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May 2008 Archives
At Least They're Not Pedophile Glasses
Obnoxious Latino #1: Man, that guy was such a faggot! With that mohawk and those gay-ass glasses.
Obnoxious Latino #2: Hey, I'm wearing the same glasses.
[Silence.]
--1 Train
Hey, Ethan Hawke's Made a Career Out of That
Flyer guy, after trying to give suit a flyer: Hey man, nice tie.
Suit turns around: Thanks! Nice! [Looks flyer guy up and down.] Actually, you look like shit.
--71st & Continental, Forest Hills
I'll Have What She's Drinking
Eight-year-old girl drinking margarita: My daddy taught me in kindergarten, if any boys treat me like s-h-i-t, kick them in the dick!
[Five minutes later.]
Eight-year-old girl: I'm gonna kill myself!
--Mexican Restaurant near Union Square
In My Defense, You Are a Very Sir-able Ma'am
Lead singer of The Stitch Ups: What's your name, sir?
Audience member: Samantha.
Lead singer of The Stitch Ups: Holy shit!
--Blender Theater, Gramercy
Overheard by: we thought she was a dude, too...
A Garland's Still a Step Up from a Noose, Though
Woman #1: So our department keeps talking about how much they are trying to promote diversity and understanding of others, but get this, two weeks ago they put up garlands over the door! Like, that is so disrespectful to other religions! It gets better though, the next day they put up a plug-in menorah --somebody must have complained.
Woman #2: Oh...
Woman #1: You're not going to believe this though, just the other day they took down the menorah. How can they be so ignorant of other religions?
Woman #2: Well... Chanukah's over.
--120th & Amsterdam
Especially If She Puts the Toilet Seat Up
NYU undergrad #1: Last night I heard her like just pee for the first time.
NYU undergrad #2: Yeah, the first time you hear a girl pee for the first time it freaks your shit out!
--Waverly & Washington Square North
Everything Monkeys Do Is Gangstrous
Guy #1: That's so gangsta, bro!
Guy #2: What's so gangsta about it? They're just feeding monkeys.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Angelina Salgado
And Filmed It for the Kids
Male student orientation leader: Hi, did you masturbate today?
Female student orientation leader: Yes, I did!
--Orientation, Baruch College
I've Been Thinking About Getting Out of Mental Illness, Anyway
[A crazy man is running back and forth on the sidewalk and uses a blonde girl to 'hide' behind.]
Blonde: Excuse you!
Crazy man: What, you got a problem?!
Blonde, firmly: Yes. Could you stop being a weirdo around me?
Crazy man: Oh... Sorry. He then proceeded to walk normally to the crosswalk.
--57th & 9th
Overheard by: Not around me either
The Appeal Of Perez Hilton's Site: Encapsulated
Female prepster: ... And part of me is totally into really fucked up people with really fucked up problems.
Male prepster: Yeah. Me too. Totally, dude.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Justin Casement
Complimenting My Genitals Does Nothing to Contradict My Argument
Junior high kid: Nice bike, fag!
Guy on moped: Nice prepubescent penis, kid!
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Matthew
Instead of Going to a Third-World Country for That Stuff, Like I Do
Queer #1: Dude, I'm so broke! I never have any money!
Queer #2: That's because you buy coke and get your face lasered!
--Vlada
Overheard by: K to tha B
Nothing to Compete With That
Girl #1: What did you do last night?
Girl #2: Wandered around Goldman Sachs with a Sesame Street pillow. You?
Girl #1: Um...
--Tom's Diner, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
We Should Stop Hanging Around in Trees
Girl #1: You know how lemmings commit mass suicide?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?
--10th & 1st
Now-- Who Wants to Give Us Shit for Striking?
Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I've been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: "You better be getting out of my face!" and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.
--A Train
You Guys Are Like the Gay Abbott and Costello
[Heading towards the restaurant "Good".]
Gay guy #1: Where are we going again?
Gay guy #2: It's "Good".
Gay guy #1: What's good?
Gay guy #2: The name of the restaurant we're going to.
Gay guy #1: I asked you what it was.
Gay guy #3: Oh, we are so not doing this...
--The Village
Perhaps the Tie-Dye Onesie and Lennon Shades Were a Poor Idea
Overly enthusiastic white dad: What are you saying no to?
Toddler: No no no no no no no!
Overly enthusiastic white dad: Are you saying no to drugs?
Toddler: No no no no no no no!
Overly enthusiastic white dad: Are you not saying no to drugs? Are you doing drugs?
--73rd between Broadway and West End
Overheard by: UpperWestsidette
The Detrimental Effects of Early Childhood Exposure to Candyland
Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She's five.
--Line, Grace's Market Place
Cured It?
Little old lady #1: That one woman raised four girls all by herself!
Little old lady #2: Imagine what that did for her sex drive.
--St. James Theater
Overheard by: It only helps if she's an incestual pedophile.
Sometimes I Put a Cherry on Top, But It's Not the Same
Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I'd be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.
--8th St & Bedford Ave
Why, He's the Best Hostage Negotiator NYC Has to Offer
Guy #1: I'm serious about the slightly racist comments, they go a long way in jokes.
Guy #2: You can get away with it, she's your girlfriend.
Guy #1: Yeah if she gets really angry I just draw a penis or something saying "Hello *Jenny!" and then everything's okay.
--Eastchester & Morris Park
And Has to Sober Up to Drive Home
[Woman walks into restroom with two small girls. Girls notice puke on the floor.]
Girl #1: Mommy, what's that?
Mom: That's puke.
Girl #2: Why did she puke?
Mom: She probably didn't feel well. Mommy's going to do that later because mommy's had way too much to drink!
--T.G.I. Friday's, Staten Island
Overheard by: Did I just hear that?
Eh, Either That or Good & Plenty
Skanky punk girl: Aren't you guys a little 5th avenue for this place?...
Girl in scarf, excitedly: Ooooh, we're 5th avenue?
--MARZ Bar, 2nd Ave & 1st St.
Overheard by: Arthur
They Can Go on Like This for Hours
Four-year-old daughter to father: Will you buy me a beer?
Father: I don't know. Will you buy me a beer?
--82nd & Amsterdam
That's What You Said When You Pooped on the Subway
Mom: Let's go inside, these flies are driving me crazy.
Six-year-old daughter: But mom, it's nature.
--Sidewalk Cafe, 120th & Malcolm X
Because I'll Swallow Anything
Guy: That's the house George Washington grew up in.
Girl: Wait, really?
Guy: No, you dumb bitch. Why did I ever marry you?
--70th Ave, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: emma
Getting Blown Is More of a Guy Thing
20-something girl: I was standing there on the subway, and this guy blew on me! And I was like, "Um, what?" and he was like "You started it!" and kept blowing on me! I think he put a curse on me.
Friend: This is why I take cabs.
--4th & 6th
Why I Stuck Out My Cane in the First Place
[A lady running up subway stairs slips and falls]
Guy walking behind her: Are you okay?
Lady, rudely: Ugh... Mind your own business.
Guy: I'm glad you fell.
--Willoughby St & Myrtle Promenade
Overheard by: azzie
Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don't care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: I can't fucking take this shit.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Morel Farember
The People Who Film and Distribute It?
Teenage girl: But she sucks a lot of dick for money!
Teenage boy: At least she's getting paid! You suck a lot of dick for free! Who's the winner in that situation?
--153rd St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Emily
This Actually Makes Me Want to Have Kids
Eight-year-old brother speaking to four year old brother in high pitched witches voice: First I'll burn you to a black crisp in a huge oven, then I'll start with your flesh...
Four-year-old: What will it taste like?
Eight-year-old brother, without pausing: It will taste like a delicious steak, then I 'll eat your teeth and they'll taste like crackers! But your hair, your hair will be completely burned off.
Four-year-old: [Giggles maniacally.]
--C Train
Overheard by: never having kids
We Don't Rave with Good Dancers
Chick: What are you doing this weekend?
Guy: I'm going to a passover rave.
Chick: What the hell is a passover rave?
Guy: That's where we have a Seder, then drop ecstasy and go dancing.
Chick: That is so awesome. Can I come?
Guy: You're not Jewish.
--Waiting Room, Pacific College of Acupuncture Clinic
Overheard by: Colleen
It Stems Back to a Traumatic Experience Involving One of His Bitches
Salesperson to small shaking dog: Are you cold or scared?
Man holding small shaking dog: He's afraid of dildos.
--Babeland, LES
Or Straight
Boy: You know what, I don't know anyone who has such good taste in fashion as me, and I'm only twelve!
Mom: Honey, stop saying those things. People will think you're arrogant.
Girl: It's only arrogance if you're wrong.
--McDonald's, Times Square
No Autoerotic Asphyxiation Until You're a Teenager
[A small girl in scarf hands end of scarf to babysitter, who is on the phone. Babysitter absentmindedly holds scarf. Little girl pulls away.].
Babysitter: No, honey, we're going to go this way [tugs in other direction].
Little girl: But I want to choke myself!
Babysitter, not really paying attention: No, no...
Little girl: But I want to choke myself! [pulls away harder].
Babysitter, still vague: No, honey, that's bad...
--Grand Central Station
Those Bed Bugs Were the Only Ones Who Really Understood Me
Mother: ... And I cleaned your pillow cases...
Screaming child: No!
Mother: ... And your blankets...
Screaming child: No!
Mother: ... And your sheets!
Screaming child: No! No! No! [Cries.]
--Astoria
Overheard by: Almost too cold to laugh
Turning Against Your Fanbase?
Actor/giants fan: Tom Coughlin loves Sienfeld, and so they took Sienfeld off the air in Wisconsin! Can you believe that?
Anthony Rapp: Sienfeld is for white people.
--Theatre, 43rd & 8th
Patrick Swayze Has Fallen Upon Hard Times
Schoolboy to girl: You know you like him.
Schoolgirl to boy: No I don't! He's disgusting! I wouldn't let him even touch me or come near me... Well, unless we were dancing.
--6 Train
Overheard by: CSneed
You Can't Smoke It, Though
Idiot girl #1: Cloves taste so good!
Idiot guy: Yeah, I hear they are toasted or something.
Idiot girl #2: Oh, I love toast!
--33 Washington Square West
It Does for Sex What Beer Does for Dancing
Girl #1: So yeah, it's supposed to make you last really long and come like a horse.
Girl #2: Wow.
--FIT
Overheard by: C
Still Not As Funny As the White Boys, Though
Ghetto girl #1: Oh mah gah, you remember those two girls we saw at that one club last night?
Ghetto girl #2: Which ones? The ones who were trying to pop, lock, and drop it, when they was dropping it before they was locking it?
--Starbucks, Penn Station
Overheard by: Noah Tizzle
Like You'd Set Foot in Jersey Without Them?
Girl #1: We could drive out to New Jersey this weekend.
Guy: I'll chip in for gas.
Girl #2: I'll chip in for drugs.
--Pratt Institute
Aw Jeez, I'm Sorry --Don't Fuckin' Cry, Okay?
McSuit #1: Do you wanna head to the subway?
McSuit #2: You mean Subway, like the restaurant?
McSuit #1: No, I mean subway, like the fuckin' subway.
--7th & Bowery
Everyone Knows God Had Two Daddies
Teenage JAP #1: Oh, mother of God! Your kids are driving me insane!
Teenage JAP #2: There is no mother of God, you idiot.
--Jerusalem 2 Pizza, Ave J
Overheard by: Frombklyn
The College Students Were Given a Time-Out and the Train Proceeded on Its Course
College student to slow-ass friends, during morning rush hour commute: Hurry up! I'm holding open the doors for you!
Conductor: I'm very upset about this.
--6 Train
Overheard by: wb
Another Man Wonders If She's Worth It
Young guy: Hey, what do you think about interracial marriage?
Young girl: What, you mean like gay people?
Guy: [Stares at her blankly.] ... What?
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Raymond Saada
She Bought You That Vaginal Ointment You've Been Needing!
Lady over loudspeaker: Would a customer named *Amanda please report to checkout ten. *Amanda, please report to checkout ten.
[Pause of about 45 seconds.]
Lady over loudspeaker: *Amanda, please report to checkout ten. You mom is here and her back hurts.
--Pathmark-Atlantic Center Brooklyn
Overheard by: Bart Procacci
The Best Part of Waking Up Is Folgers in Your Sippy Cup
Six-year-old hippie girl to babysitter: If it's okay with you, can you take Tommy and I to Grey Dog, please?
Six-year-old preppy boy: What's "Grey Dog"?
Six-year-old hippie girl: My favorite coffee shop.
--Bleecker & 6th Ave
Headline by: chubba
Runners-Up:
· "By the Time She Was 13 She Had a Favorite Abortion Clinic." - DR G LUV
· "I Just Get The Cafe Au Breast Milk." - cbeck
· "If It Was 1908, She'd Be Working in a Textile Factory" - Nate
· "The Lattes Come with Biodegradable Crazy Straws" - Kristen
· "Their Mom Had Caffinated Breast Milk" - Josh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Give Her a Couple of Years, Diaghilev
Four-year-old, walking with father: I can spell "Ma-ma".
Father, to himself: Bitch didn't teach her how to spell my name, did she?
--9th St & 2nd Ave