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July 2008 Archives
To Be Fair, Most New Yorkers Would Probably Just Walk Anyway
Tourist: New York City is the only place in the country that does not have right on red. It doesn't make sense.
Impatient New Yorker chick: Because you'd never get off the sidewalk.
Tourist (in a condescending way): Lady, right on red is for cars. Not for people. (rolls eyes)
--42nd & Broadway
With Guatemalans Tied to the Back
Hipster #1: Did you ever see The Brown Bunny?
Hipster #2: No, what's it about?
Hipster #1: This guy, he's a motorcycle racist...
Hipster #2: A motorcycle racist?
Hipster #1: Yeah, he races motorcycles.
--Atlantic Terminal Target
Except His Is Functional, Not Recreational
Young woman to young boy: Aw, look at the cute puppy.
Young boy: Aawww.
Young woman: See... he has a leash on just like you.
--45th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Nicole
Is Our Tourists Learning?
Blonde tourist (after swiping futilely a few times): How do I swipe this?
New Yorker (looks at card in tourist's hand): That's not a Metrocard, that's your room key.
--E Train
Overheard by: Laura
'Cause I'm Gangstrous!
White college dude with glasses: Guys, you absolutely must check out this new reality television show. It is off the hiz-ook. Literally, off the hiz-ook.
College chick: Why do we hang out with you?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Isn't Learning About Other Cultures Fun?
(little Asian girl giggles and makes snorting noise)
Park Slope mom to daughter: She's making a pig noise, Charlotte! Can you show her your pig noise?
(little Asian girl snorts again)
Park Slope mom: I think she's going to hock something up.
--F Train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
We've Spent Weeks Working on That Grotto Effect
Suit: We have water leaking from the 24th floor down to the phone boxes.
Friend: That's good. That's what we want.
--47th & 3rd
Overheard by: EthanK
Pop Quiz: How Many Mentally Unbalanced People Are in This Quote?
Girl in Mets jersey: My sister put me on anti-anxiety pills and now I'm gonna kill her!
Guy in Mets jersey: Rad! Go Mets!
--59th St & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Stephen's Wife
That's, Like, All We Did in Bio Lab Last Year
Girl #1: Did you know babies have natural reflexes? Like, if you stick your finger in their hand, they'll grab it, and if you try to pull it away, they'll hold on to it for like a minute.
Girl #2: Did you know if you punch a baby in the face, it'll cry?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: mkb
And on the Third Day, George Carlin Rose
Crazy guy in camouflage: And I was like: "Fucking...what the fuck, man! Fuck it!"
Teen passerby (very seriously): I love that man.
Preppy friend: Oh my god, me too! (gives thumbs up)
--48th & 6th
Headline by: Golf Widow
Runners-Up:
· "Everyone Loves a Good Fuck" - melly
· "How Billy and Tommy Knew What Love Really Means" - Stellina
· "I Hear He's Speaking at Graduation!" - fucking fan
· "Schizophrenia Is the New Black." - Josh
· "Tourette's Groupies" - TheSchilsk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Didn't Turn Out Too Poorly for Marco Polo
Three-year-old: But mom...
Sunburnt mom: We'll put you in the toilet bowl and flush ya! We'll send you to china! Where all those people need a family now!
Three-year-old: Nooooo!
--Greenpoint
They Counted Last Year During That Scavenger Hunt
Drunk girl sitting on steps: The Hudson is better then the East River right?
Guy: What?
Drunk girl: Yeah, it definitely is... There's less dead bodies in it.
--Hudson River Boat Basin
Oh Wait--Pikachu, Right?
Boy on class trip #1: Look! The hall of Asian mammals!
Boy on class trip #2: Since when are there mammals in Asia?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Amanda
Chicks with Wednesday One-Liners!
Chick on cell: In the past three weeks, I've been to more tranny-hosted parties than non-tranny hosted parties.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Mini-Asian teen: Well he's not a real man in the sense that he has a penis, or like, male reproductive organs.
--6 Train
Loud woman: I can't tell whether he's a lesbian or just gay.
--Bamboo 52
Overheard by: Aidan
Angry man: Suck my pussy dick!
--Canal St
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Black woman to group of friends, after watching an attractive black man walk by: Mmmmm, he so fine! I wanna stick my dick up that ass!
--Duane Reade
Bum on subway: (singing) when I go into space, I'ma take a stripper wit' me!
(woman puts a dollar bill in his cup)
Bum: I'ma take a trannie too, but the trannie cost extra!
(man puts a dollar in his cup)
Bum: La dee da!
--L Train from Williamsburg
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Fall Far from the Tree
Girl on cell passing by: That sounds great, honey, but there is no possible reason you'd need to shove an entire lime in the garbage disposal.
--Lafayette & Houston
(tourist lady eats banana)
Ferry bag lady: Why are you eating that banana? You know it's not healthy for you. They say you need potassium but you don't need no potassium. You don't want no banana, it's nasty and mushy. Throw it out. Throw out that banana. You don't want no nasty mushy banana.
(bug-eyed tourist lady continues to eat banana)
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Five-year-old girl, sitting in the grocery cart next to her twin sister, as their mother pushes them around the store: You're squishing me like a pineapple! You're squishing me like a pineapple, I said!
--9th St Market
Overheard by: Elle Woods (Chelsea Huckabay)
Old man with Boston accent to prepubescent boy: Squirt that in your nose and it's like you have a blueberry bush.
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Anniemal
20-year-old bakery chick: I was in Brooklyn yesterday on 18th Ave. There were three Mexicans on bikes. One was dressed like a banana. So then I walked up to him and I was like: "Dude, you're dressed like a banana and you're on a bike, that's awesome. Can I take a picture of you?"
--Bakery, Staten Island
Overheard by: Traci Cuccurullo
Loud girl: I never wash my fruit! I eat things that have fallen on the floor! And that's why I don't have allergies!
--375 Hudson St.
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait
Thuggette: She just went in there to scoop her vagina out and then she came back.
--Hudson River Park
Teenage girl on cell: Yeah, I got a Brazilian wax for the first time yesterday. And now I'm afraid of the power of my own vagina.
--1 Train
Overheard by: westchester girl
Adorable little girl: I was born in 2002, from my mom's vagina.
--New York Harbor
Overheard by: Barry P.
Man to woman: Ohhhh, is she the one with maggots in her vagina?
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: Highstein
Chick on cell: Tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it. Or even better, in her vagina. (sarcastically) Ooh, penetration!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Very large black man: My penis' jus' as impo-tant as her vagina.
Small meek white man: (nods in agreement or fear)
--A Train
Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!
--E Train
Overheard by: cran
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.
--LIRR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.
--V-train
Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.
--Metro North Train
Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!
--NJ Transit
Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?
--A Train
Overheard by: Schechter
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Be Buried in the Jewish Cemetery
Girl on cell (reading US Weekly): Hey, Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee were photographed together! That means there's still hope for me and that guy from the tattoo shop!
--Brookyln Diner, Times Square
Latina: What's with grandma keeping gettin' tattoos that show?
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Justin Case de Foodisbad
Chick to another: The only thing he better get tattooed on his butt is my name!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Angela
Guy to girlfriend: Does that guy over there have a picture of Kim Jong II tattooed on his shoulder? (pause) Or is that his kid? (pause) Cause that's fucked up!
--Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Not sure myself...
Girl: So I hooked up with this guy who had a prison tattoo of an eagle ripping up the communist manifesto. I was like: "God bless America," y'know?
--N train
Overheard by: amen
Wednesday One-Liners Use "Summer" As a Verb
Older woman to friend: Down there where the servants are, you know, where the gardening people and the kitchen is, I don't go there. I just don't go there.
--38th & 5th
Overheard by: garden in manhattan?
Greek Princess shopping for wedding rings: This isn't the more expensive ring I wanted but we just bought an apartment in the 70s.
--Tiffany's Second Floor
Overprivileged teenage girl on cell: The bourgeoisie... The bourgeoisie are like, the common people.
--Union Square
College girl: No, I mean seriously: who, by the age of 25, has not been to Rome or Florence?
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Dan
Six-year-old: Mommy, how do you spell "Forbes"?
--Restaurant, Upper East Side
Overheard by: jess
Wednesday One-Liners Take Occasional Breaks to Eat and Shower
Mini-skirt on cell: Just because I had sex with you doesn't mean I gave you my phone number!
--52nd & Lexington
Brunette with a booty on her cell: You're going to be a whore this summer. (quick pause) Can you start by coming out here and whoring yourself?!
--Penn Station
Hot brunette on cell: Ohmigod. How does he do those backflips? He's like 6 feet tall and super built. He probably gets so much ass. Whatever, I would totally be his groupie.
--Midtown East
Overheard by: damn i'd be his groupie too
Bouncer to bouncer: The bible does say "Be fruitful and multiply." It doesn't say "with one person."
--West Village
Overheard by: Bible Fan
Chick: I'm not a whore, but I am not gonna miss out on a chance to fuck that bitch's boyfriend. Plus, she owes me like 30 bucks.
--L Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Wednesday One-Liners Pull a Winona
Teenage hipster to friend: Oh look, it's the Hannah Montana lip gloss I stole from a little kid!
--Uptown F Train
Overheard by: Joy
Big thug: Hey man, I'm not gonna even lie: selling candy on the train keeps me from robbing and stealing from most of ya on the train today... Hook a nigga up!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Cashiem Evans (da mad blogger)
Schoolgirl dressing down another: You took the whole backpack? Why didn't you just take what you needed to steal and leave the bag there?
--DeKalb & Clermont, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Lady on cell: So you know what happened? He stole my deodorant, and you know what was under it? My hundred dollars!
--Metro-North, 125th St Station
Overheard by: That must be some expensive deodorant
Woman yelling into cell: Don't rob them, they're Danish!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Tina
25% Of All New Yorkers Have Wednesday One-Liners
Thug on cell: Wait, so you said you needed something for herpes? (pause) I said, you need something for your herpes? (pause) Well, I smoked a little before I came over here...
--Harlem Rite Aid
Man: Your wife! Your wife! Richard Dawkins is gonna get herpes from your wife!
--French Roast, 86th & Broadway
Overheard by: zdog
Girl on cell wearing a Puerto Rican flag bandana: I dunno, I mean, I just can't keep doing this. I don't want to get herpes again.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: JLief
Girl on subway to friend: I've never looked at you and thought you looked like you had herpes.
--E Train
Mother to tween daughter, ecstatically hugging friend: Remember, girls: No sharing saliva. That's how you get herpes and ruin your summer.
--3rd & 92nd
Overheard by: rebecca
The Guerrilla Marketing of Wednesday One-Liners
Man handing out free demos: You want a CD? It's free! It's really good! It's me! (passersby ignore him) Fine, but when I die you cannot wear a t-shirt with my face on it!
--Broadway
Overheard by: porkchop sandwiches
Guy promoting comedy club: It costs less than a movie and we'll get you drunk!
--7th & 40th
Overheard by: Erin
Guy at stall: We're slashing prices today! Today's the anniversary of Lorena Bobbit!
--Street Fair, Washington Square North
Guy selling perfume: Ladies, buy one and get my number free!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Denah
Man advertising standup comedy event: Comedy and alcohol for all you miserable bastards out there!
--Broadway
Man selling tickets to a comedy club: I hate my job! Come get drunk! Sell tickets! Sell tickets! Drinks! Drunk! Come get druuuunk!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Kate
Wednesday One-Liners Regret Listening to Their Biological Clocks
Mother to screaming toddler: Stop it. This is not your day. This is my day. Don't ruin it.
--Gourmet Garage
Southern woman to son: The WWE pose, just like we practiced in the backyard now.
--NBC Studios
Overheard by: Tracy
Mother yelling at three little well-dressed girls: Do not open that bottle of glitter! Do not! If you know glitter... (holding her arms out making a rainbow sort of gesture) Shit flies!
--Central Park
Overheard by: chellie
Very young mother to four-year-old son: Stop that! If you don't start behavin' I'm gonna send you in for the new model!
--R Train
Overheard by: Kait
Ghetto mom to young son running his hand along outside window while walking: Don't do that! You gonna get germs! Yo' hand gonna fall off!
--45th b/w 3rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Lili Von Shtupp
Very serious mother: Well, Megatron could beat Optimus because he's stronger. But Optimus is smarter, so he can outsmart Megatron.
--East Village
Mom holding little boy's hand: Forget everything you've seen today.
--Mermaid Parade, Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Not forgetting ANYTHING we saw today
Have You Ever Read Wednesday One-Liners... on Weed?
Man on cell: Do you have any (quieter and mumbled) bagms? (pause, more intense) Do you have any (mumbled)? (one word at a time) Weed! Weed! Do you have any weeeed? (pause) No? Nothing? Well you're not much of a drug dealer then, are you?
--77th St & 3rd Ave, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Overheard by: fet
Hipster: ...becoming a teacher and then getting arrested for marijuana possession in South Korea.
--L Train
Overheard by: paola
Boy running by: They're playing frisbee! I have to roll a joint!
--Pratt Institute
Teenage girl to guy with long hair and long beard in a tie-dye shirt: You look like you could be some kind of famous stoner.
--L Train
Mother to seven-year-old son (angrily): Don't you ever tell anyone else at school that I smoke marijuana! I'll go to jail and you'll be dead! (suddenly calm) It is, however, something I personally believe people should have a right to do.
--M102 Bus
The Family Circus You Never Saw.
15-year-old girl to little brother: Do you understand? This is not a joke. If you smear poop on my computer, I will shit in your bed every day for the next two weeks.
Little brother: Yes, I'm sorry.
--Central Park Bench
He Takes All His Cues from U.S. Foreign Policy Decisions
Little boy #1: I had a fight!
Little boy #2 (clearly impressed): You did? Who did you fight?
Little boy #1, gesturing at toddler in stroller: Her.
Little boy #2 (scornfully): You didn't fight her! You bit her!
--Laundromat, Brooklyn
Overheard by: little o
Officer: "Phew! Narrowly Avoided That Paperwork."
Teen: Excuse me officer, do you guys still do that thing where you get a grand for turning in people with guns?
Cop: Yeah, if they are arrested and are in possession of illegal firearms.
Teen: So, is that like a grand per head kinda deal?
Officer: I don't think so, no.
Teen: Oh...I don't know shit. (walks away)
--Columbus Circle Station
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Just Watch Where You're Sticking That Scepter, Missy
Distressed four-year-old: But why are you walking in front of me?
Father: Honey, I know you're the princess, but that doesn't mean I can't walk in front of you.
--101st & Amsterdam
The Difference Between Delivery and DiGiorno
Female coworker: I would pay for it.
Male coworker: You are paying for it, they're just not putting it in.
--16th & 5th
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
God, I Love Playing Grand Theft Auto
Frat boy #1: I feel like I just had sex.
Frat boy #2: Yeah, I know the feeling.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Commuter
Isn't That the Highest Compliment Among Your People?
Queer #1: Sometimes you remind me of Donny Osmond.
Queer #2: Sometimes you remind me of an asshole.
--NYU
My Webcam Tested Negative
Girl: Did you use a condom?
Boy: Nope.
Girl: You're going to get an STD!
Boy: No, I'm not. It's okay.
Girl: That's what you said last time!
--Union Square
Gene Simmons: What?! I Fucking Quit!
High school hipster #1: Dude, you know that guy Ray Simmons?
High school hipster #2: Who?
High school hipster #1: Ray Simmons, Ray Simmons. I dunno dude, the fucking guy from KISS.
High school hipster #3: Richard Simmons.
High school hipster #1: Yeah, that's it, Richard Simmons.
--Path Train to NYC
Overheard by: sweatin' to the oldies
Though I'd Probably Have Been Smited by Now
Suit #1: I have to leave at five today.
Suit #2: Why?
Suit #1: I have to go to church.
Suit #2: Jesus Christ! I wish I was religious.
--New York Post
Plus, I Got You That Golden Ticket, Veruca
Three-year-old: I have a lot of M&Ms at mommy's house.
Dad: Yes, but you get more snacks at daddy's house.
--Path Train
Overheard by: Jatmos
I Wept Profusely Throughout
Emo kid: Dude, have you seen Alvin and the Chipmunks yet?
Big black guy: No, not yet.
Emo kid: It was off the hook!
Big black guy: Really?!
--Starbucks, Port Authority
For Me, Getting Married Would Be Like Playing Madhouse
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Getting married is like playing house! It sucks!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah! I never want to get married or have kids. I have too many mental illnesses to pass along.
--L Train
Good Point-- Fuck Those Furry Little Bastards
Little guy to big guy wearing fur hat: You know, wearing fur is murder.
Big guy wearing fur hat: So is me pushing you off the train.
--A Train
Thanks for the Recipe, Pampered Chef!
Thug #1: Yo, what it mean when you call a woman "apple bottom"?
Thug #2 (half asleep): Cake.
Thug #1 to thugette: See woman, I told you it mean you got cake.
--1 Train
Overheard by: bianca's boyfriend
The... Dude Police?
(drunk group of 20-somethings stumble out of a bar onto the street)
Unstable random lady: Alcoholic! You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous!
Drunk guy: Dude, just mind your own business.
Unstable random lady: Don't call me dude! I'll call the cops on you!
--W 3rd & Thompson
Sorry, I Prefer My Men Filtered
Redneck guy: Hey, got an extra cigarette?
Hipster guy with hipster girl next to him: No, sorry man.
Redneck guy: Well, can I fuck her then?
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: no, she's mine
I'm Just Gonna Pop Out for a Cigarette
Long Island lady #1: Okay. I get what he's doing now. I'm moving on to the landscapes. Join me when you're done.
Long Island lady #2 (still entranced): Um. Yes. Yes, I'm done too.
--Nude Room, Gustave Courbet Exhibit, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Colleen
And I've Completely Committed to the Role
ER doctor to bloody man with legs strapped to gurney: So, what's going on here?
Patient: I'm a drunk.
--Bellevue Emergency Treatment Room
Overheard by: judith currin
Today It's a Lolly. Tomorrow It's a BMW
(waiting in line)
Four-year-old kid: Mommy, I really want a lollipop!
Mom: Uhuh, move up here honey.
Kid: Mom! Just give in, I want a lollipop, okay?
(mother ignores him)
Kid: Just give in, it's okay, I want one. It's okay to give in, mom.
(pause)
Kid: Mom, this isn't going to work for me! I want a lollipop!
Random guy in line: Resist!
--Associated Supermarkets, Bleecker & LaGuardia
Overheard by: CaitlinisNewHere
See How Easy It Is Finding Someone to Tell You What to Do?
Ditzy blonde: I know you'll think this is stupid, but I was thinking of going to a life coach. A life coach or a really good psychic.
Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it's stupid. Here, I'll be your life coach: Fuck psychics, and go get a job. Oh, and don't get fired this time. You're fixed now.
--Metro North-Harlem
When Cow Tipping Goes Bad
Younger guy: She was a bit fatter than I expected.
Older guy: Well, you still did the deed though?
Younger guy: Yes, of course I did. I had the beer goggles on to protect me but it was hard to keep the cattle prod charged.
Older guy: Well, it's not the pussy's fault.
--42nd & Avenue of the Americas
Headline by: chubba
Runners-Up:
· "Also, Her Tail Kept Getting in the Way" - sam
· "I Learned a Lot That Summer on the Ranch..." - Mark
· "If Only I Had My +5 Armor with +2 Strength." - Bevan
· "It's the Whale Attached to It" - Bizzznatch
· "They Always Blame the Cat, Never the Dog..." - Steve Gotz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Every Artist Has His Own Medium
Drunk black guy #1: That's when I started cooking with weed. The Jamaicans told me you can cook with it.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black guy #1: I made chicken soup with that shit. I had soupy chicken weed. I was high as fuck.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black woman: You ever had weed fishcakes? Weed fishcakes. I make that shit.
Drunk black guy #2: Fishcakes?
Drunk black woman: And pork fried weed.
Drunk black guy #1: I want to come to your parties. You creative.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
I've Moonwalked on Water
Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I'd choose 24.
Van mate: Oh, you'd one-up Jesus.
Driver: Man, I've been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That's all I do.
--West Side Highway
You Let Me Smoke Your Weed and I Let You Stare at My Boobs?
Girl: When I found out he was all about sex, the crush was all over.
Dude: Oh, come on. I'm sure he's more mature now.
Girl: Why are you trying to pawn me off on all these guys? I mean, come on, sex is not cool.
Dude: Why are we friends?
--Cafe Esperanto
Jason Concluded That Very Little of This Was About Him
Sobbing woman: I can't believe he never called me back! And to think I gave him a chance!
Short friend: I bet he's just sidetracked, give him some time!
Tall friend: Or maybe he's with another woman!
Short friend: Oh, don't think that! You beautiful, and smart, and... (cellphone rings)
Sobbing woman: (looks at phone) Who the fuck is Jason? (answers phone) Hello? Oh, hi Jason, this is Melinda*, remember? I went on a date with you last week! I'd just like to say, thanks for fucking my friend!
--49th & Lexington
Bear in Mind, I've Seen That Video Of You and the Other Girl
Mom: We should call up doctor Katz* so he can check you up, figure out your measurements and percentiles.
Kid: I like it when I pee in the cup!
Mom: Oh, do you?
Kid (as they exit the train): Yeah. Do you like the cup mommy? Do you? Do you?
--1 Train
Overheard by: RG
Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment
Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don't know. Hell's Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem's still bad, but it's not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Alex Remnick
And Then We'd Have a Reason to Drink
Hipster dude: Hey, wanna know the best way to not get carded at restaurants?
Hipster chick: Offer blowjobs?
Hipster dude: Naw, we could kidnap a kid, train it to call us mommy and daddy, and bring it with us everywhere when we wanna drink.
--7th & Bleecker
Can We Take a Picture with the Pissed-Off Guy, Honey?
(spectators gather behind a wall of paparazzi taking pictures)
Tourist woman: Who is that?
Guy #1: David Wright and Willie Randolph.
Tourist woman: Who are they?
Guy #1: Baseball players.
Tourist woman: Ooooh. Which team?
Guy #1: The Mets.
Tourist woman: Oh. Honey! It's just the Mets, let's go.
Guy #2 (with Mets hat): Hey! Fuck you!
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: am
...Wait-- Was That a Sex Joke?
(back door opens and closes, then the bus starts moving)
Obnoxious Hispanic Emo girl: Back doooor! Back doooor!
Bus driver: What the fuck!? Speak up, I don't have all day!
Obnoxious girl: Back dooooor!
Bus driver: I have a family! I'm tired! I want to go home!
Obnoxious girl: Back doooooooor.
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, our future.
--Bx41
Overheard by: If He's Dissapointed with this I hope he never walks into one of New York's public schools
Meet the Author of How to Make a Straight Guy Shut Up
Guy at bar: I'm sorry if I'm being an asshole.
Gay bartender: Oh, don't worry -I deal with assholes all the time.
--Montien, 12th & 3rd
Jesus Wept
Late teenage girl #1: I was gonna go to college but I got pregnant.
Late teenage girl #2: So did I.
Late teenage girl #1: How old is your kid?
Late teenage girl #2: My kid is four. What about yours?
Late teenage girl #1: She's three. I should have gone to college. My grades were so good I got accepted to Sylvan Learning Center.
Late teenage girl #2 (serious): Wow, you must be smart.
--A Train
Like, What's with the Curly Hair?
Nurse #1: So what are you guys doing for passover?
Nurse #2: Nothing.
Nurse #1: No Seder?
Nurse #2: I'm not Jewish.
Nurse #1: No way? Really?
Nurse #2: Really.
Nurse #1: Yes, you are.
Nurse #2: I'm not.
Nurse #1: You totally are. I know you are.
--Mount Sinai Hospital
Overheard by: Janis
She Also Needs to Emerge Victorious from Every Conversation
(waiting for a train near the last few cars)
Guy: This train looks pretty crowded.
Girl: Yeah. Good thing Jackie isn't with us.
Guy: What do you mean?
Girl: If Jackie can't ride in the first car, she'll wait for the next train.
Guy: Why?
Girl: "Because you get there first!" she says. Jackie! The whole train gets there at the same time!
--Pen Station
Overheard by: GregLarry
Then They Both Linked Arms and Skipped Off to Eternal Damnation
(group of black teenagers board the train)
Teenage girl: Goddamn, there are a lot of people on this train.
Middle-aged Mexican woman: How dare you? How dare you! I am a Christian and I will not put up with this. Not on my train. You are disrespecting our Lord and every Christian on this train! God sent his beloved son Jesus down to the earth to save our souls, and I will not put up with hearing you speak against him. I am a Christian and... Nah, I'm just fucking with 'ya.
--E Train
Overheard by: fusoya
I'm the Hippie Equivalent of Karl Rove
Short shaggy-haired guy: Hahaha, I know, right? (pause) Wait, I don't get it.
Tall shaggy-haired guy: I don't get it either, man. I just say stuff.
--3rd Ave b/w 14th & 15th
...Like Little Vaginas
Black girl #1: Can I feel the inside of your ear?
Black girl #2: Um...
Black girl #1: I'm not gay, I just like the way ears feel!
--6 Train
Don't They Know They Can't Jump?
Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.
--5 Train
Overheard by: b
Um...That's Sarah Jessica Parker
Girl: Whoa! That dog is huge!
Boy next to her: Um... That's a horse.
--Times Square
Overheard by: I guess that's a common mistake...
The Girls Learn How Important It Is to Be Cute
Man: That's a very cute dog!
Girl #1: Yes, she is. My dad got her at a pet store. He was going to get a dog at the shelter, but he didn't want to.
Girl #2: Yeah, so the dog he would have gotten at the shelter died, because it was a kill shelter.
Dad: Um, I'm not really taking full responsibility for that.
Girl #1: The dog was killed. Just because you didn't want it.
Girl #2: Yeah, dad.
Dad: Really. I think this is less than 5% my fault. Look, this where we get off.
Man: Have a good night! Sleep well.
--Elevator, 82nd & 3rd
Overheard by: emily
Well, That Is the Default Setting
College girl #1: So I think I'll just get the whole thing waxed, so that the next time I go, it just won't hurt that much.
College girl #2: I don't get it.
College girl #1: Like, I'll be hairy the first time, so it will hurt, and then when I go back, I'll be like: "Oh, that wasn't as painful as the first time."
College girl #2: Shit, shut up! You're so loud! Now that guy knows you have a hairy vagina.
--Union Square Train Station
Overheard by: the trainman
He Would've Said "Mate"
Guy: I like it when people copulate onstage.
Girl: "Copulate?!" What are you, David Attenborough?
--NYU
So She's at Least As Much Of a Lady As Cruella De Vil
(cop pulls a drunk hipster chick in faux fur off the train for littering)
Drunk hipster girl: What? I can't believe he just fucking did that! That wasn't even her lollipop!
Drunk hipster guy: I know, man. I feel like such an asshole. Like I didn't even do anything.
Drunk hipster girl: Like seriously, how can he just arrest her? She's a lady! (yelling) she was wearing fur!
--L Train
Overheard by: Bewildered
So Crispy and Cheesy
Girl: I think there's a pretty good seafood restaurant around here. What kind of fish do you like?
Boyfriend: I really like goldfish.
--E14th & 3rd
Overheard by: one order of koi, please
Ten Bucks Says He's Making Water Balloons
Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man: You're totally on a condom run!
(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man: Did you pull out of that shit?
Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I'd high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)
--Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St
Overheard by: a
But I Warn You-- Once You Start, You Aren't Gonna Want to Stop
Girl #1 (in bodega): Oooh, can I have a little taste of that?
Girl #2: Lick my crabs!
--133rd & Amsterdam
I Put a Missed Connection on Craigslist, But You Never Responded
Female African American police officer: Don't you remember I was the one who kicked you out of Yankee stadium?
Hobo: I don't recall this. I don't recall this.
Female African American police officer: Yep. It was me. I kicked your ass, I did.
--Avenue Q
Overheard by: innocent bystander
Don't Ask Questions You Won't Believe the Answers to
(man and woman chatting, he has a slight pot belly)
Woman: Do you work out?
Man: Yes, I do, actually.
Woman (in disbelief): Really?
--Elevator 2, Penn Plaza
When I Chain You to the Treadmill Tonight, I'll Be Doing It with Love
Middle-aged woman on her cell: Where are you? Don't get the pizza, it's too many calories. Just get a salad or something. Well, I only say that because I had a nightmare last night where you got big. It was awful. Oh, honey, come on I love you, stop.
I'm just saying, if you had a dream that a building was collapsing and a guy was about to walk into it, wouldn't you say "stop"? Well, then we agree.
--Pax Wholesome Foods, 6th & 40th
Shocking That the MTA Hasn't Figured Out a Way to Make Money Off of This
Man, watching display for track announcement: Oh, look, it says "Stand by"! Here it comes! Whaddaya think it'll be? I'm betting on 9.
Woman: Oh, I say 10. What do you think, mom?
Older woman: Er, 11.
Man: How about you, Fred*?
Older man, not very interested: 5, I guess.
Man: 9 comes up a lot. I take this train all the time and it's almost always 9. I'll give you 2 to 1 odds on 5, though. 2 to 1, Fred*.
(older man ignores him)
Man: Come on 9! Damn it, now that guy's standing right in front of it. Do you believe that? Down in front! Go 9!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Rose Fox
I Mean, What's Worse Than an Incestuous Generation Gap?
Blonde: Wait, she fucked her uncle? That's so wrong.
Redhead: He's only, like, three years older than her.
Blonde: Oh, that uncle? That's not so bad then. I'd fuck him if he was my uncle.
--NYU Classroom
Overheard by: sitting behind them, laughing my ass off
But I Did Finish All My Homework
Dad: Did you fart today?
Son: No.
--Cafe, 49th & 9th
Overheard by: alxie
But That's What You Said About Cornell!
Older man (looking at the Chrysler building): Look, there's the Empire State Building!
Teenage girl: What do they do in there? I mean, what is it?
Older man: It's a college.
--42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Eric
And Is Lucky the Leprechaun a Prima Donna in Real Life?
(Irish service elevator operator is showing new guy the ropes, delivery Thug walks in)
Operator, with Irish brogue: What's up?
Thug: 11 C, man. (thug looks at the new guy)
Thug: You new man? Yo, I gotta ask you a question, do you drink beer?
New guy: Yup.
Thug: You drink Guinness?
New guy: Yeah, sometimes.
Thug: Alright, I gotta know, is the Guinness here different from the Guinness back home?
New guy: I am a Long Island Jew.
Thug: Shit, for real? I thought everybody who worked here was from Ireland.
(thug gets off the elevator to make delivery)
Operator: You should've asked him if it's different buying food in a supermarket instead of having to chase and kill it with a spear.
--E 77th St
God Help Him If He Shows Up There in a Codpiece and Plumed Hat
Female tourist: I don't want to go to Harlem.
Male tourist: I do! They had a renaissance!
--Green Line
Overheard by: Linds
Where Fox Does Its Recruiting for Moment of Truth
(two guys coming out of the bar bathroom)
Guy #1: I'm taking another shot.
Guy #2: What have you got to lose? Pride? Fuck pride.
Guy #1: You're right man.
--Bar, 35th & 3rd
At Least Our Nipples Are Perky!
(at the freezer section)
Dumb blond mom: Jesus, why's it gotta be so cold in here?
Dumb blond daughter: Oh god, I know! Like it's not cold enough outside.
--PathMart, Forest Ave
Overheard by: Ben
The Federal Tax Code, Encapsulated
Hobo to passerby: Sir, can you spare a thousand dollars?
Passerby: Haha... Oh you're serious.
--21st & 3rd
Overheard by: Paul
Well, It Is the Number Two Train
(a very obnoxious, lingering fart was dropped and filled the entire car during rush hour)
Teen girl to friend: Ohmigod! Let's get out of here, it smells like shit!
Old man, five minutes later: What's the matter with you fucking people? Somebody open up a god damned window!
--2 Train
The Pretty-Girl Entitlement Statute Begins to Wane in Influence
(three men hail a taxi and get in)
Girl: Hey, I was over there waiting for a long time. May I have your cab?
Guy #1: Are you serious?
Girl: Yes, I was on the other corner, waiting.
Guy #2 (laughing in her face): Are you fucking serious, lady?
Girl: Buy I was on the other corner waiting for a long time.
Guy #3: Oh, well! You were on the other corner, kiddo. Get more aggressive.
Girl: But guys... I was waiting...
Guy #1 (as taxi leaves): Courtesy, bitch.
--14th & 2nd
Overheard by: Luke
...But, Um, I Assumed He Was Passed Out the Whole Time
Girl #1: Okay so like, I wasn't going to tell you guys but Ed* and I really did have sex last night... I was lying on the phone.
Girl #2: But we knew that already! Ed* called me crying this morning because he thought he took advantage of you.
Girl #3: Ok... this is weird.
--9th St & 5th Ave
Isn't There a Bar That'd Take You In?
Store employee over loudspeaker: Attention shoppers. The time now is 9 pm. This store is now closing, please bring all your items to the front register.
Loud guy in the back: I don't want to go home!
--238th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Mandy
And Please Refrain from the Arsenio Fist-Pound
Drunk hobo #1 (in response to young person playing the guitar): Woohoo!
Drunk hobo #2: Why do you always have to be like that? It's woo... hoo... Not woohoo!
--Washington Square Park
Dear Hugh Laurie--Call Me --Love, Danielle
Cute girl about upcoming CAT scan: There's a part of me that's actually a little excited... or at least interested, because, you know, it's a new experience.
Friend: It will be an adventure. A medical adventure. Like House!
Girl: Except the doctor won't be nearly as sexy as Hugh Laurie.
Friend: But he'll have a better bedside manner.
Girl: It'd be worth the bedside manner if he were that sexy.
Friend: We've gotta stop watching that show. It gives us unrealistic expectations.
Girl: My mind right now is like 45% fear, 25% excitement, 15% rational thought, you know, that it's probably not cancer, and the rest is Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard battling for my affections.
Friend: We've gotta stop watching that show.
--L Train
Overheard by: Jonah
I'll Need to Review the Ensemble Personally, First
Teenage nymphette: I want to go back to the hotel and go swimming.
Chaperone: What do you have to swim in?
Teenage nymphette: My bra and thong.
Chaperone: Oh no no, I don't think so.
--Top of the Rock Observation Floor
That Guy Changes His Hair Color More Than I Do!
Girl #1: So how is every thing?
Girl #2: Good, I talked to James... He's dying.
Girl #1: Ah, I see.
Girl #2: Yeah, so things are great! (nods repeatedly)
--Exiting City Hall Station
There's Also That "Olive Garden" I've Been Hearing So Much About
Tourist woman #1: Well, where should we go to eat instead?
Tourist woman #2: I hear that Ray's Pizza is suppose to be excellent!
--W 54th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Levram
Military Service Might Help You Get Started
Boyfriend: You know what I really want to be?
Girlfriend: What, sweetie?
Boyfriend: A crazy old man! The kind with a shotgun that threatens to shoot at kids and steals stuff and never wears his dentures!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Me too!
Ten Bucks Says He Asks Her Out Before They Get to Their Floor
Ugly guy: Yeah, we broke up because it just didn't work out between us. We had too many differences.
Pretty girl: I'm sorry to hear that. How long has it been?
Ugly guy: Years, so I'm over it. Well, we were swingers so it got complicated. Well, - I was a swinger. She wasn't.
Pretty girl: Ummm... (stares at wall) Great elevator conversation!
--Elevator, Viacom Building, 44th & Broadway
Tim Gunn?
Girl: Honey, who's that white guy in our class?
Boy: Which guy?
Girl: The white guy with the accent? It's like a gangster accent?
Boy: Gangster accent?
Girl: You know: "Yo yo, what's up?" (throws up gang signs)
Boy: I didn't know gangsters had accents.
--Parsons New School for Design
Headline by: LJ
Runners-Up:
· "A Whole New Way to Fulfill a Language Requirement" - Bill
· "And Since When Did "The Shocker" Become a Gang Sign?" - cbeck
· "Clearly You Haven't Spent Enough Time Watching Bad Dance Movies" - mk
· "Keanu Reeves Deeply Researches Yet Another Role" - Bevan
· "Parsons New School Of Liberal Denial Is on 43rd." - EddieA
· "That's Not an Accent. He's Deaf. Those Aren't Gang Signs. It's Sign Language." - DB
· "The REAL Michelle and Barack" - Qasar
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If You Don't Watch Them Every Second, They'll Buy Internet Stock.
Suit #1: Hippos are freaky! All them teeth, and how they can go under the water... Hell, that's scary!
Suit #2: No! Rhinos are what you should be scared of. Rhinos will fuck you up. Man, rhinos are crazy!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Anna
Is It Stubbleday Already?
Girl: Well, I didn't shave my armpits this morning.
Guy: Oh.
Girl: Yeah, that was my idea of celebrating!
--12th St & Broadway
Still Think Only Women Play That Game?
Five-year-old son: I'm mad at you.
Mom: Why honey?
Five-year-old son: Because you wouldn't buy me an umbrella!
Mom: You never asked for one!
--Times Square Shuttle
Overheard by: Heather
Wednesdays Make You Want to Have One-Liners of Your Own
Little white boy to frustrated black nanny who is trying to hail a cab: My daddy always gets a taxi!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Dan
Little boy: This place is like a dead zoo.
--American Museum of Natural History
Four-year-old boy: Yo, this sofa is mad comfy!
--Used Furniture Store, Staten Island
Four-year-old boy: That's enough, I'm calling Interpol!
--A Train
Overheard by: Swarles
Little girl to mom after terrible Skyride attraction: Mommy, can we never do this again?
(random guy behind her starts laughing) Stop it! Stop laughing at me!
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Claire
Eight-year-old boy: This museum is inappropriate.
--The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Greek & Roman Sculpture Wing
Overheard by: Taylor
Wednesday One-Liners Are Down, but Not Out
Hobo with two jars in front of him: Food or drugs! Choose whether you'd like to sponsor my evening shot or dinner!
--Central Park
Homeless man: Hey, bindi-a, lookin' good today! (Indian girl ignores his comment, begins to walk away). Fine! When you get mugged, I'm not helping you!
--Washington Square Park
Enterprising lady hobo: You could use your credit card to get cash, and give me the cash.
--Outside Dunkin' Donuts, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Panhandling hobo: Spare some change for a large bottle of water and a nice Chef salad? Spare some change for bottled water and salad?
--Broadway & 10th St
Hobo: Hey lemme borrow those red Converse! I've got a hot date with Monica Lewinsky tonight!
--14th & 6th
Hobo to another: "You're gonna turn me into a waffle?" That's what she told me, you said! A waffle? Oh no, I don't think so!
--23rd b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: sara
Crazy hobo: Watch out for traffic and knuckleheads! Beware! (points at random pedestrian) Him! He's a knucklehead! Don't trust him!
--5th Ave & 49th St
Wednesday One-Liners Pretend They've Read Kerouac
Hipster chick: It costs like $280 to go blonde, which seems expensive but it's totally worth it because then you're blonde.
--Hop Scotch
Overheard by: bildita
Hipster: My brother entitled all of his college essays "Heeeey Essaaaaay!"
--Smith Street & President
Overheard by: Michelle C.
(drunk or ill hipster guy lying on stairs moans pitifully and vomits)
Hipster's friend, looking away and pretending not to know him: Ha! Fag!
--7th Ave
Young hipster: Let's face it, at some point I'm gonna be homeless.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Conti
Hipster girl: Pickles are so in right now.
--Renegade Arts Festival, Williamsburg
In Wednesday One-Liners We Trust
Hipster chick: Popping a blister is like smacking god in the face!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Alice
Homeless man on train begging for money by telling jokes: A black man and a white man go into a bar. They get into a fight with each other. And then they die. And then they go to heaven and god says to them: "What it is... what it is!"
--1 Train
Overheard by: Kristin
Girl to friend: I'm gonna have to get ghetto on god!
--61st & Broadway
Overheard by: lizzerd
Homeless man says to homeless woman: Now, these people are trying to hoodwink god!
--Seventh Ave & Lincoln Place, Park Slope
Overheard by: Annie
Professor to students: God is not a drug dealer!
--Fordham University
Kathy Griffin Makes Fun Of Wednesday One-Liners
White queer to friend: So I was sitting there at the restaurant with my parents and looked to my left, and who was there? LL Cool J! Ooooh, girl, he is fine. I was all: "Hey, LL, you can park your big Underground Railroad right in my behind!"
--UES
Hipster: You can't really enjoy Evel Knievel in the traditional sense.
--St. Mark's Place
Nine-year old boy to another: Ooh, Indiana Jones! Look, Shia LaBeouf! I used to go out with him.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: learned something new about Shia LeBeouf
Proud teen: I had my picture taken with Dennis Rodman's sister.
--Houston & West Broadway
Worried hipster: And I think Judge Judy would just say that I don't have a leg to stand on.
--W 19th St
Bus driver: I know what it's like to miss a flight. You have to ride a Greyhound bus and sit next to a fat guy who eats Cheez-Its and talks about Scott Baio way too much.
--NYAS Shuttle, JFK
Overheard by: innocent bus rider
Drink Deep, or Taste Not the Wednesday One-Liners!
Fabulous woman: That's all vodka under the bridge.
--55 Bar
Overheard by: Girl Margaret
Huge man to small child trying to participate in conversation: No, son, we're not talking about your school--we're talking about Bam! You trying to get all up in the Kool-Aid, but you don't even know the flavor.
--C Train
Drunk girl, accidentally taking swig of vodka instead of water: This wetness is spicy!
--Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gnomies
Skinny teen: I wish they made diet water.
--Times Square
JAP: I'd like a Pellegrino.
--Hooters
Middle-aged suit yelling into cell: No- I want to see you drink the bong water!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Me Too...
Wednesday One-Liners Haven't Met Most Of Their Friends
Yuppie: I don't google enough.
--F Train, 7th Ave
Overheard by: imaginexrach
Girl on cell: Not being on Facebook is ruining my life!
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: Asian Kid
Assistant on phone, about her 17-year-old daughter's MySpace page: I find it interesting that she and her friend Shannon have the same friend listed. Some 32-year-old guy in California named Tom!
--Office on 42nd & Madison
Overheard by: herspace
Man: I'm going to go home and e-mail some shameless bitches.
--8th St & Broadway
Grad student at computer, dolefully: Without right-click I just don't know what to do with the world.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners -- Not the South American Country
Train conductor: Now arriving at 116th street, Columbia University. Ivy league. Ivy league... Ivy league... Ivy league... Stand clear of the closing doors.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Amused Subway Rider
Guy on phone: I'm a tool, I'll admit that.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ed
Chick on cell: How did they know I was feeling hormonal? And did they need to announce it on my boarding pass?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: YotGC
(Columbia student #1 jaywalks in front of a car)
Columbia student #2: I can't get hit by a car right now! I have a paper to write!
--115th & Broadway
(two frat boys in boxers run a lap down 113th as a third cheers them on)
Sorority girl: Sometimes I wonder how some of these people get into Columbia...
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: wondering the same thing
Wednesday One-Liners Go Great with Biscotti
Suit: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a financially stable family with two children. I just played fourteen holes at the country club and would kill for an iced cappuccino. Please give me some money.
--1 Train
Man, about two women passing: Fellas, you can't let them get away! If you do, they'll turn into a cup of coffee and a buttered roll!
--Bleecker & 11th
Toothless bum: Hey man, can I get two dollars so I can get myself a Cappuccino?
--B Train
Overheard by: Comack
Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I want to take a picture of Starbucks!
--42nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners for the Crazy Cat Lady
Guy on cell: I guess you'd rather spend time with your cat than me. That's cool.
--Brooklyn Heights
Thug to girl calling for cat: You lost your cat, baby? Shit, this is Brooklyn, there's so many street cats out here they probably ate your cat.
--Franklin & Classon, Prospect Heights Brooklyn
Teen, talking about guitars: You can never have too many. They're like cats.
--17th & 8th
Girl on cell: Yeah, I want one too, but we should start with a cat and see how that is. You know, play it by ear.
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Is that how it works?
Girl: If I looked like a cat's poop hole I'd still want to be loved... and eaten.
--JFK
The Tao Of Wednesday One-Liners
Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I'd say if I was from Japan? I'd say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"
--E Train, 42nd St
Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.
--Brooklyn DMV
40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I'm serious!
--Upper West Side
Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It's the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that's what upsets me.
--99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!
--Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown
Wednesday One-Liners Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay
Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can't I just be regular?!
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: JMcheer
Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!
--67th & Park Ave
Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!
--1st Ave, East Village
Overheard by: B
Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I'm gonna take my 15 minutes. I'm taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight... Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)
--H&M Store
Overheard by: nyu kid
Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie... That movie made me gay.
--Restaurant, 19th & 8th
Overheard by: batou187
Queer on cell: I know... I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!
--Central Park
And No Way You're Getting My Kickball in the Settlement
Nanny to boy blocking slide: Hi, are you going down the slide?
(kid shakes head)
Nanny: Well, can we get past you?
(kid shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share.
(Sam shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share or I will leave you.
--69th & West End
Mom's Fling With Josh Ended Predictably
14-year old girl #1: Did you call her a bitch?
14-year old girl #2: No. I was like: "Mom! You have chlamydia. Shut up!"
--B Train
Overheard by: Jessica
I Keep Eating Cheeseburgers and Sleeping with Women, to No Avail.
Hipster #1: Yeah, my 500-pound lesbian aunt went to Woodstock when she was 16. She still lives there.
Hipster #2: God, I wish I had been at Woodstock when I was 16.
Hipster #3: I wish I was a 500-pound lesbian in Woodstock.
--N 6th St, Williamsburg
You're Welcome to Babysit Mine for a While
Dude #1: Today, I saw someone wearing jeans that were like, way too tight.
Asian chick: Skinny jeans? I love skinny jeans!
Dude #1: On a guy? These were on a guy!
Asian chick: Oh, then... no.
Dude #1: Guys shouldn't wear their jeans that tight. It's bad for the balls.
Dude #2: It's seriously bad for the balls. It's unhealthy.
Asian chick (skeptically): Nuh-uh.
Dude #2: You wouldn't know!
Dude #1: You don't even have balls!
Asian chick: No. (considers) But if I did, I'd play with them all the time.
--NYU Elevator
Overheard by: Hannah
Miss Wetter and Mr. Beaver Got Off to a Rocky Start
Girl #1: She wouldn't even take his name?
Girl #2: And she even refused to hyphenate? That's ridiculous!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Noelle
What the Banner in the Airport Should Say
(girl runs into a woman crossing the street)
Woman (turning to confront girl): Are you kidding me?!
Girl: Are you kidding me?
Woman: Can't you see?!
Girl: Watch where you're going!
Woman: Are you kidding me!?
Girl: Oh god! This is New York, get over it!
--40th St & 6th Ave
The Girls-Gone-Wild Bar Gets Raised Every Year
Girl #1: So both the girls took off their panties and spread their cheeks for the crowd. And you would not believe it, but the one girl started eating the other one's ass!
Girl #2: Nothing says "goodnight" like a good ass licking.
--Vespa, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Steve
McCarthyism Is Now Easier Than Ever
Random hipster guy: So yeah, I've lived here forever and I don't know any Russians. I really want to know one.
Farm stand sales girl: Really? That's so funny! I just met one a few days ago at some bar. I think he gave me his number.
Random hipster guy: Awesome! Would you give me his number? I really want to know a Russian. I mean, I'm not gay or anything, I just want to know him. You wanna give me his number?
Farm stand sales girl: Sure, here.
--SoHo Farmer's Market
Overheard by: Kate
Only When I Went Into the Bathroom and Did Contortions, Though
Guy #1: Do you want to go here or Houlihan's?
Guy #2: I went to Houlihan's and it smelled like butthole.
Guy #1: Okay.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Clarktadd
It's Like the Universe in That Respect
Street vendor: Designer jewelry. Five dollars.
Woman: Really? What designer?
Street vendor: Who knows.
--52st & 5th
After He Saw on Dr. Phil That Families Should Do Things Together
Young male professional: So your dad's cool with you not eating?
Young female professional: Yeah, he's totally fine with it. He's gonna start next week too.
--Union Square
A Whole Continent Left Sticky and Unsatisfied
Guy: I need to go to Europe more often, I kinda compare it to sex, I always come back more relaxed and a little more pleasant to be around.
Girl with him: Gross.
--6 Train
And Now He's Got My Vote
Girl #1: So how did you meet him?
Girl #2: He just came up to me on the street and asked me my name... Then he asked me if I wanted to get a drink, so I took him to the bar everyone was at.
Girl #1: Then what happened?
Girl #2: Then we fucked.
Girl #1: What? Just like that?
Girl #2: Yeah, I can hardly remember, but we left the bar, grabbed a cab, went to my dorm and then we fucked.
--CVS, 9th & 58th
Princess Smoke-'em-up Is Having a Weird Day
Guy: So she invited me in and I had a beer.
Girl: You had a beer?! What?!
Guy: Yeah, I had a beer.
Girl: Oh my god! That is so weird!
Guy: Well, I mean, I didn't have my own. So I had a beer and then we rehearsed.
Girl: Oh my god. I can't believe you had a beer and then rehearsed! That is so weird!
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Bingo in the Parish Hall Prepares You for Eternal Torment
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, I celebrate Easter. I'm Catholic. It's tradition for my family to go gambling in Atlantic City that day.
Teenage girl #2: Wait, isn't that one of the seven unforgivable vices? You're doing it on Easter, too. Haha.
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, well... We don't really believe in that religion bullshit. Atlantic City allows us to stick it to the man.
Teenage girl #1: Is that Jesus? Wow, you're going to hell.
--51st & Park Ave
Mmm...Marriage...
Art teacher: This piece is from the enlightenment period in England and is called "Marriage a la Mode".
Kid to friend: Wait... Marriage with ice cream?
--Bronx Science Art History Class
Overheard by: One with whipped cream please
Help Us, MTV-- You're Our Only Hope!
Girl #1: MTV is putting out another one of those stupid beach shows where they just film stuck-up bitches.
Girl #2: They have so fucking many of those, they're pointless, they need to do something different.
Girl #1: Yeah! They should film us, that would be awesome.
Girl #2: Totally, I would watch it.
(pause)
Girl #1: My ankles hurt!
Girl #2: Yeah, my left one hurts.
Girl #1: My right does.
--Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Emily J.
A Couple More Blocks and You'll Start Seeing the Hipsters
Girl to her friend: Where are we?
Old man passing by: It only gets worse...
--4 Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn
Shield Them from Harm; Deploy Them Only in Emergencies
Little girl to mother: Puberty means the period, right?
Mother to little girl: Yes, and the breasts. Don't forget about the breasts.
--47th & Lexington
Overheard by: Simun
The Goy Scouts of America Could Not Be Reached for Comment
New Yorker guy: You know that summer camp I went to? My friend is now the head of it and I'm going to help him out next month.
Girl, laughing: Awww, you're going to teach the kiddies how to canoe and tie slip knots?
New Yorker guy: No, I'm gonna teach them about the Holocaust.
Girl (laughs then pauses): Wow, that is not what we did at Girl Scout camp in Wisconsin.
--6th Ave & 19th St
So It's Like a Blog That You Carry Around?
20-something girl: Today I saw the cutest rat, it was just sitting there cleaning itself.
20-something guy: No way! I saw a cute rat today too. When I came to New York I thought that all the rats would be huge with glowing eyes and sharp fangs, but I kind of wanted to keep it... Look! I even wrote it down. (gets out notebook) Saw first rat today, it was surprisingly cute.
--4 Train Station
Never Take Sex Advice From the Tin Man
Hipster guy #1: Just, like, wait for her to bend down to tie her shoe or some shit.
Hipster guy #2: Then I should put it in? Like, through her pants?
Hipster guy #1: What? You've never been that hard?
--Studio B, Brooklyn, NY
Overheard by: DJALLTHETIME
Headline by: blistexaddict
Runners-Up:
· "... But Do Vinyl Stretch Pants Work As a Contraceptive?" - I'm wearing them, just in case
· "It Cuts Through Anything, Even This Aluminum Can." - Beery
· "It's the Only Way I Got Any in Saudi Arabia" - master
· "Mary Could Never Quite Explain to Her Doctor How Her Tonsils Got Perforated." - Jen
· "Oh Sure, That's How I Sewed This Shirt." - Taylor
· "Or Just Use That Knife Thing From Se7en" - BabakganoosH
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Strippers With Stretch Marks Are More of a Niche Market
Girl #1: She don't have no stretch marks or nothin'.
Girl #2: If I looked like her, I'd be able to work at Lace.
Girl #1 (enviously): Lace...
--46th St, Astoria
When I Try It, I Come Away with Cold Sores and Shame
Tween girl to friends: Did you know kissing is good for your health?
Cashier lady: Kissing *who*?
--Loehmann's Upper West Side
Jessica Simpson Has Fallen Upon Hard Times
Male customer (looking dubiously at sandwich in wrapper marked chicken): Is this the fish fillet sandwich I ordered?
Counter person: Yes, the chicken is the fish.
--Wendy's, Boston Road, The Bronx
Overheard by: Suze V
...By Writing Their Statistics in Blood on My Bathroom Mirror
Geek boy: You printed out her whole Facebook page!
Asian girl: Dude, you're a total stalker!
Stalker boy: I'm not a stalker, I just like to keep track of people!
--2 Train
Overheard by: MTA's Flying Dutchman
She's One of My Best Facebook Friends
Trendy girl #1: I mean, Michelle's one of my best friends...
Trendy girl #2: Oh, I've been meaning to ask you, did Michelle and Kyle break up?
Trendy girl #1: I think so. According to Facebook.
--A Train
...For Silly Things Like Your Medicine.
(dad is making Care Bear stuffed animal "dance."
Little girl: Stop shaking her, daddy! You're gonna make her cry! Except she's a mommy and mommies don't cry, right?
Dad: Only when they want money.
--Manhattan-bound F Train
Overheard by: alisha
And Getting Better Every Minute
Girl (sobbing): I'm sorry... I know cheating is never the answer... I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you.
(long silence)
Guy (chuckling): Sorry for laughing. I'm just thinking of what a better person than you I am.
(five minutes later)
Guy (still chuckling): You know you're hot and guys hit on you all the time but what you forget is that I'm hot. Girls hit on me every day. But I'd never cheat because I'm a good person.
--Metro Cafe, 57th & 5th
Actually, My Dealer Bestowed It Upon Me
Guy: Oh my god! I just snorted!
Girl: Hey! There's only room for one snorter and I've already claimed that title.
--AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Natalie
Eminem's Also from Michigan, So You Do the Math
Guy from Michigan: That stripper robbed me.
Cop: How so?
Guy from Michigan: She said if I gave her $150 she would jerk me off. I payed her the $150 and she didn't do it. I want her arrested.
Cop: Is everyone from Michigan an asshole or just you?
--Show World
...For Taking Pictures Of My Bed and Posting Them on the Internet.
Dad: So what's that thing you want for your birthday again?
Little boy: A Wii.
Dad: Wii? As in wee-wee? Gross!
Little boy: You're immature.
Dad: You wet the bed.
Little boy: You're immature.
--1 Train
Hey, the One Thing Gays and Straights Agree on Is Julie Andrews
Guy #1: So there I was, screwing my pillow in my sleep... Ya know, really bouncing the bed.
Guy #2: So... What? She didn't like that?
Guy #1: Well, ya know, she woke me up and asked if I was alright. Ya know. I mean I was laying there with a boner you could break rocks with and all confused. That's when I said "Where's Julie?"
Guy #2: That's freakin' messed up, man!"
Guy #1: Yeah. Crap... That being her sister's name and all.
Guy #2: I'm going to laugh my ass off over this. Did you tell her it was Julie Andrews?
Guy #1: Fuck! I didn't want her to think I was a pervert or something.
--NYU
Development of the Vitamin-Enhanced Pussy Hits a Snag
Girl: No! I will not put your Propel bottle in my vag!
Boy: Come on, I'm sure it'll fit!
Girl: No! I will not! Do you want vag juices all up in your Propel bottle?!
(boy walks away)
Girl (to self): I didn't think so.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Sophie
You Could Do That Now--It Would Just Be Yucky
Teenage girl #1: But what if humans could lay eggs too?
Teenage girl #2: That's disgusting! I wouldn't want to eat your eggs!
Teenage girl #3: You know, then you could always survive. Even if you were trapped on an island. You could just eat your own eggs!
Teenage girl #1: Yes. But, only once a month.
--East Houston St
I Was on a Lot of Drugs in Grade School
Customer to punk teenage girl behind counter: I'd like a dozen rolls, please.
Punk teenage girl: A dozen... What's that, like twenty?
--Delicatessen, Park Place
Or Was That Mustard?
Lady: I'm lactose intolerant!
Waitress: Then why are you putting butter on your bread?
Lady: I didn't know butter was dairy! I thought it came from eggs!
--Veselka, E 9th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Katznik
Carrot Top?
Bearded guy #1: Wow! Two Quakers on one train! We could start a riot.
Bearded guy #2: Or whatever the opposite of a riot is.
--Metro North Hudson Line
Well, Sometimes We Toast Them.
Waiter from Minnesota: Yeah, check it out! Minnesota is the 2nd healthiest-eating state!
Bartender from Brooklyn: What do you eat in Minnesota?
Waiter: Well, there are a lot of Scandinavians there so we eat like, you know, sandwiches.
Bartender: (silence)
Waiter: What?
Bartender: You're actually serious, aren't you?
--Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave
Overheard by: TrigStarr
That's the Only Proof You Ever Had Sex?
Creepy guy: I was in Japan and went on this rampage and slept with this woman who was 38 and had a kid and was married. Her husband had a bad back and couldn't have sex with her, but he was fully aware I was sleeping with her. I was kind of doing him a favor.
Creepy guy's date: Did he watch?
Creepy guy: No, but he wanted us to videotape it. So somewhere in Japan there's a video of me doing it with an older woman.
--Park Slope
Eh, the Whole Country Was Roofied in 2000 and Then Again in 2004
Trendy girl #1: So, I'm fairly sure I was roofied this weekend.
Trendy girl #2: (mildly interested) Oh?
Trendy girl #1: Yeah, but he was tall, rich and handsome, so I guess it could be worse, right?
(trendy girl #2 nods and shrugs)
--Midtown Office Elevator
His Morning Wood Is a Bonsai
Big Guido, yelling at female bystanders after minor traffic accident: Why don't you shut the fuck up and get something to do... go suck a dick somewhere!
Woman bystander: Well, I'd suck you if you weren't so small...
--55th & Madison
Overheard by: kerstin
From the Long-Awaited Ernest Goes to ESL
Girl to old man in baseball cap: What does the "E" on your hat stand for?
Old man: (unintelligible)
Girl: The "E"? What does it stand for?
Old man: (unintelligible)
Black lady observing scene: E stands for the English he don't speak.
--A Train
Overheard by: Brenda
Was That the Beginning of a Haiku?
Strange Latino man to girl: Excuse me, but I was wondering, do you like poetry?
Girl: (stares for a moment) Um, vomit.
--104th St & Broadway
Other than a pig, of course
Pudgy tourist mom to sulking pudgy son: You're not getting it, you're not getting it!
Pudgy tourist dad to sulking pudgy son: We're going to a nice restaurant, you are not gonna be an animal!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: wants to know what the kid wanted
They're So Cute Before They Learn to Cuss
(random guy trips over three-year-old girl's stroller)
Guy: Oops, I'm sorry, honey.
Three-year-old girl in stroller: Don't call me honey!
--Atlantic Ave Station
Overheard by: Michael
The Sane Are Held to a Higher Standard
(hip girl yells in excitement)
Old woman on street: Grow up!
Hip girl to friend: God! Homeless people spend all day screaming on the street and no one tells them too grow up.
Hip friend: Yeah, it's not your fault that your dad's a republican.
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: dobby
Just Like I Only Make Fun of Blacks For the Color of Their Skin
Salesman: Ah, so soly. Mr. Wong not in today.
Saleswomen: My boyfriend's Asian. Don't make fun of them.
Salesman: I'm not making fun of them. I'm making fun of the way they talk.
--Sales Department, SoHo
Like a Sloppy French Manicure
Biotech #1: Oh my god, there is no way she weighs 123 pounds. She is so fat!
Biotech #2: Oh my god I know! It's ridiculous.
Biotech #1 (later): I hate it when people misuse the term "Kafkaesque". It's so annoying.
Biotech #2: I know, right? Postmodernism sucks.
--Good Restaurant, Greenwich Ave
Hoping to Recapture the Life She Had Before Me and You
Little girl: Where's mommy?
Father: I told you, sweetie. Mommy's getting her new tattoo.
--10 St & 6th Ave
..now give me a kiss
Girl: Oh my god, I have to go the bathroom again.
Boy: I think you have a problem: you pee a lot.
Girl: Actually, I don't pee. I have a thing for public restrooms. I like to lick the toilet seat.
Boy: That's the last time I share a drink with you!
--Ludlow & Houston
Plus, He's Slightly More Company Than a Dildo
Guy: So she doesn't even like him?
Girl: No.
Guy: Well then, why does she stay with him?
Girl: I asked her that too. She said "He's got a twelve inch cock and he doesn't hit me. I'm stayin'!"
--Rivington & Allen
Overheard by: Jonathan
At Penn Station's Stereotype Lost-and-Found
Queer to friend: Never again! If I ever have to do that again, I'll stab myself in the face! (turns to Asian lady on escalator behind him) Hi! Don't kill yourself!
Asian lady: I probably should...
--Penn Station
It Was the Moustache
Bum #1, slurring: Hey! That's a nice shirt you got!
Bum #2, walking across the crosswalk, also slurring: You look like a catfish! [Turns to guy in a car.] Doesn't he look like a damn catfish!?
--12th St & 8th Ave
But You Should Probably Stop Doing the Two-Hand Point
Preppy kid: It's all fucking Guidos in this place.
Guido: You calling me a fuckin' Guido?
Preppy kid: (sarcastically) Nooo. No, you're no Guido. Where's your gold chain?
Guido: My cousin ripped it off in a fight.
Preppy kid: Yeah, you're definitely not a Guido.
--China Club
Overheard by: 13Atlantic
Where Noses and Powder Go Together Implicitly
Teenage girl #1: When I was little, my mom told me that whenever I had to go to the bathroom, I should say "Excuse me, I have to go powder my nose." But when I said it to my kindergarten teachers they didn't understand what I meant.
Teenage girl #2: That's because your kindergarten teachers, unlike your mom, weren't bitchy, uptight wasps.
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, I know. That's why I go to private school now.
--Terminal 5
At Least Our Mayor Speaks English
New Yorker #1: I had to tell my kid when she went to college in Boston that nowhere else could compare to New York, to just find the best of where you are.
New Yorker #2: Yeah, I always found Boston to be provincial.
--6 Train
Yeah, My Long-Term Goal Is a Solid-Gold Shroud
Daughter: This is a really nice dress for my first wedding, no?
Mother: Well, for the next one you will have more money, so you can get something even nicer.
--77th & Madison
Do You Fog Your Mother With That Mouth?
Exterminator, running late: Hey, sorry, but I was doin' this guy in the Village -I was foggin' him and bombin' him, the whole nine yards...
Client, snickering: Wish we could get that kind of service here.
Exterminator, oblivious: Well see, he pays extra...
--106th St & Broadway
I Managed to Struggle to the Surface Often Enough to Get Air
Fat woman #1, at intermission: Man, these seats are tight!
Fat woman #2: Oh my god, tell me about it! My butt is killing me!
Fat woman #1, to skinny guy sitting in between them: Was I spilling over into your seat?
Skinny guy: You both were.
--New Amsterdam Theatre
Overheard by: Ali
Luckily I'm Skilled in the Procedures for Reviving Them
EMT driver woman #1: Oooh... That dog is so cute!
EMT driver woman #2: Hmm, he is cute.
EMT driver woman #1: Sometimes I wish I had a dog instead of a child, cuz when the child grows up, they start talking, and then you just wanna knock 'em out!
--Jackson Heights
At the Poopy Booby Bagel Company
Girl #1: Hey look! (whispering) It says "poopy" right there.
Girl #2: (goes to the counter and looks at the sign) That doesn't say "poopy"! It says "poppy"!
Girl #1: Really!? Oh my god! That's so funny!
Girl #2: At first I thought you said they were "booby bagels".
--Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave
Overheard by: Azzerrr
Armored Bears Are Really a Last Resort
Small child in yarmulke: Mom, why are the bears in armor fighting?
Mother in stockings and wig: I don't know why, but that's not very nice. Jews don't do this, we solve our problems by talking.
--AMC Theatre
Overheard by: bryan
But at Least He Has an Alter Ego to Blame
Girl, about spiderman 3: It was a great movie if you wanted to see how to be the world's worst boyfriend. All he cared about was himself. I mean, how could he have been so stupid? He...
Guy: You know, it's not always the guy's fault.
Girl: But it was! Were we watching the same movie?
Guy: I can't believe we're arguing about whose fault it was that Peter and Mary Jane broke up.
Girl: It was his fault.
--Union Square
She Has a Nice Asian Personality
Female bartender: I forgot to tell you, I hired a new bartender. She will be here tonight.
Male bartender: Oh. Is she cute?
Female bartender: Well... She's Asian.
Male bartender: Oh. Asian Asian or cute Asian?
Female bartender: Ehhh... you know.
--Broadway Theater
I Love That Photo Where She's Holding the Thesaurus Between Her Thighs
Girl #1: Well, she does all that work for Playboy -which I really admire.
Girl #2: Yeah. And I like her because she's a little dorky.
Girl #1: Totally.
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Don't Worry-- It's for Purely Sexual Purposes
Woman: Someone told me that there was a dead squirrel around here.
Sanitation woman: Don't worry, we threw it away.
Woman: Oh. Do you know where? I'd like to have it.
--Washington Square Park South
Overheard by: Biebs
I'm Talking to the Tenant, Not the Apartment
Brunette (looking at her crotch): Helllllllooooooo!?
Blonde: Are you talking to your vagina?
Brunette: No, my chlamydia.
Blonde: I think you're talking to your vagina.
--Blockheads, 50th & 9th
Overheard by: Shirley
I'd Eat Gym Socks If They Were Breaded and Fried
(teenage lovers on city bus)
Teenage girl: Was that an eggplant sandwich I saw you eating?
Teenage boy: Yes, it was actually eggplant Parmesan.
Teenage girl: But, you don't even like eggs.
--SI City Bus
Don't Do It in Front of Witnesses
Little boy to dad (pointing at subway): Daddy, is that a big trash can?
Daddy: No.
Little boy: I'm going to throw trash in it.
--6 Train
Overheard by: reL
The Creation of the Prostitution Merit Badge
(in front of national HQ of Girl Scouts of America)
Construction worker #1: Do you see all the rich marble they used on this building?
Construction worker #2: Yeah. They sure had to sell a lot of fuckin' cookies to afford it.
--37th St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: dodgerswill
Headline by: C.J.
Runners-Up:
· "Actually, the United States Thin Mint Just Prints Them Money" - Lauren
· "I'll Take 7,954,300,348,000 Boxes Of Thin Mints Please!" - Eino Hill
· "It's Actually Constructed Of Stale Do-Si-Dos and the Corpses Of Girls Who Didn't Reach Their Quota" - Matthew K. Johnson
· "The Building Was Funded by an Anonymous Benefactor, on the Condition That It Be Built on Sesame Street." - James
· "The Reason They Added Heroin to Thin Mints" - ILOVEThinMints
· "Turning Tricks Is for Kids" - Qasar
· "You Should See the Boy Scouts Of America HQ... Don't Ask What They Sold." - fox
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Because He Sure Dances Like It
NYU guy: Jake* has problems.
NYU girl: Does he have polio?
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: Shanaca
The Angry Anorexics on the Train Were Too Weak to Attack Them
Hipster girl to boyfriend: And she was like this huge ass chick with this little tiny dude! And I was just like: "Yeah! Size like... doesn't fuckin' matter!"
Hipster boyfriend: I totally know!
--F Train
Overheard by: mark alan
Your Editors Hope a Knowledgeable Reader Will Explain This to Us
Bald construction guy: Dude, if you fell down while she was going down on you, I probably would have peed all over her. (swinging motion with hand at crotch area) Oooohhhh.
Suit: Oh my god, if you did that I would have started peeing on her too.
--Pizza Wagon, 86th Street
Overheard by: Trying to Enjoy my Lunch over here
Engorged, Throbbing Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to another: Eat the penis, Danielle, eat the penis.
--New Jersey Transit train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Tootles McGee
Black guy: Yo! Where my penis at?
--Bergenline Bus
Overheard by: Don't know how he lost it to begin with
Guy with big dog to girlfriend: Is my cock straight?
--12th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
Five-year-old son to father helping him ride a bicycle, seeing wooden posts out of the water: Daddy, is that a huge penis?
--South Seaport
Female suit: Their penises don't care!
--Times Square
Hobo: I'm the unluckiest son of a bitch I know! If it were raining vaginas, I'd get hit in the head with a penis.
--5th Ave
Girl on cell: That's good... Did you like the peen? The peen? Did you like the penis, mother? The penis? Oh good, I though you would.
--9th & Prospect Park
Overheard by: Other Side of the Fence
Wednesday One-Liners May Not Be Suitable for All Audiences
Ex-girlfriend about ex-boyfriend: I mean, he's not exactly the kind of person to say: "I hear there's a really great documentary about genocide playing at the film forum."
--Café near NYU
Overheard by: robin
Chick with Super-8 to random stranger: Excuse me, would you mind being the pickpocket in our silent film?
--The Montauk Club
Overheard by: torchwood lesbian
Man on phone: I wanna watch it in June so I can watch it stoned... Watching Harold and Kumar not stoned is like eating bread without butter!
--Train to Grand Central
Girl: Indiana Jones is what type of movie? Is it a life movie?
--43rd Street and 8th Ave
Overheard by: Ferris
Girl to friend: Did you get it? There were like a lot of metaphors in that movie, like label versus no label.
--Chelsea Clearview Cinema, after Midnight Showing of the Sex & The City Movie
Girl to boyfriend: If I don't like movies about belts, am I going to like this movie?
--Smith & Wyckoff, Brooklyn
I'd Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednesday One-Liner
Young society reject to same: You're the psycho-freak out! You touch people's ears at random!
--AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center
Overheard by: G-Lime
A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.
--Forham University
Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn't attached to my neck!
--A Train
Overheard by: Don
Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.
--Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem
Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.
--1250 Broadway
Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!
--44th & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners Totally Moved There Before It Was Cool
Bearded guy to female friend: I went to Williamsburg and was like: "Who *are* all these people that look just like me?
--Café Pick Me Up, 9th & Ave A
Overheard by: Doibles
Young hipster: I only date girls from the Lower East Side or Williamsburg.
--9th St & Ave A
Overheard by: bildita
NYU girl to friend: Berlin is like, the new, like... Williamsburg.
--4th Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: john.ainley
Young girl: I'm Middle Eastern, and I swear to god if I see another honky wearing a keffiyeh I'm going to commit fucking Jihad on Williamsburg.
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Visitor, looking around in bewilderment: Why is everyone trying to look like they're poor?
--Bagel Shop, Williamsburg
Overheard by: NCT
Wednesday One-Winers
Amazed thugette: You know you ain't in the hood, 'cause it says "Wine & Spirits!"
--12th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Toto
Box office employee: I bought this really awesome bottle of wine and I was like: "Oh, I'm going to make really amazing pasta with vegetables and bullets in it and glass and blood and it'll be fantastic." But then I didn't.
--Pearl Theatre
Overheard by: Mariah
Middle aged white guy: Yeah, you can get cheap wine in Harlem, but who wants to get a massage there?
--Thai Restaurant
Belligerent toddler to mom making purchase: That's not enough wine, mom! That's not enough wiiiine!
--International Wine & Spirits, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF
Hipster to his date: It's like in the old DC Comics. Superman, you know, his weakness was Kryptonite, but there wasn't just green Kryptonite. In the old DC Comics there was green, red, blue Kryptonite, all colors of the rainbow. Green Kryptonite killed him, but with the others, like, blue Kryptonite transferred his powers to someone else or something like that. Red turned him evil. All these different colors of Kryptonite had different properties. And that's how wine is with me. Every glass of wine, I don't know what I'm going to get... That analogy was not so great.
--Hope & Anchor Diner, Red Hook
Overheard by: AeC
Hey, Wednesday One-Liners Can Dream, Can't They?
Old man: Hah! I fell asleep at her funeral!
--3rd Ave, b/w 10th & 11th
Overheard by: j
Man to woman: Hey you! You were in my dream last night. You, myself and a bunch of people in the office were having an orgy on a mattress right in front of our office. At first it was great, but then it became awkward because people kept walking into the office and we got in their way.
--34th St & 6th Ave
Man with French accent on cell: Do we have room for her, or will she have to sleep in the dungeon?
--32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: LC
(guy is woken up by a friend after falling asleep on the train)
Guy: You dude, why you wake me up! I was having the best dream. There was shorties everywhere. There was shorties in trees and shit!
--2 Train
Conductor: For all of you running late, we are being delayed by another train with the emergency break on. Or you could tell 'em you just slept in today.
--D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Wednesday One-Liners--No Apologies Necessary
Suit on cell: I swear, I'm going to make her the sorriest crippled girl in New York.
--Avenue C
Hipster on iPhone: Hello? I'm sorry. I can't hear you--I have an iPhone.
--6th & 27th
Hipster girl to out-of-town friend: Sorry about the smell, this area just recently gentrified.
--Orchard Street b/w Broome & Grand
Loud, drunk, British girl to boyfriend: We don't know each other's minds -we can't read each other's minds! So when you do something I don't like and I tell you and then later you do something I don't like and I tell you again... Well that's two sorries in one day