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June 2008 Archives
A Few More Months in New York and You'll Learn Not to Admit That
Woman #1: Ooh. I like that top!
Woman #2: Thanks.
Woman #1: It's very Sex and the City. Where'd ya get it?
Woman #2: Penney's.
--Shuttle Train to Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Robert
Which Is to Say, No One Got Dollywood.
Southern tourist child: Daddy, was Jesus Dolly Parton's best friend too?
Southern tourist father: No, no one really loved Dolly Parton.
--34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Until I Fuck You with a Strap-On at Intermission
Girl #1: I was so impressed with him! He immediately identified me as bi. No one else had ever done that before.
Girl #2: I know. When I came out three months ago, I called everyone I knew, and they were all surprised.
Girl #1: And here we are at Hamlet, sitting here in dresses! No one will ever suspect!
--Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Storage Space Is a Major Issue in Manhattan
Guy: He is so stupid.
Girl: He isn't stupid, his brain is full.
--8th St & Greene
Doesn't He Live Inside All of Us or Some Shit?
Thin hipster: Man, 2pac is so fucking awesome.
Thinner hipster: Yeah, I guess. Dead role models don't do much for youth.
Thin hipster: What about Jesus, man?
Thinner hipster: Forgot about him. Whoops.
--D Train
It's No Trouble at All, Robin, When I've Got the Pussymobile!
Bookseller to black girl: Hey, stop -I want to get with you.
Black girl: You can't.
Bookseller: Why not?
Black girl: I got to go.
Bookseller: Where you be Friday night?
Black girl: Jersey.
Bookseller: A'ight. I be there.
Black girl: Too far for you.
Bookseller: I'll travel for pussy. I'm a travellin' man for pussy.
Bookseller's friend: You'd go to Jersey for pussy? That's some crazy desperate shit.
--Washington Place & 6th Ave
Overheard by: JCo
...It Was Just Age-Appropriate Erotic Play, Mom!
Mother, scolding six-year-old girl: No more kissing until... you're 27!
Little girl: But...
--74th & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Geography Seems Immaterial in the Presence of an Irish Wolfhound
Lost barhopper: Hey, do you guys know where MacDougal Street is?
Hipster: Oh, I'm sorry dude. I'm just looking at the size of the fucking dog over there.
--Bleecker & Jones
Overheard by: KNation
It's Part of the Elementary School Curriculum Here in New York
Drunken friend #1: That guy at the bar was hot. You totally should've taken him home.
Drunken friend #2: Why me? Let her (points to drunken friend #3) take him home.
Drunken friend #3 (trying to be discreet): Ummmm excuse me? I don't need a man. I have d-i-c-k at home.
Drunken friend #2: Uhh, the rest of the train can figure out what you just spelled.
--Crowded 6 Train
Overheard by: ear hustler
I Never Told You About the Jar on My Desk?
Suit #1: Good thing my girlfriend had an abortion, or I'd have a 16-year-old kid right now.
Suit #2: Yeah? I never heard this story.
--F Train
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: kasey
Runners-Up:
· "Haven't You Ever Asked About My Framed Coathanger?" - Ian
· "Jesus; Always the Son, Never the Father" - benny blanco
· "Lifetime Wasn't Interested" - Emily Leonard
· "Neither Did My Wife..." - phox
· "Once Upon a Vacuum..." - blistexaddict
· "Well Jimmy, When a Man and Woman Like Sex Without Commitments...." - mkp-hearts-nyc
· "Your Wife Was Pretty Insistent I Never Tell You" - Greg Costello
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Love the New York Public Library
Excited college kid #1: Dude! We are totally going back there!
Excited college kid #2: Definitely.
Excited college kid #1: Hash, 'shrooms, a shitload of pot... We are getting fucked up this weekend and then we're going back there for more!
Excited college kid #2: Yessssss.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: wondering where there is.
Luckily My Wife's Into That
Female fan (after seeing Tom Wopat in A Catered Affair): You remind me of my father.
Tom Wopat (in New York accent): I'm like everyone's father.
--Stage Door, Kerr Theater
Overheard by: Andi C.
She Looks Kinda Tough Though
Girl #1: If you could eat anyone, who would it be?
Girl #2: Famous, or people we know?
Girl #1: Ummm... famous. And then people we know.
Girl #2: Gabrielle Reece.
Girl #1: Yeah, good call.
--Cafeteria, 18th & 7th
I Find Starvation Heightens His T-Ball Game
Girl #1: Look at these pictures.
(girl #2 starts to look at pictures)
Girl #2: Oh look, my son looks like one of those... uhhh... hmmm...? I forgot what they are called.
Girl #1: A hungry child?
Girl #2: Yeaaaah, like one of those kids from a third world country.
--Buhre Avenue, Bronx
Overheard by: DaILList4Ever
'Two Coasts'? That's Just Crazy Talk!
Blonde #1: I met Kelly in Portland.
Blonde #2: Which Portland?
Blonde #1: What are you talking about?
Blonde #2: Well there are two: one on the east coast, one on the west coast.
(long silence)
Blonde #1: You know, it's not funny to lie all the time like that.
--Houston St
And the McDonald's Down the Block Has Fajitas Now
Tourist to desk clerk: We are looking for some good authentic Mexican food, do you recommend the little place next door?
Desk clerk: No, if you want real Mexican food, there's a Chipotle around the corner.
--Comfort Inn, Times Square
The Etymology of "Pegging"?
Kid #1, to kid #2 on bike: Come on, let me ride on the pegs.
Kid #2: No.
Kid #1: Fine, I'll ride you.
--129th St, Rockaway
Overheard by: Robert
The Invisible Hand Behind Subway "Accidents"
Wall Street guy #1: So I was watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and my son asked: "Dad, what's a lesbian?" I mean, I wish I could tell him about it when he's ready.
Wall Street guy #2: Yeah, so anyway. They have these only boys and only girls birthday parties for the little kids down at Fire Island...
Wall Street guy #1: So you think the parties turn them into lesbians?
Wall Street guy #2: No, I'm just trying to segue into talking about something other than... (looks around train suspiciously) lesbians.
--Downtown 6 Train
Boys and Girls Are Different
Girl #1: God, I hate professional basketball. The other night I was hanging out with some guys and they were like: "The playoffs are on!" and I was like: "Yea, so is The Hills."
Girl #2 (disgusted): Ugh, you watch that?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Actually, so do I.
--MJ Armstrong's Public House
Pedro Does Undercover Work for Moms Throughout the Tri-State Area
Mother: Honey, your dress is just too low. I know you don't mean to, but when you wear things that show that much of you, you attract the wrong kind of men.
Scary Mexican man sitting across: Oh honey, you definitely do.
(girl hastily pulls her dress up)
--1 Train
Overheard by: Anna
So Stop Whining and Come Along to Starbucks
Little tourist kid: Daddy, I want to go ice skating!
Tourist dad: I swear to god, you can go ice skating back in El Paso!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: liag
Still Hoping I Don't Go to College, Aren't You?
(man instructing son to stay in the crosswalk)
Man: Don't wander off into the street.
Son: Why? Why do I have to stay between the lines?
Man: Stay between the lines and you'll be rich. You'll be rich.
Son: What do you mean?
Man: It means you get paid if a car hits you.
--Surf Ave & Stillwell Ave
Overheard by: Amanda Haag
What Have You Been Doing with Your Big Toe, Anyway?
Thug #1: It is on fire, I swear! I cannot walk around anymore.
Thug #2: Dude, just because it itches doesn't mean it's an STD.
--Observation Deck, Empire State Building
Overheard by: StrikeForceAwesome
Your Neck Gets Stiff Keeping Your Nose in the Air
Lady: Yeah, I mean I'm looking for something that is a fit for me. Ya know, you're either an East Side girl or a West Side girl... there's really no in-between.
Real estate agent: Right, right, I understand. That's why I'm here.
Lady: Because you know, I don't want to be surrounded by frat bros and their yoga moms.
Real estate: Understandable, I wouldn't subject anyone to that.
--Starbucks, 57th & Lexington
Overheard by: trying to get caffeine fix
And Mr Cheney Is a Terrible Dancer
Teen #1: Yo, that machete nigga was dancin' with Hitler in heaven!
Teen #2: Yo, with Hitla?!
Teen #3: Oh, shit!
--Malcolm X & Lafayette, Brooklyn
Overheard by: off white
Guess She Got Bored of the Ping-Pong Balls?
Drunk girl: So, have you heard from her?
Drunk guy: No, she's too busy popping out fetuses. She pops out a fetus like every week!
--57th & 9th
Overheard by: Cori
Damn the Fire Swamp and Its Quicksand!
Animated queer: I knew Rachel was going to fall into the trap! I just knew it. I said to myself: "She's going to fall into the trap!" and then she showed up, and I told her, "Rachel. Girl, don't fall into the trap!" and what did she do?
Female companion: She fell into the trap!
--Church St & Vesey
Overheard by: Manhattman
Madonna Did Not Heed the Old Hobo's Advice
Hobo: Hello.
Girl: Um... Hello.
Hobo: (gives girl some coins and smiles) You look like a nice girl. Don't become a whore.
Girl: Um... Thanks, I guess.
--6 Train
Overheard by: April
Why It's Best Just to Play Video Games with Your Kids
Child #1: Daddy! You'll fall backwards!
Dad: What?
Child #1: You'll fall backwards!
Dad: No, I won't.
Child #2: Or we'll push you!
--Belvedere Castle
Even General Powell?
Big black guy #1: Yo, does anybody know where we get off to go uptown?
White passenger: The next stop.
Big back guy #1: Yo, everyone shut up and listen to the white nigga! He's givin' us directions!
Big black guy #2: Ain't no such thing as a white nigga, fool!
--F Train
A Gift That Keeps on Giving
13-year-old girl: Oh my god, you and Isabel have a new inside joke?
Friend: Oh my god, you check my Facebook wall like everyday, don't you?
13-year-old girl: Yeah, I do. Didn't you see that I sent you a new bumper sticker? It says "I respect your sluttiness."
--Darkened Bathroom, Bat Mitzvah Party
I'll Believe in Him When I See Him on YouTube
Puppeteer: Do you know who Benjamin Franklin is?
Little boy: There's no such thing as Benjamin Franklin!
--McDonald's, 9th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ian
They Come in Black, Right?
Metrosexual guy: Oh, there were babies everywhere in there.
JAP #1: I know, babies are so trendy!
JAP #2: I have to get one.
--Outside Anthropology, 5th Ave
Overheard by: population control
Really? Because It Looks Nice
Girl #1: Ooh look, a new Whole Foods!
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: It looks nice. Have you been inside?
Girl #2: Yep, I've been inside.
Girl #1: How was it?
Girl #2: It was nice.
--E Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: Ryan St.Clair
Because of the Fucking Line at Starbucks?
Man #1: Did I tell you how fucking pissed off I was last night?
Man #2: No.
Man #1: I was fucking pissed off last night. Really bad.
--43rd St b/w Lexington & 3rd
No-Legged Hobos: "We Feel Sorry for Staten Islanders"
Girl #1: No one likes him... I feel bad for him.
Girl #2: I feel bad for the homeless people in the city who have no legs.
--Staten Island Mall
Especially One Who Owns Penn Station
Old Chinese lady: No luggage allowed. Leave it outside. This is my building! I own it!
(College kid, obviously from out of town, leaves in fear)
Old Chinese lady: Puta!
(college kid scurries away)
College kid on cell: Yeah, I did what they say on Law & Order. Never make eye contact with a New Yorker.
--Penn Station Entrance
Overheard by: kash
Avenue of the Americas Is Where Julia Roberts Shopped in Pretty Woman
Tourist wife (looking at map): Avenue of the Americas... That's the one with all the stars and the handprints in the cement, right?
Tourist husband (with a tone of superiority): No, that's Broadway.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Caroline
It's a Possibility That Increases By the Second, Ma'am
Souvenir photographer: Please step down, ma'am. We are taking photos of everyone before we board.
Passenger: Is this in case I die?
--Pier 83
...And Resulted in the Freeing of the Slaves
Frat guy #1: So how do you think you did on your history exam?
Sorostitute: I don't want to talk about it.
Frat guy #1: Oh come on, it can't be that bad.
Frat guy #2: She thought World War II happened in the 1970s.
--NYU
Overheard by: Seriously.
You Also Said That About the Hotel Concierge and Our Cabbie
Old woman: Take a picture of me with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their son.
Young woman: Mom, the black kid isn't a wax figure.
Old woman: Well, she just keeps adopting them, I thought it was her son!
--Madame Tussaud's
Overheard by: Julie
Or Check Out My Ad on That Bench
Random woman: I'm a well known prostitute here in New York.
Random man: Oh really? You're well-known around here?! Says who?!
Random woman: Ask anyone!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: Paula
Or She's Participating in Some Sort Of Emotional Scavenger Hunt
Middle-aged girl #1: Yes, she was sincerely apologetic for the things that she'd done, and she really took responsibility for them.
Middle-aged girl #2: She must have a new therapist.
(both nod sagely)
--1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
Referencing Obscure Things Is What We Do, Babe
Hipster girl: You know, I'll find out if you're lying. Then I'll kill you.
Hipster guy: Yeah, I'm sure you could, Magnum P.I.
Hipster girl: (blank stare)
Hipster guy: You know? Private investigator? In Hawaii? It was a TV show in the 80s? Tom Selleck?
Hipster girl: If you're just going to keep referencing obscure things this conversation isn't going to go anywhere.
--F Frain
But Time Warner Owns the Rights to Him
Asian girl #1: Yeah, did you know that Hallmark just like, made up Valentine's Day? Seriously, there really was no Saint Mark... I mean, Saint Nicholas.
Asian girl #2: Umm, Saint Nicholas was Christmas.
Asian girl #1: Well, whatever his name was. He's really Hallmark.
--NYU
Overheard by: erin
Meta-Arguing Doesn't Count
Woman #1: No! I'm not going to tell you. You'll just want to argue about it.
Woman #2: What?! I won't argue, just tell me!
Woman #1: Definitely not telling you!
Woman #2: Why not?!
Woman #1: You always want to argue!
Woman #2: I won't argue!
(woman #1 laughs out loud)
--10th St & Ave B
Overheard by: ears wide open
Just When You Thought the Post Office Line Couldn't Be More Intolerable...
Elderly man: Looking at you brings a song to my head.
Elderly woman: Is it a song from Carousel?
Elderly man: Yes. (pause) I'm a good singer, I'll sing it for you. (starts to sing).
--Post Office, Lexington & 3rd Ave
But I Thought He Was Onto Something When He Blamed the Muppets for 9/11
Homeless guy: Fuck Gary Cicbdman!
Dude #1: Did he just say Gary Oldman or Gary Coleman?
Dude #2: Does it matter? Either way he's fucking nuts.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: brad
A Sociopolitical Justification for Post-Modern Man's Thirst for Pee?
American grad student: Should I be in a fetish video?
French grad student: What would be the point?
American grad student: What do you mean? It's a fetish video.
French grad student: But what would be the point? What's the thesis?
--Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: The Evil Triangle
You Have Chosen Wisely
Lady: Do you sell falafel?
Vendor: Ah! Falafel is gyro, gyro is falafel!
Lady: Falafel is chick peas. Gyro is meat.
Vendor: Falafel is bullshit!
Lady: I'll have a gyro.
--Canal & Greene
Overheard by: Melina the Sad Falafel
And If You Could Hand Over Your Wallet and Jewelry, That Would Be Awesome
Woman, after knocking over and resetting a large display: Hey, was it set up like this before?
Man behind cash register, counting cash: Oh, I don't know, I don't even work here.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: pete
But You Were Throwing Confetti While You Said It
Ditzy college girl: Yeah, but I'm like a fun drunk, right?
Guy (serious): Ummm... Well, you were kind of saying that life has no meaning and that it's not worth living.
Ditzy college girl: What?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gaby
Have You Forgotten Fran Drescher?
Chinese coworker: Hey, you're wearing makeup today!
Jewish coworker: Yeah, I had a little extra time this morning.
Chinese coworker: But I thought Jewish people couldn't wear makeup?
Jewish coworker: Huh!?
--Office Building, 26th & 11th
Um, Plate Tectonics?
Large black woman with large black turban: I am a full blooded Navajo Indian, I have the right to be here on this sidewalk!
Cop she's arguing with: Well, wait a minute. You just said you were going home to Ethiopia. How the hell can you be a Navajo?
--6th Ave b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: Ben Goldman
I'd Be Home Recuperating Right Now If It Weren't Vitally Important That I Shop
Wannabe socialite #1: God, I hate everyone in this part of town.
Wannabe socialite #2: I know, right? I mean... they walk so slowly, and talk so much nonsense.
(pause)
Wannabe socialite #1: The coke hangover can't help though, can it?
Wanna be socialite #2: Definitely not.
--Broadway & Spring
I'm Sure a Hobo Has One Out Somewhere in the Store
Five-year-old boy to mother: It smells like penis in here!
Embarrassed mother: "Peanuts". Honey, you mean "peanuts".
Five-year-old boy: No. Penis! (points to his crotch)
--Duane Reade in Penn Station
Overheard by: Dawn D.
Stephen Hawking Gets a Bum Rap
Dumb hipster girl #1: That genius is so hot.
Dumb hipster girl #2: He gets more ass than a toilet seat. He has a lot of STDs. I read about him on williamsboard. There is like a 200 response thread about him and his STDs.
Dumb hipster girl #1: Well so do I.
Dumb hipster girl #2: What?
--Apple Store, 59th & 5th
Though It Was Kinda Awkward with Everyone at the Coffeeshop Staring at Us
Girl #1: Who were you on a date with last night?
Girl #2: My ex-boyfriend.
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Yeah, we call it a date when we hang out so none of our friends will bother us or lecture us. Everyone always assumes we're just having sex.
Girl #1: Wait, so didn't you have sex?
Girl #2: Well, yeah, but we didn't want to be bothered!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: i will not bother you
Oh Maybe God!
Hipster chick #1: You know the girl I was telling you about, who didn't even know what "agnostic" means?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah. That stupid bitch!
--30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: reverie
Headline by: Coyoty
Runners-Up:
· "Blessed Are the Stupid Bitches, for They Shall Infuriate the Self-Righteous" - Cyrious Garnetski
· "I Believe That We Can Never Know If She Is a Stupid Bitch or Not." - Hysterical Woman
· "I Hope She Burns In... Nothingness" - Meg
· "To Be Precise, She Said There Was No Way to Know What Agnostic Means" - Barry P.
· "Why Nuns Have Few Friends" - seven5suited
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And It Makes You Look Cool
Woman: So, how is your relationship?
Man: Well, my relationship is kind of like cigarettes for you. It's not so good for you but you kind of need something to put in your mouth.
--Caravan of Dreams, 6th St b/w 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: Stoop
The Only Circumstance Under Which White Men Jump
Crowd watching Indiana Jones trailer: Yeah! Woo hoo!
Young black guy (legitimately surprised): Damn! That whip drives the white folks crazy!
--Court Street Multiplex, Brooklyn
Overheard by: iiams
Further Inquiry Will Not Enhance Your Dining Experience
Corpulent tourist: What kind of hot dogs do you have?
Annoyed vendor: Hot dogs!
--Times Square
Overheard by: kat
Wednesday One-Liners Are in It for the 72 Virgins
Hobo: The best way to fight terrorism is not with guns and bombs, but with beer and porno. Beer and porno!
--34th & 3rd
Man walking a black terrier to woman walking a brown terrier: Do you think the word "terrorist" came from the word "terrier"?
--22nd & 2nd
Grand Central loudspeaker: Will Tommy the Terrorist please report to the information desk... Tommy the Terrorist please report to the information desk.
--Grand Central Food Court
Overheard by: Reilly
Black guy: How the fuck can you curse a stadium? With a shirt? How the fuck do you do that? Tell me how that's done! Y'all warlocks and shit? Ain't no one can curse no one else. Cause none of you are warlocks! And if you were a fucking warlock why you cursing the fucking Yankees? Fuck, why don't we curse Bin Laden? Send him a shirt?
--Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Mom to child: You'll either become a terrorist or a smelly homeless person! (child lowers his head in shame)
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Passerby
Hobo: Bush is a terrorist. Him and his father blew up WTC. (looks at Asian man) Jackie Chan is my friend. When you go to Hong Kong, tell him I said hi.
--7 Train
Those Who Can't Do, Wednesday One-Liner
English teacher: Alright class, let us come together and share our lists of literary terms. (pause) Just so we're clear, "Lolcat" is not a literary term.
--Stuyvesant High School
Math teacher: Does everyone get why I can just get rid of the 8 in this equation? Because I'm just looking for an answer. (takes a deep sigh) ...Aren't we all?
--Hunter College High School
Math teacher: We might start this unit tomorrow--maybe not. Depends on how my jury duty goes. I just need to keep convincing them that I have no faith in the criminal justice system.
--Hunter College High School
Teacher: No excuses, we do not climb the walls!
--PS 234
Overheard by: sjhaughty
English teacher: It was the year after they invented college and I was in college...
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
English teacher: I love going to the supermarket because I love scaring little kids. I'll be like: "Hellooo little boy," and he'll run away screaming. Ah, I love shopping.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Wednesday One-Liners Are Dimmer Than a Flintstones Night Light
Gay guy to friend: I may be gay but I'm not stupid.
--The Flame Diner, 58th St & 9th Ave
Woman to man: But they were only stopping the dumbasses... That's why they stopped your dumb ass.
--W 66th St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
(Blonde is having trouble hailing cab during rush hour)
Gypsy cab driver in town car: No one will take you cuz you're stupid!
--116th & Broadway
20-something guy to girl: It's eleven and it will take you till one to get home, then I'll call you and tell you how stupid you are.
--4th St Subway Station
Overheard by: Glad I'm not dating him
Girl: Alexis, we've been over this. You're stupid.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Crosby
Bimbette, yelling into cell: Yo! Look who you're talking to--I'm not exactly the smartest person in the world!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: dumb as a rock
Wednesday Still Remember When You Could One-Liner in Bars
Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?
--Prince St
Overheard by: Kristen W.
Flight attendant on PA: We'd like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.
--British Airways Flight to Heathrow
Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Dude: I've been smoking since I came out of my mom's cooch.
--Hop Scotch Cafe
Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.
--4 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Christine
Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let's go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.
--Intermission, Rent
Wednesday One-Liners Will Bust a Cap in Your Ass
Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don't know that.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Two Fingaz
Dude: You're starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad's video.
--Inwood
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Latina teenager to friend: I don't know why we can't be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let's have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!
--Rush Hour, L Train
Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I've got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn't have said that out loud.
--32nd & 6th
Overheard by: sromeo
Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn't even call up to find out if I was dead."
--126th & Lenox
Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.
--34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Rent Controlled
Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don't understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.
--6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Happen
Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!
--50th b/w 8th & 9th
Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit."
--W 4th
Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?
--Apple Store, 5th Ave
Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I'll shit when I gotta shit, and that's the way this is gonna go!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They're free because their employees get paid shit!
--53rd & 7th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Do the Vatican Rag
Suit on cell: No, I'm not coming in today...I'm on the Upper East Side. There's all this traffic from the Pope's "Don't sodomize the kids" world tour.
--83rd & Lex
Guy at bar: Most Popes hate Jews.
--6th and D
Gamer kid: Yeah, I was in DC this weekend with the Pope... Yeah, I saw that muthafucka.
--218th & Park Terrace West
Overheard by: Kelley
Old lady, about young girl: Oh, she looks nice. She's wearing Pope shoes.
--Carmine St
Overheard by: arctinus
Wednesday One-Liners (Sing Along If You Know the Words)
Crazy hobo (to the tune of Elvis' Hound dog): Ain't nothing but a hound dog! (mutters next two lines) And you never fuck a rabbit in the ass, cause that's just a waste of time!
--E 4th St & 2nd Ave
Man, to the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time: I need to pee out of my urethra.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Noelle
Guy in back of the bus wearing headphones and singing: (almost inaudible) I wanna die...I just wanna die.
(everyone stares at him)
Guy: (almost inaudible) I wanna die... I wanna dieeeeeeee.
--Bx 9 Bus, Fordham Plaza
Overheard by: Krisztina, sitting right in front of him
Homeless guy singing while shaking paper cup full of change: Oh me, oh my... There goes perfection. Oh me, oh my... Here comes an erection.
--13th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: rolf
Young Hispanic man singing to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven: And there's a wino down the road!
--E train
Overheard by: In_the_Shadows
Crazy hobo signing to two passing women: Vaaaggiiinnnaaa... Vaaagggiiiinnaaaa. (stretches out his neck towards them and emphasizes) Vaaaaggggiiiiinnnaaaaaa!
--Near NYU
Overheard by: Joe
Some Potty Humor, Courtesy of Wednesday One-Liners
Lady suit: Do you think anyone would notice if I just popped a squat and urinated everywhere?
--Port Authority
12-year-old girl: And then... He, like... peed in my mouth. It was kinda gross.
--Eddie's Sweet Shop
Overheard by: Yorick
Man peeing on the street: Watch the stream, watch the stream!
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Maya G.
Black guy to coworker: What about that golden shower I had the other night?
--NYU Weinstein Dining Hall
Middle-aged convention female attendee: I didn't know that urinals flushed. Did you know urinals flushed? Who would have thought?
--Javits Convention Center
Overheard by: Hector
Drunk man to embarrassed friend: Did I tell you about the time I peed on a bum? For real, I did! I was just taking a leak and looked down like: "Oh shit, is that a person?" He looked up on me and said: "Hey, you just peed on me!" And I did! I peed on him! Then I put myself in his shoes like: "What if someone peed on me?" I'd be pissed! That's some fucked up shit, man. So I gave him ten bucks.
--A Train
Wednesdays and the One-Liners Who Hate Them
Girl to friend: That's because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
--Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn't hate having sex with her so much.
--W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I'm going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
--Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can't fucking believe her! I can't even hate her, right? If she'd just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
--Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend's mother hates me. She hates me because I'm out of work ... And I shoot up in her house.
--7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
--Port Washington Train
Life Is Like a Box of Wednesday One-Liners...
Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don't even wanna live in it!
--F Train
Overheard by: LC
Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That's just the way things are. Life is unfair.
--Amtrak Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word "vagina". That time has passed.
--Staten Island Supreme Court
Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you're late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we're getting there.
--2 Train
Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?
It's Not You, It's Wednesday One-Liners
Guy to friends: They broke up... He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.
--Stone St.
Overheard by: Jen
Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?
--F Train
Overheard by: dianora
13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That's so cruel! Um, can I date him?
--Thompson Street, The Village
Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!
--8th St Park
Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don't like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it's the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that's great!
--Outside the Frick Museum
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don't leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back... Please! (pause) Okay, but I'm keeping the deposit!
--E 4th Street
Overheard by: Nima Shirazi
Why Bill Cosby Stopped Wearing Those Sweaters
Girl in geometrical dress: Whoa!
Girl in solid print dress: What?!
Girl in geometrical dress: I just looked down at my dress and got so dizzy!
--Park Ave & 40th St
Good--Then You've Passed the Test
Super-drunk girl to girlfriend: Let's make out!
Not-so-drunk girl: (awkward laughter)
Super-drunk girl: (loud drunken laughter) Wanna make out?
Not-so-drunk girl: Not at all!
--1st Ave b/w 7th & 8th
Why Puppies Need Social Workers
Sassy black lady to a dog on a leash connected to a man lounging in a chair: Oh you're just precious! You are a good looking puppy! She's beautiful!
Man in chair (matter-of-factly): I'm so drunk.
--Water & Fulton
Overheard by: Angie
No New York Jury Would Convict Me of Murdering Her
Guy, to girl: ...and when I told her it was an espresso she said she hadn't ordered that. She said she had ordered coffee.
Guy and girl, at the same time: An espresso is coffee!
Guy: And then she said: "Can I get some milk for this?"
Girl: Oh my god, are you serious?
--Astor Place
Overheard by: Hannah
We Paid a Lot of Money to Get You Into That School for Mutes
Two-year-old boy: Mom, I missed you a lot in school.
Mother: Don't talk.
--Pizza Place, 86th & Broadway
Overheard by: eliza
My Political Views Are Purely Facial-Hair Based
Young guy in green polo: If he wasn't a moron and wanted to kill the Jews, I would have voted for Hitler.
Young guy in blue button-down: Yeah, me too!
--Grey Papaya's, 8th St & 6th Ave
Lucille Ball: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
20-something girl: I thought you said this walk was only fifteen minutes?
Eastern European guy: This is a walk of shame! Walk of shaaaame.
20-something girl (looking sad): That isn't what this is, is it?
--Dunkin Donuts, Nostrand and Lafayette
Overheard by: Kire
It Was the Maple Syrup That Pushed Josh Over the Edge
Dad, to four-year-old son: That's great, send you off to school all jacked-up on chocolate chip pancakes.
Four-year-old: Jack up! Jack up! Jack off!
--SoHo Breakfast Cafe
Overheard by: dylan
That Was 40K a Year Well-Spent
Guy on microphone, chanting: NYU! NYU!
Girl: What are they spelling?
--NYU Grad Alley
Overheard by: Proud to not be an NYU student
Work with Your Classmates? What the Hell Kind of Exam Is This?
Professor: So as I've said the exam will be open book, and you can work with your classmates.
Student: Is it open book?
Professor: Ahhhh... I'm tired, and I need a martini.
--NYU Classroom
What About Ciara Mist?
Whole Foods employee #1: Yo man, do you know if we have any Kanye pepper?
Whole Foods employee #2: Nah, I think we're out.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Darling Pinky
The Drugs Might Have Something to Do With It
Asian girl: She said she let him do her in the butt for drugs!
Asian guy: That's weird because she's so conservative.
--E 9th St
Some Even Sleep With Women
Gay Asian #1: The guys here are really different from the guys I see in the East Village.
Gay Asian #2: Well, all the guys here have jobs.
Gay Asian #1: Oh... True.
--Vlada, Hell's Kitchen
Then I Hop Back Into My Time Machine and Leave 1997
Hipster chick: What are you listening to?
Friend: Sarah McLachlan. Are you mad? Sometimes I listen to Jewel too.
--4 Train
If Mel Brooks Were a Food Vendor
Food vendor: What would you like?
Customer: What is the difference between a knish and a hot dog?
Food vendor: A knish is delish and the hot dog is a hot dog.
Customer: A knish is delish? Well, I will have the knish please.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Tang
Wasn't That What We Agreed Upon Online?
[Teenage girl spills water and it soaks guy's pants.]
Wet pants boy: My pants are wet!
Girl: Well, what did you expect from me?
Wet pants boy: Not to get my pants soaking wet, that's what!
--Diner, Upper East Side
He'll Give Me a Glass Slipper. I'll Think It's a Hat. We'll Laugh and Laugh
Black girl #1: I wanna date a white boy. One that looks like a skater.
Black girl #2: No, not me. I want an intellectual, so I could act all ignorant around him and he'd still love me.
--158th & St Nicks
Overheard by: jay r.
Love Is Nothing Fancy, Sweetie
Girlfriend: And ya know what? Just fuck you, okay? If that's what you think, fuck you!
(Boyfriend sneezes)
Girlfriend: Bless you.
Boyfriend: Thank you.
Girlfriend: Awwwww... that's the nicest conversation we've ever had!
--Central Park
When My Fingers Have That Problem You Call It a Crime
Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I have a problem keeping my fingers out of my vagina.
Guy friend (to her back): Wow. You have never been hotter.
--Madison Square Garden
Martin Luther: Really?
Loud teenage guidette: He doesn't date!
Ugly teenage guidette: Yeah, he's gay or something. I heard---yeah.
Loud teenage guidette: No, no, he's protestant---like religious. They worship this Chinese guy...
Ugly teenage guidette: Oh, I heard about that! They don't date?
Loud teenage guidette: They don't date white people.
--Starbucks
But It Was Her Deathbed Request!
College student #1: Yeah, I pissed on her, but she was old.
College student #2: It doesn't matter! You fuckin' pissed on a girl!
College student #1: But she was old!
College student #2: Old... young... It doesn't matter! You pissed on a bitch!
--Canal St & Church St
Overheard by: Kenny Gay
And Thus, the Backwards Cowgirl Was Born
Girl: What do you want me to do? I can do anything, that's why I get acting jobs.
Boy: I can't think of anything.
Girl: I can do anything; I can do anything you want me to do and I can do it well.
--69th St
Headline by: Moon
Runners-Up:
· "And Yet, You're Not on Your Knees..." - Katie Darling
· "Before You Pick Up the Hooker, Have a Plan" - CV
· "Kim Possible Breaks Out the Dirty Talk" - john
· "Like Getting Me a Drink Menu?" - phox
· "Looks Like I Just Might Finally Get My Roof Fixed" - engsci
· "Portrait Of the Densest Boy on Earth" - samson
· "Sally's Gaydar Works Again!" - Sara Irene
· "Save It for the Next Election, Hillary" - NR
· "What Does a Girl Have to Do to Become a Fag Hag Around Here?" - rudy valahan
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Children Learn to Stop Giving Warnings
Small child: I'm going to bite you, mom!
Mom: No, wait till we get off the train.
--1 Train
After Experimenting, Goldilocks Finds a Religion That's Just Right
Guy #1: Y'know, I really just need to get it through her head that there's nothing wrong with waking up naked in a Jewish synagogue.
Guy #2: Yeah... I feel that, man.
Guy #1: I mean, now that it's happened more than once, she really needs to realize that it's okay.
--NYU Gallatin Elevator
There's Always Something New to Say About Boobs
Guy: I hate coming-of-age stories.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They're boring.
Girl: Yeah, but this one has boobs in it.
--F Train
Overheard by: kim
If You Don't Share with Him
(mom yelling at six-year-old son playing with several magazines)
Mom: Eric, let's go now!
Eric: But Mom, I want one!
Mom: For Christ's sake! Just take one and let's go.
(Eric takes Gay Life)
Mom: Your father is going to kill you.
--80th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Schatz
So Many Possible "Jam" and "Spread" Jokes--The Mind Reels
JAP #1: I hate boys who won't kiss you after you go down on them.
JAP #2: Yeah, I know. But I don't kiss boys after they go down on me.
JAP #1: That's awful! If he can handle it, you should too.
JAP #2: But it's so bitter! I'm just saying: if they sold a jam the flavor of my vagina, I would not buy it.
--27th & 5th
Hag Recruiting Starts With an Attack on the Candidate's Self-Esteem
Flamboyant NYU guy: Oh my gosh! I haven't seen you in so long!
Ditzy NYU girl: I know, right? Oh my god!
Flamboyant NYU guy: This is, like, so weird! I was just thinking about you!
Ditzy NYU girl: Aw, cute! When?
Flamboyant NYU guy: I was all alone at home on Friday night and feeling really depressed and then I realized you probably didn't have any plans either! That made me feel better!
Ditzy NYU girl: Hah... Wait, what?
--W. 4th & Greene St
Overheard by: jon
According to the Best-Seller How to Be Fat and Live in New York
Skinny girl: I may see if she can drive me to Target later.
Friend: She has a car?
Skinny girl: Yeah, it's the only way to be fat and live in New York.
--Williamsburg
Isn't It One of the Words on the Statue Of Liberty?
Student: I tried to write my Spanish essay but I don't know how to say "bitch" in Spanish.
Professor: You live in New York and you don't even know that?
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Guy
A Toxic Shock for the Bystanders
Girl #1: When she was up on stage, she totally pulled her tampon out and threw it into the crowd.
Girl #2: That's sick!
Girl #1: I think it's so cool. I've always wanted to do that.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Mike
The Spice Girls Finally Spell It All Out
Way too loud girl: I mean, if you want my poontang you gotta get my friends drunk too!
Friends: Word!
--6th Ave & Grand St
While You're Stuck With Tattoos Forever
Guy: My wife doesn't like my tattoos.
Woman next to him: I've always thought that marriage should be like a driver's license. You can either renew it after five years... or not.
--F Train
When Trannies Slip in New York, It's the High Heels
Mom: Yeah, he said trannies really aren't his thing, so I guess we'll have to ask someone else.
Daughter: Wait, what?
Mom: You know, transmissions. Why, what did you think?
Daughter: Ummm...
--JFK
Overheard by: trooshieb
Mass Suffering Is the New Black
Female employee #1: Have you seen the "Save Darfur" shirts? I want one.
Female employee #2: No.
(after ten minutes)
Female employee #1: See? Here's the "Save Darfur" shirt. I really want one.
Female employee #2: What's that?
Female employee #1: "Save Darfur".
Female employee #2: What?
Female employee #1: You know, in Africa, where all that genocide is happening...
Female employee #2: Oh. (pause) I love the color!
Female employee #1: Yeah.
--Dressing Room, Urban Outfitters, 72nd Street & Broadway
Overheard by: ewg
Or at Harvard Business School
Customer: What happened to your hair?
Male barista (showing off haircut): Locks of love... locks of love.
Customer: So... someday I'll wear your hair in a play?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Maggie
I've Heard They Have Over 100 Different Words for It
Girl: I never read Ragtime.
Guy: Really? I enjoyed it very much.
Girl: Well, I tried to read it, but my older sister saw me with it and freaked. She took it away and was all "There are Eskimos masturbating in this!"
Guy: Well, they need to have fun too, you know.
--Stuyvesant High School
If You Do the Allstate Gesture Again I'm Gonna Smack You
Asian guy to girlfriend: That's the best part about being in a relationship.
White girlfriend: Sandwiches?
Asian guy: Always having an extra pair of hands.
--49th St Station
Overheard by: missalicious
Um...Yes
(guy sits next to perfect stranger)
Guy: Are you dating someone?
Girl: No.
Guy: Can I have your number?
Girl: No.
Guy: Is it because I'm black?
Girl: Of course not.
Guy: Is it because you're a lesbian?
--C Train
The Germans Are Their Natural Predators
Boy at German bar: There's too many Germans in Pittsburgh.
Girl at German bar: That's why there aren't any Jews!
--6th & D
Although If You Had, I'm Sure the French Would've Given Them to You
Polite Japanese tourist: Excuse me, please. Can you give direction to Empire State Building?
Angry old man: Hell, no. It's not like you people needed goddam directions to get to Pearl Harbor.
--Broadway
Overheard by: He's sorta right
Every Minute You Spend at Home Becomes the Walk of Shame
Tall brunette: I wasn't thaaaat drunk.
Shorter blonde: You fucked your roommate!
--6th b/w 1st & A
Overheard by: laughing
I Thought I Was Rocking Your World
Woman: I don't think you're supposed to eat things that are inflamed.
Man (with wide-eyed horror): It was... inflamed?
--Starbucks, Times Square
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Little boy #1: You're afraid to talk to girls!
Little boy #2 (very solemnly): Because they're monsters.
--56th & 8th
Overheard by: Cori
I'll Have You Know That's an Autographed Picture
NYU dude: You can't flirt. That's you're problem.
NYU chick: Whatever. I have wit and charm. You've got a picture of Tom Hanks over your bed.
--NYU
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
He Was a JV Soccer Coach in a Former Life
Woman (slowly walking toward a train whose doors are closing): Wait, wait... Hold the doors!
(conductor closes doors, woman glares at him)
Conductor: C'mon now... If you wanna get on my train, you best show some hustle!
--Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: hustler
Guess I've Really Gotta Work on That Other 30 Percent!
Professor: As you all know, IQ is 80% inherited.
Front row student, blurting: Oh shit, no wonder.
--NYU
So She Managed to Drive Over to His Place Without Incident
Girl #1: So did Michelle* go out with Tom* yet?
Girl #2: She's not Asian.
--Times Square
From Now on We'll Enter Suspended Animation When You Leave the House
Little girl (sad and upset): You guys always go to my favorite restaurants when I'm not there... like Pizzeria Uno.
Mom (annoyed): Just because you're not there doesn't mean we can't do it.
--Mercer & 3rd
Overheard by: Sizzle
Odds Are It'll Take Me Somewhere Liquor Is Served
Drunk hobo boarding train: Hey, is this uptown or downtown?
Girl: It's the...
Drunk hobo: Fuck it! Lets go!
--A Train
Overheard by: Tiffany
Antisemitic Mirror on the Wall/ Who's the Chubbiest Jew of All?
(in line outside a bar)
Scantily clad chick #1: Ugh, I'm such a chubby Jew!
Scantily clad chick #2: No you're not, you're like, so pretty, and you don't even wear makeup. I'm a chubby Jew!
--Rivington b/w Essex & Norfolk
Overheard by: Harrison
It's a Tale As Old As Time
Preppy blonde: And I would be in the alley, all secret... And then out of nowhere people in the street would hear "Fuck yeah--crack!" coming from the alley, and then the police would come, and I would totally be saying goodbye to my chances at Yale.
Tiny brunette friend: Yeah, totally.
--82nd & York
At Least That's What the Guy in the Turban Told Me
(After the recent spate of terrorist attacks the TSA decided to stop allowing liquids past the security gate)
TSA agent: I'm sorry, miss. You can't bring coffee past the security checkpoint.
Lady in a hurry: It's okay, it's tea.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: John M.
The "She's Da Bomb!" Of the 21st Century
Tall Hispanic girl: Yeah, we talk in class a lot, Jen*'s a really nice girl!
Short Hispanic girl: Oh, I know, she has breast cancer!
--Woodhaven Boulevald, Queens
Overheard by: Lizzie
...I'm Still Vibrating
Frat guy #1: You know, I'm trying to remember when I last heard something that obvious.
Frat guy #2: Probably when that tank you picked up told you she owned sex toys.
Frat guy #1: Dude!
--Times Square
Remember-- Teabaggers Can Be Choosers
Slutty teenager: I think I had his balls in my mouth. That's so degrading.
Slutty goth teenager: What the fuck? Even I haven't had his balls in my mouth. And we were like, practically dating.
--F Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Maybe Next Time I Won't Wear My Zombie Mask in the Delivery Room
Hip dad #1: When she came out she elbowed me in the face, and then she climbed back into Clara's protective womb.
Hip dad #2 (laughing): Yeah, that's happened to me too.
--1 Train
Overheard by: esgeness
We'll Have to Cross-Reference the Security Footage
Middle-aged woman, dressed like a pre-teen: I'm not really sure how it happened but I think I ended up drunk and half-naked on the 5th floor of Macy's.
Teenage daughter: Really?
Middle-aged woman: Maybe it was the 6th floor. Shoot, and that was gonna be a good story to tell Jeannie.
--Q Train
Overheard by: Nikki
Possibly the Most Depressing Sentence Ever Uttered
Frat boy #1 (about crowded train): This reminds me of a 311 concert.
Frat boy #2: Every day of my life is a 311 concert.
--1 Train
By "Picture" I Mean "Life-Sized Doll" and By "Wall" I Mean "Bed"
Guy: Hey, this might sound creepy but I have a picture of you on my wall.
Jon Stewart: That is creepy. Do you live in a comedy club?
--Cupcake Cafe, 18th & 26th
But Still Well Above the National Average
Male cashier: "WI"? Which state is "WI"?
Female cashier: West Indies?
Male cashier: Okay. That makes sense.
Female cashier: No, wait, is it Wisconsin? Ha, it's totally Wisconsin.
Male cashier: Who cares, they're both really far away. Isn't Wisconsin on, like, the other side of the world?
Female cashier: No, dummy, Wisconsin is in this country.
Male cashier: Oh. I was never good at geography.
--Met Foods, Prospect Heights
I Can't Promise They're Razorblade-Free, Though
Two-year-old boy: Mommy, I'm hungry.
Young mother: Okay honey, do you want some animal crackers when we get home?
Two-year-old boy: (sighs deeply) Okayyy, are they organic?
Young mother: Oh, of course they are! (hugs him reassuringly).
--Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Miki
Is "First Position" Supposed to Involve a Head in a Crotch?
Young girl: Mom, I don't want to go to ballet!
Mother: Sweetie, you have to. I paid four hundred dollars for one lesson. If you think you're gonna back out of this now...
Young girl: But mom, the teacher touches me!
Mother: Well, damn it, he can touch you as much as he wants for the four fucking hundred dollars I spend every week!
--60th St & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: kristen
Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan Dialogue Is Growing Increasingly Sinister
Guy: See you!
Girl: See you!
Guy: I love you!
Girl: You are killing me.
Guy: I ought to kill you.
Girl: What?!
--34th Street Station, B Line
That's Actually an Excellent Lie
College girl #1: That guy is so awkward.
College girl #2: Yeah, and I think he lies a lot. Like, one time I asked him if he was a virgin or not, and he said: "I'm not sure, because the girl didn't bleed."
College girl #1: Yeah... Wait, what?
--A Train
Overheard by: Lizzie
Is That Why Bird Shit Is White?
Art student to friend: Did you know that our shit would be white if we didn't have bile to mix with it?
Black security guard, raising fist: Black power!
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: dobby
The Tank Was Pretty Much Empty at That Point
Girl, after writing essay: You know how she asked us to write what we thought?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: I put down that I needed to blow my nose.
--NYU
And I Thought I Was So Socially-Conscious When I Stopped Using "Blackie"
Blonde: So I started calling my students "nizzle".
Brunette: "Nizzle" means "nigger".
Blonde: Oh. My. God.
--A Train
The Same Thing Often Happens to Superheroes
Meter maid cop: Excuse me, can you tell me what street this is?
Woman: It's 25th... Aren't you supposed to know?!
Meter maid cop: Yeah, but sometimes we get lost.
--25th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: nina bina
She's Going to Africa to Have the Procedure Done
Girl on cell: Just stay out of the sun and keep your clam shut. Okay, bye.
Friend: Did you just tell her to keep her clam shut?
--Manhattan College
Overheard by: Greg
More Confusion Ensued When the Coca-Cola Was Misplaced
Roommate #1, from kitchen: Hey, have you seen my pot?
Roommate #2: Wait... The one you cook with?
Roommate #1: Yeah.
Roommate #2: Oh! Uh, no.
--Pratt Institute
Headline by: usual suspect
Runners-Up:
· "Awkward Moments Like This Are Why Chamber Pots Went Out Of Fashion" - allison
· "Guess I'm Using the Water Bong to Make Noodles Then..." - Zuel Beast
· "LIES! You Know You Meant BOTH!" - Whee!
· "The Meth Lab Was Never As Well Organized As the Living Room" - batou187
· "Wait, Did It Have Doritos in It?" - Jay Walke
· "Wait, the One You Put the Brownies In, or the One You Put in the Brownies?" - j3rry
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We Already Did That in Bio Lab
Girl #1: So, you didn't go to the show?
Girl #2: Hell no.
Girl #1: My boyfriend tried to make me go.
Girl #2: Why would I want to go? I've slept with like, everyone there. Like I need to see a close up of all of the STDs I've narrowly avoided?
--Double Down, Houston & A
But More Accurate Than "Lamp-Post"
Drunk girl #1: (points at a green minivan) Cab!
Drunk girl #2: Nope.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Anna D
I Don't Think Either of You Have Really Seen The Polar Express
10-year-old little brother: And then there was this huge fight on an armored train.
20-something big brother: Wait, are you sure it was a train?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah, it was an armored train that had guns, and bombs, and fireworks.
20-something big brother: Are you sure it wasn't a truck? I saw that movie and it was a truck.
10-year-old little brother: Nope, it was a train.
20-something big brother: You didn't see the movie, did you? You just had someone tell you about it, right?
10-year-old little brother: Yeah...
--1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
Wednesday One-Linerzzzz....zzzzzz...zzz...zzzzz...
Petulant child: Speed walking is boring! I want to be myself!
--1st Ave & 5th St
Awkward teen boy to friend: It was really boring until I got laid.
--66th & Broadway
Chick on cell: How is pantylessness ever boring?
--113th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Young art history teacher: So basically, I like to lecture the whole first class and bore the hell out of them. That way, everything I say afterwards is interesting!
--74th & Madison
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Short girl to lab partner: Sometimes, when I'm bored, I become a tuning fork. (slowly hits herself on the head) Diiiing!
--Chemistry Lab, Stuyvesant High School
"Urban" Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Man, if you wanna get into heaven, you gotta talk to black people. They know where they at. Can't get into heaven if you don't talk to black people.
--Statue of Liberty
Bimbette on cell: So she is like pregnant? Like she is gonna have a baby? Hey, whatever happened to that black family?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Bigg Rigg
NYU grad student: Bill Clinton isn't black to me anymore.
--NYU
Black couple to group of white people: We're black! We're invisible!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: mada
White grandpa to white granddaughter in playground: Black kids have so much fun!
--Union Square Park
Wednesday One-Liners Go Through a Grey Period
Girl looking at garbage and dirt spilled on the sidewalk: Gross. You think it's supposed to be art?
--Broadway & Houston
Literature professor: So anything that anybody ever painted was a Guido?
--NYU Silver Center
Plausibly mad septuagenarian clerk: When I was 16 Stravinsky bought my first painting. It was written up in the paper. A couple of days later, I was kidnapped.
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Seth
Father to four-year-old son: Looking at art makes your legs tired.
--Metropolitan Museum Lobby
Philistine: I don't like art in which you have to understand the motivation behind it.
--Outside the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Devoted Puppy
Professor-type man to group of teens looking at Greek sculptures: And if the sculpture's back is up against the wall and you want to see it from behind, just get up against a wall and look at its ass as much as you can... yeah! It's not dirty or wrong... Just look at its ass!
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It
Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It's kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.
--Barnard College
Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you're supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I'm supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn't mean he's emo!
--Brooklyn Tech HS
16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.
--The Beacon School
Gay man to female friend: I'm gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.
--Dojo Resaurant
Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy... Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers... And I blame you for that.
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: wishes she would have been there...
"So That's What I Ate for Wednesday One-Liner."
Skinny, attractive 20-something: Yeah, that's totally my plan: Get completely smashed every night, eat tons of eggs, then barf them all up.
--E. 84th b/w 1st & York
Overheard by: Holds her Liquor (and her eggs)
Woman in bus on cell: George? George, you there? Oh okay, I'm on my way to the shrink's office so I can only talk for a little while. Oh no, I'm still not feeling better, I was up all night vomiting like crazy and I'm still ridiculously gassy. Good lord, I should go to a doctor because I also have constant diarrhea. Oh George...
--M66 Bus
Overheard by: Stephanie
Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I've never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking.
--Outside Lombardi's
Overheard by: Rich
Girl stumbling back from the bathroom: You guys, we have to leave because I threw up all over the floor and someone saw me.
--Horus
NYU undergrad: So we were going to have an intervention for her, but when we went to her room, she wasn't there. So instead we wrote on her laptop, "I'm a douche, I drink too much and throw up."
--8th & University
The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right
Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that... You are gettin' too comfortable in this store.
--Grocery Store
Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta!
--Soho
Overheard by: Lara
Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all?
--Starbucks, Manhattan Mall
Young female customer service rep to another: I'm not sayin'..., I'm just sayin'..., you know what I'm sayin'.
--Macy's Customer Service
Overheard by: Richard Downey
Daffy's employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don't even know why I'm askin' you. You a customer. I don't even care.
--Daffy's, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn
Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson
Wednesday One-Liners Are Starting to Show
Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?
--27th & 6th
Overheard by: Seamus Diddy
Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin' her up too.
--86th & 1st
Girl on cell: Ugh! I can't believe she's pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!
--Forever 21, Union Square
Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit...[Reads.] "Happy non mother's day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."
--Toys R Us Times Square
Overheard by: Non Father
Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It's not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!
--Whole Foods, Bowery
Overheard by: office peon
Wednesday One-Liners Toot Their Own Horns
Guy on cell: Guitars... guitarists, guitarists... drummers, yeah, any musicians... Girls, yeah! Girls!
--Prospect Heights
Suave European guy: I am playing the piano and the flute. At the same time. It's a metaphor.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Librarianish-looking woman: He asked me if I wanted to blow his tuba, and I said, "sure!". It was amazingly harder than I thought it would be. And, he's bringing his organ tomorrow so I can play with it.
--Battery Park Starbucks
30-something woman: My consultant was telling me I should try not to sound elitist. But that's really hard for me. I mean, I have two master's degrees and I play the violin.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Bodybuilder on cell: I'm thinking a harpsichord, a wig, and a whole lotta talcum powder.
--Chinatown Bus
Blonde high school girl: Grinding is as practical as playing the harpsichord was for Jane Austen.
--Upper East Side
If You Love Wednesday So Much, Why Don't You One-Liner It?
Woman talking to cute businessman: Oh I totally love, like, water and all that jazz!
--Newark Flight
DJ to crowd: If ya love ya mama put ya put ya mothafuckin hand up the skyyyyy!
--Hammerstein Ballroom
Crazy man in leather pants: Bitches, I seen it all! Bitches, hoes, I done it all... Y'all, who won the Yankees game last night? I said, who won the Yankees game last night?! Can I get a motherfucking answer? [Pause.] Fuck all y'all, fuck all y'all niggas, black, white, fuck all y'all white niggas [Pause.] Bitches, hoes, Cadillacs! I done it all! Fuck all y'all [Pause.] Peace, love, and respect baby for all. I love all y'all.
--A Train
Overheard by: Sam
Girl on cell: ...but I have to go now -I'm busy lovin'. I said I'm lovin'. I have to go!
--Outside Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
20-something woman: I need more people in my life who love my knees.
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: McFreaky
Boy: I'm going to have a business card made. Some finance company. Girls love that stuff.
--6 Train
Overheard by: oya
Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras
JAP, reflecting: I think I might be a drug dealer.
--Spot's Café
JAP: Yeah! I went to Israel this summer! And they all looked at me like I was an idiot! They don't have Uggs there... They don't have burgers... They don't have loosies!
--Hunter College
Jappy teen: I've never done anything for society and I've done just fine.
--University & 12th
JAP: Bitch, "Jewish" is a religion!
--17th & 6th
NYU JAP: I told my dad that I couldn't go to the scholarship fair because I had to get my nails done, and I think we're still in a fight!
--Goddard Hall, NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Maya G.
Jappy girl to friend: [Sighs.] I'm losing faith in humanity, one orgasm at a time.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ponine
Wednesday One-Liners Idolized Wednesday Addams Growing Up
Creepy-looking, middle aged goth guy, yelling: He dances with the denizens of the underworld! [Turns to his female companion.] What was his webpage again?
--7th b/w 1st & 2nd
Goth chick: Yea, my mom cried while my dad chased me around with sandpaper.
--Pratt Campus
Overheard by: Late-Night Passerby
Goth girl to friend: I can't wait until you're addicted to sex.
--Queens
Goth girl talking loudly to goth friend: It just sucks that everyone is such a toolbag. Like everyone. That guy right there. Toolbag. You. Toolbag. Everyone is just a toolbag. Like seven out of ten people are just tools.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Annoyed goth chick to friend: ...so it looks like I'm going to be whipping some yuppies in a dungeon again.
--Bedford Ave & 3rd
Overheard by: yuppie45
Wednesday One-Liners, Fresh from the Oven
Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!
--2 Train Platform, Wall Street
Overheard by: Gin in Tonic
Angry guy on cell: She's a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions... like deciding to be a chef!
--Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.
--First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum
Suit: I'm going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.
--In front of Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: sometimesdee
Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don't know how to work the stove!
--Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She's a pancake fondler!
--34th St
Overheard by: Chloe
I Know We Work on the First Floor, But It Would Be So Embarassing for Her
Lady suit: I mean, if she got hit by a bus or something and he was grieving and I brought over a casserole, he would totally fall in love with me.
Suit #1: It would have to be a damn good casserole.
Lady suit: I make a damn good casserole--have you never had my casserole?
Suit #2: Maybe we should invite her over to the office and have a party on the balcony, and then we can all bump into her at the same time and push her off.
--Lincoln Plaza Cinemas
Overheard by: indie movie girl
It's a Sad State of Affairs When "Lights On" Is Freaky
Dude #1: Yo son, that girl last week, Anna, she is all kinds of freaky.
Dude #2: Weird, that's what I heard.
Dude #1: Yeah man, she wanted me to do her from behind with the lights on and shit.
Dude #2: Nigga, that shit ain't freaky.
Dude #1: Yo, with the lights on and a dildo in her mouth.
Dude #2: Wait... Which Anna you talking 'bout, my cousin?
--A Train
Overheard by: nuttybella
It's Negotiable Who Cleans Up Afterwards
Woman #1: I don't get it. I mean, if you can fuck, you can cook.
Woman #2: Totally.
--SoHo
Overheard by: nooners
So Are We Having Lunch at McDonald's?
Girl #1: Yeah, so she was telling me all about the cleanser, right? And she said it was professional clown approved. What's up with that? Who buys stuff because it's been approved by some dumb clown?
Girl #2: I don't know about buying anything clown approved, but for damn sure I'm not going to buy something that's not professional clown approved.
--Sephora, 5th Ave
Overheard by: VA
Do You Think He'd Be Interested in Writing a Song About It?
NYU boy: Hey, Adam Duritz from Counting Crows is outside Hayden on his cell phone!
NYU girl: Uh, well.. I almost got killed by a fucking snow globe!
--Washington Square West
I'll Have My Secretary Do It
30-something guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girlfriend was driving around in it. So she got all pissy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shittiest Toyota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don't you have kids?
30-something guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Doesn't your ex-wife drive the kids?
30-something guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Just Trying to Sleep...
Those Handjobs Were Just Volunteer Work
Middle-aged guidette: He's gay, he's gay, he's gay!
Uptight white woman: My husband isn't gay. Loving Jesus doesn't make you gay.
--Port Authority
Can We Back Up to the Chicks Wrestling?
Girl #1: You're a doctor?
Girl #2: Yeah--you didn't know that?
Girl #1: Well, I only know you on a wrestling level.
Girl #3: Wow, that is *so* New York.
--Rooftop party, Bedford St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gnomies
And Please, No Orientalism on the Way
Hot Asian chick to boyfriend, about former boyfriend: He actually told me he liked fucking me because of my "almond eyes."
Boyfriend: Where do you find these guys?
Hot Asian chick: I know, right?
Boyfriend: I like fucking you because you come at least once a minute.
Hot Asian chick: Take me home now!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: ...can i borrow her
Maybe They're in an Open Marriage (We're Just Putting That Out There...)
Young woman #1: Oh, so that guy I slept with the other week? He's my friend on Facebook now. Did you see him?
Young woman #2: Is he the bald guy?
Young woman #1: No, he has dark hair. His profile picture is him kissing his wife at their wedding.
Young woman #2: He's married?
Young woman #1: Yeah, I guess so.
--Starbucks, 19th & 8th
Overheard by: My husband is not on Facebook.
We'll Keep Romance Alive Until Straight People Want It Again
Girl: What kind of movie do you suggest?
Gay employee: Oh, a romantic comedy.
Girl: That's gay.
Gay employee: I know!
--Lowes on Broadway
Overheard by: B
...While We're Still Miked
Queer #1: But what if we got all the men in the school to jack off? Do you think it could fill the pool?
Queer #2: I don't think so.
Queer #1: Really? We're talkin every guy at school.
Queer #2: Well... maybe a kiddie pool. And even then it would probably only be a thin film.
Queer #1: What if they saved up their cum in jars for a week, and then dumped it in?
Queer #2: I can't believe we're having this conversation.
--Public Theater
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
You'd Be Fired for That Anywhere Else in the US
Woman: I'd like a latte with percent milk.
Barista: Percent? You mean "two percent"?
Woman: No, just regular percent milk.
Barista: (...)
Woman, condescendingly: There's whole milk, and there's skim milk, and then in-between, there's percent milk. Got it?
Barista: You're gettin two percent. I hope that works for you.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Carol
They're Not Made with Real Girl Scouts
Homeless man to group of people: Excuse me, do you have any spare change?
Humanitarian: No, but here are some cookies.
Homeless man: I'm a vegetarian.
--W 57th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Chris
I'll Follow the Thunder of Her Thighs
Mid 40s black man: Well, how will you know where to find her?
Quasi-homeless black man: She got big drawers?
Mid 40s black man: Well, yeah.
Quasi-homeless black man: She got big drawers, I'll find her!
--123rd & Adam Clayton Powell
Overheard by: he's asked to see my drawers before
Oh, These Guys Would Respect You Like Crazy
Asian yuppie: I'm so tired of his bullshit. I'm done. Like seriously. Who the fuck tells his ex: "Hey, I'm going to ask this chick out, you think it's a good idea?" That bastard!
White yuppie: Wow, no respect at all.
Asian yuppie: I know.
White yuppie: We should go out for drinks, I know a lot of guy friends who would do anything to have sex with you.
Asian yuppie: I don't need to get laid...
White yuppie: Blasphemy!
Asian yuppie: Ok. You're right, maybe I do need to get laid.
--Grand Central Station
Judging from Her Internet Viewing Habits
Girl toddler (pointing at shop window): Mommy! Mommy!
Nanny (looking at busty, naked, corset-clad mannequin in sex shop window): That's not your mommy. But she wishes it were.
--Christopher Street, West Village
I Still Don't Get What's So Wrong with Washing Whites with Colors
Dude #1: It'd be like you saying: "I'm gonna root for the Raiders, instead of the Chargers."
Dude #2: It'd be like you saying: "I'm gonna suck cock!"
--11th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
It's a Great Party Trick
Girl: Oh! Did I tell you? Karen* had an orgasm from anal!
Queer: You guys can can do that too?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Sean, not queer but not straight
The Sequel to Clue Left a Lot to Be Desired
Hipster girl: Oh, by the way: why did your place smell like piss?
Hipster guy: Matt* got drunk and pissed everywhere last night.
Hipster girl: And when you say Matt* you mean you?
Hipster guy: Yeah, I might.
--Lorimer St
Ever Since That Infamous Physics Test
Student #1: You coming to the Sigma Nu party tonight?
Student #2: Nah.
Student #1: Why not?
Student #2: I'm not a big fan of the letter Nu.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Good Thing Grandma's in a Coma or She'd Never Get a Boyfriend!
Girl #1: I just wanted to scream at her to put on a goddamn bra and shave her fucking armpits!
Girl #2: Oh my god, I know. I mean, it's not like she has much there... But it's something and you gotta cover those puppies up.
--Greenwich Village
Headline by: RaRa
Runners-Up:
· "And the Way She Was Holding Baby Jesus--ROTFL" - ddv
· "I Mean, You'd Think She'd WANT to Look Good at Her Own Communion!" - RaRa
· "Joan and Melissa Rivers' Commentary at the Bronx Zoo" - allison
· "Or Carry Them in a Bag Like a Celebrity" - Andrew
· "Where Have All the Paula Cole's Gone?" - chubba
· "Yeah, But Jagged Little Pill Was Such a Great Album" - blistexaddict
· "You'd Think by the Age Of 8, She'd Get That!" - MalG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Uncle Walter's Got Some Splainin' to Do
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA?
Patient older brother: No.
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA.
Patient older brother: Stop it.
Spastic little brother: NAMBLA!
--22nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Flynn
Whereas "Friction" Is Steamy Molecular Sex
Male physics teacher (with accent): Does anybody know what induction is?
Female student: I know!
Male physics teacher (with accent): What is it?
Female student: No touchy-touchy!
Male physics teacher (with accent): Exactly!
--Stuyvesant High School
Not Knowing CSI Has No Secret Agents
Kid #1, sharing iPod with kid #2: Hey, it's the CSI song!
Kid #2: (laughs) Yeah.
Kid #1: It's like we're secret agents!
Kid #2: (laughs) No.
Kid #1: Yeah! It is.
Kid #2: No... It's like, we're stoners on the subway listening to The Who.
--F Train
HIs Whole Body's a Treasure-Trail!
Hipster girl #1: I usually don't mind, but this guy was like... I mean, basically you couldn't tell if his shirt was on or off, he was that hairy!
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, I used to date a guy like that. You know those hair removal ads for men with the before and after pictures, where they basically take like the hairiest man that ever walked the earth? That was him. Chest, back, shoulders, ass... Covered.
Bear guy: Aw, come on. That's just plain hot!
--Pink Pony, LES
Ever Played "Adult" Double Dare?
Drunk girl: That sucks that Souljah Boy is getting sued. His song is really good.
Drunk guy: Are you serious? Do you know what "Superman" means?
Drunk girl: Yeah, it means you ejaculate on someone's back and stick the bed sheet to it. Like a Superman cape.
Drunk guy: Ok, but do you know what "Spiderman" means?
Drunk girl: No.
Drunk guy: It means you cum in your hand and throw it at the chick in a big blob!
Drunk girl: Ewww, like Nickelodeon Gak!
--House Party, Bronx
Overheard by: Sromeo
...Without Throwing Up
Queer #1: I am sorry, I did not mean it.
Queer #2 (angrily): What do you mean you didn't mean it? You told me that you loved me. You can't just take that back!
Queer #1: Sorry.
Queer #2: What do you mean you're sorry!?
(pause for a block)
Queer #1: Thanks for the help. Now I feel ready to tell Brian.
--Univeristy Place &14th St
Yeah, He's Still Allergic to Me
Guy: How were things with your ex last night?
Girl: You know... He threw up and started crying, so I gave him a hug. He got an erection, threw up two more times and passed out.
Guy: So, same old same old.
--E 51st, b/w 1st & 2nd
And by That I Mean 'Pathetically Degraded'
Guy #1: Yeah man, she only had a twin-size bed, so I had to sleep on the floor next to her.
Guy #2: Dude, that fucking sucks.
Guy #1: Nah, it's cool. I was so drunk I peed my pants, right there under the bed.
Guy #2: Fierce.
--53rd & Lexington
Force Overcomes It, Motherfucker!
Angry passenger to shoe stepper : Dude, watch my shoes!
Shoe stepper: It's inertia, bitch!
--2 Train
Well, Judging from the Barrel of Liquor Around Your Neck...
Girl #1: And then he said that when he sees people, he likes to picture what kind of dog they'd be. Apparently I'm a Golden Retriever, and he's a German Shepherd, and those breeds just don't mix.
Gril #2: That is fucking messed up.
Girl #1: I know! He is so delusional! And he would so not be a German Shepherd.
Girl #2: No. (long pause) I wonder what type I'd be.
--Starbucks, 103rd & Broadway
So It's About to Rain?
(first nice Saturday of the year)
Thug #1 (using branch as hiking stick): Man, this weather is beautiful. This is like, weather that I dream about.
Thug #2: Yeah, but now my balls is itchin.
--Central Park
Because That's What You Said About the IRS Building
Six-year-old boy: Damn, I always wanted to go in there.
Mom: No, you didn't.
--Outside M&M Store, TImes Square
Overheard by: Lynne
Anyone Else Feel Like There Should Be a Bottle in the Middle?
Girl #1 to friends on subway: I love sitting like this, we can all see each other... It's like...
Girl #2, almost in unison with girl #3: It's like we're in a circle, yeah!
Girl #3: And you're like, like, the point!
--5 Train
Judas's Mama, Not So Much
Overhead announcement: At this performance, the role of Simon will be played by Jason R. Cook.
Southern tourist: Jason's mama is prrroud tonight!
--Broadway Theatre
Also Her Position on Immigration Reform
(in front of the steps of The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
Tourist: Excuse me, do you know where The Met is?
Pissed off local woman: Walk seven blocks that way, take a left and walk four blocks.
(tourist walks away)
Pissed off local woman to friend: The next time someone asks me that, I'm giving them directions to the Bronx.
--82nd & 5th
Overheard by: olivia