Archive for January, 2009

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Kosher

Suit on Bluetooth headset: You just lie on the ground and squeal like a pig!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Justin

Chick on cell: A theatrical fashion show of people in assless pleather chaps and pig masks…

–W 26th St b/w 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Ladle

Hipster chick: I love bulldogs; they're like little alien piglets.

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Sorority girl, walking dog, to friend: Didn't you have a pig you could squeeze and make poop come out?

–113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor: Your mother is a pigfucker. Now, I hope you don't all go home and cry because I said that.

–Brooklyn College

Wednesday One-Liners Locate Carmen Sandiego

Guy on cell: I'm walking to my room from breakfast. Then I'm going to take a dump. Then I'm going downstairs.

–Hallway, Marriott Courtyard Hotel

Barista walking in, to no one in particular: Unfortunately, I'm here.

–Starbucks, Brighton Beach

Overheard by: Robert

Lost tourist: We are stuck here in the middle of Times Square!

–Rockefeller Center

NYU girl on phone: Hello? No. No, I can't meet you. Because I'm lost. I'm lost in the West Village. You know how the streets there get weird? I have no idea where I am. I've been wandering around for hours and I don't know if I'll ever make it back, ever! No, don't try to find me, I haven't seen any street signs in ages. Okay, see you tomorrow…maybe not.

–Union Square

Loud black drag queen yelling into cell: Bitch, don't play with me! I know where you at!
(pause) Where you at?

–34th St & 8th Ave

Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!

Stroller mom admonishing toddler: Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three…in French. Un, deux, trois.

–Broadway & 93rd St

Father, teaching five-year-old son to urinate in the street: Okay, son, now you've gotta shake it.

–Fordham Road

Mom to seven-year-old daughter, on Yom Kippur: Only you could complicate a bagel purchase.

–Absolute Bagels, 108th & Broadway

Yuppie mommy to naughty child: Stop it! Stop acting up! Look, this is the reason people don't have kids.

–Starbucks

Woman to young sons: You see that boy in that other train over there? I'm gonna give him your present if you don't be quiet.

–6 Train

Father to three rowdy children: You guys are gonna need to calm down, this is gonna be a two hour ride and there is no bar car on this train. Which is unfair to daddies with 3 kids.

–Grand Central

Peanut, Pinenut, Ground Nut, Wednesday One-Liner Nut…

Ghetto girl: Hmm, I know what a peanut is, but what a walnut is?

–147th & Broadway

Man on cell: It's quite possible that my left nut is bigger than my right nut.

–82nd & Broadway

Girlfriend to boyfriend: So that's why Yoda sounds like busting a nut!

–Ave A & 6th St

Guy to friend: I've been bitten in the nuts by two different Scottish Terriers.

–7th Ave b/w 24th & 25th

Overheard by: Carmen

Guy on cell: I'm just like an anorexic. Every time they look in the mirror, they think "I'm not skinny enough," but I look in the mirror and think "these pants aren't tight enough," even though everyone tells me they can see my nuts.

–L Train

Wednesday One-Liners Go with the Flow

Woman to friend: Childbirth is just really bad menstrual cramps, that's all!

–Varick St

Overheard by: Cool Breeze

Woman to toddler: Put the rest of the money back in the tampon box.

–14th St Subway Station

Overheard by: alex

Girl crossing street to friend: And then I had my period for a month!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Wondering what kind of birth control she's on

30-something woman on cell: He said he didn't care, and pulled the tampon out of me.

–Bedford Ave & N 8th St

Overheard by: tamphex twin

Girl to guy: I thought I smelled alcohol, but it was just my menstruation.

–N Train

Could You Use “Wednesday One-Liners” in a Sentence?

Girl to friend: I know, man! I was like, "Expelliarmus!"

–116th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Bahnahd

College guy to his friends: If you use the word "status quo" in a paper, you're guaranteed to get at least an A.

–Cental Park

Overheard by: dizzle

Smug dude: He told me he needed a dictionary to have a conversation with me. I mean, just because instead of saying…um…like…well, instead of a short word…I use a big one.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ivory Girl

Old man to another: What's that word mean, "egotistical"? You blindsided me with that word! Egotistical!

–Reading Room, Bryant Park

Overheard by: Jessie

Woman on cell: You never heard of tilapia? You got to get out of the hood!

–St. John's & Classon

Overheard by: Mollie

Wednesday Bloodliners

Girl to guy: And then he cheated on me with his male and female cousin.

–9th & 21st, Chelsea

Guy on phone: You should tell him next time he should keep his dick in his sister.

–72nd & Central Park West

Guido, getting his hair cut, in a thick Staten Island accent: Show me where it says in the Holy Bible that you can't bang your stepsister.

–Staten Island Barber Shop

Overheard by: Snewsboy

Dude on cell: Bitch, I don't care how much you give me, your ass just ain't worth it. (pause) Plus, I can just get it for free from my sister.

–Coffee Shop, Hell's Kitchen

Overheard by: really hope he didn't mean what i thought…

Girl to mother, after game: I'd rather go down on my sister than take the d train to Times Square right now.

–Old Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: datura0001

Embrace Your Wednesday One-Liners

Guy at party: I'm known for my creepy hugs.

–16th St & Union Square

Overheard by: Kitty

Hobo: Okay, you know the drill. I'm hungry, give me money so I can buy breakfast.
(nobody does) Alright, if you don't want to give any money, if you're reasonably attractive, hug a brotha! That works too.

–F Train

Panhandler: Any little bit helps, folks. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters. If you don't have any money this morning and you're, like, really attractive, you can just give me a big hug and rub up on me a little bit, and we'll call it even.

–F Train

Overheard by: kdice

Woman's voice on public announcement system: You want me to hug you?

–Port Authority

Ghetto Latina, seeing MTA worker hug crying bag lady: Shit, I'm from the Bronx, born and raised, and I ain't never seen no subway man be giving out free hugs. I seen shouting matches, I seen drug deals, I seen fist fights, but I ain't never seen no free hugs in a subway station. That's some fuckin dedication right there.

–59th St. Subway Station

Overheard by: slc boy

Subway panhandler: If you don't have any food, but you do happen to be, like, incredibly good looking, I do accept hugs. (middle aged man with L.L.Bean backpack smiles and holds his arms open invitingly) I'll have to give you a raincheck on that one, sir.

–F Train

Overheard by: linda