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November 2008 Archives
...When Did I Have Peas?
Young woman, after vomiting all over the train: I'm fine.
Young man: You're not fine, you just threw up!
Young woman: Well, I'm fine now.
--Q Train
Overheard by: MPW
Then Why's That Guy Sashaying?
Concerned girl crossing street: But the light says "Don't walk"!
Amused friend: Right...so we run!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: I was sauntering, personally
And Has Better Legs Than I Do!
Woman: Is angel a boy or a girl?
Teenager: Angel's a boy, mom.
Woman: But he sounds like a girl!
--Nederlander Theatre
Except When I Went on That Drug Run
(after 20 minute discussion)
Kindergartener: What are we talking about?
Kindergarten teacher: Where have you been all day?
Kindergartener (shrugging) school.
--Public School
Plus I Ate a Latke Once.
Dominican #1: But I'm a Jew, man!
Dominican #2: You're a Jew?
Dominican #1: Shit yeah.
Dominican #2: Man, I didn't know there was any Jewish Dominicans.
Dominican #1: Not that kind of Jew. You ever met a Dominican Jew? Dominicans aren't Jews! I just feel Jewish, man. My whole life I've been feelin' Jewish like that. You know, like if there's a penny on the street I pick it up!
--168th St Subway
That Was the Night I Became a Man
Guy #1: Getting old is not cool, man. I walked in on my mom in the shower once, it was gross...her boobs go down to her fucking knees.
Guy #2: No, they don't.
Guy #1: Yeah, what the fuck do you know?
(pause)
Guy #2: So, remember that party where she got drunk and smoked that salvia?
--14th St
I Liked the Part Where It Said "S E X" in the Sky
Teen #1: Yo, scar's a thug...
Teen #2: But he didn't even kill him! He pushed him off a motherfuckin' cliff!
Teen #1: And then he got trampled by some...wilda'beast or some shit.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Church Avenue? Figures
Woman: God loves us all. It doesn't matter if you have a lot of money or where you come from. It's time for you to give yourself to him. Believe in god!
Man #1: Hey! Get off the PCP!
Man #2: Lady, shut the fuck up! Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Woman: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. (leaves)
--F Line, Church Ave Stop
Overheard by: carrieb
I'm Good, Thanks
Hobo to cashier: Hey, Mike, are you a junkie?
Cashier: No.
Hobo: Would you like to be?
--Love Saves the Day, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Caelster
So Could You Mop the Amniotic Fluid Off the Floor or What?
Managerial-looking guy in suit in lobby of movie theater: So let me get this straight. Your pregnant wife left in the middle of the movie, but you're still here.
Husband: Yeah, but I gave her cab fare.
--84th & Broadway
Lindsay Lohan Was Always Quite the Handful
Kid to dad: Order a Margarita so I can have some.
Dad to kid: I don't drink alcohol and you are nine years old!
--Bar, Montegue Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: hungry law student
Just Like the Old Song Goes
Guy #1: I was totally eyefucking her.
Guy #2: Yeah, you were eyefucking her from here to Puerto Rico.
Guy #1: Yeah, I was.
--6th Ave & 56th St
Overheard by: Chloe
Mamma Mia, That's a Spicy Matzoh Ball!
Guy #1: You must be Italian.
Guy #2: Uh...no, I'm Jewish.
Guy #1: Are you sure? You really look Italian.
Guy #2: Of course I'm sure. What do I have to do to prove it to you?
Guy #3: I don't like where this is going.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Jenya
Except Muslims, of Course
Cute teenage girl: Ma, what's with that Pope? Isn't he a pedophile or something?
Mother: This is New York, honey. We take everybody.
--21st St & 5th Ave
Leave Hillary Alone, People.
Flagrantly homosexual Hispanic drag queen: So, I was like, lookin', and I realized what we been hearin' is true! And damnnnn, he looked hot.
Equally homosexual drag queen who unfortunately retained many masculine characteristics: What?! She's a man now?!
--Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: Kat
We'll Be Too Busy Experimenting with Oral Sex
Eight-year-old girl: Well, we could go to a movie for a date!
Mother: I don't know about that...
Eight-year-old girl (seriously): It's not like we're going to share popcorn!
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: redefining childhood sweethearts
Which May Explain Why I'm Failing Seven Classes
Guy: Do you know what time it is?
Girl: No, I forgot my watch. But it doesn't matter, I don't really know how to tell time anyway.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill Campus
Captain Jack Sparrow Has Pirates Who Do That
Guy on date: Everything in my kitchen is from Crate and Barrel.
Girl on date: Oh.
Guy: My cups, my saucers, my plates, I have an espresso machine...
Girl: Wow.
Guy: Yeah, but I haven't mopped the floor in over a month.
--Broadway & Houston
As Much So As Anything at the MoMA
19-year-old kid, examining stack of legal-sized paper with type on it in a stairwell corner area: It's art.
19-year-old friend: It's art?
19-year-old kid: I guess.
--Whitney Museum, Biennial Exhibit
Overheard by: Amanda
She Duels Like Yoda
Guy to woman with baby strapped to her chest: Your baby looks like a little Yoda.
Woman: That's what my husband said.
Husband: No, I said she looks like Obi-Wan.
--Path b/w Christopher & 9th
Overheard by: Brwnman
Shouldn't We Be Dancing on a Bar Somewhere?
Girl #1: I feel weird today.
Girl #2: Me too.
Girl #1: I feel like I'm single again.
Girl #2 (squealing excitedly): Me too!
--N Train
Overheard by: sara n.
Coming Soon to Reality TV: Homicide or Furry Ride?
JAP #1: Oh my god, did you hear about what Aaron wrote on Brittany's Facebook wall?
JAP #2: Oh my god, yeah, that's like, disgusting. Like, she looks like a fucking koala.
JAP #1: Totally. Like, who wants to date a tree climbing marsupial?
JAP #2: Fuck no! I'd rather kill my brother!
--Saks Fifth Avenue
...Sell at 23! ...I Said Sell at 23!
Mom to six-year old son on cell: Come on, Christopher, let's go.
Six-year old son: What! I'm on the phone!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Never Having Children
Every New Yorker Should Have One Of Those
50-something man (picking up small box): Look at this! You could put your dope in this!
Wife: You wouldn't be able to fit very much dope in there...I could use it to hold my bitterness.
--Store, Crosby St
I'm Just Sayin' If You Play in the Swamp, You're Gonna Get Muddy
Hipster girl: Rough butt sex.
Hipster guy: But that's what it would've smelled like anyway.
--St. Mark's Place
Or a Bench Press, for Hanging Clothing On
Girl #1: I really need to get fit, I need to buy a tredmill, you know, so I can just sit there and use it.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too.
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Lisa
You're the One Who Said Hot Dogs Aren't Real Food
NYU girl: There's not enough time. You can't get lunch.
NYU boy (running towards a hot dog cart): I can. I'm hungry!
NYU girl (shouting after him): You're fat!
--Washington Square Park
From The Alcoholic Miser's Guide to the Big Apple
Server: Would you ladies like iced water or bottled water?
20-something girl: Do we have to pay for bottled water?
Server: Um, yes.
20-something girl: Oh, then no. I'll just have a beer.
--Pisticci Restaurant, La Salle & Broadway
Overheard by: Edd
Dude, Don't Tease the Homeless
Homeless woman on train walking around with a tip cup after playing the guitar: Please spare some change. Somebody. Anybody!
30-something Guido, pulling out a $20: Do you have change?
--7 Train
Overheard by: Maria
Hippies Are Into Sexual Assault?
Hippie chick #1: Dude, I fucking love Demuth.
Hippie chick #2: I know, right!
Hippie chick #1: If I ever met that man, I'd totally rape him.
Hippie chick #2: Oh my god! I would too!
--The Met
What About Ankle Socks?
Neighbor #1: Do you have any socks?
Neighbor #2: Knee socks? Or any socks?
Neighbor #1: Do you have any socks?
Neighbor #2: No.
Neighbor #1: Do you have knee socks?
Neighbor #2: No.
--Wagner College Dorms, Staten Island
Come Back When I've Grown This Out and I'll See What I Can Do
Customer holding $300 worth of lighting equipment: You know, if you want to give me a discount that would be totally fine with me.
Only non-hasidic employee in sight: Sorry sir, its not my store...I don't even have the right haircut.
--BH Photo
I Know About Signs Of Sun-Damage...
Teacher: Do you know anything about gang signs?
Ginger student: Do you think I know anything about gang signs? I'm as white as can be!
--Stuyvesant High School
Tell Me Your Name and We'll Go from There
Meathead #1: I am so getting my dick sucked by the end of the day.
Meathead #2: I'll make sure of it, dude.
Meathead #1: (silence)
--Grand Central
Overheard by: DrNels
Yeah, But I Still Know Where Korea Is
Kmart security guard to dumbfounded customer: Excuse me, Korea is in America, right?
Customer: Korea!? Korea is an independent nation very far from the US in the east.
Security guard: Oh, okay, are you sure? Are you American?
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: astonished
That's What You Said About the Statue of Liberty!
Guy #1: Wait, maybe it isn't really a synagogue.
Guy #2: Maybe it's a Madrassa.
Guy #3: It's a speakeasy.
--W 86th St, Outside Society for the Advancement of Judaism
Overheard by: Emily B.
Note to Self: Buy Coffeemaker
Woman making dolls dance: Eeeeee! Eeeeee! Eeeeee!
Young woman, waiting for her coffee: They're very cute.
Woman with dolls (still dancing them): They are. Eeeee!
Young woman: Did you make them?
Woman with dolls: Yes, I did.
Young woman: I like their little sweaters.
Woman with dolls: I didn't make the sweaters.
Young woman: Oh.
--Starbucks
Afterwards I Proclaim, "You've Been Morty-fied!"
Woman: Morty is a great actor, you just wouldn't know it.
Morty: Yeah, I fake it in bed.
--Connelly Theatre, E 4th
Five Minutes Later, They Found a Supply Closet and Made Sweet Love
20-something girl: Hey! How are you? You look great! What have you been doing now that you finished school?
20-something suit: Virgins only.
20-something girl: So that means we won't be having sex again.
20-something suit: Been there, done that.
--6 Train
New York City Is So Inconvenient
Arab bodega worker to white kid trying to buy 40s: How old are you?
White kid: 21
Black dude with dreads: Yo, you better make sure of that, you don't want to lose your liquor license. If you lose it, then I'm gonna have to walk a whole 'nother block to get beer.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Phil
...Until You Tell Me Your Name
Horny girl: Come on, babe.
Bemused guy: Stop touching my titty.
--LIRR
Overheard by: awkward onlooker
It's Been My Fantasy Since I Was a Little Girl
Black girl: And I told that nigga that one of these days he's better goddamn fuck me sober!
Friend: Damn straight!
--67th & Lexington
Overheard by: Oliver Woodhead
She Sure Has a Wide Social Circle for a Four-Year-Old
Guy #1: Hey, don't I know you?
Guy #2: No, I don't think so.
Guy #1: Yeah, yeah. I know you. (takes out cell phone) Your sister's in my top five.
Guy #2: Ashley?!
--Toys 'R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Lee
Well Then, Not Since Wednesday
Stuck-up high school girl #1: Are you in distress?
Stuck-up high school girl #2: What does that mean?
Stuck-up high school girl #1: I think it means when you're pregnant.
--B Train
Overheard by: not too smart
Just Like Buddha Was the Easter Bunny.
Girl #1, about street preacher: Oh my god, I cannot believe he said Jesus was the devil.
Girl #2: I know! Jesus was Moses. Duh.
--Times Square
Overheard by: joanna
Tired of Making Out With Two-Dimensional Losers
Girl wearing 3-D glasses: Dude, I wish I could go through life three beers deep and wearing these things.
Friend: Yeah, you'd make out with everyone.
--W Lounge, Fashion Week
Headline by: Karl
Runners-Up:
· "I Wear My 3-D Glasses at Night..." - Lisa K
· "It'd Be Like the Penis Is Coming Right at You!" - Joeritos
· "Megan's Parents Would Come to Regret Taking Her to the Hannah Montana 3-D Movie" - Claire
· "So Basically Normal, But With Glasses" - Ross
· "The Bush Twins Can Finally Be Themselves" - Svenn Diagram
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We Require an Application and 3 Letters of Reference
Charity rep. with big water bottle of money: Give so that homeless won't go hungry, even a dollar helps!
Homeless guy in wheelchair: Give me some of that money, I'm homeless.
Charity rep: Sorry, doesn't work like that.
--Times Square
...Did You Hear There's a War in Iraq?
Woman #1: You hear her dog died?
Woman #2: Who dog died?
Woman #1: Oprah's dog died.
(long pause)
Woman #2: So, anyway...
--Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
This Way I Can Gaze at Your Beautiful Hair
Husband: (smiles).
Angry wife (crossing her arms as she crosses the street): Shut up. I want you to walk 12 steps behind me.
Husband (putting his arms up making it look like he's praising god): Hallelujah!
--St. Benedicts Church, Bronx
Overheard by: nikki q
"Wednesday One-Liners" by Mennen
45-year-old woman: So I ended up shaving it, and it looks so pretty! It's like I'm ten years old again!
--Houlihans Restaurant
Overheard by: remembers when she was ten years old
Girl on cell: Wait. The dad shaves the son's ass?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Guy in shower to guy in the next: Man, I am never shaving my pubes again.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Guy with a bunch of tattoos: The sex was great, but she was psychotic. Every time I shaved she would accuse me of having had oral sex with another woman.
--86th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Alan
British woman on cell: Are you shaving? Your face or your balls?
--13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Just around
You Want Wednesday One-Liners? We Got 'em!
Man handing out New York Post: New York Post! If you're illiterate, only 75 cents! If you only lookin at pictures, 50 cents!
--6th Ave & W 8th St
Overheard by: lady v
Man selling cotton candy: Get your cotton candy here! Cotton candy! I got your all-natural blue fibers of sugar right here! Straight from the blue cotton fields of...Virginia! Cotton candy, here!
--Shea Stadium
Street perfume seller to browser: You like Vera Wang, princess? This is genuine Wang.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: Weary Communter
Street vendor: Hey, where are you ladies from? (two teenage girls walk by) Oh, that's cool, that's cool, I think I have a friend that lives there!
--7th & 40th
Overheard by: Tiffany
AM New York guy: Sir, would you like a paper this morning? No? No? (shakes head and looks at the ground) I don't care. (pause) It's okay, I don't care.
--145th & St. Nich
Overheard by: sorry charlie
Fake purse salesman: Gucci makes the coochie go woo woo!
--Times Square
The Least-Nasty Wednesday One-Liners We Could Find
Middle aged lady on cell: Lots of people say Dallas is really nice. Lots of nice people, nice weather. What do you have against it?" (pause) That was in '63!
--M79
Party girl to cool guy: Why can't you let me be nice? I'm not nice to anyone.
--77th & York Ave
Overheard by: UES Suit
Flamboyantly gay guy to crowd of girls at Pinkberry: You know, I was just trying to do something nice, and this is how you treat me? Fuck y'all, I'm gonna be the next President. (storms off)
--St. Mark's
Overheard by: scarface
Garbage man to another: Man, Attica is the best prison. High class. That shit is nice!
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: eliza
Suit on cell: I wonder what his wife is like. She's probably nice, but rich. You know what I mean.
--2nd Ave & 88th St
Woman on cell: Nice people just can't tell if they're pregnant.
--W Houston & Varick
Overheard by: courtney messer
Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty Sharp
Conductor: Stand clear of the doors. You are delaying service. (pause, then impatiently) Stand clear of the doors! You are delaying service! (pause) I will come back there and stab you if you do not get out of the doorway.
--Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Special K
Loud girl: I will stab someone just to prove a point.
--E 187th
Overheard by: Martian
Woman on cell walking little boy: I told you he was an asshole last weekend. (pause) Why did you expect any different? (pause) You ain't gonna stab no nigga. I'm gonna call you "Captain Stab 'em." (laughs) You always saying you gonna stab somebody!
--Manhattan Bridge
Overheard by: Lacy
20-something man: I know...I just couldn't pull out my sword fast enough.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Richard
Actor: Yeah, it's a great part! I play a father who stabs his son...
--M23 Bus
Young suit: Wouldn't it be awesome if, like, right across the street from my apartment we could buy fireworks? ...and swords!
--81st & Broadway
Yo' Mama's So Wednesday, She's a One-Liner!
Sleazy biker, taking a bottle from marathon relief table: My mother always told me I should be bottle-fed.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Uncomfortable volunteer
NYU student on cell, angrily: I was trying to show your mom a good time so I wouldn't have to stick my dick in her again!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: chris k.
Guido on cell: So you fucked the mother *and* the daughter?
--23rd & 3rd
Guy to girl: Anything over 50 is a super milf!
--Chelsea
Teen to friend: Cause I ain't no full-time mama. I'm a part-time mama.
--Church & Chambers
Middle aged hipster with ponytail and gray streaked goatee: I'm a soccer mom!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe
Five-year-old girl in funny voice: I don't wear eyeshadow. I am an alien. I am allowed to be weird.
--Downtown 6 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Brunette: So, wait. Are they scientists or large-headed aliens?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo: You may not know this, but I am from another planet. I am also recruiting souls for my army in the underworld. We are four hundred thousand billion strong. Everybody better watch out!
--1 Train
Geeky guy to another: Have you seen the planet he's from? Goddamn!
--N Train
Girl to friend (animated, with hand gestures): I mean, you could actually *see* E.T.'s birth...
--5th Ave & 14th St
Guy, very sure of himself: I would much rather hunt aliens than ghosts, at least that makes sense.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: jessi pfeufer
Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net
Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"
--Outside W 4th St Train Station
Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum... It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!
--Lower Manhattan
Overheard by: Matt
Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!
--42nd St AMC Theaters
Overheard by: Angel
Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.
--Broadway, Astoria
Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.
--3rd Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: nycpuhlease
20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.
--M2 Bus
What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?
Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?
--1 Penn Plaza
Overheard by: Nora
Hot dog vendor: To go?
--Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Chrissy
Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?
--Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York
Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?
--Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St
Overheard by: Dianora
20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?
--Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park
Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn't it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn't food?
--W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Conductor: Next stop is...where am I?
--Uptown 1 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Big Endowment
Girl: We can't become gay just to fit in at this school!
--NYU
Passer-by: I pay $40k a year for school, and that makes me better than you.
--NYU, Tisch
Overheard by: Dan Lurie
NYU girl at party: My parents are actually really into civil liberties.
--NYU Dorm
NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I'm a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??
--8th & University
Overheard by: Melissa Perez
Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who's going to judge me? There's like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.
--Tisch Hall, NYU
Mother, pushing crying two-year-old in stroller: They're never going to accept you here if you keep screaming!
--NYU Admissions
Overheard by: Sam
One-Liners Are All Wednesday Can Afford
11-year-old girl: Yo mamma's broke cuz she spend all her money on rhinestones and cigarttes!
--Riverside Branch Library
Overheard by: always listening
Polite lady: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects--don't worry, they're mixed income--and you'll see it when you come out on A.
--1st Ave & 5th St.
Overheard by: Mrqs
Old lady waiting for the bathroom: How long do people stay in toilets? Jesus! It's a public toilet! There are all these people from the streets that come in, and they always pee on the floor. Well, that's what happens when you're poor.
--NY Public Library
Overheard by: Avery
Homegirl to friend: So she was like "oh, my name's Diamond. And this is my sister, her name's Ruby. Our daddy named us after stuff he can't afford." I was like, shit, if that was the case, my daddy woulda call us "lights" and "gas."
--Prospect Park
Nerdish teen: What the hell was a warlock doing in a dungeon when he had no money?
--C Train
Overheard by: Andrew
Hershey's Wednesday One-Liners
Drunken guy to stoned guy: I would kiss you, but you might remember.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Girl: And so he's like, "I kissed you on the mouth last night", and I'm like "oh really? I didn't know."
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: jaytro
Dude on cell: Yeah, bro, leave it to me. I decide to cheat on my wife and I end with some stupid whore who wants to play kissie-face in a fucking Newark parking lot.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Cute girl approaches frat boy at bar: I was going to pretend I don't know you, but I do know you, and now I think I want to kiss you. Is that okay?
--Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Latina girl on cell: Well, my cousin died two years ago, right, and on the one-year anniversary that's when I kissed him.
--Outside Victoria Fashions, 116th & 3rd
Overheard by: Chuckles
Older German woman with accent: So when she was little she used to take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay on the floor, and she wouldn't get up until someone kissed her! It was so cute!
--1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Maeve
Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.
--Duane Reade
10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.
--Christopher St & Waverly Place
Overheard by: sharknife
Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.
--NYU
Overheard by: ninja z
Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.
--Conde Nast Building
Overheard by: jackattack
Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.
--34th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Alis
Plus I Need the Answer to a Really Tough Math Problem
Latino cop #1 (directing traffic): Yo, why you stopping that guy? You let all the other people through.
Latino cop #2: Yo, Chinese people do not know how to drive.
--Broadway & Fulton, Brooklyn
But He's All, "I'm Gay, Mom."
Lady who lunches #1: This is his first marriage, he should enjoy it while it lasts. They aren't all gonna be this new.
Lady who lunches #2: True, true...
--Monkey Bar, E 54th St
Overheard by: Jenn-O
Like It Was on Staten Island
Guy: Ugh, it's raining again.
Girl: Well, at least it's not raining shit.
--Outside the Guggenheim
And in the Face, Too
Girl #1 (about girl #2's ex): But would you shoot him?
Girl #2: Yeah. Wellll... Maybe not in the face. I mean, I don't know if I would have the heart to, like, shoot him. At least not in the face. But I would stab him. Definitely I would stab him. No questions asked.
--N Train
Overheard by: Thea Colton
And His Soup Is Overrated.
Girl: The Nazi?
Guy: The Nazi.
Girl: He's not so bad.
--St. Mark's Place
I Was Just Gonna Make a Cunning Little "Shitstorm" Joke
Guy #1: You'd better bring an umbrella tomorrow.
Guy #2: Yeah, it's supposed to rain.
Guy #1: It's supposed to rain?!
--PATH Train, WTC
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
He Once Set Fire to the Living Room After a Particularly Taxing "All-Play"
Guy #1: Dude, don't look behind you.
Guy #2 (looking): Oh great, it's a giant stack of Scene It?, the DVD movie game. I was wondering why I felt like burning this place to the ground.
Guy #2: Fuck that game.
--Borders, Colubus Circle
Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe
Guy #1: So in that movie Cloverfield I heard it was a monster.
Guy #2: Yeah, all the blogs say it's a monster. That would be totally funny if it was Britney Spears.
--M15 Bus
I Was Gonna Make a Bra with Those
Man with four traffic cones slung over his shoulder: They took our fuckin' cones, man.
Friend: They what?
Man: I'm taking our fuckin' cones back. They stole our fuckin' cones.
--5th Ave & 13th St
You'd Also Think They Could've Avoided Delays Every Fucking Time It Rains, But...
Girl #1: Oooh, we're above ground! What if a big gust of wind comes along?
Girl #2: I don't think that would be a problem.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess the engineers probably thought about that.
--F Train
Why Construction Workers Wear Hardhats
Construction worker #1 (yelling): We got one big one and two little ones!
Construction worker #2: What? One what?
Construction worker #1: One big one, like your sister!
--Spring St & Crosby St
Why Does This License Say "I.C. Weiner"?
TSA employee at a security checkpoint: Do you have another photo ID? Expired driver licenses are invalid.
Girl carrying tabloid: But what if you, like, don't drive?
TSA employee: You can't use an expired license as identification.
Girl carrying tabloid: Yeah, but what if you didn't drive?
--Kennedy Airport
I've Parlayed It Into a Lucrative Modeling Career
Customer: I love your fries, I'm so addicted.
Cashier: Have you tried anything else on our menu?
Customer: Actually, I'm allergic to chickpeas, so, no.
Cashier: Oh, man, that sucks. Our falafel is so good!
Customer: Yeah...
Cashier: Well, hey, at least you're not allergic to wheat.
Customer: Um...actually...
Cashier: Damn! How do you live like that?
--Taim , West Village
Meet Prince Street's Etiquette Hobo
Little boy in glasses: Excuse me! Do you have big titties?
20-something blonde: What? You shouldn't say stuff like that!
Hobo: Don't you be talkin to ladies like that! She's old enough to be your mama!
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: kma
With a Minor in the Asstecs
Guy: So wait...what's your major?
Girl to group of friends: Booty poppin' bitches.
--Hunter College
Absence of Biscotti = Deprivation
Guy: You're back on the poverty diet?
Girl: Well, I've had four lattes...
Guy: You're totally on the poverty diet.
--Cafe Esperanto
And You Were Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland, Über Alles"
Old German man: Last night those people were staring at us. All of them, staring!
Old American woman: Yeah, they were. I wonder why.
Old German man: I bet they were German too, I wonder if they could tell I was German.
Old American woman: You were dressed pretty classy.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Jake
Wait! Is It Going Above 137th Street?
White chick #1: Excuse me, is there an uptown train to 168th at this station?
White chick #2: Yeah, but the subways aren't running above 137th, they've cut the power lines. Take the M4 up Broadway.
White chick #1: Okay, but there is an uptown 1 train at this station, correct?
White chick #2: Yes, but at the moment it's not working. They kicked us off at 137th and told us to take the bus.
White chick #1: So there isn't an uptown train at this station?
White chick #2: (silence, walks away)
--137th & Broadway
Think I Could Pass Off Bulimia As Repeated Exorcisms?
Black girl #1: You look great. You are like wasting away from your fast.
Black girl #2: Thanks! I asked my brother the other day if I continued fasting after Lent ends, would that be considered a diet or just anorexia?
Black girl #3: Oh my god! I always want to do that.
Black girl #2: He said anorexia, but I'm still thinking about it.
--Town Hall, 43rd St
Overheard by: jesus would be so proud
According to the Ancient Law, You Snooze, You Lose
(passengers start closing bus windows because of heavy rain)
Girl #1: That window's still open.
Girl #2 (reaching over sleeping girl and closing it): Oh my god, I feel like I'm her savior.
Girl #1: Uh-huh.
Girl #2: But now it's really hot. Should we open a window?
Girl #1: Fine. (reaches over and opens the window next to the sleeping girl)
Girl #2: You're evil.
Girl #1: Yeah, like you weren't thinking of doing the same exact thing.
--Bronx Science Vallo Bus
"Time Is a Social Construct!" I Scream Frustratedly, While Opening My Gifts
20-something, with bun and cat glasses: I don't cry.
Grrrl friend: Me neither.
Cat glasses: Only when I'm like really angry or frustrated.
Grrrl friend: Yeah.
Cat glasses: I cry like twice a year. Christmas and birthdays.
--44th St & 8th Ave
Whatever, Just Say It Loud
Woman to friends: So he and his...what do you call an 80-year-old girlfriend? His main squeeze?
Man: His chick!
--Broadway & 102nd
Headline by: markle9
Runners-Up:
· "Ashton Just Calls Her Demi" - AL
· "His Barely Living Proof Of Gravity?" - Aditya
· "His Early Bird Special?" - Siobhan
· "His Old Lady? Nah, That's Too Obvious" - BLS Martha
· "I Believe A-Rod Calls Her Madge" - Gross
· "The Cool Kids Would Say "GILF"" - KateNonymous
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Way to Ruin My Train Buzz
Girl #1: But then I saw the l train and I didn't even know where I was, but I was like, "Ooooh, the l train! They sing about that!"
Girl #2: That's Chicago.
--F Train
Which One's the New Yorker?
Ghetto preacher: Everyday I wake up and thank the lord...
White girl: I don't.
--125th & Lexington
Overheard by: Agie Markiewicz
And a Large Trash Bag, If You Have Any
Crazy Italian man to cashier: Fucking asshole! Where's my fucking money, fucking asshole?! You owe me money! She's German!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Italian man: The German whore owes me $10,000! You'll be finding her body in the basement! That whore better watch out! I'm Italian and I know mafiosi from here to Beverly Hills! ...I'll have a coffee to go...
--Europan Cafe, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: ryan and erin
Alfred the Human Polygraph Had Yet to Learn to Control His Power
Chick: You know, even though I'm 22, every time I go out, when I'm home my mom still waits up for me.
Random guy: No, she doesn't.
--6 Train
Remember When I Ate That Mushroom And Didn't Get an Extra Life?
Guy #1, pantomiming a bowling motion: I scored a 263 on the Wii the other day.
Guy #2: You getting ready for Friday?!
Guy #1: Yeah!
Woman #1 to woman #2: I'm not sure it'll translate.
--Coffee Shop, Park Slope
Why Clifford the Big Red Dog and Lex Luther Need to Be Kept Apart at Cartoon Galas
Guy #1, to friend with shaved head: You look like a penis.
Guy #2: Yeah, well...you have red hair. (mumbling) Freaky ginger child.
--M86 Bus
Many Birds Have Difficulty Adjusting to City Life
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (doors stay open) Pull yourself inside the door and let it close! (still open) Pull your pecker in! (doors close)
--Downtown 2 Train
Overheard by: drew
New Yorkers Are Beginning to Understand How People in Other Countries Feel About Americans
Woman with baby to subway attendant: How do I get to the Empire Trade Center from Canal St?
Friend: Nah, how do we get to where them Twin Towers fell at?
--Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
She Usually Keeps a Blonde Around to Make Herself Look Smarter
Drunk redhead: What's your name again?
Not-so-drunk brunette: It's Autumn.
Drunk redhead: You mean like the month?
--41st St
I Mean, Who'd Want Tuesdays to Be Field Holler Night?
Girl #1: We had to go out and drink tonight, it's Lincoln's birthday! He did so much for us.
Girl #2: Without Lincoln being born we might never have freed the slaves, and if we never freed the slaves we wouldn't have hip-hop music...
Girl #1: And no hip-hop night at home on Tuesdays! We clearly had to go out.
--9th & 27th
New York Will Be Empty Before You Know It
Construction worker #1: My girlfriend is being deported.
Construction worker #2: Why, 'cause she's illegal?
Construction worker #1: No, 'cause she's a fucking whore.
--38th St & 9th Ave
He Did Turn a Crappy Sci-fi Role Into a Lucrative Career
Flyer girl: Macbeth with Patrick Stewart!
Tourist: Is that a magician?
--TKTS
There's That Ivy League Logic
Druggie #1: No. Technically, if you don't have anything on you, they can't arrest you.
Druggie #2: Are you suggesting we smoke naked?
--Columbia University
And We'd Be a Couple of Lost Soles
Stoner preteen #1: I wonder if we could travel to the sun.
Stoner preteen #2: Yeah, dude. I wonder what would happen if we stood on it.
Stoner preteen #1: Our feet would totally burn.
--R Train
Then There's an Orchestral Interlude
Guy: Jimmy wrote a rap.
Girl: Is it good?
Guy: It was... "I'ma fuck her, I'ma fuck her, I'ma fuck her, I'ma fuck her in different ways."
Girl: Oh.
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Alex Berger
The Size of Their Instruments
Barista: Weren't you showing me some German porn just a little earlier?
Patron: It was not porn! It was a music video! With...lots of naked German men in it.
Barista: And the difference is what, exactly?
--Starbucks Near Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Kosi
Wanna Come Over and See My Antlers?
Guy #1: Shoot him in the dick!
Girl playing Big Buck Hunter: I like dicks, but usually I make them do the shooting!
Guy #2: I like where this is headed!
--Black Bear Lodge
Overheard by: DR G LUV
Non-Ironic Glee Is Prohibited Under Borough Guidelines
Middle aged woman, loudly: Spring is in the air, and I'm feeling sprung!
Middle aged husband: Babe, what the hell ya doin?
--Starbucks, Queens
Overheard Editors: "We're Just the Messengers."
Filipino queer: N'est pas moi!
Chick: Wait, what'd you say?
Filipino queer: "N'est pas moi," it's French for "it's not me." Want me to say it in Filipino? Click click click.
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chuckles
But I'll Tell You Anyway
Guy, excitedly: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Girl: No.
Guy, deflated: Oh...you don't want to know about that then.
--NYU
A Unique Fighting Style Which Has Served Me Well
White dude: So, have you heard what happened?
Suit guy: Yeah...he doesn't have the juice I have...I go straight to the balls!
--Canal St.
Overheard by: THA BLACK NINJA
The Hardy Boys Were Called in to Investigate
White lady reading gossip magazine: Will you all be quiet? I wanna read about Madonna's age mystery!
Black hipster girl: Look at that bitch's hands! Case closed.
--2 Train
Overheard by: not from these parts
Meet Some Nice People, for a Change
Toddler at bus stop, throwing a fit: No! I don't want to get on the bus!
Bus driver: Come on! The bus is a fun place!
Nearby passenger: Yeah, I love the bus! Why don't you join us?
Boy's mother: Get your ass on the fucking bus.
--Q44
I Suspect It's Your Thighs You Really Have to Worry About
Girl: I think I have gout. Look at my fat knees!
Guy friend: Are you sure you're not just having self-image issues?
--Starbucks, 96th & Madison
And the Marks Were in the Shape of a Heart
Girl: I can't get drunk when you're not.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: You hit me, you're mean to me, you bite me--the last time you left marks on my boobs!
Guy: I never hit you.
--125th St & Broadway
Overheard by: psychologist-in-waiting
Rock, Dude. He'd Fucking Rock.
New wave boy: You're like Lou Reed with a vagina.
New wave girl: Since when did he not have one?
Random stoner friend: Hey, do you want to get Indian food!?
New wave girl: What would Lou Reed do?
--2nd Ave &14th
Overheard by: Mischa
This Would Not End Well
Girl #1 (looking at matzoh ball soup): Holy shit, this ball is huge!
Girl #2: Hahahah, that's what she said.
Girl #1: Do balls like get bigger when they're cooked?
--Hell's Kitchen
...Can I Have a Pretzel?
Old man: Do you want a pretzel?
Old woman: No, I don't want a pretzel! If I wanted a pretzel I'd ask for a pretzel!
--Times Square
Those Were Some Tense Times During the Last Season of Newlyweds
Girl #1: And I was like, "Hell, no! Do not have his baby! Do not have his baby! Please!"
Girl #2: Mmm hmm, for real.
--6 Train
It's Also Taughten Me Some Great New Words
Girl to boy: I just got this computer software that's supposed to, like, speeden my reading comprehension.
Boy to girl: Oh...right, right, I saw that shit on tv.
--147th & Amsterdam
To Understand Why Horton Would Hear a Who.
Crazy guy: How long it take you to read that book?
Book reader: A few days.
Crazy guy: I got some books back at my apartment. You try to read 'em, you have a glitch. You gotta open up the creative part of your mind to read these. You gotta have a serious mental illness.
--E Train
Oh Deer
Girl #1: A fawn is an animal? I was just guessing.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's a small deer, like Bambi.
Girl #1: Bambi was a fawn?! I thought he was a cantaloupe!
Girl #2: You mean an "antelope"!
--Union Square Food Emporium
Junkies All Ride Unicycles, You Know
Hipster girl staring at bike locked to sign: Why would anyone steal just the front wheel of a bike?
Hipster guy: To buy heroin.
--Grand & Driggs
Overheard by: Adam
And Removed Them for That Video
Teen girl holding up lacy thong to friend: Yo! Anita! Get dis one!
Friend: Nah. I already got those! Remember? I wore them for those pictures.
--Strawberry, Union Square
If This Were a Movie, They'd Go on to Form This Season's Unlikeliest Friendship
Hobo to teen girl with an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt: Fitch...Fitch... How can you wear a shirt like that? Multimillion dollars...when there's so many bigger problems? Stupid...stupid.
Girl: Um, excuse me?
Hobo: How much they pay you to wear that around?
Girl (with attitude): Four. Thousand. Dollars.
Hobo: I..
Girl (interrupting): An hour.
Hobo: Oh, okay, understandable.
--Central Park
Overheard by: heygirlhey
You've Mastered the Thin Line Between Dreds and Pigtails
Girl #1: Aw, you look like a cute bum.
Girl #2: Thanks!
--Leon M. Goldstein High School
Overheard by: Robert
Sounds Delish--Buh-Bye, Now
Thug: Hello ladies--give me some money, come on, show me what your workin' with!
Girls: Sorry.
Thug: If I had money I'd buy a box of frosted flakes, organic milk and you two on the side. Yeehaaa!
--Keyfoods, 5th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Elspeth Tremblay
Raising a Masochist Has Its Challenges
Yuppie mom to crying daughter: Sophie, put your jacket on or you're going to get sick and have to get shots!
Detached father: Yeah, ten shots...and they'll hurt.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Overheard by: Samskiii
Should We Call the Better Business Bureau?
Guy #1, sitting on bench looking at own hand: This isn't LSD, these are...pieces of cardboard, that guy just ripped me off.
Guy #2, sitting next to him: Lemme eat one, we'll see.
--Washignton Square
Overheard by: guthrie
Sweet Georgia Brown Loves Basketball
Three-year-old girl: They got balls!
Mom: Balls?
Three-year-old girl: Yeeeeah!
--Globetrotters Game, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: amira
There's a Word for That?
Female teacher: What's that word for men who draw the male anatomy?
Male student: Uh..."penis"?
--Stuyvesant High School
So This Is Kosher?
White guy: Hi, I'd like a pork bun please.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Chicken bun?
White guy: Uh, no, a pork bun please.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Chicken bun?
White guy: Um, no. (points at pork bun) I'd like a pork bun. Pork.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Oh. (pause) Chicken bun?
White guy: Yes. Chicken bun.
Chinese bun saleswoman: Two dollar.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Steve Major
Tonight on Lost
Young girl on father's shoulders (pointing to statue in Union Square): Is that George Washington?
Father (very matter-of-factly): Yes, it is. That's why this is called Washington Square Park.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Stephanie Box
Now Who Gets Stuck Being Velma?
Asian teen #1 (pointing to friend sitting nearby): Hey, Richard*, are you tall?
(friend shrugs) Okay, you can be shaggy! (pointing to kid sitting next to him) And you can be Scooby-Doo!
Asian teen #2 (from the other side of the car): Ooh! I wanna be Fred!
--7 Train
Overheard by: Bastian
Josh Decides to Register and Vote
Hobo to 20-something guy: Who you votin' for?
Guy: I don't vote.
Hobo: You better fuckin' not.
Guy to friends: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
--Little Italy
When I Finish Shitting on Your Friend's Chest, I'm Totally Asking You Out
(teenage girl goes to stand next to her friend in line for the bathroom)
Crazy hobo: Bitch, get to the back of the line! I gotta take a shit!
Teenage girl: Oh, I'm not in line, I'm just talking to my friend.
Crazy hobo: If you don't get outta line, I will take a shit on your chest. Do you want me to take a shit on your chest? Cause I will! (to teenage girl's friend) Oooh girl, you pretty. Why you hang out with cunts like these?
--Starbucks, 6th & Christopher
To Be Fair, Columbus Also Made Four Voyages
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentleman, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
Conductor: This is a reminder that soliciting is illegal on all New York City subway trains, even if it's for the homeless. This is his fourth trip. Don't do it.
Loud ghetto guy: Attention ladies and gentlemen, I'm collecting money for the homeless. Help the homeless? Help the homeless?
--Shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square
Overheard by: Alison R.
Bleeding String Warts Are Social Suicide in New York
Teen girl #1: Ewwwwww.
Teen girl #2: I know, and it wasn't even vomit!
--Union Square
The Surest Way to a Man's Heart: Through Your Large Intestine.
30-something woman #1: It's only a matter of time when you start dating a guy before he asks you the question.
30-something woman #2: What question?
30-something woman #1: C'mon, the thing that every guy asks for in bed.
30-something woman #2: Ooooooohhhh, anal sex.
30-something woman #1: That's the question!
--E Train to Queens
Overheard by: butt, of course
Headline by: Brian Costlow
Runners-Up:
· "Alex, I'll Take "Things That Will Never Happen" for $100" - The Trayster
· "Gotta Stop Meeting Boyfriends at the Pray Out The Gay Sessions." - KJM
· "I Always Keep My Strap-on in My Purse - Just in Case." - Sodajerk
· "I Just Hope He Doesn't Ask at a Baseball Game. Too Cliche." - pieski
· "Pooping the Question" - tech98
· "Reason #32 to Be a Lesbian" - Trey Jackson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
The Results of Ann's Word-Association Test Would Haunt Her Throughout Her Career
Nursing student #1: What about backpacks?
Nursing student #2: Mmm...Nazis.
--Wagner College
And You Think You've Got Problems?
Black lady #1: A rash, I got a rash! On my thing--my thing was little, they done made it big! And that shit is traveling, I don't know what the fuck I gonna do.
Black lady #2 (watching soap opera on tv): Expelled?
Black lady #1: What the fuck is that?
Black lady #2: He's expelled, that means he can't come to school no more.
--Waiting Room, North General Hospital
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Except Melted Baby Is a Bitch to Clean Up
Jen: My client is soooo annoying. She won't eat soft cheese cuz she claims it's bad for her baby.
Renee: Soft cheese is bad for her baby?
Jen: Well, yeah, but if she melts it then it's fine.
--39th & 2nd
Overheard by: Dorey
Wednesday One-Liners Belch Diesel Fumes
Excited bus driver: Next stop, 6th Avenue! Herald Square! Vicky's secret! Something for everyone! Get off!! Get off!
--M16 Bus
Overheard by: nora!
Bus driver: Everyone who is exceedingly good-looking move to the back of the bus!
(people giggle but still not much room in front)
Bus driver: Well, it's good to know you're a modest bunch, but you gotta move back or I'm not moving this bus.
--Bus, Central Park West
Overheard by: passenger
Bus driver over sound system: Dis bus is out of service! Dis bus is out of service! People in da back get up, close the fucken back window, and leave!
--Bx9 Bus
Bus driver over intercom: Good morning, this is a friendly reminder that the holiday shopping season now begins the day after Halloween. Make sure to allot six hours extra travel time as the city gets rather hectic at this time.
--M23 Bus
Bus driver over intercom: Come on, move back, people. There's coffee and jelly donuts in the back of the bus.
--Crosstown Bus, 57th St
Overheard by: Flexy
Bus driver (calmly): Move to the back of the bus. I heard there is mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. I got an e-mail up here that says there is mad room in the back. Can someone quantify how much is "mad" for me? Mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. Mad room!
--Crowded Q 55 Bus
Overheard by: Matt
Bus driver: This is the Q44 express going to Jamaica. We are traveling along Main Street, next stop is 41st Avenue. For those of you that don't speak English: blah, blah, blah, blah...
--Bus, Flushing
Wednesday One-Liners Embrace the Stereotype
Queer: I don't want someone to fuck me with their stoma!
--11th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Amanda
Gay guy: That girl is such a Rice Krispie.
--Outside Gristedes, Christopher St
Overheard by: McF
Queer on cell: And I said to him, "Take it like the bottom you are!"
--8th St & 23rd St
Gay guy: I just got pounded by the two hottest guys I've ever seen!
--58th & 9th
Gay man (getting his hair cut by another): So we went to Fire Island this weekend and we went to this party. I said, "Patrick, you better pee on Jon right now to mark your territory."
--57th & 7th
Gay man on cell: Oh, morals disappear after 8pm!
--Amsterdam & 83rd
A Big Package of Wednesday One-Liners
Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.
--Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?
--Park Slope
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag--you know, kind of like a penis pops out!
--Dunkin Donuts
Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!
--Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?
Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!
--Downtown N Train
Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."
--W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Alan
Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit
Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.
--Central Park South
Overheard by: marijke
Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy... But you better not poop on my chair.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!
--West Village
NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars...well, you can...but you'll just poop it out later.
--4th St & 2nd Ave
(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?
--Bedford & 5th
20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!
--Broadway & 12th
Overheard by: elijah
Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Polygraph
Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now.
--Rite Aid, The Bronx
Punk girl on phone: Hi mom...yeah... Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood... Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!
--St. Mark's Place
Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few.
--Q Train, Kings Highway
Overheard by: Robert
Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia.
--Martin Luther King High School
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while.
--Park Slope
Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still.
--Washington Square Park
Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours.
--1st & 72nd
Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least
Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun
Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.
--3rd Ave & 40th
Overheard by: Liz
Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.
--Wendy's, Union Square
Overheard by: I was starving and bought less
14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.
--18th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Will
Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!
--49th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: agree to agree
20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.
--Canal & Mott
Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly
Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.
--NoHo
Overheard by: me too
Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!
--Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens
Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!
--L Train
Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi... (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had...a shitty... experience in Bushwick.
--L Train
Overheard by: Rebecca
Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!
--23rd St & 8th St
Overheard by: alex
It's Not Delivery, It's Wednesday One-Liners
Chunky lady to skinny friend who ordered a Diet Coke: Bitch, I will slap the shit out of you with this pizza...I'll eat it, too. I don't even care.
--14th St b/w 3rd & 4th Ave
Wasted guy, placing order: A slice of pizza on the rocks.
--1st Ave & 20th St
Overweight Paris Hilton wannabe, loudly on cell: No, the food wasn't like, out of this world, like what I'm used to. No...not really. I'd say more like a touch of Greece--with maybe Turkish or Egyptian. I mean, it's almost impossible to find a good slice of pizza in the city nowadays.
--Crowded LIRR Train
Overheard by: CV
little girl to parents: I like mine with salt, pepper and bone.
--La Rocca's Pizzaria, Staten Island
Overheard by: Dawn D.
Female suit to friends: Oh no, I can't. I save my pizza binge-eating for when I'm drunk.
--Ave of the Americas
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Tourist: Oooh, there's a really good pizza place down here somewhere, Sbarro.
--Basement, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pop pop
Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!
--Park Slope
Wednesday's One-Liners Are Standing at Attention
Thug: Yo, man! What color are my nipples? What color are my nipples?!
--LaGuardia High School
Teen to friend: Calm yo black nipples! Calm yo black nipples!
--Union Square
Overheard by: hairy pink nipples
Girl to friends: The idea of some machine sucking on my nipples just terrifies me!
--Bathroom, NYU
Overheard by: Trying to pee in peace
Random girl: Yeah, I have like four nipples.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Nameless
Tall beautiful 30-year-old curvaceous brunette in stockings and pumps on cell: I was like: "you're preaching about non-violence and you're touching my nipple!"
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Janusz
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day
Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being... Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Train Wreck
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.
--R Train
Overheard by: Mezz
Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.
--B Train
Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off... (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!
--Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Amused passenger
Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Luke Skywalker
Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.
--G Train
Overheard by: El David
Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon... (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Hooked on Wednesday One-Liners Worked for Me!
Tween girl: No, it's "Yiddish"! "Yiddish," not "ribbit."
--Penn Station
Overheard by: ragnvaeig
20-something girl to older friend: No, no... "ghetto" is just slang--it's not a real word.
--PATH Train
Guy on cell: Yo. (pause) Yo, yo. (pause) Yo, yo. (pause) Yo, yo, yo.
--Pacific St & Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: jayloo
Guy to another, who has obviously caused him some emotional strife: I just don't understand why you had to did me so dirty.
--Hudson River Park
Teenage boy: But I ain't know where was them talkin' about it! (teenage friend nods sympathetically)
--Downtown 6 Train
Girl to guy: It must be your manstinct. (pause) Not ya manstink!
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Soundtrack of Your Life
Guy to friend: Dude, I'm working on a new house song right now. It's going to kick ass. It's called "Google It". It goes "Googleit, Googleit, Googleit..."
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Ian
Two guys: Ladies and gentlemen, we are not asking for any money, we just want to sing a little Linkin Park. (they proceed to jump around and sing Linkin Park)
--Uptown N Train
Overheard by: Hametuka
Hipster to friend: Flava Flav...yeah, he's like that skinny guy in Lord of the Rings...you know... "my precioussss..." Yeah... That's him...just a darker version.
--Subway, Brooklyn
Preteen: I won't beat my wife! I listen to Bob Marley!
--E 21st St b/w 1st & 2nd
Dude (matter-of-factly): Crazy northerners...don't quite understand that we're aware of how to speak English in the South. We just choose to say things cooler. That's why Southern rap sounds so much cooler.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: another misunderstood southerner
Middle aged tourist woman: Have you heard all of these Country Western songs about little girls recently? There's like four of them, and they're all really good too!
--Pinkberry, Bleecker b/w MacDougal & Sullivan
Overheard by: Jason
Think It's Left Over from the Mongol Invasion?
Hot hipster girl #1: Oh my god, that's a beautiful Buddhist temple!
Hot hipster girl #2: Umm no, that's a Chinese restaurant...
Hot hipster girl #1: Oh well, then it must be really authentic.
--Eldridge & Broome
During Rush Hour, It's Hard to Be Certain
Yunnie girl #1: I hate the subway. You know, I've been fucked on the subway. Twice, actually.
Yunnie girl #2: Huh?
Yunnie girl #1: What--you mean you've never had sex on the subway?
--6 Train
Then My Students Turned Me on to Crack.
Crackhead #1: At the time I was going to school to become a peer educator...
Crackhead #2: Uh-huh.
--103rd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Jonesy
Is It Wrong That This Seems Reasonable to Us?
(cabbie cuts bus off, both cab and bus are stopped at traffic light. Bus driver opens his window)
Bus driver: I'm gonna hit one of you! You know, it's my goal to hit one of you people before I retire, it really is--you almost just made it happen! You people gotta learn someday! (turns to passenger) We're allowed one accident per year. I'm saving all of mine for that.
--M15 Bus to South Ferry
But Leave a Message with My Secretary, and I'll Get Back to You
(man in bondage gear is being bent over by woman holding his leash. Another woman is whipping him)
Random man with camera: Hey, can you turn around?
Bondage woman (in mid whip): No, I can't turn around, I'm fucking busy!
--Halloween Parade
Overheard by: kevin fitzpatrick
The Food or the Singer?
Girl (pointing at Nano ad on side of phone booth): Look, it's those iPods I want to eat.
Guy: Eat them? They do kind of look like Skittles.
Girl: Yes, mmmmm! I want to eat them!
Guy: What would the gray one taste like?
Girl: Meatloaf.
--56th & 9th
Overheard by: Guy who wouldn't eat them
Now, Less Than Ever
Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume's too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we'd pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don't want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I've always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um...
Chick #1: Actually, it's a bit of a role reversal. We're waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He's right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that's him.
Salesguy: Boy, you're one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don't want to come in?
--Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
It's Nice You Can Share
Girl #1: My boyfriend totally has better taste in guys than I do.
Girl #2: Totally.
--Fordham University
Or Anyplace Else in New York, Except Possibly Staten Island
Loud black girl on train #1: Why ain't we goin' to the tattoo place on West 4th Street?
Loud black girl on train #2: Nah, we can't got there, Christine's homophobic. She can't go there.
--A Train
I Was Gonna Ask You About "Roof," But Now My Head Hurts
Guy #1: How do you pronouce t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e?
Guy #2: "Tearable."
Guy #1: "Terrable."
Guy #2: That's what I said. "Tearable."
Guy #1: No, "terr." Like "pteradactyl." "Terra firma."
--42nd Street Station
Tonight on Deadliest Catch
Mom: You've had crabs before?
40-something son: Yeah...but it wasn't from having sex with a dirty whore. It was from sleeping on a dirty bed.
--Bx 12 Bus
Overheard by: maritza
What If We Call Her "The Freedom Fille"?
Mom to little boy, walking past a toy store: Look, it's a Madeline Doll!
Boy: But I don't like Madeline, she's French! Ewwww!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: smart kid
Why Did He Want Our Wallets, Anyway?
Brunette: That Secret Service guy was really rude!
Redhead: I know, and he wasn't in uniform, how does he expect us to know!
Brunette: Yeah, I want to complain. He shouldn't be out here without his uniform.
--Bowling Green Subway Entrance
Like, 90% Of the Kansas Population Is Just Cardboard Cutouts
(two 30-something white guys coming back from the gym on Saturday night)
Guy #1: I mean, New York is real. Boston is real. Everywhere else in America, it isn't real.
Guy #2: Totally.
--W 82nd & Broadway
Do They Make Them in a Slingback?
Thug: What kinda shoes are those?
Chick in black feather skirt with 5-inch red and white heels: Miu Mius.
Thug: They're pretty.
--Bryant Park Tents
Overheard by: stephie
Wait-- Aren't You a Creative Writing Major?
Girl: And I had to buy my own scalpel, too.
Boy: Well, at least you'll have one now.
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: You never know when you'll need to skin a cat.
Girl: Or a person...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: why do i go to school here?
The Kitten Makes It Look So Fun in That "Hang in There, Baby" Poster
Douchebag #1: Yo, let's see who can hang longer from the bars.
Douchebag #2: Naw.
Douchebag #1: Why not? You scared I'm gonna beat you?
Douchebag #2: Alright, fine, but I wanna wait until some ladies get on.
(train arrives at Union Square and some ladies get on)
Douchebag #1: Alright, let's do this.
(they both attempt to hang from the hand rails and immediately give up and let go)
Douchebag #1: That shit's stupid anyways.
--L Train
Overheard by: Jenni
Didn't You Say That About Ross Perot?
Man #1 (referring to Sarah Palin): Yeah, she's beautiful. She'll eventually become a TV star... Fox'll give her a job.
Man #2: Exactly. I wouldn't want her to be president, but I'd want to see her naked.
--7 Train
Overheard by: emma
My Barbie Says Girls Don't Care About Such Things
Park Slope mom: What did you do in science class today?
Five-year-old girl: You do not want to know.
--F Train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Stanley Was Delighted to Meet a Kindred Spirit
(short school bus is backing up)
Little boy (mimicking sound): Beep, beep, beep!
(cop car starts siren ten feet away)
Grown man (10 feet away from): Woop woop!
--25th St & Park Ave
...Yadda Yadda Yadda, the Ebola Virus
Loud girl: Oh my god! So what did you say to him?
Dirty hippie-wanna-be: Well, then the man said he could hold his monkey for him...
--St. Mark's b/w 1st & A
A New York Cop is Born
Four-year old boy #1: Hey, try to catch me!
Four-year old boy #2: Shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
--Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Natalie
Headline by: poop
Runners-Up:
· "And Thus the Tupac/Biggie Battle Humbly Began" - RBNY
· "I Guess This Is What Bill Cosby Meant..." - cmtWHATUP
· "Richard Pryor Reincarnated" - Casual Observer
· "That Seseme Street/South Park Merger Was Bound to Have Consequences" - Cartman wins again
· "The Argument Against Grand Theft Auto As a Stocking Stuffer" - space coyote
· "The Rules Of Tag Have Changed Over Time." - Oh, this younger generation...
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
One Quote. So Many Questions
Dude: Also, it was kind of fun to walk down the street hitting myself in the neck with a hammer.
Chick: I think that was around the same time as the plastic cube.
Dude: No, I wasn't wearing the plastic box on my head at that point. It would have interfered with the neck hammering.
--Lenny's Bagels, 23rd St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
It Was More Like Three and a Half
NYU undergrad girl #1: No, I did not have sex with him five hours after you did!
NYU undergrad girl #2: Whatever...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Glad not still in college
How'd You Get Your Muzzle Off, Anyway?
Man: I'll give you the shirt off my back!
Woman: I don't want your shirt. I give you shirts! Why would I take it back?
(pause)
Man (singing): "We are the champions, we are the champions..."
--L Train
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Finding a Man with the Last Name "Foreman" Is the Tricky Part
Chick #1: Tell him what you're going to name your kids.
Chick #2: Dawn of the Dead, Alice in Wonderland, and Eli the Barrow Boy. What about you?
Chick #1: George...Foreman.
--Happy Days Diner
Robin Hood and Maid Marian Clicked from Day One
Guy: I mean, you don't really need a shotgun to kill deer. I think a bow and arrow is much cooler.
Girl: Totally.
--Otto's, 14th & B
Overheard by: HaleyBailey
Poor Winners Are Even Nastier Than Poor Losers
Girl: Oh shit! A dime!
(a stoner boy steps on the dime as the girl goes to pick it up)
Girl: Hey, could you please move? Hey, you're stepping on a dime! Hey!
(boy drags foot forwards with dime under it, ignoring her)
Girl, trying to lift the boy's foot: Get off! Get off the dime! Jesus! Hey! You're stepping on a dime! Get off!
(boy slides forward again and the dime slips out. He continues sliding his feet towards a stairway)
Girl (holding up dime triumphantly): Yes! A dime! (pointing at boy) You! I will kill your family!
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: I love this school
We Were Following You Until "Crucifix"
Six-year-old daughter, looking at jewelry with her father: Daddy, do you wear jewelry?
Father: No.
Daughter: Mommy wears jewelry.
Father: Well, I'm not mommy. Unless you see a crucifix behind my head.
--Macy's
But There's Just One Where I Get All My News From
Coworker #1: Wow, I can't believe the space shuttle exploded.
Coworker #2: That's what they get.
Coworker #1: What!?
Coworker #2: Who told them to go into space? That's what they get for flying in the face of god!
Coworker #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Coworker #2: They shouldn't be there. Why do you think every time the space shuttle comes back there are new diseases and shit!
Coworker #1: So you're saying there is life in space!?
Coworker #3: It's true, it's true! They're coming out with new types of onions every day!
--Retail Store Stockroom, Manhattan
Date Much?
Barnard girl: Yeah, so I'm minoring in African dance...
Guy: Oh.
Barnard girl: And homemaking. You know, knitting an crocheting and stuff...
Guy: Ohh...
Barnard girl: But my major is man-hating. Hardcore man-hating.
Guy: (silence)
Barnard girl: Just kidding. Math. I'm majoring in math.
--Starbucks, 113th & Broadway
...To Use One of Emily Dickinson's Lesser-Known Similes
English professor: So who here is eligible to vote but isn't?
(student raises hand)
English professor: Why aren't you voting?
Ditzy Asian girl: I dunno... I just don't know who to vote for.
English professor: But...they're so different. They're like chocolate ice cream and...gravel.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Shakti
Don't Barf on a Man's Bostonians and Expect Him to Bone You
Brunette: I hope there are some hot single guys at the wedding.
Blonde: Well, John's going alone so you're pretty much guaranteed a hook-up unless you throw up on his shoes.
--W 23rd St
Whatever, Ms. "I Killed a Cactus"
Thugette #1: Yo, it was mad cold yesterday, son!
Thugette #2: Yeah! The wind chill factor was like 80 degrees, man!
Thugette #1: Yo, it's like global warming, son! Think of what our kids'll be goin' through!
Thugette #2: Yo, if my kid dies, my kid dies.
Thugette #1: You're going to be a terrible mother.
--Stuyvesant High School
My Parents Had to Roll Me to Preschool
Heavy ghetto girl after being weighed: 195!
Friend: Daaaaaamn. I'm 150.
Heavy ghetto girl: I've been 195 since I was five.
Friend: Damn, girl.
--CCNY Wellness Center
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Tragically, This Douche Is Funnier Than the Show
Comedy club barker: Hey! You guys want to see a comedy show? Yeah, you do!
Guy: I'm sorry, man, I don't speak a word of English. Thanks, though.
Comedy club barker: Haha, I like that! Come see some comedy?
Guy, walking away: All I'm hearing is pops and clicks. Sorry.
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Which Explains Why H&M Clothing Never Fits Properly
European guy: I just saw Sven, that weird Swedish guy, an hour ago. Thought he already left?
American guy: I've come to the conclusion that maybe Scandinavians aren't human after all --just robots from the future.
--N Train
Bridge-o, Tunnel-o
Jersey man: Look, Houston Street!
Daughter: Daddy, it's "house-ton."
Jersey man: Tomato, toe-mah-to.
Daughter: You're so bridge and tunnel it's disgusting.
--Houston St
I'm About Twelve and a Half Hours Gay
Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don't know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) "Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together."
(later on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends...how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.
--Sophie's, 5th & Ave A
Overheard by: amazed
They Never Spoke Of This Night Again
Man with beer #1: I love you, beer. You satisfy me in ways my wife never could.
Man with beer #2 to other man: You satisfy me in ways my wife never could...
--NJT to Penn Station
Overheard by: Geologist
Is That Oreo on Your Chin?
30-something lady: I officially started Weight Watchers today.
30-something guy: So does that mean you can't drink this weekend?
30-something lady: I can drink. I just can't eat all day.
--Port Authority
No Change? Airports Are Making Great Strides in Lip-Gloss Confiscation!
White 20-something #1: Have you heard about the September 11th controversy?
White 20-something #2: No...what?
White 20-something #1: Well, Kanye and 50 Cent are both releasing their new albums on that date and if Kanye outsells 50 then 50 says that he is going to retire from rapping.
White 20-something #2: Wow! That's controversial.
White 20-something #1: Is it crazy that that's the new September 11th controversy? Things have really changed since then...
White 20-something #2 (pensive): Or *have* they?
Black guy to friend: Yo, man! Are you listening to this shit?
--L Train
I Think "Nebbish" May Be the Word You're Looking for
Girl to friend, discussing a boy: So how nerdy is he? I mean, there's a nice nerdy, a cute nerdy...
Friend: You know that Jewish nerdy?
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Kindly Old People Really Give Us Hope
Grandpa: Do we really have to take them to the fucking zoo?
Grandma (holding a pamphlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stupid shit that they're into, so this is where we gotta go.
Grandpa (pointing to a picture in the pamphlet): What the fuck is that? A chipmunk?
Grandma: It's a fucking rabbit!
--St. Mark's Place, Staten Island
Homeland Security Guidelines Get More Bizarre by the Year
Dude, to other dude with a small backpack: Is that the new backpack nano? What do you have in there, an apple and a bottle of water? You carrying acorns around in there? One package of skittles? An abridged copy of...The Old Man and the Sea?
Backpack dude: Do I really have to explain my backpack to you?
--L Train
Overheard by: ultra-condensed movies
Identical Twins Have the Strangest Relationships
Black guy (spotting a friend): Hey man, what's up? You know you one ugly motherfucka? (laughs)
Black guy #2: Dude, youse the ugly nigga. You've been one ugly motherfucka for ten years.
Black guy #1: You've been an ugly motherfucka since you was born.
(time passes, they talk in their separate groups of friends. Black guy #1 gets off train)
Black guy #2's friend: Yo, your ugly nigga just left.
Black guy #2: He is one ugly mothafucka isn't he? (laughs).
--1 Train
But Why Would Bush Need More Money?
Girl #1: It's like, I'd rather he got hit by a drunk driver than shot by an idiot!
Girl #2: That's true...
Girl #3 (coming out of stall): Plus, you get more money that way...
--Restroom, The Blarney Stone Bar
Overheard by: Chrissy
Don't Make Me Go All Forte on Your Ass
Snobby woman to teenage girls talking: Decrescendo, girls. Do you know what that means? It's an operatic term for "lower your voices."
Teenage girl: Actually, "decrescendo" is a musical term for "get softer," and when you say get lower, you're actually referring to pitch, not volume.
--Metropolitan Opera Lobby
Overheard by: Maria
At the Greenwich Village Explorer's Club
Girl #1: I didn't think that Newark was actually a place. I thought it was just an airport and a factory. But apparently it has, like, government-funded housing or something.
Girl #2: So, like, poor people?
Girl #1: Yeah!
--Greenwich Village