Professor in stuffy room: Someone open a window.
Student: We're on the fifth floor; they don't open.
Professor: I don't understand why they don't unlock them. No one is going to kill themselves. We're not NYU.
–Columbia University
Archive for April, 2009
Why Wearing Headphones Is So Popular in This Town
Pretty young lady: Oh no, I hope that crazy guy doesn't try to hit on me.
Crazy guy to girl: Fuck you, pig! I hope you die, bitch!
Pretty lady's friend: I love this city.
–East Village
All the Webcam Viewers Laugh, Though.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Want to see comedians?
Passer by: No.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Why not? Everyone loves to laugh!
Passer by: Still no, leave me alone.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Well, if you don't like laughing, what do you do with your spare time?
Passer by, fed up: Masturbate!
–42nd & 8th
I'm Not Just Her Attorney, I'm Also a Client
Suit to suit friend: That's so nice of her, to pick you up at one in the morning. You just asked her to come get you?
Suit friend: Yeah, I called her and I was like “hey, babe can you come get me? I got out of work late. Just wake the baby and bring him in the car.” Twenty minutes later she was there. With divorce papers she had been working on.
Suit: Well, at least she picked you up, bro.
Suit friend: Very true.
–12th & 5th
Overheard by: Sarah
Does My Outfit Look Like I Got Dressed Sober?
Hobo to young woman holding coffee cup: How can you be happy? There's no vodka in that cup!
Young woman: How do you know?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Ashley
And Pro-Life
Lesbian #1: Oh my god, you so don't even have any Republican friends!
Lesbian #2: Yes I do…what about John?
Lesbian #1: He's not your friend. He just flirts with you on Gchat.
Lesbian #2: Oh my god, he so doesn't. He's had a girlfriend for three years. (pause) Plus, he's gay.
–East Village
178.
Young man: So I told her, “shut the hell up, you fucking bitch!”
Older woman: Jeez, how many times can you be in a homicidal rage over musical theater?
–A Train
Overheard by: Kelly
Like I Said, Three Kids
Woman: You think that's bad…I did blow off my boyfriend's rock-hard abs on my kitchen counter…and I'm married with three kids.
Friend: Did he do blow off your boobs?
Woman: No…it'd fall off!
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Victoria
He's Not Allowed Back at the Sperm Bank for the Same Reasons
Crazy dude: Hey, can I have a sample?
Barista: I'm sorry?
Crazy dude: A sample of your coffee.
Manager: Sir! I told you last week not to come in here anymore.
Crazy dude: Huh?
Manager: Don't you remember when you threw a cup of coffee, hot coffee, at one of my baristas?
Crazy dude: No.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Flea
Headline by: drkipper
Runners-Up:
· “I Was Just Venti-ng” – fuvvcckkk
· “In His Defense, No One Else Thinks That It’s Really Coffee Either” – Peter G.
· “Naomi Campbell’s Lesser Known Brother Strikes Again” – Jakal
· “The Sequel to “Memento” Lacks the Narrative Drive Of the First” – Toby
· “You Should See What He Did at the Sex Shop Down the Street” – Charlie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
What? I Read Lips.
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk)
Drunk ass guy #2: What?
Drunk ass guy #1: (mumbles something drunk again)
Drunk ass guy #2: I can't hear you…I have a lazy eye!
–Gym Bar, Chelsea