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September 2008 Archives
I Told Him to Use the Ladies'
Barnes & Noble employee #1: Some bum is washing his ass in the men's restroom.
Barnes & Noble employee #2 (in horror): Oh god.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Yesenia
Men and Women Define "Relationship" Differently
Woman: It's almost impossible to have a relationship in this city. I make more than most of the men I find attractive.
Man: If you weren't my boss...I would hit that.
Woman: Yeah but... What?
Man: I'm just say'n.
--59th St & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: BobbyKane
Which May or May Not Have a Minimum Height Requirement
Old guy: I heard they have a ride for kids over there.
Ghetto guy: Are you kidding me? The only good ride you can get around here is nine chicks and one dude!
--Nostrand Ave & Ave Y, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amber S
"...So I Can Go Into Clown Porn!"
Guy #1: Yeah, I was at the national unicycling convention.
Guy #2: It's sad that you couldn't put your skills to use... You could be a stuntman, or a sex slave. But no! You said, "Daddy, I want a unicycle!"
--F Train
We Imagine a Young Katherine Hepburn in This Role
Hot chick: You are never gonna get a job talking like that.
Thug: Yeah, you know, I can turn dis shit off and talk all professional and shit if I have to. (in professional voice): I can speak in a manner which is becoming to a young professional and present myself as an upstanding member of society (now back to thug speak) nawmsayin'?
Hot chick (sarcastically, enunciating each word): Yes. I know what you are saying.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Joey Cards
There Are Eight Million Stories in the Naked City
Crazy guy: Hello.
Girl: Hi.
Crazy guy: You know, yesterday I had a nervous breakdown. My girlfriend kicked me out of the house forever.
Girl: Oh...
Crazy guy: It was nice talking to you. Bye.
--Union Square
Is It Even Legal to Turn Down Catherine Zeta Jones?
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: (gasp) All I know is (gasp) that I would fuck the shit out of her.
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #2: (silence)
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: Are you honestly saying (gasp) you wouldn't fuck the shit out of her?
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #2: If she was a man...
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: Fuck that shit! (gasp) I'm not hearing that.
--Subway Stop, 168th & Broadway
Overheard by: I Would 2
Does She Still Live in a Van Down by the East River?
Blonde girl: I mean this in the nicest way possible, but she looks exactly like Chris Farley.
Brunette girl: Oh my gosh, you're so right! I can't believe I never noticed before!
Blonde girl: I know! But I totally mean it as a compliment.
--Nobu Restaurant, W 57th
Overheard by: sromeo
Every Brilliant Idea Has a Catch
Waitress #1: Do you have any tampons?
Waitress #2: Yeah, I have regular and super.
Waitress #1: Are they the plastic kind? The cardboard snags my vagina.
--Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Unappetized
Poor Guy's More of a Houndstooth Czech
Gay guy #1, checking out another guy: That's a cute outfit.
Gay guy #2: Not with that face.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Oobs
I Might Not Stop Drinking
Girl #1: I mean you're 15 years old, you've just been raped, and then you realize you're about to have a baby.
Girl #2: Well, in that case...
--The Met
Well I Am Begging with a Starbucks Cup
Hobo: Can you spare some change? Or food?
Black lady: Nigga, get a job. This neighborhood's gone too bourgeois for your ass to be begging.
--West 4th
Overheard by: bella
Tonight's Movie: Crouching Cousins, Hidden Mommy
Girl #1: He used to travel all the way from Minnesota to see my mom.
Girl #2: Wasn't he married?
Girl #1: Yeah, and it turned into real big mess. Eventually, my mom got into a fight with all his cousins, and then stabbed his mom.
--Q46 Bus
Am I the Only One Who Has Trouble Getting Off?
Conductor (after doors close at Rector St): If you are in the last five cars you will not be getting off at South Ferry. (train starts to move) Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Shoulda listened to directions.
Passenger: Is anyone else hearing this?
--1 Train
Overheard by: ryn
And the Sphinx Was Their Internet Cafe?
Man: ...and then we visited the Sphinx and the Great Pyramid.
Woman: The Great Pyramid is where the people had their apartments, right?
--The Village
Overheard by: Ava
Think We Should Trade Pills?
Dramatic chick: You're crazy!
Calm guy: No. That's the problem. You're not crazy.
--4 Train
When You're Wearing That Corset and Thigh-High Boots
Mom (to young girl banging on subway seat): Stop that, quiet.
Young girl: What'cha gonna do, open up a can of whoop-ass on me?
Mom: Girl, what did you say? Where did you learn that?
Young girl: You always say it to daddy.
--2 Train
Oh, Crap--It's Spurted All Over the Bag
Woman #1, with water bottle in paper bag: I don't understand why they gave me a bag. What's the point of putting just a water bottle in a bag?
Woman #2: You should've just told them you didn't want one.
Woman #1: Yeah, but I didn't notice until he put it in.
(pause, then both women snicker)
--Elevator, 8th Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
Hey, Passive-Aggressive's Working Great for Me
Mom to tween daughter: Are you mad at me?
Tween daughter: No, I'm not mad at you.
Mom: Why aren't you mad at me? You have every right to be.
--NJ Transit
And Just in the Nick of Time
Girl #1: So I'm hooking up with two guys named Nick...bad idea.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Well I gave Nick #2 my number and I got a text from someone who I thought was Nick #2. Turns out it was Nick #1 all along.
Girl #2: What happened?
Girl #1: So I went to Nick #2's house, assuming it was him from the text. I got there, and it's two girls sitting in the bed, Nick's friend and Nick, all in pajamas. Nick #2 pulls me aside, asks what I'm doing there, and I showed him the texts. It wasn't him, it was Nick #1, from his friends phone.
Girl #2: Looks like you're back to just one Nick now!
--Metro North, Stanford Line
Overheard by: Girl 3
Not the Worst Place to End Up, Actually
Daughter: Dad, where are we getting off?
Father: Um...42nd Street...Times Square...Grand Central Parkway...something like that.
Daughter: 142nd street?
Father: Yeah, something like that.
(doors open for Penn Station)
Mother: I think we should get off here.
Father and daughter: Yeah.
--Uptown 2 Train
"Bitch, You Awake?" Being the Second.
Boyfriend: Love you.
Girlfriend: Love you too.
Boyfriend: Love your rack too.
Girlfriend: That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
--82nd & 1st
Overheard by: Cocomo
Headline by: Ross
Runners-Up:
· "How the Hat-Check Girl Was Won Over..." - Earthborn
· "Low Expectations Can Be Surprisingly Rewarding..." - Sphaeron
· "Pipe Down, I Didn't Say I Loved Your Mouth" - Daniel Patterson
· "That's the Same Thing Your Sister Said!" - cafn8ed
· "The Deepest Conversation Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Have Ever Had" - rudegrl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Gag Every Time I Look at 1970's Beaver Shots
Nine-year-old girl: Are you a Republican or a Democrat?
14-year-old girl: Well, I'm a Democrat.
Nine-year-old girl: Why?
14-year-old girl: Well, in my opinion, being a Democrat means you don't like Bush.
Nine-year-old girl: Oh. I'm a Democrat, too.
--Brooklyn Public Library, Greenpoint Branch
Overheard by: Jack Jackl
Maybe Those Guys in Ski Masks Took Them? Let's Go Smoke a Bowl
Employee #1: What happened to all those CD players in the corner?
Employee #2: Man, who the fuck cares?
--Union Square Circuit City
Overheard by: Wasn't Me
The Dog Should've Tipped Me Off
Old lady walking with tiny dog, arm extended: Taxi! Taxi! Goddamn it! Taxi! We have to get out of here now! Taxi!
Nearby doorman: I'll hail you a cab, ma'am.
Old lady: You shut your dirty mouth!
--64th & York
Overheard by: Nora
My Mom Says Hunger Makes You Pretty
Man collecting money: One penny, one penny! No one should be hungry!
Little child: You're wrong! Stop saying that!
--Waverly & University Place
Overheard by: Obviously a Republican
And Almost As Stupid As Hot Aaron
Girl #1: I hooked up with Aaron on Friday. It was weird.
Girl #2: Hot Aaron or stupid Aaron?
Girl #1: Stupid Aaron.
Girl #2: Oh, my god, he is so hot.
--MAC Cosmetics, Spring Street
Wait! -- Let Me Put on My L.L. Bean Jacket and Try That Again
Wannabe rap superstar: Yo, wanna buy this CD?
Middle aged white guy: What are the beats like?
Wannabe rap superstar: (silence)
Middle aged white guy: Are they like (starts beat-boxing)?
Wannabe rap superstar: No. (leaves)
--96th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: sure they weren't
Your Relationship with Your Mom Is Way Too Complex
Drunken woman: So why did you decide to marry her?
Drunken man: Because she just moved in!
--Ayza Wine & Chocolate Bar
Overheard by: Colleen
One Fuckaccino, One No-Balls, and a Mysterious East Coming Up
Customer: Hi, can I have one tall mocha frappuccino light, one venti skim decaf latte with an extra shot, and one tall iced chai?
Surly barista (under his breath): Oh, that's just great for me.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Lexcar
Where They Let the Sunshine in
(after a performance of Hair)
Woman: What was your favorite part?
Four-year-old girl: I liked all the parts.
Six-year-old girl: I liked the naked part.
--Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Might We Recommend I Am Curious (Bonobo)?
Tween boy #1: Did you see her monkey?
Tween boy #2: She has a monkey?
Tween boy #1: The monkey in her pants, tard.
Tween boy #2: She has a monkey in her pants?
Tween boy #1: You need to watch more porn.
Tween boy #2: Porn with monkeys? My brother is right, I'm not ready for any of this.
--D Train
Overheard by: BobK
You Can Always Tell the Conductors Who Used to Teach Public School
Train conductor on "drunk train" from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!
--LIRR, Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Sarah
...on Easter Morning
Guy (smelling weed, to male friend): Hey man, you smell that?
Girl: Yeah, it smells like my dad.
--Terminal 5
Overheard by: Adam
Gummi Bolts
Guy, sniffing at a box of bolts: Wow, these smell like Twizzlers!
Box owner: Well, they are from Germany.
--Metric Building, Hawthorne
Overheard by: not surprised at all
The Real World: Junior High Turned Out to Be a Legal Powderkeg
20-something male #1: Dude, all she did all week was stay out late, get drunk, and hook up with random guys.
20-something male #2: Yeah, but that's what vacation is for.
20-something male #1: Not when it's your 13-year-old sister!
--Gramercy
Overheard by: She said she was 19
Dude, Fist Bump!
College guy to eight-year-old boy: Is that your girlfriend? (points to eight-year-old girl playing in sprinklers)
Eight-year-old boy: No, I just like to get her wet.
--Central Park Playground
But Did You Know I Love Opera and Abstract Expressionist Paintings?
Hobo #1: Man, I love being drunk.
Hobo #2: I know. You say that every day.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Frenchie
For Preppy Girls, Appearance Is the Only Reality
Preppy girl #1: I don't get it. She looks human.
Preppy girl #2: But she's not.
Preppy girl #1: But she looks human!
Preppy girl #2: But she's not!
Preppy girl #3: I get into your head and make you think I look human, but I'm not, really.
Preppy girl #1: Oh. So what do you guys want for lunch?
--Penn Station
Get Beat Up a Lot, Pencil Neck?
Tourist: Hi, what do we need to do to join the tour?
Tour guide: Well, there's an entrance exam.
Tourist: Really?
Tour guide: No. But based on this conversation, you would've failed.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles
And Help Me Apply This Cream
Girl, screaming: I'm STD free!
Hipster girl: Oh, stop bragging.
--Happy Ending Lounge
Overheard by:
Plain Living, High Thinking and Pilfered Cupcakes
(girl #1 is at the snack table, carefully wrapping cupcakes in napkins and putting them into her purse)
Girl #2 (looking at her): Graduate student?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Been there.
--House Party, Washington Heights
Overheard by: McFreaky
...I'll Invent My Own Science Fiction Religion
Christian pamphlet-wielder: Excuse me, would you like to learn about the rapture?
Exasperated 20-something: I swear, if I see one more of you beam-me-up ladies...
--Penn Station
To Be Fair, Skinny Jeans Are Much More Constrictive
Conductor #1: He's like "it doesn't bite!" I'm like "I know it doesn't bike...it constricts! The last thing I need is that thing getting loose and finding some four-year-old kid wrapped in a snake. You can get on, but Daisy stays on the platform.
Conductor #2: Who brings a snake out in public anyway?
--LIRR, Woodside station
Overheard by: I'm with the conductor on this one...
The Hokey Pokey Is Very Popular in New York
Boy in hat: You gotta remember, you have to squeeze the left nipple.
Girl: Ohhhhh. Of course.
--Bedford & 3rd
Overheard by: Ashley
At Least I Don't Have Pepperoni Stuck in My Beard
Girlfriend: Imagine the whole world was covered in pizza boxes. (pauses in deep though) That would be a lot of pizza boxes!
Boyfriend: You dumb.
--Colombia University Campus
And We Get to Be the Chosen People--Totally Worth It
20-something guy to date: Yeah, I had mine done by a real mohel.
20-something girl, awkwardly: Oh, really?
20-something guy: Yep, the guy's whole job is to go around chopping off babies' dicks.
--American Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: dream profession?
...Before He Spoils?
Middle-aged woman (excitedly): So I met a great 75-year old man!
Middle-aged man (also excitedly): Are you going to marry him?
--W 13th St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYU girl
I'm Sure It's a Fucking Triumph Of the Human Spirit
Bearish guy: Did I tell you I got a lead in a film?
Friend: No. Congratulations!
Bearish guy: Yeah, it's a bear film--but it's not a porn!
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Daniel
You're Thirty-Five, Sweetheart
Mom: You could have held the door for me, Tommy, that's what a man does.
Tommy: I'm a boy.
--Hallway, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center
I'll Take "Lesbians Who Don't Love Their Girlfriends" for $200, Alex
Girl #1: Do you think I'm a loser?
Girl #2: What? No. Why?
Girl #1: I haven't gotten laid in like five months.
Girl #2: There's a guy traveling cross country to fuck you! I don't have that.
Girl #1: You got fucked by a porn star! More than once! And she wants to do it again!
Girl #2: We'll it's not like she's flying cross country just for that.
Girl #1: Have you asked her? She might.
Girl #2: Yeah right, I can't even get my girlfriend to come in from Jersey.
Girl #1: (pause) Ewww. Who wants to be in Jersey.
--Elephant & Castle, West Village
...Throw in Anal and We Could Probably Fingerpaint.
Guy (kissing his girl's neck, begging): C'mon baby, please?
Girl: I said "No."
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Because it gets too messy. I mean, I already have to keep washing all the pillows you cum on. Imagine the mess if I'm on the rag.
--R Train
Overheard by: Kim
Everything She Knows About Europe She Learned from Greek Tragedies
Male third grader: It's illegal to marry your sibling.
Female third grader: Yeah, unless you're from Europe.
--Bus
Overheard by: wishing i was still 8
What About a Cucumber in a Baggie?
Guy #1: You're getting a cape?
Guy #2: Yeah, I figure we can prop the hood up and make it like the reservoir.
Guy #1: You're either going to look like a giant penis in a condom or a Ku Klux Klan member in saran wrap.
--Costume Store, 11th & Broadway
Overheard by: brian
...Numbass
Woman #1 (searching for seat in crowded theater): Is this seat taken?
Woman #2: Oh, no sweetie, this one will make your butt cramp up. I keep tryin to sit in it but my leg keeps goin numb! It's such a bad butt cramp seat.
Woman #1: I'll take your word for it.
--Lowes Cinema, 3rd & 11th
French Fry Addictions Destroy Lives!
Girl to homeless man #1: Here is my leftover food, if you want it.
Homeless man #1: Thanks.
Homeless man #2: You stupid bitch, why don't you just give him crack?
--Waverly Place & Broadway
Overheard by: SJP
Well, You Once Told Me I Was the Best Part of Waking Up
Guy: I told my sister when I die, I want her to cremate me and put the ashes in coffee cans, so people will think they're coffee grounds and I'll be in their coffee.
Girl: You are so stupid.
--4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Better than <a href=
When She Misbehaves, She Has to Tell the Maid to Clean Her Room
Mother: You sent 340 text messages and went over the plan. You owe me $10.
Daughter: Can I have $10?
Mother: Sure. (hands daughter $10)
Daughter: Here! (hands mother $10)
--Outside St. James Theatre
When "How Many Candy Corns Are in the Jar?" Stops Being a Fun Party Game
Guy: How many dicks can you fit in your vagina?
Girl: Umm, I'd say five.
--Fire Island
Overheard by: Pranav
That's Why You're in the Bathroom Line?
British girl: So, why are you here?
White British guy with headband, wearing an afghan: To spread joy throughout the world.
British girl: ...ah.
--E 15th St
Overheard by: Someone who certainly felt joy after overhearing this
It Seems Such a Small Thing to Ask
Wannabe goth guy: If you're gonna kill me, please don't cut off my dick. Just kill me.
Wannabe goth girl: I'm kinda psycho. I'm kinda psycho.
Wannabe goth guy: Just don't cut off my dick.
--A Train
Overheard by: Whubagong
Armani's New Overall Line Has Left Everyone Confused
Queer: I need to cut my fingernails. I keep meaning to get clippers, but then I forget.
Girl assistant: Why don't you just bite them?
Queer (offended): I am not a farmer!
--Queens
Overheard by: Jodi
This Leopard-Print Fannypack Is Just Style
Flyer guy: Want to see a comedy show? It's hilarious!
(passers-by ignore him)
Flyer guy: Okay, good talk.
Hipster girl: (giggles)
Flyer guy: Oh! You like laughing, want to see a comedy show?
Hipster girl: No. I'm not a fucking tourist, leave me alone.
--Times Square
Overheard by: not a tourist
I Thought We Agreed Never to Speak of That Again?
Boyfriend: Hey, you can't use my umbrella anymore!
Girlfriend: Fine, then you can't use my face cream.
--Food Emporium, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Drew Gutstein
Too Bad, Really--Chicks Dig the Feeding Tube
Guy #1, getting out of shower: Oh! Great news. I learned how to swallow!
Guy #2: That's fantastic!
--Locker Room, David Barton Gym
Overheard by: Baby steps
Think I Know How This One Ends...
50-something woman: Do you have baked goods?
Girl with empty wicker basket: Excuse me?
50-something woman: Baked goods. Where are you going with them?
Girl with empty wicker basket (slowly looking into basket and then back at woman): To grandmother's house.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Little Red Riding Ho
A Boy Can Dream
Gay guy: Do I have a dick on my face?
Fag hag: I don't think so.
--50th & 11th
Overheard by: Memory
We So Had That Idea First
Girl on computer #10: Damn, this dumb bitch wants to start her own prostituting company.
Girl on computer #9: What a dumb bitch.
--Library, Baruch College
Overheard by: jackieisawuesome
She's the Perfect Aperitif
Thug #1: So you know her, then.
Thug #2: No.
Thug #1: But you just said "that hot spic chick."
Thug #2: No, I didn't.
Thug #1: You did! You just called her "that hot spic chick!"
Thug #2: No, I said "that hot delicious chick." Because everyone's been talking about her.
--7th & Berry, Brooklyn
Overheard by: EthanK
Fine--Then Define "Ecological Fallacy," Brainiac
Professor: Stereotypes are generalizations about groups and individual members based primarily on membership in that group.
Black girl: We already know that!
--Baruch College
That Explains All Those Cuts on My Penis!
Dude #1: Oh, The Spiderwick Chronicles is out!
Dude #2 (in awe): Dude, did you see that?
Dude #1: Yeah, it was amazing!
Dude #2: Yeah? How were the graphics?
Dude #1: Dude--amazing!
Dude #2: Dude--you have braces!
Dude #1: Yeah, dude, I told you. God!
--Blockbuster
Overheard by: brianfair
Headline by: mike
Runners-Up:
· "And the Winner for Youngest Bro Of the Week Goes To...." - jumpstop
· "Ashton Kutcher Needs to Stop Producing Reality TV" - D. Emmy
· "Even Siskel & Ebert Had to Start Somewhere." - space coyote
· "Life Imitates Ashton Kutcher Films..." - Duuude
· "Someone's Getting Laid Tonight!" - lisa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Right Before the Cautionary Chapter About Frosted Tips
Guy: I love porn. I've got XTube bookmarked.
Slightly older guy: You're a gay man in New York: of course you love porn. It's in the rulebook.
--42nd St, near Broadway
Brilliant!
Woman #1: I am coming perilously close to dehydration.
Woman #2: Okay. Let's go to Duane Reade.
Woman #1: Okay, but can you buy me a bottle of water? I have no money.
Woman #2: You're walking around with no money? What are going to do if you get robbed?
Woman #1: Give them my credit cards--everyone takes credit.
--Union Square Park
If Ann Coulter Can Do It So Many Times, Why Not?
Guy #1:So what did he die of?
Guy #2: HIV--and complications to rattlesnake venom. I gotta write a book, right?
--Chelsea Cinemas, 23rd St
Overheard by: Doug Bost
An Infestation of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on phone: I am being nice, but I'm not going to describe to you in great detail what a bug looks like!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: R&L
Man in zoot suit: When I talk, I don't want you bitches saying nothing! I only wanna hear the cockroaches fornicating on the walls!
--F Train
Overheard by: Reagan
Hipster: It was like watching a praying mantis have a seizure.
--16th & 8th
Wasted girl on sidewalk: No, I am so upset, I am so upset, I lost the back of my phone and there is a bug, a bug!
--11th & Broadway
Old lady: She looks pretty much like a roach.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like to Thank the Academy
Sassy eight-year-old to mother: You don't know Spanish except what you learned from Selena.
--2 Train
Chick on cell: Watching 27 Dresses in a cheetah robe...
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Virginia
Little boy, as his mother asks for directions: Great, we're lost in New York City. It's like Home Alone!
--Across from Spamalot Theatre
Fag to hag: Don't you remember that time on Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your moment. Spit, woman, spit!
--Natural History Museum
(at a screening of The Shining)
Woman: Haha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!
--Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park
Thug to another: And she said she wanna go to the movies. And I said I don't wanna go to the movies, I want some pussy!
--57th & 9th
Overheard by: JPM
Panhandler on train: Please, I can't afford the rent at the YMCA because they just raised it. So if anyone has some money or some food or something to drink, it would really help me out. Jesus loves people who help poor people. Also, don't forget to see the new summer blockbuster Hellboy II. It's really great.
--F Train
Overheard by: JB
Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother-- Shut Yo' Mouth!
Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.
--Rare View Bar
Overheard by: white guy
Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.
--R Train
Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!
--Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.
--Midtown
Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!
--Union Square
Overheard by: CJ
Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.
--37th & 7th
Where in the World Are Wednesday One-Liners?
College girl: So, I'm thinking of going to France and/or, like, Europe.
--Penn Station
Confused tourist with map: Where's Chicago? Oh, right...that's here in New York City, right?
--Times Square
Guy with map in Tribeca (pointing ahead to the south): Okay, so Central Park should be this way...
--Tribeca
Wide-eyed tourist: Oh my god, we're in Central Park! Can you believe it?
--Riverside Park
30-something zoo patron to zoo employee: I thought Madagascar was just the name of a character in that movie.
--Madagascar Exhibit, Bronx Zoo
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Mangina Attack
Man in elevator on cell: Yeah. That's what I'm paying for, right? Next time just make sure it's a male to female.
--Elevator, Chelsea
Staten Island man to son: Okay, you have to be careful here. And don't touch any of the pretty ladies: the prettier they are, the more likely it's a man.
--1st & Houston
Middle aged woman to friend: Every morning I wake up and think I look more and more like Mrs Doubtfire.
--Union Square
Overheard by: mk
Guy in pink spandex to Victorian Gardens employee: Excuse me, where do the trannies hang out?
--Central Park
Preppy chick to friends: Did I ever tell you guys about the tranny I slept with?
--19th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Well-Dressed Indian Boy
Mom, in motherly voice, to crying four-year-old: Aww, what's the matter, did the little transvestite scare you?
--2nd & 72nd
Overheard by: Nancy
Pour Some Wednesday One-Liners on Me
Fireman on loudspeaker, as he drives by Magnolia Bakery in fire truck: It's just a cupcake!
--11th & Bleecker
Overheard by: Chris
Disappointed 20-something girl to girlfriends: Yeah, but they don't have chocolate covered penises there.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Brookelyn
Large Italian guy: What happened to my tiramisu? That's what I want to know!
--LIRR to Penn Station
Girl covered in pink frosting on cell: There's frosting all over me!
--170th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Hipster guy on cell: Yeah, so the food was like chocolate and chorizo...mother fucking chocolate and chorizo... No, it was good... You should try it... Why not? Fuck veganism! Some website... Myjambi. M-y-j-a-m-b-i. Why chocolate? How should I know? It's for the website. Yes, the website! I don't know why the dog was there.
--28th & Park
Old woman to overweight woman: You look like you would know the answer to this... Where is a cupcake bakery around here?
--53rd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are Bursting with Fruit Flavor
Punk rocker to ghetto chick: Say...you ever been fucked by a smelly guy in a banana suit?
--J Train
Overheard by: Markthrone
Loud, laughing redhead on cell: Ha ha! I'll plant another pear tree, and that will be Tricia!
--W 57th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Brosef to girls (oddly aggressively): Which do you like more, bananas or oranges? Say it!
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Rooting for bananas
Guy on cell: Did you order the poster of the banana?
--Central Park
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Overachiever mom to 5-year-old girl: No, I'm not saying that you have to have a piece of fruit. I'm saying that when we get there, you'll get to choose. It'll be your choice. You can choose fruit or you can choose a granola bar. (pause) Of course, fruit is the healthier choice.
--7th Ave & 26th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Heavily tattooed man: So we started playing this game. We shoved grapes up her ass, and she had to drop them in a martini glass.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Housey
My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent
Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.
--41st & Lexington
40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)
--53rd & 7th
Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.
--67th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Q
Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street... (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!
--Astoria Boulevard, Queens
Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels...and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.
--33rd & Broadway
Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!
--69th & Columbus
Little boy to mother: Oooh...I thought Malcolm X was a singer.
--Flatbush & Beekman
Overheard by: Chelsea
Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy a Stay in the Graybar Hilton
Conductor on train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the person who is annoyingly pressing the buzzer please direct him to a conductor so they can be arrested and we can all go home.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Allison
Hobo: Now you're going to give me a quarter sir, and then I'm going to arrest you.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Eric
Guy on cell: Mike is getting his crazy ass released? For real? (pause) He's paying taxes?! Thug!
--M Train
Teenybopper: I'm going to jail tonight, I don't care. I'm gonna fuckin' kill that bitch!
--30th b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: eavesdropper
Prospective employee to another: I can't believe she tells me how to fill out the fingerprint card! I've been done hauled to the precinct so many times...
--Elevator, Midtown Building
Ghetto mama: Why somebody call me from prison gotta be my husband? Hell no, that nigga is past tense!
--54 Bus
What What (In the Wednesday One-Liners)?
Russian woman to fat guy (after he yelled at her): Escooz me, cood you please poot your ass out of ze vindow so I can seet? (fat guy remains seated)
--B1 Bus
Overheard by: Robert
Gay: Your ass looks great! Have you started bottoming?
--Christopher St Pier
Young kid: 14th Street, like her ass on my face.
--Union Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Pza
20-something gay suit: My butt always causes friction.
--Elevator, Midtown Building
Sorority hungover girl talking about birth: I came out ass first, isn't that typical?
--Denny's
Guy to chick: We will use your ass as a presentational ass.
--Weight Room, Coles Gym
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen girl to friend: I feel like my butt just came off. You ever feel like that?
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: Alison
Wednesday One-Liners Heart Meerkats
Pretty 20-something girl: I might reconsider if there is a horse involved.
--Manhattan Beach
Overheard by: The Tutors
Girl to friend: Look at sociology. Look at the animals. That totally explains it. It is just like the animals, sociology explains everything.
--West 4th & Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Darci
Woman to man: Because I'd really like to understand what makes a good toreador and what makes a bad toreador.
--70th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lisa B.
Girl who was just handed an anti-bird-porn flyer: I have never even seen birds mating. Now I am intrigued.
--Hair Rush Line Central Park
Overheard by: Krysta
Pet store clerk to customer: I don't know what flavor it is. It's turtle food. It's what they eat.
--Flushing Petland Discount
Park janitor to pigeons: I need all's you guys to be flappin' yo' wings and help me be cleanin' up these leaves. (pigeons coo, janitor starts cooing with them)
--Clinton & Congress, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Was a good impression
Wednesday One-Liners, the People's Chariot
Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.
--BoltBus
Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob
Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.
--Crosstown Bus
Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.
--Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park
Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.
--NJ Transit Bus
Overheard by: Jerzey...CloseEnough
Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.
--B61 Bus
Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast
He'd Stuff Your Pockets With Third World Babies
Dork #1: Dude, I think I just saw Brad Pitt!
Dork #2: What? Where?
Dork #1: Over there on the bench! It's him!
Dork #2: No way!
Dork #1: Yes it is! It's Brad Pitt!
Dork #2: I don't believe you! Why don't you go ask him?
Dork #1: Dude, you just don't go up to someone and ask if they're Brad Pitt.
--Columbia University
...and Offered the Same Job at Minimum Wage
Black chick #1: How mad was she?
Black chick #2: She's as mad as if she was just let out of slavery yesterday.
--Aveda Salon, Upper West Side
Pop Quiz: Which One's Using "Sandwich" As a Euphemism?
Hipster #1: Every time I sleep with your mom she makes me half a sandwich.
Hipster #2: She makes me a low-fat sandwich.
Hipster #1: A half a sandwich is a low-fat sandwich.
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Quarter Sandwhich
Makes Me Feel As Warm and Tingly As a Yeast Infection
Post grad #1: Can't you just come work at planned parenthood with me?
Post grad #2: No, I just need to become a prostitute to make ends meet. Oh my god! Then I could come to planned parenthood to have all my STDs treated!
--105st & Amsterdam
This Can Only End in a Duel
Train conductor: Mr Raymond Johnson, if you're looking for your wife, she's in car #6604.
Random guy: With me!
--2 Train
A Pork Chop? A Mercedes?
Bum, to smoking cater waiter: Can I get a smoke?
Cater waiter: (nods saying "no")
Bum, pulling a cigarette out of his ear: Then, can I get light?
Cater waiter: (lights it)
Bum: Can I get five bucks?
--14th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Where's your sense of rhythm?
Such a Great Country in Which to Be Homeless
Blonde chick: Where do you want to get brunch?
British boyfriend: I don't care, anywhere really...
Hobo in Saudi head wrap: Ahh, the youth of America, just shopping and fucking!
--Carmine & Bedford
Overheard by: Maggie
Consumers of Popular Culture Are Also Its Victims
Hispanic guy: Oh, it's just a fag.
Hispanic chick: What?
Hispanic guy: I thought it was Jason Bourne.
Hispanic chick: You thought Jason Bourne was gonna come after us?
Hispanic guy: Yeah... Hey, look--it's another tattoo place! Tonight's the night!
Both together (singing): Tonight's the night!
--Stanton & Norfolk
I Don't Really Think You Have the IQ of a Semi-Retarded Iguana
Girl, as train stops: What did you just say?
Guy : ...oh. Did I say that out loud?
--B Train
Overheard by: mayafied
And You Already Get Mocked by Saleswomen When You Try to Shop
Girl: So I decided that from now on, I'm not kissing anyone on one night stands.
Queer (gasping): That's so Pretty Woman!
--A Train
Laugh While You Can, Stupid Americans! Oh, Sorry...
Arabic professor: "Qadam" means foot. How do you say more than one foot?
Male student: Feet.
(class laughs)
Arabic professor: In Arabic.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Krisztina
Should We Stop Moonwalking?
Ditz #1: Ugh, Union Square could not be further away right now.
Ditz #2: I know.
--12th St & University
Overheard by: Jesse D
But Noooo, the City's All, "Boo Hoo, We're Secular Humanists!"
Pissed dude on train: You know, it'd be a lot harder for people to hold the doors if they were razor sharp.
Friend: That's not funny.
Pissed dude: I'm just saying people might hold the doors less if were going to lose a limb every time.
--F Train
Doesn't Explain the Colonel Sanders Suit, Though
British chick: Do you think that you have an accent?
American guy: I've moved around a lot, so I've got a pretty basic American dialect. I've got a bit of a southern drawl, but that's more because I'm lazy.
--R Train
She Says I Have to Stop Doing That at Parties
Girl #1: Cause our school gets to have three day field trips, but my mom never lets me go cause she's afraid I'll get raped, robbed, killed, or something like that. It's so unfair!
Girl #2: You tell her, "mom! I'm grown up! Look at my breasts!"
--49th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Potato
We're on the Verge of a Liberal Education Here
Student #1: What does "NB" stand for, at the end?
Student #2: Tuberculosis.
Student #1: That's "TB", idiot.
--Newman Vertical Campus, Baruch College
Overheard by: I thought that stood for TELLYtuBBies!
I May Have Overlooked the Free Beating I'm About to Administer
7-year old looking at toy ad: I want this and this...
Dad: Do you have money to buy them? Because I am not going to, and nothing in life is free.
7-year old: What about those papers you take every morning from that man? You don't pay him.
(dad goes quiet)
--5 Train
Overheard by: Guy
Boy Parts and Girl Names: Hot, Hot, Hot!
Girl #1: So, seriously, his name is Meredith? Like "A Boy Named Sue?" Seriously?
Girl #2: Yeah, seriously, it's like that show... The one with, you know, the guy, and that's his name... You know, that show we watched last night.
Girl #1: Yeah, that show, with the hot guys?
Girl #2: Yeah, seriously hot.
Girl #1: Seriously.
--6 Train
Overheard by: I don't think they were serious
Really the Best Way to Put Conflict in Perspective
Hobo #1: Stop playing your fucking drum, I hear it all the way over here.
Hobo #2: I was here first, motherfucker!
Hobo #3: You guys, why can't you just play together?
Hobo #2: Nah, fuck you man! Stay out of it!
Hobo #3: You should die. You gonna die. Tonight!
Hobo #2: Are you threatening me, man?
Hobo #3 (laughing): Nah, man, I'm just a shoe shiner, but you're seriously gonna die.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Highstein
You'd Get Tired Of Them in a Week, Same As the Rest of Us
Little girl, happily: And that's why I want to die.
Father, laughing: Why's that?
Little girl: So I can join the Grateful Dead!
--City Hall
Like Michael Jackson.
Asian to another: And it's like, how many ABCs are there at NYU these day?
Girl to friend, once off train: What's an ABC?
Friend: Asian by Choice?
--F Train
It's Like Riding a Moped... Fun Till Your Friends See You
Overweight effeminate guy: Listen, if I'm gonna have sex with a fat chick, no one is gonna know about it.
Fag hag: Well, what's the point if no one will ever know?
--W Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Dopeman
Headline by: winona
Runners-Up:
· "For the Tax Deduction." - KJM
· "I Prefer My Charitable Donations to Be Anonymous" - Give'til it hurts
· "It Builds Character?" - Underweight effeminate guy
· "See If the Judge Will Take It As Your Community Service" - Kenneth
· "Shake Your Harpoon and Say, "Thar, She Blew Me"" - Professor Coldheart
· "Why Billy Wasn't Able To Stay in the Closet for Very Long" - J
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Chris Throws a Wrench Into Mommy's Plans for His Future
Kid, in stroller: What's that?
Mom: A plumber truck.
Kid: A plumber truck?
Mom: Uh-huh.
Kid: I wanna be a plumber truck!
--7th & Atlantic, Brooklyn
Overheard by: concerned for the future
Tonight's Lesson: Making Long Island Iced Teas
Aunt: Do you know what you are being?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Does it start with a b?
Child: Maybe.
Aunt: Your father calls me that all the time, you can say it...I give you permission.
Child: No.
Aunt: Is it a female dog?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Come, tell me...is it "bitch?"
Child: Yeah, I'm a being a bitch.
--Isabella's, 81st St
Overheard by: Gerald T Reiner Jr.
Kiefer Sutherland Had Us All Fooled
Loud Latina #1: He was just, like, just so gross. He was all like, "Nobody loves me and my life is so lame."
Loud Latina #2: Really? I didn't get that from him. I got, you know, "Hey, I'm a typical white guy."
--Columbia University
Overheard by: anna
There's a Ribbon Tied Around My Penis to Help Me Remember
Guy #1, reading Post: This is why I drink! I drink to forget this shit!
Guy #2: I used to drink to forget. Now I just pee to remember.
--Sin Sin Bar, East Village
Overheard by: Alan Roberts
I Think You Just While-You-Were-Outed Yourself
Hipster #1 (after five minutes of riding in silence): I so wanna fuck Chayse Dacoda.
Hipster #2: You've just gotten so weird since you got cable.
--F Train
And All That Blue
WASP to stodgy husband, after Blue Man Group performance: So how'd you like it?
Stodgy husband (grunting): Fine, except for the excessive noise.
--Astor Theatre, SoHo
Overheard by: ysabet
He's More Liver-Spotted Than Truly Brown
Old woman #1: Oh, the Brown lady...
(old woman #2 stares, horrified)
Old woman #1: Her husband is Brown. (long pause) The surname.
Old woman #2: Ohhhh...
--10th & 3rd
Vanessa Had Been Blessed with a Hobo Fairy Godmother
Woman screaming into cell: I hate fucking with you!
Man loitering near by scaffolding: Yo ma! Cut him loose. There's a million men in New York City.
--125th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Tizz
Probably Out Looking for Pussy for Me
Hobo #1: So then she said she just wanted to be friends, and I was like, "What do you mean by "friends?" Like shake-hands friends? Cause I don't need friends to shake hands with. I'm looking for pussy."
Hobo #2: Haha, what did she say?
Hobo #1: Well, I dunno, she hasn't called back yet.
--Union Square
I've Become Negligent in My Negligence
Stoner #1: Oh my god!
Stoner #2: What?
Stoner #1: I forgot to quit my job today!
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Rachel
But Only Certain Kinds of Love
Sorority girl #1: Maybe Italy is, like, the city of love...
Sorority girl #2: No. That's Virginia.
--Wagner College
You Also Thought That About Abraham Lincoln
Dumb chick #1: What are those Jewish people with the curls called?
Dumb chick #2: I think they're called "aesthetic Jews." Or "hestetic Jews."
Dumb chick #1: Oh. I though they were Amish.
--Elevator, Midtown Building
Overheard by: I know what they're called
Or the Email I Sent You. Or the Registered Letter
Girl: Dad, I know what we are getting mom for Hanukkah.
Dad: What?
Girl: New mascara, hers is getting lumpy.
Dad: I think she deserves more than that.
Girl: If you want to see what I want, you can look at the folder on my desktop.
--86th & 3rd Ave
That Does Explain Your Consistently Bad Breath
Jersey chick: Is it weird that I want to put it in my mouth?
Guy: Yes.
Jersey chick: I just like want to put it in my mouth to see its consistency.
--NYU
Overheard by: Jesse D
What Men Think Women Talk About All Day
Girl: I really like your Uggs.
Other girl: I like my jugs too.
--Forever 21, Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: i like them too
The Rest Was History for Kim Kardashian and Ray-J
Black guy, yelling out of his car at cute girl crossing the street: Hey! You look like yo' white boyfriend call you fat, but mama, that alllllll good!
Cute girl: I have never felt so offended and so complimented at once. (deadpan) This must be love.
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: aenigma
White Guys Are Held to a Pretty Low Standard
Man holding ankle boot and laughing: This is fashion?
Offended fashionista: How many pairs of Crocs do you own?
--Barneys Co-Op
Suddenly Sober, Alice Put Out the Cigarette
Drunk chick: I don't care if you let me I'm smoking this fucking cigarette. (lights it)
Driver: Brunettes are slutty.
Drunk chick: What?
Driver: It's okay, I like slutty chicks.
--Taxi Cab, Williamsburg
Overheard by: where's waldo?
Kinda Like Birthing a Calf
Bearded guy: So I was looking at porn the other day and saw this chick getting fisted and it reminded me of you.
Blonde girl: Oh yeah. Was it anal?
Bearded guy (fist pumping against other hand): Oh, it was full on.
--LIRR
Overheard by: well...was it?
But That Was the Theme of the Party!
Girl #1: Oh my gosh! I haven't seen you in so long! You didn't come to my party!
Girl #2: I know! I was high!
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: Aearrin
That's What We Should Bring to Show and Tell
Little girl #1: Yeah, cookies and onions.
Little girl #2: Cookies!
Little girl #1: Onions.
Little girl #2: Cookies!
Little girl #1: Onions!
Little girl #2: Cookies!
Little girl #1 (pauses, thinks about it): Beer!
--54th & 7th
Overheard by: Chloefron
But I'm Still Unclear About the Connection to Taco Bell
Bimbette #1: I thought his name was Alexander Gumball! I feel like such an idiot!
Bimbette #2: I know, when I heard his name was Graham Bell I was like oh, Bell...that makes so much sense!
--Prince & Lafayette
Overheard by: jayso
I Totally Saw Her Cut in Line at Starbucks Earlier
Old man walking dog (bumping into ghetto girl #1): Watch where you're going, bitch!
Ghetto girl #1 (turning and running after old man, wielding thick Harry Potter book as a weapon): That man just called me a bitch!
Ghetto girl #2 (running after friend): He was talking to the dog! Put the book down! His dog is a bitch!
--25th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: She-Who-Never-Uses-HP-As-A-Weapon
What Do You Think Food Stamps Are For?
Girl #1: You are so drunk, aren't you? How many beers did you have?
Girl #2: Yeah, I had six beers!
Girl #1: No you didn't! You can't afford six beers!
--Shea Stadium
Plus, We Both Like Ice Cream. And the Beatles!
Bimbo #1: Yeah, I really think I like him. We get along so well. I mean, we have a lot in common.
Bimbo #2: Oh yeah? Like what?
Bimbo #1: Well, we both love pugs.
Bimbo #2: As in the type of dog? Everyone loves pugs. How can you not like pugs? They are so fucking cute.
Bimbo #1 (challengingly): Yeah? Well, how about this one? Both of our dads died in plane crashes.
Bimbo #2: Oh. My. God. You are sooo meant to be together.
--Brooklyn Bound N Train
Overheard by: totes meant to be
Aw Sweetie, Someday You'll Meet a Man Who'll Love You for Your Rib Cage
Chubby 20-something girl in skintight tracksuit: It is so effing cold out here! I'm freezing my tits off!
Rail thin friend: Really? I'm not.
Chubby girl: That's because you don't have any tits, idiot!
Rail thin friend, quietly: Oh...yeah...
--Central Park
Overheard by: I was freezing my tits off too
I'm LMAO at You Pozrs
Teen (speaking excitedly to friends): Supposedly there's a tornado in the city!
Random suit: Like o-m-g!
Teen: Like w-t-f!
--7th Ave
Is the Word "Like" a Free Pass on Bad Math? Discuss
Tourist #1: I've been in about 40 states so far.
Tourist #2: Wow, that's like half of them!
--Central Park
Overheard by: 1f
Thanks, I Guess
Teenage girl #1: Did you know... If I shot you in the head right now, you wouldn't even know you were dead!
Teenage girl #2: Whoa!
--Coney Island, in Line for Wonder Wheel
Wait'll You See My Passenger Pigeon Underpants!
Stupid girl: I really like your scarf.
Other girl: Thanks! It's wool and bunny fur.
Stupid girl: Animal killer!
Other girl: No, I think they shave them.
Stupid girl: Oh.
Other girl: Yeah, and it's houndstooth, so I really like it.
Stupid girl: How many animals do you have in there?
--Elevator, 41st & 3rd
Now Drink Your Wine and Shut Up
Neo yuppie #1: Man, I love me some hot dogs at Shea.
Neo yuppie #2: Hot dogs are for poor people.
--Bin 71
Overheard by: Jeff
Sorry, Pal, Majority Rules. Oh, Wait...
Old suit: Why can't we cross?
Police officer: The President's coming through.
Old suit: He's not my President. Where do you think you are?
--50th & 3rd Ave
Incidentally, Your Palm Has Never Felt Softer
Large man: You fucked him!
Large woman: I didn't fuck no one...I let him cum in my hand.
Large man: Bitch!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: bo jokes
Those Who Don't Remember the Past Are Doomed to Invent It
Girl #1: I got sick today from a eating plum a Hare Krishna gave me. They like...put something on it!
Girl #2: What's a Hare Krishna?
Girl #3: Oh my god, they are like this cult that John Lennon invented.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: Isabel
Does This Mean the Marriage Vows Don't Count?
Daphne: But he called me Bernice!
Friend: Well, that's as unusual as Daphne.
Daphne: I guess.
--54th & 7th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
They Like to Give the Rats Time to Get Off the Tracks
Little girl: Daddy, why aren't we moving?
Father: It's okay. See, we're moving now. Veeeery slowly.
Little girl: Why?
Father: Because you're riding the MTA.
--F Train
Overheard by: Katharine
But I May Need an Emergency Guava Later
Older mother: Do you need a pomegranate, or are you good?
Teen: I'm good.
--Fruit Cart, 18th & 6th
Overheard by: EthanK
Except When the Host Asked You to Pick Between Doors #1 and #2
Guy #1: So, you taking the hot tub or what?
Guy #2: I'd rather have six years of my life than the hot tub.
Guy #1: Well, you don't really have a choice.
--Court St & Congress St
Overheard by: Matthew
Could You Stop Demonstrating on Me?
Nursing student: Can anyone on this bus tell me why my teacher stuck his bare ungloved finger up this guy's rectum?!
(a couple of seconds later)
Nursing student: I saw some lady's uterus fall out of her vagina today, while giving birth.
Nurse also on bus: You are being really inappropriate today.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Audrey
Oh Well, We'll Just Watch Touched By an Angel Later.
Father: We might not make it home in time for church.
Little boy: Hallelujah! We're gonna miss church!
--Bus to Staten Island
Tonight, on Stereotype My Ride...
14-year-old #1: ...a white car with a red stripe. Those are the people that steal shit.
14-year-old #2: They steal shit?
14-year-old #1: Yeah. Or murder. Something.
--Colonial Road & 74th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jon A.
I Knew This Planned Parenthood Internship Would Pay Off
Dude #1: ...so do you think I can have dibs on her, or is that not a good idea?
Dude #2: What do you mean?
Dude #1: Well, she had an abortion six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh dude, what are you doing!?
Dude #1: Yeah, but can't she not get pregnant because she just had an abortion?
Dude #2: Oh, that's a good point. I don't think that works like that...
Dude #1: But it was six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh, I thought you said six months ago! Yeah, man, you got a sweet deal there. I can't believe your luck, where do you keep meeting these women!?
--Bathroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
What You Get for Being Seven Feet Tall
Tourist: Excuse me, but could you please tell me the time?
New Yorker: What do I look like? Big fuckin' Ben or somethin'?
--Broadway
Unless It's a Miniature Camera
Hysterical girl: Ohmigod, look at that cockroach! That's so gross, you can see its shell!
Calm friend: Cockroaches don't have shells.
Hysterical girl: Yes they do, look at it!
Calm friend: That's an exoskeleton, asshole.
--Locker Room, H.S. 625
Overheard by: She's right you know
It's Like Blackboard Jungle Over There!
Elderly math teacher: By god, you can't just hand me any mangled piece of paper you want! What do you think this is, the Bronx High School of Science?
Geeky kid #1: Oooh, that's mean.
Geeky kid #2: Well, at least he didn't say Brooklyn Tech. They have cameras everywhere, and if you dis them, they'll take out their gun and be all, "What did you say about my school?"
Geeky kid #1: You just made that up.
Geeky kid #2: I wish.
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by:
Frankly, That Could Have Been What He Said
Train conductor: (mumbling)
British suit: So you understood what he just said?
New Yorker: Of course.
British suit: Well, what did he say?
New Yorker: He said, "Shut the fuck up, you fucking foreigner, you're on a train and you'll be home soon."
--1 Train
Overheard by: KeivonK
NewsFlash: Post/Law Enforcement Conspiracy Uncovered
Post street vendor: Paris Hilton out of jail! New York Post!
Passerby: If he said that slag was back in jail, I'd even stoop to buying a Post.
--43rd & Lex
Almost Nobody Ever Understands English
Conductor: Please do not hold the doors. (pause) Get out of the door, please. (long pause) Get out of the fucking doors, please. (pause) Jesus, don't you people understand English here?
Blonde: Somebody needs to get laid, bad.
--1 Train
Overheard by: pierre
Adam Smith's "Invisible Hand" at Work
Old grimy man to cute young bartender: Will you marry me?
Bartender: No!
Old man: I'll pay you.
Bartender: How much?
Old man: $30,000.
Bartender: Ummm... No, I would need at least 3 million.
Old man (shaking his head and talking to himself): I don't get it. It's just not fair. $30,000 is a lot of money.
--Cobblestones Pub
Overheard by: kapnasty
Headline by: hearer
Runners-Up:
· "From the Pilot for "X-Rated Price Is Right"" - BobBugger
· "Just Go Home, Mr. Hefner." - playgeezer
· "The Market Ain't What It Used to Be" - Rob
· "Well If You Won't Marry Me, Will You at Least Be My Running Mate?" - Michelle
· "When Did Heather Mills Start Bartending?" - Paul Ferris
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Drinks Because Her Parents Named Her BJ
Drunk punk #1: How was your date with BJ?
Drunk punk #2: She got wasted and passed out in her hallway.
Drunk punk #1: Awesome!
--Bouncing Souls Concert, Webster Hall
Explain Katie Couric Then, Brainiac
(excited dog jumps onto lady)
Lady: Oh, why are you so frisky?
Dog walker: He's a puppy.
Lady: Oh, so he's new to New York? Soon he'll be just as jaded and angry as the rest of us.
--32nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Tacomeat
Avenue Q Tipped Him Over the Edge
UES middle aged lady #1: Oh hi! I haven't seen you in so long! How are you?
UES middle aged lady #2: Not so great, my husband just told me he's gay.
--Duane Reade, 1st & 72nd
What's More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?
Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.
--7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America--this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day...they even makin' milk on Christmas!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Tess
Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!
--45th & 9th
Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation...
--Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens
Conductor: This is the r local to Continental... Forest Hills... Queens... USA!
--R Train
Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Wednesday One-Liners Sneak Big Shampoo Into Their Carry-Ons
Pilot: We haven't been cleared for landing yet, so we're just going to have to fly around for about 30 minutes. We have about 45 minutes worth of fuel left, so we should be okay.
--Flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Andrea
TSA representative to man punching the beeping metal detector: Sir, I don't think that you understand how this works, but you are not supposed to punch the machine when it beeps.
--JFK
Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen of the jur... We'll be coming around to serve refreshments shortly.
--JFK to Burbank
Overheard by: Bella
Pilot: I would like to apologize for the long delay and I am happy to announce that we will shortly be making our way over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go in Louisville. Our flux capacitor is up and running and once this baby hits 188 miles per hour you'd better hold on tight.
--LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: So, is everyone excited to go to Honolulu?
--JFK Flight to San Francisco
Overheard by: that would be nice, though...
A Woman's Right to Wednesday One-Liners
Angry black woman: Why these motherfuckers always wearing "right for life" buttons, philosophizing and shit?
--Dallas BBQ, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Mike H
Student: Aborting your baby is so boring now. Everyone does it.
--Bard High School Early College
Drunk loud teenage Latina: Ladies and gentlemen, I am a minority and I have never had an abortion!
--N Train
Overheard by: g-lime
Man on cell: Oh... Oh shit... Well, can't you just take a wire hanger and pull it out? Yeah, just stick the hanger in and pull it right out! Okay? Okay. Bye.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: marge
Fabulous gay guy: So, my coworkers at Olive Garden all wanted to go out for a picnic one day. Our one friend had to work though, so we told her to tell our boss she needed to go get an abortion and she actually did it!
--Life Cafe, Avenue B & 10th St
Overheard by: Rachel W.
There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners
Festering pedestrian: Well, he didn't mention my name at the Tonys, and for that I'll never forgive him.
--43rd St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Ryan
Producer of an unsuccessful off-Broadway play: That's what this show makes me do. Everyday I get here and just squeeze my neck just like this, I just squeeze it. I don't do this anywhere else.
--Chelsea Theater
Overheard by: Kyle
Audience member to friend: Of course it sucks. It's Shakespeare.
--Macbeth Performance, Battery Park
Hipster guy: I think this play is by the same guy who wrote Ten Things I Hate about You
--NYCL Production of Shakespeare's Cymbeline, Central Park
Overheard by: digamma
Hipster girl: Last time I was in the third row, but I think I like these better. At least I won't get my head humped tonight.
--Hair Performance, Delacorte Theatre
Teenybopper at intermission: Joe Jonas would make such an incredible bodega guy!
--Richard Rodgers Theatre
Wednesday-One-Lina, Please!
Ghetto guy: Fuck no! That nigga's soft as cotton.
--Union Square
Black guy: Yo nigga, I called this nigga and said "Yo nigga."
--59th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Satch
Random old black guy sitting alone on steps: Nigga who, nigga what, nigga where, nigga what?
--2nd ave and 8th st
Overheard by: evanescent
Chinese kid to another: Do I look pussy to you, nigga?
--Sunset Park, Brooklyn
White thug on cell: What? You can't call me nigga, you're white!
--Beverley Road & Ocean Parkway
White guy to Dominican guy: Yo, you look like the kinda nigga who gets bitches. Where they at?
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Benny the boo
We Heart Wednesday One-Liners
Skater boy: I love Jennifer Aniston! I would fuck her and then leave her!
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Grad student: I've been analyzing my love life from a symbolic interactionist perspective...
--Amsterdam Cafe
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy on cell: I love you...(defensively) Yes I do!
--Columbus Circle
Loud guy: You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Kelsey
Man on cell: Then I thought that if I asked her out she would think that I think that she thinks that I think that she loves me.
--59th St & 8th Ave
Black girl behind the counter (after receiving a few text messages and calls): Why is everyone harassing me today? (sighs) I feel loved.
--Coldstone Creamery
Overheard by: Eli
Bus driver on loudspeaker: This bus is beautiful. We care about one another, we share our experiences, our dreams and aspirations. I love each and every one of y'all. So...that's what this is.
--X30 Bus
Overheard by: i just like him as a friend...
A Wednesday in Need Is a One-Liner Indeed
Angry man on cell: I need a friend in my life! Do you hear me?! ...I don't care! I'm not leaving my wife for anyone!
--Roosevelt Ave, Flushing
Overheard by: oh, you thought my ipod was on
Girl to friend: Tomorrow I'm finally unpacking and I'm buying a new sundress to wear on Sunday when I go out to brunch with my new love interest. But he doesn't know that's the direction our friendship is headed.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: A. Pincus
Older woman with teased black hair on cell: But Frank, I don't want you to write a song about me. I want things to be as they were, friends when we were normal. Don't write me a song.
--Staten Island Ferry
Girl to friend: Well, I'm friends with him too and I didn't sleep with him.
--Shake Shack, Union Square
Girl to friend: I'm willing to let you sleep with my best friend and you still want more?
--W 31 & 6th
Overheard by: misery
Angry woman on cell: And then he told this complete stranger, "My ex-wife had lesbian lovers! My ex-wife slept with young boys!" We've been divorced for six years and he's still talking shit about me, but he says he wants to be friends?!
--2nd St & Ave A
Overheard by: voidoid
Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be THOUGHT of As Ferocious
Guy walking to rehearsal: I mean, he's really cute in that way that makes you want to hit him with a desk.
--Steinhardt Building, NYU
Middle school girl (about poster for condoms): Ewwww, at least they could've put cute gay guys!
--Q train
Overheard by: Robert
Vapid high school chick: Oh my god, I just found out that he's actually dating a freshman. And not even one of the cute ones either...she's like, brown.
--Central Park
Obviously gay boy screaming into cell: Jeremy, why the fuck didn't you tell me the massage therapist you sent me to does erotic massage? All I wanted was a place to relax! (pause) Yeah, halfway through he started jacking me off! (pause) Seriously? He never did that to you? (pause) Don't be offended. You're cute. He just could probably tell I have a big dick and couldn't keep his hands off it.
--Broadway & 20th St
Dude to friends: Did I tell you guys about the girl that I hooked up with the other night? She totally looked like a beaver... (awkward silence) ...but I mean a really cute beaver.
--Ace Bar, 5th St b/w Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Santa's Boy Toy
Girl on cell: Tim's cute, I just wish he didn't love Jesus so much.
--N Train
Behind the Scenes With Wednesday One-Liners
Suit on cell: I just don't know what my problem is. I keep getting fucked in the ass, and I just can't figure out why!
--54th b/w Madison & 5th
Overheard by: Pedro
Gay guy to boyfriend (angrily): Well, fine--you can fuck your own ass then.
--W Train
Overheard by: Bethany
Female suit on cell: That's the last time I tell him he can put it anywhere...I haven't been able to sit right all day.
--54th & 5th
Overheard by: GP
Hipster girl to friend: These short-haired girls are starting to piss me off. The only reason why they get all the artsy guys is 'cause they look like fellow fags and aren't prissy about taking it up the butt.
--6 Train
Overheard by: lauren
Girl on cell: He wanted to do it in the butt... No, his butt.
--37th & 7th
Serious woman to friends: Yeah, my students are telling me that the newest thing is butt sex.
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker
Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee...
--6 Train
Overheard by: j
Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.
--NJ Transit
Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.
--Borders
Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.
--E Train
Overheard by: Nicole
College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!
--1 Train
Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?
--E 9th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peanut
Wednesday One-Liners: The Final Frontier
Crazy man dressed like a King: Everyone, I just bought the sun! So if you don't mind, I'd like a hundred dollars an hour if you're using my sunlight.
--Sheep Meadow, Central Park
MTA track worker to another: Why does everybody wanna die tonight, Eric? Is there a full moon or something?
--49th St Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man talking to himself on imaginary cellphone: There will never be peace until the planet explodes. Then there will be peace. (pause) Yes, I took my medication today.
--R Train
Overheard by: Matt Giella
Guy in line for a play: I don't take my sunglasses off because the sun never sets on a badass
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: clara
Teen thug to another: He said he likes sunsets. Who says he likes sunsets?
--Macon & Marcy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: g
Co-ed: And Galileo's like, "Saturn has rings!" And Kepler's like, "Oh my god, really?" And Galileo's like, "Ya, really!"
--1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Been There, Done That
(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman: Well, that about sums it up.
--Broadway & 19th
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Yours Truly
Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!
--Hudson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!
--Turtle Pond, Central Park
Overheard by: Confused
Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lola
Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay...
--8th Ave & 20th St
Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Philouza
And Drink Every Time They Say "Safety"
Tourist kid #1 (reading MTA sign): "Be prepared. Watch the safety video on www.mta.com."
Tourist kid #2: Ooh! Let's watch that when we get home!
--2 Train
Overheard by: Where are you from that considers that exciting?
Otherwise Known As Fat Cow Disease
Adorable little boy: Mommy, can I have a Hershey bar?
Mom: Yes.
Adorable little boy: I want this big one.
Mom: You can't have a candy bar that big...you might catch the obesity virus.
--Broadway & 2nd
When Home-Schooling Attacks!
(moon is covered by a cloud)
Five-year-old boy: Where is the moon?
Mom (looking everywhere): Once it's full it goes back to the beginning, so no moon tonight.
--86th & 5th
Overheard by: Stephanie
Calling Me on My Transparent Scam Like That
Homeless man to passengers: If you ever have any leftover food or drinks or whatnot, you can bring them to me at this address. (hands out business cards)
Suit: Umm... How'd you get the money to print out business cards?
Homeless man: Kiss my ass, give me that card back!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Christine
How Fox Decides What Shows Will Go to Syndication
Dad: King of the Hill?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah!
Dad: Simpsons?
Six-year-old daughter: Yeah!
Dad: Alf?
Six-year-old daughter: Noooooooo.
--117th & Broadway
Which I Wear in a Full Windsor Knot
Black dude: Hey, I like your tie!
White kid: Thanks.
Black dude: Cause it's black, like my cock!
--21st St
The Earth Got So Fat That Nobody Loves It
Boy: When I was little I used to think that if the planet got heavy enough, it would start to fall.
Friend: You must have been pretty smart to even think that when you were a little kid.
Boy: But what if I still think that?
Friends: Then you're a dumb ass.
--C Train
Overheard by: Rafael DaSilva
Matching Sets Are All the Rage This Season
Ten-year old girl: Can I have another baby?
Mom: Um... No...maybe two.
--W 238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Krisztina, hoping to God they're talking about dolls
We Hope You Never Do
Teen girl #1: We have to go to 90th and Broadway.
Teen girl #2: So, that's only 30 blocks away.
Teen girl #1: No, it's 60 blocks.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah, I was multiplying.
--LIRR
Not to Mention Spidey-Sense
Woman #1: So, how are you holding up?
Woman #2: You know, doing the best I can, using the five senses.
Woman #1: There's six senses.
Woman #2: No there's five: walking, talking, breathing, reading and writing.
Woman #1: What about seeing?
Woman #2: Well yeah, there's also fire, wood, air, and water; but I don't know why they don't count those.
--B68 Bus
Law and Order Finally Runs Out of Plot Scenarios
Mother on stoop: You need to get inside this house, now.
Fat 11-year old boy: Ten more minutes!
Mother: No, now.
Fat 11-year old boy (yelling): Ten! More! Minutes!
Mother: Don't make me call the cops!
--23rd & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Claire H.
Young Ahab Loses the Battle With the Great Brown Whale
Older brother: I just took the biggest shit in the bathroom I have seen in months. It started overflowing and I ran out.
Younger brother: Wow, I bet that thing put up a fight coming outta you, huh?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Cody Smith
Which Cost Them the Cold War
White girl #1: Do you dance hip hop?
White girl #2: I'm too white for that.
White girl #3: I can dance and I'm white.
White girl #2: But you're Russian? Russian people don't have any black people.
--32nd & 5th Ave
Especially If You Have Long Nails
Law student in the middle of the hallway: I think I got her on the foot thing.
Friend: Yeah? Just don't push it too hard.
--Fordham Law School
Like, Ahmadinejad Unfabulous
Bottle blonde: Eww, listen to this: he asked me to have a threesome for his birthday.
Natural blonde: So are you going to do it?
Bottle blonde: Ewwwie! No.
Natural blonde: Yeah...that wouldn't be too fabulous.
--Washington Square Park
'He Sounds Oxycontinental', They Said
Actor: So that's how I screwed up my callback for Jersey Boys--I was on OxyContin.
Friend: Oh my god, that's like legal heroin!
Actor: I know, so I was all fucked up, but I didn't want to say anything. They probably wrote down "reads well, but sings with a very strange accent."
--A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
'Cause Johnny Still Hates Jazz
Man: Yo mama, what you readin'?
College girl: Jazz, by Toni Morrison.
Man: Oh that's cool. What's it about?
College girl: Music.
Man: What kind of music? Is that about opera and shit?
College girl: Ummm...
--E Train
Overheard by: Is that like Britney's music?
John and Alice Subtly Convey Their Sexual Predilections
Girl: I'm all jacked up on Mello Yello!
Guy: Oh yeah? Well, I'm the rug-master!
--E Train
Our Cryptic Idioms Are the Only Thing Setting Us Apart from the Pack
Short girl #1: So after my mom met my boyfriend she was all, "He seems a lot more interesting than you."
Short girl #2: Well, obviously. That's just our fruit to bear.
--NYU Alumni Hall Elevator
Overheard by: Philouza
Especially After the Mandatory Sex With Strangers
Tourist choir dude: You'll have to smoke.
Tourist choir chick: No, I won't.
Tourist choir dude: Yes, you have to smoke if you live here.
--Broadway & Wall St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
There Really Are Better Methods of Contraception
Hipster white guy: You got mad abortion issues, yo!
Hipster white chick: Yeah.
--Motor City Bar
People Who Shouldn't Go to Japan
Average Joe: Short people are insufferable!
Shorter friend: Tell me about it!
--Bleecker St & Carmine St
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Headline by: Jane
Runners-Up:
· "...And They Have Limited Vocabularies and Will Agree With Anything" - Bob
· "I Thought I Just Did." - Katie
· "That Scene From "The Wizard Of Oz" Was Like Hell on Earth!" - space coyote
· "To Be Fair, He Did Reply in That High-Pitched Cackle" - Kenneth
· "Tom Cruise Is Refreshingly Self-Aware" - Meg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Trafalgar Square?
Tourist #1: Oh, I think this is that famous intersection.
Tourist #2: Is it?
Tourist #1: Yeah, this is it.
--Times Square
Gosh, I Love Bible School Retreats
Teen girl #1 : I'ma get fucked up tonight...
Teen girl #2 : She didn't tell you what happened last time? (points at friend ) I was fucked up by 8 pm and don't remember shit, I woke up with someone else's shirt and no panties on.
--F Train
Overheard by: Frais