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December 2008 Archives
How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?
50-something Long Island woman, showing pictures of her dog while talking non-stop about it: And this is Cici wearing a hat, she usually wears a hat when she goes out. And this is Cici, very drunk...
--LIRR
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Guy on cell walking a tiny poodle: Dude! The dog did it again. (pause) No, I swear, dude. The. Dog. Did. It. Again. (pause) Dude! This dog talks. Talks.
--Broadway & 43rd St, Astoria
(little girl finishes petting a stranger's dog)
Girl's mother: Now say "thank you" to its human.
--Central Park Lawn
Hyper tween schoolgirl: Hey mom, remember when we brought the dog to the mall and he peed in a coconut?
--La Pallette, 12th St
Guy to friend: I love her more than anything, but something about the way her puppy's paws smell really seal it.
--Rosa's Pizza, Penn Station
Overheard by: Craig
Medsday One-Liners
Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!
--Radiology Medical Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Paper
Doctor on cell: I have to get oriented as to the location of those cadavers!
--3rd Ave, Near Cabrini Medical Center
Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn't get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.
--Kings County Emergency Room
Suit to lady friend: If you really wanted to smoke crack you'd go to the hospital!
--Nassau St & Ann St
Overweight girl to female friend: Wanna play gynecologist?
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Wednesday One-Liners Say "Toro, Toro, Taxi!"
Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don't want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!
--17th & Irving
(pedestrians are crossing when they aren't supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: momes
Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car!
--Jerry Orbach St
Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I'ma getting hit by a car, I'ma getting hit by a nice car.
--Broadway & Houston
Tourist driving car: I don't give a fuck if you own the world! I'm running your ass over!
--Financial District
Overheard by: lex
Wednesday One-Liners Know When to Stop
Bus driver: We should be arriving in Port Authority soon, hopefully at our schedule arrival time, but it all depends on the Lord of the tunnel.
--Port Authority Bus
Overheard by: Emily
M60 bus driver, under breath, to traffic ahead: Mush. Mush. Yeah, mule. Mush. Git along.
--106th & West End
Bus driver on PA: Madam, don't let your children swing on the hand bars...this is not a jail.
--M15 Bus
Overheard by: bonoboxoxo
Funny bus driver in soft-spoken jazz voice: This is Madison Avenue. If this is you, get out. I wish I was getting out. Does anyone know how to get out? Next is Park Avenue...or it's not. Is anyone listening? Thanks for the smile.
--M16 Crosstown Bus
Announcer on bus (waiting for someone to request a stop): Come on, my line's open. Someone dial my number. Come on, you know the number! (a passenger requests a stop) There we go! Thanks for calling! I knew you would!
--M16 Bus
Overheard by: alli
Wednesday One-Liners Double Their Pleasure, Double Their Fun
65-year-old lady, in bikini top and Daisy Duke shorts, with belly hanging over: Of course I am bisexual...can't you see the view?"
--49th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: NATE MATHIS
Girl to guy: You can't be bisexual and married, John. That's, like, illegal!
--50th b/w 8th & 9th
Australian chic at bar: It's weird though, he reminds me so much of my ex-girlfriend.
--Mexican Restaruant, Lower East Side
Loud girl on cell: No, I did him, it was so good. (pause) Yeah, I fucked her too, she loved it.
--Hillside & Edgerton
Drunk lesbian: Why can't you be a girl or at least have a really big dick?
--Bowery Ballroom
Stop Copying Me! "Stop Copying Me!" Shut Up! "Shut Up!"
Hipster guy #1: You can't be a kid forever.
Hipster guy #2: No, but you can think like one.
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, you can think like one.
--Chinatown Bus
But I Have Nice Heels on and I Forgot My Pistol, So...Let's Partaaay!
Girl #1: It's going to suck if everyone there has a boring sense of humor.
Girl #2: So get them hyped up on cocaine, then everything is funny!
Girl #1: I will! Wait...how do *you* know?
Girl #2: At this point I would knock you on the side of the neck, steal your wallet, and run away.
--Main Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michelle
Except When Your Mother Was Pregnant with You; That Shit Was Hilarious
20-something chick (smelling pot and laughing): Woo...better cross the street! Wouldn't want to get high on this second hand smoke!
Middle aged father: Yeah, you're right...first hand is always better!
--4th & Washington Square West
Overheard by: agrees with the dad
That Was *You*, Cammy
Hysterical girl #1: What stop is next?
Hysterical girl #2: Tuckahoe.
Hysterical girl #3: I tucked a hoe in my pants once.
--Metro North Railroad
Cinnabon, Cinnabon Farts, and Hairspray
Tourist #1: Are we in the airport?
Tourist #2: No.
Tourist #3: It's the train port.
Tourist #1: Is this a mall?
Tourist #2: No.
Tourist #1: It looks like a mall.
Tourist #2: It's not a mall.
Tourist #1: It smells like a mall.
--Penn Station, LIRR
Overheard by: Ceetar
This Way, When It Flushes, He Feels Like He Accomplished Something
Mother to small child in stall (loudly): No, it won't flush. (shouting) It won't flush! It's not like at home. It won't flush unless you touch it. (shouting) It won't flush! Stop! It's not going to flush unless you touch it. (shouting) It won't flush! Don't make me make you go in your pants! It won't flush! They're not the same.
--Women's Bathroom, JFK
Oh, Absolutely. You Should Go Right Now.
Out-of-towner: So, like, are the other boroughs nice?
--11th St
Overheard by: Jaya
Shirley Temple Was Always a Precocious Tyke
Woman: But where does your money come from? Who gives it to you?
Little girl: The world.
--34th St Subway Station
Son, No Wedding Is Ever About the Boy
Mother: Look! A wedding! They are taking pictures for it.
Son: A girl is marrying a girl?
Mother: No.
Son: Where's the boy?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Dan
Let Me Guess... Was It a Tossed Salad?
Lady #1: Girl, it was the best salad I ever *had*! Baby, it was better than sex! All I gotta do is eat this salad and masturbate and I'm good to go!
Lady #2: I thought it was okay, but it wasn't better than sex.
Lady #1: That's 'cause you smoke too much and you burnt off all your taste buds. You taste things based on memory.
--W 26th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
Here's the Real Truth, Cassie: We Wanted a Boy
Irate little girl (pointing at Nathan's): Daddy, you lied to me! That's not a hot dog stand, that's a hot dog building!
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: Lauren
This Just In: 4 Out Of 5 Dentists Recommend New Yorkers! (Click Here For More)
(Woman #1 is trying to exit Starbucks while pushing a stroller. Woman #2 comes to her rescue and keeps the door open)
Woman #1: You aren't from New York, are you?
Woman #2: No.
Woman #1: Because you're too sweet.
--Starbucks, 114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Dan
Like Satan Claus, For Example
Woman to toddler: The devil is evil. That's why his name is spelled "d-evil".
--Greyhound Bus
Wait, Is BullshitRomanceFuckingLatinDerivativeMishMashSomethingOrOther Not an Official Language?
World Music connoisseur #1: I think he's singing in Brazilian now.
World Music connoisseur #2: No, no...this song's in Argentinian.
--Manu Chao Concert, Prospect Park
Ever Since That Bad Robo-Trip, They've Been Extra-Cautious with the Pharmaceuticals
Teen girl #1 (reading about Advil): "Take two for muscle aches." Hm, is the stomach a muscle?
Teen girl #2: It's not a muscle, I think it's an organ.
Teen girl #1: It's not organ, it is so a muscle. I'm going to take two.
Teen guy: Yo, just go to Duane Reade and get some Pepto-Bismol before you hurt yourself.
--Bay Terrace Shopping Center
Overheard by: mets fan
What If They Just Stay Home?
Tween #1: Yo, you should go out with her!
Tween #2: She gon' shit in yo mouf!
--67th Ave & 164th St, Queens
Overheard by: someone who's not into that kind of thing
Then What's the Title?
Blonde girl: What's the first line of "O Canada"?
Asian girl: "O Canada."
--Broadway & Wellington
Who Is Prima Ballerinia in the Chunkiest 'Swan Lake' in History
Old Russian man (loudly): I like big tutus!
Bank teller: Yes, okay.
Old Russian man: Like my wife!
--Apple Bank, 86th St
Overheard by: hatia
Gotta Creep Before You Crawl, I Said
20-something woman to 20-something man: You were thrown out because you were always creeping around all those women on the fourth floor.
--42nd St & 8th Ave
That's What He Calls Guitar Hero
Guy: So yeah, now she says she's dating Steve.
Chick: Steve the crackhead or pyromaniac Steve?
Guy: The one who isn't in prison.
Chick: I thought you were dating him.
Guy: He found religion. Or something.
--West Village
In Case You'd Like to Visit Brazil Parcel Post
Drunk Asian girl to bouncer stamping her hand: What is this? What does this do?
Big black bouncer: It's a stamp.
--Central Bar, Near Astor Place
Overheard by: waiting to get in
Because Robert Frost Just Isn't Ghetto Enough
Guy: Just know I chose my own fate: I drove by the fork in the road and went straight. Isn't it deep? I'm getting it tattooed on my shoulder.
Girl: Who are you quoting?
Guy: Jay-Z.
--34th St, Penn Station
Overheard by: No Lie
Headline by: Lauren
Runners-Up:
· ""99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One" Was Taken" - Cass
· "Just How Big Is Your Shoulder?" - porter
· "Maybe You Should Tattoo That Between Your Legs..." - LPS
· "Monkeys With Typewriters Couldn't Ever End Up With Gold Like That" - Caitorade
· "The Confucious Of Our Generation" - Fresca
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
God Help Those Elderly Laser Fucks
Black woman #1: She thinks we're too old for laser tag!
Black woman #2: Uh-huh.
Black woman #1: I mean, as long as we aren't, like, thirty or something, we're okay.
--Dunkin Donuts, 125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
How to Tell If Someone Studies a Lot
College Student #1: Dude, how excited are you for Snakes on a Plane?
College Student #2: Snakes on a Plane? What's that about?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Vadim
The Genesis of Kaylee's Stool-Holding Neurosis
Mom, showing baby box of Dora the Explorer-themed diapers: Look, baby, you're gonna have Dora!
Baby (touching box): Dora!
Dad: You and Dora gonna have beef after you crap all over her.
--Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Matt Johnson
And Be Eaten by Hippies from Minnesota
Fire truck loudspeaker to tourists blocking entrance: Please clear the area unless you want to end up as roadkill.
--WTC Site, Liberty Street
They'll Kiss, but They Both Have No-Nudity Clauses
16-year old girl to 40-year-old creep: So my name is Jenny, that's Angie. My number is like, (516) 555-5555, and you can call me and us, like, anytime! We'll totally get together!
(pause)
40-year-old creep: What's your name again?
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Shira
Yeah, Good Point Mom, I'll Just Make One out of My Discman and Some Liquid Instead
Mom: The police are going to be everywhere today. They have to watch out for terrorists who might have bombs in their bags.
Little Boy: What if I accidentally have a bomb up my butt?
Mom: They'll have to squeeze it out of you. Being a policeman is a dangerous job.
Little Boy: But what if I fart, and it explodes?!
Mom: Being a policeman is a dangerous job.
--F Train
Overheard by: Stephanie E.
Aww, Egregious!
Eleven-year-old #1 (gasping): You have a PSP? That's so *royal*!
Eleven-year-old #2: I know! Isn't it sexy?
--JetBlue Flight, JFK
Overheard by: emily
To Teach Them a Lesson, God Uninvented the Dildo
Girl #1: When people make stuff out of metal, they just melt it, right?
Girl #2: I think so.
Girl #1: Still, metal's way better than plastic.
Girl #2: Totally.
--Astoria Blvd
Overheard by: sara n.
The Demographic for Derek Jeter's Cologne Slowly Reveals Itself
Guy #1: I didn't know people in Brooklyn wear Yankees caps.
Guy #2: Since when do you care about baseball?
Guy #1: I like to watch baseball when it's on.
Guy #2: When is that? After Project Runway?
--Carroll Park
Ok, So She Sleeps Above the Covers. Four *Feet* Above the Covers!
Guy #1: The girl I'm thinking of, she's not exactly crazy, but...
Guy #2: What, am I gonna wake up tied to the bed?
--15th & 5th
I Believe He Goes by "Mr. Magic Dragon" Now
Foreign girl: How is your puffy friend?
American guy: What?
Foreign girl: You know, the puffy! (hold out her hands to indicate fatness)
American guy: Oh, yeah, he's good.
--89th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tom
Isn't It, Like, a Means of Understanding Multidimensional Space as a Four-Dimensional Construct in Which We Move Forward in One Direction?
Dude #1: Do you think New York is multicultural?
Dude #2: Let me answer that with a question. (long pause) Do you know what the time is?
--Times Square
Lucky the Cashier Had Completed Customer Service Training and Knew the Answer
Boy, looking at fish skull in glass case: Where is this fish native to?
Cashier: The ocean.
--Maxilla & Mandible
Overheard by: Aidan Shepard
Why Ninjas Don't Eat Beans. / Make Their Uniforms of Corduroy
Teen boy: Those were not stealthy ninjas!
--Flushing Meadows Park
An After School Special That Didn't Make It To Air
Girl #1: Look at that guy in the gray suit.
Girl #2: My sister knows him.
Girl #1: He's cute, what does he do?
Girl #2: I think he is a social worker.
Girl #1: Ah--full heart, empty wallet. (chuckles)
Girl #2: Oh man, that's cold.
Girl #1 (looking at girl #2 with surprise): What? if a certain lifestyle is important to you...we shouldn't pretend it isn't. I'm not kidding myself anymore.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Darren
It's Only Travel If You're Going Somewhere Humans Live
Girl #1: Okay, but I don't want to be out too late tonight because I have to travel tomorrow.
Girl #2: You do *not* have to *travel* tomorrow...you have to get on a bus to Atlantic City tomorrow.
--E 19th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Silent J
I Hope That Isn't Code for Something Else
Middle aged man: Let me get a dollar.
Friend: You still owe me a Snickers bar from Riker's Island, motherfucker.
--Grand Central
So You're Saying He Jokes Around a Lot But Just Isn't Funny
JAP #1: So my father won't let me work for him, I don't understand why. But he is eventually handing over the company to my cousin, the clown.
JAP #2: What do you mean, like he jokes around a lot?
JAP #1: No, he is a real clown.
--88th St & 1st St
Overheard by: well it's still probably better than you.....
He's Figuring She'll Die in the Night
Homeless Woman: Psst. Psst. You da managa?
McDonald's Employee: Yes.
Homeless Woman: I could get a application?
McDonald's Employee: Come back tomorrow.
--McDonald's
Overheard by: Jamie
This Guy Might Actually Be a Genius
Guy in car: Hey, that's a nice bike, what kind is it?
Biker stud: It's a Harley.
Guy in car: Is that a good one?
--Hudson & Horatio
Overheard by: risdchic
The Basics of Negotiation Also Baffled Him During His Time with the Teachers' Union
Hobo: You got any spare change? (man keeps walking) How about 10 dollars?
--10th St & Broadway
Actually It's Battery. What's Your Point?
Guy #1: You should punch her in the face.
Guy #2: I can't, that's assault.
--The Strand
Overheard by: Firefly
Tonight's Movie: Shootin' It Old School
Woman, shouting as she is being told to leave building: You ol' crackhead bitch anyway!
Police officer: You're that last person to be callin' someone a crackhead.
Woman: I ain't a crackhead. I'm a dope fiend! Dope fiend, dope fiend, dope fiend (repeats until she leaves)
--Madison Square Food Court, 31st & 7th
Overheard by: Jeff Johnson
Where Instead of Plastic Horses You Get to Ride Actual Dudes
Girl #1: Yeah, that carousel one is for kids.
Girl #2: Oh, I know that. But they like have one for dudes too, right?
--Bryant Park
Mostly Because They Won't Be Watching It
Drunk muscular hipster, after walking into a glass door (shouting): Yeah, you can laugh at me now, but you won't be laughing when I take my story to Fox News, jerk-wads!
--L Train
Overheard by: Tom in Bushwick
Which Is Why So Many Have Cropped Hair
Man: Lesbians aren't born. They're grown.
--Luxia, . 48th St
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Ugly People Are Dead To Me
Man to girl leaning over to pick up her bag: Hey baby, watch what you're doing! You got your ass all up in my face.
Girl: I didn't see you.
Man: Don't tell me you didn't see me. I'm 215 pounds. How could you *not* see me?
--Uptown A Train
Overheard by: Cat
I Heard If You Drink Like Ten Slim-Fasts You Disappear
20-something JAP #1: I've been walking a lot lately. Can you, like, lose calories from walking?
20-something JAP #2 (drinking bottle of Fiji water): Um, I dunno. That's a good question. But, like, water is negative calories.
--63rd & 1st
Overheard by: RRJr.
She Really Should Be More Supportive
20-something: Whenever my boyfriend says "dude bro" I think he is saying "dude bra," which is troublesome.
20-something's friend, who was focused on ice cream: Wait, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening... Did you say Tim wears a dude bra?
--49th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ashley
Pimps of The World: That's What *We've* Been Trying To SAY
Ghetto Thug: Pssss! Nigga woman, you got a mad fine piece of ass. Let me get in that, yo. Check it!
Scared Woman: You wish! Get away from me before I go get that cop over there.
Ghetto Thug: Bitch, I's just payin' you a compliment. Shit!
--Jamaica Station, Sutphin Blvd
And I've Already Collected That
Hipster guy: Suck my balls.
Preppy girl: But...you have scabies.
--Grand Central
...You'll Be Proud to Throw Them Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Soldier
Little girl to mother: Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
Mother (under breath): You're laughing now, but one day...
--86th & York
Overheard by: Micaela
You Mean My Stabbing Clothes?
Annoyed chick: Okay, we get it, Cara! You're awesome and I suck. Now can you please shut up!
Cara: Not before we talk about what you're wearing.
--14th & University Place
Here It Comes Now
Kid #1: There are three species of ponies.
Kid #2: One with a horn, one without, and mer-ponies who play water polo all day.
Kid #1: And there's also a dragon.
--Rivington & Clinton
Overheard by: Kevin
To Make Quotas, Mark Sold Himself Aggressively
Man in line for next available salesperson at Old Navy: Who wants a piece of this?
Next available salesperson: Next in line?
Man: That's what I'm talking about!
--Old Navy, 6th Ave
That's What Happens When You Use The Vacuum Cleaner As a Sex Toy
Girl: Yes, a boob hickey is called a "bicky". Wait. Did you say her name was Vicky?
Boy: Shut up.
Girl: Your new girlfriend is named after the hickey her dad put on her mom's vagina!
--Prince St
Overheard by: sam
They've Skipped
Conductor #1 on loudspeaker: Let's call the dispatcher and see if we can skip some stops.
Conductor #2 on loudspeaker: I did. They're not picking up.
--Downtown F Train
Overheard by: Maggie
Diary of a Bulimic, the Early Years
Boy: Daddy, can I have Skittles?
Dad: No.
Boy: Why not?
Dad: Cause your tummy hurts, remember?
Boy: But it doesn't hurt now, so can I have it?
Dad: No.
Boy: Daddy, can I have some chips?
--Union Square
Overheard by: white ace rules
Unless It's Stir Fry.
Stranger #1: Now we're movin'! Now we be cookin' with grease!
Stranger #2: What kind? Saturated or unsaturated?
Stranger #1: The kind where you just drop somebody in and fry their ass.
Stranger #2: Oh, I'm not into cannibalism.
--Line, Credit Union, 9th & 31st
Overheard by: bored in a bank
And Then My Guidance Counselor Tells Me I "Lack Planning Skills"?
Ghetto guy: And we had gotten a big group of girlies together to devour, we insatiable.
Ghetto girlfriend: Oh yeah, yeah, I gotcha.
--73rd & 3rd
But You'll Be Gone Too, Right?
Three-year-old girl: Do you get lots of clothes when you die?
Jamaican nanny: No, not at all. Your daddy will be gone, and your mommy will be gone, and your sister will be gone, and your grandma will be gone. You will be all alone.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Louis
...I'll Talk!
Woman: Two words: bikini wax.
Man: No...no!
--80th & York
James Bond Is a Great Spy But a Lousy Roommate
Male hotel guest: That looks like it hurts. Do you need any ice?
Female hotel guest: No, thanks.
Male hotel guest: I better not come home and find him fucking that Russian girl in my room. I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. (whisper) I'm gonna kill him...
--Elevator, Hudson
Stan and Ollie Take the Comedy Train
Older black man (squinting at the map through bifocals): Boy, this train doesn't even *go* to Franklin Street.
Younger black man: Give me my glasses, sit down, and shut the hell up! If you were in charge, we'd be on a 5 train and lost!
--2 Train
Overheard by: 2littlewings
And Yet Every Coke Slut at Columbia Is Nodding Her Head
White stoner chick: Yo, I love Beauty and the Beach. It's got such a like message.
Asian stoner chick: Like, what kind of message?
White stoner chick: About social justice. That's such a stoner thing to say right?
Asian stoner chick: That's such a Vassar stoner thing to say.
--79th & Columbus
So, Ummm, How Much Do You Charge?
Ghetto girl: Fuck you! Get over it.
Old Lady: Fuck you, you ho. Dressed just like a ho, too. I should know. I used to be one. Thirty five years, I was a prostitute. Tell me to get over it. Fuck you.
--95th & Amsterdam
You Know, Where People from San Francisco Go to Buy Drugs
Girl #1: Do you want to see Dave Chapelle?
Girl #2: Oh, I love him, I love him, he's so awesome, god, if I met him, I would just, I don't know, I...
Girl #1: Have you heard that show of his?
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: Oh, I don't know--he talks about Oakland.
--43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Manager: Hmmm. Sales of lace thongs, push-up bras and thigh-high stockings have quintupled recently
Interviewer #1: So, do you deal with a lot of customers on a daily basis?
Young Man: Yes.
Interviewer #2: Tell us about a situation where a customer became irate and how you handled it.
Young Man: Well, I work at Victoria's Secret so I deal with women, mostly. Sometimes, when they need something, they don't want me to help them because I am a man. I just tell them, "You're buying this for your man, so shouldn't a man help you pick out your panties?"
--Commerce Bank, 42nd & 9th
Ironically, the Lights Are Really Advertisements for Anti-Hallucinogens
Tween #1: Look at them lights in the sky. They look like Batman lights.
Tween #2: No, man, that's angels coming from heaven.
Tween #1: No, that's aliens coming down to interrogate us.
--President St & Franklin Ave, Prospect Heights
Overheard by: JvC
Headline by: Michael
Runners-Up:
· "But Both Were Wrong, for It Was Divine George Bush Descending From His Presidency." - AlphaBeta
· "It Was a Street Lamp." - Paul K.
· "Lucas and Spielberg - the Tween Years" - TV
· "Or, As People Out in the Country Call Them, "Stars"" - BabakganoosH
· "Pop Culture - 3: Science - 0" - The Joker
· "Robert Pattinson Gets an Unexpeected Visit After They Take the Aliens to Their Leader" - Tuesday's Intern
· "The Anti-LSD Ads Write Themselves" - Adam B.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But That's Only Because I Feel It Makes My Face Look Thinner
Girl #1: If I had eyebrows they would be raised right now.
Girl #2: Mine sure are.
--23rd & Lexington
Or Your Congressman
Little kid: Mommy, what's peyote?
Mom, looking around nervously: Ummm...ask your father, sweetie.
--F Train
Except the Ones I Walked Uphill in the Snow to Procure
Old woman talking to friend: All these kids care about nowadays is sex and drugs and good times.
20-something girl walking by: Hooray!
Old woman, yelling: Good luck! Good luck to you...see where that gets you! I'm seventy one and I haven't done drugs!
--Bedford Ave & N 7th St
Wednesday One-Liners Fight for Their Right to Potty
Pissing guy on phone: What do you mean you're not going to have sex with me? (entire bathroom laughs hysterically) See! Even these motherfuckers agree with me!
--Bathroom, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Bobby
Dad to young son in bathroom stall: Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Did you aim in the bowl? Did you aim in the bowl? (son comes out of stall) You did! But you didn't flush. One out of two ain't bad.
--Bathroom, Union Square Movie Theater
(constipation grunts and electronic sounds are heard inside next stall)
Guy in next stall, on walkie-talkie: Hey, Tony, turn the walkie-talkie off when you take a shit!
--Men's Room, Hilton Hotel
Drunk white girl: Oh my god, this bathroom is so dark. How am I supposed to see my vagina?
--East Village
Tall black British guy using the urinal, to himself: Repeat aftah me...you are a rock star! Ah! Yeah!
--5th Avenue
Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs
Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.
--49th & 6th
Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.
--Church St & Barclay
Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson
Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.
--6th Ave & 17th St
Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.
--N Train
Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah...and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her...so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"
--Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
"Hello? Pot to Kettle Here. You're Wednesday One-Liners."
Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!
--Nomad Restaurant
Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.
--7 Train
Overheard by: IDigGraves94
Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!
--Herald Square
Overheard by: Annearchist
Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!
--46th & 5th
Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.
--47th St & 9th Ave
Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!
--Broadway & Cedar
Overheard by: mondoman
Wednesday Fa La La La Liners
Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.
--Cathedral Station Post Office
Overheard by: Emily B.
Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!
--Central Park South
Overheard by: Daisy Mae
Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!
--57th & Columbus
Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?
Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.
--Brendan's Bar
Overheard by: Danny
Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!
Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.
--Metro North
Overheard by: Christmas Spirit
Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners
Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."
--86th St & Lexington
Overheard by: TINA
Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!
--Duane Reade
Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?
--PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Torgo61
Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!
--Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: eternal student
Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.
--Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St
Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.
--Central Park
Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Kelly D
Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!
--Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St
Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!
--86th & Broadway
Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?
--14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: or snakes
C'mon a My Wednesday One-Liner!
Man on phone: Come down the road and I'm the first house that you do not see.
--Office Building, W 46th St
Overheard by: TheGreenCat
Black woman on cell: Don't fuck in ma house!
--Union Square Station
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, my mom says I can fuck a girl in her house, as long as she ain't a skanky-ass ho.
--105th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andy
Girl to friend: We can't hang out at my house. I don't know anyone there anymore.
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Guy cycling past very fast, to cycling companion: So he bought a whole house just to store pot?
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: peeper
City cop to two homeless guys: If your house is worth like $200,000, you can probably only get a equity loan for like $100,000. (homeless guys nod their heads in agreement)
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: E
Wednesday One-Liners Appeal the Restraining Order
Jamaican woman on cell: Guess what? I don't stalk people anymore!
--Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Kristen
Guy to another: I know where you live. I could totally stalk you.
--PATH Train
Overheard by: fish
Man on corner holding many whistles for sale, wearing multicolored, umbrella hat: Young man, get one for your skateboard. Great for bikers, joggers, walkers, fast talkers and park stalkers!
--59th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Emily
Woman on cell: Right, right...I want to show him that's not me: I'm *not* stalking him...I'm *not* obsessed with him.
--West 66 Street & Freedom Place
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
40-something woman to sister (waiting for Daniel Radcliffe to come out after first preview of Equus: Okay, let's go. It's okay. I saw him last week, and I know where he lives.
--Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: ouch, you just elbowed me in the face, bitch
Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes
Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!
--77th & Broadway
Overheard by: rachel
40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire... (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow
Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.
--Megabus NYC
Overheard by: Tina
MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!
--Restaurant, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Abbieprime
Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy
Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes...I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard...it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.
--Duane Reade
Overheard by: Doreen
40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?
--MJ Armstrong's Public House
Overheard by: JP
Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.
--Grand St, Brooklyn
Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.
--Hester & Grand
Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!
--Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners-- IQ: 180 Social Skills: -57
Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right...all of you.
--Manhattan College
Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!
--St. John's University, New York City
Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song...is it ever the same song?
--St. John's Law School
Overheard by: Cori
Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer.
--The Cooper Union
Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls.
--NYU
Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) ...off.
--City College of New York
Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase
Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.
--N Train
Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.
--1 Train
Overheard by: motivated
Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!
--R Train
Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us.
--Metro North Train
Overheard by: Angela
Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Steve
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a...body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move!
--C Train
Overheard by: Patient Passenger
Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local...last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...blastoff!
--Metro North
Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!
If You Can Get the Cops Here in Two Minutes, I'll Go Quietly
Greyhound bus driver woman: Man, you best get out of this Greyhound only parking.
Tour bus driver: We're only doing a drop-off! We'll be out of here in two minutes.
Greyhound bus driver woman: Boy! You better get your skank-ass bus out of here before I get the po-leece. I run this city!
--Chelsea Piers
Overheard by: Kait
Or a Volkswagen Bug!
(car honks repeatedly at pedestrians crossing against the light and speeds through)
Girl #1: Enough! Ugh! Was that a Prius?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Pfft. If you gonna boss me around, at least do it in a manly car. Like a Civic.
Girl #2: Oh! Or an Acura!
--Mercer & W 3rd St
It's Like a Happy Ending, but You Contract HIV
Older Asian gentleman: A Gigilo?
Younger Asian gentleman: Yeah, a gigilo is a male prostitute.
--53rd & 5th
These Days You Have to Leave the United States for Good Old-Fashioned New York Rudeness
Burly Hispanic guy in Army uniform: Hey, dude, you have a napkin stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
Burly black guy covered in menacing tattoos: Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.
--A Train
I Smell Sitcom!
Drunk high-class hooker: I wanna tell you a joke.
Drunk suit: Okay, what is it?
Drunk high-class hooker: What is the definition of "indefinitely"?
Drunk suit: I dunno, what?
Drunk high-class hooker: When your balls are against my ass, you're in... definitely!
--Del Frisco's Steak House
Overheard by: the itis
Only Apprentice Hoboes Believe Nagging Helps
Hobo: Excuse me, can you spare some change? I'm homeless.
Man: Sorry, I don't have any.
Hobo: But I'm homeless. Did you hear me? I'm homeless! Can you spare some change?
--W 4th & 9th St
Especially Right After She Takes It Out of His Ass
Girlfriend: Oh man, this soda tastes like my foot!
Boyfriend: How do you know what your foot tastes like? It could be delicious.
Girlfriend: Why do you always have to contradict me? I think it's a pretty accurate guess that my foot would not be too appetizing, Christ!
--Washington Square Park
But Enough About Barbie...
High school chick #1: I like her, she's pretty.
High school chick #2: Isn't she, like, stupid?
High school chick #1: Yeah, she's pretty stupid.
--Central Park, Outside Delacorte Theater
Some Couples Really Struggle to Find Commonalities
Woman #1: I don't like being spit on. Do you like being spit on?
Woman #2: No, I don't like being spit on.
--5th Ave, Brooklyn
I Hope You Sprayed Some Windex on It First
Ghetto Dominican guy: So I woke up and I was covered in blood, I broke my face on the soap dish.
Ghetto Dominican girl: Oh my god! Did you go get stitches?
Ghetto Dominican guy: No, nigga! I put duct tape on that shit, I cure myself!
--Queens
Except for Tuesdays, When I'm Half Navajo.
Mom: Why don't you want to go to that high school?
White daughter: Because there are too many black people.
Mom: I thought you were black...
White daughter: Yeah, I used to be black by association, but now I'm Puerto Rican.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: DL
Fair Enough
Skanky woman: If you've got so many phones, why do you never call me?
Skanky man, shouting: Because I'm a drug addict!
--Union Square
Overheard by: dionneloftus
Just Asking for a Tiny-Package Comeback
Dude: Looks like that chick forgot to put her tits on today. (the three stare and laugh)
--Outside Whole Foods, Union Square
The Skank with Universal Appeal
Guy #1: Shit! I wanna tea-bag that skank.
Guy #2: I know!
Guy #2's girlfriend: Me too, definitely.
--Duane Reade
Gotta Admit, He's Mad Crackerish
Really white guy (loudly): Who is that fucking nigger you're working for now?
Another white guy: Pleasant....so do you live around here now?
Really white guy: Yeah, this is my hood.
--Deli, Greenpoint Ave / Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Jesse
"And When You Give Them Your Car Keys, And Your ATM Card"
Buxom Blonde: One night stands can be really hot, it's great for a night of fun.
Male Date: You know what's even hotter? When you don't know their name and you never talk to them again.
Blonde: Yeah, and when you give them $200 at the end of the night.
Male: Yeah, that's really hot.
--Decibel Sake Bar
Overheard by: cara
Rarely has the argument for making Puerto Rico a state been so succinctly put.
Young Puerto Rican: I am so American! you're American if you born in Puerto Rico!
Young Puerto Rican friend: No, you ain't American, nigga!
--Smith & Bergen, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sara astrid
No One Else Has Problems Like We Do!
Young woman #1: Oh my god, I have to have this handbag. Isn't it gorgeous?
Young woman #2: Oh my god, yes it is! You have to buy it.
Young woman #1: Oh, I am so buying it. I only hope my Kate Spade doesn't get jealous.
--Coach Store, Madison Ave.
Gets Complicated When It's Her Turn to Bring the Snacks to Play-Group
Random guy: She still breastfeeds her kids.
Random girl: How old are they?! Like 4 or 5?
Random guy: 9 years old.
Random girl: What!? That's ridiculous.
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Teresa
This New Cum Rinse Is Hardly Worth It!
Leggy blond: Maybe it isn't spit.
Short brunette: Sniff my hair.
Leggy blond: What?
Short brunette: I said, "sniff my hair"!
Leggy blond: No!
(short brunette glares, leggy blonde sniffs her ponytail)
Short brunette: What does it smell like?
Leggy blond: Shampoo.
Short brunette: Dammit!
--The Kooks Concert, Terminal 5
Like, What's with the Stiletto Galoshes?
Girl #1: Wow, my rain poncho is longer than my skirt.
Girl #2: That's because you're a slut.
--Bard High School Early College
Not Even the Women's Studies Professor Is Safe From Gina and Ashley's Critique
Student #1: I don't know why that bitch has such a big ego, she's fucking ugly.
Student #2: Yeah, I know, but she thinks she's Paris Hilton or some shit.
Student #1: She's probably getting fucked by some loser.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: kapnasty
Headline by: Leema
Runners-Up:
· "...And Taping It to Launch Her "Career"" - LOLa
· "And I'm Taping It" - Victor
· "Hey, Don't Call My Dad a Loser!" - PeterG
· "How Guys Interpret the Twilight Books" - john
· "Just Another Day Behind the Scenes Of "The View"" - Yobojo
· "Throw in a Chihuahua and a Coke Habit..." - someday, I could be that loser
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Like to Listen to Nirvana
Woman #1: Were your parents Buddhists?
Woman #2: No, they just went through some rough times.
--Forest Park, Queens
I Think I'm Turning Mathematical, I Really Think So
Teen guy #1: I need a Japanese tutor. I found this guy for $35 for like an hour and a half; it's a really good deal 'cuz it's usually like $50 for an hour.
Teen guy #2: Math tutors are the best.
Teen guy #1: But I need a Japanese tutor.
Teen guy #2: Yeah, but math tutors are the best deal.
--E Train
Overheard by: legume
Except That I Am Not Having Enough of It
Drunk old man: Ain't nothing wrong with hot butt naked sex! Ain't nothing wrong with it, am I right?
Passing teen girl: Nothing!
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: In Agreement
And He Barely Has Any Open Sores on His Face
Surprised Teen, after a lengthy conversation between her friend and guy friend: He's gay?
Friend: Mmmhmm...
Surprised Teen: Can't be! He's soooo nice!
--Penn Station
Little Did She Know, How Close She Actually Came to Catching "Hobo"
Hobo: Yo baby, I'll give you this dollar if you give me that Coke.
Woman (holding a half-empty bottle of Diet Coke): Uh, no.
Hobo: Then at least go out to dinner with me!
Woman: No.
Hobo: Bitch, I'm a self-made millionaire! Fuck you!
Woman (walking away quickly): I knew I shouldn't have made eye contact.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Britta
And If It Turns Out It Was Your Daughter? She's Dead
MTA worker: Back in the day, cops let those gangs use all kinds of shit--chains, knives, pipes--but no guns. These days I'm afraid to let my son go out.
Young mom: Shit, you gotta be afraid for your daughter--some bitch tried to stab me two days ago!
--Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: conspicuous white guy
It's Funny Because They Aren't Gay
Jacked Guido #1: We goin tanning tonight?
Jacked Guido #2: I gotta get my eyebrows done first. (looks into a compact)
--Bowling Green
Overheard by: Victor J D.
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Seen a Cabbie Drive
Daughter: Okay. So we've got to take the n uptown. It should be arriving on this track soon.
Tourist mom: But that sign says the n goes to Queens. I don't wanna to to Queens.
Daughter: Yes, it goes to Queens but we're getting off way before then. It just ends in Queens, don't worry.
Tourist mom: Don't worry?! The sign says the n goes to Queens. And that it's an express! An express to Queens?! I don't think so. Let's just go take a cab...it'll be safer.
--Herald Square Subway Station
Overheard by: vmorgs
Gosh I Love Parent-Teacher Conferences
Man: Don't worry, when your up there shakin' your booty, ain't nobody gonna be lookin' at your stomach!
Woman: You're right.
--Borough Hall Courtyard
Overheard by: Nacona
But It Conflicts with Transgender Mime Canasta Night!
Skinny gay guy #1: Oh, I can't. It's drag queen puppet bingo night.
Skinny gay guy #2: It's the only one in town! We can't miss it!
--44th & 9th
Yeah, Accommodating Your Capricious Food Cravings Was Really Fun
Middle aged woman: And I smoked weed, like, ever day last summer.
Daughter: I'm shocked, mom.
Middle aged woman: Oh, so you thought I was fun naturally?
--Central Park
The Day Monique Got Run Over
Elegantly dressed French lady, speaking to New York Bus Service representative: Excuse me, when does the bus arrive?
Overweight representative, screaming: The port authoritah bus come 'erry ha'f hour!
Elegantly dressed French lady (pausing and turning to French friend): Wow. And I thought my English sucked.
--Terminal One, JFK
Overheard by: James
I Don't Know, I Still Can't Figured Out What Possessed Me to Cum in It
Girl #1: Did you get tested for AIDS?
Girl #2: Yes, but they haven't gotten back to me yet.
Girl #1: Dammit! Why did i drink from your water bottle?
--74th & Riverside
Overheard by: a fox
Did He Used To Tell You To Burn Things?
Man on date: I probably shouldn't tell you this, but since I was little I had an imaginary friend named Picoletto.
Woman he's dating: Holy shit! You know Pico!
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: JP
Finally, Someone She Understands
Asian Guy #1: You know what I wanna watch?
Ditzy Asian Teen: What?
Asian Guy #1: Talladega Nights.
Asian Guy #2: The story of a man who could only count to one!
Ditzy Asian Teen: Really? There's a story like that?
--68th & Lexington
Overheard by: dog run
From Complaining About the Discharge?
Patient: I think my boyfriend and I have contracted either gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Well, he's having kind of a pussy discharge from his penis and a burning sensation when he urinates.
Doctor: And what symptoms have you been having?
Patient: Well, I've had a sore throat...
--NYU Medical Center
Overheard by: The nurse who just had to hear this story...
Paul Reubens Is Really Down on His Luck
Kid on bicycle which is far too big for him to guy jogging by: Damn, mister, it's too hot to be running...wanna buy a bike?
--Carmine & 7th Ave
How You Know Your Little Boy is Straight
Employee: I like your pink shirt.
Coworker's 9-year-old nephew: It's not pink; it's white with pink and green stripes.
Employee: So you like to wear pink?
Coworker's 9-year-old nephew: My shirt *isn't* pink! (now shouting) It's white with pink and green stripes and it takes a real man to wear pink!
--Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Synitta Walker
You Know the Deal. You Finish Last.
Woman blocking sidewalk for filming: Please wait two minutes. Just two minutes.
Woman barging through crowd: I didn't know this was a congregation area! (curses at woman blocking crowd)
Polite girl: Since the asshole got through, can the nice people go through?
--Bleecker St
Anyone Else Wondering What These Girls Are Doing at a Library?
16-year-old tourist girl #1, looking at a map of Europe: You know that country that is shaped like a boot?
16-year-old tourist girl #2: Yeah...Italy, of couse.
16-year-old tourist girl #1: No, it's not...I know this one...it's...Florida!
16-year-old tourist girl #2: Oh my god! I cant believe you've said that. Florida is in the US!
16-year-old tourist girl #1: I know!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Thales H.
Then You Deserve a Cigar Too, My Good Sir
Neighbor #1: So your baby is finally here!
Neighbor #2: Yeah, she was born on Tuesday. 8 lbs, 20 inches...
Crazy guy walking by: Well, I'm 25 inches.
--Garment District
In That Case, We Need to Talk About Pants
Embarrassed teenage son: Mom, cross your legs.
Obese mother: They are crossed.
Embarrassed teenage son: No, they're not. Cross them more.
Obese mother: If I cross my legs any more I'll get a blood clot.
--G Train
Woody Allen's Genius Is Partly Remembering Conversations Like This
(dad playing with little kids on slide, son screams)
Mom: Just a minute, honey, daddy is too busy playing with other people's children.
Dad (coming over to son): And mommy is too busy being passive aggressive.
--Central Park Playground
Overheard by: Amused Babysitter
The Will-o'-the-Wisp Lured the Halvorsens Into the Swamp
Old man: Alright honey, let's go back to the hotel.
(starts walking in random direction)
Old woman: Honey, where are you going?
Old man: I don't know, the shiny lights all around us?
--Times Square
Did You Spring for a Frosty?
Teen girl on cell: Did you take her to Wendy's or a restaurant? (pause) Aww...you love her!
--Diner, 14th St
Overheard by: Bess
Hey, John the Baptist Enjoyed Blowing Lines as Much as the Next Guy
Guy in monk costume: I mean, it would be so easy to hide in this outfit.
Friend: Yeah, really.
Guy in monk costume: I'll just shoot it under the robe. I mean, after all, it is Halloween!
--26th & 5th
Pop Quiz: Which Olsen Sister Is Real?
Shaggy 20-something #1: I am your curse.
Shaggy 20-something #2: Curse?
Shaggy 20-something #1: I'm not real. This is you talking.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: Did I imagine someone's imaginary friend?
God, I Love Church Retreats
Guy #1: So how was your weekend? Did you go on the trip?
Guy #2: It was insane man, a real pagan festival.
Guy #1: Really?
Guy #2: Yeah, naked girls worshiping a giant tree. Totally crazy.
Guy #1: Did you make a love connection?
Guy #2: I actually made a few love connections, if you know what I mean...
--Men's Room, Hiro Ballroom
Overheard by: Yeah, we know what you mean...
You Need Better Time Management Skills
Big black guy on bike: Yeah...it'll be a smokey party.
Skinny black guy: Yo...this school shit is whack--I got an ounce to smoke through, but I've been so busy with school... I mean, yesterday I only smoked three blunts.
Big black guy on bike: Ooooh, son. Ouch.
--Broadway & Washington Place
Overheard by: Sydney m
In That They're Not New York
Teen girl: Isn't he from Canada?
Mom: No, he's from Nebraska.
Teen girl: Oh, same thing.
--Balthazar Restaurant
Overheard by: Lexcar
I Tripped and Fell Into Downward Dog!
Girl #1: How could you get drunk and do yoga?
Girl #2: I didn't do it on purpose!
--16tth & Broadway
And I Realized a Detachable One Would Be Even Cooler
Guy #1: And you know if you use it too much, like if you fuck everybody it just...it falls off.
Guy #2: Yeah, that almost happened to me once.
--Elevator, Apple Store
Gayer Than Marcus Brody's Relationship with Indy's Dad?
Small child #1: Look, they got toys out already and the movie isn't even out yet!
Small child #2: Yo, that's crazy gay!
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Tim
Perfect for "Arctic Hysteria: New Art from Finland"
Girl: If we don't get there soon, my uterus is going to fall out.
Boy: If it does, you could frame it and give it to PS1 at the MoMA.
--59th St & 3rd Ave
They'd Rule the World-- Oh, Wait
Teen boy #1: It's like a totally different part of the body.
Teen boy #2: Can you imagine if vaginas had brains?
--Bedford Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Judgmental Dog Walker
And It Didn't Help That Her Native-American Last Name Was 'Of the West'
Old Man: "Esmerelda"? That sounds like a witch's name.
Old Man #2: My ex-wife's name was Esmerelda...talk about a witch!
--Sweet Life Cafe, Christopher Street
Should We Stop for Some Cocktails and Wait It Out?
Mom: Shit, it's raining!
Four-year-old: Fuck!
--Times Square
Overheard by: leah
You Go, Roscoe!
Lady: Excuse me, do you know where the bathrooms are?
Father with toddler: Nope, sorry.
Lady: I thought people with kids always knew where the bathrooms were.
Father with toddler: Nah, I just let him pee in the grass.
--Central Park
Lime-Green Culottes and All
Yuppie wannabe guy #1: I'm not trendy, am I?
Yuppie wannabe guy #2: No, you're not trendy.
Yuppie wannabe girl: No, no. You're not trendy. You're you. You're you.
--MetroNorth Harlem Line
Overheard by: M.A.
And Then Martha's Vineyard
Frat boy: So, where are you going for the summer?
Preppy girl: Dead babies.
--C Train
Overheard by: Jacob
Come On--We New Yorkers Have Rules
Crazy 20-something woman, screaming into cell: But where have you been? (sobs) I've been waiting for you. Where are you? (screaming louder) It's been hours, where are you? Where are you? How could you do this to me? Where are you?
(everyone on sidewalk turns around as she passes)
Man: It is way too early for that.
Woman: Yeah, that's the kind of call you make at 3 am, when you're drunk.
--Taxi Line, Penn Station
Overheard by: Nancy
But a Guy Can Always Dream
Guy#1: I don't even know why I like this girl. She has no tits, she's fat, and she has a mustache.
Guy#2: Are you in love with Mr Belvedere?
Guy#3: Can't be. Mr Belvedere has tits.
--2nd Ave & 6th
Overheard by: John
Of Course You'll Have to Put Bill in a Dress First
Guy #1: So I just say "hi, this is my wife"?
Guy #2: Yeah, that is all you have to say.
--Central Park
Now I'll Never Know How This Abe Lincoln Biography Ends!
Driver: Attention all passengers on the left side of the bus, I believe that the reading lights on your side are broken. I apologize.
Lady on the left side: Oh god, now what do we do?
Driver (muttering): Son of a bitch...take a nap!
--Bus, Port Authority
Overheard by: Sitting on the right side laughing
What They Really Say Is "Rhubarb, Rhubrarb, Mrs. Benson"
Guy at bar doing crossword: "The sound of a crowd." Three letters, ending with "n."
Hot bartender: Ummmmm.
Guy: "Din"? Is it "din"?
Hot bartender: What? Like people get together and just start saying "din din din"? I don't think so!
--The Continental
Overheard by: choking on scotch
To Within a Couple Of Crocodiles
Professor, describing a picture of the Calendario Azteca: It's not actually a calendar, but a depiction of Aztec cosmology and creation.
Student: Is it accurate?
--Columbia University
NewsFlash: Catty Actor Shortage! NASDAQ Tumbles!
Male actor: They didn't hire him for his voice. They hired him to do the part was because he was the last actor in New York City who was willing to put on a cat costume and tour the country for two years.
Female actor: Uh-huh.
--Le Petite Un Deux Trois Restaurant
Overheard by: Truetuft
Not As Alive As His Twin, Cher.
Little boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson still alive?
Father: Um...sort of.
--42nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sabs
Duck I'd Like To Fry?
Hot gay ginger: Ooh! Look at how yummy these grapes look!
Cute half-Asian: Not as yummy as that dilf outside...
--Dean & Deluca
Overheard by: reid r.
Headline by: Myrtle Willoughby
Runners-Up:
· "And So Grape Nuts Were Born" - DRS
· "How to Toss a Half-Asian Salad" - jeffreydanna@gmail.com
· "It's Official: Gay Men Are the New Teenage Girls." - Steve
· "Some People Just Prefer Bananas" - Hot gay ginger
· "That's Why They Call It the Fruit Section." - Jesse
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Almost As Much As I Hate the "Your Call Cannot Be Completed" Whore
(hurried suit squeezes into packed compartment of automated revolving door)
Automated female voice: Please step forward.
Suit, squishing forward: Eat me!
Automated female voice: Thank you.
Suit: God, I hate that cheery bitch.
--Marriott Marquis Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: austin
Take It Slow-- Remember, I Work Here.
Mother: What's the name of the play?
Daughter: The Misanthrope.
Mother: How do you spell that?
Daughter: It's with an "e"
Mother: That doesn't help me.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: John Blaze
That's One Word for It
9th grade girl #1: Yo, this shit is mad boring. This school's a damn waste of ma time. Plus, it's grimy and nasty, all the girls have that thing that begins with a "c," what's it called?
9th grade girl #2: Cooties?
9th grade girl #1: Nah.
9th grade girl #2: Chlamydia?
9th grade girl #1: Yeah, that's it! That shit is annoying.
--M86 Bus
And Now Here's Al Roker With the Wednesday One-Liners!
Homeless guy, giving umbrella to random white girl: This is for you. In case it rains. This (holding up alcohol bottle) is for me. You know why? Because I'm an alcoholic.
--Penn Station
Man to friend, about the Bruce Springsteen concert that night: You know what? If it starts raining, I'm just going to take off my shirt and scream the whole time.
--Penn Station
Girl: We're on an island, it doesn't snow here.
--St. John's University, Staten Island
Overheard by: Ang
Vendor: Man, I know why we're having to pee so much! It's because it's colder and our bladders are shrinking.
--Flea Market, 82nd & Columbus
Overheard by: EthanK
Woman yelling to complete stranger: It's not raining anymore! It stopped raining! You're the only one with an umbrella!
--Port Authority
Wednesday One-Liners, Actually
Homeless guy hugging another: I love you, old school! You got a cigarette?
--14th St & 8th Ave
Drunk, fighting with another and punching phone booth: I will fuck you up, man! I love you, man!
--E 11th St & 9th Ave
Sloppy drunk dial outside gay club: I love you so fuckin much, mom...like...*more* than Anna Nicole!
--Valda, Gay Bar, NYC
Female NYU student: You don't love Joe Biden as much as I do. Dude, Joe Biden is awesome! He should be gay!
--Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Blair
Guy leaning against light post, to girlfriend: Listen, I love you...but you're so fucking mean.
--47th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: J&J
"Don't Hate Me Because I'm Wednesday One-Liner"
Female hipster, loudly: I hate those two! They're egomaniacs with low self esteem!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Sullen-looking girl: I guess it's just incumbent on me to be cheerful regardless of the fact that I hate everything.
--Warren St & W Broadway
Overheard by: Tha WB
Girl at Dali exhibition: I hate people. I hate museums. I really hate Spaniards.
--Dali and Film Exhibition, MoMA
Overheard by: Andi C.
Concerned girl to friends: Maybe if we stopped singing Simon & Garfunkel so loudly, people would hate us less.
--Grand Central
Teen girl: I just hate her so much! I'm not even going to Facebook friend her, I hate her so much!
--B Train
Overheard by: Jen
European woman wearing I Love NY shirt, holding Sex & the City box set: I hate Americans.
--Canal & Lafayette
Wednesday One-Liners Do It Via Text
Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the subway "The MTA," and I was like, "Yeah...this isn't working out."
--Penn Station
Overheard by: I would've dumped him too
Teenager on cell: If, hypothetically, what we had been doing was dating, then technically, hypothetically, he just broke up with me. Fucking douche.
--Finacial District
Cute girl: Don't you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the drawer. You can't bring old lube to a new relationship.
--Essex & Grand
Overheard by: yaletownkid
Guy to friend: So you're telling me that I broke up with her because of lube?
--Park Slope
Guy on cell: Look, I know I said "forever." It's not your fault! To be honest, I just never really liked you that much!
--West 4th St. Subway Entrance
Preppy boy: That was the worst part about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. She got a 50% discount at Polo!
--Bloomingdale's
So Are You a Wednesday or a One-Liner?
Gay guy to friend: The men in my family die young while the women live much longer. I don't know where that leaves me.
--W 4th St & Bank St
Daughter to mother: There are only boys and girls, right?
--M60 Bus
Math geek to another: I think society benefits more from cross-dressing than murder.
--Outside Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: shaun
Woman to man: You did know she had a penis, right?
--Broadway
Overheard by: Jessica
Guy, to another standing up: Sit down, sugar tits, this ain't our stop!
--G Train
Overheard by: Matthew & Aaron
Guy to another: Hey, how're the bumps on your cervix doing?
--Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: office peon
Wednesday One-Liners Are 99.9% Effective When Used Properly
Middle-aged lady to guy handing out Obama and McCain condoms: Now I've got something to play with tonight! All I need is a man.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: I Hate Times Square
30-something dad on cell pushing small child in stroller: You know, I'm all in favor of that Plan B medication.
--Park Slope, Prospect Park
Overheard by: Alex
Girl in elevator to friend: I don't even know why you need condoms, they break anyway. But I didn't get pregnant!
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kar
Guy at the sidewalk: Anybody wants McCain, Obama and Palin condoms? McCain, Obama and Palin condoms...get it here! Because either way, you're screwed!
--Times Square
Overheard by: non voter
Girl to bartender: Can I get some of those condoms? (bartender takes out two) I mean, like a bunch? I'm a big dirtbag.
--Boss Tweeds
Suit on cell: You just wrap it in duct tape and put a condom on it.
--7th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman
Eric Cartman: "Wednesday One-Liner My Authori-tay!"
Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.
--Penn Station
Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!
--Bus, Church Ave
Overheard by: Dena C.
Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.
--Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vivi
Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.
--Madison Sqaure Garden
Overheard by: adelynn
Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.
--46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Anna Rose
Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.
--Dust Bowl, Central Park
Overheard by: Jay Softe
Our Data Shows a Strong Positive Correlation Between Wednesday and One-Liners
Young woman on phone to friend: I have a fucking physics degree! I can read! He trusts me to run a motherfucking particle accelerator, I can read the mail!
--46th & 6th
Overheard by: Eggmen7
Hobo holding a crumpled napkin high in the air: Science! S-c-...-i-e-n-...-c-e! I did it! Science! Science! S-c-i...-e-n-c-e! I did it!
--Mulberry & Spring
Overheard by: Erica L.
Suit to friend: I'm an evolution science guy. If you want to believe in that nonsense then you gotta admit your god is an underachiever with a good publicist.
--45th b/w 6th & 7th
Woman to teen who has just spilled his coffee on sidewalk: Yeah, gravity is interesting like that.
--35th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Jeggy
Male student to female student: Looking out for yourself--the id, the ego--it's part of natural selection, human nature, you know? But there aren't that many people who choose to try to overcome that. Or if there are, I haven't met them. If there's a colony somewhere, I'd like to meet them. Maybe it's just like going to the wrong nightclub, you know?
--Hoffman St & E 187th St
Overheard by: Lucy
Dude on cell: How are you, on a subatomic level?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liner Are the Low Hanging Fruit on the Family Tree
Man on cell: Hey mom... It's your son! You jackass!
--Bleecker & Mercer
Hot girl to hot friend: Has my brother ever told you his glue stories? (friend shakes head) Well... (begins whispering)
--2 Train
Man shouting on cell: I didn't know she was your sister! Jesus!
--Amtrak Train
Four-year-old to another: I'll be the mother and you the daughter, so you the boss of me.
--Ave D
Woman to friend: Not only is he messing with my marriage, but now I gotta tell my kids they ain't brothers!
--Park Ave & 125th St
Woman to another: ...so I was fucking your brother.
--Theatre District
Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert
Suit on phone: The dream was strange...we are in a library ...I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it...I don't know.
--Gramercy Park
Overheard by: POLA
Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Amy
Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!
--Madison Ave & 40th St
Overheard by: Casey
Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.
--University St b/w 8th & Waverly
Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?
--46th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do
20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.
--27th St & Park Ave
Wednesday One-Liner Get Paid Under the Table
Guy drinking wine: Coming to work wasted is frowned upon, but also lovingly embraced.
--Tartine, West Village
Fake bag hawker to woman in suit with briefcase: Can I get a job, miss? Are you hiring, miss?
--Canal St
Suit: When I die, don't go to my funeral, just go to work.
--33rd St &3rd Ave
Crazy girl on cell: All I know is that I need a really fucking good job with no fucking drug test.
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Sam Fez
Weird guy to girl: I mean, I come home from work not feeling sexy at all. (subway car screeches) It's not exactly the most testosterone-filled job there is. (car screeches loudly again, then guy starts using hand motions) I have no idea how to get in the mood again!
--6 Train
Overheard by: fresca
Boss to peon: And grab Mary. (pause) Gently.
--Broadway
A No Man's Land Of Wednesday One-Liners
Girl: So yeah, that was the most interesting lesbian relationship I've ever had, but she left me for her old science teacher. At least you know where you stand with guys. (sighs)
--Macy's
Overheard by: Nathan
Suit nearing retirement, to his department: Did you ever think that Hilary Clinton just has to be a lesbian?
--Office, Midtown West
Man: I noticed I get checked out the most by women when I'm with a woman, so I started hanging around with lesbians and now we pick up women together.
--1 Train
Hobo, to no one in particular: I'm not a thespian, I'm a lesbian. From Hoboken.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Eric
Crazy hobo: Hillary invented the lesbian vote. There was no lesbian vote before Hillary, she created it! Thirty million lesbians all lined up to vote, and you know what you have to do to get the lesbian vote? You've gotta squeeze it. You have to squeeze the lesbian. How do you get orange juice? You squeeze it! You gotta squeeze the lesbian to get the vote!
--E Train
Overheard by: an unsqueezed lesbian
Angry woman on cell: No, I'm not doing the lesbian thing tonight. No. I'll be home soon.
--Outside Lesbian Bar, Hudson St
Overheard by: lady
It's Possble You Don't Need Any More Sugar
Mom describing Fun Dip to little girl: Okay, you got orange, purple, and cherry. You take the stick, dip it in the pouch and eat it.
Little girl, excitedly: Aw, shit!
--Riverdale
Overheard by: Mark
Some People Have a Knack for Getting Right to the Heart of a Matter
White woman: How are things with John?
Asian woman: I don't know. He's just not manly enough for me. He listens to Miss Saigon at the gym. Maybe he has an Asian fetish.
White woman: Sounds more like he has a dick fetish.
--E Train
Overheard by: Brad
Tell Me More, Tell Me More, Did She Shit Very Far?
Young JAP: So I heard they were doing anal at this party and he hit this nerve in her ass, and she started shitting all over her mom's bed.
Random guy, muttering: That's soooooo hot.
--1 Train
Overheard by: ugh
...She Probably Won't Even Remember the Plastic Surgery
Asian chick: She has, like, an Asian face on a Brazilian body.
Friend: Ew!
Asian chick: Yeah, I know. Weird. But she's only nine, so...
--Broadway & W 38th
Overheard by: English bloke
Making Exactly the Same Mistakes
Girl: Did you hear about Barbara Walters and the affairs she had when she was younger? It shocked me.
Guy: Why'd it shock you? A lot of these older people did a lot of crazy shit when they were younger, from violence to sex. How do you think at least 50% of us were born? And she looked kinda good then, I'd have done 'er.
Girl (shaking her head): Just about everybody is fucked up.
Guy (growling and laughing): Don't groan about it, it's nature baby. Us people today are just the latest ones on the scene.
--8th St & 6 Ave
Overheard by: savon
Even the Imaginary Ones Are Tired of My Drama
Dad to son who is crying after being pushed by another kid: Johnny*, why are you crying? He didn't do it on purpose. He's your friend.
Johnny: No he's not! No one's my friend! I don't have friends!
--Brooklyn Heights Promenade
Overheard by: Margarita
What What (On the Butt)?
Barnard-looking girl #1: You can shower, but then, if you take a shit, you feel totally dirty again. But those, they're like wiping with a washcloth.
Barnard-looking girl #2: I've almost crapped myself a few times on the subway and had to get off at the next stop.
--Grand & Havermeyer, Brooklyn
I Love This Town
Dude #1 in long bathroom line: Two to a stall! Two to a stall!
Dude #2: Don't cross the streams!!
Dude #3: Hahah! Did you get that reference?
Dude #4: Yeah I got it. Good reference.
--Southpaw, Brooklyn
Overheard by: FolkRocker
Which Sets Me Apart from Every Other 20-Something Girl in New York
Queer: You remind me of that girl Audrina on the hills!
Girl resembling Audrina: Yeah, I've heard that before. I've also heard Lindsay Lohan, but that's mostly because of my coke habit.
--Splash Bar
They Also Both Binge Drink and Vomit on a Regular Basis
Drunk guy: They are like made for each other!
Drunk girl: Oh my god! I know! And not even because they both smoke cigarettes and are like, gangster!
--13th & Broadway
Overheard by: saywhaaat
More or Less, Allowing for Individual Variation
Father: It was the Million Man March. It was a million men marching in the capital for our people.
Son: No girls? No moms?
Father: No girls, just men.
Son: So there was a million penises?
Father (trying to bring it back onto subject): Yes. But it was the Million Man March.
Son: So there were two million balls?
Father: That's not the point.
Son: But everybody had one penis and two balls, right?
Father: Presumably.
--4th St & 125th
When She Told Him to Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, He Finally Lost It
Woman's voice, on speaker: Please move forward on this escalator.
20-something suit, going up the escalator: You can't tell me what to do!
Woman's voice, on speaker: Have a nice day.
20-something suit: Fuck you!
--59th St
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Reader Poll: Does Oprah Hate Herself?
Black girl #1: I'm just too black.
Black girl #2: Oh my god! You are so racist!
Black girl #3: You are just like Oprah! You be hatin' on your own self!
--Stuyvesant Place, Staten Island
I Mean, What Are the Odds Of Her Meeting Anybody Who Likes Her the Way She Is?
Dude #1: I think she's cute.
Dude #2: You have serious problems.
Dude #1: Really?
Dude #2: Like, you should be going to meetings or something.
Dude #1 (laughing): There are a lot of things I should be going to meetings for.
Dude #2: True story!
Dude #1: But seriously, I think she's kinda cute.
Dude #2: She needs to lose about 30 pounds.
Dude #1: I told her 20.
Dude #2: Okay. We'll reevaluate after 20.
--MetroNorth, Harlem Line
Overheard by: rpk
Relaxed Alertness Is Your Best Defense
Four-year-old Asian boy: Is this train going to Jamaica Center? The same as e train?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: So they need to watch out for guns?
--F Train
Smells Like Peen Spirit
Douchey guy #1, wearing a shirt with the word Wang across it, his face buried in a shrub: Dude, I just smelled bush in public.
Douchey guy #2, wearing the same shirt: Dude, I love smelling bush in public.
--60th & Broadway
Tonight's Movie: Brokeback Starbucks
Black guy in suit to stranger at same table: Oh, so you're married! I'm so sorry, I didn't realize.
White guy in suit: Oh, no worries, it doesn't mean I'm dead or anything.
Black suit: Are you faithful?
White suit (pausing for a couple of seconds): Sometimes.
--Starbucks, 23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Joe
The Yankees Really Need to Hire Some Vicious British Soccer Hooligans
Yankee fan, seeing girl in Red Sox hat: Booo! Boooo!
Red Sox girl's friend: Leave her alone! She's hot! Leave her alone!
Yankee fan: Booo! Red Sox suck!
Red Sox girl's friend: She's got big boobs, leave her alone!
Yankee fan: I've seen boobs before! Booo!
(later)
Yankee fan: Red Sox suck! Booo!
Red Sox girl's friend: Leave her alone, she's hot!
Yankee fan: That's your opinion! Booo!
--Yankee Stadium
Teen Wolf III Was More of an Educational Film
Man dressed as a werewolf: You look like you have some Native American heritage, maybe Mohawk.
Chinese man: I'm Chinese.
Man dressed as a werewolf: Well, Chinese is pretty much the same as Native American, they have the same spirit.
Chinese man: Sort of.
--The Slaughtered Lamb
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