your favorite planet?
Blonde: Mercury.
Redhead: Oh, come on. Mercury is the sun's little bitch.
Blonde: Well then, what's the moon?
Redhead: Y'know, if you look at the sun, it can get bright sometimes.
--Elevator, Hotel Edison
Virgins Exist?
Mom, reading about unicorns to ten-year-old son: The unicorn was a symbol of Christ, its head in the virgin Mary's lap...
Son: Wait, wait, wait! Mary was a virgin?!
--Museum of Natural History, Mythic Creatures Exhibit
Men's Intuition, I Suppose
Teenage boy: I just realized I have not gotten laid, thus far in life.
Girl: When'd you come up with that?
--E 18th St & Ave J
Men Rightly Fear the Pitter Patter of Labia Minora
Girl #1: She yelled at me for being a stalker!
Girl #2: Why? What did you do?
Girl #1: I was following him with my eyes.
Girl #2: Oh! That's not so bad. It's not like you were actually following him, like... With your feet.
Girl #3: Or your vagina.
--Wagner College
Hobo Rule #293: Know Your Audience
Homeless man walking towards group of queers: Hey guys! "The sun'll come out..."
Queers, elated: "Tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun..."
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Didn't They Kick Beethoven Off the Charts?
Skinny 20-something guy: Before grunge there was nothing. The world was hungry for grunge.
Shorter 20-something guy: Yeah, I've just rediscovered Stone Temple Pilots
--F Train
Overheard by: Jen
Later He Affixed Some Rubber to Dampen His Impact on Her
20 something man, jumping up as seat collapses under him: You see?! That happens to me every time I stand up from sitting on them, too. I sit down KNOWING it's going to happen, but it always gets me.
20 something girlfriend: I know, I do the same thing.
20 something man: I mean, how hard would it be to affix some rubber or something so that it dampens the impact?
20 something girl: ...and doesn't scare everyone on the train.
20 something man: Yeah.
[Someone stands up from sitting on one at other end of train causing everyone to jump and look over.]
20 something girl: See, I'm sayin!
20 something man: Actually, I think I kinda like it. It's sort of organic, keeps you on your toes. You never know what the MTA will throw at you...
--2 Train
Overheard by: Ohiowatha
Are Boxes Supposed to Do That?
Woman #1: That Italian wine I got was gooooood!
Woman #2: Yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah! It popped open like a bottle of champagne!
--14th & 3rd
"Man Of Steel, Heels Of Helium"?
Conductor, over intercom: Conductor in the fifth car -are you top or bottom?
[well-built conductor walks through car to intercom to respond]
Gay commuter, upon seeing him: Oooh, I hope he's a bottom.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: MrStench
Thanks, Heteronormative Tourist!
Australian tourist: Excuse me, mate, do you know where Hooters is?
Guy: Yeah, go up to 56th, take a left. It's between 7th and Broadway on the right.
Australian tourist: Thanks mate!
Guy to friend: Hey, I just got taken for a straight New Yorker.
--54th St & Madison
Overheard by: The other gay Bostonian
The Emotional Distress Alone Will Cost You Four-Weeks' Allowance
Little boy #1: I'm going to smash your bike!
Little boy #2: Well, if you smash my bike, I'm going to get a lawyer and sue you!
--Central Park
If Not, It Didn't Officially Happen
Hipster girl: When I was sixteen I dated this Jewish bisexual guy... He was so Jewish he wore a yarmulke.
Hipster guy: Did you blog about it?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Fixed Rider